Grief Tips, Growth, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness, Resources, Spirituality |
There is one thing we can do, that can be challenging to find (especially working parents), but is always available to us if we make it a priority – silence.
If we consider how much time we spend watching television, on our phones, or listening to and taking in other media (podcasts, audiobooks, or music) – we can likely find ten minutes to find some silence.
Silence is one of my favorite things. During the day, if I’m working from home, I rarely have the television on, and, if I have music, it’s music for concentration.
We don’t need to practice meditation to discover solutions to our most pressing problems (although it is beneficial for that). We don’t need to ask every other person in our life for advice. All we need to do is get quiet, silently ask ourselves what our hut (heart + gut) is trying to tell us, and bring awareness to how our bodies respond to the situation at hand that is keeping us stuck.
This concept may sound simplistic, but I feel like I complicated making decisions for much of my life. I struggled with making the wrong decision; thereby, indecision became the natural thing to do. The one thing that changed was I started getting intentionally quiet and started asking myself better questions – digging more deeply into my heart to find the answers.
So, how do we tap into our inner-knowing (our hut)?
There are many resources out there and various ways of tapping into our hearts. Tapping (no pun intended), for example, is one way. Journaling is another way to free-write your way to answers to your most pressing questions. There are lots of journal options out there with journal prompts, if free-writing isn’t your thing. You could also check out the app, Jour: Journal for Mindfulness, if digitally, at your fingertips is a preference.
The main point is to ask, get quiet, and allow what comes to you, being open to receiving guidance from your inner-knowing.
Does this all sound woo-woo to you? Before 2014, I would’ve probably blown this off. But, I was also very disconnected from my heart, too. There is so much wisdom within us that we rarely (if ever) need to look to outside sources. Sure, an in-depth conversation with a friend can spark a thought, idea, or solution. But, nothing replaces connecting to our own heart. That is where our truth is – and no one knows that better than we do ourselves.
Childhood Grief, Growth, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness, Resources |
When you think of your treasures as being your time, money, feelings, beliefs, how do you want others to treat them? How do you want others not to treat them?
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. – Proverbs 4:23
Think of your heart as the home of your treasures. Wouldn’t you value your treasures and do all that you can to keep them protected?
It is the things we don’t value that we don’t worry about guarding. However, if we think about the treasures of our heart as a bank, we’d have the security around our bank pretty tight, right? At least, much tighter than that of a junkyard.
What happens though, if we’re raised not knowing or believing this? What if we grow up not feeling treasured? What if we are victims of sexual abuse? What happens to us when traumatic childhood experiences impact our treasures?
We neither grow up knowing what it means to feel treasured, nor do we know how to treat our treasures moving forward. Our boundaries are trampled on, and we do not learn or know how to positively create and enforce personal boundaries.
What do you think happens to the soul and heart of someone who doesn’t protect their treasures?
Think about all the scenarios where your time had been taken for granted, where it was assumed you would “take care of it” because well, you always did. Think about all the relationships you’ve gone through, only to find yourself time and time again, with someone who continues to participate in self-destructive behavior. Only, it’s not self-destructive, because being with that person impacts you, too.
How about when our beliefs and values are criticized? We often find ourselves giving in to others and conforming to the beliefs and values of others, too, because we haven’t learned how to speak up for ourselves. We may not even know what we value and believe. Or, may think things about ourselves that are not true, too.
Let the Past Be a Teacher
We must recognize when our treasures are being invaded and take steps to learn ways to enforce boundaries around our hearts. Every transgression against us can leave an imprint that may take years (or decades) to erase. Making our hearts a priority in well-being changes the game of life – it changes our lives.
We often learn through traumatic childhood experiences that giving, giving, giving is expected – there’s something within you for the taking. But what do we learn to give ourselves during those years? Not much. It isn’t until adulthood, where all the awareness of what was lost comes to light – and where healing needs to take place.
I’ve gained much awareness about boundaries that I did not have growing up. This awareness has taught me exactly where boundaries were necessary for my well-being. Taking time for ourselves isn’t selfish. And, speaking up for what is not okay with us, enables us to become more confident. There is so much power in boundaries — which are less about control and more about self-love.
In what ways do you recognize that your time, money, beliefs have been disregarded or lost altogether through boundary inflictions? In what ways have you ignored your established boundaries for the sake of others?
I’m not saying to close up your heart; quite the opposite. You see, when we learn and establish boundaries for ourselves, we give from a place of freedom and love, rather than from a place of guilt or fear.
Need a little help as I did in the boundaries department? I highly recommend the book Boundaries. It is an eye-opener. It was also the perfect follow-up to the internal work I’ve done (and continue to do) in grief recovery. You can find Boundaries on Amazon or with the companion workbook here.
As we get ready to flip the calendar to another year and another decade, what do you wish would be there for you? Perhaps some boundaries to guard your treasures? You don’t have to wish, my friend. The beauty of moving into 2020 is that knowledge is always within reach; education is literally at our fingertips. There are so many resources out there for growth; it’s mind-blowing if you think about it. We are living in a time of great fortune, because, how fortunate are we to have the access that we do?
There is no excuse not to grow these days. And because growth is a conscious choice, I challenge us all to think about the areas of our lives where growth is necessary to our happiness. I have several books on my shelf to choose from to read next (I just finished Boundaries, yay!) and I’m having quite a difficult time deciding. But one thing I know to be true is this: I do not regret choosing growth. Grief recovery work, and other means of growth, have directly impacted all areas of my life. I feel so darn good about going into 2020, which is a stark contrast to how I was feeling going into 2019.
How about you? In what areas of your life do you want to grow in 2020?
Onward and upward, friend. If you want to grow in your heart and release and let go of the pain that is holding your heart back from growing, you know where to find me. <3
Childhood Grief, Grief Stories, Resources |
Recently, I was listening to a life coach podcaster going on about how children don’t have the mental capacity to deal with emotional pain. She went on to say that it’s “a good thing,” as it’s a coping mechanism she referred to as “disassociation.” She went on to add how “it’s brilliant” how, as children, we’re able to do this and “avoid and numb out.” However, once an adult, this no longer serves us. She went on and on a few more minutes, and, I was so frustrated listening that I turned it off and unsubscribed when she began to share how she coped with her feelings (as an adult) with food. Well, what she was experiencing was grief – she didn’t call it for what it was. And this is part of the problem. It’s almost as if “grief” is some taboo word.
It became apparent to me that this woman, although educated in life coaching and all the things adults struggle with, had little understanding of grieving children — and truly, what children are capable of.
She did get one thing right; children’s brains aren’t as mentally and emotionally developed as adults. However, children grieve just as adults do. They may grieve a bit differently. Still, all the same – anger, sadness, guilt, shame, etc. are emotions grieving children also experience.
So what got me all fired up?
Why should these feelings not be addressed by those who love and care for children? Whose responsibility is it when a child does not know how to process their emotions?
Caregivers either allow the child to grieve, fully expressing all their emotions, or, later in adulthood, default to what we’ve been taught. Often, that is behavior modeled after our parents. And, we all know grief isn’t something that’s commonplace education in the home or at school, and also isn’t near as common-talk as the weather.
There is no judgment or criticism from me if you default to what you know – I get it.
It did me zero favors to “brilliantly disassociate” while I was experiencing bed-wetting, excessive tardiness, and struggled, overall, for years to find my way.
My loved ones were grieving their own way. They, too, didn’t have the education on what to do with their feelings – much less mine. If you’re a parent, read about the ACE study. You’ll see why this fires me up. And, the ACE study doesn’t even address losses such as moving.
The negative impact of not addressing childhood grief is why I am so very passionate about grief recovery – for adults and children alike. It is in grief education where we can raise future generations to be emotionally resilient. Adults can lead and teach from example, empowering themselves, in their own lives, in the process. Educating ourselves is the greatest gift we can give each other when it comes to grief. And, I believe, children are more than capable of learning ways to grieve in a healthy way.
I am very much looking forward to facilitating a Helping Children with Loss group in whichever community wishes to host this program.
Once a week, for four weeks, I teach you how to help the child or children in your care to navigate and complete their grief — what a beautiful gift to give your child or children. As the person entrusted to their care, it is your duty to tend to all needs – including emotional. And, you can do so by receiving education and new tools. It is possible to empower yourself with knowledge, knowing how to help the children in your care deal with painful feelings. Let me help you – help them.
P.S. Are you interested in bringing the Helping Children with Loss Program to your community? Please email me at victoria [at] theunleashedheart [dot] com.
Childhood Grief, Grief, Living Unleashed, Resources |
Do you feel sad around the holidays? A lot of people do. The holidays are supposed to be a joyful time surrounded by loved ones and about joy and good cheer. So why do many people have a hard time? For some, there was a loss around the holidays, so it’s a reminder of someone they loved passing during that time. Or, being around others who have their loved ones, is a reminder of the loss of a special relationship. And, for many, it’s the first holiday without their loved one.
As you can see, there are many reasons why this time of year can be emotionally charged and challenging. There is a lot of stimulus touching your heart in its most painful spot. With all the holiday hustle and bustle, someone in this situation will either prefer to isolate or become the organizer and entertainer. In the process, you are using the holiday busy-ness as a distraction.
What is a stimulus, and how does it relate to grief?
Stimuli consist of the sights, smells, sounds, and tastes that trigger our memory. It causes your brain to recall events or feelings associated with the stimulus. Stimuli such as holiday lights, decorations, and music can cause you to remember a family member who died, a break-up, or childhood experiences. Fond memories are normal and healthy. Unresolved grief is when fond memories turn painful.
For example…
The same stimulus can affect two different people in two different ways. Let’s say two sisters hear a Christmas song that was a favorite of their mother, who died.
One sister might hear the song and remember how much her mother loved it. She may miss her mother for a few minutes, but then she goes back to what she was doing. The song served only as a reminder of how much she loves her mom but didn’t affect her entire day.
The other sister might hear the song, think about how much she misses her mother, get sad, and be unable to focus the rest of the day. She might walk around feeling numb and unable to participate in holiday festivities fully. Or she may refuse to talk about anything other than her mother’s death.
The second sister is an example of unresolved grief.
A personal example I have is my dad always used Old Spice after-shave. And, not so very long ago, I was visiting my mom, and what did she have in her medicine cabinet in the bathroom? A bottle of Old Spice after-shave. I never asked her about it, and I don’t have to – I already know why she has it in there after all these years. Perhaps it’s still the same bottle left from my dad – I don’t know.
Another personal example is when my dad would change his colostomy bag. That smell is burned into my brain. And, although that’s not something that someone would smell on the regular, when I have, throughout my life smelled something even remotely similar, it takes me back in time. And, it’s not a particularly happy memory at all.
I have so many examples of this. I’m sure you can think of some of your own as well. Reminders can be all around us at times. During the holidays, it can just feel overwhelming.
Even at Thanksgiving, I found myself talking about Cabbage Patch dolls. What came up for me, at that moment, was how the first Christmas after my dad died, I received two cabbage patch dolls in the mail from who, I don’t know. All I know is, I can think of these things now with gratitude with how far I’ve come in addressing the grief around losing him. The grief never goes away – it just changes, as does my response to it. I’m not dwelling, ruminating, and feeling stuck in that grief rut as I had been all those years prior.
How do I know if I’m experiencing unresolved grief?
The holidays may remind you of any number of losses, such as moving, events that happened during childhood, an ex-spouse, a sick child, or a pet that died.
If a Christmas tree reminds you of the fun holidays, you spent with a loved one who died, that’s normal. If you then become brokenhearted over the loss of your family member due to fond memories turning painful where your entire day is impacted – that’s unresolved grief.
Unresolved grief affects your ability to stay in the moment, which limits your capacity for happiness. During the holidays, it might limit your ability to enjoy time with your friends and family fully. Some people avoid holidays altogether because they don’t want to risk the feelings associated with painful reminders of their loss. Until you become complete with the losses in your life, you will never be able to enjoy all life has to offer fully.
Unresolved grief may be at the root of any fear associated with thoughts or feelings about a relationship. – The Grief Recovery Institute
What To Do Instead When Grief is Causing the Holidays to Suck
The Death of Someone Important to You:
- Don’t Isolate Yourself. It’s normal and natural to feel lost and alone―but Don’t Isolate―even if you have to force yourself to be with people and participate in normal activities.
- Don’t misuse food or alcohol to cover up or push down your feelings. As children, when we were sad about something, we were often told, “Don’t feel bad. Here have a cookie, you’ll feel better.” The cookie doesn’t make the child feel better, it makes the child feel different, and the real cause of the sadness is not addressed. When we get older, alcohol and drugs are used for the same wrong reasons―to mask feelings of sadness.
- Talk about your feelings, but don’t expect a quick fix. It’s essential to have someone you trust to talk to about your memories and the feelings they evoke. Ask your friend to listen to you and not try to fix you. You’re sad, not broken; you need to be heard.
- While it’s important to talk about your feelings, don’t dwell on them. Telling the same sad story over and over is not helpful it can establish and cement a relationship to your pain. Better to make a simple statement of how you feel at the moment. For example, say, “I just had a sad feeling of missing him.”
- Time doesn’t heal—actions do. The myth that time heals a broken heart is just that, a myth. Time can’t heal a broken heart any more than air can jump into a flat tire. Time goes by. It’s the actions you take within time that can help you feel better.
Death of a Spouse or Divorce:
- Just because you feel lonely doesn’t mean you’re ready to start dating. Don’t start dating while your heart is still broken, or you will guarantee that the next relationship will fail. Being prepared to date again is a function of the actions you take within time to repair your heart – whether you’re dealing with a death or divorce.
- Don’t get too busy—avoid hyperactivity. Be careful not to get too busy. Being super active distracts you, it doesn’t help you deal with your broken heart.
- Maintain your normal routines. Adapting to the changes in your life following a death or a divorce is an enormous adjustment. You are learning how to move from being with someone to being alone. It’s never a good idea to add a host of other changes while you’re trying to adapt to so much disruption in your life.
- Go through the pain, not under, over, or around it. It’s very tempting to try to avoid the pain associated with a broken heart. But it’s also a form of self-punishment. Whenever you skirt the pain, all you’re doing is pushing it away temporarily. It will always come back to haunt you.
- Find practical guidance, or you will sabotage your future. While the grief of a broken heart is the normal reaction to the death of your mate or the end of a romantic relationship, it’s constructive to find effective tools to help you discover and complete everything that was left emotionally unfinished. Otherwise, you will drag your emotional baggage into the next relationship and ruin it before it starts.
For most people, the first holiday season after a death or a divorce is the most painful. But that’s not true for everyone. For many, the second, third, and subsequent years are excruciating. Since time doesn’t heal emotional wounds, people often report feeling worse the more years that go by. No matter when your loss occurred, it’s most important that you become aware that recovery is possible and to learn which actions will help you.
If you’re dealing with a death, go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. The principles and actions of The Grief Recovery Method have been used by more than a half-million people to help deal with the impact of the death of someone important to them.
If you’re dealing with the aftermath of a divorce or romantic breakup, go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of Moving On. The principles and actions in it will help you deal with your broken heart.
If your children are struggling with a loss of any type and any level of emotional intensity, go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of When Children Grieve.
P.S. If you are ready to take action towards resolving what is emotionally incomplete for your children (and receive grief education like never before), there is still time to save your spot, at a reduced rate, for a future Helping Children with Loss group program. Click HERE to reserve your spot!
P.P.S. Also, just for funsies, if you KNOW you want to (or plan to) participate in a future in-person grief recovery program (1-on-1 or group), here’s your incentive to commit yourself and your heart. Click HERE to check out this and the other discounts i’m offering through Cyber Monday (12/2). There is no expiration on this offer – so, the next time I provide a group in your community, you’ll be all set. Or, we can set up a 1-on-1 asap, too. I actually need two more 1-on-1 clients. Then I will be able to pursue additional training that will enable me to offer grief recovery ONLINE (which will be HUGE, given my geographical location and the interest I have throughout the state of ND and beyond)!
*portions of this blog post are adapted from The Grief Recovery Institute blog
Grief, Grief Tips, Growth, Living Unleashed, Personal, Resources |
In the personal development arena, you’ll often hear the words or phrase self-sabotage. But what is self-sabotage? It’s no different than self-betrayal. And that phrase feels a bit icky. It also feels more truthful, too.
Self-Sabotage vs. Self-Betrayal
When you choose to self-sabotage (i.e., get in your own way, choose thinking/behavior patterns that don’t serve you, etc.), you’re also betraying yourself. When you decide to sit in pain, anger, and sadness beyond the time those feelings have served you, that’s a betrayal of your heart. Essentially, you’re also keeping yourself in mental/emotional prison, too.
Human behavior has always fascinated me. I enjoy people-watching and hearing people’s stories about what makes them who they are, and I have made it my mission to figure out who I am and why I do the things I do. But if I had asked myself long ago this one question: In What Ways Am I Betraying Myself? Perhaps I would’ve realized what needed to change far sooner.
Our thoughts generate feelings, which prompt us to act – or not to. Considering thoughts can be changed, it would be safe to assume that our emotions and actions would follow suit, too. So, if you realize all the ways you are betraying yourself (your thoughts), and feel a desire for things to be different, better, or more (i.e., grief), then you have a litmus test for your actions. If the thing you think you want to do doesn’t align with your desire for your experience to be different, better, or more, then you know it’s not what you need to do.
Ways I Used to Betrayed Myself
Here are some examples of ways I have betrayed myself. If any of these resonate with you, then you have a starting point of where to look to heal.
- Looking for validation/affirmation from others.
- Quieting my voice when the situation didn’t feel right in my gut.
- Getting wrapped up in other’s emotional turbulence (taking their “stuff” on as my “stuff”).
- Keeping toxic relationships in my life far too long.
- Not addressing my mental/emotional health earlier in life.
- Not understanding/creating boundaries.
- Living in the past (or the future) – neglecting many present moments.
What I Do Now
Now that I’ve shared how I’ve betrayed myself, I think it’s important to share how I’ve turned these betrayals against myself around.
- Trusting my inner-knowing. No one will ever know me as much as I know myself, and no amount of outside validation/affirmation will mean more than the validation/affirmation I can give myself.
- Speaking up for myself—saying what is or isn’t okay—is a big way we can honor our hearts and spirits.
- I am mindful of when I feel myself taking on others’ negative energy and then addressing it. But first, if I know the situation could bring this feeling on, I am more mindful going into the situation in the first place. I imagine myself in a golden, protected bubble of light where that negativity doesn’t affect me. Similarly, I have become more mindful of the energy I bring to situations. Because we get back what we put out, right?
- As you grow, evolve, and change, those toxic relationships around you naturally fall away. We don’t need to push any sort of agenda on others. The only thing we have 100% control over is ourselves.
- Addressing my grief head-on has been the biggest game-changer of my life. Had I only known in my twenties what I know now, I could only move forward and pay it forward, too. Addressing my inner pain allows me to help others address theirs. Addressing your inner world has ten-fold ripple effects on your outer world.
- Boundaries? What the heck are those? I never knew what it meant to have boundaries, why they were necessary, how to create them, or how to respect others’ boundaries until I got to the other side of grief recovery. And, this book is a game-changer, friends. If you follow me on FB or IG, you’ll know I’ve shared this before, but WOW! I love this book! It has biblical references but is not preachy or in-your-face about God. I almost didn’t read this because of the reviews; I didn’t want another biblical-fluff book. This book is not. It is practical and will teach you all you need about boundaries.
- When we go through life wallowing in our sorrows, our minds are stuck in the past while our hearts fight to find hope for the future. And when we’ve stuffed our past for so long, we do everything we possibly can to avoid it and find ourselves always looking to the future, chasing the next thing. All the while, we’re never fully living in the present. Who do you are betraying? Well, not only yourself but also your family.
Do you see how self-sabotage is a “fluffier” word than self-betrayal? When you start to awaken to all of the parts of you that make you you, it becomes natural to begin to call things what they are. And it also makes healing possible. Awareness is a beautiful thing.
Journal prompt for you: How am I betraying myself?
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Grief, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness, Resources |
What comes to mind when I ask the questions: What does it mean to you to live an unleashed life? What does an unleashed life look like to you?
Perhaps no one has ever asked you that question or, maybe it was worded differently? Either way, it may be helpful to think about what it is in life that seems to be tying you down, holding you back, or keeping you stuck.
For me, I discovered it was grief. Grief had a hold on me up until this year, if I’m honest. Living unleashed has been a process of…unlearning. An unlearning of all the ways I would revert to old thought patterns and behaviors, as well as the misinformation and myths of grief passed on through generations.
It didn’t matter what decision I had to make early in my adulthood; I always reverted to the thought patterns and teachings of my childhood. I was leashed to my past in so many ways. I had yet to heal the loss and trauma I had experienced and lacked self-worth, confidence, and I also didn’t trust myself.
Living unleashed, or living an unleashed life, to me, means living a life that fully embodies the qualities of my soul and spirit. When our spirit feels crushed, and our hearts are broken, how can we ever see our light? How can we make decisions based on our soul’s desires instead of fear, if what we’ve been educated about grief is to keep busy, stay strong, that it just takes time, or that we need to bury and replace it?
I feel unleashed of grief for the first time and have grown more confident in my decision-making. Fear and self-doubt don’t over-rule my intuition. And, although my life hasn’t dramatically changed to others on the outside, I know my inner-world has. And, I’ve made moves and decisions that feel aligned with where I only dreamed of being five years ago.
There was a time, I longed for the day to have the inner-knowing I feel today. I felt so lost. So many significant changes were happening at the same time, and I didn’t have the tools to cope. And I also didn’t realize at that time that what I was experiencing was grief.
Significant changes in our lives often bring us grief – we don’t think of our daily experience as the by-product of grief. When self-care is thrown out the window, when you find yourself feeling as though life is passing you by, and you’re not able to live in the present – that’s very likely grief taking hold of your heart. You do your best to avoid, distract, or keep busy – all the while, the only thing you’re distracting yourself from is your heart.
I created Living Unleashed from the place of trying to find my way out of my grief hole. I have come so far, and I know that if it’s possible for me after 30+ years, it’s possible for you – no matter the loss or trauma you’ve experienced. I’ve relied on many means to heal along the way, and Living Unleashed is my way of sharing what I discovered about my grief along the way. The Grief Recovery Method experience I had, picked up where I left off and forced me to get real with my feelings, digging deeper than I had when I was developing Living Unleashed. Reiki has been another tool to deepen my Grief Recovery experience that I feel so grateful to share with others.
What works for me may not work for you – and that’s okay. But, I do confidently say, if you do the work outlined in the Grief Recovery Method, you will find relief, and you will find hope again. And, if you’re not quite ready to unleash your heart in the most in-depth way possible, there’s always Living Unleashed, that can get you started on your healing journey today.
