Grief Tips, Grieving Voices Podcast, Growth, Healing, Mental Health, Mind/Body Wellness, solo episode |
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Today’s episode is about navigating significant dates and other reminders after a loss. Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays—these milestones can be poignant reminders that reopen the chapters of our grief, not to mention the special places that flood the heart with memories, and then the waves of emotion follow.
But here’s what I’ve learned: While it may seem like these days are there to test our resolve, they also offer us an opportunity for reflection and honoring memories. Consider this—what if you could transform your pain on these dates into acts of remembrance? Lighting a candle or playing their favorite song isn’t just about ritual; it’s about keeping a part of them alive within us.
Key Points Discussed:
- Acknowledging the Weight of Memories
- Permitting Yourself to Feel
- Creating New Traditions
- The Silence Around Grief
- Finding Support That Moves You Forward
- Planning Ahead for Tough Days
- Self-Care & Communication During Grief
When my father passed away, my family chose silence as our coping mechanism—a choice that left little room for healing. It taught me an invaluable lesson: acknowledgment is not only necessary but vital, especially when young eyes are looking up at us to learn how to navigate their own emotional landscapes.
The power of community in times like these cannot be overstated. Surrounding yourself with people who understand your journey is more than comforting; it’s healing. But remember—finding spaces where growth is nurtured over stagnation is crucial. As you approach those tough calendar days, plan ahead. Honor your feelings by allowing yourself to say no when needed and yes to self-care and tenderness towards your heartache.
To everyone walking through seasons of grief: know that every step taken is progress made toward healing—even on those dates marked by absence rather than celebration.
RESOURCES:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Navigating the Waves of Grief: Honoring Lost Loved Ones on Special Dates
Grief is an unpredictable companion, often intensifying during significant dates that remind us of those we’ve lost. In this episode of *Grieving Voices*, we delve into how these poignant reminders—birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays—can reopen healing wounds and what strategies can help us cope with the renewed sense of loss.
The Ebb and Flow of Memories
Special dates act as powerful triggers for grief. They are stark reminders that life has irrevocably changed. Whether it’s a birthday without the celebrant or a holiday missing one key participant, such days highlight absence with an acute sharpness.
It’s crucial to recognize that feeling overwhelmed by these occasions is not only common but entirely natural. It’s part of the grieving process—one that doesn’t adhere to timelines or expectations. Be gentle with yourself; allow emotions to surface without self-judgment.
Crafting New Traditions in Remembrance
In my own experience following my father’s passing, I learned that ignoring these important dates wasn’t beneficial—for me nor for my siblings who were also grappling with their grief journey. Instead, creating new traditions can be a therapeutic way to honor our loved ones’ memories while acknowledging our ongoing lives.
Lighting a candle might seem simple yet symbolizes so much more—it’s a beacon of remembrance casting light on cherished moments shared together. Playing their favorite music allows melodies to fill the silence left behind—a celebration of their tastes and preferences even in absence.
Cooking a meal they loved serves as an homage through flavors and scents—an intimate connection maintained across different realms. These acts don’t replace presence but rather intertwine memory within current experiences, ensuring our loved ones continue to influence our lives meaningfully.
Seeking Supportive Communities
The importance of finding understanding individuals or groups cannot be overstated when navigating grief’s complexities on special dates. Sharing stories about your loved one can provide immense comfort—not just in expressing your feelings but also in hearing others’ accounts which may echo your own experiences or offer fresh perspectives.
Seek out environments where you feel genuinely heard—a space where progress towards healing is encouraged over stagnation in sorrowful reflection alone.
Preparing for Tough Times
Planning ahead for challenging days involves recognizing personal needs amidst societal expectations surrounding social gatherings and festivities—the right to grieve authentically should always take precedence over conforming to norms if they do not serve your well-being at heart.
Declining invitations needn’t be seen as rudeness but rather an assertion of self-care; prioritize activities conducive to your healing journey whether it means solitude or seeking company depending on what feels right at any given moment.
Healing from loss isn’t passive—it requires openness towards moving forward despite pain lingering beneath surfaces readying itself especially during significant times like anniversaries and holidays.
Taking small steps each day towards acceptance can gradually build resilience against grief’s harsher waves when they come crashing down unexpectedly around these sensitive periods.
As we conclude today’s *Grieving Voices* discussion remember: care deeply for yourselves because through unleashing hearts comes freedom—and ultimately life itself becomes unleashed anew albeit differently shaped by love enduring beyond physical presence alone.
Until next time cherish every heartbeat knowing each throb honors those gone before us guiding lights forevermore along paths trodden under starlit skies filled with memories everlasting… Much love always 💖
Episode Transcription:
Victoria Volk: Welcome dear listeners to another episode of our journey together through grief and healing on this episode, one ninety, holy cow of grieving voices. So thank you so much for being here.
Victoria Volk: Today, I’m addressing a topic that touches the heart deeply, navigating special dates and reminders after the loss of a loved one. Whether it’s the anniversary of their passing, their birthday, or the first holiday season without them. These moments can reopen wounds and challenger peace, quite frankly. Let’s start by acknowledging that these dates and reminders like the empty chair at the holiday table or the quiet of a bedroom once filled with laughter. Carry a weight of memories and emotions. And it’s entirely okay to feel a surge of grief, and it’s okay to seek ways to honor and remember those we’ve lost while nurturing our hearts. Firstly, I want to tell you, give yourself permission to feel. I didn’t for over thirty years. And that’s a form of suffering. That’s a form of self suffering. Grief doesn’t follow a schedule and emotions may come in waves. It’s important to allow yourself to experience these feelings without judgment. I can tell you, I wish I would have allowed myself to feel much sooner and earlier in my life.
Victoria Volk: Creating a new tradition can be a meaningful way to honor your loved one. Light a candle for them. Play their favorite music, or prepare a meal they loved. This act of remembrance can be a comforting way to keep their memory alive. I remember when my dad passed away and on the anniversaries, there was no talk of remembrance or honoring quite frankly, it was not even really acknowledged. It was something that we held closely to the vest individually. And that’s really sad to me. And I don’t wish that for anybody, especially children who grow up learning that that’s the air quote, right way to grieve. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There’s your way, but there are healthier, more proactive ways. That move you forward, but don’t keep you stuck. That’s what I’m all about. And so in order to do that, Oftentimes we need to reach out to for support. Surrounding yourself with understanding, friends, or family, or even joining a support group. Be careful though. Support groups can be a place that make you feel more miserable after you leave.
Victoria Volk: So it’s important to find a support group that you feel comfortable with, that everyone’s voice feels heard and honored, and quite frankly, that maybe has some action that moves you forward, not keeping repeating the same story week after week. But it can be a great place to connect with other people who have experienced a similar loss as you. And even if they haven’t experienced a similar loss as you, we can all learn something from each other. But spaces like these and people that we trust can often provide us comfort It enables us to share stories and memories which can be powerful way to feel connected to your loved one and to others who understand your pain. Again, this wasn’t something that was demonstrated for me growing up as a child. And I don’t think that is the case for many children, even today, I don’t think much has changed in in the ways that we grieve. Which is why my mission to share what grief is and my understanding, my new understanding, my new knowledge, what I’ve learned about it, has become an important mission of mine.
Victoria Volk: So thank you for joining me in this episode, and I hope that you share it. And share any other episode that you feel could be insightful or helpful to someone else you know or love. Coming back to the episode and what we’re talking about today, it’s important to plan ahead for those tough days. Knowing that a difficult date is approaching, consider planning a day that balances remembrance with self care. It might be a day for quiet reflection or doing something that brings you joy or peace. I recently had the deversary of my father. And quite frankly, I spent the day doing what I love. And that’s putting together and working on a pet loss program. And working on my mission, that was a way that I could honor my loss. In the memory of my father. And so whatever that means for you, that is a form of self care.
Victoria Volk: Moving on for those reminders that come unexpectedly, like an invite to an event your loved one will never experience. Like a wedding, graduation, baby shower. It’s okay to give yourself grace. It’s okay to decline invitations if you’re not ready. And it’s okay to take moments for yourself when memories flood in unexpectedly. Perhaps you wish to attend these events, and create an exit strategy for yourself if it becomes too much and emotionally overwhelming. One more thing on that note, if it’s been several years. Now again, grief doesn’t follow a timeline. If moving forward and being able to go to events like a wedding or a baby shower or graduation is something you want to do without feeling this pull to the pain of the past? That is an indicator for you, that it’s time to take action, that it’s time to address what is emotionally incomplete for you.
Victoria Volk: And I’ve shared it in other podcast episodes, and I’ll share it today. I do have a program that’s one on one working with Grievers. Twelve sessions. It’s called do grief differently. It’s just you and me. It’s not talk therapy. It’s an evidence based program that is specific to you and your life experience and your specific grief. And that’s why it works. It may appear to be like this cookie cutter thing. And I know a lot of people might think, well, it worked for you who you know, it’s not gonna work for me. How do you know unless you try? And if you tried everything else, what do you have to lose? But more years of a joy filled life. That’s my challenge for you today as you’re listening to this, to consider that. Moving on to my final recommendation for Grievers listening to this. Is consider creating a memory box or a dedicated space in your home where you can display photos, momentos, or anything else that reminds you of your loved one.
Victoria Volk: Visiting the space can offer a sense of closeness and a personal sanctuary for your grief and love. There is a caveat to this though. Sometimes we can enshrine people. We can create an enshrinement in our homes. Of the person we we lost. And these enshrinements where we view the person as never having any humanness to them, like never having any faults, never doing anything bad and we just we we think only the positive about this person. But if you really dig deep, You have to ask yourself, how true is that? Because even the closest people we we love who have passed away, hurt us in some way, caused us suffering or pain, or stress or frustration, maybe we were estranged. We need to get to the emotional truth of the relationship and if we entrying people. And never become emotionally complete with those those hertz that we’re holding on to. But we’re over shrouding and over simplifying and probably even minimizing or not even addressing the other things that hurt us. This is where we remain emotionally incomplete. And remain stuck in our pain.
Victoria Volk: So it’s important to consider that when you’re creating this space in your home for someone who is passed away. On the flip side of that, we also call the opposite, be devilment, where you only think of the negative about somebody or only hold on to the negative aspects of the relationship. And you have to ask yourself that as well. Like, is that completely true? Is that one hundred percent true of the relationship? Relationships are dynamic and complicated and complex and layered and and we have to address all of the emotional stuff on the positive and the negative side to become emotionally and we can’t do that if we’d be devolving someone or if we’re enshrining the relationship. And maybe that’s the first time you’ve heard any of that.
Victoria Volk: And Maybe you’re asking yourself, oh, do I have an enshrinement? It might be devilish someone in a relationship, and only you can answer that. But take some time with this episode and reflect on the things that I’ve shared so far. Listen to it again if you have to. But remember, dear listeners grief is a journey that is uniquely yours. And there’s no right or wrong way to navigate these moments when they hit. But I wanted to share this episode as a way to support and bring some lightness to the dark, and to let you know that it’s okay to have days where you don’t feel okay. And being able to communicate that to those around you saying, you know what, I need space today. Thank you so much for the invitation, but I’m going to have to decline. That’s all you need to say. You don’t need to go into the long story, an explanation. You don’t owe an explanation. Just I need to tend to my heart today. That’s it.
Victoria Volk: And so what’s most important is that you do what feels right for you allowing yourself to heal. Again, allowing yourself to heal. You have to be open to receiving that healing. And I also think you need to be ready to want to heal. And remember in your own time and in your own way that will happen. Might not be today, but hold the hope that it could be tomorrow or even two months from now. If you take little baby steps every day, I promise you you’ll get there, but Time is not gonna wait for you to figure it out. Didn’t wait for me. Over thirty years, it did not wait for me. Trust me on that. It takes action to move your life forward in the direction that you want it to go. Thank you for sharing this time with me today. May you find comfort and strength and healing in the days ahead?
Victoria Volk: Until next time, take care of your hearts. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Emotions, Grief, Grief Tips, Grieving Voices Podcast, solo episode |
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
RESOURCES:
Early episodes that may interest you…
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Navigating Friendships in Times of Grief: Understanding, Communication, and Self-Care
When we face the stormy seas of grief, our friends often serve as anchors—keeping us grounded amidst the tumultuous waves of sorrow. However, it can be disheartening when those we count on seem to drift away just when we need them most. Today at Grieving Voices, let’s explore this delicate dynamic and offer some guidance on how to navigate friendships during times of loss.
The Unpredictable Nature of Support
Grief is a profoundly personal experience that reshapes our world in ways others may not fully comprehend. As much as we hope for unwavering support from friends, their reactions can vary widely. Some may envelop us with empathy and understanding while others might unexpectedly become distant or even disappear.
It’s essential to recognize that each person has unique emotional capacities and life experiences that influence their ability to provide support during such times. For some friends, your grief may evoke unresolved feelings about their own losses; they might fear saying something hurtful or simply feel unequipped to handle the depth of your pain.
Communication: The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
Open communication can be a bridge reconnecting you with friends who seem distant. If you’re up for it, initiate an honest conversation about what you’re going through and express what kind of support would help—whether it’s a listening ear or someone to share memories with.
Conversely, give space for your friends to communicate too—they may have valid reasons for stepping back that are unrelated to your relationship or situation. By fostering dialogue, both parties can gain clarity and find common ground even amidst discomfort.
Managing Expectations: The Compass Guiding Your Emotional Journey
While reaching out is important, managing expectations is equally crucial in maintaining inner peace during these trying times. Not every friend will respond as hoped—and that’s okay—it doesn’t diminish the value they’ve added to your life nor does it lessen your worthiness for support.
Consider expanding your circle by seeking additional forms of assistance like therapy or joining a grief support group where shared experiences foster connection and understanding amongst peers navigating similar paths.
The Evolutionary Dance of Friendship Through Grief
Friendships ebb and flow like tides influenced by life’s changing circumstances—including periods marked by loss. It’s natural for relationships to evolve; some bonds strengthen while others fade into memory’s backdrop—a bittersweet part of life’s journey.
In this dance with change comes an opportunity for self-discovery—you learn more about who shows up when storms hit shorelines unannounced; likewise discovering new depths within yourself capable of weathering solitude if needed before finding community anew.
Handle these shifts with grace—for yourself and those around you—by practicing empathy towards everyone involved including oneself. Remember self-care isn’t selfish—it ensures you’re emotionally available not only for others but vitally so—for yourself first.
As today’s exploration concludes remember—the absence felt from lost connections makes room for growth both within one’s heart-space & social circles alike leading potentially towards deeper more resonant ties ahead.
If today’s insights resonate please consider sharing them across platforms where fellow travelers journey through grief could benefit from solidarity found within shared words spoken here today—or leave thoughts behind via reviews aiding further conversations yet untold across grieving voices everywhere.
Should questions stir within soul-sands untouched reach out directly allowing continued dialogues underpinning future episodes crafted here among collective wisdom gathered together beneath healing skies above all else take care nurture tenderly knowing full well—in releasing heartfelt truths freedom follows suit unlocking boundless possibilities lying dormant awaiting breaths freshened anew much love until next time dear listeners goodbye.
Episode Transcription:
Victoria Volk
00:00:03 – 00:00:16
Hello. Hello. Thank you for tuning in to Grieving Voices. I am your host, Victoria V. And today, we’ll explore a question that many of us may grapple with during times of grief and loss.
Victoria Volk
00:00:17 – 00:01:06
The question we’ll be digging into today is, I am grieving the devastating loss of my sister, among other things, and I feel like some of my friends are becoming distant. Why aren’t they supporting me? So we’re just gonna dive right into the answer for today’s episode, which is about feeling ghosted in your grief, and why some friends might become distant and why they don’t support you. When we experience loss and grief, it can be incredibly challenging to navigate our relationships, particularly with friends. It’s not uncommon to feel a sense of disappointment or confusion when we perceive that our friends are becoming distant or not providing the support that we had hoped for.
Victoria Volk
00:01:06 – 00:01:47
It’s important to remember that everyone processes grief differently. While some friends may naturally step up and offer support, others may struggle to know how to navigate this unfamiliar territory. And remember, a large part of why I created this podcast is to educate because most of us are raised with myths and misinformation about grief. And to learn more about what I mean, I encourage you to check out the first ten episodes of this podcast where I share all about the misinformation about grief we grow up with and bring into adulthood. And with this in mind, it’s helpful to approach these situations with empathy and understanding.
Victoria Volk
00:01:48 – 00:02:33
One possible reason for your friend’s distance could be their own comfort with grief. Society often struggles to openly discuss and address the topic of loss, which can lead to friends feeling ill-equipped or unsure of how to provide support. It’s also possible that they may be avoiding the topic out of fear of saying the wrong thing or making things worse. It could also be bringing up some of their own grief long buried that they may not have given much thought about until lately. To not feel their own pain, they disengage themselves from anything that activates those long ago buried emotions that they just as soon as prefer to forget about.
Victoria Volk
00:02:34 – 00:02:59
Additionally, people have their own lives and challenges they may be facing. It’s important to recognize that your friends may be dealing with their own personal struggles, which could be impacting their ability to offer support at this time. It doesn’t mean they care any less about you. It’s just that they may be managing their own emotional load. Communication is key in navigating these situations.
Victoria Volk
00:03:01 – 00:03:41
It’s important to express your feelings and needs to your friends in a gentle and open manner. Letting them know that you appreciate their friendship and would value their support during this difficult time can help bridge the gap and foster understanding. However, it’s also important to manage your expectations. Not everyone can provide the level of support you desire or need. It’s essential to seek out additional sources of support, such as support groups, therapy, or other individuals who have experienced similar losses or who have the capacity to hold space for you and the however you feel you need.
Victoria Volk
00:03:42 – 00:04:17
These resources can provide the understanding and validation you may be seeking. And lastly, it’s crucial to remember that friendships evolve and change over time. While it can be painful to see a sense of distance from friends during times of grief, it’s possible that these changes are a natural part of the ebb and flow of relationships. This doesn’t mean that the friendship is over or that it’s reflection of your worth. It’s simply a reminder that friendships, like people, are dynamic and subject to change.
Victoria Volk
00:04:19 – 00:05:03
In conclusion, if you feel like some of your friends are becoming distant and not providing the support you desire, it’s important to approach the situation again with empathy, understanding, and open communication. Recognize that everyone process their grief differently and that your friends may be dealing with their own challenges. And seeking out additional sources of support and being open to the evolution of friendships over time can help ease the pain of those relationships changing. So that concludes today’s episode, short, sweet, and to the point. I hope this discussion has provided some insights and guidance as you navigate the complexities of friendship during times of grief.
Victoria Volk
00:05:04 – 00:05:35
If you found it helpful, I’d be so grateful if you shared it or took a minute to leave a review or rate it on Apple Itunes or a quick star rating on Spotify as this helps others see that this podcast is worth a listen and for others to find it as well. Additionally, please reach out if you have any further questions or topics you’d like me to explore. I thank you for joining me, and until next time, take care, and remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Childhood Grief, Grief, solo episode |
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY :
How often have we heard or even played ‘the guilt and blame game’ in relationships? This emotional turmoil hinders healing and obscures the path to genuine connection.
In today’s episode, we dive deep into the complex themes of self-love, self-acceptance, and navigating loss. Healing isn’t just about moving past grief; it involves embracing responsibility for our emotions, navigating forgiveness, and making peace internally—sometimes without confronting another soul. As a grief counselor, I’ve witnessed how loss challenges faith and spirituality but also offers profound lessons in nurturing them.
Regret may whisper tales of what could have been, yet authentic care means addressing those echoes within us rather than seeking external resolutions. Grief is personal—it carves unique paths for each wanderer—and advice must be sifted like grains through fingers until only what serves remains.
Today reminds us that life is transient—”you are dust, and to dust you will return.” This sentiment urges us to contemplate our aspirations before time writes its final word on our chapter.
An oracle card left me contemplating as it spoke of new chapters filled with uncertainty—an inevitable companion in growth. Embrace this dance with change as your story unfolds into awakening.
Here’s to new beginnings built on foundations of love—for oneself first—that ripple outward.
RESOURCES:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Embracing Self-Love and Authentic Care on a Day of Duality
Today, we find ourselves at the crossroads of two significant observances – Valentine’s Day and Ash Wednesday. A day typically associated with romantic love coincides with one that marks introspection and spirituality. This unique convergence offers us an opportunity to dive deeper into the concept of self-love, which has been a buzzword in wellness circles but is often misunderstood.
Self-love transcends beyond surface-level indulgences such as bubble baths or nail treatments; it’s rooted in self-acceptance and compassion. In our fast-paced world, finding moments for quiet reflection can be challenging, yet it is through these moments that we cultivate self-awareness—a key ingredient for nurturing meaningful connections with others.
The Disconnect Within Ourselves
Our struggle to connect deeply with others usually mirrors our disconnection from ourselves. When faced with loss or heartbreak, it’s easy to fall into the trap of the guilt and blame game — pointing fingers either at ourselves or others for what went wrong. However, engaging in this cycle only hinders our healing process.
Healing Through Responsibility and Forgiveness
True healing begins when we take responsibility for our emotions instead of externalizing them onto someone else. It requires working through forgiveness — not just forgiving those who may have hurt us but also forgiving ourselves for any perceived failings or mistakes.
Addressing Regrets Without Confrontation
Reflecting on past relationships might stir up regrets or wishes that things had turned out differently. Authentic self-care means addressing these feelings internally without necessarily confronting the other person involved. As a grief counselor, I’ve seen firsthand how grief encompasses more than grappling with death—it also involves nurturing faith and spirituality during times when they are most tested.
Navigating Your Grief Journey
Grieving is profoundly personal; there isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach to managing it. Not all advice will resonate with you because your journey is uniquely yours—honor that by being selective about who you include in your support circle.
Ash Wednesday’s Poignant Reminder
On Ash Wednesday, we’re reminded “you are dust, and to dust you shall return.” This humbling message prompts us to reflect on life’s impermanence and consider what legacy we wish to create before reaching life’s inevitable end.
Embrace Uncertainty as You Step Into New Beginnings.
As today symbolizes new beginnings—for some in terms of love; for others regarding spiritual awakening—we must embrace uncertainty accompanying change rather than resist it.
An Oracle Card Message For You
In closing this discussion on duality between celebration and contemplation comes an oracle card message: Embrace the uncertainty as you step into new versions of your lives—let each new chapter unfold naturally.
Unleash Your Heart
Remember that unleashing your heart opens pathways not just toward fulfilling relationships but also towards living fully alive—with courage, purposeful direction—and ultimately unleashes your life itself.
Here’s wishing everyone strength on their journeys towards authentic self-love this Valentine’s Day meets Ash Wednesday—an ideal time for beginning anew while honoring where you’ve come from.
Episode Transcription:
Victoria Volk
00:00:03 – 00:00:35
Hello, beautiful souls listening to today’s episode. Thank you so much for being here. And I really didn’t know what I was going to talk about today when I sat down to record. It is in fact Valentine’s Day and it is Ash Wednesday. And my newsletter for this week was about a less-than-happy Valentine’s Day, which last week’s episode, if you haven’t listened to it, that’s what it was about.
Victoria Volk
00:00:35 – 00:01:52
And instead of reinventing the wheel, the timing of my newsletter coming out, which is biweekly, was the same topic. And so there’s been a lot of discussion and I’ve seen a lot of information out there and content about self-love, but I took it a step further in last week’s episode, and it is really more than about bubble baths and getting your nails done and all of that, which are all great, or taking a nap. But although I’m a huge proponent of self-care and, you know, pampering yourself, taking a spa day, spa day at home, enjoying a cup of tea, sitting down with a friend, all these little things that we can do, these micro-moments that we can cultivate for ourselves to nurture our souls, to nurture our spirit, to bring some lightness to our day, to bring some lightness to our Heavy hearts, I’m all for that. That’s and that’s a lot of what the content has been lately.
Victoria Volk
00:01:52 – 00:02:33
I even shared some of that in my newsletter. But I think when we talk about self-care, self-love, it’s more about self-acceptance, meeting yourself where you’re at, having compassion for yourself. And how do you do that? It’s really difficult to do that though, when you’re a hamster on the wheel of your own life when you don’t even stop long enough to sit in stillness or in the quiet. Because in the stillness and in the quiet is when fear comes up.
Victoria Volk
00:02:35 – 00:03:39
Is when the anxieties come up and our heart starts racing when we think about the future and our fists might clench up or our teeth might clench up or we might feel tightness in our body somewhere when we think about the past. So self-love really is self-acceptance, self-awareness, self-compassion. It’s all of those things. And it’s in doing the things to build connection within the self that we can build deeper connections within our relationships with others. And I think so many of us are walking around with these walls up in this armor, keeping ourselves at a distance from deeper connection to other people because what we’ve really lost is a deeper connection within self.
Victoria Volk
00:03:41 – 00:04:35
But what happened is we don’t think about that first relationship with ourself when something bad happens to us or something negative just knocks us off our feet in our lives, and we have this terrible loss, a devastating loss, whether it be by death or just estrangement or just a disconnect of relationship for some reason, maybe even unknown. Maybe just a distance comes between, you know, like two ships in the night. Right? And so we can quickly go to that place of blame, of wanting to blame. We can also feel guilt.
Victoria Volk
00:04:35 – 00:05:11
Guilt and blame. It’s the guilt and blame game. That’s what we play with ourselves, the guilt and blame game. And either we feel guilty about something that we did or didn’t do and or we want to blame or find something or someone to blame for how we feel, not taking responsibility for ourselves for how we feel. And so that’s what I wanna riff about today, which I’ve already kind of been riffing on for 6 minutes now or so.
Victoria Volk
00:05:13 – 00:07:00
But I wanna talk about and I might get into, like, this disconnect in loss of faith, Faith within ourselves, like, we lose faith within ourselves, but we also lose faith, I think, in life itself of feeling supported of a higher power, and it’s Ash Wednesday, and it’s all about Love today. And so all of this connects and ties in and maybe I’ll wrap it with a really nice Beau at the end in some way, but so I’m gonna feel like I might be jumping around a bit and maybe I hope you can stick with me and, I hope I can connect the dots for you, but I have so many thoughts and I guess that’s where I’m feeling a little scrambled at this moment, but I’m just riffing, so let’s see where it takes us. So coming back to the concept of loss of relationships or you know, things happening again, whether it be by means of death or otherwise. But when something or when someone important in our lives leaves for some reason, we’re often left with many things we wish had been different, better, or more. Sometimes the situation is such that the last interaction we had with them was maybe a fight or an argument, which leaves us with an additional emotional burden beyond just the normal impact of the grief and the things that are never going to happen because the other person died or is no longer in your life.
Victoria Volk
00:07:01 – 00:07:55
So I just wanna address that word guilt. Guilt implies an intent to do harm. When someone is no longer in our life because they either passed away or just again, like the relationship ended for whatever reason, we often reflect on our last interactions with this with that person. And it’s in that reflection where we can think about these things that we said or we did and how we wish we would have said things differently or wish we would have done things differently or how we wish a situation would have ended better. And we often in these moments of emotional these emotionally charged moments is when we often say things we don’t mean or say things in a tone we didn’t mean or they’re taking them in a different way that was intended.
Victoria Volk
00:07:55 – 00:08:26
And so this is where then you have this complexity of a relationship where it’s one person feeling guilty, the other person feeling blame, and this is in the normal. Like our typical relationships often have scenarios that play out like this. And so when one person passes away or doesn’t is no longer in our life, those feelings don’t go away. They’re still there. Now, of course, if you’re the one that passed away.
Victoria Volk
00:08:26 – 00:09:11
Of course not. But the one that’s left behind, and whether that’s guilt or that’s blame, you still have those emotions within you that you’re holding on to that you hold on to unless you have an awareness of their existence and work through processing those feelings and emotions and thoughts so that you can change them, so that you can move past the pain of the experience. And of course, you’ll still feel sadness, but the pain will be lessened. And a part of that is recognizing the 1% responsibility that you have. And I say 1% because so often for people, especially in cases of abuse and things like that.
Victoria Volk
00:09:11 – 00:09:39
It’s really hard just to take responsibility. Like, what is my responsibility? I wasn’t the one doing this. I wasn’t the one harming the other, especially in the case of abuse is what I’m getting at there. But when we take 1 at least 1% responsibility for how we feel, because really, it’s only us who are responsible for our feelings. We can change how we move forward.
Victoria Volk
00:09:39 – 00:10:22
We have a choice in how we move forward. And that plays into forgiveness and apologies and significant emotional statements that we work through and I do grief differently in the grief work that I do with clients. It’s still work that I personally do myself because whether people are alive or dead, they’re still in our lives. There’s still an emotional connection that exists and keeps on going. Relationships have many components, good, bad, and sometimes ugly.
Victoria Volk
00:10:23 – 00:11:06
And when the last interaction we had wasn’t good, we often carry that last bad interaction forward and sometimes lose sight of all of the other elements of the relationship. But by understanding that guilt is an intent to do harm, we can remove Inappropriate language. That’s not even appropriate for how a person feels. And this is where I want you to think about in a relationship that you have now, whether the person is still living or has died, what do you wish about that relationship would be different, better, or more. What are your losses of hopes, dreams and expectations for that relationship?
Victoria Volk
00:11:07 – 00:11:36
Is there anything you need to apologize for? Is there anything that you need to forgive? And there’s is there anything else that you haven’t said to this person that you wish you would have, either on the positive spectrum or on the perceived negative spectrum? Switching gears to talk more about blame. When something happens in our lives, we, it is our almost a knee jerk reaction to, oh, who can I blame for this?
Victoria Volk
00:11:36 – 00:12:09
Who’s at fault? You know, it’s our perceived you know, we’re always looking to protect ourselves, right? And so if someone is doing something that we perceive as an attack or someone did something physically, you know, there’s someone to blame. There’s someone on the other end of that that’s inflicting that either physical or emotional pain. And so it is easy to just point the finger and blame another person, and it might be very justified.
Victoria Volk
00:12:09 – 00:12:34
You know, this emotional energy has to go somewhere, and we often channel it through anger that is fueled by blame. So whether it’s another person who’s living or the person who has passed away, especially if the person’s passed away, you are stuck in emotional jail because you are never going to get an apology from someone who’s passed away. This is why that is personal work. Apologies, forgiveness, significant emotional statements. This is internal personal work.
Victoria Volk
00:12:34 – 00:12:53
It is for you, and it’s not for anybody else. And you don’t even have to confront the other person. And this is work that I do with clients. This is work that I’ve personally went through myself and continue to work through. You do not have to confront people to address these emotions that you’re holding in, the guilt and the blame.
Victoria Volk
00:12:53 – 00:13:14
And for so long, for so many years, like many of you probably listening, I blamed God. My dad passed away when I was young, and my life completely flipped upside down and inside out. What is a child to do? You know, we’re always taught that, you know, God loves you. And I was in Bible school, and then you’re told, well, they went into heaven.
Victoria Volk
00:13:14 – 00:13:34
And when you’re told these ridiculous things like, God needed another angel, do not say that to people. Because if you really think about it, if I told somebody if I told a child especially, well, God needed another angel. Okay. Well, I’ll just blame God then because, you know, my dad should be here with me, not with God. He should be here with me.
Victoria Volk
00:13:34 – 00:14:01
And so I’m gonna blame God because God took my dad, and that’s exactly what happened. You know, through that messaging, we’ve all done it. As parents, we resort to what we know, and I don’t even know who specifically said it? But maybe it’s just this messaging. It’s subliminal messaging that I was receiving in culture or you know, because by the age of 3, we have learned 75% of how to respond to life’s challenges.
Victoria Volk
00:14:01 – 00:14:43
So if that doesn’t blow your mind, I don’t know what does. But by the age of 15, we’ve already learned everything that we’re going to resort to to respond to life. And that is why it’s so important to understand the importance of language and the importance of not saying stuff like that to a child who has lost a parent or a pet because that child grows up thinking God is the reason. God is to blame. And that not only is a harmful thing to hold on to as a child growing up that way but imagine what that does to a child’s faith growing up.
Victoria Volk
00:14:43 – 00:15:35
And when you grow up questioning faith or questioning God, you don’t have that in your life. And I see so many people turning away from faith, turning away from God. And this is I’m not gonna I’m not gonna stuff a bunch of spiritual or God or faith stuff down your throat today, that is not my intention here. I am just going to simply say that having faith in and trust that you are held, that you are cared for, that you are loved, no matter what you have done, no matter what you have not done, that is the truth. That you were created in the image and the likeness of God.
Victoria Volk
00:15:35 – 00:16:05
And if you think about all of just the creation of a human life itself, if you just google it, it is astonishing. It is a miracle of how we come to be. It is an absolute miracle. And so you are a miracle, and we are all created of this Miracle stardust. And we don’t recognize our own beauty and our own light.
Victoria Volk
00:16:06 – 00:16:53
And when the shit hits the fan in our lives, we so easily forget that, and then we look to blame. Because little by little, our beliefs are challenged, our thoughts change, our behavior starts to change, and not in a healthy way. And this is how grief chips away at us little by little, until we come back to understanding and knowing ourselves. Challenging those beliefs that we have been taught, such as God needed another angel or whatever stupid shit you were told as a child just because your parents didn’t know better, the adults in the world did not know better. Again, they resorted to what they knew.
Victoria Volk
00:16:55 – 00:17:06
But even adults say stupid shit to other adults. That is not helpful. Oh, they’re in a better place. No, they’re freaking not. They should be here with me.
Victoria Volk
00:17:06 – 00:17:19
No, they’re not in a better place. Because this should have never happened. They should have never gotten sick. They should have never gotten in that car accident. That other person shouldn’t have been driving drunk.
Victoria Volk
00:17:19 – 00:17:53
Whatever the case may be, whatever the scenario or situation may be, this is so what this is we look to blame. We want someone to blame because our pain is so deep and so all encompassing. We don’t know what to do with it and so we just me personally I just filled with anger and rage. Eating me from the inside out. Literally just eating away and chipping away at my sense of self where I became just so disconnected.
Victoria Volk
00:17:54 – 00:18:22
I can look back in my life, like, it’s like little flashes or glimpses here and there, but my memory is so choppy because it wasn’t I was so often in that state of fight or flight. And I was not coping well. Not internally. Perhaps on the outside, I was told recently that they this person said I had no idea you were you went through all that you went through. This is where people say, well, children are resilient.
Victoria Volk
00:18:23 – 00:18:31
Are they? I absolutely hate that saying. Children are resilient. I absolutely hate it. Children are perceived as resilient.
Victoria Volk
00:18:32 – 00:19:08
So if you know of a child in your life who has experienced a devastating loss. And I don’t care if it’s their pet. Just think about what I’ve just shared in the last few minutes here. Because a child can exhibit that they are okay when really they’re not. But the only way you’re gonna know is if you allow yourself to go into the uncomfortable places within yourself where you can feel comfortable sharing, because it will take you as the adult to share first for a child to open up and share.
Victoria Volk
00:19:09 – 00:19:29
There are children that will, will open up and easily express through creative arts, through play. And that’s great. If that’s a gateway for you to open up a conversation, that’s great. But know that to create a space of safety for a child, you have to go first.
Victoria Volk
00:19:29 – 00:20:04
Just like you wouldn’t just approach another adult in your life and just ask them 50,000,000 questions and expect that they’re just gonna open up and share. Children are the same. It’s like you need a sense of safety and trust and security first before you’re gonna spill your beans, you know? But I’m getting kind of off track here to what I wanted to say about the loss of faith. And that was the case for me for many years because I did blame God.
Victoria Volk
00:20:04 – 00:20:15
And grief challenges our faith on so many levels. It challenges our spirituality. What is the meaning of life? Why am I here? What’s my purpose?
Victoria Volk
00:20:15 – 00:20:43
What it what can’t I explain? Why did this happen? But spirituality and tuning into ourself, connecting with ourselves, it helps us to understand and accept, I think, that there are just things that we just will never know the answer to and to allow that to be okay. I still don’t know why my dad died at the age of 44. And people will say, well, it’s it is what it is.
Victoria Volk
00:20:43 – 00:21:13
That’s just the part of life. Death is just a part of life. And I’ll tell you, I know people who have said that. And what I can connect though to the people who have said that, is they have yet to have their life completely upended. And so that is what I will say is the gift in grief, is an immense deep well of compassion, not only for myself, but for others who have had their life completely upended.
Victoria Volk
00:21:13 – 00:21:34
And this is an aspect, I wanna share that it’s important for you to think about who you’re taking your advice from. Who are you holding within your circle to hold space for you. Not everybody can do that. Not everybody is emotionally available to do that because they’re in the middle of their own shit storm, and to let that be okay. Not to blame.
Victoria Volk
00:21:35 – 00:21:47
Not to hold resentment. Everything starts from the top up in your life. And at the very top is you. Shit trickles down, my friend. That’s how it is in the military.
Victoria Volk
00:21:47 – 00:22:09
That’s how it is in Corporations. If you have a leader that is not leading that trickles down and so the common denominator in your grief story is you. And so everything that happens in your life and the choices that you make, all originate with you. And so today and moving forward on this Ash Wednesday.
Victoria Volk
00:22:10 – 00:22:40
I wanna remind you that you are dust, and to dust, you will return. We all will. What do you wanna do in your life and accomplish in your life before that happens. How do you wanna nurture the love within you, The relationship that you have with yourself before that happens. I wanna close today with a card I pulled from one of my oracle decks, postcards from spirit is what the deck is called.
Victoria Volk
00:22:40 – 00:23:05
Card I shuffled, and this random card fell out. I don’t think it’s random? It’s apparently the message that you, my listener, somewhere out there, needs to hear. But it reads, dearest you, we are gathering our magic together to help you celebrate your new beginning. You’re stepping into a new version of your life, getting to tell a new story as you recreate it.
Victoria Volk
00:23:05 – 00:23:50
Doesn’t it feel like spring when the urge to expand wells up inside you from a primal place? The form of what you are growing has yet to take shape, and it is exciting to experience this new and fresh beginning. It’s normal to feel both push and pushback when entering any kind of new relationship. It’s okay to admit you don’t really know what to expect. What you can know is it’s time to dive in and allow that new version of life to take shape through you on behalf of your partner and life Spirit, you have made it to a new level of awakening and contributing, and we are so excited to see where this will take you next.
Victoria Volk
00:23:50 – 00:24:14
We’re so proud of you. Well, friends, that concludes my riff for today. I hope it wasn’t too jumbled and my thoughts weren’t too scrambled and that you were able to glean something from something I said today, and that it serves you in your highest good. And until next time, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
