Childhood Grief, Educational, Grief, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness, Personal, Pespective, Resources |
In the twenty podcast guest interviews I’ve done thus far, the common thread between all conversations is how healing of trauma and grief has been an evolutionary experience. I can say the same as I reflect on my own.
The person we are/were at the time of loss or trauma isn’t the same person that walks away from that experience. Trauma and grief change a person.
Trauma is what happens; grief is what’s left.
There is no hierarchy of experience, either. And this is where, in the land of grievers, isolation is common. Let’s say you were molested as a child. As an adult, you share that with someone for the first time. How would you feel if the other person then started to share how they were sexually assaulted as an adult by multiple people? In a sense, raising the anty of the experience. Then, if there’s another person who is let in on the conversation, comes in and shares how their mother was sexually assaulted and that assault resulted in a pregnancy. Again, raising the anty of traumatic experience. Suddenly, something you felt safe sharing becomes a conversation about other people. This is invalidating, and subconsciously you feel, “Well, I guess what happened to me wasn’t so bad. I need to suck it up; it could’ve been worse.” You likely also didn’t feel heard either.
The above is just an example of how an innocent conversation that, although well-intentioned in hopes of being relatable, may instead leave a griever feeling like there’s no one safe to share with and that their experience isn’t “bad enough.”
Do you see why grievers, possibly like you, resort to isolation? Society does this because, as I mentioned, we don’t know what to do with information that makes us uncomfortable, so we reach for the first thing that feels relatable. We also resort to information that we know. And, often, what we’re told about grief since childhood is incorrect. Not only is it incorrect, but it’s also likely hurtful and harmful. Like many of us growing up, the messages we receive about grief fall into one, many, or all of the six myths of grief.
The Six Myths of Grief
I’ve spoken about these myths many times throughout blog posts and in podcast episodes. You can learn about them on the podcast here:
Or, if you’d rather read a run-down list, they are:
- Don’t Feel Bad
- Replace the Loss
- Grieve Alone
- Be Strong
- Keep Busy
- Time Heals All Wounds
Because of the generational learning that falls into these myths, it can take a griever many months, years, or decades to understand what is happening in conversations like these. This is a perfect example of why The Grief Recovery Method is so much more than a method for processing emotions that are incomplete within the context of relationships with anyone living or deceased. It is an educational, evidence-proven method for moving beyond grief and loss.
Are You an Outward or Inward Emotional Processor?
It took me decades to dump the duffle bag of information I accumulated over the years about how to be with my grief. In other words, how to sit with and process my grief. The messages I received were all of the myths – every last one of them. It’s what I saw the people around me doing. So, even if certain words or phrases weren’t spoken, the adults’ actions around me spoke volumes. Think about the people you surround yourself with and how they cope with their grief. Are they quick to replace their losses with people, food, sex, gambling, alcohol, etc.? Do they isolate themselves and have gone from being outgoing and charismatic to quiet with an ever-present level of low-grade anger? Do grievers around you never stop, constantly going from one thing to the next, never pausing to reflect on the day, their thoughts, feelings, or pouring themselves into a cause or mission that has taken an unhealthy turn where they’re not sleeping or taking care of themselves? Have you been told not to feel bad that there is plenty of other fish in the sea or the words “At least…” followed by a well-meaning but hurtful statement? I could go on and on and on…this is the stuff we’re all taught because the generations before us were taught the very same thing and so on.
Over the past three decades of being with my grief and through the work that I’ve done, walking with others through theirs, I have come to the belief that there are two types of people: outward and inward emotional processors. Outward processing, people need to talk about what they’re thinking and feeling – it’s how they process emotion and gain insight. They’re the person who will get you on the phone for hours at a time – to talk about their problems. They are often the ones coming to you (if you’re an inward processor, particularly) for insight rather than being the listening partner. Not saying outward processing types can’t be good listeners. I feel (in my experience) that if I’m sharing with an outward processor, they’re likely more apt to share their thoughts and feelings rather than being able only to listen. In this instance, boundaries will come in handy. Inward processors (like myself) need time alone to be with their thoughts and feelings and tend to seek creative outlets to process emotions such as writing, painting, photography, music, etc.. I’ve resorted to all of those for my inward processing. I started to journal when I was around age eleven, I believe, and continue to do so. Music also helps me process as I tend to be drawn to music that reflects my emotions. I believe the ability to listen is one of my gifts. Ironically, I did get “N’s” for “needs improvement” under the category “Listen’s to and Follows Directions” on my elementary report cards. But, what do you expect from a child who lost a parent and who had been sexually abused, right? My mind was one of my greatest escapes as a kid.
Age brings the benefit of experience and wisdom. We all know this. Gosh, if only I knew at 21 what I know now! My life wouldn’t have been a trainwreck! But, as my podcast guest, Victoria Shaw, pointed out to me in her Dec. 22nd, 2020 episode – no part of the human experience is ever wasted. And that’s true when it comes to grief experiences. There will be lessons you receive – like it or not. People will fall away and come into your life – like it or not. And, the only guarantee when it comes to grief is that it will change over time. You will never be without the sadness of losing someone close to you because love doesn’t go away for someone. However, it is possible to feel complete with whatever was left undone or unsaid within the relationship through grief recovery. It is possible to think of the person and not become a ball of mess. It is possible to hear the person’s name and feel a sense of peace rather than be taken back to the circumstances of the loss and how it occurred. All of these and more are possible through grief recovery.
Common Phrases I Hear from Grievers
I have heard many grievers say, “What works for you may not work for me.” And, if that’s where you’re at as you read this, to that, I say this: it won’t work for you if you’re not ready to face all the feelings. And, if you’ve never experienced it, how would you know? It comes back to the old saying, “don’t knock it ’til you tried it!”
Another thing grievers will say is, “I don’t need to dig up the past to heal.” To that, I beg to differ. The past follows us like our shadow. And, it shows up as our shadow selves; how we respond to others, what we do with our lives, the fulfillment and contentment we feel, and how we feel about and treat ourselves.
Some Final Thoughts
Grief steals more than you probably realize from your present day. If you don’t feel like you’re living life to your fullest potential, reflect on the losses and grief you’ve experienced in your life.
Regardless of how you find your way to healing, understand it will change over time. The healing of trauma and grief is an evolutionary process. And I want to encourage you to be open to possibilities and a variety of healing modalities (like Grief Recovery and Reiki). Being open to possibility is also having hope that life can be different, better or more. We can feel grief, which is defined as anything we wish would be different, better, or more. But, we can also experience joy the same way – a feeling that is different, better, and more than we ever imagined.
P.S. Thank you for reading. If this resonates with you and you think of someone who may also enjoy this, please follow through on that nudge and share it with them. You were nudged for a reason! 😉🥰
Grief, Grieving Voices Podcast, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness, Pespective, Resources |
If you had a choice between blissful or miserable, which would you choose?
I imagine you thought to yourself, “That’s a silly question!’ It’s a no-brainer – blissful!” Who would choose to be miserable?
Whatever you’re feeling deprived of – it’s the highest goal to attain it—feeling deprived of feelings of bliss? It will be your highest goal to attain bliss.
When deep in grief or otherwise, we often do what is necessary to move toward pleasure and away from pain.
Reaching for something to feel better, you may resort to alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, shopping, television, fiction/fantasy books, surfing the internet/Facebook/social media, etc.
The Shame Game
You may feel better briefly, but what you’re most likely left with are feelings of shame. And shame makes us feel anything but blissful.
According to Merriam-Webster, shame is:
a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety
b: the susceptibility to such emotion
2: a condition of humiliating disgrace or disrepute
3a: something that brings censure or reproach also: something to be regretted
b: a cause of feeling shame
I need to write a blog post all about shame. It causes a lot of grief in our lives. Where there is shame, there is grief. Likewise, where there is grief, there is also shame. They go hand-in-hand. In my book, I have a chapter dedicated to shame titled The Shame Game.
Because shame and grief are so tightly interwoven, the patterns of behavior one may resort to (running toward pleasure) to avoid pain create more shame, becoming a cyclic pattern of behavior.
Grief makes you feel like you don’t have a choice when caught in this vicious cycle.
But, you do. Our minds are a powerful force to be reckoned with and are undoubtedly taken for granted when it comes to transforming our lives. We often don’t feel like we have a choice in our lives because we get stuck in the vicious cycle. We want to feel better. We don’t know how to break free and don’t know what to do first.
The first step in breaking cycles is to understand you have a choice and then decide to do something about it. I know many situations leave individuals where they are because of fear. I know that a person in a domestic violence situation is often groomed by their abuser. I understand that individuals or families living in poverty haven’t been given the tools and access to make their way out of poverty. Even in these situations, fear is often the stronghold on the mind. And, fear can be a beast of a feeling. Fear can paralyze you.
However, even in the most fearful situations, there have been true accounts of people surviving (even thriving) following terrible situations and circumstances. I’ve heard many of them on my podcast. There is an episode coming up in Feb/March that is incredibly terrifying, and yet, this woman clawed her way out of fear and obtained her Ph.D. The hero’s journey is something common to copywriters and those who write stories/scripts. Through my podcast, I hear stories like this on the regular. They are triumphant and inspiring stories of people, just like you and me, who, against all odds, realized they had a choice and decided. They held on to hope.
Sometimes, your circumstances or situation allows the fear to take hold, but if you hold on to hope, you’ve got something worth holding. Hope is a beacon. Hope is the light of a lighthouse you see in the distance when you’re in a small boat on a big ocean. If you want to feel some hope, take a listen to my podcast, Grieving Voices.
If you’ve made it out of the vicious cycle but feel as though your life isn’t heading in the direction you desire, or emotionally, the past still has a grip on your present, I encourage you to consider working with me.
I am sending you heaps of love + light! Thank you for reading and sharing with someone you know or love.
Growth, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness, Personal, Pespective |
Goodbye 2020, Helllllllo 2021!
Looking back has its benefits.
I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that most people prefer to leave the past in the past.
I, however, have found a lot of benefit in looking back. If we don’t look back, we don’t have the conscious awareness of what we don’t want to bring into our future, do we?
This year, I imagine 99.9% of people are ready to put 2020 in the rearview. But for others, 2020 brought many blessings, too. It comes to perception and personal experience. Every one of us experienced 2020 differently.
The one truth we all share, though, is that 2020 taught every one of us something.
What lessons have 2020 brought you?
Here’s a rundown of what 2020 taught me:
Peace is found within.
Context: Over the past two years, I’ve experienced exponential growth through doing my personal heart-work in grief recovery and through what I’ve learned about energy through my Reiki practice. When I have felt the most confused or found it difficult to make a decision, I’ve resorted to my own inner guidance. We all have it. And we all have access to it whenever we want. But, it’s like a muscle to train your monkey brain to turn off long enough to tap into it. It’s not just about meditation, though. It’s tuning in to your body signals and feelings. So few want to tap into their feelings because it’s painful. But why is it painful? Because there’s healing that needs to be done. We can look at all sorts of outside means to numb our emotional dis-ease. However, those things are short-lived and ultimately disconnect us further from our true selves. Your body, and your feelings, are your guideposts to where there’s an opportunity to grow and heal.
Healing comes in all shapes and sizes, too. There are ways to heal through spending time with others; doing activities that enrich your mind and body; or even the simplest things, such as sleeping and eating which both nourish your body, allowing you to better deal with the day-to-day. We have all become accustomed to our routines, but that doesn’t mean your routine is necessarily healthy. I’ve had to become an observer many times of my routines; acknowledging when I’m “falling off of the exercise wagon” or when I’m missing meals.
I have also learned that it’s okay to ask for help. I sought out Reiki practitioners for energy healing sessions, and have worked with other Grief Recovery Specialists to continue to do my personal grief work. Where some choose to seek a therapist through a local doctor or Mental Health Providers, I have sought more holistic means. Neither is right and neither is wrong. What is right for me is not necessarily what is right for others. I am partial to the paths of healing that have found me because they worked – and continue to work.
There is no challenge where I can’t rise to the occasion.
Context: I thought about and stewed over starting my podcast for nearly a year before I actually launched at the end of June this year. Once I decided to jump headfirst (not knowing what I was doing), I began researching. The very first thing I landed on was the name, Grieving Voices, which came to me like a lightning bolt one day (kind of like the name of this site and business, The Unleashed Heart, and my sister-site, The Guided Heart). I then found the perfect artist to create the cover art. Femke, the artist, will also be doing the illustration for my future children’s grief book. I learned that my intuition is never wrong in this process. I’ve utilized my intuition when seeking guests and directing every conversation, and it’s been a wonderful experience. I’ve grown as an interviewer, refining my skills as I go, and have enjoyed the variety it brings to my life. It’s been wonderful connecting with other grievers from all over. Has it always been easy? No. Have there been learning curves from editing to software and everything in-between? You bet. And, you know what? I would’ve been missing out on it all had I never followed my inner-guidance and just started the damn thing. Nearly 30 episodes in and, I am very much looking forward to my son’s 16th birthday when I will celebrate my 100th episode on the same day! Keep on keeping on…you can do hard things, too! We may not know the how, but it’s in the process of learning where we grow.
Just because you build it, that doesn’t mean they will come.
Context: January 8th, 2021, will be two years since I launched The Unleashed Heart. What a trip it’s been! It’s been a constant evolution since. And, having been an entrepreneur for 10 years before The Unleashed Heart, I knew that having your own business takes grit and a whole lot of patience. Just because you create something doesn’t mean people will buy it. People don’t buy what you do; they buy who you are. As the business owner, people are essentially buying the essence of who you are in your brand. I learned this in my previous business. However, what 2020 taught me is that grief can be a hard sell. I’ve had talks where two people showed up. I’ve been a co-presenter with less than a dozen. And, I’ve done all the leg-work to create an online presentation where no one showed up. Grief is tough. And, when it comes to grief, there will be two camps of people: those who are the “rip off the bandaid” type and those who need more time. I’ve encountered a good mix of the two camps. But, for the vast majority, most need to feel safe first. So, that’s what I’ve been working to do these past two years. Show people that I am a safe person. I’ve had to learn to go first, publicly, even when it was uncomfortable. I’ve had to allow myself to be vulnerable in ways I may not have been quite ready to do. Doing this work has stretched me beyond my comfort zone. And my heart has opened up even more in the process. I’ve actually grown to love myself more, too. There are lessons in rejection. And, rejection is usually never about you. It’s more often than not about the other person and their unresolved “stuff.” Take ownership of what’s yours, and bless the rest.
Celebrate your wins along the way.
Context: If there is one thing, my dear friend, Patsy, taught me this year is the importance of celebrating our wins. I often downplay the success I’ve had because it seems to make some people feel uncomfortable, like happiness. And, isn’t it true that we often downplay our joy? We quiet our enthusiasm to match those around us. Okay, well – this isn’t entirely true about me because I will do about anything to bring some life to a room. But, for the most part, when it comes to our successes, so many of us shy away from truly celebrating. Get a promotion? Share it on social media! Let people cheer you on! Allow people to support you! Do you know where this inability to receive kudos often comes from? Our childhood. Many of us are raised to be humble and not boast. Many of us are also raised to believe that to earn it requires hard work or doing things one normally wouldn’t do, or that success requires struggle. And that to receive, there has to be a checklist of boxes marked off first. I know this mentality well because I grew up in a home of lack, where there was never enough to go around. It’s a hard belief system to crack, and it’s taken over a decade for me to unpack and let go of all of that generational learning. One thing that helped me was doing my inner-work. So, I’m celebrating 2 YEARS of The Unleashed Heart, soon, the 1st anniversary of my first Reiki client, and this summer, 100 podcast episodes! I also plan to celebrate conquering the lizard pose, creating systems, and hiring a V.A.! Celebrating isn’t boasting. Celebrating is as much giving love to the self as it is receiving it from others!
Support is gold.
Context: Until 2019, I hadn’t sought out any support. In that year and 2020, I’ve learned the value of support. When we have people who may be farther along than we are, others who have an expertise that supports our growth, or push us to keep going or cheer us on – it’s pure gold. I cannot imagine where I would be without the support of mentors and accountability friends from which I allowed myself to receive help, support, or guidance or who were in my corner. Friends are and can be a wonderful support system. However, when you need someone who is, like I said, farther along the path you’re on or who understand the trenches of entrepreneurship, it’s imperative to your growth that you allow yourself to be supported. I say it all the time, but we don’t heal in isolation; rather, we heal in communion with others. So, too, is our growth. We certainly do grow on our own. However, if you want to quicken the pace, nothing speeds up the process other than a willing spirit combined with a helping hand.
There you have it – my five lessons from 2020. I very well could have come up with many more. This week, I’ve spent a bit of time re-reading my journal entries between 2017-present day and – Woah! That’s actually where the inspiration came from for this blog post. It’s so important we look back, and I was reminded of how much I’ve grown, more than anything. I’ve gotten much better at taking a step back from a situation, seeing it for what it is, from the other person’s perspective, and letting go of what is out of my hands.
Do you have a word for 2021? Last year, my word was connection. This year, it is balance. It is through foundations, systems, and momentum where I will find and learn all about balance. It is something I’ve struggled to maintain between family, day job, side-hustling, and self-care.
What do you think about the five lessons I shared?
Do some of my lessons also apply to your life?
What have been some of yours?
Wishing you and yours a prosperous, healthy, and joyful start to 2021!
P.S. I have one spot available for Grief Recovery online. The spot available is for either Wednesday morning or Thursday evening for 7 weeks. I am hoping to start another group in my local area later this Spring, however, that is completely dependent on Covid-19. Email me at [email protected] if you’re interested in learning more or, book a free consultation.
Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness |
What does contentment have to do with grief?
Let’s start by looking at the definition of contentment.
The dictionary definition of contentment is a state of happiness and satisfaction.
We can all agree that when it comes to grieving, we may experience states of happiness. However, how often do we feel satisfaction when we’re grieving?
The Grief Recovery Institute defines grief as the normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind. Furthermore, it is the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations. It’s also anything that we wish would have been different, better, or more.
If we look at these two definitions and reflect on our lives and our experiences, the question then is: how much satisfaction do we have with our life?
If we don’t have satisfaction with our lives, what is often present?
Stress.
What is often the byproduct of grief?
You guessed it……
Stress.
I was talking with a dear friend recently. I asked her (after sharing the epiphany I had this week about my energy and the dots I connected to when I was a kid – future blog post coming on this!) what replenishes her energy when she’s feeling drained. Her reply? Helping others – whether it is showing kindness, finding a resource, connecting people, etc…
Her response got me thinking. She and I both got our start in the medical field, doing healthcare work with the elderly. She’s furthered her healthcare career and is now in a position where she’s given the opportunity daily to replenish her energy. She loves what she does and feels fulfillment and satisfaction because it fulfills who she is – a Helper.
So, this conversation with my friend got me thinking more about contentment and how we find it in our lives. When we have days where we feel like all hope is lost. We don’t feel like we have a choice in our lives because of the card(s) we’ve been dealt. That how things are – always will always be; we’ll always feel the way we feel because the circumstance itself will never change. It is what it is. What is there to do about it? We can’t change what happened to us.
So, I went to the internet to find podcasts about contentment and if anything is ever mentioned about grief. I didn’t find much about contentment and grief. Still, I did find a podcast called “Finding Contentment” from, interestingly, The American Institute of Stress, and every single episode is about, you guessed it – stress!
In this episode with endocrinologist and research scientist Dr. David Fryburg. The following are excerpts and CliffsNotes from this conversation that talks about the toll of stress (including Covid-19) on our bodies and mental health.
Stress…as being a primary cause, in my view, of a large number of disorders: heart disease, stroke, hypertension, diabetes, also wrapped in obesity, drug abuse, etc..and some would even say the data support cancer. It has this relationship probably because stress response affects the autonomic nervous system…in terms of sympathetic over-activation, which also affects immune function.
In a nutshell, stress generates inflammation in and of itself, according to Dr. Fryburg. When we live in a state of stress, we resort to stress-reducing behaviors that try to “quench the pain,” as Fryburg goes on to add. He adds examples of these behaviors, such as alcohol, drug use, cigarettes, over-eating, decreased interest in exercise, and it all feeds together.
Stress creates a vicious cycle that starts with an event or circumstance (i.e., grief-causing event or circumstance), which creates a biological response in our bodies. What follows is the mental and physical disorders and behavioral changes. With illness come new stressors, and that’s how stress (i.e., grief) becomes a vicious cycle that feels impossible to escape – as if we don’t have a choice.
What happens as a result of this imbalance in our lives?
Discontentment. Which is unhappiness caused by the failure of one’s hopes, desires, or expectations.
And, what does this definition of discontentment tie back to?
GRIEF! By definition, grief is the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations.
As I was listening to the doctor and shared in the excerpt, it’s grief at the root of what he’s sharing. Stress and grief are intertwined. You do not have one without the other. And both are compounded the longer we allow the symptoms and the behaviors to persist.
The doctor shared these expressions, which I loved…”The worse it gets, the worse it gets.” But, the flipside of this is…”The better it gets, the better it gets!”
The only word this doctor does not mention in this entire episode is the word “grief.” And this is what drives me nuts. When well-known, influential, or highly educated people fail to call so many of these things for what they are, which is GRIEF! IT’s GRIEF! I wish I could scream it at them. Because, as long as we approach whole health from a “let’s cure the stress,” we’re not getting to the root. Work on losing weight, anxiety, or hypertension all you want – you’re likely to remain under a doctor’s care for these things, and then some as symptoms progress, for years and years. But, get to the root cause of these things, and you pull the weed from the root.
Rather than adding roundup to a weed year after year, why not just pull it at the root?
Don’t you think a better approach to grief (and stress) is the same?
But, I digress. The whole point of this blog post was how do we get to contentment as grievers. And, I’ve found myself on a tangent. I’m just so passionate about this because it is my opinion that this refrain from using the word “grief” in society has gotten us to this place of chronic illness, disease, and an overwhelmed healthcare system (even before Covid-19). We don’t want to talk about it. It’s not “sexy,” it’s not a “buzz word,” when it’s the one thing every single one of us experiences.
Finding Contentment
One tool the doctor mentions to build resiliency to stress is meditation. Meditation calms the “monkey mind.” It quiets the stream of thoughts we are often not even fully conscious of, too. He also mentions dance and exercise. When it comes to exercise, it’s mentioned in the episode to take out the motivation piece and be motivated. Rather, make it be something you do, like brushing your teeth, making breakfast, or doing the dishes. I don’t know – tell that to someone who’s deep in grief or overwhelmed by stress and, they’ll scoff at the simplicity of that statement—I kind of do, to be honest. I’ve gotten on and fallen off that horse more times than I can count. I’ve just let that be okay with me. I get bored easily, and when I have weeks where I have to use a lot of mental bandwidth, I often have less in the physical arena. Those are the times where I may go for a walk or do some gentle yoga. And, it may just be that I sleep in and restore myself in that way. We’re all wired differently, so I do scoff at the simplicity of that idea. But, research also shows that it also takes time to build a habit. And, isn’t that what brushing our teeth and all of those other daily, mundane tasks are – habits, in a way?
Anyway, the actual title of the podcast episode is How Kindness Helps Us with Stress. When it comes to kindness, Dr. Fryburg shares that, in nature, beings that sacrifice for one another within a species are more than likely to flourish. He adds that the giver gets more than the receiver. Allan Luks coined this as the Helper’s High.
The process of going beyond ourselves, which also involves compassion, empathy, and caring, is what psychologists call self-transcendence. In his work of putting together his organization and program called Envision Kindness, he found that the people who volunteered (i.e., connect with others in positive ways) regularly have death rates that are 20-40% lower than those who don’t. He adds that going from contaminated water to clean water has about the same effect. In a nutshell, giving of ourselves has a substantial impact on our lives.
How does this relate to grief (because I can tie nearly everything back to grief)? Those who are isolated (or feel isolated), who don’t feel a sense of connection to others have a mortality rate (20-40%) that is about the same as if they were self-sacrificed with kindness toward others. Dr. Fryburg shares that when we engage in disconnecting activities, such as watching the news and allowing anger, fear, and ego to dominate. So, when you live in poverty or have fewer resources, this is where connection creates a bridge.
But, how do we go about creating a connection (or feeling it) with others when we’ve lost the connection we feel within ourselves?
Here’s where the episode got me excited!
It turns out; you don’t have to move mountains, make some grand gesture of self-sacrifice, quite the contrary. Just by actually seeing images/videos/content or witnessing people being kind to others (or seeing giving connection) has the same effect – just by seeing it. People feel more compassionate, generous, calmer, more grateful, and optimistic as a result.
You not only are what you eat. You are what you see. – Dr. David Fryburg
Through his work, Dr. Fryburg is working on getting more and more healthcare systems to stream kindness-focused content (in the form of video and still photos) into waiting rooms. These places are high-stress environments and, from an energetic stand-point, emotionally heavy as well. Referring back to the study that found what we see, in terms of kindness, has the same effect by doing – instantly, this changes the entire feel of the environment and the emotional state of the person seeing it. I LOVE this idea!
We can be agents of change, by our own agency, with the energy of disconnection or stress or with the energy of kindness. We have a choice. And, we have a choice when it comes to grief, too. This episode mentions how stress is contagious. There’s also a tip if you’re a dog owner. Our pups often reflect us the state of the environment in which they’re in. So, when thinking about stress being contagious – our pooches pick up on the stress as well.
What To Do When You Feel Overwhelmed
What is Dr. Fryburg’s advice for those who are overwhelmed and don’t know what to do? When you’re trying all of the things – exercise, meditation, kindness, etc.. on your own, and nothing seems to be helping?
Seek professional or guided help. There’s no shame in asking for help.
The gentlemen interviewing Dr. Fryburg even says that when we break an arm, we go to the doctor, but we’re resistant to asking and receiving that help when it comes to our emotions and mental health.
Everyone suffers from stress. However, how we respond (in the moment) may require some additional help and support.
To close, I want to share a win for a current grief recovery client of mine. I have seen, over the course of the last few weeks of going through Grief Recover One-on-One with me, communication in his relationship has improved. He’s shown up for our sessions more vibrant, lighter, and happier. The energy he brings to his sessions lately has been a reflection of the inner-work he has been doing. He continues to have opportunities open up for him in his business, and I have seen his confidence grow. He’s not quite finished, but the transformation has been my greatest joy to witness. The most significant point in bringing this to your attention? He recognized he needed support and has been open to receiving it every step of the way.
What’s important to know is that you have a choice. No matter what you do, don’t take your circumstances lying down. Take life day-by-day, set small goals for yourself that set you up for success, and seek out resources, programs, or people who can help lift you out of stress, grief, and overwhelm.
Grief Recovery isn’t the only thing out there, but it is the only program specific to grief based on evidence. Meaning, rather than being evidence (or research)-based, where parts or components of the program/method are based on practices demonstrated to be effective through research, this method/program, in its entirety, has been demonstrated through research to be effective.
I could probably write another 2200 words on this topic. More to come on this, I am sure of that! In the meantime, what do you think? Which has come first for you – stress or grief? Here to support you and sending love and light your way! Thank you for reading!
P.S. Want to experience a breakthrough as my client has? Click the Contact tab, check out the Grief Recovery info on my site, or the Grief Recovery Institute website for more information. Stress, overwhelm – and, at the end of the day, the grief that’s at the root of it doesn’t have to dictate your tomorrow. You have every power within you to direct your energy in a whole new, positive way. And, if you want to feel reprieve right now from your stress, consider a Reiki session with me (distant or in-person – in-person sessions are subject to Covid-19 precautions during this time).
Educational, Grief Tips, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness, Pespective |
Have you ever had a re-framing thought that completely offered a new perspective? A different way of looking at a situation that totally flipped your heart and feelings towards a situation that eased your suffering?
Two phrases came up repeatedly for me in 2020. I thought I would share them with you because, my friend, they helped ease so much unnecessary suffering. And, feel free to share this as “life-coaching” advice to your bestie the next time they express their hurt or frustration, particularly towards another person.
The two phrases are:
I don’t know what I don’t know.
and…
Consider the source.
Think, right now, about someone who has left you feeling a bit jaded. They may have seemed to be aloof, flaky, not being the supportive friend as you believe they should be, etc. Now, apply either one of these two phrases to that situation.
Let’s take the first one: You don’t know what you don’t know…
- Could they be feeling ill lately?
- Have they received some terrible news (perhaps related to finances, family, or themselves) and haven’t communicated that to you?
- Or, maybe they don’t know how to be there for you. They may feel like they’re doing just fine in that department while balancing their own life demands.
How often do we learn of the tragic news of someone who completes suicide, and it completely catches us off-guard. We’re baffled because “they seemed fine.” Or, we learn that someone has been suffering at the hands of an abuser. Maybe, too, the stress of finances, children, and life itself is just really taking a toll mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually on another. (SO MUCH GRIEF IN ALL OF THESE, BTW)
We grieve all sorts of situations in our lives. And, grief often makes us feel (and operate in life) out of sorts. Consider, too, that when you feel like you’ve been wronged, there’s another human on the other side of that emotion. You’re allowing that situation to take up your valuable brain and heart space and filling it with anger, resentment, frustration, or whatever you’re feeling towards the other. When in reality, there may be a valid explanation for the behavior of the other person.
‘Tis better to think the best of others than ruminate and stew on a self-created story.
Now, the next one: Consider the source…
- Has that person always been that way? But, when it counts (and they’re made fully aware of what’s going on), have they been there?
- Would they intentionally be avoiding you (or the situation)?
- Have they done so in the past?
If the latter is the case, then perhaps you need to re-think your friend circle and those you rely on in tough times. Or, take a hard look at how you communicate your needs to those you care about and those who care about you in return.
When considering the source, think about who they are as a person, why you have that person in your life, the value they bring to your life, what they have been going through, what they’re experiencing, etc.
Say, and apply, these re-framing statements to any relationship. Seriously. You can consider these two phrases in your relationships with co-workers, the rude store clerk, your best friend, or your spouse/significant other.
A shift in perspective can change EV-ER-Y-THING.
If you do this, let me know how it changes a situation/relationship in your life for you! I’d love to hear how this tip helps ease you of so much unnecessary suffering.
P.S. Did you find this blog post helpful? If so, I’d love for you to share it because sharing is caring! And, I care about others, not necessarily suffering. I bet you do, too! 💕
Grief, Grief Tips, Mind/Body Wellness, Pespective, Resources |
There are several people I know who are going through some crappy things and life itself sucks. Well really, Covid has put a lot of people in the same camp, as far as that goes.
There is a privilege in writing that. There is also gratitude in my heart for not being in their shoes. That doesn’t mean, however, that I don’t empathize with what they’re going through. And, that doesn’t mean I can’t imagine myself in their shoes, either.
There have been a few times in my life where I felt like life itself just plain sucked. There wasn’t anything that I could find good. I had gotten really good, as a kid, at finding silver linings. However, as an adult, I was getting more of a chip on my shoulder than anything else. Cynicism and sarcasm were coping mechanisms; along with alcohol and other unhelpful/hurtful things/people.
All that being said, not feeling too inspired for this week’s blog post, and reflecting on this week being National Grief Awareness Week, I found myself thinking about those who I know who are heading into the holidays and are just not feeling it. They’re not feeling festive. They’re not feeling like putting decorations up, shopping for gifts, or contemplating gatherings. It’s just not in them. Maybe this applies directly to you.
Whichever camp you’re in: everything sucks (because “rona” took a seat at your family table or literally took a dear one from the table or, all kinds of other possible horrible scenarios) versus #ronaruinseverything (where it’s the “rona” ruining your holiday and, there’s nothing tragic going on in your life other than your plans being elf-blocked) – there is something you can do today.
Just be.
When everything has sucked for me, the most thoughtful thing I did for myself was allowed myself to just be.
Be with my feelings – the anger, sadness, confusion, and everything in between.
Be with my heart – and let it speak to me through writing.
Be with my soul – and nurture it with nature, a song, or a shower (which, personal hygiene is easily the bottom of the list when life feels upside down).
Just be.
And, let that be okay. It can feel like emotional purgatory; stuck somewhere between hope and despair. And, sometimes it takes a whole lotta effort to grasp for the next best feeling. But, you can’t get there if the emotional pendulum is continually swinging toward despair either.
Take a slow, deep breath in and say to yourself: “I love myself.” Exhale everything that needs to be let go of at this moment: anger, sadness, confusion, whatever it is.
Do it again, closing your eyes.
Rinse and repeat the “Just Be” as long as you need. It’s the most loving and thoughtful thing you can do for yourself when it’s all can you muster to do.
Sending you love and light…✨
P.S. Do you need more support? There are several options in this lovely collection of offerings for this week only.
Check out the shop HERE. – NEW – there are now gift certificates available for purchase! Enter your chosen amount, continue with checkout, and I will mail you a physical gift certificate to gift someone you love and care about.
Questions? My inbox is always open here or you can schedule a free consultation, friend. 😘
