The Power of Anger

Childhood Grief, Educational, Emotions, Grief, Pespective | 0 comments

The Power of Anger

Anger is a powerful emotion. It has a direct effect on our bodies physiologically and biologically. Early on, as children, we learn the physical cues of anger. For example, when you see someone make a fist before they hit someone or something, the facial expression when the brow narrows, and there is visual tension in the face, particularly the jaw area. The person’s face may even turn red, and their voice will get louder, depending on how angry they are. Their breathing pattern may shorten and become more shallow, too. They may even pace the room.

If you’ve been taught that anger is a “bad” emotion and it’s not one to be expressed, you may have become a pro at containing it. So, the physical cues will be different for those who are practicing constraint of anger. For someone working hard to contain their anger, their breathing pattern will change; it may become louder and perhaps slower as a conscious effort to remain calm. You may look for a way to expend that energy physically (such as exercise, cleaning, pacing, etc.).  However, internally, I feel much of the same is going on – blood pressure is rising, adrenaline is pumping, and eventually, something has to give. Some people may vacillate between the two descriptions, too. I know, for me, I would start by trying my darndest to contain my anger but, eventually, would find myself yelling (even screaming), slamming doors, getting physical, and sometimes, too, I would often end up crying.

There is a sense of shame often felt after becoming angry. Again, this ties back to the beliefs we’re taught about anger. We must raise the future generations that there are healthy ways to utilize and channel anger. It serves a valuable purpose.

Anger is our cue that something feels unfair or unjust. We also may not feel as though we are living in integrity with our own values and expectations. Expectations are huge, anyway, when it comes to our relationships. There’s a quote I heard in my grief recovery training: “Expectations are planned disappointments.” Or, said in another way:

Expectations destroy our peace of mind. They are future disappointments planned out in advance. 

– Elizabeth George

My husband says this phrase that, for a long time, drove me nuts. And, it drove me nuts because I was a person who would analyze everything. The phrase? “No one can make you angry; you make yourself angry.” Annoying, right? I have had to remind him of his own words. LOL! But, his sage words began to make more sense the more I worked through my unaddressed anger through grief recovery. As long as I was blaming another for my anger, I learned how disempowering that is and how I felt like a victim. However, once I learned that my feelings around that individual were showing up as anger because of undelivered communications, well then, that was something I could do something about. And that’s empowering stuff.

Anger Norms in Society

Although many of us are taught that anger isn’t an emotion that’s acceptable to express, society seems to often view those who rule with an iron fist as tempered, angry people. These “rulers” have the capability to control their anger with reason. It’s a persona, I believe, that is lived into. We aren’t born angry; quite the contrary. We’re born with the innate desire to love and be loved. It’s somehow anger that gets in the way of that ability; it clouds our judgment and causes us to say things we later regret and go against our desire, not intended to cause harm. And yes, the opposite is true; some have an intent to cause harm. Those who are filled with so much rage that it’s them versus the world, in their mind. These are people that can’t be reasoned with because reason itself has no place in their mind. I would ask, instead: “What happened to you that makes you angry?” 

Here’s a quote shared by blogger Dan Spira that I find interesting in talking about anger:

“..we sometimes praise those who are harsh-tempered as manly, and fitted to command. It is therefore not easy to pronounce on principle what degree and manner of error is blameworthy, since this is a matter of the particular circumstances, and judgement rests with the faculty of perception.  But thus much at all events is clear, that the middle disposition is praiseworthy, which leads us to be angry with the right people for the right things in the right manner and so on… ”

– Aristotle,  The Nicomachean Ethics, Book IV Chapter 5,
English Translation by H. Rackham (1926)

Furthermore, here’s an excerpt from Dan’s blog post (which I found by Googling: “What’s the opposite of anger?”):

Tame it [anger] too much, and it gets snuffed out completely into apathy or “spiritlessness.”  Most popular psychology and therapy are built around this Aristotelian concept of balanced, virtuous Anger (he called it “good temper“) and the idea of having a healthy, under-control release valve of emotional tension.

In other words, get angry; it’s a valid emotion; however, don’t allow yourself to get too carried away or “aroused” by it.

In the work that I do, I know it is often the “aroused” anger that prompts people to take action in their lives, too, finally. It’s this idea of being “sick and tired of being sick and tired” of one’s own crap.

Anger, Evil-doers, and the Energy of Anger

Our reaction to our own anger, and that of others, can be traced back to the beliefs about anger that we were raised to believe. I have this belief that those who do evil things must be angry people. And I have struggled for a long time with the notion that people are born evil. It’s probably why I’m fascinated by real-life murder stories/shows/podcasts. I have been trying to understand the part of society that harms others. What is it about the upbringing that made them (i.e., evil people) do horrible (sometimes unspeakable) things? Who were they before they did such evil things? What are the signs of such evil-doers? I suppose, too, and it really only occurred to me as I’m writing this now, having been a victim of someone who had the intent to harm; perhaps it’s my quest to better understand why, what happened to me, happened in the first place. I happen to know a lot about the history, and truthfully, it helps me look at the perpetrator with compassion. Granted, I say this after having done a lot of inner-work, too. Was I angry for a long time for what happened to me? Absolutely, I was. Given that those events also happened on the heels of my dad’s illness and subsequent death, and simultaneously when a lot of change was already happening in my life, I had a lot to be angry about.

I recognize anger (particularly hidden anger) in children quite easily, I believe, due to my experiences. And generally, my antenna of intuition, when I meet people, has become acutely attuned to the energy of others. This sensitivity to the energy of others used to be very taxing and draining until I learned to protect my own energy rather than taking everyone’s energy in as my own. However, it’s become a blessing. It’s as if I am a TSA agent armed with one of those metal detector wands. Rather than scanning for metal, I’m scanning the person’s energy where I can sense what they’re feeling without them saying a word. I get a vibe if the person feels like a “safe” person or something off about them. This is especially common, I believe, for those who grew up in chaotic, harmful, or dangerous environments. It’s a constant fight-or-flight of having to figure out who is safe and who isn’t, assessing the surroundings, and looking for danger.

What I am getting at, by sharing about the energetics of anger, is that it’s often palpable energy I pick up on. People’s choice of words, tone of voice, body language are all reflected by the state of one’s emotions. In a nutshell: all frequencies are equal to the issue at hand. This is true of every aspect of our body, whether emotional, physical, spiritual, or psychological. The energy (i.e., vibrational frequency) we give off in the world around us is also returned to us. It’s why it is so critical for those grieving to pay attention to their personal energy and that of others around them. An angry (in the moment) griever will bring a different frequency of energy versus a griever who is sad (in the moment). And, in grief, we can feel these and more in a span of moments. So, it’s really about elevating our personal energy – which is the sole responsibility, anyway. It’s not your responsibility to raise the vibrational frequency of the grievers around you no more than it’s their responsibility to raise yours.

I feel like I’ve taken the topic of anger down a deep rabbit hole. However, I think it’s important we look at the broader impact (and usefulness) of anger. We can be highly motivated to make something happen when we’re angry. And, if you think about it, when you’ve been angry, you’ve likely felt more compelled to move someone else to action rather than taking action yourself. Am I right? So, the better question here is: do you want to be a victim, or do you want to empower yourself? 

Anger & Grief

I also think it’s important to mention that not all grievers will experience anger. Yes, it is often a factor in our difficult relationships with less than loved ones. Yet, to presume that someone is angry because of a loss is incorrect. For example, if you had a lovely relationship with someone who died, they lived a long, full life but became ill and died. You may feel relief that it wasn’t a long, drawn-out illness where your loved one suffered. Furthermore, if you had recently seen your loved one and shared all that you wanted to share, expressed your love and appreciation for them, and said goodbye, anger would likely not play a role in that scenario. However, had the relationship or scenario been different, if they were less than loving, or you couldn’t see them before they passed away, you may experience anger in this situation. In summary, do not believe that anger is an automatic part of unresolved grief.

In today’s blog post, you’ve learned:

the physical ques of anger

what anger is revealing to us

my personal perspective of anger and evil-doers

the role anger plays in our lives

about the energy of anger

why to never assume a griever is angry over a loss

I hope this has offered a perspective on anger you hadn’t considered and that you found it educational. Anger is a broad topic, with many more rabbit hole opportunities to dig into more deeply.

In summary, anger is a valid emotion and is a clue that something isn’t sitting well with our spirit. Rather than let the anger set you on a disempowering and dangerous path, perhaps a better approach is to sit with the anger. Look at it for what it’s revealing to you and ask yourself what you need to do at that moment; that would help release it in a helpful way. This makes me think of scenarios on playgrounds that play out time and time again. There’s the bully and the bullied. And, often (more often than not), it’s both – the bully is often bullied. And, even if the child isn’t bullied in school, what is happening at home? Where the child feels powerless, unheard, or maybe even worse – disregarded or unseen? I must say, if that were you as an adult, you’d be angry, too, wouldn’t you? And, my friend, it bears repeating: adulthood is childhood reenactments. I’m not saying every child who is bullied as a child becomes a bullying adult. But, I would argue that 9 out of 10 times, that adult has unaddressed childhood anger showing up in their life in other ways. Because, at its root, anger is sadness that will always find a way to express itself; somehow, in some way, at some point in time – even if it’s 20 years from now. That’s the sneakiness of anger – and grief.

Sending you love + light. 💛