Emotions, Grieving Voices Podcast, Pespective, Podcast, solo episode |
The Gift and Grief of Self-Doubt
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Today’s episode is an example of the type of content that I enjoy sending within my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
I received lovely feedback on my last newsletter, which included a personal story about a time when I experienced self-doubt (and fear), so much so that it changed the trajectory of my life. Who knows where I would be today or who I would be spending my life with had I made a different decision?
We all experience life-altering moments and make life-altering decisions; however, our minds cannot even fathom the ramifications, consequences, or blessings of those decisions until later in life (sometimes decades later). And what if those moments or decisions were made from a place of self-doubt (and fear)? It’s a grief experience most of us can’t put our finger on unless we have cultivated some self-awareness.
There is definitely grief experienced as a result of self-doubt, but there are also gifts in doubt. Doubt leads us to ask questions and come up with better solutions.
Learn about my recent awareness and the dots I’ve connected in having Gate 63 (the Gate of Doubt) in my Human Design (as a 4/6 Emotional Manifestor). I hope you find it interesting enough to be initiated into wanting to learn your Human Design, too.
The more you know your grief and yourself, the less you look to others to tell you how you should show up in the world.
RESOURCES:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk: Hey Hey Hey, Hello, this is episode 160, and thank you for being here and for pushing play on this episode. And I wasn’t sure what I was actually going to talk about until about five minutes ago before I sat down to record. And I realized that instead of reinventing the wheel and pushing out more content that I would actually share something that I’ve already shared to my newsletter subscribers that I received some really great feedback about. And so I thought why am I creating more content when people seem to like this? And it also gives me an opportunity to and it inspired the idea really to give you a taste of what I talk about in my newsletter.
Victoria Volk: It is the place that I generally get a little bit more personal. I share a little bit more personal stories what’s currently going on in my life or in my business. Yeah. It’s kind of my little sacred space. And sometimes it can feel like I’m talking to the ether and no one’s listening. Sometimes, like, with this podcast too, but I can actually see the stats that people are listening in fact. But it’s kinda different with a newsletter like, you really don’t know what people think about it or I mean, I guess they let you know if they unsubscribe, which that happens. I mean, I’m not gonna be for everybody. Right? But and that’s okay. But I can see who opens them. Right? I can see that people are reading it. But I just don’t always know how it lands, like how people feel about what I’ve shared.
Victoria Volk: But this newsletter was a little different. And I thought I’m gonna share it because first of all, I think it’s a great story. I personally think it’s a great story. And it’s my story. And it’s a story that I really I don’t know that I’ve shared on social media at all. I don’t believe so. Maybe just like a sentence or something but I haven’t shared the story and related it to something I’ve been learning about myself that I’ve expressed on this podcast already which is human design. And I’ve just been having aha moments left and right and a lot of self-awareness based on my human design by graph. And so I will put the link in the show notes again for this episode. I think I put it in the last episode. If you’re curious about learning what your energy type is, such as mine, I’m a manifestor, or what your authority is, which is, either emotional or splenic or ego. I’m an emotional. Mine’s emotional. And then also what your strategy is, like mine is to inform and initiate, and manifestors here to inform and initiate, whereas, like, manifesting generators are here to respond and then inform. And there’s other different energy types and things like that. But if you’re curious at all, there’s so much free information out there. You can get your body graph and then just Google. Just go to the Googles and find all the rabbit holes because there are so many when it comes to human design. It can be very overwhelming. But I would just read about your energy type, read about your strategy and your authority, and just start there first and foremost.
Victoria Volk: And and then also, like, what your I forget what they’re called like, your lines, like, I’m a four six. I think that’s also important to read upfront and get an understanding of. But to my story now, in why I wanted to share this or why I shared it in my newsletter is because I have a gate of doubt and you’ll I’m gonna read basically. I’m gonna read my newsletter because why reinvent the wheel again. But and because I received great feedback on this, I’m just going to read the newsletter and if it resonates with you, maybe it’s something that you wish to sign up to receive on the regular. It’s something I send out biweekly. It’s not weekly. It’s not daily. I don’t spam you with salesy stuff. It’s just a place, my sacred space, where I go to share some deeper thoughts. Really? That’s really what I do. And then some funzy things I put in there too.
Victoria Volk: So today is a story about doubt and there is a great gift in grief when it comes to self-doubt. After graduating high school, I was to attend a four-year college for a degree in clinical lab science. However, as quickly as I moved in, just as quickly I moved out, self-doubt roared in my head so much so that I drove around the city while smoking cigarettes and I didn’t even smoke. So, lo and behold, when I came to my human design and I’ve been learning about this stuff that I’m a four-six emotional manifest and that I have gate sixty three, the gate of doubt. I also realized I have gate sixty-four, the gate of confusion.
Victoria Volk: So no wonder I was paralyzed with fear at that time because gate sixty-three, the gate of doubt, is also a hanging gate for me and I’m not gonna go into a whole explanation of that, but meaning I don’t have the opposite gate, which is gate four. The gate of answers. So I’m someone that is always seeking the answers. But the thing is with this gate of doubt, in not having the gate of answer, like, I just have to trust. I have to trust that the answer will come when it’s supposed to come.
Victoria Volk: So do you see the conundrum I was in to add insult to injury, the motivation of a manifestor energy type coincidentally, which really is not a coincidence at all, is fear. And so no wonder I packed my bag so fast. What I know to be true now is that I would have had everything within me to achieve that bachelor’s degree. If I only trusted myself and could have had the wisdom to tune into my inner knowing with my defined heart or ego center, which is all about willpower and courage. And also my defined spleen center, which is also about intuition and the place of fear. And my defined solar plexus, which is our emotional center, where I could have taken a breath, stepped back from the decision, and from the situation, got into a neutral, emotional state instead of making a decision based solely on fear. My doubt and my fear got the best of me in that situation, and many others throughout my life. And that’s the thing about life. It will keep dishing out lessons until we learn them. Hence, history repeats itself until we get it. Really get it.
Victoria Volk: I suppose you probably have experiences of doubt and fear where the Voices of fear and doubt were the loudest in your head. It may be interesting for you to learn how those have been expressed through the lens of your human design. I just think it’s all fascinating. But the gate of doubt is skeptical. And questioning, and it seeks proof. So to protect ourselves, those of us with this gate we look for evidence with this gate. Usually, it supports how we failed in some way. And this gate explains why I’ve always been my worst critic. And also why trust of myself and others has never come easily. My mind has been completely blown just by this one awareness, all alone like, just this gate this gate explanation within my human design, like, explains why I packed my bags? Why I didn’t even give myself a chance? And it’s been a theme throughout my life.
Victoria Volk: But here’s the thing, doubt isn’t all bad though. It has been a growth catalyst for me. As has fear, once I started aligning with my intuition and my will. So in the garden of critical thinking, doubt can be likened to a seed. Cultivated with care and nurtured over time, it can sprout into a healthy thriving tree of wisdom.
Victoria Volk: And today, as I’m talking about this concept of these seeds of doubt that we can experience in life, these small, persistent questions aren’t encouragement to us to a question and explore and ultimately learn and grow. I mean, I can tell you I learned a lot in all of those situations where I let fear and self-doubt get the best of me. But doubt is often misunderstood as a negative force. I mean, we really think of doubt as this bad thing. Right? And that it’s something to be avoided at all costs. However, it is, in fact, a fundamental aspect of human nature and a powerful tool for intellectual and personal growth.
Victoria Volk: Doubt catalyzes curiosity and critical thinking and we can open new doors to ideas and discoveries when we allow ourselves to quest in the status quo. It’s interesting too, like, there was I can’t remember what the quiz was. It was some personality thing, and it said that I was the questioner. No. It’s fitting. Right? Like, I’ve taken so many different personality tests and there’s, like, different pieces they all fit together. Like, there’s a common theme with all of them. But seeds of doubt can be sown in various aspects of our lives from science and politics to personal relationships and like I’m talking about in self-reflection.
Victoria Volk: So here are a few ways you can intentionally plant these seeds. Well, you can question authority. Don’t blindly accept what authority figures tell you. Challenge assumptions ask for evidence and seek multiple perspectives before forming your own opinion. I’ve been known to do this and you can bet it’s most often met with resistance, which it most likely will. Because here’s the thing about being questioned. A lot of people don’t like to be questioned. Right? And so they take defense to that. They get offended if you question. But it’s for someone like me with the gate of doubt, it’s how I learned to process and under stand, the perspective of other people like, I want, I am seeking my own conclusion. I am seeking my own answer. So do you see we’re questioning or if I’m questioning, people can feel like I’m questioning them or I’m challenging them, but that’s really not the case. That’s where this gate of doubt has caused a lot of grief for me.
Victoria Volk: Self-reflection is something you can do regularly to examine your own beliefs and actions. Ask yourself why you hold certain views or make specific choices. Are they based on solid reasoning or merely tradition and habit? This is a huge component of the grief recovery work. And you can, I can’t even begin to tell you the skepticism that I had initially when I first came across grief recovery? I knew it was what I needed just based on what I was reading, but I personally went into it like I thought, this is something I knew I needed it, but I thought more importantly, I was thinking about how I could be of service, how I could help other people. So that was really the huge driver was, yes, I wanna help myself, but I think this will really help other me help me to help other people more.
Victoria Volk: So I went into it with some skepticism as to if it really would help me because I had been a griever at that point for nearly forty years. Well, not quite that long. Thirty-five years, something like that, and fortunately, my intuition was much stronger at that point and I had more self-awareness to make a more aligned decision. And choosing to do that. And despite the fear, I did it anyway. And everything in my life has changed since then, like, everything, literally, like, I feel like I have evolved, I have changed and evolved in ways that I don’t think would have happened that was a catalyst for me, for my growth. It’s why I’m a huge proponent of it.
Victoria Volk: Critical media consumption. So in today’s digital age, it’s easy to fall victim to misinformation. So cultivating a healthy skepticism towards online content, fact check and cross reference sources. I actually shared in this newsletter on that note. I shared a resource that I came across, it’s called fourteen forty and I’m just gonna make a note for myself here to add a link to it in the show notes because that is the best unbiased news I’ve come across in a long time. It it comes to your inbox, it’s daily, and it’s awesome. It’s a great way to not have to watch the news, but still be in the loop of what’s going on in the world. So I’ll link to that in the show notes.
Victoria Volk: Embracing uncertainty. It’s okay to not have all the answers. And this has been, like, I you know, this is for me, this has been a difficult thing, like, I need to find the answer. And in fact, it’s often a sign of intellectual honesty. Embrace your uncertainty as an opportunity to learn and explore. So when we’re cultivating doubt, once the seeds of doubt are planted and they require nurturing to grow into something meaningful, this is some things that we can do to flourish this tree of knowledge. You can do research, deep dive into topics that peak your curiosity, like for me it’s human design right now, seek out reliable sources, academic studies, and diverse perspectives to gain a comprehensive understanding. Engage in debate. Engaging in respectful discussions with others with different views can help sharpen your critical thinking skills. It also provides an opportunity to refine your arguments and consider alternative viewpoints. Stay open-minded. As you explore new ideas and perspectives, remain open to changing your mind. A flexible mind is a hallmark of intellectual growth.
Victoria Volk: And learn from doubt rather than fearing doubt, see it as an ally in your pursuit of knowledge. Doubt is the impetus for progress and innovation, driving us to seek better answers and solutions. In the garden of our minds, seeds of doubt are not pests to be eradicated, but rather precious gifts that when nurtured can lead to bountiful harvest of wisdom and understanding. By sowing these seeds intentionally, embracing uncertainty, and fostering a spirit of curiosity and critical thinking, we can cultivate a richer, more nuanced understanding of the world around us. And I’ll add end of ourselves.
Victoria Volk: So as you navigate the ever-changing landscape of information and ideas, remember that doubt is not the enemy, but a faithful companion on your journey toward enlightenment. Embrace, nurture, and watch as it blossoms into a garden of knowledge and wisdom that continues growing season after season. And I’ll add that the more you know your grief and yourself, the less you look to others to tell you how you should be showing up in the world. And by me learning about myself and you learning about yourself, whether it be through human design, whether it be through grief recovery work, energy healing work, the work that I offer or other modalities that you are curious about that may be able to support you, it’s just peeling back the onion. We’re just layer by layer uncovering and discovering who we are. And what we’re here for, and what we want to be doing, how we want to be showing up, and just learning about ourselves, making ourselves, less, less, I don’t know what the word is, unleashed from the past Right? I mean, this is really where the unleashed heart came to be is because this understanding that yes, my past is a part of me, but it doesn’t have to be my future. It doesn’t have to repeat itself. And how do we break these patterns of repetition of experiences? Because like I said, these lessons will continue time after time until we get them. It’s maybe part of the journey and it’s part of your human design of these things that you will go through, like, four, four, a four, six lines in the human design.
Victoria Volk: We have three phases of life. First, we’re like, just in it. We’re in the thick of it for the first thirty years. We’re having all these experiences. And then from thirty to fifty, it’s like we’re the observer. We’re seeing how these things play out in people other people’s lives were learning by observing. And then after fifty, fifty and older, we’re we’re on the roof. We come off the roof, I guess. Thirty to fifty, we’re on the roof, just observing. And fifty and older were off the roof and have all this wisdom behind us. So that’s in particular to the four six. So if any of this interests you and if anything that I said about the gate of doubt or any I could really talk about the other gates that I personally have and have how they’ve expressed themselves in my life, but this is a big one I think just because we doubt ourselves and our abilities and imagine the grief that causes us. Imagine the growth that that the growth the growth. Again talk. The growth that we stifle because of fear in that self-doubt.
Victoria Volk: So I think this is a very important area of grief to dive into and reflect on within ourselves. So I’ll ask you, what parts of your life have you experienced self-doubt? Have you had what have been your experiences of self-doubt? When have you let fear? Get the best of you. And moving forward, how do you want to change that perspective? Like, what are the questions that can help you come up with a better solution for when that feeling comes up again.
Victoria Volk: And that’s actually plays into my Youmap because one of my top five strengths is strategic. I strategically help other people come up with their own solutions. And with my strength of connectedness, I help them connect the dots from their past to their present to see how those patterns have repeated themselves. So I am seeing all of these things like, even Myers Briggs. Right? But that and that kind of assessment can be manipulated a little bit, but with Youmap and human design particular, I’m looking into how each of them are kind of playing into the other. It’s something I’m just gonna I’m just starting to explore and I’m curious about.
Victoria Volk: And so who knows where this curiosity and human design will lead me. But for the time being, I’m committedly immersed in learning about myself. I think what’s important for anyone who does work that I do in particular is especially with grief, which can be a very heavy area to work in. I mean, obviously, and it comes with a lot of responsibility, I feel. It’s important for me that I can make sense of myself and that I know myself as much as possible. Because that helps me serve others even better. And if I can connect things like self-doubt to stories that I have, that I can demonstrate and illustrate to my clients, people see themselves in other people’s stories. Right? Like, I just think it’s really important for any guide, mentor, leader, coach. I really don’t know what to label myself as, but I think it’s anyone that works in the capacity of one on one or group where there is an exchange of you know, if I’m giving feedback or I’m giving support for grief and or life coaching or whatever it is, I just think it’s really important for the the coach, the mentor, the leader, the guide, whatever, to know themselves and to understand themselves. I think it really helps to negate the risk of projection where I project my beliefs or my wounds. Right? My deep wounds onto other people. My values onto other people. Like, if you don’t know your values and you have that awareness about that, you can unwillingly and not intentionally, but people tend to give values based advice. Right? Like, For example, if I value success and I value money, I’m gonna give advice based on my value of success and money if someone’s coming to me with a question about money or about money. Right? Like, so I’m I’m gonna be like, yeah, take that risk. You know, if, you know, if I’m a if I’m a risk taker with money, or that’s how I made my money. You know what I mean?
Victoria Volk: So it’s really important for us to recognize ourselves first, to know ourselves so that we can be objective observers of other people in their lives, especially when we’re if you’re in a position like I am, where you’re supporting others like I am in grief or in their life. So that’s my two cents on that, but I hope this episode was enjoyable. I hope you found entertainment in my story. And if you did enjoy it, maybe you’ll feel inclined to sign up for my newsletter, which it’ll be coming out not tomorrow. When this episode goes live, but the following week. It’s every other Tuesday at Three AM Central Standard Time. I have a live a new episode goes live. So yeah, I hope you join me there.
Victoria Volk: And if you have any questions that I could answer on the podcast, I am always taking submissions. You can email me at [email protected] and just put question for podcasts in the subject line I can answer it you can be anonymous if you prefer.
Victoria Volk: I think that’s it. So I’ll put the link in the show notes for fourteen forty, the unbiased news in your inbox, the link for my newsletter. And for human design again, that’s right. I was gonna put that link in there too. So I hope this was helpful. If it was, I asked that you please share it or leave a five-star review or even some thoughts. It just takes a few moments of your time, and it really helps me to put a put some words in maybe a name. I don’t know. Sometimes people don’t use their name to a listener. Right? Because I don’t see who’s listening to this podcast. But, yeah, I can feel kind of lonely sometimes, when you’re putting out content and you just really don’t know what people are thinking about it. So if you love it, I would love to know. Inform me, please, because as a manifestor we do love to be informed as well. So with that being said, much loved to you today and have a beautiful rest of your week. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Emotions, Grieving Voices Guest, Mental Health, Mind/Body Wellness, Podcast, solo episode |
Navigating Tears Through Changes and Transitions
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Changes and transitions are inevitable; we can’t stop the world from turning and time marching on. Our lived experience is filled with phases and stages of life, and through those phases and stages, we are given the opportunity to grow through the changes and transitions that change us.
In today’s episode, I share several examples of the changes and transitions that I’ve gone through throughout my life. We often don’t think of going from dating to married life or becoming a parent as having loss experiences woven in. However, because we are in a relationship with others through these changes, and many others that I mention, it’s impossible not to experience some loss and grief as we navigate the tears that often come with those changes and transitions.
One of the definitions of grief that the Grief Recovery Institute shares is that grief is a change to, or end of, a familiar pattern of behavior. If we think about how our lives hum along day after day, and we do relatively the same things day after day with the same people, when that suddenly changes or ends — surely you will have some feelings around those changes, right?
Explore some of the common changes and transitions I address that you may have also experienced or reflect on some more that aren’t mentioned today. Toward the end of the episode, I offer up an invitation of things to keep in mind as you navigate the tears of whatever change or transition you’re experiencing. And know, too, that you are not alone in your experience! We are all grieving something (or someone)!
RESOURCES:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk: Hello. Hello. Thank you for tuning in to this episode of Grieving Voices, episode one fifty-nine already. It’s crazy to think that yeah One fifty-nine. I’m on my fourth year of doing this podcast and it’s been one of the joys of my life really to have this space to use my throat chakra. And to share what I’m learning, what I’ve learned throughout the years about grief, and to inform which plays into my human design which I’m diving deep into as of late, as a manifestor energy type. Shout out to all my fellow manifestors. If you are familiar with human design, and if you do follow human design or you know you’re a human design, I am an emotional four six. Fine. So six, meaning I’m here to tell stories, I guess. From what I’m learning. It is why I use my own personal experience to share my insights and what I’ve learned. I draw from my personal experience. And today, that is actually part of today’s episode. Where I’m going to be talking about changes and transitions and navigating the tiers through all of that. I’ve been through a lot of changes in transitions over the years and throughout my life as many of you listening probably have as well.
Victoria Volk: And so today is actually an episode two to highlight some of those grief experiences that really aren’t thought of as grief. Too often in conversation, like, when we talk about these things, we’re not talking. We rarely use the word “grief” or we rarely use the word “loss” when we’re talking about these things. But I thought it was important enough to share some of these things that I just was taking notes before I recorded in the last few days, I’ve been jotting down notes, things that I felt were important to share with you today. And I will try to be concise, and I’m sure I’ll be going round and round and some parts of this podcast episode, but my hope is that by the end of this episode, you will recognize some experiences in your life as grief experiences, as moments of loss that you may not have thought of before.
Victoria Volk: And so one of the first things that comes to my mind is just recently we moved our first child, our first born to college. And that’s a huge transition. It’s a huge change for any family because when you’ve been a family unit for eighteen years and all of a sudden one of your pop sleeves the nest or birds. Birds leave the nest. One of your birds leaves the nest. Or one of your pup sleeves the pack, I should say. It can be a little like a roller coaster. It can feel exciting and it can feel like a joyful time of growth and freedom for both. As the kids start to leave the house, you as the parents, have a different chapter of life to look forward to. All of a sudden, you have freedoms that you may not have had before. Right? You have more time to do things you enjoy. And more free time. Right? Because you’re not chasing to one activity to the next and although if your child plays sports in college and you’re probably chasing after those things, but it’s still a change because there’s that empty chair at the table. We eat as a family and that’s kind of a time where we reconnect. And especially when all three kids were at home and doing different sports and things, certain parts of the year, the school year in particular, there wasn’t a lot of meal time together and I recognize that more so probably this last year when all three of my kids were working jobs in addition to school and things.
Victoria Volk: So I guess I’ve had a little practice in getting used to this change that was coming just with the fact that we weren’t always together as a family in this past year. And it didn’t hit me until we got home. I didn’t cry graduation. I didn’t cry after graduation, I didn’t cry on the way up to the college. I didn’t cry on the way home from the college. It hit me in the evening and the next day in particular, waking up and realizing that my son’s not in his bed downstairs and, yes, he’s, maybe ninety miles away, which isn’t too far. And I can go visit him anytime. I want to and he can come home. It’s just different.
Victoria Volk: It’s not you know, and people might say, oh, they’ll be fine and oh, you can go visit. They’re not that far away. And kinda be dismissive about how you’re feeling. And that’s not fair, is he going to be okay? Yes. I most certainly know he’ll be okay just like you probably know your child will be okay after, if you did the same thing as I did and moved your child to college, but that’s not the question. I’m not questioning if he’ll be okay. What I’m feeling is deeper than that. It’s this knowing that things will be different from here on out. It’s the knowing that he is now an adult on his own. It is knowing that I don’t know what he’s really thinking or feeling. I can’t see him or his face or his mannerisms or his behavior when it changes. If something, it’s like when your kid is living in under your roof and in your home, you get a sense of their emotional state from day to day. You don’t get that once they leave. You don’t get that sense of okayness. Like, I know he’ll be okay in terms of, like, he’s got a good head on his shoulders and I trust that he’ll make good decisions, but it’s a different kind of mother instinct, I suppose, this mother feeling, I feel that, I want to know in my heart that emotionally he’s okay. I think that’s what it is for me. Because I am such a feeler. I am an emotional energy. Anyway, I feel very deeply and So I just it’s I think that’s where that’s coming from. And just the change. Right?
Victoria Volk: The impact it has on me and that it probably has on him because he’s now away from his pack. I can’t just because a child goes off to college doesn’t mean that they’ve craved this independence and they’ve craved this aloneness. Although that may be true, it’s still also true or can be true that they will miss their siblings, that they will miss their family pet, that they will miss their bed, that they will miss the consistency of having that safety and security of being home. So it goes far deeper than well, they’ll be okay. You can see him anytime. That’s not where I’m coming from as I’ve just shared with you.
Victoria Volk: And so many of you can maybe relate to that experience of dropping your first kid off at college. Right? And what I will also add to that is that every relationship is different and unique. So maybe the people that say that don’t have as close of a relationship with their child because every relationship is different. My son and I really didn’t get close until after he had his accident. And before that, actually, I was feeling of some sadness around, how our relationship was struggling a bit. We both had this. He was sixteen and struggling for his independence. And we were pretty strict. I mean, we weren’t we had rules and it wasn’t to control. It was because nothing good happens after midnight. My friends, like, nothing good happens after midnight. And so we did have rules and things and still do. But our relationship was not near what it is now. And I think it’s because of everything that he went through, he realized how good he had it, and he realized how loved he is. And how blessed he is just as we did. Like, wow we are so lucky that accident didn’t go a different way.
Victoria Volk: And there’s previous podcast episode about that. I can try and find it and link to it in the show notes, but it was a really difficult challenging time for our family and I think we all learned a lot from that experience, but it was that experience. I think that was the catalyst for bringing us closer as a family. And so to have that and to feel that so strongly and then for it to be gone, not gone, like, of course, we’re still gonna be close and I still feel like we are. It’s just different. It’s just different. It’s a transition and it’s going to take time to recalibrate our family dynamic and to recalibrate moving forward as four people living in the household instead of five because he did bring a lot to our home.
Victoria Volk: And we just you don’t get that sense on a day to day like you did, like we did before. And so what grief is is the change of familiar pattern of behavior, and so there is a lot of change that comes with your kid going off to college. Now let’s say your kid didn’t go off to college and you might be feeling this failure or this pressure from society. The child might be feeling this pressure and things from society that, oh, I should be going to college or I should be doing this. And parents might feel like, well, their child should be moving out of the house or what have you? Like, there’s all these societal norms that we project and expect other people to follow these specific set of rules, like, well, you go to school for twelve years, you graduate, you go to college for four or two and you get married and you have kids. Like, that’s those are the societal rules. Right?
Victoria Volk: And I’ll just want to share with the parents whose child maybe has not chosen the path of college. For whatever reason, it doesn’t matter the reason that they’re not less worthy or they’re not less smart or what have you and you’re not less of a parent because your child is not choosing college. I went to college, I started college, I did not finish. And does that make me not as intelligent as someone who did or went and got there bachelors, master’s, doctorate? Like, we all have our gifts. We all have our strengths. And it doesn’t take a degree to develop those. In fact, a lot of our skills and our strengths are developed because of life experience, which you can’t get from a degree. Right?
Victoria Volk: I’m a huge proponent of education, of course. But in this day and age, there are so many means of learning that I don’t think there is one specific way. And I’m just gonna plug Youmap here for a moment because I had my son go through his I had my son do the Youmap and it turned out that a hunch that I had was accurate and healthcare was a good fit based on his Youmap, based on his strengths and his themes of mostly thinking themes and that is what he’s going to college for nursing. And he did become a certified nursing assistant, for college, and he was loving that work.
Victoria Volk: And so I just wanna plug any college bound kids or kids that are contemplating college or maybe not contemplating college and just wanna go into the workforce to check into Youmap, and maybe parents listening to this, if you have a child who is unsure what they want to do, to check into their Youmap. And for those that might be thinking, well, a piece of this a Youmap is not gonna tell someone what they should do for the rest of their lives.
Victoria Volk: And I’ll tell you that it’s not a document to tell you what to do with the rest of your life, but it is a place to start where you are right now? Because like I said, your strengths change over time with experience. It is knowledge that will evolve and grow and change with you. You want to take your Youmap every few years. So once you’ve but the thing is that doesn’t change, what doesn’t change? Is your personality, like how you’re wired. And that is actually taken to account for the whole Youmap. So there are very key components of it that really won’t change. And I just wanna encourage you guys to check into it. If you are feeling a little lost in your life, which often happens when we are going through a phase of transition or change. We can feel a little lost.
Victoria Volk: A thing to consider is with the change and transition of child leaving the nest is honoring boundaries. One of the things that I’ve been educated on by my son is boundaries. And boundaries are two sided. Right? It’s not just the boundaries that I have. It’s the boundaries that he has in place. And I just so happened to send a text that was too long. He said, I don’t wanna read a novel between classes. And I said, well I was just trying to find out, I was trying to actually organize when I was gonna stop in the next time I go to see him between his classes. And I had all sorts of things I was trying to work around for schedule wise and so I put it in a text and he’s like you could have just said, call me when you get a chance. And you said, and I said, you know what? You’re right. I’ll do that next time. Keep it short and sweet is his boundary. So dutally noted, I will keep my text messages short and sweet and just say call me when you get a chance if I have more I need to talk out.
Victoria Volk: But honoring that this is his time. To find himself. This is his time to have the full college experience that I do want him to have and not be worried about, oh, I gotta text mom back or I gotta call mom back or I gotta make sure she’s okay. Like, I’m okay. I’m okay. I don’t need him to assure me that I’m okay. But will I text him every night and tell him good night I love you? Yes, I will, even if he doesn’t respond. And that’s just me needing to inform him of the thing that I said to him every single night since the day he was born. So that will not change. And I don’t care if he doesn’t respond, I will still tell him that I love him and wish him a good night.
Victoria Volk: The other thing that came up recently was and synchronistically that I wanna talk about in as it relates to changes in transition, is holding onto our youth. And moving your son to college it does cause me to reflect on my life and the time that I went to my college dorm and moved in and then moved out that same weekend because I freaked out because I was financially scared. I had a really overwhelming fear of debt. And later, I didn’t end up going to college for a year and a half, and then I was deployed with the military, and so that’s where that came to a close. But It caused me to reflect on my youth. Right? And my college experience that I didn’t get right? Because by the time I did go to college, I was in a little bit older adult.
Victoria Volk: And one thing I heard the other day and it’s really struck me and I’ll just share it. It’s a quote. And it was, it goes like this, “Everyone gets to be young, but not everyone gets to grow old.” “Everyone gets to be young, but not everyone gets to grow old.” And think about that the next time you have a birthday coming up. Maybe it’s your fortieth. Maybe it’s your thirtieth, fiftieth, one of those milestone-type birthdays that people make a big deal of. I did when I turned forty, like, oh my gosh. I’m forty, I’m like, half dead. I think I got one foot in the grave. We can be so dramatic about getting older. And here’s me. Like, I’m just wishing gosh. I wish I had this wisdom when I was eighteen. I wish I had this wisdom when I was my son’s age. I wish I had the wisdom I have now at eighteen.
Victoria Volk: And there’s that transition too of a parent than becoming a grandparent. That’s another transition that we get that we receive with age. If we’re so blessed to be a grandparent. Right? Not everybody gets that opportunity. So just like everyone gets doesn’t get the opportunity to grow old, not everyone gets the opportunity to be a grandparent. That’s a blessing to see your children have children. Like, not everyone gets that. And so if we focused on those things instead of the extra wrinkle we have, or the saggy skin or the, the breasts finding their way south, whatever it is. The lack of stamina, less energy, these things that can happen as we age. It just highlights the importance of self-care even more so that we can enjoy those things so that we can look forward to those things and feel vitality and joy instead of the pain in the back and the crook in the neck in the, what was me of aging? That so many people experience because they haven’t taken care of themselves.
Victoria Volk: Another thing you may not have thought of a transition or a change is going from being single to married. Some people might feel a loss of self or be fearful of feeling a loss of self. Oftentimes when people become married, they have to move. That comes along with grief experiences. It could if you’re in a neighborhood you love, or you had a job that you loved that moved you and you had to move. And then you lost your job too or you had to change careers or jobs because of a move. My husband moved for me, but I told him, I moved for one guy. I’m not moving for another. So he moved to be near me. And that was a sacrifice and a choice that he made. But I had a very clear boundary around that. Like, I did this ones before. I’m not doing that again. A lot goes into when you go from being single to married or dating to married. That’s a lot of change. It’s a lot of transition. And again, I think it comes down to honoring the boundaries that are two-sided.
Victoria Volk: And I’ll actually have a list of things to keep in mind. In any change or transition, but that’s one that keeps coming up as I’m talking here is the boundaries thing. And boundaries can be taken as a negative connotation, but boundaries are really I mean, they don’t have to be like, set in stone, like, verbal. I mean, it can be an energetic boundary too. Right? Like, just a way to protect your peace. It doesn’t have to be this negative thing that you impose on people. It’s honoring your peace, really.
Victoria Volk: Circling back to the so societal norms. Right? So you go from being single to dating to married, and now you have kids, well, now your new parents, oh my gosh, that’s a huge transition and a huge change. Not to mention, like, as a female, like, a woman, like all these hormonal changes, it’s so overwhelming. I just remember like, oh my god. How do people do this? And what I’m learning too with my energy type as a manifestor and having all three of my kids being manifesting generators like no wonder I was exhausted. Like they had energy to no end. And that’s not me. That is not me. Like, motherhood when they were little was, like, absolutely draining on me. And so when I started my business, it was I think out of survival of my sanity because I needed an outlet. I needed something that lit me up because parenting only drained me when they were little, drained my energy.
Victoria Volk: It wasn’t and the previous episode I recorded on this was how motherhood wasn’t necessarily the most fulfilling thing to me when my kids were younger. And I felt a lot of guilt and shame around that. So if you’re interested in that episode, that’s the one before this one. I mean, these are just few examples that I have been going through about change and transition and the grief that comes with it. So moving job change, I kind of mention that with relationships. Is often when that happens or once you become a family, the children are supposed to start school. You wanna put some roots down somewhere so they can get into a school system that, is the best fit for them or whatever the case may be. And with that, with a move or with a job change, I’ll plug Youmap again because if you’re feeling lost in that space of well, that wasn’t for me like, because all these experiences. They’re clarifying. What do I really desire? What is this showing me? What is this telling me? What do I need to learn here? Because if you’re feeling anger, if you’re feeling frustration, if you’re feeling those types of emotions, those are indicators that something isn’t right. You’re not in alignment, energetically, with yourself.
Victoria Volk: So what needs to change? And oftentimes with careers and jobs, that’s a very common experience is that if we are not in alignment with what we’re doing and spending most of our time doing that can create a lot of grief for us. A lot of people can experience loss of their loved ones, significant other, their spouse. And with that, you might come a new love into the picture. Someone another person you wanna share your life with. And depending on the phase of your life, like was, are you a young widow or widower? Or are you in your forties or older? Like, all of these things they influence how you might respond to the loss. If you have adult children, your spouse passed away of adult children. You’ll probably handle things. You will handle things much differently than if you had teenagers or younger children. So that’s a huge transition transition and change for the entire family. For the kids, whether they’re adults or young children, going from being in the office in your career job to being fully remote. A lot of corporations went fully remote. What is the impact on the social connection and support that employees feel in the workplace? I mean, we’re some for some people that was their only connection to the outside world. Let’s say you have a very small family unit, and your family unit lives two thousand miles away. And you’re living somewhere where you go into the office every day. And then all of a sudden, you’re not going into the office. You’re stuck in your apartment or are you stuck at home? You went fully remote or even hybrid. Hybrid is a little bit better for some people. Because especially those who, like, for example, I’m saying, who don’t have a lot of support system around them? So maybe that’s the only place where people might have connection and support or feel that in their lives. That’s an unfortunate place to be in. And so how can you widen that circle and expand and find your people.
Victoria Volk: And again, I mean, we can come back to the Youmap on that because I’ve actually given clients ideas on where to find expand on their interests to widen their circle of support. Because especially with COVID, I’ve had clients who’ve lost friends through that experience, whether the person died or it was a conflict of beliefs, which brings me to loss of friendships, and relationships, how we outgrow people, which is possible, like we can outgrow people, we have those relationships that may have just taken their course. Like, they’ve fully just ran their course and it is what it is. And if you were in close relationship with a friend and that ended that’s a hard loss too. Like for so many people, friendships are some of the most sensitive heartbreaking losses for some people. And so, yeah, we don’t think of those relationships necessarily all the time either when it comes to grief and loss. Everything has its season. Right? And so that brings me to seasons.
Victoria Volk: Some people have a really difficult time with the changing of seasons. You know, just like all these changes and transitions will have their seasons of ups and downs we have nature that reflects back to us, that nature itself has its ups and downs. It has this energetic thrusting of life to this polar opposite dormancy, especially where I live. We are in the darkness, most of our days are dark six months out of the year. When winter comes, it’s dark by five thirty PM until probably eight AM the next day. We have a lot less light. I didn’t realize how affected I was by the changing of the seasons until probably five, six years ago when I got a sad light, seasonal effective disorder light, I had to use that religiously for the first two years, like, to help me, like, when I know when I need it, I can feel it when I need it. It’s like, there’s something psychological too. I’m sure there’s a psychological component, because we need sunlight. Sunlight is our life-giving force. It’s our energy source for all life.
Victoria Volk: And so when that greatly decreases, we can experience these effects, these impact of that. I just wanna mention things to keep in mind through changes and transitions like these. As I’m thinking about wrapping this episode up. And there’s so many more. Like, if I would’ve taking more time to really think about reflect on my life, I would probably would have thought many thought of many more different changes and transitions over the years. But some things I want you to keep in mind when you’re thinking about things like this or you think of something new that you’ve experienced is that your response is up to you. It doesn’t it’s not up to anybody else. How do you wanna view the changes in transitions that you experience in your life? And your level of awareness is up to you as well. This is where emotional intelligence can play a role and how we build that is through our self-awareness. How do we become more self-aware? We pause and reflect.
Victoria Volk: So I encourage you as you’re going through a significant change or transition to pause and reflect on how you’re feeling, like checking in with yourself on how you’re feeling, how you’re doing, what your level of awareness is? Maybe try and put yourself in the shoes of those around you. Like, what is the impact I may be having with those around me as I go through this change or transition, like how am I projecting anything onto others? What do I need? Like, what are what are some of my needs as I go through this change and transition? And the things that are out of your hands need to be out of your mind. And I know that’s easier and said and done, but we only have so much mental real estate. And I have to remind myself often that if it’s out of my hands, I need to let it out of my mind. I am not doing myself any favors by bringing it to bed with me and ruminating and stewing on it. Write it out, talk it out, get it out in some way, let it out, let it go. Don’t let it take up mental real estate because you can’t let anything new if you’re bogging up your mind with shit that you can’t control. And that probably won’t matter in five days or five years. And the last thing is boundaries are two-sided, and I know I mentioned that a few times throughout this episode, but it bears repeating again that boundaries are two-sided. It’s not just your boundaries. Other people have boundaries too. And so where can you compromise? Do you need to compromise? Like what are the things you will not compromise on? Again, that comes back to what are your needs? What are your wants? And then picking your battles along the way.
Victoria Volk: I don’t know if you know this, but on my website, there is a link to I wrote a book. I self-published a book in twenty seventeen. It’s called “The guided heart moving through grief and finding spiritual solace.” And in a hundred and fifty-nine episodes, I think this is the maybe first or second time I’ve even mentioned my book. That book was written as I was reflecting on the changes and transition of closing my business and of my youngest going to kindergarten and just all of this spiritual stuff I was kind of experiencing and going through this a lot of growth was happening as I was writing that book. And so that book is really the stuff that I had been leaning on and leaning into for my own personal work and development, and healing. And so if I were to write a book today, which is brewing. It would be a very different book. Right? Because I’m in a very different phase of my life right now. And that is my intention to write another book. But I just wanted to share that with you that we will continue to have changes and transitions in our life because we can’t stop life from happening. My kids are gonna continue to get older. They’re gonna continue to move on with their lives. I’m going to continue to get older. Did I mention that already? Like, we can’t stop the age bus for ourselves or our kids. And just today, I’m just leaning into that message of not everyone gets to grow old and how blessed will I be if I get to. And so what do I want that time to be between the dash for me. I think there’s a poem between the dash. I’m gonna have to look that up. It’s a really moving poem about this one shot at life that we all get. And what do you want to put in that dash. What do you want your life to be made up of from the day you were born till the day you die? Because inevitably, it’s going to be filled with tears and transitions and changes.
Victoria Volk: And so if you need support as you navigate these things that will just can that will inevitably happen in your life, I do offer a in case you don’t know this either, I do offer a heart with ears session. It’s a one-off session or maybe two to just kinda talk through maybe a challenge or transition that you’re going through and you aren’t sure, you just need someone to talk it out. And to reflect back to you, something you can’t see yourself because we can’t see the inside of the jar of our own lives pretty much. So it’s helpful to have an outside perspective, someone who doesn’t even really know you. Who has nothing invested in your life and in your story. Right? Because it’s really hard for us to be biased unbiased rather. It’s really hard for us to be unbiased when the people we love are seeking our advice or counsel because we love this person or we’re close to this person or we’ve got some skin in their game. So that’s the benefit of talking with someone who is completely unrelated and doesn’t know you is that, I don’t have any skin in your game. So I’m gonna be completely honest with you. And so that’s something that I offer. It’s called a heart with ears. I can put a link to that in the show notes as well.
Victoria Volk: But yeah, yeah. Navigating tears through changes and transitions. Life is such a ride, isn’t it? I send you the biggest hug, lots of love today as you navigate, whatever change and transition you are going through. And I implore you to remember when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Emotions, Grieving Voices Podcast, Mental Health, Parenting, Pespective, Podcast, Q&A |
Q&A | Why Do I Struggle In Friendships and Find Parenting Unfulfilling?
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
In today’s episode, I share an a-ha realization with you: a question I’ve wondered about myself for the past eighteen years.
I answer my own question in today’s episode regarding relationships with friends, my kids, and myself.
An important aspect of growth is self-awareness. Sometimes, we need to hear the right thing at the right time, unlocking an a-ha moment we’ve been waiting to receive. Those a-ha moments can shift our perspective or even possibly change the trajectory of our entire lives.
The best way to put ourselves in the way of a-ha moments is by diving into self-awareness, utilizing tools, and seeking out connections with others who can reflect what we can’t see for ourselves.
As you listen to this episode, maybe you can relate, and if you do, I hope it’s the encouragement you need to explore the inner workings of your mind and heart, too.
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Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk: Good morning, good afternoon, or good evening, whatever time it is that you’re listening to this episode. Thank you for tuning in. And today, I have a bit of a different episode. It is a Q and A, but I’m pretty much going to be answering my own question that I’ve asked myself for eighteen years and that I essentially discovered the answer to just this week. And if you’re not familiar with human design, you may want to be If you’re into kind of a little bit of the woo woo, it’s kind of woo woo, but it’s really not. If you’re into astrology, things like that, this is information and data that can’t be manipulated or skewed because your birth date and your birth time and your birth place are unique to you. So with personality tests like Myers Briggs and things like that, you can easily manipulate the questions, right, to get a desired outcome.
Victoria Volk: On Myers Briggs, I am an INFP but I’m also a Pisces and so that makes a lot of sense to me. But human design is a little bit different in that it’s I’m not gonna get into all the explanatory things about it just because I’m no human design expert. I’m just sharing a pretty big aha moment that I had a realization that I had this week just based on what I’ve learned about my own human design. I originally came into human design, not through human design itself, but through another modality called Gene keys which is kind of uses a similarity of astrology and things like that as well, like human design, but I’m probably saying something wrong in this, description of gene keys, human design, all of that. Again, I’m no x spart, just take it with a grain of salt, do your own research.
Victoria Volk: But I would just If you’re curious, I’m gonna put a link in the show notes to where you can input your birth information and find out which of the four energy types you are. And I think there’s four. Right? Projector, Reflector, Generator, Manifesting Generator, and Manifestor. So there’s five. And I am a manifestor. Interestingly, my husband is also a manifestor, and all three of our children are manifesting generators.
Victoria Volk: No wonder why I was exhausted, raising children. Anyway, because as a manifestor, we have periods of rest. We need periods of rest. And this really this conversation does tie into what I do because this is all about our energy. It talks human design helps you understand where your energy is may be being taxed. It takes a little step further than even like the quiz that I offer on my website for free. We can go really deep with human design, really deep. And when I was first came across it, well over a year ago, almost two years ago, I believe it was. It felt so big to me. It seems so overwhelming. There’s so much to it.
Victoria Volk: The one thing I want to share with you today though is being a manifestor with an emotional authority, with a split definition. And again, these things probably don’t may not make any sense to you, but do your own research and you’ll understand what I’m talking about. But I’m a four-six opportunistic role model. So I’m a manifest emotional manifestor with lines four six.
Victoria Volk: What I’ve learned this week is that I listened to a podcast from that was that’s was started by another fellow manifestor. And aside from my husband, I don’t know of another manifestor. Now, again, I have ran the the body grafts of everybody I know. So there could be manifestors in my life that I’m just not aware of. That being said, this week, I’ve had so many awareness is about probably why my marriage works, why we’ve been able to celebrate twenty years this week. We get each other. We truly get each other. I think if I would have maybe married any other type other than maybe a projector because manifestors and projectors seem to get along beautifully. There could have been a lot of conflict that I would have experienced otherwise. What I’ve also realized is I’ve had relationships in the past, particularly friendships, particularly one friendship I was reflecting on just today as I was listening to another podcast episode about manifestors, is that as a manifestor we generally don’t need people. We don’t need relationships. However, we want relationships. And one of our core wounds as a manifestor is rejection. And so oftentimes, other people are drawn to the manifestor energy. And that can be to our detriment as a manifestor I’ve certainly experienced that myself. You don’t have to be a manifestor to for that to be your experience.
Victoria Volk: I think there’s there’s a lot of different aspects of the body graph of the human design that can influence those things, those experiences you have in your life. But when it comes, when I circle back to that friendship relationship that I previously mentioned, I realized that in listening to this podcast episode because what happens is because we don’t need people, we are rarely inspired by others. We as a manifestor are the initiators. We initiate other people. We initiate within ourselves. I don’t need someone else to initiate anything for me because as a manifestor, I do that on my own.
Victoria Volk: So this is what I mean And what I’ve learned when I say we don’t, as a manifestor, you don’t need other people. But we want relationships. Because we’re human and we desire connection and all of those things. But what happens is as if as a manifestor, you find yourself infatuated with someone else, which from what I’ve learned from this manifestor expert who provides trainings and things on human design. She had said that we early as manifestors, fan girl or fan boy, have fascination with other people. So when that happens, it’s really jarring to us. It’s really uncomfortable. Because that’s when we might have our wounds being exposed that fear of rejection. There’s four core wounds, and I that’s the only one I’m thinking of right now because that’s what I wanted to talk to you about, particularly as it relates to relationships in this aha moment I had.
Victoria Volk: But everything just came so clear to me today that in that relationship, that friendship that fell away, it was me I became I I I absolutely fell in love with this person’s personality. They inspired me I felt. Not infatuated, but just intoxicated by this person’s energy. Like, I was really drawn to this person’s energy which hadn’t happened before in a friendship like that since I’ve been in business. Like, that’s the first business other she’s in business. It was the first business friendship colleague that does healing work and things like that that I became enamored by her and all my shit came up. All of my core wounds came up and I sabotaged the friendship. I realize now the way my energy operated and how my wounds came up to teach me something.
Victoria Volk: I’ve done a lot of grief work and personal deep work since that friendship, like after that was around twenty eighteen. So it’s been several years, but just today, just this week, I’ve had this awareness of this is the pattern for me in friendships, certain friendships at times. Is that’s the shadow of working with your core wounds, and that’s what the human design can tell you. What those are and you can bring them to your awareness and you can have this clarity that makes you hop on a podcast to talk about it like I’m doing right now. Okay. So that’s friendships that’s just one aspect of human design that has blown the lid off of my awareness cap this week.
Victoria Volk: And the main topic and question that I mentioned in the very beginning that I haven’t even talked about yet, and I’m like, twelve minutes in is relates to parenting and parenting as a manifestor. And the same woman who started this manifestor podcast, it’s called, what is it called hunting for purpose. If you have not listened to it, if you are a manifesto, run, don’t walk. Listen to the podcast because I have had so many moments of clarity just listening to her because not only is she a manifests her. She’s also a four line four six just like me, and she also has the thirty five thirty six gate like I do, which is like the gate of, like, the first thirty years of your life, you’re gonna go through a lot of shit. And then from thirty to fifty years old, you’re gonna sit and ponder and reflect. And then from fifty on, you become this wise sage. So I’m I’m getting closer to that fifty in beyond, so I’m looking forward to that.
Victoria Volk: But anyway, she has because she shares so many similar qualities as myself, which a defined spleen as well. We both have. It’s almost as if when she speaks about herself as she is describing me. But she’s coming at it with so much more wisdom about human design that I can’t even like, my brain has been mush almost the sweet just because I’ve been having to do a lot of driving and so I’ve been listening to podcasts pretty much all day, every day. And this one thing that she talked about was motherhood as a manifestor. And yesterday, as she spoke about it. I felt myself getting emotional as a typical emotional manifestor would because I realized that what I was feeling, especially when I first had children and when they were younger, it’s become a lot easier now that they’ve gotten older, they’re more self-reliant. We’ve developed it’s just when you become when they become teenagers and they’re coming to their own. It’s I really feel like we’ve developed some really rich relationships. My children and I individually. And I say with so much gratitude, I have so much gratitude for the growth I’ve had in the last five years that have enabled me to develop those deeply rich relationships I currently have with my kids. And I’m getting emotional, as I say that. So I fiercely love my kids. And so what I’m about to say has really helped me release a lot of grief and grief a little yeah grief, guilt, shame. Because I wasn’t understanding my own energy. I didn’t understand myself.
Victoria Volk: Yesterday, she shared how she announced manifestors as mothers. Motherhood is not fulfilling for us. It’s not enough, and it will never be enough. And I felt a lot of guilt because I felt that way. I have felt that way. I could never just be a mom. I always had to be doing something else for myself, for me that was and I’ve spoken about and tidbits. Like, here and there, like photography starting my photography business was my creative outlet. But, really, tt’s because motherhood wasn’t fulfilling to me that was not enough and that brings up makes me remember another core wound of a manifestor as mediocrity. It’s this feeling of what am I going to leave? What’s gonna be my legacy? Like, not meeting my own potential? My own expectations for myself?
Victoria Volk: And we can I mean, expectations is a whole another episode, but that’s really been another key awareness for me this week? But I just wanted to leave you with this that I cannot stress enough the importance of understanding yourself and getting to know yourself on a level that you probably have never even given yourself the opportunity to explore. Because what I have released this week and what I have learned this week about myself just in my thoughts, just as just in reflecting it with my own thoughts. I feel I’ve grown exponentially as a mom, as a person just be having these things come into my awareness because now I can look at relationships moving forward and look at being a mother moving forward with an understanding of that’s just who I am and that’s okay. And that I’m enough.
Victoria Volk: Please check out your human design. If you’re the least bit curious and you can write it off, you can just like I did at first, like, oh, this is too much. It’s too overwhelming. I don’t have time for this. And it is a lot of in information. Trust me it is. But the website that I’m going to link to in the show notes, it’s has really great explain it. When you click on something or you hover over, it really explains it well. And you’re gonna be like, oh my god, this is this is totally me. This is totally me. But to have someone as another manifestor because only nine percent of the world are manifestors, and our world has been built by manifestors. Because manifestors are the initiators. It’s just been really fascinating to learn that. Yeah. It’s just been really fascinating week. Learning about myself.
Victoria Volk: So anyway, I don’t even really know what the question is this week that I should title this, but why should I care about getting to know myself? Here’s two reasons for you today. If you are a parent and you have relationships, because life happens in the context of relationships, and I can tell you with all the grievers I’ve worked with and the grief work that I’ve done personally myself we grieve in the context of relationships and that includes with ourselves the guilt and shame that we carry for various reasons and feeling misunderstood which many manifestors do. You’ve probably grown up feeling misunderstood.
Victoria Volk: In fact, I was just reflecting yesterday. I had to classmate actually right on my the back of a senior picture that was given to me that I was weird. That I was weird. My kids have told me that, you’re weird. You know, and people need no harm. This classmate meant no harm. It was his opinion, whatever. But I thought about that. I’ve been out of high school. Many years. So the things that stick with us. Right? I just felt so misunderstood. And that remark right there on the back of that picture just zoomed right in on why that’s true. Why that is true, why I felt that that was true. But now at the HIM. Older, wiser I guess, I’m gonna own my weird. I’ve started to own my weird in the last several years and my kids seem to love it. They love my weird and I’m happy about that. My husband seems to love my weird, but he’s weird too because they’re both manifestors because manifestors are kinda weird.
Victoria Volk: So anyway, you’re a manifestor? I see you. If you’re not a manifestor, I also see you because that’s one of the gift gifts of a manifestor as we see people for who they are. Because if there’s any energy type that is misunderstood, it is the manifestor.
Victoria Volk: Get to know yourself, my friends. It is the greatest gift that you can ever give yourself and those you love. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Emotions, Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast, Spirituality, Takeaways and Reflections |
Takeaways & Reflections | Spiritually Challenged: Releasing Anger & the Story
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
There are two camps of grievers; those who talk about their grief and share their stories and those who keep their grief and stories hidden.
Regardless of the camp, you find yourself in, there is one common denominator that is often present with most, if not all, grievers – anger.
There is a caveat to sharing your story, though. As we look for meaning in our experiences, including those that cause us grief, we can find ourselves repeating the story without ever getting into how the experience made us feel.
Depending on the grief experience, we may disassociate ourselves from those experiences, never feeling the feelings, and recite what happened when speaking our stories to others as if it were a recipe card. Repeating only the story does nothing to help us move forward in our lives — to move beyond the story.
Anger adds to the feeling of powerlessness over something that cannot be changed or undone. It can impact our spirituality, too. And, if we pay attention to when anger shows up for us, it informs us where our attention to the pain needs to be.
Over time, anger resulting from grief can chip away at our souls, our spirituality, and the essence of who we are. However, through Kim, Scott, and Christian’s stories, we learn how sitting in the emotional pain (and the anger) can be the fuel and the catalyst for change and growth.
If you are struggling with your grief, listen to this episode and then take a moment to reflect on your spirituality, anger, and the story you have lived.
What has your grief (and anger) been trying to tell you?
________
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A Little Update About My Son
I do just want to give a little update as to what’s been happening in my neck of the woods. If you’ve been listening for a while, you know that my son had an accident back in November of 2021. And it’s still an ongoing process, he’s still somewhat healing I was I say somewhat because technically, his pancreas is still necrotizing, which really means it’s dying. But in the process of the pancreas dying, he experiences vomiting from time to time still. And so we’re just watching it, and he will be having another CT or MRI coming up here in a few months. And so we will see where things stand at that time. So I just wanted to thank you for any good wishes that you’ve sent his way. And I will continue to keep you updated on that front.
Launching Another Program This Year
I have another piece of news for you if you follow me on Instagram, Facebook, or LinkedIn, you may have seen a couple of hints here and there or if you follow my newsletter if you have signed up for my newsletter, The unleashed letters, which is a bi-weekly newsletter I send every other Wednesday. If you follow there, too, you may have seen some rumblings of a launch that’s coming up. I will be starting a group program on November 30, 2022, and if you would like to stay in the know when of all the happenings with that and be the first to know when you can register. Sign up for my newsletter. That’s the easiest way to keep up to date.
The Imprint of Fear and Feeling Unwanted To Finding My Voice
Going back to Kimberly Bell’s episode, one of the things that I jotted down as I was that if we believe our stories and our experiences are so unique, that no one could possibly understand, we are setting ourselves up for more suffering and disappointment.
And what I mean by that is anyone truly going to understand what you’ve been through? Absolutely not. Because you are in your own story, you have lived that story, you have lived that experience, and no one else has. And so if we focus on that aspect of no one knowing what it was like because they weren’t there, that is true.
But at the same time, if that is our reason for not sharing with others, if that is what we are using as a way to shut ourselves down from connecting with others, or if we’re using that thought process or that belief, of say, belief, if we’re using that belief, and really believing that is to be true, then we are only becoming more disconnected from those around us. And we are only isolating ourselves more in our grief.
And I say this several times, throughout other podcasts or in my writings that we can get so stuck on the story that we will repeat our story of what happened, this happened to me, and then this happened. And then that happened. And then this happened as if we were almost just reciting a recipe or reading something someone else gave us. And it’s this.
And I think we do that because we’ve assigned certain meanings to what happened. And our minds just want to understand it, our minds want to logically understand what happened. And so this process of repeating the story, really only keeps us in the story. If we feel like we have to share the story with anyone who will listen, any chance we get, there’s a clue there, that there’s probably something unresolved. There is a difference between speaking your story to inspire, to connect, to help someone else maybe connect the dots of their story, or to highlight a turning point.
But if it’s reciting just what happened, this happened. And that happened, and this happened. And that happened. What good is that doing? Anybody, you relive it in your body? If you haven’t processed that story. If you haven’t fully processed the story, every time you repeat it, you’re living it in your body. Again, as you’re speaking your story you might feel might have a flashback, or you might have a feeling in your body, your heart rate might go up your blood pressure might increase you. You might have these physical responses to what you are speaking out loud. And how is that serving you? How is that helping you move forward?
And this is what we can see oftentimes in support groups, especially in-person support groups, which could be online to where there is no outlined action
or purpose for the group. If it’s just this open sharing of the story. You might leave feeling worse about yourself. Actually. You might feel worse leaving because you are taking in that other person’s story. You’re feeling something so heavy of someone else shared.
There is no hierarchy of grief. There is no loss or experience that anyone can say is worse than this or worse than that.
There are certain losses we can’t even fathom experiencing. But there is no hierarchy of grief because we all grieve at 100% regardless of what the loss was. I just want to encourage you that to challenge that belief that no one could ever possibly understand. Because to receive compassion and empathy from another griever, or from another person who’s experienced loss, can do so much for the soul, can do so much for the griever’s heart.
And so if we come into the conversation, or to the room, or to the group, or wherever you’re going into, and you’re sharing your story, or you’re afraid to share your story, just remember that your grief is worthy of being honored and heard. But if you’re repeating the story, and it’s not moving you forward, you haven’t been moving forward, there’s something to dig into there.
Facing The Challenges in Our Life
Let’s skip the surface-level recipe card of all the crap that you’ve experienced. Let’s get deeper than that. Let’s go beyond that. How did that change you? How did that shape your life today? How is that changing you now? Talk about that stuff, the meat, and the juice, that is the experience of life, that is life. Because this stuff will constantly be popping up in and out of our lives we’ll always be experiencing loss and will always be having these experiences that shape us and challenge us. Some might be deeply wounding and others might just sting a little. But regardless, let’s go deep into these conversations we’re having or get the recipe card conversation, forget the repeat, and repeat. We’re in a boat conversation, right? Let’s talk about the deeper emotional side of grief when we’re sharing our stories. That’s where the connection is.
Anger After a Loss And The Anger Within Ourselves
Let’s go back to Scott Deluzio’s episode, he lost his brother while they were both on a deployment to Afghanistan, and he spoke a lot about his experience with anger after that loss.
Scott shares this “I put grief down and I picked up anger” I think that is so common with so many grievers and grievers of all kinds. Because you can lose a brother in that way on a deployment, but you can also be sexually assaulted or you can experience the death of a complicated relationship with a parent. And you might have a lot of anger towards that parent, and then they pass away and you still might be angry. There are a lot of things in life that can stir up anger within us. And a lot of relationships that can too. And so I think anger is one of these emotions that from a young childhood that is stuffed away, pushed down, told us badly, you can’t be angry, don’t show your anger at me type of thing.
I had a lot of misplaced anger within me. And I’ve actually seen glimpses of it every now and again, you know, if I’m working on something very intently, and I’m super hyper-focused. And then something comes to disrupt that flow or something malfunctions and doesn’t want to work, or he’ll be at software or the kid needs something, or the phone keeps ringing, or some distraction of some sort. Any kind of distraction that takes me off that hyperfocus train. Then I’ve been quick to anger. Because it’s so hard for me to get back. It’s really difficult for me to, get back on track when I’ve been derailed. I’ll say it that way when I feel like I’ve been derailed. Because I do personally know that my energy, I work in bursts. And I can knock out a lot of things in a short amount of time.
So when I’m in these productive mental bursts of energy, and things aren’t going right, then the ugly comes out. And so I’ve recently seen this, and I’ve caught myself in those moments of anger. Now granted, that’s very different anger versus grief anger. But at the same time, I can recognize that those moments of those, those anger bursts, when something isn’t going right or going my way or isn’t working or what have you. Those are far wide and in between, like those aren’t a common thing for me. Whereas when I was experiencing my anger from my grief, I was just angry all the time.
If something isn’t going right in your life and you’re angry about it, there’s your sign if there is something you are angry about, there is your sign that something needs to change. If you are not pissed about something, kudos to you. But if you are listening to the Grieving Voices Podcast it’s about grief, I guarantee you, you probably are pissed about something. So what is that anger guiding you to that you are not getting the message? You are not listening to that intuitive knowing within you. And that anger is either seething inside of you and you’re misplacing it and you’re projecting it elsewhere. Or it’s physically making you sick, there’s a clue. Look to your anger. And that’s what needs to change. And use it for fuel to do so. And your life can change.
Religion Versus Spirituality
Talking back to Christian’s episode last week, which was about religion versus spirituality. It is something that I’ve personally struggled with over the years, from childhood into well into adulthood. One thing Christian shared, and I wholeheartedly agree with this, is that spirituality is a part of us, it’s inherently a part of us. It is the essence of who we are. It is like, it is us like it is the core of our being. We are spiritual beings.
But what happens is, is grief happens and trauma happens. And it puts these layers against our spiritual selves, our inner physical selves, our emotional selves, like there are all these layers, then it’s almost like I imagined it looking like when you walk into like those mirror mazes. And you don’t know which way like you see your reflection and you think that’s the way to go. But it’s really not that, your reflections, you’re looking back at yourself but it’s an illusion. And I feel like, that’s what happens with grief and our spirituality is we can’t see the forest through the trees.
And so we may even cut ourselves off from our own spiritual essence of who we are. So then we might cut ourselves off from even God and religion, and walk away completely, which I had for several years. I wrote off God, I was angry with God. Why is there so much suffering in my life and the whole victim story I had down pat. But that was what was happening since my childhood and on, and I had never felt this connection to myself. Because so much was taken from me at such a young age that I didn’t even know my spiritual self existed. And so, it’s been a process of coming back to and rediscovering who I was.
The glimpses, like recognizing, again, those glimpses of my essence that I got when I was a teenager, and I was into like astrology and palm reading and all this mystical stuff. I was into that. And I loved collecting stickers because it was a form of play in it, it was childlike to me. And I didn’t have much of a childhood. It was a traumatic childhood. I don’t even remember a lot of it. And so I loved stickers as a teenager. And so I do today, too. I play with stickers today as an adult. It’s because I’ve learned how to reconnect to those parts of myself. I’m an energy healer. I’ve learned energy and healing. The mystical stuff. The stuff we can’t explain that I was into as a teenager but hadn’t allowed myself to really lean into that part of myself.
Grief is just really the impact it has on our spiritual souls. And how that ripples into the rest of our lives and what we do and what we become and what we do for play and how we show up in the world and all these things, right? But we don’t get that from religion. I don’t feel we do. Religion didn’t give me that. Its religion is an external thing. And spirituality is within. And so religion can be a pillar of growth and evolution and a foundation to start a spiritual journey. But I really feel like they are two separate things. That you can be spiritual, and have a religion, that there are many religious people who are not spiritual. The book says this, and this, and this, and this, and that’s it, right? But they’re not connecting with it. They’re not connecting with the words, they’re not connecting with what that means in their life. They’re not connected to themselves. They’re reading these words, but they’re disconnected from themselves. Because so many believe that you just gotta pray about it. All you got to do is pray about it. We got to pray and move our feet. The shortest line in the Bible is Jesus cried, he wept. And so many of us we’ve been private, we cry in private. And that’s so isolating.
And I even talked about how in the newsletter I even talked about how religion can be used against people. And so we have to be very careful about the advice that we give to people because we may be religious, or you might be a religious person, but not everybody is. And what if that person had religion used against them as a means to control as a means to manipulate? That person is religiously scarred. And we don’t want to inflict any more pain on that person who has experienced that type of grief.
In someone who has experienced that type of grief, and if you’re one of them, and you’re listening to this, I would recommend can start doing practices that help you connect to yourself spiritually, look into spiritual practice, and start connecting to the self. And if you find religion again, great, and if you don’t, that’s okay, too. In that episode, I mentioned that the soul is in the gut, and grief is in the lungs. And grief can actually be anywhere in the body. And generally speaking, to like, as far as pain, we might feel it in the left shoulder. And biofield tuning, which is energy sound healing that I conduct either online or in person. If you have a lot going on energetically in the left shoulder. That is where grief and sadness often are.
In Chinese medicine, they say grief is in the lungs, asthma, and different lung conditions. I believe that could be true. You can’t take a deep breath right? You can’t breathe, it’s like you’re suffocating in your own grief. And that makes sense to me, and that resonates with me, too. And as a teenager, I was dealing with a lot of gut issues. My soul was literally being chipped away. Spiritually, I have chipped away. And it makes sense to me to have that my gut was just screaming at me as a teenager.
How Powerful Breathwork Is
And so through breathwork, Christian talked about how connecting to the breath. We understand this powerful resource that we have within us in the breath. And I’ve personally experienced this with a friend of mine and I mentioned it during the episode too. I learned the power of the breath and how we can channel it to create so much energy within our bodies. It’s you can’t even imagine, I can’t even bring it into words, what that experience was like for me, but my hands are just vibrating, just talking about it. I feel the vibration in my hands. So we can’t destroy energy, but we can move energy and we can also create it within ourselves. So again, if you are low energy, you’re low vibe, you’re not living life in the full vibrant way that you wish to, look at where you’re at spiritually.
He also mentioned these two hurdles, that most people that he’s worked with or over the years have to personal freedom and empowerment. And one is being the victim. The poor be this relation to this poor me relationship to life, he said. And then also a struggle with forgiveness. And, he shared to give space to others is to be human. And get off of this self-righteous ego that we so often have, when it comes to forgiveness. I could have just an episode on victimhood and forgiveness, and actually have a chapter in my book about the victim mindset because I was stuck there for so many years. And I also coincidentally, and not coincidentally, had a real challenge with forgiveness. And so both of these things are actually addressed in the grief, evidence-based grief programs that I facilitate, and what I personally experienced myself that transformed my grief.
P.S. I highly encourage you to think about what I share today. Let it settle in your heart and reflect on it. Just take a moment to journal your thoughts after listening to this episode. What are your takeaways and reflections? I would love to hear your takeaways and reflections from this takeaways and reflections episode and I encourage you and I hope you share because I would love to know your thoughts on this episode. And I hope it was helpful. And also be sure you signed up on The Unleash Letters to get updated about the new program that I am launching this November.
Childhood Grief, Emotions, Grieving Voices Guest, Grieving Voices Podcast, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness, Pespective, Podcast |
Maha Bodhi | A Quest for Inner-Peace & Freedom
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Were you born and raised in the land of the free and home of the brave, the United States of America?
This week’s episode reminds me that oppression and enslavement are not only in Yemen, where this week’s guest was born but also in the free world. It just looks different from what Maha experienced.
Ironically, Maha fled Yemen, where she experienced oppression, enslavement, arranged marriage twice that included violence and rape, and two civil wars in search of a better (more free) life in America. A life where she could purchase a dress for the first time and make everyday decisions for herself without her father’s dictatorship and abuse from her mother.
This episode begs the question: Where is freedom truly found; is it a state of mind? Or is it simply where your feet touch the ground?
It depends on who you ask. Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl said: “It is not freedom from conditions, but it is the freedom to take a stand toward the conditions.”
Maha took a stand against her conditions. And we all have that power to do so, particularly within the confines of our minds.
Follow Maha’s journey from oppression to freedom when she became a U.S. citizen in 2018. Today, she truly is an unleashed heart, sharing her gifts, wisdom, and experience with all who are open to receiving her message.
There’s a story behind her name. Listen to learn the depth of her name and, more importantly, what it has meant to her as she’s reinvented herself as a free Maha.
The degree of your surrender is the degree of your success. – Maha Bodhi
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CONNECT:
______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief, free resources are available HERE.
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
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CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk 0:00
Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. Today my guest is Mahabodhi. And after surviving a brutal upbringing of being enslaved as a female in Yemen, forced into an arranged marriage twice, surviving multiple death threatening situations, and two civil wars before arriving in the US, Maha found her freedom and true self through the practice of ancient Yogic and modern neuroplasticity techniques. She is a living example of the hero’s journey and is dedicating her entire life to spread the transformational texts techniques that have saved her life. Thank you so much for being Yoona.
Maha Bodhi 0:41
Thank you for having me, Victoria, thank you so much. It’s an honor to be here.
Victoria Volk 0:45
And I initially met, I had gone to a Women’s Business Summit, and you were one of the presenters. And you had shared your story, and I was just captivated by your story. And I thought, Gosh, I need to have her on the podcast. And here we are.
Maha Bodhi 1:00
Yes, here we are. Yes, thank you for having me. I, it was so just so refreshing to see you in that summit, and to see all the incredible women and the incredible work that that organization is doing, you know, I was just really impressed.
Victoria Volk 1:17
And so you tour the country, and go all over speaking and things like that. But that wasn’t always your life. And I imagine what shaped your life in the work that you’re doing today has been your life experience? And can you take us back in time?
Maha Bodhi 1:34
Absolutely. Like you mentioned Victoria, in your intro, I did come from a very kind of traumatic background, my both of my parents are from Yemen. And it’s a very poor and undeveloped country, you know, 50% of the population and lives below the line of poverty. You know, they don’t even most people don’t even have access to clean water or basic human necessities, any sort of appropriate health care. And women are treated very, very poorly in terms of their goal, the purpose of a female really in that country is to serve her husband and, and a man is allowed to have up to four wives. They call them like Sister Wives and they all live in the same house. And arranged marriage is very common in that region. And not only nemenhah Multiple Muslim countries, and even till this day, it’s still practice that arranged marriage were really the kind of your parents, mostly the father, it’s the male dominant culture, the father owns the daughter, and then potential husband will come and propose and it’s kind of like a business deal. They shake hands. And there’s a dowry involved a lot of money that the potential husband pays the father and then the father hands off the female, his daughter or to the new husband. In most cases, they don’t even ask the woman permission, if you call her consent, if she wants to marry this man, you know, they show her a photo and this is who you’re gonna marry, and they meet for the first time in their wedding night. And so a similar, you know, scenario happened to me not once, but twice. And it was very traumatic, you know, one of the husbands was very violent and tried to kill me. And because I came from a very unstable family I also there was abuse in my home. So we the whole country of Yemen is a very, there’s a lot of turmoil, there’s a lot of civil wars, there’s Tribal Wars, there’s international wars, there’s like five different wars going on at the same time. And, and in addition to that, there was violence inside of our home, my mother was extremely violent physically, verbally, you name it. And so I was used to violence and it was kind of my normal. And so when I married the especially the second husband, and I was forced into that marriage, and he was violent, and he was trying to kill me in a machine gun in my head and a sword in my throat and these like dramatic scenarios that you only see in you know, Hollywood movies. And for me, I you know, it wasn’t that extreme, because I was like, Okay, do I go back home and, you know, somebody’s gonna kill me there. Do I stay here and die here. So those were kind of were my options. So it was a very extreme, extreme situation. But in that moment, when you’re in it, it’s now that I look back now that I’m here and I’m safe, and I’ve healed and I’ve matured, I look back and it literally feels like it happened to somebody else that feels like a movie. What I went through and I don’t like the human spirit is just so incredible and so resilient and and I look at myself and like wow, how did I survive that you know, and, and still move on and still come here. And you know, it’s a long story. My father was a diplomat. So we there that was kind of my key my window to freedom because because of his job as a diplomat official, his job required him to travel and to move Every four years to a different country, so we would kind of go back and forth. I was born in Russia, and we lived in Rome in Italy. That was my upbringing. And we lived here in Washington, DC, and my father worked for the embassy there for four years. And so kind of had a taste of what life outside of Yemen looks like. And that’s why I kind of, I knew inside of me that there’s another way, there’s another way of living.
Maha Bodhi 5:26
And, you know, eventually my father had to retire, I went to school in Romania, and I decided to, he was supposed to retire. And the last station that he was as a deployment was in Bucharest, Romania, and I knew that this was, if I go back to Yemen for good, you know, I will die, either somebody will kill me or I will kill myself. And so I decided to start applying for graduate school here in the United States, I saw some of my Romanian classmates do that. And it was like, A ha, that’s my key to freedom. And I just started applying, and I got accepted. And, you know, it was truly nothing short of a miracle. That, you know, I had convinced my dad to let me go to come here and get my master’s degree in organizational behavior, you know, really used school as an excuse, and, and he was able to let me go, and I came here, and I knew, you know, the moment I landed, the moment I stepped on American soil, was the first time in my life that I was free that, you know, I didn’t have to answer to anybody, I didn’t have a curfew, and I was in my 20s. And as like, no one’s calling me, no one is looking over my shoulder, I can go wherever I want, I can wear whatever I want. And that’s kind of where my healing journey began.
Victoria Volk 6:43
Hard to believe that, that still happens, or is still happening to people to women. And I can’t imagine the person that you’ve become right like, how, what did that look like for you? What did that healing look like? And also, I’m also curious, how old were you when you were first? Sold for marriage? Like, what is the typical age?
Maha Bodhi 7:06
Yeah. So you know, I was 19 my first arranged marriage, but Truly Victorian, mentally, I would say I was 10 years old, because of the lack of education, the lack of exposure, the lack of maturity, there’s there was zero sexual education, I did not know what sex was or how it works, or what a man and a husband doing the bedroom. And so I literally was a child in my head, even though I was 19, I was so scared and terrified, all they told us, it’s gonna hurt a little bit, but then it’s gonna be okay. And eventually, you’re gonna love him, and you know, just have kids right away, and especially have a boy because that will increase your value. And literally, that was all the sex education that I got. And so I was terrified. And also, I’m with a stranger all of a sudden, and there’s a complete, like, segregation between the sexes, in that culture, men and women do not socialize whatsoever. You know, they cover up the woman from head to toe, and then all of a sudden, on your wedding day, here you go, this is your husband, you know, go and be intimate with Him. And it was it was just like, insane. And so that was that was that was a lot. And then it was two years apart between my first thing so literally, the first arrangement, I only saved 30 days, and I was playing hide and go seek with this man. For those 30 days, I was sleeping most of the nights in the bathroom floor locking myself, you know, because I did not want to have sex with him. And I never did. I just hid in the bathroom for 30 days. And then eventually I ran back to my parents house. And then they locked me up because now I brought shame to the family because that’s so taboo in that culture and, and I attained like the whole family reputation. And, and that was this. I was locked up for one year, and there was a negotiations of the divorce, they were trying to bully me back into the marriage. And I really was fierce, you know, now looking back, I was standing up to the most powerful men and a corrupt country, you know, that man that I married, his father was the prime minister of our country, and, you know, in that kind of corrupt environment, and I was saying no to those men, I’m like, I’m not going back. I don’t know where I had that ferocity from, and I and so they locked me up in my parents house, literally solitary confinement, and for one year, I could not even see my own sisters that lived in the same house with me. At one point, I remember I opened the door to go to the bathroom and I see my little sister. And last time I saw her she was crawling. She couldn’t even walk yet. And now she was like, bouncing around and walking. She’s grown and I didn’t even recognize her and we live in the same house. And so I was losing my mind and I was literally starting to hear voices in my head and And then after the divorce was finalized, it took a year, they forced me into an a second arranged marriage, like right into it. And at that point, I was so desperate that I thought, okay, maybe it’s better, you know, to get out of this, you know, jail that I’m in, and maybe maybe this guy will love me and be kind to me, and I’ll have a better life than I’m having right now. And so I was kind of optimistic about this one. And he ended up being extremely violent, he was the one with the machine guns and the swords and locking me up. And, and that was where sexual abuse came in. And he because I just tried to do the same thing that I did with my first husband and avoid, you know, sexual relations with him, and he wouldn’t have it. So he was forcing himself on me and was pretty much right. You know, even though we, you know, we were married, if you will, but I wasn’t, you know, I didn’t consent to this marriage. And then same thing, I stayed there, I stayed with him for 40 days, because, you know, I gave him 10 days more, because I was just so terrified of, you know, doing it twice. And but it really was death or life in the situation because of the, how violent he was. And I was like, you know, what, if I’m gonna die anyway, you know, just, I’m just gonna go back to my parents house and see what happens and, and that’s when my father, it’s interesting, I call this divine intervention, because my father was supposed to retire. He was at the end of his career traveling was over and we were in Yemen and, and all of a sudden, my dad gets one last final diplomatic mission to go on it to go to Romania in Bucharest, and, you know, be the ambassador of for our country in that in Romania. And my dad, just because the situation was out of control, my dad just grabbed me and he said, Come on, just I’m gonna go to Romania to come with me.
Maha Bodhi 11:52
And so that’s how I went to Romania. And I started going to college because I wasn’t doing anything. I wasn’t going to school. You know, I was just being bought and sold left and right. And locked up. And so I started going to school, I went to business school and things kind of slowly began to lighten up for me, I went to school. And then the final year when my father was this time, for real, he was supposed to retire. I applied for graduate school and came to the United States. And you asked me, what was this healing journey and you see me now, you know, doing the work that I do when touring the country, like you said, and I’m writing my memoir, and I’m leading yoga retreats, and I, you know, work with Fortune 105 100 corporations. It’s not overnight, you know, and I know our culture has this, like, quick fix this before and after picture. It’s not like that. It was a process. It was years and years of intense healing therapy, yoga, meditation, inward reflection, and a lot of self study. I came here you know, I had to figure out who is MMA outside of all that chaos. I never had a moment to know who I am. I never made one decision in my life up to that point I was 25 years old when I came to the United States and I never you know bought a dress or never, you know, get got to decide the you know where to go or what to eat. Or, you know, my bedroom. I remember we would like because we were traveling a lot like I can I choose my room like now you don’t get to choose your room. You don’t get to choose and everything is thought for you. Everything is decided for you. Even my hair cut even like the littlest thing, every decision was made for me. So here I am a grown women. Now I’m in the land of the free. Everything is supposed to be amazing, right? But no, because internally, I don’t know how to make the simplest decision. I don’t know how to process information. I don’t know how to behave like a grown woman. I remember I had to buy a mattress because right I just moved here. That’s the first thing you do you buy a mattress to sleep on. And I did not know how I’ve never had a bank account in my life. I did not know how to pay for the mattress. The cashier had to show me how to write a check. And he would tell me like paying the order right here, sign here, put the date here. And I was so proud of myself. When I did that. I thought I achieved something incredible. And I didn’t know how to put gas in my car, all these things. So I had to learn step by step by step and yoga played a big, big role in my healing. And it really changed my life. And that’s why now I’m so passionate about helping other people and sharing the techniques that helped me because they work if it worked for me, literally coming from under a rock. English is not even my first language. And now I’m doing what I do. I think anybody can do it. If you have Well, if you have the determination, and you put in the work, it is possible.
Victoria Volk 15:07
Wow, it was like you were a 25 year old infant, I’m sure. It felt like ways Yes. And really vulnerable to being manipulated and taken advantage of again. And so did you. Like where? How did you even know where to find support? As when you first came here? Like, how, what did that look like?
Maha Bodhi 15:29
You know, I was so excited. And so I fell in love with America and American culture. And because of when we were traveling with my father, one of our stops was in the United States was in Washington, DC. And we lived there for four years. And I started kindergarten there, and I studied up to third grade. And me and my sister was me and my older sister, were kinda like two years apart, we got hooked. It was our favorite country of all the countries that we lived in. And we just fell in love with America. And then when we had to move away, because, you know, my dad continued to travel, we were heartbroken. And we never got over it. It was like falling in love, and you never get over it. And so we would move to other countries. And we would watch, you know, American sitcom Saved by the Bell, full house, all these things. We were so immersed in American culture, and so kind of resisting. You know, we were in Saudi Arabia, and we were resisting that culture. Were like, no, America is like so much better. And so we always were dreaming of like, America was the dream. And so when I came here, it was literally like, I remember I called my sister, I just landed. And I was in San Francisco, and I called her I’m like, I’m in San Francisco. And she’s like, whoa, you did it. And she’s like, just live the dream live the dream for both of us, because she got arranged marriage, you know, and into that, you know, path and she already had two kids and, and so she was like, you know, just do it, do it for the both of us. And so what motivated me when you said, like, how did you feel I was so excited. I was literally living my dream. And I was like, I’m here. And anything is possible here. You know, all those restrictions and chains that I had, were gone. And I realized, now it’s up to me. Now, it’s, you know, me and me. All the excuses that I had are gone. So it’s up to me what I do with this freedom, what I do with this opportunity, and so I just, you know, saw, you know, therapy. That was number one, I would say number one was therapy. I knew I needed healing, I would have terror nightmares. You know, I suffered dramatically from PTSD. I mean, I didn’t even know I had PTSD, I would just have these nightmares. And so I went to therapy. And and it went from there. You know, therapy really, really helped me break down how your past, you know, is still showing up in your future and kind of shapes the lens of how you view your world and your life. Right. Dr. Gabor Mate said it. He’s an incredible physician and therapist in his holistic his work is incredible. But he says,
Maha Bodhi 18:04
Your mind shapes your world. But before that your world shaped your mind. And so that’s why you know, I talk a lot about manifestation and manifesting your best life and my work, but unable to tap into your innate power of manifestation become the creator of your life experience, you have to undo you have to unlearn you have to heal. What was done to you, especially if it was a negative thing, the old tape, the old limiting belief, all my life, I was told that I was unworthy, my mom would literally step on me, I’m like, in a fetal position when I was young, and she would put her foot on my back and tell me like, you are worthless, you are nothing, you know, and I’m being like, I’m not I’m trying not to be BullGuard, they’re on your podcast, but she would say a lot of more aggressive things than just that. And so those things shape your mind. And I carry that with me all my life that I am worthless, like, who’s gonna want to look at me who’s gonna want to hear me who’s gonna want to be my friend who’s going to give me a job, all these things, I carry those with me. And then they impact all the other, you know, areas of development in your life, your career, your finances, your relationships. And so therapy helped me kind of see that. But I felt like I plateaued. I reached a point where I just felt like I wasn’t progressing at the rate that I wanted to. And that’s when yoga kicked in, because I love therapy so much, but you’re only dealing with the intellect part of us. And there’s a whole other part that is the body that is not tapped into therapy, unless it’s a Holistic Therapist. But that’s where yoga really came in. What does it feel like to feel safe in your body? How does it feel in your belly? How does it feel in your heart? How does it feel in your legs? eggs. And so those things to embody to be in body to feel the qualities that you want to cultivate. And the beautiful news is that, you know, it’s possible you can cultivate those qualities just through your intentions. And being mindful. The brain is malleable, the brain is plastic, it’s a muscle just like any other muscle. And we know now through research through neuroplasticity, a lot of studies have been done in Harvard, at the Lazar lab, the impact and benefits of yoga and meditation and what it does to the physical structure of the brain, they take the brain and they scan it before and they scan it after, you know, an intensive yoga and meditation program. And they saw that you increase gray matter through these modalities and through these practices. And what does that mean, what is gray matter mean? You know, I’m a little nerdy, and I don’t want to confuse people. All that means is that you activate parts of the brain that correspond to hope, optimism, joy, and you just start to make different decisions, and you start to have a different view of life.
Victoria Volk 21:10
So much came up for me as I was listening to you and I, my eyes started to well up when you were talking about what you said, your sister had shared with you. And I just thought, oh my gosh, like you’re not only in a foreign country, or you were familiar with America, but you left your family, your grind everything behind that you knew solar’s I have a two part question. If you don’t mind going there. But did you ever think about changing your name? is Maha Bodhi your birth name, first of all? And then secondly, are you still in relationship with your family?
Maha Bodhi 21:46
I’m glad you asked that question, because a lot of people asked me that question. So my first name Ma is my given name. It’s a very common name in Middle Eastern countries and Arabic speaking countries. And it was, it means in Arabic, it translates into big, beautiful eyes. And that’s why my parents named me Maha. And so when I came fast forward to the United States, and I’m actually in my yoga teacher training, and it’s my first day of teacher training. And the teacher asked me, Can you introduce yourself to the group and I said, Hi, my name is Maha. And he said, Do you want to tell them what Maha means? And I said, Oh, it means the beautiful eyes. He’s like, yes, but in Sanskrit, it means the great. And I had no idea Victoria, that it meant that in Sanskrit, or it had a meaning in Sanskrit. And everybody looked at me, and they were like, Whoa, you were destined to be a yogi. And you know, it’s like Mahatma Gandhi or Maha Yoga, it’s a means the great. And so that was kind of one of those, you know, universal signs that I like, I feel like the universe gives us clues clues, clues like this is to nudge us in the right direction. And so that was the first thing. My last name was my family name, which is I’ll call it D. And I did change it when I became a US citizen. And so I became a US citizen in 2018. And I didn’t have any intention to change my name. And I was getting naturalized. And my immigration lawyer, she told me, I was filling up the form. And she said, click here, do you want to change your name, and I said, Oh, and she said, This is the easiest way to do it. Like the fastest and easiest way, just check that box and write whatever name you want. And I was like, I actually do want to change my last name, because I felt like I was a completely different person. I had just completed my yoga teacher training. And I became this Yogi and I, and you know, when you when, when you are expecting a baby, you have like nine months to figure out what you want your baby’s name to be, or some people even know that beforehand. They really thought it through. They did research. And I didn’t have time and it was like that moment. And I just like came to me just Bodi came to me. And Bodie means the enlightened ones. It’s the Bodhi tree where the Buddha sat under the tree and he became awakened. And I felt like I was at that moment, I was going through these journeys, and I was having these awakening experiences that were so so powerful, and I would share them with with my colleagues during Teacher Training. I like did you feel that did you and they’re like, What are you talking about? We didn’t feel any of these things that you’re talking about. And so I felt like I was having a unique experience. And so I literally just wrote down. Bodie, not honest, I like I said, I didn’t have a lot of time to think about it. And now so then my friend told me, she’s like, Oh, so now you are the great enlightened one. I’m like, Oh, my God. No, like that’s That sounds very egotistical. I don’t see myself that way. You know, I’m just a human and progress like everybody else. But you know, I think it called me the name kind of called me.
Victoria Volk 24:58
I’d actually looked your name up before Are ya Business Summit? Yeah, cuz I was curious of the, I figured there was some sort of meaning behind. Yeah. The other part of my question too was, Are you still in communication with your family?
Maha Bodhi 25:12
You know, unfortunately, no, I had to sacrifice that relationship and able to move forward in my life. It was very difficult. I slowly be transformed. You know, I call, I call myself there was Yemen Maha. And then there was American Maha, and then there was yo Hema. And the transitions were very extreme. And it was difficult for me, I would talk to my parents initially when I first moved to the United States, and I would call them and I would talk to my sisters and talk. And what I realized is that every time I spoke to them, I have to pretend that I’m still that old MA for them. And I had to really hide who I am. And it was painful. It felt like self betrayal. And, you know, also, it was reminding me of, you know, the past traumas. And I was on this healing journey. And so I realized that if I really, really want to heal and become my fullest expression of my fullest potential, that there’s a sacrifice that needs to be made. And I did. And it wasn’t easy, but I believe that it was it had it was necessary.
Victoria Volk 26:23
And that’s a part of grief that a lot of people resist is creating those boundaries. And yes, really being able to have the, to feel empowered enough to say, No, I need to walk away from this relationship. It’s not serving me.
Maha Bodhi 26:42
Yeah, absolutely. Wow.
Victoria Volk 26:45
So tell us about the work that you’re doing now. And your mission?
Maha Bodhi 26:51
Yeah, you know, when I came here, I just wanted to be an American, just like everybody else. So I’m like, Okay, what do Americans do Americans get a job and, you know, work in corporate America. And so that’s exactly what I did. And I just got a, you know, I studied, I got my master’s degree in organizational behavior. And after I graduated, I found a job. I worked in the headquarters here in Los Angeles for DirecTV. And I worked as a leadership development trainer and coach and I was delivering, like classroom style trainings. And I liked it, you know, I didn’t mind it. So I just, I kept going, and I kept doing what I was doing. But yoga was always my happy place. So I realized, like, after work, you know, I was still copying whatever American culture was doing. So after work, everybody goes to happy hour, everybody. And I liked that for a little bit. But then I realized that you know what, I’d actually rather go to yoga. After work. Instead of that happy hour, I feel better, I sleep better, I wake up better. And so yoga was always my happy place. And then I just kept going for years and years, until one day, I decided just to take it to the next level. And I was like, You know what, I’m gonna go to a yoga teacher training. And I signed up, and I thought it was gonna be a hobby. I thought I was going to teach a yoga class at the park on a Sunday. That was really my intention. But then the first day, Victoria promised to the first I stepped into that room, I knew I knew that I was in the right place, that I belonged, and that my life was going to change. And for the first time in my life, I felt understood, I felt that this is a language that I speak. And I just knew that this was what I was meant to do and who I was meant to be. I was never good at school. And I struggled a lot with, you know, academia. And when I was in yoga teacher training, I was the smartest girl in the training. And I never and it was so refreshing and surprising at the same time. Like when a teacher asks a question, I’m the one raising my hand, you know, I always say like, Monica from my friends, like, I know, I know. I’m, like, I’m that annoying student. And I never was that student, I started to realize that the other trainees were coming to me for advice, and were telling me oh, you’re the best one only you can do this, can you please teach me and it felt like I have something to offer the world I have value, like for the first time in my life, and it was very rewarding that I have something I can be of service to others, and I can help make a difference. And and I never looked back. And you know, I would I will say that I probably wouldn’t have the courage to completely quit my job and just become a yoga teacher. But what happened was, that’s another clue from the universe that I got certified. mid December, it was December 17. And then January 1, like two weeks later, I got certified I got my yoga teacher certification. And then two weeks later, I got a notice from my company that I’m being laid off. And the whole team is being laid off, not just me. They lay off a lot of people it’s part of their downside was a process. And it was just our time, you know? And everybody was crying for my team, what am I going to do? Oh my God, my job, you know, they have mortgages, they have an I was relieved and I knew I was like, I see you universe, I see what’s happening here, I know that you’re telling me to go this way. And I never shed a tear. I never was upset, I felt so light.
Maha Bodhi 30:24
And you know, they give you a severance and they I’m like, I I’m like, All right, I just took that severance. And I ran and I never looked back. And I started building my yoga business and building my work and, and it just unfolded. You know, I just started just teaching yoga and yoga studio in a classroom. And then because I had a huge corporate network, you know, for my corporate life, my friends were uh, what is this yoga you speak of? Like, what are you teaching? Can you come into our company and maybe talk about it and, and share it. And as you know, my my background, being the leadership development, training, trainer and holding, you know, that classroom type of training. So I kind of bridge those two worlds together. And I created my own formula, which is, you know, just from different schools of thought. So I combined the ancient wisdom, healing yogic techniques, with the corporate, you know, cutting edge best practices and efficiency and agility. With the science of neuroplasticity, I created my own formula, I call it the high performance mind. And now I you know, I go to corporations, and I deliver trainings, I do one on one coaching, and I do inspirational, speaking engagements, where you saw me at the Women Business Summit, where I just talk about my background, and my experience. So that’s kind of how it’s shaped. And it’s, you know, from from trauma from a very intense, you know, difficult situation. So that’s why I always say, you know, these traumatic experiences, they can break you down, or they can break you open. And it’s really up to you. It’s your decision, what you make of it, the poet Rumi said, The wound is where the light enters you. And so are you going to open to the learning, instead of slipping into victim and being Why did this happen to me, you know, which one is better, like, think about it for a moment?
Victoria Volk 32:16
Well, and you might be there for a time, and it’s exactly what you’re, you’re gonna sit with all of that and the overwhelm of it all, but not to stay there. And, you know, just wake up and just choose better for yourself.
Maha Bodhi 32:29
It’s just what you touched upon what we call in yoga, a spiritual bypass, we don’t want to bypass that trauma or that difficult experience, you actually want to hold space for it and be a container. So you’re not dismissing that pain or dismissing that part of you, that’s when we create disconnect, you actually want to integrate all parts of you that it all belongs the wounded part of you, and the and the the inner child, part of you, you know, and even the parts of you that you don’t really like, you know, maybe it’s anger or jealousy, or you know, that part of you also belong, and the loving part of you and the light part of you all of it. And once you become whole, and that’s really when you tap into your full power and you’re able to live your whole life.
Victoria Volk 33:15
Do you seem to draw people to your work that have experienced trauma? And is that a big part of your yoga practice today? Like, do you work one on one with a lot of trauma?
Maha Bodhi 33:27
You know, it’s interesting, I’m not a therapist. So I don’t think it’s my place to do that. But I do notice that people gravitate towards me that not just people who went through trauma, anybody who wants to reach their fullest potential and highest expression, you know, the dreamers, you know, the rebels, the people who want to follow the path of least resistance, which I call like, go with the flow, you want to be in alignment with yourself, you want what you feel is in aligned with what you say, and what you do show up as your best self. And so those are the kinds of people you’d like I said, I’m not a therapist, even though I understand trauma very well. And I see I can see it very clearly in people but I don’t have the skill set to walk somebody through it in depth, they probably will be better served by seeking a professional.
Victoria Volk 34:14
I know that you you did a piece in an HBO documentary, do you want to speak to that a little bit?
Maha Bodhi 34:15
You know, that was kind of part of it’s still in production. It’s not out there yet. But what happened is that I did one of my inspirational speaking engagements in Beverly Hills and they there was a lot of media there and you know, production companies follow me and there are females on there called CTV and they reached out to me and they said, We want to film your story and they’re doing the HBO documentary, which is every episode is focused on one story, and they came to me and we filmed it and I don’t know where it is right now. It’s kind of still in production.
Victoria Volk 34:54
Well, if it comes out before you know the your episode actually airs. I’ll put that in the show. Let’s but yeah, please keep me up to date on that. Yeah, great. And what’s next for you.
Maha Bodhi 35:04
You know, I’m just, you know, I’m continuing to evolve and grow. In my work, I’m leading international yoga retreats, which are tremendously transformational, because you kind of step away from the noise of your day to day life. And you know, a retreat is to retreat within. And so we are away from all of that, and you’re in a new environment, and we do yoga twice a day. And I really have seen people transform in front of my eyes. And it’s truly magical, if you if you’re willing and open to allow healing to occur to allow transformation to occur. And I always say like, the more you’re willing to surrender, the degree of your surrender is equal to the degree of your success. And so the more you resist, you know, the more you get stuck, you know, emotions are energy in motion, right? They’re designed to come pass through and let go. And it’s when we hold on, it’s when we resist. And when we grip, and we become identified by that story in that pain, that’s when we get stuck. And really yoga is Mo moving your body, you’re literally expanding your body or stretching yourself. Because when you are in pain, you contract the body, right, you physically contract the body, you can see it, you make a fist with your head, you close your ribs, you’re fidgeting, you’re tensing the body, so the energy is not able to flow freely in the body. And yoga is kind of a counter for that. So you’re stretching your body, you’re breathing through the practice. And so you’re kind of releasing that energy. Now the breath is flowing in your body, now the blood is flowing in your body. When you’re doing that downward facing dog, your head is lower than your heart. So you’re kind of reversing the blood flow, the effects of gravity. And what happens is literally you’re optimizing all the systems in the body, you’re optimizing your nervous system, you’re optimizing the blood flow, the bread we talked about in the brain, the heart, all these things. And then when you’re in that state of expansion, you liberated that energy because it takes so much energy to kind of be caught up in your stress and in your pain and in your story. And when you freed up that energy, literally, I talked about embodying and now you’re embodying freedom in your in your body, you can do so much with that liberated energy and use it in a very useful way that benefits you and really benefits everyone around you in the greatest good.
Victoria Volk 37:35
Love. Do you offer online classes?
Maha Bodhi 37:39
I do Insight Timer on Sundays. That’s a year Neoga de stress and deep stretch. That’s the That’s my online class. And I do the high performance mind, you know that my my leadership trainings, I do that with corporations, but I also offer free master classes on a monthly basis. So every month we meet, and I give them kind of like a snippet of the highperformance mind masterclass. It’s all on yogimaha.com.
Victoria Volk 38:05
Okay, I will put that link in the show notes too. But I kind of want to dip back into the serious stuff a little bit again. I’m curious because of your experience with the traumatic experience that you had with marriage and being in that environment of arranged marriage. And so how has that shaped and I know that you’re a completely different person now than you were then. And so I think sometimes what happens is, well, what I’ve seen even for me personally, and people I’ve worked with and through grief, once you have dealt with all that emotional stuff and the trauma, you are changed by it right for the positive and you seem to then attract more of the same to you. Yeah. And so how has because I imagine if I would have experienced something like that, I would have been very cynical about love, right? Like, so how has that shaped you today? And how you know, and love and marriage.
Maha Bodhi 39:04
It does shape and I just want to say that when you heal, it’s not that that is completely gone. It’s not like that it’s disappeared. It’s just that you learn how to like we said hold space for it. So it’s not kind of blurring your vision. It’s not dominating your decision mechanism. So it’s not leading the way so you kind of see it you observe it, it’s there. I see you I know you’re still there. But but it’s okay. Kind of like a little child but it’s okay, we got this we can do this together. So I think that’s what’s healing. It’s that integration, that sense of wholeness. I did struggle a lot with relationships, you know, I’m not gonna lie to Victoria. I struggled a lot with intimacy, love and relationships, especially when it comes to dating. There is this kind of like fear but, you know, I think if you have to choose between love and fear, I think when in doubt, always choose love and always open up to love you can Can’t go wrong with love.
Victoria Volk 40:01
There’s the show, I’ve been kind of watching just like my secret indulgence, if you will, you know, it’s like this not trashy TV, but reality TV. But it’s called Love is blind, and I just find the, the, it’s an experiment in love, but you, you don’t meet the people, you just talk. And you build this emotional connection before you ever see them. And it really highlights how superficial of a society we really are, when we’re looking at appearances. And you can’t you don’t make a decision on love based on on, you know, race or background or any of those things. It’s just purely an emotional connection. And so can you speak to that for someone who may be struggling to build that emotional connection with someone? That’s a good lead to, by the way?
Maha Bodhi 40:59
That’s a very interesting question. You know, it’s kind of what you mentioned, this show that they kind of connect on an emotional level before they see each other before on a physical level, which is kind of like the opposite of what’s happening with dating apps these days, dating apps is purely based on looks purely based on that snippet like swipe, swipe, swipe super fast make that decision, I do think that I personally am that kind of person. With the advice that I can, I’m the kind of person that I would like to connect more like, I’d like to know someone more, it’s easier to open up. Because if you have these trust issues, like that’s what I struggled with, it’s when you have that background, like similar to me, what happens is that you don’t trust people, because the people that were supposed to love you unconditionally violated that trust. And then as you grow as an adult, it’s really difficult for you to, to find that trust again. Especially, you know, with a complete stranger, you know, if my parents didn’t love me and take care of me, how is a stranger gonna love me and take care of me. So I better watch out, right? That’s the mindset for me, if that’s something you’re struggling with, probably the dating apps are not going to be beneficial to you, I would say friendships, you probably want to lean into it through a friendship through somebody, you know, doing what you love. So when you do what you love, and you follow your bliss, like Joseph Campbell said, you’re gonna put yourself in situations to be surrounded with like minded people, and you’re going to attract like minded people. And so you’re going to meet those people. And it could start off as no colleagues or you know, friendship, like I said, and you start to have conversation, I feel that creates a safe environment, to open up to somebody and be more trustful. And I know that’s a slower pace than, you know what our society teaches us the swipe, swipe, swipe, but I think it’s a very healthy way. And it’s also more authentic, and it’s probably going to be a more lasting relationship. You know, when I started I, I was working right in the corporate world, and I wanted and I just decided to be a yogi and I just made this huge transformation that literally my friends were worried about me, they were, you know, they were doing interventions like what are you, okay, like, who leaves their corporate job with all the benefits and the big salaries in the fancy offices, and you know, and health insurance and all that stuff, and then you just go live on a yoga teacher salary, and they thought I was crazy, right? They were worried about me, are you okay? Literally, I would get text message, are you okay? And that was a little bit isolating for me, you know, I felt like no one understood me. But when you chew, and it takes a lot of willpower, because the calling was so big for me, like my North Star was so big that the obstacles were small in comparison to the North Star. And so I followed through my passion. And, you know, I started to share it with the world and I start to use my voice and speak up, even though it was a big risks. You know, everybody’s telling me, I’m crazy. And I’m going out there and sharing it with the world. What happened is that people that are like me, started to see themselves in me and started to rally around me. And so that’s called community. So I started to build community. And I started to be surrounded by like minded people, just because I decided to do what I love. And I followed my calling. So the goal was not to meet people. The goal was not to create community. I just felt this calling and I followed my bliss. And then that cascade leads to other things, that leads so that’s kind of my advice to people is just do what you love and the right people will find you
Victoria Volk 44:41
Follow what lights you up. Right? Exactly. Well, that’s a great tip that takes care of that one question I was going through all of this, what is your grief taught you?
Maha Bodhi 44:51
You know, I like I said, my parents are still alive. But what I had to learn is I had to learn on how to support myself, I had to learn how to self regulate. And what you know, that’s me. And then literally, I had when you have nowhere to go, you go inside, that’s what happened to me like my when your face is like in the wall, there was nowhere to go but inside. And so I went inside, and I did the self work. And I did the self study, which allowed me to learn how to be my own best friend, and be my parent that I never had, and be my greatest coach and be my best friend, and be my greatest lover. So I was able to be all these things. And it’s not an easy journey. But it is such a powerful journey, the results are truly incredible. And so that’s when you become whole. And that wholeness allowed me to be a better friend for other people, a better lover for another person. And so now I have because my cup is so full, I’m able to give from my overflow, when your cup is empty, you’re no good for anybody around you. And so now I’m able to be compassionate, really, and see people when they’re suffering and just hold space for them, and not try to fix it really, I try not to slip into preacher or teacher mode or try to, you know, I’ll show you how to fix this, you know, just by holding space for somebody, people want to be seen people want to be heard. People want to be valued. And so I would say that’s what it taught me. And I think that’s a very powerful capability to have.
Victoria Volk 46:41
Absolutely agree. What gives you the most joy and hope for the future for your future.
Maha Bodhi 46:46
I feel I’m on the right path, I feel I’m on the right place and at the right time. And I feel the more I do this work, the stronger my relationship with my gut feeling is. And so sometimes it doesn’t make sense the decisions that I make, like from an external perspective, from an intellectual perspective, which our culture is very intellectual, and I know that my gut will never lie to me. And so I feel very optimistic because I see that relationship continues to grow and grow. And I trust it more. So I’m really looking forward to the future.
Victoria Volk 47:20
And I think that happens as we start to dig away and just clear away all of that stuff. We win
Maha Bodhi 47:28
The noise and the stories. Yeah,
Victoria Volk 47:31
A lot easier to tap into our intuition when we are able to do that. I think
Maha Bodhi 47:36
I’m writing my memoir, like I mentioned, and that’s been such a cathartic experience for me. And I’m really excited to share that with the world. Do you have a launch date? Yeah, no, I think by end of this year, okay. Yes.
Victoria Volk 47:50
I’m really excited about that for that. Yeah. Is there anything else that you would like to share?
Maha Bodhi 47:55
I don’t, I want to say to people, don’t give away your power, you are so much more powerful than you think you are. And if you don’t believe me, just sit quietly and listen, listen to the voice that is inside of you. And, you know, I’m a meditation teacher, and a yoga teacher and all these tools and techniques. They’re all just designed to quiet down the noise in your head. So you’re able to see things clearly to hear things clearly. And that alone is such a powerful technique. You know, Victoria, I just saw this documentary. It’s an old documentary, there’s this experiment in a prison in Atlanta or Alabama, I’m sorry, one of those. It’s a prison. It’s a maximum security prison. And it’s like the most the worst prison in the United States. And they started to deliver Vipassana meditation, which is a silent 10 day meditation. It’s it’s the most intense program that anyone can go through to be silent for 10 days. And they did it in Alabama. And you know, it’s a it was a very Christian place, and there was a lot of resistance. But, you know, somehow, you know, they rolled out the program. And these prisoners are murderers are the worst kind of people you can imagine did horrific things. And they did this 10 day meditation of being silent and completely transformed. Like you can see their faces light up, you see them talk before how angry they were. And then there’s just like this pure peace in their face, just because they were able to quiet their head and drop into the body and identify the sensations of the body that are invoking this kind of reaction, this reactive place. And so they just learned how to be in their body and how to manage their body and manage their reaction and realize that it’s just a chemical reaction and I have the power. You know, I own my body. My body doesn’t own me. I own my brain. My brain does An own mean, I own my emotions. My emotions don’t own me. So that’s a very empowering tool. And your listeners are no, they’re not murderers, they’re not you know, so their journey can be so much easier and they don’t even need to do a 10 day silent meditation. Just sit quietly five minutes a day, 10 minutes a day journal, reflect, go inside self study, the more you get to know yourself, the better you’re able to serve yourself and serve other people.
Victoria Volk 50:28
Yeah. Kristin Sherry has said she’s one of my mentors. She said, the more you know yourself, the more the less you look to others to tell you who you are.
Maha Bodhi 50:37
Exactly. The less validation you need from others.
Victoria Volk 50:41
Yeah, I’m going to try and find that documentary you’re talking about and
Maha Bodhi 50:45
it’s on YouTube yet. Okay, too. Yeah.
Victoria Volk 50:49
I’ll have to look that up. Thank you so much for sharing your story, which is incredible. We truly live in a very blessed country. And it we are so lucky that I take it so for granted. Yeah, sure. Yes. Thank you so much again, and you’re welcome idea. And remember, when you unleash your heart you unleash your life. Much love.
Childhood Grief, Educational, Emotions, Grief, Pespective |
The Power of Anger
Anger is a powerful emotion. It has a direct effect on our bodies physiologically and biologically. Early on, as children, we learn the physical cues of anger. For example, when you see someone make a fist before they hit someone or something, the facial expression when the brow narrows, and there is visual tension in the face, particularly the jaw area. The person’s face may even turn red, and their voice will get louder, depending on how angry they are. Their breathing pattern may shorten and become more shallow, too. They may even pace the room.
If you’ve been taught that anger is a “bad” emotion and it’s not one to be expressed, you may have become a pro at containing it. So, the physical cues will be different for those who are practicing constraint of anger. For someone working hard to contain their anger, their breathing pattern will change; it may become louder and perhaps slower as a conscious effort to remain calm. You may look for a way to expend that energy physically (such as exercise, cleaning, pacing, etc.). However, internally, I feel much of the same is going on – blood pressure is rising, adrenaline is pumping, and eventually, something has to give. Some people may vacillate between the two descriptions, too. I know, for me, I would start by trying my darndest to contain my anger but, eventually, would find myself yelling (even screaming), slamming doors, getting physical, and sometimes, too, I would often end up crying.
There is a sense of shame often felt after becoming angry. Again, this ties back to the beliefs we’re taught about anger. We must raise the future generations that there are healthy ways to utilize and channel anger. It serves a valuable purpose.
Anger is our cue that something feels unfair or unjust. We also may not feel as though we are living in integrity with our own values and expectations. Expectations are huge, anyway, when it comes to our relationships. There’s a quote I heard in my grief recovery training: “Expectations are planned disappointments.” Or, said in another way:
Expectations destroy our peace of mind. They are future disappointments planned out in advance.
– Elizabeth George
My husband says this phrase that, for a long time, drove me nuts. And, it drove me nuts because I was a person who would analyze everything. The phrase? “No one can make you angry; you make yourself angry.” Annoying, right? I have had to remind him of his own words. LOL! But, his sage words began to make more sense the more I worked through my unaddressed anger through grief recovery. As long as I was blaming another for my anger, I learned how disempowering that is and how I felt like a victim. However, once I learned that my feelings around that individual were showing up as anger because of undelivered communications, well then, that was something I could do something about. And that’s empowering stuff.
Anger Norms in Society
Although many of us are taught that anger isn’t an emotion that’s acceptable to express, society seems to often view those who rule with an iron fist as tempered, angry people. These “rulers” have the capability to control their anger with reason. It’s a persona, I believe, that is lived into. We aren’t born angry; quite the contrary. We’re born with the innate desire to love and be loved. It’s somehow anger that gets in the way of that ability; it clouds our judgment and causes us to say things we later regret and go against our desire, not intended to cause harm. And yes, the opposite is true; some have an intent to cause harm. Those who are filled with so much rage that it’s them versus the world, in their mind. These are people that can’t be reasoned with because reason itself has no place in their mind. I would ask, instead: “What happened to you that makes you angry?”
Here’s a quote shared by blogger Dan Spira that I find interesting in talking about anger:
“..we sometimes praise those who are harsh-tempered as manly, and fitted to command. It is therefore not easy to pronounce on principle what degree and manner of error is blameworthy, since this is a matter of the particular circumstances, and judgement rests with the faculty of perception. But thus much at all events is clear, that the middle disposition is praiseworthy, which leads us to be angry with the right people for the right things in the right manner and so on… ”
– Aristotle, The Nicomachean Ethics, Book IV Chapter 5,
English Translation by H. Rackham (1926)
Furthermore, here’s an excerpt from Dan’s blog post (which I found by Googling: “What’s the opposite of anger?”):
Tame it [anger] too much, and it gets snuffed out completely into apathy or “spiritlessness.” Most popular psychology and therapy are built around this Aristotelian concept of balanced, virtuous Anger (he called it “good temper“) and the idea of having a healthy, under-control release valve of emotional tension.
In other words, get angry; it’s a valid emotion; however, don’t allow yourself to get too carried away or “aroused” by it.
In the work that I do, I know it is often the “aroused” anger that prompts people to take action in their lives, too, finally. It’s this idea of being “sick and tired of being sick and tired” of one’s own crap.
Anger, Evil-doers, and the Energy of Anger
Our reaction to our own anger, and that of others, can be traced back to the beliefs about anger that we were raised to believe. I have this belief that those who do evil things must be angry people. And I have struggled for a long time with the notion that people are born evil. It’s probably why I’m fascinated by real-life murder stories/shows/podcasts. I have been trying to understand the part of society that harms others. What is it about the upbringing that made them (i.e., evil people) do horrible (sometimes unspeakable) things? Who were they before they did such evil things? What are the signs of such evil-doers? I suppose, too, and it really only occurred to me as I’m writing this now, having been a victim of someone who had the intent to harm; perhaps it’s my quest to better understand why, what happened to me, happened in the first place. I happen to know a lot about the history, and truthfully, it helps me look at the perpetrator with compassion. Granted, I say this after having done a lot of inner-work, too. Was I angry for a long time for what happened to me? Absolutely, I was. Given that those events also happened on the heels of my dad’s illness and subsequent death, and simultaneously when a lot of change was already happening in my life, I had a lot to be angry about.
I recognize anger (particularly hidden anger) in children quite easily, I believe, due to my experiences. And generally, my antenna of intuition, when I meet people, has become acutely attuned to the energy of others. This sensitivity to the energy of others used to be very taxing and draining until I learned to protect my own energy rather than taking everyone’s energy in as my own. However, it’s become a blessing. It’s as if I am a TSA agent armed with one of those metal detector wands. Rather than scanning for metal, I’m scanning the person’s energy where I can sense what they’re feeling without them saying a word. I get a vibe if the person feels like a “safe” person or something off about them. This is especially common, I believe, for those who grew up in chaotic, harmful, or dangerous environments. It’s a constant fight-or-flight of having to figure out who is safe and who isn’t, assessing the surroundings, and looking for danger.
What I am getting at, by sharing about the energetics of anger, is that it’s often palpable energy I pick up on. People’s choice of words, tone of voice, body language are all reflected by the state of one’s emotions. In a nutshell: all frequencies are equal to the issue at hand. This is true of every aspect of our body, whether emotional, physical, spiritual, or psychological. The energy (i.e., vibrational frequency) we give off in the world around us is also returned to us. It’s why it is so critical for those grieving to pay attention to their personal energy and that of others around them. An angry (in the moment) griever will bring a different frequency of energy versus a griever who is sad (in the moment). And, in grief, we can feel these and more in a span of moments. So, it’s really about elevating our personal energy – which is the sole responsibility, anyway. It’s not your responsibility to raise the vibrational frequency of the grievers around you no more than it’s their responsibility to raise yours.
I feel like I’ve taken the topic of anger down a deep rabbit hole. However, I think it’s important we look at the broader impact (and usefulness) of anger. We can be highly motivated to make something happen when we’re angry. And, if you think about it, when you’ve been angry, you’ve likely felt more compelled to move someone else to action rather than taking action yourself. Am I right? So, the better question here is: do you want to be a victim, or do you want to empower yourself?
Anger & Grief
I also think it’s important to mention that not all grievers will experience anger. Yes, it is often a factor in our difficult relationships with less than loved ones. Yet, to presume that someone is angry because of a loss is incorrect. For example, if you had a lovely relationship with someone who died, they lived a long, full life but became ill and died. You may feel relief that it wasn’t a long, drawn-out illness where your loved one suffered. Furthermore, if you had recently seen your loved one and shared all that you wanted to share, expressed your love and appreciation for them, and said goodbye, anger would likely not play a role in that scenario. However, had the relationship or scenario been different, if they were less than loving, or you couldn’t see them before they passed away, you may experience anger in this situation. In summary, do not believe that anger is an automatic part of unresolved grief.
In today’s blog post, you’ve learned:
the physical ques of anger
what anger is revealing to us
my personal perspective of anger and evil-doers
the role anger plays in our lives
about the energy of anger
why to never assume a griever is angry over a loss
I hope this has offered a perspective on anger you hadn’t considered and that you found it educational. Anger is a broad topic, with many more rabbit hole opportunities to dig into more deeply.
In summary, anger is a valid emotion and is a clue that something isn’t sitting well with our spirit. Rather than let the anger set you on a disempowering and dangerous path, perhaps a better approach is to sit with the anger. Look at it for what it’s revealing to you and ask yourself what you need to do at that moment; that would help release it in a helpful way. This makes me think of scenarios on playgrounds that play out time and time again. There’s the bully and the bullied. And, often (more often than not), it’s both – the bully is often bullied. And, even if the child isn’t bullied in school, what is happening at home? Where the child feels powerless, unheard, or maybe even worse – disregarded or unseen? I must say, if that were you as an adult, you’d be angry, too, wouldn’t you? And, my friend, it bears repeating: adulthood is childhood reenactments. I’m not saying every child who is bullied as a child becomes a bullying adult. But, I would argue that 9 out of 10 times, that adult has unaddressed childhood anger showing up in their life in other ways. Because, at its root, anger is sadness that will always find a way to express itself; somehow, in some way, at some point in time – even if it’s 20 years from now. That’s the sneakiness of anger – and grief.
Sending you love + light. 💛
