Emotions, Grief, Grief Tips, Grieving Voices Podcast, solo episode |
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
RESOURCES:
Early episodes that may interest you…
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NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Navigating Friendships in Times of Grief: Understanding, Communication, and Self-Care
When we face the stormy seas of grief, our friends often serve as anchors—keeping us grounded amidst the tumultuous waves of sorrow. However, it can be disheartening when those we count on seem to drift away just when we need them most. Today at Grieving Voices, let’s explore this delicate dynamic and offer some guidance on how to navigate friendships during times of loss.
The Unpredictable Nature of Support
Grief is a profoundly personal experience that reshapes our world in ways others may not fully comprehend. As much as we hope for unwavering support from friends, their reactions can vary widely. Some may envelop us with empathy and understanding while others might unexpectedly become distant or even disappear.
It’s essential to recognize that each person has unique emotional capacities and life experiences that influence their ability to provide support during such times. For some friends, your grief may evoke unresolved feelings about their own losses; they might fear saying something hurtful or simply feel unequipped to handle the depth of your pain.
Communication: The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
Open communication can be a bridge reconnecting you with friends who seem distant. If you’re up for it, initiate an honest conversation about what you’re going through and express what kind of support would help—whether it’s a listening ear or someone to share memories with.
Conversely, give space for your friends to communicate too—they may have valid reasons for stepping back that are unrelated to your relationship or situation. By fostering dialogue, both parties can gain clarity and find common ground even amidst discomfort.
Managing Expectations: The Compass Guiding Your Emotional Journey
While reaching out is important, managing expectations is equally crucial in maintaining inner peace during these trying times. Not every friend will respond as hoped—and that’s okay—it doesn’t diminish the value they’ve added to your life nor does it lessen your worthiness for support.
Consider expanding your circle by seeking additional forms of assistance like therapy or joining a grief support group where shared experiences foster connection and understanding amongst peers navigating similar paths.
The Evolutionary Dance of Friendship Through Grief
Friendships ebb and flow like tides influenced by life’s changing circumstances—including periods marked by loss. It’s natural for relationships to evolve; some bonds strengthen while others fade into memory’s backdrop—a bittersweet part of life’s journey.
In this dance with change comes an opportunity for self-discovery—you learn more about who shows up when storms hit shorelines unannounced; likewise discovering new depths within yourself capable of weathering solitude if needed before finding community anew.
Handle these shifts with grace—for yourself and those around you—by practicing empathy towards everyone involved including oneself. Remember self-care isn’t selfish—it ensures you’re emotionally available not only for others but vitally so—for yourself first.
As today’s exploration concludes remember—the absence felt from lost connections makes room for growth both within one’s heart-space & social circles alike leading potentially towards deeper more resonant ties ahead.
If today’s insights resonate please consider sharing them across platforms where fellow travelers journey through grief could benefit from solidarity found within shared words spoken here today—or leave thoughts behind via reviews aiding further conversations yet untold across grieving voices everywhere.
Should questions stir within soul-sands untouched reach out directly allowing continued dialogues underpinning future episodes crafted here among collective wisdom gathered together beneath healing skies above all else take care nurture tenderly knowing full well—in releasing heartfelt truths freedom follows suit unlocking boundless possibilities lying dormant awaiting breaths freshened anew much love until next time dear listeners goodbye.
Episode Transcription:
Victoria Volk
00:00:03 – 00:00:16
Hello. Hello. Thank you for tuning in to Grieving Voices. I am your host, Victoria V. And today, we’ll explore a question that many of us may grapple with during times of grief and loss.
Victoria Volk
00:00:17 – 00:01:06
The question we’ll be digging into today is, I am grieving the devastating loss of my sister, among other things, and I feel like some of my friends are becoming distant. Why aren’t they supporting me? So we’re just gonna dive right into the answer for today’s episode, which is about feeling ghosted in your grief, and why some friends might become distant and why they don’t support you. When we experience loss and grief, it can be incredibly challenging to navigate our relationships, particularly with friends. It’s not uncommon to feel a sense of disappointment or confusion when we perceive that our friends are becoming distant or not providing the support that we had hoped for.
Victoria Volk
00:01:06 – 00:01:47
It’s important to remember that everyone processes grief differently. While some friends may naturally step up and offer support, others may struggle to know how to navigate this unfamiliar territory. And remember, a large part of why I created this podcast is to educate because most of us are raised with myths and misinformation about grief. And to learn more about what I mean, I encourage you to check out the first ten episodes of this podcast where I share all about the misinformation about grief we grow up with and bring into adulthood. And with this in mind, it’s helpful to approach these situations with empathy and understanding.
Victoria Volk
00:01:48 – 00:02:33
One possible reason for your friend’s distance could be their own comfort with grief. Society often struggles to openly discuss and address the topic of loss, which can lead to friends feeling ill-equipped or unsure of how to provide support. It’s also possible that they may be avoiding the topic out of fear of saying the wrong thing or making things worse. It could also be bringing up some of their own grief long buried that they may not have given much thought about until lately. To not feel their own pain, they disengage themselves from anything that activates those long ago buried emotions that they just as soon as prefer to forget about.
Victoria Volk
00:02:34 – 00:02:59
Additionally, people have their own lives and challenges they may be facing. It’s important to recognize that your friends may be dealing with their own personal struggles, which could be impacting their ability to offer support at this time. It doesn’t mean they care any less about you. It’s just that they may be managing their own emotional load. Communication is key in navigating these situations.
Victoria Volk
00:03:01 – 00:03:41
It’s important to express your feelings and needs to your friends in a gentle and open manner. Letting them know that you appreciate their friendship and would value their support during this difficult time can help bridge the gap and foster understanding. However, it’s also important to manage your expectations. Not everyone can provide the level of support you desire or need. It’s essential to seek out additional sources of support, such as support groups, therapy, or other individuals who have experienced similar losses or who have the capacity to hold space for you and the however you feel you need.
Victoria Volk
00:03:42 – 00:04:17
These resources can provide the understanding and validation you may be seeking. And lastly, it’s crucial to remember that friendships evolve and change over time. While it can be painful to see a sense of distance from friends during times of grief, it’s possible that these changes are a natural part of the ebb and flow of relationships. This doesn’t mean that the friendship is over or that it’s reflection of your worth. It’s simply a reminder that friendships, like people, are dynamic and subject to change.
Victoria Volk
00:04:19 – 00:05:03
In conclusion, if you feel like some of your friends are becoming distant and not providing the support you desire, it’s important to approach the situation again with empathy, understanding, and open communication. Recognize that everyone process their grief differently and that your friends may be dealing with their own challenges. And seeking out additional sources of support and being open to the evolution of friendships over time can help ease the pain of those relationships changing. So that concludes today’s episode, short, sweet, and to the point. I hope this discussion has provided some insights and guidance as you navigate the complexities of friendship during times of grief.
Victoria Volk
00:05:04 – 00:05:35
If you found it helpful, I’d be so grateful if you shared it or took a minute to leave a review or rate it on Apple Itunes or a quick star rating on Spotify as this helps others see that this podcast is worth a listen and for others to find it as well. Additionally, please reach out if you have any further questions or topics you’d like me to explore. I thank you for joining me, and until next time, take care, and remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Educational, Emotions, Grief Tips, Grieving Voices Podcast, Pespective, Podcast, solo episode |
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Today’s episode of GrievingVoices takes a deep dive into the complex emotion of anger, especially for us Human Design Manifestor-types navigating loss and trauma. I open up about my battle with anger following life’s curveballs and how it can be misunderstood or mishandled.
As someone who has walked through the fire of personal loss and trauma, I’ve learned firsthand how anger can be both destructive and transformative. It’s not just an outburst; it’s a signal calling us to introspection.
Why does this affect me so deeply?
What boundaries have been crossed?
Many turn to short-term fixes or STERBs (short-term energy-relieving behaviors) like anger to cope with grief. But these are merely band-aids on deeper emotional wounds. The key lies in processing anger constructively. This isn’t about suppressing emotions but rather understanding them—identifying what needs protection or restoration within ourselves before we react impulsively.
Key Takeaways:
-Anger should prompt introspection rather than projection onto others.
-Short-term coping mechanisms like STERBs provide temporary relief but do not address underlying emotional pain.
– Constructive processing of anger involves self-protection and restoration efforts.
– Emotional intelligence grows through understanding our reactions and setting healthy boundaries.
Establishing clear boundaries emerged as another critical theme. The absence of boundary-setting skills during childhood can lead to adult challenges such as unchecked anger. To navigate this complex terrain, the book “Boundaries” is recommended for those seeking guidance on creating and implementing boundaries.
Engagement with our emotions in real-time fosters balance and wellness. Tools like visualization and mindful breathing are practical strategies for dissipating anger without confrontation. We pave the way toward transformative life changes by embracing self-awareness and actively managing our emotions.
Join me in embracing self-awareness and mastering emotional management as pathways toward transforming our lives after loss.
RESOURCES:
Episode Sponsor: Magic Mind | Use the code “GRIEVINGVOICES” to receive one month free with a 3-month subscription. This special promotion is only for January!
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Navigating the Stormy Seas of Grief: Understanding and Managing Anger
Grief is an ocean of emotion, vast and unpredictable. For many who have lost a loved one or experienced significant life changes, anger can be a tempestuous wave that crashes over them without warning. On today’s episode of “Grieving Voices,” hosted by myself from theunleashedheart.com, I delve deep into this fiery aspect of grief.
As not an only advanced grief recovery method specialist but also as someone who has weathered my own storms of loss. With over three decades under my belt navigating personal grieving experiences—including the loss of my father—I bring both professional insight and heartfelt empathy to our discussion on dealing with anger in grief.
Why Does Anger Manifest in Grief?
Anger during grief often arises from a place within us that feels violated; it may stem from feelings of injustice or powerlessness following a loss. It’s important to recognize that anger isn’t inherently negative—it’s a natural response to pain and can signal areas where we require healing or change.
However, when misunderstood or repressed, anger becomes unhealthy. It festers like an untreated wound, leading potentially to bitterness or even physical ailments due to the stress it imposes on our bodies.
The Pitfalls of Short-Term Energy Relieving Behaviors (STERBs)
In trying times, grievers might turn towards behaviors such as outbursts of rage—or STERBs—to momentarily alleviate their suffering. While these actions might offer temporary solace by releasing pent-up energy, they do little for long-term emotional well-being.
The real challenge lies in confronting what remains emotionally unresolved within us—the core issues beneath the surface-level expressions of distress—and addressing those directly.
Establishing Healthy Boundaries
A key factor contributing to feelings like resentment is poor boundary setting—a topic all too familiar for many individuals brought up without an understanding of healthy personal limits. Without clear boundaries, you may find yourself slipping into roles that don’t serve you well: becoming overly accommodating at your expense (people-pleasing) or struggling with asserting your needs effectively (difficulty saying no).
For those eager to learn more about establishing healthier interpersonal dynamics—which can significantly reduce instances where anger stems from feeling taken advantage of—I recommend reading the book *Boundaries* which provides profound insights into this critical skill set for maintaining emotional health.
Embracing Your Emotional Compass
As we wrap up today’s conversation on “Grieving Voices,” remember that each emotion carries its message—one worth listening to if we are brave enough to face it head-on. Whether through acknowledging our hurt openly instead of masking it behind aggression or learning how to better manage stressful situations using tools like Magic Mind—we must strive toward understanding ourselves deeper.
In facing these challenging emotions related specifically to sadness & fury associated with w/losses big & small alike, let’s take heart in my closing mantra: Unleash your heart so you may unleash your life! Share this podcast episode if it resonates with you & continue spreading compassion simply by being “a heart with ears.”
Episode Transcription:
Victoria Volk
00:01:29 – 00:01:51
Hello friends. Welcome to another episode of Grieving Voices if you’ve been listening all along. Today is episode 179, and that seems crazy to say.
Victoria Volk
00:01:51 – 00:02:16
This is the 179th time that I’m sitting down to record for you. And what a blessing and what a ride it’s been, and so thank you for being here. And if this is your first time listening, I hope you come back for another episode. Today, I wanna talk about anger. And the question is, that a lot of grievers have.
Victoria Volk
00:02:18 – 00:03:19
It’s something that I’ve personally struggled with a lot of my life. And, you know, in learning about human design and being a manifestor, our not self theme as a manifestor is anger. And so every time, you know, when I reflect on my past and my life up to this point, there’s a lot of moments where I can distinctly remember where my anger got the best of me. And particularly with a grieving experience, you know, after my dad had passed away and then being molested, a year later and subsequently, later after that, I was holding a lot of anger in my body. There was no way for me to channel it.
Victoria Volk
00:03:19 – 00:03:47
And actually, it wasn’t really an emotion that I learned was healthy. You know, so many of us grew up in homes where anger is expressed but yet we’re shamed for it or, it’s like something to keep to yourself. Right?, like, it’s, you know, don’t express it to other people because, I mean, it’s hurt it can be hurtful too. Right?
Victoria Volk
00:03:47 – 00:04:46
Like anger projected onto other people can Inflict emotional wounds on others. We can be very, what’s the word? Victimizing of others with our anger, and also, we’re also suffering when we do that because I believe that we are all sparks of love and light, and, you know, we come into this world in love, and I believe we go out of this world in love and so I would say anger is a not love theme too for all of us, but it’s there to serve a purpose, I believe, as well. Anger shows us where we have some work to do on ourselves. Not where other people need to work on themselves or where other people need to heal something within us.
Victoria Volk
00:04:47 – 00:05:30
I think when anger comes up, it is like a stop sign like, woah, hold the bus. Why is this upsetting me? Why do I feel activated by you or this conversation or this thing you did or the feelings that I’m feeling, why am I feeling fired up inside? Why am I feeling passionate about this that, you know, it can come up as anger too when we feel like this injustice is being done or I mean, there’s plenty of that around the world right now, and we can feel angry about it. We can feel angry at God for the suffering that we experience in our lives, like I was for many years.
Victoria Volk
00:05:32 – 00:06:03
Why would God allow such, you know, things to happen. Why would God take a young child’s parent away? Why would God allow sexual abuse of children. There’s so many questions that come up within our grief and our trauma, and the anger can be so overwhelming and all consuming. We have nowhere to put it.
Victoria Volk
00:06:03 – 00:06:52
We don’t know what to do with it. And I can’t talk about anger without talking about STERBS or short term energy relieving behaviors, which is what we call them in grief recovery. These are things that we do as gravers to relieve or dispel this overwhelming build up of emotional energy that is caused by the death of a person for whom we are grieving or something someone did to us. And the problem with STERBs is that that’s their short-term. There’s no long-term relief when we just use up energy to distract ourselves from our pain.
Victoria Volk
00:06:53 – 00:07:23
It doesn’t make the pain go away. And one of the most common short-term relievers is anger. And the problem with anger is that you can never finish or complete it. It’s like this key it keeps looping like a hamster on a wheel. And the more time you spend using your energy to express the anger, you know, and lashing out to the other person or even taking it to the gym.
Victoria Volk
00:07:23 – 00:08:08
Right?, And just was going to town on a on a punching bag, the less time you spend on what would help you discover and resolve what was left emotionally unfinished for you, either by the death of a loved one or by not addressing what is really at the crux of whatever loss it is that you experienced. And the other issues, with STERBS, we can, you know, related to sterbs and anger is, you know, we want we wanna get rid of that anger. We don’t know what to do with it. We wanna get rid of it, but so what we do is we just kind of attempt to disassociate ourselves from it.
Victoria Volk
00:08:08 – 00:08:44
Like, I just need to get away from the situation. I just need to try and forget about it. And so we start, we might actually slip into these other these other emotions come into play. Right? And then we can feel depressed about where we are in our situation, and we might be sleeping more and spending endless hours watching TV or reading novels that help us escape from our day to day lives and our emotions that we’re experiencing such as strong emotions of anger and, of course, grief.
Victoria Volk
00:08:45 – 00:09:33
But those nonaction activities do nothing to help you discover and complete what is emotionally unfinished for you? It’s with action that you can turn things around. Being able to find the language and articulate what it is that you are angry about. And often, so often, anger shows us, and doing the the steps of grief recovery show us where we don’t have boundaries or where a boundary has been violated. Before we get on the topic of boundaries, I have a shout-out for my sponsor of this episode, Magic Mind.
Victoria Volk
00:09:33 – 00:10:15
You take it alongside your usual morning coffee or tea for 7 plus hours of flow. It benefits will build up with consecutive daily use, and most people feel 90% of the effects by day 3. And if you have a sensitive stomach, you can take it with a bit of food or a glass of water. And if matcha taste is not for you, you can try it with your favorite milk or add it to sparkling water. I personally enjoy the taste of Magic Mind, I think it’s got just a hint of a sweet taste in this little 2 ounce shot, but it’s filled with magical twelve active ingredients scientifically proven to provide sustainable energy, improve focus, and decrease stress and anxiety.
Victoria Volk
00:10:16 – 00:10:40
One shot gets you into your most productive flow state. Customers report a 40% boost to productivity on average. They say athletes have gatorade and now creators have creator aid. And so I just wanna give a shout out to them. And if you are listening to this and you wanna give it a try, they have a special promotion right now for my listeners only in January.
Victoria Volk
00:10:41 – 00:11:15
You get 1 month for free when you subscribe for 3 months at the go to the website, magicmind.com/jangrievingvoices. That’s magicmind.com/jangrievingvoices and use my code grieving voices, and that gets you an extra 20% off, which gets you to a total of 75% off. And remember, this only lasts until the end of January, so hurry up before this offer goes away. And I hope that you find it just as useful for you as I have in my morning routine. Alright.
Victoria Volk
00:11:15 – 00:11:52
Back to the episode and talking about boundaries. Alright. So far, we’ve talked about anger as being a stirr up, a short-term energy relieving behavior. And I’ve mentioned how when anger arises within ourselves and we feel it coming up in our body and rising up, it’s usually in response to something someone did or something someone said or something that we’re really activated by. It could be something even we’re passionate about, maybe even in injustice in the world, and when we feel this coming up within us, it’s coming up for to be in within our awareness.
Victoria Volk
00:11:53 – 00:13:31
And, really, the question we could be asking ourselves when we are feeling anger is, a, what must be protected, and b, What must be restored? These are two questions you can ask yourself when you’re feeling activated with anger. And you can choose to either respond to the other person if they’ve said or done something towards you, but really that’s not going to resolve anything that will probably make that other person just feel defensive and, you know, unless they’re emotionally intelligent and have worked so much on themselves and have addressed so much anger in their life, they’re likely to respond like most of society would respond, and that would be in a defensive pattern, with probably more anger back towards you. And then not only is it something that you’re angry about what they just said or did, but now It’s even severed that relationship or hindered or wounded that relationship even more. So we deepen these wounds when we don’t stop long enough to think about and have some introspection about why we’re angry and what is it that is bringing up so much disease within us, this fiery response that we feel in every cell of our our bodies that, you know, we feel like we just gotta punch something or we want to we have to like we have to do something with this activated energy.
Victoria Volk
00:13:32 – 00:14:24
And so we can either move it physically or you can move it with your mind. Right?, like, energetically. Like, I’ve learned a lot about this just in the energetics of emotions and The energy healing work that I’ve been doing and for my personal my own personal emotional hygiene is we can our minds are amazing, miraculous things and a tool that is sorely underestimated, but because we give it so much power that in circumstances like these when we’re feeling angry and it’s like poop, the monkey mind just takes over and we have this initial response and we don’t pause long enough to and we don’t pause long enough to check-in with our emotional body. And it is our emotional body responding to, like I said, these a boundary or something that needs to be protected or something that needs to be restored.
Victoria Volk
00:14:24 – 00:15:15
And so asking ourselves those questions can lead us to better answers. And so if you want to you can either physically move that energy with your mind or your body and then through your breath, which is underestimated as well. Like, we can you can take your your mind through this mental process of putting imagine when you feel activated by someone or something, imagine this fiery energy just surrounding you. Feel feel imagine yourself as like this flame and allowing it to intensify, allowing those emotions to intensify this flame that you’re feeling, it seems counterintuitive, but just stay with me. So you feel this energy building up and this the fire within you and this boundary fire.
Victoria Volk
00:15:15 – 00:15:31
Right? Like, it let’s let’s think of it as active energy. Right? Because again, what needs to be protected? There’s something within you that is being activated because there’s a boundary being dishonored in some way.
Victoria Volk
00:15:31 – 00:15:52
You know, maybe it was you’re bound you’re maybe you value honesty, and this person just lied to you. That’s gonna activate some anger within you, don’t you think? Like, if that’s a real high value for you. And the thing is honesty, and we talk about this in Youmap when we talk about values. Honesty is a reciprocal value.
Victoria Volk
00:15:52 – 00:16:20
We expect that other people are going to be honest. It’s a typical reciprocal value, and so when others aren’t honest with us, we get activated with anger. And so a response to that could be not spewing anger back at the person, but taking that energy and letting it just kinda rise up within you, see your energy field putting up this protective. This protective wall. Not a wall.
Victoria Volk
00:16:22 – 00:16:46
Barrier. We’ll call it a barrier. Protective barrier around you. And see that energy building up, and then you can do it in your mind, or you can really walk away from the situation and do this or reflect on it later and do this on the situation. But through your breath, put out that fire.
Victoria Volk
00:16:46 – 00:17:08
Like, imagine you’re, like, spitting water on this fire, And you can literally dissolve that anger that you felt in that moment that is built up within you, that you’re feeling this energy. Put it out with your breath, but imagine that breath as water because what does oxygen do? It stokes a fire. Right? We wanna put it out.
Victoria Volk
00:17:08 – 00:17:53
So imagine you’re just blowing water onto this fire, this flame. It’s crazy how these visualizations can shift your energetic body in a matter of moments. The mind is so capable that we underestimate it so much. A visual I use a lot of visualizations in the energy work that I do just because it helps people connect to a part of themselves they don’t normally connect to. We just don’t take that, and that’s where meditation is huge in disconnecting, you know, our monkey mind from our body and tapping into the body and tapping into the emotional body.
Victoria Volk
00:17:54 – 00:18:48
So then after we’ve done this, we can then recognize what are the boundaries that were being violated we’re dishonored. I think it’s so hard for people to articulate what their boundaries are because so many of us grew up without our autonomy, without our boundaries being respected, for example, let’s say you’re at a family function. Let’s say when you were a kid, you’re at a family function, and I see this I’ve seen this myself a lot. And at first, I did this when my kids were young too. Oh, give so and so a hug, or let grandma give you a hug and kiss on the cheek, or whatever the case was, and they didn’t want that physical touch in that moment and said no, or I don’t want to give grandma a hug, or I don’t want to give my uncle a hug, or aunt, or whoever it is, it doesn’t matter.
Victoria Volk
00:18:49 – 00:19:15
And the child says no, and the parent dishonors that no, and makes them do that anyway, that is a violation of a boundary that a child had and where their no wasn’t respected. Now if you’re listening to this and you’re like, oh my gosh. This happened to me all the time Think about if you’re a parent, have you done this? Like, this is something we learn.
Victoria Volk
00:19:15 – 00:19:50
Right? This is a pattern that we continue through time, but we don’t think of these things as laying a foundation of not respecting our own boundaries. So then you become an adult who becomes a people pleaser to make others so others feel better. So it’s almost as if, well, go give grandma a hug now because she’ll feel better. She’ll be happier, regardless of how you feel about it.
Victoria Volk
00:19:50 – 00:20:21
Now how does this translate as an adult? Saying yes when you mean no. It’s a violation of your own boundary of protecting your personal space. And sometimes you might feel just fine giving the hug or showing the other person affection, but maybe there’s a moment where you don’t. The last thing anybody wants is to be forced to do so and to not have our no respected.
Victoria Volk
00:20:22 – 00:21:21
And so then when you think about sexual abuse or things like that, well, that’s a definite violation of personal space and safety and all of these other things that create these traumatic emotional wounds around boundaries. So many of us don’t wouldn’t know a boundary if it slapped us in the face. And then when we have others in our lives who start having this awareness around boundaries, who know themselves well, and who know their needs and desires and where they draw the line well and start implementing boundaries to others and communicating those, what do you think people are met with boundaries? Or when it’s perceived as well, what’s this change about? Like, what when you start Implementing boundaries in your life?
Victoria Volk
00:21:21 – 00:21:30
You’re gonna have people that are gonna be activated by that. Right? You’re changed. There’s something different. I don’t like this.
Victoria Volk
00:21:31 – 00:21:58
Why aren’t you letting me walk all over you like you used to? Right? I used to be able to control you, and now, you have these boundaries and now you’re standing up for yourself and I don’t know what to do with this. This makes me angry. So we can meet anger too just by creating boundaries, and how are we gonna be prepared for that?
Victoria Volk
00:21:59 – 00:22:42
When it comes to boundaries, I highly recommend The book “Boundaries”, I’ve actually it’s been several years since I’ve read it, but, I think I’m going to actually, read it again. I actually, I read it after I went through grief recovery. Because like I said, it’s a great follow-up to grief recovery because you realize in grief recovery where you did not have boundaries and where your parents did not teach you about boundaries because, you know, they probably didn’t even have their own. Right? It’s like, you know, parents with a date night if parents never have a date night, and they’re always with their children 247.
Victoria Volk
00:22:42 – 00:22:55
And then, all of a sudden, they decide they’re gonna have a date night. What do you think that child’s gonna feel? Maybe some anger? Maybe some abandonment. Like, why are you doing this now?
Victoria Volk
00:22:55 – 00:23:14
I want you to stay with me. You’ve always been with me. Now all of a sudden you’re gonna go out and you’re gonna spend time alone, and I’m gonna be here by myself or with this babysitter, and it’s probably gonna bring him some anger. But that’s a good thing. This is how we learn how to work with our emotions, that all emotions are valid.
Victoria Volk
00:23:14 – 00:23:49
So it’s not to say to the child, well, there’s nothing to be angry about, and dismiss the anger. Rather, explain to the child about boundaries. Rather, teach the child how to breathe through their anger, how to channel it physically or, you know, with their breath or physically with their body to rid themselves of that energy. These are practical things that we just are never taught in school. Right?
Victoria Volk
00:23:49 – 00:24:11
About boundaries, about anger, about our emotions. I mean, we are so complex when it comes to our emotions. This stuff isn’t taught in school. So I hope you check into the resource, the book boundaries. It has a little bit of a Christian spin, but it’s not like shoved down your throat or anything.
Victoria Volk
00:24:12 – 00:25:28
But I hope you check out that book Boundaries., I will link to it in the show notes. And Just one final thought about anger is that and just like grief, you cannot relate to another person, if you don’t know who you are or where you began and that other person ends, just as you cannot nurture peace or honor the needs of others until you understand and meet your own needs. And that relates to anger, that relates to grief, and that relates to just any emotion that you’re experiencing and the boundaries that you may or may not have. And I think that’s been I think that’s one of my missions too, along with changing the conversation around grief and talking about it like we talk about the weather is the mission of knowing yourself, understanding yourself, and putting yourself in the way of resources and people and tools and maybe guides or therapists or modalities that can get you closer to knowing yourself, identifying your emotional climate when it comes up, whether it be, well, this is grief, or this is anger, and what do you do with it?
Victoria Volk
00:25:28 – 00:25:54
You know, you can run away from it. It’s gonna come up eventually, or you can just you can face it. You can address it, and you can do something about it. So it doesn’t impact your life moving forward, because how many times have you had an anger outburst or an interaction with somebody that it left you feeling angry after. And you’re thinking about it days later.
Victoria Volk
00:25:54 – 00:26:19
Days later. That’s no good for you. That’s no good for anybody. You know, so then you have these this emotional incompleteness with this other person now, and it’s almost like this contract of anger that you have with this person, and I’m here to say that you can blow that up. You can do something about it without having to confront them.
Victoria Volk
00:26:20 – 00:26:35
And you can do it with your mind. You can do it with visualization. You can do it with writing and burn it. There are ways we can physically move through the emotions that are there for a reason. They are there communicating with you.
Victoria Volk
00:26:35 – 00:27:12
It is your body communicating with you, whether it’s grief, whether it’s anger, joy, sadness, everything in between. There are resource resources out there. You just gotta look for them and be open to learning. And that’s what I will leave you with today. I hope you are curious now about the book “Boundaries” and about what boundaries might you not have and might you need and learning more about, you know, really just emotional equilibrium.
Victoria Volk
00:27:13 – 00:27:56
Right? It’s not about stuffing down, controlling, or disregarding or minimizing or running away from, you know, we faith when you face this stuff as it arises, not like, oh, I’ll deal with that later once I get this, that, and the other thing done, or I’ll deal with that later once I just sit down and have a drink. That’s not gonna help you, my friend. Your mind is a miraculous tool and a thing that I think most of us waste in a lot of ways. So, yeah, I’m just sharing some things that I’ve learned along the way, and I hope you find it helpful.
Victoria Volk
00:27:56 – 00:28:25
And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Emotions, Energy, Grieving Voices Guest, Grieving Voices Podcast, Miscarriage, Parenting, Podcast, Pregnancy & Infant Loss |
Mandy Capehart | The Integration of Grief and Restoration of Self
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
In this week’s heartfelt episode, we dive into the complexities of grief with my special guest, Mandy Capehart – a trauma-informed certified grief educator and somatic embodiment life coach.
Mandy shares her journey through grief, which led her to establish the Restorative Grief Project, an online community dedicated to supporting grievers and those who stand by them. Her book, “Restorative Grief: Embracing Our Losses Without Losing Ourselves,” is a blend of memoir and practical guidebook that offers insight into managing loss.
We touch on topics like:
- The universality of experiencing loss
- Moving beyond minimizing pain
- Navigating uncertainty in times of sorrow
- How our upbringing shapes our understanding of grief
Mandy also delves into how COVID-19 has highlighted the need for greater ‘grief literacy’ – acknowledging that you don’t need death as a reason to grieve. She emphasizes validating experiences rather than dismissing them and discusses how she uses storytelling as a tool for connection and healing.
Moreover, Mandy opens up about personal losses such as miscarriages, providing raw insights into the emotional turmoil they entail while calling out common misconceptions surrounding them.
This episode is not just about dealing with grief but learning from it, embracing vulnerability, and engaging in deeper conversations instead of hiding behind social niceties or sugarcoated interactions.
This conversation provides solace and guidance for anyone grappling with loss or seeking ways to support others in their grieving process.
Key Takeaway:
Grief isn’t solely triggered by death; it encompasses various forms of personal loss and change. The conversation challenges us to confront cultural tendencies that often minimize these experiences or avoid deep discussions.
Mandy’s insights remind us that grieving is not just an emotional process but one that touches every fiber of our being – physically, mentally, and spiritually.
Your story matters. Your pain deserves recognition. And together, we can find pathways toward restoration.
RESOURCES:
CONNECT:
Episode Sponsor: Magic Mind | Use the code “GRIEVINGVOICES” to receive one month free with a 3-month subscription. This special promotion is only for January!
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk
00:00:00 – 00:00:16
Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices., If this is your first time listening, welcome., And if you are returning and listening again, thank you for coming back. Today, my guest is Mandy Capehart. She is a trauma-informed certified grief educator and somatic embodiment life coach.
Victoria Volk
00:00:17 – 00:00:47
She’s an author, speaker, and master mindset coach located in the Pacific Northwest. She is the founder of the Restorative Grief Project, an online community of grievers and grief supporters looking for movement while they heal. Her own experience with grief left her searching for resources while offering empathetic long term support without minimizing the pain of the moment. When she found nothing, she created it for herself and for you. Her first book is Titled Restorative Grief, Embracing Our Losses Without Losing Ourselves was released in 2021.
Victoria Volk
00:00:48 – 00:01:19
And this is a memoir and a 31-day guidebook for managing grief and growth in the aftermath of loss, no matter how long it lasts. You can hear more about her work on her podcast, Restorative Grief with Mandy Capehart, or consider working with her 1 on 1 on her website. She has all the resources and I will put those links in the show notes. And she’s a storyteller through and through and always in pursuit of adventure, grace, and opportunities to express gratitude. No matter the medium, her work revolves around learning how to honor our process of becoming.
Victoria Volk
00:01:19 – 00:01:29
She currently lives in Southern Oregon with her husband, daughter, Border Collie Rescue Pup and way too many houseplants. Thank you so much for being here. I too have way too many houseplants. I am told.
Mandy Capehart
00:01:29 – 00:01:43
I know., Right. I mean, I loved houseplants before the pandemic, but it was an easy hobby for me. I think I was up to, like, 95 at one point before I just said, this is a problem. I don’t wanna just let these die, but I also don’t know what to do.
Mandy Capehart
00:01:43 – 00:01:51
And so we’re down to probably a solid 40 now. We’ve recovered. They didn’t die. They were lovingly rehomed, but yeah,
Victoria Volk
00:01:51 – 00:02:05
I have not counted mine, but I know it’s not 40, but I went from like 0 to just kind of like an obsession. I just kept buying and kept buying. Oh, I need another plant. I need another plant.
Mandy Capehart
00:02:05 – 00:02:24
Well, we needed the dopamine. We needed the immediate gratification of something beautiful in our home. We can justify it because plants clarify the air and there are so many collect. It’s like, you know, us elder millennials are, like, barely on the cusp of when Pokemon was, like, practically Introduced. We gotta catch them all.
Mandy Capehart
00:02:24 – 00:02:31
We have to collect every variety of Echeveria that exists. And until then, I will not be satisfied.
Victoria Volk
00:02:32 – 00:02:35
I know it’s like people walk in, welcome to the jungle.
Mandy Capehart
00:02:35 – 00:02:39
Yeah, exactly. It was very, humid in our home for a while.
Victoria Volk
00:02:40 – 00:02:53
I bet. But you know what?, Like you said, it puts oxygen in the air. And when especially living in, like, a rainy climate like yourself or like a snowy cold climate like I where I live and dry. I need all the nature inside.
Mandy Capehart
00:02:53 – 00:02:56
I can get everything I can. Yes. That’s right.
Victoria Volk
00:02:57 – 00:03:18
So we’re not talking about houseplants today. But if we were I’m sure there’s a podcast for that there’s a podcast for everything. That’s right. But today we’re talking about grief, which fortunately for you and I is becoming much more talked about and the work that we were doing. And I think COVID but a huge spotlight on that for everybody.
Victoria Volk
00:03:19 – 00:03:44
Like, hey, nobody has to die for you to grieve. Right? And so I guess let’s, I really want to start out with kind of your origin story as to what led you into the work that you’re doing today, because I know firsthand for myself and everyone that I’ve talked to on this podcast for every guest I’ve had, their work is really born out of their story. So where would you like to begin?
Mandy Capehart
00:03:45 – 00:04:35
Yeah, we’ve got this legacy as wounded healers. And when we get to that
point of recognizing where the needle moved for us, we can start to develop a way to, offer it to others. And so for me, I don’t remember a time in my life that I didn’t have some form of grief event, whether it was a person dying, a person moving away, divorce, relationship loss, illness. There was always something or someone leaving my world, my circle of influence. And so I, as a young person, did what we all do and stuffed it down and became very outwardly loud and big and vivacious and tried to live a very happy, playful life because I didn’t have the tools to navigate the loss I was experiencing.
Mandy Capehart
00:04:35 – 00:05:08
And that’s not to say that my parents didn’t know what they were doing because in a lot of ways they did, but at the same time, they were also very young when they had me. And so as we all experienced these losses together, including their, divorce when I was pretty young, I think I was 9. It doesn’t It just didn’t translate until I was older. And so, instead of giving you a list all the people I’ve lost in stories, I’m just gonna jump ahead because when my mom died in 2016, this month, it’ll be 7 years, I think. That right?
Mandy Capehart
00:05:08 – 00:05:30
Good math. It was pretty sudden. It was after after a few months of cancer treatment and unexpected, illness on top of that. And so I spent the next 4 years quitting everything I knew. I stepped down from being a worship leader of 16 years at my church.
Mandy Capehart
00:05:30 – 00:06:15
I pulled away from the career, I almost became a youth pastor so that I could move closer to being near her. It would have been the absolute worst position for me and all the children would have like perished under my anger because I was in so much pain, but I was willing to do anything to try and get close to her while she was going through, treatment. And I’m very grateful that didn’t happen. But I realized in 2020 when January started, I was starting the year with a miscarriage with the anniversary of losing my mom with a job loss and with a former employer, spreading gossip about me. And so I was in, like, trauma city all by myself.
Mandy Capehart
00:06:15 – 00:06:32
And then I’m starting to hear on the news about COVID and pandemics, and I became really guarded and angry about it. Like, hey, guys. 2020 is my year to have a mess. Everybody get it together. And in March, when our school shut down and I lost another job, I realized this is not the world I can live in.
Mandy Capehart
00:06:32 – 00:07:17
I cannot live in a world where there are going to be generations of untended grief and a complete lack of understanding and brief literacy. So I started writing my story down. That was where the book came from, over the course of a couple months, I just went through everything that I had experienced that was encouraging and positive to me, both within the of my faith and without it looking for pathways forward that were relatable to others, that could be relatable. Not just like this is what worked for me. So it will work for you, but creating more of an invitation into exploring what might be possible through these different methods of approaching our grief and ourselves differently.
Mandy Capehart
00:07:17 – 00:08:02
And as the book was finished, there was a wildfire in our town that destroyed 25100 homes. So I got firsthand an opportunity to not only share this work of my heart and to connect with people I knew who lost their homes and were now survivors of this wildfire. There were 3 people who died as well, but I also took that into this idea of what if I became a coach around the idea of what it means to grieve and to survive. And so I took my my personal background, my educational background, and poured it all into this, practice that I’ve built. And it just has transformed everything I expected my life to become.
Mandy Capehart
00:08:02 – 00:08:09
I always knew I’d be a writer. Right? We always have those threads. I always knew I’d be a writer. I’m very, people driven.
Mandy Capehart
00:08:09 – 00:08:29
So I always knew I’d be working with people. I never expected that I’d be working as a grief and trauma educator, showing up for people in their worst moments and sitting with them through the enormity of it. So that’s my quickest way to describe why I decided grief and death were the things I wanted to talk about all day long.
Victoria Volk
00:08:30 – 00:08:38
Kind of similar to my story. Started very young. How old were you when you had your first loss that you can recall?
Mandy Capehart
00:08:42 – 00:08:58
I mean, I was probably that I can recall would be my great grandmother. My grandparents are all I mean, every generation is at 10, 20 years, 19 to 20 years of each other. So I knew all of my great grandparents., Wow. And a couple of my great great grandparents.
Mandy Capehart
00:09:00 – 00:09:16
Wow. I’m sorry. It was my great great grandmother, Selma, who died when I was 3. And I have memories of sitting in her kitchen and being with her and having her read to me. And that I would say that would probably be the earliest loss I can recall.
Mandy Capehart
00:09:16 – 00:09:23
And at that age, what do you know? You’re 3 and great grandma great great grandma’s almost just not around anymore. We don’t have framework for it. But,
Victoria Volk
00:09:25 – 00:09:37
Yeah. Do you know what’s fascinating though? By age 3, we have learned 75% of our of our awarenesses of how to respond to life.
Mandy Capehart
00:09:37 – 00:09:40
Right? It’s wild. Like it’s in there’s
Victoria Volk
00:09:40 – 00:09:53
no conscious, conscious recollection and hindsight about that. But yeah. By that, we’re sponges. So how young were your parents when they had you?
Mandy Capehart
00:09:53 – 00:10:00
I think my mom was 20, 21. My dad was 24. Sounds right.
Victoria Volk
00:10:01 – 00:10:06
And you knew your great, great grandparents? Yeah. Wow. That’s fascinating. Yeah.
Victoria Volk
00:10:06 – 00:10:07
Incredible, really.
Mandy Capehart
00:10:07 – 00:10:24
Yeah, I mean, my grandmother is in her eighties now and consistent. Like we’ve stopped correcting people. That is my mom. We just don’t correct anyone because people assume it is my mom because the age range makes sense.
Mandy Capehart
00:10:24 – 00:10:31
Right? And with my aunts, people assume that we’re sisters and I’m just like, you can have it. Take it. Like, sure. We’re sisters.
Mandy Capehart
00:10:31 – 00:10:41
It doesn’t bother me. It’s who cares? But it’s interesting the way that we perceive age gaps. That’s a whole other conversation, but anyway. Yeah.
Mandy Capehart
00:10:41 – 00:10:42
Young family.
Victoria Volk
00:10:42 – 00:10:58
What did you find yourself saying the most during COVID, to others? What was the story that was playing in your head over and over as you were kind of reflecting on your losses, as you’re writing your book, as you were working with other grievers and talking to other grievers.
Mandy Capehart
00:10:59 – 00:11:55
Yeah. I think a lot of what I experienced personally and also in the stories of others was this pain around being minimized and dismissed. So in my immediate family, I have an immune disorder in our family. And so we were really guarded and absolutely afraid of the unknown and the uncertainty of this pandemic and what would be happening. And we did lose people that we knew and where I would support others and be working with people around the fear of that was invalidating was through validating the stories that they were telling as well and through validating their experiences and helping them to validate and not minimize the enormity of their experiences, their emotions, their sensations in their body, like we as a people, and maybe just this is western culture.
Mandy Capehart
00:11:55 – 00:12:39
I don’t know. Became so quick to justify and minimize our responses for survival so
we could socially still belong or mentally not cave under the pressure of choosing all of these black and white dichotomous opportunities that were handed to us. I feel like there was so much of you’re either with me or you’re against me and, and that in and of itself is a distorted way of thinking, but it’s also such an eliminator of that gray space, that grief exists within. Right? We cannot navigate grief without recognizing it is all gray space.
Mandy Capehart
00:12:39 – 00:13:13
There really is no black and white. And so when I would come up against those black and white thinking patterns in clients and in friends and family members. It was an exercise in, do I wanna do this for a long period of time or is this just the COVID reaction to losing my job and having to pivot and having zero certainty for the foreseeable future. And so it really transformed into this understanding of, oh, no, certainty is the lie. Certainty is the addiction.
Mandy Capehart
00:13:13 – 00:13:32
What does that look like then as a griever and even as a grief professional to help individuals not minimize their fear of certainty or their fear of a lack of certainty, and come to embrace uncertainty and all of its beauty and all of its gray space and all of its opportunity, to find healing.
Victoria Volk
00:13:33 – 00:13:51
What were the lessons that you were taught about grief as you grew up within your family? Like, how did how did that because you had a lot of grief in your life growing up. Yeah. How was that shaped your belief before you knew now what you know. Right?
Victoria Volk
00:13:53 – 00:13:57
Like, what were you taught about grief and how to grieve?
Mandy Capehart
00:13:57 – 00:14:09
You know, not a lot. I think and keeping in mind, like, this is the early nineties. Right? Late eighties, early nineties. We, weren’t necessarily stiff upper lip people.
Mandy Capehart
00:14:10 – 00:14:21
We were very strong back. We can do this, push through it. There’s always a solution. You’ll figure it out. Just keep going kind of people.
Mandy Capehart
00:14:21 – 00:15:05
My dad still to this day says work smart, not hard. And so as a young griever, I can I translated that to It’s hard to grieve, so I will work smart by not grieving and just truly minimize my own experience so that I can do the task in front of me? And I think that that’s a pretty, pretty expected and universal response to grieve as a child, I also think I was watching my parents grieve. And when I was a teenager, I remember having a distinct moment of deciding, oh, my parents are human. So I’m sitting back here angry with them, grieving everything that they’ve gone through, that they’ve put us through trying to survive this ongoing grief experiences that we’re having.
Mandy Capehart
00:15:05 – 00:15:31
And yet I have failed to see them as people as well who are at that time 30. And I think now to when I was 30 and realizing, oh my God, I was no one knew what they were doing. I was a mess at 30. Even for as much as I had figured out, I was a immature trying to just prove that I knew what I was doing and I was valuable in the world. What if my parents were in similar boats?
Mandy Capehart
00:15:31 – 00:16:14
And so I think even grandparents and extended family members had their own opinions about grief. And there were some very strong, religious influences on part of our family, which was, of course, a different layer to how people wanted to navigate grief or not navigated at all., But I feel like it just wasn’t really a conversation to the degree that when my mom died, that following she died right after Christmas, not following Christmas. I went back home for the holidays and remember thinking this is gonna be either a mess or the most restorative experience we could ever have together. Like this is a definitive Christmas gathering.
Mandy Capehart
00:16:14 – 00:16:28
What do I wanna do about it? What do I wanna bring to this family? So the first night I brought bourbon and I got everyone really sick and hungover the next day. And we all pretended we weren’t hungover, which was in retrospect, my favorite thing. We were just like, wow, I don’t feel good.
Mandy Capehart
00:16:28 – 00:16:40
What did we eat yesterday? And I was like, guys, we drank too much bourbon. I don’t know why that’s unclear. Why aren’t we admitting? But that was such a perfect example of like, oh, we’re all grieving as well, and we’re not admitting it.
Mandy Capehart
00:16:40 – 00:16:54
Okay, It opened it up so that I was able to say, hey, this whole denial thing is not serving us. We’ve tried for a year to survive on our own. It does not work. And so now I’m going to start asking you guys some really vulnerable questions.
Mandy Capehart
00:16:55 – 00:17:10
And even if it’s just for me, if you need to believe that you’re answering those questions so that I can heal. That’s fine. But don’t shut down. Don’t pull back. And so it’s really become this family that I mean, still still grieving.
Mandy Capehart
00:17:10 – 00:17:31
Like I said off air, I have an aunt who’s in the hospital right now for cancer and her daughter is in the hospital as well for some medical crisis, that she’s been navigating. And these are not simple, small things. These are not I had a wart removed operations. Right? It’s still a family unit where we can say, this is horrible.
Mandy Capehart
00:17:31 – 00:18:13
How do we survive this? How do we hold each other In the midst of the uncertainty of if we’ll survive it or not, if our family members will be okay. So I think that, lack of grief literacy kind of articulated in my childhood is a big part of why now, despite the discomfort, despite the, pushback I get when I bring it up in certain situations when people just wanna have a good time. I don’t care. I’ve seen the benefit of pushing into those uncomfortable places and teaching both myself and my nervous system, how to remain aligned and resting even amid what feels like a threat to my health and my mental stability.
Mandy Capehart
00:18:13 – 00:18:21
Grief can disrupt all of that. And yet it can also be the doorway into like binding restoration in that area as well.
Victoria Volk
00:18:21 – 00:19:02
The thing I heard you say in I’ll say it how I heard it is that there’s this deep desire to have deeper conversations instead of all that surface level stuff. And, I’ve even found myself, I’ll be out and about mingling in the bar or whatever with friends and I’ll say something and they’ll look at me like, okay. Yeah. That’s, that’s too depressing. They’re kind of like, to be not to be the Debbie downer, but it’s like, let’s, I have friends too where it’s like, I don’t I don’t even know what their dreams are.
Victoria Volk
00:19:02 – 00:19:08
Yeah. But I know if I ask them, it’s like, why are you asking me that? Like, they don’t want to talk about it. Like,
Mandy Capehart
00:19:08 – 00:19:33
Sure. You know, I think often whether they wanna talk about it or they don’t have an answer or they haven’t gotten through the the layer of, but what if it doesn’t workout. But what if I can’t the uncertainty. Right? They their relationship to uncertainty is directly impacted by their desire to control the outcome and control their experiences.
Mandy Capehart
00:19:33 – 00:19:57
And I think those uncomfortable conversations, those deeper conversations are sacred ground. We’re asking someone to step forward and be seen and be known and to not have the answers. And certainly, it’s a collective approach. Right? It’s collective healing that I’m inviting people into when I say, share your deepest, darkest moments with me.
Mandy Capehart
00:19:57 – 00:20:14
Tell me what you’re afraid of, because guess what? You’re not only totally valid and being afraid of that. I’m afraid of that too. But now what do we perceive each other to be less than or weak or an trustworthy? Like, I don’t know.
Mandy Capehart
00:20:14 – 00:20:50
I see that depth and that willingness to be seen as such a a flag of safety. My aunt the other day, a different aunt was telling me how this family member in the hospital is the strongest person that she knows and gave all this evidence. And I responded, it takes one to know one. And I say that because you lost my mom, your sister, you’ve experienced heartache after heartache. And here you are In person, caring for our family members that are in the hospital all by yourself.
Mandy Capehart
00:20:50 – 00:21:13
And while I would, if I could drop everything and come to you, our lives are very different and she has that ability. What does that what does it look like to be supported by me right now? Like, you don’t have to be so strong all the time too. And I think when we can finally tell people that you don’t have to be strong, like you don’t have to keep being strong. I personally hate it when someone’s like, oh my gosh, you’re so strong.
Mandy Capehart
00:21:13 – 00:21:32
And I was like, no. What you see, because you’re not safe for me to not be strong, is the strength. You see the backbone. The soft tender side of me is available to people who aren’t going to disrespect or diminish me. And to be honest, I show that side to a lot of people now, but when I was younger, not so much.
Mandy Capehart
00:21:32 – 00:21:59
And I think being able to just call that tenderness out in people toward themselves, right? Show yourself your tender side. Be honest with how much you’re carrying and let’s see if we can’t offload some of that weight simply by Identifying and addressing it and letting it move through our life and our story and our experiences. So it’s not Debbie Downer to me to bring up like deepest, darkest fears in the bar. That is the moment of vulnerability that I can say, hey.
Mandy Capehart
00:21:59 – 00:22:14
Your walls are down and you’re with safe people, If I’m not a safe person, probably don’t invite me to drinks again, because alcohol is gonna make you say and do things you don’t want me to remind you of the next day. Otherwise, I must be a safe person because I’m here. So let’s just be real. K?
Mandy Capehart
00:22:14 – 00:22:28
Because we’ve got limited time. We don’t know what’s gonna happen tomorrow. Tell me what should tell me what hurts. Let’s talk through it and just bear witness to each other in a way that we’ve been discouraged from doing.
Victoria Volk
00:22:29 – 00:22:38
Yeah. I made sugar cookies recently and I was just thinking, yep. Just like sugarcoating. Just it’s it’s that. I mean, it’s a terrible Yeah.
Victoria Volk
00:22:38 – 00:22:46
Literal sugar coating. That’s what we do. Right. And yeah, like you said, just to get real. Let’s get real.
Victoria Volk
00:22:47 – 00:23:03
I don’t want to gloss over something you said because, I feel like it’s an important lost to talk about because there’s not just you, it’s also your partner involved. But you had, shared that you had lost had a miscarriage.
Mandy Capehart
00:23:04 – 00:23:19
Oh, yeah. I actually don’t know how many miscarriages I’ve had. We got married pretty I was early twenties and our daughter was born when I was 30. And so we had years of infertility. We weren’t trying right away.
Mandy Capehart
00:23:19 – 00:23:51
But when we did start, just years of infertility and the undeniable pain that goes with that is when they come on and say like, oh, we’re not sure why everything about you is normal. I’m like, cool. Except that my body can’t do the one thing that like It was created to do okay. Like all of the uncertainty, every question and, anybody who’s ever experienced infertility knows immediately the question is like, what did I do wrong? What am I doing wrong?
Mandy Capehart
00:23:51 – 00:24:14
Is it because I did x y z. If there’s religious trauma on top of it, there’s all of that blame that comes along from a spiritual side as well. There was so much, built in. And then we so our daughter was born in, 2014 as a miracle. Like she was a surprise and I was terrified the entire pregnancy.
Mandy Capehart
00:24:15 – 00:24:25
And then a few years later, of course, in 2020, on New Year’s Eve, I knew I was pregnant. I looked at my husband. I’m like, I’m pregnant. And he’s like, really? Did you take a test?
Mandy Capehart
00:24:25 – 00:24:41
Are you kidding? That doesn’t make sense. How how do you know? And I was like, no, I just, I have a feeling. And I tested positive a couple of days later and started bleeding a couple of days after that and just sat with it because it was the one I knew about.
Mandy Capehart
00:24:41 – 00:25:23
It was the one I had a test, a positive, Oh my God. Is this really happening? Experience, especially 4 years after losing mom and realizing, like, the hope I had placed in that little pregnancy, it was interesting because I remember feeling very much, and this is similar to how I felt in the week after my mom died, feeling very much that, okay, I can safeguard and bear in mind. This is before I wrote my book or any of the like, started doing any of this work really professionally. I’ve been speaking publicly and leading a small, church in a bar for years up until then.
Mandy Capehart
00:25:23 – 00:26:28
But, and so I talked about loss and grief plenty of times, but this was really a moment where I again decided, okay, I can choose to numb myself and step away from the hope of ever having another baby from the fullness of what this means and what it doesn’t mean, or I can choose to really lean in to both the grief I’m going to experience from this and the stillness I need to heal because it is not a the misunderstanding of what a miscarriage does to a human body is so offensive is the best way I can put it. Like the lack of understanding people have about what actually happens and what you’re experiencing. I had to give myself a lot of permission to be tender and still, and unproductive. I’m extremely busy and productive when you were listing all the things in my bio was like, jeez, I have done so many things. Maybe it’s time to calm down a bit.
Mandy Capehart
00:26:28 – 00:26:44
But, anyway, the sensation even of having the pregnancy and knowing, oh, I’ve got untold number of miscarriages in my past. What do I do? Do I Dream. Do I hope? Do I pretend I’m not pregnant?
Mandy Capehart
00:26:45 – 00:27:02
Do I wait? Do I tell anyone? Do I panic? I chose hope I chose to lean in fully and say, I’m going to imagine our life with another baby. I’m going to lean fully in and completely invest.
Mandy Capehart
00:27:02 – 00:27:26
And so when, the miscarriage began, I had to tell my husband. Yep. I’m going to lean fully into the loss here too. And not just for me, although I will say his ability to support me has often been at the expense of him supporting himself. And that’s a, that’s a whole nother topic of how to help your grieving partner.
Mandy Capehart
00:27:26 – 00:27:43
Right. But it’s been a very healing journey for us to come back together and really talk About what that meant and what it means ongoing. And yeah, miscarriage is a very, very nuanced experience of loss.
Victoria Volk
00:27:43 – 00:27:54
What would you like to say and clarify for people about what you said, how the misconception about miscarriage and what it does to them.
Mandy Capehart
00:27:55 – 00:28:07
Yeah, it’s a good question. I think It comes back to that recognition that we are holistic beings. We are heart, mind, body, spirit. We are not just a body. We are not just a mind.
Mandy Capehart
00:28:07 – 00:28:54
We are not just the emotions that we feel. And when we approach ourselves from a disjointed perspective trying to heal, trying to experience grief. We dismiss the wisdom that we have carried from all of our other experiences into this moment where we could integrate them together and actually experience healing. And so I say that in regards to miscarriage because the emotional impact, the true emotions, the things I’m feeling in my heart, the thoughts I’m thinking about the miscarriage itself, about the loss of my future, about the rationale behind what happened and why about the debate internally. Is it a baby?
Mandy Capehart
00:28:54 – 00:29:03
Is it a fetus? Is it viable? Is it not? What will people say? What will people think like the mental fireworks that are just exploding left and right?
Mandy Capehart
00:29:03 – 00:29:25
And then that piritual side. And, in my framework, there’s sort of grief framework. Spirit refers to that connection to self, to others, relationally to the world, at large. And then if there is a spiritual practice to our sense of higher power. But all of those pieces have to be included, honored, and addressed when we’re healing.
Mandy Capehart
00:29:25 – 00:29:38
And I think with miscarriages, because there have been such again, black and white perspectives discerning. Okay. It’s just a scientific process. I don’t know if you’ve read Becoming Michelle Obama’s first book. It’s beautiful.
Mandy Capehart
00:29:39 – 00:29:50
She tells the story of her miscarriage and she’s very practical. She’s like, it it was just a clump of cells to me. And so and that’s how she moves through it in the book. And I sat with it for a long time because to some degree. Yeah.
Mandy Capehart
00:29:50 – 00:30:19
Totally. Just like not viable outside of me, scientific process. And like I said, I don’t know how many I’ve had. I had such irregular cycles that I’ve probably had multiple. And yet here I am choosing hope on the front of that and saying, if I don’t lean fully in with my emotions, with my mind and with my sense of connection to this little clump of cells, then I may miss out on the fullness of what this experience can be.
Mandy Capehart
00:30:19 – 00:30:57
I think when we discredit people who have babies and who can carry life and put them into this well, and you see this in legislation right now, everywhere. We’ve minimized their personhood as autonomous individuals. We’ve minimized their ability to advocate for themselves, which is because we don’t think it’s important. We don’t see the enormity of what life and giving life and going through all of the steps of that can be. So I think that the misconception of like, oh my gosh, you’ve had a miscarriage.
Mandy Capehart
00:30:57 – 00:31:13
I’ve had some too. That immediate centering of yourself in someone else’s experience when they share with you. Right. When they are real and vulnerable and honest is a reflection of that other person’s discomfort. Like, I’m not comfortable with you telling me that you’re hurting.
Mandy Capehart
00:31:13 – 00:31:25
So I’ll just say I’ve been there. We don’t have to talk about it. I’ve been there too. And that goes to all grief experiences. People center themselves and minimize pain easily.
Mandy Capehart
00:31:25 – 00:32:12
But I think, at the crux of it would be recognizing the individual experience of a miscarriage or infertility or pregnancy loss or child loss. They’re so complicated and nuanced because there’s every day a reminder that you’ve experienced this loss where I can say, oh, man, my memories of my mom come back probably every day in some way or another, or my grandfather or any of these people that I’ve lost. Those come up so differently than the miscarriages do because I have a little girl who’s constantly, she’s backed off now, but begged for a sibling for years every day. And how do you explain to a little girl? Well, mommy can’t.
Mandy Capehart
00:32:12 – 00:32:17
Mommy’s tried. You had one. Kind of. Maybe. I don’t know.
Mandy Capehart
00:32:17 – 00:32:35
And then you spiral again right down that same mental explosion of, I don’t even know how to think about this without hearing the input from judgmental voices and critical voices Oliver. It’s a long way to answer that question, but there’s a lot about it on my mind.
Victoria Volk
00:32:36 – 00:32:45
And you bring up a very good point in that for your daughter. That’s a grieving experience too of not having a sibling. Right? Yep. Maybe that’s a book you could write.
Mandy Capehart
00:32:45 – 00:32:58
Oh, man. The other day she, well, I guess it was a couple of years ago. I found a piece of paper she’d written on that said reminder, biggest reminder of your life. She was probably 6 or 7. Mom is willing to adopt a baby sister.
Mandy Capehart
00:32:58 – 00:33:13
And I was like, oh, child. Again, like, immune disorder, constant treatment happening in our house. So our lives are not simple. Adoption would not not that that’s simple, but no easy path forward on it. It was pretty hard to read that.
Mandy Capehart
00:33:13 – 00:33:37
And then fast forward a couple of years the other day, she was saying to a friend, hey, guess what? I’m an only child, so you should come to my house because we can do anything and there’s no one taking our toys. We don’t have to include any siblings. And I just thought, thank God she’s embracing the positive because I was not an only child and yet we were years apart. And so it felt a lot like I had both the best of both worlds, I think.
Mandy Capehart
00:33:37 – 00:33:41
So it’s interesting. Yeah, that would be, that would be quite a book.
Victoria Volk
00:33:43 – 00:34:00
And I think, in grief recovery, we talk about replacing the loss. Right. And so as children, one of our first losses is usually an animal or a pet, or let’s say a dog, and then the parents say, well, that’s okay, Sally. We can just go to the pet store and get a new dog tomorrow. You know, like, right?
Victoria Volk
00:34:00 – 00:34:24
And so I was just thinking about that, like, when she asked for a sibling, it’s like, well, maybe we can start with a puppy, but then at the same time, it’s, it’s minimizing, right? The loss of hope, dreams and expectations that she had for her life, sharing it with the sibling. Right? And that’s gonna be a grief story she’ll grow into tube. And like you said, it’s I think that would be a very important book.
Mandy Capehart
00:34:25 – 00:34:38
We have to move into that space of both and. Right? We can both grieve the loss of a sibling and celebrate the life we have. They don’t cancel each other out. They don’t negate.
Mandy Capehart
00:34:38 – 00:35:04
When we were, let’s see. I was probably 14 when my stepmom’s dog died, and we loved Riley. She was the sweetest black lab, and she was full of energy, and she ran in front of a vehicle and didn’t survive. And it was probably 6 months later and that my we were grieving and my stepmom was really like, I miss Riley so much. I want another pet, but I don’t know if I’m ready.
Mandy Capehart
00:35:04 – 00:35:30
I had found golden retriever puppies for sale in the newspaper like that weekend. And we were on the way to go. Like our weekend plans were, do we go get this puppy or do we go see this musician at the park? This musician that I loved and I was convinced if I just met him at 14, he would want to marry me and we would just have to have a long courtship because I was a child. I did not marry that musician, but I did marry a musician.
Mandy Capehart
00:35:30 – 00:36:00
But anyway, I, like, remember my stepmom saying, I’m not sure if I’m ready, but I guess we can go meet these dogs. And when we got there, they were in squalor. Like my dad got in this guy’s face and said, if you don’t just hand me this puppy at this price point That I’m saying, because the guy wanted 1,000 of dollars for these dogs that were being abused. He said, I’m gonna report you to the city for illegally, breeding these dogs and keeping them, abusing them. And of course we reported them anyway, but we took home this, the runt of the litter that was covered in its own filth.
Mandy Capehart
00:36:00 – 00:36:30
And, and my stepmom realized I was ready not to replace Riley, but to invite an opportunity to love another little Cue another little creature and an experience that reciprocated affection. Right. And so tucker moved in with us and was amazing until he died as well. But, it’s, it’s remarkable. We, I know that story is so different.
Mandy Capehart
00:36:30 – 00:36:49
I know most people who would have partners can tell you stories of their partners who’ve just brought home another pet or something like that and said, don’t worry. Now you don’t have to be sad anymore. And again, it’s that minimizing of our experiences. Instead of recognizing we can integrate the experiences together for a more holistic and restorative and healing experience.
Victoria Volk
00:36:50 – 00:36:52
I look forward to that book you write.
Mandy Capehart
00:36:54 – 00:36:55
Both hands. Got it. Okay.
Victoria Volk
00:36:56 – 00:37:07
Well, and I think I think your daughter would be a beautiful you know, she could almost see herself as the character in that book. Right. And probably help you write it. Yeah., She’s a brilliant little writer.
Victoria Volk
00:37:07 – 00:37:07
She,
Mandy Capehart
00:37:09 – 00:37:24
She could write it herself. I think that that’s part of it is recognizing too, like, that is also her story, and that is something that she deserves to be the one the authority of. And as parents, it’s easy for us to say like, hey, we’ve got the perspective. We’ve got the age. We’ve got the experience.
Mandy Capehart
00:37:24 – 00:37:55
We know better. And that’s one thing with our kiddo that we’re trying to raise her with is a sense of autonomy where she can push back on us. She can ask questions that are really hard when they come to mind and that she can walk away from conversations with unsatisfying answers and not not to the degree where mom and dad said so, and that’s why. But this, like, that didn’t clarify or that didn’t answer anything because mom and dad don’t have the answer. They don’t act they’re not actually infallible.
Mandy Capehart
00:37:55 – 00:38:23
Okay. What does that mean for me? And at the same time, she’s like, she’s 9. We’re trying very hard to protect her from the enormity of all the things and keep her young and keep her innocent as much as possible as in this stage, but, but giving her a chance to just have a childhood. Like, she experienced losing her nana, when she was 1a half, and my mom had moved across the state to help care for her when I needed to go back to work.
Mandy Capehart
00:38:23 – 00:39:18
And so we had a very special relationship that my daughter doesn’t remember. And I think she deserves to experience what that mean what she has carried with her from that loss in her body and how it shows up for her. I mean, anxious kids are a dime a dozen these days with how life happens around us, but it’s a very special opportunity for us to teach them differently than we were taught and to help them understand how to move through anxiety and stress and fear of loss In ways that we really needed when we were young. And that means getting really uncomfortable and not being able to just fix it or answer it away or explain it away. There’s a lot of when you’re older, I’ll go more in-depth, but for now, please take this information and hold onto it as fact and trust me that, I’ll share more later, but
Victoria Volk
00:39:19 – 00:39:50
So far, Mandy has shared some beautiful bits of wisdom with us all, and she’s going to continue in a few moments with some practical tips. But first, I just wanted to share a word from my sponsor, MagicMind. Consistently creating new content isn’t easy, and it does require a lot of focus and energy. And it can be hard to balance them. Either you have too much energy and you feel amped up and, like, you’re ready to bounce off the walls instead of feeling dialed in.
Victoria Volk
00:39:50 – 00:40:28
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Victoria Volk
00:40:28 – 00:40:58
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Victoria Volk
00:40:58 – 00:41:19
Let’s get back to the episode so Mandy can share some more of her wonderful wisdom with us. That’s a great lead to, into my next question in people listening, who are just really walking through a really difficult time. What, what is, what are some practical things that you can suggest to those people.
Mandy Capehart
00:41:19 – 00:41:43
Yeah. Well, absolutely. As a somatic practitioner, I am very, very hopeful when people are willing to pay attention to the sensations that are happening in their body. Like, we’re really quick to disconnect, like I said, our heart and our mind and our body and our spirit because we think we can think our way through a problem. If that were the case, we would have no more problems.
Mandy Capehart
00:41:43 – 00:41:52
So, like, that’s an easy dismissal. No, girl. You can’t think through that problem. No arguments against, like, the mental exercises., I get it.
Mandy Capehart
00:41:52 – 00:42:31
There’s value in them sometimes, but, ruminating takes it too far. So I think that keeping ourselves humble enough to say, maybe there’s something in my body that I can sense that will bring me some wisdom. There are a lot of somatic practices that I share, on my Instagram page and through my podcast and the work that I do, because I want these practical Habits to become the things that we go to first. Right? So in our neuroplasticity world, we know our brain can be we know that even just imagining a thing can cause our nervous system to react.
Mandy Capehart
00:42:32 – 00:43:16
And so if that is true, then the inverse is true of the way that we heal and the way that we can experience positive things as well. So if I imagine a bear is standing in front of me threatening my family, my nervous system is going to say, hey, holy crap. You should probably strategize and run away. And so the same is true of peaceful experiences and moving through loss and even restoring relationship with people that we’ve lost. And so engaging the somatic, the body, the nervous system in ways that, might feel a little a little, uncomfortable or maybe a little have some skepticism attached to it is one of my favorite ways to bring people in because the the Feel Your Feelings crowd, which we’ve all done that.
Mandy Capehart
00:43:17 – 00:43:42
And it was very popular for a while. It, for me, I witnessed it transform into good vibes only, which is probably like the one phrase that I would eradicate from the common collective, if I could. I hear good vibes only. And I see I what I actually hear is my neutral vibes aren’t welcome. My human existence isn’t welcome here.
Mandy Capehart
00:43:44 – 00:44:11
So, yeah, I would say start with recognizing going beyond just trying to think your way through a problem or let me just feel this and then I’ll feel better. That’s not true, but Your body is in internalizing and holding all of the things that you’ve experienced and to invite those things gently and very carefully with guidance to the surface and to get some wisdom and just some compassion for the things you’ve carried is really important.
Victoria Volk
00:44:12 – 00:44:21
I wanna ask something. You just mentioned it. You said restoring of the relationship with someone you’ve lost. Can you elaborate on that?
Mandy Capehart
00:44:21 – 00:44:42
Yes I can., Okay. So this is going to, might be slightly activating for people who have been In situations and I’ll say this just spiritually or even like religious situations where we talk about prayer or we talk about, afterlife. So bear with me. That framework is where I come from.
Mandy Capehart
00:44:42 – 00:45:20
Right? I have a strong background in different Flavors of Western Christianity. But where I’m going with that is this idea that If a person is removed from us often, whether through divorce breakup, literally moving away, or death, we often think, okay, I have to find closure and it’s going to look like whatever Hollywood tells me it looks like. So we get this idea in our head about what closure is, and we pursue that. And when it doesn’t work, because it typically does not work, we give up.
Mandy Capehart
00:45:20 – 00:45:55
We just think, okay, I guess that’s it. The truth is, if I can imagine a scenario where my nervous system will literally calm back down from a bear in front of me, then does it not stand a reason that I can imagine a connection to the person I’ve lost, a conversation with the person I’ve lost, not to deify them, not to put them on a pedestal and say they were perfect and did no wrong, and I’m the problem. And now I’m having better thoughts about myself. That’s not it. But to the degree where we can say, I’m gonna confront.
Mandy Capehart
00:45:55 – 00:46:16
Here’s an example. My mom with all of her heart led a very private life. There were things after she died that I learned about. There were things as she, as a teenager that I learned about that I could never about or ask about. At one point I was wrestling with something and realized, oh, this is connected to that story.
Mandy Capehart
00:46:16 – 00:46:41
I know about my mom’s life, But I’m not in a place where I can call my grandmother or my aunt or my dad. I don’t have capacity to have a conversation and have them worry about protecting her reputation or her experience. Right. She told me what she told me because she needed that was what I was welcome to be prepared YouTube. But what I knew had affected me and I was carrying it and I needed to process.
Mandy Capehart
00:46:41 – 00:47:19
And so I sat down and started to write a letter about I’m pissed off at you for not sharing and being honest, or I’m hurt that you didn’t share this, or I see that you’re human, but, like, why couldn’t you trust me? Whatever whatever the feelings were. What I ended with was this experience that ended up being verbal. I didn’t write it all down, but I was crying and feeling seen and held by my mom unable to respond. I wasn’t imagining what I ended with wasn’t this experience of, like high spirituality where I would say, oh my gosh.
Mandy Capehart
00:47:19 – 00:47:51
I’m healed from that wound with my mom just not disclosing something. I ended this cathartic expression of just not being able to be honest about what I’ve been carrying. All of the emotion of feeling untrusted and feeling unseen or feeling unworthy of hearing this hard thing in my mom’s life. Even the losses connected to it because, you know, I learn a piece of information and my brain goes to, well, what did that mean for me if that had happened? If it hadn’t happened now in the in between, what does it mean for me?
Mandy Capehart
00:47:51 – 00:48:10
All of those pieces that felt so open ended didn’t necessarily feel like closure. They felt like integrated. It felt like I could ask those questions and not fall to pieces. It felt like I could approach it with a sense of clarity but, yeah, there are still uncertainties attached. I’m not gonna have an answer that’s satisfying.
Mandy Capehart
00:48:11 – 00:48:33
I’m not going to resolve it. I, however, notice this piece of my mom’s relationship with me has lightened. When I think of that moment. When I think of that memory with my mom, that information withheld, I’m not having this sharp pressure. So part of somatic work is about learning to notice the sensations in your body.
Mandy Capehart
00:48:33 – 00:49:16
And sometimes it’s really hard to describe them, which honestly means that people are usually onto something there. And even now as I’m like talking about this, I can feel this like finger pressure, amount of pressure, like right behind my sternum, right around my heart. And it’s still less now than it was when I think about how I felt, what, 16 learning this piece of information and feeling trapped and not feeling Able to even talk about like, even as I’m thinking 16, my throat is starting to like get tight and want to close-up because I couldn’t talk about it. And I didn’t have that freedom to come into a place where it was a safe thing to converse about. So, yes, I have lost my mom and no, we never talked about it.
Mandy Capehart
00:49:16 – 00:49:59
And yet here I am talking about it in a way that I don’t actually need to imagine that she’s sitting there with me. You know, there’s this, practice called the empty chair in therapeutic Modalities where we invite the person to that chair, or we talk to the chair as if the person is with us. It doesn’t have to even be that activating because that is a hard Practice., It can be as simple as just letting myself be really honest and vulnerable with how what I’ve experienced is true and there were ugly parts of it. And I’m going to for me, vulnerability is accepting but those ugly painful parts are true and present and not trying to minimize or push them away.
Mandy Capehart
00:50:01 – 00:50:18
And I think You know, it’s a really difficult place to get to, but we don’t have to start with doing it in our own internal work. Right. We can start with an external relationship where we’re looking for a little bit of understanding or integration
when we know we’re not going to get answers at the end of it.
Victoria Volk
00:50:20 – 00:50:52
In grief recovery, we talk about and that really just reminds me there’s an exercise that we do where you do just that really. It, and, and it’s because you can have all these feelings and not get the closure. Right. And you’re stuck in emotional jail. But if you can get to that place through the way, the way you described, the somatic work that you do with people or through the grief recovery work with me, that’s that it’s possible, Right?
Victoria Volk
00:50:52 – 00:51:12
That is possible that that emotional energy, because emotions have energy, right? Can be lessened, enlightened, and worked through and filled with a fresh, newer perspective and maybe a whole lot of compassion yourself and the other person.
Mandy Capehart
00:51:12 – 00:51:35
Absolutely., I mean, emotions are energy in motion. They are literally little tiny vibrations that we’re sensing in our body that our brain is making a thought about, is making sense of, and then we spit it out and we call it a feeling, but it’s not. It’s you know, the feeling is the physical part. And the more we can allow ourselves to like, oh, maybe I misunderstand human emotion.
Mandy Capehart
00:51:35 – 00:51:53
Maybe I don’t know myself as well as I think. Maybe I’ve really protected myself from having to get into those vulnerable, uncomfortable feelings. Even this morning, I was talking with my husband, in response to 2 conversations yesterday about people who say, well, I’m not angry. I’m not angry. I don’t have a right to be angry.
Mandy Capehart
00:51:53 – 00:52:13
I have nothing to be angry about. I’m like, oh, but you do. You do have a right to be angry. You deserve to be angry, but also your relationship to anger might need to shift because if you’ve minimized it and disqualified yourself, you’re missing the fact that anger is a secondary emotion. And it’s really protecting you from those more risky emotions.
Mandy Capehart
00:52:13 – 00:52:41
There’s more vulnerable emotions behind it that maybe pointing to the fact that you’ve been invalidated or treated unjustly., Right? Our relationship to our emotions, but specifically, the uncomfortable emotions, is often so muted when we grieve that we don’t even notice we’re muting our access to the comfortable positive emotions at the same time. Right? We just we feel numb, and then we say, well, I don’t have emotions when No numb is an emotion too.
Mandy Capehart
00:52:41 – 00:52:57
Numbness is a feeling that has information for us. And we just get to a point where we’re willing to say, okay, well, what are you trying to teach me?, That then The floodgates open and it feels cathartic instead of just a fear driven. I’m never going to stop crying if I start. So I just won’t start.
Victoria Volk
00:52:58 – 00:53:25
I’m in a Voxer group with some, some friends, from all over the world. And I happen to have listened to one of my friends. She called it a rant and she was very she was angry about something and I heard it. And after I heard it, she had recalled it and I called her out on it and she’s like, I, you know, I just recalled it because you know, it, it doesn’t serve anybody. It doesn’t, it’s not helpful.
Victoria Volk
00:53:25 – 00:53:43
And I said, oh, wait a minute, I said, you have every right to be angry. Anger is a valid emotion. And it needs to come up and out. And unless you’re ruminating on it, and you’re telling every Tom, Dick and Harry the same story and you ruminating on it. Right?
Victoria Volk
00:53:43 – 00:53:54
Like, that’s not helpful. Like that doesn’t serve you. But to get it up and out and like, like, let that emotional charge go. Yeah. That’s helpful.
Victoria Volk
00:53:54 – 00:53:57
That’s serving you. Don’t minimize that. Right?
Mandy Capehart
00:53:57 – 00:53:58
Yeah. It’s like,
Victoria Volk
00:53:58 – 00:54:02
She didn’t mean she didn’t mean my permission. Obviously. Right. Right.
Mandy Capehart
00:54:03 – 00:54:29
Giving you having your permission to be a witness is a big deal, and I think we, you know, every time I hear someone say, oh, well, that’s not a helpful thing. Actually, it is. It’s helpful because it allows you to be honest. It allows you to be seen and known. And if you are translating that it is not helpful for you to be seen and known, then there’s a lot more work for you to do, not with any judgment attached, but just, hey, that sounds like a pretty painful belief that you’ve carried.
Mandy Capehart
00:54:30 – 00:55:11
What’s possible if it’s not true? What’s possible if the inverse is true that you are worth known being known and being seen, and your anger is worth expressing what’s possible for you. I can’t tell you how many grief clients I have that conversation becomes the focus for months because there’s so much to unwind around how we have minimized and invalidated our personhood and our humanity just to belong and survive in places where we’re not going to belong. This goes back to my community loss. I was telling you about like realizing that I only belonged in this large community because I made myself fit.
Mandy Capehart
00:55:11 – 00:55:25
I made myself take on the shape that was acceptable is why when I said I’m no longer going to look sound and act like you guys, do I still belong? They said, absolutely not. No. You don’t. Okay.
Mandy Capehart
00:55:25 – 00:55:39
Does that mean all that we shared was meaningless? No. But it does help me recognize pieces of myself that I sacrificed and decide, was it worth it? Ultimately, no. No.
Victoria Volk
00:55:41 – 00:55:44
But there is no failure in learning either.
Mandy Capehart
00:55:45 – 00:55:45
No. There’s like a failing.
Victoria Volk
00:55:48 – 00:56:08
Our best lessons come in failure, right? That’s why it’s not failure. I was at a wrestling term that my when my son wrestled me was just a young squirt. And on the back of the t-shirts for the wrestling team, this other team, they had, I can’t remember exactly how it was written, but something to the effect of failure is only learning. Yeah, absolutely.
Victoria Volk
00:56:08 – 00:56:11
That’s Yeah. I’ve never forgotten it.
Mandy Capehart
00:56:11 – 00:56:14
Just education. Just information., Yep. This information.
Victoria Volk
00:56:15 – 00:56:22
Is there anything else that you would like to share today. I feel like we could talk even longer, but I want to be respectful of your time.
Mandy Capehart
00:56:24 – 00:56:44
Let’s see. I think the last thing I would invite people into is just giving themselves permission to take up space, might look different than you think. It’s not saying, oh, I need a weekend away. I need to go to the spa. Giving ourselves permission to take up space means learning that self-care is simple.
Mandy Capehart
00:56:44 – 00:56:58
It’s accessible to everyone. Often I say the first step of self-care is a glass of water, right? You take for granted the fact that you can access clean water. So for the moment, you’re probably dehydrated. If you’ve cried today, you’re probably dehydrated.
Mandy Capehart
00:56:58 – 00:57:53
If you’ve pretended you haven’t cried today, or you’re not sad, you’re probably dehydrated. Just go give your skin some love, take a drink of water, a big glass, and start with this baseline understanding that the simple approach to who you are as a human, as my husband so eloquently puts it as a meat bag, as a body, go restore a little piece of that and see if it doesn’t change how you’re feeling because we, were, I think we complicate self-care and, and honoring the simplicity of our personhood because we’re mental creatures. We overthink things. We create robots and incredibly complex Mathematical systems to try and solve all the world’s problems when really, maybe we just need some clean water and a nap. I’m a I’m a big fan of that.
Mandy Capehart
00:57:53 – 00:58:03
So if you’re feeling a little like too muchness, clean water, a glass of water, and a nap is really, for me, a smart place to start.
Victoria Volk
00:58:05 – 00:58:14
I am gonna circle this conversation back to houseplants. Okay. Because this is the best., I don’t know. What what’s the word?
Victoria Volk
00:58:15 – 00:58:21
Segue. Segway. Thank you. And to bringing the conversation back to houseplants, because what do houseplants need?
Mandy Capehart
00:58:21 – 00:58:29
Water, sunlight, and something’s good. Absolutely. Yes. I love that saying that you’re basically a houseplant with emotions. Yes.
Mandy Capehart
00:58:29 – 00:58:45
Get some sunlight, get some water, get a little food occasionally, clear the cobwebs. Do you have fungus gnats? Alright. There’s a there’s a medicine for that. There’s a combination of care and, and lendliness and things you can do, and you’re going to lose some leaves.
Mandy Capehart
00:58:45 – 00:58:50
Yep. That’s a good metaphor. And it’s okay.
Victoria Volk
00:58:50 – 00:58:56
And if they start to turn and if they start to turn yellow, yeah. Check the soil, right? Yeah. I’m looking
Mandy Capehart
00:58:56 – 00:59:11
at the plants in this office right now. There’s probably let’s see. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14. There are 14 houseplants in my office right now. Half of them are happy and thriving.
Mandy Capehart
00:59:11 – 00:59:26
One of them is my oldest houseplant ever. It’s like 20 years old, and it has brown spots and it loses leaves all the time. And this year after like 20 years of owning it. It started a second sprout for the first time ever. I started asking myself, what am I doing differently?
Mandy Capehart
00:59:27 – 00:59:39
Because this is this is wild. It’s never done that. It’s just gone straight up and lost some leaves and had some leaves at the top. It looks like a weird palm tree. I can’t even remember what Parietal it is.
Mandy Capehart
00:59:39 – 00:59:58
And I realized, oh, I just started giving it more attention on a consistent basis. Not just the oh, God. I forgot to water. Because for all intents and purposes, as much as I wish I was, I’m a very My ADHD comes in strong. It’s probably why I had so many houseplants at the one point.
Mandy Capehart
00:59:59 – 01:00:20
I just don’t I’m not consistent with them. But when I realized I’ve just been consistent with this one recently and it’s beginning to thrive and new things are growing in it. I thought that, yes. That’ll preach. That is a metaphor right there that if we can attend to ourselves in a consistent and loving and simple manner, something new just might take root.
Victoria Volk
01:00:22 – 01:00:28
That’s a beautiful way to end this podcast. I knew this podcast could be about houseplants.
Mandy Capehart
01:00:29 – 01:00:31
You were right. You were a 100% right.
Victoria Volk
01:00:33 – 01:00:53
Oh, I trust that everything that came out to be shared was shared and I would love to have you back. I think we discussed this before we started to record about having you back on to talk about Enneagram and how that relates to grief and the different Enneagram types. And so I would love to explore that with you in a future episode.
Mandy Capehart
01:00:53 – 01:01:03
Absolutely. I love that topic. I think Enneagram work is so easily aligned with grief work and recovery and integration. So absolutely.
Victoria Volk
01:01:04 – 01:01:36
And I’m like I shared with you too, I’m deep diving into human design. And that’s, you know, comes down to your birth time and place and where, where the, where the stars were and all of that at the, at the time of your birth. And, it’s been a huge, I had a lot of shifts in my perspective towards relationships, just in exploring my own design. And, so it’s information. It’s another tool in discovering who we are and learning about ourselves, and how we show up in our grief.
Victoria Volk
01:01:37 – 01:01:38
Yeah. And otherwise.
Mandy Capehart
01:01:38 – 01:02:11
And also too, I just remembered as you were talking, I will tell you that anybody who wants to get like a head start on what grief and Enneagram work together can look like, I’ve seen the benefit of pushing into those uncomfortable places and teaching both myself and my nervous system, how to remain aligned and resting even amid what feels like a threat to my health and my mental stability. Grief can disrupt all of that. And yet it can also be the doorway into like binding restoration in that area as well.
Victoria Volk
01:02:11 – 01:02:15
And where can people reach out to you if they want to learn more?
Mandy Capehart
01:02:15 – 01:02:34
Yeah. So good. So everything is at Mandy Capehart. So my website, mandycapehart.com Instagram, Twitter, Threads, Pinterest, TikTok, but barely all the things, at Mandy Capehart. And then The Restorative Grief Project is my free online coaching group that is posted, excuse me, hosted on Facebook.
Mandy Capehart
01:02:35 – 01:03:18
And it’s just an environment where we can practice grieving together and practice supporting one another and learn how to respond when people hit us platitudes and and learn how to invite our beloved people into the world of grief support without criticizing how they’ve shown up or not shown up in the past. Like, this is an environment and a place where we just hold space for each other and learn what that means to practice breathing with intention. So, Yeah. I love getting messages and DMs and new connections online about these really uncomfortable conversations because they deserve. It turns out every single one of us deserves to have space to fall apart.
Mandy Capehart
01:03:19 – 01:03:21
So that’s the aim of all of it.
Victoria Volk
01:03:22 – 01:03:28
I love that. And I will link to all that in the show notes. Awesome. And thank you so much for your time today, Mandy.
Mandy Capehart
01:03:28 – 01:03:32
Yeah, absolutely. Victoria, thank you for having me. It’s been my pleasure.
Victoria Volk
01:03:32 – 01:03:37
And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Emotions, Grief Tips, Grieving Voices Podcast, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness, Pespective, Podcast, solo episode, Spirituality |
Searching for Alignment
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Have you ever felt like a ship adrift, disconnected from your true north? In this profound journey we call life, alignment with our authentic selves is often clouded by the fog of grief and loss. But what if I told you there’s a compass waiting to guide you back to yourself?
Tune in to this week’s episode of “Grieving Voices,” where I unveil the transformative potential of the Youmap framework.
In this heartfelt session:
– Explore what it means to live in alignment with our authentic selves and how misalignment can lead to grief.
– Discover the four pillars – strengths, values, skills, personality – that form the foundation of living an aligned life in the Youmap framework.
– Learn about the various forms of grief that arise when we stray from our true path.
– Emphasize the importance of self-understanding as a tool for unlocking one’s potential.
Who Can Benefit From Youmap?
– The newly widowed seeking new beginnings
– Those who’ve experienced job loss
– New divorcees aiming for self-discovery
It also holds value for college-bound students navigating their future paths.
Whether facing significant life transitions or seeking deeper self-understanding, Youmap offers clarity and direction. And for those supporting others through loss? It’s essential knowledge.
Special Anniversary Giveaway Announcement:
The Unleashed Heart is turning 5! 🥳 In Celebrating five years of transforming lives and supporting grievers, I’m giving a special giveaway. Get a chance to win 2 prizes: a 60-minute Distance Energy Healing Session and a 60-minute Distance Heart with Ears Session 🎉 The giveaway starts this January 11, 2024, and ends on January 23, 2024. The winners will be announced on the 5th-anniversary date, January 23. I encouraged listeners to join and participate. For more details on entering the giveaway, check the resources below.
Dive deep into who you are and discover what makes you tick; it’s time to live a life aligned with your purpose!
Key Takeaway:
Misalignment with our authentic selves can manifest as various forms of grief – from career dissatisfaction to deep personal regret. But there’s hope!
Remember: “You always had the power, my dear. You just had to learn it for yourself.”
RESOURCES:
- YouMap
- Episode Sponsor: Magic Mind | Use the code “GRIEVINGVOICES” to receive one month free with a 3-month subscription. This special promotion is only for January!
- 5th Anniversary Giveaway! Register before 1/23/2024 at 11 AM CST to win a 60-minute Distance Energy Healing Session OR a 60-minute Distance Heart with Ears Session! ✨
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk
00:01:29 – 00:01:56
Welcome back to another episode of Grieving Voices. I am your host, Victoria V. And today, I have a thought-provoking topic to explore, finding alignment in our lives and the grief that can arise when we stray from our authentic selves.
Victoria Volk
00:01:57 – 00:02:56
In this episode, I’ll dive into alignment, its impact on our well-being, and the steps to align our lives with our strengths, values, skills, and personality, which these are the 4 pillars of what’s called the Youmap. So grab a cup of tea, find a comfortable spot, and let’s dig in, shall we? I wanna begin to explore what it means to live a life in alignment with our authentic selves. Alignment is the state of being where our actions, choices, and pursuits align with our core strengths, values, skills, and personality, essentially, the essence of who we are, which is provided as a snapshot in what’s called a Youmap. For those who are new to this podcast or who haven’t heard of Youmap before, Youmap is a comprehensive framework and a tool that helps individuals better understand themselves and align their lives with their authentic selves.
Victoria Volk
00:02:57 – 00:04:08
It comprises 4 pillars, your top five strengths, values, preferred and least preferred skills, and how you’re wired or your personality. By exploring these aspects of ourselves, we gain clarity on our unique gifts, what is most important to us, our abilities, and how we are inspired. Youmap provides a language and framework to articulate our strengths and gifts to the world, and it helps us make informed decisions and pursue opportunities that align with who we truly are. When we deviate from this alignment that’s expressed in our unique Youmap, grief can emerge as we mourn the loss of our true selves and the missed opportunities that come with it. A quick rundown of the different grief experiences that can arise from living a life that is not in sync with our Youmap, saying yes or mistakenly no, like likely due to the lack of clarity, uncertainty, and or fear to opportunities, pursuing the wrong partners or careers, dishonoring our own values, burnout from not understanding or misapplying your skill set, overuse of your strengths.
Victoria Volk
00:04:08 – 00:04:51
For example, if one of your top five strengths is responsibility, you’ve likely found yourself in burnout, especially if you also have the belief strength in your top five. Moving on, why does knowing all of this even matter? The awareness and understanding of self is the gateway, I believe, to all of the potential, your potential, that life has to offer. The Youmap Framework provides us with a powerful tool for understanding ourselves and cultivating alignment in our lives. The 4 pillars, again, strengths, values, skills and personality are discovered through 4 different assessments that typically take 2 hours or less to complete.
Victoria Volk
00:04:51 – 00:05:27
At the end of it, you have the Youmap snapshot of who you are, providing you with the language of what you have to offer the world and others. You discover what is most important to you through your values. As a result and through coaching, you’ll recognize where there may be need for boundaries to be put into place. And overall, the magic and the uniqueness that is you, that you bring to those around you. By clarifying our strengths, values, skills, and personality, we can make informed decisions, pursue meaningful opportunities, and create a life that resonates with our true selves.
Victoria Volk
00:05:27 – 00:06:01
The whole point of the Youmap is to bring to the forefront what makes you, you. That being said, because we are souls having a human experience, we also navigate the mess and challenges of life, and the shadows of our gifts can also be expressed in covert subconscious ways. Living a life out of alignment can lead to a deep sense of grief. We may mourn the loss of time, energy, and potential that could have been directed toward Suits that align with our true selves. The emotional toll of misalignment impacts us and those with whom we live in close proximity and in relationships.
Victoria Volk
00:06:01 – 00:06:33
You’re probably not living in full expression of your magic. On the other side of that coin, maybe you believe you are living in alignment or are making great strides towards doing so. Have you then been told you’re too much, or do you have people in your life who are uncomfortable seeing you succeed at living in alignment? It’s such a mind trip figuring this all out, but I never said awareness would be painless. These realizations and revelations of what you want for your life are often met with resistance and naysaying from others.
Victoria Volk
00:06:33 – 00:07:03
As a result, we can fall back into those old familiar belief patterns that then hold us back. Acknowledging and processing our grief around these awarenesses can pave the way for a more fulfilling and purpose driven existence. Before I go on to share who Youmap is for, let me pause to share about the sponsor of this episode, Magicmind. Magicmind helped me write about this podcast episode. I don’t usually write out an episode, rather I usually record off the cuff.
Victoria Volk
00:07:03 – 00:07:25
However, I felt inspired to write this episode out, and perhaps in part, due to the magic mind shot I took this morning. The words have just flowed, so I ran with it. Magicmind is a 2 ounce shot that gives 7 hours of flow state. Customers report a 40% boost to productivity on average.,Take it alongside your usual morning coffee or tea or in place of.
Victoria Volk
00:07:25 – 00:08:09
Reduce stress, gain focus and clarity, steady and calm energy, which I can attest to and without jitters, by the way, and see the benefits build with daily use. And for you, my dear listeners, only for the month of January, Magicmind is offering 1 month free with a 3-month subscription when you use my link atmagicmind.com/Jan GrievingVoices, j a n, grieving voices, and with my code, grieving voices. That’s an extra 20% off, which gets you to 75% off to give it a good try. Again, this only lasts until the end of January, so hurry up before it goes away. Magicmind.com/jangrievingvoices and code grieving voices.
Victoria Volk
00:08:09 – 00:08:40
The link is also in the show notes. Now let’s focus and get back to the Youmap, now that you understand the importance of alignment and the grief that can arise from misalignment, there’s one thing you can do right now, discover yourself in your Youmap. Youmap isn’t just for the young or middle aged adult who is newly widowed and has been awakened to the fragility of life after loss and wants to embark on something new. It’s not just for the adult suffered a job loss and feels like a needle in the haystack of other applicants.
Victoria Volk
00:08:40 – 00:09:13
And it’s not just for the new divorcee who wants to understand themselves better and is in need of a change. Youmap is also for college bound students. You may have heard this story before in a previous episode where I discussed Youmap, but if not, my son, now 18, dreamed of enlisting in the marine since he was around age 12. However, life threw him a curve ball that made that dream impossible when he was going on 17. He decided to pursue nursing through that life-altering experience and with the newfound awareness his Youmap gave him.
Victoria Volk
00:09:13 – 00:09:52
He’s currently a freshman at college and loves what he is learning. He has also become the certified nursing assistant and finds a lot of joy in working with the elderly. However, he has chosen to pursue the area of neonatal and pediatrics instead. I also recently had my soon to be college bound daughter complete it, and it was uncanny how spot on her strengths were, which are all people facing and relating strengths, which is rare to have all 5 strengths in 1 category. I know that 1 pitfall she may experience due to all 5 being in relating is that she will never feel within herself that she is making a difference.
Victoria Volk
00:09:52 – 00:10:15
She will need to ask for feedback from others on how she has helped them to feel within herself that she’s having a positive impact. She is also planning to pursue a degree in nursing. However, she has an interest in the field of psychology. Finding alignment is a lifelong process. It requires self-reflection, courage, and a willingness to embrace change.
Victoria Volk
00:10:15 – 00:10:47
By cultivating awareness of our strengths, values, skills and personality, we can navigate the grief of misalignment and embark on a transform transformative journey toward living a life that is a true reflection of who we are, remember, you can create a life of purpose and alignment. And as the good witch, Glenda, in The Wizard of Oz says to Dorothy, I will say to you now. You always had the power, my dear. You just had to learn it for yourself. To learn more about Youmap, head to my website.
Victoria Volk
00:10:47 – 00:11:10
And under services, you will find a link to Youmap with more information at theunleashedheart.com under services, the link will also be in the show notes. Around the new year, you’ll see new your new you said a lot. Rather, I will say, new year evolved you. It’s more conducive, I think, to the human experience. We are always a work in progress.
Victoria Volk
00:11:10 – 00:11:39
Youmap is a tool among several others that I offer that can help you with your evolution. Hey. Speaking of evolution, before I let you go today, I just wanted to share that last week on January 11th, I launched a giveaway. On the 23rd of this month is my business’s 5th anniversary. And to celebrate, I’m giving away A 60-minute distance healing session and also a 60-minute distance heart with ears session.
Victoria Volk
00:11:39 – 00:12:18
There are multiple ways to enter, And this will run into through next week, 23rd, at 11 AM Central Standard Time. So head on over to theunleashed heart.com/5th anniversarygiveaway, or there’s gonna be a link in the show notes where you can easily sign up and register there. And check out social media @theunleashedheart on Instagram, Victoria The Unleashed Heart on Facebook, and it’ll be shared in all those places as well. And I hope you enter. And if you are lucky to win, I look forward to meeting you.
Victoria Volk
00:12:18 – 00:12:45
I just wanted to do something fun to celebrate 5 years, which has been very much an evolution in my business as well, and to share my joy and my passion and to give back to the community that has been so supportive of me and my podcast and the work that I do. So good luck, my friends. Until next time, remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Emotions, Energy, Grieving Voices Podcast, Mental Health, Mind/Body Wellness, Podcast, solo episode, Spirituality |
Biofield Tuning: Raising Voltage & Harmonizing the Body
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Biofield Tuning is a type of sound healing that helps to relieve emotional and physical stress. It is a holistic wellness modality that uses the vibration from tuning forks to induce targeted relaxation and to recalibrate our vibrational rhythms from stressors that deplete us. Your biofield or aura is the electromagnetic energy field that surrounds your body, which extends 5-6′ in all directions from your body. It is connected with your conscious and subconscious mind, including all your memories.
Because we are electrical beings, what affects one part affects the whole. What happens within the body is expressed in the body’s magnetic field (or Biofield). And what is stuck, perturbed, or tangled in the magnetic field informs the body – they are connected. Through Biofield Tuning, we can use electromagnetism within (and around) the body to rewire, recharge, and raise the body’s voltage.
In his book, A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle describes the “pain body” as “the remains of pain left behind by every strong negative emotion that is not fully faced, accepted, and then let go of, join together to form an energy field that lives in the very cells of your body.” In Biofield Tuning, we work within the energy field to bring harmony so the body can operate at its fullest energetic potential and expression. This harmony brought to the body can be incredibly supportive to those grieving.
***SURPRISE! Through October, I’m offering ✨10 discount codes ✨ for NEW Energy Healing Clients. Use the code grievingvoices10 to receive 10% off any energy healing session. You don’t have to schedule in October to receive the discount. If the code does not work, all ten codes have been redeemed. ***
RESOURCES:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk: Good morning, good afternoon, or good evening, whatever time it is you’re listening to this episode. Thank you so much for tuning in and for pushing play and for being here. If this is your first time listening, this is a great episode to start with, but if not, thank you for tuning in again.
Victoria Volk: Today, I want to talk about something I haven’t talked about yet on the podcast and shared with you, and that is about biofield tuning which is an energy healing modality that I offer in person and over distance. And I’ll get into a lot of stuff today, so let’s get into it.
Victoria Volk: So the founder of biofuel tuning Eileen McKusick. She created her own set of tuning forks and the process of biofuel tuning. And she mapped out the biofield through her twenty-plus years of research and then working with individuals and groups. But biofield tuning is a type of sound healing that helps to relieve emotional and physical stress. It is a holistic wellness modality that uses the vibration from tuning forks to induce targeted relaxation and to recalibrate our vibrational rhythms from stressors that deplete us.
Victoria Volk: Your biofield or aura is the electric magnetic energy field that surrounds your body. It extends five to six feet out from you and it is connected with your conscious and subconscious mind, including all of your memories. A biofield tune introduces a coherent sound into the energy field, allowing the body’s nervous system to release subtle energy that creates dissonance in our lives. By activating a tuning fork in the biofield that offers your body the information it needs to recalibrate itself. During a biofield tuning session, a client lies fully clothed on a treatment table while the practitioner slowly scans the body, with an activated tuning fork beginning from a distance. If the session is conducted at a distance, the client may rest quietly and comfortably in their home or go about their day. Although I do find clients appreciate the opportunity to connect and rest during this session but either way, the energetic turbulences that must be addressed will come up regardless of what you do during the session. As your practitioner, I feel for resistance and turbulence in your energy field. I also listen for a change in the overtones and undertones of the tuning fork. And when a turbulent area is encountered, I continue to activate the tuning fork holding it in that area.
Victoria Volk: And research suggests that the body’s organizational energy uses the tuning fork steady coherent vibrational frequency to tune itself. Soon the dissonance results and the resistance gives way. This resistance seems to correspond to the release of subconsciously held tension in the body. One might interpret this as a kind of targeted nervous to biofeedback. Eileen founder has come to see this process as consciousness hacking, a side door entry into the psyche, working with what has been hidden in plain view, which assists people in making changes they otherwise could not on their own. Holding an activated tuning fork in the area of the traumatic memory or another challenging period produces repeatable, predictable outcomes. The sound input helps the body digest and integrate unprocessed experiences. As the biofield dissonance subsides, clients generally report feeling lighter and diminishing or resolving of their symptoms.
Victoria Volk: So we can think of the human body as a tuning, self-tuning instrument just like you can use a tuning fork to tune a piano. You can also use the tuning fork to tune the body as I’ve talked about. And as I mentioned, biofuel tuning uses these tuning forks to scan through the body’s electromagnetic field and then finds that distance and resistance. And anything with electric current running through, it has a magnetic field around it. A changing magnetic field can cause electric changes, charges to move, essentially moving energy. Because if you remember from high school science class, energy can neither be changed nor destroyed. It can only be moved.
Victoria Volk: A vibrating tuning fork produces electricity and therefore magnetism. The tuning fork acts like a magnet, moving charges within the body’s magnetic field, shifting how electricity moves through the body. Pain can be experienced as too much electric current through the wires or the nerves. And we know that magnetic fields guide electric currents. So by shifting the body’s magnetic field, and thus shifting the electrical flow in the body, we can release pain, tension, stuck emotions and trauma.
Victoria Volk: Pain is essentially a manifestation of too much electrical current through the wires, and we can redirect that energy by manipulating the magnetic field. And with tuning forks, we can sense the rhythms of the currents in the body in a similar way to how punctured needles are used. Essentially, I and other certified biofuel tuning practitioners are bioelectricians.
Victoria Volk: In his book, A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle describes the pain body, which he describes in which we describe in biofuel tuning as being perturbations and stuck energy, Eckhart states that “the remains of pain left behind by every strong negative emotion that is not fully faced, accepted, and then let go of, join together to form an energy field that lives in the very cells of your body”.
Victoria Volk: In my work with grievers and from my personal experience, I can tell you that traumatic events or experiences which don’t have to be significant tea traumas, by the way, and grief overall manifest in the body. Through countless conversations with people and the deep internal work I’ve done to work through my past, I can tell you that when we have experiences that throw us off kilter, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etcetera, our voltage goes way down. We become more susceptible to illness or injury due to reduced focus and concentration and have less energy to sustain us to meet our goals and sometimes even our daily needs. And after this point, we find ourselves on a slippery slope of feeling depressed, lacking passion, and just getting by day to day, living a lackluster life where we begin to forget who we were before life knocked us down. Where we no longer see possibilities, but instead roadblocks and find it far too easy to make excuses for ourselves.
Victoria Volk: If you’ve experienced periods of challenge and adversity in your life and believe you’ve addressed those things, take a moment to take a bird’s eye view of your life from that period on. Zoom way out. Look at your life. Do you recognize shifts within your energy? How you showed up for yourself, your partner, friends, colleagues and how you’ve functioned at work and in life. Have you resorted to alcohol or other means to relax your afraid nerves? Have you needed a crutch to sleep at night? Does food or shopping fill a void created by a feeling of lack in some area of her life? Such as love, affection, recognition, or attention because we are electrical beings what affects one part affects the whole. And what happens within the body is expressed in the body’s magnetic field or biofield. And what is stuck, perturbed, or tangled in the magnetic field informs the body. They are connected. Through biofuel tuning, we can use electromagnetism within and around the body to rewire recharge, and raise the body’s voltage.
Victoria Volk: I can tell by looking at someone’s posture, stride when they walk or overall how they carry themselves, where they may have an area of dissonance or resistance in their body and magnetic field. For example, the shoulders are telling because the left shoulder’s energetic imbalance relates to sadness, grief, and loss. Meanwhile, the right shoulder imbalance relates to saying yes when we mean no and emotional caretaking. And by looking at someone’s posture, it’s easy to visualize which shoulder on the person is likely a source of energetic imbalance. Every energy center, which you may know also as chakras, relates to an area each governs such as the third eye governing the pineal gland and the brain, as well as what the energy of that center relates to emotionally and its function when it’s healthy or imbalanced.
Victoria Volk: A healthy third eye center, which relates to our intuition and thought processes gives us a clear third eye perception, mental focus, and acuity. An unhealthy low energy, third eye, would have us struggling with focus and experiencing a distrust or disconnection from our intuition. Furthermore, depending on which side the imbalance also occurs, the right or left side means something a little different too. An imbalance of the third eye chakra on the right side which is the masculine side relates to overthinking the past whereas the left, the feminine side relates to worrying about the future. Add in a traumatic experience where your sense of safety and security was jeopardized, or taken away, which this relates to the first chakra, the root chakra located in the tailbone, and your entire central channel is likely compromised and imbalanced. In such experiences, grounding practices are a supportive way to help yourself. There is so much more sciencey information I could go into in this episode, which I totally would love to share and geek out over with you. However, I fear I’d lose some of you listening who are more interested in what’s in it for you and who it’s for. And who it isn’t for and more commonly asked questions, which I’ll get into in a moment.
Victoria Volk: However, suppose you’d like to dive into the science behind biofield tuning. In that case, I recommend checking out Eileen’s book tuning the human biofield, where she digs into deep into the science of energy itself, including but not limited to biophotons and thermodynamics. Much of which is above my head, but is precisely why I was drawn to biofuel tuning. As a skeptic myself, I was searching for what feels like truth to me and needing the facts the science behind biofuel tuning is what peaked my curiosity and drew me in.
Victoria Volk: So, alright. Well, let’s get to some FAQs about biofuel tuning. And here’s just a quick down and dirty of a few facts about some Q and A about biofuel tuning that if you’re listening, if you’re thinking this might be for you, this is a great segment for you to listen to. So conditions that biofuel tuning may help with include, but are not limited to, concussion recovery, which I have to say, if it’s been less than six months since you’ve had a concussion, you should probably wait to have biofuel tuning. Anxiety, addiction, adrenal stress, digestive issues, PTSD, fear or phobias, panic attacks, vertigo, menstrual issues, depression, pain, fibromyalgia, autoimmune conditions, migraines or headaches, restless leg syndrome.
Victoria Volk: And those with the following are not candidates to receive biofuel tuning however, could receive Reiki, which is another healing modality I provide. So if you’re pregnant, have cancer, a terminal illness, a pacemaker, pain stimulator implants, or are very sick these are precautions that we take with biofuel tuning. Eileen has stated that these conditions or precautions and that as practitioners, we use common sense that, you know, we should be using common and because every situation is different and nuanced, in some circumstances, it’s best to avoid biofield tuning altogether and other times where a gentle approach may be taken such as using weighted forks It is the practitioner’s discretion. And I and personally, I think that less is more in these circumstances. So what can you expect during a session? There is no guarantee that a specific result will occur from biofield tuning. However, what can happen is you can experience detox like symptoms. As the body releases tension toxins in constricted tissues are released, which may produce flu like symptoms exhaustion, waves of emotion, loose stools, and in extreme cases, which are very rare, rashes, and vomiting. However, clients also report feeling lighter, having more energy, clarity of mind, and a feeling of energetic ease and flow.
Victoria Volk: So how many sessions would I need to experience before I can expect to receive benefits from biofuel tuning? So biofuel tuning just like any healing modality is cumulative. So every session builds on the one prior to it. Like chiropractic trains the bones to find their balanced relationship, biofuel tuning, trains the magnetic electrical system of the body to flow in a balanced rhythmically, harmonious way. So if a person has had long term, extreme, nonbeneficial inputs, it may take longer to achieve balance. Younger people respond more quickly than older people. Generally, a minimum of three sessions is recommended to begin, often a presenting symptom can be cleared within three sessions. If there is no change in a condition after three sessions, then it is likely that biofuel tuning will not be able to help with that particular condition.
Victoria Volk: Is there an age limit for receiving biofuel tuning? As there is no age limit for receiving biofuel tuning, however, less is more with seniors, those who are over age sixty five and with children who generally should receive shorter sessions. Children between the ages of two to six can become hyperactive after a biofiltering session. So I do offer thirty minute sessions for seniors over sixty-five and children who are thirteen and under.
Victoria Volk: Can biofuel tuning treat issues like depression or bipolar disorder? Yes. Eileen views, conditions such as depression and or bipolar disorders as tonal imbalances, rather than chemical imbalances, which can be readily addressed with biofuel tuning. For example, during a biofuel tuning scan, a bipolar person will exhibit high tones associated with anxiety and mania as well as low tones linked with depression, but a mid-tone range will be absent. In such cases, the practitioners’ biofuel tuning to quiet the high tones, and lift the low tones, which will strengthen the mid-tone range. This helps the recipient achieve a more balanced state.
Victoria Volk: Does biofuel tuning work on animals? Animals respond beautifully to biofuel tuning. Biofuel tuning has helped pets stops being fearful of thunder, more trusting of strangers, stop fussing with hot spots and generally enter a healthier relaxed state. Pets respond well to in person biofuel tuning and when they receive it from a distance.
Victoria Volk: How does biofield tuning work from a distance? I lean herself scoffed at the idea of offering biofield tuning at a distance until she was convinced to give it tried by a friend who was a doctor. What she found, astonished even her. There was no difference in the client’s experience. To understand how distance healing works. It helps to understand what the ether is. One of the biggest omissions in our collective cosmology or understanding of the nature of life is ether. Essentially, either is the ocean of clear light that all creation arises from. Information travels through this medium much faster than light speed because the information of the entire field is accessible at any point. While the term aether is not in our popular sycambe. The concept of the phenomenon persists and has been referred to by many other names including the zero point field, the source field, the torsion field, the field, the acacic field and even the higgs field, whose definition is an invisible energy field that exists throughout the universe. And is very similar to the definition of aether. This can potentially explain the mechanics of how distant healing works. For example, with intention, transfer your awareness from your left foot and then into your right hand. Notice that there is no sense of that awareness having to travel in a linear way through your body. In the same way, a client can place their intention, their awareness, and their consciousness on a treatment table regardless of where it is in actuality. It is through this same kind of intention that vibrational patterns can be found at a distance with a biofield tuning practitioner’s tuning fork and modulated into a more coherent and harmonic expression.
Victoria Volk: As the nonlocal interconnective medium that unifies us all in real time, aether is the missing link in so called paranormal phenomena such as remote viewing and distance healing. Of course, this is all very sciencey. And in a nutshell, I always like to simply say, time knows no space, time or sequence.
Victoria Volk: And I’ve had several clients who use to always be in-person clients and receive biofield tuning or reiki and have since switched to distant sessions because of the convenience mostly, but also because they haven’t noticed any less benefit to receiving. So what is here’s one last Q and A.
Victoria Volk: What is biofield tuning detox? Which I mentioned previously. The biofield tuning recipient may experience a detox response after a session which is completely normal and means the body is releasing the stress and trauma. Generally, these symptoms pass within one to three days. And the following are possible symptoms of detox, fatigue, waves of emotions like crying or being angry or sad, loose stools, exhaustion, headaches, or dizziness, flu like symptoms, or in very rare cases, skin rashes, mucus, fever, vomiting, excessive thirst. If clients have an extreme detox response from their biofuel tuning session, I ask them to contact me. Otherwise know that a detox is good. It means the energy and toxins are moving and are being released, and I always say that are out than in.
Victoria Volk: Alright. So there you have it. A lot of info packed into one episode about a modality that I’m thrilled to share with you today. If you’ve never considered or received an energy healing biofuel tuning, it’s a great place to start if you want more bang for your buck, so to speak. I say that as someone who strictly offered reiki for several years before discovering biofuel tuning. So if you loved learning about this modality, please share this episode with a friend who may also find it interesting. And to learn more, you can check out Eileen’s book I previously mentioned or her website biofueltuning.com or my website to learn more. Check out the show notes for all the links. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Emotions, Grieving Voices Podcast, Mental Health, Podcast, solo episode |
I Can’t Stop Crying
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
What is your opinion or belief about crying? What has been your life experience with crying? As a child, were you told to stop being a “crybaby?” Or, if you wanted to cry, your parent would give you something to cry about?
If you reflect on your relationship to crying for a moment, you may see that the patterns and behaviors about crying likely haven’t changed much as an adult. That is unless you’ve done considerable emotional personal development work. Just like we have to build our self-confidence muscle, our emotional intelligence, like a muscle, needs attention, too.
Do you know people who have used crying as a manipulation tactic to get what they want? Have you known people who have used crying to bypass what is emotionally going on – using it not to have to talk about what they’re feeling? Maybe you’ve done one or both of these things yourself. Most of us have, at some point in our lives, particularly as children, when there was something we wanted. Depending on the behavior emulated for you as a child, perhaps these behaviors were learned and are tactics you rely on today.
This episode aims to get you thinking about crying and your relationship to it. As well as to consider how the ways others respond to the grief and loss in their lives may differ from you – and allowing that to be okay and not judging the other person for it.
And for funsies, if you haven’t seen the 1990 movie Crybaby with Johnny Depp and Ricki Lake, it’s a fun role to see Johnny Depp play.
RESOURCES:
Victoria Volk: Hey, Hey, Hey. Thank you for tuning in to today’s episode. This is episode one sixty-two already. And I just wanna take a moment to thank you for being a regular listener if you are, if you’re brand new, Thank you for being here. And if you found me through someone else sharing it with you, I hope you paid it forward and share it with someone else you know her love. Let me find the content of grieving voices helpful. I really enjoy bringing on guests who I am personally curious about and love to know more about. In an effort that what they have to share will be meaningful, and helpful to you the listener. And so if this podcast is, I asked that you please leave a review five stars if you would please. It really helps the podcast continue to grow but more importantly sharing it with someone who really does maybe need to hear whatever that episode is that you feel inclined to share. I hope you share it. Follow that nudge. If there’s someone that you’re thinking about, like, oh, so and so should really hear this hear this episode, follow that nudge. Share it with them because that nudge was given to you for a reason.
Victoria Volk: There’s many examples in my life where I follow the nudges and you just feel really good when you do. You can’t be wrong when you’re listening to your inner voice, which really knows better than our ego. So listen to that inner voice if you feel called to share this with someone or any other episode for that matter. And I greatly appreciate a review if you have five minutes to do so.
Victoria Volk: So, yeah, let’s get into today’s episode where I wanna talk about crying. Growing up, I cried a lot. I had a lot to cry about, but I cried a lot, and it was I’m I would I would say that I’m a highly sensitive person. And as a child going through so much grief and loss, traumatic things happening and a lot of change, just from age five on it was a lot for a child to take in for any child to take in and a lot of children are going through really difficult times. And what do you do with those big emotions? Adults really I mean, we as adults don’t even know what to do with their big emotions half the time, particularly with anger. And so when a child is expressing these things, including anger, it can be confronting for adults. You don’t know what to do, and so it’s easier to just say just go to your room and cry. I don’t you know, they don’t wanna see it. Adults don’t wanna see it. They don’t want it in their face. I’m not saying all adults, I’m just these are very generalization, very much generalizations.
Victoria Volk: But as particularly, I will say, adults who have not address their own emotions or really have sat with their own emotions. Maybe their children who grew up and are continuing those behaviors because that’s what they were taught. That’s all they know. You get angry, you punch a wall, you spew words to other people that are just out of character. We just don’t know what to do with their big emotions including grief, anger, sadness, all of these things that are part of the human experience.
Victoria Volk: In particular though, I wanna talk about crying though because we have this idea that when someone passes away and no one’s and the person isn’t crying, that they’re somehow detached or they just that’s abnormal. It’s abnormal behavior to not cry when someone close to them passes away. And so I just think that this is an important topic to talk about. And on the flip side of that, I mean, people can use crime as a way to manipulate as well. Right? Like, we can turn on our acting skills on a dime sometimes to get what we want. This is if we have needs that aren’t being met, our egos can really get creative and our minds can really get creative on how we obtain what we desire, what we want to help us to feel better.
Victoria Volk: So I wanna dive into crying today, and I think there’s a lot of confusion about crying. Like how much crying is enough? If I start crying, will I be able to stop? Do I have to cry at all? I’ve cried and cried, but I still don’t feel better. Is there something wrong with me?
Are men and women different when it comes to crying? So I wanna talk about all of these things and you might be recognizing yourself in some of the scenarios that I share. Many of you listening may have yourself experience this first scenario. Let’s say you’re an older child and you’re very worried about your father or your mother because several years ago the other parent passed away and you believe that your parent is devastated by the death of their spouse, but your surviving parent hasn’t cried yet. And we can use the word yet in an air quotes because you might have this belief audious belief that in order to grieve that you must cry. And the fact is that maybe you did not see your parent cry. Does that mean that they haven’t cried? And it doesn’t mean that they haven’t cried in private. Or that they will or will not talk about it. So well-meaning children are concerned because they believe that there is this absolute and direct correlation between grief and crying. And of course, you believe that your parent’s heart is broken. And surely, that is usually the case. Right? And so where is it written that you must cry when you are sad? I mean, think about that. Not everybody displays an outward expression of emotion. In the beginning of this episode, I shared how as a child, I would cry to hide. I think I’ve said that on this podcast a few times. I still do. I still do. Because I think there’s still probably a part of me that feels like it’s not safe to or that it’s not allowed or that there’s something wrong with me because as I mentioned, I’m an emotional person. I feel deeply about things, about people, about experiences. I feel it very deeply, good or bad, you put those in air quotes because it’s not good or bad, it just is. Right? It’s part of being human.
Victoria Volk: But I think it’s important for us to recognize that not everybody grows up in a home where it’s okay to cry openly. And especially, like, older generations where you did not display that type of weakness, deemed weakness. I say crying as weakness, but it’s not. But there is this mindset that exists, that it’s weak to cry and it’s a societal norm that women, yes, cry more and men not as much, and if men cry, then that’s somehow, oh my gosh, this guy’s crying, you know?
Victoria Volk: So I think it’s becoming more acceptable in society for men to openly express themselves with tears and that takes strength. It does take strength to openly share your emotions. It’s vulnerability that we need more of truthfully in this world. And it’s an authenticity that It’s not acting, like, you can’t act that when it’s coming from an authentic and vulnerable place.
Victoria Volk: So let me ask you this, have you ever known anyone who cries all the time, but never seems to change or grow? Have you ever known anyone who uses crying as a manipulation to get something? And there is a high probability that you will answer yes to both of those questions. And both of those questions are designed to explain the fact that crying in and of itself does not necessarily lead to completion of the pain caused by death, divorce, or any other losses. And at best, crying acts as a short-term energy-relieving action and relieves temporarily some of the emotional energy generated by loss.
Victoria Volk: So you might know people who’ve been crying over the same loss daily for years and years. And we know that the crying has not helped them complete what is emotionally incomplete in their relationship with their loved one who had died or the person for whom they are divorced or restrained or whatever the circumstance maybe. As our society is continuing to evolve, we are seeing the shift in the public display of emotion as I mentioned. And in today’s world, it is not at all unlikely to even see a retiring professional athlete, with this all this masculinity, weeping openly in a televised press conference. So it is hard to imagine that the same scenario occurring thirty to forty years ago would have a different outcome that was not the thing thirty to forty years ago. So if you’re male parent is seventy years old or older, he is more likely to be affected by different beliefs about the open play of emotions than you are. Even your female parent is liable to be less willing to communicate sad, painful, or negative emotions than you. And we must fight this trap of applying our emotional value system to others. And it may seem odd since your parents are the ones who taught you but that you have a different emotional view than they do.
Victoria Volk: And I think that’s where, especially, today, with that, like, people in my generation, the sandwich generation, our parents, my mom is eighty years old they didn’t openly talk about the really painful stuff. They just didn’t. And so it’s as time goes on and we learn and we grow and this podcast like this one exists and the more we talk about grief, the more this will shift in society as a whole. And maybe when I’m eighty, I will be the opposite. I will be more communicative about painful times. And I am already. I am already, but I’ve come to know this stuff and I’ve done a lot of personal work on myself. And I think that’s the key. Is so many of the people on that generation, the older generation there wasn’t, like, talk space and better help and just it was a different time. It was just a completely different time. And so as we’re evolving as a society, I do see this shifting, and I do see this changing, and it already is. I mean, here I am sitting on and I have my own podcast and I’m using my voice in ways that I never did and never felt safe to as a child. And I think I’m I mean, that’s a whole another podcast. I could do a whole podcast on throat wounds. The throat chakra wound of just being having your voice suppressed or not being able to express yourself, which maybe I will do an episode on that because I think it’s hugely important that we recognize our wounds so that we can heal them within ourselves. And this podcast and doing the work that I’ve personally done on myself has helped me to heal my throat wound were crying wasn’t, something that was acceptable. I mean, yes, go cry, but I don’t wanna see it. Go hide to cry was the message I received and I did. And so I guess, again, as we come into our own, we recognize where we need to do the work for ourselves. And for me, it was in the expression of emotion because I suppressed so much. And I think as grievers, many of us have grown up in homes and in this belief system that we just don’t talk about what is hurting us. And so just keep that in mind as I’m continuing on with this episode.
Victoria Volk: So the short of what I’ve just talked about is basically that it can be dangerous and counterproductive to attach our personal ideas and beliefs to how other people express their grief, given the fact that many people will communicate tremendous depth of emotion and never shed a tear, while others cry all the time, but don’t seem to complete the pain, nor derive any long term benefit from crying.
Victoria Volk: And so let’s talk about the gender issue and uniqueness of individuals and relationships as well as what function crying serves and for whom. There is research that indicates that tears of sadness differ in chemical makeup from tears of joy and that tears perform the valuable function of washing the eyes and women cry on average five times more than men. And the grief recovery institute has actually tried to find research, like psychological basis for this five-to-one ratio of women crying more than men, and they couldn’t find it. And failing to find any valid studies on crime would support a physical distinction by gender. But they couldn’t find the research.
Victoria Volk: So what the Great Recovery Institute did do is do their little own anecdotal research that they believe represents the truth. They had called some nurse friends whose life experience is working with infants. And without exception, they indicated that the circumstances and frequency with which very young infants cry is not dictated by gender. Little baby boys and little baby girls cry equally. There are clear personality differences between individual babies. Some cry more than others, not by gender, but rather by individual uniqueness. And they did not limit their research to those who worked only with newborns. They got some of the same responses from experts who worked with children up to the age of five. From age five onwards, distinction by gender and attitudes and beliefs began to magnify. This informal study led to the inescapable conclusion that socialization, not gender, was the key to later differences of attitude and expression regarding crying.
Victoria Volk: So although there really isn’t an innate physiological difference between males and females when it comes to crying, we must still ask what purpose or value, if any, does crime have in recovery from loss?
Victoria Volk: So let us say that crying can represent a physical demonstration of emotional energy attached to a reminder of someone or something that has some significance for you.
Victoria Volk: In fact, during grief recovery work that I do with clients when someone starts crying, I ask them to talk while they cry. The emotions are contained in the words that the griever speaks, not in the tears that they cry. And so what’s fascinating to observe is that as the thoughts and feelings are spoken, the tears usually disappear and the depth of feeling communicated seems much more powerful than just tears alone.
Victoria Volk: And I can add in my personal experience when I was going through the program myself in Austin, Texas in early twenty nineteen, I was overcome with emotion. And I don’t know that there were enough tissues in the box and snot was coming down my knows and I mean, I was a mess. I looked like an emotional mess and a wreck. However, I continued on with the exercise just as I was instructed to do and at the end of it, I can tell you, like, even now when I reflect back on it, had I just been crying, had I just let my tears fall and not have been communicating through this exercise, what I was feeling, I don’t know I don’t believe the impact would have been as great as it was because the person that came to that training and that experience was a different person on the flight home. I was completely emotionally transformed from that experience. The work that you put into it is exactly the output that you get, the more that you put into the experience, the more you get out, and that’s with anything. That’s with any kind of program or coaching or anything as long as you are open and willing to put in the emotional work into it, you will get a return of that investment.
Victoria Volk: And again, like just sitting home alone and crying is not gonna get you the results in your life that you’re looking for. So when we think about this idea that it’s not the tears, but yet the communication that helps people heal. And in talking about our experiences, let’s bring that back to the conversation about the adult child and the parent whose other parent passes away if you believe that your parents’ heart is broken, it doesn’t take words to show that. Right? We can see when someone’s heart’s broken based on their body language, their tone, and other factors that show us that someone is being deeply affected by a loss of a loved one or an experience they’re having in their life. And for some people, it might be unusual or uncommon for them and may be even uncomfortable, for them to cry.
Victoria Volk: And frankly for some people, it might not even have any real benefit. But brace yourself for this next part because on the other hand, don’t be fooled by those who cry frequently. In one of the strangest of all paradoxes, people can use crying as a way to stop feeling rather than to experience great depths of emotions so it can go the opposite way. The tears can become a distraction from the real pain caused by the loss. The key to recovery from the incredible pain caused by death, divorce, and all other losses is contained in a simple statement. Each of us is unique and each of our relationships is unique. Therefore, we must cover and complete what is emotionally unfinished for us in all of our relationships. Our personal belief systems about the display of emotions are also unique and individual. We may not even have a conscious awareness of what our own beliefs even are an alert to everyone, young or old, don’t let anyone else dictate what is emotionally correct for you. not even your children, or your parents ,only you get to determine what is correct for you.
Victoria Volk: If you need help, in discovering or determining what might help you deal with a broken heart caused by a death or a divorce. I highly recommend you get in touch with me or check out the book, The Grief Recovery Handbook. I will put a link to it in the show notes, that will I guarantee you, that will have you connecting so many dots and you’ll have so many aha moments while you read that book. I really firmly believe that it could be a game changer as you are on your path working through your grief and looking at it and trying to recover from it. But don’t take this podcast episode that I’m any way against crying. Like I mentioned several times now throughout this episode that I’m a big cryer I can be. Not near as much as I used to be because what’s changed for me from a child to an adult is that as a child I didn’t have the skills or the know how and how to process what I was feeling to work through my feelings and the emotions. I didn’t have a way to do that. I didn’t know how to do that. Most children don’t and most children are not taught how to do that. And so as we grow into adulthood, we continue those behaviors until we learn differently, until we learn better healthier ways to address what’s happening for us emotionally. And so I don’t have to cry, I don’t feel the need to cry as much as even near as much as I used to. I have to be really emotionally charged, feel either like, an immense an immense an immense amount of gratitude in a moment or an immense amount of sorrow or hurt or pain, emotional pain, whatever it is, to cry. And that those moments are far widened in between and that’s not good and that’s not bad. It’s just what is and but I’m connecting why that is. And for me why that is, because I have the tools to process what I’m feeling emotionally. I have energy work that I can use in those tools I can use to process my emotions. And to catch myself before I get to a place where I can’t control my emotions. This is what it means to develop our emotional intelligence. And as we do that, we don’t feel the need to cry as much because we have gain skills and tools that support us so that we’re not using tears as a way to bypass our emotions, and we’re not using tears to manipulate. And we’re not using tears as without that emotional component we’re addressing.
Victoria Volk: So I’m not against crying. And in fact, I expect people to cry when I’m working with them one-on-one or in groups. In grief recovery. I expect them to cry. I cried. Right? You’re learning this stuff for the first time in that situation. I expect that you’ll probably cry. And that’s okay. But to get to the point where you’re in recovery from the emotional pain, that’s really the end goal. That’s the end game for the people that I work with, and even for myself and my own healing. So when fond memories are turning painful, we wanna use these tools so that they don’t turn painful anymore. So that it that’s where those tears will come. Right? I’m here for you to have a life of meaning and value even though a loss or losses may have made your life drastically different than what you had hoped or dreamed. And trust me, I have plenty of relationships in my life, and I’ve had plenty of relationships in my life that are different and were different from what I had hoped and dreamed.
Victoria Volk: And so I hope that this episode has gleaned some insight into crying a little bit. I know this is something that we don’t really even think about. Right? We just you think crying is always a good thing. And yet, there is a there is a shadow side to crying. It can be used to manipulate. It can be used to bypass our own emotions, yes, an emotion is prompting the crying, but is it a painful memory? And that’s a thing. So if it’s a painful memory, then you probably have something left there that’s emotionally incomplete for you. And that’s where I’m trying to get to the heart of. That’s what I work with people to address. And that’s what I’ve put a lot of work into myself to address.
Victoria Volk: So what do you think about crying now? Share your thoughts with me. Find me on Instagram @theunleashedheart or on Facebook, Victoria The Unleashed Heart. Or shoot me an email [email protected] and share your thoughts about this episode. I’m really curious what you have to say about crying. And if you found it insightful, share it with someone else who you think might find it insightful too. And if there’s any questions that you have that you would like to be addressed or here addressed on this podcast, then you can reach out me on social or via email as well. Alright, my friends, thank you for tuning in to this episode, and I hope to reach your listening ears once again. And in the meantime, remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
