Grief, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness, Resources |
Several months ago, I was sitting in rooms filled with social workers. I decided to attend the Veterans Administration Mental Health Summit, where I had a booth for my grief recovery work. I also had the opportunity to sit in on the presentations. One speaker was talking about suicide prevention. A psychiatrist gave another presentation within the VA who talked about EMDR and other “evidence-based” treatments. The most moving presentations were by veterans themselves who had attempted suicide. Sitting at a table with at least six others (all social workers), I was the only one moved to tears. One woman was on her phone during one veteran’s heart-wrenching account of his story. I don’t know what was pressing at the moment that she thought was more important; however, it spoke volumes to me – no disrespect to social workers. My observation was that, without being a veteran with a similar experience, they resort to what they know and their personal experience.
I still remember the defeated feeling I felt when I left. I remember feeling as though the only way I could help veterans, the way they deserved (within the VA healthcare system and at no cost to them) was to go to college and become a licensed social worker. But, I thought to myself: “I already have this fantastic program available to me that is ‘evidence-based;’ why does it feel like I’m climbing Mt. Everest?” To me, I just needed the right person to hear me out. But that wasn’t happening. Even when I thought I had finally made some progress in a conversation, I only received more discouragement.
Working my way into the VA system, which would allow me to serve the veteran community (while still having a business), has been met with hope and heaps more resistance. Most, who I’ve spoken with, have been open to hearing what I have to say, wish they could help, but then smacked me with the reality that the VA system just doesn’t play nicely with “unlicensed” folk (in not those exact words).
Well, had I listened to all the naysayers, those who said it likely couldn’t be done, I would’ve quit when yet another door was closed in front of me. I wouldn’t be writing this post right now. I would have stopped when given the tenth or fifteenth “good luck.”
What I think we (more often than not) do to ourselves, and what all of those who I spoke with don’t know or realize, is they were placing their limitations on me. And, for a time, I allowed it. I was feeling defeated. I was wondering if this bigger picture vision I’d been holding for myself this entire past year was going to fade into the background of my life. And, not only crush my spirit but become yet another “thing,” I tried.
Fast-forward to a week ago, after over a month of hoop-jumping, I received my “approved” status to work as a contractor for the federal government (i.e., that would include the VA). I don’t know the impact this will have on my business (or my life), but I feel like it’s a massive leap of hope forward. And I do feel like it’s another step in fulfilling a higher purpose in my life. This accomplishment feels enormous to me; in ways, I don’t yet know myself. I have no doubt, I will have more hoops to jump through; however, this hurdle was a big one.
We lie to ourselves – all the damn time. We believe the crap-stories we tell ourselves. We get stuck around the axel of “I can’t(s)” and “It’s going to be painful” and “life sucks” or whatever other garbage we hold onto like a storage tank.
My mentor Lois said it best: “Would you rather be a processing plant or a storage tank?”
It starts with the lies we tell ourselves. That, it’s more comfortable being a storage tank. That, the pain is far more comfortable (and more familiar) than what it takes to get on the other side.
The inspiration for the title of this blog post comes from a quote I read in a book I just started reading. And I believe it to be true.
The greatest sources of our suffering are the lies we tell ourselves. – Elvin Semrad
What lies are you telling yourself that you believe these days? What are you taking in as truth from someone else? Because it may feel right to them, but that doesn’t mean it is going to be right for you. Here is where compassion enters the room.
We see the world through the lens of our own experience. Grief recovery has taught me that, although trauma changes us through and through, it doesn’t have to be the only story we are capable of believing. To me, there’s always hope. Grief recovery gave me that, not just in addressing my trauma, but in every facet of my life, as I’ve shared with you today.
Become the story you want to believe.
Do you want to see more hope in the world?
Start by embodying it.
Mind/Body Wellness, Reiki, Resources |
Seven months after becoming certified by The Grief Recovery Institute as a grief recovery method specialist, I felt a pull to become Usui Holy Fire Reiki Certified. I had never personally experienced reiki, but it just kept showing up in my life in conversation and things I would come across online. It’s like when you want a red corvette, and suddenly, red corvettes start popping up everywhere. Only with this, I didn’t know I needed it, or why – it just kept showing up in my life. So, I followed that calling, and I am happy I listened to the “whispers.” Read all about reiki HERE.
What Reiki Has Done for Me
My Usui Holy Fire Levels I & II training was pretty bizarre and transformational. It actually unlocked some old trauma (to my surprise) that I was later able to process using the grief recovery method. Last year became my year of emotional transformation and healing. Everything I had been silently working through in isolation since 2014 came to the surface after I went through grief recovery. Reiki has enabled me to ground myself in the present (which, as an enneagram 7 is not my strong suit) and ease my, sometimes, frantic energy. I can find it easy to be hyper-focused one day (often forgetting to eat), to times of abundant anxious energy where it’s impossible to focus (which has been the situation as of late). Reiki has been my saving grace when I’m feeling energetically out-of-balance. Lately, I’ve been combining it with meditation and recently experienced some emotional release (which is truly hard to explain).
Still, even months later, after conducting reiki sessions for others and myself, I find it hard to explain. Which, I should be able to explain it, right? How can energy be moved with someone else’s hands? Why do my hands get warm and tingly? Why do I sometimes literally feel certain aches/pains during a reiki session? How do I know an issue existed in the body without being told in advance? I do have a form that gets filled out before a session, where the client shares areas of focus or issues they’re having. However, I almost prefer to go into a session blindly. Trusting myself (and my intuition) has been the one thing I’ve had to learn to….well, trust, as a reiki practitioner. It’s easy to doubt yourself with anything new.
There isn’t anything required of me during a session, other than my intention to bring the client healing and fill the body with love and compassion energy. By itself, reiki gives you precisely what you need. I’m simply the conduit.
Reiki’s done wonderful things for me, including boosting my immune system, which served me well this winter when my entire household got sick, and I didn’t. Fingers crossed it comes to my defense against the coronavirus as well. As of late, I have been giving myself reiki daily. When my family members ask, I provide them with reiki as well.
Giving reiki in-person is my preference; however, I learned a valuable (and powerful) lesson during my certification training. In an exercise with a partner, we were to give reiki to someone the partner chose, and the only information we were given was their name. What came up for me, and what I shared with my partner, was spot on, according to her, for her distant spouse. So, remote reiki sessions are just as effective as in-person, and that exercise proved that for me. And trust me when I say, my skeptic antenna was high on alert – going into my certification and throughout, that is, until I experienced it.
I’ve experienced spot-on moments since certification. I’m telling you, it never ceases to amaze me and, I am dumbfounded after every session. I feel incredibly blessed to be given the opportunity to help others in this way, too. When young children, who naturally don’t have filters and generally don’t lie, ask for reiki because “it makes them feel better [than they did before]” and for a boy to request it, too, to boot – I know I have something unique to offer.
So, you may be wondering what a distant session entails. Here is a distant session in a nutshell:
- Because I care to see who I am working with, we will meet over Zoom. We will discuss the online form you fill out prior. I’ll answer any questions you have and go over what to expect during the session.
- You find a relaxing space to either lie down or sit comfortably in a chair during the allotted session time.
- We will meet up again, on Zoom, after the session to go over what you experienced. I’ll also cover what came up for me during your session and discuss follow-up.
That’s it, and, either way, you get to relax. 🙂 Sounds pretty painless, right? And this is where technology is a beautiful thing! If you would like to take advantage of this quarantine time by making you a priority (and your emotional and energetic well-being), I encourage you to take a look at my schedule HERE. For the remainder of March, I am offering 60-minute reiki sessions at a discounted rate. And, because my evening schedule has significantly been freed up due to no school or school activities, I have a lot more time on my hot hands (pun intended). ;P If you don’t see a time that works for you (due to time zone, etc.), please reach out to me via email at victoria [at] theunleashedheart [dot] com.
Tend to your physical and emotional wellness these quarantined days, friend. Don’t forget, nature hasn’t been canceled! 😉
Sending you all the reiki love and compassion energy…
Grief Tips, Mind/Body Wellness, Resources |
I had an entirely different blog post previously ready for today. However, given the circumstances with Covid-19 (a.k.a. [dumb] Corona Virus), I felt this post was a priority.
Fear is a valid emotion. And, it is one that just so happens to, at times, keep us alive. Fear is what makes us run when we’re being chased, protect ourselves when our safety is in danger, and act when fear wells up in us in an emergency.
However, what happens when fear is an emotional response rather than one that’s a matter of safety? What is the difference?
When I think about how my body responds to fear of doing something new (like publishing my book) or to danger, there is a difference. When faced with a decision that makes me feel fearful, I tend to feel it as anxiety. I will have nervous energy, lack of focus, and an inability to act in a way that creates momentum (i.e., I tend to procrastinate). However, when I’ve been faced with a situation that made me feel like I was in danger (for example, realizing I was being followed as I walked the streets of Austin, TX), that fear was different than the fear felt from doing something new/scary. This fear had me evaluating my surroundings, thinking through scenarios, and looking for someone to help me feel safe.
I’ve been pondering fear for the past few days. What do you think? Do you agree that fear, from an emotional state, provokes a different response than that fear that originates from danger? Do you think the body’s response is similar or different?
Regardless, fear is a valid feeling; it serves a purpose for humanity. It is one thing that we have in common with the animal world, too. In regards to Covid-19, the response has been more of an emotional one for me. I have not found myself feeling fearful for my health or that of my spouse or children. However, I have found myself feeling concerned for my mom, in-laws, and others in my community.
We’re seeing both of these fear responses now. Some individuals can’t see loved ones who are quarantined (with or without symptoms) who may have other life-threatening conditions already. So, imagine the fear of losing a loved one who you can’t see, hug, or touch, all the while knowing there’s a possibility they may pass away? Do you think they are experiencing grief?
Or, how about the woman who has an immunocompromised child? Knowing her child has been close to death before with common, known illnesses, and there’s now this unknown viral infection that’s already taking lives? Do you think you would be a fearful mother, too? Do you think you would maybe react out of fear, also, when non-worried folks are downplaying what is unknown to all of us?
And, I think that’s where the fear is originating. This thing arrived in our backyards unknown. It’s wreaking havoc on our way of life, finances, our emotions, how we live and work, and how we interact with others. For example, a family member works in Target, and somehow it’s their fault that the shelves are empty of toilet paper. This “TP-Gate” still doesn’t make much sense to me as diarrhea is not one of the common symptoms, and the majority of our toilet paper in the states comes from within the U.S. Also, can you imagine being a mother of a baby and not being able to find wipes? I also cannot imagine working in a nursing home these days and running out of toilet paper. I have worked as a certified nursing assistant and seriously, bless the hearts of those who work in the medical field now. They risk their health for a paycheck, perhaps, even their own life if they have underlying conditions.
So, how about we start looking at this thing differently. I imagine it’s going to be sticking around for a while. Emotions are already running high, stress/issues with finances, health, parenting, and then some looms over all of our heads. So, how about we at least try to lead with love? Before striking back out of emotional fear, stop, and think. There are already copious amounts of grief in our society. This situation is bound to only add to it for many. Think beyond your immediate bubble for a moment. Zoom out to the bigger picture, and all of the possible scenarios already playing out in other people’s lives. Because, when we only think from our bubbles, we’re missing the opportunity to lead with love. Instead, extend some grace to the stressed employee at Target. Offer support to the single mother who has no choice but to be home with her kids, sick or not because schools are closed, and without a paycheck. Be a listening ear for the man who can’t see his quarantined, dying mother who is on hospice.
We all carry grief in some form and Covid-19 is definitely creating more of that. My daughter is quite sad (and angry) that her first year of playing volleyball has come to an abrupt end. Those in quarantine, who are already potentially isolating grievers, may experience an even more significant impact on their mental health. And, those who can’t say goodbye to a dying loved one, in person, will undoubtedly experience grief beyond measure. Children will miss their classmates and learning environment. Teachers, coaches, athletes, actors/actresses, and then some, won’t be able to participate and share their passion with others. These experiences, too, will cause grief.
On a personal note, The Grief Recovery Institute has put out the recommendation not to conduct support groups or one-on-one programs until further notice. For those who rely on this profession full-time, or in any profession that is reliant on in-person work, they’re bound to feel the sting to their finances, as well as the sadness that accompanies the fact that they’re not able to help/serve others.
This virus is far-reaching than the illness itself and, I think this week, that fact settled into the forefront of our minds. I think we would all agree, too, that this thing can’t be in our rearview soon enough.
In the meantime, let’s set the intention at the start of our day to let love lead the way. Send out, energetically, healing, and love to your loved ones, community, state, country, and world. Let’s step up our self-care and make our personal mental health a priority. Limiting news exposure, purposefully not tuning in, or logging on; only checking credible sources long enough to stay informed, would greatly contribute to our mental health as well.
I am sending you and yours, my love. I pray this thing leaves us sooner rather than later and quickly becomes a bad memory (from which we all learn something).
To love leading the way…
P.S. In case you didn’t know, Reiki boosts immunity! If you would like to learn more, click HERE.
Growth, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness, Resources |
The fog has been relentless here lately. It got me thinking about how it’s nearly impossible to see ahead when it’s so thick, especially in the darkness, and despite headlights to guide us on our way.
Growth is a lot like this. We don’t know what we don’t know. When life is feeling challenging, it can be outright painful to even look ahead to the future. During the hard, growth days, in the releasing and letting go of what’s no longer serving our higher good, that’s when the fog begins to lift. We start to see more clearly. We are able to look in the rearview and see how far we’ve come, too.
I don’t believe we ever graduate from “growth college.” It’s not something in which we can earn a Masters or PH.D. degree. It’s through the school of hard-Knox life where we learn as we go. There isn’t some end-point we all should be striving to achieve.
If we can accept that growth is a forever ongoing process and that we never truly reach enlightenment (unless you’re Buddhist), we then can savor the process of discovering and uncovering all the layers that have created and shaped us.
The fog has lifted here in the great plains. Despite not seeing the sun for several days, I know it’s there. Isn’t that funny? We have faith and trust that the sun is there, even when we can’t see it. And yet, we don’t trust and have faith in ourselves that we too, have a light within us that, no matter how thick the fog may get, can light the way for us – even in the darkest of days.
P.S. My B.F.F. shared this Kindness February Calendar (<— click for immediate download) with me. I love it so much; I thought I’d share it with you. Spread your light, friend; with all the darkness and fog out there, we need more of it.
P.P.S. Info on my FREE talk tomorrow and the upcoming 8-week Grief Recovery Group! 🙂 PDF LINK to TALK and PDF LINK to Group
Grief, Grief Stories, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness, Resources |
I had a different blog post planned for today; however, I felt this topic more strongly today. So, let’s talk about the word fine, particularly in the context of I’m fine.
For most of my life, when someone would ask me, “how are you?” My response (like it is for a lot of us) would be, “I’m fine.”
There’s a question we need to interject, however. In the space between that question and our knee-jerk response, ask: “Do I like to be lied to?”
We often pause, to tell the truth about ourselves in this instance, because it’s just easier. Getting deep with, what is often a casual, small-talk question, would be uncomfortable, right? I mean, if we ask someone (anyone) how they’re doing, we’re likely to be caught off guard if we got the truth – if it’s anything but “I’m fine.”
Let’s look at this typical scenario more closely, shall we?
Had I told the truth about myself when someone asked me how I was doing back in 2014, I would have said:
Life itself overwhelms me, and I am feeling miserable inside. I feel like there’s more to me than where I’m at and what I’m doing right now. Everything from my past is creaping up on me. I feel like a hot mess. I haven’t showered for three days (no lie) and only get out of my pj’s and make my bed right before my kids come home, so they don’t see what a hot mess I am. I take personality tests, am going through various personal development programs trying to figure out why I’m so f*cked up. That’s how I feel – f*cked up. I ache all over. I can’t eat because I feel bloated all the time. My hair is falling out in clumps in the shower. I am quick to anger and slow to love. Also, I got a dog because my youngest went to kindergarten and, I needed a distraction, because, just like that, I feel like I’ve lost a part of my identity – in so many ways.
How do you think someone would respond to that on the street, on the phone, or at lunch? They likely would’ve regretted even asking. And, for some reading that, you may be realizing, for the first time (if you haven’t read my book), how I really felt and what my days really looked like back then.
Grief causes us to behave in ways that are out of character for who we are at our core. But, here’s the caveat to that statement: I don’t think we truly know ourselves until we dissect ourselves. We may have an understanding of our likes, dislikes, passions, etc.. But, I’m talking really deep examining and knowing. The knowing you finally feel when you look in the mirror, and your reflection meets your soul. When have you seen yourself this way? Have you looked at yourself in the mirror so profoundly that you began to weep? If I were Kenny Rogers singing “Gamgling Man,” I’d bet my left kidney that you haven’t. It’s been a long time since I’ve done so myself.
I can tell you, what’s happened for me when I have in the past, is a whole lot of tears start flowing. Those tears would come from a whole lot of hurt at that time. I would bet my right kidney, but considering I already bet my left and probably lost, I’ll say I’d bet my next paycheck that if I did so today, it would be a different story. Today, I feel a whole lot of appreciation for being where I am in my life and all the sh*t I worked through to get to this place. I know this because it happens so easily now when I am in meditation or journaling.
So, perhaps when people ask me now, “how are you?” I should say: “Fantastic. How can I help you feel fantastic today, too?” I’m sure that’s not something most people would expect to hear, right?
So, friend – how can I help YOU feel fantastic today? Or, perhaps, tomorrow, or nine weeks from now? More specifically, I can, after the last session of my upcoming eight-week grief group program (March 11th). Shameless plug, I know. But truthfully, this program was the catalyst for changing the trajectory of the rest of my life. I feel this in my bones because I became certified, and I’ve found my calling in this work. However, even if you’re not certifying and are a participant, you’re going through it and doing the work. You complete deep inner-work, in a supported and guided environment. You don’t know it yet, but the feeling after the eight weeks will have you choosing another response than “I’m fine.” I guarantee it.
Let’s remove “I’m fine” from our vocabulary and, instead, begin to tell the truth about ourselves. Grief isn’t a dirty word. And yet, it certainly feels like it is. I’m on a mission to make grief common-talk, just like the weather. Not one person is immune to it, regardless of race, gender, sexual preference, etc.. We can look at anyone on the street and know there’s something within them that causes an ache inside because we all grieve something or someone. “I’m fine” is merely a distraction from the pain and loneliness that persists inside. And by saying “I’m fine,” we’re placing a bandaid over an infection. All the while, we’re rejecting and denying where our “hut (heart + gut)” is telling us we need to heal.
We start changing the conversation when we start getting honest with ourselves and with each other. And, this conversation starts in our homes with our children. We need to stop accepting, “I’m fine.” We have to help our children find the words to help them express how they’re truly feeling. Because behind every “I’m fine” is a lie if we take the time to dissect it.
One last thought: How can we expect our children to tell the truth about themselves when we hide the truth about ourselves?
P.S. Tickets/info for my upcoming group in Bismarck, ND can be found HERE, if you’re interested in moving beyond your grief.
Growth, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness, Spirituality |
Who misses their own business anniversary? This gal.
Who got to celebrate with a great group of ladies two days late over the inter-webs? This gal.
It’s all good.
I feel as though I’ve walked a thousand miles this past year. Nothing near what Jesus accomplished, but hey, it was totally worth it. I’m sure Jesus felt his 7,300 miles (20 miles per day, on average – I Googled it) was worth it, too.
Anything challenging is often what we most need and, also, what we find is most worth it to us in the end. Isn’t that the truth?!
I launched The Unleashed Heart, LLC January 8th, 2019. So, my business is officially no longer a baby and is now a toddler! Lol! Hopefully, there aren’t too many temper tantrums on the horizon, but I expect some along the way. If I think about her (my business) as a toddler, resistance is bound to happen. But, if 2019 prepared me for anything, it laid the foundation for allowing. There doesn’t have to be a tug-of-war, power struggle always going on. I get to choose to be proactive and allow, or armor up and resist.
At the time of the launch, I had created Living Unleashed™ and launched it simultaneously with the website. Two months later, I would set out on an emotional and spiritual experience that I couldn’t have fathomed would’ve changed my life as it has.
This past year has led to some fantastic experiences, opportunities, and friendships that have felt so timely. My heart was cracked wide open in 2019.
Between Grief Recovery Certification, Usui Holy Fire Reiki Levels I & II Certification, The Unbecoming Collective Accountability Group, and the things I planned in 2019 for 2020, I can say 2019 was my exponential growth year.
2019 was the year I:
- Launched a new business (my 3rd)
- Overcame 30+ years of grief
- Booked and took a solo trip (to Austin, TX) for the first time
- Connected more fully to my heart
- Experienced spirituality in a way I had never before (maybe even for me – for the first time)
- Fully believed and embraced that we are physical beings here on earth, having a spiritual experience. I had heard/read this many times before, but this year was the year I feel like I felt it for the first time.
- Helped other hurting hearts navigate their grief and feeling what fulfillment felt like for the first time.
- Felt alignment for the first time – in who I am and what I am here to do
- Experienced Reiki for the first time. Mind-blown. All I gotta say is you have to experience it, and you’ll get a sense of what I mean. It’s bizarre, the most relaxed I had felt in ages, and it’s healing that can’t be seen – only felt.
- Forged new friendships
- Got out of my comfort zone and started speaking in front of people (I hadn’t done that since speech competition in high school).
- Gave up alcohol. So far, so good.
- Felt like I became a wiser parent (Grief Recovery & inner-work helped with this).
- Wrote a blog post every Friday and newsletter every Wednesday for 52 weeks – and counting.
- Started a daily meditation practice – 26 days and counting.
- Gave up on running. I’ve narrowed down my daily preferred body movements to either yoga or a 2-mile incline power walk (and, I swear I burn more calories doing this than I ever did running 2 miles flat).
- Signed up for Usui Reiki Master Certification (I can teach with this certification)
- Had an amazing (first, big) family vacation with those I love dearly
I could probably think of more if I sat here a bit longer, but, for the sake of finishing this post, I’ll stop there.
We don’t celebrate our lives enough. The past year was amazing, extremely challenging, and rewarding. And I honestly cannot wait to see what I can write for my 2nd Anniversary blog post!
So, enough about me. How about you? Have you reflected on 2019, celebrating, and finding the light – even in the darkness?
Growth, for me, won’t stop just because the calendar flipped, and we entered a new decade. I have a feeling this is only the beginning.
