Educational, Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast, solo episode |
National Grief Awareness Week | 10 Tips for Grieving Hearts to Nurture Hope During the Holidays
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
In this episode, we’re continuing the grief education in honor of National Grief Awareness Week on December 2nd-8th. Last week, I shared facts, staggering statistics, and insights about grief, many of which surprised me!
So many people will be going into this Christmas missing a loved one or wishing a relationship would be different, better, or more. The holidays often bring up a lot of emotions. And sitting with all of the big feelings without self-awareness, tools, and support only exacerbates those emotions.
Today, I share ten tips for grieving hearts to nurture hope during the holidays—many of which I’ve shared in the past. However, sometimes you need to hear it differently or another time when you’re ready to really hear it. Maybe today will be when the information will land differently in your heart.
RESOURCES:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk: Hello. Hello. I hope this podcast today finds you well. And if not, if you’re struggling, with the holidays coming up, then this episode is for you. Last week, I shared that it was National Grief Awareness Week between December second through the eighth. And in honor of National Grief Awareness Week, I am concluding with a second episode in the two-part series. This time I’m talking about grief during the holidays and last week was facts, stats, and grief in the workplace, which probably affects the majority of us. A lot of interesting statistics and facts were shared in that episode, I will link to it in the show notes if you’re interested in listening.
Victoria Volk: But today, let’s talk about the holidays. Because they’re fast approaching. And I know there are some people out there who this is the first time after a loss of a loved one going to into the Christmas season without that person, and it can be very challenging. While there are other critical dates and times that affect grieving people, it’s the holiday season. That is one of the biggest stimulus to provoked memories and feelings about important people in our lives who have died or who are no longer present at holiday celebrations and rituals. And it could be from divorce or other arrangements. Again, I’ve said it like a thousand times, grief is not just about death, my friends.
Victoria Volk: So the holidays are supposed to be a happy time. But let’s be honest, you know, many of us are grieving this time of year. And not just about the death, divorce, or job loss, everyone has issues. So let’s discuss hopes, dreams, and expectations, changes and choices, my friends.
Victoria Volk: I have heard it said that expectations are planned disappointments, or an expectation is just a disappointment that hasn’t happened yet. And expectations are at an all time high during the holidays. We have a lot of expectations about who coming together for the holidays? Will it be what will it be like? What will we do? There are just a lot of uncertainties. Will everybody be happy? Will we get along? What if the food doesn’t turn out? Or what if it just doesn’t taste right? Or what if your sewer, like, backs up and you lose water? Like, that didn’t happen to us during the holidays, but it happened during my son’s graduation. Had a household of people. You can’t plan for that stuff. Right? But you have these high hopes and high expectations that like for me, just became a disappointment. Right? But many hopes, dreams, and expectations are wrapped up in the holidays.
Victoria Volk: It’s important to remember that losing or letting go of a hope, dream, or expectation can be a loss too. Times have changed. Little kids aren’t playing with the matchbox cars on the floor anymore. Everybody’s sitting on the couch looking at their phones. I’ve actually I mean, I’ve caught I’ve caught myself too, but I’ve taken stock like when all the families together, like how many people in the room are sitting on their phones. Right? This is the time that we live in it’s a fact of life, but a lot of people listening to this are experiencing a change in traditions and plans.
Victoria Volk: And one definition of grief is the natural, it is the natural and normal response to change or loss. The change in familiar patterns, habits, or traditions. As I said, if this is your first Christmas, without a loved one, I’m sure you’ve already given this a lot of thought. There’s going to be a lot of change. Change is a significant cause of grief. We just don’t call it that. We don’t articulate it or think about it that way, which is why it’s so hard to deal with some of these changes and expectations that aren’t being met.
Victoria Volk: First of all, we don’t even think about it as a grieving situation. We don’t articulate it to ourselves do we even share it with somebody else? How can they even understand or disappointment? Something that disappoints me might not even be a big deal to somebody else, but this is a thing, like, then what you have people doing sometimes is they’re minimizing what you’re experiencing or minimizing what you’re trying to share. And it can hurt you greatly into someone else it’s not a big deal, but sometimes we just need to learn to be a listening ear and be supportive. And even if it doesn’t seem like a big deal to us, we just try and be the support. Right? That’s one thing you can do this holiday season.
Victoria Volk: The good news is, though, is that and this is why I talk about a lot too, is we have choices. Grievers just don’t think they have any options. They’re just the victim.
They’re stuck with whatever is it going to happen and it won’t be good enough, but that’s not true. What is true is that we can’t change what has happened. We may not have a lot of influence or power to change what will be but we can choose how we respond to those changes and how we respond to those losses.
Victoria Volk: I want you to take some time to figure out and identify all of the changes that you may be experiencing during the holidays, but do it during these pre-holiday days. As we time is quickly passing by, just take stock, kind of play play it out to the end. Right? Like, think about the holidays coming up and the different rituals and traditions and things that you used to do with your loved one. Think about all of those different changes, everything that will be different this time around, and then choose to not sit and be the victim. Reframe how you will see these next several days and weeks as you go through the holidays.
Victoria Volk: And here’s some advice if you want to take it. First of all, try to have fewer expectations. Put your hands up and ride the roller coaster without expecting what the ride will be actually be like.
Victoria Volk: And secondly, reframe how you see things. You get to choose how you make what the holidays happen. You can’t change what’s happened in the past and can’t change what will happen in the future, but you can change. You can change. You can also choose how you respond to what’s happening today. Do you want to be saddened and gloomy during the holidays? Who would? I don’t. The principles and actions of the grief recovery method, which is what I facilitate through my program Do Grief Differently are dedicated to helping people discover and complete what was left emotionally unfinished by a death, divorce, or other loss. In the interest of helping both grieving people and the friends and family near them, I thought I’d share holiday tips that give some basic, practical, and emotionally helpful guidance.
Victoria Volk: So there’s ten tips. The first five relate primarily to the death of someone important to you. And that person might have been a loved one or may have been what we call a less than loved one, but you will probably still be affected by their absence. And the second set of five tips relates either to the death of a spouse or to divorce. And we’re not comparing those experiences just suggesting that the tips can be helpful in either situation.
Victoria Volk: So here are five tips for the holidays, if you’re grieving the death of someone important to you. Don’t isolate yourself. It’s normal and natural to feel lost and alone, but don’t isolate. This is one of the mess of grief. Right? Grieve alone. Even if you have to force yourself to be with people and participate in normal activities, just do it. If someone asks you to go out and do something, go and tell people, you know what, keep asking. Even if I say no this time, you just keep asking. One of these times, I will say yes.
Victoria Volk: Tip two: Don’t misuse food or alcohol to cover up or push down your feelings. As children, when we were sad about something, we were often told, don’t feel bad, have a cookie, you’ll feel better, and cookies don’t make the child feel better, it makes the child feel different, and the real cause of this sadness is not addressed. When we get older, alcohol and drugs are used for the same wrong reasons to mask feelings of sadness.
Victoria Volk: Tip number three: Talk about your feelings, but don’t expect a quick fix. It’s essential to have someone you trust to talk to about your memories and the feelings they in evoke. Ask your friend to just listen to you and try not to fix you. You’re sad. You’re not broken. You just need to be heard.
Victoria Volk: Tip number four: While it’s important to talk about your feelings don’t dwell on them. Telling the same sad story over and over is not helpful. In fact, it can establish and cement a relationship to your pain. It’s better just to make a simple statement of how you feel in the moment. For example, say, I just had a sad feeling of missing him or her. You’ve likely heard me say, referring to support groups, support groups can be amazing for connection and meeting new people and it’s getting you out of the house. Right? And I’m saying, don’t grieve alone, so you go to support group. Great. But here’s the thing about support groups is if it’s the type of support group where it’s a repetition of the same stories over and over and over and nothing is moving you forward. You don’t feel like it’s getting you forward or moving in your life. It’s not, helping you grow and not that you have to grow through grief. I think I should do an episode on that, but if you let your grief be a part of you and you integrate it in a way that you give it the time and space and you feel it and you’re sitting with it and working through it by doing the work, which we do and Do Grief Differently. That’s different. That’s taking action. And this is what you don’t have in a lot of support groups. There is no action. So it’s just a lot of the same story and that doesn’t help you move forward in your life. If that’s what you’re desiring to do, I think there’s a time and space and a phase for support groups and things, but definitely use your own discernment, but that’s just kind of why that I wanted to say about support groups in this episode.
Victoria Volk: Tip number five: This time doesn’t heal. Actions do. Speaking of actions. Right? The myth that time heals a broken heart is just that. It’s a myth. Time can’t heal a broken heart anymore than air can jump into a flat tire. Time just goes by. It is the action you take within time that can help you feel better.
Victoria Volk: Speaking of feeling better, before we get into the next five tips, I just want to share a little bit about the new sponsor to my podcast, Magic Mind. I’ve been using their two-ounce shot for not quite the last thirty days. I think I have maybe four bottles left. And what I’ve noticed the onset after a few days is this calm that almost is new to me. It’s when I’m feeling like I have a lot on my to do list. If you just read my recent newsletter, it was all about checking lists, making lists and checking them off and all this and that about lists, but because we make all kinds of lists. But I love a good list, but at the same time, all the lists can become overwhelming and when getting close to the holiday season and whatever is going on in your life, it is a list that can help keep you organized, but it can also feel overwhelming, right? When we keep adding stuff to the list. Well, magic mind might be the thing that can help you as it’s helped me check things off the list.
Victoria Volk: And it like I said, it’s just kind of helped me notice this calm that has come over me when I’m using it. When I take that two-ounce shot in the morning with my coffee, it’s not a replacement for coffee, although it can be. You can drink it alongside your coffee. I take my get my first cup in, and then I take the shot, and I go about my day, and it helps you get into a flow state. It helps for me, it’s helped call me. I don’t know. It’s like I find my focus. A lot easier to get certain tasks done. And I’ve just really it actually tastes good too, but I’ve actually just really liked using it. And they’re actually gonna be launching in January in all of the Sprouts markets.
Victoria Volk: But for you listening to this, you can actually get fifty-six percent off your first subscription plus another twenty percent off your one-time purchase the first purchase, excuse me, with my discount code, “grieving voices”. So if you go to magicmind.com slash grieving voices and use the coupon code, “grieving voices” altogether, all caps, you will receive an additional twenty percent off your first purchase. And I just say try it and see what you think. Give it a good a week for sure of using it every day. They say after three days, you will notice a difference, but and I did. But after five days, I think it is, you kind of get more of the benefits because there’s neurotropics in it, adaptogens, matcha green tea, plus twelve other magical ingredients. And I like how the founder James Baeshara has says in his video about it. He says, athletes have gatorade, and creatives now have catorade. And I love that because as a creator, we can have a million things, like a million tabs open in our brain a day. Not to mention all of the family stuff and things that go on in our lives such as grief.
Right?
Victoria Volk: And so if there is anything that can help as we’re going through the grievance process or just as we’re navigating life, you know, this is just another kind of tool in our toolbox that we can use to help our brains function more optimally. And if that’s something you’re looking for, then I again checkout magicmind.com/grievingvoices for twenty percent off your subscription.
Victoria Volk: Alright. Back to the list in the next five tips. And so here’s five tips if you are grieving the death of a spouse or have experienced divorce. Tip number one: Just because you feel lonely doesn’t mean you’re ready to start dating. Don’t start dating while your heart is still broken or you will guarantee that the next relationship will fail. Being ready to date is a function of the actions you take within time to repair your heart. This is valid whether you’re dealing with a death or a divorce.
Victoria Volk: Tip number two: Don’t get too busy. Avoid hyperactivity. This is one of the myths of grief too, keeping busy. Be careful not to get too busy. Being super active just distracts you. It doesn’t help you deal with your broken heart. And you know what? There can be a lot of healthy. You’re deemed healthy distractions too. Just, let’s say, you’re an ultra-marathoner. That takes a lot of time. It takes a lot of determination and a lot of time commitment. And if you’re doing that has a distraction, from your feelings and for what’s happening in your life or the stressors of life. It’s a healthy coping mechanism for stress, of course, but if you’re not doing things in other aspects of your life to address your emotional well-being, then it could just possibly be a coping mechanism, a sterb, a short-term energy-relieving behavior. And it can become something that you become addicted to for that reason.
Victoria Volk: Tip number three: Maintain your normal routines. Adapting to the changes in your life following the death or a divorce is an enormous adjustment. You are learning how to move from being with someone to being alone, and it’s never a good idea to add a host of other changes while you’re trying to adapt to so much disruption in your life.
Victoria Volk: And tip number five: Go through the pain not under it, not over it, and not around it. It’s very tempting to try to avoid the pain associated with a broken heart, but it’s also a very bad idea. Whenever you skirt the pain, you’re also pushing it down which is only temporary. It will always come back to haunt you.
Victoria Volk: And tip number five: Find effective guidance or you will sabotage your future. While the grief of a broken heart is the normal reaction to the death of your spouse or to the end of a romantic relationship, it’s very helpful to find effective tools to help you discover and complete everything that was left emotionally unfinished otherwise, you will drag your emotional baggage into the next relationship and ruin it before it even starts.
Victoria Volk: There’s your five tips for each different type of loss, and a lot of these really just reiterate the six myths of grief. Don’t feel bad, grieve alone, replace the loss, be strong, keep busy, and time heals all wounds. For most people, the first holiday season after the death or a divorce is the most painful, but that’s not true for everyone. And for many, the second, third, and subsequent years are very painful. And since time doesn’t heal emotional wounds, as I’ve just said, people often report feeling says years go by. No matter when your loss occurred, it’s most important that you become aware that recovery is possible and to learn which actions will help you create some momentum and movement in your life. And when I say momentum and movement, it’s just progress. It’s getting back out into the world, integrating the experiences that you’ve had through the grief, through the years, however long it’s been and reframing, it’s a lot of reframing.
Victoria Volk: And often it takes support to help you shift your perspective to to modify your beliefs about grief, to shift how you feel about certain aspects of your relationship that you could you can’t go back and change. But again, you can change how you respond today. Because really the relationship continues whether the person has died or whether you’re divorced, there’s some sort of emotional continuation. Right? And so you can hold on to anger and bitterness and resentment and or the pain of the loss itself and the sadness and maybe even the hurt, even the most loving relationships, people hurt us you can hold on to all of that or you can recover from the pain. And when I say recover because a lot of people in the grief space have a lot of opinions about the word recover and the word heal. But when I say recover, it is recovering from the pain so that when you have these holidays coming up, you’re not taking back to that like this heart-wrenching pain that takes you down for weeks or days or even months on end into this, depression that you can’t find your way out of. It’s possible. Recovery is possible. And this is why I like the word recovery because it gives people hope. Because when people don’t have hope, that’s a slippery slope.
Victoria Volk: And I’m in the business of hope, so I like the word recovery. I’m gonna continue to use the word recovery. And because I know it’s possible. I know it’s possible. It happened for me. It’s happened to countless clients of mine and the thousands of people. I don’t even know how many people have gone through grief recovery. But it’s changed people’s lives, transformed people’s lives. One of the she’s marketing. She’s a trainer and things with the grief recovery institute. She was on my podcast early on. Her name is Sandy Derby. I’m gonna link to her up in the show notes because, I mean, she was addicted. She had a meth addiction. She was in an abusive relationship. And she was on a fast track to a really self-destructive life. She had a lot of trauma from her father and other family members, satanic ritualistic abuse. I mean, she went through the gamut of trauma and pain and suffering in her life and grief recovery, my friend, changed her life. And she is in the whole business just like me. And this is this is why I’m so passionate about this work.
Victoria Volk: So whether this is your first year of being without a loved one or it’s your tenth. I don’t care. It’s never too soon. It’s never too late. Reach out for help. Make twenty twenty-four the year of you. Alright. I’m gonna put those resources in the show notes. And if you have any questions about Do Grief Differently or anything else that I’ve said, and if you wanna join the conversation, please do so on social media. I’m @theunleashedheart on Instagram, that’s typically my favorite social media place to hang out. I’m not on there a lot, but I will read messages if I get them, so I encourage you to reach out or send me an email, [email protected]. And if you found this episode helpful, I hope you share it with someone you know or love. Who could benefit from these tips and come back to it anytime. I mean, the podcast is here. This is a free resource. Do this for you. It’s a labor of love and have many blessings for this upcoming season. My heart goes all out to all of you grievers. I know you. I wanna say I am you, but I grieve differently now. It’s not like it used to be for sure. I feel like we’re all lifelong grievers. I mean, there’s always something. There’s always something that life is gonna throw at us. Always. But we can build an emotional resilience and empower ourselves with new tools and new knowledge and a new belief about what we are capable of. A new belief about what it means to grieve in a healthy way. That’s where we can change, and that’s where we have choice. So remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life, my friend. Much love.
Educational, Grieving Voices Podcast, solo episode |
National Grief Awareness Week | Facts, Stats, and Grief in the Workplace
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
December 2nd-8th is National Grief Awareness Week. So, I thought I would do what I do best, and that is to bring attention to grief education. The better prepared and educated we are about grief, the more connected, empathetic, and patient we become.
In this week’s episode, I will share facts, statistics, and insights about grief. Some of what you’ll hear has never been shared on the podcast. You’ll learn staggering statistics that even caught me by surprise!
Additionally, workplace grief is a common challenge within companies, and if you are a business owner with employees, a CEO, or an employee, this is an episode for you! And it’s also an episode I hope you share with your manager, HR, or griever you know.
With someone dying in the United States every 11.14 seconds, there are a lot of grieving people out there, and my phone should be ringing off the hook. However, it’s not, and I share my theory on why in this episode.
Please tune in next week, where I’ll keep the National Grief Awareness Week education coming with a podcast about Grief and the Holidays.
RESOURCES:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk: Hello. Hello. Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. I am your host, Victoria V of The Unleashed Heart, and today is the first of two episodes for National Grief Awareness Week. And this episode is going to be about just facts and statistics and some insights around grief. And particularly, I’m going to end with talking about grief in the workplace. So just some basic general facts about grief.
Victoria Volk: Grief is a universal experience. It is something that everyone will encounter at some point. It is the natural response to loss, not just limited to death, but also to significant life changes such as divorce, job loss, or major relocations, for example. And if you’ve never listened to a podcast of mine that talks about different examples, there are more than forty plus different losses that we can have, which include intangible losses such as loss of safety, loss of security, loss of trust.
Victoria Volk: Grief is also an individualized process. Each person experiences grief in their own unique way, and there is no one size fits all approach to grieving, and individuals may go through the process at different rates. It’s why you have some people that appear to be fine after two, three, four years. And why you see some people still struggling after, like myself, after thirty years. And it’s not that the people who appear to be fine at your three or four or five, it’s that maybe they’ve just gotten really good at coping. Or maybe they’ve done some really deep work and they’ve really worked on their grief and that’s why they are in a healthier place in their lives. But don’t assume that just because someone appears fine that they are. Because there is no timeline. This is another fact of grief. There is no timeline. It doesn’t follow a linear timeline. And the traditional stages of grief that we hear about such as denial, anger, bargaining depression, and acceptance are not experienced in a fixed order, and individuals may revisit these stages multiple times. And In fact, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross never intended these fight these stages of grief to even apply to death. It was through her work in working with terminally ill patients that she found that these are the emotions really and things that those individuals go through, which many grievers do too, but that wasn’t the intention of her work.
Victoria Volk: And I’ve actually had Ken Ross, her son on my podcast, which I can link to in the show notes, but she even stated herself that that wasn’t the intention of that work. In the memoir she wrote before she passed. Also, grief has a physical and emotional impact. It can have both physical and emotional effects that can manifest into physical symptoms like fatigue, changes in appetite, trouble sleeping, and emotional aspects such as sadness, anger, guilt or, or even numbness. Their cultural variations and religious beliefs that significantly influence how individuals express and cope with grief as well. Different cultures have unique morning rituals and traditions that will shape their grieving process. As I kind of mentioned earlier with the loss of trust and safety and security, these are what we would call maybe secondary losses. Such as loss of also routine, social connections, and sense of security. These additional losses can complicate the grieving process immensely.
Victoria Volk: Another fact of grief is that grieving children will present differently than adults. And may not always express their grief verbally. They may show their grief through changes in behavior, school, performance, or through play. Now, yes, they may grieve differently than adults, but a lot of the things that say adults resort to to feel better you’ll find that teenagers do as well, such as shopping or drinking drugs or relationships.
Victoria Volk: Another fact of grief is that it grief has experienced differently at various stages of life. Children, adolescents, adults, and the elderly have unique ways of coping with an understanding loss. And truly, this really depends on what you learned as a child and how you will cope and express your grief. If you didn’t learn how to do so as a child, you will resort to what you learned as an adult, and especially as a child who experiences grief, for example myself, where you grow up with it, it will express differently over time.
Victoria Volk: Another fact of grief is that feelings of guilt and regret are very common. Individuals may struggle with unresolved issues or unfulfilled wishes leading to a complex emotional landscape, and this is the crux of grief. This is honestly what we address through grief recovery, not just feelings of guilt and regret, but these all of the complex emotional feelings that are what keep us stuck in holding on to our pain.
Victoria Volk: And also, another fact of grief is that support is crucial. Having a support system is crucial and navigating grief. Friends, family, and support groups or professional counselors like myself can provide comfort and understanding during the grieving process.
Victoria Volk: Another fact is that, prolonged or complicated, I’ll put that in quotations, “complicated grief” can contribute to mental health issues such as depression or anxiety. This is where seeking professional help is important for those who find it challenging to cope with their grief. Now when we say coping with your grief, I would have you reflect for a moment or two on how you believe you are coping? And do you believe that that is a healthy coping mechanism. I’ve worked with a client who works diligently at her work and in her life and very high performing and running is her thing. She runs ultra-marathons and she realized in working with me and learning about grief that that was her escape. She was using running as a coping mechanism, as escapism. And so even these healthy things or these things that appear to be healthy and productive can be unhealthy. We’re not sitting with our feelings. We’re not giving ourselves in our heart space that time to work through and process. We’re escaping. Our minds are very creative in finding ways to do so.
Victoria Volk: And finally, while grief is a challenging experience, many individuals find ways to grow and develop resilience through the process. So, resiliency and growth is possible. Grief can lead to personal growth. Increased empathy and a deeper appreciation for life. But you’re not gonna find that if you don’t get off the couch, if you don’t get out of the bed, you just won’t. It’s not gonna come knocking on your door. You have to go after it. This is why I’m so passionate about the work that I do. This is why I’m so passionate about this podcast. And sharing this information week after week and bringing others people stories to you because they didn’t lay in decay. They got off the couch. They got out of the bed. This is what we need to do. This is the work. That is the work. It’s not to keep on going and just sweep it under the rug. It’s to keep on going by doing the work. Grief Recovery is the work. One of my clients she said that. That was her revelation to me was that, she always heard that you have to do the work and she’s like, what what’s the work? What is the work? No one actually says what the work is. And after grief recovery said, this is the work.
Victoria Volk: I wanna shift gears a little bit and just talk about share some statistics about grief. These are particular to the United States. While I can provide general insights, and the most recent statistics, it is important to note that specific statistics about grief can vary and will change over time, so depending when you’re listening to this, it may be irrelevant. But additionally, grief is a deeply personal and subjective experience and we just can’t quantify all aspects. But here are some general observations and statistics related to grief in the United States.
Victoria Volk: Did you know that there is actually website. The United States deaths clock, I will put a link in the show notes, but I was actually quite surprised that there’s such a website and that this exists. But on there, it states that a person dies approximately every eleven point one four seconds. There are two million eight hundred and thirty thousand six hundred and eighty-eight deaths per year, seven thousand seven hundred and fifty-five deaths per day, three hundred and twenty-three people will have died within the hour of you listening to this. Seventeen deaths on average per day in my own home state of North Dakota, and the leading causes of death include heart disease, cancer, unintentional injuries, chronic lower respiratory diseases and more.
Victoria Volk: Let these stats sink in. Every eleven point one four seconds a person dies in the United States. Think about all of those families left behind and the grieving’s left. My phone should be ringing off the hook. However, I understand why it’s not, and it goes back to the six myths of grief I’ve spoken about many times on this podcast. I will link to that episode and the show notes that because that may resonate with you and maybe help you understand why you may not have reached out for support.
Victoria Volk: Another fact of grief is that the National Alliance for Grieving Children as estimates that over four point eight million children in adolescence in the US will experience the death of a parent. My hand is raised, that is me. Although when I was a grieving child, there was no other child in my class. I don’t even know in elementary put together if that experienced the death of a parent. So I was very much alone in my grief in that time.
But of course, a parent doesn’t have to die. I mean, many children are experiencing their parents’ divorce. Where there is a parent that doesn’t live in the same area or their parents are estranged. And maybe they don’t even have their father or their mother in their life at all, and that can be equally devastating for a child.
Victoria Volk: I wanna shift gears to grief in the workplace. The grief recovery institute reports that grieving employees may experience difficulty concentrating, decision-making and productivity. I’ll share more grief stats in the workplace in just a moment, but finally, there are types of grief that are talked about such as this is another fact of grief talking about complicated grief. You may have heard that term where it’s a condition where the grieving process is significantly prolonged and severe. Estimates suggest that a small percentage of individuals may experience complicated grief. However, in my opinion, grief is grief. Grief that is lasting thirty-plus years is still grief. Labeling it as quote, complicated grief because it’s still impacting a grieber after a certain amount of time has passed does nothing to help a griever move forward. What people fail to understand is that grief will forever create feelings of sadness. However, it’s the pain associated with the grief that keeps people in emotional jail. As grievers, we get comfortable with the pain and resist releasing it for fear of any other awareness or inner work that will be needed to move forward. What comes next feels too uncertain and unknown this causes grievers to feel overwhelmed and that recovery from the pain is impossible.
Victoria Volk: So After hearing these general insights in these facts, I wanna share facts directly related to grief in the workplace considering this will affect nearly every single adult listening, whether you work for someone else, or you run your own company, this information will apply. Grief can significantly impact the workplace affecting both employees and employers. In the United States alone, grief-related losses and productivity may cost companies as much as one hundred billion dollars annually. The twenty twenty-two cost of dying report showed how much time and energy families spent dealing with the death of a loved one and the burden it placed on them. The results revealed a crisis of attention, time and energy. On average, settling a loved one’s affairs took thirteen months, twenty months if the estate went through probate. And cost more than twelve thousand dollars. For grievers, something has to give and often it’s work performance.
Victoria Volk: And while comprehensive statistics might vary, here are some general insights and stats related to grief in the workplace. As I mentioned, there’s a loss of productivity due to difficulty concentrating, decision-making challenges and emotional distress. According to the Grief Recovery Institute, grieving employees can cost companies billions of dollars annually in lost productivity. That is that hundred billion dollars I mentioned. Grief can lead to increased absenteeism as employees take time off to cope with their loss and attend funeral services. A study published in the Journal of Organizational Behavior found a positive correlation between grief and absenteeism. I mean, are we even surprised? I mean, truly, the grieving process can impact the individual experiencing a loss in their coworkers who may be asked to do more to compensate for the loss productivity of a grieving coworker. Coworkers may experience empathy fatigue or emotional exhaustion as they support grieving colleagues or may experience guilt not knowing what to do or how to respond to the grief of a coworker. They may even develop resentment.
Victoria Volk: A survey by the grief recovery institute found that a significant number of employees feel their employers are ill-equipped to handle grief in the workplace. Employers who are supportive and understanding in the face of employee grief may foster a more positive work environment. Some companies have implemented grief support programs, counseling services or employee assistance programs to help employees cope with loss.
Victoria Volk: According to a survey by the International Foundation of Employee Benefit Plans. About eighty percent of employers offer EAPs or employee assistant programs which may include grief counseling, which may include grief counseling, by the way. Not all workplaces have formal bereavement policies and the length of bereavement leave varies among companies such as, say, some as short as a few days. Some studies suggest that longer bereavement leave periods may be a so aid with better mental health outcomes for grieving employees. Grieving employees may be at a higher risk for developing mental health issues such as depression or anxiety. And addressing mental health concerns in the workplace, including grief-related issues, is gaining recognition as an essential aspect of employee well-being. Providing training for managers to recognize and respond appropriately to grieving employees is becoming more common in progressive workplaces as well. So we’re seeing progress and there is hope.
Victoria Volk: If you’re a manager or an employer, I want to give you some things to say to a grieving employee and what not to say. So things to say to a grieving employee. Often when a coworker reach turns to work after the death of a lockdown, we don’t know what to say, so we don’t say anything. But staying silent can make the grieving coworker feel isolated. So for example, show empathy. Say something like I’m glad you are back and we’re here for you. Or we can’t change what happened, but if there’s anything we can do to make your life easier, know that we are all here for you. You can acknowledge that grief is ongoing. Say something like, how are you today? Is better than, how are you? It allows people to answer honestly beyond just responding I’m fine. Show up with a specific offer. And make it clear that it’s okay if the person wants to decline, such as I’m in the lobby if you want to talk. I will be here for the next hour whether you come down or not. Take cues from the griever. You can say something like, I’d love to hear more about your loved one whenever that might be convenient for you. I want to respect your privacy.
Victoria Volk: And these are some things not to say. While well intended, these phrases focus on trying to make the loss go away rather than acknowledging its magnitude. Five phrases to avoid when talking with a colleague who has just lost a loved one. You are going to be fine. You’re still young so you can still have another child and get married again. For example, he or she is in a better place. Everything happens for a reason. Time heals everything. These are not helpful. And so please refer back to these if you find yourself in this situation and maybe say it to a friend or if it’s a coworker, This is information that you can share with those you know too to help them know what to say and what not to say.
Victoria Volk: I wanna move forward with talking about bereavement time because it is recommended that employers provide at least twenty days of bereavement leave for close family members. However, only four days is the average bereavement leave allotted for the death of a spouse or a child. Whereas three days is the average time off given for the loss of a parent, grandparent, domestic partner, sibling, grandchild, or foster child. For employees who have closed familial bonds, it can be helpful when bereavement leave is available for the deaths of relatives outside the immediate family. You can’t put a value on people’s feelings toward one another based solely on their relationship on the family tree. So it is essential for employers to be aware of the potential impact of grief on the workplace and to consider implementing supportive policies and programs. Keep in mind that the experience of grief is highly individual and workplaces should approach these matters with empathy and flexibility. Two areas companies can address today is rethinking bereavement leave policies and to address brief illiteracy by bringing in an educator like myself or in making grief training a part of HR onboarding. When loss inevitably happens and affects your team and colleagues, they will feel more confident and clear about how to collaborate and communicate with each other if they’re provided with the correct information and tools.
Victoria Volk: I hope that this information has been helpful if you are an employer and even if you are an employee, share it with your manager. This is something that affects the company as a whole and their bottom line. So this is a societal problem. This is an everyone issue. Grief is an everyone issue because it does affect everyone. I thank you for tuning in during this National Grief Awareness Week into this episode. Did you find any of the facts or stats alarming or surprising? Have you personally experienced challenges related to grief as a manager or employee? Please share your thoughts on social media. I’d love to keep the conversation going. I hope you come back for next week’s episode, where I’ll conclude National Grief Awareness Week by talking about grief and the holidays. And until then, remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Childhood Grief, Divorce, Educational, Grieving Voices Podcast, Parenting, Podcast, solo episode |
Part II | Supporting Children Through Divorce and The Holidays
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
This episode is a follow-up to the last one to bring awareness to Children’s Grief Awareness Day on November 16th, 2023.
In this episode, I dive into supporting children through divorce and their challenges during the holidays. We must recognize that children experience various forms of grief and that parents play a crucial role in helping them cope with loss. Parents who receive early education on loss are better prepared to support their children effectively.
The impact of divorce on children is explored, highlighting the multiple losses they experience and the difficulties they face in understanding love and commitment. It can’t be stated enough that parents face many challenges in being present and acknowledging their children’s feelings during a challenging time, such as navigating all of the changes that occur as a result of a divorce (or separation), particularly when the parents are grieving themselves.
This episode implores all adults to empathize with children struggling, particularly during holidays and challenging family situations. As a society, we must break the cycle of inadequate support by providing better guidance to the next generation.
I encourage all listeners to engage with the episode and provide feedback to help shape future discussions on supporting children through divorce and the holidays. We adults must raise awareness about children’s grief, advocate for improved support systems, and empower all parents to navigate challenging situations with sensitivity and understanding. Future generations depend on what we adults choose to do or not do in response to children’s grief.
RESOURCES:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk: Hello friend. Thank you for tuning in to this episode. And it is a follow-up episode to the one before last week, Children’s Grief Awareness. And I said in that episode that I would bring in part two where I’d be talking more about supporting children through divorce and through the holidays as it relates to grief and divorce in general.
Victoria Volk: And I wanna share that, the first episode, Children’s Grief Awareness part one, has not been a very popular episode, and I just want to share how sad that kind of makes me not kind of, it does make me sad. And I suppose, I’m not sure exactly who you are listening to this. Do you not have children? Do most people who listen to this podcast not have children? Are you older? And maybe your children are older? And don’t have young children anymore, that could be. I would love to know why that episode isn’t resonating or if it did, please share that too.
Victoria Volk: And I would just love to know like who’s really on the other side listening to my voice. Are you listening in the car? Are you listening while you wash dishes? Are you listening on your commute? Or when you’re walking, I would love to know. So please share your feedback on the podcast directly please email me. Consider this like you supporting me in research. Because I’m really am curious. Please email me at [email protected] or find me on social media, Instagram is usually where I like to is my go to @theunleashedheart, and on Facebook, you can message me, Victoria The Unleashed Heart.
Victoria Volk: Anyway, I’m sure you can find me. Links are in the show notes too. If you are interested in helping me do that research. I would love to know who you are listening because I really am curious why that episode isn’t so popular, but regardless because I’m so passionate about children’s grief and the child grievers out there because I was one and I grew up as one. I’m still going to record a part two even though that last episode may not have been as popular because I feel like it is such an important topic because even if your children are older, they’re teenagers this still applies to you if your children are adults, who may be are starting their own families. Please share this with them too. I guarantee you that you probably know or have a child in your life, and this is just great information to have in your back pocket or to share with someone you know.
Victoria Volk: So, piggybacking on what I shared last week. There are some points I want to drill home. Point one is that children learn how to deal with loss at a very early age. That’s something I didn’t talk about in the last episode, but the vast majority of parents don’t realize that children, by the age of three, have learned or developed seventy-five percent of the skills that they will use for the rest of their lives to deal with issues that face them. Most parents rarely know or think about this when they are dealing with the daily issues related to their children. I’ve been there so many times, I can’t even tell you. Parents are very much in the moment when they’re talking to their children and likely they don’t even take into consideration how their children store things in their personal belief system.
Victoria Volk: While the vast majority of the information that parents pass on is of value. Like, we all, we are the teachers. Right? Mixed in with all of that good information can be also misinformation on how to deal with loss. And I’ve talked about this before on the podcast, but when your back is up against the wall and you have a grief experience, you’re gonna resort to what you know. And even when your children are faced with a grieving experience, you as a parent are gonna resort to what you know and likely what you were taught as a child is what you will pass on to your child. Unconsciously or consciously, some things, we don’t even really think about it. We just respond. Right? We just react. And that’s what we tend to do is respond in a knee-jerk reaction.
Victoria Volk: Point two I wanna make is that grief is more than an emotional response to death. I’ve talked about this so many times, but again, it bears repeating when it comes to childhood grief too. Because it’s not just about death, and children don’t need to be dealing with a death to experience grief. Comes in a lot of forms. Many losses that impact a child may seem insignificant to you as the adult for like example, let’s say, their favorite toy, and they can’t find it. They lost it. Where another child broke it. It seems insignificant to use the adult or the parent. But to us, it’s like, I can just buy go buy another one. I mean, there’s a million in one soccer balls or whatever it is. But to the young child that lost that toy or that whatever it is, it can be overwhelming. Especially if maybe it was a gift or something like that. Likewise, as adults, we become accustomed to friends saying things to us that we might find upsetting. And we might take offense. And in the moment, but we often are able to look at that comment if we take a step back, look at it from a broader perspective, and based on our relationship, not let that statement have a long-lasting emotional impact on us.
Victoria Volk: However, adolescents and teens do not have an adult’s perspective. And can find one negative comment or a breach of confidentiality emotionally devastating. In both situations, children are dealing with a very real grief grieving experience. And without realizing it, the way parents respond to these early grieving experience can establish a pattern for how the child learns to deal with loss for the rest of their lives. Even though as parents, we don’t see these early issues as being related to grief. They have nonetheless set a reactive response to loss in the child’s belief system. And it’s not like we’re trying to pass on bad information to our children. It’s just something that happens. A child is the most complex thing we ever bring home and they do not have detailed cautionary information stamped on the bottom of them. Right? They don’t come with a manual.
Victoria Volk: Point three, early education on loss for parents helps prepare children. The children in their life Grief Education is prevention. This is prevention. Most parents never think about helping their children deal with personal emotional loss until there is a crisis of some kind. It may be the death of a family member, a friend, or a pet that forces them to act. And it might be a divorce or some other major life event. Rarely do parents realize that they have already inadvertently given children in ineffective tools to deal with loss, even with previous minor issues their children may have experienced. And when parents face a crisis, they equally find themselves lost, like, as anyone would. Right? Like grief devastating loss just flips your entire world upside down. So your first thought might be to send your child to a professional for assistance. But the problem with that is that the children may see the professionals as advice as being in conflict with what they have already learned. A complicating factor, no matter the value of what this professional tries to teach them, can be conflicting information if the parents are not on the same page as that professional. And so mixed information or interactions with the child can just all it does is create more confusion. Taking all of that into account alone, should have you running to the bookstore or going on to Amazon and ordering the book when children grieve just based on what I just said. Or finding a support group program, like someone like me who facilitates the Helping Children with Loss program. Rather than waiting to for you to recognize that your child is struggling, you can help though with an overwhelming loss in advance, why wait for there to be a devastating loss or an issue to surface before we decide to help our children. Doesn’t it make more sense to teach parents the things they need to know to help their child feel safe to express their sadness during those first three years of life? And again, this is when these children aren’t just starting to develop the belief system that they will use for the rest of their lives. That is why Helping Children with Loss, When Children Grieve The Handbook is prevention. This information is prevention.
Victoria Volk: Now that I’ve gotten these three points out, I wanna start talking about divorce in the holidays as it relates to children in their grief experience. And it might surprise you that we actually divide divorce into two different categories, long-term or sudden. And the difference with divorce is that there is often one partner who has been struggling for a long time. While the other partner has been unaware, that things are not right. And so when the later gets served with divorce papers, it can have the impact of a sudden death, and some children are very aware of a problem in their household. I would say most are aware because children are sponges. They take in information in all kinds of ways and their eyes and ears are always listening and hearing and seeing and watching. So they have often seen and been subjected to arguments between their parents over an extended period of time. And for those children, the announcement of a divorce will fall under the heading of a long-term condition. And on the other hand, some parents manage to conceal from their children, their personal difficulties with each other. And when children who were not aware of any major problems are informed of an impending divorce, their reaction is also as if a sudden death has happened. The impact can be overwhelming to a child. And there’s a high probability that a child may begin to participate in a variety of short-term energy-relieving behaviors in response to the sudden news of their parents’ divorce. It could be said that a divorce is a family matter. And even though there is truth in that comment, the bottom line is that the couple is getting the divorce and the children are in the line of fire. The collateral damage to the children can be monumental.
Victoria Volk: The children caught in a divorce are experiencing multiple losses. What loss or losses are they experiencing? Well, look at the conflicting feelings caused by a change or an end in a familiar pattern of behavior. So some examples of losses that children may experience while their parents are going through divorce is a loss of patient that this family would be together. The loss of trust, loss of familiarity and routines, loss of safety, loss of childhood, loss of residence, and or the change to dual residences. Any one of these losses is enough to break a child’s heart. Not to mention, feel overwhelming.
Victoria Volk: So let’s look at each of these in a little bit more detail. Looking at the loss of expectation that the family would be together, children are taught about love and honor and trust and loyalty by their parents. They learn how to be loving and considerate how to resolve conflicts and how to get along with others. And from literature and films and religious institutions, children also learn that the vows exchanged in the marriage ceremony pledge a commitment to those virtues. And whether or not you’ve experienced this, think about how can fusing and disturbing it must be to children when their parents cannot maintain that pledge to each other. Also, take loss of trust. Imagine the conflicting feelings children must experience as a divorce scenario unfolds, or explodes before their eyes. What reference point do they have to deal with those feelings? It is very difficult teach your children about love and simultaneously teach them about divorce. Given that implicit promise that the family will always be together, the divorce itself represents a major breach of trust.
Victoria Volk: Moving on to loss of familiarity and routines, this is difficult all by itself, and it’s often greatly intensified by the fact that children may be undergoing other major transitions as they move from childhood to adulthood. We know all too well that the stresses and strains of those transitions can have powerful consequences. And those transitions can be happening in every age bracket.
Victoria Volk: Next, loss of safety. Familiarity in routines build safety in a sense of well-being. The patterns established within a family are usually dismantled by divorce. Children flailing around and the emotional aftermath of a divorce often do not feel very safe. Safety and familiarity go hand in hand, so it is a good idea to limit the amount of additional changes.
Victoria Volk: Loss of childhood. The instinct for survival can take many forms. For the most part, survival actions are beneficial. Sometimes they backfire. The scenario in which children take care of a parent is one example of such a backfire. It is understandable that children who would instinctively try to protect the very person or people who are supposed to protect them. It’s the child’s way of trying to guarantee their own survival. But this impulse to care take puts them in conflict with their own nature. Divorce tends to turn children into amateur psychologists. It spurs them to analyze and figure things out. It forces them to grow up before their time and to take on attitudes and actions that are not appropriate to their time of life.
Victoria Volk: And I can say this specifically for myself that that holds a lot of truth just for my own experience of my dad passing when I was eight years old, my parents didn’t divorce. He died, but like I said earlier, divorce can be this long-term experience where it can be this like a sudden death. And so that’s where there’s similarities that can be expressed in divorce, as well as a death of a parent.
Victoria Volk: And talking about loss of residence or change to dual residences, everything that I’ve talked about has been magnified when the move is the result of a divorce. The moves or changes caused by the divorce carrying emotional weight which is added to the fact that moving in and of itself changes everything that is familiar and routine for a child. Think about it. If you change your job, you’re going to a new you might move across to a different state, you’re going to have new coworkers, new neighbors, new friends. You’re leaving old friends and colleagues behind. The same goes for children. But it’s on a scale that taking all these other things into consideration and what I’ve already shared you can see why this would have probably long-term effects on the well-being of a child.
Victoria Volk: And here’s what I’ll say to all of this. When as parents, we work on our own grief and work to resolve what is emotionally complete for ourselves and the losses that we’ve experienced in our life, whether it’s loss of trust or loss of safety or loss of our spouse or parent. We learn how to simply be present with a child in our life. Regardless of their age. You can simply be and not have to do anything. You don’t have to fix your child. You don’t have to give advice. You don’t have to jump in or change a subject. You can just listen and acknowledge. And this is what builds trust with children. And I will go on to say to starting first, going first, speaking to how you had expectations for your life with your significant other that didn’t work out, but that doesn’t mean that that child has loved any less. It doesn’t mean that you care about that, the other parent, any less. You might, but to not use that time that you have with your child to bad mouth or talk about the other parent, but instead use the time that you have with your child to. Let them share. Let them express. Let them give voice to what they’re feeling, to what they’re thinking. That is what builds trust with children.
Victoria Volk: And this is where grief recovery is the most helpful because you can simply learn how to connect with your child at an emotional level. And not take away the feelings of the child. That’s not the goal. It’s not the goal to fix just to be and listen. And so as we’re navigating the holidays coming up and the changes of homes or sharing the holiday with a significant other or your now ex-spouse, or ex-significant other. Think about that. Think about what that child put yourself in the shoes of the child. What will they be experiencing? What would how are they feeling about especially if this is the first holiday the first Thanksgiving or the first Christmas where the child is feeling torn between two homes. Feeling torn from their mother, being feeling torn from their father, or whatever the situation is. It could even be a grandparent and a parent. Right? I mean, there are so many different scenarios to what a family looks like these days that I just my point is though is to think about the child put yourself attempt to put yourself in that child’s shoes. And your child may say, well, you might ask, well, how are you doing? I’m fine. Children might appear to be fine. They might appear unscathed. But I guarantee you all of the change and disruption to their life, especially if it was I would say regardless if it was like this long-term thing that they saw issues, they knew that there were issues versus feeling like it was a sudden death. Either way, there is gonna be changes that the entire family will have to navigate and adapt to.
Victoria Volk: And I think if the child is brought into the fold of that experience and not shut out or, I mean, if you might think that you’re protecting them, but if protecting them is not letting them talk about their feelings or not letting them share or not having them have a voice that is not helping them. And so I just wanted to encourage you if you find yourself in this situation or someone who is or if it was a death, let’s say it was a death of a parent, all of these things can still apply that I just talked about. There’s still going to be a lot of change. There’s still going to be a lot of uncertainty and by keeping those points in mind that I started out this episode with, you can be a soft space. And a place for a child to turn to not to be fixed, but to be heard.
Victoria Volk: And I guess that’s my whole point in sharing this episode. These two episodes is to bring awareness to childhood grief because it is a thing. Even though child children may appear fine, they may appear like they’re not being affected. I guarantee you they are on some level. They could just be expressing what they’ve learned from you. They could be emulating what they’ve learned from you. And so take that into consideration like how have you shown up in your grief and express that to your child regardless of what their age is because you can look back in hindsight and you’re always a parent. You’re forever a parent. That never changes. So whether it is an adult child or whether it is a young child, this is an episode where you can reflect on the past and think about the lessons that you passed out to your children and maybe share this episode with them and have a conversation. Maybe some things that you would have liked to have done differently or that you wish would have gone differently. That’s grief too. Grief is a loss of hope, dreams, and expectations. Anything that we wish would have been or could be different, better, or more.
Victoria Volk: And that’s what I gotta say about that. This is for the children out there, the grievers, the most vulnerable among us, and you grow up one day. I know you’re a child. You’re not as a child, you’re not probably listening to this. But as an adult, if you were a child who experienced a lot of grief and you grew up with grief. I see you. I hear you. I know you because I am you. And this is why I’m so passionate about sharing this information today in this episode and the last episode. And I do hope that the downloads go up because there are a whole lot of children suffering in this world and there are a whole lot of adults who grew up as children who felt as though they were suffering.
Victoria Volk: And if you are now a parent like me and you were a child griever, you can break the cycle. You can break those patterns and those things that you learned that were misinformation and unhelpful to you you can learn new knowledge and new tools to support your children and to break that cycle moving forward. That’s all I gotta say today on this topic. I hope you found it helpful. Please share it with a parent that you know or love or use it as a tool for yourself to become a better version of yourself as a parent to children that you are raising. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Childhood Grief, Grieving Voices Podcast, Parenting, Podcast, solo episode |
Part I | Children’s Grief Awareness
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
In light of November 16th being Children’s Grief Awareness Day, I recount my experience as a child griever in today’s episode.
Back in the ’80s, and still very much today, the topic of grief was uncomfortable and not something people openly shared their feelings about. Not to mention, the resources that exist today did not exist back then, leaving society to fend for itself and perpetuate the myths of grief I so often talk about: Don’t Feel Bad, Replace the Loss, Grieve Alone, Be Strong, Keep Busy, and Time Heals.
Growing up with grief poses many challenges for children, particularly with the loss of parents, safety, and security. The myths of grief have been ingrained in our society, and grieving children of the past, like myself, grow up passing those same myths down to their children. Hence, the cycle of grief misinformation continues. This is why I am so passionate about talking about grief because the cycle must be broken.
The more people who recognize they’re not forever broken or destined for a life of grief and instead learn new information and tools, the better off future generations will be – the better off our world will be.
I encourage all listeners to empathize with grieving children during this Children’s Grief Awareness Day. Reflect on the role you play in the life of a grieving child you know. If you want a child to feel safe in sharing, as an adult, you often have to go first in sharing.
Through this episode, you will also learn children’s common reactions to grief and more. In Part II, I will focus on an experience many children have today – divorced parents and navigating the holidays, especially if this is the first holiday without a loved one.
RESOURCES:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk: Hello, hello, good morning, good afternoon, or good evening, whatever time it is that you are listening to this thank you for being here. If this is your first time listening, I hope you enjoy this episode. And if you find it helpful, I hope you share it or leave a five-star review if you feel like it’s beneficial information and if you walked away learning something, and if this is not your first time listening, thank you for tuning in again. And if you have not left a review yet for the podcast, I would greatly appreciate it.
Victoria Volk: Today, I wanna talk more about child grief because Thursday, November sixteenth is Children’s Grief Awareness Day. And I felt it was important just to share a little bit more on this topic for children’s grief awareness because I think, let’s say, if you lose your spouse or you lose your parent, right, if the child loses their grandparent, it can be really easy to kinda get wrapped up in your own emotions and your own feelings and thoughts and sadness. Right? And I certainly experienced this for myself as a child griever where there really wasn’t a lot of communication with me asking me as an eight-year-old how I felt about my dad’s passing or how I felt about not seeing him or essentially growing up without him.
Victoria Volk: There really wasn’t a whole lot of conversation directed at me and about how I was dealing with that devastating loss. He had been sick for several years colon cancer. I am currently the age that my dad was when he passed away. I’m forty-four years old. And I cannot imagine. He was sick for about two years before he passed. And by the time they caught it, it was or founded it was too late, but he hung on. And he put up the good fight, but I did have a lot of difficulty with that loss, both getting into my twenties, certainly as a teenager it’s not an easy time anyway, but my mother had I’ll say quickly because to me, as a kid, it’s seemed quick. Within two years, my mom was remarried and this new guy was in our life and he treated me well. There was no issue there. He wasn’t there a lot because he was a long-haul trucker.
Victoria Volk: And my childhood was just a really, like, full of extremes. Right? It was these really high highs and these really low lows. But there was more lows than there were highs because they didn’t have the best relationship. And of course, it’s really difficult to be married to someone who isn’t there a whole lot just in general. So anyway, my childhood and my teen years were just a really difficult time, and that was the best I could, and I found myself really trying to emotionally care take others I was often the emotional caretaker for my mom and for a lot of friends, like I was the shoulder that friends cried on, and I was happy to be the supportive friend, to be the friend that was there for everyone.
Victoria Volk: I’d been through a lot at that by my teen years, I had been through a lot and experienced a lot more than maybe some people I know that are my age now. And so I had to grow up fast I did. I had to grow up fast. And so I really don’t feel like I had much of a carefree childhood that children really do deserve. And so that’s really why I wanted to highlight this topic today because for me, Children Grief Awareness Day is all about the kids. So I just want you to listen and set aside whatever you’re experiencing, whatever sadness and grief and whatever you’re feeling about a loss that you’ve recently had, and you have a child that’s experiencing it alongside you. I want you to just set aside whatever you’re feeling and attempt to put yourself in the shoes of this child that you know or love. No end love. Maybe it’s your own child. Maybe it’s your grandchild. Maybe it is maybe you’re an older sibling and it’s a younger child in the family, that’s still at home because maybe you’re in your twenties and your sibling is like fifteen I don’t know, but I’m just the focus today, let’s put it on the children. And so as you’re listening to this episode, it is my hope that you walk away from this episode learning something.
Victoria Volk: So many of the normal and natural signs of grief are fairly obvious. And most of those signs would be the same for a child’s reaction to a death, divorce or some other type of loss. But let’s just say we’re talking about news about a death. Often, the immediate response learning of a death is a sense of, like, this numbness, which can last a different amount of time for each child. What usually lasts longer and is even more universe is a reduced ability to concentrate. And I can say that for me, as a child, if I would have gone to a therapist or a psychologist or what had you, which was not the case. My mom would have probably been told that I had ADHD. So other common reactions include major changes in eating and sleeping patterns. These patterns can alternate from one extreme to the other. Also typical is a roller coaster of emotional highs and lows. And these are not stages. They’re simply just some of the normal ways in which the body and the mind and especially the emotions respond to the overwhelmingly painful information that something out of the ordinary has occurred.
Victoria Volk: So going back to my personal experience as a child griever, and within the year of my dad’s passing, I know I mentioned this on the podcast before, but if you’ve never listened to an episode, I was molested and in going into my teen years. So when I say that my childhood was you know, not much of a childhood. I’m this is the context in which I’m speaking to that. So there was a lot of change and a lot of trauma in my early life. And I can tell you that I slept a lot. Most of the pictures I have of myself as a child are of me sleeping, sleeping in the middle of the living room, floor midday or before actually bedtime, falling asleep on my bed before a birthday party, which I completely miss because my mother felt the need to take a picture but not wake me up for the birthday party. And I was a tardy a lot with school. And I would always get an elementary school. It was like an n for needs improvement. I would always have an n for listens to and follows directions.
Victoria Volk: So again, comes back to this change in sleep patterns or inability to concentrate. And just really fidgety. Like, I just recall being very just very much in, like, my own la la land. But these reactions to a death are normal and typical. And even if there has been a long-term illness, like in the case of my dad, which may have included substantial time and opportunity to so unquote unquote prepare for that which would inevitably happen. We cannot repair ourselves or our children in advance for the emotional reaction to a death because we don’t understand the finality. We can’t even wrap our heads around the finality of that moment until it actually occurs.
Victoria Volk: If you’ve listened to any previous episodes, you’ve heard me say that grief isn’t just about physical death. There’s a much broader definition that encompasses all losses experiences, which I’ve shared before on this podcast. But if this is your first time listening, grief is the conflicting feelings caused by a change or an end in a familiar pattern of behavior. So, if you’re thinking about like these list of losses that include death of a pet, death of a grandparent, moving, divorce, divorce of a child’s parents, and death of a parent. Each of these losses represents a massive change or end from everything familiar. With death, the person or path that has always been. There is no longer there. With moving, the familiar place and surroundings are different. Divorce alters all of the routines in a child’s life. It often includes changes in living situations and separation from extended family, members and friends. All of these losses mentioned carry with them the obvious emotional impact that we can all imagine would affect children.
Victoria Volk: But our definition of grief includes the idea that there are conflicting feelings. If you’ve ever had a loved one who struggled for a long time with the terminal illness, you may have had some feelings of relief when that person died. The relief usually stems from the idea that your loved one is no longer in pain. At the same time, your heart may have felt broken because he or she was no longer here. So the conflicting feelings are relief and sadness. Moving also sets up conflicting feelings. We may miss some of the familiar things that we liked about the old house or the neighborhood. And at the same time really like some of the things about the new place.
Victoria Volk: Children are particularly affected by changes in locations, routines, and physical familiarity, death, divorce, and even moving or obvious losses, unless the parent or loss is having to do with health issues, a major change in the physical or mental health of a child or a parent can have dramatic impact on a child’s life. And even though children are not usually involved with financial matters, they can also be affected by major financial changes, positive or negative within their family. Society has identified more than forty life experiences that produce feelings of grief. And at the Grief Recovery Institute, they’ve expanded that list to include many of the loss experiences that are less concrete and difficult to measure such as loss of trust, loss of safety, and loss of control are the most prominent of the intangible but life altering experiences that affect children’s lives.
Victoria Volk: Intangible losses tend to be hidden and often do not surface until later in life through therapy and other self-examinations. I can tell you that that was certainly true for myself. I hope that this initial information is a good foundation that it helps you gain a better understanding of how grief just doesn’t impact you, but it impacts the children in your life in a lot of similar ways, but in a lot of different ways too.
Victoria Volk: I’m gonna make this a two-part series. Next week, I’m going to record and focus on children with divorce, experiencing their parents with divorce. Because we’re going into Thanksgiving and the holidays and things and with it being Children’s Grief Awareness Day. I’m just gonna make this a two-part and hopefully you can find some resources and support in moving into the holidays through these couple episodes. That’s the episode for today. I laid the foundation. Come back next week for where we’re gonna talk about divorce. And that impact on children and navigating all of that with the holidays. So I hope to have you back next week. And in the meantime, remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Grieving Voices Podcast, Pet Loss, Podcast, solo episode |
Grieving the Loss of a Pet
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
The global pet market is worth $261B. Additionally, U.S. pet owners will spend nearly $110B on their pets this year, with $490M on Halloween costumes alone. These stats (and more) are shared on this week’s episode and are provided by PetKeen.com.
More importantly, there are an estimated 14 million pet deaths each year in the U.S., which, when combined with the other 40+ losses, creates a lot of grievers annually.
It’s commonplace to replace the death of a pet with a new one. And as a society, we don’t view the death of a beloved pet in the same way we view the death of the humans in our lives. However, all the same, the death of a pet can be a tremendous loss for someone.
Considering how much we love our pets and how many of us are pet owners, you would think we would be more compassionate toward those who must surrender or say goodbye to a companion who held a pivotal role in their daily lives. And yet, there is still so much education to be done in grief – even when grieving a four-legged fur baby, bird, snake, or whatever creature has captured your heart.
RESOURCES:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk: Good morning, good afternoon, or good evening, whatever time it is you’re listening to this week’s episode. Thank you for being here. If you are liking the podcast and enjoying it, I hope you share it with someone you know or love who may benefit or leave a five-star review on Apple iTunes or wherever you listen and share a few thoughts if you feel inclined to as well. I read all of them and it’s always a joy for me to read how my this podcast is impacting the listeners. And that is you. So thank you for tuning in.
Victoria Volk: And today, I want to piggyback on the last episode with Maha Bodhi, we were talking about her pet loss. And so today, I want to dive into the topic of pet loss a little bit more and in more general terms. And as far as how the grief recovery institute, addresses pet loss, which is very similar to how we address the loss of someone we love or don’t love. Right? Because relationships with people are complicated and sometimes they are less than loving. But nonetheless, even if that relationship is less than loving, there likely is some complex emotions behind that relationship. Right? Because people can disappoint you, they can hurt you, and yet, well, if they’re your parent well, you should love them anyway. Right? You should be grateful that you have a parent. All these things that flood a griever’s mind when it is a less than loving relationship and sometimes too when it is a loving relationship. Right? Because relationships are tricky and challenging and complex. It’s not cut and dry. It’s not black and white. There’s many nuances to relationships because we are complex human beings. So you put complex human beings together, and where do you get? A hodgepodge of complexity.
Victoria Volk: So anyway, today we’re gonna talk about pet loss. And I’m actually going to start this episode by talking about some staggering statistics and trends that I was reading about in preparation for this episode, that I wanna share with you, that just highlight how much we as a society in this, I believe these statistics just apply to well, globally and in just the US. So globally, the pet market is worth two hundred and sixty-one billion dollars. B billion. B billion with a b. And US pet owners will spend nearly a hundred and ten billion dollars, a hundred and ten billion with a b, on their pets this year. Four hunt nook it. This is crazy. Four hundred and ninety million dollars alone will be spent on Halloween costumes. And when this podcast is airing, it is Halloween, so Happy Halloween to you in your little pooch. Who may be dressed up, this Halloween. And another statistic is in the last five years, raw food has seen a hundred and forty percent hundred and forty-seven percent increase in purchasing patterns. In the US, eighty-three percent of dogs and seventeen percent of cats are insured, which that one surprised me. I’ve personally looked into it, but I haven’t gotten insurance from my dog. He’s eight or is he nine? Anyway, he’s a senior citizen at this point. And his name is Gizmo and he’s a purebred habanese. And he’s actually relatively he’s pretty healthy. Aside from a few teeth that have had to been had to be pulled. I think he had two teeth pulled. He hasn’t had any issues, so I got very lucky with a healthy dog.
Victoria Volk: And also more than half of pet owners will or are willing to pay more for eco friendly pet care products. Another interesting statistic is that millennials lead the pack in terms of pet ownership by generation with thirty-two percent of people born between nineteen eighty-one and nineteen ninety-six being pet parents. Nearly one in three millennials has an animal at home and coincidentally, nearly one in three veterinarians in today’s working market are of the millennial generation. Pet ownership is next highest in baby boomers with twenty-seven percent followed by Gen Xers at twenty-four percent. And pet owner pet sitting is also seeing a rise. Two it’s a two-point six billion dollar industry as of twenty nineteen and is continually growing. Pet ownership actually, although it increased during the pandemic, the number of animals adopted from shelters has dropped by twenty percent and that was as of twenty twenty.
Victoria Volk: Yeah. It’s just crazy to me and even like just the pet food and market is valued at twenty-two point eight billion dollars. We all love our pets. Obviously, like, people love their pets. And so why is it in a society of people who love their pets? Is pet loss one of the most minimized losses? Why do people feel like they can’t express their grief when it comes to pet loss? I know not everybody feels that way, but for the most part generally speaking, you know, when someone loses a pet, they don’t feel like they can talk about it because it’s not a human. Right? And we have this hierarchy this unspoken hierarchy I think that human life is more valuable than than pet life or animal life. But to someone who has developed an emotional bond with a pet, of any kind, it doesn’t have to be a dog. It doesn’t have to be cat. Like, the common pets. I mean, a pet can be a snake that someone has emotionally bonded to. I mean, when I’m talking about pet loss, I’m not specifying dog or cat or anything like that, but I’ll just speak to dogs because that’s what I have. Probably more so than any other type of pet. But and I know plenty of cat people too, and I am not a cat person. They’re cute when they’re little, but I don’t know. Cat hair. That’s why I have a dog that doesn’t shed. I am not a fan of animal hair and cats are just they’re kind of rogue. They do what they want. They go where they want. I’m not a fan of that. So, therefore, I am a dog person rather than a cat person.
Victoria Volk: Anyway, we are in a society that minimizes these losses. As a kid, I had to say goodbye to several pets because either the neighbor was unhappy with the dog barking or it had to be tied up outside because I couldn’t have pets in the house. I would always try and bring in stray cats. I was always feeding the strays, trying to bring animals home, I had gone through so many pets. We actually did, this was before I have a memory of it, but apparently when I was really little, we did have a big dog, like a sheep dog, I guess, in the house. And supposedly, he was poisoned. I don’t know that was before my time, but I don’t know. Maybe that must have been really traumatic for my mom and my dad at the time and maybe they swore off no more animals in the house after that. I have no idea. Actually, I should ask my mom about that.
Victoria Volk: But anyway, I digress. Grief Recovery Institute actually has a pet loss program that has been made available by the Grief Recovery Institute and it is a program that I am certified to facilitate in a group or individually. And some might be listening to this and wondering why is there a separate group for pet loss, but like there isn’t a separate group for like people who’ve lost a child or people who are going through a divorce or things like that. The reason is because of something I’ve already mentioned, not the whole reason but a large part of the reason is because when someone who’s had a pet loss to go into a group setting, in particular, with people who have lost a child or people who have lost a loved one they may feel judged for being there, for having the feelings that they feel after losing their beloved pet. And again, it comes back to the societal idea of of this hierarchy of loss.
Victoria Volk: But what I was started to touch on before and I don’t think I finished my thought is that when you let’s say you’re a single person, you don’t have a lot of family around you, if any family. You don’t have children. You’re animal. Your pet is your significant other. Your pet is your child. Your pet is your everything. You do everything with this pet. If it’s a dog, maybe you take your dog everywhere you go. Your dog is very much ingrained, or your pet, is very much ingrained in your daily habits, in your daily life. And when that is gone, it shakes up everything for you because no longer is this companion there to greet you when you come in the door or is there for you when you’re feeling sad or we can develop these codependent relationships with our pets just as easily as we can with our humans with humans.
Victoria Volk: But the benefit of having a pet, right, is they don’t talk back. They love unconditionally, and that can actually make it easier to create this codependent relationship, this emotional codependent relationship where when that pet is gone, oh, you are so quick to replace it. And I think that’s what happens oftentimes in society and others have this belief that that you can just replace that dog. You can just you can get another gizmo. Like I when my dog dies, people probably will think, well, just get another gizmo. I can’t get another gizmo. There is no gizmo like gizmo. I personally trained him. I did a lot of research and how to choose an animal and how to train a dog. Because I wanted a lifelong companion in our home, for our family, an animal that would fit with our family dynamic. And I think with that going into it with that intention, we didn’t end up in the situation we had before, not once, but twice, where we had to rehome a rescue. Because the timing was not right, It just wasn’t very good timing. We weren’t a good fit for the dog, and the dog wasn’t a good fit for us. And I knew it. And the animal knew it. And so then we started seeing these behavioral issues. And I could just see that this and it comes down, maybe the breed or you know, because it was a rescue. Who knows what that what trauma that animal had before coming into our home? And so it just wasn’t a really good environment for the dog, and the dog wasn’t a good fit for us. And so that happened twice where we had to rehome pets. And I didn’t want to have that happen again. And so in finding Gizmo, I did a lot of research and investment of time, a lot of time to be intentional and to ensure that he would be in her home until his last breath. And it has worked out really well. And I would do it all over again, maybe or not. I’m not even sure. I can’t replace him. There is no other dog like him. And we can’t replace our parents. We can’t replace our significant others. We can’t replace our children. And you can’t replace your pet. There will never be another pet like pet that you had and the bond that you shared. And when you try to do that too soon without intention and more of a fear-based decision and more of an emotional decision without working through a lot of these things I’m going to briefly discuss (which are quite similar to what we do in grief recovery with human relationships) you find that you start at square one. Like my last guest did, if you go back and listen to the last episode with Maha, she talks about this. I didn’t even know that she had gone. I knew she was looking at a pet and I cautioned her to take as much time as she needed. But emotionally, that poll to replace that loss was stronger than her inner wisdom. I mean, I think if we sit long enough with our own hearts and minds, we come to the best conclusion for ourselves. But if we don’t do that and we’re just wrapped up in the emotion of the loss and wrapped up in ego. Right? And just wanting to feel better and ready to do about anything to feel better. That’s when we make decisions that are not the best aligned for us. And in this circumstance, the other animal or in a circumstance with a human, the other human, if you’re jumping from one relationship to the next without really becoming emotionally complete with the one before it, you’re bringing all that emotional stuff into that current relationship. Whether it’s a pet or whether it’s a human.
Victoria Volk: And so today, I’m just gonna share with you, this isn’t any different than going through grief recovery when you’re working through a loss of a a human. You still have those six myths. Don’t feel bad. Replace the loss. Grieve alone. Be strong. Keep busy. Time heals all wounds. Like, these are the six myths that are still applicable to pet loss as they are to human loss.
Victoria Volk: In the United States alone, it is estimated that there are more than fourteen million pet deaths each year, and death of a pet is an obvious heartbreaking loss, but and it can occur in many ways. Including pets that run away or are surrendered due to financial reasons. These losses combined account for nearly forty million new grievers every single year. So given these the dimension of the problem, you would think there would be a tremendous number of resources available for those who have lost a beloved pet, and you would be wrong. Maybe after a pet loss, you phone yourself googling how to get over the loss of a pet, and you discover that there’s probably very little effective guidance for grieving pet owners. There are first-person books in which grieving pet owners describe their pain, sometimes in very poetic language. And yes, there are other books that provides a measure of comfort by helping the griever not feel so alone. And yet, again, there are some support groups where people can talk about the pain they feel in a safe nonjudgmental environment, but those books and those groups tend to provide only short term not the kind of long-term completion of the grief caused by the death of your pet.
Victoria Volk: As I’ve talked about, compounding the problem is fact that friends and even family often don’t understand or accept the intensity of the grief we feel when our pets die. And that sad fact makes many pet grievers isolate from human contact for fear they will be judged. The main goal of grief recovery method in working with, within the context of human relationships is to become complete. It might reuse words complete or completion or working through what is emotionally incomplete. Right? And So we generally don’t have arguments with our pets, but we’re often left feeling unfinished with things we’d hope to do with them but never did. Or maybe that was a traumatic end to the relationship with a pet, maybe they ran away, or maybe you had to euthanize your pet as my previous guest Maha did. That is a really difficult decision to have to make and that’s where a lot of grievers find themselves kind of stuck in that emotional loss that the deep sense of regret sometimes over the loss of their pet. Part of what makes a relationship with their pets different from our human ones is that there aren’t usually as many things that would fall into the category of different as it relates to day-to-day interactions. When we say, within the context of human relationships, grief is that anything that you wish would have been different, better, or more. And so if it’s when you start thinking about some of the events that surround the end of your pet’s life or that end of that relationship that you might find yourself questioning decisions that you had to make. If you think about it, you’ll realize that those decisions which were often about medical concerns were not directly about your long-term emotional relationship with your pet. But since you felt responsible for your pet’s well-being. The end-of-life issues can become very emotional for you as you go over and over the circumstances that led up to the death, for example. After your pet dies, for example, you might have told the story of what happened at the end of your pet’s life many times to friends and family, yet you may still be having a difficult time adapting to your life and the changes you perceive as the result of the absence of your companion, you may have begun to realize that repeating the story is not freeing you from the painful feelings you have concerning whether or not you did the right things. So you get caught in this this loop. For many years. And sometimes even decades as you replay the circumstances over and over in your heart and in your head. As a result, you just tend to isolate further and further from people, and even other animals who are or might be part of your life. And so there’s so many different scenarios as to what happens at the end of a relationship with a pet that I’m not gonna go into and give a bunch of examples, but and it doesn’t matter. Right?
Victoria Volk: Because the loss of a pet is the loss of a pet. It doesn’t matter how that happened in the grand scheme of things because the process of what we take you through through the Pet loss Program is still the same. That doesn’t change. With Pet loss, we’re still gonna create a relationship graph, you’re still going to create the different components of the recovery categories. You’re going to write out your significant emotional statements and you still finish with the completion letter, none of that changes in the pet loss program as opposed to the grief recovery loss program for human relationships.
Victoria Volk: And even after the pet loss program, there’s still work to do, right? Because oftentimes after the loss of a pet or even a human being, right, there’s this cleanup work where looking at the outside reminders of the loss, some grieving pet owners hold on to everything that represents the pet that died. That is called enshrinement. We can actually do that with humans. Like, keep this is when you keep the bedroom the exact same way or, you know, create like this shrine really of the person that you lost with their things and their trinkets and whatnot. And so this is called what we call in grief recovery enshrinement. As Maha was going through the loss of her pet and grieving him before he even passed, as an end-of-life doula, with humans, I had recommended to her that she reach out to a local end-of-life doula who could support her in live in person through the loss of her pet because I knew how important her pet was to her and I’m however far away I am from California, thousands of miles away, I was unable to be present to support her in that way. And so she did that. She reached out to a local end-of-life doula And that was incredibly serving, helpful, and healing for her.
Victoria Volk: And so I would recommend to you too if you’re facing the loss of your pet and you just have no idea where to turn or what to do and lack the support either from loved ones or friends. I highly recommend see if there is a local end-of-life doula that is willing to hold your hand through that process and guide you through some maybe some painful things and emotions that come up, but also to help you in what Maha’s end-of-life doula did was create a ritual around her dog blake’s passing. She brought the dog home, they washed him, and bathed him, and just it was this ritualistic memorial service of sorts that she was able to honor his life in what he meant to her. And I think that wasn’t from what she described, very healing.
Victoria Volk: And so I would go back and listen to that episode and maybe feel some inspiration around that as being possible for you too. If you have found this information helpful, I highly recommend to dig more deep into the details, I would recommend getting a copy of the book, The Grief Recovery Handbook for Pet Loss. I will link to it in the show notes. I will also link to an organization or a company or business that actually creates memorials for pets and also a link to I think they create animal earns and things like that. A link to that in the show notes as well. Any other links I can think of or I will add in the show notes some resources for those of you who may be in this situation where you’re having to prepare to say goodbye to your beloved pet or maybe you had a pet that passed away or ran away or you had to rehome for whatever reason. I hope this podcast episode was helpful for you in recognizing that you are not alone.
Victoria Volk: Of course, there are millions of us animal lovers, pet lovers out there. And if there’s so many of us, clearly, that we’re spending billions of dollars on our pets and we love our pets fiercely, then why is it still one of the most minimized losses. Why are we still saying things to people? Like, oh, that’s okay. You can get a new dog. Just go down to the pet store, get a new dog tomorrow. We need to stop that. We need to stop that language and just hold each other with compassion. That just because you feel like you can just go down to the pet store tomorrow and replace your dog doesn’t mean the next person feels that way. So it’s honoring each other where we’re at and check out the book. I think you’d find it very helpful if you are wanting to work through a pet loss that you’ve had. I will put a link in the show notes as well to my program where we can work one-on-one online, and remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Emotions, Energy, Grieving Voices Podcast, Mental Health, Mind/Body Wellness, Podcast, solo episode, Spirituality |
Biofield Tuning: Raising Voltage & Harmonizing the Body
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Biofield Tuning is a type of sound healing that helps to relieve emotional and physical stress. It is a holistic wellness modality that uses the vibration from tuning forks to induce targeted relaxation and to recalibrate our vibrational rhythms from stressors that deplete us. Your biofield or aura is the electromagnetic energy field that surrounds your body, which extends 5-6′ in all directions from your body. It is connected with your conscious and subconscious mind, including all your memories.
Because we are electrical beings, what affects one part affects the whole. What happens within the body is expressed in the body’s magnetic field (or Biofield). And what is stuck, perturbed, or tangled in the magnetic field informs the body – they are connected. Through Biofield Tuning, we can use electromagnetism within (and around) the body to rewire, recharge, and raise the body’s voltage.
In his book, A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle describes the “pain body” as “the remains of pain left behind by every strong negative emotion that is not fully faced, accepted, and then let go of, join together to form an energy field that lives in the very cells of your body.” In Biofield Tuning, we work within the energy field to bring harmony so the body can operate at its fullest energetic potential and expression. This harmony brought to the body can be incredibly supportive to those grieving.
***SURPRISE! Through October, I’m offering ✨10 discount codes ✨ for NEW Energy Healing Clients. Use the code grievingvoices10 to receive 10% off any energy healing session. You don’t have to schedule in October to receive the discount. If the code does not work, all ten codes have been redeemed. ***
RESOURCES:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk: Good morning, good afternoon, or good evening, whatever time it is you’re listening to this episode. Thank you so much for tuning in and for pushing play and for being here. If this is your first time listening, this is a great episode to start with, but if not, thank you for tuning in again.
Victoria Volk: Today, I want to talk about something I haven’t talked about yet on the podcast and shared with you, and that is about biofield tuning which is an energy healing modality that I offer in person and over distance. And I’ll get into a lot of stuff today, so let’s get into it.
Victoria Volk: So the founder of biofuel tuning Eileen McKusick. She created her own set of tuning forks and the process of biofuel tuning. And she mapped out the biofield through her twenty-plus years of research and then working with individuals and groups. But biofield tuning is a type of sound healing that helps to relieve emotional and physical stress. It is a holistic wellness modality that uses the vibration from tuning forks to induce targeted relaxation and to recalibrate our vibrational rhythms from stressors that deplete us.
Victoria Volk: Your biofield or aura is the electric magnetic energy field that surrounds your body. It extends five to six feet out from you and it is connected with your conscious and subconscious mind, including all of your memories. A biofield tune introduces a coherent sound into the energy field, allowing the body’s nervous system to release subtle energy that creates dissonance in our lives. By activating a tuning fork in the biofield that offers your body the information it needs to recalibrate itself. During a biofield tuning session, a client lies fully clothed on a treatment table while the practitioner slowly scans the body, with an activated tuning fork beginning from a distance. If the session is conducted at a distance, the client may rest quietly and comfortably in their home or go about their day. Although I do find clients appreciate the opportunity to connect and rest during this session but either way, the energetic turbulences that must be addressed will come up regardless of what you do during the session. As your practitioner, I feel for resistance and turbulence in your energy field. I also listen for a change in the overtones and undertones of the tuning fork. And when a turbulent area is encountered, I continue to activate the tuning fork holding it in that area.
Victoria Volk: And research suggests that the body’s organizational energy uses the tuning fork steady coherent vibrational frequency to tune itself. Soon the dissonance results and the resistance gives way. This resistance seems to correspond to the release of subconsciously held tension in the body. One might interpret this as a kind of targeted nervous to biofeedback. Eileen founder has come to see this process as consciousness hacking, a side door entry into the psyche, working with what has been hidden in plain view, which assists people in making changes they otherwise could not on their own. Holding an activated tuning fork in the area of the traumatic memory or another challenging period produces repeatable, predictable outcomes. The sound input helps the body digest and integrate unprocessed experiences. As the biofield dissonance subsides, clients generally report feeling lighter and diminishing or resolving of their symptoms.
Victoria Volk: So we can think of the human body as a tuning, self-tuning instrument just like you can use a tuning fork to tune a piano. You can also use the tuning fork to tune the body as I’ve talked about. And as I mentioned, biofuel tuning uses these tuning forks to scan through the body’s electromagnetic field and then finds that distance and resistance. And anything with electric current running through, it has a magnetic field around it. A changing magnetic field can cause electric changes, charges to move, essentially moving energy. Because if you remember from high school science class, energy can neither be changed nor destroyed. It can only be moved.
Victoria Volk: A vibrating tuning fork produces electricity and therefore magnetism. The tuning fork acts like a magnet, moving charges within the body’s magnetic field, shifting how electricity moves through the body. Pain can be experienced as too much electric current through the wires or the nerves. And we know that magnetic fields guide electric currents. So by shifting the body’s magnetic field, and thus shifting the electrical flow in the body, we can release pain, tension, stuck emotions and trauma.
Victoria Volk: Pain is essentially a manifestation of too much electrical current through the wires, and we can redirect that energy by manipulating the magnetic field. And with tuning forks, we can sense the rhythms of the currents in the body in a similar way to how punctured needles are used. Essentially, I and other certified biofuel tuning practitioners are bioelectricians.
Victoria Volk: In his book, A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle describes the pain body, which he describes in which we describe in biofuel tuning as being perturbations and stuck energy, Eckhart states that “the remains of pain left behind by every strong negative emotion that is not fully faced, accepted, and then let go of, join together to form an energy field that lives in the very cells of your body”.
Victoria Volk: In my work with grievers and from my personal experience, I can tell you that traumatic events or experiences which don’t have to be significant tea traumas, by the way, and grief overall manifest in the body. Through countless conversations with people and the deep internal work I’ve done to work through my past, I can tell you that when we have experiences that throw us off kilter, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etcetera, our voltage goes way down. We become more susceptible to illness or injury due to reduced focus and concentration and have less energy to sustain us to meet our goals and sometimes even our daily needs. And after this point, we find ourselves on a slippery slope of feeling depressed, lacking passion, and just getting by day to day, living a lackluster life where we begin to forget who we were before life knocked us down. Where we no longer see possibilities, but instead roadblocks and find it far too easy to make excuses for ourselves.
Victoria Volk: If you’ve experienced periods of challenge and adversity in your life and believe you’ve addressed those things, take a moment to take a bird’s eye view of your life from that period on. Zoom way out. Look at your life. Do you recognize shifts within your energy? How you showed up for yourself, your partner, friends, colleagues and how you’ve functioned at work and in life. Have you resorted to alcohol or other means to relax your afraid nerves? Have you needed a crutch to sleep at night? Does food or shopping fill a void created by a feeling of lack in some area of her life? Such as love, affection, recognition, or attention because we are electrical beings what affects one part affects the whole. And what happens within the body is expressed in the body’s magnetic field or biofield. And what is stuck, perturbed, or tangled in the magnetic field informs the body. They are connected. Through biofuel tuning, we can use electromagnetism within and around the body to rewire recharge, and raise the body’s voltage.
Victoria Volk: I can tell by looking at someone’s posture, stride when they walk or overall how they carry themselves, where they may have an area of dissonance or resistance in their body and magnetic field. For example, the shoulders are telling because the left shoulder’s energetic imbalance relates to sadness, grief, and loss. Meanwhile, the right shoulder imbalance relates to saying yes when we mean no and emotional caretaking. And by looking at someone’s posture, it’s easy to visualize which shoulder on the person is likely a source of energetic imbalance. Every energy center, which you may know also as chakras, relates to an area each governs such as the third eye governing the pineal gland and the brain, as well as what the energy of that center relates to emotionally and its function when it’s healthy or imbalanced.
Victoria Volk: A healthy third eye center, which relates to our intuition and thought processes gives us a clear third eye perception, mental focus, and acuity. An unhealthy low energy, third eye, would have us struggling with focus and experiencing a distrust or disconnection from our intuition. Furthermore, depending on which side the imbalance also occurs, the right or left side means something a little different too. An imbalance of the third eye chakra on the right side which is the masculine side relates to overthinking the past whereas the left, the feminine side relates to worrying about the future. Add in a traumatic experience where your sense of safety and security was jeopardized, or taken away, which this relates to the first chakra, the root chakra located in the tailbone, and your entire central channel is likely compromised and imbalanced. In such experiences, grounding practices are a supportive way to help yourself. There is so much more sciencey information I could go into in this episode, which I totally would love to share and geek out over with you. However, I fear I’d lose some of you listening who are more interested in what’s in it for you and who it’s for. And who it isn’t for and more commonly asked questions, which I’ll get into in a moment.
Victoria Volk: However, suppose you’d like to dive into the science behind biofield tuning. In that case, I recommend checking out Eileen’s book tuning the human biofield, where she digs into deep into the science of energy itself, including but not limited to biophotons and thermodynamics. Much of which is above my head, but is precisely why I was drawn to biofuel tuning. As a skeptic myself, I was searching for what feels like truth to me and needing the facts the science behind biofuel tuning is what peaked my curiosity and drew me in.
Victoria Volk: So, alright. Well, let’s get to some FAQs about biofuel tuning. And here’s just a quick down and dirty of a few facts about some Q and A about biofuel tuning that if you’re listening, if you’re thinking this might be for you, this is a great segment for you to listen to. So conditions that biofuel tuning may help with include, but are not limited to, concussion recovery, which I have to say, if it’s been less than six months since you’ve had a concussion, you should probably wait to have biofuel tuning. Anxiety, addiction, adrenal stress, digestive issues, PTSD, fear or phobias, panic attacks, vertigo, menstrual issues, depression, pain, fibromyalgia, autoimmune conditions, migraines or headaches, restless leg syndrome.
Victoria Volk: And those with the following are not candidates to receive biofuel tuning however, could receive Reiki, which is another healing modality I provide. So if you’re pregnant, have cancer, a terminal illness, a pacemaker, pain stimulator implants, or are very sick these are precautions that we take with biofuel tuning. Eileen has stated that these conditions or precautions and that as practitioners, we use common sense that, you know, we should be using common and because every situation is different and nuanced, in some circumstances, it’s best to avoid biofield tuning altogether and other times where a gentle approach may be taken such as using weighted forks It is the practitioner’s discretion. And I and personally, I think that less is more in these circumstances. So what can you expect during a session? There is no guarantee that a specific result will occur from biofield tuning. However, what can happen is you can experience detox like symptoms. As the body releases tension toxins in constricted tissues are released, which may produce flu like symptoms exhaustion, waves of emotion, loose stools, and in extreme cases, which are very rare, rashes, and vomiting. However, clients also report feeling lighter, having more energy, clarity of mind, and a feeling of energetic ease and flow.
Victoria Volk: So how many sessions would I need to experience before I can expect to receive benefits from biofuel tuning? So biofuel tuning just like any healing modality is cumulative. So every session builds on the one prior to it. Like chiropractic trains the bones to find their balanced relationship, biofuel tuning, trains the magnetic electrical system of the body to flow in a balanced rhythmically, harmonious way. So if a person has had long term, extreme, nonbeneficial inputs, it may take longer to achieve balance. Younger people respond more quickly than older people. Generally, a minimum of three sessions is recommended to begin, often a presenting symptom can be cleared within three sessions. If there is no change in a condition after three sessions, then it is likely that biofuel tuning will not be able to help with that particular condition.
Victoria Volk: Is there an age limit for receiving biofuel tuning? As there is no age limit for receiving biofuel tuning, however, less is more with seniors, those who are over age sixty five and with children who generally should receive shorter sessions. Children between the ages of two to six can become hyperactive after a biofiltering session. So I do offer thirty minute sessions for seniors over sixty-five and children who are thirteen and under.
Victoria Volk: Can biofuel tuning treat issues like depression or bipolar disorder? Yes. Eileen views, conditions such as depression and or bipolar disorders as tonal imbalances, rather than chemical imbalances, which can be readily addressed with biofuel tuning. For example, during a biofuel tuning scan, a bipolar person will exhibit high tones associated with anxiety and mania as well as low tones linked with depression, but a mid-tone range will be absent. In such cases, the practitioners’ biofuel tuning to quiet the high tones, and lift the low tones, which will strengthen the mid-tone range. This helps the recipient achieve a more balanced state.
Victoria Volk: Does biofuel tuning work on animals? Animals respond beautifully to biofuel tuning. Biofuel tuning has helped pets stops being fearful of thunder, more trusting of strangers, stop fussing with hot spots and generally enter a healthier relaxed state. Pets respond well to in person biofuel tuning and when they receive it from a distance.
Victoria Volk: How does biofield tuning work from a distance? I lean herself scoffed at the idea of offering biofield tuning at a distance until she was convinced to give it tried by a friend who was a doctor. What she found, astonished even her. There was no difference in the client’s experience. To understand how distance healing works. It helps to understand what the ether is. One of the biggest omissions in our collective cosmology or understanding of the nature of life is ether. Essentially, either is the ocean of clear light that all creation arises from. Information travels through this medium much faster than light speed because the information of the entire field is accessible at any point. While the term aether is not in our popular sycambe. The concept of the phenomenon persists and has been referred to by many other names including the zero point field, the source field, the torsion field, the field, the acacic field and even the higgs field, whose definition is an invisible energy field that exists throughout the universe. And is very similar to the definition of aether. This can potentially explain the mechanics of how distant healing works. For example, with intention, transfer your awareness from your left foot and then into your right hand. Notice that there is no sense of that awareness having to travel in a linear way through your body. In the same way, a client can place their intention, their awareness, and their consciousness on a treatment table regardless of where it is in actuality. It is through this same kind of intention that vibrational patterns can be found at a distance with a biofield tuning practitioner’s tuning fork and modulated into a more coherent and harmonic expression.
Victoria Volk: As the nonlocal interconnective medium that unifies us all in real time, aether is the missing link in so called paranormal phenomena such as remote viewing and distance healing. Of course, this is all very sciencey. And in a nutshell, I always like to simply say, time knows no space, time or sequence.
Victoria Volk: And I’ve had several clients who use to always be in-person clients and receive biofield tuning or reiki and have since switched to distant sessions because of the convenience mostly, but also because they haven’t noticed any less benefit to receiving. So what is here’s one last Q and A.
Victoria Volk: What is biofield tuning detox? Which I mentioned previously. The biofield tuning recipient may experience a detox response after a session which is completely normal and means the body is releasing the stress and trauma. Generally, these symptoms pass within one to three days. And the following are possible symptoms of detox, fatigue, waves of emotions like crying or being angry or sad, loose stools, exhaustion, headaches, or dizziness, flu like symptoms, or in very rare cases, skin rashes, mucus, fever, vomiting, excessive thirst. If clients have an extreme detox response from their biofuel tuning session, I ask them to contact me. Otherwise know that a detox is good. It means the energy and toxins are moving and are being released, and I always say that are out than in.
Victoria Volk: Alright. So there you have it. A lot of info packed into one episode about a modality that I’m thrilled to share with you today. If you’ve never considered or received an energy healing biofuel tuning, it’s a great place to start if you want more bang for your buck, so to speak. I say that as someone who strictly offered reiki for several years before discovering biofuel tuning. So if you loved learning about this modality, please share this episode with a friend who may also find it interesting. And to learn more, you can check out Eileen’s book I previously mentioned or her website biofueltuning.com or my website to learn more. Check out the show notes for all the links. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
