Grief, Grieving Voices Guest, Grieving Voices Podcast, Parent Loss, Podcast, season 5 |
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Today, I’m sharing my conversation with my former Do Grief Differently client, Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer, a dedicated research associate at UT Austin’s Texas Center For Disability Studies.
Delyla shares her transformative journey into special education and advocacy after initially struggling to find direction in life. The conversation is especially poignant as it marks the second anniversary of her father, Fred Boyer’s passing—a pivotal moment that led Delyla to seek help with me through my one-on-one, 12-week program, Do Grief Differently. This dialogue illuminates how grief was once an unspoken topic in her family but has since become a source of personal growth and healing for Delyla.
Key Takeaways:
Embracing Change: After living with her mother in Houston, Delyla transitioned to a new career and community in Austin, strengthening familial relationships.
Understanding Self: A significant revelation came when she discovered she was on the autism spectrum—a realization supported by her sister—after years of being misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder.
Building Resilience: Through vulnerability and resilience, Delyla faced grief head-on with therapeutic tools like Do Grief Differently, tapping, and supportive friendships at work.
Honoring Legacy: She finds unique ways to commemorate her father’s memory, such as bike rides where she spreads his ashes, highlighting how accepting emotions can lead to clarity.
Delyla’s story is one of courage and transformation. In sharing her experience working with me, she highlights the positive impact of structured support systems in navigating loss while fostering personal growth. By embracing adaptability and compassion identified through tools like YouMap and learning from cherished memories with her father, Delyla continues to advocate for others facing similar challenges. Her message encourages engaging with community resources for healing while maintaining hope for future endeavors within special education advocacy.
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CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Embracing Grief as a Catalyst for Personal Growth
Grieving is an inevitable part of life, yet it often remains shrouded in silence and misunderstanding. In the latest episode of “Grieving Voices,” host Victoria delves into this complex topic with Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer, a social science and humanities research associate at the Texas Center For Disability Studies at UT Austin. Delilah’s journey through grief offers profound insights into how embracing emotional pain can lead to personal transformation.
A Journey Into Special Education
Delyla’s path was not straightforward; she initially struggled to find direction in her life and education. However, once she discovered her passion for special education, everything changed. Her dedication led her to prestigious fellowships and advocacy roles, including participating in the Council for Exceptional Children’s Inaugural Diversity Leadership Academy.
The Impact of Loss on Life Choices
The podcast recording date holds particular significance—October 21st marks two years since the passing of Delyla’s father, Fred Boyer. His death became a pivotal moment that propelled Delyla towards seeking help with grief management through Victoria’s program “Do Grief Differently.” She reflects on how growing up in an environment where grief wasn’t openly discussed shaped her initial struggles but also highlights how therapeutic tools like tapping have aided her healing process.
Navigating Relationships Through Grief
Moving from Houston to Austin marked another significant transition for Delyla—both professionally and personally. This move allowed her relationship with her mother to flourish despite physical distance while working on mending ties with her sister using skills acquired from the grieving program.
Episode Transcription:
Victoria Volk: Hello, and welcome to this week’s episode of grieving Voices. Today, my guest is Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer. She is a social science and humanities research associate three with the Texas Center for Disability Studies. At UT Austin. After nine years of not taking life or college seriously, Delilah graduated with her bachelor’s degree and went into special education. This was a path that was challenging and rewarding. And it also opened doors to education policy fellowships and a love for advocacy. She continues to advocate and look for opportunities to serve, and she is also a part of the council for exceptional children’s inaugural diversity leadership academy. And she was also a participant in my program to grief differently in April of twenty twenty three, which is like a year and a half ago already. And that where does the time go right?
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: I know.
Victoria Volk: And so thank you so much for coming I know we talked about you being a guest on my podcast a few times even back in twenty twenty three. And so I’m finally glad to have you as a guest. And today is also a very special day, and maybe we can start there.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Yes. Thank you so much, Victoria. Yes. Today is a special day, October twenty first. This marks my dad’s second year of his death anniversary. His name was Fred Bowyer, and he was a an educator at heart and a leader as well in the public education setting.
Victoria Volk: And it’s also the loss that brought you to do grief differently as well. And it was obviously, it’s only two years today, and so it was quite raw for you at the time when you first came to work with me.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Yes. I found you actually just doing a search because I knew that I needed some help with grief and that’s where my journey started. With I never knew what grief was until I met you, Victoria. And when I went through with my dad just seeing him in the hospital and being there for him. So I thank you for helping me on this journey.
Victoria Volk: It was my pleasure. And I want to rewind the clock a little bit though into your childhood and just share with people what you were taught about grief and learned about grief before and growing up. And then how that changed for you in what you learned through through do group differently?
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: As a child, I remember my first time, I was in fifth grade, and I heard that my grand my grandmother passed and my parents ended up going to the valley and told me to stay at school. And I did. So I I really wasn’t sure what was going on. I just knew somebody did pass and that I was supposed to continue to do my school work, be there, get good grades. So as a child, I don’t think I was really talked to grief really did was talked about it. And it was kinda I feel like it was maybe swept under the rug. And even when my grandmother did stay with us, it was like the doors were closed when she was when she had leukemia. But it it was something that was there. That I just didn’t know how to I didn’t know how to cope.
Victoria Volk: Yeah. We’re not taught the language either of how to express that sadness that we’re feeling or the uncertainty and and the unknowns. Yeah. And and because grief affects all areas of our life even as children. Right? Like, even as children, like, it can affect your friendships and excuse me. You know, you’re not showing up as your true self when you’re feeling burdened. You know? Yes. So how how did that change for you then in in what you have learned about grief through the through the process of do grief differently? And and how you kind of process those feelings even today, like, on this anniversary?
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: It’s taken a lot of therapy, and I’m grateful for therapy I mean, even finding you, Victoria. But how I process it more is, like, for instance, today, I took the day off work, and I decided to just do things for myself. Go for vicryde. I’m gonna go for vicryde, and I’m gonna spread some of these ashes. And I guess, how I process it throughout, you know, the job? Because, you know, it does sneak up. It has snuck up a lot throughout the job. I I’ve learned tapping mechanisms. So I’ll do some tapping. But when I do feel that overwhelming feeling coming on, And I have great coworkers that understand my body language, which is so amazing. So they ask if I need a break or if I need the lights off or you know, so I really think that they’re a safe place for me. And it’s talking to people. I think that’s the major thing. Talking to people and telling them, No. I’m not okay right now because I believe that grief can be swept under the rug and I believe that’s what happened during my childhood and even when my dad did pass. It was like that. But I had to learn to use my voice and the tools like you, Victoria, and my therapist, Stephanie, and that’s where it’s changed. I’m like, I am greedy. I need to show these feelings. I will show them.
Victoria Volk: What was the biggest takeaway do you think that you got from the program? And Yeah, just what was the biggest takeaway for you?
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Oh, gosh. I told everybody that I didn’t realize that grief wasn’t just losing somebody. I think that was my biggest takeaway. Grief is loss of a job. I mean, Grief is starting a new job. I mean, I feel like I grieved so much during since August. Since I did start a new job and everything.
Victoria Volk: And you moved? Yes. I moved neighbors, new community, new city.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Yes. So I that’s all grief and one. And So, yeah, you’ve taught me that, Victoria, that it’s just not losing my dad. It’s it’s losing a whole eighteen years of being a special education teacher and, you know, that was my decision. That was my decision for my mental health to say, I need a change.
And yet even with that, I grieve my students. I I wonder where they are and I know in August, I saw these bus all the buses coming out, and I was just like, I just felt sad. I was like, you know, by this time, last year, I was a teacher. I was getting my room set up. So, yeah, grief is not just losing somebody, and that’s the biggest thing that you’ve taught me.
Victoria Volk: How has the transition been for you into this new career, into the new community, and and the tools that you’ve leaned on to work through those transitions?
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: It’s been difficult. I I it’s been difficult with the transitions. I really don’t like change
Victoria Volk: Oh, does.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Exactly. Who does?
Victoria Volk: People don’t.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Yeah. But I just talked to my therapist, like, maybe a couple of minutes ago, and I was just, like, you know, I’m gonna embrace it. And what I’m doing is embracing the changes and maybe the yuckiness that I don’t like. And with my tools, with my tapping, with making sure I’m grounding myself, even taking a break at work, like going outside and walking, it’s really helped me to come back. To what I need to do. Like, even if it’s getting back on the computer and, you know, doing my data my data abstraction or, you know, getting on a meeting, It’s a challenge that I work through it.
Victoria Volk: Now, when you live you you lived with your mom in Houston. Are you living by yourself now in Austin?
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Yes, I am.
Victoria Volk: That’s another big change. Right? So it has not been going. Like, it’s almost like you’re like, yeah, you you were with somebody. You know, you were with your mom and now that how has that changed? As it bedded your relationship, sometimes sometimes we aren’t meant to live with our parents, you know, and that clash especially, you know, when you’re as an adult, you know?
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Yeah. Well, she was the one that said, I need my space. So I wanted to Okay. That yeah. If she I wanted to honor her and acknowledge her and get her space, the space that she needed. And so, you know, I was ready. I was I was ready to make the move and everything I missed home this weekend, so I did go home and I got some long time. So I I really wanna say that our relationship has grown stronger since we’ve really been apart. Yeah. Mhmm.
Victoria Volk: Distance makes the heart grow fun or they say. Right?
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Yeah. It does.
Victoria Volk: Maybe it was something you didn’t I mean, do you look do you look back now, like, the time that you were with your mom, and then now the time that you’re are more on that you’re on your own? And have your own space, like, have you found that that you did too need it?
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Yes, I have found that I’ve needed my space, you know. That’s all I ever knew. I mean, since we did take care of dad and and then afterwards, I mean, she was all I ever She’s all I ever knew. And I was just like, okay, time to cut the cord. And it’s been wonderful for us.
Victoria Volk: You know? Do you almost feel like because you both were caring for your dad? That you maybe there was a part of you that was finding it difficult to let go of caring for her, like, when your dad passed and then this tendency to wanna care for somebody else. You know, we can kinda replace that loss Right? You know this from the group differently. You know, if someone passes away, maybe we or moves or whatever, like my child started kindergarten, my last one, I got a dog. I replaced that loss. To put that love somewhere else. Right? That love and care somewhere else into something else? Do you feel like that’s kind of what you were trying to do after your dad passed and and caring for your mom and maybe too much? And she was like, wait. Wait a minute. You don’t need to do this.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Yeah. I do feel like I was doing that. And I wanted to protect her, you know, I wanted to care for her, I wanted to protect her I didn’t wanna leave the house that, you know, I grew up in. I thought, you know, maybe Dad would come back and it was just, you know, being there for her. Like, I felt like I needed to be there for her, but she was the one saying, Okay. I gotta beep by myself. I gotta learn how to live by myself because this was my husband for, like, thirty five plus years.
Victoria Volk: Very true. And again, like, that’s a perspective. Maybe as you the grieber, aren’t really thinking, you know, it’s like I need to be there for her, but yet at the same time, you know, we often don’t think about the other person’s perspective or what it’s like their experience and their shoes. Like, no, I I need to learn what it’s like to be on my own because it was her first now it’s her first time too, really.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Yeah. That is yeah. I mean, at our risk, I love her so much for saying that when she needed to. Like first, it was like You wanna get rid of me? But I think I’d go back to, you know, it kinda makes me think of when my dad did pass and everybody was telling me to, you know, go back to work right away and she gave me the space that I needed. I was like, mom, I can’t go back to work. Like, I need to grieve and she she was the one that just said, go to your aunt’s house. She has an empty room. Go. And And I don’t know why I connect those two, but I do.
It’s just like, you know, she gave me the space that I needed, and so I guess that’s why it connects. I’m giving her the space that she wants and needs. So, yeah.
Victoria Volk: I’m glad it’s been a beautiful experience for you both and that it’s ultimately brought you closer together. And I think that’s a beautiful thing because you very well could have been like heartbroken and sad that, you know, and maybe even resentful that she’s now kicking you out of the house in a way. You know, like, you could have taken it that way. Like, she’s kicking you out, but really, it was from a place of love and and her communicating her needs and that that’s I’m so glad that you were both honoring that for each other. That’s a beautiful thing.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Yes. She’s amazing.
Victoria Volk: Through the program though, you also work on another relationship. Mhmm. You know, it’s a twelve week program. So what was the other relationship that you worked on? And what would you like to share about that?
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: The relationship that I worked on was with my sister, Caitlyn. And I chose that relationship because my sister and I have never had a really great bond, not sisterly, you know. It’s like we call each other or we text each other, but that’s about it. So I worked on it because I wanna grow closer to her. And right now, she has a baby. I’m a I’m an aunt. And so it was important for me to work on it to grow closer to her.
Victoria Volk: And how has that changed your relationship? Do you feel?
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: It’s I mean, we talk more. I call her more. She calls me. She sends pictures of the baby. You know, she’s helped me with work a lot. I have a meeting coming up, so she’s helped me tweak some of my thought point my thinking points up. So I would say that the bond’s growing in a direction that I want you know, I saw her in September, her and the baby, and she just let me take charge of the baby. She was just like, you’re in charge of cleaning the diaper, go ahead, and he’s feeding. I was like, okay. And, I mean, I even saw her in mother mode. Like, I it was just amazing. Like, what she was doing. She she’s so detailed and so, you know, just loving with the baby. That detailed in, like, she knows what he eats. She wants to know how much he eats. And, you know, I just I love seeing in her in action and she’s she even called me and said that she knows I’ve been having some difficult times and she’s, you know, she’s here for me. So it’s grown stronger since I’ve worked on that relationship.
Victoria Volk: I love that for you. Because I know she was a huge advocate for you too even before you met me.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Yes. Yes. She was a huge advocate. And she was a huge advocate in in stating that I needed to get diagnosed with autism. You know, this is probably the first time that I’m actually saying something like this. But in the past, I was I was misdiagnosed with bipolar. And over medicated. And I felt like a robot in my entire life until until in my thirties, you know, I saw a different psychiatrist, and he went through everything with me. All the questionnaires, everything. And he was just like, yeah, I’m not seeing. What the other person is in.
Victoria Volk: How many years were you medicated for? Kermit’s diagnosis of bipolar, which is crazy to me.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Yeah. Probably fifteen years.
Victoria Volk: Wow.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Until my thirties, like, when I was fifteen, you know, fifteen years.
Victoria Volk: When you started to question and your sister was kind of encouraging you. Is that kind of
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Yeah. I started questioning probably in my late twenties because I kept on saying I’m a robot. I feel like I’m not in my body. Mhmm. And then I did see that. It was It was just an amazing person. You know, he heard me. I forgot his name right now, but thank you. And he just listened to me and he unchecked all the boxes of thigh fuller, and he said something else is going on. And then that’s when my sister in my thirties, I remember. She sent me a video of women being misdiagnosed and being misdiagnosed as bipolar, schizophrenia, a lot of different things. And then finally in their forties, late thirties being diagnosed with autism. And it just really hit me. It it hit me in a good and bad way. I was just like, what? I was like, no. This can’t be it. But then I was just like, maybe this these are the answers to why I had such a difficult time in school and why it was difficult for me to communicate with my parents. So Yeah, Adi, how are you – how are you
Victoria Volk: – I know you mentioned you had to have a therapist now, but how have you – does this therapist believe that you are on the spectrum? And then also how are you managing now your mental health and that in that way?
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Yes. She does believe that around I am on the spectrum, and and she has given me she really doesn’t have that expertise. So what something new, Victoria? So on Friday, I believe that was October eighteenth. I actually got officially tested. Oh. So I don’t know the results, but We’ll see in, like, three weeks what the results are that I think I don’t need that validation. I know who I am, what my past was, how my childhood was, and even talking to my parents, the difficulties that I did have. It just validates what my sister has been advocating for me.
Victoria Volk: I’ve had other guests who have, you know, had questioned mental health diagnosis for many years and then received that diagnosis. And for some, it can it surprised them of how impactful it was. Then at the same time, it’s like, well, it doesn’t change anything. Right? Like, it doesn’t change my heart, it doesn’t change who I am, and you know, you’re still gonna be Delyla. Right? You’re still gonna be highly functioning. Right? I mean, you can you got your bachelor’s degree. You’re working in research and you’re living on your own, like, you can still have an amazing quality of life regardless of whatever diagnosis you have.
And I think that’s an inspiring thing for people to hear.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Yes. Thank you.
Victoria Volk: So I’m glad you shared about it here.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Thank you. Yes. I am too. Some of my coworkers do know, but not everybody. And I’m just, you know, My sister said it best. Embrace it. Don’t hide yourself because it is very tiring, you know, trying to just grow go with the crowd and everything, but I that I’m gonna change that perspective, you know. I’m Delilah. And like you said, nothing’s gonna change that.
Victoria Volk: How have you seen that as being a challenging thing for you though in in terms of in terms of relationships and connecting with people, how has it been challenging for you? What have you learned that can might be helpful to others?
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Yeah. Gosh. I guess, with friendship relationships. It’s been very challenging. I will trust the wrong people. Yeah. And I’ll give them a second or chance. And than that their chances enough. You know? And I trust a lot. And it’s really hard when that trust is broken. It it hurts. And so I’ve lost a lot of friendships. And, yeah, like, I lost a friendship over a misleading conversation that one of their friends said something differently that I was, like, hitting on them. And I was, like, I’m not hitting on you. Like but it was, like, my friend didn’t trust me. And I was like, can you give me the proof? Like, that I’m doing this? And they couldn’t. And I was just like, well, I I’m not doing what you’d think I’m doing. And after that, it was just a realization that, okay, we’ve been friends for two plus years. And this is gonna be the end of it because you can you don’t believe me and they went on their own way and I’ve gone on their own way. I It was hard, but I guess it was better that’s for the both of us. So within that, that friendships are really hard. Like I said, I
Victoria Volk: can’t for anybody. Yeah. And let’s be real.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Right.
Victoria Volk: Even as in your forties, which happy belated birthday, by the way, which was in September
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: though. Yeah.
Victoria Volk: It’s it’s no different. It’s like you still feel like the kid on the playground you know, that was traumatized because somebody said something and, you know, assassinated your character or made up rumors or lies and, you know, you know, you feel like this defensive little child on the inside, you know. Right. Yeah. It’s no different in your forties. I think that’s the, you know, mean girls, elementary school, become mean girls as adults. I mean, let’s be real.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Yes. I mean, they really do. And I guess now in my forties, I guess that’s when they say, you kinda know what you want and, you know, And I and I feel that. You know? I I do know what I want. I I think I’ve always known what I want, but it’s just like, you know, enough playing around. Like, if you’re gonna be my friend, like, This is how it’s gonna be, and I’m gonna have boundaries. And I do have those boundaries. So I have I have my coworkers, Ida and Adriah. They’re amazing girls, and we weren’t as co workers, but we’re friends as well. And like I said, they they’re just amazing. You know? And I believe that they’re a friendship that will last, and I would like it to last. It is very difficult to make friends.
Victoria Volk: But Especially in the new place. Right? New place, like, job, like, know, you like that kid on the playground again. Like, yes. And the the new kid at this, you know, that moved to town and
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: yes. Or the one I remember soccer. Like, I was a big soccer player on the field. And I was just like, I was one enough who’s gonna pick me. So, like, yeah, it’s just that whole thing over again. But I think that’s what just makes me, you know, grow grow. Yeah.
Victoria Volk: It’s like you you grow through your insecurities and putting yourself in uncomfortable positions, which is what you’ve done. And and I just wanna commend you because do you feel like before you went through the program. And I’m not saying doing the program was the only thing and the one thing that changed everything. I mean, it did for me, but that might not be true for you. What do you think is true for you though? The Delyla before do grief differently in the Delyla now?
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: It is true that with doing grief differently. I had to go head on with the messiness. I literally had to be the lotus that grew in the mud. And before then, I wanted to escape. There’s still an inkling nummy that sometimes wants to escape, but like even today, I told my therapist I said I wanted October to be over, but then I embraced it. I was like October. I’m here. The Delyla before would shut the door on her parent and cry underneath her blanket and or maybe scream. Today, I’m doing grief differently. I’m embracing it.
Victoria Volk: I love how you threw that in. Because that’s what it’s called. Right? Let’s do this differently. Let’s do this differently. That’s the whole point. I’m just so happy for you that you’ve had this lowest moment in your life. This it’s a chapter that is going to unequivocally impact the rest of the chapters in your life.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Mhmm. What do
Victoria Volk: you look forward to most? Oh, gosh. What gives you hope for the future?
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: What gives me hope is the work that I do. You know, I started out as a special education teacher, and I’ve always worked with students on the spectrum and various abilities. And now I’m embracing my own uniqueness. So I guess that just that was in itself knowing that it’s never too late to do something. That gives me hope for the future and just knowing that I have a lot of love to give and I know I can do hard things. That gives me hope for the future. I used to not like the word resilient, but I’m always hearing that from my mom. She’s just like you’re resilient to dilate. And you know, I am, but I can also be vulnerable. And vulnerability might get me in trouble a little, but or it just may scare me, but I think that’s what the world needs. Vulnerability. Love caring me. Yeah. Just life in general. I don’t know. I’m ready to have I’m just ready to enjoy life.
Victoria Volk: I wish I had a clip from our first session together in early twenty twenty three
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Mhmm.
Victoria Volk: And do a side by side. It’s like night and day.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: I know. It is
Victoria Volk: because I don’t record the sessions. And there’s a reason for that, but, you know, because it’s like, you know, for your privacy and all of that, I don’t record sessions. But I think one of the I don’t know if it was with you that I started it, were you write yourself a letter? Mhmm. Beginning.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Yep.
Victoria Volk: Did we circle back to that at the end? I don’t think we called now. We didn’t.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: I know I wrote a letter to myself, but I’m not. We circled back to it.
Victoria Volk: I don’t think we did. And it’s it was just for you. Right? It was just for you, but I’m curious, do you remember anything from that? And and like Oh, no.
I I hate to put you on the spot.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: No. It’s fine. No. I I think
Victoria Volk: it’s like, do you feel like that letter you wrote? Resonates with the you now. I really do.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: You know, I I feel it does resonate, you know, with because I was so lost back then. And I wanted better for myself. So, you know, I’m going out of my comfort zone. And, you know, I I I told a guy that I liked them. And it didn’t like and didn’t go the way I was planning on doing it or how I wanted the outcome, but I did it. And that was my first time that I ever did that. So yeah. And I’m doing acrobatic stuff. So I wanna say that that letter was to enjoy life and do something different, which I did. You know, I I said goodbye to teaching and got a research job. So, yeah, all in all, I think that letter I’m living that letter. I’m living that letter to myself, and now I really wanna find that letter.
Victoria Volk: Yes. You should. It’s it’s like a time capsule. Right? Yes.
And it was with you that I started that. So every client now I have them do that because I think it sets the intention for who you who you want to be and where you want to be to twelve weeks following, you know? Yeah. And an aspect of the program too was you map where we look at your strengths and skills and values? And how has that what role did that play in you transitioning and finding this other role? And what you learned about yourself? That you didn’t, like, really it’s so easy for us to point out the great things in other people. Right? But to own what we bring to the table. And so how did that help you?
And that how did that part of the program help you?
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: That program really helped me see that I am truly worthy of you know, something different, something challenging, you know. I’m a data abstractor, so I’m behind the computer, analyzing various things. And it was just like, I have to say when I went into the interview, I didn’t think I had any of the qualities, but I Victoria, doing that work with you, the values and made me realize that I had a lot of skills transferrable to from education to a research associate. So it just gave me the to, like, ace that interview and just be, like, Okay. I may have some weaknesses, but I can learn. Mhmm. And it has it has been a learning curve. I I wanna say that I may not be given a lot of tasks, but it’s because I’m still new at the job, so everybody’s trying to figure out figure me out and I get that. So I’m just I’m being there and I’m being a helper. I’m being I’m being honest. I’m being open. And I’m saying, you know, these are the skills that I have. This is what I need to work on. And, yeah,
Victoria Volk: I just pulled up your u map because I wanted to to just share with listeners. And you and just a reminder to you, your top five strengths are adaptability. Like, whoa. You’ve totally been doing that. Right? Deliberative. Which isn’t executing strength. So adaptability is a relating strength. Deliberative isn’t executing strength. And so you take serious care in making decisions or choices.
You anticipate obstacles. So that’s a great quality to have. Mhmm. A great strength to have. And then you have two thinking things, intellect and input, which are wonderful for what the job that you’re doing. Right?
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Yeah.
Victoria Volk: And then developer is your final one, and that’s a relating strength. And you recognize and cultivate the potential in others, which is great for team building and working as a unit with other people. And also the adaptability piece in relating to other people. Recognizing that, you know, your strengths may not be the same aren’t not gonna be the same as other peoples. And so adapting to the strengths that other people bring as well. Right. And I love I’m just looking at your top values too. Authenticity and adventure. Mhmm. Community, boldness, compassion, trust, respect, leadership, determination, balance. And you have a lot of the your most preferred skills. I see in what you’re doing assess, observe, research study.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Yeah. What?
Victoria Volk: Yeah. Speed others, initiate change. Yeah. Collaborate. It just seems like a lot of what and and you’re the doer and the helper. It’s getting the job done, but in community with other people. Right. And I’m so happy for you that you found a nurturing environment in order for you to grow in as well. Thank you. I’m so happy for you.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: That’s good. Thank you.
Victoria Volk: I just wanted to share with people listening that this is how your grief differently. The impact it can have on someone’s life is we don’t just look at the grief itself. It’s not all sad and gloom, doom and gloom. Right? Like, it is because it has to be. We have to look at the past because it’s influencing and impacting your future in your present day. You would agree with that. Correct? I will It was impacting your life tremendously.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Yes.
Victoria Volk: So you have to look at it. And work through it. And now, like, today, you took today off, you’re honoring your energy, you’re honoring any sadness that comes up for you because even going through the program, you’re still gonna feel sad. Right?
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: That’s yep. It never stops.
Victoria Volk: But the difference now is, can you articulate now for listeners how that how that is different today than it was before you did this program? That exactly, like that pain that you felt Yeah. What that would do to you? And now what happens? Like, today instead?
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Oh, today or before the sadness would overcome me. I wouldn’t wanna get out of bed. I would I basically wanna just shut the world out.
Victoria Volk: How’d you feel physically?
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Tired, exhausted, mad at the world.
Victoria Volk: Probably not ready to go on a bike ride.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Oh, yeah. Never. Yes. I I definitely put on you know, physically, I was putting on weight, and then it was not only affecting me, but it was affecting my mom. Again, we were living together. So me being mopee around the house or not coming out of the room affected her, and then she was worried about me. So she couldn’t do her own grieving. So that’s back then. Now, I’m living on my own. I am I honor him in different ways. Like, I’ll take his ashes and we’ll go on a bike ride and I’ll spread him somewhere that I really enjoy. Now, I can talk about it. I don’t. I’m not so depressed. You know? It doesn’t it doesn’t feel so heavy on my heart anymore. Like I felt I’ve really felt Victoria that I felt so heavy. Like, I was I consumed all this stuff that I couldn’t communicate, but I can communicate about it now, whether it be journaling or to my mom, I’ll call my mom, and I’ll just be like, this is how it is, or I’ll call my sister, or I’ll talk to my coworkers, my very close coworkers. So now it’s I can talk about it and it doesn’t weigh so heavy on me. And I have this, I guess, more light in my in my face.
I mean, I guess if you were to see me back then versus now, like, I definitely can tell that there’s, like, a different energy going on.
Victoria Volk: You’re permeating. You know what I mean? It’s grief is energy, joy is energy too. Right? And so if we’re feeling that heaviness within ourselves.
That’s what we are projecting. That’s why you said your that’s why your mom was feeling that too and and she couldn’t grieve because of course she’s your mom and she I mean, that was a perspective that I don’t you didn’t draw that connection. When you were going through the program with me, like, that wasn’t even something you were considering.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Right?
Victoria Volk: And so it’s like now she can breathe maybe. A little bit, you know you know, because now she can focus on herself and her grief.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Right?
Victoria Volk: And you can work on thriving. Yes.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Yes.
Victoria Volk: Which it seems like you’re doing. So I’m so happy for you. That’s exciting. I love the Delilah that has now been expressed that was always there. Right? Like, this Delilah was always
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: there. It
Victoria Volk: was just you know, like I said, it’s like a veil that you wear. Right?
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: You
Victoria Volk: know, you can’t see yourself clearly, so you don’t see others clearly.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Mhmm.
Victoria Volk: And now that you’ve worked through all that stuff, you can look at your mom and you can see the impact that that was having on her. You see things more clearly?
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Yes.
Victoria Volk: And you see what you bring to the table in relationships, and what you need in response to others in connection with you.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Mhmm. Yes.
Victoria Volk: And you have the language?
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Yes. I do. I do have the language. I it’s it’s amazing, you know. And I You know, I still do the work every single day.
It never stops.
Victoria Volk: And as soon as that was my next step, I was gonna segue into that.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: No. I mean, Victoria, I think you said it as like it never stops. He continued to do the work. And so I do do the work. I see a therapist every other week, sometimes weekly, and I’m the one that voices it. I’m like, I need to see you next week. Can we can we open this face up? And she’s always been grateful to do that. So, yes, it’s always doing the work. I may have a hiccup, you know, go back to, well, what about this? Or what if this? You know, maybe with my dad. While he was in the hospital, but then I’m just like, okay, do I want this has happened, you know, do some journaling, or maybe write a poem about it, and I do. And then I think about how he’s not in suffering anymore, how he’s not in pain, and how I’m not in pain anymore. I mean, I know pain will always come back in some aspect that it doesn’t weigh so heavy, so much on me where I just shut the world out.
Victoria Volk: Sadness and pain are very different. Right? And that’s what I said. You’re still gonna feel sad today. Of course, it’s not gonna be pain, settings from the pain. Yeah. Yeah.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Yeah. That isn’t. So yeah.
Victoria Volk: What would you tell people who are not sure what to do. I mean, because I you were that was you at at one point. Right? Like, you didn’t know what to do. Like, what what was the thing that told you? I I just gotta do this. Like, that kept that because people can come up with all kinds of excuses. Right? I don’t have the time. I don’t have the money. I don’t have the mental bandwidth. I got so much going on. I’ve got kids. I gotta do this. I gotta do that. We don’t make the time for yourselves. What was the thing that helped you to just make that decision to invest in yourself and do this?
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: I think it was me and my mom how much of an impact I was, like, my depression and everything was impacting her and just being so closed off and wanting to sleep. So, like, I think it was just everything. Like, the the sleeping, the crying. I was just tired of it because it was even making me more tired. I was like, when is this gonna stop? And just the thoughts of, like, it should have been me instead of him. Because I remember saying if I could have given my heart to him, I would, you know. But it was, like, I want to say it was that moment that I was like, I need to find somebody. I need to find some help. I I need a wrap my head around this. I need somebody to guide me because I don’t know what I’m doing. And if I went if an eye and if I kept on going down that hole, it would have been bad. But, I mean, I’m so grateful that I found do grief differently. And I was given the tools to help me, myself, and my family. Because again, Victoria, I think you said it best. Like, I didn’t realize how much it was impacting my family until now I think about it, I reflect, and it was.
Victoria Volk: What would you say to somebody who’s sitting across from you a friend and they’re considering this? What would you say to them?
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Do it. Do it. It’s worth it. You’ll learn a lot about yourself. You’ll break down some barriers.
Don’t cry. You’ll get angry. But all of those emotions and feelings are validated. And I, you know, if it was a close friend sitting right next to me, I would be there. I would tell them I’m holding your hand throughout the entire way. I’m gonna be here for you. So if it’s for anybody, like, Zoom people, I’ll be here for you. You know? Yeah. Just do it.
You’ll see
Victoria Volk: if there was? Yes. If there was anything you could have changed about the program or anything that was missing, what would you say?
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Oh gosh. I I really feel like the program was just great. Everything was great. I do I do love the addition to the letter to yourself. So keep on doing that. No. I I wouldn’t change anything. I I loved it. It helped me. So
Victoria Volk: Yeah. And these questions were not rehearsed by the way. Yeah. I did not send you these questions. So No. He did it. I wanted the true honest, you know, response in the moment. So thank you so much for sharing. And, again, I know what it did for me. I know what it’s done for you. I know what it’s done with the countless people who have gone through it. And so I I appreciate you so much for sharing your story of the Delilah before and the Delilah now. And I’m I love this is what I love. It’s transformative. And this is You are a perfect example of of how it transformed your life. What you put in the work? I give you the credit. The credit doesn’t go to me. Sure. I resuscitated it. I held your hand, but you did the work. And everyone who goes through the program, they do the work. And it’s it might seem cookie cutter. Right? Like, your friend, if you have a friend that would go through it, they’d go through this exact same process you did. But It’s different because it’s your unique story. It’s your unique grief. It’s your unique process that you’re taking yourself through. And that’s why it’s not cookie cutter.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Yes. It doesn’t. Every thought story is different. Definitely.
Victoria Volk: Is there anything else that you would like to share that you didn’t feel you got to?
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: I just I wanna say, Vivek, thanks to my mom, my mom, Olga Boyer, just for you know, be in there. She’s always been there. And I know she will. Just and I I think everyone on this journey It’s been a journey. There’s been ups and downs, but I am holding to the ups. And I know there will be some downs sometimes, but like my mom said, I’m resilient and I will continue to do my work, my advocacy work, my research, I’m a big researcher. And, you know, in the future, I hope to continue my political advocacy work was special special education children because those children are very deeply connected to me even though teachers out there. So even though I’m not a teacher anymore, I always think about my teachers. So, yeah. Thank you.
Victoria Volk: And thank you for the work that you do in your advocacy work and for to be in the voice for those children. The future children that I have no doubt that you are going to advocate for. So thank you so much for being the light in this world that is so needed too.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Thank you, Victoria.
Victoria Volk: And I have one final question. Yes. What has your grief taught you?
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: My grief has taught me. That it’s my grief. It’s nobody else’s. I can sweep you off your feet whenever whenever you at least expect it to,
Victoria Volk: and not in a romantic way.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Exactly. Not in a romantic way. It is I can sweep you off your feet where you’ll get stuck in the mud again. But I can’t wanna say that I just sit there with it. And I’m just like, okay. Let’s do this. Let’s okay. I’m feeling some crying. Let’s do this grief. Let’s do this together. And why are we doing this? Oh, because something, you know, because that memory of dad came up, you know? Or, you know, you were vulnerable. So Okay. And it didn’t turn out the way you wanted it too. Let’s just sit with it. So it’s it’s taught me not to bury it because if you bury it, it just gets worse.
Victoria Volk: What is the lesson your dad taught you that comes to your mind, you know, daughters and their dads, you know,
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Oh gosh. I wanna say when he decided to take the morphine, he did it himself. He made that decision. And he asked us each one. Or he told me he was like, don’t be mad if I do this. I was just like, why would I be mad? You know? You’re in so much pain. I don’t want that from you. Do I want to be selfish and happy forever? Yes. But he taught me me, bravery, he taught me how to be courageous. The many times that I was with him in the hospital. He taught me even on his less thigh and breath. You know, I my whole family just stood there around him. That death is a part of life and that he did it when he needed to go. So he taught me love and compassion even those last seconds when we were just there. Those last minutes, hours. You know? He he taught me breath free even though I was crying my eyes out and everything. And he taught me that he’ll never leave me even though he’s not physically here, that he’s guiding me along the way. So, yeah, he he taught me a lot.
Victoria Volk: What’s your favorite memory of him if you have one?
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: There’s so many. But I guess one that really pops out right now is he was a stickler for just getting me to school. Like, he wanted me to have perfect attendance throughout the entire elementary school year. So it was raining and the rainwater was up to his knees. So his car stalled. And what he ended up doing is he was determined again to get me to school. So he put me on his shoulders. And he walked me, like, maybe, two blocks just to school, just to get me to school. And he did, you know, he was all wet. He was trrenched. And I don’t know why that memory popped up, but it was just like him being determined. Like, you’re getting to school.
Victoria Volk: This summer hell or high water.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Yes. Exactly that. Come home or high water he has. And so, yeah, that memory just pops up, I guess, as well because it’s he was determined and he he always knew I was determined. So and somebody can say no, but you keep on going or, you know, you just keep on paddling, whatever it takes.
Victoria Volk: And never miss school. There’s no excuse. Like, you get your degree, you get it done, you do it. Yes.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Yes. So much. Yes. Mhmm.
Victoria Volk: There’s a lot of lessons in that. One one event. Right? Yes. Oh, that’s a great memory.
Thank you for sharing.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Thank you. I wish you
Victoria Volk: a beautiful rest of your day of honoring your dad and honoring your your grief and the sadness. However, it comes up and I hope this expression of your love for him has helped you feel connected to him today and feel a little lighter Yeah. And to be an advocate for other grovers that there is hope There is hope.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: There is. So thank
Victoria Volk: you so much for your time today.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Thank you, Victoria.
Victoria Volk: And if anyone wants to connect with you, how can they find you? Are you on social?
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Yes. Social. I have a LinkedIn at Deliloh Avaya Boyer. You can find me there. I do have an Instagram delightful Deliloh.
Yeah. And I have a Facebook Deliloh Avaya Boyer. So yeah.
Victoria Volk: I will link to those in the show notes if anyone wants to connect with you. Maybe there’s some collaboration as far as children with special needs.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Yes.
Victoria Volk: See work? Things like that, maybe opportunities that can flood your way to, like, padalila?
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Yes. I I am working on some cohorts right now, so political advocacy cohorts. So, yes, anything. Oh, thank you.
Victoria Volk: I’m happy to share that in the show notes. So thank you so much for your time again today, Delyla.
Delyla Ovalle-Bowyer: Thank you, Victoria.
Victoria Volk: And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
