Ep 147 Q&A | The Grief of a Midlife Crisis

Q&A | The Grief of a Midlife Crisis

 

SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:

Did you know that the term “midlife crisis” was coined by Elliot Jacques, a psychoanalyst who came up with the term in 1965 after noticing significant changes in one of his middle-aged clients?

A lot has changed since 1965; the way we eat, how we eat, what we drive, societal views about marriage and children, etc. It’s as if Mr. Jacques saw the writing on the wall back then. Fast-forward fifty-eight years, and the “midlife crisis” has become, in some respects, a societal joke. Hit forty, and you might have an affair, buy a sports car, or make some other radical, life-altering change due to aging panic…or is it due to something else?

In this episode, I explore the idea of a midlife crisis, or rather, a midlife unraveling, and the accompanying grief. Which comes first? Grief or the midlife unraveling?

I believe that we all experience a midlife crisis to some degree. The question is: what do you do about it? Well, you’ll find that there’s more to a midlife crisis than meets the eye.

Listen, reflect, and connect with me on social media – I’d love to continue this conversation!

🎙 Do you have a question you would like addressed on the podcast? Message me on social media or email me at victoria [at] theunleashedheart [dot] com with “Grieving Voices Q&A” in the subject line.

RESOURCES:

_______

NEED HELP?

  • National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
  • Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor

If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.

Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.

CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:

 

Victoria Volk: Hello. Hello. Good morning, good afternoon, or good evening, no matter what time you’re listening. Thank you for being here. And tuning in to grieving voices. I am your host, Victoria Volk. And today’s episode is number 147 and it’s a Q&A episode talking about a topic that I think hits a lot of people. And it’s the grief of a midlife crisis. This topic came up, I believe it was during a podcast interview I was guesting on. And I want to bring up a article that I came across and I’ll put the link to it in the show notes. It was on HealthLine. And I’m just gonna I mean really this article kind of talks about midlife crisis as as we age. As being like this issue that you have when you’re aging. And there’s a part in here that says a period of soul searching is relatively common but only about 10 to 20 percent of people actually face some kind of crisis in middle age. Experts mostly consider the midlife crisis, in air quotes, a cultural phenomenon, a western myth fueled by tired media tropes. I don’t know about you but I think I personally believe that we all experience a mid life crisis or a midlife unraveling, whatever you want to call it, to some degree in our lives at some point. Their phase in our lives.

Victoria Volk: And so let’s define a midlife crisis. Typically, it is around ages forty and sixty with ten years of wiggle room according to this article. New roles and responsibilities not to mention changes in your career, family life, and health can create a perception of middle age before you reach the momentous, big four or birthday. Maybe you’ve had children at a young age, so you’re still in your thirties, when they leave home or perhaps early success prompts you to retire early, leaving you financially secure but somewhat dissatisfied at loose ends. In short, midlife can begin at a different point for everyone.

Victoria Volk: And actually the term midlife was developed by Elliott Jaques, a psychoanalyst who came up with the term in 1965 after noticing significant changes in one of his middle aged clients. According to Jacques, this crisis prompts feelings of depression, anguish, and loss related to the approaching end of life. He also noted that it often involved a loss of creativity and confidence along with the first inklings of mortality, the transition of middle age is often suggested to involve other emotional turmoil. Such as declining happiness and life satisfaction, aimlessness or loss of life purpose, self-doubt, frustration with changing life roles and responsibilities, boredom and dissatisfaction with your relationship career or life in general, concerns about your appearance and how others perceive you, thoughts about death, the meaning of life, and other existential, that’s a hard word to say. Existential concepts, changes in energy levels from increased restlessness to unusual fatigue, less motivation or interest in pursuing goals and activities you use to enjoy. Mood changes, including anger, irritability, and sadness, and changes in sexual desire.

Victoria Volk: Well, I don’t know about you, but I think all of us experience some of this to some degree. So the fact that experts air quotes believe that this is that a midlife crisis is a cultural phenomenon and a western myth ought to wake up and smell the coffee because why do we see people resorting to behaviors to feel better if they were so satisfied with their lives. If they did not feel self-doubt, if they didn’t lack purpose, if they didn’t have thoughts of death in the meaning of life and purpose, or if they’re bored, not dissatisfied with the relationship career life in general. Like, are these surprising reasons? Like, are we surprised that most people that we know, maybe even new or ourselves, like, I know I have experience this sense of a midlife crisis or midlife unraveling, which I like to call it. Because I think, especially like turning 40. It is like this midphase. Like, you’re you’re looking to the past you’re thinking you’re reflecting on the past, you’re thinking about all the life that came before you, all the experiences, maybe there’s been a lot of hurt and a lot of pain and a lot of sorrow and grief and loss. And you’re thinking ahead, well, what do I have to look forward to? What do I want my last however many years to look? What do I want to produce in the world? How do I wanna show up for myself or my loved ones or my family and friends? What legacy do I want to leave? Like, it’s overwhelming when we think about having maybe thirty years left to live or twenty years left to live in the fact is that we don’t know how many years we have left to live.

Victoria Volk: And so especially as we get into the 40s, what happens when we start to get into the 40s? We’re almost we become like this sandwich generation. We’re still raising kids and yet we have aging parents, so we’re taking care of the young and the old. We’re having to transition from being the child, to being the caregiver and the caretaker, and the responsible one for the care of our parent, an aging parent maybe. We’re having to make big decisions, big changes possibly in our lives. This is a huge transitional period. And for anyone that says that the midlife crisis is a myth I do wholeheartedly wholeheartedly wholeheartedly absolutely disagree. I think it’s something that we need to talk about more. I think it’s something that we need to less stigmatized as being something that this period of time, or you have an affair, or you spend all your money, or you buy the race car or the fancy car or you go have liposuction or BOTOX and it’s not just an aging. It’s not just about aging. Yes, that has a lot to do with that, I think. But at the same time, like, what is the bigger picture? What has happened to you in your past that makes you reflect and bring into your future. Like, what has happened in the past that you’re bringing into your present moment that you will take into your future. That is affecting you right now.

Victoria Volk: Because I guarantee you you’ve had experiences in the past that are coming up again, especially if you have become the caregiver to your parent. I can bring up a lot for someone. It can be a very difficult position to be in. When maybe it was a less than loving relationship. Maybe you’re struggling with your child. Maybe your child is struggling. So your relationship is struggling. Maybe your marriage is struggling. Like, there’s so many things. This is the period too where you know, the friendships might change. As your kids get older and maybe move off to college and things, like the things that connected you with your friend group, the children. Right? You connected with these people because of your kids and now your kids are gone or now your kids are older and leave the house and go to college and what have you, those friendships can change. You can lose friendships because now there is not that commonality, that common ground that brought you together in the first place.

Victoria Volk: And so it’s a really huge time of transition. And in all of these signs and symptoms of a midlife crisis that I mentioned earlier, decline in happiness, self-doubt, frustration with changing life roles, responsibilities, mood changes, changes in sexual desire, etcetera, etcetera. It is par for the course. Like, these are things that we will experience in our lives, all of us, no matter what your gender is or how you identify or what have you. Like, we all go through these things. Not all of them may be necessarily, but many of them. Right? Like, we can have boredom and dissatisfaction with a relationship career or life in general because maybe we’re looking back and the things that we used to love to do we haven’t had the time or made the time because maybe we are that sandwich generation of now caring for small children or getting children that are growing and a parent at the same time. So it’s we’re put in these different roles as we get older and our roles change. And with change, can comes grief. Because grief is a change in familiar pattern of behavior. And so during this huge time of change, in midlife, we’re going to experience grief. No doubt about it.

Victoria Volk: They say that this that happiness is a you. Research has found some evidence this article says to suggest that happiness or general satisfaction with life takes the shape of a you. It begins to decline by early adulthood, eventually reaching its lowest point in the mid to late 40s. But then it begins to rise once more. This finding is pretty much universal. It holds true for people in a hundred and thirty two countries around the world independent of any outside factors that might affect life satisfaction and happiness. Experts don’t yet understand why this dip happens, but some believe it could represent an evolutionary stage. In any case, it may help explain some of the distress you experience in midlife. And offers some reassurance that these feelings aren’t permanent.

Victoria Volk: I would agree with that too. They don’t have to be permanent. But I think that a lot of these things that people experience self-doubt, aimlessness or a loss of life purpose or declined in happiness or life satisfaction. These things can take root. They can take hold and they can impact the remaining years of your life. If you allow it because I think too, coming back to reflecting on the first half of your life, maybe a lot of loss and grief. And all these things can resurface with life experience and midlife. Again, with aging parents, it can bring up a lot of stuff. Even having kids can bring up a lot of stuff, especially getting when they get into the teenagers, kids bring up all of our insecurities. Maybe you’re venturing into entrepreneurship and that can bring up a lot of insecurities and things from your past, belief systems. Again, I’m going to say that I believe all of us experience a midlife unraveling to some degree or another. And I do believe that it can be something that can help you evolve and grow if you’re willing to embrace the change. Embrace the transition because it really is a phase of transition and transformation. It can be. And it can really knock you on your ass at the same time.

Victoria Volk: This article goes on to say, well, how long does it last? Well, there’s no set timeline for supposed midlife crisis. There’s no timeline for grief either is there. Everyone experiences it differently, processes it, differently. But at the same time, everyone has different stressors. Everyone is experiencing a different trigger, I guess in their lives that catapults them into this midlife unraveling. And So I think everyone’s situation is very unique to them. But again, I will say that how you respond to that midlife unraveling, definitely I think plays a role in how quickly you rebound from it as well. And that’s the same for loss. If you’ve experienced a lot of loss in your life and you’ve never really looked at it and never allowed yourself to feel everything that you’ve experienced, processed it emotionally and with your body, you’re probably holding on to some junk. In there, and it’s probably manifesting as some physical symptoms, fibromyalgia, or hypertension, or migraines, things like that.

Victoria Volk: But a midlife unraveling can also lead you to behaviors that kind of exasperate those things that are already existing. Those behaviors that you already are participating in, a midlife unraveling can exasperate that. You can, like, go deeper into the alcohol. You can dive deeper into prescription drugs or promiscuous behavior or risk ski behavior or gambling or shopping, it comes back to the grief. Again, the grief of a midlife crisis, the grief of a midlife unraveling. It’s all tied together. And so, like this article says, how do you handle it? Well, how do you handle grief? Right? You gotta acknowledge it and acknowledge your feelings. I like how this article says to remember that your life is expanding and not shrinking. And I think it can be really easy to look at our age or if we’re looking at a midlife crisis as an age-related issue, which I don’t necessarily fully believe it is. I think we can have a midlife unraveling kind of at any point. I mean, you can be 30 years old and have had a really traumatic life up to that point where it feels like you’ve lived five lifetimes. Where you’ve experienced more in your life than most people experience in a lifetime. And so I think it is unique to you. I don’t know that I don’t fully believe that it has to be that it would be in your 40s necessarily. But again, it comes back to that societal just how society looks at midlife and the midlife crisis and the getting the fancy the midlife crisis car or things like that. But I like how this article says how you recognize that your life is expanding and not shrinking. And I think that’s where gratitude comes in. It’s really looking at the past for what it is and looking ahead with hope. And not like that with this idea or this belief that the best years are behind you.

Victoria Volk: And it reminds me of a guest who said Quandell. He was a recent where are they now episode and he had shared. What if everybody lived their lives as if the best years are yet to come? And I think that’s where this whole idea of when we think about the midlife crisis or midlife unraveling is thinking about our lives in that way, that the best years are yet to come. It’s not in the past, it’s and not necessarily the past was may be good to you either, you know. So I think it’s giving gratitude for the lessons of the past. And looking ahead to the future of asking yourself those big questions, the deeper questions, getting more curious about what you want your life to be like at the end of life. There’s an opportunity there to expand rather than look at your life as if it’s shrinking.

Victoria Volk: And I think this is where too as the article shares, to take stock of your relationships, how important relationships are, friendships are. I’m gonna mention in this episode again, I’ve ahead and episode. My guest shared this and I’m gonna share it again about the four people to have in your corner. This refers to women women friendships, but men can apply this to their lives as well. But you always want that wise person. You want the wise friend. You want the emotional support who only listens. And you want the go-getter. And four, you want the late-night talker. So those are the four types of friends or four people to have in your corner. The wise person, emotional support, the go-getter, and the late-night talker. And I think that’s an important aspect to have in relationships as a part of your life especially when you’re going through a challenging time such as grief or loss or midlife unraveling, right, which can be triggered by many many number of different things. And the importance of your taking care of your mental health. And I think if we’re addressing the relationships and we’re addressing gratitude in looking at our past with thanks and appreciation for what it was and what it gave us. And what we experienced and looking ahead to the future with opportunity, with opportunistic eyes and potential, seeing the potential that we yet have to bring joy and light and love into the world. I think the mental health will follow suit. I think that life becomes more like. So be the light, be the love, and you’ll get more of that in return. And maybe that’s the cure for a midlife unraveling is making those things a priority. And seeking support wherever you need it.

Victoria Volk: And I’m gonna have an episode coming up or I’m gonna talk about more about life satisfaction as it relates to grief. I’m finishing up with a Do Grief Differently client and we had our second to last session recently, and she was sharing all of these amazing basically testimonials of what she’s experienced the past eleven sessions with me and through the program itself and the importance of having Youmap as a part of the program. It’s not just about working through your grief. It’s looking ahead to the future, which she does now, which she does now. And it’s such an important topic to talk about because what I do, it’s not talk therapy. It’s taking action. And action is where it’s at. Action is where transformation happens. And so I’m gonna be talking about that in a future episode coming up real soon.

Victoria Volk: And in the meantime, I want to leave you with something that I’ve never brought to the podcast before or shared, but I kinda like Oracle cards. And I don’t read them, you know, like, it’s not a session I offer. Like, I don’t, like, pull a card for people as an offering or anything like that. But when you work with me, it is something that if I feel called to, I will ask if you know, at the end of a session, energy healing session or end of a, you know, Grief Recovery, Do Grief Differently session. I’ll ask if the client wants me to pull a card. And generally speaking, I don’t choose the deck that I pulled the card from. I let my pendulum decide. But today, just for funsies, I decided to pull a card for you, my audience, and it’s from postcards, from Spirit. It’s a 52 Card Oracle Deck by Colette Baron-Reid. She’s the bestselling author of the map and Uncharted. I have not read the books, but I absolutely love this Oracle deck. And so I’m gonna read this card. I’m gonna leave this with you today because this is it’s absolutely perfect for what I’ve just shared, which I pulled the card, and then I recorded, so this is interesting. But perfect for the topic today.

Victoria Volk: And the card is reads. Dear you, There are times in life when taking a risk is better left for another day. Other times are perfect for taking that leap. No matter how dangerous it might seem. Well, hold on to your parachute strings for today is leap time. Realize that no matter what, we will not let you fall, drown, get lost, or hurt yourself in any way on this one. Even if it may feel like you are in a free fall, we are here for you, and you can stop freaking out about getting hurt and relax into this transition to something new. All the elements are in place and your soul is ready for a new experience. No matter what you’re asking about, it’s time to take the risk and do that thing that scares you. No matter what happens, you will land softly right on target. Don’t worry about the outcome. Spirits got that covered. It’s taking the leap itself. That’s the point. We love your courage, embrace it.

Victoria Volk: And thank you so much for listening to today’s episode. If you loved it, I would love to hear about it. And if you would like more cards, shared with you at the end of these episodes. Let me know. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.

Ep:146 Jordan Brodie: Where Are They Now? | Redefining Success & Grief with Best Friend and Brother Loss

Jordan Brodie: Where Are They Now? | Redefining Success & Grief with Best Friend and Brother Loss

 

SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:

This “Where Are They Now?” episode with Jordan is a follow-up to the first conversation we recorded on 01/19/2021.  Jordan’s first episode went live as episode 44 on 4/27/2021. You may want to check out that episode first, then come back to this follow-up episode.

In this follow-up episode, Jordan shares about the devastating loss of his older brother to a fentanyl overdose only a week after we recorded his first episode. In the time since, Jordan has been able to maintain his sobriety. However, in this episode, he goes into more depth on the impact the loss of his best friend, followed by the loss of his brother, had on him – and his sobriety.

Sobriety aside, Jordan also shares how his spiritual beliefs have been shaped by the loss of his best friend, Chase, and his older brother, Josh. And what he looks forward to in the future. Jordan is currently traveling Europe after living in Los Angeles for 11 years. He shares how leaving the glitz, glam, and city life has offered him the opportunity and experience of a lifetime. And maybe, for the first time, the time and space to discover how he wishes to define what success means to him moving forward.

RESOURCES:


CONNECT:

_______

NEED HELP?

  • National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
  • Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor

If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.

Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.

CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:

Victoria Volk: Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. Today is a Where Are They Now episode. And it is a follow-up with a guest who I originally spoke to on January 19th, 2021, Jordan Brodie. And his episode went live on April 27th, 2021. It is episode 44. And it is titled Growing Up Gay, CODA, and with Addiction. And so if you haven’t listened to that episode you might wanna check that one out first and then come back to this one but I am so excited to catch up with Brodie. There has been a lot going on in his life since then. And also, actually, the week after we spoke, his brother had died of an overdose. And so that is where we will start today. But first of all, Jordan, thank you so much for being here. And you’re all the way over in France. So thank you so much for joining me from France. And I love the idea of following up with people after a couple years and because if I’m wondering how you’ve been, what’s what you’ve been up to, what’s changed in your life, I’m sure other people are too, And so thank you so much for taking the time to catch us all up.

Jordan Brodie: That’s so nice. You’re welcome. Thank you. Victoria, and so grateful to be back here today. So much has happened since Chase Guy. And even after that podcast, we recorded eight days after my older brother died. And, God, I think speaking with you, and, like, having been prepared from losing my best friend. It really helps me, I think, because Joshua’s death, my older brother was even more difficult for me emotionally. And Chase is definitely very difficult. I think, kind of, like, having this platform to tell my story I think it really helped my grieving process. And I just wanna thank you because it really did help me to talk about it right away. It really did. I don’t I think I really think I breathed well, and I’m still grieving. Chase and Josh and another’s losses in my life. Like, it’s a continuous thing, I think society prepares us to get things. Like, we’re in a consumer capitalistic society where we’re, you know, get get get we want this, we want that, we want new things, we want a new dog, a new puppy, a new bike, a new car, a new house, a new boyfriend, a new girlfriend. We always want new things. We gotta get that new iPhone every year. Our society doesn’t teach people how to lose things in a proper and healthy way. And you know, when some when you lose something, a lot of times people are like, oh, well, don’t worry. You can get another one. And that really invalidates the emotions. I’ve learned it’s not good to say that to people don’t say, oh, well, you can get a new cat, you can get a new dog. It invalidates the emotions. And also, I don’t like even people offer me, like, tissues or phoenix when I’m crying. Like, I don’t like being blocked. I want to just let it flow because I think it’s healthy. We have such a shame around crying and and losing things. But it’s a part of life. It’s inevitable getting on here here with you. It was about two years ago really helped me, like, with my grieving process because if I keep things bottled in, I go crazy. I really do, and I need to talk about what’s going on with me. And everyone does, not just on a podcast. We don’t just need to be on a podcast to talk to people who can talk to our friends, our family, our therapists, but I think it’s important to talk to someone and He really helped me, so thank you.

Victoria Volk: Thank you so much for sharing that because I really had no idea. I mean, I know we had kinda just talked over social media a little bit after I had heard that your brother had passed, but I had no idea. Those are the very things that we talk about in the program Do Grief Differently. Like, you know, when I try and educate people, like, don’t hand a tissue, you know, that stops someone from crying and so just the fact that you’ve re you remembered those things and that you found them helpful and you’re probably actually helping other people too and educate dating other people along the way in the past two years just based on what you’ve learned in our first conversation.

Jordan Brodie: Yeah, I really hope so. I really hope to be just a light inspiration by being vulnerable on social media, on the Internet, on YouTube, in public with people just being open and honest and authentic. I really hope it helps others, and I know it helps others. I’ve had people say, they look up to me. I do know I have people that looked up to me and I’m really grateful for that. It used to make me feel uncomfortable, but I’ve worked through my impostor syndrome and I think everyone, not just me, everyone can help anyone with their story. We all have a story to tell. You, Victoria, have a story to tell. All the listeners on here have a story to tell, and it’s important and it’s valid. And it doesn’t matter if you’re just a grocery store clerk or you’re just a farm Boy or you just you’re just a high schooler with no extracurricular activities or you are the football player or whatever you are, you have a story. Everyone has a story. It doesn’t matter who it is. You don’t have to be a royalty, a rich person, born into a rich family, a celebrity. It’s not just the celebrities that have stories to tell. It’s the little Joe’s and Bob’s and Dina’s and Susie’s in the middle of America, in the middle of Europe and then in middle of France. Everyone has a story and I love your podcast because you do interview everyone. It’s not just celebrities, it’s not just these people, it’s normal average job people dealing with free and everyone deals with Green in their life and it’s something we need to talk about. I don’t think any topic should be taboo. In this world because we’re all human. We all go through the same feelings and emotions and desires maybe different ways. But why should any topic be taboo or shameful when everyone is experiencing that?

Victoria Volk: In church recently, the priest had shared, we should not hide our wounds. When we hide our wounds and we don’t talk about our wounds, they kill us.

Jordan Brodie: Yeah.

Victoria Volk: And that speaks to what you’ve just been sharing.

Jordan Brodie: It’s very, very true. So since Josh and Chase died, by the way, Joshua’s death very difficult, and he actually died from the same death as Chase, a similar death. It was a fentanyl overdose. I don’t know the exact details about Chase, and I don’t even really know the exact details about Josh, but I know that he had COVID and had been isolated for two weeks, and then relapsed and it was an overdose on fentanyl. I did similar thing with Chase with Chase. I was like, how can I give service to his mother, like and being of service throughout Chase’s death process, like, after he died and asking his mother, like, how can I help? Like, I love Chase so much. Like, how can I help? She asked for help putting together his because it was during COVID, his Zoom memorial service for friends and family because COVID, we could she couldn’t have a big open funeral. It was only close family members, no friends. So I did that. I put together, I found a pastor, to run the services. And I got the made invitations. I invited a bunch of people. Like, It is really hard to do, but it helps me stay focused and help me stay safe. I had some friends donate money to pay the pastor because he was on Zoom and he was a friend from the Unitarian University of Church. We did this service. It was a beautiful service. I think I sing and my other friend saying and read a poem and it was very beautiful. Chase would have loved it because Chase was an artist, he was an actor, he was a performer, I still think about him. He’s still a superhero to me. He was obsessed with SpiderMan. When the new SpiderMan movie, came out. It was on I think it was on Joshua’s birthday. Josh’s birthday was February 18th, and he died from January 27th. It was somewhere around his birthday that the new SpiderMan movie came out and Chase was obsessed with SpiderMan. Chase where he had all these furnishings with him. It was kinda silly. It was like an adult child that became this part of that. But I would just the message of that SpiderMan movie. I don’t know if you saw it. Let’s just see the new SpiderMan. It was I don’t wanna ruin too much of the story for but for those who saw it that are listening, there was a message of forgiveness to those who have done you wrong. Because it’s a long story, but I don’t wanna ruin the plot, but there was a character in the movie who hurt SpiderMan. And SpiderMan had a choice to be to he had a choice to make. And he would have done something wrong if he wouldn’t have chosen to forgive And the thing about Chase and Josh is they go back from a fentanyl addiction, which drug dealers are lacing drugs of fentanyl. So I was angry. Like, at drug dealers, when Chase moved to LA, he was a very handsome he was very handsome and fellow people all the actor agents said he looked like the next action cooker. Sorry, handsome. And everyone just so many old guys came around promising him fame and fortune and I’ll be your agent. A lot of them just fed him drugs and got him high and took advantage of him. Like, it’s true. And it happens to so many people that move to LA. So many people I’ve seen it happen. I’ve been I was in LA for eleven years, and I saw so many people get chewed up and spit out And I’m so sad that she’s happened to be one of them. I luckily kind of avoided that. I avoided the drug part because I already got it up that out of my system in high school, but Chase fell into that. All these old gross men I was always so I was so protective of Chase. I mean, I knew him since I was eight years old. And I had a big crush on him. I didn’t realize that he was kind of my high school crush, but he only liked older thighs and I wasn’t necessarily as type. And I think we were both kind of afraid of each other in that way. I’m afraid of intimacy and being hurt and I was afraid to be honest with him about how a truly felt for him, and that was one of my biggest regrets. When she died. I was always so angry with Chase. I was like, Chase, why are you hanging out with this guy? You just want to fuck you. You just want systems like, oh, yeah. That he helps me with my scripts when I have auditioned. And I was like, I can help you with this script. Someone else can, but this guy is not confused. There were so many of these to be fair, like, one of these guys that I’m talking talking about, I don’t wanna say his name. He like, two years ago. He’s a really fit a popular agent in LA. And he literally got me tuned and canceled, and that he actually died from cancer, like, a few months ago, this guy in particular. And I was always like, Chase, why are you hanging out with this guy? Like, he’s not promising you anything. He’s just using you. He’s getting you high. He’s leading you on. And, you know, this is good. To share because I heard of the superficiality of LA. I’m tired of seeing it. It was so heartbreaking to me. And all these influencers, all these people are coming every day, every year, and falling from this trap. And so many people get caught into drug addiction. Think about the amount of famous people you know with drug problems that, like, goes spiraling down. For every famous person, there’s probably like ten thousand not famous people who never make it, who die from an overdose in LA because they get stuck in that whole trap. It’s really dark. And messed up. And I think people should know, like, when they move to LA to have boundaries and not lose their backbone, like, keep your morals and your standards or you will get lost. Like, I got lost. Thank god. I got back on track. Chase actually helped me get back on track. He was my eskymo of I went to anonymous twelve step programs at first to support Chase. And then I stuck with it. And now, yeah, I have six years sober. I’ll have seven years on January thirteenth. So help me God. But

Victoria Volk: Congratulations.

Jordan Brodie: Thank you. It’s just really heartbreaking and I’m tired of seeing people just fall into this superficial chase of fame and fortune. I have different dreams now. I still want I still desire to be famous for my music and well-known or successful and be paid from my art and my music. Fame represents success for me as an artist. But I don’t it’s not if I’m making a living as an artist or even if I am still making art, but I have all my needs met, like I have a home, a place to live, food to eat, As long as I’m doing music recording, I don’t care if a thousand people are listening or not. I just want to have a place to sleep some food to eat and be doing music. And I realize I don’t like big cities. I feel anxious in big cities. So I’m actually traveling Europe right now. I’ve been in Europe almost for two and a half months doing work away. I’m traveling right now around the world. I’m gonna probably be doing this for, like, a year or two. Until I figure out where I wanna live. Getting European citizenship to my grandmother. She’s born in Estonia. It’s not guaranteed, but we’re starting the process to apply for my citizenship. And, yeah, I love Europe. I’m loving it. And I feel like Chase and Josh are with me and but, yeah, for everyone that’s planning on moving to LA or New York, any big city. It doesn’t matter. Paris, Berlin, Barcelona, London. All these major cities have huge drug problems. So it’s really important to stick with your morals and ethics and your backbones. Like, wherever you’re going, think about find a role model from your childhood, like, maybe it’s a grandpa, like, or someone that you really admire that has good qualities of integrity and service and love. They don’t have to be perfect. My grandpa and some of my role models are not perfect. They have mistakes. They’ve had flaws. But I admire their good qualities, and I aspire to be like them finding role models in my recovery has been what’s helped me. And I think going back to the SpiderMan thing, that’s what Chase’s well one of his role models was SpiderMan because he was he’s such a positive hero. Like, I think he’s such a great world model. And when I watched that movie, God, I’d boggled so hard in the theater. But Like I said, the moral of that story was forgiveness to those who have done you wrong and hurt you. If you watch it, you will know what I mean. You will see this message. It’s pretty clear. And it’s exactly like, I was so mad about Chase, like, I blamed basically any old gay guy. This sounds really brief is a seductive kind of messed up it can put some messed up voices in your head, like my ego. And any, like, older gay guy, I was just angry at. I was, like, everyone’s a predator. I hate all of you guys. Like, just so many people I was so mad at, and I was blaming all these people and it was really hard. I was so angry at everyone. I was just angry at the world, like, for just being not understanding of my friend and not respecting his humanity because he was a very handsome person and just so many people, like, threw themselves at him and try to take advantage of him and I was just, like, always there on this side, like, supporting him with my love, and I was, of course, hoping one day. Well, no. I appreciate him as a friend and I was content with their friendship, but I really was and love on him. Looking back at it, I was very much in love with him. Like, I was too disassociated for my own addictions. To know that it was, like, what I was for. Like, he was always when I went in high school, I had a big crush on him, I had a huge crush on him. He’s so charismatic. He’s so funny. He’s so handsome. And I had a big crush on him. And then I always did, and he knew it. Like, he liked older guys.

Victoria Volk: How do you honor his life today?

Jordan Brodie: As I’m traveling, going to things like that SpiderMan movie is very helpful. I got to see Demi Lovato perform at Avida, like, the week before I left for Europe. And Chase was the biggest Demi Lovato fan. Like, I wasn’t that I love Demi, but, like, I’m not, like, I’m not obsessed. Like, she’s not my diva. I love her. I love her music. I’m obsessed. That like, I do love her. Okay? But Chase was obsessed. Like, the biggest demi lovato fan. So I felt like he was there with me and, like, he was so happy and like, I just felt him there. And then I just feel his energy a lot, and I talked sometimes I’ll reach out to his mother, see how she’s doing. We talked on social media a lot, and she’s just really supportive of me. And I know she still misses him a lot. And Chase was very, like, he was, like, very risk-taking, very adventurous. It’s on my list of things to do to go skydiving with some of his friends, like, in Chase’s memory because Chase was such a risk-taker. So I wanna get some of his friends and I wanna go skydiving because I am so scared of how it’s and like, Yolo and his memory. Like, I wanna jump for him and, like and then I and then I worked my program my recovery programs and my sobriety honors him. Like, I feel like when he died, I don’t know if I talked about this in the podcast, but I I didn’t handle it the best when it came to my recovery in some of my behaviors because I still, like, I acted out like, sexually, like, to, like, cope with the emotions I was experiencing. And like, because I’m an addict, but I’m not just, like, a drug addict, an alcoholic. Like, I also struggle with sex addiction, and love addiction and emotional anorexia. When Chase died, I just I kinda I relapsed. I really did. I don’t I didn’t talk about this. When we did the interview, but I did relapse, like, when he died. And it took me, like, a week or two, like, get back on track, and that was really hard. Like but when Josh died, I think since that had already happened, I didn’t relapse when Josh died. I was ready. I was prepared. And so that was really hard. And my sex and love addiction is still very difficult. I do still get really lonely. And I have a lot of pain, like, anxiety, emotional pain, and I think it’s good not to latch onto someone when you’re grieving or you’re sad, but it wasn’t ready for that. Like, no one prepares you to lose your best friend or, like, to lose your older brother, like, I had never experienced any significant loss like that in my life. It was the first. So I was not ready for that at all. At all. Like, I wasn’t that close with my grandpa. When he died, I was, like, it wasn’t that big of a deal for me. I mean, he’s a grandpa. He’s older. You know? It’s part of life. And he was kinda angry towards the end of his life. So I was kind of relieved for him because he had cancer and he was in a lot of pain. It wasn’t very nice to me. My little brother’s, and I didn’t, like, carry through to my little brother’s. So when he passed, I was a little bit relieved for his pain because I knew he was in a better place. He was in so much pain. Presented his life. And I don’t know. But Chase, like, I thought he was doing good. Like, he had just gotten six months sober. And Yeah. I still really miss him a lot. And honestly, like, I was really delusional about their dads like, I don’t know, like, last January. I was this January, I was, like, oh my gosh. It’s almost been a year. I was texting my stepmom. I was like, it’s almost been a year since Josh died. And she was like, Jordan, it’s been two years. Like, that’s how, like, disassociated I’ve been when it comes to my brother and she it’s, like, I was still in denial about his death for a really long time. Like and I’m still a little bit in denial. About it. Like, I really am. Like, I delusionally, I’m a fantasy addict, so I live in fantasy. I live in my head a lot. And I escape into these fantasies of being all these different characters. It’s something that I do. It’s kinda crazy, but it’s normal for artists. Like, I guess, a lot of us do this, you know. Like, Nicki Minaj has her personal. Awesome. I have mine. I’m just not as vocal about it. It’s all in my head, but I escape into fantasies of them still being here. Like a lot of the times, which I don’t think is very healthy. No one prepared me for this. Like, having this platform being able to talk to you also, my recovery community, I do gratitude list every morning. Doing that gratitude every morning when Josh was when after Josh died and after Chase died, really helped me keep, like, a glimmer of light and hope as that dark period went. And I don’t wanna say, but my sponsor in one of my recovery programs was, like, one of the first people I called when I found out Josh Knight. And he was the first person I called. And he, like, helps me, like and so many people helped me. And, you know, it’s really important to know that shit’s gonna happen in life. People are gonna die. And there’s gonna be people there for you. Like, no matter what, like, and it’s important to let them help you. My best friends all kind of, like, kidnapped me too, like, when they found out Chase and Josh die. They kind of just, like, kidnapped me and, like, took me. Like, and, like, I stayed with them in Orange County. For a few days. Unless all my friends came around me, I’m so lucky. I have really good friends. And Yeah. But it’s really hard. Gosh. I was not expecting to cry like this. I guess because, like, doing work away, so I’m how I’m doing Europe is I am doing work away, so it’s an exchange. I’m here at this house that’s on a farm in Normandy, France. And ex and the guy who owns it’s a single gay guy. And in exchange for a house, to stay and food to eat. I help him twenty hours a week with whatever he wants. Like, I help to make a costume, like a gay he has some of that this weekend, so I may help them make a gay alien custom. And I helped him. We’ve I’ve they have been weeding. I help cook. I help with this animals, like, clean up donkey poo. Each job is different. I was in Switzerland before this for three weeks, and that was I was, like, an assistant to the housewife. I was, like, picking up the kids from school tutoring, and the first one was similar to this. So but these last three days, it’s really scary. Out of my element, these last three days have been hard for my sex and love and mix gen, I guess. Like so I think that might be why I’m crying a little bit because I just didn’t reminded how difficult it was, and I really I relapsed when Chase died. And I know it’s pretty common. A lot of people relapse in recovery programs when a loved one dies. Or they break this is why it suggested not to get in a relationship the first year of recovery. It’s not a requirement. It’s a suggestion because it cannot get iteration or end up get out because significant changes in our emotions. We use drugs in alcohol effects, our addictive patterns to numb our pain and our sadness. So if we shift things and we experience big changes, the chances as of us relapsing before we have the right tools are higher. So Yeah.

Victoria Volk: May I ask

Jordan Brodie: Yeah.

Victoria Volk: May I ask if so how long have you been doing work away? When did you leave the US?

Jordan Brodie: Oh, the end of March. So March, like, 29th, and I started my first position, like, April second.

Victoria Volk: Do you feel as though I mean, because It’s one thing to, like, leave your home country for a couple weeks and knowing you’re coming back and knowing when you’re coming back. But in doing work away and having the intention that you’re gonna do it at least a year, maybe even two years, and being away from you know, it’s one thing to, you know, we have the devices. We can stay connected in that way. But to not physically be in proximity to those we love and our family and our friends and things like that. I’m just asking, do you feel like potentially a part of this resurfacing for you is just the fact that you are away from your home. You are you’re I mean, this is a huge change. If you think about it, I mean, this is a huge change. You’re you’re plopping yourself in

Jordan Brodie: That’s a good question. That’s a good question. And I think that might be some of it. But the thing is I don’t feel like I actually miss anyone. It’s kinda weird. Like, I miss people. I would love to see my friends, my family, like, if they showed up or if I went and visited them, I would be elated. I’d be so happy and excited to see them. But I don’t feel like a yearning for them. I might go, it’d be nice to see them. I feel like I don’t I’m just having so much fun. Like, it’s so exciting for me. I’ve never been to Europe. So I’m so excited. I’m so inspired. And also, I’ve been in LA for eleven years, and my mother lives in Montana. All my loved ones live in New Mexico and Montana. And then I have friend all over the country and the world that I grew up with, so I’m always missing someone. Like, at what I have a really big family and they live all over. Like, I’m always missing someone. I’m used to this feeling because I’m kinda spread out a little bit thin. It’s, like, the perks of having a lot of people you love in your life. Like, I have a big family a lot of friends. I have a big community around me of people in real life. It’s not just social media, like most of my friends and family and loved ones have a large majority of people that don’t even use social media. So, like, I just always missing someone. So I’m used to this. So the truth is, yes, I do think that’s part of it, but I thoroughly enjoyed the host here, and I’m here with two other workawaiters. And I go out on walks a lot I pray a lot and meditate. I do outreach calls all day long with fellows and thank god for technology. Like, you’re out North Dakota. I’m here in France and we’re able to talk. I’ve been able to call my friends in LA. New York, in New Mexico, like, I’ve been able to call people still and FaceTime them. It’s not the same as personal connection, but I get that from them. I guess I’m a little bit lonely and the fact is, like, I think also Chase served he wasn’t my brother. He wasn’t family. Josh was my family. It’s different. I didn’t have, like, romantic feelings for Josh. It’s for my older brother, you know. I didn’t he was my brother, we were blood, and but chase, I kinda had some intimate romantic feelings, and I didn’t really fully understand that until he died. And it’s really sad. I think it’s really sad that I didn’t know. Because, like, I knew I liked him and I was kind of obsessed with him. I didn’t know they were those in feelings until he died and I felt those feelings. I think that’s why I relapsed. When Chase died and my sexual live addiction is because I didn’t know how to handle those feelings. That feeling of loss, that feeling of grief. I’ve had a few other, like, guys, like, people that I’ve had these really intense feelings for, like, since Chase died. And it’s weird because I feel like having him die kinda gave me permission to, like, move on. I guess, I’ve spread myself out too thin emotionally and sexually because of my past as a sex worker, because of my promiscuity, emotionally, I was a little bit of an emotional horror. Like, just my emotions are all spread out all over the world. So, like, having Chase died, like, kinda help me reel it in. My emotions I have better boundaries now. I don’t hoard or myself anymore, emotionally. I don’t I don’t I tried to I’m way more conservative than I thought I was, like, emotionally and sexually. Like and it’s new to me, but she’s gonna help me with that. And, yeah, I’ve been able to forgive those guys that I mentioned that I was mad at because of Chase’s death. I kinda blamed them certain characters in West Hollywood that I know was I really angry at? And they’re still doing the same shit. These old older men that work in the industry having these parties, inviting all these young new gays, giving them drugs, giving them alcohol, telling them they’ll do this, they’ll do the app, but they really just wanna get laid. It’s still happening. The same people are still doing the same shit. As eleven years ago when I moved away. This same shit. It’s not different. And I’m like, how do these people sleep that night. But I don’t think they’re fully aware of what they’re doing. It’s kinda like if they knew they knew and they would stop doing it. But it takes two sides. So so but I’ve been able to forgive them. Like, you know, I don’t and I’m leave I’ve left LA It’s a new experience for me. I do wonder am I escaping? Am I doing escapism by being out here? But I’m really enjoying Europe. I don’t plan to, like, move here and get a house here and, like, be here. But I plan to go back LA. But back to New York, back to New Mexico to my parents, back to Montana, I still plan to stay connected to America. I’m always gonna be an American Like, even if I get my Estonian citizenship and I so, like, I don’t know.But yeah. I think I am feeling a little bit lonely. But last night, I made a friend. I made friends with this local girl. She was really nice. And I’ll go to Paris in two weeks and see one of my friends, and there’s a big recovery convention that week. So I’ll see people that I’m only, like, three hour train ride from Paris right now. So it’s pretty cool.

Victoria Volk: Do you think a part of this too could be a little bit of being ready maybe to settle down? Maybe just wanting someone to share this experience with?

Jordan Brodie: Definitely. I was talking about this last night with someone. Okay. I so part of this too, I thought that it’s so funny because Miley Cyrus on Flowers came out on my sobriety birthday, which is January 13th, like, the album was released. And my it’s, you know, the the theme of the song itself, love, like, a renaissance flower was I can grab my name and the saying a quote directly from Chase. He always told me this. He’s like Jordan, God provides music always at the exact right time when they need it. Like, that was Chase’s little quote. That was one of his quotes that he always told me, and he always said if it’s not nice, don’t say it at all. And he would always tell me that because I was kind of more of a bitch than he was. It was always very, like, snarky and he and saying these things. And he was like, my mom always taught me. It’s that nice, don’t say it at all. So he kind of has this consciousness need to, like, be a nicer person. Anyway, So it to me, it was God. It was Chase. It was, like, music. Also, on the year so on so his death was December 27th, I think, or December 1st. December 1st. It was the day of the Equinox when the bright star, the north star, whatever was brightest. So in some ways, I’m like, chaste must have been like Jesus or something because he died on that day. What a great day to go out was the day that the whole world did that international meditation together. Everyone did it. He died that night. The North Star was the brightest. So I think it’s a beautiful night to pass. The energy was amazing. And okay. So a year later on the year of his passing a year prior. It was either the week before or the week after a few weeks. Tim Petris, one of my other favorite pop stars put out a song called Coconuts, which Coconuts, you know, it’s like it’s tropical themed in the middle of winter. So random. She’s the queen of, like, putting things out at random times. Chase and I, five years before he died, We were very silly together and played together. He wrote a song. We wrote a song together called Coconuts. Chase and I did. It was just a joking stupid song. We were obsessed with coconuts. We were like, anything coconut, coconut oil. It’s good for your skin. It tastes good. It’s good for cooking. It’s good as lube for seg. Like, you can do anything with coconuts. You can eat it. You can do anything with coconuts. So so the fact that that song came out like near during a year from his passing was God to me. I was like, Chase is on the other side manipulating shit. Kim Petress has put out a song called Coconuts. And that song is really stupid. It’s a dumb pop song about her boobs, basically, coconuts, Mac, coconuts, it’s, like, totally random, which is also chases humor too. So to me, it was God, like, that song is spiritual to me. It’s funny because everyone’s like, oh, this is a dumb pop song. But that song is spiritual for me. Like, whenever I hear that song, I it’s like, god speaking to me. And then similar things like on Josh’s birthday this year, pink put out her single to her next album, trustful, the song closed, your eyes, and leave it up behind, go with love. It’s on our side, and it’s stressful. And I remember, like, I was playing it on repeat. And that evening of I was going to someone’s birthday and I was in West Hollywood. I was in the Candle Delirium store and I was buying a candle for my friend. And at the register, the guy I will see him there. He owns the store or whatever, but he was, like, Are you okay how are you, by the way, are you okay? And I broke down crying in the store. Like, in front of I it wasn’t, like, I because I was, like, I’m and then it just kinda cracked. And I was, like, crying because I couldn’t hold it because I was just I was dealing with it was I was just listening to music and I was alone. And then I just told him, I was like, oh, on today’s my brother’s birthday, he died, like, two years ago, and I really miss him. And so, yeah, I’m kinda sad, but thank you. And then they, like, they, like, gave me a big hug and they gave me, like, a really big discount on the candle that I was buying. And, anyway, that it was, like, really sweet. So it’s always good to be honest. Like, we don’t wanna get vulnerable when we’re doing bad. But if you just say if someone asks you how you’re doing, you’re not feeling good, there’s nothing wrong with saying, I’m not feeling good. I’m not doing good today. How are you? It’s good to be honest about what we’re feeling. That’s been the biggest lesson with all this and Yeah. And the best way I can honor my brother and Chase is by continuing to work on myself become the best version of myself. I feel like they’re here with me. I pray to them all the time. I talk to them. I danced with them. I, like, I went to EDC last year, and

Victoria Volk: What does that stand for?

Jordan Brodie: Electric Daisy Carnival in Las Vegas. It’s the biggest wave in the United States. It’s a big music festival, like, all the big big DJs, like Calvin Harris, David Geta, like, than even NASA, like, Gorgon City, Zoo, Grimes. All these DJ’s, like, perform. There’s, like, hundreds of d j’s five hundred thousand people in Las Vegas at the speedway from all over the world to go and I’ve been wanting to go for a really long time and it was my first time going and I went with two of my best friends, and it was so much fun. And there was a moment. Okay. So my friend Phoenix and Sean both really love this artist. His name’s excision. I don’t know if you’ve heard of him, but He’s a electronic music producer. His music has a lot of heavy metal references in it. So it’s not Like me, I’m candy pot. Like, I love pot stuff. I’ve always been great name Adzana, Michael Jackson and Paris Hilton and Christina Aguilar. If it’s gay, shiny, and sparkly, I’m all over a girl, and I’m listening to it. Like, I don’t even like horror movies, dark I’m the sugar to my friend’s spice. Like, I’m the bright one that’s very gay and happy. I do have a dark side Don’t get me wrong. I have a dark, angry, evil, twisted, bitch side of me too. Sorry. I don’t know if I can cuss back.

Victoria Volk: It’s okay.

Jordan Brodie: But okay. So so here we are. And I Josh and I wrote music together. We had a business together, my older brother. We made his songs together. Josh produced classical music He played the guitar. He played the bass. He played the saxophone. He played the piano. He played he taught himself all these instruments. He never had, like, probably, like, a few lessons when he was younger in piano, but he was a musical genius. He produced hip hop music. Classical music, hot music in the end. He was so talented. And I kept trying to get Josh to move to LA. Like, to, like, for us to work together, but he couldn’t ever his addictions problems and stuff would always get in the way of are working together, and it really frustrated me. And I don’t know if he was an addict or not. It’s not fair for me to say that, but Some of his behaviors would get in the way of us working together. Music was our bonding thing, my older brother and I. And same with Chase. Chase and I whenever we were driving in the car, it was like it was like you’re in a concert. Chase and I were jamming out. We listen to music all day. Chase was always messaging me songs. A lot of my favorite songs. I have a whole playlist with Chase music, Demi Lovato, just chase loved music. And he really helps me grow my love of music as a consumer because Pace wasn’t making music. He was an actor. He wasn’t interested in writing. He was interested in being an actor, but he had a love and a passion for it as like a fan. So I was writing music. Chase loved my songs. He was one of the first people to buy, like, the physical copy of my first, like, single make it right. Like, he bought it online when he could stream it for free. And, like, he was just so proud of me and he loved my music. And so it meant a lot to me because I moved he moved to LA a year before I did from my hometown, and he let me stay with him for a few weeks, and he helped me get start up because he moved there to pursue his acting dreams. And I moved to LA to pursue my music dreams. So anyway, at EDC, it’s a music festival, so it’s all about music. Of course, I was thinking about Chase and Josh the whole time. Like they were there with me. There was this moment. And Josh also was in heavy metal bands. He played heavy metal music, and I loved all kinds of genres, but heavy metals not really my cup of tea. Like, I love metallica, I love whole you can still understand the lyrics, but heavy metal, screamo music. I love the guitars. I love high-intensity guitars and music and rock music. Like, I love Ramstein. I’m obsessed with Ramstein. It’s because they’re really hardcore. But they speak German so it’s like, I already don’t understand German so it’s okay. But screamo music. I don’t know what they’re saying. I don’t I’m not the biggest screamo fan. I will go to a screamo concert. I will go to a heavy metal concert. I’ll address the part, and I will have a blast. And I’ve done it. And I supported Josh was obsessed with Bingo. I think it helped him presses emotions. He was in so many metal bands. He was, like, producing metal music, blah blah blah. Had all these things going for him. And so Sean and Phoenix both love excision. I’ve never heard him. Has a lot of heavy metal influences. We’re, like, up at front. All jammed out look like Barbie dolls. Like, headbanging in the front of the excision, like, looking gay AF in front of all of these because excision, people are they what’s that called, mosh, they mosh pit. Like, you know, it’s EDM, but people are mashing. Like, It’s aggressive energy. It’s not really me. Like, I’m not that like, I was the little gay boy on the in ballet class on this side. The boys ballet class watching the other boys who were just there because their sports coaches made them do ballet. They were all tackling each other, and I’m there rolling my eyes. Like, I’ve never really been the type to, like, do that. So anyway, we’re, like, head-banging. There was a moment where excision because it’s, like, hard more metal, like, idiom. And then all of a sudden, he he saw us, like, in the front row. I where he did this for the three games on the front, because he played a quote on Britney. He was, like, it’s Britney Bitch. And then it just went back to the And then there’s a moment where he slowed down the music. He was like, I just wanna take a moment. I just recently lost someone that was really close to me, like, a few days ago or a year ago. I can’t remember the exact time period, but he was like, tonight, I’m really thinking about him and I’m really honoring him. And if there’s anyone out there in the audience, that’s like experience is significant loss recently. I just want you to know that you’re not alone and I don’t remember what else he said. But it was just I started crying, like, during a heavy metal EDM, set because I knew Josh was there, like, with me. Like like, your loved ones are always is there with you and your memories and your heart. And I am someone who believes in afterlife. I don’t believe in energy. I don’t know if it’s actual heaven or hell, I don’t really believe in that. But I do believe that our loved one’s energy, like, is there and guiding me. I feel like I have this, like, this, like, team of, like, almost, like they’re, like, in the van of, like, the spy van. They’re, like, up there. I can just, like, be, like, yo, guys. Hey. What’s up? Like, I just feel like I have access to all these people in the spiritual realm, and they’re always with me. So whenever you’re getting Jordan, you’re getting all it is. And to add go back to your question about eye flowers, Miley Cyrus song music. When I always thought I would need a boyfriend, a husband, a partner, before I came to Europe. I would need a rich sugar daddy. I would need this. I would need that.
I can’t go alone. It’s romantic to go to Europe. You know? So the fact that I’m out here by myself without a man or a partner, I haven’t even I’m still not ready to date yet until I finish my steps. So I haven’t gone around any dates. I met some guys, and I was kinda trying to meet up with this guy that I met in Brazil, like, in Switzerland, but he goes to me. So I haven’t kinda sad about that, but you said it would wouldn’t it be nice to share this? In the past, I’ve always thought, yes, it would be so nice to have a partner to share all these amazing things with. But you know what I’ve been realizing lately is, yeah, that would be nice and that will happen eventually. But right now, I’m sharing my life with you, Victoria. I’m sharing my life with these work away hosts. I’m sharing my life with my family, my parents. They’re so excited for me that I’m traveling. They’re so supportive of this. My dad started sending me money to help with this adventure, which I was not expecting. And then a lot of my friends are so supportive and so proud of me, like, I am sharing my life with people. Like, I’m sharing my life with amazing people. Like, I don’t I already am sharing my life with an amazing beautiful community. Like, I really am. It’s not I’m not missing anything. I have everything I need right now. I have food to eat. I have a house to sleep in. I have friends. I have family. I have love. I have animals. And, yes, it would be nice to have a intimate, romantic, love partner to share all this with, but it’s just gonna add to what I’m already sharing with other people.

Victoria Volk: I absolutely got full-body chills with you sharing that. And I think that is the most beautiful message. Anyone listening to this can hear today. And that and that is self-love. Right? That is self-love. Opening yourself up to share what you have with where you are right now. Yeah. And that’s what you’re doing. And so thank you because you just It’s such a gift. Like, you’re our share in your life with me and to not want. Right? Isn’t that, like, the isn’t that what peace really is? What other peace feels like is to not have a feeling of want, like to be at peace.

Jordan Brodie: That in Buddhism, they always talk about the four pillars of Buddhism. Buddhism is always about It’s all about the relinquishment of suffering. And suffering is defined as wanting something else outside of us. That is suffering. So when I’m sitting there, yearning for Chase to come back or yearning for Josh to come back or yearning for this guy or yearning for this or yearning for anything that’s not right here physically in front of me right now. I’m in a room by myself talking to you sitting on this bed. This room’s really pretty. It’s I’m this is my present moment. This is what I need to be an acceptance about. This is exactly where I am right now. It’s exactly where I need to be. It’s exactly where I’m supposed to be. This moment has never happened before ever. In this new time, it’s happening right now. This instant present moment. And that’s the present moment is where amazing things happen. It’s where really bad things happen. The present moment is where we need to be. And it’s all that matters because the future will give us anxiety if we obsessed about it and the past will depress us. So so, yeah, it is piece to let go of the wanting. It doesn’t mean we can’t have desires, but when we have desires, I’ve learned it’s important to make a plan of action and set some goals, and then start working towards those goals, but not obsessing about when they’re gonna happen. Because they’re gonna happen if they’re supposed to happen, we can’t control that. And I have my goals and do you have everything I want? And Yeah. Sometimes when I’m sad and lonely, I yearn for a romantic partner and sometimes I’m sad about why Chase, like, why Josh, like, why my why this why the and sometimes I have to stop myself and be like, well, it happened. It is what it is. It did happen, and I have to be in acceptance. Because if I’m not in acceptance, I get depressed, I get sad, I get kiss them. I know my brother and Chase and my aunt Julie and all my loved ones. They loved me so much. And they wanted me to be happy. They really did. They wanted me to have love they wanted me to be free. Josh was very supportive of me as a gay person and very protective. Actually, when I was acting out promiscuously, Josh should be, like, Jordan, that’s not who you are. Like, what are you doing? Like, that’s not my brother. Like, and he really loved me. And Chase too. Like, Chase was really trying to help me get closer to God because he could see how lost and broken I was. An eye cutting. It was a light in a dark place. And my aunt Julie, she was always like Jordan. Don’t hide from us. We know how gay you are. She’s like, you are fabulous. And she’d be like, why are you hiding from us because I was still hiding from everyone. I was the one who needed to accept me and love me. Everyone loves me and loved me so much. They love how gay I am. They love how feminine I am. They love it. I was the one who didn’t love it yet. And I’ve done some work, and I’m still working on that every day, loving myself and accepting myself as my daily journey. And my point is, Julie, Chase or Josh, would not have wanted me to be sad and miserable. They want me to be happy. They want we just celebrate life. They want me to be successful. They want me to be extra. They want me to dance around. They want me to make billions of dollars. They want me to have that a nice guy who takes really good care of me, they want me to be happy. I know that. It’s not a question. And so I know whenever I’m starting to feel sad and I get sad about them, I’ll say, guys, I’ll, like, kinda say I miss you. I’ll express to a friend that I miss them or I’ll write something or I’ll allow myself to cry or this song has been really helpful to me lately. The next right thing from Frozen two. Oh my gosh. That song just gets me. I listen to it every day sometimes. It just really helps with these emotions because that’s all we can do sometimes. Is the next right thing? What is the next right thing? I know after this, I got some stuff to do. That’s all we could do is the next right thing. And, yeah, I know that that they would be happy and mad with me. I’ll say one more thing too. I’ve learned this recently. There’s a great docu-series, by the way. On Disney plus that Morgan Freeman does called God, and he talks about lunch of different religions and their views, not just Christianity. He talks about Buddhism. He goes to India. I forgot the name of the city. It’s like Varnasse or Varsini India, which is one of the spiritual capitals of India. And he talks about in Hinduism, how they celebrate. They celebrate death. It’s not a taboo. It’s not this grim, sad thing. They believe and after life, they believe it’s a journey into a new thing, a new place. So they is a passage. They’re excited for their loved ones to go on and continue. It’s a celebration for them. And I kind of I have in American culture and eastern western culture death is seen as this morbid sad thing. Taboo talk topic, it’s awkward. We don’t know how to handle grief. We bat we don’t know how to handle it. We don’t have these social systems in place. Whereas in Hinduism, it’s celebrated. They’re like, hell yeah, like, I loved one died. They get to go on. They could have a new experience. It’s like going to college or something. I’m like, we’re getting a new job. It’s like in a new thing. It’s citing. So I’ve been trying to think about that with Chase and Josh and Julie and my other loved ones. It’s like, I make I’m excited for them. What are they doing now? They’re probably having so much fun. Like, who knows? Like, what? Yeah.

Victoria Volk: I had a psychic medium on my podcast, her name’s Siri Burnson, and she spoke of a client of hers at one time who hurt this the client’s son had completed suicide. And the mother was just so concerned that her son was not in heaven. And he came through through the psychic and Derseri and she said he wants you to know that he’s in school. Mhmm. He described to through to Siri, like, where he is at, it’s school, that whatever lessons he didn’t learn in the three d he is learning now. And I’ve actually heard that different said a different way multiple times through other psychic mediums or through people who have had near death experiences or people who have actually died and come back who have talked about it like, looking like this experience or being this experience of, like, school.

Jordan Brodie: I love that. So where I’m at in Normandy, the host he teaches yoga and chi dong, Chinese like it’s kinda like tight. And then he does acupuncture. I did she gong on Monday with him Monday morning, and I had a spiritual experience. It’s like she energy and Chinese spirituality is God. It’s the energy of life, it’s the electricity, the spirit electricity, the realm that runs through you. And Shi Gang is just, like, movements like this. It’s just It’s not a hard exercise, but the whole point of it is the connectedness between heaven and earth, like the sky and earth And I had an epiphany during on my day. Because they always say the spirit realm. Right? It’s like energy. It’s not heaven. It’s whatever you believe it. It’s the afterlife. It’s it’s not tangible to the like you said, the three d plane, the this plane that we’re in right now. It’s another realm. The earth the real realm that we’re in right now is you know, tangible. We can touch things. Our blessing humans serve a huge placed in the universe because we’re the only creatures and animals I believe too that are the conduit the middle the middle ground between the spiritual realm and the real realm. We get to experience both. We get to experience the physical pain in existence and the spiritual pain. When we tap into God energy and we tap into our loved ones or past, it’s a blessing. It’s a huge honor to be human. And I had an epiphany that that’s what it means to be human. To be human means to be a conduit from this spiritual realm. And the and the physical realm. It’s a blessing and we have a purpose here to take care of each other and to take care of the animals who aren’t as advanced as us, I think it’s our responsibility to care for the animals, the and for the people that’s fortunate, the people that aren’t born with legs, the people that are born with diseases, if you have a privilege and you have legs or you have money you have resources, it’s our responsibility to take care of them. I had just had this whole epiphany during qingong, which is like so that’s why it’s good to be open-minded too. Like, I was raised, Christian, I read the bible. I do believe in Jesus. I do pray to God. I do believe in that. But I do think it’s important to be open to other things that aren’t out of your comfort zone to, like, new cultures and new things because the Chinese have been around for way longer than Americans have, so they’ve had plenty of time to think about things. They’ve I’ve so it’s, like, I had this a mate. I highly recommend Xevon for anyone. You really feel like the energy. Like, I felt you can feel it. Like, you can feel God. It’s so cool. I love it. Anyway, it kinda got off a tangent, but yeah.

Victoria Volk: I recently did Tai Chi at a retreat women’s retreat and I really phoned. Okay.

Jordan Brodie: Takes you off.

Victoria Volk: I really like that too. Can you just share a little bit for those listening? How does work away work? Because First of all, it’s amazing that you had that experience. You had that epiphany because of work away. Like, you’re experiencing all of these things and meeting all of these people because you took a chance on this opportunity to do this. So can you just explain a little bit how it worked? Like, you know, do you have to pay obviously, you probably have to pay to get yourself overseas and, like, how does that work?

Jordan Brodie: Yeah. I’ll explain. Okay. So this is something I’ve been wanting to do for, like, seven years. I don’t know how I discovered it, but there’s a website called workaway.info. It’s the website workaway.info, not .com .info. It’s been around for a really long time. It’s a social media platform. You can make a free profile, but in order to message host or message people, you have to pay fifty-six dollars or sixty dollars for the whole year. It’s like a subscription. And what that pays for is basically like, it helps filter out, like, kind of shaving people.

Victoria Volk: They’re vetting the people that get on that platform.

Jordan Brodie: Exactly. Because And then I there’s some type of background check process. I don’t know, actually, how that works. I don’t know if I don’t remember filling out a background check form, but they might do that. They do some type of thing verification process. I don’t remember. But It’s just a website anyone can apply for an e make a profile. I put on my profile. I’m good with children. I can cook. I’m good with animals. I worked at the doggy daycare. My grandpa had a farm when I was little. He told me to work when I was fourteen. I was always working on the tractor and the grass, this kind of stuff. My parents would always have me do tasks. I explained all of this and I explained my interest, and I’m learning French, and I know a little bit of Spanish. I put all this in my profile. You just make a profile. And then there’s workaway hosts. So people all over the world. There’s some in Austin, Texas. They’re all over the world. Every country, South Africa. There’s this really cool one near Cape Town. This guy has a Safari company where she takes people on Safari tours. And he just needs people’s help. The maximum hours you’re supposed to work is twenty hours a week, by the way. They’re not supposed to ask for anymore. And so for me, it’s usually about four to five hours a day, five days a week, Monday to Friday. I work about. So it’s not much. And this guy in South Africa wants people to help do marketing on for his safari business. There’s people who want nannies for their kids. There’s people who have the in Switzerland, Bern, I was helping her Flyer for her. She was starting a high school in her area. I was helping pass out flyers in the city center. And they help them cook, can I help them clean, and help them go shopping? The first work away, she could I was helped She broke her leg last year as older lady. So I was helping her with things she couldn’t do because of that her leg pain. And there’s all kinds of jobs, all of it. So you just make a profile, you pay for it, and then you message place you you can search by country where you wanna go, and then you just start messaging host. You say, hey, I’m interested in this and it’s completely volunteering. So it’s a way to get around. They want people to stay for longer than two weeks, usually two or three weeks, a month, two months, three months. One girl is staying here for eight months because they have long-term projects and they want someone to stay for a while. And it’s a lot of very interesting people that do the hosting. And you’re helping out. You’re like, living in, like, living and helping. And you get food, you have access to food, and a place to stay, but you’re volunteering so you I don’t have to get a special visa. Like, if you if I get paid from someone, I’ll have to get a work visa in this country. Wherever so I don’t have to get a visa because I’m volunteering. I when you come here, I say I’m I’m traveling. I’m a tourist because I technically am still traveling. I’m a tourist, but I am working in exchange to stay here. It’s just kind of a loophole. I feel like I found like hitch hiker’s guide to the galaxy, and then come on. What was my thumb? But I am offering some ands it’s pretty scary, but you just wanna make sure you message them. And I’ve made sure to have video chat with each of the host before going and seeing if I got along with them. There were some people I said no to because I didn’t feel comfortable. I didn’t want anyone that just wanted me to crash and pooch because I knew that would harbor it with them in them. I wanted to work. I have to work twenty hours a week. Because I don’t want to freeload. And, yeah, that’s what I’m doing. It’s a great way to travel because I’ve always been wanting to do this for seven years. I was terrified to do it. I almost canceled this trip. So many times, I had just lost my job. I was in limbo. I used my last bit of unemployment money. To buy my plane tickets out here. And you can get some Gritty cheap tickets to Europe. What you do is you type your city in the US, in flights dot Google.com. Type in your city. And in destination, you can put Europe. So you don’t have to put the country, and it’ll show you what the cheapest flight to fly into. And I found a really cheap flight to Norway. It was only three hundred dollars. And then and then from Norway, there was, like, ten dollar fight from Norway to London. And then March, that’s how I got here. So so you can do that. Like, you just find the cheapest place to fly to. And once you’re over here, they have a airlines called Ryanair, which is kinda like Spirit Airlines in US. It’s just really cheap flights and ten dollars, twenty dollars, thirty dollar flights. It’s two other like, my flight to Edinburg was, like, forty dollars. Like, I’m going at the end of this month or next month. Wow. So So, yeah, my next workaways in Scotland. I can only be in Europe for ninety days because I don’t have citizenship and I don’t have a visa. But in the UK, you can be there for six months without a Visa. So I’m gonna go to UK for at least ninety days and then come back to Europe, and I’m just gonna bounce around between UK and Europe until I get my citizenship. Once I get my citizenship, I can get a job out here I can get an apartment, get a house. So so that’s what I’m doing. And it’s a great way to travel. I recommend it for anyone. Because you get to have a cultural experience, you get to meet locals, you get to hang out with some I’m not just in a hotel and going to guided tours. Like, I’m meeting locals. I’m experiencing the culture. I’m experiencing the history. Like, I’m in a small town. You get to feel what it’s like to live in another country. And I’ve always been very interested in how of first generation American feels like an immigrant, someone who moves to America without like, knowing the language. I’ve met people like that and they’re so inspiring me for me. They’re such hard workers they barely know the language and they have to build an entire life and they’re usually sending money back to their family. They’re just inspiring amazing wonderful people to me. I’ve always been fascinated with what with them. So I think that’s why I’m so attracted to being here in Europe and kind of being an immigrant here. I don’t like the word expat. It sounds too I technically am, but I don’t I’m not yet, but I don’t it sounds to, like, like, boosie, whatever.
Like, I’m an immigrant. I’m an immigrant as someone who migrates to another place. Like, It’s there’s no bad terminology about it. Alright. Nextiva, whatever you wanna call me about. World traveler. World traveler? Jitsi. Jitsi. An Experiancer. Listen to ladyaga Jitsi a lot.

Victoria Volk: This has been so fun catching up with you, and I’m excited to see how this experience will change you. Over the next year. And I am actually, like, let’s plan a catch up maybe not as long as two years, maybe in eighteen months or something like that. I would love to see. Yeah.

Jordan Brodie: I’d love to see you another one in a year. Yeah. It’s exciting. I’m I’m curious to know for the listeners, like like, what people what their experience with grief is and traveling and I’m really curious to know if I’m the only one who feels this like connection with, like, with my loved ones that have passed. Like, if you will if I’m just kinda delusional about all this or.

Victoria Volk: No. I can even tell you just people who I’ve talked to and had who have been on this podcast that that’s not true, that you’re not alone in that.

Jordan Brodie: Are thinking about them a lot. And, yeah, no one really prepares me for it. And it’s kinda like a splinter. Like, you just gotta rip out which just happens.

Victoria Volk: It’s very true.

Jordan Brodie: Well, thank you. Yes. So wonderful.

Victoria Volk: Yes. Thank you so much for being here and for catching us up on your life. And I look forward to seeing what workaway brings to you in the future? Because I think it’s

Jordan Brodie: I’m still working on music. I’m actually looking for recording studios right now because I have I’ve have a song written that I want to record And so I’m still doing my music stuff. Like, I haven’t given up on my influencer music artist’s dreams. I’m just trying to make a more deeper, more personal brand than just, like, like, some candy, pot, like, superficial, like, three d like, just two-dimensional person. I’m just trying to be authentically myself, but I’m still gonna do music and stuff. One thing I haven’t done, sadly, since Chase and Josh died, I haven’t really written about them. Or about their death or about any of that. I want to. I’ve been kind of procrastinating and printing it off. One of my favorite artists is Grimes. I don’t know if you know her, but she’s amazing. I love her. She’s so wonderful. And I learned this that her first album of Libya was written in Vancouver, Washington, her best friend died from a drug overdose, and she was to deal with her grief. She locked herself in her apartment for, like, a week and wrote oblivion, which was her first like, landmark album that, like, blew her up. And I’ve been wanting to do this. But I haven’t known how. I have actually brings up some pain like mention like, I’ve been afraid my impostor syndrome says, I’m not good enough to produce all the songs by myself. That I need a microphone. I need this. I need that. I need this. Like, there’s all these excuses that I have. And I really hopefully, by the next time we talk, I will have done a lock-in for a week and written about Jason. Josh, and Julie, and my other loved ones. I’ve written about Julie. She is my aunt. I didn’t really mention that. I mentioned to her a little bit. Right? She died, like, a while ago, something overdose. But, like, I didn’t I still haven’t written about Jason Josh, and I really I think I need to. I’m kind of waiting for the right time. It’s gonna happen when it’s supposed to happen. And but this next song I’m doing is called it’s it’s gonna be like a chill kind of pop song like asking people to get to know me because I want people to get to know me. That’s why I love doing this podcast because I really hope some of my friends and loved ones watch this and it helps me connect with more people because I want an audience that’s real and not superficial. Like, we all have a reason why we’re connected. It’s not just because I’m hot or just because I have good music. It’s like, they have a reason. You know?

Victoria Volk: Well, and I imagine that the loss of your loved ones aside that just traveling over the next year or two that what you experience will inspire your writing for sure.

Jordan Brodie: Oh, definitely. And I haven’t really written about traveling yet. I’d like to, but I’ve been writing. I’ve written a few songs yesterday. I’ve been writing. Yeah.

Victoria Volk: Yeah. Let the environment inspire you because it sounds like it is, so that’s wonderful.

Jordan Brodie: Well, thank you, Victoria. Bye now.

Victoria Volk: Thank you. Love you too. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life, much love.

Ep 145 Q&A | What Can I Do To Support Myself in My Grief?

Q&A | What Can I Do To Support Myself in My Grief?

 

SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:

The question, “What can I do to support myself in my grief,”  has a simple answer in four words that I don’t share in the episode but is explored through the self-reflection exercise contained in the episode.

What are the four words?

Get – To – Know – Yourself. ✨

In this week’s episode, you will do just that.

Before you listen, I suggest you get in the headspace and right environment to self-reflect. Light a candle if you like. Eliminate distractions. Push play.

There are three steps in this self-reflection exercise. As you go through each exercise, you’ll push pause whenever you need. Give yourself as much time as you need but also go with whatever comes to mind first – don’t dissect the question or think too long or hard.

Grievers often don’t know what they need or what they want. Life has been turned upside down, and some days are an exercise in just making it to the end of the day.
No matter where you are today, I know it’s possible to feel at least 1% better. However, it takes some action and reflection first.

Even in grief, we have to think with the end in mind: How do I want this grief to change me? For the better? For the worse?

We have a duty to ourselves, and the ball is in our court to move the pieces and players who will support us to get where we desire to be emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally.

You will learn which areas you need additional support in through this episode’s three steps. You’ll bring to your awareness what matters most to you right now and what may be getting in the way.

RESOURCES:

_______

NEED HELP?

  • National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
  • Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor

If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.

Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.

CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:

Victoria Volk: Hey, Hey, Hey, Welcome to grieving voices. I’m your host, Victoria Volk of The Unleashed Heart. And today’s episode is a Q&A episode titled, What can I do to support myself in my grief? And this episode is actually going to be an exercise in personal reflection. And so if you’re driving or if you’re busy working or doing some other activity, I invite you to push pause on this and come back to it at a time when you can jot down notes. Or work through the prompts as I am going through it on this episode. This is something you can come back to. Save it, refer to it maybe three months from now as a check-in and share this with someone you know or love who really is kind of sitting in a place of, I don’t know what I need, I don’t know what I want, but are definitely stuck in the rut of grief or whose life is feeling challenged at the moment. And no one has to die for you to grieve. It can just be life change because grief is a change in familiar pattern of behavior that can cause us grief.

Victoria Volk: So I invite you again to come back to this episode and share it, save it, but let’s get started on today’s episode, inspired by some information I received and learned myself through the Veterans Administration. So if you are a veteran, there’s resources just like this one I’m going to share with you available at your local seabock or Veterans Administration office. I encourage you to check-in to their live whole health program. Their whole motto for live whole health is discover what matters. And so this little exercise is just a personal health inventory to help you as a griever or someone who is struggling with something in your life. To take a personal inventory of your health and look at your whole health, your whole self with a wider lens. Because especially in grief, we can become very narrowly focused we’re either dwelling on the past or we’re worrying about the future and really get away from living in the present moment.

Victoria Volk: And so this is an exercise to be present with yourself. There’s three steps I’m gonna walk you through. And as I’m describing these three steps, take your notes as I’m speaking, and answer these things for yourself. By the end of it. I think that you will have a really good picture as to what area of your life is needing some support, where you need some support, And and then I encourage you to look for the resources, the people out in your community that can help you reach the goals that you have to be the best version of yourself. Because in order to know how we can best support ourselves in our grief or during a challenging time, we need to recognize where we’re at and where we want to go. And so I’m hoping that this personal health inventory and this reflection into the self will help you discern that.

Victoria Volk: So step one, take a personal health inventory by rating where you are on a scale of one to five, one being not so good, and five being great, in each of the following. Physical well-being, rate yourself one to five, mental and or emotional well-being. Remember, one is not so good. Five is great. And thirdly, life. How is it to live your life day to day? What’s it like being you? Is it one not so good? Maybe it’s two, maybe it’s middle of the road, three, four. It’s it’s okay. It could be better, but it’s not great, which is five. And then answer this question after you’ve done that. What matters most to you in your life right now. I’ll have you push pause and take a few moments to share your thoughts down on paper.

Victoria Volk: The next step of this exercise is to discover where you are and where you would like to be. And to do this, you really need to be honest with yourself and others about where you are and where you would like to be. I would have you rate each of the following where you are now between one and five, one being low, five being high, and you don’t necessarily have to wish to be a five in the future either. It’s just where you are right now, one to five, and where you want to be. So first, moving the body. Our physical, mental, and emotional health are impacted by the amount and the kind of movement that we do. So how would you rate yourself as on a scale of one to five, one being low, five being high, that best represents where you are and where you want to be. As far as moving your physical body. Next, recharge. Our bodies and minds need rest in order to optimize our health. Recharging also involves activities that replenish your mental and physical energy. Where are you right now? One to five? And where would you like to be?

Victoria Volk: Third, food and drink. What we eat and drink can have a huge effect on how we experience life both physically and mentally. Where are you right now? One to five? Where would you like to be? Next, personal development. Our health is impacted by how we spend our time. We feel best when we can do things that really matter to us. Or bring us joy. Where are you right now? Where do you want to be? On a scale of one to five. Next, family, friends, and coworkers. Our relationships, including those with pets, have as significant an effect on our physical and emotional health as any other factor associated with well-being. Where would you rate yourself today as to where you are right now? And what would you rate yourself on where you would like to be?

Victoria Volk: Next, spirit and soul. Connecting with something greater than ourselves may provide a sense of meaning and purpose. Peace, or comfort. Spiritual connection can take many forms. Are you honoring right now your spirit and soul? And where are you on that scale of one to five? And where would you like to be? Surroundings. Surroundings include where we live, work, learn, play and worship. Both indoors and out. Safe, stable, and comfortable surroundings have a positive effect on our health. Where are you right now as far as your surroundings? Where would you like to be?

Victoria Volk: This one thing to consider with surroundings is toxicity, like the toxic relationships you have in your life or may have in your life either at work or at home? Is it a safe home environment? Is there a lot of chaos? Same with work? Is it environmentally toxic?
Take all those things into consideration when thinking about surroundings?

Victoria Volk: Next, power of mind. Our thoughts are powerful and can affect our physical, mental, and emotional health. Changing our mindset can aid in healing and coping. Where do you feel you are right now as far as peace of the mind? Where would you like to be on a scale of one to five? Five again being high. One being low.

Victoria Volk: And lastly, professional care. Partnering with your healthcare team to address your health concerns, understand care options and define actions you may take to promote your health and goals. Where do you feel you are right now with professional care? Do you have people in systems in your life that support you in your physical health? Where would you like to be in that department?

Victoria Volk: All of these moving the body recharge, food and drink, personal development, family friends and coworkers, spirit and soul, surroundings, power of the mind, and professional care are all building blocks of health and well-being.

Victoria Volk: So after you’ve gone through all of these, take a good look. What are some of the areas that you need more support. Where would you like to be?

Victoria Volk: That brings us to step number three. Reflection questions to dive a little deeper. Now that you have thought about what matters to you in all of these areas, what would your life look like if you had the health you want? What kind of activities would you be doing? Or how might you feel different? What area might you focus on? Pause this and jot your notes and come back to it for you when you’re ready for the next question.

Victoria Volk: The next reflection question is what might get in the way How might you start? All three of these steps give you a better picture as to where you are today, and where you would like to be, and helping you see what you can do for yourself and supporting yourself in your grief. These are action steps that you can take looking at where you need support and then finding that support. It might mean working with someone like me if it’s your mental and emotional well-being that isn’t where you want it to be, which actually will affect every other area of your life as well because if we are emotionally bogged down. Are we necessarily gonna feel like getting physical, like moving our body and things like that? Are we going to feel like living our life going into the day-to-day with vibrancy and enthusiasm?

Victoria Volk: So I would argue that mental and emotional well-being is one of the most important and actually these other two categories, the physical well-being and the day-to-day aspect of life will actually improve once the mental and emotional are addressed. I want you to picture a circle, a small circle, like the size of a marble. And inside that marble is you. You’re the marble. And around that marble around you, is your mindful awareness.
And around that are eight other circles. Each circle representing what we just discussed, moving the body, which is energy and flexibility, surroundings, physical and emotional, personal development, your personal and work life, food and drink, nourishing, and fueling, recharge, sleep and refresh, family, friends and coworkers, which are our relationships, spirit and soul, which is growing and connecting, power of the mind, which is about relaxing and healing. All of these are circling around you. And then there’s another circle around all of that. It’s the conventional and complementary approaches prevention, and treatment. It’s the outside resources that you utilize to contribute to your whole health. And then around that, all around surrounding that is your community.

Victoria Volk: So if you’re feeling isolated, or you’re isolating yourself in your grief or in the challenges that you’re experiencing in your life. I encourage you to reach out to a community of like-minded people who may be struggling with the same things as you, and reaching out, asking for help, seeking the resources and support that you need that will help you to get to where you want to be. And so often, we just don’t know where to start.

Victoria Volk: So I hope this exercise was helpful for you to realize and show you where you might need to start. Because you ought to start somewhere. Thank you so much for listening. I hope you share this. Come back to it whenever you need. And check-in with yourself again, do this in a few months, and see where your numbers are at. And until then, Remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.

Ep 144 Melody & Gracelyn | Luna Peak Foundation: Filling a Gap in Cancer and Grief Support

Melody & Gracelyn | Luna Peak Foundation: Filling a Gap in Cancer and Grief Support

 

SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:

Melody and Gracelyn are an aunt and niece team behind Luna Peak Foundation and Luna Peak Publishing. Through their nonprofit, they publish photography books, engaging workbooks, and children’s books that show people they are not alone in grief.

Their work helps dispel stereotypes about cancer and grief and provides resources for the whole family to help heal. They have donated over 2,000 books to hospitals, therapist offices, schools, and universities.

Nonprofit work aside, Melody and Gracelyn discuss their grief experiences, resulting in the women joining forces to offer grief and cancer support. At age six, Melody was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia and was given a 50% chance of surviving beyond one year; she underwent treatment for the next three years. She’s been a cancer warrior ever since. Gracelyn was inspired to support others after the unexpected loss of her father when she was twenty-six.

Throughout their adversity, Melody and Gracelyn wish people knew they are not alone and that cancer and grief support exists. And that it is possible to smile and laugh again after loss.

RESOURCES:


CONNECT:

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If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.

Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.

CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:

 

Victoria Volk: Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. Today, I’m excited to talk to an aunt, a niece duo, they are Melody and Gracelyn, and they are the team behind Luna Peak Foundation and Luna Peak Publishing. Their work at Luna Peak uplifts, multicultural cancer, and grief survivor stories. Through their nonprofit, they published photography books, engaging workbooks and children’s books that show people that they are not alone. Their work helps just spell, stereotype, about cancer and grief and provides resources for the whole family to help heal. Today, they have donated over two thousand books to hospitals’ therapist office schools and universities. Melody was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia at age six and has been a cancer warrior ever since. She was given a fifty percent chance of surviving one year and underwent treatment for three years until age nine. Being a survivor at a time when not many survived, set Melody on a course to help newly diagnosed cancer patients. Melody studied sociology in art history at the University of California, Irvine. Gracelyn studied sociology at Santa Clara University and received a master’s degree at Columbia University, inspired by the sudden loss of her dad, Gracelyn has built a fund grief community an online platform at snapshots of life after loss. Gracelyn is certified by the David Kessler Grief educator program and is a trained end-of-life doula by the Alua Arthur growing with Grace program. Thank you so much, ladies for being here today.

Melody & Gracelyn: Thank you so much for having us.

Victoria: So I could go into a lot of different directions here to start out, but I just we kinda know understand, like, the backstory of how you both are using your history, your experience, through Luna Peak. But how did you to come together to start it? What was the was there a conversation? Was there a question, like, what was it that sparked the two of you to come together, to share your experiences through your work?

Melody: I’ll take this first. So basically, Luna Peak has been a dream of mine for many, many years before we started it. I just didn’t know how to start a nonprofit and how to do all of these things. And I had a few books even written in some old journals. And I talked to Gracelyn about some of the ideas I had and, you know, how I could, you know, make them work. But then the sudden loss of her dad and her grief kind of sparked us coming together and creating a luna peak foundation because we both wanted to take our difficult experiences and turn it into something beautiful that can help other people. But when Gracelyn finished college and was in the workforce, she had a little bit more knowledge of how to start all these things. And so when we came together, when luna peak was formed,

Victoria Volk: sounds like a dynamic duo because you have that marketing background and Gracelyn. Mhmm. And So how long did it take? Because I’ve talked to a few nonprofits to this up to this point, and it is like this grueling process in the start from the sounds of it. And even when I think about starting a nonprofit, I’m just like overwhelmed.
Like, how did you did was there local resources that you tapped into? What did that those early years look like in starting Luna Peak.

Gracelyn: We kind of started doing this work before everything became official, so it was kind of a rolling basis. Basically Melody’s idea to do a massive photography project of cancer survivors we started all of this and then slowly we realized, okay, we need to set some structure to this and really, you know, make sure to put a foundation in place so that we can continue this work. And then expand it into the grief community as well. So it’s taken a few years. We were a private charity person, then we became a public charity so now we’re officially Luna Peak Foundation Inc. So it’s taken a bit of time, but we rely on our village and we rely on our board members and other people with expertise to come in and help kind of fill in some of those gaps. And we kind of learn as we go. Lot of research. Yeah.

Victoria Volk: What is one piece of advice that you would give to others who wish to start a nonprofit?

Melody: I would say be patient and really think about your mission before for me. Your nonprofit. You like, figure out your why before you would form it. That’s my advice.

Gracelyn: And definitely, make sure that the work that you’re doing is filling in a gap. Make sure that you’re providing something unique in the space. And know how your talents are going to contribute and use that mission to actually make an impact because there’s so many nonprofits out there, but it is really cool to think. Alright. People have figured it out before we can figure it out too.

Victoria: Can you speak to a little bit then how each of you what piece you thought was missing and what individually you bring? What gap are you filling? How do you articulate that?

Melody: Yeah, for me, I’ll speak for myself. I create books that I wish existed when I was sick, that I like, resources that didn’t exist at the time when I was younger. And one of the pieces is multicultural stories. So if I did find any information on childhood cancer, survivor, or anything like that. It just didn’t look like me. So I really wanted to make sure that, you know, there’s a lot of diversity in our books. We make sure that everybody can see themselves in our books. So that’s a piece that I think is unique. And also, Like, for us, we also include families. So we don’t just talk to cancer survivors or cancer fighters or breeders just to them.
We talk to the whole family. Because the whole family’s grieving, the whole family has cancer. So that’s our mission.

Gracelyn: We’re trying to humanize the topics cancer and greed because they’re very scary, but they’re very common experiences. So through showing multicultural stories and especially through the photography that we do. We knew that that was kind of key to impacting people. And people responded really well to seeing the eyes and faces within the photography of people they could relate to because sometimes that’s not out there. Sometimes people wanna just see a story, sometimes will wanna engage with it. Sometimes people wanna share their own story too. But that kind of all unfolded after we started to humanize the topic and really show what people look like. What does cancer look like? What does grief look like? What does grief look like? Ten years from now? Twenty years from now? Those are all questions that we had. And we kind of what about this process in a very curious way. We needed these books then and we need them now. So, you know, we hope that these large-scale photography projects and workbooks for kids, workbooks for adults, workbooks for the siblings of kids with cancer, And sometimes these groups that are oftentimes forgotten. In terms of providing support, we hope that they can feel to work that we do.

Victoria Volk: So if someone were to purchase a workbook, is this something that they do on their own time at home? Is their support as they work through it? How do you support people as they utilize the tools and the resources that you have shared?

Melody: Well, we have a large online community. So people reach out to us constantly via DMs or comments on our pages. We also will do workshops where we’re helping them work through the book. Most of those are in person, but we’ll break it up so that it’s not so overwhelming. It’s not homework. It’s not like you have to do twenty pages a day. You find the page that speaks to you and you work on that page. That’s how we work. But for the most part, I mean, people buy it and they kind of go along on their own, what speaks to them, what they think they need that day. So if they want something that’s snarky and funny to help them heal that day, they find that page. But then there’s some pages that are very much just in remembrance of their person that they lost. Or talking to their doctor or having their doctor sign a book for them. So it varies. Different people

Gracelyn: Different people Different pick the different times. And everybody’s different. Right? You never know what kind of mood you’re gonna be in, but if you pre-open a journal that’s kind of intimidating, so why not have some of these directed prompts? Why not have some humor? Sometimes in your grief, you do just wanna laugh.

Victoria Volk: I’m glad you brought that up in the pre-conversation form that we have, that I share. You had wrote about humor and dark humor, how helpful in healing. And I’m glad that you mentioned that because say, you might say something that other people are just like, oh my god, I can’t believe said that or I can’t you know, but if when you’re in it, it’s like anything to lighten the mood a little bit, to make yourself feel a little bit lighter. And I know for a lot of people who might have that personality of self-deprecating humor, which is kind of my personality a little bit. You know, I might have that sense of humor that many people may not get, but I think it’s important. It helps to I don’t know. I guess, feel lighter. Yeah. I go in the moment, I suppose. But now that we’ve talked a little bit about Luna Peak, I would like to dig a little bit deeper into your individual stories because really that’s how Luna Peak was born. So you had shared about melody about your diagnosis as a child? And how not many children survived? What do you think was the difference for you? I mean, given a fifty percent chance of survival, which I don’t know, you can speak to that too, but in my opinion on that, it’s, you know, we are all statistic of one, like everybody is everybody is different and everybody responds to treatment and all of that differently. And so I think that can be really damaging to the person’s psyche. An adult, not much less a child, to be told that. So can you share a little bit about that experience? And what was happening with your family at that time?

Meldoy: That was very, very time. I’m from a large family. I’m the youngest of five. So it definitely affected everybody. Everybody differently because we’re we have big age gaps.
So some of my siblings were adults when I was diagnosed. So the sibling that was still a child had the worst time with it. But I have to say, like, being a kid, I was six years old, So I kind of didn’t know anything different. I thought treatment was normal. You know, going to the hospital was normal. And I don’t think there’s any rhyme or reason why I survived and somebody else didn’t. It’s luck. I think I was lucky. I think that I was very lucky that I was diagnosed early. My mom felt lymph nodes on my neck and kept on persisting, and the leukemia hadn’t shown up in my bloodstream yet. So it would have been very easy to just say, okay, you know, she’s fine. We’re not gonna go back to the doctor, but my mom persisted. And the cancer was found in my bone marrow and spinal fluid. So luckily, she got those extra tests. So I was diagnosed a lot earlier than I think some kids you know, the diagnosis comes later and then it’s harder to care. But in the eighties, when I was diagnosed, it really was kind of a death sentence. You didn’t you didn’t think you were going to survive at all. And in our neighborhood, there were three kids that had cancer, and I was the one that survived. So, yeah, a lot of survivor guilt with that. So, like, a lot of people be like, what did you do different? It’s like, I didn’t do anything different. I was very lucky. But one thing that I think did help was staying positive and continuing to live life as a normal child as much as I could. So I tried to attend school as much as I could, and I tried to stay with my sport. I was a swimmer. So my parents, you know, would make sure that I was still attending swim meets and swim practice and kind of a little bit of normalcy.

Victoria: Had grief been something that had been a part of your life, up to that point? Or as you were going through your treatment? Like, is that something that was openly talked about in your home?

Melody: So not openly talked about, but experience. A month before I was diagnosed, my grandfather died very quickly from a colon cancer diagnosis. So, you know, my father had to deal with his dad dying and then me being diagnosed in a very short amount of time. So I knew what grief was and I knew that our family kind of suppressed it. You didn’t talk about it. You dealt with it on your own. But, yeah, I had just attended a funeral right before I was diagnosed.

Victoria Volk: Wow. How do you think that experience has evolved with you? Like, how do you feel like you’ve evolved maybe with your grief from that experience over time? Because, I mean, you had obviously, a loss of some childhood there, even though your parents made an effort to make sure that you had as much of the childhood as they as you possibly could. But how do you think that that has how you’ve evolved with that experience over time?

Melody: Yeah. I think that I learned a lot about grief because it was constant. A lot of friends were dying. So I think I learned how to live with it and not fight it. I guess, I’m okay with feeling those feelings. And I think a lot of people try to hide their grief. So I think it was it was good for me to sort of I mean, I don’t wanna say, grow up with grief, but I also had to grieve, you know, my childhood, and my parents had to grieve the child. They thought what they were going to have. Because you think you’re gonna be taking kids to baseball games and you think you’re gonna be taking your kids on vacations, but instead they were taking you to chemotherapy. So there was a lot of grief in our house for sure.

Victoria Volk: My dad was diagnosed with cancer. I was about six. He was given about six months to live. But he lived sixteen months and ultimately he passed away when I was eight. And so I under when you say, like, the whole family grieves, the whole family experiences, the cancer. That’s very true. It’s you know, I wasn’t and we were separated too because his treatment was, like, three hours away. But at that point, there really wasn’t nothing they could do him, but I understand where you’re coming from, how the whole family just experiences it, you know, full on. Right? You bring up a good point with losing other friends, right? Because as a child experiencing cancer and going through cancer, you meet other kids who are going through cancer treatments and things. Just as adults who might connect with other people who are going through cancer treatments and lose friends along the way and you don’t understand, well, why am I still here? And why did they pass away? Children experience that too, and that’s something that really is not talked about. Do you have a resource for helping the parents assist the child and losing other friends to the same thing that they’re maybe not the same thing, but a similar experience.

Melody: One thing that did help me, and this is gonna sound super crazy. I told this story before, so Graceland knows what I’m about to say, but I planned my own funeral at six. So when I was given it in a fifty percent chance of survival, I plan my own funeral, and there was something very empowering about that because I felt like if I died, I knew that things were gonna go the way I wanted them to go. So I chose my plot, which is still sitting there. I made sure that it was overlooking the pool because I wanted to look at my friend swimming.
So I chose my own plot. I chose my own coffin. Like, all of the crazy things that, you know, people go through. After somebody dies, I did it all before. And there’s something very good about being able to I mean, healing. It was healing for me to know that if I wasn’t here, that things were gonna be the way I wanted them to be. And I allocated which toys are going to which friends. So, I know, crazy. But so that was something I would actually, you know, advise people to do if you know that, you know, if somebody says you have six months to live, like, plan it because It does. It feels better. It really does feel better.

Victoria Volk: Now I’m sure people who are listening like me are curious. How did that come about? Like, is that something your parents, like, hey, how would you like to plan your own funeral? Like, how did that come about? Like, is it just, like, you know, were you beyond your years as a six year old you think?

Melody: For sure. Yeah. I don’t know if it was the cancer diagnosis or just who I am, but I felt like I was an instant adult at the moment of diagnosis. I don’t know exactly the moment that came about, but I know that I have a quirky mom that, you know, does things differently. And so it was probably her saying, hey, let’s go, you know. And we live in a really small community in California, and everybody kind of came together to help. So I’m sure that, you know, maybe somebody said, hey, you know, we’ll give you a discount on this or that or, you know, trying to help the family. So maybe that’s how, but I really honestly don’t know what started it, but I know I actually had a really good time doing it.

Victoria Volk: That’s interesting. I would say you’re probably an old soul. So, Gracelyn, I know you mentioned earlier that a father had passed away when you were twenty six. Is he your brother? Melody?

Melody: My brother-in-law.

Victoria Volk: Oh, brother-in-law. Okay. Was that a sudden loss for you or was that kind of expected?

Gracelyn: It was a sudden loss. So I thought I was actually training for a mudrun, and he was on a run. And he had a heart, like, a cardiac event it wasn’t exactly a heart attack. It was an electrical issue with his heart. So it was very sudden. I was in New York at the time. But Melody is here and actually, you know, it’s Melody’s brother-in-law, but really he was kind of a father figure to my aunt as well because we all kind of grew up together. Melody was kind of like the first child in my family because of the age gap between Melody and my mom. So she was kind of raised as their first baby. So we’ve been on family vacations together. We’re all very tight knit. So, yeah, it was a very big shop. It was actually seven years ago this week.

Victoria Volk: Can you speak to what you’ve learned through working with other grievers and survivors of cancer versus maybe survivors of the family left behind due to a sudden loss, like do you have anything specific that you did that helped you and that you have passed along to others that you’ve worked with and and and shared your resources and things with.

Gracelyn: You know, I don’t think anybody could really prepare you for the finality of someone being gone. Whether it’s a sudden loss or an anticipated loss. I mean, just the effect of having somebody there one day and not the next. It’s just wild and it’s so difficult to cope with that emotionally and physically to just you know, that person’s just there’s such a large space. There’s a large space in your heart. There’s a large space just in your vicinity, in your home, just somebody missing from the table. It’s just a very crazy experience, and it’s really difficult to get used to that. But I think having stories of other people learning how to cope with that has helped me I think when I started the process of interviewing and photographing creepers, I was just two years into loss. And I was very much broken. I wouldn’t definitely describe myself as lost as broken. You know, I had already gotten a career started, but when you experience that type of loss, it feels as if the life that you were living is gone. Right? You have to start your new life without them because everything is just reshuffled, all your priorities are different, everything that you thought mattered, maybe doesn’t matter as much anymore or different things matter more now. So, you know, I would describe myself as very very broken and lost and listening to people’s stories. And connecting with people either from my past or even connecting with our own family members was very healing for me. And the more that I started to interview people and get to know their stories and connect with them over this shared loss, the more I figured out, oh, okay, I don’t have to grieve exactly the way that they had grieved, but I can figure it out for myself. And that was kind of a big turning point at least for me. And, you know, even reconnecting with family members who are part of our project, it was crazy because, you know, in the case of even Melody’s dad, not having the opportunity to grieve his own dad while Melody was going through treatment, well, you know, that I was able to reconnect with him and get his grief story through this project. And so each of us with a father loss connecting And this is my grandpa who I’ve always grown up with. And I didn’t hear anything about his grief until, like, I sat hand out, and I learned what it meant for him as a father, you know, as a fatherless father going through other types of adversity in his life and how he started to rebuild.
And, yeah, maybe our stories aren’t completely the same. And I don’t think they have to be the same. To learn how other people have gone through it.

Victoria Volk: I totally one hundred percent agree. And that’s really the why I love this podcast so much because I’m storytelling. Right? People are storytelling. They’re telling they’re sharing their stories. And you’re sharing the stories of others through your photography in the book. I used to be a photographer. So it never occurred to me to, like, capture other people’s stories of grief through photography. Had you had an interest in photography before that project?

Gracelyn: I think I’m known as the person in the family who is like the annoying one who always demands a photo. Yeah. And I think everybody who is annoyed with it until my dad died, and now we’re like, oh, we have so many photos. That’s great, actually. So we’re a very decent eventful type of family. And, you know, it’s not like we were experts before we started this. We weren’t photographers by trade, but you know, we kind of started into it and we just made sure to focus on the eyes and the faces and kinda people bring their mementos to the table and share their story. And I think the point kind of came across as we went through it.

Victoria Volk: One thing I wish I would have done is purchase the book before we got on this call because I would have loved to have paged through it and been able to speak to it myself personally. So I do look forward to checking it out myself. So thank you for that work that you have done and put into that. And both of you for Luna Peak foundation because I’m sure that there are children who are feeling happier and lighter because of the resources that you’ve shared. Like, I’m not alone. Because even as children, they can feel alone and isolated in their grief. And I didn’t ask you yet, Graceland, but was grief something that was talked about in your home growing up?

Gracelyn: Yeah. It wasn’t. And you know, I had experienced a loss of an uncle who actually lived with us. And I think about my dad’s story, my dad had actually lost everyone except for her sister in his immediate family.

Victoria Volk: Okay.

Gracelyn: Very young, actually. So, you know, he had even gone through five different close losses before he passed away, very suddenly. And, you know, he never talked about it. And so that is kind of an interesting element to it and that I’m perpetually curious about that. You know, how did he get through the loss of his dad, his mom, his sibling, another sibling.
You know, how did he get through it? And that’s kind of still a mystery. And so I think part of work is kind of digging into it and, you know, laying bare all of these unspoken pieces of grief and other people’s stories. Because I kinda don’t have any answers myself, and it’s hard to so you actually go through it, which is an unfortunate reality of a lot of people’s grief experiences.

Victoria Volk: You know, I say, like, you know, if you’ve been with the same person for forty, fifty, sixty, seventy years, and, you know, spouses, let’s say they’re married, and one of them passes away. And it’s not uncommon that the other spouse passes away shortly thereafter, and they say, well, he died of a broken heart. Perhaps that is part of it with your dad, that he had so much loss that he didn’t complete those emotions for himself with all of those losses. It wasn’t, you know, something that he just buried and stepped down and, you know, perhaps it was a broken heart. Literally, like, a broken heart. It’s not about digging up the past and hashing everything out. Right? Because all relationships are different and there’s less than loving relationships and there’s loving relationships. But regardless of what kind of relationship you have with your loved ones, there’s gonna be stuff that upsets you and makes you angry and sad and maybe resentful and all of these things and, of course, lots of love and joy in memories too, but that’s, you know, the polarity of life. Right?
So what is your training through the David Kessler grief educator program taught you that you may not have realized before any aha moments through your training and things.

Gracelyn: I think what I found most valuable was the thoughts on children’s grief and how they go through it. Because I lost my dog when I was twenty six and Melody has a lot of experience with grief as a child, but that was something that I wasn’t as familiar with. And to hear some of the stories about what he has done therapy and to think about how play is incorporated into children’s grief and how that can be helpful. For them or how they can compartmentalize on, like, adults can in their grief. They can kind of go in and out of their grief. A lot more than an adult can for example. And so that has helped inform the work that we do in talking to adults. In, you know, hosting these workshops and just being a general resource for people and creating a kids version of our group workbook for example. And it kind of helped us organize some of these pages too because kids do wanna draw. Kids do wanna talk about their memories. They do wanna talk about their loved ones favorite things. And how can we do this and kind of interleave more playful activities in between it? Or how can they use their creativity to unpack their grief experience? And even if they might not fully understand what grief is, they’re still grieving. So how can we do this in a very honest way and invite them and welcome them to start to process their emotion? And so I found that to be really useful. From the grief educator program.

Victoria Volk: I think it’s important to mention too that the parents or the caretakers or caregivers of the children are open to their children talking about their loss and their grief because for a lot of parents in that situation, let’s say they lost their parent. The child lost their grandparent. There I’ve personally heard of situations where the parent does not want the child to bring up the grandparent because it sets them or it makes them sad or whatever. And but really, it’s not about you, the parent. Right? Like, and maybe that’s part of the lesson here is that if you’re not willing and open to talk about your own feelings and your own grief, your child is not going to feel safe talking about their own. I’m certified through the grief recovery institute and there’s these six myths of grief and one of them is you know, a few of them don’t feel bad. Replace the loss. Grieve alone. And these are things that we learn that is emulated by our parents and caregivers of how to how to deal with grief when something happens. Like, they don’t talk about it, so I guess I can’t talk about it or I’m told not to talk about it. So now I gotta go grieve alone. Right? And so we I can speak to that personally as a child who lost a parent as a child. There has to be space for children to let that go and to express it. And so I love that your program incorporates that, but the parents really do have to be open to that to their child having that experience and sharing it with them. Otherwise, they grew up a griever as an adult that’s like many of many people walking around stuffing their feelings and not talking about it. Right? So I’m glad that as a society, I think we’re getting better at this. I think we’re getting better as adults sharing and talking and communicating and demystifying death and dying even too. Right? Like, it doesn’t have to be this even as an end of life, Dula, which you are a trained in a life dual as well. So am I? It’s so much in common. It’s important that we are able to have those discussions of what is important to us at end of life to there are so many things we could talk about here, but what piece of advice that you would give a young adult who has experienced a loss of a parent or someone significant. I know you had mentioned the things that helped you, but if people aren’t sure what to do or where to turn, what would you suggest?

Gracelyn: I love saying that, you know, you can carve your own path I think everything is shopping after loss and the change just keeps coming. And the sooner that you can roll with the punches and welcome those changes, the sooner you’ll be able to cope with it in a healthy way. I think not a lot of people understand at least from the outside, when you go through grief, it’s not just the grief of your person. There is an entire ripple effect. And it affects your whole family, it affects your whole network, your job, where you physically are, just so many things can also change and so many different secondary losses that come with it. And I think there’s so many stereotypes and I think as a griever, there’s so much dancing around uncomfortable topics and not making other people uncomfortable with what you’re going through. And it’s okay to carve your own path, and it’s okay if you end up doing something, you had no idea that you would be doing. I mean, I’m really shocked by everything that we’ve created. And this is just kind of where my life has led me, but I think my dad would have I was crazy for quitting my day job and for quitting a very stable day job in corporate America to, you know, just try this out. So, you know, it’s okay that your life might look different. It should look different after loss. And I think part of embracing that change is honoring the fact that the loss has occurred. And to acknowledge it, why would your life look the same when some of you that you love so much is gone? So Yeah. I guess it’s twofold. Be okay with carving carving your own path and be okay with the changes that just keep coming.

Victoria Volk: My last guest on the podcast, she said something that was very poignant. It’s very simple. How do I want this to change me? Because we do have a choice. You know, it can really derail our entire lives. Loss and grief can derail our entire lives. We can base our choices and our decisions of that emotional weight that we carry or we can do something about it. So thank you so much for what you guys have created. And I want to ask to, what do you feel like are the gaps right now that you see still in the grief and end-of-life space?

Melody: I think that talking about it is always going to be a gap. So that’s why I’m very proud of Gracelyn’s snapshots of life after loss on Instagram because she’s created a community of people that can talk. So seeing other people talk triggers you to talk and tell your story and hearing other people’s story. So it’s this like she said, it’s this ripple effect. So I do think that, you know, storytelling is important. And what you’re doing is important. And, you know, I do think that the gap is finding someone or finding other people that are like you that are grieving similar losses as you that connection. So I think the connection is needed. And there has been so much progress with celebrities talking about grief, grief in

Gracelyn: the news, especially with COVID. There’s so much more talk about grief, which is, you know, incredible and you see so many creative people using their unique talents to draw, to create films about grief in a very real way documentaries, and that’s been a really awesome thing to see. I mean, we’ve been doing this for about five years, but you know, still more keeps coming out and I love seeing that. It’s really empowering even for me as a brief creator, if you will. But, you know, we always need more stories of men talking about their grief. We need more stories of people talking about their grief when they grew up not having grief. Great resources. One of the people in our project is actually a family friend. He’s holding it down as sixty six years after loss. So we have, like, a whole range of people who talk about their loss, and it ranges from one to sixty six years. But, you know, to even have somebody come to the table who had no resources to then share about six decades worth of grief and what he went through. The more that we get these stories and we get men, we get people who are of different generations talking about you know, the landscape and what resources they had and what wisdom that they have to share. The better we’re all better off hearing the experiences of someone who can relate to and, you know, and then learn from people who have a different background. So we just hope that there is a lot more age diversity cultural diversity, gender diversity, all the diversity, I think we’re all better off. You know, seeing and hearing those types stories.

Victoria Volk: Was it just you or are you the only child in your family, or did you have a sibling that you experienced the loss of your father with?

Gracelyn: I have a brother. Yeah. He’s older.

Victoria Volk: Did it bring you closer together?

Gracelyn: Yeah. We were very tight knit. I would say we’re a very, very close family, which is why it’s been hard to go from a family of four to that kind of rebalancing act of going to you know, become a family of three. But, yeah, we’ve gone through so much together and, you know, it’s really shed some light on all the different types of loss and grief that you can go through. And I really see him as a companion in my grief, and I’m thankful that we’re actually five years apart, so he’s five years older. And he has more memories than I do with my dad, and sometimes he helps fill in those gaps for me. And even though we’re both adults when it happens, you know. Mhmm. Still those five years are five years of, you know, more he knew about my dad, and I’m really thankful that he is a friend in this process. He is my best friend. Yeah.

Victoria Volk: Do you highlight also stories of people who may not have had someone die, but still have experienced maybe estrangement or maybe they were adopted and they don’t know who their parents are situations like that. Do you address or do you highlight all types of loss? Or is it mostly people that have experienced the death of a loved one?

Melody: So far, it’s only been the death of a loved one, but we acknowledge all types of grief, obviously. And where we have a few things in the works that will expand on types of greed and types of loss, but it’s still more loss than you know, grieving something, you know, grieving a change in your life or something like that.

Victoria Volk: How would you to define grief?

Melody: I guess, for me, I mean, this it’s a common saying that brief comes and waves. So it’s a feeling that’s ever-changing. It’s a constant changing feeling for me and we talk about moments of grief that come and go and those moments even change. You know, we feel like memories. So you hear a song about your person on the radio. And sometimes that song will make you cry, but sometimes that song will make you happy. So there’s, you know, creep I guess there’s no definition for me. It really is just an ocean. Grief is an ocean.

Victoria Volk: How about you, Gracelyn?

Gracelyn: I think it’s just a part of you. I think it’s something that is just forever than there. Like almost physically, it’s just a part of your body that’s just always on you. One of our participants actually said that he was under the influence of grief, and we really loved. We really loved that quote because It’s just and that kind of just comes over you, you know, in good ways and in bad ways and everything in between, but we thought that was, like, a really good way to explain how grief just kind of overtakes you sometimes.

Victoria Volk: That really could be a really snarky and funny bumper sticker. Is there anything else that you would like to share about Luna Peak Foundation or Luna Peak Publishing? Or about your stories?

Melody: You know, I like to tell people that when you know a griever, it’s I we get this question the most, actually. Like, my friends, you know, dad just died. What should I do for them? You know, because we wanna help our friends or, you know, our companions that are dealing with grief, but often people don’t know how to help. And since everyone briefed you have to know the person, but I feel like Gracelyn’s book, our book beyond wreath, is probably one of the best things to give to a new griever. Because they have so many resources in one place. They can find someone that is similar to them or how many years out of grief because one thing we want to know is what is grief like five years from now, ten years from now. And you can find that in the book. And I certainly don’t like getting flowers for deaths or for grief because, I don’t know, the smell of the flowers, like, reminds me of funerals. It reminds me of death because the flowers die. So I like to give our book. Obviously, I do, but I tell people, like, something that’s tangible that they can hold and they can keep with of them is better than a bouquet..

Victoria Volk: That’s great tip. I just wanna share a resource with you both through the grief recovery institute, the founder of the grief recovery institute co-authored a book called the grief recovery handbook but in that book, they define grief as the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations, and anything that you wish would have been different, better, or more. And for me, that, like, totally rings true for I mean, that covers all kinds of grief. Right? I mean, loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations. I mean, I can be for relationships. I can be for your life. It can be your career, money, like all sorts of things. So I just wanted to share that resource with you both that that book exists and there’s also when children Grieve is another book that they have. But yes, I think the more people that do this work, the better off society is no matter how you bring it about, no matter how you share it, whether it’s through photography or through workbooks or there’s so many resources now that, like you mentioned, before, did not exist. Twenty, thirty years ago. I know for me as a child griever nobody knew what to do. Nobody knew what to say, so nobody did anything. Nobody said anything. You know? And like you said, when children, you know, children can come in and out of their grief and they can compartmentalize, like, don’t assume that just because a child is not exhibiting sad or, you know, anger behavior or something. You know, like, I was a wall like, I was a wallflower. Like, I was very shy and kept to myself and some children just experience it differently or express it differently, like, you know, they say, you know, too, like, children that are exhibiting, like, anger or aggressive behavior. They’re just hurting that’s a child hurting, you know. And so we just we label them kids as bad kids or good kids, you know. And so I think we need to get away from those labels instead of asking what’s wrong with you, maybe what happened to you, you know? So thank you for the resources that you’ve created and have put out into the world and what you have to come. So what Can you share a little bit what you’re excited about right now?

Gracelyn: I actually just brought her our sample of the grief workbook for kids. So we’re working on that. But a lot of what we do is we bring care packages and books to kids and hospitals. So for pediatric, cancer boards, we bring them some of Melody’s resources and her children’s books and the workbook and the photography books. And so we’re getting those all into Spanish as well.

Victoria: Oh that’s nice

Gracelyn: So that’s kind of one of our, you know, big parts of our mission is to make these books accessible for people and to make this learn being in education and processing accessible for everyone, so especially in the LA area where we are. We like to donate all of these books to hospitals, so we’re working on those new books. Yeah.

Victoria Volk: I love that. And I’m also told or we had talked about it before that you’ll have discount code for the week after the episode airs? Yes.

Gracelyn: So the code will be grieving voices in all caps. And everyone will get 15% off when you use that code.

Victoria Volk: Off of a book. Right?

Gracelyn: Yes.

Victoria Volk: Yes. Okay.

Gracelyn: Then that’ll be through our website, which is lunapeakpublishing.com.

Victoria Volk: And I will put that information in the show notes as well as along with the dates. So we have that perfect. And anything else you would like to share?

Melody: Just that you’re never alone. You know, you walk past a grieve every single day and you don’t even know it.

Victoria Volk: That’s true. And you don’t know what people are physically dealing with, right? Because sickness and illness can doesn’t show up all the time with a bald head. Right?

Gracelyn: Right.

Victoria Volk: You know, compassion. Let’s give some compassion. And light in the world. We need it for sure. One more question. What has your grief taught you?

Melody: I mean, I think what I just said that you’re not alone, you know, finding other creepers. You know, it taught me that there is no right way to grieve.

Gracelyn: The same for me as well. And I think I figured out that sharing can be healing, whether you’re sharing with yourself. And acknowledging those feelings or sharing with a community or sharing it a book. It was through that ripple full effective healing that we figured out our path as a nonprofit, actually. It was through having cancer survivors share their story with another cancer survivor and to have that really quick bond with someone and to see kind of the healing happened there. In addition to putting their story in a book and elevating their voice and having that heal the readers. We like to call that the ripple effect of healing, and that’s kind of continued with the grief book as well. And it was through other people sharing their stories even with me as the editor that really helped me heal. So I’m really thankful to have discovered that. It’s okay to acknowledge this, and it’s okay to, you know, give some power back the grief experience even though people might not wanna talk about it. It’s okay to share and it’s okay to find those people and the community that understands you.

Victoria Volk: Very important. Thank you so much. I love this conversation. I like what you guys are doing and sharing with the world. And I appreciate your time, both of you for being here today. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.

Ep 143 Laurie-Ann Murabito | An Eternal Optimist

Laurie-Ann Murabito | An Eternal Optimist

 

SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:

Being an eternal optimist means always looking on the bright side and having hope, no matter what obstacles might attempt to push you off your path.

Some people may not necessarily be eternal optimists. However, they’ve become incredibly good at reframing a challenging situation for the better.

I would say I am more of a “reframing” type. However, this week’s guest, Laurie-Ann, can remember being an eternal optimist since she was a little girl. And as I dug more deeply during our conversation, it was discovered that being the strong one for those around her was a behavior emulated by her mother as she grew up.

Laurie-Ann shares about the loss of her mother very recently to cancer and the death of her first husband, where she found herself a widow at age 36 before they even reached their first anniversary. She additionally shares a funny story about her father. A bike accident caused him to go blind in one eye. However, that did not deter her from offering her father a little perspective, probably when he needed it most.

We all have a story to tell. Laurie-Ann helps others tell their stories through authentic storytelling. Loss has shaped her as a speaking coach and how she shows up on stage and writes her speeches. But perhaps, her optimistic energy has helped her stay grounded in the one thing she knows how to do and what she does best – reframe the weave the worst of stories into a tapestry of gold.

RESOURCES:

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Victoria Volk: Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. Today, my guest is Laurie Ann Muirbito, She is a public speaker. But first, I wanna share if you listened last week that I was going to change how I was gonna run this podcast a little bit. Forgoing the whole format of focusing on nonprofits and things, And I’m just gonna go with the flow and share content that I feel is on my heart or mind for that week what I feel I wanna talk about, who I’m speaking with, just go with the flow. So that’s how I’m going to move forward with this podcast, and I’m excited to say that the first conversation for this newly decided format is with Lori Anne. And so I’m going to have her fully introduce herself, and thank you for being here.

Laurie-Ann Murabito: Thank you. So I am a reformed painfully shy girl who couldn’t even make eye contact who accidentally became a professional speaker. Funny story there. And I spoke on leadership and corporate engagement and would help companies and worked with a lot of the Fortune five hundred and one thousand companies. And then I just got tired of hopping on airplanes. And it was all because of a text message that I took a little bit of a pivot to help entrepreneurs such as yourself, new coaches, Victoria, to start leveraging speaking opportunities to grow their audience and fill out their programs. Because there are so many opportunities for all of us to be sharing our story and our solution with more people.

Victoria Volk: And so thank you for being here. And before I forget, what was the text? You can’t throw that out there and not share what the text was.

Laurie-Ann Murabito: That’s true. The text message was Lori and Do you write speeches? The people. And the answer was no. But because I kinda knew her, I said, I’ll help you.
And We met for coffee, and she was, like, three years away from retiring from her government job. And at that point, you will stand on your head for three more years to finish out your time. But I helped her craft a presentation because she had a side hustle that was kind of going to become her retirement hustle, if you will. And she was a stylist a personal stylist. And she had been successfully losing money for five years. Her husband said, you can’t do this when you retire. And so I was like, oh, I’ll teach you how to get booked. I’ll teach you how to write a presentation that’s compelling. Captivating and most importantly converting. And after her very first presentation, she walked away with two referrals to two other places to speak and three full-paying clients. In my books, that was a home run, and I that I was like, wonder if other coaches and consultants would like to know what I do and how to leverage speaking opportunities. And that’s how I kinda, like, got into the spot.

Victoria Volk: It was kind of a happenstance conversation for me too. Someone said, well, you wrote a book about grief, didn’t you? And I was totally looking to assist business owners, entrepreneur, solo entrepreneur, in just, like, one off conversations of how to, like, where are they stuck? And that’s what I was working towards, and this and she said that to me and I’m like, well, yeah, I did. It didn’t even occur to me that grief was something that I knew inside out. And so I’m glad that I asked about that text because oftentimes people ask us for what they need, right, that they know that we can offer them And if you are have experienced a lot of grief in your life, you have knowledge, you have wisdom, you have hinds the gift of hindsight to reflect on your life. And so what and you often ask yourself, what do I really wanna do? And the hint may be in what people are asking of you.

Laurie-Ann Murabito: Yes. You have to listen very carefully.

Victoria Volk: So thank you for sharing that story. You actually are my speaking coach and it was kind of a no-brainer the last time we spoke to have you on as on my podcast because you’ve had a lot of loss and recent loss, big losses. And what struck me is that I didn’t even know your mother had passed away. I knew she was sick, but when we got on her call, I didn’t know she had passed away because you were still showing up. You’re still showing up for me and the other people that are in our mastermind. And I had no idea. I was like, none the wiser. And people might from the outside might say, oh, you’re so strong and say all these myths about grief, and are you really okay? They’re expecting you to fall apart too. So can you just share, like, your reflection on the well, first of all, let’s let’s start yeah. We’ll just I’ll let you take this.

Laurie-Ann Murabito: I’ll just share that. I’m not the sort of person to oh, my mother just died and put that out on social media and make the big announcement. My husband kind of did so. He put it out and he was like he put my mother’s obituary out there. But I’m not that sort of person. Probably because I don’t feel that I needed to have all of these people say, oh, I’m so sorry for your loss, when it was actually a beautiful experience. So my mother was diagnosed on Victoria, you don’t know this. Well, you know part of this. My mother was diagnosed with leukemia and like, sometime around February, March, there was a lot of tests that were going on. And my mother lives in Ohio. So she lives about a 12-hour drive away from where me and two of my other sisters are. And she lives close to one of my sisters. Who was taking her to the doctor’s appointment. And so and literally, on March 23rd, they’ve got the final diagnosis. My sister in Ohio called to share the news. And that my mother was going to proceed with chemotherapy. So, and she did well on the chemo. Until she just started to get too tired and she was tired of being tired. She was tired of being weak. She was tired of, like, she couldn’t even go to the bathroom by herself. And it was at that point that she was, like I’m just I’m done. I’m done with the treatments. I’m done with the blood work. I’m done with the getting platelets. I mean, she was literally had to get blood transfusions probably twice a week. Wow. Yeah. So that’s a little too frequent. She just decided she was like, I’m just done. So it’s a death can actually be a beautiful experience. And I have experienced one death prior my life got it back in 2004, and it was my first husband. And we hadn’t even been married that long. But again, both of them were a form of cancer. So it wasn’t a car accident. It wasn’t something that was really sudden. I knew it was going to happen. So I think when it’s gonna happen, like one I could step into being the person that my mother needed me to be, which was somebody who was strong, somebody who was smiling. Like me and my sisters, like, we just weren’t sad. It was, like, I mean, yes, it’s a sad experience. But it can also be really, really beautiful. And I don’t know, like, where I’m going with this story now. But the funny thing is so my sister made that phone call on March twenty third, twenty twenty two. My mother passed away on March twenty third. Twenty twenty three. Wow. Exactly one year. And I actually and I personally love the date that you died on three Twenty three. Twenty three. Just like mom to make her mark. Mhmm. But it can be sad if you decide that it’s going to be sad and traumatic, but it can also be really beautiful. And I chose to see it as a beautiful experience. I mean, I wouldn’t have wanted to have gotten the phone call that said, mom passed away. Moms you know, Mom’s mom’s dead. I was there. Listening to her, take her final breaths. And I found so much comfort. I mean, we were playing music, like my mother’s was had a very strong faith. So we’re playing a lot of these Christian songs that we knew that she’d love. And I remember telling my sister, can you she just lower it? Because I just wanted to hear her breathe. Yeah. Because sooner or later, it was like she was going to like, it was gonna be that last breath.

Victoria Volk: Eyes are just swelling up.

Laurie-Ann Murabito: Mine too.

Victoria Volk: As a trained end of life do a lot, that is the goal and the mission to help families foster and nurture that desire for their loved one to have a death that is honoring their wishes and a death with dignity and respect and however they want that to look like. So had she expressed. I mean, obviously, she had a sense of agency where she was like, I’m done with treatment. And some family can get really up set by that, like, why aren’t you fighting? Why aren’t you trying? Like that can cause a lot of conflict in families when someone chooses that for themselves. But every family dynamic is different and every relationship is different. But it seemed that she was exhibiting her sense of agency from the moment she felt she needed to.

Laurie-Ann Murabito: Yeah. And we as her daughter’s really look at it. It was like, what do you want mom? So we were constantly trying to honor her wishes and I remember, like, the moment, like like, okay. Let’s bring in hospice and they will explain everything to us. We’re also very blessed that one of my sisters is a registered nurse and actually does infusion therapies for people that are really ill. She goes to their home and gives them medicine. So to have somebody like my sister just like constantly monitoring and looking at the numbers, and she just knew where my mom was even if mom didn’t know where she was, And when I and when I say it was, like, it’s not that she didn’t know, like, her surroundings, but I’m talking about, like, diagnostically, like, what like, blood count numbers, what that actually meant. And so, I mean, so, like, having my sister, it was almost like, the adviser in the family, like, everybody was constantly looking to her, but we didn’t still opt for hospice so that my sister, the nurse, could be her daughter, and not her nurse, not her caretaker. And we think we thought that we were gonna be at the hospice house a lot longer than we actually were. We’re only there for two and a half days. Oh, wow. Yeah. I mean, when we when I tell you that, like, we packed snacks for days. For some reason, we thought we were gonna be there a while. Yeah.

Victoria Volk: Wow. How was this loss different for you in a lot of ways from your husband’s passing?

Laurie-Ann Murabito: My husband’s passing was really the first major death that I’ve ever experienced. And I was thirty-six and found myself a widow. I think, again, I was able to just put myself into the person that he needed me to be and honoring his wishes. And I’ll tell you a funny story. Because music is very uplifting for me. And I must have gone out, and this was literally like the day before he passed, and he passed very fast. I had gone to the market for something listening to some very upbeat music. So I come in the house and I’m smiling and upbeat and bouncy if my husband says to me. He says, you’re awfully upbeat for a woman who’s about to lose her husband. And I went, Mm-mm. Yeah. So would you like and I constantly was doing this throughout our marriage. I was always giving him choices. So would you like me to be sad and crying? Or would you like me to be smiling and laughing? And he chose to be smiling and laughing, and I said, okay, you got it. So your wish is my commands, basically. And that’s how I would just be. I just felt like I had to be this because he was constantly looking at me for clues, for, like, where am I? Again, health-wise, should I be afraid? And I was always like if I showed, like, no fear, like, you’re doing great. Everything is going according to plan on, then he would react And then his family, his brother, and sister, and daughter would also react the same way too. Like, everybody’s just feeding off of each other’s energy. So I just stepped into just being like, like, you’re doing great. Like, and that’s how I was throughout his illness. And my family didn’t even know that he was as sick as he was because it was always like, how is Bob? And I’m like, who’s great? But then great turned into good. Good turned into okay until my sister, the nurse, called one day and said, how are you doing? And I said about as good as a woman can be when her husband’s dying. My sister was like, what? Like, it’s just not something that I talked about because he was still in the mode at that time of fighting. He felt that it was part of his responsibility to because he was also the older brother, to be around for his siblings, to be around for his daughter, to be that role model. So it wasn’t until he made the decision. He was like, I’m tired. I said, okay. Well, like, like, little hospices next. So I think because of having that experience and when he took his last breath, that’s when I kind of got this new belief about death that it is as beautiful as life. Now, I’ve never had children myself but me and aunt and seeing my sisters have children I saw how beautiful like this experience was. And to me, like, It was as beautiful that I could be there with him as he departed from this world. So having that experience, it was like, here I am, I’m 55 and just lost my mom. So I was able to kinda tap into that same energy. And that experience to use with my mom. And we had a good time in her final days. My mother was hilarious. Tried a great sense of humor.

Victoria Volk: Did you not let people see your fear? Did you not let people see like, in the quiet moments, like, when you’re sitting on the toilet or when you’re driving, like, is that when, like, you just let it out? Like, when did you let it out?

Laurie-Ann Murabito: In the shower.

Victoria Volk: In the shower.

Laurie-Ann Murabito: That’s when I would cry in the shower. I would cry when I was when I was driving. Yeah. When yeah. When people couldn’t see me. Because, again, I guess, like and I’m the oldest. So I feel like that sense of responsibility to be that role model. And like, four others. So if I can be strong they don’t have anything to, like, worry about. So there are pros and cons to that sort of behavior, certainly. And But it also makes me the eternal optimist.

Victoria Volk: I was gonna say you must have positivity in your top ten and your u map. Fire I had to take the assessment. I bet you have positivity up there.

Laurie-Ann Murabito: Well, my dad had a major accident on his bicycle. And so this happened, like Bob passed away. It was after Bob had passed away like, several years. And had a massive head injury med flighted to Boston, that sort of injury. And so ended up being blind in his right eye. Even though he’s wearing a helmet, he just hit a rock just right underneath his helmet. So my dad’s blind in his right eye. But meaning the eternal optimism, I think I sent this to him, in the hospital, if not, shortly after I was like, I was like, dad, that’s why you got two eyes, two arms, two legs, two kidneys, several lungs, slopes. I was like, stop it. Stop complaining about that you’re blinding your right eye. You got another one. Again, internal optimist

Victoria Volk: Perspective. Right. It can accept I mean, it’s like being kept and obvious, but But it’s also, like, just to give someone perspective. Like, it  — Mhmm. — it could be worse. Right? It yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Laurie-Ann Murabito: It could have been a whole lot worse. And if anything with my dad because the front part of your brain is where your personality is, His personality changed. My father is the typical engineer. And as a result of getting hit in the head, he’s way more talkative. Really? Maybe we’re to oh, yeah. Had my sisters and I known this? We’d hit them in the head a long time ago. And I use that story in my speaking. Yes.

Victoria Volk: Perfect segue. So how has your speaking transformed from, because you were a public speaker before your husband, Bob?

Laurie-Ann Murabito: Yes.

Victoria Volk: And so how has that shifted and changed and how have you grown as a public speak speaker since you’ve experienced a grief and loss that like you’d have.

Laurie-Ann Murabito: More authentic — Mhmm. — more urgency, because life is short. I think a lot of us know that, but we don’t really know that. We understand it, but we don’t actually put that understanding into action. So he was here and he was in my life and I was in his life for a reason. So what was I going to do now as a result of like, wow, like just seeing the evidence that life is so short. Because he did die really young. And I just had that sense of urgency, like, why am I hanging around? Why am I just waiting. Why am I playing small? What if I just went all out? Because like, what if I only had another six months to live? And my mother was very fortunate to live to almost 80. And in those final days and weeks and months, I mean, like, to have, like, some of these conversations that her night should have had a long time ago. And I remember her saying to me something about, like, we wasted so much time because we didn’t have this a particular conversation. And I said, that’s okay. We’re gonna live a lifetime of our relationship in a short period of time. That’s all. Like, here’s what we got. Again, the eternal optimist kind of came out then also. So in my speaking, like, I really do share deeper stories, not these superficial stories. I’ll share myself. I mean, I’ve spoken on days that one time in particular I spoke in Boston, on the anniversary that, well, that my husband and I would have shared our wedding anniversary. So I’ve shared about that because then people really get to know really get to know me that I’m not just some stick figure up there that’s like talking about leadership and but I get to be like a lot more honest. A lot more honest even like with my private clients also. It’s like, here’s who I am. Here’s some of my loss. Like, my life has not been peachy came. It’s like the social media. Everybody thinks that everybody’s life looks so perfect. And that’s what I should be striving for when it’s like, no. It’s full of tears and some hurts and some disappointment. Am I disappointed that my husband and I didn’t even make it to our first anniversary? Yeah. I was. But what I did was I made the best of the situation. And I’ll problem. Me and my sisters will do the same thing with my mom. And what I mean by that is so my husband and I were married on March 6. He passed away on November 1st. So when March 6 rolled around, I had a cocktail party at my house. Filled with some people that I that I chose. And it was just to, like, celebrate that him and I, like, we got married a year ago. And then on November 1st, again, I had another cocktail party in my house, and it was filled with the people who had supported me in that past year. And I remember that time people saying, somebody had said, because everybody always stands around in the kitchen. Like, Laurie-Ann, who are all these people? And I literally went around the room and I not only named who they were, but this is what you did. For me and supported me or Bob, like, in the past year. And just kinda I knew that I had to change the date. The meaning of the day. Mhmm. And so that’s why I had the cocktail party. So my mother’s birthday is August 14th, and I know that we will one sister is already gonna be out of town, but I’ll probably have coconut cake. That was my mother’s favorite. Nothing fancy. It’s a pepperidge farm or nothing. My mother had to have pepperidge farm coconut cake. And I will have coconut cake in my mother’s honor.
Mhmm.

Victoria Volk: I don’t know if that.

Laurie-Ann Murabito: And then come March twenty-third, I’m sure me and my sisters will do something fun also. So I just think that grief gets to be what you want it to be. This is what you talk about all the time Victoria’s about. How to do grief differently. So let me share with you going to the funeral home. I remember my mother’s pretty funny. And me and my sisters all got her sense of humor. So we must have been giggling as we were walking up the steps. And it’s a Friday afternoon. Mom passed away on Thursday night. And he opens the door and just we go into his office, we sit at this table, this wooden table, it’s me and my sisters that are kind of in a semicircle and he’s on the other side and he says, this reminds me of growing up. Me and my four older sisters, not that you guys enrolled because I think I’m the oldest one, and that started it. We were in his office for ninety minutes. Laughing. The tissues that we had that he had on like, we weren’t crying. They were tears of joy or laughter. And he’s asking us questions about my about our mom, and we’re like, some of the questions, like, we actually didn’t know the answer. I remember hearing them, like, where did my mother go to when did you graduate high school? We were like, shit. I don’t know. I don’t know. So now we’re texting my aunt, her sister. Who’s her remaining the only remaining person in her family now. We’re texting her and I label it as, we’re doing funeral trivia. Funeral trivia. Okay? So these so so you sort of get a sense of what this was like, ninety minutes were laughing. So he was trying to ask all this information because he’s going to write the typical obituary. But my sister one of my sisters loves to write. And I’ve done a lot of copy classes. So we decided that we’re going to write it instead, and it was hilarious. It had lusilism and my mother loved Yazzi and some just some phrases that she constantly said, Well, my aunt, when she said when she read the obituary, she said, you guys are hired. You’re writing mine when I need one. But the funeral director he was expecting something like that because we send it to him, like, it’s not your typical obituary. He was, like, I wouldn’t spectatistical one from you for you girls. So he was just he really helped I love the fact that he was so he just mirrored us instead of, well, you’re supposed to be sad. Are you guys just avoiding this and, like, we weren’t avoiding anything? We knew that it was coming. And I think he also just made us feel that it was okay for us just to laugh. Now for anybody who’s listening, I mean, don’t think that we didn’t have our breakdowns. I certainly had my moments that I would say I’m not proud of. Just we’re not gonna get sad and said things that I like, in hindsight, it was just like, oh, god. Why didn’t I say that to that person? So there’s a lot of forgiveness. Forgiveness of ourselves. That’s something that I know that you talk about a lot.

Victoria Volk: I can see my siblings and I kind of doing a similar thing when we have the right obituary for my mom. Someday. She’s going to be 80, but she still works. And she’s a firecracker of a lady and she’s like the type of person you hear her before you see her. Gotcha. Yeah. She doesn’t know a stranger. Anywhere. Yeah. It just makes me reflect on how I can see us trying to I mean, it’s one last way to honor the person too, right, to kind of bring their personality into how you want them to be remembered and things like that. Yeah. So thank you for sharing that. And also that there is, like, you can be positive and you can try to support others in making light of the situation, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t have your own moments. Right? And the and the privacy of your own heart, and there’s a lot of people like that. I’m like that. Like, I try to keep it to not to myself. Like, I let it out, but I like to let it out in private because — Yeah. — and were you like that as a kid too? Like, I they had to send search parties out for me. At one time they did because I was in the linen closet. When I was upset or sad or I was crying, I would go and hide to cry. Under the bed and I’d fall asleep wherever I laid, whether it was the kitchen cupboard and where the cereal was. Which was one time or in the linen closet or under my bed, which was

Laurie-Ann Murabito: Oh my gosh.

Victoria Volk: That’s but I think, too, And this is where I wanna talk about this aspect of it too. It’s the myths of grief, like one of two of them are, grief alone, and another is be strong. And so this stuff is taught to us as children. And so can I ask growing up? Was that how grief was mirrored for you or shown how you respond. How was grief taught to you? When you’re growing up.

Laurie-Ann Murabito: I think the short answer is I don’t know.

Victoria Volk: Mhmm.

Laurie-Ann Murabito: But to answer the question, I think, watching my parents who are like growing up. You just think like that’s the way that life is. There’s so much that happens. In family dynamics that we don’t like, I wasn’t sort of person that question much. I observed I’m a really good observer. My father, the engineer, I remember a close uncle of his passing, and I did I do remember my father crying. As soon as he got off the phone, I was too young when his dad passed. To really remember that, but I do remember the uncle. And I do remember my mother bringing me to, like, wakes as a young girl. And I did think it was I thought it was weird. Like, I think the first one that my mother brought me to was a young girl who had was a somebody that she worked with, and their daughter, I think, had drowned. So it was a young person. Wow. So I don’t know if it was my mom’s way of just saying like, hey, like, this is just like what happens in life. But my mother was also the sort of person who didn’t deal well with any feelings that were other than happy and joyful. So she stuffed her feelings down. So maybe that’s where I learned that whole modeling thing, model your strength, and just be happy. So it wasn’t something that I don’t know how to answer that because I don’t

Victoria Volk: remember that I did. I think you guys did.

Laurie-Ann Murabito: Thank you. Because of a coach and having gone through coaching, education and having coached a lot of people, like one the death of my first husband. So those were choices that I made. I decided. I decided that I didn’t wanna have any regrets.
I do remember that decision. I did not wanna have any regrets when he passed. So if that meant making the really fattening shrimp alfredo, which he absolutely loved, if it meant like having that like night after night, then that’s what I would do. If it meant having ice cream after a dock appointment instead of going and getting a decent lunch. Well, that’s what we did. I didn’t wanna have any regrets and that kind of meant, hey, what do you want? What do you wanna eat? What do you wanna do today? And just kind of making his final days and final moments joyful? And so I kinda did that with my mom too. She loved Arby’s especially during Lent. They had, like, the fish sandwich and and she loved their fries. So what do you think we did on Fridays? It was, like, We had to go get the fish sandwich. And it was really good, but just to see her enjoy eating it. Is it the healthiest thing? No. But who cares? Because the following day, it was like, mom, what do you wanna eat? I mean, she the woman was barely eating.
Mhmm. Just like I want a fish sandwich. Great. Texas Sifter. Pick up a fish sandwich.
I’m your way here.

Victoria Volk: So when she decided to stop treatment, did she start to feel like she could actually, like, live life a little bit?

Laurie-Ann Murabito: Because it was leukemia. I mean, she didn’t have a whole lot of time from the time that she decided. So it was literally like within seven days. We had a meeting on a Friday night knowing that come monday, mom, you gotta get platelets. Because it would give her a little bit of extra time. And actually, I might be getting my dates all messed up because I know she ended up in the hospital on Sunday night. So I remember it was just like, we’re gonna get you platelets before we, like, sign papers for that because it would give her a couple of days. And, I mean, leukemia can be a really an ugly death, and we are so fortunate that my mother she just stopped breathing. So it really wasn’t that much time. But she did end up in the hospital and she was like, I want it, I’m done. And so because she was in the hospital and she was saying, I’m done, she also can’t stay in the hospital because basically she was refusing care.

Victoria Volk: Right.

Laurie-Ann Murabito: So she got discharged to a hospice facility. And I gotta tell you, like, every step of the way, the people who picked her up in the ambulance, they were so amazing. This isn’t like this male and female, and they were kind of bickering back and forth. It was really kind of funny. I mean, it was just perfect for my mom. I was like, alright. And one of my sisters went with them and the hospice place was just absolutely it was a beautiful facility. Just a lovely room. It was just really nice just to be there with her.

Victoria Volk: I love that. I love that you had that experience with her and that you were able to, as a family, too,

Laurie-Ann Murabito: so many miracles happened. Oh, yeah. That’s

Victoria Volk: fair to share.

Laurie-Ann Murabito: Yes. One of my sisters hadn’t seen or spoken to my dad in, I’m gonna say, fifteen years. This is the nurse’s sister. She also wasn’t even around for my mom for fifteen years, but when it came time that my mother needed that, my sister stepped right up to the point, she was there. Many sleepless nights, she stayed at, she just stayed at my mom’s house at her apartment. So in my mom’s passing, my sister and dad, I wouldn’t say that they I don’t know if they I don’t know what’s going on now, but I can say tell you that they were together looking at pictures and talking. And so that was beautiful. She brought all four of us together. It was nice that, like, we would, like, have relationships with this one and, like, that one and those two over there. But to bring us, like, all together. I mean, staying at my sister’s house, I was like, great. This is like a sorority house now. It was a lot of fun and it was a lot of laughs at the same time. So she’s done. In her passing, did some really amazing things. And we have now adopted our aunt, her sister, as our new mom, because she only had one daughter. So she’s like, now I got four more. Oh. Yeah. It was really it can be beautiful. So you are always talking about let’s do grief differently. People I just want you get to decide what it looks like. It doesn’t have to be what we’re taught, what we see on TV, that it’s this absolutely devastating thing. I mean, we just had Mother’s Day. I got a few people who sent me text messages concerned because it was the first mother’s day, but I didn’t my mother lived in Ohio. So I didn’t really see her on Mother’s Day, at least for the past six years, six or seven years. So it wasn’t that bad.

Victoria Volk: And I have a confession. I did not. I did not message you. And I know. And it didn’t even and, like, here I am. I’m, like, the grief specialist and I didn’t even message you. Like, I’m so sorry.

Laurie-Ann Murabito: Don’t be.

Victoria Volk: I’m sure you didn’t think anything. I’m sure you didn’t think anything of it.

Laurie-Ann Murabito: No. But Two people who sent me messages that were just like, Oh, what? That’s nice. Oh. And I was just like, I’m doing well.
Thank you. Yeah. It can be a beautiful experience, but you gotta decide. How do you wanna look back on it?

Victoria Volk: How do you wanna look back on it? It’s almost like this foreshadowing. Like, you have to almost four and I have a friend that she kinda she says that a lot. Like, she almost lives her life with this foreshadowing perspective. Like, she kinda, like, plays out a scenario to the end.

Laurie-Ann Murabito: Nice.

Victoria Volk: Yeah. And she, like, foreshadowed, like, okay. So how do I want the ending to be? How do I get the ending to be, how I want it to be? And part of that can be some control. Right? Like, you wanna control the outcome that, but at the same time, it’s like I think it’s just discerning for yourself and having some thoughtful contemplation, really. And some intention. Like, you’re bringing intention into how you move forward by playing out different scenarios. Playing it out to the end.

Laurie-Ann Murabito: Yeah.

Victoria Volk: So I think when it comes to death and dying, especially for people who know it’s coming. It doesn’t feel like a gift at the time, but it truly is. Because you have the gift of knowing that it’s coming. Whereas, like you said, if it’s a tragic accident or something that’s sudden. It’s like you get hit by a truck yourself, you could can feel that way. And then you have all these regrets because, oh, I never told them I love them. And actually, I was just talking to someone not that long ago. It was a family member actually. I was there in the morning and so the family members were leaving and the husband was going off to work and the sun to school and the wife was working from home that day and and and I was saying goodbye, love you to is my family members and my sister-in-law, she was like, oh, great. So now you’re gonna show me up. Like, because they don’t have that kind of dynamic. They don’t communicate that on a daily basis, whereas in my house, every day, we’re telling each other, we love each other, and goodbye, and good morning, and good night. Like, even my kids are gone, I’m texting them, can I love you? Or, so it’s almost a daily. And I just said, you don’t know if you’ll get a chance later.

Laurie-Ann Murabito: You don’t.

Victoria Volk: And we often just don’t think about that. We just we go about our day-to-day and we just think that tomorrow is guaranteed or that we can say it later or what have you. But I think if there’s any message here in this conversation today, it’s that you get to choose what today looks like.

Laurie-Ann Murabito: Mhmm.

Victoria Volk: And what you do with today and you also get to choose on if you have your regret or not.

Laurie-Ann Murabito: Yeah. Choice. We all have choice.

Victoria Volk: Yeah.

Laurie-Ann Murabito: And it can be just something so different.

Victoria Volk: And it does it have to take someone getting a cancer diagnosis or someone getting a terminal illness or someone having that tragic accident that’s unexpected for us to, like, reflect on our lives and how do I wanna show up now? And just how you said, circling back to when your husband passed away, it’s like, you ask yourself these big questions. Like, you were 36. Like, there wasn’t a where there are a lot of resources for a young widow even at that time. I mean, that’s I hear that now, like, young widows or it’s difficult being a young widow.

Victoria Volk: It was very difficult. I found one group, but there was something that the social worker who was running it said and it didn’t sit with me well. And I walked out and I had gone with a friend of mine because I actually had two friends who lost their husbands in their twenties. So I had two young friends who were also young widows. Sort of navigating life also. And I walked out and I remember, like, asking one of them, did she really say and she’s like, uh-huh. I was like, yeah, I’m never going back there. So I never found my husband was paralyzed from an operation. And brought him out to California for this operation for somebody because he was just he was stuck between a rock and a hard place. So we ended up being paralyzed And I mentioned something about that. And she made some sort of comment, like, you married him even though he was paralyzed. Yeah. Yeah. Like that look. They’re just like yeah.
It’s kinda like what happens when you really love somebody. Like, it didn’t matter to me. Yeah. He ended up in a wheelchair. It was the his last operation paralyzed him.

Victoria Volk: Wow.

Laurie-Ann Murabito: Yeah. So that was why I didn’t go back. So I had to navigate it by myself because there’s a lot of grief groups with, like, you walk in and everybody’s, like, in their seventies. Mhmm. It’s like, oop. I don’t really fit here. Yeah.

Victoria Volk: And it isn’t common that you had actually two friends that had experienced that.

Laurie-Ann Murabito: Right.

Victoria Volk: what a blessing that was —

Laurie-Ann Murabito: It was a huge blessing. Yeah. Because they both kinda shared their experience with me and what they did and what not to do. Yes. I got a couple of whatnots to do afterwards. Yeah.

VictoriaVolk: What have you found or discovered about yourself in how you wanna move forward in speeches, in working with clients, like, now you it’s like you have all this just more experience, right, behind your belt and

Laurie-Ann Murabito: I think it’s too you have motivation to eliminate fear. Because like think back to some of those moments even just like ten years ago, if you’re listening to this, just reflect on something that you found fearful ten years ago, and you look back on it now. And you’re probably thinking to yourself because this is what I do at least. It’s like, what was I so afraid of? Let’s just take a difficult conversation. That fear of having that difficult conversation. And then you had it it’s just and then you have the conversation, and it’s so freeing. Mhmm. So I guess, like, my advice would be, like like, what would happen if you eliminated fear? So with my clients, like, they are telling their story. They are sharing their solutions so that they can grow their business have a bigger impact, help more people. But it’s always like, I know you’re afraid of being judged You’re afraid to hit that go live button. You’re afraid to send that email to that meeting planner. But what if we eliminate fear? Like, what would be possible if fear was not in the way? And fear shows up in many different colors. Shows up as procrastination. As the oh, this is hard. I’ll do it later. I don’t know how to do this. What if I’m judged? What will people think? Fear shows up in so many different colors and costumes, if you will. So what would happen if you recognize fear and just made friends with fear. Interested it anyways. So that’s part of my work is helping people tell their story. Helping people just get out there and share their story because it’s it all starts with your first story. Your first speech, your first video. What would happen if we didn’t compare ourselves to where we were, to where we think we should be? That’s how I would say that that’s how this has changed me. And I’m and I know that there’s lots of stories that I’m gonna have from my mother’s passing. Right now is not the time to be sharing them. Certain stories, I guess. But I’m sure, like, there’s a lot of lessons that have come from the experience. I got the phone call, and we literally thought my mother was dying, like, the next day. And when I saw her, like, my sisters and I, like, all flew out there. And when we saw her, I was just like, oh my god. My mother’s meeting her maker, like, in a matter of hours. They changed an antibioticer and she, like, turned around.
I was like, keep this crow, this is a there was a roller coaster ride that I wanted to get off. We all did. It’s an emotional rollercoaster ride, but that’s okay.

Victoria Volk: As many challenges in life are. Right?

Laurie-Ann Murabito: That’s right.

Victoria Volk: So once you get to the end, eventually, you get to the end of the roller coaster. That’s right. There’s dips and valleys and kinks and it’s all part of the experience.

Laurie-Ann Murabito: Of life. Yes. And that’s why your work is so important so that this doesn’t become a weight that people carry in their backpack for the rest of their lives. You help them lighten the load unpack that backpack, if you will.

Victoria Volk: I do and is one of the most rewarding things. It’s my full circle moment, I guess, so to speak. I’m sure we all have those full-circle moments. Did you always expect as a child that you would be helping people tell their stories? Or did you wanna be a journalist?
Or did you see yourself on stages?

Laurie-Ann: God, No. Or painfully shy girl. No. I was in healthcare.

Victoria: And you were?

Laurie-Ann: Yeah. I come from a healthcare, doing cardiac and vascular ultrasound testing.

Victoria: Really?

Laurie-Ann: Yep. So just one on one work with people.

Victoria Volk: Wow. So what did you wanna be though when you were a child when you.

Laurie-Ann: I did wanna be an actress. So there is that sort of, like, limelight. But again, I was really shy as it is. And it’s so funny how it’s like, as a speaker, you are entertaining people. But I’m entertaining them while they are learning something. So there’s a little bit of that I wanted to be an actress. Yeah. Good question.

Victoria Volk: I love this conversation. Is there anything else that you would like to share you feel is important to share?

Laurie-Ann: I feel like I have shared a lot but I guess I will just reiterate that you always have choice. You always have a choice on how you wanna react to something and how you want something to look and feel. So whether you’re going through illness or lost like your mom, like like I did that you get to look at it and decide how you want to define it. If it’s a sudden death that you weren’t expecting, like, from an ax I think you still can do the same thing is to decide what does this get to look like? How will this change me? Do I want it to change me? Moving forward,

Victoria Volk: How do I want it to change me. I like that. I like that rephrase. Yeah.

Laurie-Ann: Thank you.

Victoria Volk: Where can people find you?

Laurie-Ann: They can find me at my website is speakandstandout.com. And I also have a podcast called Be in Demand. And you can find me over on Instagram and LinkedIn, but all of that is like if you just go right to my website, that will have everything.

Victoria Volk: And I will throw in a shameless plug because you are my speaking coach, and you did help me write a speech, which I’ve yet to present, but it is something that I do look forward to. And I have been working on getting some speaking opportunities. And I have had some and also yeah. And to get on podcast too, that’s part of it as well. That’s speaking too. So thank you for all the work that you’ve done with me and how you’ve supported me, and I just so appreciate you.

Laurie-Ann Murabito: My pleasure because you are helping so many people. Thank you.

Victoria Volk: And Likewise.

Laurie-Ann Murabito: Your work. Thank you.

Victoria Volk: Thank you. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.

Ep 142 Tough Love | I Don’t Have Time To Work On Myself

Tough Love | I Don’t Have Time To Work On Myself

 

SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:

May is Mental Health Awareness Month!

Taking mental health seriously and prioritizing it is the job of the individual. Even if you find yourself in a situation where you are forced to prioritize your mental health, that doesn’t necessarily equate to successful results. The effort you make, along with your intention, will create positive outcomes.

We can allow ourselves to become bogged down by grief in our lives, or we can take small, actionable steps every day that move us forward and create momentum for healing. This is precisely what we do through my program, Do Grief Differently.

There are ripples created from grief, which are often not pleasant. But there can also be really positive ripples that come from healing as well. When we are hungry, we eat. When we are thirsty, we drink. No matter what we are doing, we will make the time to eat or drink when our bodies need nourishment.

How is your body giving signals that it needs the support of the mind and spirit?

CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:

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If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.

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Information About Grieving Voices Podcast

Thank you for tuning in to another episode of grieving voices. If you’ve been here before and if this is your first time listening, thank you for being here. Typically, this would be a guest feature episode of a nonprofit, which is what the theme was to be for 2023. However, I’ve run into some snags in getting some nonprofits scheduled. There is one nonprofit. I’m really excited to get on the podcast, but they are busy at this time. With legislative work, very important work. So I’ll just have to be patient, but it just brought to my mind, why am I putting myself in a box with this podcast? Why am I thinking I need to stick to some sort of theme or whatnot?

And so just yesterday, actually I was on a call with Mastermind I am in for public speaking. And it just occurred to me “Why don’t I just do what I want?” When I want, however, I want. So it seems like a no-brainer but I think I was trying to stick to some sort of process or some sort of regiment or something so that I maybe could stay focused but truthfully, that’s not really how my mind works. I personally love variety. I love surprises and not necessarily knowing what’s coming next. And so if you’re my people listening to this, you might be the same. And if you aren’t, I’m sorry. Sorry, not sorry.

So I think moving forward, not I think. I am moving forward with this podcast. Just putting out content that I feel inspired to share it. It might be “Q and A episode”. It might be like today’s episode, which is a brand-new type of episode. It might be “Where are they now episode” which I do have someone scheduled that later this month. I’m excited about that. It might be a nonprofit or a foundation organization. I am in the works on getting some of those scheduled, so be on the lookout for those. And I’m thinking I will reconnect with I had a lot of applications last year for this year’s podcast. But because I had changed the format, I had to let them know that I was changing the format. So I think I will reach out to those individuals as well and bring back some guest interviews. I get a lot of author submissions. And so I don’t necessarily need more author submissions but if you have a nonprofit organization or foundation or you’re just the person next door, you don’t have anything to sell, you don’t have anything special to put out in the world but you want to share your story. I really want to hear the stories of grievers who are like most of us we’re just the person next door.

And so I really encourage you to reach out to me. Fill out the form on my website. I am going to be updating it. So it’s not just about nonprofits. Yeah so look forward to maybe more of a variety show, grieving voices variety show, which what won’t change is that we’ll be talking about grief because no matter what the topic is, business or parenting or our health, grief is an aspect of it and plays a role in our lives and in all areas of our lives it affects all areas of our lives, financial, spiritual, you name it.

What Is Taking Priority In Your Life?

So this brings me to today’s episode which I’m calling Tough Love. Where people might say I don’t have time to work on myself. I actually had a conversation with someone not that long ago where this was you can say a valid reason. The person traveled a lot. They just were on the road a lot. They traveled. So how do you find the time amidst travel to work on yourself? You have a work day and then your jet setting, flying here and there and everywhere. And there aren’t I don’t know if there aren’t a lot of us who fly a lot for our careers or our jobs, but no matter if that’s you or not, I hear this a lot from people. I don’t have time to work on myself. I’ve got one, two, three, four, five kids. I’ve got a full-time job and a lot of moms who work outside of the house called. They come home and they do what’s called the second shift. Like I get it. I have three kids. They’re all teenagers. They weren’t always teenagers. They used they require a lot more of my time. And in fact, they were much younger when I had a full-time business. And they weren’t all in school.

And I think you just have to make it a priority. It’s like saying you don’t have time to eat or drink. You’re hungry but you don’t have time to eat. Well, you’re still gonna eat.  And if you’re thirsty, you’re gonna get something to drink. Because if you don’t eat or you don’t drink, you’ll shrivel away. You will collapse. And so like saying you don’t have time to work on yourself is like saying you don’t have time to eat. And I just want you to think about that because we prioritize nourishing our bodies. But how many of us prioritize nourishing our hearts, nourishing our minds, and nourishing our spirits? I want you to think about that. This is like I said, this is my tough love episode. I won’t call it out as an excuse but you can draw your own conclusion. If you feel like it’s an excuse, I don’t know you. I don’t know your situation, people in particular, listening to this. And everyone’s situation is different. But we prioritize what is important to us and often we put ourselves last. We put our mental health last. We put our hearts last. We put our spiritual well-being last. And so what is taking priority in your life? What has become more important in your life? Think about that. Because if I had not done the work that I started doing five years before I actually did the really difficult work. I don’t think I would have even gotten to the point of doing the really difficult work.

The Work That I Do

It took me five years to slowly slowly, very slowly, rip off the band-aid. I really took my time with it. And in hindsight, I wish I would have known in 2014 what I learned in 2019 because had I known in 2014, what I found out in 2019, I wouldn’t have waited. I would have just ripped off the band-aid in 2014.

Because I was so much better at it. I was healthier in mind, body, and spirit for it. Of really doing the deep difficult hard inner work. I had a client say to me, “You know hear all the time people say you have to do the work”. And I was just frustrated with what’s the work? Nobody would really explain it. She said, “What is the work?” And after going through my program, Do Grief Differently, She’s like, “It clicked.” This is the work. This is the work. The work that we do in Do Grief Differently is the work. So if you’re ready to do the work and need some support and ripping off the band-aid in and loving supportive, handheld way, I encourage you to reach out to me and inquire about Do Grief Differently, the one-on-one program. Or I also offer a group program which is available also online. But sometimes we just need some tough love.

And I love challenging people and pushing people beyond what they think they’re capable of because I will tell you that you are capable of so much more and your life can feel so much more fulfilling and meaningful once you clear out the cobwebs like get rid of all the yuck and the stuff that’s boggling you down in your life and in your heart and in your spirit and in your mind. So you can see more clearly, so you can discern for yourself more effectively, so you can make healthier choices and decisions for yourself. You can trust yourself more, build your confidence, create boundaries that maybe you’ve never had or never knew you needed. There’s so many byproducts and benefits of doing the work and taking the time to work on yourself. Think of it as life or death, and you might make a different choice for yourself. That’s today’s episode in a nutshell.

much love, victoria

P.S. And if you found it helpful which I hope you did, maybe insightful and maybe like a kick in the tooth to just look at your life and maybe make a change. Do something differently, do grief differently. I’m here to support you. Either through this podcast. If you’re not quite ready to dig deep or through many of the resources on my website there are a lot of free resources. And there’s always help and support out there if you look for it. May is mental health awareness month and make it a priority because it’s probably not just your life depending on it. You may have a spouse, you may have children, grandchildren, you may be a daughter, maybe a mother, or a friend. There are ripples that are created from grief. But there can also be really positive ripples that come from healing as well. So thank you so much for tuning in. If you like my new idea for this podcast of just making it a variety show, doing whatever I feel like, whenever I feel like and however I feel like, please share your thoughts. I’m doing this podcast for you my listeners. It’s not for my health, although I get so much joy out of it. So maybe it’s partially for my mental health too. Because I get great joy from feeling like someone listening to this is truly being helped and feeling supported. Again thank you for listening and until next time. Remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life, much love.