Educational, Grieving Voices Podcast, solo episode |
National Grief Awareness Week | Facts, Stats, and Grief in the Workplace
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
December 2nd-8th is National Grief Awareness Week. So, I thought I would do what I do best, and that is to bring attention to grief education. The better prepared and educated we are about grief, the more connected, empathetic, and patient we become.
In this week’s episode, I will share facts, statistics, and insights about grief. Some of what you’ll hear has never been shared on the podcast. You’ll learn staggering statistics that even caught me by surprise!
Additionally, workplace grief is a common challenge within companies, and if you are a business owner with employees, a CEO, or an employee, this is an episode for you! And it’s also an episode I hope you share with your manager, HR, or griever you know.
With someone dying in the United States every 11.14 seconds, there are a lot of grieving people out there, and my phone should be ringing off the hook. However, it’s not, and I share my theory on why in this episode.
Please tune in next week, where I’ll keep the National Grief Awareness Week education coming with a podcast about Grief and the Holidays.
RESOURCES:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk: Hello. Hello. Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. I am your host, Victoria V of The Unleashed Heart, and today is the first of two episodes for National Grief Awareness Week. And this episode is going to be about just facts and statistics and some insights around grief. And particularly, I’m going to end with talking about grief in the workplace. So just some basic general facts about grief.
Victoria Volk: Grief is a universal experience. It is something that everyone will encounter at some point. It is the natural response to loss, not just limited to death, but also to significant life changes such as divorce, job loss, or major relocations, for example. And if you’ve never listened to a podcast of mine that talks about different examples, there are more than forty plus different losses that we can have, which include intangible losses such as loss of safety, loss of security, loss of trust.
Victoria Volk: Grief is also an individualized process. Each person experiences grief in their own unique way, and there is no one size fits all approach to grieving, and individuals may go through the process at different rates. It’s why you have some people that appear to be fine after two, three, four years. And why you see some people still struggling after, like myself, after thirty years. And it’s not that the people who appear to be fine at your three or four or five, it’s that maybe they’ve just gotten really good at coping. Or maybe they’ve done some really deep work and they’ve really worked on their grief and that’s why they are in a healthier place in their lives. But don’t assume that just because someone appears fine that they are. Because there is no timeline. This is another fact of grief. There is no timeline. It doesn’t follow a linear timeline. And the traditional stages of grief that we hear about such as denial, anger, bargaining depression, and acceptance are not experienced in a fixed order, and individuals may revisit these stages multiple times. And In fact, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross never intended these fight these stages of grief to even apply to death. It was through her work in working with terminally ill patients that she found that these are the emotions really and things that those individuals go through, which many grievers do too, but that wasn’t the intention of her work.
Victoria Volk: And I’ve actually had Ken Ross, her son on my podcast, which I can link to in the show notes, but she even stated herself that that wasn’t the intention of that work. In the memoir she wrote before she passed. Also, grief has a physical and emotional impact. It can have both physical and emotional effects that can manifest into physical symptoms like fatigue, changes in appetite, trouble sleeping, and emotional aspects such as sadness, anger, guilt or, or even numbness. Their cultural variations and religious beliefs that significantly influence how individuals express and cope with grief as well. Different cultures have unique morning rituals and traditions that will shape their grieving process. As I kind of mentioned earlier with the loss of trust and safety and security, these are what we would call maybe secondary losses. Such as loss of also routine, social connections, and sense of security. These additional losses can complicate the grieving process immensely.
Victoria Volk: Another fact of grief is that grieving children will present differently than adults. And may not always express their grief verbally. They may show their grief through changes in behavior, school, performance, or through play. Now, yes, they may grieve differently than adults, but a lot of the things that say adults resort to to feel better you’ll find that teenagers do as well, such as shopping or drinking drugs or relationships.
Victoria Volk: Another fact of grief is that it grief has experienced differently at various stages of life. Children, adolescents, adults, and the elderly have unique ways of coping with an understanding loss. And truly, this really depends on what you learned as a child and how you will cope and express your grief. If you didn’t learn how to do so as a child, you will resort to what you learned as an adult, and especially as a child who experiences grief, for example myself, where you grow up with it, it will express differently over time.
Victoria Volk: Another fact of grief is that feelings of guilt and regret are very common. Individuals may struggle with unresolved issues or unfulfilled wishes leading to a complex emotional landscape, and this is the crux of grief. This is honestly what we address through grief recovery, not just feelings of guilt and regret, but these all of the complex emotional feelings that are what keep us stuck in holding on to our pain.
Victoria Volk: And also, another fact of grief is that support is crucial. Having a support system is crucial and navigating grief. Friends, family, and support groups or professional counselors like myself can provide comfort and understanding during the grieving process.
Victoria Volk: Another fact is that, prolonged or complicated, I’ll put that in quotations, “complicated grief” can contribute to mental health issues such as depression or anxiety. This is where seeking professional help is important for those who find it challenging to cope with their grief. Now when we say coping with your grief, I would have you reflect for a moment or two on how you believe you are coping? And do you believe that that is a healthy coping mechanism. I’ve worked with a client who works diligently at her work and in her life and very high performing and running is her thing. She runs ultra-marathons and she realized in working with me and learning about grief that that was her escape. She was using running as a coping mechanism, as escapism. And so even these healthy things or these things that appear to be healthy and productive can be unhealthy. We’re not sitting with our feelings. We’re not giving ourselves in our heart space that time to work through and process. We’re escaping. Our minds are very creative in finding ways to do so.
Victoria Volk: And finally, while grief is a challenging experience, many individuals find ways to grow and develop resilience through the process. So, resiliency and growth is possible. Grief can lead to personal growth. Increased empathy and a deeper appreciation for life. But you’re not gonna find that if you don’t get off the couch, if you don’t get out of the bed, you just won’t. It’s not gonna come knocking on your door. You have to go after it. This is why I’m so passionate about the work that I do. This is why I’m so passionate about this podcast. And sharing this information week after week and bringing others people stories to you because they didn’t lay in decay. They got off the couch. They got out of the bed. This is what we need to do. This is the work. That is the work. It’s not to keep on going and just sweep it under the rug. It’s to keep on going by doing the work. Grief Recovery is the work. One of my clients she said that. That was her revelation to me was that, she always heard that you have to do the work and she’s like, what what’s the work? What is the work? No one actually says what the work is. And after grief recovery said, this is the work.
Victoria Volk: I wanna shift gears a little bit and just talk about share some statistics about grief. These are particular to the United States. While I can provide general insights, and the most recent statistics, it is important to note that specific statistics about grief can vary and will change over time, so depending when you’re listening to this, it may be irrelevant. But additionally, grief is a deeply personal and subjective experience and we just can’t quantify all aspects. But here are some general observations and statistics related to grief in the United States.
Victoria Volk: Did you know that there is actually website. The United States deaths clock, I will put a link in the show notes, but I was actually quite surprised that there’s such a website and that this exists. But on there, it states that a person dies approximately every eleven point one four seconds. There are two million eight hundred and thirty thousand six hundred and eighty-eight deaths per year, seven thousand seven hundred and fifty-five deaths per day, three hundred and twenty-three people will have died within the hour of you listening to this. Seventeen deaths on average per day in my own home state of North Dakota, and the leading causes of death include heart disease, cancer, unintentional injuries, chronic lower respiratory diseases and more.
Victoria Volk: Let these stats sink in. Every eleven point one four seconds a person dies in the United States. Think about all of those families left behind and the grieving’s left. My phone should be ringing off the hook. However, I understand why it’s not, and it goes back to the six myths of grief I’ve spoken about many times on this podcast. I will link to that episode and the show notes that because that may resonate with you and maybe help you understand why you may not have reached out for support.
Victoria Volk: Another fact of grief is that the National Alliance for Grieving Children as estimates that over four point eight million children in adolescence in the US will experience the death of a parent. My hand is raised, that is me. Although when I was a grieving child, there was no other child in my class. I don’t even know in elementary put together if that experienced the death of a parent. So I was very much alone in my grief in that time.
But of course, a parent doesn’t have to die. I mean, many children are experiencing their parents’ divorce. Where there is a parent that doesn’t live in the same area or their parents are estranged. And maybe they don’t even have their father or their mother in their life at all, and that can be equally devastating for a child.
Victoria Volk: I wanna shift gears to grief in the workplace. The grief recovery institute reports that grieving employees may experience difficulty concentrating, decision-making and productivity. I’ll share more grief stats in the workplace in just a moment, but finally, there are types of grief that are talked about such as this is another fact of grief talking about complicated grief. You may have heard that term where it’s a condition where the grieving process is significantly prolonged and severe. Estimates suggest that a small percentage of individuals may experience complicated grief. However, in my opinion, grief is grief. Grief that is lasting thirty-plus years is still grief. Labeling it as quote, complicated grief because it’s still impacting a grieber after a certain amount of time has passed does nothing to help a griever move forward. What people fail to understand is that grief will forever create feelings of sadness. However, it’s the pain associated with the grief that keeps people in emotional jail. As grievers, we get comfortable with the pain and resist releasing it for fear of any other awareness or inner work that will be needed to move forward. What comes next feels too uncertain and unknown this causes grievers to feel overwhelmed and that recovery from the pain is impossible.
Victoria Volk: So After hearing these general insights in these facts, I wanna share facts directly related to grief in the workplace considering this will affect nearly every single adult listening, whether you work for someone else, or you run your own company, this information will apply. Grief can significantly impact the workplace affecting both employees and employers. In the United States alone, grief-related losses and productivity may cost companies as much as one hundred billion dollars annually. The twenty twenty-two cost of dying report showed how much time and energy families spent dealing with the death of a loved one and the burden it placed on them. The results revealed a crisis of attention, time and energy. On average, settling a loved one’s affairs took thirteen months, twenty months if the estate went through probate. And cost more than twelve thousand dollars. For grievers, something has to give and often it’s work performance.
Victoria Volk: And while comprehensive statistics might vary, here are some general insights and stats related to grief in the workplace. As I mentioned, there’s a loss of productivity due to difficulty concentrating, decision-making challenges and emotional distress. According to the Grief Recovery Institute, grieving employees can cost companies billions of dollars annually in lost productivity. That is that hundred billion dollars I mentioned. Grief can lead to increased absenteeism as employees take time off to cope with their loss and attend funeral services. A study published in the Journal of Organizational Behavior found a positive correlation between grief and absenteeism. I mean, are we even surprised? I mean, truly, the grieving process can impact the individual experiencing a loss in their coworkers who may be asked to do more to compensate for the loss productivity of a grieving coworker. Coworkers may experience empathy fatigue or emotional exhaustion as they support grieving colleagues or may experience guilt not knowing what to do or how to respond to the grief of a coworker. They may even develop resentment.
Victoria Volk: A survey by the grief recovery institute found that a significant number of employees feel their employers are ill-equipped to handle grief in the workplace. Employers who are supportive and understanding in the face of employee grief may foster a more positive work environment. Some companies have implemented grief support programs, counseling services or employee assistance programs to help employees cope with loss.
Victoria Volk: According to a survey by the International Foundation of Employee Benefit Plans. About eighty percent of employers offer EAPs or employee assistant programs which may include grief counseling, which may include grief counseling, by the way. Not all workplaces have formal bereavement policies and the length of bereavement leave varies among companies such as, say, some as short as a few days. Some studies suggest that longer bereavement leave periods may be a so aid with better mental health outcomes for grieving employees. Grieving employees may be at a higher risk for developing mental health issues such as depression or anxiety. And addressing mental health concerns in the workplace, including grief-related issues, is gaining recognition as an essential aspect of employee well-being. Providing training for managers to recognize and respond appropriately to grieving employees is becoming more common in progressive workplaces as well. So we’re seeing progress and there is hope.
Victoria Volk: If you’re a manager or an employer, I want to give you some things to say to a grieving employee and what not to say. So things to say to a grieving employee. Often when a coworker reach turns to work after the death of a lockdown, we don’t know what to say, so we don’t say anything. But staying silent can make the grieving coworker feel isolated. So for example, show empathy. Say something like I’m glad you are back and we’re here for you. Or we can’t change what happened, but if there’s anything we can do to make your life easier, know that we are all here for you. You can acknowledge that grief is ongoing. Say something like, how are you today? Is better than, how are you? It allows people to answer honestly beyond just responding I’m fine. Show up with a specific offer. And make it clear that it’s okay if the person wants to decline, such as I’m in the lobby if you want to talk. I will be here for the next hour whether you come down or not. Take cues from the griever. You can say something like, I’d love to hear more about your loved one whenever that might be convenient for you. I want to respect your privacy.
Victoria Volk: And these are some things not to say. While well intended, these phrases focus on trying to make the loss go away rather than acknowledging its magnitude. Five phrases to avoid when talking with a colleague who has just lost a loved one. You are going to be fine. You’re still young so you can still have another child and get married again. For example, he or she is in a better place. Everything happens for a reason. Time heals everything. These are not helpful. And so please refer back to these if you find yourself in this situation and maybe say it to a friend or if it’s a coworker, This is information that you can share with those you know too to help them know what to say and what not to say.
Victoria Volk: I wanna move forward with talking about bereavement time because it is recommended that employers provide at least twenty days of bereavement leave for close family members. However, only four days is the average bereavement leave allotted for the death of a spouse or a child. Whereas three days is the average time off given for the loss of a parent, grandparent, domestic partner, sibling, grandchild, or foster child. For employees who have closed familial bonds, it can be helpful when bereavement leave is available for the deaths of relatives outside the immediate family. You can’t put a value on people’s feelings toward one another based solely on their relationship on the family tree. So it is essential for employers to be aware of the potential impact of grief on the workplace and to consider implementing supportive policies and programs. Keep in mind that the experience of grief is highly individual and workplaces should approach these matters with empathy and flexibility. Two areas companies can address today is rethinking bereavement leave policies and to address brief illiteracy by bringing in an educator like myself or in making grief training a part of HR onboarding. When loss inevitably happens and affects your team and colleagues, they will feel more confident and clear about how to collaborate and communicate with each other if they’re provided with the correct information and tools.
Victoria Volk: I hope that this information has been helpful if you are an employer and even if you are an employee, share it with your manager. This is something that affects the company as a whole and their bottom line. So this is a societal problem. This is an everyone issue. Grief is an everyone issue because it does affect everyone. I thank you for tuning in during this National Grief Awareness Week into this episode. Did you find any of the facts or stats alarming or surprising? Have you personally experienced challenges related to grief as a manager or employee? Please share your thoughts on social media. I’d love to keep the conversation going. I hope you come back for next week’s episode, where I’ll conclude National Grief Awareness Week by talking about grief and the holidays. And until then, remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Cancer, Child Loss, Grieving Voices Guest, Grieving Voices Podcast, Parenting, Podcast |
Karla Helbert | My Son, Theo, Is Always With Me
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Society will often say to bereaved parents (or guardians), “I cannot imagine your loss…” when expressing their sympathy. However, these words can feel like a thousand paper cuts to the bereaved because, if they’re anything like my guest, Karla, they want you to imagine, even briefly. As Karla shares in this week’s episode, we are all capable of using our imagination; however, when it comes to child loss, no one wants to imagine it. Karla herself never imagined she would experience such a loss in her life. And today, her beloved Theo would be 18 and off to college.
Theo means “God,” and Karla never imagined how much her spiritual life would suffer when Theo was diagnosed at three months old with a brain tumor and died six months later. She needed God and her spiritual practice more than ever during that time, and yet all of the tools and teachings in her toolbox through her therapy practice, yoga, aromatherapy, and more were of no interest to her; she wanted nothing to do with any of it. That is until she was ready to face the one unimaginable loss she could not change.
Through this episode and Karla’s story, you’ll learn two important lessons her grief taught her, as well as her insights around balancing the fear of the world and something bad happening with living, and in particular, the challenges parents with other living children face after already burying one child.
We also talk about how her practice evolved with her grief and how it’s also enabled her to sit with other grievers, including other bereaved parents and guardians, in their pain.
When unimaginable loss happens, every aspect of our lives takes a hit. But when our spiritual life is bruised, finding meaning, which Karla explains is very personal, can be the fuel needed to get up in the morning and keep moving.
Karla lives her life with one thought: to live a life that would make Theo proud.
May we all strive to live our lives to honor our departed loved ones – in even the smallest of ways. 💛
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NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk: Thank you for tuning in to another episode of Grieving Voices. Today, my guest is Karla Helbert. She is a licensed professional counselor, internationally certified yoga therapist, compassionate bereavement care provider, certified yoga instructor, certified hypnotherapist, reiki practitioner, and an award-winning author. Her life changed when her firstborn child died of a brain tumor in two thousand six. Carlos Therapy Practice has a focus on loss, grief, and bereavement, working in particular with those affected by trauma and traumatic death. She is also the author of Yoga for Grief and Loss, The Shakras and Grief and Trauma, and Finding Your Own Way to Grieve a creative activity workbook for kids and teens on the autism spectrum. It’s a mouthful
Karla Helbert: Fill up.
Victoria Volk: And that’s amazing because I often see that even for myself personally, grief can either crack us wide open and, like, have us go down all these different paths that we never imagined, or it can really take us down in our lives and devastate every aspect of our lives. And we never meet our potential. We never see our potential, and we don’t take chances on ourselves and go after these things that are not only healing for us in the process, but also bring healing to other people, and that’s exactly what you’ve done through your grief and experience. And so I do have questions. But, often, like, even for myself with certifications and things, like, what came first? And I know that you were a therapist for many years before your son passed, but can you describe how things shifted for you with that experience? And share about your son too, please. Yeah, sure.
Karla Helbert: Yeah, sure. And when you were talking about, well, we can either be devastated or we can have this potential, there’s like this huge spectrum and you can be any place on the spectrum at all sorts of times because it’s certainly I mean, when your child dies. And there’s lots of other catastrophic losses. But anytime you have trauma and grief intersecting, it can be really devastating. So there was a lot of devastation. And I will say, I think that I was really fortunate just to being me. And I felt like I cannot turn away from this, like I had to be in it, I had to feel it, and I had to do something with that energy. And I think that’s a a big part of it when I work with other people or when you see situations where people are not growing in their grief or developing because it is really a developmental process and when you’re not being nurtured and supported and having that really fertile ground where to put your roots down so that you can then grow people often don’t. And it’s not always their fault. I hear like, oh, the choice. There are choices to be made sure. But also when you’re in a situation where you don’t have the personal strength maybe to stand up and say no, I’m not gonna accept this notion that I’m supposed to be somewhere other than I am or that I have to subscribe to the five stages, which we don’t really have to get into that, but it’s so permeated in our culture that we’re supposed to somehow lend the early follow these stages, and they’re not linear at all, and I know you know that, and get to the place of acceptance. And that means so many different things to people and also people don’t know. I didn’t know.
Karla Helbert: I took a whole semester long. I think that just makes me laugh. Elective course in counseling and death and dying and grief and bereavement in grad school. And when it happened to me, I still was sitting there going am I going through the stages like I’m supposed to? Am I fitting in like I’m am I grieving like I’m supposed to? And I just had this moment of like, what why they’re supposed to and that notion of acceptance at the end of the line makes some people just feel it’s insulting and like you’re supposed to there’s no such thing that closure. There’s no place where you’re done with this. And if you can’t understand that and integrate it and then stand in that truth for yourself and what it means, you often feel to squash down and if you are not behaving and responding, like, our culture says you should in grief, which is ridiculous, the expectations that are placed on grieving people, then you tend to just sort of keep it to yourself and then you have these emotions like shame, and that increases your sense of isolation and you don’t share and you don’t grow. And if you don’t have access to support and help and the nurturing and the love and all those things that go along with appropriate and healthy development then you might not reach those places. Like, there’s no, we hear a lot too right now in our in our world about post-traumatic growth it’s not a promise. And it’s also not a contest. And I know I’ve done a lot of stuff. But it wasn’t immediate. I mean, it took me a long time to sort of unfold that process.
Karla Helbert: I was a therapist. And primarily, I mean, I was working in a private school with kids and teenagers, with autism, and other developmental disabilities, which were co-occurring with lists of mental health diagnoses, but severe behavioral challenges. And I did that for a long time. And then my son died in two thousand six of a brain tumor, and he was a baby. And that was just a whole the whole thing from the moment of the diagnosis through his illness and the surgeries and the treatments and his death, it was just horrific. And then he died. And I thought because I had a lot of time. Well, we had five months between the time we decided to withdraw treatment, and he went home, and we had amazing support from pediatric hospice. But I thought oh, I’m gonna handle this better because I’ve had all this time to get used to it. And I’m grateful for the time I had. I mean, I certainly know many people people who do not have time. And it’s just this sudden thing that happens when you’re in immediate shock and it’s very difficult to even process. I had the opportunity to plan what I wanted for his funeral. I was able to be with him. I was able to had a lot of processing through those times. But when he died, like, I had no idea what it was gonna be like. I was plunged into this, like, depth of despair and everything I thought was true about the universe and my belief system was just like and I did not know what to do or how to put it back together. And I started taking because I maintain my license and we need to have CEUs. I decided, well, I’m gonna try to learn about grief. I’m gonna try to learn how to figure this out for myself. It wasn’t because I wasn’t gonna be a great therapist. And for me, support groups were incredibly helpful. I’m still I’m involved with the MISS Foundation, which we’re a nonprofit organization that supports families after the death of a child. And I was fortunate enough to have had a group already here. A lot of people think that I started the chapter in Richmond, but I did not where I live. And I went to the group. Every time they were meeting. And when the facilitator at the time found out I was a therapist, she wanted me to help her run the group and at first, I really didn’t want to because I was like, if I do that, I’ll have I won’t have space. But, like, two years in, I thought I can do it. I’ve gotten so much help. I know I can do this, and so I did. And then from there, I started doing some groups with local hospices and those people were asking me, do you have a private therapy practice that we can meet with you? And I did not. I was still working in private schools. But when my daughter who was born two years after my son died, which is about when I started facilitating those groups, went to preschool, I had time. So that was like four years in that I actually started a part-time therapy practice. And started writings and things as well. I mean, I’ve always written things, but for other people to read. Although I did keep a blog throughout his illness and wrote a memoir which has never been published and I don’t know that it will. I don’t feel like I need to at this point. But I hear a lot of people feeling when they come to me that they’re not doing enough, that they need to do something big. And really, like that whole idea of the tree and your roots, a lot of people when they go through something like this immediately want to just jump into this huge project, which is okay because you have a lot of energy to put into things, but it’s also not giving you a chance to establish your own roots and see, like, what you need. And so some people can’t, like, they can do both at the same time. But a lot of times, it’s just overwhelming. And for me, like, I did it just sort of unfolded. It was not a plan. It wasn’t a thing that I said I was gonna do and that’s just how my journey has been. Although, I will say, the yoga piece of everything I do, I started my yoga teacher training before I was ever pregnant with him. And those skills really helped me through a lot of that journey. Although when he died, they felt useless.
Karla Helbert: So I had to sort of integrate that and figure out, like, well, when I wrote the Yoga for Grieving Lockbook, it really came from me spending a lot of time and looking back and seeing how all the skills that I had learned really were supporting me through all of that, and I just didn’t realize it. Like, yoga is a lot of people think that it’s depositors, and it’s so much more than that. Which is what the book is really about is the takes the branches of yoga each chapter is about a different branch of yoga and talked about how the tools within each of those branches are really incredibly helpful in grief. And the yoga postures are like this much of it. They’re only part of two of the different brands of the yoga. And the rest of it or it’s philosophy, its spiritual practice, it’s meditation, it’s self-inquiry and awareness, it’s a lot of different things that I realized later, really were carrying me through. So I’m not sure I answered your question. But it for me, that whole journey of becoming and I’m still doing it, still unfolding was a slow thing. It was not a planned thing. It’s just kind of how I ended up getting to know my own grief better. And for me, the motivation because that’s when we talk about finding meaning or creating meaning, that’s such a personal thing. And if something you have to explore on your own for me, the overall motivation is you have to help people, but I was already doing that. It’s really to me creating a life and living a life that my son would be proud of. And sort of doing things in his honor even though I don’t even really, like, talk about it so much, but it is the motivation behind what I’m doing.
Victoria Volk: What is his name?
Karla Helbert: His name. Everybody mostly knows if it’s Theo, but his name is Felinious Luther Helbert.
Victoria Volk: That’s beautiful.
Karla Helbert: It’s a big mouthful. But that Thelonious Monk, my husband is a huge fan of Thelonious Monk and the whole time I was pregnant, I really thought, well, not the whole time. Until I got the twenty-week ultrasound, I really was sure that he was a girl. And so I had only thought of girl names, and I was like, when I found out he was a boy, first of all, weird. I don’t even have a penis inside you, like, twenty-four hours. Sounds like Oh My God, I really have to adjust my thinking around it weird. And I didn’t know what to call him and we were looking at an album cover and I thought that’s a cool thing. Well then, what about Thelonious? And my husband was thrilled with that. And my dad’s name is Luther, and his father’s name is Luther. So that was his middle name. Mhmm.
Victoria Volk: Oh, it’s beautiful. Right.
Karla Helbert: Everybody mostly called him Theo
Victoria Volk: And you had shared that he would be eighteen now.
Karla Helbert: He would be eighteen now.
Victoria Volk: When was his for when will his eighteenth birthday be or when was it?
Karla Helbert: Well, it passed till this coming year, his birthday is on May Twenty-sixth Twenty Twenty-Four, it will be nineteen years. And he died nine months old. He wasn’t a year old. He didn’t live to see his first birthday. So the death date when we get there in February will be eighteen years that he’s been dead, but then nineteen years of his birthday following way though.
Victoria Volk: And when I hear something cocky?
Karla Helbert: Crazy for me to think about that sometimes, they’ll just tell me.
Victoria Volk: So my son, his name is Xavier John, and his due date was May twenty-six two thousand five, but he was born May twenty-fourth.
Karla Helbert: Oh, wow.
Victoria Volk: So we were pregnant at the exact same time.
Karla Helbert: Oh my goodness.
Victoria Volk: And gave birth around the exact same time.
Karla Helbert: Wow. That’s amazing.
Victoria Volk: Yeah. That’s never happened before in an interview. So
Karla Helbert: Wow.
Victoria Volk: I know it. So
Karla Helbert: Thank you so much for sharing that with me.
Victoria Volk: And thank you for sharing you didn’t mention it, but the Reiki, how has that served you in learning? Because I know how beneficial that has been for me just to learn about energy at self in the energy of emotions? Can you yeah
Karla Helbert: Oh, yes for sure. And emotions are energy. Mhmm. Absolutely. Well, you know, everything is energy. But it’s interesting because I’m trying to think of when it was one time and then, like, late nineties. A group of my friends all went to go get Reiki trained. And it’s totally a thing that I would be down with. I mean, I am, but they asked me to go and I didn’t do it. I just I don’t know. I really can’t remember why I said no. Because it sounds like a thing I would be like, oh, yeah. Let’s I wanna do that with y’all, but I didn’t. And I was the only one out of this group of friends that I hung out with a lot that didn’t do the Reiki training at the time. And they were all coming and breaking me afterwards. And I was like, oh, cool. And I just, like, let it go. And I really think it’s because I was gonna need it a lot more later.
Karla Helbert: But so in twenty thirteen, I guess, I went another thing that I’ve been really interested in for many years is essential oil and aromatherapy. I’m not a certified aromatherapist I’ve been working with them for a long since nineteen ninety. And a friend of mine said, oh, there’s this weekend workshop about a Aroma therapist, but aroma therapy for therapists do you want to go? And I thought, well, okay. And so for me, a lot of things after he died, just I’ve always been a very spiritual person. I always call myself spiritually promiscuous. Like
Victoria Volk: I love that.
Karla Helbert: Sort of, like, avenues and studying different religions and paths and stupid interested in so many ways. Like, I really believe that the yoga that I’m trained in, which is integral yoga, our motto is truth is one and path are many, and I absolutely believe that. So I’ve learned a lot about a lot of different things over many years. But when he died, it was like none of that meant anything. It was just that loss of my spiritual self. It’s still makes me cry. I was just like, who am I now? And the only thing that really helped me then was I and I’m again fortunate in this because I’ve worked with lots of people who say that they cannot. They hear all these things about signs and connection and communications and they don’t have it and they can’t feel their children or their other loved ones and but I knew he was around. I knew he was there. I couldn’t believe in anything else. It was all gone, but I could believe in that. And I could talk to him until the o means god, sort of male, like, okay. Well, if he’s around and I feel that, then somewhere, there must still be this divine presence. I just don’t know where it is. It was truly this dark night of the soul space. A feeling disconnected totally separate from that source. It was awful. I stopped doing yoga, the awesomeness. I did chant. That was one of the things that got me through chanting, and just being taking a lot of bath, a lot. But so many things that were who I was just were gone. And I had hundreds of dollars in essential oils. Just hundreds and hundreds just sitting on a shelf doing nothing with them. Because for me, that was also part of my virtual practice, like using them in a spiritual way and in ritual and add mixing them together and potions really, but, like, ways that for me, like, really carried the energies of the plant. And I just didn’t want anything to do with it. I would put lavender on a cotton ball vacuum. That was about it. But I said, well, okay, I’ll go to this thing with you. And it was like a turning point for me. It was really really what I needed in that moment. And the two women who were putting it together the wrong therapist was named Katiebugs. And I love her and she and I became really close over the years and she’s become like a mentor and the other woman, Barbara Davis, is a licensed therapist and also a Reiki Master. And that’s the first time I met her and she became a really important person for me and I thought, okay, it was funny because at that weekend workshop, mostly everybody there were, like, bodyworkers and acupuncturists and massage therapists me and one other person were psychotherapists, and it was like, I don’t even have them in the right place, but we had to learn some certain acupressure points and work with the oils and work with people. And one person I was working with that, are you a reiki person and I was like, no. And she said, are you sure? And I was like, well, I’m pretty sure. She said, but I can feel the energy in your hand. And then I said, oh, okay. And then I looked into it more after that and went to train with Barb Davis. And it really helped me regain a spiritual connection and a spiritual practice. And I think had I done it all those years ago with my friends that wouldn’t have happened. And I think something in me or something in the universe just new, the right time for this is gonna be later. And so that was in twenty fourteen. I did my reiki training level one, level two, and worked with it on myself a lot. And on some clients, but I didn’t really, like, get into really using reiki with a lot of other people until the pandemic. And to my reiki master level in twenty twenty or maybe twenty twenty one. It might have been, like, right at the change of the year. And started working with it differently in a way different way. I mean, for people who are who under who know about Ricky, I would use punchalization in and send it decently, like, just a prayer list? Like, I’m sending this to you. I’m sending but I didn’t start working decently with people really in session until the pandemic when we I was doing the master level and working with it in that way because I really couldn’t wasn’t seeing people in person. And it was a profound experience. And many people that I’ve worked with distantly have said, the feedback from them is even more powerful than what you get in person, which has been an interesting experience for me.
Karla Helbert: And then last year, I started teaching some people. I haven’t done tons of it, but it is incredibly powerful experience every time I do a reiki training and the right people show up. You know, once you are supposed to be there in that moment and the groups are just so cohesive and they stay in touch, and it’s just really interesting. But that part, I think that weekend was really I’m gonna know because I can feel the difference. Really profound. And then from there, the reiki journey started. And I’m really grateful for it because I think it wouldn’t have been the same. Had I done it earlier. I can’t know for sure but
Victoria Volk: Mhmm. Well, and I had similar experience, although I did my reiki master, I think, twenty nineteen. And then I did Corona Holy Fire Rakey Master. And then I phoned biofield tuning, which is his tuning fork, so I got certified in that. And so, yeah, it’s what I’ve heard you saying up to all this point is that it’s like when the student is ready, the teacher appears. Right? And it’s being open to receiving what it is that is there for you to learn about yourself, about healing, about whatever it is that is peeking your curiosity. And where I think people come into our lives too just to nudge us like they’re brought into our lives to nudge us and then we might not ever see them again or speak to them again. I’ve had so many instances of that one off conversations that just, like, change the trajectory of my life sometimes. I’ve published a book because of one off conversation with someone. It’s been bizarre. Yeah. And I think the message that I want people to hear and what you were sharing is that to be open, really, it’s important to be open to support and be open to the nudges and to getting out of your comfort zone. Because I think we can become very comfortable with our suffering too.
Karla Helbert: Oh, yeah. I think you’re right. That’s true. And then it’s scared to what is it that the devil? It’s easier to stay somewhere than to face the fear of something that’s different. And it is scary. And I think I’ll stay often to people in grief. We often feel like we don’t we don’t wanna move. We don’t wanna literally go out. We don’t want to do anything. And I’ll say, go when people ask you to do something, drive your own car so you can leave, but try. And just yesterday, I was talking to a friend of mine and we’re planning a webinar, and we’re talking about just, like, basic tips. And I said, you know, when somebody that you love and trust sent to you. Let’s go take a walk or maybe you should take a shower. Just listen to do it. Just do it. You just never know how one little thing might really shift how you’re feeling in a moment. And sometimes, just taking a shower can really, like, change how you’re feeling or going out and walking around the block and getting some sunlight. I mean, those things are so basic. But so important. And especially really early on when you’re in those spaces of devastation, we often don’t want to do anything. You don’t care to take care of yourself. Like I talk a lot about self-compassion, and self-care. And when you’re in those places, you don’t care to have compassion for yourself or take care of yourself. And so really, you’re right. Like, that just do it anyway. Like, just take this moment and listen when somebody gives you a little bit of a nudge. Because you don’t know how just this one little shift can change the energy of your emotion. Because as we said before, emotions or energy. And I’ve shared many times that word emotion comes from the Latin verb, a move air, which means to move. Emotions are supposed to move. We’re not supposed to just, like, hold them tight and just But I know because when you’re in pain, like physical pain, you just don’t wanna move, but everybody knows if you don’t move that arm that’s hurt, it’s gonna freeze up. You have to take those little steps to allow on an emotional level, also the pain to move. It doesn’t mean you’re gonna be fixed or cured or you’re not gonna grieve do grief stays with us forever? I mean I was just I can if I talk to you about it, it’s right there. It doesn’t go away. I just now am strong enough to carry it that building your emotional muscle and all of those things are energetically motivated, but it includes the physical aspects too of taking a shower, going for the walk, taking the chances and having lunch with a friend. And it’s scary because we don’t know you don’t know from one minute to the next sometimes seconds, what’s gonna just bring you to your knees any moment. A song, a look, a kid that looks like your kid or you never know and they’re everywhere, these dangers. And if you don’t make the effort to become strong enough to handle them when they show up. You never leave that safe safe circle it’s how your world gets smaller and smaller. And I don’t think that’s a good way to live. Mean, I can’t I’ve had conversations where people say, well, who are you to say? I’m I can it’s my business if I wanna keep my world that small. You’re right? You know, that’s true. You can’t ever make anybody do anything. But I don’t want to live in a little tiny box. Know, so in order to be able to expand, you have to, as you say, be keep being curious. You’re curious about something. Go find out. Like, curiosity is a very healthy place to be always.
Victoria Volk: And that’s the hardest thing I think when being, like, on the therapeutic side of it or renew assisting others in grief And for a long time, I just felt this like, I just wanted to, like, help everybody. Right? And you can only help those that really are ready to help themselves who are ready to be open, right, to the support. And that was the hardest part for me when I first started this my work of working with grievers too is being on the other side of it. Right? Like, you just you just wanna bring everybody with you. Like, there is hope. There is support. There is a path forward. There is joy and happiness waiting for you.
Karla Helbert: It’s hard believe sometimes, I mean, I remember vividly being in the space of thinking, okay, well, I’m never gonna feel joy again. I guess that’s alright. I mean, I’ve had little kind of burst of oh, I feel happy for a minute. That’s okay. I mean, I had accepted that was weird when that first happened, but I’m never gonna feel joy again. I mean, who knew? You can. It’s not and so, you know, the for me, the most profound thing was really real. And it was did not happen overnight. Is being able to hold grief alongside other emotions. And it’s hard to do because grief, especially traumatic grievance and the trauma aspect of it really has to be worked on, like, how do you deal with post-traumatic stress issues when they come up. Like, that’s a different thing, learning how to calm your nervous system down and understand how it works. But the grief itself does not need to be healed. It’s a normal and a natural response. And in the beginning, It is so overwhelming that it’s impossible for other things to come in and feel. But the more you learn how to carry it, the more than you’re able to have that space for other things, it doesn’t mean that this is gonna go away. It doesn’t. And then that not being afraid of learning that grief isn’t your enemy, that was huge for me too. But and I remember talking to a really good friend of mine. I was on one of the death anniversaries, and I was saying to her, I hate this so much. I hate this grief. I hate it. And she’s like, you don’t hate it. And I was like, yes, I do. No, you don’t hate it. And I was like, oh, I totally do. And she said, no. You hate that he’s dead. You don’t hate the grief. I was like, okay. That is true. That’s true. The grief is just there because he’s dead. Like, there’s Of course, it is. And so, like, that for me was another little turning point of really realizing, okay, I don’t have to try to get rid of it. How can I, like, make friends with it a little bit? It’s a constant companion. You know, it’s always here. Even in that the the metaphor of sort of, like, this thing being huge and you can’t see around it at all and or you’re just blind to buy it. And then eventually, it moves out here and you can see around it or under it and then it’s here and so it’s always right there. Or maybe it’s like right here most of the time and oh, I know you’re there. If I wanna come get you. And then there’s those days where it’s like, oh, look, here I am. It’s never like this for me anymore. And his grief isn’t. And I,really feel that the only thing that scares me and it’s that true for a lot of grandparents as my living child. Then I don’t know what will happen to me if she were to die before I die. I just hope she won’t. But here, I’m all I’m pretty confident that I can handle anything grief-related that comes my way in regards to his death. I can I can handle it even if it’s here? and it doesn’t stay here very long. It’s just like, okay. I know. And then it goes back here. But it’s always part of me. And in the beginning, had you told me that’ll be like, I don’t want this, and I understand that completely that impose to protest and to push this away and to not have this be your reality is absolutely how you feel. And I get it. And so you’re right with the where people and people are ready. And in this job, in my job, I No. There’s nothing I can do to help you. I can’t fix this. Like, I can’t fix the grief. I cannot change how you feel. I can offer you suggestions, I can be there with you, and it doesn’t scare me. And so now in a lot of ways working with dramatically grief people, I don’t I’m not responsible for their healing. I can just be there with you in it, and I’m really good at that now. And I think a lot of people who do this work, including lots of therapists, are not comfortable in that discomfort. It’s also a cultural issue. This is much fun with culture. Like, our culture is not comfortable in the face of other people’s pain. They either, like, don’t wanna be seeing that. Or they want the person that they care about to be who they used to be, which is also impossible, or they wanna fix it for them and take like, when people say, oh, if I could do take this away from you, I would never want somebody to take my grief away from me. It’s inexorably connected to my love for my child and you’re not taking my breath away. It’s impossible anyway. But even early on, I knew that. Like, I had to feel it. But if this it is a developmental process and a journey, like, nobody overnight just as like, okay, I’m ready to be healing now. I mean, just and for me, I don’t even really use that language because I think the idea is that grief can be healed and it doesn’t need to be. And I’m never gonna be healed from that trauma, relationship problems with other people that show up, physical issues. A lot of times, this can be healing, all that depending on what has happened. The immune systems are depleted. People have autoimmune problems because of extreme amount of stress that their bodies are under. And once you start dealing with the emotional peace and find the right physical support, that stuff can be healed, but the grief doesn’t need to be. It’s a learning process too with all of those things growing, learning, developing, but I don’t need to heal from it. So but other I don’t suggest other people use my words, but figuring that out was also huge because for several years, I thought I needed to heal. And I tried and tried and tried and thought about it and wrote about it and finally, when I started thinking about it in a different way, it was a relief to just be like, oh, and god, I don’t have to heal from this because I’m not.
Victoria Volk: I have a lot to reflect on that because it is. It’s like this, it is a constant wound. Right? Like, there’s nothing ever that will bring your son back and Right. Or any loss that anyone experiences or any traumatic experience that someone has, there’s nothing we can’t go back in time. We can’t change it.
Karla Helbert: Right.
Victoria Volk: And so it is this ever present wound. But like in grief recovery, what the language And I use healing but more towards, like, energy work. Mhmm. But when it comes to grief, it’s more of the a sense of recovery. And almost like, you know, like the twelve-step programs of alcohol or substance abuse disorders and things like that. But for me, personally, it was recovering from the pain. Mhmm. It was and that’s what I feel like grief recovery addresses is the pain so that when you have those moments that show up in your life that remind you you’re not pulled back to the pain. Mhmm. Your relationship changes because your relationship continues with your son. Your relationship continues who never passed.
Karla Helbert: Absolutely. Yeah.
Victoria Volk: And so it’s and she’s yes. So grief recovery. What it did for me and what I see it doing for clients is it helps them change the relationship moving forward? Because I think there’s a lot of you know, what’s the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations and anything that you wish would have been different better or more. And I think that’s the story on repeat in a lot of people’s minds and hearts and that’s really difficult to let go of.
Karla Helbert: Oh, totally. Yeah. And that’s for me and a lot of other bereaved parents. And in a lot of ways for anybody who’s the loved one, but that those ideas of, like, what we what would have been if he would be now. Like, I was not expecting, for example, fact that school stuff has been with hard for a lot of years. But I didn’t even really think about it. All the kids going off college this last summer. And I was like, oh my god. Like, it went it’s interesting. I looked at it. I was like, wow. And a lot of the things I was reading from a lot of mothers being devastated and grieving. And I just thought, oh, gosh. Yeah. I’m not gonna I can’t I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t comment on anything. I didn’t because I just thought, okay. It was it was very hard to read. And I don’t know if he what would he be doing? Will he take a gap year? I don’t know. Would he be going to college at all? What would he be doing? I don’t even I don’t know. All things you don’t know. That’s all still there. But for me, yeah, like, you know, language is so important how we talk about things and what we think about words. I mean, I’m a big word nerd. So I mean, to me, I’m always like, look up the ophthalmology of this thing and see where it comes from. But that’s why healing and the thought around that. But it really is how we because the way you’re talking about grief recovery, like this resonates with me. I don’t like that word because I think in a lot of places, people assume it means you get to go back to who you were before and you don’t. And I know you know that. Mhmm. And so it’s hard to our language is still limited to on how we can really express it’s hard to talk about. I write a lot about grief. I mean, I have written a lot about grief and there’s still no words that really can describe your actual experience in it.
Victoria Volk: Can I read something that you shared with me in your application here?
Karla Helbert: Oh of course.
Victoria Volk: Because I feel like a lot of people listening who have lost a child will resonate with this. So I asked, what would you like to scream to the world? And you had said that others who did not know this pain could fully you wanted them to fully feel the catastrophic immensity of not just my pain, but the totality of living with such traumatic loss and the ongoing experience of what it is truly like to live without the person you love and cherish most. I wish they could experience it so they would know and if only for a few minutes what I was going through, and I imagine that as a feeling that you have kept all these years. Even when you’re reading those messages of the moms when their children were going off to college and things, I imagine, like, it really touched me. That’s why I wanted to bring it up.
Karla Helbert: I can I didn’t remember what I wrote in the so but that’s true? Because, you know, people will say. And this and it is I do concur. I would not wish the death of a child. On anybody. I don’t really have any enemies, but if I did, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, people say. But I do wish that for just an instant, people could really feel it. Because I don’t think I mean, I know. So I also have this thing that I don’t like it when people say I can’t imagine because human beings have the capacity to imagine anything. Like, we’ve imagined worlds that never existed. Galaxies far, far away and all these things. And it and I think what it means when people say that is they don’t want to imagine it because it’s new scary because if you really really. And I know you can never if you’ve not experienced it, you cannot know what it’s actually like. But people don’t want to try to imagine. And I haven’t had a conversation with my mom not too long ago. Which was really interesting because she’s one of the people who just have historically over this whole period difficult to talk about this with. And she’s gotten so much better over the years. She’s really, like, taken in a lot and I think learned and had I’ve seen her deal with grief with friends and other aspects, and she’s gotten so much better at it. But she asked me something about how do you work with all these people’s pain and what how do you do that all the time every day? And I was trying to explain it and and that this conversation went into the phase of that because that was happening at that time, everybody’s children were going off to college, and I was talking about it. And she said to me, oh, bigger. She said, well, when you went to when you went off to school, I cried every day from month to month, it was awful. You just have no idea and I was like, Okay. Now imagine, I’m an only child. Imagine if you would never speak to me again, never see me, never hold me, never touch me, never hear my voice, never mail me, but I don’t want to hear that. And I was like, okay. This is what I’m talking about. And I didn’t you know, we were we were out at our house. I was making dinner and all. I just went back. And it’s interesting too. I like that I mean, for me that moment, if that had happened fifteen years ago, I would not have been able to even talk to her. I would have had to leave. You know, it was just no, it’s interesting, and I remember miserably in those moments. Early on in grief. Just wishing that people could feel how I felt. Just for a few seconds even because grieving people and I experienced it too are so judged. It’s like I mean, yeah, you’re tired of our grief, oh my god. Imagine having to do it every single second. We’re sick of our shit too. Oh my god. We can’t do anything about it. And then for that gets back to that, what you said earlier, it’s a choice to do something. It’s so hard. So I have so much sympathy and sympathy for people who are in those places, and I work with people who it’s protracted. And it’s just, okay. You just keep doing these things, and then there might be a little shift, a little shift. And I had a woman once. It totally sticks out to me. Our son took his own life. She came in, she walked on my sofa, she’s just crying crying crying. And for, like, twenty minutes, all we did, she sat there and told me how she can’t do this. And I said, but you’re doing it, but I can’t do it anymore. But you’re doing it. This went on and on and we had a lot of conversations around, okay, what are your options? And to killing herself, completely just like taking every drug and just staying high and she didn’t like any of those options because all of those had bad consequences. And I thought well, Okay. We’re doing it then. And then we shifted the conversation and we’re talking about other things. And when she left, she was laughing about something and we were just it was not we’re having a great little time, and I said, you know, I want just want to point out to you. This isn’t to say that some great healing moment happened but look at how differently you feel right now as opposed to how you felt just like an hour and a half ago. That doesn’t mean you won’t have those moments again, but you’ve got through it. And now we’re in a different place totally. Just remember that. It can change. It can. And people just don’t believe that often when you’re in those places of just total pit darkness, but it can’t.
Victoria Volk: You just highlighted a very important point is that especially in those moments when you’re sitting in it and you’d have don’t see a way out of it. You can’t see the label from inside the jar. This is where you need support, you need someone else to light the way for you, to show you that you can shift your perspective in an instant.
Karla Helbert: It is variable. Don’t have that Yeah. Right. And a lot of people don’t have that. They don’t have that help and support. And it’s it’s hard because a lot of times people who may not be the kind of person who would reach out and go find it are the ones who need it the most. I mean, you see this, people who are help, seeking people just naturally be like, I I need to go to a group or I’m gonna go find a therapist or whatever. And now I’ve said a few times on different podcasts. Now what is so helpful? Even more it’s I mean, it’s been almost twenty years, which seems like a long time, but it all those things really fast. Then, like, there was very little support. Now, you can and social media can be really devastating for many people, and it can be really helpful but there’s so much more. And you need to be discerning because not every place that’s supposedly helpful and supportive really is and there can be a lot of toxicity, but this is where you knowing yourself and learning, having that self awareness and starting to pay attention again to your own wisdom, finding the places where you feel safe and comfortable there’s so many more out there now than there were even when I was going through it. I felt really alone. I mean, it’s really thankful for the miss foundation and the group that was here. And that’s one reason I’ve stayed so connected and and still very much active with with the foundation. Is because it’s what really helps save me. So having that support and there’s so many more options now and that’s really, really good.
Karla Helbert: When I wrote that book yoga for grief and loss, Actually, the the other book defining your own way to grief book that’s for kids on spectrum, that came from a story that I wrote one of my clients is for my son, any of this happened with him. This kid was a new kid to me. Both of his grandfathers had died. And one of those grandfathers was, like, his person. And there was nothing anywhere. I could find no resources. So I wrote him this little story that’s at the beginning of that book, but then turned into chapters because I couldn’t find anything out. And now, there’s more support for people on the spectrum. There’s more support for grief parents. So I remember finding there was one book that I found that was for marine parents at the time. And then there were a couple more, but there really weren’t that many resources even for bereaved parents. There was nothing for siblings. So, and all of this has grown a lot over the last fifteen years. And there’s so much more out there. It’s easier to find support than it was, but you have people that it’s hard for them to reach out. Which is why I say also to other people don’t stop reaching out to the greeting person. They may not come to lunch, keep asking them. And a lot of times, what happens is this victim blaming kinda thing, oh, well, she doesn’t wanna come to let her sit there. It’s part of it is because they don’t understand how grief is not a disability or a disorder, but it can be debilitating. Had trauma with it, you have all of that combined. It can be terrifying to walk out of your house. And they need support. You need people who the people who love you who are gonna keep coming back instead of getting annoyed with you because you’re not getting over this. Are you still sad about this? It’s been six months or less? I mean, it’s just like amazing. So for me, if people could’ve veld it, just for an infant, maybe they would have more other lips.
Victoria Volk: And zip their lips. Right?
Karla Helbert: It’s like impossible. I get that it’s impossible.
Victoria Volk: It’s like I equate it to society’s response to grief to grievers, like a thousand paper cuts. It’s like every little comment, every little inciliation, every judgment, or every whatever it is. It’s like just another little paper cut on a griever. And the thing is what this is why I started this podcast is like nobody has to die for you to be a griever, for you to grieve. Like, I guarantee you these people that say this stuff, this un these unhelpful things, have a lost dream, or have a less than loving relationship with a parent. I mean, we grieve, have a loss of career or finances. Maybe the less they’re home, everything went up in flames. Like, we all grieve something as we just forget. We forget.
Karla Helbert: Yeah, well, maybe that forgetting. I don’t know. Because when you’ve had these huge losses, catastrophic losses, you can’t forget. And I don’t know. I mean, maybe when people have those other those other kinds of grief and those other losses and they forget, they sort of think, well, I got over these things. I mean, and people equate these things together, they do. I mean, I’ve seen it. Like, it’s amazing. Oh, I know exactly how you feel.
Victoria Volk: Oh, yeah. Mhmm.
Karla Helbert: Because my grandmother died, my dog died, my whatever died. I mean, it’s like
Victoria Volk: My aunts, cousins, brother, sister.
Karla Helbert: Yes. Whatever, you know. I mean, it’s just like,
Victoria Volk: trying to relate and trying to relate you’re creating more harm. And Yeah. You talked a lot about support and making sure that grievers seek support and you talked about ways that you found support and what you looked for and what helped you. But overall, what has your grief taught you?
Karla Helbert: I don’t think you asked me this ahead of time.
Victoria Volk: It was on the form and you selected it.
Karla Helbert: Oh, well. Okay. Okay. Well, today, I think well, the thing that came to my mind very the first thing is that I’m not special. Like, I so in the beginning when this first happened, one of the things, right, that was, like, universe shattering and this idea somehow that I was protected and special. Even if I didn’t really say that to myself and I think like a lot of people walk around with this assumption that they’re exempt. They know bad things can happen, but somewhere they don’t think it’s gonna happen to them. And I was just, like, with the why, why, why, why, why. And then I just had this, like, thought, but this was really early in. Oh, why not? I mean, like, why not? Why not me? What’s I’m no different than anybody else. I mean, I’m just I’m special. I’m just special and I’m just as not special as anybody else. And I think it also had taught me And that was really eye-opening. I was like, okay, what does that mean now? What do I how do you navigate the world. And it’s scary. How do you navigate the world when you know for sure these terrible things can happen? And I’ve had to learn how to balance that fear? Because it’s still there. I mean, I know all the things can happen. So it’s how do we balance that fear and then at the same time knowing that. And maybe it’s the curiosity piece because I’m I’ve always been, like, very curious and open to lots of things. It’s like, well, if I know that, then how do you make the most of this one this moment that’s happening now. Right now, as far as I can tell and everything I can do, everybody that I love is safe. Everybody is okay. Now what do we do? We live in this moment. We live in this present moment as much as we can. We plan for what we can plan for. But you can’t control everything. And that’s been really hard. Like, I’ve tried my best and I’ve really have tried my best. Some people say that and I don’t always try my best at everything. Try my best. To try to be the kind of parent. That I think I would be if I didn’t have a dad child, but learning how to, like, let her go into the world she’s gonna be fifteen on her next birthday. Oh my god. She’s gonna drive a car. Like, how it’s ongoing. How do you balance this stuff? It’s taught me how to be able to live a more balanced life to let go of what I don’t control or hang to how to really surrender to things how to learn how to surrender to that grief because it cannot control it. And then how to then take the steps to continue learning and growing. I mean, those are the things I’ve learned from my grief. For sure.
Victoria Volk: I’m glad you touched on that with your daughter, like, you know, that fear of I mean, you’ve lost one child. Right? That fear never goes away. Right?
Karla Helbert: Now when I know many, many families who’ve lost more than one child, it’s it happens a lot. And it’s a real fear and a real possibility. So how do you live? And that’s the thing I address with lots of parents that I work with who have living children. How do you live with this? Without being crazy, without being super controlling, letting them have and have made mistakes, I’m sure not definitely not a perfect parent. I do feel I’ve tried my best to not control her and let her have experiences climbing trees. Oh my god. I used to love to climb trees. Nobody paid any attention to me. Climbing the trees. I was so scared to deliver climb trees, but I let her do it. Thank goodness she was not like a daredevil child. Really glad for that, but it was really hard. But I wanted her to have those experiences. And I’m gonna have to let her drive a car at some point. That’s worse than climbing trees because there’s other people driving cars and on phones and drilling and drag all these things. So it’s just like to terrifying. Is scary for non bereaved parents?
Victoria Volk: It is. Yeah.
Karla Helbert Yeah. It’s a it’s a challenge. It’s a challenge. And it’s ongoing. I mean, their times when it’s harder than other times. So, like, that’s a skill. Right? So, grief has taught me many skills to move through my days.
Victoria Volk: I do have one question kind of on that topic. What would you say to parents I have this belief system too that, like, a parent’s anxiety can become their child’s anxiety. How do you express that to parents in a loving, compassionate way. I know.
Karla Helbert: I mean, in my kid. I do. I mean, I see it in my child. And and there’s so much, like, we knew nature or nurture all these things. Like, she’s her own person. She has a lot of anxiety. That I never had. Really, we’re very different people. You know what I mean?
Victoria Volk: It’s a very different time too.
Karla Helbert: Yes. Yes. There’s so many things. Like, I would never wanna be a teenager right now. It’s just so scary the world that they are living in. And so there’s that, I mean, when they do active shooter drills at school. I mean, she’s terrified, but there was one day that this is a middle school. And she that happened and then she had a nightmare that night that there was a shooter in her school. And she didn’t wanna go to school the next day because she thought that it was gonna come true. And I said, I mean, we had a long talk about it. And I said, because I can’t tell her it’s not gonna happen. I can’t. I know people whose children have been killed in school shootings. I know them. And I can’t tell her it’s not gonna happen. But I told her, I said, I understand that you’re scared. I know. And she knows of the children that I know. I mean, she’s aware. She knows what I do. She knows a lot of things. And I said it, but it’s like lots and lots of accidents happen in cars every day, and it’s scary to drive a car. But what if I say, we’re never gonna get in a car again because we might be in an accident. We would never go to go anywhere. We would have to be only where we could walk, and I send this to her, that would make our world a lot smaller. I know it’s scary. But we have to figure out how to breathe through our fear, do the best we can, protect ourselves, and take care of ourselves. But also live our lives. You’d have to live your life. You’d have to go to school. And it was so hard sitting here in a school. And every time this happens, it’s like, mean, I think of it all the time when she goes to school. But, I don’t know, there’s not even a but. It’s a very, very difficult. She does have a lot of anxiety and some of it is the world. I mean, the pandemic was horrible, living through that as children and teenagers. And what that had done. And we were terrified during the pandemic for her to catch it, like all of these things. And when she was a child, I mean, I know when I was pregnant, I was terrified. There’s only so much you can control and even in terms of, like, what anxieties rub off on her? I’m like, I’ve talked about my husband’s fears. He’s been through the same stuff I’ve been through, and he’s a different person. And the way he deals with trauma is very different. She’s living with two traumatized parents. And grief stricken parents. I mean, I even didn’t even know how I thought I’m gonna bring the child into this house that’s still with grief. Is that the right thing for me to do? And I did. And I think I do think too that she’s a more empathetic person she does not have hang ups about grief at all. It is normal part of her life. I also tried. I didn’t wanna push a relationship with her brother on her. Like, she never knew him. Let her come to her own sort of thoughts and feelings about it. I have a hundred percent sure. Like, none of us, grievers are not can avoid our own stuff coming off on our children. I just think being as self-aware as possible and as open as possible to your own feelings. Like being telling yourself the truth about stuff is number one important thing. Okay, how am I affecting her right now? Can I need to manage myself first before I can manage the whole oxygen put your own oxygen mask on first? But I know that it’s impacted her. It can’t not have impacted her. I don’t know how much of her anxieties or because of me or my husband or whatever stress or whether she absorbed in utero. I don’t know. I can only do what I can do and try to be as aware as I can, as loving as I can. Come back to her when I’ve made mistakes. I’ve done that too. She’s a really good kid and she’s very smart. She’s funny. She’s creative. She’s finding her own way. And I just do my best to do my best. I don’t know.
Karla Helbert: There’s not a lot I can say to people because I get it. I understand. That fear and that learning to balance it is hard. And we don’t always I don’t even know what success looks like in that, but your kids as much space to be themselves. And we’re guiding all the time and once she’s an adult, to get out of the way and let her live her life. I mean, I’ve always thought like our job as parents is for them to not need us later. Hopefully, right, for her to be able to be on her own in a contributing adult in society and be as happy as she can be as content as she can be with who she is. I mean, I hope that I’ve done that. And I think some of that is unavoidable.
Victoria Volk: And to piggyback on that, I think the best way we can do that is, like you said, have a self-awareness about ourselves and sweep our own doorstep and look at our own parts.
Karla Helbert: Yes. Do your own work. I mean, that’s really important. Because if you don’t if you if you’re not aware, then nothing can change. Like, that is the first part, self-awareness. That something needs to change or it never changes.
Victoria Volk: It’s a great way to end this podcast, I think.
Karla Helbert: Thank you so much.
Victoria Volk: Yes. Thank you. And I’m gonna put links to the books to your everything in the show notes, but where can people find you if they’d like to connect with you and work with you?
Karla Helbert: Oh, for sure. My website is the best place, and you can always any any of the contact forms come straight to my email. Also, I’m not sure whether this is gonna air, but we’re a friend of mine, animal rogers who’s also a bereaved parent. Her story is very different from mine. We’re doing a free webinar for marine parents on December fifth. And that is gonna be from five to five thirty seven eastern time. Yeah. And that information is off the on my website. And you can just click there. It’s free, but you do need to register just to get the link and everything. I think that’ll be a really helpful thing for people. My website is just my name. It’s www.karlahelbert.com. It’s Karla Helbert. And all the stuff I do is on there, and any email that you send come straight to me, and I will write back.
Victoria Volk: I will put that information in the show notes. And I
Karla Helbert: Can also find me on Instagram. I’m also on Facebook. I don’t do Twitter so much anymore. X. No. It’s really not there anymore. So Instagram and Facebook are places to find me. And also my website, you can just email me and I would love to hear from people about reiki, about bereavement, about whatever. I mean, there’s a lot of stuff that I do about yoga. So Yeah. Thank you so much for having me. It’s been really, really great talking to you.
Victoria Volk: It’s been my pleasure. Thank you for sharing your story. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life much longer.
Childhood Grief, Divorce, Educational, Grieving Voices Podcast, Parenting, Podcast, solo episode |
Part II | Supporting Children Through Divorce and The Holidays
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
This episode is a follow-up to the last one to bring awareness to Children’s Grief Awareness Day on November 16th, 2023.
In this episode, I dive into supporting children through divorce and their challenges during the holidays. We must recognize that children experience various forms of grief and that parents play a crucial role in helping them cope with loss. Parents who receive early education on loss are better prepared to support their children effectively.
The impact of divorce on children is explored, highlighting the multiple losses they experience and the difficulties they face in understanding love and commitment. It can’t be stated enough that parents face many challenges in being present and acknowledging their children’s feelings during a challenging time, such as navigating all of the changes that occur as a result of a divorce (or separation), particularly when the parents are grieving themselves.
This episode implores all adults to empathize with children struggling, particularly during holidays and challenging family situations. As a society, we must break the cycle of inadequate support by providing better guidance to the next generation.
I encourage all listeners to engage with the episode and provide feedback to help shape future discussions on supporting children through divorce and the holidays. We adults must raise awareness about children’s grief, advocate for improved support systems, and empower all parents to navigate challenging situations with sensitivity and understanding. Future generations depend on what we adults choose to do or not do in response to children’s grief.
RESOURCES:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk: Hello friend. Thank you for tuning in to this episode. And it is a follow-up episode to the one before last week, Children’s Grief Awareness. And I said in that episode that I would bring in part two where I’d be talking more about supporting children through divorce and through the holidays as it relates to grief and divorce in general.
Victoria Volk: And I wanna share that, the first episode, Children’s Grief Awareness part one, has not been a very popular episode, and I just want to share how sad that kind of makes me not kind of, it does make me sad. And I suppose, I’m not sure exactly who you are listening to this. Do you not have children? Do most people who listen to this podcast not have children? Are you older? And maybe your children are older? And don’t have young children anymore, that could be. I would love to know why that episode isn’t resonating or if it did, please share that too.
Victoria Volk: And I would just love to know like who’s really on the other side listening to my voice. Are you listening in the car? Are you listening while you wash dishes? Are you listening on your commute? Or when you’re walking, I would love to know. So please share your feedback on the podcast directly please email me. Consider this like you supporting me in research. Because I’m really am curious. Please email me at [email protected] or find me on social media, Instagram is usually where I like to is my go to @theunleashedheart, and on Facebook, you can message me, Victoria The Unleashed Heart.
Victoria Volk: Anyway, I’m sure you can find me. Links are in the show notes too. If you are interested in helping me do that research. I would love to know who you are listening because I really am curious why that episode isn’t so popular, but regardless because I’m so passionate about children’s grief and the child grievers out there because I was one and I grew up as one. I’m still going to record a part two even though that last episode may not have been as popular because I feel like it is such an important topic because even if your children are older, they’re teenagers this still applies to you if your children are adults, who may be are starting their own families. Please share this with them too. I guarantee you that you probably know or have a child in your life, and this is just great information to have in your back pocket or to share with someone you know.
Victoria Volk: So, piggybacking on what I shared last week. There are some points I want to drill home. Point one is that children learn how to deal with loss at a very early age. That’s something I didn’t talk about in the last episode, but the vast majority of parents don’t realize that children, by the age of three, have learned or developed seventy-five percent of the skills that they will use for the rest of their lives to deal with issues that face them. Most parents rarely know or think about this when they are dealing with the daily issues related to their children. I’ve been there so many times, I can’t even tell you. Parents are very much in the moment when they’re talking to their children and likely they don’t even take into consideration how their children store things in their personal belief system.
Victoria Volk: While the vast majority of the information that parents pass on is of value. Like, we all, we are the teachers. Right? Mixed in with all of that good information can be also misinformation on how to deal with loss. And I’ve talked about this before on the podcast, but when your back is up against the wall and you have a grief experience, you’re gonna resort to what you know. And even when your children are faced with a grieving experience, you as a parent are gonna resort to what you know and likely what you were taught as a child is what you will pass on to your child. Unconsciously or consciously, some things, we don’t even really think about it. We just respond. Right? We just react. And that’s what we tend to do is respond in a knee-jerk reaction.
Victoria Volk: Point two I wanna make is that grief is more than an emotional response to death. I’ve talked about this so many times, but again, it bears repeating when it comes to childhood grief too. Because it’s not just about death, and children don’t need to be dealing with a death to experience grief. Comes in a lot of forms. Many losses that impact a child may seem insignificant to you as the adult for like example, let’s say, their favorite toy, and they can’t find it. They lost it. Where another child broke it. It seems insignificant to use the adult or the parent. But to us, it’s like, I can just buy go buy another one. I mean, there’s a million in one soccer balls or whatever it is. But to the young child that lost that toy or that whatever it is, it can be overwhelming. Especially if maybe it was a gift or something like that. Likewise, as adults, we become accustomed to friends saying things to us that we might find upsetting. And we might take offense. And in the moment, but we often are able to look at that comment if we take a step back, look at it from a broader perspective, and based on our relationship, not let that statement have a long-lasting emotional impact on us.
Victoria Volk: However, adolescents and teens do not have an adult’s perspective. And can find one negative comment or a breach of confidentiality emotionally devastating. In both situations, children are dealing with a very real grief grieving experience. And without realizing it, the way parents respond to these early grieving experience can establish a pattern for how the child learns to deal with loss for the rest of their lives. Even though as parents, we don’t see these early issues as being related to grief. They have nonetheless set a reactive response to loss in the child’s belief system. And it’s not like we’re trying to pass on bad information to our children. It’s just something that happens. A child is the most complex thing we ever bring home and they do not have detailed cautionary information stamped on the bottom of them. Right? They don’t come with a manual.
Victoria Volk: Point three, early education on loss for parents helps prepare children. The children in their life Grief Education is prevention. This is prevention. Most parents never think about helping their children deal with personal emotional loss until there is a crisis of some kind. It may be the death of a family member, a friend, or a pet that forces them to act. And it might be a divorce or some other major life event. Rarely do parents realize that they have already inadvertently given children in ineffective tools to deal with loss, even with previous minor issues their children may have experienced. And when parents face a crisis, they equally find themselves lost, like, as anyone would. Right? Like grief devastating loss just flips your entire world upside down. So your first thought might be to send your child to a professional for assistance. But the problem with that is that the children may see the professionals as advice as being in conflict with what they have already learned. A complicating factor, no matter the value of what this professional tries to teach them, can be conflicting information if the parents are not on the same page as that professional. And so mixed information or interactions with the child can just all it does is create more confusion. Taking all of that into account alone, should have you running to the bookstore or going on to Amazon and ordering the book when children grieve just based on what I just said. Or finding a support group program, like someone like me who facilitates the Helping Children with Loss program. Rather than waiting to for you to recognize that your child is struggling, you can help though with an overwhelming loss in advance, why wait for there to be a devastating loss or an issue to surface before we decide to help our children. Doesn’t it make more sense to teach parents the things they need to know to help their child feel safe to express their sadness during those first three years of life? And again, this is when these children aren’t just starting to develop the belief system that they will use for the rest of their lives. That is why Helping Children with Loss, When Children Grieve The Handbook is prevention. This information is prevention.
Victoria Volk: Now that I’ve gotten these three points out, I wanna start talking about divorce in the holidays as it relates to children in their grief experience. And it might surprise you that we actually divide divorce into two different categories, long-term or sudden. And the difference with divorce is that there is often one partner who has been struggling for a long time. While the other partner has been unaware, that things are not right. And so when the later gets served with divorce papers, it can have the impact of a sudden death, and some children are very aware of a problem in their household. I would say most are aware because children are sponges. They take in information in all kinds of ways and their eyes and ears are always listening and hearing and seeing and watching. So they have often seen and been subjected to arguments between their parents over an extended period of time. And for those children, the announcement of a divorce will fall under the heading of a long-term condition. And on the other hand, some parents manage to conceal from their children, their personal difficulties with each other. And when children who were not aware of any major problems are informed of an impending divorce, their reaction is also as if a sudden death has happened. The impact can be overwhelming to a child. And there’s a high probability that a child may begin to participate in a variety of short-term energy-relieving behaviors in response to the sudden news of their parents’ divorce. It could be said that a divorce is a family matter. And even though there is truth in that comment, the bottom line is that the couple is getting the divorce and the children are in the line of fire. The collateral damage to the children can be monumental.
Victoria Volk: The children caught in a divorce are experiencing multiple losses. What loss or losses are they experiencing? Well, look at the conflicting feelings caused by a change or an end in a familiar pattern of behavior. So some examples of losses that children may experience while their parents are going through divorce is a loss of patient that this family would be together. The loss of trust, loss of familiarity and routines, loss of safety, loss of childhood, loss of residence, and or the change to dual residences. Any one of these losses is enough to break a child’s heart. Not to mention, feel overwhelming.
Victoria Volk: So let’s look at each of these in a little bit more detail. Looking at the loss of expectation that the family would be together, children are taught about love and honor and trust and loyalty by their parents. They learn how to be loving and considerate how to resolve conflicts and how to get along with others. And from literature and films and religious institutions, children also learn that the vows exchanged in the marriage ceremony pledge a commitment to those virtues. And whether or not you’ve experienced this, think about how can fusing and disturbing it must be to children when their parents cannot maintain that pledge to each other. Also, take loss of trust. Imagine the conflicting feelings children must experience as a divorce scenario unfolds, or explodes before their eyes. What reference point do they have to deal with those feelings? It is very difficult teach your children about love and simultaneously teach them about divorce. Given that implicit promise that the family will always be together, the divorce itself represents a major breach of trust.
Victoria Volk: Moving on to loss of familiarity and routines, this is difficult all by itself, and it’s often greatly intensified by the fact that children may be undergoing other major transitions as they move from childhood to adulthood. We know all too well that the stresses and strains of those transitions can have powerful consequences. And those transitions can be happening in every age bracket.
Victoria Volk: Next, loss of safety. Familiarity in routines build safety in a sense of well-being. The patterns established within a family are usually dismantled by divorce. Children flailing around and the emotional aftermath of a divorce often do not feel very safe. Safety and familiarity go hand in hand, so it is a good idea to limit the amount of additional changes.
Victoria Volk: Loss of childhood. The instinct for survival can take many forms. For the most part, survival actions are beneficial. Sometimes they backfire. The scenario in which children take care of a parent is one example of such a backfire. It is understandable that children who would instinctively try to protect the very person or people who are supposed to protect them. It’s the child’s way of trying to guarantee their own survival. But this impulse to care take puts them in conflict with their own nature. Divorce tends to turn children into amateur psychologists. It spurs them to analyze and figure things out. It forces them to grow up before their time and to take on attitudes and actions that are not appropriate to their time of life.
Victoria Volk: And I can say this specifically for myself that that holds a lot of truth just for my own experience of my dad passing when I was eight years old, my parents didn’t divorce. He died, but like I said earlier, divorce can be this long-term experience where it can be this like a sudden death. And so that’s where there’s similarities that can be expressed in divorce, as well as a death of a parent.
Victoria Volk: And talking about loss of residence or change to dual residences, everything that I’ve talked about has been magnified when the move is the result of a divorce. The moves or changes caused by the divorce carrying emotional weight which is added to the fact that moving in and of itself changes everything that is familiar and routine for a child. Think about it. If you change your job, you’re going to a new you might move across to a different state, you’re going to have new coworkers, new neighbors, new friends. You’re leaving old friends and colleagues behind. The same goes for children. But it’s on a scale that taking all these other things into consideration and what I’ve already shared you can see why this would have probably long-term effects on the well-being of a child.
Victoria Volk: And here’s what I’ll say to all of this. When as parents, we work on our own grief and work to resolve what is emotionally complete for ourselves and the losses that we’ve experienced in our life, whether it’s loss of trust or loss of safety or loss of our spouse or parent. We learn how to simply be present with a child in our life. Regardless of their age. You can simply be and not have to do anything. You don’t have to fix your child. You don’t have to give advice. You don’t have to jump in or change a subject. You can just listen and acknowledge. And this is what builds trust with children. And I will go on to say to starting first, going first, speaking to how you had expectations for your life with your significant other that didn’t work out, but that doesn’t mean that that child has loved any less. It doesn’t mean that you care about that, the other parent, any less. You might, but to not use that time that you have with your child to bad mouth or talk about the other parent, but instead use the time that you have with your child to. Let them share. Let them express. Let them give voice to what they’re feeling, to what they’re thinking. That is what builds trust with children.
Victoria Volk: And this is where grief recovery is the most helpful because you can simply learn how to connect with your child at an emotional level. And not take away the feelings of the child. That’s not the goal. It’s not the goal to fix just to be and listen. And so as we’re navigating the holidays coming up and the changes of homes or sharing the holiday with a significant other or your now ex-spouse, or ex-significant other. Think about that. Think about what that child put yourself in the shoes of the child. What will they be experiencing? What would how are they feeling about especially if this is the first holiday the first Thanksgiving or the first Christmas where the child is feeling torn between two homes. Feeling torn from their mother, being feeling torn from their father, or whatever the situation is. It could even be a grandparent and a parent. Right? I mean, there are so many different scenarios to what a family looks like these days that I just my point is though is to think about the child put yourself attempt to put yourself in that child’s shoes. And your child may say, well, you might ask, well, how are you doing? I’m fine. Children might appear to be fine. They might appear unscathed. But I guarantee you all of the change and disruption to their life, especially if it was I would say regardless if it was like this long-term thing that they saw issues, they knew that there were issues versus feeling like it was a sudden death. Either way, there is gonna be changes that the entire family will have to navigate and adapt to.
Victoria Volk: And I think if the child is brought into the fold of that experience and not shut out or, I mean, if you might think that you’re protecting them, but if protecting them is not letting them talk about their feelings or not letting them share or not having them have a voice that is not helping them. And so I just wanted to encourage you if you find yourself in this situation or someone who is or if it was a death, let’s say it was a death of a parent, all of these things can still apply that I just talked about. There’s still going to be a lot of change. There’s still going to be a lot of uncertainty and by keeping those points in mind that I started out this episode with, you can be a soft space. And a place for a child to turn to not to be fixed, but to be heard.
Victoria Volk: And I guess that’s my whole point in sharing this episode. These two episodes is to bring awareness to childhood grief because it is a thing. Even though child children may appear fine, they may appear like they’re not being affected. I guarantee you they are on some level. They could just be expressing what they’ve learned from you. They could be emulating what they’ve learned from you. And so take that into consideration like how have you shown up in your grief and express that to your child regardless of what their age is because you can look back in hindsight and you’re always a parent. You’re forever a parent. That never changes. So whether it is an adult child or whether it is a young child, this is an episode where you can reflect on the past and think about the lessons that you passed out to your children and maybe share this episode with them and have a conversation. Maybe some things that you would have liked to have done differently or that you wish would have gone differently. That’s grief too. Grief is a loss of hope, dreams, and expectations. Anything that we wish would have been or could be different, better, or more.
Victoria Volk: And that’s what I gotta say about that. This is for the children out there, the grievers, the most vulnerable among us, and you grow up one day. I know you’re a child. You’re not as a child, you’re not probably listening to this. But as an adult, if you were a child who experienced a lot of grief and you grew up with grief. I see you. I hear you. I know you because I am you. And this is why I’m so passionate about sharing this information today in this episode and the last episode. And I do hope that the downloads go up because there are a whole lot of children suffering in this world and there are a whole lot of adults who grew up as children who felt as though they were suffering.
Victoria Volk: And if you are now a parent like me and you were a child griever, you can break the cycle. You can break those patterns and those things that you learned that were misinformation and unhelpful to you you can learn new knowledge and new tools to support your children and to break that cycle moving forward. That’s all I gotta say today on this topic. I hope you found it helpful. Please share it with a parent that you know or love or use it as a tool for yourself to become a better version of yourself as a parent to children that you are raising. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Childhood Grief, Grieving Voices Podcast, Parenting, Podcast, solo episode |
Part I | Children’s Grief Awareness
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
In light of November 16th being Children’s Grief Awareness Day, I recount my experience as a child griever in today’s episode.
Back in the ’80s, and still very much today, the topic of grief was uncomfortable and not something people openly shared their feelings about. Not to mention, the resources that exist today did not exist back then, leaving society to fend for itself and perpetuate the myths of grief I so often talk about: Don’t Feel Bad, Replace the Loss, Grieve Alone, Be Strong, Keep Busy, and Time Heals.
Growing up with grief poses many challenges for children, particularly with the loss of parents, safety, and security. The myths of grief have been ingrained in our society, and grieving children of the past, like myself, grow up passing those same myths down to their children. Hence, the cycle of grief misinformation continues. This is why I am so passionate about talking about grief because the cycle must be broken.
The more people who recognize they’re not forever broken or destined for a life of grief and instead learn new information and tools, the better off future generations will be – the better off our world will be.
I encourage all listeners to empathize with grieving children during this Children’s Grief Awareness Day. Reflect on the role you play in the life of a grieving child you know. If you want a child to feel safe in sharing, as an adult, you often have to go first in sharing.
Through this episode, you will also learn children’s common reactions to grief and more. In Part II, I will focus on an experience many children have today – divorced parents and navigating the holidays, especially if this is the first holiday without a loved one.
RESOURCES:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk: Hello, hello, good morning, good afternoon, or good evening, whatever time it is that you are listening to this thank you for being here. If this is your first time listening, I hope you enjoy this episode. And if you find it helpful, I hope you share it or leave a five-star review if you feel like it’s beneficial information and if you walked away learning something, and if this is not your first time listening, thank you for tuning in again. And if you have not left a review yet for the podcast, I would greatly appreciate it.
Victoria Volk: Today, I wanna talk more about child grief because Thursday, November sixteenth is Children’s Grief Awareness Day. And I felt it was important just to share a little bit more on this topic for children’s grief awareness because I think, let’s say, if you lose your spouse or you lose your parent, right, if the child loses their grandparent, it can be really easy to kinda get wrapped up in your own emotions and your own feelings and thoughts and sadness. Right? And I certainly experienced this for myself as a child griever where there really wasn’t a lot of communication with me asking me as an eight-year-old how I felt about my dad’s passing or how I felt about not seeing him or essentially growing up without him.
Victoria Volk: There really wasn’t a whole lot of conversation directed at me and about how I was dealing with that devastating loss. He had been sick for several years colon cancer. I am currently the age that my dad was when he passed away. I’m forty-four years old. And I cannot imagine. He was sick for about two years before he passed. And by the time they caught it, it was or founded it was too late, but he hung on. And he put up the good fight, but I did have a lot of difficulty with that loss, both getting into my twenties, certainly as a teenager it’s not an easy time anyway, but my mother had I’ll say quickly because to me, as a kid, it’s seemed quick. Within two years, my mom was remarried and this new guy was in our life and he treated me well. There was no issue there. He wasn’t there a lot because he was a long-haul trucker.
Victoria Volk: And my childhood was just a really, like, full of extremes. Right? It was these really high highs and these really low lows. But there was more lows than there were highs because they didn’t have the best relationship. And of course, it’s really difficult to be married to someone who isn’t there a whole lot just in general. So anyway, my childhood and my teen years were just a really difficult time, and that was the best I could, and I found myself really trying to emotionally care take others I was often the emotional caretaker for my mom and for a lot of friends, like I was the shoulder that friends cried on, and I was happy to be the supportive friend, to be the friend that was there for everyone.
Victoria Volk: I’d been through a lot at that by my teen years, I had been through a lot and experienced a lot more than maybe some people I know that are my age now. And so I had to grow up fast I did. I had to grow up fast. And so I really don’t feel like I had much of a carefree childhood that children really do deserve. And so that’s really why I wanted to highlight this topic today because for me, Children Grief Awareness Day is all about the kids. So I just want you to listen and set aside whatever you’re experiencing, whatever sadness and grief and whatever you’re feeling about a loss that you’ve recently had, and you have a child that’s experiencing it alongside you. I want you to just set aside whatever you’re feeling and attempt to put yourself in the shoes of this child that you know or love. No end love. Maybe it’s your own child. Maybe it’s your grandchild. Maybe it is maybe you’re an older sibling and it’s a younger child in the family, that’s still at home because maybe you’re in your twenties and your sibling is like fifteen I don’t know, but I’m just the focus today, let’s put it on the children. And so as you’re listening to this episode, it is my hope that you walk away from this episode learning something.
Victoria Volk: So many of the normal and natural signs of grief are fairly obvious. And most of those signs would be the same for a child’s reaction to a death, divorce or some other type of loss. But let’s just say we’re talking about news about a death. Often, the immediate response learning of a death is a sense of, like, this numbness, which can last a different amount of time for each child. What usually lasts longer and is even more universe is a reduced ability to concentrate. And I can say that for me, as a child, if I would have gone to a therapist or a psychologist or what had you, which was not the case. My mom would have probably been told that I had ADHD. So other common reactions include major changes in eating and sleeping patterns. These patterns can alternate from one extreme to the other. Also typical is a roller coaster of emotional highs and lows. And these are not stages. They’re simply just some of the normal ways in which the body and the mind and especially the emotions respond to the overwhelmingly painful information that something out of the ordinary has occurred.
Victoria Volk: So going back to my personal experience as a child griever, and within the year of my dad’s passing, I know I mentioned this on the podcast before, but if you’ve never listened to an episode, I was molested and in going into my teen years. So when I say that my childhood was you know, not much of a childhood. I’m this is the context in which I’m speaking to that. So there was a lot of change and a lot of trauma in my early life. And I can tell you that I slept a lot. Most of the pictures I have of myself as a child are of me sleeping, sleeping in the middle of the living room, floor midday or before actually bedtime, falling asleep on my bed before a birthday party, which I completely miss because my mother felt the need to take a picture but not wake me up for the birthday party. And I was a tardy a lot with school. And I would always get an elementary school. It was like an n for needs improvement. I would always have an n for listens to and follows directions.
Victoria Volk: So again, comes back to this change in sleep patterns or inability to concentrate. And just really fidgety. Like, I just recall being very just very much in, like, my own la la land. But these reactions to a death are normal and typical. And even if there has been a long-term illness, like in the case of my dad, which may have included substantial time and opportunity to so unquote unquote prepare for that which would inevitably happen. We cannot repair ourselves or our children in advance for the emotional reaction to a death because we don’t understand the finality. We can’t even wrap our heads around the finality of that moment until it actually occurs.
Victoria Volk: If you’ve listened to any previous episodes, you’ve heard me say that grief isn’t just about physical death. There’s a much broader definition that encompasses all losses experiences, which I’ve shared before on this podcast. But if this is your first time listening, grief is the conflicting feelings caused by a change or an end in a familiar pattern of behavior. So, if you’re thinking about like these list of losses that include death of a pet, death of a grandparent, moving, divorce, divorce of a child’s parents, and death of a parent. Each of these losses represents a massive change or end from everything familiar. With death, the person or path that has always been. There is no longer there. With moving, the familiar place and surroundings are different. Divorce alters all of the routines in a child’s life. It often includes changes in living situations and separation from extended family, members and friends. All of these losses mentioned carry with them the obvious emotional impact that we can all imagine would affect children.
Victoria Volk: But our definition of grief includes the idea that there are conflicting feelings. If you’ve ever had a loved one who struggled for a long time with the terminal illness, you may have had some feelings of relief when that person died. The relief usually stems from the idea that your loved one is no longer in pain. At the same time, your heart may have felt broken because he or she was no longer here. So the conflicting feelings are relief and sadness. Moving also sets up conflicting feelings. We may miss some of the familiar things that we liked about the old house or the neighborhood. And at the same time really like some of the things about the new place.
Victoria Volk: Children are particularly affected by changes in locations, routines, and physical familiarity, death, divorce, and even moving or obvious losses, unless the parent or loss is having to do with health issues, a major change in the physical or mental health of a child or a parent can have dramatic impact on a child’s life. And even though children are not usually involved with financial matters, they can also be affected by major financial changes, positive or negative within their family. Society has identified more than forty life experiences that produce feelings of grief. And at the Grief Recovery Institute, they’ve expanded that list to include many of the loss experiences that are less concrete and difficult to measure such as loss of trust, loss of safety, and loss of control are the most prominent of the intangible but life altering experiences that affect children’s lives.
Victoria Volk: Intangible losses tend to be hidden and often do not surface until later in life through therapy and other self-examinations. I can tell you that that was certainly true for myself. I hope that this initial information is a good foundation that it helps you gain a better understanding of how grief just doesn’t impact you, but it impacts the children in your life in a lot of similar ways, but in a lot of different ways too.
Victoria Volk: I’m gonna make this a two-part series. Next week, I’m going to record and focus on children with divorce, experiencing their parents with divorce. Because we’re going into Thanksgiving and the holidays and things and with it being Children’s Grief Awareness Day. I’m just gonna make this a two-part and hopefully you can find some resources and support in moving into the holidays through these couple episodes. That’s the episode for today. I laid the foundation. Come back next week for where we’re gonna talk about divorce. And that impact on children and navigating all of that with the holidays. So I hope to have you back next week. And in the meantime, remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Educational, Grief Tips, Grieving Voices Guest, Grieving Voices Podcast, Life with Human Design, Pespective, Podcast, Resources |
Amy Douglas | The Manifestation of Grief Through Our Human Design
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Amy joins me for a second recording, and this time, we’re digging into the energy centers of the Human Design tool.
According to MyHumanDesign.com, where you can discover your Human Design, it’s a roadmap for living your life. It can teach you to recognize that not all advice is the best advice for you. Additionally, Human Design can help you realize your innate gifts and traits to embrace who you came into this life to be.
Like all tools, it’s information, and what you do with it, if anything, is entirely up to you. Information is just knowledge. However, applied knowledge is wisdom.
Human Design has personally helped bring to my awareness my blind spots, areas of relationships, and my being that I couldn’t see from an outside perspective because I wasn’t aware of them until Human Design helped me realize them. Do you see how this tool can be the mirror you’ve been looking for? Or perhaps your spleen is running the show, and you’re too afraid to look?
In today’s episode, you will learn, head to root, about the 9 Human Design Energy Centers and how grief often manifests and shows up in these energy centers, whether you have been defined (colored in) or undefined (white).
Before listening, and only if this resonates or you’re curious (listen to your HD authority on that), go to www.mybodygraph.com first to get your Human Design body graph, then hit play and prepare yourself for some a-ha moments, friends!
RESOURCES:
CONNECT:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk: Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. If this is your first time listening, thank you for joining me and my guests today. And if you’ve listened before, thank you for tuning back in. And actually, if you listened before, you may have heard my guest today, she appeared on episode one sixty four, which aired on ten seventeen, twenty three, from betrayal and loss to manifesting joy. And today, we’re gonna dive deep into human design, and I’m so excited for this conversation because I wanted to be able to provide listeners who are curious and interested in learning their human design what that means for them and apply it to grief because that’s really what this podcast is about. And so that you can have another tool in your toolbox for information and knowing yourself. And I think that’s really my personal mission for myself for several years now since probably twenty fourteen. And I’m all about any tool that helps me to better understand myself, my tendencies, how I’m wired, how I show up in the world, where I might falter, what my my blind spots might be. Right? It’s information and we can’t change something we don’t know or acknowledge. Right? Isn’t that what Dr. Phil says? We can’t change what we don’t acknowledge. So anyway, thank you so much for coming back to the podcast. And I’m excited to dive in. So let’s do it.
Amy Douglas: Yes. I’m so happy to be here again and talking about subject obviously that’s very near and dear to my heart. I see so much to be offered to your listeners, to the collective, to anyone who is ready to take a deep dive into their own personal journey. And while if you’ve listened to the episode, that we aired together on the seventeenth of October I shared parts of my journey that has led to different periods of time where I’ve experienced, grief and trauma and loss and just and I think once I really shined the spotlight on myself, you know, when you’re going through things, I I can only speak to you, Victoria, and your listeners about my personal experiences. Of course, I can with any clients I’ve worked with as well. But my journey is the most the one that I can be the most vulnerable and authentic in sharing. And I think there were a lot of years where I would project what was happening in my life onto someone else or something else like, there was very much a very conditional cause and effect of how I was operating in the way that I was allowing myself to experience life. And I think it’s a those words are important allowing myself because we all get to choose how we are experiencing life. And until we empower ourselves to create awareness on what we’re doing, wow, blame, and projection, and all that seems pretty simple. But when you turn and put the focus on yourself, and say, alright, what role am I playing and what’s going on? And I think that was a huge catalyst in twenty sixteen for myself of what I started doing. I was just like, alright. I can only control. And again, anytime I use that word, it is in the highest vibration because as I shared control as a manifestor is one of the four core wounds. So I don’t wanna be controlling and I don’t wanna be controlled, but controlling this scenario is I am only responsible for my actions, my beliefs, and how I am choosing to be. And when I brought human design; well, when it came to me and I was ready to allow myself to dig into it, it shined so much of that spotlight on how I was allowing myself to show up in the world. And because my belief system is we choose this for ourselves before we’re even brought into the world, I could see where I was not empowering myself to align with what I chose. And that can really hold energy in the body, the body graph is very much about the body. And grief can be held in a lot of areas if you’re not aware. And so the gift is once you become aware, then you get to do something about it and you can no longer be unaware.
Victoria Volk: Mhmm. And I think that’s where the challenge is and the fear is for a lot of people to do really deep introspection and reflection work because you can feel powerless and you can feel like you don’t have a choice. But then once you realize you do, not doing anything is a choice too. Right?
Amy Douglas: So, yes. Yeah. Oh, yes. Anytime somebody tells me I’m stuck, and please, there’s no disrespect for you. I’m not diluting what anyone is experiencing. But stuck is also a choice. Mhmm. Right? And so it and it’s okay if you’re choosing that, but let’s just not choose it forever. Right? Let’s really tune ourselves to what we can do for ourselves. And I think oftentimes we look outside of ourselves. For other people? Are there systems? Are there something? Are there to quote unquote fix? And while I am happy to have as many tools in my tool belt toolbox as there possibly can be, it really starts with me. It’s always me versus me. And so, human design just gave me language to where I could look, for how I might not be an alignment for what I chose for myself, which in the world of grief, can be, where am I not letting myself deal and process or where am I inviting myself to escape from? One of the gates has the potential for addiction.
Amy Douglas: And so that’s very real if you’ve something traumatic and you don’t wanna feel it and you don’t wanna deal with it. I have some of the energy in my design because I shared in the last episode I’m a thirty five year recovering binge eater. That was my go to. I do. I have that activation in my design. So it’s almost affirming. Okay. I’m not, it’s like, okay, I see where this shows up. But now that I know when I get activated by something, I then have I have power to choose what I do with that because it’s and I almost I’ve done it so much of my work. It’s like, I almost laugh at it now, like, there you are again.
Victoria Volk: And that’s gate thirty-five with addiction.
Amy Douglas: Well, gate twenty-four is the addiction gate. That’s ashna. Yeah. And it’s a processing thing. It’s like, oh my gosh, there’s so much mental processing in the ashna. That’s one of the center of the nine centers in the human design body graph. And that I must make sense of this. I must do this. There’s something that has to be done. It’s an awareness center. Awareness centers do not mean that you have to do. It is about being aware. And so if you’re tired of not knowing what to do about it, does that constant spinning, then we see sometimes people choosing to numb out from it. Right? And that’s very real. So there’s no shame in it, but the awareness is important of it. Because I’ve heard so many times from all the beautiful people in my life that I’ve been able to work with, they’ll say something like, again, I’m not diluting this, but something was modeled for them. My dad was an alcoholic. Such and such was this and this. And so they feel like because that was modeled, that’s what they chose. But when I can show them that there’s actually something in their charts, get all of a sudden, they feel like, okay, then it’s something that I can manage and navigate. And that feels different than what has been conditioned upon us. Because conditioning happens from everything outside of us, all of our experiences, everything we witness hear, see, feel, all of those things. And while there’s a lot of gifts and a lot of that, it also shows us and tells us how we’re supposed to be or what we’re supposed to be doing, and we actually get to navigate that for ourselves. We’re all so incredibly unique.
Victoria Volk: And that can be that’s where the those belief systems come in. Right? Like, I believe that I must be destined for this life because that’s what always been. Like, my father, my grandfather, my great grandfather, they were all alcoholics. So I must this must just be just part of the ancestral pattern that continues. Right? And I wanna come back to something you mentioned with the Ashna, the head center, like the hamster on the wheel, the spinning energy.
Amy Douglas: Yes.
Victoria Volk: Just in biofuel tuning, that often shows up on the other, depending on which side of the head it’s on, the spinning, the masculine or the feminine, the right to the left, people generally can have hip issues on the opposite side. So the spinning, that spinning pattern can show up as this energy of manifesting itself in the hips. So I just wanted to share that briefly too. That biofuel is connected.
Amy Douglas: Everything is connected. I had biofuel tuning done for the first time when I was in Costa Rica doing my human design reader training, which was magical. And I was blown away by that experience. And boy, you were spot on. You were beacon right to me when you shared that because I do. I carry a lot of that in my hips. And she spent a lot of time with me. And then, of course, I was so what’s the word I wanna use? Naive. I was like, oh my god. I feel fantastic. Like, this is great. Like, I’m so grateful for you. I think I joked not even knowing that I was joking that I was fit and she just kinda laughed at me. She’s like, so this was just one sis.
Victoria Volk: Yeah. Exactly.
Amy Douglas: You’re gonna go back to your ways and it’s all gonna be what but it just it was really it was very enlightening and so brilliantly, Orca’s rated for me to learn more about myself. So, yeah, that modality is no joke. Very powerful.
Victoria Volk: And it’s all about science too, which I geek out on. When people are looking for their at their human design, which they can get at mybodygraph.com, then I’ll put a link in the show notes. When they’re first looking at their body graph for me too, like, I think I looked into it maybe over a year ago and it was a lot. It’s overwhelming. It’s like, okay.
well, great that’s I’m a manifestor. So what? You know? But I think what I’ve uncovered as I’ve been diving back into it recently, is how it’s impacted my relationships, like learning about how my design rubs up against others people’s design. Right? Like, how we show up in relationships. That has been a like, that’s been, like, mind-blowing for me to have certain awarenesses. Around my energy of, what’s the word, initiating others, and the impact that can have and not really understanding that power that my energy holds. Two, and how as a manifestor, like yourself, how this aura that we have, it’s not easily penetrated and which explains why my circle has is very small. Right? Like, I surround myself with, like, small quality relationships rather than quantity. So I’ve been personally learning a lot, which has been what which has been really fun. And it really is an experiment. Right? It’s an experiment. Like, once you know this stuff, like, experimenting with it and seeing how it shows up. So someone, I’ll shut up now, looking at their human design. What are some areas that you can you speak to the different energy centers, whether they’re defined or undefined and how that relates to grief?
Amy Douglas: Yes. Yes. So there are nine different centers. So everybody has a body graph that holds nine centers. What’s different and unique is what your activations are and what that means is if you have certain things quote unquote lit up or defined, there’s color to them in your design. And so of the nine centers, each one holds us very specific energy within it. And I love to get people really in tune with the energy that’s offered in each of the centers. If that’s something that you’re just wanting to take on and get just your beat wet with. That’s a really good place to just kinda start understanding it because language can be used that you understand. So we’ll just stop start at the top of the house, the head center. The head center is a pressure center, and it’s a very curious center. Whether you’re defined or not. If you’re defined, you’re very you have consistent clear access to the energy in that center, and this is where inspiration and our questions come from. And so I want you to think, you, Victoria, have it defined. I do not. So oftentimes, you don’t necessarily need to pay. You’re not observing necessarily what’s going on outside of you and how this speaks to grief, where I am very attuned to what’s going on in my world because it’s where I get inspired. Your inspiration comes from within you.
Amy Douglas: So I want you to hear how grief can get trapped. This is, again, my perspective, this is not the law each person. That’s what I love about design. It’s your own experiment. It’s your own experience. But the way that I see grief can get trapped here or that you can present with it is, again, it’s this I must like, I have all these questions. And for you, you’re stuck in your own sense of questioning, and there’s a loop that happens. And for me, it’s like, everybody else must know the answer to this. Everybody else, it’s so either you’re looking outside or you’re trapped within. And that’s kind of where grief can sit there. And this is going to be a pattern you’re going to hear as I go through these nine. So then we’ll move down to the ashna.
Amy Douglas: The ashna is the center that answers the questions that come in the head and it’s an awareness center. So it’s not the same pressure that’s in the head. I must do the thing. I must get the answer. This is oh, I must conceptualize everything that’s coming through. You, Victoria, have it defined. I do not. So you’re just spinning with concept realizing, you know, like, why do I have this Greek? Why is it still here? What does this mean to me? Why can’t I move past it? And I’m pretending to be certain about, well, this is why and this is what I to do. Right? Like there’s I’m kind of, like, glossing over it, not letting myself sit with it as much. And the awareness of it, I’m not sure what the hell to do with it. That’s that’s just through truth, and you know what to do with it. And yet, what you’re doing with could be on a spin cycle. It could be that energy of stuckness. Okay?
Victoria Volk: Is this where that pollyanna kind of Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Thank you.
Amy Douglas: Yeah. So then the throat center, is our manifestation centers, our communication centers, how we let out what’s going on in our body to the rest of the world to know what’s happening. This is such an important center as it relates to grief. So whether you’re defined or undefined. Defined we often have a very consistent way of our articulating what we’re experiencing. As manifestors, sometimes it’s gonna come out as anger, especially when we’re misaligned. And so just watch out for that. We don’t It’s not personal. Right? And especially if we have emotional authority, and I’m talking layers on, you hear some conditions to this, but it’s just there are layers to this system. I’m trying to make it just really user friendly and digestible.
Amy Douglas: But if someone has this undefined, they are great speaking on behalf of others, but this is really important to empower yourself that it’s safe to share. Find the platform. For me personally, with my design, I want to process it myself a lot before I’ll let someone else in and whom very much to your point, we keep a very small circle of Victoria and that’s okay. It’s okay. It’s important. It’s how we protect ourselves. And that’s our unique, org type as a manifestor. A manifesting generator would have a million people they’re gonna talk to it. Right? There’s just like the more the merrier, right, type of thing. So there are layers to helping you identify how you can empower yourself to move that energy, that emotion out of your beautiful communication center to allow you because oftentimes what happens is when we hear it come out We’re like, we can then have an opportunity to have a reflection. No different when we’re sharing it with someone else. It empowers them to have an objective perspective. So really choose wisely. Right? You don’t want someone that’s trying to manipulate your situation. Oh, you just need to get over it. That is not the person that you wanna share this with.
Victoria Volk: So can I ask quickly then, is that is that the splenic? Speaking, because, you know, the very emotional. I’m an emotional authority. You’re an emotional authority. So when we hear, you should just get over it. Is that a splenic authority speaking? With the deep mind, throat or not necessarily?
Amy Douglas: I think it’s just somebody who’s deeply conditioned and it’s not okay to speak your truth and what you’re going through. And so I don’t want to because someone who’s splenic could also just be such a beautiful presence for them to reflect something back to you. In a very safe space container, splenic authority, people are just like super in the moment, but they’re not gonna be someone that’s gonna necessarily spout out something that could potentially be just like limiting. That feels limiting. Just get over. It feels very limiting. Like, you’re not even giving me the space. To want to share what I’m experiencing. So I don’t wanna label it as because I’m sharing that that feels hard and harsh. Right? And that design our designs have the opportunity to have low vibe and high vibe. That’s just all there is to it. And so while someone could express it either way. I don’t wanna put parameters necessarily around, you know, where the definition is.
Victoria Volk: That makes sense. I almost I almost feel like a splenic. It would be it’s almost like they’re almost the type that they may not speak all the time or they may not be the one that’s always talking, but yet when they talk, people listen.
Speaker 1: Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Definitely. And again, the worst thing we can do for someone that does have splenic authority is ask them, are you sure? Because it’s so in the moment. And you and I who have emotional authority asking us, are we sure? It’s kind of like a joke. Well, hell, I don’t know. This is just kind of how I feel. It feels really real really I feel really sure about it at the moment, but let’s check back with me. That’s why we say there’s no truth in the now. But it feels very true for us in the moment. So that communication center is so important. Now, if you have this undefined, it’s important to surround yourself with people that will give you the spaciousness to not limit how long it takes you to get to what you’re wanting to share. You and I, Victoria versus Saint. We’re probably gonna whip it out in no time. But someone that has an undefined throat has a lot that they’re they may, you know, come around and dance around it a little bit and then come back. And that’s okay and it’s beautiful. But again, it’s really empowering yourself just surround yourself with someone that is aligned to listen to what you’re allowing yourself to get out. And then you’re gonna have aha’s from it. And if you have that safe trusted person, they’re gonna have some really, you know, deep reflections for you. That’s why talk therapy, coaching scenarios, that kind of thing, helps you I can’t see inside my own glass. So journaling, inviting myself to audio, you know, file what I’m going through, helps me see it, but it’s still my glass letting someone else help shine the light on what I’m experiencing is so important. Such a big piece of releasing grief. Right?
Victoria Volk: Oh, that was good. Okay.
Amy Douglas: G Center. G Center is all about your sense of direction, sense of who you are, where you’re going. And grief here can be trapped in I don’t know who I am now that I don’t have this person in my life or I’ve had this, loss or breakup or fill in the blank with whatever it is, and I’m lost without them. And I do not have a defined g center nor do you Victoria and we’re kind of meant to quote unquote feel lost. And that’s okay because it, there are breadcrumbs that lead us to the next thing that we’re meant to experience. But this is where we could get locked into that cycle of, like, oh my gosh, I can’t exist now. I can’t do this, and that is so not true. It’s just It’s not true. It’s a story we’re telling ourselves. And so when we you start to hear that kind of thing, it’s like, oh, okay. And then for someone that might have it defined who’s always been on a certain path and always know who they are and express themselves that way, and then they get jolted out of that reality they could be in a spin cycle too because now they don’t have their own sense of self. And this is where I’m gonna come back to. This is the deep self-work that is necessary. Like, I know who I am. I know where I’m going. I love myself. Those are the things that come out of that beautiful G center. So really inviting yourself to connect back to that and whatever practice feels the mind for you. Then we move on to the beautiful, powerful, heart center, The heart center one would think this is where holds all of our emotions. No. This is our will power. And this is our enoughness. I like to call the enoughness center. And so just think about that. I mean, we could just put a pin in it right there.
Amy Douglas: If you already are experiencing something in your life that is emtronic or whether it’s loss, whether it is just anything that just feels really, really hard. Somebody that doesn’t have this defined like me, Victoria, you do. My go to is, well, I wasn’t worthy of it or I didn’t deserve it or I’m not enough type of energy. I must prove myself for that to be my thing. And that could be a really shitty spin cycle. For someone who’s experiencing grief and trauma and trying to move through something, where for you that has it defined. You could go in a bit of a spin cycle too of this is not what I wanted for myself. This is not what I desired. How did I allow this to happen? Right? Like, it’s that control thing. There’s a lot of control, energy, controlling of resources, that kind of thing, controlling of my community in the heart center. And so if you feel out of control of it for someone who has that defined, you can start telling yourself stories with that too. And I hope what everybody’s hearing, I’m here now in the fifth of nine centers. Again, so much is this of you. What you’re empowering yourself to believe about yourself. And guess what the gift of that is, the only work that has to be done is on you because we cannot control anything around us. We cannot control the media, which I don’t even listen to. I’m not even on social media hardly ever. So that I mean, and I would we could have a whole episode on what those things do to get trapped in someone’s body.
Amy Douglas: So if you wanna start somewhere, shut that shit off in your life. And allow yourself to be with you, period. My sister, my oldest sister, who’s a splenic manifestor, just went on a seven night silent retreat. To shine the light on herself for what she’s like, I’m fifty six. I’m done with this. I’m gonna work on it. And I gave her some little pointers, which was fun, but it’s important that we give ourselves the spaciousness to focus on ourselves And so with every center I’m going through, I want you to hear this is what you can do for you. I want so many of your of the anybody that’s willing to listen to understand this work can be done on yourself to heal. It’s so important. And so while we look outside of ourselves a lot, when you shine the light within, it’s important that we give ourselves the spaciousness to do that.
Amy Douglas: Then we move on to the emotional solar plexus, such a fun center. Fifty one percent of the population has this defined, so you’re either defined. Or you’re with somebody around somebody that’s not. Right? So this is where all those emotions and those feelings and those moods and just it could be very a very tumultuous center. It’s packs a punch for sure. And so what I wanna say here is, first and foremost, if you’re defined, I want you to celebrate it. I definitely resisted celebrating it because you are wired and mechanically built to process your emotions. You are built for this. If it is undefined, it doesn’t mean you’re not built for this. What I want you to do first and foremost is to check-in with yourself if the emotions that you’re feeling are even yours. Because when you’re undefined in the sender, you are feeling it. The magnitude of it is amplified by anyone around you that does have it defined. So think about a grief cycle if there’s a loss in the family. And you’re the only one that doesn’t have that center defined. And that people around you are processing their emotions. They’re spitting them out, sharing them, that kind of thing. And you’re it doesn’t feel safe for you to do that. But then you’re feeling the emotions of everyone else amplified.
Amy Douglas: I have a perfect example of this I shared in the last episode that my beautiful sister’s husband passed away right after my dad did and her precious at the time sixteen year old daughter was the one that found her dad in the shower gone, lesser heart. And this precious my beautiful precious niece has, really had a road to go of because she was and her daddy was everything. Right? And she is the only one in her little immediate family that has a defined solar plexus. My sister and her son. So, my niece’s brother do not have a defined solar plexus. Okay? So every time something was happening in her life and what she was experiencing when she was going to express it. My beautiful sister was there just holding her with it. But my sister was amplifying what she was experiencing and her daughter felt as though she had to comfort her own mom Right? Because it was just like it was so much for my sister. And because we are built to navigate it, then we kind of take over the soothing and comforting.
Amy Douglas: And so another way for you to look at and shine a light on how am I moving through my emotions. Am I sure that they’re mine? Am I taking on that of others? Wow, in a grief scenario, I mean, if we could shine like there’s two centers and that I want to touch on, and this one is a huge one that to do with feelings and moods and emotions and what you’re going through. So knowing this could be a huge catalyst for how you allow yourself to process what you’re going through. And there are so many ways to allow yourself to move through it, is the awareness alone is gonna be really key.
Victoria Volk: Do I have it defined?
Amy Douglas: You too. Yeah. Because that’s what makes this that makes this emotional. Yeah. We have that beautiful thirty-five, thirty six.
Victoria Volk: Yeah. So I mean, what you’re saying in a nutshell is those that have it defined become the emotional caretakers?
Amy Douglas: Because we’re kind of built for it. But then but then can you imagine the person who does it and what they’re feeling they’re feeling it like on steroids. And it’s not like those of us aren’t feeling it that way too. I’m not trying to minimize it, but we’re mechanically built to allow ourselves to process it. And someone that doesn’t, they’re not consistently wired to process it, and then they’re feeling the impact of everybody else around them that is consistently wired. So then they’re like, it’s really important to identify. Is this mine? Must I carry this? Or can I lovingly put it on that soft little fluffy cloud and let it move on by? And then I can sit with and be me again. And so it’s like allowing yourself to truly physically move out at the energetic space of those that have it defined so that you can check back in with yourself. Am I okay? Is this mind to carry? Is this mind to process? Do I have to do anything with this? Because you don’t. And by the way, those are how this undefined, this solar plexus undefined, you really avoid conflict and confrontation anyway and sometimes truth because it’s hard. You don’t like, well, what do I do with it? Where those of us haven’t defined aligned, deconditioned. We’re like, I’m hitting this head on. Right? Mhmm. And I avoided this. You guys I’m not trying to make this sound so simple. I avoided my emotions for years. I stepped it down with foods deliciously so I didn’t have to deal with it. And I’m grateful that that was a tool I had in my tool built to provide me comfort. And now I want to do it in a way that feels so much more empowering and not filled with guilt and shame because anybody that has had an eating, a challenge, a challenging relationship with eating and food, don’t want to feel shame or what they choose to feel their body with. Right? So it’s there’s a lot of letting go there as well. I had a lot of grief of letting go of my relationship with food, for sure, because it had been such a tool I’d use to comfort myself for so long, so then it’s like crap, what do I use now?
Victoria Volk: Well, and look at where the the solar plexus is. Right? Yeah. The whole gastro into
Amy Douglas: Oh yes,
Victoria Volk: It’s a little stomach. Like, you know, the organs that are there. Right?
Amy Douglas: Yes.
Victoria Volk: Yes. Is this where is this the center where we see projection manifest too? Is this word
Amy Douglas: Say more?
Victoria Volk: So, like, if I’m projecting my feelings onto other people.
Amy Douglas: Oh, yeah.
Victoria Volk: Is this word that coming from. And is that Yes. More app to be someone who’s defined as undefined? Okay. Yes.
Amy Douglas: Yes. Yeah. Because undefined is just kinda, like, like, I’ll have my undefined people in my life reach out to me and they’ll be like, are you feeling? How are you feeling today? Even my son who is also defined, but our designs are so similar. He’ll, like, send me a text. Mama, how are you feeling today? Anything going on? Because he’s because we, like, channel each other’s. My daughter, my son and I, we channeled each other stuff. My son was nauseous, like the whole time my daughter was pregnant. It’s just like you can’t make this stuff up. And so he’s just checking in. Even though all three of us are emotionally defined, we can still feel that. It’s just we have a more consistent way to process it especially once we’re more aware. That’s that’s the key. Right? Awareness
Victoria Volk: Can I ask to like, is this where someone would think that they might be highly sensitive? Or
Amy Douglas: Yes. Like, empathic. Empathic. Yes.
Victoria Volk: Yeah. So Okay.
Amy Douglas: So highly sensitive empath typically equals not defined. Right? Because the theory although, I would say, I’m very sensitive. I’m quite seasoned.
Victoria Volk: Yeah. I think. Yeah. That’s why I’m asking
Amy Douglas: I would say that I’m definitely an empath. Hello? I’m here. I’m a healer. I’m here to help others. I know that. And yet, of course, I am because I’m not so depleted. Because I have the consistent, you know, way of allowing myself to process it. Now, it took practice of, please, if you’re listening to your I did not feel that way, neither did I in the beginning.
Victoria Volk: I didn’t either.
Amy Douglas: Right. It took practice. But the person who has this undefined is just like, and they feel it and they take it on and it can manifest as things in their body for sure. Like, adrenals can just be go shot. And it’s just it’s important to really check-in on, is this yours to carry or not? And I really empowered myself to create a practice when I was done with the client session of just it’s this isn’t mine. I’m gonna send them some energetic love. They are fully equipped to handle this and move through this. And I’m here to support them, but it is not mine to carry going forward because they were in the beginning, I definitely carried it. Definitely carried it.
Amy Douglas: Okay. A beautiful sacral center. So seventy percent of the population has this defined. Victoria and I do not. Okay. So this is a powerhouse. This is the life force energy, the generational, let’s go go go type of thing. I can do the thing. And so someone that has this defined, which is likely, the dominating, parts of your listenership. I mean, that’s just, the population, that’s how it is. They often where how grief can set with them is I shouldn’t be still dealing with this. Right? Like, I must do the thing to move through it. This is where escapism can often set in. From my perspective, this is what I have witnessed, and I shared very briefly, but my partner lost his son in twenty one, his middle son, to an ATV accident at the young age of twenty. And my partner has a defined sacral. And so you kinda just wanna go and do just do. Just use that energy, do do do. And my invitation for someone is while I want you to move through, but I don’t want you to escape from it. And so just really checking in with, am I using this energy, this fuel to my highest good? Am I using this in a healthy way? And those of us that don’t have it defined, it’s this feeling of, I’m not doing enough. Another enough center. And so just checking in. I’m moving through what I’m experiencing at my pace and it’s beautiful. And then for the person that has the equipped energy, are we trying to escape from anything here? And am I just constantly being busy? So I don’t have to deal with this. And I would say, I showed up on my life as a manifesting generator until I knew. I was very conditioned to show up that way. And this is exactly I dismissed my emotions and I just stayed busy. Because if I stayed busy, I didn’t have to deal with it. Right? And so I was very misaligned with how I was using, you know, my beautiful design.
Amy Douglas: Okay. The spleen, we touched a little bit on, but this is that second center that can really, really impact how you’re processing and empowering yourself to move through grief because the spleen is a primal instinct. It’s your health. It’s your well-being. It’s what must I do to survive? And the spleen is with the area that we tend to hold on to things that are no longer serving us. So I want you to think about this from the perspective of if you’re holding on to the light that you had before the traumatic experience occurred, then you’re not letting yourself move forward. And whether it’s defined or not, we can definitely hold on to things, but it is a lot more common for someone who has this undefined to be living in a very fear-based state. And not letting themselves move through what’s no longer serving them. It’s great to hold on to the memories, but it’s just time to live in the present, and the spleen is very present moment to moment. And so it’s inviting you to process where you are in the exact moment that you’re at. And it’s another awareness center. It’s a very powerful awareness center because it can empower you to shine the light on what am I doing right now? Is the serving point me? What can I do to empower myself to move forward? Like, one of the gates, is like fear of repeating the past. And so if you’re stuck in a spin cycle of I created this trauma in my life that I’m now grieving from, but I’m afraid to do anything else, because, what if I repeat the same thing that I just did? And the thought processes is your spleen is there to tell you in the moment to moment what is best for you? Are you willing to listen? Can you shut off your head center telling you, you must do this, you must do that? Can you shut off if your emotions? Can you not shut them off? But can you navigate those long enough to allow yourself to hear what the spleen is telling you? Because it’s always guiding you to your highest truth. The low vibe of this, and you don’t listen, we dismiss it. It’s that sixth sense you guys. It’s the one that we’re taught to dismiss. It’s the one that you’re like your hair stands up and you’re like, why did that happen? But we we don’t we can’t describe, we can’t defend it, and this is the area that we don’t wanna ask, are you sure? Right? Because it is it is so it’s intuitive, but it’s also very like I said, it’s just it’s in the moment. It’s instinct. It’s primal. And so if you’re holding a lot of grief in this area, forward movement probably isn’t occurring. So what’s not serving you? What could I do different in this very moment? And am I letting whatever is going on in my head dictate what I’m doing because we’re not meant to make decisions anywhere above the throat.
Victoria Volk: Oh, and if you haven’t defined ashna, and then you have an open solar plexus. Like, that’s like a that’s a triple threat.
Amy Douglas: Yes. Yes. Again, we chose this, so we’re not trying to say, oh, god if anybody’s looking at the design, like, shit. No. I have that. No. No. This says awareness. Okay. No. No. No. And I’m not gonna do this going forward. Right? Yes. Everybody’s design it was beautifully orchestrated the way that you chose, and it’s so unique. And so let’s let’s empower ourselves to attach to it in a way that invites us to move in the direction of the alignment that we, you know, really ultimately created for ourselves.
Amy Douglas: The last center is the root center. Anybody that knows anything about the shock resistant, this is that grounding center, but it’s also a pressure center. It’s the pressure to do. It’s the pressure pressure pressure pressure pressure. And what I see as potential grief in this center and the body parts that it’s connected to definitely has to do with not taking any kind of action. No for no, like, I’m gonna just stay quote unquote stuck. The pressure is there for me to do something different, I don’t know what to do with it. And if you have it undefined, you’re likely feeling pressure from everything outside of you, and if that doesn’t feel aligned, that’s because it’s not your pressure again. Anything that’s not defined is coming from outside of you check-in if it’s yours and this root pressure to do to be to act to whatever. It’s meant to be for your highest goods, so just check-in. And this is another one of those kind of timing things. It’s it’s a timing center. I have it defined. I feel pressure all the time, but mine is connected to my spleen. So mine is not talking to my solar plexus at all. And so mine is connected to my spleen, which is moment to moment. And so, oftentimes, my pressure is truly movement to move through things to take action on things. And from a grief perspective, I can also share that I felt like this would because I didn’t have the define I don’t have the define sacral. This is kind of probably where I felt the moment to moment. I must do something because whatever I was doing wasn’t serving me, and I was aware of that from my spleen. And so I might let’s let’s move let’s move this move. Or maybe giving myself the spaciousness to sit in some stillness and process what I was experiencing before I just let myself jump and go do something because there was a little bit of escapism in that center for me, within the absence of the sacral. So I know that was a lot, but it just just the energy of understanding that can be such a catalyst for your own healing. I mean, it’s such a beautiful journey anyway. And I’m giving yourself this spaciousness to learn some of this can be a real game changer. Just I mean, I can. I’m living proof.
Victoria Volk: And can you speak to a little bit of the gate was it thirty six sixty four? Or is that oh, no. The gate of crisis, which is oh,
Amy Douglas: Thirty six. Yeah. That is a gate thirty six crisis.
Victoria Volk: Yeah. Can we speak to that a little bit? Because if people are, because this is oh, grief. Right? So
Amy Douglas: You know, I mean, it’s gate thirty six is my main sun gates. And what that means for anybody when they’re looking. It’s it’s the most prominent energy in my design. K? It’s what I chose for myself and it’s in the solar plexus and I have the solar plexus defined. Because you can have your main sun gate in a center that’s not defined. That’s that’s beautiful too different journey. And so even like I shared in our past episode, it’s not that I feel like I just navigated a ton of really tumultuous, chaotic crises in my life. But then when I go to share them with people, they’re usually just like blown away and I’m like, oh, but I’m really built for this. What’s important for me is to share my emotional experiences, how I have navigated them with others. That is literally what I was that’s what people need from me. Your main sun gate is the energy that people need from you. And so my thirty six, what they need is for me to share what I have experienced and navigated, which by the way, I didn’t do. I didn’t even tell anybody in my family I was getting divorced. Right? Like, I am one that I kind of hermit when things are going on. And I’m really, while I know why I do that. It’s my twelve twenty two energy, which is also an emotional wave. But that’s important for me to kinda glean what I’m experiencing before. I’m ready to articulate it to the other. And then once I do, it gives permission to others to navigate their own. Because when we’re silent about these things and remember, I had built a facade that made it look like I had everything figured out and everything was fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. Everything’s fine. Everything’s always fine. You know, I can handle this. I can do this. I mean, that’s the energy I held, which was so not true. I was completely broken on the inside. But now I see that this thirty six, this gate of crisis is really important for me to share what I have gone through. So if you have this activated in your design, you’re built and you’re wired for these things. And you often may not feel like it has been a perpetual crisis in your life. I joked with Victoria before we started today, morning started out with a couple of crisei, and I literally just gave myself a moment of, okay, cool. That’s how we’re starting today. You know, I see you. I’m gonna put you on a bookshelf and I’ll come back to you, because I have things. But that has been so much work that has empowered me to get to that point. If recognizing acknowledging, this is what I’m built and wired to do. So if it is defining in your body graph, you’re wired for it. If it’s not defined, you’re probably gonna feel it a bunch more when you’re around somebody that it is. And it probably feels harder, you know? And that’s okay. Okay, that’s what you chose. So let’s find a way to help you navigate through it.
Victoria Volk: So if someone is looking, if let’s say, someone’s listening, and they’re looking at their body graph, and they’re looking at their spouses. Mhmm. So what are some things that you look at as a body graph reader when you’re looking at relationships?
Amy Douglas: Oh, it’s one of my favorite things to do. It’s so fun to help someone really shine a light. We call them connection charts. Okay? So that’s where we have the opportunity to put two body graphs together and see how they relate, interact, connect. And when we do that, you have the each individual on each side, you know, so that we’re all individual. But then when we come together, you get to see the gift of what happens in that dynamic. And I like to tell people that there are what’s called like attraction channels, there are these electromagnetic sparks. So it’s like, you have a gate that marries to a gate of mine that then we connect, and then it lights up to centers. And it’s just like, hey, we feel like you can clean me, that Jerry McGuire bullshit. Right? Like, when it completes us people, we’re all complete humans, but it can really feel like, oh my gosh. Get me. And then, like, you and I, Victoria, we both share a channel. So you and I both have the thirty five, thirty six, so, like, we get each other. We can talk about that.
Amy Douglas: But then there are ones that can be more dominating, so you’ve got the whole channel, or the compromise where you’ve got the whole channel and I just have one part of it, not the whole thing that compromise is where I really like to pull people and just help them create awareness. I know I’ve said that word we could probably put a counter out there for this is where friction could occur. Because you’re dominating in this area and I have a snippet of it, but you’re trying to pull me to believe your way of seeing this. And while I’m happy to witness the way that you see it, but it doesn’t have to I don’t have to see it your way. And can you imagine the conflict that happens in just that area. And then, like, with those electromagnetic and the things, it’s, like, all of a sudden, if your partner didn’t have a defined spleen, but being with you, they do. They’re probably gonna feel really safe with you. Like, it’s just it’s trying to light on how we support one another. And then wears their potential for our own growth in our journey. And I always offer it like as soon as I learn design, I did my son and his girlfriends and my daughter and her now husband, and I was like, okay, you guys now look, I am helping shine a light on potential friction in the future. But now that you have awareness for it, there doesn’t have to be any friction. And I’m not trying to be like polyana sunshine and puppies. Right? We still are humans. But oftentimes, the conflict that arises is based on our conditioning. It’s like, oh, we had a core wound there.
You just hit on it. This is where we get that opportunity. Communication is everything in relationship. And so when you can see this, like, I do I often do this as gifts, for people that get married, like, okay, people this is what I see. And so I’ll just do a recorded thing. Now some of them wanna do it live, which is great because they wanna ask questions. But oftentimes, the husband is not nearly as intimate nor offense to any of your male listeners, but they’re like, look, I got this figured out. But then the ahas that come out of it are just I did it for one couple and literally she was like, she sidebar, she wanted me to find all these things. She’s like, oh my god. This annoys me about him and this and this. Can you touch on these things so he’ll stop doing that? And as it turned out, she was such a controlling force and he had an undefined throat and hers was defined. She was speaking over him for him all the things and so I shined a light in a totally different way than what she was asking me to. She said they stayed up all night talking about the reading because we did it live and that I still check-in on them. And their their communication is so much better. She no longer speaks for him. Like, the things that you can glean from what you understand that’s the gift that I see so much in human design is that it offers us to see why someone is the way they are.
Amy Douglas: Now we can’t always see all the conditioned stuff. But it’s like, oh, I understand. It’s okay. You’re beautifully different than me. And that’s beautiful. And it’s okay. But boy in a connection chart, you’re like, when we bring pull together, it’s important that they see those differences and start instead of trying to forever and always change someone. I don’t wanna be changed. Why am I trying to change anybody? Right? It has empowered me to see my partnership. It’s such a more beautiful light. And then you can even do it for the whole family dynamic, which is called a Penta, which is just layers and layers Victoria.
Right?
Victoria Volk: Well, and I can see the value in that as for a parent and a child. Yes. Especially getting to those teen years maybe, probably even before, maybe, nip stuff in the bud. Right? Do it when they’re
Amy Douglas: Oh my gosh. And those are some of my favorite mini readings. Like, I’ve done it for moms with their kiddo. They’re like, what? You just tell me tell me what’s going on.
Their designs are so different And this one instance, I just did that little twenty five minute audio file for her precious little daughter. And the mom listened to it a couple times, and she got her husband to listen to it. And finally, they listened to it as family totally changed the dynamic in the household. I mean, twenty five minutes, guys. Like, are we kidding?
Can I get that simple? Yes, it can. Just showing and highlighting the different ways that we show up in the world just removes a lot of conflict, you know. And therefore, probably a lot of grief in a relationship and, you know, what you’re navigating in your life, how you’re processing. It’s like, oh, I see how you’re doing that. I want to give you space to do that. You don’t have to do it my way. You know, I was raised where the way they it was done was the way to do it, like, from, you know, a hierarchical perspective. I dropped the hierarchy once I got divorced. I said, nope. We’re all equals here, you know, and everybody gets a voice. This is before I even knew design. I’m so grateful I did because that hierarchy while I get it, I hear parents out there going, well, wait, then who’s in charge? Well, sometimes my I mean, my kids have been my greatest teachers, so maybe sometimes they were more in charge. Even though I was the head of the household. And that’s okay.
Victoria VOlk: I just had an idea. So if I had your knowledge, and your know how, I think this would be super fun. To host, like, a people would register, pay, and register to have you would get their body graph, individuals who are looking for their match. Looking for love. Looking for like, looking for the real deal. Right? Mhmm. And you a host like this It’s like speed dating. Right? Except you’ve paired them based on their body graph. Like, wouldn’t that be amazing?
Amy Douglas: Oh my god, I would love to see that unfold. That could be so much fun because really I’m just saying from what I see because I have no controller of how they’re conditioned. Right? Right. And so I cannot see, what has happened from that perspective.
I’m literally just looking at their blueprint. Right? Their body graph, but And so based on that, there was, like, electromagnetic sparks and how they could see and support one another. That could be so fun. But outside of the conditioning, then they take it from there. Right? They take it from there.
Victoria Volk: Yeah. The body graph matchmaker.
Amy Douglas: Oh my god. That’d be so fun
Victoria Volk: I just, like, gave an idea to the masses so you better know. You want me to edit this out later? Just let me know.
Amy Douglas: No act. No. Maybe someone will get us get on board with us to do it. That’d be great. You know, we’re the initiators, Victoria. We don’t see this thing.
Victoria Volk: That’s true.
Amy Douglas: He’s gonna build this for us. You just drop that out as magically as you’re meant to, and now somebody else can get in touch with this and say, alright, we’re ready to do this.
Victoria Volk: Oh, couldn’t you, like, matchmaker cafe? Like, body graph matchmaking cafe, like, seriously, like, I’m just, like, oh, yeah.
Amy Douglas: That could be so fun. That could be so fun. And again, there’s no it’s there’s no absolutes to this. What you do with it from here is up to you, you know, because especially if you’re not truly living into your design.
Victoria Volk: That’s true.
Amy Douglas: Could be really different. Really different.
Victoria Volk: So what are some examples that you’ve seen? I mean, you don’t have no names or anything like that. But examples of how someone’s graph was manifesting as grief in their life, like areas of challenge and things like that, like different examples. Can you give a few?
Amy Douglas: My goodness. Yes. Yes. Yes. So I had a beautiful client who was navigating a divorce and when we started working together, it wasn’t she wasn’t to the place yet where she was ready to allow herself to believe that divorce was the right path. Mhmm. And she’d experienced a divorce already. So can you imagine you’re letting yourself believe that you’re not enough? I did this wrong again repeating the past, you know, those fear centers and that was the heart and the spleen that I just touched on, those two centers, you know. God, I’m just gonna do this again and then again. And we looked and navigated the energy in her design and what she was holding on to that was no longer serving her. And really inviting her to get out of her head, you know, that definition up there she was defined and it just believing that logic and was the way to make decisions for herself which was not at all the way and where she did was dismissing her emotions because she’s emotionally defined and where she was just dismissing those completely, which had so many messages oh my gosh, you guys, like, what we’re feeling, what our body is navigating, those pings, those, like, oh, those are just crystal clear messages that we get to tune into, but our mind wants to shut them down and dismiss them. And she really allowed herself to go deep, really, really deep, and the divorce was hard. And we looked at his design and it made a lot of sense of where he had a lot of stuckness he was very, very well defined, almost all centers defined. So those people don’t have a tendency to be as flexible. And so and he and he wasn’t willing to listen or change or really have open communication. And so it was important for her to move past that and not carry the things that he wasn’t willing to change. As if she did something wrong or wasn’t enough. Oh my goodness. She is flourishing now. She is such a beautiful aligned human and an amazing relationship that is so so aligned. And I think empowering herself to see so much of how she was trapping. Like, she had a lot of body pain. We talk about the hip, but those kind of thing. She had a lot of that, and that is stored grief. I am a firm believer that, like, Fibromyalgia has just stored grief. And I’m not minimizing. I’m not saying that if you can invite yourself to find practices to help, like, whether it’s cathartic, whatever it is to move through it, you’d be amazed how the body will respond to that, and hers has responded beautifully beautifully. So it is possible. It’s so possible.
Amy Douglas: I had another one who had just more of a traumatic childhood Open heart, energy were not enoughness. And she had what we refer to as sacral authority, that life force energy. So it’s that gut response. You know, you know in the moment what the thing is to do. And that’s the center you can ask, are you sure? Like, okay, just checking in. Do I have enough information? Is this right? She wasn’t operating from that. Again, head definition, she was operating from okay. So I have all these stored experiences. I was always told I wasn’t enough. I know I have to prove myself because my heart’s open. Right? So, I must prove I’m valuable and I’m worthy, and I’m not trusting my gut responses, so I’m navigating, I’m getting all the sources out side of me to tell me what’s right, and then I’m checking in with my logic and my head telling me if that is right. So she’s dismissing all of her body wisdom. So we kept coming back to does that feel in your body? What is your body telling you? Bringing her back to her body wisdom? Oh my goodness. How she operates is such a different human now? It’s just so you could hear it in her voice in the way that she breathes, and having to completely open solar plexus, she’s not taken on the shit of the people around her. You know, that’s what she was doing. She was really caring that and harboring that and not having a defined spleen. She was scared to death about a lot of things. Like, she didn’t have to be. That’s a choice. It’s a choice because fear and excitement are born in the same place in your body. Your mind is the one that labels it as such. And so you guys, once you can see what you chose for yourself and how you’re operating outside of it, taking the steps and the decommissioning to move into the alignment of what you chose for yourself helps you move it out of you, that grief the traumas, the stuckness out of you.
Victoria Volk: Oh, this was so good. So good. Jam packed with information that I know will serve so many people who listen to this. So if you’re listening to this and you found this helpful and beneficial. And you’re curious and interested in human design. I highly recommend you check out your own body graph and listen to this episode again. If you’re, listen to it and I’m like, oh, I’m gonna check out my body graph and then come back and listen to it again because will listen to this as I edit it, but they’ll probably listen again just because there’s so you always hear something new, I think.
Amy Douglas: So you ready for it. Right? Like, you integrate in chunk sizes. That’s why that’s why when I do readings, I start with the foundational one. And then we can go deeper.
But it’s important you empower yourself to integrate what you have learned so that you’re available to learn the next, you know, snippet. And we all do that. And again, that’s an awareness thing too. So and I would love to offer any of your listeners just like I did on the last one that twenty five percent off of any of my readings using the coupon code “Grieving Voices”.
Victoria Volk: Yes. And I will put that information in the show notes as well. Anything any other final thoughts? Anything you’d like to share?
Amy Douglas: Well, I also have a podcast. So if you’re curious, you did about hearing about lived experiences. We, my podcast co-host and I, our podcast “Love Human. Be Spirt. And we share all of our lived experiences and a lot of minor emotional folks, okay, through the lens of human design, but we do it in a very like, we don’t we try not to use a lot of the human design words because they’re weird, but we try to share with you just our lived experiences while we’re reflecting on where that might be found in your design and it’s we have a lot of fun doing it. So we try to make it lighthearted. We have a lot of great guests. Victoria. We need to have you on there. So Yes. Yeah. It’s just it’s it’s a safe place to land. We’re not teaching and preaching. But we’re just sharing what we’ve experienced. And I think that is the gift of inviting you to move through things. It’s hearing inviting yourself, I can do oh, they navigated this. I can too. It’s like it’s giving permission to to move through what you’re experiencing and shine the light on bright might be holding on to something that’s not yours.
Victoria Volk: So good. And that’s where we create change in our lives. Right?
Amy Douglas: That’s right. Yes.
Victoria Volk: Well, thank you again for coming back on. Again, we could we go into more layers of this and maybe we will down the road. We’ll see. Because I I have I actually have more work to do with you, and so perhaps I can do another episode and of what I’ve all learned Right? Maybe at that point. So that would be kind of fun. Yeah. Thank you so much for this.
Amy Douglas: Oh, welcome. It’s my pleasure. Yes. I’m happy to be here.
Victoria Volk: And where can they find you?
Amy Douglas: My website, amyadouglas.com.
Victoria Volk: And I will put that in the show notes as well. And in the meantime, remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Grieving Voices Podcast, Pet Loss, Podcast, solo episode |
Grieving the Loss of a Pet
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
The global pet market is worth $261B. Additionally, U.S. pet owners will spend nearly $110B on their pets this year, with $490M on Halloween costumes alone. These stats (and more) are shared on this week’s episode and are provided by PetKeen.com.
More importantly, there are an estimated 14 million pet deaths each year in the U.S., which, when combined with the other 40+ losses, creates a lot of grievers annually.
It’s commonplace to replace the death of a pet with a new one. And as a society, we don’t view the death of a beloved pet in the same way we view the death of the humans in our lives. However, all the same, the death of a pet can be a tremendous loss for someone.
Considering how much we love our pets and how many of us are pet owners, you would think we would be more compassionate toward those who must surrender or say goodbye to a companion who held a pivotal role in their daily lives. And yet, there is still so much education to be done in grief – even when grieving a four-legged fur baby, bird, snake, or whatever creature has captured your heart.
RESOURCES:
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NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk: Good morning, good afternoon, or good evening, whatever time it is you’re listening to this week’s episode. Thank you for being here. If you are liking the podcast and enjoying it, I hope you share it with someone you know or love who may benefit or leave a five-star review on Apple iTunes or wherever you listen and share a few thoughts if you feel inclined to as well. I read all of them and it’s always a joy for me to read how my this podcast is impacting the listeners. And that is you. So thank you for tuning in.
Victoria Volk: And today, I want to piggyback on the last episode with Maha Bodhi, we were talking about her pet loss. And so today, I want to dive into the topic of pet loss a little bit more and in more general terms. And as far as how the grief recovery institute, addresses pet loss, which is very similar to how we address the loss of someone we love or don’t love. Right? Because relationships with people are complicated and sometimes they are less than loving. But nonetheless, even if that relationship is less than loving, there likely is some complex emotions behind that relationship. Right? Because people can disappoint you, they can hurt you, and yet, well, if they’re your parent well, you should love them anyway. Right? You should be grateful that you have a parent. All these things that flood a griever’s mind when it is a less than loving relationship and sometimes too when it is a loving relationship. Right? Because relationships are tricky and challenging and complex. It’s not cut and dry. It’s not black and white. There’s many nuances to relationships because we are complex human beings. So you put complex human beings together, and where do you get? A hodgepodge of complexity.
Victoria Volk: So anyway, today we’re gonna talk about pet loss. And I’m actually going to start this episode by talking about some staggering statistics and trends that I was reading about in preparation for this episode, that I wanna share with you, that just highlight how much we as a society in this, I believe these statistics just apply to well, globally and in just the US. So globally, the pet market is worth two hundred and sixty-one billion dollars. B billion. B billion with a b. And US pet owners will spend nearly a hundred and ten billion dollars, a hundred and ten billion with a b, on their pets this year. Four hunt nook it. This is crazy. Four hundred and ninety million dollars alone will be spent on Halloween costumes. And when this podcast is airing, it is Halloween, so Happy Halloween to you in your little pooch. Who may be dressed up, this Halloween. And another statistic is in the last five years, raw food has seen a hundred and forty percent hundred and forty-seven percent increase in purchasing patterns. In the US, eighty-three percent of dogs and seventeen percent of cats are insured, which that one surprised me. I’ve personally looked into it, but I haven’t gotten insurance from my dog. He’s eight or is he nine? Anyway, he’s a senior citizen at this point. And his name is Gizmo and he’s a purebred habanese. And he’s actually relatively he’s pretty healthy. Aside from a few teeth that have had to been had to be pulled. I think he had two teeth pulled. He hasn’t had any issues, so I got very lucky with a healthy dog.
Victoria Volk: And also more than half of pet owners will or are willing to pay more for eco friendly pet care products. Another interesting statistic is that millennials lead the pack in terms of pet ownership by generation with thirty-two percent of people born between nineteen eighty-one and nineteen ninety-six being pet parents. Nearly one in three millennials has an animal at home and coincidentally, nearly one in three veterinarians in today’s working market are of the millennial generation. Pet ownership is next highest in baby boomers with twenty-seven percent followed by Gen Xers at twenty-four percent. And pet owner pet sitting is also seeing a rise. Two it’s a two-point six billion dollar industry as of twenty nineteen and is continually growing. Pet ownership actually, although it increased during the pandemic, the number of animals adopted from shelters has dropped by twenty percent and that was as of twenty twenty.
Victoria Volk: Yeah. It’s just crazy to me and even like just the pet food and market is valued at twenty-two point eight billion dollars. We all love our pets. Obviously, like, people love their pets. And so why is it in a society of people who love their pets? Is pet loss one of the most minimized losses? Why do people feel like they can’t express their grief when it comes to pet loss? I know not everybody feels that way, but for the most part generally speaking, you know, when someone loses a pet, they don’t feel like they can talk about it because it’s not a human. Right? And we have this hierarchy this unspoken hierarchy I think that human life is more valuable than than pet life or animal life. But to someone who has developed an emotional bond with a pet, of any kind, it doesn’t have to be a dog. It doesn’t have to be cat. Like, the common pets. I mean, a pet can be a snake that someone has emotionally bonded to. I mean, when I’m talking about pet loss, I’m not specifying dog or cat or anything like that, but I’ll just speak to dogs because that’s what I have. Probably more so than any other type of pet. But and I know plenty of cat people too, and I am not a cat person. They’re cute when they’re little, but I don’t know. Cat hair. That’s why I have a dog that doesn’t shed. I am not a fan of animal hair and cats are just they’re kind of rogue. They do what they want. They go where they want. I’m not a fan of that. So, therefore, I am a dog person rather than a cat person.
Victoria Volk: Anyway, we are in a society that minimizes these losses. As a kid, I had to say goodbye to several pets because either the neighbor was unhappy with the dog barking or it had to be tied up outside because I couldn’t have pets in the house. I would always try and bring in stray cats. I was always feeding the strays, trying to bring animals home, I had gone through so many pets. We actually did, this was before I have a memory of it, but apparently when I was really little, we did have a big dog, like a sheep dog, I guess, in the house. And supposedly, he was poisoned. I don’t know that was before my time, but I don’t know. Maybe that must have been really traumatic for my mom and my dad at the time and maybe they swore off no more animals in the house after that. I have no idea. Actually, I should ask my mom about that.
Victoria Volk: But anyway, I digress. Grief Recovery Institute actually has a pet loss program that has been made available by the Grief Recovery Institute and it is a program that I am certified to facilitate in a group or individually. And some might be listening to this and wondering why is there a separate group for pet loss, but like there isn’t a separate group for like people who’ve lost a child or people who are going through a divorce or things like that. The reason is because of something I’ve already mentioned, not the whole reason but a large part of the reason is because when someone who’s had a pet loss to go into a group setting, in particular, with people who have lost a child or people who have lost a loved one they may feel judged for being there, for having the feelings that they feel after losing their beloved pet. And again, it comes back to the societal idea of of this hierarchy of loss.
Victoria Volk: But what I was started to touch on before and I don’t think I finished my thought is that when you let’s say you’re a single person, you don’t have a lot of family around you, if any family. You don’t have children. You’re animal. Your pet is your significant other. Your pet is your child. Your pet is your everything. You do everything with this pet. If it’s a dog, maybe you take your dog everywhere you go. Your dog is very much ingrained, or your pet, is very much ingrained in your daily habits, in your daily life. And when that is gone, it shakes up everything for you because no longer is this companion there to greet you when you come in the door or is there for you when you’re feeling sad or we can develop these codependent relationships with our pets just as easily as we can with our humans with humans.
Victoria Volk: But the benefit of having a pet, right, is they don’t talk back. They love unconditionally, and that can actually make it easier to create this codependent relationship, this emotional codependent relationship where when that pet is gone, oh, you are so quick to replace it. And I think that’s what happens oftentimes in society and others have this belief that that you can just replace that dog. You can just you can get another gizmo. Like I when my dog dies, people probably will think, well, just get another gizmo. I can’t get another gizmo. There is no gizmo like gizmo. I personally trained him. I did a lot of research and how to choose an animal and how to train a dog. Because I wanted a lifelong companion in our home, for our family, an animal that would fit with our family dynamic. And I think with that going into it with that intention, we didn’t end up in the situation we had before, not once, but twice, where we had to rehome a rescue. Because the timing was not right, It just wasn’t very good timing. We weren’t a good fit for the dog, and the dog wasn’t a good fit for us. And I knew it. And the animal knew it. And so then we started seeing these behavioral issues. And I could just see that this and it comes down, maybe the breed or you know, because it was a rescue. Who knows what that what trauma that animal had before coming into our home? And so it just wasn’t a really good environment for the dog, and the dog wasn’t a good fit for us. And so that happened twice where we had to rehome pets. And I didn’t want to have that happen again. And so in finding Gizmo, I did a lot of research and investment of time, a lot of time to be intentional and to ensure that he would be in her home until his last breath. And it has worked out really well. And I would do it all over again, maybe or not. I’m not even sure. I can’t replace him. There is no other dog like him. And we can’t replace our parents. We can’t replace our significant others. We can’t replace our children. And you can’t replace your pet. There will never be another pet like pet that you had and the bond that you shared. And when you try to do that too soon without intention and more of a fear-based decision and more of an emotional decision without working through a lot of these things I’m going to briefly discuss (which are quite similar to what we do in grief recovery with human relationships) you find that you start at square one. Like my last guest did, if you go back and listen to the last episode with Maha, she talks about this. I didn’t even know that she had gone. I knew she was looking at a pet and I cautioned her to take as much time as she needed. But emotionally, that poll to replace that loss was stronger than her inner wisdom. I mean, I think if we sit long enough with our own hearts and minds, we come to the best conclusion for ourselves. But if we don’t do that and we’re just wrapped up in the emotion of the loss and wrapped up in ego. Right? And just wanting to feel better and ready to do about anything to feel better. That’s when we make decisions that are not the best aligned for us. And in this circumstance, the other animal or in a circumstance with a human, the other human, if you’re jumping from one relationship to the next without really becoming emotionally complete with the one before it, you’re bringing all that emotional stuff into that current relationship. Whether it’s a pet or whether it’s a human.
Victoria Volk: And so today, I’m just gonna share with you, this isn’t any different than going through grief recovery when you’re working through a loss of a a human. You still have those six myths. Don’t feel bad. Replace the loss. Grieve alone. Be strong. Keep busy. Time heals all wounds. Like, these are the six myths that are still applicable to pet loss as they are to human loss.
Victoria Volk: In the United States alone, it is estimated that there are more than fourteen million pet deaths each year, and death of a pet is an obvious heartbreaking loss, but and it can occur in many ways. Including pets that run away or are surrendered due to financial reasons. These losses combined account for nearly forty million new grievers every single year. So given these the dimension of the problem, you would think there would be a tremendous number of resources available for those who have lost a beloved pet, and you would be wrong. Maybe after a pet loss, you phone yourself googling how to get over the loss of a pet, and you discover that there’s probably very little effective guidance for grieving pet owners. There are first-person books in which grieving pet owners describe their pain, sometimes in very poetic language. And yes, there are other books that provides a measure of comfort by helping the griever not feel so alone. And yet, again, there are some support groups where people can talk about the pain they feel in a safe nonjudgmental environment, but those books and those groups tend to provide only short term not the kind of long-term completion of the grief caused by the death of your pet.
Victoria Volk: As I’ve talked about, compounding the problem is fact that friends and even family often don’t understand or accept the intensity of the grief we feel when our pets die. And that sad fact makes many pet grievers isolate from human contact for fear they will be judged. The main goal of grief recovery method in working with, within the context of human relationships is to become complete. It might reuse words complete or completion or working through what is emotionally incomplete. Right? And So we generally don’t have arguments with our pets, but we’re often left feeling unfinished with things we’d hope to do with them but never did. Or maybe that was a traumatic end to the relationship with a pet, maybe they ran away, or maybe you had to euthanize your pet as my previous guest Maha did. That is a really difficult decision to have to make and that’s where a lot of grievers find themselves kind of stuck in that emotional loss that the deep sense of regret sometimes over the loss of their pet. Part of what makes a relationship with their pets different from our human ones is that there aren’t usually as many things that would fall into the category of different as it relates to day-to-day interactions. When we say, within the context of human relationships, grief is that anything that you wish would have been different, better, or more. And so if it’s when you start thinking about some of the events that surround the end of your pet’s life or that end of that relationship that you might find yourself questioning decisions that you had to make. If you think about it, you’ll realize that those decisions which were often about medical concerns were not directly about your long-term emotional relationship with your pet. But since you felt responsible for your pet’s well-being. The end-of-life issues can become very emotional for you as you go over and over the circumstances that led up to the death, for example. After your pet dies, for example, you might have told the story of what happened at the end of your pet’s life many times to friends and family, yet you may still be having a difficult time adapting to your life and the changes you perceive as the result of the absence of your companion, you may have begun to realize that repeating the story is not freeing you from the painful feelings you have concerning whether or not you did the right things. So you get caught in this this loop. For many years. And sometimes even decades as you replay the circumstances over and over in your heart and in your head. As a result, you just tend to isolate further and further from people, and even other animals who are or might be part of your life. And so there’s so many different scenarios as to what happens at the end of a relationship with a pet that I’m not gonna go into and give a bunch of examples, but and it doesn’t matter. Right?
Victoria Volk: Because the loss of a pet is the loss of a pet. It doesn’t matter how that happened in the grand scheme of things because the process of what we take you through through the Pet loss Program is still the same. That doesn’t change. With Pet loss, we’re still gonna create a relationship graph, you’re still going to create the different components of the recovery categories. You’re going to write out your significant emotional statements and you still finish with the completion letter, none of that changes in the pet loss program as opposed to the grief recovery loss program for human relationships.
Victoria Volk: And even after the pet loss program, there’s still work to do, right? Because oftentimes after the loss of a pet or even a human being, right, there’s this cleanup work where looking at the outside reminders of the loss, some grieving pet owners hold on to everything that represents the pet that died. That is called enshrinement. We can actually do that with humans. Like, keep this is when you keep the bedroom the exact same way or, you know, create like this shrine really of the person that you lost with their things and their trinkets and whatnot. And so this is called what we call in grief recovery enshrinement. As Maha was going through the loss of her pet and grieving him before he even passed, as an end-of-life doula, with humans, I had recommended to her that she reach out to a local end-of-life doula who could support her in live in person through the loss of her pet because I knew how important her pet was to her and I’m however far away I am from California, thousands of miles away, I was unable to be present to support her in that way. And so she did that. She reached out to a local end-of-life doula And that was incredibly serving, helpful, and healing for her.
Victoria Volk: And so I would recommend to you too if you’re facing the loss of your pet and you just have no idea where to turn or what to do and lack the support either from loved ones or friends. I highly recommend see if there is a local end-of-life doula that is willing to hold your hand through that process and guide you through some maybe some painful things and emotions that come up, but also to help you in what Maha’s end-of-life doula did was create a ritual around her dog blake’s passing. She brought the dog home, they washed him, and bathed him, and just it was this ritualistic memorial service of sorts that she was able to honor his life in what he meant to her. And I think that wasn’t from what she described, very healing.
Victoria Volk: And so I would go back and listen to that episode and maybe feel some inspiration around that as being possible for you too. If you have found this information helpful, I highly recommend to dig more deep into the details, I would recommend getting a copy of the book, The Grief Recovery Handbook for Pet Loss. I will link to it in the show notes. I will also link to an organization or a company or business that actually creates memorials for pets and also a link to I think they create animal earns and things like that. A link to that in the show notes as well. Any other links I can think of or I will add in the show notes some resources for those of you who may be in this situation where you’re having to prepare to say goodbye to your beloved pet or maybe you had a pet that passed away or ran away or you had to rehome for whatever reason. I hope this podcast episode was helpful for you in recognizing that you are not alone.
Victoria Volk: Of course, there are millions of us animal lovers, pet lovers out there. And if there’s so many of us, clearly, that we’re spending billions of dollars on our pets and we love our pets fiercely, then why is it still one of the most minimized losses. Why are we still saying things to people? Like, oh, that’s okay. You can get a new dog. Just go down to the pet store, get a new dog tomorrow. We need to stop that. We need to stop that language and just hold each other with compassion. That just because you feel like you can just go down to the pet store tomorrow and replace your dog doesn’t mean the next person feels that way. So it’s honoring each other where we’re at and check out the book. I think you’d find it very helpful if you are wanting to work through a pet loss that you’ve had. I will put a link in the show notes as well to my program where we can work one-on-one online, and remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
