Ep 121 | Christian de la Huerta

Christian de la Huerta | Awakening the Soul of Power

 

 

SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:

Christian is one of nine children born and raised in Cuba during turbulent times and in the Catholic faith.

His parents instilled in him the importance of excelling and reading. These early lessons laid a foundation. However, those lessons also set the stage for a desire to escape and not be seen.

Introversion and depression plagued his adolescence, as was his knowledge of being gay. With courage, he came out to his family. Christian speaks about this challenging time in his life and the ones that came to be in the future, including the recent (and unexpected) decline of his mother’s cognitive health.

Through his breath and deep, internal work, Christian paved a path to personal empowerment and now leads others in doing the same. Through the lens of 30+ years of experience, he shares two of the biggest hurdles others have to personal freedom and empowerment.

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CONNECT WITH VICTORIA: 

 

Victoria Volk 0:00
Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. Today my guest is Christian de la Huerta. He has 30 years experience and is a sought after spiritual teacher, personal transformation coach and leading voice in the breathwork community. He has traveled the world offering inspiring and transformational retreats combining psychological and spiritual teachings with lasting and life changing effects, and award winning critically acclaimed author he has spoken at numerous universities and conferences and on the TEDx stage. His new book, awakening the soul of power has described by multiple Grammy Award winner Gloria Estefan as a balm for the soul of anyone searching for truth and answers to life’s difficult questions, and has received a novelist Book Award and a nonfiction book award. So thank you so much for being here. And we are gonna go deep today.

Christian de la Huerta 0:52
Thank you so much, Victoria. I’m so happy to be here with you.

Victoria Volk 0:56
I actually really want to start, because I know you’ve done a lot of these podcast episodes, interviews, and then on the stage and things like that. But I really want to get to know you as a child, because I think our childhood really shapes our adulthood because adulthood is childhood reenactments. I say a lot. So I’m interested in learning about you as a child. So would you describe yourself as a child and your life? What it was like, for you?

Christian de la Huerta 1:24
Yeah, that’s, that’s interesting. I was I was born in Cuba. And so lived in a communist regime for the first 10 years of my life. And I’m one part of a large family of one of nine kids and only 12 years between the oldest and the youngest, and my mom was pretty much pregnant the whole time. Which I can’t even imagine having any kids, I’m happy if I don’t kill my plants when I travel. The scene so it was it was a beautiful and challenging in different ways. Childhood, I’m really appreciative of the fact that we grew up without watching TV, we had a TV, but there was nothing worth watching, really. So we grew up reading and I’m really grateful for that. We grew up creating, inventing our games and our pastimes and spending a lot of time out outside. So you know, when I see some of my kids in my life, you know, just like with their nose to the to the screen, just lost in there’s, it’s, it saddens me a bit. To see that. I was, you know, it was interesting, because my parents were involved in counter revolutionary activity. So they were conspiring against the revolution, or the Communist revolution, there was this kind of interesting push pull between, like an implicit, wanting to be seen and wanting to excel, like there was sort of sort of a family message like most of us were, like, really good students. I think we all were, and then because of their cattle revolute with the right kind of revolutionary activities, there was an innate, another message not to be seen too much. So So I see that, that, you know, I’m basically introverted, which, which means that you know, that I that I process internally that I need time off, if I don’t have time alone, that’s when I’m liable to lose my center. And so this was an interesting childhood me surrounded by kids and then having this also introverted streak like looking fighting for I was looking for my own space. And what I think your your, your audience might relate to also is that my adolescence, if you don’t, going forward a little bit, was one long depression with suicidal fantasies, like, I don’t think I know, I wouldn’t have done anything about it. But I did have thoughts about not not being alive and sort of like that escape fantasy, and and what’s important for your audience, because another another depth of the work that you do is that flash forward now, no matter what the details, or the circumstances are in my life, whether a relationship works out where it doesn’t, whether a project succeeds or it fails in quotes. I never, ever, ever questioned my sense of self, my level of self love self acceptance, are established, and unshakable and so that I know that that we can all break out of that stuff, the traumatic the difficult stuff, the self esteem, stuff from from childhood that all that stuff can be healed and transcended.

Victoria Volk 4:47
In your TED talk, you spoke a lot about this fight, flight or freeze and would you express that that was your adolescence, like was it like a, like a lack of stupid ability or security, like what was the? What was the grief? Of of your experience, then?

Christian de la Huerta 5:07
Yeah, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t say that I was in that. Maybe No, I didn’t know that I would say that it was in the fight flight or freeze mode. I think it was just numbed out. And for me, it was an existential struggle. You know, I knew at a young age that I was gay. And I was raised in a very Catholic, very Catholic environment. So trying to reconcile, you know, those two parts of who I am, there was a part of me that that’s always had a spiritual sense, sense of mission sets of helping humanity making a difference in other people’s lives, with serving the sacred that’s interpreted that in different points in my life. So there was a huge part of me, and this other part of me that was told by the religion in which I was raised, that I was, you know, another I’m an abomination in the eyes of God, that I was gonna burn in hell for eternity. So that was the struggle, which, you know, looking back on it, I’m grateful for that now, for several reasons. But one of the reasons is that it forced me to struggle with those tough, existential questions of, you know, who am I? What am I here for? What’s life about? What, why do we do the things we do at a younger age that most of us have to struggle with. And so, for that, I’m grateful. And it also gives me an ability and an ability to deeply empathize with another person’s pain or their grief, you know, the details might be different, but the experience is similar, for most of us, so so I’m grateful for all of that.

Victoria Volk 6:43
Where you accepted your loved ones?

Christian de la Huerta 6:48
Eventually, yes, I mean, my siblings immediately, my parents, you know, it took a little bit longer for it to, you know, for my mom to get to the place of, I just want my kids to be happy, which, you know, which that foundation was always there, so that I know that I’m blessed in that area that many other people don’t have, which was that I knew that the love was there. And no matter what, even though I spent years, you know, with with that deep, dark secret, not telling them, but once I finally did come out to them, you know, it’s it took some navigating for sure. And my father was a psychiatrist. So there were other layers around that of, you know, his philosophy about that, but but I knew that deep down inside the love, was there always.

Victoria Volk 7:43
Can I ask for those listening? Who might get a sense that their child may be gay? Or be struggling with their sexual identity? What is one piece of advice that you would give them? Is it to confront it, and just start the conversation or allow the child to express it in their own time?

Christian de la Huerta 8:11
You know, it’s hard to make a blanket choice about that, or suggestion about that? I think it depends. My inclination, my initial inclination would be to let it let it come out in the child, but I’ve also heard stories where the father, the father, or the mother, just opening up the space and, you know, creating an environment which, in which the kid feel safe, and you know, kind of setting them up, to be able to come out to them, but that’s also very helpful. Here’s the thing that I think will be helpful, because I know that the reason that all of us you know, but especially parents, you know, struggle with that, how can I accept this in my child, when my religion may be telling you that this is wrong, or that it’s sinful, or whatever. So it’s going to take work, right? It’s gonna, it’s, for me, it was it took years to get to that point of self accepting and reconciling my sexuality and my spirituality. But But here’s what’s really key is that a lot, there’s about six, and I’m going to go immediately to the majority religion and in this country, and the West, which is Christianity. There are basically six biblical texts that are interpreted, and I would say misinterpreted, to condemn homosexuality. And the thing to remember about about this is that they’ve been taken out of their cultural and historical context, and they’re very selectively interpreted. What allowed me to get through this into healers and myself is that I started doing a lot of research and discovered and realized that before the patriarchal times and cultures and religions, people that we today would call gay or lesbian or LGBT, or Q or whatever. We’re not only spiritually inclined, but wherever actually honored, respected, in some cases revered for the roles of spiritual service and spiritual leadership that they played all over the world. So my first book was called coming out spiritually, and dives deeply into that, because there are examples of that all over the world and all inhabited continent. And so that begins, like, once we’re able to reconcile that for ourselves as parents, then it becomes easier to arrive at that point is like, you know what, all right, well, I don’t know about this stuff, and where these teachings come from, but I know the love I have for my child, no matter what, and I help them to arrive to a place of inner peace with that.

Victoria Volk 10:43
Isn’t that the goal? Just to find inner peace with it on both sides? Right? Yes, yes. It’s better than creating, destroying the bridge between that relationship, there’s ripple effects in that for sure.

Christian de la Huerta 10:57
Oh, my God, and it’s so unnecessary. And so unnecessary. By the way, it’s important to remember to that because the more I think about this, the more that I realized that homophobia and misogyny are two sides of the same coin. And the more that I think about it, I think misogyny is really the deeper one. Because if you look at any culture, any religion, that persecute homosexuality, or you know, LGBTQ people, 100% correlation, they are the same ones, where women do not have equal status. And so, you know, taking one of those, you know, what are called the holy text of terrorists, those six biblical injunction injunctions that are used to condemn same sex behavior. One of them is like, you know, you should not lie with a man as you do with a woman. But what about two women together? You know, that, that doesn’t even come up? And why is that? Because at that time, in that culture, you know, women weren’t even human. Women were property. And so am I going to base my my choices about what’s right, and what’s wrong on stuff that was written, you know, 1000s of years ago, that was translated and re translated and mistranslated, stuff was taken out stuff was put into those those those, you know, sacred texts that were written by humans. And so I’m personally not, you know, and even if we, if we flash forward to today, you know, for, you know, like, the many examples of homophobic, straight men, you tell him, Oh, two women, or you show him a movie with two women, it’s like, Ooh, I want some of that. But how different two men together, it’s like, wow, you know, either either, you got to shoot them, you got to kill them, get rid of them, or the yuck factor comes out. So why is that? And I think is because of two women together. We’re not a threat to the status quo. Right? Because again, they weren’t seemed to hold the same kind of amount of power in the world and still don’t, which connects to the book that, you know, that I just published last year, whereas two men in their mind, I think they believe that one of them is willingly forfeiting giving up their superior male status, and that is a threat to the status quo.

Victoria Volk 13:19
Do you think that if men, just straight men in general got more in touch with their femininity, their feminine side? You know, the yin and yang, equally balanced? Do you think that would change things?

Christian de la Huerta 13:39
Of course it would. And, and, you know, because we’re part of the cosmos, the cosmos is equally balanced between masculine and feminine energies. So that means that those masculine and feminine energies course through every one of us, no matter what kind of body we’re in, and for some reason, you know, at the rise of the patriarchy, the feminine was made, was turned us into weakness into something less than, and whereas, whereas, you know, from my perspective, if you want to talk, strength and power and resilience and courage, let’s talk about the power of creation that lies in a female body and to lighten things up a little bit, you know, read about an interview of Betty White Pass to not long ago, the one and only inimitable Betty White, but apparently she was in one of those group interviews and somebody said something about having balls and she goes, Wait a minute, I don’t know where we got this connection between having balls and encouraging strength and strength you thumped those little things in the guy collapses bends over in pain. You want to talk courage and strength, let’s talk vaginas. Those things take a pounding.

Victoria Volk 14:56
You know, just yesterday, my soul i you actually mentioned her in your TED Talk Joan of Arc. And so my daughter, she’s going to be confirmed. I’m actually a convert to Catholicism. But I, you know, I struggled spiritually and religiously for many years because my dad died when I was a child, and I was sexually assaulted and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I wrote off God, I was angry at God, and I didn’t, you know, that relationship, I cut it off. And so I struggled for a long time, but I found something I could set a foundation of faith in. And it’s still evolving, it’s always going to evolve. And I think that’s where we kind of get stuck in our thought process. And then in our, we get stuck in our ways. Like, this is how it is, this is how it’s always gonna be. But I feel like I’m more spiritual now than I would say, I’m religious, you know, and that took a long time to get there. Anyway. Sure. My daughter, my daughter chose Joan of Arc, though as her patron saint. So anyway, I just said to her, I said to her yesterday, she has to do this paper on her and I just said, you know, well, you know, she was she’s like, she’s a badass. She, I don’t know how, how I will describe her. But I did say she has lady ball. That she had lady balls, you know, when you mentioned that, it’s like, oh, my gosh, my language, right. Like it is. It is in so this is my question, because I wasn’t gonna go here. But I feel like it’s, it’s just coming up. So currently, there’s this all this talk about gender neutral clothing, and I haven’t even seen the story I it was just shared with me and, and my thought is let the kids wear what they want to wear. Just let them wear what they want to wear. Let them express themselves. You know, here it’s us as parents and society, that places these places, children in a box, well, let’s just give them gender neutral, because they look male, and they they see male, so let’s just put blue clothes on him. But as adults, we were all kinds of colors. I’m wearing blue today. That make me male. You know what I mean? Like, it’s not a big deal as adults. It’s ridiculous. Why do we make it a big deal? I think we as a society, we make mountains out of molehills, where there doesn’t need to be just compassion, and kindness and free freedom of expression. Right? I have a picture of my child sheet my youngest girl, she, I don’t know, one time, it’s one of my favorite pictures. But she was dressed literally like a clown. Like just mismatched, and stripes and solids and all kinds of it. And she looked silly, ridiculous. And she had like a wellness check that day, I let her dress like that. I don’t care. Like what, you know, people get so afraid of what it what it says about them. You know? So I think that’s yeah, anyway, that’s my schpeel. What are your thoughts on that?

Christian de la Huerta 18:01
I think you’re absolutely right. It’s ridiculous and tragic. How much power we give away to others, and how much weight we give to what other people think how many choices we make, based on what we think they think. Right? So it’s all made up in our minds, and based on whether other people are gonna like it or not. And to me, it goes back to self esteem, right, the stronger our sense of self, the deeper that our level of self acceptance, the less and less and less that we care what anybody else thinks. And, and we get to that place of freedom, which I think is what we all have, we’re all longing for freedom just to be who we are, wherever we are. Because we spent so much time like with, you know, with masks, and being this way at work, and this other way, with, with our friends this other way with our family this other way with, with our lovers, it’s exhausting. It’s right, what if we were just able to, to be who we are, right, of course, selectively, unconsciously and intelligently. We don’t have to share every part of who we are with everybody in our lives. But it’s such a relief, we spend so much energy, worried about what other people think and then presenting ourselves in a way that we think they’re going to like exhausting.

Victoria Volk 19:21
Exactly. You mentioned in your TED Talk, too, which I’ll put that in the show notes link to that. But you mentioned you’re speaking the language of Grief Recovery. When you were talking about are you familiar with grief recovery method at all?

Christian de la Huerta 19:36
Not the method method specifically my degrees in psychology so and from personal experience I’ve also dealt with you know with grief, but I don’t know that particular methodology Grief Recovery, recover.

Victoria Volk 19:46
Okay. It Well, it’s based on the Grief Recovery handbook. But you were talking about particularly there was a spot where you’re talking about drugs and alcohol and shopping and gambling like all these ways that we call opened to distract ourselves from what we’re feeling. And I’m like, Oh my gosh, she’s speaking the language of Grief Recovery. Because in Grief Recovery, we call those stirpes short term energy relieving behaviors. And so as a teenager, when you are going through all of this struggle with self self acceptance, and you know, this tog, and what were some of the ways you were coping with that.

Christian de la Huerta 20:24
Yeah, you know, that’s, that’s a good, great conversation too, because we all do that, right? We, like most of us, I’m gonna say most of us, like, have become really adept at running away from numbing out or emotions. So and there’s so many creative ways in which we do that, right, that we numb out and not to not feel to not remember whether it’s substances, drugs, alcohol, food, whether it’s behaviors, exercise, social media, shopping, work, workaholism. Yeah, yeah, and not that there’s anything intrinsically wrong with any of those. It’s how we do it, how we a relationship to all those things, TV, and, you know, all of them have potential to be have good or negative effects not so good effect. I think for me, I definitely hit at my books. And I love you know, the fantasies science fiction, it was it was easy for me just get lost in these worlds, whether it was Lord of the Rings are the foundation series are so many other series like that, that I could just go get lost in book after book after book after book for your Pisces, no, I’m a Gemini.

Victoria Volk 21:42
Oh my son’s a Gemini, but just how you’re describing getting lost in the fantasy. I’m like, okay, that’s, that’s like me.

Christian de la Huerta 21:48
And you know, and it’s understandable, it’s easier to go through it with, you know, to not want to feel stuff that wasn’t pleasant, or to remember stuff that, you know, may not have been great experience. So it’s understandable that we want to run away from that stuff, but the price we pay, the reason that it’s not an effective strategy, as you know, is that that stuff doesn’t go away, just because we don’t want to deal with it. So we stuffed it in we stuff our emotions, and you know, what used to be spiritual teaching that everything is energy. Now we know from quantum physics, that everything is energy. And we know that energy cannot be destroyed. And by everything, I mean everything like this cherub sitting on the table, or the computer, the body, the emotion, even though it might feel solid, it’s just energy, just vibration. And so whenever we stuff those emotions, whenever we numb out and run away from them, it doesn’t go away. It gets it gets lodged in the tissues of the body. And after years, and decades of doing that, we walk around with layers upon layers upon even more layers of repressed emotional crap, and unhealed past situations. And here we are trying to have a relationship in the present moment. And all of it is getting filtered through that lifetime of unhealed trauma, and repressed emotions like Yikes, how any relationship can work is it boggles my mind, because we haven’t been taught how to hold on how to approach them. And we certainly haven’t been taught how to clear ourselves of that cauldron of repressed emotion, because what happens is we suppress, suppress, suppress, and then the next unfortunate one just says something to us the wrong the wrong way and boom, volcanic eruption. And because our, to our relationships, sometimes irreparably, or suppress, suppress, suppress, suppress, that energy has to come out, and it begins to start seeping out of the body and showing up as physical symptoms, like cancer, heart attacks, ulcers, so we’ve got to get this we’ve got to get a relationship to our emotions and accept that they’re not weakness. Emotions are not good. They’re not bad. They’re not strength, they’re not weakness. They’re just energies coursing through our bodies, we get into trouble with them when we when we suffer, because what happens when we stuff sadness, as you know, it congeals it turns into grief. And when we stuff anger, it turns into rage and we walk around like a raging cauldrons. So better to nip it in the bud and learn how to first identify what we’re feeling because most of us are clueless about our emotions, including my psychiatrist, that including myself up until I started doing this conscious work 20 years 30 years ago, I had no idea no clue as to what I was feeling. I couldn’t tell you what I was feeling because I had no idea and so we can talk about processes, you know, like simple techniques to become more emotionally intelligent to increase our EQ and then learn how to communicate them responsibly like owning their our emotions, so that nobody can make us feel any anything, unless there’s some little button there that they’re triggering. But it’s here, right? So we’ve got to own that stuff. And then learning how to communicate them responsibly not not courageously, because it takes courage for sure, responsibly just not having a tantrum like a two year old and in a way that they can be heard that they can be received. And so, so level of mastery, so it’s the opposite of weakness, it’s a level of mastery.

Victoria Volk 25:27
I love that. You said so much that we talk about in Grief Recovery to just you know, the implode or explode, that’s we either implode or we explode. We either suffer from disease and illness and you know, all these symptoms, these physical symptoms, or we explode and have these dherbs Right, these behaviors and angers in anger can be a sturb I was very angry as a child and I grew up. I was very angry as an adult too. And if solidly I yeah, I would argue that at the root of grief and sadness and, and fear and anxiety is grief, like all of those emotions. It just is the embodiment of grief. And I always say to like grief was our pandemic long before COVID-19, long before your teenage years. And growing up, that was just the start of your experience with grief. But there’s more to your story. And I would like to get there. So you had shared in your information with me that your brother, you had lost your brother when he was 26? you mind sharing that story with us?

Christian de la Huerta 26:31
Yeah, of course. And I want to say to that there’s that it’s important for us to realize that there is there is an end to suffering. Right? Like there is an end to that. Not so much for sadness, like there’s always going to be stuff in life, that’s going to be sad, that’s going to evoke those emotions in US people are gonna come people are gonna go crazy traumatic stuff, crisis level stuff is going to happen in the world, as we’re witnessing right now. And global pandemic wars, the things that humans do to other humans, it’s just like boggle the mind. So what once we get to the level where we can feel our emotions, we are no longer running away from them, or numbing them out or stuffing them? Well, we can just let them course through us, then we can get to that place of freedom, where we just allow those energies to course through us and we don’t get stuck in and and so yes, you know that what happened with my brother and my nephew? Later, it’s just stuff that shouldn’t happen. You know, my brother was 26. And he drowned in a kind of freaky boat accident, riverboat accident and attempts in London. And I can’t even imagine, of course, we’re all impacted. But I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like for a parent to lose a child. I don’t have any kids myself, have many kids in my life. But no, none that are mine, so to speak, because and then I witnessed that again with my sister, my nephew was also around 2627. He was 27 incredible. I mean, both of them really creative and smart. My my nephew shown because he had these amazing leadership qualities. He his passion was being a DMT. He was a firefighter DMT gave up a scholarship to Harvard because of his grades, because that was what he really wanted to do. And at 27, he, his wife was seven months pregnant with their first child, which they never met. He got this really aggressive form of brain cancer. And within weeks, like four or five weeks, it was gone to everybody’s Chuck. And again, like how do what does one do with that, of course, it’s sad, of course, takes the parents years degree that stuff, some of that lingering grief doesn’t ever really leave you we heal it for sure. But there are layers of the sadness and the missing somebody like that. And I guess I guess what I’m saying is that the more work that I did on myself, the more that I was able to get to that place of feeling these incredibly sad emotions and not be stuck with them. Either we can we can weave it into the fabric of our lives and realize that one thing we know for sure, is that life is going to continue throwing curveballs our way, whether it’s a global pandemic or a 26 year old getting brain cancer or an an unexpected drowning like there is not one thing that any of us can do about that. So we can that can help us add you know the to the feeling of grievous grief and sadness, it can add a layer of feeling helpless, and even some people feel victimized by life. Like I got such a horrible deck of cards this lifetime. And if only this hadn’t happened or that had happened if I had only been born in a different place a different time, a different culture. You finally You know, the system was set up differently. As long as we’re doing that, if only and feeling victimized by life, we’re giving our power away. And sometimes even to the perpetrators, as you know, as long as we’re holding them responsible for our emotions for our state of being. And it’s not to minimize any of that, or to excuse anything. If we want to be free, we’ve got to get to that place of healing and acceptance. And one thing that helps to reframe that is knowing that no matter what happens going forward, no matter what new curveballs come our way, no matter what happened in the past, we always, always get to choose how we show up in response and that element of choice, just remembering that and knowing that it’s liberating, and it’s empowering.

Victoria Volk 30:49
And I just had a thought to it when you are someone who isn’t there yet, in their heart and their mind, because forgiveness, too, can be very, very difficult for people. Again, like you said, it always comes down to choice you can you can have grief in the back seat, you can, because it’s going to follow you, right? You take you everywhere you go. But you have a choice, if you’re going to continue to look in the rearview mirror at it. That’s where you can look forward to but what if what if you’re stuck looking at the rearview mirror, I think that’s where finding support in someone who is a little further along than you, who maybe is an example of of where you’d like to be in your life. So when you were going through these losses, had you already been at this place in your life with the breath work and on your spiritual journey and things like that, like had you because we never fully arrived? Right? But had you already started.

Christian de la Huerta 31:46
In this in the case of my brother’s death, it was synchronous, it’s right around that time, is when I did breathwork for the first time and were in when I started to, to reclaim my spirituality, right, because like many people and like you were referring to, I threw the baby out with a baptismal water, I didn’t know that there was a difference between religion and spirituality. And I didn’t know that spirituality is just an inherent part of who we are. That is just as ludicrous for you to for me to have tried to repress and reject and run away from my sexuality, as it was to ignore it and repress it in in with my spirituality. It’s just part of who we are as humans. So yeah, I did have much better tools in those situations. And I want to go back to something I want to highlight something you just said, which I think is really important, because we just hit on the two biggest hurdles on the on the on the journey to freedom and personal empowerment. One is that victimization, you know, poor me, woe is me relationship to life. The other one that you mentioned is forgiveness. Because we know we’ve heard this, we’ve heard that forgiveness is really for us. But how do we forgive? You know, the what feels unforgivable? How do we do that, because if we think about it, as long as we’re holding someone, right, looking in that rearview mirror, where we’re holding somebody over the fire for what they did, or failed to do, our hand is also getting burned or hand is in the fire. So, so it helps us to understand the necessity for forgiveness. Another way to convey that visual, if you think of the heart center, not the organ or the chakra, the energy center, it opens and closes in the same way that like the shutter of a camera, or the iris of the eye. If I shut my heart to my sexual abuser, or to my father who left or to mom who did who was emotionally abusive, or to the teacher, or the minister, or society, or sexism or misogyny or racism, or homophobia, I can’t close it selectively just to that, or to the boss who fired me or the ex who cheated on me, right? We I can’t close it just to them. If I close it, I close it. So it’s not even about them. Because in closing it we’re giving our power away again. So this is between me and my heart. This is a bit in my heart and love between my heart and life. And so how do we do that? How do we even begin to forgive the unforgivable and this is something that I picked up along the way from a teacher that begins to open the door to the possibility of forgiveness. And it’s forgive two syllables, flip them around, give for what we do, when we forgive, we’re giving others and ourselves which is often even more difficult to do. We’re giving them the space to be human, to make mistakes, to fall short of the mark to to make a royal mess of things like to really if things up.

Christian de la Huerta 34:50
And it’s it getting off the self righteous stance of the ego. Like we don’t have time to dive into what the ego construct is here. But it’s really important To understand what the ego is, I spent the first quarter of the book, maybe even the third talking about the ego mind, and and how it keeps us in a self made prison of fear and lack and limitation and self doubt, and reactivity and the victim and defended victim mindset and defensiveness. So really, really important. If we want to be free, if we want to step into our power, if we want to have relationships that have a chance of working, that we understand that how the ego is and how it works, so that we can get ourselves out of it out of its self made prison because nobody else can. So the ego one of the aspects of it is it’s very self righteous, again, knows, it went to law school and appoints itself a judge, jury prosecutor, it knows exactly what the other person did that was wrong, what the punishment should be and delivers the punishment. So forgiving means getting off, like stepping off that self righteous stance, I know I’m right, I would never do anything like right, because that closes the heart. And again, a highlight it again, it’s not about making it okay about denying what happened about rationalizing. It is not about any of that. It’s not about minimizing, or making Okay, whatever they did or didn’t do, but it’s not about them. This is about us, and how do we free ourselves from that. And so when we forgive we make we give the other and ourselves the room to make all those mistakes, to to forgive to get off that self righteous stance, and say maybe right, all it takes is that question mark MIDI, I can’t see it, I cannot even begin to imagine that I would ever do that. But maybe if they had been raised in their situation with their parents, their culture, their time, in whatever way their parents raised them and their parents before them, raise them. Who knows what was going on in their brain cut biochemistry? Who know what, who knows what happened in their own past? Who know what traumas they had, because we know trauma is the gift that keeps on giving, especially in sexual abuse and that kind of stuff. And right and again, not minimizing it not making it okay. We don’t have to hang out with them. We don’t have to be friends with them. We don’t have to ever see them again. But that question marks like maybe, maybe I might have done that. I might have I might have done that. And here’s like an extreme way to be able to do that a terrorist like it’s really hard for us to otherwise them we because we can’t imagine like anybody listening to this for sure. Watching this cannot have Woods is not about to wrap their bodies in explosives of walk into a crowded mall and detonate ourselves. So it’s really difficult for us to understand that standard is easy to say I would never do that. And have we ever terrorized others emotionally? Have we ever terrorized ourselves emotionally and that I know every single one of us has done. So we have an inner terrorist inside me that inside of each one of us, the details are different. But we have that potential. So it’s again not to make it okay not to minimize it. It just begins to soften that harsh separation of I wouldn’t ever do that, because that’s what makes forgiveness difficult. Like when we soften that then it begins to to free ourselves from carrying that weight and being stuck in the past.

Victoria Volk 38:19
I can bring a visual to this that can lighten things up. Because when you were talking about emotions, and how like what came up for me is like yeah, we’re just all walking around a little bit emotionally constipated some more than others. Right? And I when you were saying how we terrorized others emotionally. It’s like if we think of that emotional constipation, right? It’s gotta go somewhere. So either it’s gonna, we’re just gonna have, we’re gonna let it come out of us, or we’re going to just throw it at people, right?

Christian de la Huerta 38:50
Yes. You know, it’s so funny because I called breathwork. Virtual Drano. Oh, cool. Yeah, emotional and spiritual drain, and we get rid of all that crap that we’ve been carrying inside of us. Quickly, and it works fast. Well, that’s so profoundly at so many levels. It’s just a really amazing and for lack of another word, miraculous.

Victoria Volk 39:12
That’s a great segue. So I do want to talk about that. What is I had a personal experience, a friend of mine, she does Kundalini yoga, and she’s in a training right now to become a practitioner in that. But she does breath work. She does breath work practice every day, and she walked me through this breathwork practice was about 30 minutes, but I tell you what, I learned the power of our breath. In that one session that blew my mind. I felt I’m a Reiki Master, but I had my hands were vibrating to the extent of nothing a comparison like my hands are starting to tingle just thinking about it. I felt so alive. Like the Most alive that I had felt in a long time after experiencing that it was so powerful for me, can you give our listeners something that they can do today, if they are in a moment of panic, fight flight or freeze, grief, whatever they’re experiencing right now can you share some a technique with them.

Christian de la Huerta 40:20
Of course, and you know, breathwork is a, it’s a really broad umbrella, there’s a lot of breathing practices, a lot of breathing techniques, yoga, practice yogic practices, pranayama, it’s called in that yoga tradition, you know, whether it’s Kundalini yoga, or any other kind of yoga. And so the breath is at the core of all those practices, and at the core of every meditation practice at the core of every spiritual tradition. And so the particular breathwork that I do, it’s longer, it’s about an hour, an hour and a half, there’s different modalities, it’s you. So you can use breathing techniques. for different purposes. If you’re if you’re stressed out, if you’re stuck in traffic, if you’re, like, stressed out or nervous about right before a difficult conversation, or an important meeting, you can do take slow, deep breaths, to calm yourself down and the body has to slow down. Like there’s Swamis in India have that much control over their body, they can tell their hearts to slow down. And they do you know, they can, some of them can mimic states that are really, really hard to distinguish from death, they can slow down the body that much, most of us are not gonna be able to aren’t there. And I’m probably not going to learn how to do that kind of stuff. But anybody can slow down the breath, anyone can slow down the breath. When we do that, the heart has no choice, the heart has to slow down. And and when the heart slows down, the nervous system begins to quiet down, the body begins to relax. Right? So it’s, it’s slowly and under breath. It’s like it’s your best friend, your most effective practice. There are also breathing techniques that you can use, like in place or the afternoon slump, you know, a cup of coffee, you know, there’s the faster, more energizing more focusing practices, the type of breathwork that I do, it’s a different model, it’s more of a, to me, it’s part of my psycho spiritual therapy, you know, approach to healing. I was on a trip my father was a psychiatrist. As I said, my my degrees in psychology, I was on a track to get a PhD. When I discovered breathwork, this modality that I that I practice, I jumped tracks, I never went for the PhD because it works so fast and heal so profoundly at so many levels, including, by the way, I don’t know anything more effective that healing past traumas, including sexual abuse, including, you know, just violent stuff that people have have experienced, that I’ve worked with over the years, and it gets healed. And so not only that, which will be hard enough to believe, but it heals spiritually, mentally, even physically. And yes, you know, even like more than 30 years saying this or talking about this, I know to my mind, it still sounds hard to believe, to my logical, more scientific, more skeptical mind. But I can’t argue with the result. It works with permanent effects. And you know, they haven’t studied it yet. They’re starting to do more research now about what’s happening in the body scientifically. But even that, it doesn’t explain it to me, like, like the stuff that happens. Because you can also have incredibly ecstatic moments like moments of oneness, moments of feeling connectedness to to everyone and everything to all of creation. And so just from breathing, but here’s what ultimately helps me understand that the way that I can understand if you look at any religion, any culture, some even languages, in many of them the same word, one word, can mean breath, or spirit, depending on the context. So for example, from Numa, from that Greek word Numa, from which we get pneumonia, that word meant or it meant soul, and lung, from the Latin root speed at A, we get both respiration and inspiration or exploration. So that breath spirit connection is is available, like I said, most spiritual traditions and even several sets of regular languages. And that’s what ultimately helps me understand that is when we breathe in this conscious, intentional way, that the effects of which are undeniable like you felt your body was you will beginning to notice your body more as vibration. So you popped out of that limited perspective of separateness as like I’m just over here, this is this description as Victoria which is what the ego is that artificials you know, sense of of separate separateness, and you began to experience yourself beyond the confines of your body as a physical thing, and that that’s what that vibration was, and that we can access Not only profound healing, but ecstatic states, which by the word, that’s what the word ecstasy means means out of ourselves. And that’s what that breathing practices and breathing practices help us to do. So that we can pop behind the illusion of separation of the ego, and reconnect with our, no our ultimate nature.

Victoria Volk 45:20
There was a conversation one time about psychedelics, and she’s like, you don’t need to take a psychedelic to have that experience, you can find that through your breath. And I totally, totally agree. I actually had written down just before you said it, I wrote the soul is in the gut and grief is in the lungs. So isn’t that just really ironic in a way that the breath connects us to? Both right is part of both, essentially. So I’m curious. Is it was it just breathwork? Because, you know, I’ve dabbled in different healing modalities. I’m currently actually learning biofield tuning, which addresses the energy field that’s around us the stuck energy that’s outside of us, you know that, because our bodies are a mirror of what’s out here, stuck in this energy field, and that extends five to six feet beyond us. So was it just breathwork? Or have? Were you kind of dabbling in a lot of different things? And breathwork? Is what stuck? Or was it always breathwork. And that’s just kind of been your thing?

Christian de la Huerta 46:28
I think the combination I mean, there’s so many tools to help us heal and help free. The ones that I include in every single retreat for over 30 years. No matter whether the retreat is on conscious relationships, and having relationships that can actually work, whether it’s stepping into our personal power, and reconciling the conflicted, ambivalent relationship we have to power? And how do we step into power in a way that’s not about hierarchy and control, and fear and force and domination? How do we do it in a way that’s a match for who we are? Whether it’s about life purpose, and what are we really, really doing here? And how do we stop selling out for that illusion of security of a biweekly paycheck, because we sell ourselves so cheaply for that illusion, as many have had to discover the hard way during this pandemic, but no matter what the theme of the retreat the to constant, or the breath work, because I’ve yet to come across any tool that heals as quickly and as profoundly. And in many ways, the other one is understanding that you go, because it’s to me, there’s that’s step one, understanding the mind and why we do the things we do and our patterns, why do we get triggered what? Well, the same behavior would have could have a completely different response in you. And yet, it’s got me just out of control and got my goat. So why is that? Understanding our patterns? Like, why do we do the things we do? Why do we attract certain people into our lives? Why do we have certain what are we recreate patterns and situations? What? Why do we keep creating patterns of relationships that sometimes feel like it’s the same boring movie, different actor different co lead, but the same crap? Same argument, same patterns? Why is that? Right? So it’s so again, a lot easier to go through life numbing out and running away from these questions. But then we get stuck in a there’s no way to this, we’re just going to recreate and recreating, and keep creating the same stuff. What we’re talking about is like having the courage to face our grief, to face our memories to do whatever it is that we need to do to heal ourselves and declare ourselves that is nothing less than heroic. That’s why there’s no book awakening this whole power is the first of a series of three, which is the tide the series is titled Calling All Heroes, what does it mean to live heroically in the 21st century? And so yes, you know, I honor you for the work that you’ve done to not only heal your past trauma, but to now use that to make a difference in other people’s lives. And I honor anybody who has stuck with this conversation thus far. It’s, you know, this stuff is not easy. It’s not for the faint of heart. This is And speaking of heart, you know, that’s courage comes from that root, the same root core which a Latin means heart, courage, courage, and in French, the big heart, take this word takes big heart, big courage. Nothing short of heroic. incredibly rewarding, like freedom, empowerment.

Victoria Volk 49:40
Empowerment. Yes. That’s huge. Yes, absolutely.

Christian de la Huerta 49:44
Like you were telling me when we were connecting right before we started recording like this podcast is like, the best thing you ever did. Like wow, and you using your own? Like that’s what he lives there, right. We use our own stuff to bring healing to others for On lived experience, not just stuff that we read in a book, and we all have access to that.

Victoria Volk 50:05
You actually mentioned that your mother’s presence is diminishing slowly is is that did you? Do you mean cognitively? Yes. Okay. And I asked that because a friend of mine mentioned this, you can have cancer and you can have disease and things like that, which is really difficult for the person going through it. Right? They have to reconcile their life right when you’re faced with this is what’s happening to me, whether it’s, you know, MS, or muscular dystrophy, or, or any kind of debilitating progressive disease, cancer, anything like that. It’s really difficult on the person experiencing, and of course, the family and people watching it happen. But when it’s someone that’s going through a cognitive decline, they aren’t necessarily aware of it. And so that’s really more impactful on the family and the loved ones. And that struck me because I hadn’t really thought about that. But what do you say? How is that different? for loved ones? In your, in your experience? You’ve had both experiences, right? You’re your nephew, and now your mother.

Christian de la Huerta 51:12
Yeah I think this one’s even more difficult. Because what I’ve realized is that I’ve been preparing I’ve been preparing for the for the inevitable, which is my mother’s passing for years, she’s not in good health, physical, like she, you know, nine kids is take a toll on my body, She’s diabetic, she’s overweight, from that generation that never took care of her bodies of her body. And, and that dealt with everything. Like from the perspective of Western medicine, my dad being addicted to it just medicated it, rather than addressing the symptom, I mean, the addressing the symptom rather than addressing the source. And so I never thought for a moment that my mom, my mom’s body would outlive her mind. And so I didn’t see that coming. That one I was not prepared for it. caught me off guard. And, and it’s, it’s, it’s difficult to experience not only to see her and this beautiful, vibrant, brilliant, loving woman to be like a shell of who she was, to be caught in, in fear, which, which it’s heartbreaking. And there’s nothing, nothing that as a family we can do except no lover and create, you know, like, try to improve the quality of our life as best we can. And, and be one thing to connect to everything else. We’ve been talking about the importance of doing the heroic work of, of self discovery and, and healing ourselves. What I’m beginning to see is that is her undone work. Like sometimes when she goes into these places of fear that, you know, she’s living or reliving something that we can’t see. And beginning to feel that as she’s recreating, like, there’s this one kind of actor that keeps coming back into her her her moment. And it’s, it’s beginning to realize it’s a young woman, like a teenage girl, and my mom calls her all sorts of names, like stuff that she would never say in real life. Like now it’s like, unleashed. And so what I’ve what I’m beginning to put together is that when she was in high school, there was a moment where they were put into they were taken to boarding school and Cuba, my aunt and my sister and her aunt Amy. And her sister, my aunt, and I think she had to, you know, just piecing together stories, there was a there was a group of girls, you know, I mean, girls that were kind of bullies and they were rich, the rich girls in the school. And I think because she never really worked with with her feeling, I’m projecting I’m making it up in my own mind that a feeling rejected or feeling unloved because she was put away were taken away to a boarding school and then having to deal with this bullying, that she never really worked through that and so now when the filters are off, it’s coming back up. And so important for us than to do this kind of work whether we’re using traditional therapy whether we’re using breathwork you know, it’s really important to do or your your energy work, whatever whatever it is that were guided to do. To to have that courage to to clear to face and clear or inner demons.

Victoria Volk 54:23
I just got chills as I heard you talking about that, because it’s like the same. It’s almost like reliving a nightmare over and over and over that you can’t just push stop on.

Christian de la Huerta 54:34
I know it’s it to me, that’s hell, she’s still going to Hell yeah, weaving it back to the religion and it’s, you know, that it gets tragic to me, that in her end, the end of her life, that the religion to which she devoted her entire life is not a source of love and support and support and inner peace, that because of the teachings about hell, which, you know, I personally don’t believe like there’s a physical place that you go to When you die, I don’t believe in a punitive micromanaging didi. But don’t take away my mother effer to, to fear that she might go to hell, like why? It’s nothing that she could have ever done. And it to me, I found that tragic that that fear was put into her head, which to me is not even real.

Victoria Volk 55:19
I had a medium expressed to me once, it was a teenager experience, spirit that had come through and she just her experience was that what she’s learned through her work was that it’s even someone who’s done not great things are good things, you know, good deeds, who have maybe done some bad things, right? It’s, they’re going through school. They’re just they’re going through school, and they’re having to learn these lessons. And they’re kind of in school until they can graduate, I suppose in a way to, to be with the good spirits. I don’t know how to explain that, you know, but that’s kind of how she said it. How, you know, because the mother was so worried that he because he died by suicide, she was so worried that he was in hell. And that brought so much peace to her. But you know, how the Son explained, he’s like, No, I’m in school. I’m having to learn these lessons that I never was open to learning on the physical plane. Yeah, I just thought that was beautiful.

Christian de la Huerta 56:23
I think it is beautiful, and very, very liberating. And to me, you know, from my current perspective, heaven, and hell are not places that we go to after we that I think their states of being heaven, and hell can be right here right now. It’s not your truth. Yeah. And, and it’s a state of mind. And I think that even if we’re going to, you know, stick with a Christian frame of belief, philosophy, mythology, whatever you want to call it, teachings, Jesus said, You know, these greater things you will do. And so, that comes from that state of mind, which he had access to, and to which he never claimed exclusivity. He never had never really did.

Victoria Volk 57:08
And I think there’s just so much we don’t know, that we’ll never know. And even when it comes to healing to the forgiveness piece that we talked about earlier, and, you know, trauma and stuff, it’s, or we feel like we were a victim in our own stories, we just we don’t know what we don’t know. Yeah, if I want to learn this method of breathwork, especially as a Griever, where do I go to learn that.

Christian de la Huerta 57:31
I mean, if anybody’s interested, they can email me, or, you know, just go to my website, soulfulpower.com. And I can either try to help them find somebody local, where they can do it, there’s some people that do it virtually now, I do it virtually very selectively, because it’s really powerful, that the modality that I teach is very powerful. And you never know what’s underneath the surface of somebody’s psyche, what’s going to what’s going to come up. And as you know, so many of us have memories that we suppressed. So like in person in live, I have no hesitation, like, I know that I can handle anything that comes up. And I’ve had some really traumatic stuff come up for people virtually, not so much, right? There’s because there’s my what I’m able to do to support intervene, to, to hold space for them is limited by and all they have to do is click, and then there’s nothing I can do to help. So I do it only with people that you know who have come to my retreats, people I know, people that that are part of my year long coaching program, and that I don’t even start with breathwork that’s only like halfway through once I get a sense of who’s in the group and what kind of stuff they’re dealing with. Or if it’s somebody maybe who has a support system. So sometimes therapists refer people to maybe therapists, you know, where they’ve been with a client for some time, and they’re plateaued, they’re stuck, they’re stagnant. Even one breathwork session can can change your life it did for me, my first session, I knew that I’d never be the same. And I wasn’t. And I knew that I had to do it again, I didn’t care where I had to go what it cost, and I knew that I had to make it available to others. It was just the most amazing thing that I’ve ever experienced. And by the way, you mentioned psychedelics in a different, like branch of breathwork, which is called Holotropic. To more, it’s longer you do for like three, four hours, kind of very similar technique, but longer. And there are other differences, but the founder of that modality. Stan Grof, was a psychiatrist from the Czech Republic. When he was over there, he was researching LSD. And what he realized, you know, once he came to the States, he couldn’t, you know, continue that research. But somewhere along the way, he discovered because when once people attain certain levels of pain, through the chemical substances are the sacred plant medicines that so many people are working with these days. The breath that kind of breathing pattern sometimes gets triggered automatically. spontaneously. And so he realized, by just using the breath, you can access the same levels of non ordinary beings or states of being. So yeah, and I hear that constantly from people who come to breathe with me, it’s like, yeah, I got to the same place that I did with on an Ayahuasca journey or, or whatever, mushrooms, whatever they were doing, it got to that same place, that same ability to perceive myself from from a different perspectives. And that sense of oneness of connecting with all of it. Because here’s a great metaphor for that for the ego goes back to the ego, right? If, if you think of the ego as a baseball, it’s a part of who we are, that’s a very limited experience of who we are. It’s like a tiny, tiny, tiny part of who we are. Yet we think it’s all who we are. And we make really important consequential choices in our lives from its very limited small and always fear based perspective, once who we are. So imagine the ego in a center of a stadium, that’s the the baseball in the center of a stadium, that’s the ego, who we are, is actually the stadium. And we’ve allowed this tiny, tiny part of us to think and then to make choices from its from its small perspective. So part of what happens in breathwork. And with sacred plant medicine work is, you know, we experience ourselves, we pop out of the, the false limitation of the ego, that false sense of separation. And we reconnect with our essence with our interconnectedness with everything with all of it.

Victoria Volk 1:01:32
Is just hanging on your every word there.

Christian de la Huerta 1:01:34
And it’s accessible to all of us like it’s our breath, it’s just in the beginning, we and you can be taught how to do it yourself in the beginning, that’s the first 510 sessions, it’s important to do it, somebody who knows what they’re doing somebody who has been trained that can hold space, and so that the ego can feel safe enough to release a lot of stuff that’s been suppressing and allow it to come up to consciousness and call you and by the way, the psychologist said that the process of enlightenment is making the unconscious conscious, and breathwork is really speeds up that process.

Victoria Volk 1:02:07
Love it, love this conversation. And we could go so many other directions, too. I want to be respectful of your time. But is there is there anything else that you would like to share that you didn’t get a chance to address?

Christian de la Huerta 1:02:21
Well, I just give a brief overview about the book on empowerment, because as I started to say, most of us have an ambivalent conflict, the relationship to power, we part of us wants it part of us is afraid of it. And I think what we fear the more that I work with people around this issue, what we fear is that if we really stepped into our power, if we really stepped into all of who we are, that other people wouldn’t be able to handle it and that we might end up rejected that alone, and who wants that? We also fear that we might abuse it. And no wonder like how many abuses of power have you on I experience and have all of us experience? Like all we got to do is turn on the news any day, any given day to witness at least one abuse of power. So and then on top of that we’ve been in court, it’s been ingrained in us that power is bad, that power is negative, you know, with quotes, like power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Who wants to be corrupted. But what they didn’t tell us is that Lord Acton who said those words, were speaking specifically about political power, not personal power. And so, add to that mix, what we were talking about the emotions, we’ve turned the emotions into weakness, you know, we hate conflict, we avoid confrontation. And so what happens when you put all that together, we we end up giving our power away our power that nobody can give to us, nobody can take away. We are the only ones who can give it away. And the sad part, the tragic part is that we give it away for the lamest of reasons. Like we say yes, when inside we really feel no inside, it’s really not okay with us. But in order to maintain that illusion of peace do not rock the boat too much. We override our desires or preferences or dreams. And we say yes, when inside we feel no we stuffed ourselves into tiny little packages that the you know that not gonna rock anybody’s boat. So we limit ourselves we play small for an illusion of security for a false sense of acceptance. And for crumbs, we settle for morsels of pseudo love. So it’s not a good strategy. It’s a really good strategy in life. And so what the this book walks the reader through in a very doable way I know how crazy busy and overscheduled everybody is. So designed the book and with very readable, doable short chapters with power practices. Do you have to rush through the book one chapter a week Do the practices because those practices are designed to integrate and apply the teachings to our lives. So they don’t stay at the level of information, we don’t need more information. We’ve got information overload, what we need is transformation. And that only comes from taking on the stuff and really living it. And so so the, if they will do that, it’ll begin to transform the relationship to power and began to discover ways that we can step into and express our power. And we’re in the in the wet in the world in a way that’s not about fear, hierarchy, force, control, domination, that kind of power that that requires that we step on, somebody push them down. In order for us to feel powerful. There’s a different way to do this.

Victoria Volk 1:05:48
I recently, there’s so much so many synchronicities. And what you say is because just the other day, I shared a quote on my social media about it was in a podcasting email of all things, and it just it hit me it’s, it’s stuck out. So I created a quote, for knowledge isn’t power. It’s the application of knowledge. That gives you power. Exactly. Right. So it’s the application of the knowledge. And that’s just what came to my mind as I was hearing you sharing that? Yeah, that’s a great quote, for sure. So where can people reach you, I know you have your website, just share all the things.

Christian de la Huerta 1:06:25
Yeah, I think the best way to reach me, well, the book is available anywhere where books are sold, you can get it at your local bookstore, you can order it there, if you want to support them. You can also get it on Amazon. In terms of reaching me probably the best way is my my website soulfulpower.com, and by any for anybody who of your audience who signs up goes to soulfulpower.com, and get to my email list. And we all know how easy it is to click unsubscribe down the road if it doesn’t work for you. And I’m not going to take it personally. That’s one of the benefits of doing this kind of self love and self acceptance work is like you don’t take stuff personally anymore. And so anybody who signs up for my email list will send them a sample chapter from the book, and it’s one that talks about what it means to live heroically. In the 21st century, we’ll share some of the power practices we were talking about, and a guided meditation. And it’s on trust that I created last year, with a year before in the midst of the pandemic. And so how do we find a place of inner peace and trust? How do we become that eye of the storm? In a world in a time of chaos and fear and uncertainty? How do we move into trust?

Victoria Volk 1:07:42
It’s a big word. Trust, right?

Christian de la Huerta 1:07:44
It’s a big word.

Victoria Volk 1:07:46
Thank you so much for this conversation today. I could talk even longer about energy and all of that more about the ego. Maybe around two,

Christian de la Huerta 1:07:56
Maybe around two. Yeah, it’s clear that you and I would not run out of stuff to talk about.

Victoria Volk 1:08:01
Never. No, I don’t think so either. Maybe after I get a chance to read your book. Okay, well, thank you so much for being here today.

Christian de la Huerta 1:08:11
Thank you. Thank you so much for having me on the show and for having the show.

Victoria Volk 1:08:15
And remember, when you unleash your heart you unleash your life. Much love.

Ep 120 | Scott Deluzio

Scott Deluzio | Seeing Red: A Gold Star Brother & Brothers in Arms

 

 

SHOW NOTES SUMMARY: 

Less than 1% of Americans serve in the U.S. military. That leaves 99% of Americans who will never understand the cost of serving their country, particularly during wartime.

Scott shares his path to emotional freedom from the scars of war after deploying to Afghanistan with his brother, Steven. Rather than Scott celebrating homecoming with his brother, he accompanied Steven, killed in action, in a casket draped with the American flag.

Although Scott was scheduled to return to Afghanistan two short weeks after his brother’s funeral, the mayor of Connecticut declared that he would not return to duty with his National Guard unit in Afghanistan because the family should have to endure the potential of another loss.

But there is so much more to Scott’s story. Because coming home after being in a war, doesn’t necessarily feel like you’re home. Scott put his grief to the side and picked up anger, and over the years, his grief ate away the core of his very being. He became someone he didn’t recognize. His drinking got out of control, along with his anger, and he realized he could no longer go it alone and sought support.

Like many grievers and veterans, Scott thought he was doing okay after a couple of years of therapy and stopped going. However, a life-threatening event with his spouse would occur, and he would later find his old patterns resurfacing. He sought support again and learned that growth and healing are ongoing processes.

Whether you’ve served in the military, know or love someone who is serving or has served, or not, please listen to Scott’s story. It may help bring a deeper understanding of the scars and costs of war – and America’s 1%.

RESOURCES:

CONNECT:

The real divide in the U.S. is that only one percent of us fight in war, and the rest don’t understand the true cost of conflict. – an op-ed piece by “60 Minutes” producer Henry Schuster, Operation Proper Exit
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If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.

Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.

CONNECT WITH VICTORIA: 

 

Victoria Volk 0:00
Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. Today, my guest is Scott deluzy. Oh, he is an Army veteran having served six years with the Army National Guard, including a deployment to Afghanistan in 2010. Scott’s brother Steven was also deployed to Afghanistan also in 2010. Unfortunately, Steven was killed in action on August 22 2010. After returning home, Scott struggled with coping with the stresses of combat the loss of his younger brother and adjusting back to civilian life. Thank you so much for being here, Scott.

Scott Deluzio 0:34
Thanks for having me. I’m really glad to be able to come on and share my story with you and your audience.

Victoria Volk 0:39
And it is a story that hasn’t been expressed on the podcast. I know I was on your podcast Dr. On a little while, a while back and not sure when that episode will go live for sure. I don’t remember anymore. But at the time of this recording, it doesn’t matter. But we have that in common where we both deployed, I was deployed in Iraq, but I have not had this type of loss represented on the podcast. So thank you for being open to sharing your story. We have a lot of acronyms, right in the military. It’s all acronyms. And one acronym that we also have in Grief Recovery is our stirpes. And it means short-term energy relieving behaviors. And you mentioned a STERB in your information that you shared with me and yours. It sounds like was alcohol, is that correct?

Scott Deluzio 1:32
Yeah, that’s, that’s correct. When I got back from Afghanistan, I was home with with my family and I couldn’t sleep to for anything I sleep was just eluding me, it was night after night, where I would just be laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, not able to fall asleep. And the pain of losing my brother was significant. And I found myself drinking more and more and more, you know, it started off just normal, like casual drinking, having a glass of wine with dinner or something like that. But then it became more and more after, you know, after dinner going going in later into the night. And I found that I was helping myself to fall asleep by basically drinking until I passed out. So it wasn’t really sleep, it was really just making myself pass out. Which obviously has the issue of you know, the next morning, I was hungover, I wasn’t the the friendliest, nicest person to be around. And, you know, I would, I would kind of get through the day just by drinking more and more coffee throughout the day just to keep myself going, you know, energy drinks, things like that. But then that that’s sort of affecting my sleep too, as I was drinking it later. And later in the day, it just became this vicious cycle. And, you know, I would use, like sleeping pills trying to help myself get to sleep and, you know, combining that with the alcohol that doesn’t isn’t exactly the healthiest option, either. And, you know, it was just, it was just one of those things where I was looking for that, that relief that basically numbing the pain getting getting rid of that, not not addressing it not facing it head on and dealing with it in a healthy way. And and that was that was causing a lot of problems caused problems with my physical health, my mental health, my relationships, my my job, I was going into work basically hung over, you know, on a regular basis, and it wasn’t exactly what you want to do. And when you’re, you’re working in a professional kind of corporate job, it’s not what you really want to do, you’re kind of looked at a little bit differently when you’re, you’re walking in still still kind of shaking off the cobwebs and everything. So, you know, it was it was just really hard for me to be able to deal with the stuff that I was going through. And it was it was hard. It was hard for me to get through all of that.

Victoria Volk 4:09
How old were your kids at the time.

Scott Deluzio 4:12
So I had a before I deployed my my first son was born. So he was nine or 10 months old at the time so young enough that he doesn’t remember this part of of life. I now have two other kids who fortunately, were not around during that time period either. And so, you know, they don’t they don’t remember that obviously either. So, you know, but I also wasn’t the best at either, you know, I would have and this was like when he when I got home he was about nine or 10 months but this obviously went on for a little while afterwards too. So you know he was a toddler he’s getting into trouble like all little kids do right and I would just have a short temper with Just about everything. And when he would do things that normal kids do, they spill their food off the their highchair, or they, you know, make a mess in the living room or whatever it is, you know that he was doing it, I just would would flip out and I’d started screaming and yelling, and, and it was that was just not who I was. That’s not the type of person who I was before I deployed. I was a pretty easygoing type of person I didn’t get I wasn’t too high strung, I didn’t get upset over little things like that. You know, sure. There’s, there’s inconveniences, but you just deal with them as you go along in life, right. And, but I was finding it harder and harder to deal with even these small, little inconveniences. And so I found myself just getting angry and frustrated, upset at all these little tiny things. And it was just about everything that I was getting mad at. And anything that that was even slightly inconvenient or off or whatever, I just would, I’d be flipping out about it. And, and I realized that’s not the kind of dad I wanted to be. That’s not the type of person I wanted it to be. For my son, for my wife, for the people who are around me that I cared about who cared about me, I didn’t want to be that kind of person, because then then you just end up pushing those people away. And so, so yeah, it was kind of a long answer to that question. You know, how old they were. But, but yeah, that was that was kind of that situation that I was going through?

Victoria Volk 6:34
When did that change for you? And did you notice that? How you are reacting to situations, then your children? Sort of that’s how they responded to to situations? Like did you how were their behavior, things with the kids then being reflected back to you?

Scott Deluzio 6:52
Yeah, that’s exactly what it was. I started noticing my my oldest son, I would, I used to do this thing, when I would get frustrated or angry, where I would grit my teeth. And I started noticing him doing that anytime he would be getting upset at at small little things, you know, things that weren’t going his way, you know, it’s it’s time for a nap. And he didn’t want to go take a nap. And he grit his teeth and he’d get angry. And it was like looking in the mirror. It was a it was an ugly mirror, I didn’t want to look in that mirror, you know, I wanted to I wanted to have a happy, healthy child not not one who was getting angry at these little things the way I was doing. And really, for me, the moment where the light bulb went off and I realized Something is definitely wrong is this time when my my dog that we had at the time, she’s since passed away. But back then she she had gotten sick. I don’t know if she ate something that didn’t agree with her or whatever. And she was walking in our bedroom. And she was right at the edge of our bedroom and in the master bathroom that we had which had nice tile floor and the bedroom which had a nice brand new white carpet. And she started to throw up and she’s standing right at the edge between the bathroom and in the doorway and to the to the bathroom. And she throws up right on the white carpet. And ice flipped out. I started screaming and yelling and everything as if the dog can understand the anyways Right? Like she she didn’t know what I was saying. She knew I was mad. Probably just by the tone of my voice and you know how loud I was and everything like that. But I mean, she’s sick. She’s not feeling well, what good was all of that yelling and screaming going to do anyways? You know, I was I was just mad that she didn’t take two seconds to go walk into the bathroom where it had been so much easier to clean up on a tile floor versus, but the white carpet right now I know I probably have to go rent a steam cleaner and you know, get get that out and everything. But again, in the grand scheme of things, it’s a pretty minor inconvenience, to do things. And like that’s not the kind of person that I am. I love dogs. I am not the type of person who’s going to be you know, getting upset at at a dog for doing something that you know, is natural. She’s feeling sick. So she that’s just what dogs people that’s what anyone is going to do. You know, quite frankly, I I feel like I like like more dogs than than certain people. It’s at times too, right? So I was like, Who is this person? Who am I wouldn’t have I become and my wife and I at that time, we kind of sat down and she said you know I thought you might be able to handle some of the stuff on your own. You know the stuff that you’re going through, but it seems like you’re having some tough time with it. It might be time to reach out and get some help and so So I did. And I kind of realized that at that moment, too, I was like, this isn’t this isn’t me, this isn’t who I want to be, and I can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong and what, what I need to do to change. And so I reached out to the Vet Center, which is kind of affiliated through the VA. I’m not sure exactly how but but no, they are. And they, they offer counseling services. And they, they helped me to get my my anger under control, so that I wasn’t having these outbursts all the time, wasn’t perfect. It’s a slow process. It’s not like you go in, you sit down on a on a couch for one session, and then boom, magically, everything’s rainbows and unicorns, right? It, it’s a process and it takes time. But you have to, I what I realized is that you have to let the process work, you can’t just go in expecting that that Amazon overnight delivery, where you get the results instantaneously, it’s something that you have to work at, and you have to be conscious about what you’re doing and, and how your things are affecting you in your life. And, and that’s what kind of helped me to get away from being so frustrated and angry all the time.

Victoria Volk 11:12
There is a quote, and I’m going to add live because I don’t know exactly how it goes. But something to the effect of I sat with my anger long enough until he told me its name and its name was grief. And I really relate to your story in that in the anger because I would call myself a read I would have called myself a raging mom, you would call yourself a Rayji dad at that point by just so much anger, which really is grief and sadness and all these feelings unexpressed and undealt no not dealt with. But I didn’t connect the dots to a situation I experienced and tell your story when my son was three years old, and I had three children in four years. So I had a three year old I had an 18 month old and I had a boy she’s six months old. Something I mean boom boom boom like I was like a walking zombie angry raging mom right but my son just would not listen He wanted to take his bike out and I couldn’t watch him get my kids in you know I pulled into the garage and I need to get the car seat and the 18 month old or you know I wrote she was I think 18 months at the time. They’re 18 months apart actually the older two are 18 months apart and then the girls are two years but anyway a baby in a car seat then the younger one or the middle one had to get them in the house and he was like just going on and on about needing his bike and wanting to ride his bike and I said I can’t be outside with you right now and I can’t let him just ride around outside all by himself so right i lat I did what I thought I could do in that moment and I locked his bike in the van. Take the girls into the house next thing I know my middle one is coming in Mommy Mommy is Xavier is to is hitting the van with a bat what? And I step out in the garage and no crap he is slugging my van with the bat. So angry that I locked his bike in there that he couldn’t have his bike, broke our window, ended up costing over $2,000 to get that replaced. But I didn’t connect it until your your story of how our anger is just reflected back to us from our kids. If there are behavioral issues with your children, how about you look at your own behavior? Parents listening. Right? And what grief Do you have those on expressed? So thank you for sharing all of that. Because I really feel like that is a very good message for this podcast today.

Scott Deluzio 13:53
Yeah, and there’s there’s another example of this to where it not from my own personal life, but just from some TV shows that I’ve seen where there’s a show that it used to be on I don’t know if it’s still on or not. But it was with this dog trainer is a Cesar Millan the dog whisperer, right. And I remember, he would go into these households where the dog is out of control, and they’re acting all crazy and out of control. And he walked observes how the owners are, are acting in interacting with the dogs, and they’re just as out of control. And so he looks at them and he says, I think I need to train you before I start working on on your dogs because you’re the problem you are the one who is is basically making this dog so crazy. And once when he starts addressing those behavior issues, then the dog starts starts behaving a little bit differently. And maybe there’s still some work that needs to be done with the dog itself but but it’s it’s really reflecting from from the the owners, right? And so, you know, it’s the same idea, I think, Where where are our behaviors and our reactions get reflected to those who are around us.

Victoria Volk 15:14
Back to us, right? It’s like a boomerang, the energy you bring to a room, you’re gonna get it back. Yeah, exactly. So well, let’s rewind the clock before you were raised you Dad to where it all started, because you deployed with your brother.

Scott Deluzio 15:33
So we were, he was in the Vermont Army National Guard, I was in the Connecticut Army National Guard. And both of our units, there was some reorganization that took place before we deployed. And both of our units ended up in the same brigade. And so this deployment was a brigade wide deployment. So we are both deployed, just about the same time, you know, give or take a couple of weeks just with, you know, training and other cycles that we have to go through. Before getting there. I actually got to Afghanistan first, he got there, maybe a week or two later, but we were stationed far enough apart that we never saw each other once when we were there. And as a matter of fact, the only communication really that we had between the two of us was kind of playing that telephone game, when I would call home to our parents, they would they would tell me what was going on with him and vice versa with with him. So when he would call home he’d find out what was going on with me and everything. So. So we really didn’t talk at all, we may have sent an email here and there, but but really not much. And quite frankly, we’re kind of focused on our, our jobs. So we didn’t really have all that much time to take off to go give each other a phone call or you know, find out what’s going on with each other. So, so yeah, so we were we were deployed at the same time, but not together. If that makes sense.

Victoria Volk 16:59
I asked that because I think it’s important that people understand listening to this, that that’s a scenario that played out, often, still does, likely where you have siblings or people who are married, like my husband and I deployed together, not in the same place, but we knew each other was doing right. You knew what he was doing. He knew what you were doing. And yeah, you don’t have that same level of communication as you did calling home. Right? And so it makes it harder, I think, because you know what you’re doing, and you can’t communicate as openly and freely. And so, I mean, was that always in the back of your mind, like this worry, knowing what he was doing too.

Scott Deluzio 17:42
You know, what? It wasn’t really and I think it was like a defensive mechanism that I put up this the shield, telling myself, basically lying to myself saying that he nothing was going to happen to him, nothing bad was going to happen to him that he had previously deployed to Iraq. He was in Ramadi, in 2006, which was a really rough time to be in that area. And I said, if he made it through that, he’s going to be able to make it through this deployment, no problem. You know, I wasn’t even worried about him getting injured, or killed. That wasn’t even a thought on my mind. I didn’t even entertain that thought we were both going to come home. As far as I was concerned, we’re both going to go back to our lives, I was going to come back to my wife and my son and us, he was engaged to be married about a year after we were scheduled to come back home. So he was going to come home, he was going to get married, he was going to start his family start his life and everything with with his his fiance. And I just figured that’s what’s going to happen. And I didn’t give it too much more thought than that. I wasn’t worried that he was gonna get injured or killed or, or anything like that. Because that’s just not what happens. That happens to other people. That doesn’t happen to you that that’s what you read about in the news. That’s not what you experience firsthand in real life, that that’s just stuff that happens to quote unquote, other people, but it’s a it’s real punch of that gut when you become those other people. You know, and it truly was unexpected. As far as I was concerned. I knew what he was doing. I knew it. It was a dangerous job. Just never occurred to me that it would be a job that could ultimately take his life.

Victoria Volk 19:30
So what was that? How did that play out? Like how did you find out?

Scott Deluzio 19:35
You know, both happened to be on missions that day, where we were out in patrolling in these remote villages. His was not that remote. They were able to drive from their base to this village and then dismount and walk into the village. The village I was in we we actually had to fly in on helicopters the night before to this mountaintop, just outside the village and then we we patrol down into the village As soon as the sun came up reason why is because we were working alongside with the Afghan army and they they didn’t have night vision capability. So they weren’t able to walk on that uneven rough terrain in the dark, to go do the mission that we’re planning on doing so. So we had to wait for the first light. So we went through the village, and we’re doing our, our job looking, looking through everything. And at one point, kind of partway through the day, I got a call on the radio, and they said that there was a helicopter coming in, and I needed to take my squad out to go secure a landing zone for it. And so we did, we went over, we found a clearing, kind of at the far end of the village. And we secured that area formed a perimeter around it, there’s some smoke in that area, and the helicopter came down and landed. And when we were just told that there’s some VIPs on the helicopter, we didn’t know who but it was an American general and a couple French soldiers. So we are operating in French controlled territory, they kind of had that that area. But I think they’re just there to kind of check up and see what kind of intelligence we found and what kind of stuff was going on that day. Since I was a highest ranking guy, next to the general, I went to go greet him and show him where everything was in everything, which as a sergeant that was kind of a little nerve wracking, going and interacting with that general. So but he was, he was a nice enough guy. And you know, we were chatting for a little bit. And he gets a call on the radio. And it tells him and I can hear the radio, just by the nature of the microphone that he had. It says that there were two American casualties. Now anyone who’s been in the military knows that we don’t use names on on the radio call signs that at best, but we’ll never we never use names going over the radio. So there are no names spoken. So at that point, I was just like that, you know that that sucks. That’s, that’s terrible. I feel bad for those people for their families. You know, I feel bad for him. But there’s nothing I can really do about that situation right now. So so we continued on, I passed off the general to my my platoon sergeant and, and then I continued on with our mission. It A little while later, I don’t remember exactly how long later it was. But I got a call on the radio from my commanding officer. And again, for anyone who’s familiar with the chain of command in the military, for a sergeant to get a call directly from the commanding officer, either you did something really good or really bad. And, you know, they usually work their way through the chain of command. And I couldn’t think of anything particularly good I did that day. You know, I did my job, but it was nothing spectacular. And I wasn’t getting any medals for what I had done that day. And so my first thought was okay, what, what did I do wrong? What would I screw up, my guys lose some equipment, whatever, you know, and I’m flipping out trying to figure it out. And I couldn’t figure it out. So eventually, I linked up with a commanding officer. And he told me to come over to the side kind of away from everybody else to take my helmet off and and take a knee. And that was another red flag because they never tell you to take your helmet off when you’re outside the wire. Like that’s, that’s like a big no, no, You never do that. And so I was like, Okay, what, what’s going on here, something screwed up. And so when he told me it was that my my brother’s unit was involved in an ambush and that my brother had gotten hit. And so now it’s like the first time it’s It’s dawning on me that he’s not invincible, that something could happen to him. And so, of course, I’m just thinking, he got hit, and you know, maybe he’s wounded. And he’s he’s injured. So I start going into big brother mode thinking, How do I handle the logistics to get to him? How do I how do I get to him to be there for support? Or if he needs blood or an orchid? Or something like that? How do I get to him? And I guess what I didn’t understand was that, that he was killed in action. And so when, when the commanding officer finally told me that he was killed in action, I look anyone else I broke down, I was crying I was I was a mess. Except for I was a mess with with a rifle, you know, fully loaded rifle, all the ammunition that I could possibly need. So it was a little more of a volatile situation than then maybe if I was to find out when I was still at home, you know, and so I didn’t realize that at the time. But they they constantly had people with me, basically to make sure I didn’t do something stupid to either myself or to somebody else. And so there was there’s always at least a couple soldiers around me to just make sure that I was okay. Within about 20 minutes or so of finding out that my brother was killed. Our own unit started taking fire from the village that we had just come out of. And so, at that point,

Scott Deluzio 24:55
I realized I had to I had to do something I couldn’t just sit there feeling sorry for myself. But that grief that I had that I was experiencing in that moment, turned to straight anger. I was so angry at the people of Afghanistan for not being able to handle this, this fight on the road to require people like my brother and the 1000s of others who, who came there and gave their lives for these people. Why couldn’t they fight their own fight? Why did we have to be there? Why do we have to lose good people like my brother, I was so angry, in fact that I had actually this this fleeting thought of me just running back down into this village, and just killing everybody that I saw. And because I was just so angry at, at these people, not even just the the enemy who were fighting it with us, I had this vision of I just want to kill everybody. I was that angry. But I realized, if I was to do something like that, first off, I

Scott Deluzio 26:03
I wouldn’t make it. You know, just one man running down into a firefight like that. This isn’t a Rambo movie, I’m not going to, I’m not going to survive that. So I started thinking about my wife, you know, I don’t want her to become a widow. I don’t want my son to grow up without a father. And God forbid, my parents ended up getting a second knock on the door that day, telling them that that now both of their kids have been killed. I couldn’t do that to them. So I realized that I needed to suck it up, put this anger aside, put this grief aside, and I needed to focus on on my job. I had about 10 soldiers or so that I was responsible for that day. And if something happened to me, or if I wasn’t doing my job, I’d have my head on straight. something bad could happen to them. And then how do I explain that to their families? How do I tell them that, hey, your loved one is no longer here? Because I couldn’t keep my stuff together. I couldn’t, I couldn’t keep my head on straight throughout this whole ordeal. You know, how do I how do I say that to them. And so I realized I now had another group of people that I needed to get myself straightened out for. And so I did, I was still angry. But I went and made sure that my my men were positioned where they needed to be. And I said men, because we are infantry. And at the time, there were no females in the infantry. So they were all men. And I made sure that they were positioned where they needed to be, I made sure that they fire on their targets was going in the right direction, made sure that they were they were conserving ammunition, made sure that they were doing all the things that they were supposed to be doing. And they did a phenomenal job, I was very proud of how well they were able to operate under under fire during that time period. And, and some of them had already known about what had happened to my brother. So they were just as mad as, as I was maybe not quite as mad as I was, but they were they were pretty mad. At one. One of my my soldiers had a the two or three grenade launcher and he just wanted to launch all of them in just annihilate whatever was standing in his way, because he was just so mad. I had to remind him to conserve some of the ammunition, because we didn’t know what else was coming. And so you know, so that that took place just that was about 20 minutes after finding out that my brother was killed. And it was just horrible for me. After that attack died down, and we came out on top. Fortunately, we didn’t have any any American killed in action in that fight. But we we managed to stop the attack. I was I was told that they were getting a helicopter to come back and take me out of that that area to start me on my journey home. When the helicopter landed. I got on the helicopter and I was sitting directly across from that same general that I talked to earlier in the day. And he recognized me and he said, What Weren’t you the soldier that I was talking to just a little while ago? And I said, Yeah. And I said, Do you remember that call that you got about the the two soldiers who are killed? And I said, well, one of them was my brother. And he and I both just couldn’t believe the coincidence that I happen to be out of all the 1000s of soldiers who were in Afghanistan, I happen to be the one who was standing next to him when when he got that call, you know, thank God they didn’t use names on the radio because I don’t know how this whole situation would have played out differently, but it would not have ended very well. I don’t I don’t think so. That would have been a terrible way to find out but but yeah, that was that was my day. And then that that that started my journey home. So they flew me to Bagram Airbase the next day. I was I was able to be a part of what’s called the ramp ceremony, which is where they bring the bodies of the fallen soldiers onto the plane that that takes them out of Afghanistan. And and there were There were two soldiers. The other soldier Tristan Southworth, he was he was killed in the recovery efforts of trying to recover my brother’s body. And so I was able to be a part of that. And I felt actually felt very fortunate that I was able to be there for that. Most soldiers don’t have anybody who is like a blood relative that is that close to them, who is able to be a part of that. And so I felt fortunate that I was able to be there and, and thank all of the people who came through there were high ranking American soldiers, generals, colonels, things like that. There were foreign soldiers, Polish and German soldiers who came through who were paying their respects to soldier that they didn’t even know. But they felt the need to come and pay their respects. And I was able to be there and thank them, and, you know, really just show my appreciation that they were able to take that time out of their day to come in and do that. So from there I was, I was actually able to get on that same flight with my brother, we flew to Kuwait, where he and I parted ways. I continued on to Germany, Atlanta, and then back, back home from from there. So all in all, it took me about two days, from the time that I found out that my brother was killed to the time that I was standing back home in Connecticut from from the time that I found out that my brother was killed, it took about two days, which is breaking all sorts of records. As far as deployment travel is concerned. Usually you don’t get home that quickly, but but they bumped me to the head of the line for for all these all these flights.

Victoria Volk 31:39
Wow. And so did you end up having to go back on.

Scott Deluzio 31:42
I did not know, I originally was scheduled to go back, they they gave me two weeks to come back home for the funeral and, and things like that. But at the funeral with with any kind of high profile deaths, like a military death or things like that, there were a lot of politicians and, and things like that, who attended the funeral. And one of one which happened to be the state governor. And for anyone who’s not familiar with the National Guard, the National Guard falls under both federal and state jurisdiction. So so the the commander in chief is also the Governor as well as the President of the United States. So at the funeral, the governor of the state of Connecticut told, told my family and I that I was not going to be going back, she was going to issue an order that I would stay back, stay at home because she said no, no family should have to go through that a second time. And, and so from there, I stayed home. I was I was home for the most part. Since the day that I came back. The only time that was that was that I had to leave was to do the out processing. When you when you get back from a deployment, you have to go through various medical and mental health screenings and, and process all the paperwork and all that kind of stuff. Unfortunately, that that took me back to Indiana, and Camp Atterbury. So I had to leave my family for a period of time, they scheduled me for about three days to be there. And I was like, There’s no way I’m gonna stay here for three days. This is just too much for me. So I ran through everything. I lived through my teeth through all the mental health screenings, just just to check the box and get it over with because I wanted more than anything I wanted to be home with my family. And the only thing that was standing in my way was a checkbox on a piece of paper from the these counselors saying that I was I was good to go. I wasn’t good to go. I was nowhere near good to go. But I was like I don’t, I don’t care at this point. I just want to get home.

Victoria Volk 33:44
And I think that’s the case with anyone whenever they come home off a deployment. Let’s just get this over with and check the boxes. And you know, there’s no real transparency and honesty, and not just because you want to get back home. But it’s gotten a lot better. But I think you know, your rank your career, like all those things come into play when you’re looking at those boxes. And was this earlier on in your deployment? Or did it happen later? Like did you feel guilty about that?

Scott Deluzio 34:15
Yeah, it was towards the end of the deployment. So we I had gotten there in like early February, and we were scheduled to be there until October, sometime in that timeframe. And he was killed at the end of August. So so we only had about a month and a half or so left, maybe two months left in this deployment. And so yeah, did I feel guilty I felt guilty about a lot of things. I I started questioning, you know why I joined the so my my brother had joined the Vermont Army National Guard, which I think I mentioned earlier, but he had joined before I did. And I felt guilty that I didn’t join with him in Vermont. I I joined the Connecticut Army National Guard. And had I joined the same unit is, as he did, I may have been able to be there with him, I may have been able to do something to help him to prevent this from happening. And so I kept going through all those what if scenarios in my head, like what if I had joined the Vermont National Guard? What if I had to talk to him out of re enlisting when he did, which would have made him ineligible to deploy because his enlistment was going to be up at some point during that deployment. And so he wouldn’t have deployed. What if I had done any number of other things, you know. And so I felt guilty for all of those those things, that I didn’t try harder that I didn’t try to talk him out of reenlisting that I didn’t try to join the Vermont National Guard that I didn’t do any of these things. And all of that was starting to eat away at me too. It just made me feel like I was just a terrible brother, you’re a big brother, like, that’s your job, like, your job is there to protect your younger siblings. And here I was, and I, I screwed that up. And I couldn’t be there for him when he needed me the most. And so I felt terrible about all of that. And it really it just ate me up inside.

Victoria Volk 36:23
You said you reached out the Vet Center and and things started to turn around? When did you start to feel like you were really reconciling your grief and what what you had been through and experienced with the loss of your brother, and how did that transform your life.

Scott Deluzio 36:39
It took a while. Like I said earlier, it’s not a immediate overnight transition that takes place. At least it wasn’t for me, I don’t know, some other people may have different experiences, maybe they have that light bulb moment earlier on in the process, and things just get started getting better. But for me, I was going to the Vet Center for almost two years. And at the time that I stopped going, the counselor that I was seeing he was being transferred to another location. And my family and I we were we were planning on moving to Arizona where we live now. And it just seemed like a good time to kind of cut off the treatment. I said, you know, I feel like I’m in a better place right now, I feel like I’m not having these angry outbursts all the time. Maybe I’m not perfect, maybe I still have them occasionally. But I’m getting better at this. And I think I can I can handle it from here. And I wasn’t drinking nearly as much as I had been before, you know, and the goal was never to quit drinking altogether. For me anyway. So because I still, you know, enjoy a beer every once in a while, you know, with family or friends or whatever it’s not, but it’s not like, I need this every night kind of thing. And that’s what I was trying to get away from I didn’t need to drink to make myself pass out and go to sleep. I that’s what I wanted to get away from. So. So it got me to the point where I was able to kind of manage my life a little bit easier. And I knew I still had some work to do. But I felt like I had the tools to do it and handle these things on my own. And so we moved out here to Arizona stopped going to treatment for for a while. And a few years after, after being here, I started noticing that I was slipping into some of these old habits and patterns that I was that I had successfully gotten away from for a little while. But but they were creeping back. I was starting to have a short fuse again, where where I just get mad and angry at the littlest things. And it wasn’t until actually late last year, where I really realized why I was getting so angry at the little things when you’re in the military. And you know, this probably just as well. When someone tells you to do something, they give you an order. It’s not one of those things that’s up for debate. Like oh, well, you know, maybe if we do it this way and change it. No, it’s no, this is what needs to happen. And that needs to happen. Now it just do it. Yeah, there’s some times when that might be appropriate. But but in the heat of the moment, you kind of just have to follow those orders and and do what is asked of you. And if it’s not done as as it’s intended to be done, then that’s when lives are at stake when people start getting injured and killed. And I felt like I was carrying that same level of intensity just into my everyday daily life. And like that’s, that’s no way. There’s no way to live life right like constantly acting as If everything is a life and death situation, when my son spills a glass of milk on the floor, that’s not a life and death situation, when my dog throws up on the carpet, that’s not a life and death situation, I don’t need to have that level of intensity with, with those kinds of situations. Yeah, I can be frustrated that something like that happened. But I don’t need to be, you know, turning into Sergeant Scott mode, you know, insert gelling with the knife, hands and everything. And, and, you know, going absolutely crazy about these situations. And, but that’s what I was doing. And I found myself falling back into those old patterns, I was having more and more trouble sleeping. So I found myself drinking more and more, and getting it back into those old habits. And,

Scott Deluzio 40:48
And I realized at that point that our mental health is, it’s not like some things with your physical health, like, if you were to break your arm, you go to the doctor, you get the cast put on, it’s healed, you take the cast off, and it’s good, you don’t really need a follow up unless you break your arm or you reinjure it somehow, right. So you’re kind of just just good after that, right. But your mental health is a little more fluid, it comes in waves, you know, certain things can set you off sights, smells, times of day, or even times of year, can can set you off anniversaries of of things like the loved one staff that have their birthdays, or certain holidays that you enjoyed celebrating together or things like that, those kinds of things can set you off. And so what I realized is that it’s it’s worthwhile to just like with your physical health to go get a checkup, every once in a while, go go in, just have a chat with someone and just make sure that everything’s still ticking the way it’s supposed to be ticking, you know, you go to the doctor for an annual physical, to make sure that your cholesterol is in check to make sure that you’re, you know, you’re maybe do a cancer screening, you know, on an annual basis to make sure that something didn’t pop up in the last year, right. There’s nothing wrong with going and continuing to get mental health treatment on a periodic basis, whether that’s annually or more or less frequently, whatever makes sense for you. But there’s nothing wrong with that. If there’s, there’s something that could be popping up for you. Go talk to somebody. And lately, I’ve been in several different treatment options for PTSD. And currently, I’m doing prolonged exposure therapy, where you basically are talking about these, these trauma memories that replay in your head over and over again, and you talk about it. And the idea is sort of like if you were to watch a scary movie, the first time you watch it, it’s pretty scary. But if you were to sit down and force yourself to watch that movie 2530 times by that point, you kind of know when the guy is going to jump out of the closet, and you know what, what’s coming, and it’s not so scary anymore. And so that’s kind of the idea with with this as well is that you kind of relive some of those, those memories over and over again, to the point where they’re, they’re not as traumatic to you, there’s still, it’s not taking away the impact that they may have had on your life, but it’s reducing your response to it, you’re not jumping out of out of the seat in that scary moment in the movie anymore. You’re not waking up in the middle of the night, you know, having nightmares about these things anymore. And that’s, that’s kind of the goal. And so, so that that’s what I’ve been doing. And this is this is 12 years after, after the fact. And it’s okay, it can be one of those things that that goes on for for years. But you just manage the situation differently. And I it’s been 12 years for me, but I did have a significant time period in between where I took took a break. So it wasn’t like I was continuously working on this for 12 years, you know, so not to discourage anyone who who might be looking for that type of thing. It’s not like, this is a normal results. Where Yeah, this is gonna take me decades to get through. It may it may not I don’t know. But you know, for me, it’s one of those things where I just realized it’s okay to ask for help, even all these years later, and the help that I’m getting is, is helping in various areas. And so, you know, it’s just being open to getting that treatment.

Victoria Volk 44:38
I commend you for reaching out a second time. You know, we often think that you had that gap and you think you go through life and you think I’m good, I’m fine. I’m fine. I got this right. Did you have another loss that kind of catapulted you back in time to that heart Break, because you mentioned, you know, this is the perfect part to say this too, because you said, when you have a broken bone, you go to the doctor and we say in Grief Recovery, you have a broken bone, you go to the doctor, why do we not go to the doctor when we have a broken heart? Right? It’s it’s more than just our mental health, it’s a broken heart. Did you have a broken heart again, during that, that you found yourself realizing, Oh, I’m falling back into these patterns?

Scott Deluzio 45:31
You know, I, I didn’t have a loss to the same extent that, that losing my brother was I didn’t have a loved one passed away, like that. But what I did have, and this was, this was about four years ago now. And this was kind of in the middle of the process. So I don’t know if this was exactly, exactly what was the catalyst for, for this change for me or whatever. But it may have helped push me over the edge a little bit. But my, my wife had pretty significant medical issues where she started having some seizures. And she had never had seizures before in her life. And she, she ended up in a coma. And the doctors and the nurses weren’t sure what we were gonna get when she came out of this, this coma, they weren’t sure if, if she was going to be responsive. They didn’t know they didn’t know what was going to happen when she eventually came out of a coma. And so, yeah, that was a scary situation for me, because here I am, with three kids, you know, I’ve always relied on her. We’ve always relied on each other, I should say, to build this family. And now I’m questioning whether or not she’s going to be there anymore. And and that was, that was really scary for me. And I’m not saying that that necessarily caused me to start drinking and start, you know, falling down that this path because I think there were some other warning signs early on that I was starting to slip back into that that pattern but but that’s when I realized that I needed to get some help for myself, too. I needed to get back into it and start seeking out some sort of treatment. And I tried, you know, several different things, but but it really was once when when we found out that she was going to be okay, I realized I needed to get back in and start taking this seriously and not just say, Oh, I’ll be okay, I’ll just deal with it. I needed to do more, be more act proactive with my mental health.

Victoria Volk 47:47
I think that a situation like that, too, is such a reminder for us that we are not in control. Right. So when you’re in the military, and you’re wearing the uniform, and you’re the one that has to be in control, and everything is precise, and accurate, and you’re giving orders and taking orders and everything is you know, you know how it is. It’s a controlled, you know, we do our best to have it be a controlled environment, and respond like that when it’s not. Right. Right. And so when there’s a situation like that, like with your wife, I can see it could pull you right back into that when you lost your brother in this feeling of no sense of control out of, you know, but I also know, you had lost a dog, didn’t you?

Scott Deluzio 48:35
Yeah, well, this was this was later on. This was in the summer of 2020 that that my dog passed away. And that was that was a pretty significant loss too, because she had been with our family for, let’s say, we got her probably two months or so after my wife and I got married. So pretty much our entire marriage. She was there throughout this whole grieving process. And she was the dog that I was yelling at for throwing up on the carpet. You know, and, and the cool thing about dogs is as much of a jerk as I was to her during that time period, she still for the day that she died, she still was wagging her tail and happy to see me and we actually called her my my co worker because I work from home. And whenever I would go into the office, she’d be right at my heels she she’d always come into the office with me as she got older. She was an English bulldog. So very low energy. She would just come into the office and sleep at my feet all day and and she was happiest can be to be able to do that like that was just was was so awesome for her. So much so that on the weekends when I wouldn’t go into work, she would stand by the door and just start barking because she’s like, No, this is where we need to be right now. I need to be here and so, you know, so hurt the loss of that dog was, was significant. She had been there for the entirety of my my children’s lives up until that point. They never knew what it was like to live without a dog, my wife and I actually found it because the dog is so used to sleep in our bedroom, which had a little bed next to next to ours. My wife and I actually found it difficult to sleep at night because we didn’t have her snoring in the room with us. Which, which sounds weird. Like, you might think, like, Oh, my God, that’s so annoying, but it actually became like a, like, white noise kind of thing. Where were we almost came to expect it to be. And so yeah, it had some impact as well on on us. And, you know, we’re coming up on two years. As of the time of this recording, by the time this recording airs, it’s going to be a little bit after that, but even just last night, I was talking with my daughter, and and she was saying how she still misses the dog. And and, you know, so it’s had an impact on our family. And, you know, yeah, you can say it’s just a dog, but the people who live with the dog, like that’s, that’s a part of part of your family. And you don’t want anything bad to happen to them.

Victoria Volk 51:24
And you don’t want to break a dog owners heart by saying it’s just a dog, don’t people. Right, right. breaking their heart all over again.

Scott Deluzio 51:33
Exactly. Yeah. So

Victoria Volk 51:34
Yeah, I bring that up. Because it’s grief is cumulative. It’s cumulatively negative. So all of those things that you experienced it just stack up over time.

Scott Deluzio 51:45
Yeah, yeah. And it’s what really got me. And I knew that she didn’t have much time left with us. Just because English Bulldogs ate tend to live for about eight to 10 years, and she was pushing 12 I kind of knew it time was limited for her shoot, she was basically on borrowed time, as far as I was concerned, because that’s, you know, that they just don’t live that long. And what killed me though, was seeing my kids reaction when they found out that that she had died. The heartbreak in them was, was like, just stabbing me too, because like, I never, I don’t want my kids to be sad and upset over over things like that. But at the same time, I was glad that they knew the love that they had, right. But I’m glad that they were able to experience that because without the highs, you can’t have the lows, or maybe the other way around. Right? If you don’t have those lows, you don’t appreciate the highs as much, right? And so, you know, in a way, I was sort of glad, but at the same time, it was just it was like stabbing you with a knife. It was hard to see them experienced that.

Victoria Volk 53:06
So how do you because I know like, in those earlier years and the angry years and experiencing the grief years, you felt very angry and things and guilt and all of those things that we these feelings that we punish ourselves with, and we don’t give ourselves compassion or grace. What does that look like for you today? Now that you’ve, you’re in, you know, you’re getting help again, and things or you’re feeling more, maybe more like yourself? How has that changed for you? How you give yourself compassion and things like that?

Scott Deluzio 53:44
I think what you you said earlier about how grief is cumulative. I think that’s true for a lot of the experiences that we have in life. So you know, as you experience things, you you learn and grow from them all the way back from when you’re a kid and you touch something that was really hot for the first time. You’ve learned really quickly not to do that again, right and, but that’s like one experience that you you carried on throughout your entire life. Everything that you experience is something that you’re going to carry on throughout life in grief is included the loss of a loved one, a pet, family member, what whoever it is, there, that is something that’s going to carry with you, and how you deal with those, those things will also carry it with you. And I think I had a really hard time for for the longest time letting myself just just accept the fact that that there are certain things that are out of my control that that no matter what I did or didn’t do. It was it was his time. It was his time. wouldn’t have happened, whether I was standing right next to him or not. And so I just had to be okay with that. And, you know, it took me a while to start to accept that there are certain things just out of my control took me a while to learn how to grieve when I had lost loved ones before, you know, grandparents and things like that earlier on, but never, never someone is as close to me as my, my brother was, and I, I didn’t really know how to grieve that kind of loss. When we got into that firefight, right after I found out that he was killed. I felt like I put the grief aside, I stopped being able to grieve. And I picked up the anger. And that’s all I really knew was just how to be angry in the military. It’s almost like, applauded when, when you’re going around being angry at things all the time, like, Okay, well, this person is serious, and they’re intense. And they, they’re, you know, they’re, they’re really taking their job seriously. Okay, yeah, I get that. But when you’re coming home, and you’re screaming at your, your one year old, and you’re, you’re yelling at your dog, and you’re, you’re just being an absolute jerk. That’s not the same thing. And that’s, I think, I’ve replaced my, my grief with anger. And so for the longest time, I don’t, I don’t think I was actually even breathing, I think I was just actively being angry, trying to do something, trying to be in control of a situation I had no control over. And so it took me a while, but I eventually figured out how to accept the things that I had no control over to accept the fact that, that he was gone, that that no amount of yelling and screaming and losing my temper was going to bring him back. But what I could do is, remember the good times with him, remember, the things that we used to do the trouble we used to get into as kids remember the fun that we would have? Even as adults, we, we would go to hockey games together, and we’d have fun. i There’s various stories, I probably could tell about all that, that kind of stuff, too. But you know, I started thinking about those those things. And then I started thinking about, would he be okay with how I’m reacting to this, like if, you know, whatever people believe if they believe in heaven, and hell, and all that kind of stuff. But, you know, just imagine for a minute what, regardless of what you believe that there’s some portal to wherever they are, and they’re able to look down at us and see how we’re behaving, knowing what you know about that person, would they be proud of what you’re doing with your life and how you’re doing? Would they be upset? Would they be sad for you with?

Scott Deluzio 58:14
And I thought, you know, why not try to whether there’s that portal that I’m talking about? We’re not, why not try to live life in a way that would make him proud. And, and that’s what I’ve done, I think anyways, with, with my podcasts, you mentioned it earlier, the drive on podcast, where I I’m trying to help out other veterans who are struggling with various issues, whether it’s PTSD, or addiction or job transition, things like that. I want to help people, and so that they’re not struggling by themselves. And I’ve also written my book that talks about this whole experience of surviving son, which my goal for that is to hopefully have the other people who needed the service members who were dealing with, with stuff similar to what I was dealing with, to make sure that they realize that there are healthier ways to deal with the grief and the losses that they may experience. Maybe that those those people didn’t lose a blood relative the way I did, but maybe they lost a close friend in combat or in a training accident or something like that. There’s healthier ways to deal with it than what I did. But I also want everyone else who reads it, to realize that there is a real person behind the name that you hear on the news. Anytime that you hear about these combat deaths, you know, last year had the 1313 troops that were killed in Afghanistan during the end of that withdrawal period. Each one of those people had a family and had people who cared about them, and they had a life before that. They had a hobbies and interests and and things that they were known for. And, you know, we don’t know, every single one of them, we don’t know, maybe even don’t even know their names. But why not? Why don’t they were people who went out and laid their lifestyle down, we should take some time to get to know who these people were not that that would ever replace their being here, but it helps if their memory lives on. And so that’s, that’s what I wanted to do in my book is talk about my my brother and his upbringing and how, how we were as kids and everything. So by the time you get to the point where, you know, he’s killed, you sort of feel like you knew him before, before he was killed, and almost gives you that, that sense of like, you almost lost someone that you knew to not, not necessarily to that same extent that, that I would have grieved him or anything but but it just gives you a little perspective, little little insight into those names that you hear on the news.

Victoria Volk 1:01:08
It humanizes the story. Yeah, it does. So what is one of your most favorite memories with Steven or have Steven or a memory that like would embody who he was.

Scott Deluzio 1:01:21
So he was, he was kind of a goofball. He would, he would always do things to make people laugh. No matter what, no matter what the situation was, if you were having a bad day, you came home from work or school or whatever, and you’re having a bad day, he’d figured out a way to get you to laugh. If you were telling a story, talking about something that was boring to him. If he was standing there, he would literally collapse on the ground and pretend like he was sleeping. Because that was his way of saying, Hey, this is boring. I don’t want to talk about this anymore. And so we’d all start laughing because it was it was just funny, right? There was there’s one time and I talked about this in the book, because I think I’m gonna steal that. You know what the, we’ve done that, too. Like after, after he passed away, sometimes we’ll be sitting around, I’ll be sitting with my parents and talking and they’ll be saying something and I’m like, This is so boring is stupid. And I’ll just like put my head down and like

Victoria Volk 1:02:19
I wanna do that to someone see what the reaction is.

Scott Deluzio 1:02:26
But so so this other story that I talked about in my book, I think really shows how much life he had in him and how lively of a person he was. So we were up in Boston, watching a Boston Bruins hockey game, and they were playing the Montreal Canadiens. And it’s big rivalry between Montreal and Boston and, and everything. And so the Bruins had won that game. And so there’s this whole big, like, USA, USA kind of vibe in the arena, right? Everyone’s like, you know, all this patriotic kind of thing. Like, oh, Canada, you know, yeah. Okay, whatever, Canada, you know, that kind of stuff. And so, he and I had been a few few beers deep at that point, you know, really enjoying the game. And so if you’ve ever walked out of a pro sports arena, you know that the sea of people, you’re waddling like penguins trying to get out of place, right. And there’s, there’s this hole, as far as your I can see almost, there’s people, right? Well, we’re standing there, and with this whole big patriotic vibe going, my brother starts yelling, USA, USA, and he gets the entire arena, all of these people to start chanting that too. And, and it’s amazing. It’s like deafening how loud it was because we’re in the small, like, hallway corridor kind of thing. And it continues all the way into the stairwell walking out of the place, going down out into the street. And it’s just funny, right? So he and I had nothing but the or up until that point. And so we were pretty hungry. And we found a burger place across the street, and we went in to go get some food. And so we sit down and the waiter comes by and it takes our order and and he asked my brother is Canadian bacon, okay, on your burger. And my brother looks at him like he was about to rip his face off. And he goes, hell no. I want American bacon on this burger. And then he cracks a smile and we realized that he’s just joking, right? And then the waiter goes Would would you like french fries with that? And he has that same disgusted look on his face. Because hell no, I want American fries and the guy is like, I don’t even know what to do with that but you’re gonna get price whatever, you know, but, but you know, that’s just the kind of guy he was where he could get an entire arena to start chanting you USA USA. And then he can flip to just joking around with a waiter at the restaurant. And it was just to me, it was a very memorable time. You know, if he was still here today, I don’t even know if he would remember that he had done any of that. But to me, it was just like, that’s him. That’s that’s his personality. And I think that that gives a good good example of who he was.

Victoria Volk 1:05:25
Wit and humor. Yeah, I love that. I’ll probably share that story later. Thank you so much for sharing that. Yeah, absolutely. Thank you so much for sharing everything that you have, I have no doubts that this is going to be helpful for many people I could have, I wanted to like dig into more the alcohol and you know, because that’s a stir by talked about that earlier. And anger is also a sturb. And I could have gotten there too in the conversation. But I feel very whole and complete with what we’ve talked about. And I want to give you an opportunity to share anything else if there if you have anything else to share?

Scott Deluzio 1:06:03
Yeah, a couple of things. You know, for people who are going through grief, like like this, or any kind of grief, some people say it gets better with time, I don’t know that that’s true, I think it gets different. You kind of learn to live with that difference in your life. You know, you learn to live with that loved one, not in your life anymore, you start to learn how to not rely on that person being there, and you adjust. So life gets different. And the sooner you get Okay, with the fact that life gets different, I think the easier you’ll use your time you’ll have with the whole process. Not I’m not trying to say that it ever gets easy. It just gets different. And when you have that difference, and you’re okay with that difference, it does get easier. Because you’re not, you’re not swimming upstream, you’re not fighting against the current or whatever you’re, you’re, you’re kind of accepting it and, and moving on and learning how to how to live life. Without whatever that thing is in your life that you’re you’re grieving. So you know, anything from loss of a loved one or pet, a job loss relationship that ends, all of those are different types of grief. But the sooner you you learn to accept the fact that things are just going to be different. I think that the sooner you can get on with with life and have a happier, more fulfilling life, if I can. I know we mentioned my podcast earlier, the drive on podcasts for any veterans or loved ones of veterans who might be struggling to drive on podcast, you can find it at Drive on podcast.com. And then my book, Surviving son, you can get that on Amazon. Just search for surviving son, and it should should pop up there. It’s also at surviving son book.com. And you can find it there. But, but ultimately, the goal for me is to help people find hope, where they might feel that all hope is lost. So you know if there’s anything that I’ve said or have worked on that that might help people. That’s really the goal for me is just to get that information out there. And I can help as many people as possible.

Victoria Volk 1:08:42
Thank you so much. And I’ll actually I’ll put the links to those mentions in the show notes just to piggyback what you had shared. It’s about time, it’s making the choice to take action in that time. That really is the catalyst for change. It’s making a choice to make a change and taking action towards that change that you want to see in your life and in your grief. So, thank you so much. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.

Ep 119 | Kimberly Bell

Kimberly Bell | The Imprint of Fear and Feeling Unwanted To Finding My Voice

 

SHOW NOTES SUMMARY: 

Every human being experiences trauma to some degree. We don’t have to experience “Big T Traumas” for those experiences to leave an imprint on our hearts and bodies.

At age 5, Kimberly had such an experience after witnessing her father physically abuse her mother while she and her older sibling were present. And, because they were in a vehicle, there was nowhere to run or hide. Afterward, her father dropped off her mother and sibling at a family member’s home. On the other hand, Kimberly was taken by her father to sleep elsewhere and away from her family, with terror in her body and fear in her heart. From that day forward, Kimberly’s life changed forever.

Kimberly was left in the care of her father’s sister and husband, where Kimberly went from a family unit of four and an older sibling she adored to becoming an only child. She became estranged from her immediate biological family in an instant. Her older sister remained with their parents and experienced the addition of more siblings that came along over the years that Kim had no part of, too, which only added to her grief over the years.

Defining moments like these shape the rest of our lives and impact who we become and how we show up in the world. Kimberly had to learn how to build her self-esteem, that self-love is the best love, and that she was worthy of love no matter what she did or didn’t do for others.

Kimberly shares a lesson her adopted father shared with her: “Stand for something, or you’ll fall for anything.” I believe Kimberly did just that by finding and sharing her voice.

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Victoria Volk 0:00
Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. My guest today is Kimberly Bell. She is a native of Salisbury, Maryland. And she holds two degrees, one in human growth and development, psychology, and the other in theology. She is an inspirational speaker, Minister, mentor and author of the epitome of Kimmy, accept and embrace it all. Through her work, she shares her life story and personal experiences to inspire others to never give up hope, while raising awareness to societal issues. Thank you so much for being my guest.

Kimberly Bell 0:37
Thank you for having me. It’s a pleasure. Thank you.

Victoria Volk 0:41
We’re just going to dive right in, because a part of your story is of being adopted. And I don’t know that I have had a guest who has been adopted, necessarily, I tried to think and I There isn’t. I’m gonna have to look that up. Yeah. What is that like?

Kimberly Bell 1:02
Huh? Well, as I started the healing process, and going through investing in me and building my self worth and getting to understand things that was broken foundations that was broken, and how I dealt with the depression and anxiety of separation, and abandonment and stuff is that when I really realized that I went through a great loss of along with that separation of staying with my biological parents, my biological mother and father and my biological sister, she was two years older than me up until I was five. And then, my biological father, and my biological mother had one of the worst fights ever. It wasn’t not normal, that they had chaotic, you know, in their marriage. And, you know, and in the home, where I witnessed physical, verbal, and, you know, abuse there, but this particular time, it was one of the worst. And it ended up my biological father and my boss and my biological mother separating for a short time. But during that traumatic experience, it took me with him. And he dropped me off to his sister, which is my paternal aunt, she’s the oldest sibling of them. And he said, I would come back, he, you know, told me, I was going to have to stay there. But he would come back and never happened. Now, their relationship did not cease, you know, they still had the sibling relationship. And he came periodically, in and out, he ended up really getting a divorce from my biological mother down the road after they had other kids, and making a new family. But it was almost like, it was a continuous journey for me in my mind that I lost my dad, and I lost my mother. At that time, at that tragic event, I lost, and no one gave me a say, I had no control. And now how do I grieve? Losing and being separated from all that? I knew from the beginning?

Victoria Volk 3:29
At home? What age five, five?

Kimberly Bell 3:32
Going on six? Yeah.

Victoria Volk 3:33
What happened to your sister?

Kimberly Bell 3:35
She stayed with, with my mother.

Victoria Volk 3:38
So you lost your sister too

Kimberly Bell 3:40
Exactly yeah, I lost a relationship. And we talked about that a couple of times, I was vocal one. And I said, you know, we were robbed from our relationship. Because we were really close. She was two years older than me. And she was pretty much my hero. I remember, you know, being upset going in her room. And, you know, she would make me you know, as big sisters would, you know, smile and laugh and, and those years of missing and wondering, you know, what is she doing and wanting to be around her wanting to be connected, and that’s not happening. Until we got to almost adult age, we still stayed in our hometown, but we was not connected. We was not connected.

Victoria Volk 4:25
Wow, that’s almost even harder, right? Like you’re young. And you knew like you consciously knew like even, let’s say, maybe not necessarily at five not understanding that but surely, eight 910 11. Knowing your mom, your sister in the same town, but you’re not connected. You’re not seeing each other right

Kimberly Bell 4:47
Now a couple of times I went through my little spells of and I never wanted not to be connected to either one of them. It’s just it never worked in my favor. But I always wanted to be back with my mother, you know, even even knowing the treatment wasn’t, wasn’t good. It was only the treatment that I knew. And I loved her. So wasn’t I never wanted, you know, so I would go do some episodes and spells that I would cry and I’m like, oh, what my mom, I want to go with my sister. You know, and then episodes with my dad coming in and out talking to his sibling, or the, you know, my adopted mom, which is just sister about his life. And then, you know, looking at me and saying, I’m gonna come, I’m gonna come back and get you I’m going to come and, you know, I’m going to take you with me, and I’m getting my bags packed and, and hopes up, and he never shows up. So I’m going through all this talk tormal. And my, my adopted father, which is her husband was like, always the mediator, he was always trying to balance my episodes out. So I remember him making, it’s crazy that you said around eight or nine, there was pretty much around that age between eight to 1010, that he gave my dad a talk. And I remember listening in the other room, and he was really kind of like getting on him stern and was like, stay away. If we want to promise her and not come not deliver. And we see the hurt and we see the pain. Don’t do that. Just stay away. And so it he did four months, I didn’t see him. And then when I did see him when months, they you know, he would come there periodically and and pretty much update my mom, his sister on his life. When he was going into the ministry, he remarried. He had other kids and stuff like that. And in the episodes that I was going through a wanting to be with my mom, I remember my mom, at that time, my adopted mom saying, you know, I just don’t understand you. Why would you want to be with someone that mistreat you and don’t want you and other and you know, my dad, he would be the mediator, he would say, you know, her husband, we’re not going to do this. It’s okay. And that was he was really like the first one that really gave me a sense that my emotions, my feelings didn’t matter, despite of anybody else made me feel that way. He said, I guess kind of this foundation because he said, we’re not going to do that we’re not going to do that. It’s okay that she wants to go and see her mom. It’s okay that she was, but it was never an initiated from her. So that even hurt worse because it was always me initiating. So with me initiating, and he was he allowed him and my mother allowed me to periodically to go and see my mother, we’re all still living in that same hometown radius. So probably like 20 to 25 minutes apart. When I come to visit her, it was never it was always the same. It was just like I was a neighborhood kid. So here I’m going back, Justice torn as I was leaving. So then, you know, that stopped after for a while that stuff. But it was never. And that’s why I said I know that I had to come to grips and accept that was a complete loss. Mentally, physically and emotionally from my birth mother, that I want it so much to have. She was all I knew. But I had to accept. That’s not what she wanted, you know, and I’m not responsible for that. I held guilt and shame for being responsible of her choice of not wanting me not fighting for me, not coming back to get me not, you know, concluding the separation, you know, so it was those episodes. And like I said, during those years, up until 18 When I did leave my adoptive parents home, you know, because I’m of age or whatever in my life changed. It was never an initiation from my birth mother. No calls that I can recall. No gifts, no kind of mental, physical, or emotional contact to let me know that she wanted to be connected with me so that sealed and I had to live through some rejection and pain because I wasn’t ready to accept the complete loss all the way around. And to grieve. It’s a reality. It was a reality. Yeah.

Victoria Volk 9:36
So how did you find yourself coping with that reality over the years?

Kimberly Bell 9:41
Oh, really in bed cycles depression, anxiety, very impulsive. I was very impulsive and relationships because I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to be feel that abandonment anyone anymore. And once I felt like and get this it was like Because I had, up until five tried to find anything that I could to make her accept me or to make her Be kind, just because to me that that seemed like it never happened or the emotional connection that I seen her do with my sister, that was quite different when it came to me was almost like a resentment. And I didn’t understand why. And so it was always it was like a foundation built on. If I was only quite enough, if I wasn’t only pretty enough, if I was only good enough, if I was only quite smart enough, if I didn’t ask for seconds or whatever, to get approval to be accepted. And that took a lot of years down to other relationships, even down to my kids wanting to be the best. Because here if I could just get one ounce of acceptance that I got you instead of someone just accepting me for me and me not having to work for it. Tough, because I built my life with years of relationships of doing draining myself, too. Am I not just good enough? I have this to offer. I can say you accept me. So once you accept me, then I am I’m good. Why would you ever want to leave me that? Did you get what I’m saying? And then I’m like trying to hold on to whether it’s a bad relationship, rather as a toxic relationship? Because now you’ve used you said, you accept me, you’re in my life? How dare you want to now leave out my life or do something that make me feel like it’s this what life is all about this bad behavior? Or this unhealthy behavior? Or this top sickness? my stress level or the way you’re disrespectfulness? Or the way you’re talking to me? Is this worth you being in my life rather than you not being in mind? No, I’d rather for you to be in my life. And not make me feel abandoned again. And do whatever you want. Shoot me however you want. Because this is what I only knew. This is the cycle. I’m so. And it’s the shame that I got all the way to my 40s. But I had to really choose and accept the dysfunctional cycle and accept and choose. Do I want my life to be this way?

Kimberley Bell 12:36
Like it was the depression, the anxiety, that buying love that feeling like I have to buy love feeling like that I have to force love, beg for love. I don’t. And I had to find I’m worth so much more than have to do by love. I’m worth I was created for love. And to be loved, naturally, does not foresee No. So I had to really like process and get it and say this cycle and changes has to start with me. It has to start with me, from my heart to my mind. And when I got that accept and embrace it all. During those times during those chapters of my memoir, I had to actually live that I had I when I read the story and I wrote story. I was like, holy shit. God, I said, this is really sad. This really this How unfortunate. And I never looked at my story like that. I looked at it as if like, someone looking out in a numb stage like, oh, yeah, you know, she did have two birth parents. She did have to adopt your parents but never actually accepting the effects physically, mentally and emotionally. That took place beyond my control. And then how I staged and I made decisions based on those effects that was never dealt with. And then I was raised in a generation, that era that what goes on in home stays in a home. I didn’t have any they didn’t embrace, you know, therapists they didn’t embrace you know, so I was definitely going through PTSD on so many, so many different levels from that traumatic incident that I just seen blood from my mom’s head to her chin. That that event he physically beat her so bad in the car with me and my sister that led me being taken to his sister’s house. She got dropped off at my grandparents house her and my sister and I say I had to get back in the car with my dad. And then we went, that was one of the I in his vivid. I will never forget in details, what had happened and then having to stay overnight to someone’s house. I didn’t know them. I did. I knew of them. But that was that was my first night that I’ve ever remember staying over and I’m staying there, I’m alone. And it seemed like they already had a bedroom prepared for me. But I’m so shocked and scared. I didn’t even want to tell them that I was scared to be in the dark. I just laid there. And I cried, and I’m thinking of my sister. What is where she, what is she doing? And when when would my dad come back? That something with that inside of me a built in hope was if I could get through this night, I’ll be alright. But as far as my voice as far as me saying to these strange but but not strange people and how I feel oh, it was it was not heard of. So I built a silence about me. You know, so that had to be breaking broken. That had to come to grips with accepting and and then I remember as I was writing the story and reliving marriages and relationships that I adopted the same coping skills, unhealthy coping skill of being silent being feeling like my voice did not matter. Okay, it hurt. Okay, that was very painful. But if I say something, who works for what would it even matter, I had to, you know, really invest some time of breaking my solid, understanding what I’m worth, and building my own self esteem. And then just being comfortable loving me. And once I started just examining and loving me, I still went through some, and I still go through the process of hurt times, I just lost my my adopted mother that raised me and how I was treated, like alienated for speaking my truth, or being courageous enough to share my story. When I tell you, I’m coming from a generation though that you don’t expose any family secrets you don’t share. Even if this was about to help you. You just don’t do that. So I was alienated from the funeral. From the program. My I suppose recent, this was recent. This was last night.

Kimberly Bell 17:33
Her brother took in charge of everything which is my biological father, younger brother, they’re about two or maybe two to four years apart. And my biological father has been dead probably over 11 years now. But he took in charge of everything. And he would not let me or my children be a part of the funeral arrangements, the funeral program. And then on the hair was the icing on the cake. And this is why I’m so glad that I’m able to be a voice and inspire other listeners that had I not took the time to be courageous enough and share my truth and heal and invest in myself. My biological mother, my birth mother was in the program. She was there reading the obituary, and she has never contacted me. She has never contacted me. We still live in hometown, or even give me her condolences that the woman that passed away that raised me acknowledged that she’s passed away but yet she was there and the funeral at the funeral title. Yes, yep. And I’m just saying, If I end it, and don’t get me wrong, I got I didn’t do or the funeral but I didn’t even get out of the car to go to the memorial. The board burial I, one of my adult daughters was with me. So I took her she drove she rode with me. And I was feeling so sick stomach. after that. I went home. And I just laid in the bed and I went to sleep but not saying that I wasn’t hurt. I was hurt, pain when it but what I found was some strength that I allowed myself to choose to reinvest in myself since last year to work on me. My book was published last year in August. So and like I said she just passed away last month, April the 11th. If it not if they did not, if I did not release my truth and invest in me and start building my self worth up and loving me and leaning on the support of my children. I wouldn’t been able to I wouldn’t have been able to pass that test. I know I wouldn’t have. I probably would have turned that y’all probably would have me on CNN. I probably would have turned the funeral out because that was a lot to handle. I’ve been alienated on both sides, but yet having to confront it. You know what I mean? being alienated from both sides. But yet, I’m looking at the woman that raised me. And the casting, she’s going, here’s another loss. And then the birth mom, that has always been a loss there, she’s they’re still portraying. I don’t know what. But it’s a double loss, double alienation, because you never even contacted me. You have not spoke to me. And much almost, you know, a year probably,

Victoria Volk 20:39
To your adoptive parents, did they have other children and for all the love they had to give, it really just went to you.

Kimberly Bell 20:48
Yep I was there. I was her cam and I was his Kimmy. How I got that name. That title is he used to call me his Kimmy. And so yeah,

Victoria Volk 20:59
There’s so much of your story that I personally relate to very different ways. But there’s so much of your story, just really this lack of having a voice, not being able to have a voice and really finding your way, too, that much later in life, like 40th year. So very much like you just walking through life like shrinking, shrinking, shrinking. And it’s really just this way that we self sabotage, and never really truly find our own potential. Because we are so busy looking for approval, and validation and validation and all these things. And I think we do it differently. You know, you mentioned buying love You tried to buy other people’s love, I suppose you You’re what you What do you mean when you say that, and then I want to elaborate more on this.

Kimberly Bell 21:52
I never really remember getting any gift, monetary gift to me from my birth mom, but yet I would. Birthdays, I would give money and cards, I would, you know, give her Mother’s Day cards with money in it if I seen her because like I said it. Being in the hometown at a gas station. I remember saying, you know, being so excited to see her and wanting so much of her acceptance and conversation. You want gas, you know, I can fill your car up. And I’m doing that, you know, like, yeah, so

Victoria Volk 22:24
How about just with, with relationships? How did that show up in relationship,

Kimberly Bell 22:29
I was always the initiator, you know, you need a job. Like, if it wasn’t my money, it was always my time, sacrificing, sacrificing my time, my energy to help them to get on their feet, help them to, you know, if they didn’t have a place to stay, while I haven’t, you know, you can stay here, you know, you need what do you need to get a car, you know, just, you know, I would just be always the one that would use over exceed, you know, the energy, the time the money to, to get that acceptance or buy that approval? You know,

Victoria Volk 23:09
It’s an over giving

Kimberly Bell 23:11
Yeah I can help you, I can help you, I can help you.

Victoria Volk 23:14
And here’s what’s interesting about that, because I very much relate to that. Whether it’s usually it would be my time that I would give to other people and, ya know, deplete my own energy and, and some people do it with food, right. Like some people will just feed people just that’s how they, you know, they get something from that when people would respond with Oh, you’re such a good cook. I love your food. And yeah, so it perpetuates that right. Yeah, that giving and, but when other people would see, right, and correct me if I’m wrong is you have such a big heart. Yep. You know, and so people see that you have such a big heart, but really what they don’t see is the reason for that is the pain. Yeah, the over giving is right for pain, and it’s giving for the wrong reasons. Right? Right. We don’t see that pattern until we see it right until we’re ready to see it. And that’s where you said when you were writing your book, it was obviously a very therapeutic thing for you. I experienced the same it was like the first time really that i same thing I express my voice express express my story shared my story. And it was it was received in a lot of the same way where we don’t talk about what’s happening in the in you know, the family and that’s nobody’s business and but it’s

Kimberly Bell 24:42
True. I had my story right dad at me. Yeah, serious and they’re still mad at me and the retaliation is crazy. But on the other hand, I got so many support of people saying that my story helped inspire them and you know, I never looked at. And I even made sure I remember specifically, when I had. And when I sent the transcript, which was that needed to be edit, you know, I said, and I made it very clear, I said, if you see that I’m going outside and touching my feelings and emotions negatively, to make someone else look bad. Please delete it. Because that is not my mission. This is about me, I want my book to help heal someone else. And to understand that this is my truth, that these are things that I went through, that I had to accept, and how these things has brought me to where I’m at now. Exactly. And so like you said, with people that are from different generations, or different mentality, or mindsets of of, you know, how dare you, you know, with knowing that you’re not just the only soul person that had certain effects on you that happened was like, you don’t cross the line, you don’t do that. You don’t do that I’d rather is for to inspire, heal, you’re not, you just don’t do that you you keep solid. That’s like you said, That’s nobody’s business. And so I am just, and that was like that door of I’ve never felt now, I felt that courageous move, just a touch of it, when I stopped the procrastination, and ended up graduating from the first college and completing something because I felt like I had this mentality that I just had the spirit of, I just couldn’t finish, I just would leave things open, and then go to another thing, and not complete, and then just go to another thing. And so that one courageous move was just a touch of this last one that I said, Okay, now, this is the biggest courageous move of speaking out, standing on my truth. And leaving in in the hands of God, on what the outcome will be. Because God knows it wasn’t about diminishing or damaging anybody else’s character. It was about setting me free. And it did. It set me free. But it also, and I just believe my story is going to set other people free. You know. So my dad said to me, and that really struck me when I was and I had a massage therapist. On on call. During the time I was writing the book during COVID. She didn’t even know that I was writing the book. Actually, I sent the book to her way after, you know, I therapy sessions when the book was released in August of last year. And she just called me she called me but she was like, I can’t believe it. She said, I did not know because some of the things she she didn’t even know. She said, and you were writing this at the time. And I was like, Yeah, but getting back to my dad said, and that really took me to the level that I knew that I had to do this. He said, and this is what he instilled in me was one part of my foundation, he said to me, if you don’t stand for something, learn right now to stand for something. Because if you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything. So that’s why I can talk it, because I lived it. And let people know that even with courageous moves, the it’s it’s still a process that I’m going through that I still feel hurt and pain. Yeah, because I just explained what happened to me a month ago, and I’m still grieving, I still miss her. I want pictures of us when we were a family that he he refuses to give me. So me and my, my, my children don’t have anything of her. Or my dad. And so we’re just waiting on him and at the mercy of him and, and I’m I have to work on me, to allow God to fill my heart with continue to fill my heart with love and not bitterness and not hate and say this is a battle that I don’t want to fight. If it’s going to disrupt my peace like this. You have it. If you take this and just bring me peace with this. I have his Bible. So and I have her obituary, and I do have some, you know some pictures of us. Especially you know when she went to my kids graduation, and you know, I look at those and I just think about things that and a piece comes over me when I think about this I know it’s nothing but God is saying one thing that no one can take away from you is the memories. This is things that they instilled in you. It’s the thoughts.

Kimberly Bell 30:11
It’s the way now that you have become as a woman and a mother. And, and a grandmother is because of them people that raised you. They can’t take that away from you. So I tear up with that. But it’s a good to hear, because it’s a piece that God has allowed me to strengthen through this, through this journey. And one thing I’ve found, and I and I tried to express so much, because I’ve dealt with this so many times, and I really believe we as human beings deal with this too. I’m not responsible for anyone else’s actions or behaviors. Do they hurt? Yeah. Are they disappointing? Yes. But the only thing that I can control and and deal with is my responses is my actions is my behavior is how I choose to live my life. Under stress, I can’t I can’t do anything else. Yeah. But for years, and I know a lot of people have, I’ve dealt my emotions on feeling responsible, or in control of what people done, and say, and how they acted, and how they behaved. And for instance, just like I said, if I had continued with that mentality, and that depression and anxiety and an impulsive, Kim, a month ago, when that had happened, for no one to think about, how could Kim come to this conclusion in her life and live and that journey, and then be courageous enough to share it to the world of my first sexual Foundation, my misdiagnosis of PTSD missed PTSD to mild retardation of six years and resource of bullying and, and taunting and the silent cry, and then having a child at 15. And if this is the type of, if I wore that, what I felt at that funeral that no one cared for my birth mother to my paternal uncle, that was in it, he knew me, he knew that, you know, he, you know, he had a relationship with, you know, my mom, my mom, his sister, so he knew he was in and out the house, he, you know, I called him my uncle didn’t you know, so it’s not like, you know, you did not know me, but for you to act and to behave and feel my heart was such disappointment and hurt. Had I not invested in me and had God to really start healing the process of not being responsible for what people do and say, I would have went off, I would have went in Andrew. Yeah

Victoria Volk 32:58
I think that’s what happens in a lot of situations.

Kimberly Bell 33:01
And that’s what exactly because all that builds up. And that release hasn’t been able to be dealt with and deal with and accept that. This is just a part of life, we have no control of what people will say do or at, towards us. None. But it all has an impact it but it all has an impact.

Victoria Volk 33:24
And that is the thing we all, every single one of us. Yeah. creates an impact in other people’s lives. Right. And we have the choice. what that impact is, there you go. That’s where personal responsibility. That is. That is owning your feelings. Yes. letting that be okay. But giving people the grace to to have their own feelings.

Kimberly Bell 33:51
Yes. Yeah, absolutely. Right. And not because like you were saying, there’s people that would not been able to take and give up. Totally give up. I’ve been there just give up. Want to give in, wanting to tap out? It’s no way. I mean, I remember that one of the last relationships. I was like, I’m at this age 40 Something my life is no way. I want to start all over again. Why? For what, you know what I mean, just let me tap out. I don’t want to have to even deal with this pain of having to regroup. You know, but it’s so much worse. The best gift I could ever gave myself was giving myself the gift to invest in me to love me.

Victoria Volk 34:42
I just got goosebumps, because that is truly I mean, really what it comes down to right? Is we always seem to look for everybody else to give us what really we may not have ever been taught how to give ourselves. Right. Right Self Love is the best love, right? That’s love.

Kimberly Bell 35:03
Yeah. Yes. And then when you do get that self love that best love that only you can give, I am just so confident with hope and faith that I’ll get that reciprocated. I don’t have to look for it in a calm.

Victoria Volk 35:22
I heard the quote just the other day actually yesterday, in fact, you attract more flies with honey. Right? Be the honey. Yeah. And leave the legacy that is one you are proud of the impact of one that you’re proud of? Yes. And here’s the thing, you know, whether it’s your uncle, whether it’s your mother, your biological mother, or whoever it is, we all bring our perspective in our personal experience and our, our lens of the world to situations and really, that just reveals that he has work to do. And when you have somebody like yourself that can really rub people the raw, you know what I mean? Really, honestly, like that’s the that’s the impact that we that you have, like, once you have gotten to a place where things that ruffled your feathers once upon a time don’t anymore. It people take notice of that and like in their energy bumps into your energy and their energy is like, well, aren’t you high and mighty? Or aren’t you don’t really mean like people? Can they interpret that as either indifference or Pollyanna or better than, you know, people can interpret those interpret that however, and that’s not your responsibility?

Kimberly Bell 35:24
Exactly Yes, exactly. What my responsibility is only, like you were saying, I love that word, only my own aura, my own love for me. My own confidence in me my own self worth in me, you know, only my own peace. I fight hard for it. So why don’t I fight? Hard to keep it? I do. And, you know, it’s just the process that I worked on me to get there, too, you know,

Victoria Volk 37:30
And I bet you feel empowered? I do. I don’t it’s disempowering to give that away. And either, right?

Kimberly Bell 37:37
Yes, I do. One of I did ended up. It was so therapeutic to, I did write a tribute. And that’s on my website, I wrote a tribute to my mom. And it just so happened, my birth mom had to read it, mind you. I wasn’t on the program. And I wasn’t able to do anything at the funeral. But she was in the program to do the obituary reading. And all the knowledge was in the cards. So I had to give my daughter had to give her whoever was on the program to do that. The tripping. And it just so happened to get in her hands.

Victoria Volk 38:12
Well, isn’t that full circle?

Kimberly Bell 38:13
Exactly so but getting back to the tribute, I remember it, you know, you just you just did a light bulb that came out when I was writing this. And I had a statement that was in the tribute that I said to her you know, I remember getting in the bathtub, you know, she she was one of the best scrub the back scrubbers ever because she was you know, she’s so old school. So I’m gonna scrub the bark off your back. But I don’t mean to be so heavy handed. But it felt so good. Because, you know, it was just like my little poor but but she said a phrase I never forget when I put that in the tribute She said your little frail, timid, timid Thank you are, you’re just a little frail to the thick and, you know, as I’m writing this is still so therapeutic. I’m laughing as I’m writing it. And I said it wasn’t for you and daddy bill because that’s what I called them. i What how you are raised me now has turned out to be the strongest and the courageous person in the world. So see how that we how that the you know, the investment. And as you said, until I started only that, even though I’m not responsible for how it affects anybody else. My silence or you know, my lack of silence my you know, my voice and my truth is regardless whether it you know, rubs anybody so one way is that I am so glad and it’s just such a blessing that an investment has taken into my life through experiences and through people that has raised me and that has loved me loved me their way But love me that I am able to, as you said, Now feel empowered. And I am not that frail, timid person, but it was because of those two that started that investment in me. So yeah.

Victoria Volk 40:17
And I think too, like when we’re talking to other family, or we’re talking to people, or we’re sharing our voice, as long as you’re sticking to how you felt in that moment, or how you felt at that time, or, you know, basic, you’re really just sharing your story of it. Right? People can argue that, right? There’s no argument there. Right? You know,

Kimberly Bell 40:41
I never in this crazy because none no one. Now my sister got a copy, you know, she she’s said, you know, she loved me, you know, she never, you know, spoke in details about the about the book, but no one from the family that have made me feel that they were kind of rubbed the wrong way for me exposing my true for whatever, have came to me and, and asked for me to explain anything. Like I said, they’re in that generation, where, you know, that’s how you felt. That’s how you felt. But my thing is, I’m ready. And I’m determined. And this is what I had been doing from 15 is breaking the generational curse, even with my minor. She gets upset and I said, mine. Yeah. Are you sad? Are you angry, that was never talked about or heard of, when I was growing up, you do not tell you do not even act like you’re mad or angry. First of all, in the Bible, it said, you know, they were very strict about the Bible, you don’t get angry, you don’t. And you know, you get mad, you know, mad at, you know, pretty much as a sin, you know, violence or whatever. But that emotion part point was definitely put on the back burner. Because as a child or as a child, you’re not taught that emotions are real. And they are valid, you know. And so I have clearly took a stand against that and gave my children that nugget that it is okay to be sad, it’s okay to be disappointed. It’s okay. And it’s okay to talk about it as you were talking about, and it’s okay to share. And, um, how you feel even with me, sometimes I even have to come because now I’m adult, I’m loving and mothering adult children, and, and a minor, which is quite different. But I remember even saying to my son, we had gotten in a little conversation and it didn’t, didn’t go too well that I had to come back to him and let him know that, you know, I apologize if I said it wrong, where you didn’t understand where I was coming from. And it really made you feel the way you felt. But this is what I met. And then I concluded with him by saying this, Emanuel, and this is my adult son, my only only once one son. I said, besides me being your mother, understand, I am also a woman that I’m not perfect. I’m still treading this process. And I make mistakes too. But I’m also a woman, not just her mother, you know? Yeah. So it’s breaking that generational curse where you know, the communication. It’s like you said, it’s okay. I tell you, No, I’m, I’m 47 years old and saying to even myself, it’s okay to not be okay to that. Just before my mother passed away, I had to celebrate. And it was crazy, because this year, and he died in 97. When my adopted dad’s birthday came up. That was in March. I’m looking at his Bible and he has an I have his little obituary in the Bible when that day came. And I was just, I was just like, not a good day.

Kimberly Bell 44:14
I need a minute. I need a day I need from and I’m gonna give myself guess what Kim I’m giving myself permission to be sad. Just today for a few hours and think about if he was here, how he would have been proud of me how I would have been able to say, you know, daddy, Bill, look at this or, you know, he wasn’t able to see the youngest video and and hear him saying Kimmy, but it’s gonna be alright. It’s gonna be alright, you got this. It’s gonna be okay, you know? And I just kept you know, the tears just kept rolling. And I was like, I’m gonna give myself the time to cry. And it was just like, because so much had happened over the year and here the book and here March was his birthday, that I gave myself permission and being okay to celebrate my way, mourn my way. And like I said, I’m breaking that generation generational generational curses were growing up from an denominational church and religion was our main, our top umbrella is that you leave a lot of emotions and you trust God and you pray and you fast and you, you know, speak in tongues, and God is, God is the healer of all. And when go to outside sources, no, you know, which it’s not that way. It’s not that way all the time, I have felt so much love, throughout this whole year, that from people that doesn’t even look like me inspiring and telling my story, and it’s been healing, it’s been therapeutic for me, because I’m receiving, especially especially, I’m receiving what has already been given and created for me. And that is that unconditional love that love that once we talked about earlier that I didn’t have to buy, that I didn’t have to be not nothing but Kim. And they’re receiving and saying I’m supporting, you know what I mean, I’m not getting, I didn’t get it from all my family members. You know, I got it from my, you know, my, my, all my immediate, you know, my children, but I’m just giving a point where to listeners that it may not even come from what you, you were where you would want it to come from, or even look like you. But embrace it, I had to learn to embrace it. And I’m telling you, this has been I have had so many sisters, you know, and been on interviews and podcasts male and female that has poured their love out and support that I felt it, I didn’t hate it, you know, and I’m just like, you know, this is what life is all about, you know, loved us definitely doesn’t have a color, and it doesn’t have a gender. But it is created for us to receive. were created in love and it is for us to receive and I’m just so happy that I’m able to express that and inspire to someone that um, don’t shortchange yourself, don’t cut it off, because it doesn’t look like you, it doesn’t feel like it should come from there. Because that’s just not the way life is. That’s just not the way like this.

Victoria Volk 47:33
I love to all of that so much. I have this thought, recently, actually, like when you have a challenging situation, and I did not that long ago. And I thought to myself, What would love do, you know, we can still have boundaries, we can still act from a place of love. We can share our voice and our feelings from a place of love and compassion. And with grace, right? And I’m curious if as a child, you were like, do you look at yourself as a Do you consider yourself as a highly sensitive person? Yeah, so I am too. And I, my childhood did not make sense until probably three years ago. And so when you were talking about, you know, these big feelings as a kid and having these big feelings, and I think that’s where sometimes like, I don’t think my mom either knew what to do with my big feelings. You know, so it was no, you’re not going to cry. If you want to cry, I’ll give you something to cry about. So I’d go under my bed to cry or I’d go in the linen closet to cry. You know, I just never expressed or shared myself. I didn’t have the safety and the freedom to do that. Right. And, but I am curious. And I was going to ask this after we were done recording but I’m just going to ask this. When what was was your dad’s birthday? Dad Bill, you said March.

Kimberly Bell 49:01
Yeah, March. Yeah, no, listen, March. Hold on. Let me get my calendar. But March is that crazy weather right?

Victoria Volk 49:12
Yeah, it’s like that in between

Kimberly Bell 49:14
Where it does it you know, the you never know whether it will comes

Victoria Volk 49:20
Comes in like a lion goes out like a lion at first. Yep. I was just because I’m not sure what the changes in the astrology but I was gonna say if he’s a Pisces. I’m a Pisces. He gets the feelings piece. And that’s probably what he was bringing into his relationship with you. Yeah, it’s that the deep feeling of a Pisces?

Kimberly Bell 49:46
Yeah, I’m so glad and her birthday and her birthday is in June. But I’m so glad that he he said that balance of the feelings. He said that balance and so the feeling is they We’re gonna get when I was probably eight or nine. I know I was young. Of course I’m my skin is a lot darker than them. And they would my, my biological well my adopted mom would say, you don’t look like us now in which was true, but she wasn’t intentionally saying things to hurt me but this these are things like like I said back in a generational, they they felt like children or children were you could say whatever and they didn’t know they don’t absorb things as a sponge. But she said, you know you don’t look like us and they were they their their color was much lighter than mine. But this is you don’t look like us. But you’re ours. You know, you’re you’re you’re a girl, you know, you belong to us. And you might have the bigger nose, you might have the gloves, but so I started not liking my features. But I remember like, it was yesterday. My dad sensed a feeling over me once she said it. That depressed. My look of myself. Now I’m not I’m a child. I’m young. I’m not even a teenager. But he says that, where he stopped me one day because I don’t know what how I was moving around or whatever. But he stopped me one day he said, Kimmy, is that I want you to know something. He said the world needs your smile. You have a beautiful smile. He said stop covering yourself. Do you smile for Daddy never never, never brought up what she said about my features or whatever. But she ballots when he said that? I never forgot. And I put that in my in my head along with what she said. And let me tell you something, that ballots helped me find some peace and build on my self esteem from that comment that he said that embed into my spirit. Yeah. So it’s very tempting, isn’t it? Very nice.

Victoria Volk 52:11
Something once one simple,

Kimberly Bell 52:13
One comment. Yeah, comment. Now. Now. Now here this I didn’t forget about what my mother said. But if it had not if he had never said that comment about my smile, I would probably been, you know, had to deal with so many more issues of my physical attributes that I call beautiful attributes now. Yeah. So Yeah.

Victoria Volk 52:35
Sounds like he was a very intuitive man. Yes. Is there anything else that you would like to share?

Kimberly Bell 52:44
What comes to mind, I have believe it’s eight or I believe is eight affirmations that I thought of that. It’s on my website that you can download for free. But one of them has come to mind as I kept talking to you is that I have learned to do and consistently try to remember not to do is to expect to see the me and other people. I’m just uniquely created the way I am. And I’m owning, you know, given the biggest gift of me have invested in me but not expected and not seen the me and other people not being responsible for it either.

Victoria Volk 53:25
It’s beautiful. One question. What would you say grief has taught you your grief has taught you?

Kimberly Bell 53:34
You can find strength in it. You’ll find strength in it. If you allow yourself to choose, you’ll find strength and

Victoria Volk 53:43
If you choose Yes, and it really does truly come down to choice. Yeah. So where can people find you if they’d like to connect with you and find their find your book?

Kimberly Bell 53:53
Okay, well, I have a Facebook Kimberly Bell and I’m on Instagram, Kimberly bell at Crimson Kimberly Bell and I have this website that is just truly my baby. I love it. I have such an awesome team and your website. Yes, the website is www.kimberlyannebell. Kimberly anvil, Kimberly anvil and with the E though.com. And you’ll see the book right there the memoir of the epitome of Kimmy the memoir, accept and embrace it all. And I the book is found on Amazon and good reads and you can contact me off the website. A speaker I travel I also do mentoring sessions. One of the mentoring sessions is titled accept and embrace it all. And another one is balance beam of life. So I’m just I’m just so excited about the season in my life. So

Victoria Volk 54:53
I love it. I bet your kids are very proud of you too.

Kimberly Bell 54:56
They are and I proud of them. I keep saying you guys rock because you guys rock I rock

Victoria Volk 55:03
But you know, it’s like, don’t you feel just so much more at peace as a parent to just take comfort in knowing that you are breaking the chains and this the cycle of because I think what I wanted to say too is you what you did was you challenge the beliefs, and you know, the beliefs that you were born into whether they were self limiting beliefs or whether it was beliefs passed down to you. But it’s when we challenge those beliefs that we find our own truth. Yes. So thank you for sharing your truth today.

Kimberly Bell 55:36
Thank you for allowing me to share. Thank you for so much for your platform. Thank you.

Victoria Volk 55:43
And I’ll put all the links in the show notes. So look there if you want to connect with Kim, Kimmy, Kimberly, what do you prefer? Is by Kim All right, so And remember, when you unleash your hearts, you unleash your life. Much love

Ep 118 | How to Grieve

Takeaways & Reflections | How To Grieve

 

SHOW NOTES SUMMARY: 

People say you have to move on or that you should “be over it by now.” However, no one tells you or shows you how to do it.

For me, after struggling to get beyond the pain of my trauma and losses for 30+ years, the Grief Recovery Method was the how.

Naysayers and doubters are welcome. 🤗 I was a skeptic, too. How could a process or method help me move on from the pain after sitting in it for 30+ years?

I went into it with some doubt, convinced I would, at the very least, learn new tools, knowledge, and information I could use to help others. However, what I got was so much more. The program and my experience through it (albeit emotionally challenging and, at times, draining) exceeded my expectations.

In this week’s episode, I explore the phrase “How To Grieve…” We all find our way through the messiness of life and the grief that comes with it. However, what if there was an evidence-based process that cuts through the crap, gets to the heart of the story of what happened (the emotion and what’s emotionally incomplete as a result), and brings with it peace within at the end of it. What would that experience be worth to you? Furthermore, what is doing nothing, or what you’ve always done, costing you?

RESOURCES:

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If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.

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Short-Term Energy Relieving Behaviors

Many years ago I started creating my own blend with TEECCINO and if you haven’t heard of TEECCINO it is good for you stuff in there. It’s figs and chicory and basically the thing I think chicory root is what gives coffee its flavor. And that’s in Ticino but there’s, it’s kind of it’s an herbal coffee basically. And it’s got prebiotic. They also have teas. But anyway, I’ve been drinking this for years. And it helps to lower the acidity of regular coffee and it doesn’t give me the jitters like too much caffeine straight coffee would like I have now because I actually met a friend for lunch and just had too much straight black coffee. So anyway, that’s my tangent on coffee but I can tie that in grief because you know just like alcohol I suppose great that coffee can be a STERB for people, short-term energy-relieving behavior, right? Or we might indulge in a daily real sugary coffee drink to feel better if we’re having a bad day whether we reach for an alcoholic beverage or something sugary coffee drink that can be a STERB it can be something that you feel like you need to feel better at that moment. So I can tie everything to grief but I just remember a time to where my mom was struggling she would sit at the cot at the kitchen table and she would be drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes one after the other.

How to Grieve

Today I want to talk about how to grieve. And I actually Googled it. And it’s interesting what comes up and at the top of it, the search comes Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services. S.A. M. H. S. A ‘s national helpline was created for family members of people with alcohol abuse or drug abuse problems. I find that interesting that when I search how to grieve that that’s the first thing that pops up at the top. And I’ll say that if you are struggling with substance use problems, or you have in the past or someone you know or love is, it’s likely that grief is at the root of that. I’ll just leave that there. But here are some other things that come up. Helpguide.org – has a post titled coping with grief and loss. It’s a helpful guide. WebMD – What is normal grieving? And what are the stages of grief?

I’ve talked about Stages of Grief on this podcast before in fact, Ken Ross, the son of Elisabeth Kubler Ross, who developed these five stages, which was about people who are struggling with their own terminal illness diagnosis was on the podcast a while back. University of Washington healthy grieving, Counseling Center grief is in the first line here says “grief is a normal and natural response to loss”. That is what we share in Grief Recovery. Betterup.com has a blog post on how to process grief and find healthy ways to overcome loss And npr.org  grief for beginners: five things to know about processing loss. So this one had me curious, and I clicked on it. And there is one part in particular that caught my attention and talked about if, after a year, you feel stuck, you could be moving into what’s called quotations complicated grief. And I just find that unhelpful to label any phase of grief.

Complicated Grief

Complicated grief – is acute grief that interferes with daily function more than a year later.

And my thing is, when I think about that, and read that as if the year prior was uncomplicated, right, it’s as if the first year is not complicated, right? And it’s like, I think that has to be the most complicating gear because you’re thrown into it, right? You’re it’s like, you feel like you’re in a small fishing boat out on the sea, and there’s a storm, right, you just feel like you’re being whipped each way and not knowing which way is up and it rocks your world, you are thrown completely off kilter when you know a big loss occurs, and doesn’t have to be a big loss, either. I mean, that’s the thing. It’s like you can have a hope or a dream, completely be taken away by something that happens where your dream will not be realized. Because something that occurred that makes that impossible.

And people might say, well, “nothing’s impossible” Well, for instance, my son wanted to join the Marines. And he had an accident that completely severed his pancreas. And that is impossible. He cannot join the military. He has a severed pancreas. So that is an impossible dream. That’s grief as well. It’s a loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations is grief. To say that there’s a complicated phase of grief, I just feel like it’s all complicated. And I feel like too, this part that says “acute grief that interferes with daily function more than a year later” so if it’s after a year, and you’re still having these issues, it’s still just grief. And I don’t mean just, it’s still grief period.

Fooling Ourselves and Believing We Are Fine

And I think we fool ourselves into believing or thinking that we are fine. And so we go about out our daily lives, let’s say 23456 years into grief after a loss or after a dream is shattered, go about our lives. And we think we’re fine. If people ask you “Hey how are you doing? And you say I’m fine. In Grief Recovery, we say fine as feelings inside not expressed. So if we haven’t addressed emotionally, what happened in the past, it’s always going to be there, it’s always going to show up, whenever we get our feathers to get ruffled by someone else, whether we’re trying to make a living, starting a new business, whether we become parents for the first time, or maybe first time to teenagers, because trust me, I’m in the trenches of that. And it is no joke. Our grief grows with us. 

I think we’re fooling ourselves into this narrative that we are fine. And we put on this front, that we are fine. When really, it’s impacting every area of our lives, but we don’t connect the dots, we don’t see the repetitive behaviors or the beliefs that we have about our grief, or our story of what happened or about our past.

If we haven’t found a resolution to that if we’re continually searching for meaning to what happened, looking for the answer as to why like Why me, like if we’re always looking for that, or we’re looking to someone else to fill that gap, we haven’t addressed our grief. But we fool ourselves by believing we have because things might be going well for a time. But as soon as that next loss comes, or as soon as someone says something that just really pains us or hurts us, we’re pulled back in time. And if that happens, then you have unresolved grief. There’s something coming up there to be sat with. And if we don’t sit with it, or we sit with it and then we stay there. That’s not good, either. One of the suggestions and I 100% agree with this, is you want to keep moving between feeling the grief, feeling the sadness, and feeling the pain to restoration. It’s feeling it’s ping-ponging, as this article says between the two and as long as you’re doing that, you are moving forward.

Move Forward with your Grief

One of my podcast guests here on the show, had said one time and I’ve never forgotten it, it’s really stuck with me. I’ve used her phrase many times, and I give her full credit. And she says “when you lay you decay”. She herself had gone through Grief Recovery. And it changed her grief, it transformed her grief for her. And it is true when we lay we decay. And so if we’re not constantly moving that constant, I hate to say that. And if we are not in motion with our grief, then it’s probably overtaking us. It’s filtering into all areas of our lives. Or not working through it and processing it or not digesting it.

Ram Dass shared, he had a coach or someone he had been working with who has a program that talks about emotional constipation. And we become emotionally constipated in our grief if we just sit with it way too long as if we’re wallowing in it. And that’s healthy for a time. It is healthy to sit with it. But if you’re not coming to that restorative aspect of it, if it’s not something that’s propelling you, okay? I’m feeling this way at this moment, today is not a good day, you know, it could be an anniversary, the anniversary of the person’s death or the anniversary, your life together that you started, maybe it’s your wedding anniversary, or their birthday, you know, we have these special days that we share with people. And when those come around, and that person is no longer here, those are really difficult days, and rightfully so that person’s not here, there’s a void, but we can’t fill that void with other things or other people ever. But to sit in that gap, to stay in the gap is not moving us forward either doesn’t move us forward.

It can be the thing that propels us. I think we just, as they say, people who are struggling with substance abuse disorders might have their rock bottom. I think, for me, I had a rock bottom with my grief. And I think we all get to that point, eventually, where there’s just only so much you can take emotionally, that was true for me. And I was pretty slow to the party. It took me almost till I was 40 to come to the party. To realize that my potential was suffering there was more cost to me not addressing my grief than I realized I had the cost of my potential, I had the cost of my ability to make money. I had, and it was costing me the ability to be the best parent I could be. It was costing me real relationships, and friendships. Because I took things to heart. I thought people were out to get me. I just analyze things to death. I spun my wheels on things that really didn’t matter.

Grief is Always There

So many different aspects of my life were costing me by not addressing my grief by not facing it head-on. I feel like I’m facing it head on every single day, I look in the mirror and it’s right there staring right back at me. We are facing it every single day of our lives. Grief is always there. It’s always staring back at us. But we can choose how we perceive it in our lives. And I think that the shift that happened for me is I sought to change how I perceived my experiences, and how I felt about my experiences, I had to shift my perspective of my own story. It’s really hard to do by yourself.

My dear friend Patsy says all the time, she’s been a guest on this podcast, too. “You can’t see the label from inside the jar” Just like every single guest Martika Whylly, Reid Peterson, Phil Cohen, every single one of them sought support and sought help. And so it doesn’t matter how you go about doing that, when you go about doing that. But I will say it’s never too late. And it’s never too soon.

Do I wish I would have come to that awareness in my 30s? The answer is yes, I do wish I would have come to that awareness before I had kids. I would have been a very different parent. I guarantee that. It’s so important that we learn how to grieve. Nobody knows how. We don’t come out of the womb knowing how to grieve but yes, we do. Yes, we do. Because as young children (under 3 years old)  we 1,000% express ourselves authentically. We know how to express ourselves. We cry, we throw tantrums. That is part of the growth. That is part of the development. Before we have words and language, we have the ability to emotionally express ourselves. But the world around us shuts us down. Nope, your anger is not welcome here. Your tantrum is not welcome here, you’re crying is not welcome here. You want to cry, I’ll give you something to cry about. You want to be angry, go to your room.

Emotional Expression

As a society, we have not learned that emotional expression is a part of growth is healthy. And that there are positive ways that we can do so. And we aren’t taught those positive ways that we aren’t taught that all feelings and emotions are valid, that anger is valid. So if you’re like me and you stuffed your anger, it’s almost like you get to begin to get canker sores, you know, bite your tongue. It cankers sores or, or whatever you’re going through Emotionally, it for me, it shows up as canker sores, I get stressed, I get a canker sore. That, that’s how stress manifests in my body. For some people, it might be increased blood pressure or heart disease.

We have enough stuff that happens to us traumatic experiences or just life itself, the pressures of you know, just being a human being in a relationship with people brings up a lot of stuff. And if we’re not emotionally, working towards becoming emotionally intelligent, and understanding and knowing ourselves, then half the battle is just knowing ourselves. Which grief makes really difficult. That makes grief makes that a difficult task. And knowing and understanding ourselves, especially if you were a child griever. And you’ve grown up with your grief. It takes a lot of skill and learning and education and trial and error to really kind of discern what you need and when you need it. When you grew up with grief.

Virgin River Show

I’ve been watching the show on Netflix called Virgin River. And I actually finished all the seasons. I finished watching and I thought, What is the theme or what is like the similarities with all of these characters, for the most part, they’re all emotionally intelligent people like the characters are written as being emotionally intelligent, expressive with their emotions honest about how they feel. And I’m just thinking, gosh, imagine if everybody talked this way. Imagine if society really was this emotionally intelligent. And I’m thinking this is not real life. This is not how society really actually is. But I spring this up because I think that you can learn a lot through the stories and how the show is written. And how the characters speak to one another. And dealing with situations I found it fascinating how grief is a real central theme of the show and how the show has been written, the characters have almost been written around the aspect of grief and challenging situations, and although a lot of the situations aren’t like, like a typical day to day life.

Grief Recovery Changed Many Lives

I think there’s a lot to learn in just how we communicate with each other, openly and honestly. And that’s really what Grief Recovery is all about, too. It’s learning new communication and finding the language. And expressing how we feel with this about this new language.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. But there is a way and people say you have to move on, people say you should just be over it by now. But no one really tells you how. And for me personally, I found the how with Grief Recovery. And that’s why I’m so passionate about it. It’s changed my life. It’s changed countless other people’s lives. And perhaps it could work for you as well. We don’t know what we don’t know. And when we’ve tried everything else, what else do we have to lose? A lot, actually. Because every year that passes, our grief is costing us the pain of our grief is costing us. And so there is a way to move beyond the pain of grief will always have sadness, no doubt. But it’s the pain that is really what is perpetuating the behaviors and the patterns and our beliefs that keep us from creating the change we desire, learning new tools, new skills, new knowledge, and with action. Because knowledge without action is just knowledge. This program is all about empowering you and taking action. And that’s a beautiful thing.

much love, victoria

P.S. At the end of November, I will be launching an online group program. And if you’re interested, stay tuned to upcoming episodes, takeaways, and reflections, I’ll probably put in updates and things on that. But if you’d like to stay in the loop on those on that program coming up, then I invite you to go into the show notes. And I have a link to my bi-weekly newsletter called The unleashed letters, where I share content not shared anywhere else, I get a little bit more personal there. And I share business updates there too. So I recommend that if you’re interested in learning more about the online group program coming up be sure to subscribe to The Unleashed Letters or listen to my upcoming takeaways and reflections episodes.

 

Ep 117 | Phil Cohen

Phil Cohen | The Pursuit of Healing After an Ocean of Tears

 

SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:

They say it’s unnatural to lose a child. And, there’s no word for a parent who has lost a child other than griever, which somehow doesn’t embody all a parent experiences—much less childless parents.

What is a word for a parent whose only child dies?

As it turns out, there’s maybe only one that might describe that inconsolable feeling – lost.

Phil found himself lost in an ocean of tears after his only son, Perry, 14 1/2 years old, and his friend became victims of a storm that came out of nowhere while fishing on their 19′ fishing boat off the Jupiter inlet in Jupiter, Florida. It was a beautiful summer day that turned treacherous on July 24th, 2015, and it was a day that changed the trajectory of Phil’s life forever, as grief does.

The waves and tides of the ocean are often an analogy used for grief. There is irony in Phil’s story of how he lost his only son, never to be found. However, what Phil did find was his voice, a calling in his pain, and lessons in the heartache along the way.

Phil lives his life as if it were a love letter, continually being written to his beloved and only son. Although it’s a letter, he would rather not be (metaphorically) writing, and he would change that day if he could, knowing that healing is the only thing he can do about it.

Phil has chosen to listen to his son’s voice, which he believes he heard one night while crying alone: “Get up, dad!”

May this episode inspire others, especially if you’ve lost a child, to come to terms with what happened and what you cannot change, and dare to GET UP and do something about it now.

RESOURCES:

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If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are HERE.

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CONNECT WITH VICTORIA: 

 

Victoria Volk 0:00
Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. Today, my guest is Phil Cohen. He is a keynote TEDx speaker, grief coach and creator of the grief continuum, a framework for helping others grow, flourish and overcome despair by discovering and developing their inner resilience. for over 25 years, Phil has helped global technology startups grow and prosper through developing their sales teams. After experiencing the sudden loss of his son, Phil has found a renewed purpose in helping others to integrate grief into their own lives after experiencing the inevitable traumas, tragedies and transitions in life. Thank you so much for being my guest, Phil.

Phil Cohen 0:44
Yeah. Thank you for having me, Victoria. It’s a pleasure to be here.

Victoria Volk 0:50
So let’s start with you call yourself is your business the grief guy? Is that accurate?

Phil Cohen 0:57
Yes. Does that mean either just Phil Cohen or the grief guy. And you know, the reason why I did that is that I found that the vast majority of people that I’m working with are men. And it’s been my experience through everything that I’ve gone through, that men have no idea or they’re, they’re really not educated on how to grieve properly. So they’ll push it down, they’ll run away from it. And especially those men who have lost a child, as a society, we have a tendency to flock around the mothers, which I totally, totally get. And dad just wants to be strong for his wife and his family. And he really doesn’t get a chance to be heard. So I just named my business to grief guy really just to, in an effort maybe to attract more men?

Victoria Volk 1:46
Do you find that a lot of the work that you’re dealing with these men do you do actually do dig into their childhood experiences with grief and trauma too? Does a lot of that come up? Or is it mostly just current grief experiences that they’re having? They find that.

Phil Cohen 2:02
It always starts sorry to interrupt the dad always starts with the current experience. That’s where the jump off point is, and eventually inevitably gets into other parts of their life. So it’s kind of like, it starts out and grief coach, and then maybe more of like a life and business coach at the same time. That, you know, I found that a lot of men or even some of the women that I work with, they want to do something with what they’ve learned and what they’ve been through. So whether it’s be I get a lot of questions about how did you get your TEDx? What did you do? What processes did you go through the process of writing a book and people ask me, Well, how can I do that? Do I have to Self Publish? How do I start? So it’s not only working through the emotional aspect, it’s also helping them do something with what they’ve learned through their grief.

Victoria Volk 2:53
And when did this this all started because of your own loss and your experience? And so can you take us back into time and share what your loss has been? And the impact it’s had?

Phil Cohen 3:07
Sure. So on July 24 2015, and if you were ever if you’re anywhere on the East Coast, especially Florida, you likely remember the story. My son and his close friend were last seen leaving the Jupiter inlet on a 19 foot fishing boat. There was a really bad storm, one of those storms that South Florida storms that come out of nowhere, that was 40 mile an hour winds, heavy rains. We tried to reach the boys via their cell phones and after an unsuccessful attempts at that the Coast Guard was notified. And I haven’t confirmed this but I was told that it was the most extensive search in the history of the United States Coast Guard that lasted seven excruciating days if if you live I live in California now in San Diego, so on the other coast, and people go miss all the time. You know, paddleboarders people on sailboats. Generally they’ll look for a week I’m sorry, like a day, maybe a half a day, but to be continuing looking for a week and all the assets that were used. You know, it was it was a really long search. Unfortunately, neither of the boys were ever found. And although I’ve been through all of the reports, and there was the Coast Guard report, the FWC see report that’s Florida, wildlife. FBI was involved and we hired private searches as well. I don’t know for sure exactly what happened, but I’m pretty sure they got caught in a storm there. I know that their motor seized and likely flipped over in that storm. Then I’d like to think that they perish quickly, but we don’t know for sure.

Victoria Volk 4:52
Was the boat ever found.

Phil Cohen 4:55
The boat was lost and found three times for good or not. So the boys went missing on a Friday. On Sunday, they found the boat off the coast of Ponce de Leon from Florida, so many, many miles north, a guy who got into the jet stream and started to head north than what the Coast Guard will do is they’ll basically reverse engineer the currents to determine where the boat, you know where the boats started from. So what they said that they did was that they threw in a marker buoy, because they found it with a helicopter. And they couldn’t obviously, I’m sorry, it was initially one of their planes. So they dropped a marker buoy that would basically stay with the boat. But unfortunately, somehow it didn’t. Then several months later, water taxi, spotted the boat, and they went back to go to go get the right equipment to pull the boat in. And then when they when they went back for it, they couldn’t find it. And then about a year and a half later, there was a Norwegian shipping container that eventually found the boat and pulled it up onto onto, onto its, I forgot what you call the platform of that boat. But so we eventually did find the boat. And believe it or not, one of the crazy things about that was the mom my son’s friend’s cell phone, his iPhone was found in a watertight compartment inside the boat. We sent the phone to Apple to get some data off the phone, but any possible data because I really thought okay, now I’m gonna be able to fill in some of the missing pieces of exactly where they were, maybe some of the texts or phone calls that were made. But Apple was never able to retrieve any information off the phone. So, you know, there’s still a lot of missing pieces to it. But the boat was eventually found.

Victoria Volk 6:49
Was it in good condition? Like it was still good condition or just pretty?

Phil Cohen 6:54
No, no, it was very deteriorated. I mean, the the phone was actually in decent condition. But the boat was there was just mainly just a hall, the center console, I basically dropped off, and a lot of the other pieces have basically dropped off. There are there are photos of it. If you Google, Perry Cohen, who’s my son, you’ll you’ll see, you’ll see that pictures of the boat, and the vessel that attempted to pick it up or did pick it up. But it was crazy. The the captain of that boat said that his wife was on there with his wife and his wife said, let’s go out and get some fresh air. And he said, If he didn’t go out at that exact moment, and look in the direction exactly where he looked, he would have never spotted the bow because it had a black hole. So it was almost like, you know, a bow wanted to be found.

Victoria Volk 7:49
Wow. So what was life? Like? In the weeks following? And after and months? What was that? Like?

Phil Cohen 7:58
You know, people asked me that question quite a bit. And it’s, it’s like almost impossible to put into words what that feeling is like, Perry was my only child. So you know, and prior to that, I’d always consider myself blessed. Because I’d never been I still do consider myself blessed. But I’d never lost anybody that I loved. So to all of a sudden lose the most precious person in my life was a real blow to me, I didn’t know what to do, I’d say in terms of feeling. It felt like somebody just scooped out the entire middle of my body. Like there was nothing in the center part of my body, but it still hurt a lot. And you know, there’s there’s no preparation or training or, you know, for something like that. So I really, I had no idea what I was supposed to do. So I just, I just broke down. Really I broke down and stay I stayed hidden for quite some time just in a dark room on the floor crying trying to figure out asking, asking why, why me? Definitely had my, you know, my wrestling with God moment for sure that especially as a Christian going into this, I remember thinking, God, you know, the words that you used, and could have said anything to tell the world how much he loves the US. But the words he chose to use was I love the world so much that I gave my only begotten Son. And yet you took my and so it was definitely shook my faith for a little bit. But I’m so thankful for the foundation of faith that I had in place going into this. Because otherwise, I really don’t know where I would be.

Victoria Volk 9:57
What did healing look like for you?

Phil Cohen 10:01
Healing? Well, you know, like I said, we in our pre interview, I didn’t know, really what I was supposed to do, really, I didn’t know, do I see a therapist? Or what? What kind of therapist? How do I find a good therapist. So I actually Googled how to grieve, because I knew that doing nothing wasn’t going to be the right thing. And I really wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do. And if you google anything around grief, you’re gonna find the five stages of grief. And for me, you know, denial, anger, bargaining depression, when I saw that, it felt like I was doing something wrong, because I had an experienced grief in those stages, or in those ways. So the ultimate healing came from me is from a couple of things, one talking to people, I did go see a therapist. And that was very helpful, both talk therapy and EMDR therapy. But the biggest moment for me was, in one of those moments, when I found myself on the floor curled up in a ball. I saw my son and may people ask me, Did you really see him? I’m not sure. You know, maybe it’s been so similar to yours, but I definitely heard it. And he said, Get up, dad. It’s okay. I’ll see you when you get here. But the way that he said, Get up dad was like, enough already, like you cried, you know, you’ve gone through this, you’ve been doing this for a year and a half. Get up live your life with passion, like you’ve always told me to do. And I’ll see when you get here. And that, at that moment was was a transitional point for me, because I was always focused on myself. You know, I was focused on my own pain, my own shame and worthlessness and guilt. And it wasn’t, it was the moment when I stopped asking myself why me, too, you know, what can I do about this now, that things really began to shift for me? And hearing those words, let it just let me know that my son didn’t want to see me in that state. It’s not the way he’d want me to live my life. So when I talked to people about this, they’ll say, Well, it’s like, he gave you permission. But I feel like, you know, I gave myself permission, he just told me like, just enough already. And when I finally gave myself permission to let go of the worthlessness and the shame and the guilt, I started taking posted notes, and I placed them, you know, my car and my bathroom mirror or my refrigerator, and I’d write things like, I’d give myself permission to heal. And from that moment on, it was a real shift for me, because I started, stopped thinking about myself and started thinking about, Okay, well, what can I do about this now?

Victoria Volk 12:59
Growing up, you said that your son’s that this loss of your son was the first loss that you experienced. So growing up, you didn’t have any losses and grief wasn’t really a topic of conversation in your home?

Phil Cohen 13:14
Yeah, no. So my both my my mom’s parents were gone. Before I was born. My father’s mother was gone before I was born. I did lose my grandfather, but we weren’t very close. So you know, although that was probably my first experience with a direct family member. You know, it wasn’t the extreme amounts of pain that you feel from somebody that you spend every day with, or you see often or a brother or sister. So it’s not that we avoided the discussion, it just it nothing traumatic like that ever happened.

Victoria Volk 13:54
I’m curious if you ever thought because in grief isn’t just about death of a loved one, it can be the loss of a dream, or it really is to the loss of hopes, dreams and expectations, and anything that we wish would have been different and better or more, that can be for relationships with those living, and it can be with your career, or all sorts of things. Did you ever consider or think about, like the loss of not having grandparents really in your life? You said your grandpa was in your life, but you weren’t real close? So I mean, I just think back to my childhood, there’s a picture of me in my classroom. And I it was like Grandparents Day, and I’m looking turning around and on either seat next to me. My classmates both had their grandparent with them. And I was the only kid that didn’t have a grandparent with with them. So did that ever. Was that something that you recognized as a child that you didn’t have your grandparents in your life?

Phil Cohen 14:56
That’s a great question. Yes, you Yes, there definitely were times where I did recognize that I just And don’t get me wrong. I mean, I guess when you when you put it like that I definitely had experienced a lot of grief prior to losing my son. I mean, I’ve lost relationships and, you know, other things that I loved jobs, hopes and dreams, things like that. But none of that. I guess I, I’ve always been fairly resilient, you know, growing up, I just folk say, okay, you know, I’d feel the pain and then immediately ask, Okay, what’s next? What can I do about it? Because if there’s nothing that can be done with the loss of a job, or the loss of a dream, or something like that, you know, then I chose really not to ruminate in it, because a lot of these things like these other decisions, you know, I feel like they do come down to a choice. Yes, we do. We do need to grieve those things and feel the pain. But eventually, we it’s a choice whether we want to live there or not. So, you know, with with everything else prior to losing my son, I felt like I was able to move on fairly quickly. But with my son that was that took me for a big loop, for sure. I’m not sure if I completely answered your question, but I can’t recall ever feeling sad that I didn’t have you know, grandparents, because they’ve always had a lot of friends and a lot of family. So maybe not knowing what I didn’t wasn’t missing, potentially was part of that.

Victoria Volk 16:42
In the work that you do with men, particularly how do you help them discern then if what they’re how they’re approaching their grief is, is resiliency, or if it’s a tendency for not just men, but many of us to be like missed, like, go into the Mr. Fixit role, like I’m gonna fix this, and I’m going to, you know, what, I’m getting a

Phil Cohen 17:11
Yes. And I mean, I think that that’s definitely what you know, as men, we do always go into, you know, what can we do to fix it? And, you know, I, I feel like, yeah, as you said, it’s not just men that do that. The biggest thing is, you know, have they taken the time number one to truly feel the pain, because that’s, that’s one of the biggest things that I feel that most men don’t take the time to do. It’s kind of like holding a beach ball underwater, right? Like, you could do it. And you could do it for a while. But eventually, it’s going to find its way out to the surface. And sometimes the harder we push it down, and the further we push it down, the faster and harder it comes up, you’re not going to avoid it, you’re not going to escape it and you can’t insulate yourself from it, it’s going to have to be addressed at some point. So you know, but most people have a tendency to, to run from it, you know, and there’s a, there’s a, there’s kind of a great metaphor for this, one of my friends was telling me about where he lives in Colorado, near the Rocky Mountains. And I don’t know if you know this, but you know, Colorado is one of the only places where both buffaloes and cows can coexist. And, you know, we all we all have storms right there storms are going to come. But the choice is the choice that we have is, what are we going to do about them? How do we respond to those storms. So and what these two creatures do when this with the storms is quite interesting. Cows, when typically, generally, the storms will come from the West, and head towards these. And cows will when they sense the storm, they will start running east away from the storm. And if you know anything about cows, you know that they’re not very fast. So they want to running with the storm that ultimately maximizing their time, then the pain and the frustration that they have in that store. And I feel like as humans, we often do the same thing, right? We run away from these things that trials, tragedies and transitions as opposed to facing them. Below. buffalos do is quite unique to the animal kingdom. When buffaloes sense the storm coming from the west, they hide behind a ridge and when it rolls over the crest of the mountaintop, they turn and and run through the storm they run at the storm, ultimately minimizing their pain in time and frustration in the storm. And I think it’s just a great metaphor because although we all have storms in our life, it’s just a matter of how what we choose to do when we’re faced with them. And you know, I’m not saying that when a storm comes especially like losing a child, you turn it face it and just run through it. You have to feel that pain And at some point, at some point, you’re you have to make a decision if you want to stay there.

Victoria Volk 20:07
How in that year and you said it was about a year and a half where it was just really difficult and challenging after your son passed? What? How was grief manifesting in your life during that time.

Phil Cohen 20:18
It was a lot of feelings of worthlessness. A lot of feelings of guilt things I wish I could have done differently. Feeling like I wasn’t able to even protect my only son. So you know, what good, am I just tremendous amounts of tears. And because of the fact that everything played out on national news and social media while this search went on, I didn’t really even want to go outside. You know, I wanted to stay inside it. Because I would remember I know, and I recall several times where people were like, pointing and looking at me, and saying, oh, you know, that’s the guy who lost his son at sea. And I remember thinking like, well, what’s a man who lost his son at sea supposed to look like, you know, like, what? Am I supposed to walk around with my head down crying? You know? I didn’t know what to do. I really didn’t. I was completely and utterly lost. Having no idea what my next steps should be.

Victoria Volk 21:28
I can’t imagine it’s, I mean, when we typically have a loss, we don’t have it in the public eye. Right? And so I can’t imagine what that would have felt like to feel like your grief is under scrutiny. Really, you probably felt like, I mean, from what you’ve described, like, you didn’t know, am I doing this wrong? Should I be doing this a different way? Like, it would be very confusing and overwhelming, I’m sure.

Phil Cohen 21:58
I was, and you know, even after even after, you know, hearing those words from my son, I remember thinking, okay, you know, maybe a couple of years, two and a half years later, I, again, didn’t want to post anything on social media. My, I remarried about three years ago, and my, my wife and I took a trip to Italy. And I was, we were enjoying ourselves. But I didn’t even want to post a picture of myself with any type of smile, or showing that I was doing something at a fear of people thinking, like, how could he be having fun? Like, how could he be out living his life, you know, after losing his only child, and just the fear of what other people might think. But, you know, my belief is that we don’t have to stay there, that that is a choice, that is a choice. And I believe that I know, with absolute confidence and conviction that my son would not want me to be in that situation. And I believe that most of the people who’ve lost somebody, the one that they lost would also probably tell them to get up too. So at some point, like I said, it really does become a choice. And then, you know, how do we then take that first step, and then the next and then the next to be able to try to come back to an some semblance of a normal life?

Victoria Volk 23:23
So what did that look like for you processing the guilt? And the shame and the feeling of scrutiny? Like, what did that look like?

Phil Cohen 23:35
What did it look like? You know, a lot of it, a lot of it was internal, you know, a lot of it was my own thoughts. And, and asking myself, you know, is that true? You know, there was, there was nothing that anybody could have done in that moment, you know, other than maybe had locked my son up in a room, you know, which obviously, nobody’s going to do. But so, really, you know, the, the first step for me was a decision to decide, I said, Okay, you know, I don’t want to live my life like this, because if I do, this is not a life worth living, you know, to be just constantly ruminating and thinking about all the things that I could have done differently or ways that maybe I could have stopped it or how maybe some other people made mistakes and things like that. So that was getting me nowhere. So my first my first step was okay, I want to pursue a life of healing. And, and then, you know, to find some way to help other people. And then, you know, I cultivated community, you know, I found people that would support me, and to be there with me and to help me and you can’t go through something like this alone. You can’t you can’t you can’t do it alone. You need somebody there to help you and to pick you up, and not to fix it, just to be there and to listen and to let you cry and to just sit there with you. You know, I did find EMDR therapy helpful, but it didn’t remove all of the pain, you know, wasn’t able to remove and I don’t think the pain will ever fully go away. And, you know, part of like, in the TED, my TED talk I talked about, yes, I did finally reach a point of acceptance and even found some gifts beyond acceptance. But even like, last night, or the night before, my wife and I were watching a movie, I don’t remember the name. It’s with Mark Wahlberg, where his son committed suicide, and he decides to walk across the country, to, you know, talk about bullying. And eventually, I think he gets hit by a truck and he dies. And just going through that watching the movie, I was in tears, I was in tears, because, you know, it makes me sad to kind of go back to some of those moments of losing my son. But all that’s okay. It doesn’t mean that I’m not healing properly or not grieving properly. I think grief is something that, you know, we move back and forth through it’s not, you know, specific actual steps that we go through, even though there are similar stages, I think that we all experience, but there isn’t one route. And I don’t think that there is a place of acceptance, and then we’re done. You know, we always we’re constantly moving back and forth through this forever.

Victoria Volk 26:34
Yeah, it’s an ebb and flow. And I think as we grow and evolve, as does our grief, and in the follow up takeaways and reflections episode, I’ll dig more into that five stages and talk a little bit about that. And so we won’t cover that here. But we did briefly talk about ahead of time, though, that it wasn’t a linear process. And it wasn’t there’s many more stages in quotations than just the five it’s society really has, in pop culture has really driven home, the idea of the five stages, but really, it wasn’t the intention of Elisabeth Kubler Ross’s work and yeah, anyway, that’s for another episode. But I want to ask if your son was in front of you, you had one day with him, he was just in front of you, what what would you want to say to him?

Phil Cohen 27:42
You know, I like to journal. And I would let these free flowing thoughts come up as they did nothing in a particular order, or that it would make sense. And one time, I found myself writing a letter to Perry, I go back, and I visit it often. And I’m not sure that it will ever be done. So I’ve kind of had this conversation in my mind. The first thing I’d want to say is I’m sorry, ma’am. I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to save him as his father, you know, that, to me, that was the most amount of pain is, you know, if, if they were if the boys were lost in a field or somewhere on land, I know, I’d be able to go to where they were and, and walk a grid pattern until I found them. But in the Atlantic Ocean, you know, it was nearly impossible to know where to start. But still, you know, I know that. I know that he must have been thinking or wishing that I was there to be able to save him. And so, you know, I would tell him that I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to save him. I told parents that I loved him so often, to the point where I would say guess what power and you say, Yeah, Dad, I know you love me, you know, so, but I would still I would still tell him how much I love him and how much I wish that I would be able to experience all of the things that a parent should be able to experience with their child, you know, his first girlfriend. His first love getting married, going to school first job, and just being there as a dad to be able to give him the advice that I know that I did get AND and OR I would have wished I would have gotten, you know at his age and years past. How much I miss him. I miss him so much in others. Perry’s Perry’s natural state was one of them. Laughter he’s such a happy kid. And I miss hearing that laugh, his laugh was infectious. And when he gave you a hug, it wasn’t like a weak hug. It was a strong firm hug. And I miss feeling his arms are wrapped around me. I guess you know, things like that.

Victoria Volk 30:28
Make me cry. I’m a mom. I’m a parent and I teenagers and so my heart just goes out to you. Because I’m know that pain probably will never go away that that sadness. Not that empty seats always there. And those milestones are never to be enjoyed. So thank you for sharing about Perry. In that way, have you been back to Florida?

Phil Cohen 31:02
I have several times. I’ve been to the Jupiter inlet. The other the other my son’s close friend, family, they put up a, a monument, a statue out there, of mom and dad are kinda like, I believe they say it’s not supposed to be them. But it looks like them, have them kind of going like this with their hands above their eyes kind of searching out into the sea. There’s no plaque or anything like that. It’s just a memorial to them. You know that when I stand there, you know, I really feel it, because that’s, that’s the last place that they were seeing. There’s video cameras, their boats going in and out of the Jupiter inlet. So that was, you know, the last time they were actually seen alive. And my parents lived there. And they live on the ocean. So I go out there. And I, you know, I talked to Perry every day in the shower in my car. And I remember, in the first like, the first couple of weeks, my my brothers, I have two older brothers among the youngest of three, they were there with me the whole time. And my oldest brother. He’s definitely a bit of an adrenaline junkie, but you know, super positive kind of person. And I remember him saying to me, it’s like, let’s go on the ocean. And this was like, maybe 10 days, so a couple of weeks after the boys went missing. And I remember saying, I remember like almost getting an angry at him. Like how could you know, like, No, I don’t want to. I remember saying to him, I know what you’re trying to do. Like, almost got mad at him for doing that. And I know, I heard in my in my head also like, go ahead, Dad. You know, like, I don’t know, there’s something about I’ve always been this way. Like there’s there’s a there’s a quote, I’m not sure who said it. But it’s it goes. If you can’t, then you must. So if anytime something ever comes up, that brings up a level of fear for me, I do it. Because on the other side of fear is always something powerful. There’s always some kind of gift on the other side of fear. So we went in, I went in the ocean, and I broke down. I mean, I mean, I broke down big time. But there’s healing that comes from that, you know, there’s healing that comes from facing your storms, you know. So, and when I do because my parents are there, I go there and I sit on the beach, and I talked to Barry, even though I know he’s not there. But since I have an idea of where they went missing, you know, you kind of feel like they’re there with you. Like he’s there with me. So yeah, I go back often, and I don’t let anything like that. Get in my way, like things that I want to, you know, I don’t let anything I don’t do or not do anything out of fear. You know, I will let something if it scares me. I feel like it’s something I need to approach and, you know, like giving my TED Talk and and, you know, working with other people and sharing my story right now, you know, this is this is probably like the fourth podcast I’ve ever been on. I still I’m still working my way through it. You know, but I’m here because I want people to hear my story. I want people to know that regardless of what they went through, that they can heal, that healing is attainable. And there are things you can do. But the first thing you have to do is choose because I would say that there’s over the past six and a half years Here’s I’ve had tons of conversations with people who have lost children. And maybe not somebody who’s just lost the children, maybe someone who’s lost a wife, or husband or somebody that’s really close to them, or somebody will connect me with them. And I’d say about 10% of the people I speak to, will say something like, Phil, I don’t care what you have to say, I lost the most precious person in my life. So there’s nothing you could tell me, show me talk to me about my life is over. And I don’t really even want to be here right now. So if that’s the stance that you choose, then you’ll likely never heal until you decide that healing is something that you want to pursue. So, you know, I made that decision. About a year and a half into it. I wish I would have made it earlier. But, you know, I remember, I think it’s, um, I don’t remember her name. It’s on the tip of my tongue. There was a young lady through COVID.

Phil Cohen 36:04
She’s in her husband lost his leg. He was a he was a is a theatre actor. And she was posting, you know, pretty girl, blonde hair. I can’t believe I forgot her name. But she went on the view, or one of these talk shows, and she got scorned, because she was smiling, and she was laughing. And she was, she was having a good time, you know, that people were saying it’s only been a few months, how could you be out there laughing and having a good time? You know, and I think that there’s like this negative taboo thing that like, if something bad happens to you that you have to lock yourself up in a room for years, you know, and that’s, that’s, that’s false. That’s false.

Victoria Volk 36:47
Criticized for that.

Phil Cohen 36:50
What you mean for locking yourself up? Right? It’s true. I’ve lost friends and family members. Because of this. People have said in a film, so it’s just too sad for me to be around you. Which is, like a kind of like a double whammy, right? Like it’s too sad for them. To be around lease

Victoria Volk 37:09
Are very common. Yeah. What you’ve shared, I probably answered the question already. But I was going to ask you, what is your grief taught you and and you’ve kind of shared a lot there. But is there anything specific that you would like to say to that? What,

Phil Cohen 37:26
Yeah yeah. It’s taught me a lot. Actually. You know, I think that you’ve you’ve really, when you go through something like this, you really figure out who you are. When you ask yourself, when you stop asking, why, why me? And you start asking we okay, what can I do about it? Now, I realized that I’m a lot stronger than I thought I was. And I also that there’s nothing at this point in my life, that can happen to me, that was worse than what already happened. It’s no like, I can take on anything, I’ve made it through the worst, what some, many medical professionals would consider the worst possible thing that can happen to a human being it was losing a child, and I don’t want to say made it through, but you know, I’m not living a life of despair. And now, you know, God’s got me on a path to help other people get through that healing. And I just love, there’s nothing more satisfying. So I’ve owned a couple of businesses, I’ve been fairly successful on a professional level. And the money and the success is so much lower on the totem pole, compared to somebody coming up to you or, and saying, Thank you, thank you for spending the time with me, thank you for that thing that you said, or that thing that you shared, because it’s helped me heal. Like, to me, that is the highest level of appreciation, the highest level of a gift for me is to know that, I guess it’s, you know, mid taking this thing, and making some sort of good out of it.

Victoria Volk 39:07
In the work that you do with men now, can you talk a little bit about the grief continuum and what that looks like?

Phil Cohen 39:15
Sure. So, you know, it does touch kind of, you know, a little bit, you know, on the five stages part of it, but, you know, it’s it’s when I had no idea what I was supposed to do. I go actually Googled how to grieve. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. And, you know, I saw the five stages and I felt like I think I must be doing something wrong, because I didn’t experience grief like that. So, you know, you may start at denial or anger or bargaining or depression, but you also may be somewhere in guilt or worthlessness or revenge. And going through this process, you know, on the other side of acceptance So everything if you think about the continuum, with all the negative things being on the left, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, worthlessness, guilt, shame, all of those things, all those things are all about you. They’re all it’s you focused on you, then it’s only when you start thinking about other people, and how you can help other people or even those being your family, and those other people that who are around you, that things start to shift a little bit. So, it’s mostly it’s mostly, you know, also getting guys to, to take the time to feel the pain, especially like men who have lost children. And I don’t know if we talked about this earlier or during, during our time live, but when men lose a child, generally, as a society, we flock around the mothers, which I totally understand, I totally get. And there’s not a lot of attention, if you go to, I’ve been to several, if you go to a few happened, not that you’ve want to but if you happen to find yourself at a funeral for a child, you will see this played out over and over and over again, how everybody will be flocking around mom, and dad’s kind of off to the side. And it’s been my experience that the last person men want to share their pain and their grief with is their wife, you know, they want to be there support them, you know, they want to be their rock, they want to be, you know, their support system. So a lot of times they don’t get to, to let it all out and to face that the vulnerability, you know, that it takes to make it through feeling that pain. So I work with them on on to helping them to access that because you can’t, you can’t avoid it, you can avoid it and, and I know even you know from from with my my new wife, she over the years, she every time Perry’s birthday repair his birthday or his death day. Or the day that he went missing. You know, I know, she would have say asked me questions like, how do you want to spend this day? You know, what, what she was really asking is, you know, can we do it together? You know, how can I be there with you to support you. And I always in the past, I always went and sat by the ocean and cried my eyes out by myself because I was I was afraid to let her in on some of that, you know, to let her you know, see me really ugly cry. And this this past year would have would have been Perry’s 21st birthday. And I decided to try something new. So we went to a local restaurant, and we toasted Perry and, you know, as as going through that process, of course, you know, I started to break down and then you know, she didn’t say anything, she wasn’t trying to fix it. She wasn’t trying to she did say, you know, we did talk about some of the times where Perry would make me laugh and some of the funny things that he did. And those things are extremely healing, to be able to speak about and let out, especially with somebody who’s loves you, and who wants to be there for you. So to any any man that might be listening to this podcast, if there’s somebody out there that you know, that you lot that loves you and that you trust, and is trying to express an interest in spending one of these days with you. And you’ve been hesitant because you don’t want to let them fully in or you don’t want them to see you ugly cry or you don’t, you don’t really know what you’re supposed to do. Let them in, try something new. Let them in and spend some time with them. And I bet you’ll find it as healing as I did.

Victoria Volk 43:51
One of the myths of grief because so many of us are taught these lessons in childhood that you know, that’s it’s emulated for us because grief isn’t generally talked about as we grow up is to be strong. And in a podcast, many podcast interviews at this point, it comes up frequently. But just yesterday I even brought posed the question like what does it mean to be strong? What’s that even mean? Like what does that look like? There’s no heroism and pretending that you’ve got it put together and that you’re okay. And and really it’s you’re lying to yourself. And that probably does more harm than anything that anyone else, you know, can say to you. Those do harm to mean people say hurtful and harmful things all the time because they don’t know better. They don’t. They haven’t received the knowledge of how to sit with others in their grief. Probably because they haven’t setting their own. So true. Yeah. So I think for men specifically, it was actually two were it was military, we were taught in the military audience, and that’s very much so. You know, the time. Yeah, be tough. And that’s where a lot of men that they have that upbringing of believing need to be tough. Yeah,

Phil Cohen 45:23
I think I think we’ve all been basically I’m, I’m 50 years old. So I know, you know, I feel like it’s changing a little bit now. But, you know, I was basically brainwashed to believe that Real men don’t cry, you know, but the we don’t, we don’t talk to each other about our emotions, or even go and seek therapy, you know, we’re supposed to just tough it out and suck it up. And that is the farthest thing from the truth that that strategy doesn’t work with grief, because you’re never going to be able to outrun the memories, you’re never going to be able to, to, you know, outflank them. So it’s only by sitting in your grief and talking with it, and talking with people and facing it, that you then begin to connect to their memory memories and the reminders, because they’re never going to go away. So I agree with you. And I think that I think I think it takes a lot more strengths, to be vulnerable, and to share your story and to cry in front of people than it does to not because I feel like it was a lot it was, it was a lot easier for me to push people away, and just do it all alone. And so it took me stepping into a discomfort, you know, to talk with people openly and honestly and vulnerably. And I think that more men need to realize that especially through grief that you you can’t deny it, you can’t run away from it. And if you want to truly heal, let people in and talk about it. Because otherwise, it’s just it’s going to come up in some negative way eventually.

Victoria Volk 47:09
How has this because you know, with a family unit, everyone grieves, how has this reshaped your relationships? And I mean, do you talk is grief more openly talked about within the family now? Has that changed? A little bit?

Phil Cohen 47:26
Yeah, you know, but, you know, it was it was me that that made that happen. I’m not saying that, you know, I take credit, it’s that people will avoid it. You know, if my parents my brother’s family, they, they avoid it. And I even notice it, like, you know, in just day to day conversations with those people that know me and know my story. You know, they’ll say, if they’re talking about their child, they’ll kind of change the conversation because they don’t want to make me feel bad or something like that, you know, I’ll say, oh, no, you know, Perry played baseball, do you know, he was left handed, he was a pitcher. And he did this. And he did that. And I openly bring him up in just in conversations I don’t, it’s not something that I want to hide. And I don’t want his memory to be forgotten. You know, and it’s, I look at it as no to, you know, number one, I’m, I’m so thankful and feel blessed for the fact that I was even lucky enough to have a child, you know, I mean, there’s a lot of people out there that that would have trying and trying and can’t even have children. So the fact that I had a child and got to spend 14 and a half amazing years with him, I focus on all of the memories and the good times that we did get to share together because, you know, I do believe that where focus goes energy flows, right. So just like, you know, if you, you stand outside in the sun, you know, that sunshine can cover vast amounts of the earth and you can go outside and you can be stand there and be feel like you’re being wrapped in a warm blanket. Yet, if you take a magnifying glass and you focus in on one specific area, you can start a fire, you know, and I believe that that’s true of our thoughts as well. It’s what we choose to focus on that where the energy goes. And I focus on all of the good things and the good times that I had, as opposed to the why me and why did this happen to me? And why didn’t this person do that? And all of the negative aspects of it, it really, it’s a conscious decision that you have to make. So I some people I can tell you even look surprised like that I’ll bring up his name, you know, in conversation. But why? Why yes, this thing happened. There’s nothing that I can do about that. Like, if there was a way for me to bring him back. I would do it. If there was a way for me to trade places with him in that moment. I would do it. But that’s not possible. You know, there’s I don’t know if you’ve ever heard this, but there’s that old Chinese tale about the magical mustard seed. Have you ever heard that?

Victoria Volk 49:57
I haven’t, but will you share it?

Phil Cohen 49:59
Here? I will try my best. I don’t have it memorized. But it’s something like this, where there was a woman who lost her only child. And she went to some sage and said, What magical potions or incantations that you have to bring my son back. And he told her that he wanted to encourage go to find a mustard seed from a home that has never known sorrow. So off she went, and she she saw a big match. And she went, she knocked on the door. And she said, she said, I need to get a mustard seed from a seed from a home that is no no sorrow. Is this such a place? And they said, Oh, no, you’re in the wrong place. This family has no sorrow. And she realized that what she went through, she was a she could possibly help these fans, this family. So she stayed with them for a while and help them and then off to the next place that she went, and then the next and the next. And she never found that magical mustard seed, but in her in her aura home that had never known sorrow. But in her travels, she was able to help so many people, she eventually forgot about finding that magical mustard seed. And I feel like I’m on a very similar path. You know, at that I’m finding that I’m put in positions where people have been through something, mostly the loss of a loved one, and through conversations and through walking them through specific, you know, diving into certain areas. That, yeah, I feel like that, that the I’m on a very similar path is that as that woman who was looking for that, that magical mustard seed, you know, that God, the universe, whatever you want to call, it, has me on this path, and has given me the strength to be able to have these conversations and to help other people navigate their own grief. And to me, there is nothing more rewarding than somebody helping somebody through that process. I’m not saying that, you know, everybody I talked to I can get them to the point where they’re happy or something like that. And the fact is, I say this to several people, I don’t I don’t have a master’s degree in psychology. But I have a PhD and experience, you know, and the heart to serve other people. And through that, you know, through my experience, I feel like I’ve been gifted an ability to be able to do that.

Victoria Volk 52:22
That’s wonderful. What is one tip that you would give, I mean, you gave a lot of tips, but is there one tip that you would give someone who’s a parent, specifically who’s lost a child? Today, listening,

Phil Cohen 52:36
Most of the parents that I’ve spoken to have lost a child hold on to very similar things that I was holding on to, which was the guilt and the shame and all the things that they could have done. I think that, for me, everything changed when I gave myself permission to heal. You know, that may be a month that may be six years, I think it’s going to be different for different people. And I believe that their child would likely want them to get up to write, they wouldn’t want them to live in a life of misery and despair. But at some point, you have to give yourself permission to heal. And whether it’s as simple as something as using post it notes or writing something in places where you can see them, allowing yourself to give yourself permission. At some point, you have to make that decision that you want to pursue healing. Because without that, nothing is going to work.

Victoria Volk 53:37
I had a guest recently say you can be a griever and you still can go to Disneyland.

Phil Cohen 53:42
Love that. I love that. Because you’re always going to be a Griever we’re always going, that’s not like I’ve got I can’t say all I’ve gotten through it, or I’ve overcome it. You know, it’s, it’s how you integrate grief into your life, I believe, because it’s not something that if you look at it as something you’re gonna have to overcome or break through, you might be setting yourself up for failure, because you’re, you’re always going to find those memories, you know, and those reminders, they’re going to come up and and when they do take the time to feel though don’t don’t run away from them. That would probably be the other thing that would probably be even a big bigger thing is to don’t avoid the pain. Don’t push it down. Don’t run away from it. There’s times I mean, I have pictures of my son all over the house of pictures of me and him and pictures of just him. I mean, not like all over like where it’s everywhere but in some rooms in the house because I want to see him I want to see his face, you know, and it’s not something that I look at it and it makes me want to break down. But that’s you know, I think it’s also my perception of it. You know, the way that I choose to look at it, but is that to at some point they have You have to take the time to kind of sit in the pain of what happened and recognize what happened. Because that’s where, for me anyway, the true healing came from.

Victoria Volk 55:10
In the first early months or weeks. Did you want to when you realized he’s not coming home? Like he’s gone? Did you want to pack everything up? And do away with it? Like, what? Or did or you know, because sometimes parents will keep everything just as it was. And then there might be parents that just want to pack everything up and have it gone. What was that? For you?

Phil Cohen 55:38
No, yeah, no, I, I didn’t pack everything up in one gone that. Because for me, that would be like, almost like, I don’t know, I don’t want to say you’re wrong. You know, I think I don’t think there’s a wrong way or right way to do this, really, you know, I think people have to do what’s going to what’s going to work for them. But I would never want, I want his memory around, you know, I want the little things, whether it be his baseball glove, or the necklace that he made for me when he was eight years old. I like I like having those things around, you know, because they are reminders of His love, you know, and, and that he was here. So I never, I never felt the need to pack it up and put it away so that I can kind of box up the pain and move it out of my life. I mean, yes, there was a point where, okay, well, you know, I got to clean up his room or take certain things out and move them away. But it wasn’t, it wasn’t because of an effort to try to get away from it. You know, it was more of just like, this, just, this is the right time for me to do that. And for some people, if that’s a month, if that’s what they feel that they have to do, as long as it’s, as long as it’s not coming from a place of avoidance, that’s the biggest piece, I think the point that I want to make is that if you’re trying to box up the things or hide the things away so that you can not see them, because they make it too painful for you. I think you’re kind of missing the point. It’s kind of it’s going through that pain, that where the healing eventually comes from.

Victoria Volk 57:11
There might be people listening who lost somebody that like you don’t have a grave site to go to, particularly where they know that their loved one is right. I believe for me, that would add another layer of grief. That’s why I asked you if you’ve ever been back to juniper. Yeah. What would you write juniper? to Jupiter? What did I say Juniper, juniper. Okay, well, that’s an essential oil. Okay, let me rewind. Okay, what would you say to parents who like you don’t have, like a cemetery or grave site to go to where they know that that’s where their loved one is at? Because I imagine for me, that would be another layer of grief, to experience and go through and, and have to address and that’s why I’d asked you if you had gone to back to Jupiter. What would you say to those parents? And how did you kind of work through that yourself?

Phil Cohen 58:16
That’s a great question. That really is a great question. And that’s something that I I struggled with for a while, but in my heart, whether it’s a graveyard, or a monument, whatever it might be, they’re not there. I mean, yes, their body or their remains may be in the ground, but their spirit is not there. You know, that’s just the container, and I get why it may be important to I always went to the ocean, you know, that was where, and I still do, I still do I go sit, you know, on the coast, because I feel like that was the last place that he was seen. But I feel like it’s more about it, even on a daily basis, you know, I talked to Perry, I don’t feel like I need to go to a specific place. But if the fears if somebody’s struggling with that, you know, there, you don’t necessarily have to build the statue, like I said, the, the parents of the other child when they put the statue there so that they can have someplace to go to, for me, you know, I, I’m in the process of writing a book, I did my TEDx talk. And there’s other things that you can do with your pay, you know, to or what you’ve been through what the lessons that you’ve learned from what you’ve been through, that might serve you just as well, but I don’t know that I have the best answer for that. You know, I wish they were saying I wish I could say, well, you could do this, this or this for me. You know, I was, you know, getting up on stage, you know, at a TEDx event and sharing my story, in an effort to help other people see other people heal, that I felt is was kind of like a way for me to give back. And the book that I’m writing, same thing kind of a way to, you know, to give Back, or, you know, you can do something like what the other parents did, you can build something or put a monument or do something that you feel is what helps you heal. But even if there was an actual physical place for me to go, I likely would go, I likely would go, because but I know that he’s not there. You know, I, so for me, it’s more I feel like the conversations and my, my the way that I honor and respect him is by by sharing his story and sharing his memory. And also now what I’m doing, I’m trying to help other people.

Victoria Volk 1:00:38
Think it circles back to what you’ve said about integrating your grief and integrating the experience into your life and how it’s shaped your life now. And you alluded to it earlier about your faith, I think that plays that’s greatly influences how people respond to their grief, in feeling like they have a spiritual connection in some way to their departed loved one. And, you know, I think that yeah, there’s a lot of influences there, I think, but I was just curious how you in particular, and what you would say to people, if they had that question for you, if they’re a grieving parent, too, because I think if I’m, if I’m wondering, I’m sure someone listening is wondering, and so that’s why I like to ask, and

Phil Cohen 1:01:26
That’s why I feel like my, you know, my TEDx or, and or my book that’s coming out will be sort of my monument, it’s not a place that I need to, you know, and the place that I need to visit, that’s sort of the way that the way I look at it is trying to kind of giving, giving back in a way,

Victoria Volk 1:01:41
Are you finding your book writing therapeutic for you?

Phil Cohen 1:01:44
Very, yeah, very therapeutic. And I mean, and, and, but ultimately, everything, everything that I do like, is really just to help other people. Really, that’s my, my biggest goal is that I just want to give people you know, either an idea or, or a story or something to think about, to let them know that they don’t have to live a life of despair, whether it’s the loss of a child, or the loss of a loved one, and like you said earlier, or they might be a job or a dream, you know, we should all take that time, to grieve and to feel that process. But eventually, at some point, we have to choose, you know, do you want to live there or not?

Victoria Volk 1:02:29
So tell us about your book, when’s it coming out, and where people can find you.

Phil Cohen 1:02:33
I’m, I’m still I’m still in the editing phase, I would like to see it started to come out in the next couple of months. I don’t have a specific date. But I would say sometime, maybe over the next 90 to 120 days, people can visit my website. That’s Phil cohen.com, pH, IL, co H e n.com. And I have a place there where you can book a call with me, I don’t charge I’m not charging you to have a conversation. But I’d love to learn more about what you’ve been through, and maybe any way that I might be able to help you. And if there is, you know, that’s really my main goal through all this is to see if there’s some way that I can help people heal, please reach out and it would be honored to be able to help.

Victoria Volk 1:03:18
Is there anything else that you would like to share?

Phil Cohen 1:03:22
I think you did a pretty good job of asking me all the questions around grief and Healing. And other I can’t really think of anything else.

Victoria Volk 1:03:25
Thank you so much for sharing. I will put all of the links that you mentioned in the shownotes where can people find you on social media? Where is your favorite place to be there?

Phil Cohen 1:03:40
Either on Facebook or LinkedIn are the two places that I’m that I’m active right now.

Victoria Volk 1:03:45
Okay, I will put those in the show notes. Thank you so much for your time and sharing your story and for being here.

Phil Cohen 1:03:51
Thank you very much Victoria for having me. It’s been a pleasure.

Victoria Volk 1:03:55
And remember, when you unleash your hearts, you unleash your life. Much love.

Ep 116 | Reid Peterson

Reid Peterson | Discovering a Legacy with Grief

 

SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:

Reid is the creator of the Grief Refuge app and supports grievers through publishing daily audio messages that soothe and comfort people pained by grief.

Grief is something Reid grew up knowing well. As a young adult, his biological father, who struggled with alcohol abuse, died by suicide. Fortunately, his stepfather came into his life as a child and was a positive influence.

However, grief would strike hard when his stepfather passed away after a long, eight-year battle with cancer. And, Reid would learn, for the first time, the difference between grief and mourning.

By the time his stepfather had passed away, he had also experienced the loss of friends due to cancer and suicide. However, it was the loss of his stepfather that would be the loss that would shape him to become a helper of grievers and strive to be the best husband he could be.

We often underestimate our impact and influence on other people’s lives. And, as a society, we don’t make a point to articulate to others what they mean to us or the positive influence and impact they have.

Grief cracks us open, but usually after losing someone we love. What if we challenged ourselves to be cracked open by the love we are given here and now? Then, reflect that back to those who give it by sharing, vulnerably, what that love means to us while the other person can hear it.

Let this episode inspire you to share how much the people (and the love and positive influence they have) in your life mean to you.

RESOURCES:

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If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are HERE.

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CONNECT WITH VICTORIA: 

 

Victoria Volk 0:00
Thank you for tuning in to this week’s episode. This is your host Victoria Volk of the Unleashed heart. And today, my guest is Reed Peterson. He is the creator of the grief refuge app. He achieved his master’s degree in transpersonal psychology and is certified in deep death and grief studies by the Center for loss and life transition. Read supports Grievers through publishing daily audio messages that soothe and comfort people pained by grief. Thank you so much for being here.

Reid Peterson 0:32
Victoria. Thank you, I always look forward to meaningful conversations about important topics that aren’t spoken enough. So it’s a privilege to be here. And thank you for the work that you do.

Victoria Volk 0:44
Likewise, well, let’s start with grief refuge and how it came to be.

Reid Peterson 0:50
Okay. Well, it starts with thinking about two father figures in my life. And that’s my biological father. And my stepfather. And both of them were very, very active in raising me. My stepfather came into my life when I was three. And so if anything, he was more around to be a father figure than my dad, but my biological father, but the story goes in 2006, my biological father, he ended his life by suicide. And at that time, I went through a process of surprising grief experience where I actually felt a lot of relief. And I was kind of joyed in the experience that my dad’s suffering has ended. My dad was an alcoholic. And he also struggled and suffered through post traumatic stress. And so a lot of my waking memories of my father have to do with like, difficulty. Not feeling like he could express his emotions, me wondering who this stranger was that I called dad. And so I just said, 28 years old, when he died, I kind of had this reaction of like, you SOB you finally did it. And, and just felt sad that I was never going to see him again, but also felt tremendous relief that his suffering had ended. So then fast forward 10 years, I lost my stepfather to cancer. He battled multiple myeloma for eight years. True soldier never complained once throughout the years of, of the tumultuous challenge, to stay alive and try to thrive. And when he died in the spring of 2016, I said to myself, well, Warren is my stepfather’s name, I’m sure gonna miss Warren. But I’ve, I’ve grieved the loss of my dad before. And so I’m good. I kind of know how this process unfolds. But Victoria, I couldn’t have been more wrong. Because I was completely overwhelmed with what felt like tremendous loneliness that I really had a difficult time articulating. And it got to a point where I found myself really isolated. And I said, I gotta get some support from my community members. And so I joined a support group through one of the local hospice organizations. And then I even sought a counselor to process some of my grief. And both were great positive experiences. But at the same time, I recognize that because loneliness had impacted me so deeply, I felt like there was this huge gap in between each session with a grief counselor, or in between, in between each group meeting that happened. So I remember asking myself a lot. What do I do in the in between. And what I remember doing was just kind of like roaming up and down the beaches of where I live, or kind of looking down and it’s hiking up a path into one of the one of the foothills where I live I live in Santa Barbara, so I’m blessed to have the ocean and mountains but and so that I really think that that planted a seed. And then maybe about three years later, after Warren died, I started realizing like I feel a calling growing inside of me to to be more of a support person in the field of grief and grief support. And I just thought of, I kept remembering that question of what about the in between what what happens in the in the day to day when when somebody doesn’t have the space or you know, the support network to communicate with others. And that’s, that’s kind of where the idea for a mobile application started sprouting, and kind of just grew from there.

Victoria Volk 5:25
It’s one thing to lose one father, but then to lose two, right. And that’s an influential variant for launch influential relationship in someone’s life. I had a similar experience, my dad passed away when I was a child, I had a stepfather, and he passed away in my early 20s. And there was no completeness with that relationship. There wasn’t a goodbye, there wasn’t my mom and him and divorced already at that time. And so I relate to that part of your story. And so what was that in between looking like for you? And how was it different with your biological father? And then your stepfather? What? Did you notice anything? I mean, I know you said it seemed, or it seemed heavier, right after your stepfather. But what were you feeling? And what were the things that were happening in your life? And how did they differ?

Reid Peterson 6:21
Well, if I think more about my biological father, as I mentioned, I felt relief. And so looking back, I would attribute that to experiencing like, some joy, you know, joy, that the suffering, my perceived, so bad suffering had ended. And I remember, maybe eight months later, I started to recognize feelings of guilt. Oh, you know, that wasn’t probably such a good thing to feel all those feelings. I remember at my father’s memorial, my siblings, my sister, my brother, and I, we all try facilitated his funeral slash Memorial. And my mom approached me and my mom, my mom, and my dad had such a hard relationship that was kind of like, you know, very passionate and lustful in the hinder youth. But then, like, true hatred for one another, post having three kids together, and my mom said to me, Wow, you really feel you really feel relieved don’t to, you know, she kind of saw the look on the expression on my face. And I, for me, it was at the time, it was like, as somebody who tried my best to understand my dad, because my dad was a very complicated man, very private, very emotional, but so guarded, that he wouldn’t allow himself to express his emotions. I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulder. And so I said to my mom, yeah, I have really do feel this way, this is authentic for me. And she said, Okay, and then, so, but then, like I said, even months later, so I started to realize, like, hey, wait a minute, maybe what that wasn’t okay. And that was probably more of my type of personality, you know, some of the way my thoughts, you know, factor into my life and how I live my life accordingly. And probably caught up with some kind of paradigm or some limiting belief that like it wasn’t permissible to feel that way. And so I remember acknowledging some of my own guilt, for doing that, and going through a period of like, almost like interpersonal reframing, because I didn’t see constantly and after my dad died, I didn’t really go get support outside of myself, I just more connected with family members, you know, to talk about the loss of our father. And so, within my own experience, I had to do a little bit of reframing and understand like, Well, hey, wait a minute. You said it was authentic weed, so you have to be okay with it actually being authentic. So, that was very different from when Warren died. So when when Warren died, I actually felt more of a longing for him. More of the, like I said earlier, the loneliness and just really feeling deeply saddened by the loss of Warren. And so it didn’t feel was much like about like this inner processing, it felt like these true raw emotions that I didn’t, you know, I couldn’t really relate to even though like, Warren was my mom’s soulmate. They were like, bonded so deeply, for 33 years. And so, I mean, I was really concerned when Warren died, I was like, What is my mom gonna do, but then it just, it just hit me by surprise, because I was like, you know, Warren was such a rock, and so easy to talk to so easy going and like, he just had like, great qualities and a person, you know, like, he’s one of those special people that you truly are going to miss when he can no longer spend time with them anymore. And, and I thought I was, I thought I was okay, you know, I’ve always perceived myself as like grounded, easygoing, myself, and just kind of like, really responsive to what the universe throws at me. And I just was so blown away by like,

Reid Peterson 11:14
How deep of a loss that I felt how much I truly missed him. And actually, you know, his, his 60th Birthday would have happened just a couple days ago at the time of this recording. And he has like, man, do I miss this guy, you know, as communicate with my mom. And she was talking about like, some of the family members getting together to honor him, I think they visited his grave site. And I’m at a distance I’m at a physical distance, so I can’t really hang out with them. And I was just like, gosh, you know, I miss him so much, is just like, so cool to talk to as an adult. So

Victoria Volk 12:07
How would you say that grief was manifesting, though, let’s go a little bit deeper. How was it manifesting for you differently between those two losses?

Reid Peterson 12:18
Well, I guess I would need to ask for clarification on that, because I feel like I have been addressing that, like that. To me, I would respond by saying the same thing. The manifestation would be the feelings of like joy, then relief, then guilt, and then also the sadness. So where are you heading with this, Victoria?

Victoria Volk 12:37
Okay. So, Grief Recovery, we talk about STERBS, short term energy relieving behaviors, things that we resort to in order to feel better, for a short period of time, because we don’t really want to feel what we’re feeling. Even in less than loving relationships or complicated relationships, we can resort to things to help us feel better, whether it be exercise, or alcohol, or shopping, or gambling, or Facebook, or, you know, these behaviors that we resort to, to fill a void. Right? And because you didn’t, what I heard was that and correct me if I’m wrong, but if your dad was a type of person who didn’t express himself, but although you did have Warren as a young child, so I guess, I guess I should start here. Who do you think influenced your capacity to grieve in a healthy way more, a lot like your father, the presence of your father in your life or your stepfather?

Reid Peterson 13:41
Well, I know truthfully, both influence influenced my way to process grief. I’m very grateful to have both experiences. Now, if I think of myself, in social context to others, like in social relationship, I would say Warren, like the loss of Warren helped teach me how to grieve in a social context, because I ended up going to a grief counselor and I ended up going to a grief support group, through the local hospice. And what I was witnessing from other people in the groups was an expression of sadness and longing for their loved one that they wanted, that they lost and that they wanted to be with. And so that I could identify with now, what I experienced when my dad died, I wasn’t able to identify with or relate to from other people because similar to me, I kept it a little bit more private. Now my mom who knows me very well, she was able to see something in that in that authentic expression. My anybody else outside of my family. There wasn’t really much conversation about it, or about grieving or the loss of my dad. Uh, so that was more of a much private matter. So I feel like, I feel like I learned from my dad grieving because I define grieving as internal thoughts and internal feelings. And then from my stepdad, Warren, I learned mourning the outward expression of grief. So it kind of feels like I’ve got the best of will, it’s hard to say the best because grief is painful. I got great lessons, and both losses of my dad and my stepdad.

Victoria Volk 15:34
Well, that’s a great example of, I think, and how you described it just that morning versus that kind of the complexity of that. All the feelings of that other loss of your of your father, would you say that is what grief taught you?

Reid Peterson 15:49
No, because, okay, for me. I can probably think of dozens of things grief has taught me, but at the same time, Victoria, I believe that grief will always keep teaching me. You know, it’s been 16 years since my dad died. And I’m like, wow, there’s still a journey that I can embark on with grieving my dad’s death, because I had such a, such a strong perception of what I label as like negative experiences in his life. But But now, you know, as I grow, and I’m mature, and I evolve, I find myself remembering things about my dad that helped me understand a little bit more of parts of his personality that I didn’t pay attention to when he was still living. And so grief is still teaching me. So it’s a complicated answer to what sounds like a simple question. But I think that grief is grief is going to be with me for the rest of my life. Most people say that it will soften. I believe that too. But at the same time, I’m like, there will be moments where Alan wolfelt, my teacher, he refers to him as grief bursts, you know, these things will come up a wave of grief will hit hard. I don’t know if it’s because of listening to a song or something. But I’ll remember, I actually just went through a really difficult process. Not too long ago, where Warren, my stepfather, he had an identity of being a Harley rider, you know, always had a beard, you know, kind of looked like a gruff guy, but I mean, just a big teddy bear. And mandate, he loved this Harley. And my mom also loved being on the back of his Harley too. So a big part of their life together, you know, when, when they needed to escape from their kids, they went on Harley rides, and things like that. And no one were in died, I actually inherited his Harley. And for about four years, I did my best to continue to honor like his legacy or honor, and respect him in what he meant to me. So when I’d ride that Harley, I felt like I was connecting with the essence of Warren, Warren spirit. And man, did that feel good. But then I realized, like, Okay, I don’t feel safe riding this bike, because I don’t really identify as a big motorcycle rider that much. At the same time, I’m almost getting clipped here and there, because people are texting while they’re driving. And it’s scary. And, you know, no, no offense to any California residents listening to this, but there’s some crazy California drivers just don’t look where they’re going. And so I’m like, Okay, now I’m crushing my safety. Like, I want to continue to live, you know, I want to increase my chances to live as long as possible. So long story short, I talked to my mom about you know, what to do next with a bike. Is there any other family member, any other family member who would like to? I can pass it on to? And unfortunately, the answer was no. And so it got to a point where we made an agreement where it was permissible and okay, to let it go. And I ended up selling it to someone who is very passionate about writing. So I’m really excited that you know, this, this guy’s just going to take great care of it and really enjoy his time with it, because that’s what Warren love. So it’s kind of like this resemblance of like, well, can we honor those wishes, if you will, at least the wishes that we think they would be but Victoria, it was really hard because arguably, that motorcycle was like a family heirloom. And so when it was like go like there was there was some difficulty in saying like, again, you know, I must have a guilty personality type, because that was like, oh, you know, can I feel okay to have let this go? Because right now I don’t I feel kind of guilty that it just didn’t work out for me to continue to write it. But, you know, it went through some process of,

Reid Peterson 20:16
Again, some of my own internal reframing and saying, Hey, Reed, you did the best you could you, you just have to be okay with that. And you have to understand that like, you know that that was a part of Warren’s life that was part of Warren’s identity, and you did your best to see if it could be a part of yours. And you learned that didn’t. And so, you know, time to time to make some choices and some decisions that will help you know, me continue to, to live life moving forward. And so I feel like that ties into what grief has taught me and what grief has continued to teach me too. But I think that there is a lot of hard decisions that everyone faces to throughout their grief process. It’s not just about it’s not just about like, acknowledging the feelings and working through them, I think includes so many life decisions that really impact identity moving forward to.

Victoria Volk 21:15
I think, grief, often, I mean, we start to ask ourselves big, deep questions when we go through a devastating loss. And were there any that came up for you, personally, like personal deep questions that you find yourself asking yourself after Warren passed away?

Reid Peterson 21:38
I appreciate that question. It’s really insightful. Hey, the thing that comes up to me is, like, what kind of legacy am I going to be able to leave in my life, because at the time of Warren’s death, you know, for me, a funeral experience can be so meaningful, because I feel like if I’m not involved in being a part of it, when I observe and be a participant in the funeral, like I really get to understand the person who died kind of their values in life and how they made for lack of a better term, how they made a difference in the lives of others. And so reflecting on Warren’s death, and thinking about it as like, Warren was just a really special family oriented man, we had like, mazing stories of like building a family cabin together. And like, Warren was so gifted, like, as a handyman, like, you know, our the house that I grew up in was like born and my mom’s like, remodel project for like, 35 years, they’re always finding something new to work on and add on to or update of, it’s just like, how do you guys keep coming up with new ideas? Like, your home isn’t, like 10,000 square feet, it’s just a simple Rambler. Like, where do you come up with more things to do? But the I’m sure would and, and so like, when Warren died, I was like, will read like, this is a pivotal moment for you. Because when he died, I was I think, 39. I was like, whoo, what do I look at my life now? And how do I want to be remembered? Or how do I want to what kind of legacy do I want to leave? And so that really opened my eyes to and I felt like, you know, forgive me to sound cliche in saying that, you know, when when there’s a loss, if there’s any gift, in like a grief experience, or having, you know, somebody, losing someone in order to learn something about yourself. That might have been one of the gifts that weren’t gave to me, through our relationship in his passing was like, okay, read, you know, pay attention to that, because very transparently, I’m not a father in this lifetime. And I won’t be and, and it’s like, well, what do I want to do? Because I don’t fully identify as like somebody who’s, like, completely married to the work that I do either. And so it really it really created some space for me to reflect on that and come up with ideas and a vision going forward.

Victoria Volk 24:29
And what is that, if you don’t mind sharing?

Reid Peterson 24:32
Well, part of it is the work that I do. So I am a husband, though and these days, and American culture, a lot of times, relationships if, if their struggle and strife, the answer is to end it. And so I know that I have found a partner that who’s very special and so part of my vision in my life is to be like the best husband that I can possibly be to my wife. And so I’m very committed to that. And very, very grateful for the type of relationship we have and look forward to all the growth opportunities in our lifetime together, whether that’s three more years, 30 more years, or somewhere in the in between, I don’t know. But that comes to mind. And then also, I’ve come to understand that there is a healer inside of me. And so I know that I’ve found my calling, with grief refuge, and integrating modern technology to help support people who, you know, find their grief experience to be very privatized, and personalized. But also, my hope in my vision, Victoria is that sometime in the future, I’m I’m aiming for 10 years or sooner that there is a grief refuge retreat center, somewhere in the pacific northwest of the United States. And then groups of, you know, people grieving, perhaps grieving a similar type of loss, they can come and experience what feels that authentic to them, with their peers, if they know them, or at least strangers who can identify with the type of loss metrics that they’re experiencing?

Victoria Volk 26:30
It sounds very beautiful. I picture it in my mind. Thank you. I had some ideas come to me, I’ll share them after we’re done recording, just some insights that I had when you were talking in the work that you are doing currently. Do you see a lot of men being drawn to what you’re doing right now?

Reid Peterson 26:51
Appreciate the question. And I wish the answer were Yes. But truthfully, when the app is downloaded, and people register on it, I think that 90% or higher, are female. Wow, there’s still I think in our culture, there’s still some work to be done. To help men understand that using their voice, in their grief process is okay, too. I know that traditionally and kind of gender, gender stereotypically men are more doers than talkers. But I firmly believe as a man who identifies as being a doer, Doer to like, for example, a big part of healing in my grieving process involves hiking. Well, that’s an activity that I would label doing. I also think that there can be, you know, vocal communication with doing too. So I once had this idea for the future retreat center of, for men, maybe there’s always a project that could be worked on, you know, and I’m like, Part of that’s honoring Warren. And I’m like, Oh, if you know, it doesn’t have to be men. Of course, it can be anybody who wants to, quote unquote, do or build as part of their grief experience. And so that just came to mind as like a really fun idea. And it really is community oriented. And I think that any agreement person who finds themselves contributing to make something to help be of support to someone else, even if they never meet them, that’s got to be a good feeling.

Victoria Volk 28:33
Do you feel like I mean, what so often happens with Grievers is we find purpose in our pain. And not everybody has to start a business or create something big, bigger than themselves, or what have you. But it can be as small as bringing another Griever into your network and into your community and supporting them. Because we’re all at different places, right? You know, if you, you can get a lot of insight from someone who’s five steps ahead in their grief, not saying there’s like a ladder or there’s a linear path, but the further out that you get. That’s a lot of introspection and reflection time in between. And that’s why I’m saying, I totally agree with you that you grow with your grief. It it changes and it evolves you over time and you grow with it. I can say that as a child Griever YouTube, like, you know, because I imagine that change in relationship at age three, where your father was your biological father was in your life, but was he present? Like, was he really there? Because that’s that changes the influence too. Right? So was he really an act is sorry, if I missed it. What was the active presence in your life? I think you said that actually.

Reid Peterson 29:54
He was yeah he lived five miles away and you know through the delay Go situation with their divorce. He had visitation rights and things like that. So yeah. And but he was also an alcoholic. So was he really present? Right, yet to be together? still yet to be determined?

Victoria Volk 30:17
So often those cycles to repeat and and maybe perhaps to the gift of Warren is that do you feel like he kind of steered you in a different path of one that you may maybe could have taken? Had he not been in your life?

Reid Peterson 30:31
Absolutely, yeah. I deeply respect and deep, deeply respect, Warren’s commitment as a family oriented man, because my biological father wasn’t. And so having that influence, it helped me understand, although that, you know, my wife and I are not going to be parents in this lifetime. Like, we still hold a lot of family values, you know, we’re very actively involved in our siblings lives, and, you know, still, our nuclear families, you know, are still really actively involved in, you know, thank goodness for, you know, FaceTime in technology these days, because we don’t live near any of our family members. But yeah, I give a lot of credit to Warren, and in helping be me helping to be a positive influence in my life in regards to that matter.

Victoria Volk 31:24
I just want to say for anyone listening to if you have the capacity to be that for somebody else, you don’t have to be blood, right? I mean, he just showed you that you can be there for someone who, and have a profound impact on them, like Warren did for you. And they can be your neighbor. They could be the cashier at the grocery store. It could be your postmaster like so I think I just wanted I don’t know why I just felt like sharing that, that if you’re listening to this, and you have the capacity to be a light for someone like Warren was for you follow those nudges? What has what gives you the most hope? I mean, it kind of described it a little bit. But do you want to go a little further on what gives you the most hope for the future?

Reid Peterson 32:14
Well, it’s a great question. If I sit will reflect on it, I think it kind of have two answers personally and professionally, what gives me the most hope is, you know, feeling loved and cared for by my wife. In a personal perspective, I think that oftentimes, even in the work that I do, loneliness is a feeling that is almost a little bit too friendly at times. And so a lot of people have said in Reed’s life, like, Oh, are you depressed? And I’m like, Well, no, it’s just kind of like, a sense of feeling lonely or sense of feeling isolated. And I attribute that to part of it to being a highly sensitive person, I identify with being highly sensitive. And so, you know, for me, feeling that love and being open and receptive to it. I think that that’s one of the challenging things that men for whatever reason, stereotypically, again, I apologize for the hanging of people who don’t identify with the stereotype, but can name it as far as if it’s a vulnerability thing or what but like, sometimes men have a difficult time just accepting and or embracing Warm regards and warm feelings and feelings of love and care towards them. So in my personal life, that gives me tremendous hope. I’m blessed in that regard. Professionally, I think that when, for me, it’s a felt sense, like, because I do facilitate some online groups, and then we’ve got grief refuge app built, when I get positive feedback in any regard, like, I can sometimes see or sense like almost this shift in someone where they are now recognizing that for whatever reason, they’re feeling a little bit more of their own hope. And when I recognize that, or when it feels like a true experience for me, that’s when I recognize me feeling more hopeful, too.

Victoria Volk 34:32
I love that. What is the tip that you would give? Well, let me ask this first. So between the two losses of your biological father in your stepfather, did you have any loss in between?

Reid Peterson 34:44
Yeah, unfortunately lost a lot of friends to suicide and a lot of friends to cancer.

Victoria Volk 34:51
Because grief is cumulative, and it’s cumulatively negative. That’s why I wanted to ask that because by the time you had had the loss of Warren You’d been around the block a few times of grief? And has it ever struck you the similarity then of those losses with suicide and with cancer? And have you found that have you? Is there an element of your app that you’ve incorporated those types of losses into it? Like suicide, particularly, which can be very challenging for people?

Reid Peterson 35:27
No, not yet I, I’ve really tried to focus the app as far as the content shared on the app to be more like kind of like, the psychology of grief management, like in the thoughts and the specific emotions, rather than focusing on type of loss type of loss matters. I don’t discredit it at all. But when I looked at, kind of like all the resources available to people that are grieving, I recognize that so many of them, in fact, a majority or more are focused on type of loss, and says, like, oh, maybe grief refuge can be more unique, and focusing on more just emotional states and your thinking patterns.

Victoria Volk 36:14
Going deeper into that, then having an understanding of that type of loss, losing someone to suicide, and the premise of grief refuge. And what you described was was the in between, right? And what I know about grief is that people who are struggling with suicidal ideation, I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that 100% of them have grief or trauma in their life, or both. And so of someone who is having suicidal thoughts, or is feeling really depressive, and is starting to go down that downward spiral, that rabbit hole of having those thoughts, and they come across your app, it is an opportunity, right? Because there is that in between there to have having a grief or trauma event happen to then ending your own life. I don’t know if that’s occurred to you? I don’t know. I just that just came to my mind is that there’s an in between for for those people as well. Is it his grief? What I know about grief that it is grief? People are experiencing?

Reid Peterson 37:24
Yeah, I actually haven’t thought of it that way. But it makes some great sense. And I think that’s really wise of you to say that Victoria.

Victoria Volk 37:32
Well, and I asked you because has it when you think about your biological father and and him taking his own life and how it brought you relief. But have you ever reflected on the grief that he had in his life in between?

Reid Peterson 37:49
Yeah, I’ve spent post his lot, you know, posts his death, I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on his grief. And, you know, he had a rough, rough life himself. He was physically abused by his dad and stuff like that, learn to drink from his dad too. But I can easily assume and with confidence, say my dad had a lot of grief in his life, he did actually tell me some stories about what happened in Vietnam and some of the things he did. And he, I’m very lucky that he trusted me to say that because I know a lot of veterans do not share stories with anybody. And so, so I did learn that there were many things my dad did in Vietnam that he regretted for the rest of his life. And he even went as far as to tell me that he felt haunted by ghosts of the lives of people he took. And so a lot of trauma, and a lot of grief in his life. And, and so that’s part of my process. You know, when I spend time thinking about my dad now is like, bringing that into a lot of the thoughts of like, Well, my dad was really carrying a lot. And so it kind of makes sense that he was emotionally distant from myself, my sister, my brother, and just couldn’t really be an emotionally supportive father.

Victoria Volk 39:26
I’m glad the conversation went here because I feel like anger is such a deeply rooted emotion and in the experience of your father not being around or being an alcoholic, or you know, it’s really easy to just think about your own pain, and be stuck in your own anger. But I think what this conversation is bringing to light is that, first of all, we all have struggles. And secondly, none of us come with a manual with our parents and or as parents, or children don’t come with manuals. And thirdly, I think it helps to bring some compassion to the pain, not only your own pain, but to the pain of the person who was struggling, who maybe wasn’t capable, who didn’t have the tools and the knowledge and, and have, how to grieve emulated for them. And so this is how cycles continue. And that’s why I was asking you how your grief was manifesting, but you had Warren, then that one decision of your mom to bring Warren into your life changed your life, the trajectory of your life, most likely. And so, so many of our lives, the unfolding of our lives comes down to choice. And my father was in Vietnam, he slept with a knife underneath his mattress, and died at the age of 44 of colon cancer. I know he has had grief. And so I just feel like I think it helps to soothe our grief. If we can look at the person were grieving, or the even less than loving relationship, maybe with just a little bit compassion.

Reid Peterson 41:13
I agree, Victoria.

Victoria Volk 41:16
Is there anything else you would like to share?

Reid Peterson 41:20
Well, you mentioned the thing about choices. And what’s interesting is, sometimes when I go into the story of war, specifically, the loss of Warren, I sometimes say I’ve grieved the loss of two physical deaths of fathers, but also for different types of relationships. And so with my dad, it was the relationship I had, I grieve that, but also the longing for something more emotionally supportive. And then with Warren, I aggrieved the relation type of relationship we had, but as an adult, I look back and I realize, wow, Warren was such a special person, and such an important person in my life, that should I had the opportunity, or I had the opportunity to make choices to open up to him more. And so it’s not regret, I don’t identify as regret, but it’s almost like, Oh, if I were to go back and do it over again, like, I would have, I would have shared more with Warren, about my life. And so I also agreed that too, and, and it’s, it’s really, it’s bittersweet, honestly, for me, because I, I so appreciate what Warren and I had in our relationship together. But at the same time, I’m like, oh, okay, that’s, that’s the thing where, like, there could have been some, just great, great experiences, like even more so than what we already experienced. Had I been had I made the choice to be a little bit more open with him.

Victoria Volk 42:59
That’s good. And I think I, I mean, really, Grief can keep us stuck in our, our shell, right. And, like you said, you’re a highly sensitive person identify the same and so when you think of a turtle, how it just tucks into its shell, or a dog puts its tail between its legs, it’s, you know, grief is very heavy, if you can feel very heavy. And then if you’re highly sensitive, and then just the heaviness of the world, right, it’s really easy to isolate yourself, and but we lose a lot of connection in doing that. And so, I think grief also has a way to crack US Open too, so sure does. So where can people reach you if they’d like to learn more about you your work and the grief refuge app and you have a podcast as well?

Reid Peterson 43:46
That’s true. Yeah. Well, we’re all branded under grief refuge. So the simplest thing to do is just visit grief. refuge.com and go from there.

Victoria Volk 43:55
Okay, I will put the link to the show in the show notes for that. Thank you so much for being my guest and for the work that you’re bringing to the world. And I appreciate you.

Reid Peterson 44:08
Thank you so much, Victoria. Again, I’m grateful for a meaningful conversation.

Victoria Volk 44:13
And remember, when you unleash your hearts, you unleash your life. Much love.