Child Loss, Grief, Miscarriage, Postpartum, Pregnancy & Infant Loss, Resources |
October brings to mind pumpkin spice latte, fall colors, and National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Also, October is also not just about breast cancer awareness, but it is also National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, which was established in 1988 by former President Ronald Reagan.
At the time, Reagan said: “When a child loses their parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose a child, there isn’t a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss, so many parents experience across the United States and around the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, congenital disabilities, SIDS, and other causes.” Also, October 15th is World Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.
The number of people who face this loss is staggering! The American College of Pediatricians noted the statistics from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services earlier this year:
- 1,000,000 pregnancies end with the loss of a baby through miscarriage or stillbirth each year (nearly 1 in 4).
- 24,000 infants die each year in infancy.
Each of these deaths creates multiple grievers. It is not just the parents who are impacted; the grandparents, siblings of that child, other family members grieve the loss as well and close family friends.
The American College of Pediatricians points out that this silent suffering can continue for years or even decades. Anyone who does grief recovery work would also agree with that statement. All too often, grievers receive little or no support to help them deal with this emotional pain. Considering miscarriage is one of the most minimized losses, it’s understandable there would be a whole lot of silent grievers out there.
The Emotionally Painful Things People Say
Friends and other family members may think that they are supportive, but all too often, the things that they say come off as intellectual comments rather than emotionally sensitive ones.
Typical, unhelpful comments include:
- You can always have another child
- At least it happened early
- God needed another angel in Heaven
- Next time will be better
- At least you have other children
- I know how you feel
- Grief just takes time
Ask any parent who has lost a child if any of these comments made them feel better. Most, if not all, will answer with a resounding “NO!” No child is “replaceable,” so the idea that they might have another child does little or nothing to relieve the pain of losing this one!
People never intentionally mean to say hurtful things to grievers! Very few of us have been educated as to “the right thing to say” in this situation or any other grief causing event. Furthermore, others that are worried about saying “the wrong thing” often say nothing at all. The absence of acknowledgment can leave these grievers feeling that their deep emotional loss isn’t important or painful.
Time Heals Nothing
People often say that “Grief just takes time.” It would be wonderful if this were the case or that there was a time table to grief. Unfortunately, this is not true; time does nothing but pass. Over time, a griever becomes accustomed to carrying around that emotional pain deep inside. Grievers “silently suffer,” because no one is there to offer an effective way to deal with it! It’s action taken within time that matters most! While there may be a number of “support groups” in your community or online, many of them support you in expressing your pain. However, few offer few, if any, assistance in helping you to take effective action to move out from under the cloud it has cast over your life. If you are, however, looking to connect with those who’ve “gone before you;” navigating a similar and devastating loss such as miscarriage or an infant, click here to find support, if you’re not finding it in your community.
How You Can Take Action to Move Forward
In addition to the link provided above, if you are suffering the pain of having lost a child, check to see if there is a Grief Recovery Method Support Group in your area. Unlike most other support groups, this program offers a truly effective action plan for emotional recovery. It is not about forgetting your loss, which you will never do, but instead teaching you the necessary tools to deal with the pain in your heart!
John W. James, a Vietnam veteran and creator of this program, lost his first son within days of his birth and struggled with his grief after that loss. Rather than just giving in to that pain and carrying it with him for the rest of his life, he searched until he found a recovery solution that worked. He discovered a way to say “goodbye” to the dreams and expectations he had for the life of his child, without letting go of the joy these dreams had brought to his heart.
The Best Thing You Can Say
In any grief situation, perhaps the best thing to say is: “I cannot begin to imagine how you are feeling. I’m here to listen if you would like to talk about it.” If you experienced a similar situation, you might add how you remember what it felt like to you, but that you wish to understand just what it is that they are feeling. After that, listen without analysis, criticism, or judgment. Realize that there is nothing that you can say that will “fix” the situation and make it better!
Reach out to anyone you know who has suffered such a loss and let them know that you are thinking about them and care! That’s the simplest way you can be supportive!
On a personal note, I’ve never experienced a loss such as these and I cannot even wrap my head around what these losses feel like. We are never supposed to out-live our children, regardless of how long they’re heart was beating. A beating heart is a human being with a soul and it hurts when the opportunity to watch their soul be fully expressed is lost. Not to mention, all of the hopes, dreams, and expectations, too. My heart goes out to you if you’re reading this and you’ve experienced a loss such as these. Never lose hope of recovery – it is possible. John James is living proof; he has created a gift that keeps on giving – for himself and for the world.
*This post is adapted from The Grief Recovery Institute blog.
P.S. Are you interested in learning more about the grief recovery programs I facilitate? Email me at victoria [at] theunleashedheart [dot] com. Do you want to be the first to know of the next group starting? Sign up for my newsletter that’s filled with content not shared anywhere else. News, Grief Recovery related info, and insider [personal] info is shared with my fellow hurting heart tribe first! Newsletters go out each Wednesday, so click here to join me >>> Or, perhaps you prefer one-on-one? We could start one-on-one as soon as you’re ready if you’re local to me! Get in touch for more info.
Grief Tips, Mind/Body Wellness, Resources |
In the past several weeks, I’ve spoken with various mental health professionals, as well as church leaders, hospice workers, etc., who’ve shared their experiences with grief support groups with me. In some instances, they were the grief support group organizers and facilitators.
After sharing about what grief recovery is and how it moves a hurting heart from emotional stuck-ness to freedom, we discussed how the two support group options differ. In nearly all instances, those I spoke with expressed how the grief recovery method sounds different from traditional support groups they’re accustomed to – in a good way. Simply put – it is different.
So, I felt it was time I share how GRM (grief recovery method) differs from traditional grief support groups on the blog.
As you can see, there are some differences that stand out. Above, are four of the main ones. I believe traditional grief support groups have their place. Typically, however, it’s the death of a loved one that brings someone to a grief support group because, in society, when people talk about grief, people assume someone must’ve died.
Considering there are more than forty losses one can experience, then I feel, people who may benefit from a grief support group, don’t look into it because perhaps their loss isn’t due to a death. Maybe an individual experiences bankruptcy and financial ruin. Or, perhaps the individual has been estranged from family and they feel alone. No one died, but that person is still a grieving heart with nowhere to turn.
Grief: Who Died?
So, just as people correlate grief to death, so too, people correlate grief support groups to death. That is actually an aspect of misinformation I share when I talk about grief. And, it’s something I want to reiterate that the grief recovery method is not only for those who’ve experienced the death of a loved one. There are many instances where someone will come to grief recovery and believe they will work on the death of a loved one, when in fact, they end up working on emotionally completing a relationship to someone living.
Living people in our lives cause us grief as well. Millions of adults everywhere are walking around with their hearts wounded from childhood. Grief starts in childhood and it accumulates and it’s accumulatively negative.
So, although grief support groups often help individuals after a loss in their lives due to death, help the griever not to isolate and to feel supported; what traditional grief support groups don’t do is help people to process their emotions and give all of their pain a voice in a healthy, well-formatted way.
What the GRM Experience Looks Like
In grief recovery, we’re not meeting weekly for 8 weeks and sharing in a circle all of our pain and suffering; quite the opposite. Safety in sharing is the number one priority in grief recovery, so a bond of trust and confidentiality is established first before anyone shares (unless they choose to early on). From there, each week there is action required that work on giving all of the incomplete communications and feelings a voice. Traditional grief support groups do not do this for grievers. Yes, they are free. But, if being an entrepreneur for over 10 years has taught me anything it’s that people simply don’t value free. And, if the work that is required to become emotionally free were offered with traditional support groups, very very few would ever complete it. It is the personal investment in one’s self that aids in one’s ability to heal.
How Much is the Rest of Your Life Worth to You?
When you have a toothache, you go to the dentist. And, if you’re told you need a root canal, you have the root canal and you pay for it. When you break a leg, you go to the doctor to seek treatment – again, you pay for it. But yet, when your heart is broken, you apply bandaid after bandaid and hope to God that something eventually sticks. Or, worse – you do what society has taught you and you buck up, stuff it down, replace the loss, grieve alone, try your damndest to pretend you’re fine, try to be strong for yourself and others, keep yourself busy, and just accept that grief just takes time; it’ll get better – eventually. You just need to hold on for one more day. And, before you know it, that one more day becomes three decades. And, when you experience loss after loss during that time, finally there is one that causes you to reach your grieving heart’s breaking point. You realize therapy hasn’t helped, antidepressants make you feel like crap and don’t feel like what you need, other holistic approaches felt good for a time but life moves on around you and you can’t sit in meditation for 18 hours a day. And, although praying brings you solace, and you feel like you’ve given it all to God, you continue to find your eyes well up with tears, growing more emotionally and physically drained by the day. You continue to feel like a hamster on the wheel of life and you know if something doesn’t work soon, this life is over for you as you know it.
Despair.
I’ve felt it.
There is hope. It’s grief R-E-C-O-V-E-R-Y. Recovery.
The word recovery has never sounded so good to me. And the word grief has never meant more to me than it does today. It’s taken on a whole new meaning for me, too. I bring people H-O-P-E. Hope.
Hope & Recovery. Two words I use to describe the Grief Recovery Method.
Does your grief support group give you that?
P.S. Are you ready to start a new chapter in your life? One where you finally sit in the driver’s seat, roll the windows down, feel the breeze on your face, and see the past you in the rearview (along with the grief that kept you there). I’m working on locking in locations for groups to start in Wishek/Bismarck (hopefully late August/early Sept.). If you want to be sure not to miss the announcement, “Like” my FB Page, sign up for my weekly newsletter, or contact me via email at victoria [at] theunleashedheart [dot] com or phone at 701.336.7720. Spots are limited!
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Grief Tips, Growth, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness, Resources, Spirituality |
A while back on Facebook (and Instagram), I shared the difference between grief and loss. Grief is the undelivered communications that keep you stuck and unable to feel joy when you think about the relationship. Loss is about the feelings of missing the relationship and feeling sad they’re gone.
Just as there are differences between grief and loss, there are differences between healing and recovery, too.
Healing versus Recovery
We can experience healing and feel better for a time; however, recovery has long-term effects that healing may not.
Recovery (grief recovery, in particular) encompasses all parts of ourselves; mental, physical, emotional, and may also include spiritual well-being, too. When we feel like we’re healing, we can feel better in these areas as well. However, you may have to utilize several modes of healing that target specific aspects (physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual). Often, the feel-good feelings are experienced only as long as you are participating in those healing practices. Some modes of healing (like meditation) may have a longer-lasting positive influence. But again, they don’t have long-term effects unless you’re continually doing these types of activities in your daily life. For example, a massage feels fantastic for the hour you’re receiving it. It helps heal the muscle tissue and can have you feeling better for a few days afterward. However, once the feel-good feelings wear off, and you go back to your daily life, you’ll be ready for another massage.
Alternative Methods for Healing
Over the years, I’ve incorporated many different modes of healing into my life. For example, EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), an alternative treatment for physical or emotional distress. It’s also referred to as tapping or psychological acupressure. People who use this technique believe tapping the body can create a balance in your energy system and treat pain. For me, it had helped to release emotional energy, especially at the beginning of 2014, when I first began to look for ways to help myself feel better.
In 2014, I also began using essential oils (for aromatherapy and overall health versus chemicals). Since then, I’ve created many different blends for all sorts of things. One mix I use religiously (especially when traveling) is a blend for those times I am having gut issues. I keep it in my purse at all times, actually, and yes – it does help me when I am experiencing bloating/gut ache. I recommend checking out this article that shares both sides of essential oils. Use at your discretion and take what you read with a grain of salt. Aside from personal use, I also use Young Living products for my home, like the Thieves cleaner, for example. Also, because I don’t burn candles for an aroma, and, although I do use wax melts, I like the flexibility of scents I have with essential oils, too. It’s all personal preference, but after five years, I still use them nearly daily.
Over the last few years, I’ve also incorporated meditation into my life. I’ve tried several different apps, including Headspace and Calm; however, my latest favorite is the Insight Timer. I also enjoy reading non-fiction in the arena of personal development and spiritual writings, too. On the topic of exercise, we know it’s good for us in all areas of life. It’s also been one of the areas I’ve often struggled to stay consistent with because I tend to get easily bored. I jump from one at-home program to the next, because, as I’m getting older, it’s become more challenging to find something I enjoy doing daily. I do like yoga, and at one point I could do a tripod headstand. However, I feel like it requires so much time. Or, maybe I see yogi’s doing yoga for an hour or more on the regular and feel overwhelmed by that level of commitment. Probably more of the latter.
When it comes to healing and looking for ways to improve our quality of life, ultimately, we must do what feels good, right? All of the things I’ve previously mentioned have been great at helping me to feel better (for a time), but they didn’t help me to recover.
8 Week Emotional Boot Camp
Grief recovery is a journey you take your heart on just as healing is a marathon and not a sprint. I think of grief recovery as a sprint; there isn’t anything else out there that can take you from feeling chained to the past and emotionally bogged down to emotional freedom. And, in eight weeks, as the Grief Recovery Method can. It may not feel good in the process, but anything good for us isn’t always a walk in the park. Remember my mention of exercise? Consider the Grief Recovery Method your 8-week emotional boot camp. I’ve gone through army boot camp and truth be told – my life was changed by both experiences. However, it’s during The Grief Recovery Method, where I grew in ways I only wish I had known about sooner.
Are you ready for your 8-week emotional boot camp experience? Although you will be pushed and challenged in ways you can’t yet understand, I’m a lot kinder than a drill sergeant. At the end of the eight weeks, you’ll see the fruits of your labor – minus the 6-pack, of course.
Join me in my next boot camp…errr…Grief Recovery group. I’d love to have you! I’m looking for at least four brave souls who are ready to unleash themselves of their past hurt. Do you want to move forward in life feeling empowered with new tools for recovery (and healing) that no one can ever take from you? Once you learn this method, you will forever have it at your disposal.
What is your LIFE worth to YOU? What are YOU worth? Are you ready to UNLEASH your heart from your past?
We can begin early August in Wishek if you’re ready. I also want to start a group in the Bismarck/Mandan area if you or someone you know is ready to begin a new relationship to grief. Message me on Facebook or Instagram or email me at victoria [at] theunleashedheart [dot] com to get started!
Grief, Growth, Resources |
When grievers are dealing with the emotional pain of a loss of any kind, they are constantly bombarded with advice that negatively impacts them. Most professional grief support providers know better than to say many of these things. The problem is that the vast majority of people trying to support them have no professional training. Their immediate friends try to be helpful, but just do not have the best information at their disposal to provide meaningful support.
Many of us have been told what not to say to grievers. The problem with a list of “don’ts” is that it is easy to forget. The reality is that things sometimes pop out of our mouths before we think of how those comments might be perceived. Rather than offering a list, we will be looking at a few of those comments and explain why they can be painful to the griever.
Please keep in mind that there is an enormous difference between “intention” and “perception”. Most people never intend to upset those grieving by offering advice. They are desperately trying to provide help and support. The problem arises in how the griever perceives the comment. Grievers have a reduced sense of concentration and may be highly sensitive to what they hear. Things that they might normally dispute or ignore can cut like a knife to the heart. That is why these well-intentioned remarks need to be avoided.
“Get Over It!”
No caring person wants to see another suffering. We naturally want them to feel better! After an arbitrary amount of time, many think that the passage of that time should somehow make a difference in how the griever is responding to their loss. This is frequently when people tell them that they need to “Get over it!” The reality is that when something major happens in our lives, we never “get over” it. The memories of that event will be with us forever. With the proper education and assistance, we can learn to “survive and thrive” in spite of that event.
Telling someone to get over it is often perceived as telling that person that the loss they experienced is not significant enough that it should continue to impact their life. If that loss was significant enough to cause grief, it will continue to impact their life on some level. The degree of impact is not controlled by time. Time only passes by and sets that emotional pain into place as part of their “new normal”. When that happens, not only does the griever not get over it, but rather continues to live that pain silently. They start stuffing their feelings to avoid hearing this painful suggestion again and again.
A far better thing to do is to let them know that it is possible to take grief recovery action to lessen that emotional pain. By taking such action, they will be able, once again, to enjoy the many positive memories of that relationship.
“I know how your feeling…”
No one knows how anyone else feels over their loss. It does not matter if you have had a very similar loss. You may remember how you felt after your loss, but that does not mean that you have a clue about what is going on inside this griever. Their feelings are based on their personal relationship, which is obviously different than the relationship that you grieved. When grievers hear people say this, they know it is not the truth.
For the griever experiencing the very personal emotional pain of their individual loss, hearing people continually say these words, as a means of comfort, can eventually result in anger and disbelief on a level similar to what is experienced. To make matters worse, even members of their own family, who have experienced the same loss, do not really know how others in that family are feeling.
If you have experienced a similar loss, it is better to say, “I know how it felt to me when I was dealing with _____, but how are you doing right now?” If you ask this, be willing to listen to their answer, without analysis, criticism, or judgment. Understand that there is little you can say at that moment to make this better. If you have not had a similar loss, but want to say something, you might begin with, “I can’t begin to imagine what you are going through at this time…” and invite them to tell you how they are feeling.
“They are in a better place…”
Even if you knew the deceased and are certain of this family’s faith convictions, this may or may not reflect what they are thinking. Furthermore, that person may be in a better place, but that does not make the loss any less emotionally painful, because the family is stuck here and has to deal with everything in “this place”.
The reality of things is that a person who is deeply grieving a death and constantly hearing this from others might possibly consider suicide so that they can join that person in that “better place.” This is obviously a worse case emotional response. If the family’s faith involves belief in an afterlife, they do not need constant reminders. If they are not people who hold this as part of their personal faith, it is a comment that holds no value for them.
“You shouldn’t feel bad because…”
Emotional loss is painful. Telling people why they should not feel sad does little to change that pain. If anything, they may begin to feel bad about the fact they are experiencing pain. No matter what reason you may have to offer on why they should not feel bad, it has very little impact on their level of emotional pain.
The perception of many grievers, on hearing this, is that their personal pain is not something that matters.
“You must be feeling…”
Grief can be very much like being on a roller coaster. The feelings associated with any grieving experience can, at times, be overwhelming. At other moments, the griever may feel relatively at peace with their situation. The problem, for those trying to offer support, is that we can never truly know where they are on this emotional ride. No matter what you think, you never really know how they are feeling and to suggest that you do, can easily be taken as another example of “I know how you feel”.
Grievers get very tired of people telling them how to feel. If you suggest that they are feeling sad, and at that moment they are not, they may now feel bad for not feeling what you suggested their feeling should be.
It is, again, far better to invite them to share their feelings instead.
“You shouldn’t feel guilty…”
Grievers may or may not feel bad about some of the choices they have made. Suggesting, before they say anything, that they should not feel guilty, frequently makes them think of all of the reasons why they should feel guilty. Many grievers never associated their feelings of loss with guilt until someone suggested that they should not feel guilty.
Introducing the concept of feeling guilty encourages the griever to feel that they are somehow responsible for the loss. This is rarely the case.
If on their own, grievers tell you that they are feeling guilty, it might be helpful to ask them if they are instead thinking of things they wish might have been different, better, or more in that relationship. If they say yes to this, you might begin to talk about the Grief Recovery Method actions they can take to better express and deal with those feelings.
“You should be grateful for…”
Grievers sometime perceive this as another way of discounting the honest pain they are feeling. While they might feel grateful that their loved one is no longer suffering, that does not mean that they, the griever, are not suffering.
“It was God’s will…” or “God never gives us more than we can handle…”
I have heard this expression passed on to grievers more times than I can begin to count. This may or may not reflect their personal religious belief.
This comment sometimes causes people to question their personal faith in a God that would “take their loved one from them.” Children can be particularly sensitive to this comment. In a number of situations, I have heard a friend or clergy member tell a child that “God needs your Daddy more than you!” While this is meant to be comforting, that is rarely the case. These children are often left questioning their relationship with their faith.
“They led a full life…”
This may be true, but many of us wish that we still had more time to share.
As with many statements that people make to grievers, this one is based on an element of logic. The problem is that grief is emotional and not logical. It speaks to their head, rather than their heart. As a result, it offers little or no comfort.
“You need to keep busy…”
Keeping busy does keep our minds occupied, but it does little to relieve the emotional pain of loss. When the busy work ends, the pain is still there. It is not uncommon for grievers to keep themselves busy to the point of exhaustion. They continue to repeat this cycle over and over, thinking that on some level, it will help them get beyond their emotional pain.
Keeping busy solves nothing. It is not helpful advice. Grievers would be better served with being offered recovery actions to help them move beyond the loss, rather than just being offered busy work, which encourages them to stuff their feelings.
Most of these statements and comments are things that all of us have heard other people say when we were growing up. If you think back to your childhood when adults told you to get over it and other bits of unhelpful advice, those comments likely did not make anything better. Since you heard these things from the people you trusted, you very likely still tried to make them work for your situation. It was not until I took advanced training in helping grievers that I have finally realized that they had become part of my belief system growing up, too, and that I needed to avoid falling back on repeating them to grievers.
As a grief support professional, my goal is to help grievers move through and beyond the emotional pain of loss. There is a high probability that others have encouraged you, intentionally or unintentionally, to hide your feelings.
The greatest gift you can give anyone grieving is to listen with your heart and not your head. Allow all emotions to be expressed without judgment, criticism, or analysis.
*This post is adapted from Stephen Moeller, Grief Recovery Specialist, for the Grief Recovery Method blog.*
Grief, Growth, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness, Resources |
When was the last time you had a fantastic day where it felt like nothing could take the wind out of your sails? You didn’t spend hours being upset about something; where even mother nature provided a goldilocks-kind-of-day to enjoy. Most of us have to think real hard about this question. Because life isn’t perfect, right? And rarely do we have a day that feels as such. Or, is it how we’re choosing to see it? Furthermore, is how we see our days being influenced by the grief we store in our hearts?
Consider, too, for a moment the grief we store in our hearts and then add on our political climate with opposing views, often among family members. Then, tack on our home climate – is it chaotic, frenzied, harmful, or so busy you would forget to be if it weren’t for your phone (this has been me, too, no shame).
Is it any wonder we’re stressed out to the max? Add on the demands of life and life events that occur that are beyond our control and our bodies become the perfect incubators for disease.
I tend to feel drained by heavily social situations and I also tend to take on the negative energy of others, if I’m not mindful. Meditation is wonderful for a mental recharge/reset but how you prevent it is where I was looking forward to hearing her insight. She said that we cannot attach to the outcome and that where the energy is at in others is not our business. It’s a practice of mindfulness; witnessing the energy of others, acknowledging that that is their current experience, and noticing what is going in our own energy space. And then it’s a matter of choosing to not allow ourselves to get into negative energy and doing whatever we can to elevate our own (to put our oxygen mask on first).
Some Things You Can Do to Shift Your Energy Quickly
- Remove yourself from the presence of the situation/person.
- Saying a prayer or an affirmation to yourself. For example, I am in charge of my thoughts. I decide how I want to feel. God/Angels/Universe, help me to see this situation differently.
- Taking a walk in nature is a wonderful mind/body reset, too.
- Meditation, as previously mentioned. It doesn’t have to be a long, drawn-out process. Even 10 minutes helps! Recently, I learned of a neat technique through a young girl’s youth program in which I’m a mentor. Sit on the floor, put a hand in front of you on the floor with your fingers spread out. With eyes open or closed, take the index finger of your other hand and, starting at the base of your thumb, trace your fingers all the way around your hand, breathing in as you trace your finger moving up and exhaling as you trace your finger down. It’s a very effective calming technique and because you’re focusing on your breathing, it’s also a quick meditation practice that’s easy enough for kids and adults alike that may have never meditated or have tried it but found it challenging. Quieting the mind is hard; however, the point is to focus on deep, belly breathing. Thoughts will come and go and that’s okay. Always come back to your breath; you can’t do it wrong. It may be helpful, too, to count up to 8 in your head as you inhale, and while exhaling, count down from 8.
- Listen to uplifting music.
- Read positive quotes.
- Watch some animal/baby YouTube videos. Seriously, this works. A good laugh is good for the soul.
- Reframe the situation. What is one positive thing you can say about what you’ve experienced? What has the experience taught you? How can you carry that lesson moving forward?
The above are generic suggestions for shifting energy quickly. Life is full of challenges and this is not an attempt to simplify or minimize those challenges. Take what is helpful and ditch the rest. It’s a matter of cleaning up our side of the energy space. We are all energy. And, thoughts are energy, too. Thoughts become feelings and feelings become actions. And we back it all up with energy.
Back when I went to Austin, TX for my grief recovery certification training, I mentioned in this blog post meeting a new friend who is a Buddhist. We have kept in touch and recently we had a conversation about how to not take on the energy of others and we discussed the aforementioned. My friend went on to provide a beautiful analogy of our spirit/inner-light. She told me to imagine myself as a candle – “you are a light,” she said. She went on to explain that when you take one candle to light another, the first candle doesn’t get dimmer, rather, it burns just as bright – it’s not losing anything. So, when you’re sharing your light with others freely (without holding on to a certain outcome), similarly like a candle, your light is not extinguished and it’s then allowed the light of others to burn brightly, too. I just found that to be a beautiful analogy for the human spirit. We don’t have to feel like we’re losing a part of ourselves (and giving up our energy) when we help others burn brightly. Rather, we take care of and nurture our (inner) light so we can help others.
Sharing My Light So YOU Can Burn More Brightly
Wednesday night, I gave my last talk before I was planning to start my first Grief Recovery Group. I came into it with a ton of energy, enthusiasm, and excitement! I had two people show up that weren’t even from the community and I left with the same energy, enthusiasm, and excitement – not for me – for them. Why? Because they took action and showed up for themselves. They are tired of the grief weighing on their hearts and lives and have decided to do something about it. I admire them for it because it takes courage. All the while, my heart is sad for those who feel that the pain is more deserving of their heart than the love that is locked away because it’s unable to be fully expressed.
Over the last five weeks or so, I’ve given three talks in three different communities. The first talk had 2 people in attendance. The next talk had 1 person. And the last talk, as I mentioned, 2 showed up. I know there are a lot more than 4-5 grievers out there within a 45-minute drive of me. I know there are.
It is so common that few show up to these talks at the beginning that I was forewarned. Yup, my mentors at The Grief Recovery Institute told me this would happen! Perhaps you wanted to come but you had prior obligations or you had an emergency. I get that things happen. No worries. Who I am directly talking to right now are those who know they’re hurting, whose hearts told them to put their shoes on but whose minds talked them out of it. Because I know that’s exactly what was happening and what I was told would happen.
What’s Possible
We all reach the end of our ropes at some point. Perhaps your hurting heart is just not there yet. And, that’s okay. There is no timeline to grief because truthfully, you’ll never be rid of it. Never. The love has nowhere to go when you’ve lost the one you were giving it to. However, it is possible to think of your loved one and not be taken back to the deep grief you’re currently feeling. It is possible to think of your loved one and remember the happy times more than all the things you never got to say, wish you would’ve said, or all the memories you’ll never share again. It’s living alongside grief. It’s actually living – moving forward beyond the grief that is possible.
I can’t want this for you more than you want it for yourself. If this resonates with you and you feel a tug in your heart to join those who’ve decided to take this journey of healing, you have until Wednesday, May 29th, at the latest to join. We actually start next Wednesday, the 22nd, however, week 2 is the cut-off date. After this 8-week group, I don’t know when the next group will be held.
Will you choose to heal? If not now, when? If not this, then what?
P.S. If you would like more info or would like to begin your healing journey next week, email me directly at victoria [at] theunleashedheart [dot] com OR reach out via Facebook messenger on my page, The Unleashed Heart.
Grief, Living Unleashed, Resources |
We’ve all heard the saying: “It takes a village to raise a family.” I want to add: “It takes a village to heal.” We can try all our might to heal alone, but that road is far more lonely, frustrating, and longer than it needs to be.
One of the myths of grief is to grieve alone. We are told, from a young age: if you want to cry, go to your room. In other words – grieve alone. It’s the idea that we are to have a stiff upper lip and there’s something to be sorry about for crying in front of others. I used to apologize when I got emotional in front of others because I hated the feeling that someone else was made to feel uncomfortable at my expense. Or, it was something to also be embarrassed about. I imagine men feel the latter more strongly than women, because, heaven forbid a man cries in public, right?
Our society doesn’t know what to do with grief – our own, much less the grief of others. But, I can tell you, there is a reason therapists still have a job. There’s a reason there are social workers. There’s a reason schools are mandated to have school counselors. And yet, here we are – having made no more progress in the pursuit of joy and inner-peace when it comes to the many losses we experience in our lives than where we were 3 generations ago. Because influenced learning continues. It’s also why the cycle of abuse in families generally continues. We learn from our parents and our parents learned from their parents and so forth.
So today – it takes a village to come to this understanding. And, it takes a village to heal, too. We start within ourselves, yes, but we can’t do it alone either. We need support, guidance, and a heart with ears. We need to be able to feel heard without judgment, criticism and analyzing.
The last three days have been filled with interesting conversations around grief, several that occurred very spontaneously, too. And, the one thing that occurred to me is busy-ness blocks healing. One of the other myths of grief to keep busy. Growing up, we’re taught that if you just keep busy and keep doing and going and going that it will somehow magically take our pain away. But, it never goes away, does it? We simply overlay it with the band-aid of busy.
Our busy-ness hinders healing for others, too. For example, when you ask someone how they’re doing and they reply with, what you know, is not going to be a simple I’m fine but rather a story about their disheartened state, you suddenly may regret you even asked. Because in your busy-ness you were hoping for a short answer. In fact, you were expecting it, right? So, you’re taken down the rabbit hole of someone else’s unfortunate day and all you’ve got running through your head is your to-do list, the meeting you’re supposed to be at, or maybe how you regret you even asked in the first place.
We’ve all been there – no guilt, no shame needed. But, let’s just bring this to our awareness for a moment. And, I challenge you, that – unless you’re really willing to be present for that person and give them your heart space for them to share, do yourself, and them a favor, and give a simple hello and smile instead.
Time heals all wounds, right? Wrong. It’s action taken within time that matters and we don’t take the action necessary – for ourselves or others, to nurture healing either. We don’t seek a village for support because of shame or guilt, and we are hesitant to offer our time to others, too out of fear, I believe, too.
There is so much more to this and I’ve barely scratched the surface. But, I hope it’s helped bring some awareness.
To healing – yours and mine,
P.S. Did this post resonate with you? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments! Know someone who would enjoy this? Use the easy-peasy share buttons! Thank you for reading! xx
