Childhood Grief, Educational, Grief, Grief Stories, Grief Tips, Mind/Body Wellness, Parent Loss |
Losing a parent is a complex experience. You may feel shock, anger or frustration, or a combination of all three. Other common experiences include feeling guilty if you weren’t there for their death or a sense of the current situation not feeling like a reality.
As a child and even when you become an adult, you expect to have your parents around for many years to come. You believe that they’re going to be there, watching over you, providing you with their help and support until you’re well into adulthood yourself. But that’s not how it always works out. Many people lose parents early as I did (age 8).
Therefore, in this post, we take a look at some of the things that you can do after you lose a parent (from an adult perspective) and why the experience is so complex.
Do What You Need To Do To Take Care Of Your Wellbeing
Grief can have a profound physiological effect on the body. That’s because it puts you into a state of shock and can often happen without any warning. Even if you have forewarning, there is nothing that finalizes a loss like that person’s death. Even though you may know it’s coming, the finality of it often doesn’t hit until after the loved one passes. You may feel as though the person is already gone, depending on the circumstances (such as in the case of terminal illness or dementia). However, again, it’s not until the loved one passes where the finality hits.
Before the passing of the loved one, there are plenty of distractions, too. Doctor visits, daily tasks of caregiving and support, and logistical and practical things people need to be taken care of while they’re alive. Before a loved one passes, these familiar patterns of behavior suddenly change with death, and this alone can put people into an emotional tailspin. Suddenly, the need to be needed is no longer there. For some, this may come as a huge relief. However, it’s still a change in a familiar pattern of behavior. For others, it’s the sudden awareness of time and this desire to fill that space of time starts to creep in, so what do many grievers do? They find a way to keep busy. And, far too often, that is the unhelpful advice others will give, too. “Just stay busy and, you’ll be fine – eventually.” So, so unhelpful to a griever.
Therefore it’s at times like these that you need to ensure that you’re looking after yourself better than you usually would. Getting enough sleep, for instance, is critical. If you struggle with sleep normally because of work, you may request bereavement leave or a change in your duties. I’ve had several podcast guests share in this sentiment, too, to take the necessary time off. You will not be as productive, anyway. When we break a leg, we go to the doctor and take the necessary time off from work to heal. Why do we not do this with our hearts? Gotchya there, didn’t I? It’s absolutely true! Our hearts need time to mend, just like any broken body part would. Granted, there is no timeline to grief, and it can feel like a luxury to have time off. For some people, that’s simply not an option. That being said, what are your options? You may need to get creative, but sometimes just changing how you work can benefit your emotional health significantly. Maybe grief will help you to realize that the environment in which you’re working is toxic and that it’s time to find something else more nurturing to your spirit.
Grief is a clarifier, and it awakens the dormancy of other hurts in our hearts. Use the awareness that it brings to make positive changes forward for your well-being.
Another area you’ll want to tend to is ensuring that you prioritize your nutrition and cooking, even if you don’t feel like eating. Healthy foods are one of the best ways to get on the road to recovery. Clearly, aim for moderation in all things, and avoid alcohol use as dependency on it long-term can harm you. As I’ve shared before, alcohol and food can easily become STERBS (short-term energy relieving behaviors) that we resort to when all we want is to feel better. These things don’t make us feel better after, though. They only pile on the guilt and shame.
Share Memories
Telling stories about the loved parent that you’ve lost can actually aid you in your bereavement. Talking to grandchildren about your parents’ lives, for instance, allows you to appreciate their life and stops you from bottling it all up.
I recall a story that broke my heart. This person was an adult whose parent had recently died. The person expressed how upset it made them when their child brought up the grandparent (this person’s parent) and how they would, essentially, shut the child down from talking about their beloved grandpa. This absolutely broke my heart.
Young children know how to grieve. Heck, they express every emotion there is, don’t they? However, as we age, it is the adults in our lives (and unhelpful and hurtful) messages in society that perpetuate this belief that we are to not share our feelings and are to grieve alone. Therefore, emotionally stifled children become emotionally stifled adults. And, these beliefs about how to grieve are then passed on to the next generation.
Do you see why this is important to understand and why I am so passionate about educating about grief? Our future generations rely on us getting this through our heads and doing better than the generation before us.
So please, as much as it hurts you, put your adult ego aside, and please allow children the time and space to express themselves. Have the conversations about how you miss your loved one – together. Cry – together. Grieve – together. You are teaching a valuable lesson that they will carry with them well into adulthood.
I was not given that opportunity, like so many children aren’t. As an adult, expressing yourself and sharing memories is the fastest (and healthiest) way to feeling better. And, it’s so important to choose your listening ears wisely, too.
Do Something To Remember Them
You can also pay your respects by creating a tribute memorial for a loved one. This could be anything, from planting their favorite flowers in your backyard to creating a home shrine. You could also explore financial options, such as donating to their favorite charity.
Take Time To Forgive
Before you roll your eyes, read on…💛
Some people are angry with their parents. So, emotionally, their death can be even more complex. You feel various emotions, some of which make you feel dreadful about yourself and who you are as a human being. Trust me; I get it.
Life doesn’t always provide us with answers to all our questions. But that’s okay – you can accept the mystery. Therefore, you can forgive your parents, even if you don’t understand why they acted in the way that they did at times.
The beautiful thing about grief recovery is it allows you to address those moments in time you can’t seem to let go of and forgive. Those times that pull you back in time, and you feel the pain and hurt all over again like it was yesterday. These moments are impacting you daily, whether you realize it or not. How you are coping (or not) impacts your life, whether you care to admit it or not.
Forgiveness isn’t for them; it’s for you. It’s not about condoning or forgetting; it’s about no longer swallowing the resentment, which is a poison you’re holding onto in your body.
Forgiveness is about emotional freedom from the pain that you will no longer let those things hurt you anymore.
Allow Comfort
Lastly, you’re allowed to let other people comfort you and take over some of the responsibilities of your life for a time. Completely isolating yourself doesn’t do much to help, and it would likely make matters worse.
This is so hard for so many people who were raised as people-pleasers. You know who you are, the ones who take care of everything without a word needing to be said. You’re the one who gives until they’re blue in the face and, deep down, resentful for it. You want to be cared for but simply were never taught how to be because, again, you maybe had to grow up fast as a child. There wasn’t any coddling or nurturing in your life, so you found your resilience, self-sufficiency, and resourcefulness instead. You likely had a lot of responsibility as a child, too.
You don’t know how to be cared for and, I get you. I do. So, rather than feeling the pressure of delegating, start with YOU. What does your heart need today? A walk in nature? A soak in the tub? Or a good belly laugh? Nurture your heart with the simple pleasures of life and feel gratitude in those moments. Then, as you go, assess what you can let go of, delegate, and ask for help.
If you have children and are a stay-at-home/work-at-home parent, you may want to put them into childcare for a while or see if you can do a child swap with a friend – it’s a win-win! Or you could temporarily hire household help to assist with the chores. Find some way to build in support.
We often don’t know what we need until someone throws it in our lap. So, if you’re reading this and know of someone on the grief struggle bus right now, steal some of these ideas or read this post on learning how to support a grieving friend or listen to the podcast where my guests share tips just like this!
Childhood Grief, Grief, Grief Stories, Grieving Voices Podcast, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness, Pespective, Resources, Spirituality |
How Do You Know When You’re Healing?
Once upon a time, 2016’ish, to be more precise, I thought I was doing pretty well emotionally. I had officially closed my boutique photography studio, started a blog, and was writing regularly about what I had learned and experienced throughout the previous two years. I had also hired a life coach, was reading a lot of self-help books and landed a job that matches my desire for flexibility and variety. Things were on the up and up and, I was optimistic about my future. However, for two years straight, I felt like a trainwreck.
During those two years, as my health declined, and I felt like I was never going to do anything meaningful with my life (being a mom wasn’t enough for me), it was a discovery process of what I needed to address emotionally, what wasn’t working in my life, and what I needed to change. This was also on the heels of unaddressed post-partum depression. And ultimately, what started to happen was decades of unresolved grief started to manifest in my business and life during that time, too.
Fast-forward to 2017, after three years of personal development work, an opportunity fell into my lap and the book that I longed to write was starting to come to fruition. My dream of one day writing a book was actually becoming a reality! Nearly every weekday morning, for two months straight, I got up at 5:30 AM to write. Then, while in the editing phase of the book, I would be hit with a loss that would bring up the deepest, unaddressed wound I had – the loss of my dad. My dad’s only living brother, and the one whom my dad was closest to, had brain cancer. And, the moment I heard the news that he was in the hospital, I decided right then I needed to see him, despite the thirty years that had passed since my dad’s funeral, which was the last time I ever saw him. So, the same day of receiving the news, I went to see him; not knowing if he’d want to see me, recognize me, or even if he was well enough to have a conversation. With a knock on that hospital door, the trajectory of my life would change, solely on that one decision, to knock on his hospital door. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and yet, I felt with every intuitive bone in me, that was exactly where I was meant to be.
The visit was incredibly healing, and the timing divine, because within fifteen minutes of my arrival, his daughter and niece arrived, neither of whom I’d seen since a kid. We were all shocked to see each other there and it was a moment I will never forget. And, the months that followed, were the greatest gift to my heart, as I would be gifted with several more visits with my uncle, and with his passing, I had felt we both received a gift we hadn’t expected, and one that would have never been possible had I not chosen to put my ego aside, risk my own heart, and knock on that door.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, grief makes us feel like we don’t have choices. Let this story illustrate to you that we always, always have a choice. And, doing nothing is a choice, too. That one act led to me realizing that I wasn’t okay. The inner-work that I had been doing up to that point, albeit not wasted, hadn’t actually addressed the root of all of my issues – the grief! It was that experience with my uncle that prompted a Google search that landed me on The Grief Recovery Institute website, which led to me registering for certification that was later canceled (I couldn’t believe it), that led to me booking a flight to Austin, TX to do my training there scheduled for the same time. I knew what I needed and I wasn’t about to let anything stop me at that point. Again, I had another choice to make. Do I take that cancelation as the end-all, be-all option? Or, do I find the resources to make, what I knew I intuitively was guided to, happen no matter the extra cost? I obviously chose the latter. Again, I had a decision to make; I could choose to live in my grief another year, which is what it would’ve been before another training within driving distance would’ve taken place, or answer the call of my heart. Thankfully, I chose wisely and, my heart has not been the same since.
It was not until after grief recovery where I knew I was healing. Surprise! But, it’s absolutely the truth. Because, for the first time in my life, I was able to have conversations I had never been able to have with the people closest to me, and not find myself a wreck for days that followed. The more I utilized the tools and knowledge of grief recovery, the less I looked to others to give me what I needed to be giving myself (love, affirmation, validation, etc.). My confidence started to grow and my self-awareness was through the roof. It was as if the veil of grief (which I’ve spoken about on my podcast) had been lifted and, I was seeing my life (past and present) with new eyes. I had the most life-changing experience when I went through the grief recovery method. And, it’s in knowing how hard it is to do the work, how emotionally and physically taxing it feels in the process, that I can guide others through the same process. It is anything but easy. And, it brings up stuff that you thought was long buried. However, in grief, you’re already suffering. You may as well be suffering and moving your feet. You may as well be moving one foot in front of the other, knowing that week by week of going through the process, you’re shedding another layer, and lifting that veil of grief higher and higher, until you, too, see clearly. Grief recovery is a clarifier of your life, a purifier of your heart, and allows you to be an emotional processing plant rather than the emotional storage tank you have been.
10 Ways You Know You’re Healing Emotionally
You find yourself changing your behaviors. Where you used to get angry about something someone said/did, you can step back from the situation and consider why that reaction provoked you. You may also be choosing healthier options in food, drink, or even friends.
You’ve discovered what your boundaries are and have implemented them in your relationships and life.
You’re no longer a pile of tears in the fetal position after you start talking about a story of loss or something that happened to you.
You no longer feel the need to share the story with anyone who will listen. By this, I mean that you’re not sharing with the intention of needing or getting something in return: sympathy, validation, affirmation, etc. You find yourself sharing because 1. you were asked 2. because you have found your way beyond the pain and want to share to inspire and connect. You understand grief because you’ve been there. You understand life beyond it, too, though, because it no longer dictates your life either.
When other people share their emotional stories, it doesn’t bring up your emotional pain thereby, causing an emotional reaction in you.
You see opportunities where there was once fear.
You feel hopeful about your future.
You find yourself pausing, bringing awareness to your feelings, before responding to situations or people with your emotions. The phrase I tell myself, “I don’t know what I don’t know” is my go-to to help me with this one.
When wounds from the past, that you long thought you buried, come up out of the blue, rather than resort to the same behaviors you used to, to feel better at that moment, you sit with all of the feelings, and seek support or help to work through it.
You ask for help. We do not heal on an island. We heal in community with others; with support, guidance, and a heart with ears.
I hope today’s blog post provided some good insight into healing; that it’s a journey of self-discovery and every choice you make can either make or break your path to healing your heart.
We go to the doctor when we have a broken bone. We go to the dentist when we have a broken tooth. And yet, when we have a broken heart, we somehow think we can intellectually and logically heal hearts.
You can’t heal the heart with the head. You must tap into your heart. It is necessary to dig up the past if you want to heal it. Those that feel differently about that are likely not ready (or willing) to face what has long been emotionally unresolved within themselves.
My word of caution to all those hurting today reading this: be careful who you take your advice from; it could potentially be more harmful and hurtful to your healing. Many people value freedom. However, where most people miss the mark is understanding that the most difficult prison to break free from is the prison of one’s own mind. Being attentive to your heart will bring you the kind of freedom that can’t be bought. The caveat? You have to choose to do the difficult inner-work to get there. And, doing that is also choosing a more fulfilling, emotionally stable, and joy-filled life.
P.S. TODAY, 6/11, is the ONE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY of my podcast GRIEVING VOICES!!! 📣🥳Thank you so much for listening, sharing, reviewing, rating, being a guest if you have been one (or are upcoming), and overall support! I am a one-woman show when it comes to the podcast, and I’ve definitely learned a TON along the way. And to think, I was hesitant and unsure right away because I wasn’t sure anyone would want to share their stories. And now, people wanting to be guests pop up left and right. And, if you are wanting to be a guest, and share your story, please head HERE and fill out this form. I don’t care if you’re an expert in a field or not; the premise of the show is to share your grieving voice and story. Everything beyond that is secondary.
Educational, Grief, Grief Stories, Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast |
Taking 1% Responsibility
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Taking ownership, and responsibility, for our feelings and reactions in life, is often challenging. It requires us to do some self-evaluation. By the time we reach adulthood, however, we’ve likely had many grief experiences, which contributes to a victim mindset so many grievers have but don’t acknowledge. And, acknowledgment is difficult, too, because you can’t “un-know” something.
Once you know you’re fulfilling the role of being a victim in your life and other people are responsible for your happiness, well, it is then up to you to do something about it. There is a gap, however, that exists in-between.
Today, I discuss the importance of taking even just 1% responsibility. I provide real-life examples of how not taking personal responsibility for our feelings looks like in everyday life, and hopefully, by the end of the episode, I’ve sparked some self-reflection.
It can feel disheartening to know that no matter what you do or say, you’re not going to change others’ behavior towards you, but if you can take 1% responsibility, no matter what anyone would ever do to you will never matter. You are the captain of your ship (and your heart) – no one else.
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If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, there are free resources available HERE.
If you’d like to share your grieving voice on the show or want to share your thoughts about an episode, please send an email to [email protected].
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
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CONNECT WITH VICTORIA (@theunleashedheart):
Today we are going to talk about taking 1% responsibility this one actually, is one of my favorites because it was the hardest for me to learn. But it’s one of the most important that I wish to share. And I’m sprinkling in some personal stories. But I want to get started with this as being one of the hurdles of grief. Because we have this incorrect belief that other people or events are responsible for our feelings, we might say things like so and so made me so angry, or so and so ruined my day. I think all of us could say this about COVID right now, couldn’t we? Actually just told someone today that they had asked if I had taken a vacation or went away on vacation and I said: “Nope, COVID ruined those plans,” which COVID did. But the only thing I have control over and the only thing you have control over when it comes to COVID is our reaction to it. And I’m pretty sure we all agree that there are a lot of people not handling it very well. And as a result, treating other people quite poorly, actually which is incredibly unfortunate. But this brings my whole point in this episode of why this is so important for us to understand as it applies to grief. Because as the whole world replies and responds and reacts to this pandemic, we’re all responding differently.
Many of us, myself included, have a really difficult time taking ownership and how we react and how we feel about it, right? Another comment that people might say is, if so and so hadn’t done such and such to me, I would be okay. Like you did this. Now I feel this way. These are very common responses. And when it comes to grief, this is what keeps us stuck. When we don’t take responsibility for our feelings and our actions we suffer. And this influenced learning, you guessed it begins in childhood. As I’ve talked about before and several of the previous episodes, what we learn in childhood about grief is what we resort to when we are adults. So as children, If dad or mom said to you, you make me so happy, or you make me proud or don’t make your father mad. I heard that one many times. So what we learn in growing up as children and hearing these things, is that the actions that we take cause the feelings of others. And if I can make them feel something, then they can make me feel something. And I bet you’re just like, oh yeah, you’re listening to this and you’re like that’s so true, because it is, it is so true. And this keeps us stuck in this victim mentality.
Victim Mentality
I have a whole chapter about victim mentality in my self-published book, the guided heart moving through grief and finding spiritual solace, which I published in 2017. And it’s on Amazon if you’re interested. But I have a whole chapter devoted to this because it was truly a huge struggle for me. And at times, I find it can be still, Eleanor Roosevelt has said: “No one can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission,” and I wholeheartedly agree. But growing up in hearing these messages and growing up and not understanding, as an eight-year-old child, when I lost my father, how to process those feelings and then really had been a difficult child, in a way, because I cried a lot. Actually, my family got together recently and my brother said to me, “You cried a lot.” And, I did. I think I was truly a very sad child. And I would go to hide to cry. Because it was shameful; I felt ashamed for crying, for having the feelings I had. And that’s why I wanted to hide them. I didn’t feel safe expressing those feelings. We give all of our personal power away when we allow others or events to be 100% responsible for our feelings. And in doing this, we also make them responsible, are those events responsible for ending those feelings as well, for making us feel better, or for making the situation right in our own minds, right? Like, we look to that person, then, to fix it. Like, “you screwed up, you made me feel this way. And now you need to fix it.”
Grief Keep Us Stuck
And in loss, we may reflect back on all of the things through our childhood, or young adulthood, depending on the loss that occurred. And think back at all of that, what we feel are offenses that were done towards us to make us feel a certain way. And we will continue to look at that person that they need to fix this. They need to own what they did. What happens if they never do? What do you do, then, if you are hanging your happiness hat on what someone else does or the way someone else responds to your pain that you feel they inflicted, that’s a lot of power you’re giving away, folks, when you realize that that’s never gonna happen. You either then accept it and move on and process those feelings. But if you are not able to do that, you’re stuck in emotional jail. And this is why grief can keep us stuck.
Let me give you an example to illustrate this point a little bit further. So let’s say someone is sitting at a red light. And I’ve done this I’m sure you have to where you kind of daydreaming and not really paying attention to the light. Well, then it changes. And that person behind you just blares their horn and you get startled and what do you do right away? What is your knee-jerk reaction? Are you going to roll down your window and say hey thanks, thanks for letting me know the light changed, I was just daydreaming, or you likely going to give them the bird in the rearview or curse under your breath? It’s more likely the latter. We are the architects of our own discomfort. And we fail to recognize that we are responsible for the feelings that result from our attitudes and actions. Let me ask you another question. What ruins the picnic, the rain, or our reaction to the rain? You cannot do anything about the rain. However, what you do have control over is your reaction to it. The same is true for almost all losses. For example, losing my father – what was causing my grief? Was it the loss or my reaction to the loss over the course of the next 30 years? Well, it was both. And although I couldn’t undo what had happened, I could do something about my reaction to it. And I’ll tell you what, it took me 30 years, more than 30 years, to do something about it. And for a lot of years prior to that most of those years actually. I felt like a victim. I felt like a victim of that loss. I felt like a victim to the circumstances that I was then after that loss, I felt stuck. I was absolutely stuck in my grave.
But what we can do is we can acquire skills to help us complete our relationship to the pain and the heartache caused by what happened. You see, over time, we develop all of this influenced learning. We develop an automatic critical response toward others or circumstances that we hold responsible for our feelings. So rather than examining ourselves, which I was not doing to be honest, until grief recovery. I take that back, about 2014 when I started to really dive into personal development that’s when I really started to do some self-examination. But prior to that, I had that critical response where I was examining the thoughts and behaviors, and actions of others who I held responsible for my happiness.
When it comes to the past, we can only control our current reaction. Otherwise, we will forever feel like a victim. We sustain and recreate the pain of the past through our own memories as well. People may say, “let it go move on, you can’t change the past.” However, they are likely holding on to the same belief system about personal responsibility that you care about something in their life, nothing changes until you take responsibility for your recovery. And so the idea is to take 1% responsibility, which can open your head and your heart to a new way of thinking and challenge those old worn-out belief systems and patterns of behavior that are keeping you stuck in your grief.
The Power of Choice
So the next time you find yourself in traffic, and you feel yourself just boiling up with emotional anger, consider that you have the power of choice at that moment, or at any other time that there is a stimulus. And you have a thought, which then leads to a feeling and then to a reaction or an action that you’ll take. Think of that loop? The stimulus, thought, feeling, action loop, and think about this podcast episode. How do you get off that loop? How do you get off the hamster wheel of being and feeling like a victim to the circumstances and to the other people in your life who make you feel a certain way, where you believe, make you feel a certain way.
My husband has a favorite phrase that he uses and says to our kids, he’ll say: “There is no such thing as try; you either do or you don’t.”And I would like to say that we can also apply this to grief that we either take 1% responsibility or we don’t. But we very much can try, right? It’s recognizing when we’re on that loop of stimulus, thought, feeling, action, loop, that is not serving us that is keeping us stuck in these old thoughts and patterns and behaviors. That keeps us stuck in certain relationships. Think about this episode. As you move about your day, the circumstances that come across your path, the people that perhaps influence your feelings throughout the day. And know that if you’re allowing that to dictate your feelings, even the rest of the day, we can have something happened to us at eight in the morning and it can do rail us the entire day. I experienced this. I know what it’s like. I know, I get it. It’s life in general. It’s not easy. I totally get it. But to have the awareness when we are stuck in that pattern. That’s when we can change how we respond and react.
P.S. Catch all episodes of Grieving Voices HERE or on your preferred platform HERE. Check me out on Instagram @theunleashedheart. If you liked this episode, please share it because, sharing is caring 💛 Much love, my friend.
Grief, Grief Stories, Pespective |
Less Than Happy Mother’s Day
This Mother’s Day, and maybe even the many before it, may not be happy for you or someone you know. Today’s post is to honor and recognize those who are going into this Mother’s Day with a heavy heart.
If you are a bereaved mother who is missing a phone call, visit, or hug from a child, have an angel baby, or empty arms – this Mother’s Day will be less than happy, and my heart goes out to you. And, perhaps it’s not a child you are grieving. Additionally, it must also be recognized that there are those, too, young and old, who may have their mother in their life, and it’s still a less than happy Mother’s Day. For many reasons, children with living mothers may find this Mother’s Day difficult, too. Whether due to incarceration, abuse, not knowing their biological mother, or simply a less than loving, healthy mother-child relationship – there’s grief that exists in those situations, too.
Mother wounds go both ways. We can feel like a wounded mother and can also be carrying a mother-wound inside of our hearts, too. One never knows by looking at another which it may be. And, it could be one or all of these scenarios, too, that are making this a less than happy Mother’s Day.
So this Mother’s Day weekend, no matter where you find your heart, whether in joy or sorrow, know you’re not alone. It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to be sad. And, it’s okay to be grieving what’s been lost or what you’ve never had.
Here’s a little ditty I wrote off the cuff just for you…
There’s a wound I carry, so deep and so true.
No one can see it, but it’s ever-present, feeling raw and new.
What you see on the outside is deceiving, my heart knows this, too.
But, it’s hard to show the hurt and the pain that one word stirs within; a sigh of relief when the day comes to an end.
What’s in a word – so much weight, feeling too heavy to carry, pressing and pressing until I bend.
Love and loss, what might have been, too many questions creeping in.
Mother. To have and to be – such a blessing and a heartache that is ever-present within me.
Mother. It will break your heart a hundred times over. But, if you’re lucky, will fill you with love a thousand times more.
If you find yourself feeling less than happy, please give yourself some love this weekend. Buy yourself some roses, breathe in the life of nature, and exhale what is no longer serving you.
With Love + Light.💛
Childhood Grief, Educational, Grief, Grief Stories, Grieving Voices Podcast, Growth, Personal, Resources |
The 6 Myths of Grief
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Through influenced/generational learning, we are taught unhelpful ways in which to address and help ourselves (and others) through grief.
This episode highlights the six myths (and misinformation) of grief that have a direct impact on our ability to cope with what is emotionally incomplete. These myths contribute to why we have a difficult time moving beyond the emotional dis-ease that grief brings to our lives.
Tune in next week; I’ll be talking more in-depth about “Academy Award Recovery,” as mentioned in this week’s episode.
Are you wanting more content like this? Head on over to Instagram or Facebook where I share more info just like this, and say hello!
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If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, there are free resources available HERE.
If you’d like to share your grieving voice on the show or want to share your thoughts about an episode, please send an email to [email protected].
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
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We learned by many different methods and one of these is called influence learning. But I’d like to also call it generational learning because our parents tend to fall back on what they were taught and their parents and the parents before. And I can attest to that as well as I am a parent of three kids. And before grief recovery and before actually diving into my own grief, I did a lot of these things and said a lot of these things that I’m going to share with you today. And so when as you’re listening, there might be a knee-jerk reaction to feel bad to feel like you’ve been failing as a parent. I know when I was learning this myself and was going through certification and had to kind of dig into the error of my ways, I guess. I felt a lot of guilt, actually. And I will talk about the guilt word. But that’s for another conversation. But I did feel really bad about having the awareness as to how I was responding to my children’s emotional needs. I had never really dug into my own and had not addressed my own. Although I had tried for many years, even seeking therapy. At one point, I just had not really dealt with head-on what was emotionally and complete. And so when it came to my children’s needs emotional needs, that is. I responded much like I was taught and much as I will dive into today. So let’s get started.
Myth 1 | Don’t Feel Bad
The first myth of grief is don’t feel bad. Often this message is shared by Don’t cry because we are born into a family. And we are born into having the ability to learn by sight, hearing, and all of these things, the senses. And so we watch and we learn from watching and emulating what our parents do by 18 to 24 months when we start to gain verbal skills. And from that point forward. We also learn by what is said. Hearing the message don’t cry is basically meaning don’t feel bad. As a young child, I often was told if you wanna cry, go to your room. And I did I would go under my bed to cry. I often would hide in the linen closet to cry. At one time even a search party was sent out there was I mean like a search party but you know family had to go look for me because they couldn’t find me. And I do believe that time I was in the kitchen cupboard. And so I would hide to go cry because I didn’t feel safe obviously, sharing my emotion. And because I am who I am I you know about Pisces I’m An INFP on Myers Briggs. I’m also a highly sensitive person, I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve. So you really do not usually have to guess how I’m feeling. I was really taught though early on to hide how I was feeling. Because expressing my sadness, or anger or anything like that was, was kind of unacceptable or it really wasn’t embraced. I do feel like because my mom had not addressed a lot of her own grief in her life and didn’t know how to respond to mine and often would respond in anger. And so when my children were young, I often did the same, I would respond and had a hair-trigger for anger. Grief recovery has caused a lot of reflection in my life, if I would have had this information that I have today, back then. I do feel like I would have been a very different parent. And that’s why I’m also very passionate about this work.
Myth 2 | Replace the Loss
But coming back to the myth of don’t feel bad, we then morph into another myth of replacing the loss. Because if we expand on that, let’s say, as a child when my father passed away, he was 44 and I was eight, I was the youngest. And my next sibling is he was 14 at the time. And so my mom really rather quickly replaced the loss of my father. And that message, obviously really has stuck with me because that’s what I was seeing. That’s what I was learning. And growing up, we lose someone, replace them, right? replace the loss. And a simple message like this is passed on, even just by a child losing a pet, don’t feel bad Victoria, we can get another dog tomorrow, right? Or friend moves away? Well, don’t be sad there’s plenty of other friends you can make and you can try to find other friends. It’s these, they’re unintentionally hurtful. But they are damaging, these messages are damaging. And this is what influence learning is, it’s this generational learning that is passed down to us. And so if we expand this on into teenagers fall in love for the first time, and end up breaking up or let’s say my son had a girlfriend, and he got ditched. And I would say, don’t feel bad, there is plenty of fish in the sea. How often do we say things like that, right? So we have one math Don’t feel bad, then we add on to it with replacing the loss. And, if you’re going to cry, go to your room. That’s okay. There’s plenty of fish in the sea.
Myth 3 | Grieve Alone
This expands to the next math, laugh and the whole world laughs with you. And I bet you can finish that sentence, right? Cry and you cry alone. And it’s heartbreaking to realize that when you’re sad and might really benefit from some emotional understanding that you were taught to be by yourself. And so this leads into the next myth of grief. And that is to grieve alone. We can remember all of these instances in our childhood. And I’m sure as you’re listening, you’re thinking of some things yourself, it would be sad enough if it ended with feeling dismissed and misunderstood as a child as I did. Unfortunately, though this kind of misinformation becomes the foundation of lifelong habits. Many of which directly interfere with our ability to be happy. It’s tragic, right? It is absolutely tragic. If I need to grieve alone, then you do too. We grow up feeling like these are the correct ways to respond, to grieve, to isolate, to grieve alone, to not feel bad. And if I’m growing up believing that this is how you deal with grief, right? then you should too. This is how you do it too. And so we pass this on and this is how we respond to society as well.
The day my dad died, I was in school, and my sister is the one that came to get me. And I just remember it was like this out, it’s like an out-of-body experience. I can see myself holding your hand and we’re walking down the hall. It’s like, a kid you not. It’s like this out-of-body experience, I can see it today. And I’m looking at the back of us. And she says to me, “Dad died.” And at that moment, I don’t know what I was thinking at that time. But the impact of that statement changed my entire life. I was not given the opportunity to share what I was feeling, to share what I was experiencing. I saw my father lying in his casket and there was no discussion, no conversation with me about what this meant. There was no support for me. The teachers didn’t even know how to respond, the school didn’t know how to respond. Obviously, my friends, my peers, my classmates, the same age as me, didn’t know how to respond. I just remember that being like a very lonely time for me. That I do remember, the one statement that sticks out in my brain is that at my dad’s funeral. I remember someone saying and talking about me, she doesn’t know what’s going on. Anyway, I looked at my children at the age of eight. And I thought about that scenario of where I was growing up, when I was eight, in that what was going on in my life at that time. And there is no doubt in my mind that if my children’s father had passed away when they were eight, that they would not have understood or known what was happening or going on, children understand far more than we give them credit for. I mean, if you can take a three-year-old and give them an iPad that they have never seen or touched, and they can figure it out, you can bet your bottom dollar that they understand the emotional connection. And when that’s lost.
Myth 4 | It Just Takes Time
So up to this point, we’ve talked about not feeling bad, replacing the loss, and grieving alone. And next, we’re going to talk about the next myth is just give it time. Because why? Time heals all wounds. Or does it? I’m here to tell you, it absolutely does nothing that passes the two messages that replacing a loss and just give it time do not go together. Because if replacing the loss would have fixed my mother, she wouldn’t have to wait for time to heal her. And on the other hand, if time were to heal her, then maybe she wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to replace the loss. The concept that time heals is probably responsible for more heartache than any other single wrong idea our society has about dealing with grief. Because the terrible part is that it isn’t true. It’s one of those falsehoods that’s been passed down from generation to generation. And the mistaken idea that after enough time passes, something will magically change to make us whole again, is really preposterous. If we were dealing with any other human pain, no one would say just give it time. If you came across a person with a broken arm, you wouldn’t say just give it time. Just as broken bones should be properly set to heal and ultimately function again, so must the emotional heart. And I can tell you after 30 plus years of grieving the loss of my father, the time has done nothing for me but it is the action I’ve taken within that time that has mattered. So time heals is absolutely false. And we need to quit buying into it as a society. If you discovered that your car had a flat tire, would you pull up a chair next to the car and sit and wait for the air to somehow get back into the tire? No, it’s silly. Why would you do that? So time itself does not heal. It is what you do within time that will help you complete the pain caused by loss and I’m a testament to this. So far, we’ve covered four of the six myths. Don’t feel bad, replace the loss, grieve alone, and just give it time.
Myth 5 | Be Strong (For Yourself & Others)
Next, we’ll talk about being strong for others. There are no specific instructions on how to do that. It’s one of those expressions that sounds good but has no real value. And it has to be one of the most confusing ideas relating to the loss. And it’s confusing because it is undoable. Truly, if you think about it, be strong for others. What does that even look like? You can be strong or you can be human. And you know what, we’re all human. So I’m not even sure what being strong means. And when I think about being strong for others, or for yourself. It’s like a passage that we put on the show of I got this, this is gonna get me down. When really inside, we’re probably crumbling a little. We don’t have that support. And we know we don’t have that support we need because of these myths I’m talking about that society has taught us that our parents and their parents have taught. We apply these myths that don’t feel bad, replace the loss, grieve alone, just give it time, because of how society responds to us. And because of what we’ve learned, we attempt to be strong, we attempt to have broad shoulders and a strong back, because we don’t have the support to do anything but that right?
Myth 6 | Keep Busy
Another myth that is common that most people believe to be true and helpful yet it is neither is to keep busy, that you must stay active or keep busy are two clichés that we all have heard following any kind of significant loss. And here’s one important question, Does keeping busy discover and complete the pain caused by loss? The obvious answer is no. Well, then what does keeping busy accomplish if anything, it distracts you. And it makes one more day go by keeping busy buries the pain of the loss under an avalanche of activity. Every griever can attest to doing something to distract themselves from what they are feeling. And this is absolutely exhausting. And there are other dangers to and keeping busy. I have defined grief as the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or a change in a familiar pattern of behavior. So a death, a divorce, or any other major loss produces massive changes in all things that are familiar. And it is very difficult to adapt to life after loss. If you were never a busy person before a loss, keeping busy would add yet another major change to what was familiar. The most dangerous flaw of keeping busy is the idea that it will make you feel better. Busyness is just a distraction. It does not alter the fact that you have to take direct actions to complete the pain caused by the loss. So we have discussed six pieces of information, miss information about dealing with loss. Don’t feel bad, replace the loss, grieve alone, just give it time, be strong for others, and keeping busy.
None of these ideas lead us to the actions of discovering and completing the unfinished emotions that accrue in all relationships. And I can tell you, I identify with every single one. And I would bet if you’re listening to this, and you’re thinking about your losses, you resonate with this too. Earlier I talked about you know the grave and alone myth and how it teaches us to isolate ourselves. Since isolation is one of the problems confronting grievers in our society then participation is clearly part of the solution. So I encourage you to participate in your own recovery and suggest that you start right now. Using the list of the six incorrect ideas as a guide. See if you can think of any other ideas that you were taught or that influenced your beliefs about dealing with sad, painful, or negative feelings. All of these myths I’ve shared with you today cause us to have an indifference about our own losses. And lead to us pretending to put on an Academy Award recovery front to pretend that we’re happier than we are, to put on a brave smile, to really almost avoid even talking about our loss. Because other people have been taught these very same things and reflect on us based on their perspective and their lens of their loss. How we should be responding. Either we’re grieving too long, or not long enough, or talking about it too much or not enough. Right?
We can never satisfy society and how we express our grief. But when it comes down to it, we are all a little uncomfortable around other people’s losses, because we are incredibly uncomfortable facing our own. From my heart to yours, thank you for listening. If you liked this episode, please share it because sharing is caring. And until next time, give and share compassion by being hurt with yours. And if you’re hurting know that what you’re feeling is normal and natural.
P.S. Catch all episodes of Grieving Voices HERE or on your preferred platform HERE. Did you find this episode helpful? Rate, Review, or Share it with a griever you know and love! 💛
Grief Stories, Grief Tips, Growth, Personal, Pespective |
“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. — Haruki Murakami
You’ve probably seen that quote before. Maybe you scrolled past it on Pinterest, or someone texted it to you during a hard season. And maybe — like I used to — you read it and thought, “That’s easy for you to say.”
I get it. When you’re in the middle of grief, loss, or heartbreak, the idea that suffering is optional can feel like a slap in the face. Like someone is telling you to just… choose better, choose differently; as if it’s that simple.
But here’s what I’ve come to understand — and what I want to offer you today — because it changed everything for me:
Pain and suffering are not the same thing. And that distinction might be the most important thing you learn on your healing journey.
Pain Is Part of Being Human
No one escapes it. Not one of us.
We lose people we love. We lose relationships, jobs, identities, and versions of ourselves we thought we’d always be. We lose the futures we planned and the expectations we quietly carried for years. In grief recovery, we describe grief as the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations — anything we wish would have been different, better, or more.
That’s a wide net. And most of us are caught in it far more than we realize.
We are taught how to acquire — how to build relationships, earn degrees, grow careers, and start families. But no one teaches us what to do when those things are taken from us, or when they don’t turn out the way we imagined. That gap? That’s where so much of our pain lives.
Pain is real. Pain is valid. Pain is not the problem.
Suffering Is What Happens When We Fight the Pain
Here’s where it gets honest — and maybe a little uncomfortable.
Suffering occurs when we resist what is. When we attach ourselves to what should have been, what could have been, what we wish were different. Suffering lives in the loop of the story we keep replaying.
Let me give you an example I use with clients all the time:
Imagine we’re sitting together, having a conversation, and out of nowhere, I kick you in the shin. Ouch, right? That’s pain. Real, immediate, undeniable.
Now imagine two weeks later, you’re lying in bed at night, and your mind drifts back to that moment. You start replaying it. Why did she do that? What was her problem? I can’t believe she did that to me. The more you think about it, the angrier you get. The more it hurts. The more it consumes you.
Here’s the truth: I’m not there anymore. But you’re still letting me kick you.
That’s suffering. And it’s self-inflicted — not because you’re weak or broken, but because no one ever taught you there was another way.
Rumination Is the Silent Thief of Your Present Life
This is one of the most talked-about struggles in the grief and mental health space right now — and for good reason.
Rumination — the act of replaying painful events, conversations, or losses over and over — is one of the leading contributors to anxiety, depression, and prolonged grief. It’s not the event itself that causes the most damage. It’s the story we keep telling ourselves about it.
And I’ll be the first to raise my hand and say: “I’ve been there, done that, too.”
In the past, I have found myself in a spiral — unable to focus, emotionally all over the place, replaying a situation I had zero control over. Loss of productivity. Emotional exhaustion. That low-grade hum of unease that follows you into every room. Sound familiar?
That’s what unnecessary suffering looks like in real life. It doesn’t always look like falling apart. Sometimes it looks like functioning — but barely.
You Always Have a Choice. Even When It Doesn’t Feel Like It.
Grief has a way of making us feel powerless. Like we’re passengers in our own lives, just waiting for the pain to pass.
But here’s what I know to be true — and what grief recovery taught me:
Time does not heal all wounds. Time only passes.
It’s what you do within that time that matters. It’s the action you take, the awareness you build, the moment you decide to stop letting the past steal your present.
That’s not toxic positivity. That’s not “just think happy thoughts.” That’s the hard, honest work of choosing differently — even when it’s uncomfortable. Even when part of you wants to keep stewing, because at least that feels like you’re *doing something.*
Choosing to release the suffering doesn’t mean the pain didn’t matter. It doesn’t mean what happened was okay. It means you are no longer willing to let it cost you your now.
🎙️ Listen to This Episode of Grieving Voices
If “time heals all wounds” is a phrase you’ve been holding onto — or one that’s been said to you — I want you to hear this episode.
Grieving Voices | Episode 4: The 6 Myths of Grief
“Time heals all wounds” is just one of six myths that society has handed us about grief — and honestly, it might be the most damaging one. In this episode, I walk through all six myths that have been passed down from generation to generation, why they don’t work, and what to do instead.
Because here’s the thing: if time alone healed grief, we wouldn’t still be carrying losses from years — or even decades — ago. It is never about the time. It is always about the action you take within it.
What Does Choosing Differently Actually Look Like?
It starts with awareness. Noticing when you’ve slipped into the loop. Catching yourself mid-rumination and asking:
- Is this thought serving me, or am I just rehearsing my pain?
- Am I processing this, or am I just replaying it?
- What would it feel like to set this down — just for today?
It means feeling your emotions fully — not stuffing them, not distracting yourself, not pretending everything is fine. Grief asks to be felt. But there is a difference between feeling and feeding—between honoring your emotions and drowning in them indefinitely.
And it means taking action. Because healing is not passive. It doesn’t happen to you. It is something you choose—again and again, on the hard days and the okay ones.
Here’s What I Want You to Walk Away With
At the end of your life, will you look back at what’s consuming you right now and wish you had suffered over it longer?
I’m asking myself that same question today.
The answer is always no.
The pain you’ve carried is real. Your grief is real. Your losses — every single one of them — deserve to be honored. But your *life* deserves to be lived. You can’t fully live in the present when you are anchored to the past.
You are not your suffering. And you don’t have to keep choosing it.
If you’re ready to stop replaying the story and start writing a new one, I’d love to walk that path with you.
Struggling with grief that feels like it’s running your life? I’m here to learn how I can support you, match you with one of my offerings, or connect you with other resources.
