Once upon a time, 2016’ish, to be more precise, I thought I was doing pretty well emotionally. I had officially closed my boutique photography studio, started a blog, and was writing regularly about what I had learned and experienced throughout the previous two years. I had also hired a life coach, was reading a lot of self-help books and landed a job that matches my desire for flexibility and variety. Things were on the up and up and, I was optimistic about my future. However, for two years straight, I felt like a trainwreck.
During those two years, as my health declined, and I felt like I was never going to do anything meaningful with my life (being a mom wasn’t enough for me), it was a discovery process of what I needed to address emotionally, what wasn’t working in my life, and what I needed to change. This was also on the heels of unaddressed post-partum depression. And ultimately, what started to happen was decades of unresolved grief started to manifest in my business and life during that time, too.
Fast-forward to 2017, after three years of personal development work, an opportunity fell into my lap and the book that I longed to write was starting to come to fruition. My dream of one day writing a book was actually becoming a reality! Nearly every weekday morning, for two months straight, I got up at 5:30 AM to write. Then, while in the editing phase of the book, I would be hit with a loss that would bring up the deepest, unaddressed wound I had – the loss of my dad. My dad’s only living brother, and the one whom my dad was closest to, had brain cancer. And, the moment I heard the news that he was in the hospital, I decided right then I needed to see him, despite the thirty years that had passed since my dad’s funeral, which was the last time I ever saw him. So, the same day of receiving the news, I went to see him; not knowing if he’d want to see me, recognize me, or even if he was well enough to have a conversation. With a knock on that hospital door, the trajectory of my life would change, solely on that one decision, to knock on his hospital door. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and yet, I felt with every intuitive bone in me, that was exactly where I was meant to be.
The visit was incredibly healing, and the timing divine, because within fifteen minutes of my arrival, his daughter and niece arrived, neither of whom I’d seen since a kid. We were all shocked to see each other there and it was a moment I will never forget. And, the months that followed, were the greatest gift to my heart, as I would be gifted with several more visits with my uncle, and with his passing, I had felt we both received a gift we hadn’t expected, and one that would have never been possible had I not chosen to put my ego aside, risk my own heart, and knock on that door.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, grief makes us feel like we don’t have choices. Let this story illustrate to you that we always, always have a choice. And, doing nothing is a choice, too. That one act led to me realizing that I wasn’t okay. The inner-work that I had been doing up to that point, albeit not wasted, hadn’t actually addressed the root of all of my issues – the grief! It was that experience with my uncle that prompted a Google search that landed me on The Grief Recovery Institute website, which led to me registering for certification that was later canceled (I couldn’t believe it), that led to me booking a flight to Austin, TX to do my training there scheduled for the same time. I knew what I needed and I wasn’t about to let anything stop me at that point. Again, I had another choice to make. Do I take that cancelation as the end-all, be-all option? Or, do I find the resources to make, what I knew I intuitively was guided to, happen no matter the extra cost? I obviously chose the latter. Again, I had a decision to make; I could choose to live in my grief another year, which is what it would’ve been before another training within driving distance would’ve taken place, or answer the call of my heart. Thankfully, I chose wisely and, my heart has not been the same since.
It was not until after grief recovery where I knew I was healing. Surprise! But, it’s absolutely the truth. Because, for the first time in my life, I was able to have conversations I had never been able to have with the people closest to me, and not find myself a wreck for days that followed. The more I utilized the tools and knowledge of grief recovery, the less I looked to others to give me what I needed to be giving myself (love, affirmation, validation, etc.). My confidence started to grow and my self-awareness was through the roof. It was as if the veil of grief (which I’ve spoken about on my podcast) had been lifted and, I was seeing my life (past and present) with new eyes. I had the most life-changing experience when I went through the grief recovery method. And, it’s in knowing how hard it is to do the work, how emotionally and physically taxing it feels in the process, that I can guide others through the same process. It is anything but easy. And, it brings up stuff that you thought was long buried. However, in grief, you’re already suffering. You may as well be suffering and moving your feet. You may as well be moving one foot in front of the other, knowing that week by week of going through the process, you’re shedding another layer, and lifting that veil of grief higher and higher, until you, too, see clearly. Grief recovery is a clarifier of your life, a purifier of your heart, and allows you to be an emotional processing plant rather than the emotional storage tank you have been.
10 Ways You Know You’re Healing Emotionally
You find yourself changing your behaviors. Where you used to get angry about something someone said/did, you can step back from the situation and consider why that reaction provoked you. You may also be choosing healthier options in food, drink, or even friends.
You’ve discovered what your boundaries are and have implemented them in your relationships and life.
You’re no longer a pile of tears in the fetal position after you start talking about a story of loss or something that happened to you.
You no longer feel the need to share the story with anyone who will listen. By this, I mean that you’re not sharing with the intention of needing or getting something in return: sympathy, validation, affirmation, etc. You find yourself sharing because 1. you were asked 2. because you have found your way beyond the pain and want to share to inspire and connect. You understand grief because you’ve been there. You understand life beyond it, too, though, because it no longer dictates your life either.
When other people share their emotional stories, it doesn’t bring up your emotional pain thereby, causing an emotional reaction in you.
You see opportunities where there was once fear.
You feel hopeful about your future.
You find yourself pausing, bringing awareness to your feelings, before responding to situations or people with your emotions. The phrase I tell myself, “I don’t know what I don’t know” is my go-to to help me with this one.
When wounds from the past, that you long thought you buried, come up out of the blue, rather than resort to the same behaviors you used to, to feel better at that moment, you sit with all of the feelings, and seek support or help to work through it.
You ask for help. We do not heal on an island. We heal in community with others; with support, guidance, and a heart with ears.
I hope today’s blog post provided some good insight into healing; that it’s a journey of self-discovery and every choice you make can either make or break your path to healing your heart.
We go to the doctor when we have a broken bone. We go to the dentist when we have a broken tooth. And yet, when we have a broken heart, we somehow think we can intellectually and logically heal hearts.
You can’t heal the heart with the head. You must tap into your heart. It is necessary to dig up the past if you want to heal it. Those that feel differently about that are likely not ready (or willing) to face what has long been emotionally unresolved within themselves.
My word of caution to all those hurting today reading this: be careful who you take your advice from; it could potentially be more harmful and hurtful to your healing. Many people value freedom. However, where most people miss the mark is understanding that the most difficult prison to break free from is the prison of one’s own mind. Being attentive to your heart will bring you the kind of freedom that can’t be bought. The caveat? You have to choose to do the difficult inner-work to get there. And, doing that is also choosing a more fulfilling, emotionally stable, and joy-filled life.
P.S. TODAY, 6/11, is the ONE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY of my podcast GRIEVING VOICES!!! 📣🥳Thank you so much for listening, sharing, reviewing, rating, being a guest if you have been one (or are upcoming), and overall support! I am a one-woman show when it comes to the podcast, and I’ve definitely learned a TON along the way. And to think, I was hesitant and unsure right away because I wasn’t sure anyone would want to share their stories. And now, people wanting to be guests pop up left and right. And, if you are wanting to be a guest, and share your story, please head HERE and fill out this form. I don’t care if you’re an expert in a field or not; the premise of the show is to share your grieving voice and story. Everything beyond that is secondary.
In my work with clients in grief recovery over the past few weeks, my clients and I have talked a lot about the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations. And, anything they wish would’ve been (or would be) different, better, or more.
So many people believe that grief is only an experience after someone dies. When in reality, no one has to die for you to grieve. Recently, during a consultation, the client shared that after listening to my podcast episode about the myths of grief, they realized that their life experience was, at the root of it all, grief. And, they had plenty of grief-causing experiences, too. And, another area of grief that’s come up with my clients lately has been how, in their relationships (and we all do this), both they and their significant others are bringing their luggage of what they wish had been different, better, or more in their lives, well before the relationship even started.
What happens when you have two people get together that both have unresolved grief? You get a simmering pot of unexpressed anger, sadness, resentment, fear, insecurities, you name it, that all come together. Circling back to the luggage analogy, and as I shared with my client, it’s as if you both dump your bags of luggage onto a bed, and your stuff mixes with their stuff and then something happens that shakes up the relationship, so you go to grab your stuff again, however, by that point, it’s hard to know what’s yours and what’s theirs anymore.
If every person who’s had a past that’s created emotional dis-ease and emotional restlessness and discontent were to address the grief itself (and calling it for what it is – grief) at the root, before getting into an intimate relationship with another, then we’d have happier and more emotionally stable homes, communities, and world. And more importantly, the children of our world wouldn’t become the byproducts of adult emotional pain.
I challenge you to look at who you are today and consider how the wounds of your past have shaped the decisions and behaviors you’ve resorted to, in an attempt to feel better, and how those decisions and behaviors have impacted others throughout your life. When we’re overcome with a long-standing undercurrent of grief, we easily become stuck in that “woe is me” mindset. As that quote goes, we can’t see the label from inside the jar. In other words, take your blinders off and look at what you’re trying so hard not to see.
What do you wish would have been (or would be) different, better, or more in your life?
A big hug from me to you, my friend. 💛
P.S. On 6/23 at 8 PM CST, I will be offering up a FREE, live event! It will not be recorded, so you must attend live! If you want to make sure you don’t miss the announcement or the opportunity to register, my email list will be getting the info FIRST (and spots are limited) next week Wednesday (6/9) when my newsletter goes out. Want a heads-up sneak peek? Sign up HERE. 😊
Today, I thought I would speak about what I do, how I’m different, and the type of client I resonate most with.
What I Do
Through grief healing programs, I walk you through the process of being leashed to grief – to being unleashed and emotionally free.
Through online and in-person programs, trailblazers like you realize that the one area of your life that’s always had a background presence is the one area you’ve also never addressed (i.e., grief). You have not connected the dots that loss, suffering, and grief have negatively impacted your life. But, you recognize that the chip on your shoulder, the poison (i.e., resentment) you’re drinking, hoping the other person dies, and the anger that’s been stewing from years past isn’t helping you live the life you envisioned for yourself. You know it could be better; you just haven’t found the how.
That’s where I come in – empowering and equipping you to help yourself.
There is no magic pill, and what I have to offer isn’t that. However, it does feel like a magical formula that works in magical ways in your life. When paired together, I believe I have found two programs that will be the key to you becoming unleashed from your past and unlocking your future. They have certainly done that for me. And I have already seen amazing results for my clients. While the Grief Recovery Method® was the light at the end of the dark tunnel (the hope and guidance they needed to leave the pain in the rearview), YouMap® was the lantern that has illuminated their path forward.
With empathy as my number one strength and the driver of my life, my approach is heart-centered. Please take a peek at my own YouMap® and, it’s clear to me that I am fully aligned in the work that I do with every service I offer, including Reiki and End-of-Life services (which I have yet to bring to the forefront). What brings me fulfillment is being of service in a meaningful way. I love helping others unlock their own potential, and, for the vast majority of us, the secret sauce is addressing the very stuff of our hearts we try so desperately to avoid or bury. And, an area of service I have yet to share fully is to help those dying die in a way that honors their wishes, helps them and their loved ones feel supported, and provide guidance for end-of-life, in general. There’s so much to share I haven’t even gotten to yet!
On a final note that supports what I do, I am the only Advanced Grief Recovery Method Specialist in the world certified as a YouMap® coach and vice versa. And, because 1 in 33 million people share the same top 5 strengths as me (or you), it is a particular skill-set I bring to grievers and those who want to uplevel their lives (and, in turn, their energy).
Be The Trailblazer of Your Life
The trailblazer is the go-getter, the do-er, a maverick, of sorts. You know you’re meant for more but have found yourself, year after year, stuck in the same old patterns of behavior that, well, keep you stuck. You may be the CEO of your home, wrangling all of the kids to their activities, all the while, you’re time is consumed by PTO/PTA, church council, city board, and the care of the household. Perhaps, on top of all of those duties, you also work outside the home, or perhaps, you have your own business, too.
You know your life (and/or business/career) could be better. You know you have a hard time making decisions. You likely feel inadequate in some ways, and if in business especially, you struggle with people skills and time management. You’re often feeling scatter-brained, have difficulty focusing, and most days could use a personal secretary. All the while, it feels like everyone around you isn’t struggling like you are. They go about their day unaffected by the little things that seem to set you off into a tailspin. – life could be better. You want life to be better. You want to feel better about your life. You know there’s potential for amazing things to come to fruition, but all of that seems out of reach. And, you also recognize that there’s a good reason for the struggle. You just haven’t connected the dots – yet.
You may not see yourself as a trailblazer, but if there’s one thing I have learned doing this work myself and with others, it is with momentum, you will become one. Once you start paving your path and blazing your own trail, you realize there’s nothing that can stop you. And, you’ll also feel far more prepared for the curveballs and sh*t-storms that happen in the future when you have the tools you learn through Grief Recovery to fall back on and rather than respond, approach the situation with a proactive mindset because you will have learned how to prevent yourself from further unnecessary suffering (through the knowledge gained in your YouMap®).
Connecting the Dots
You may be drinking more than you know you should be some nights. However, given the stress and anxiety you feel, it brings you relief and an escape for a time. The credit card debt may be racking up because spending money on things you don’t need has become another past-time to feel better. As a result of the shame and added stress these other behaviors (or behaviors like these) are causing in your life, you’re quick to anger. So, to combat the conflict at home, you’re becoming a workaholic.
Consider the losses in your life since childhood. These losses stack up. From losing a beloved pet, a grandparent that was more like a parent to you, a traumatic experience, or growing up in a dysfunctional home – perhaps with an alcoholic or witnessing domestic violence – your upbringing impacts your decision-making well into adulthood.
The cure to understanding the who, what, and why is to dig deep – in a guided, supported way. Unlike years of therapy (which has its place) and popping pills, tipping the bottle, or relying on mantras and affirmations (although these do have their time and place, too) – grief recovery is action. Through grief recovery, you go emotional mining, however, not in a willy-nilly way. Through an evidence-proven method, you’re guided through your inner, emotional experiences, thereby transforming your outer experience.
If a transformation of your heart, and your life, is what you seek, there is hope. If, what you’ve been doing, hasn’t been working, seriously ask yourself what you believe to be true about your life with grief. Are you exhausted by the emotional weight you’re carrying?
That boulder can be lifted, believe me.
And, I promise you – grief recovery is unlike anything you’ve ever experienced. There is nothing else like it. It’s trademarked for a reason. Kent University studied it for a reason. It works. Experience the difference for yourself.
For those that believe you don’t have to look back to heal – I’m talking to you, too.
How has sweeping the pain under the rug been working for you?
I know it hasn’t because I did the same. And, because we’re all taught the same myths about grief, we’re all “under-the-rug-sweepers” to some degree.
Start sweeping your doorstep today, and you’ll see how the dust begins to settle in all areas of your life.
I’ve so been there, friend. I was you. It’s pretty amazing on the other side of the pain. I hope you join me.
P.S. Would you like to learn more? Schedule a free, no-obligation consultation!
May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and today, I’d like to share some insights on three areas of importance when it comes to mental health. Although there are many other factors and things to consider as this is an extensive topic, I am choosing the following areas to share areas of focus today.
You cannot focus on your physical health and make sustainable changes without considering your mental health. The way you take care of your mind and spirit will have lasting effects on your physical body. Only when you view your wellness as a whole will you be able to feel your best.
Support System
It is so important to compile a strong support system to help you through difficult times. It is not healthy to have your entire support system be wrapped up in one person, so cultivating a wider circle of people who can offer differentiated support is important.
A good place to start is friends and family members. Maintaining healthy relationships with those closest to you will help you feel grounded and give you an outlet when you need to talk about problems. Having people to talk to about your feelings will help you work through them and help release pent-up emotions that can fester if left on their own. It is also a good way to gain some perspective about your problems and maybe think of new solutions. They can also offer emotional support as you work through issues and make steps moving forward.
Talking to a professional is also a good idea. Whether you have past trauma and need PTSD Treatment or need an unbiased person to talk to about your life, a therapist or counselor can help you work through many issues. They can guide you on healthy coping mechanisms, setting healthy boundaries, and tools to help you move forward.
All that being said, there is a caveat to creating a strong support system. Sometimes, the people who are emotionally available to support you best are not your family or friends. Often, the best people to support you have no skin in the game; that is your life. It can be difficult for them to be objective and not have their feelings involved, too. They are invested in your life because they’re in your life. That’s where it can be refreshing and even more helpful to have an ally in your well-being who is unbiased and who won’t judge, analyze, or criticize your decisions or your current experience. This is what you receive when you choose to work with a grief recovery specialist who has been trained by The Grief Recovery Institute, the foremost authority on grief. Also, it’s worth noting that it pays to consider how much personal, inner work the individual you’re running toward for support has gone through themselves. I firmly believe that we can sit with others in their pain, only to the depths we’ve worked on healing our own. And this is why, I believe, so many relationships fall away for grievers after a life-altering event. Your pain and grief will bring up emotions that uncomfortable for others to face themselves. And for some, it’s too painful, so rather than addressing it when being faced with it, it’s easier to distance themselves from the source of the one “poking the bear,” so to speak.
Self-Care
You also need to make sure that you are taking care of yourself. Traditionally, when people think about self-care, they imagine facials and bubble baths. That can be an important part of your self-care routine. Making the time to relax and pamper yourself can prove to be an effective use of time if it is what your mental health needs.
Self-care also means taking care of yourself, even when it is hard. It means changing bad habits to live a healthier life. It means setting necessary boundaries to form good relationships. It means doing the tasks that you have been putting off.
Self-care became a buzzword in 2020 with Covid-19, in particular, rightfully so. I feel like boundaries are particularly vital for all of us to practice self-care that goes beyond any expenditures and has a far more lasting impact on our lives.
There are many books on creating boundaries. If you’re an empath, like me, this is a great book talking about energetic boundaries. And, if you’re looking to create boundaries in a variety of relationships, perhaps this book is just the thing you need to read asap. I read both, and they’re amazing in their own way. There are some Christian undertones in the latter mention; however, I don’t think it’s overly done or written intrusively. Just thought it was worth mentioning.
Say “Yes” To Yourself
It is also important that you take care of your mental health by engaging in things that interest you. This can be hobbies that you have done and lost touch with, things you want to learn but haven’t, or simply going to places and being involved in interesting things.
Permitting yourself to say “yes” to yourself can be powerful. It helps you acknowledge that what you want and need is valid, and that can translate into other areas of your life as well.
When you want to do something but then automatically start to push it out of your mind, stop for a minute. Ask yourself why you are pushing that away and why you can’t do it. If you cannot come up with a good reason, or the reasons you have are just excuses, start permitting yourself to put yourself first.
One of the most common barriers to receiving mental health support is cost. I have encountered this in my own business with potential clients who, at the end of the day, don’t believe they are worth investing in themselves. And that was me, too. What I learned, though, is that although growth through pain is inevitable, which will be extended as long as you resist it. However, you can greatly shorten the time it takes to get to your own end-game (i.e., mental wellness) only by seeking the right support, whatever that may be for you. It wasn’t until I invested in myself and continued to do so, where my life began to blossom. As a result, I have experienced so much fulfillment that could have, very easily, taken me another decade to attain had I not decided I was worth it.
You are the captain of your ship, the master of your heart, and the buck stops with you. What is stopping you from taking your mental health seriously? Access? Cost? Attitude? Belief system? What is it? And, what are you waiting for to help yourself?
Be the hero of your story.
P.S. I’ve recently added a perk to working with me through Grief Recovery, and that is by adding YouMap®, which addresses your personal strengths, skills, values, and how you’re wired, at no additional cost. It’s important to see how these areas factor into grief so that once we sweep out some grief cobwebs and you’ve received a whole lot more insight and healing, it’s important to devise a plan for what’s next. It’s important that I help support my clients beyond grief because there is more to us than our grief. And, I know firsthand how grief creates a great divide between who we were before grief and who we have the potential to become. Click HERE to learn more!
Just today, I listened to this thought-provoking, self-reflective podcast episode with Krista Tippett of On Being. So much of what her guest, Resmaa Menakem, shared about trauma, energy, the energy of trauma in our bodies, healing and, the responsibility we have to ourselves, and society to do the inner-work spoke to me. Also, his words had me reflecting on what I believe to be true about myself. Like it or not, I’m a white woman living in rural America. I didn’t ask for my “whiteness,” or the generational trauma white people have inflicted on others and, too, experienced in the dark ages as Resmaa shares. Just like I didn’t ask for the personal trauma I’ve experienced. You didn’t ask for your generational and personal trauma either.
I’m including the episode here because I feel it’s important to give it a permanent space here on my website. I’m wanting to learn and, I feel it’s so important to always, always consider the perspective of others. There is a lot of learning lost when we get so wrapped around one point of view and don’t open ourselves up to hearing the stories of others. I LOVE hearing other human’s stories; it’s what I love most about podcasting. And, I would love to include the voices of others whose life experiences have been starkly different from mine. It’s in contrast where we have the opportunity to find the golden nuggets of sameness of what it means to be human.
Our humanness doesn’t request adversity. Our humanness is born into it, as much as it is a byproduct of the environment in which the human body and human spirit will either struggle or thrive. – Victoria Volk
What do we do with the trauma and the grief that’s left? Listen to Resmaa’s interview for some science behind the body’s response to trauma, suggestions for addressing it, and how he beautifully articulates what is plaguing our society today.
I share my perspective below, in the context of interpersonal relationships, which echoes some of what Resmaa speaks to in terms of the energy of trauma.
Traumatic events such as military deployment in a war zone, being victim to any type of assault, childhood trauma, and depression, can affect our relationships in various ways, even many years after the event. When our mind is under attack, many are left with scars that they carry on their psyche for years.
Some questions I’ve asked myself have been:
How does trauma affect our minds?
How does trauma affect our relationships?
Why is dealing with trauma alone the worst thing for our mental health?
The Energy of Trauma
I think to understand trauma, we must understand the energy of it. Pay attention to what happens within your body in response to a personally experienced traumatic event. Pay attention to the response signals your body puts out in response to reliving an experienced (or generational trauma) felt within the body.
The book, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, is not an easy read if you have unaddressed trauma. Personally, I have yet to get through it; it’s a heavy read but informative all the same. If you wish to understand the trauma of someone close to you or wonder if it is trauma that is stuck within your body, this book will shed light. However, if you have experienced trauma, I need to share the disclaimer that it is a high likelihood that it will bring up buried grief within you.
For many years, I put my trauma in a little box and tucked it down deep. As much as I tried to avoid it, it showed up in my early 20s in a big way. I still did not connect what was happening to the grief that was residual to the childhood trauma. So, as grief does, it created this divide within me. I would have experiences in my life that did not deem the reaction and meaning I would assign to those experiences. I was out of touch with reality in a lot of ways. In a way, I walled myself off from my heart and was intellectualizing everything I experienced. In essence, I was disassociating myself from my physical body and outward reality. When something happens that isn’t normal, we think to ourselves, “this shouldn’t be happening.” Logically, we know it isn’t normal. However, when a sense of safety and security is stripped away, what is left but to go somewhere else in your mind? This is how I would describe my experience. Seeing your life as if it were a movie. Memories become scant or vague. But the feeling, the feeling is there. It’s buried so deep. Until one day, like a volcano, you erupt and everything seems to go to hell in a handbasket.
So, how does trauma play out in relationships?
Dissociation is a natural response to trauma. Any person facing an experience that involves too much pain and terror, and whose mental mechanisms are incapable of dealing with it, will develop a dissociation. Shock is a response to something that erupts at us sharply, and thus the disconnect allows the mind to adapt immediately and cut out the pain, horror, and belief in the impending physical or mental death. This saves the brain access to a dangerous state of mind that contains feelings, memories, and thoughts that are unprocessable. When you think about this in a relationship, it can make you feel afraid that the other person will leave, that you’re not capable, or that things are destined to go wrong. Sometimes it can send you the opposite; overly obsessed and perhaps have a love addiction.
The Rise of Obsession & Fear
Because this process involves many mental conflicts, pain, grief, and touching the heart of the mental trauma, it can feel unbearable. Disconnection allows us to erase, anesthetize or cut out of ourselves the same aspects of ourselves associated with trauma so that we can live without worry again. Typically, people suffering from a severe dissociative disorder in adulthood experienced severe childhood trauma. In these difficult cases, a person can develop disorders. In a lot of cases, the person will simply isolate and distance themselves from those close to them, lower themselves in different ways, be detached from their emotions, and have difficulty developing true intimacy that is the result of attention, presence, and sharing in pain. Anyone who feels that this is affecting their life should seek therapy in some way; because there is no need to feel this burden and let it affect your life for years on end. The solution starts with firstly being able to admit that there is an issue.
And my goodness did this play out in my relationships. Add resentment and betrayal to past trauma, and that’s a recipe for troubled relationships ahead. My solution? Don’t let people get too close. I became obsessed with working out at the gym, usually two hours at a time. I became obsessed with having a good time and abused alcohol. I lived in fear of being betrayed and would make mountains out of molehills. I often created issues where there were none.
Fortunately, my husband came along and was my first safe harbor, who I attempted to push away at first, mind you. His persistence of care is what I needed in my life. He provided the affirmation that I was worth the effort when I didn’t feel like it myself.
Truly feeling cared for was only the start of healing for me. My husband wasn’t going to walk through the hard stuff for me. I needed to do that. And, as more and more stuff would rise to the surface over the years, he’s been there, every step of the way. Every moment I felt I was going crazy. Every moment where I felt like I was unworthy of his love, he persisted.
Seeking Emotional Security
My husband provided emotional security, something I had never experienced. And, this is something so many people don’t believe they have access to. That being said, it’s also important that the person you believe is that for you, is capable of being that person for you, too. Fortunately for me, I have someone in my life who did not bring the baggage of trauma into my environment. That would have been too much for me; I can’t even imagine. Bring two people who all they’ve known is grief and wowzas…is it any wonder the divorce rate, although has come down, is still 40-50% in the U.S.?
People who have experienced a lot of trauma and grief throughout their lives likely cannot, and probably should not, be helping others when that energy would be best put forth to themselves first. It’s that whole analogy of putting your oxygen mask on first. This is why I believe before people get married, it’s beneficial to go through The Grief Recovery Method. Do yourselves both the favor of dumping your past luggage or risk bringing it into your marriage. I have not stopped doing my personal work. I continue to utilize the tools and practices of grief recovery and reiki in my life.
I believe, as healers, we can only be of service to others to the depths we’ve gone ourselves.
Essentially, it’s unwavering love and support we all desire. However, with unaddressed trauma, one can give off the double message: “get closer but keep your distance”. Therefore, in a relationship with another who asks them for a deeper encounter, they will find, to their surprise, that their way of preserving themselves brings them the exact opposite. A partner may argue towards them that they are not present enough, burying their heads in the sand, being passive and imperceptible. This is why you must communicate and be open and honest. My husband could have rightfully felt I was being cold and distant more times than I can count in the nearly twenty years we’ve been together. In fact, I have been accused of such. But, what has been important for him to know is that I process my emotions privately first.
What has been the most beneficial to my marriage is me working through my shit. As a society, I believe that’s the responsibility we all have to ourselves and society – focus on healing ourselves. Healing is found within; you have to dig through the shit to get there, though. I don’t care what anyone tells you; no amount of wishing or surface-leveling talking is going to erase the past. Action is your friend. Add healthy support to that, and you will be well on your way to reinventing yourself – beyond the grief and trauma.
No matter what you’ve experienced, don’t lose hope. Hold onto the possibility that life will get better. One day at a time. One moment at a time. Surround yourself with people who have done their own work. Follow the nudges that are guiding you; keep moving your feet.
From My Heart To Yours
The worst has already happened. No matter if it happened two hours ago or two years ago, it’s already happened. What matters most is what you do next. It is possible to sit with the feelings as you work through the feelings. It feels a lot more empowering to be feeling the feelings and knowing you’re taking action than sitting with the feelings and not feeling even an ounce of relief or hope for tomorrow. It’s never too soon and, it’s never too late.
Be your own biggest fan.💛
P.S. I’ve launched the YouMap® page. When combined with Grief Recovery, it’s seeing your pain and your potential in one program; offered and available only by me in this way in the entire world!
March was a chaotic and somewhat emotionally heavy month for me. I know I wasn’t alone, as several others I had spoken to throughout the month expressed their own version of chaos and emotional heaviness. Although we often create our own suffering, don’t we?
We procrastinate on having the tough conversations we know we need to have. All the while; stewing, brewing, and ruminating.
We don’t share our needs and then get upset when our unknown needs aren’t being met.
We don’t have boundaries but then get angry when we’re taken advantage of or taken for granted.
One of the best quotes I’ve heard in a long time was this:
The more you know yourself, the less likely you’ll look to others to tell you who you are. – Kristin Sherry
A part of knowing ourselves is having an awareness of our strengths, values, and how we’re wired. When we know these things about ourselves, and out of respect for ourselves, communicate from this inner-knowing, we can look at others and consider that they, too, have differing strengths, values, and are wired differently.
This week was another death-versary of my dad being gone, and this one felt a little heavier than usual. Perhaps it was the End-of-Life Doula training I recently finished or, the conversations I’ve been having for the podcast. Either way, “stuff” came up for me this week that I didn’t expect.
I journaled about what I was feeling and here is an excerpt:
…The past two years have been the most incredible period of growth for me. Had I not sought to sweep my own doorstep, I would have never realized my potential of being a healer and lightworker that is here to serve and be a beacon of hope. I would have continued to blame, point fingers, or be a victim. None of these behaviors woud have moved me forward. It is as if I had been driving my car of life while looking in the rearview mirror. What is done is done. I can’t change it. I can’t changed all that I’ve experienced since my dad died. It is what it is. But, I’m so glad I got tired of telling myself the lie that suffering was my destiny.
We live into the stories we tell ourselves. We fulfill our own prophecies if we believe them. If you come from a poor family and believe your life is one of being poor, you will live into that self-proclaimed prophecy of living a poor life. And, I don’t just mean monetarily. We fulfill our own prophecies of being poor in health, physical appearance, qualify (and quantity) of relationships, etc..
And, grief is the one thing we can rightfully blame. There is a lot of loss represented by the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations, and anything we wish would’ve been (or could be) different, better, or more. Add in and end of, or change, in familiar patterns of behavior and, that’s grief, too!
Grief makes us feel like we don’t have a choice. But, we do.
So this week, I looked at my sadness, wrote about it, listened to some inspiring podcasts, and realized something…
the compassion I so readily give to others, I needed to give to myself.
And, after asking myself what would I say to a friend, I decided to take the day to do some things that bring me joy or lift my mood. I went on the treadmill, while listening to an inspiring podcast episode, took an extra-long shower, enjoyed a cup of tea and looked out the window (just BE-ing present), played with my pooch, Gizmo, and made a heartfelt, end of the first quarter donation, to the Fisher House for ND veterans and their families. My dad, a Vietnam vet, received his healthcare at the Fargo, ND VA Hospital after his colon cancer diagnosis. We could not be there as a family, as a place like the Fisher House did not exist. I’m so glad to see there will be a place for a family to be together.
What is the one question to ask yourself when you’re suffering?
What would I say to my friend?
More often than not, the helpers of this world have the hardest time giving to themselves what is given to others so readily – compassion.
Give yourself compassion; speak to and treat yourself kindly.
As an empathic, compassionate person (compassion is also one of my top ten values), I need to remain mindful of when the compassion scale is tipping too heavily in one direction. This is so often why those in the helper, service-based roles (therapists, doctors, nurses, counselors, healers, etc.) often burnout. We want to serve and help, but the person we often forget to serve first is ourselves. There is a reason why, during my grief recovery training, there is specific education around what is known as “compassion fatigue.”
March was my lesson in compassion fatigue. I really had to assess my schedule and look at where I needed to step on the breaks. So, I created more breathing room at the end of March, and then the death-versary came, and so did fatigue out of seemingly nowhere. The body is always speaking to us, my friend.
I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for a new month, a new quarter, and I’m looking forward to implementing some of the things the first quarter taught me this year. I’m also looking forward to sharing what I learned about end-of-life and through YouMap®.
I will be incorporating YouMap® into my grief recovery one-on-one program. This will entail an increase in pricing to reflect additional sessions and knowledge/information that will be added, however, it will only make the grief recovery experience that much richer. You will know why you’re grieving the way you grieve, recognize trouble areas, and gain a greater understanding of how others in the same household are grieving differently (which doesn’t make them wrong). Knowing your YouMap® will also help you to see exactly where your pain points are, and together, we’ll work toward a solution after grief recovery in an additional session. It’s one thing to receive an assessment of your strengths, values, skills, and how you’re wired, but what I love most is, you learn what to do with the information; something every other assessment out there doesn’t address. And believe, me, I’ve taken a lot of them.
I’d like to close with a journal entry from this week:
If we’re traumatized in childhood, we grow to be traumatized (reactive) adults who often become people-pleasers. We become adults who lack self-confidence, self-worth, and inner-peace.
The past two years have been learning how to navigate these things and find inner-peace about what cannot be changed. And rather, bless the past, and continue to evolve and grow – use it for good in my life. Because, the only constant is change.
I want to share with others what I’ve learned and walk with them in their suffering. However, always with the intention of lighting the path forward when all feels lost. Taking the last bit of hope that a hurting heart has been white-knuckling and using it to UNLEASH their heart of the darkness of their pain and into the light of what’s possible.
And, to never forget – when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life.
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You find yourself changing your behaviors. Where you used to get angry about something someone said/did, you can step back from the situation and consider why that reaction provoked you. You may also be choosing healthier options in food, drink, or even friends.
