Ep 123 | Jen Kidwell

Jen Kidwell | Death, Legacy, and the Law

 

 

SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:

What do you want to happen if you are incapacitated while on your deathbed or after you die? If you don’t have a will, that decision may be left up to the state.

These are big questions that often don’t have answers for those who are left behind. In the most emotional moments, the family is left to make decisions that weren’t theirs. Each of us has a responsibility, not only to ourselves but those who would be left behind, to address our matters before those things are left to someone else to decide for us.

With a lack of preparation, this is the position we put our loved ones in, and it happens because we have an aversion to discussing these sensitive issues with those we love.

We don’t like to think about the end of our lives. However, considering we may not know when that is, preparation negates some of the pain for those left behind in the wake of loss. For those who may be struggling with terminal illness/diagnosis, it’s imperative to address as many of the topics as possible that Jen and I discuss in this episode.

As a lawyer and seminary-trained pastor-type who specializes in creating wills and trusts for families, this is one conversation everyone needs to hear. Jen creates comprehensive plans through her values-based approach and helps clients reflect on their legacies and relationships.

In this episode, you will learn the two mistakes most people make regarding estate planning and much more!

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CONNECT WITH VICTORIA: 

 

Victoria Volk 0:00
Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. Today, my guest is Jen Kidwell. She is a lawyer and seminary trained pastor type who specializes in creating Wills and Trusts for families. She uses a value based approach to create comprehensive plans and helps clients reflect on their legacies, and their most important relationships. Estate planning is more than a series of decisions. It’s an opportunity to engage with big questions about what a good life and a good death look like for you. Jen loves to be invited into these conversations with their clients and finds her work fulfilling and meaningful. And it’s very much needed. And I as an end of life doula, although I’m not working in that capacity, yet, I’m still trying to figure out what that’s going to look like for me. But education, I know is a huge piece of it, because so many people don’t realize that it is possible to have a good death and that and the all the stuff that goes into it that we’ve kind of left until we have to face it. When we’re emotional noser. That’s really not the best time to make those important decisions. Would you agree?

Jen Kidwell 1:14
Oh, absolutely. Yeah, I mean, the these decisions are always going to have emotional components. Right. But when you’re approaching them more on your terms, and you have a sense of agency around it, and you’re not also trying to feel all of these other things, I think people really wouldn’t when they have space to do it, I think is really the it’s really the best time.

Victoria Volk 1:34
Yeah, so I’m really excited to dive deep into this conversation, of course, we’re going to talk about your losses, and what has kind of led to this work that you’re doing. And so let’s start there, grief touches every single human being whether you’re LeBron James, or Jen Kidwell. Or, you know, it doesn’t matter who you are, it touches everyone. And so how has grief touched your life?

Jen Kidwell 1:59
Well, I mean, I think in a lot, I mean, in a lot of the ways that that that people maybe are introduced to it at first i The first kind of loss, I remember was my grandfather back when I was in high school. And then my, my last remaining grandparent, my grandmother passed away this January, you know, experiencing these things is so different at different times in your life, especially after having had some, some training and some, you know, a lot more, a lot more life a lot more experience in these things. And so yeah, like lots of journeys. And I think grief also, I mean, the loss of people is obviously the primary place where people experience grief. But then there are other ways of, of, I don’t know, butting up against grief, or maybe journeying alongside grief at other times in our lives to write the loss of dreams, the loss of relationships, not to not because of a because of a death. And so I have become a lot more familiar with using grief language. And those experiences, which I held, I think really helps me to process and reflect on them. And gives me sort of a, you know, a box isn’t the right word, but a process maybe to to experiencing them instead of just, you know, Oh, these are hard emotions. And I don’t I don’t know, sort of what to do with them. So I think it’s, it’s touched me in lots of ways, the most recent loss of my, of my grandmother was, was was difficult, but also she’s almost 98. And her death was really very beautiful. And, and so that has been, I’ve learned a lot from that experience. And I think that’s something the way that she that she died is something I would aspire to, right. Like we were all able to be there we were singing hymns around her, we were, we were just able to surround her and remind her of who she is. She wasn’t conscious, but I like to think that maybe she could she could hear us or at least be aware of our presence. And we were carrying her into that space. And so while that was that was difficult. It was also it felt like the best way to love her in that moment. And I’m so glad we had the opportunity to do that.

Victoria Volk 4:03
Hearing is the last sentence to go. And so I’m curious, given your background, is there anyone else in your family that works in this type of arena? If not, did you find yourself resorting to these tools and this information and knowledge and bringing that to your family so that you could make that experience of family inclusive one?

Jen Kidwell 4:28
I’m the only person who has had some like, you know, training around these things, but my, my mom and her sister are close and my mom is kind of familiar in the in the medical field. And so I think we all sort of brought different things to that space, right? Like I we had to I got a call that she my grandmother was not was was dying and drove up to Boston, which is like an eight hour drive from from here. You know, packed my ukulele and my hymn books and other things and just was I was prepared to sort of occupy this space, however, it felt best for my, for my mom and her sister, and the rest of our family. And Gigi. So it was, it was nice to sort of to be there all together. And with each person sort of offering their own their own part, and, and it was, it was nice to, you know, after after my grandmother died to find some ritual and to offer some ritual, because that that transition, the the leaving, leaving the hospital afterwards was was really that was the hardest part, I think for me, because I would like to just keep caring for her right, like, I would like to be able to take care of, to take care of her to, to bury her not to have to turn her over to an institution, right, that was really hard for me kind of unexpected, that that was a kind of intense part of that process. But it was nice to be able to offer some ritual to kind of help with that with that process for others. So I definitely found some of that, that training to be helpful. And I hope it was, it was helpful for my family.

Victoria Volk 6:05
So given what you do for a living, is this something that your family has embraced for themselves and planning ahead, and, you know, I can see, as a daughter, you know, you would want to encourage your parents to make these decisions for themselves. And, you know, you’re kind of like, I know, for me personally, like, I’m, I’m like coaching my mom along like, hey, you know, do you really want to leave these decisions to us? You know, I don’t want to have to make this decision. You know, all of those things. Have you found? Like, is there? Can you go into that a little bit?

Jen Kidwell 6:39
Yeah I mean, it’s a process, right? Like, my, my parents are, they’re very, very responsible with all parts of their life, including their their financial life, they’re both in the have worked in pharmaceutical, healthcare related industries, and so are aware of, of many, many things. And so but there’s a lot of these conversations we haven’t had yet we are we we sometimes bring it up from time to time, but some things we just haven’t discussed, right. So I they have they have a well, I know, they have their advance directive planning and some of that that done, which is great, although we haven’t talked about it, so I’m not sure how done you can really, you can really call it and that’s one of the things I appreciate about this work is that, you know, I do the the legal documents, and then if if folks want to have a facilitated conversation between them and their designated healthcare agent, right, so that’s the person who would make healthcare decisions for them if they weren’t able to do so themselves. I’m I have some some training and how to facilitate those conversations. And and I’m happy to do that. But I think these documents are I when I when I you know, give people their their final kind of signed and executed documents, I always remind them that like, Okay, so now you have a checklist, right? These, each one of these documents is sort of now its own checklist for you. So you have to decide what you what you’re going to do with it. But I highly recommend you you sit down and have some some detailed conversations with the people that you’re giving, you’re giving these powers to and these responsibilities too. Because they’re these conversations now are gifts for the future, if they ever need to do that, right. Having somebody wonder what you would have wanted, when they’re faced with these, like really intense choices, is really hard and can really plague people I think for a long time, if they feel like they maybe didn’t make the right decision, or they still have doubts about it. And so offering that kind of clarity, you know, when people talk to me, they’re often very clear, oh, I want you know, a lot of people, a lot of people are, you know, I want I want the plug to be pulled like, as soon as the digit like, as soon as the doctors are clear that like there’s I’m not coming back, I’m done. We don’t want to waste financial resources, I don’t want to waste healthcare resources. This is the plan. And so they have strong feelings, many of them, not all of them. And, and so I always encourage them to speak very clearly and with detail with their with their agents. And so, you know, my you know, we haven’t had those conversations yet and my family, but we’re getting there, I think, and I know that my parents have done these these types of planning already. Oddly enough, my grandmother had, had not updated her her will from before I was born. So it was done in the early 80s. And many of the people in decision making roles in her estate planning had passed away. In fact, all of the people I think she had named had passed away. And she had also like expressed that she had wanted certain things changed in her like financial documents that she I guess was under the impression that they had been changed, but really they had not and so her estate is not particularly complicated. But there are these sort of complicated factors that have come into play because I don’t think she got great advice, you know, over over time and wasn’t kind of maintaining her plan the way That would have been ideal. So it’s all it’s all fine, or at least working through it. But it’s just like a little ironic that I am. I wish, I wish I had been invited into some of those conversations a little earlier, I guess I might have been able to help.

Victoria Volk 10:13
Well, that’s a great tip. It’s a working document, right, until the day you die. It’s a working document. So if anything changes, you know, it’s best to address those changes in a timely manner. Because we have no guarantees, right?

Jen Kidwell 10:26
Yeah, that’s right. And so I always, I tell folks that they’re, they enter into a maintenance phase. And so that is, and you know, we depending on their, on their goals, and their family, we try to build a lot of flexibility into their plans, so that, you know, if they don’t get around to updating them, that’s, that’s not there, but still will still be options for the decision makers or, or the people who are managing the estate. But But yes, I try very much just like this is a partially checked off item on your to do list, I’m a big fan of checklists. And, you know, and so I send emails, you know, after you know, every every year, to remind folks to update things, or to reach out if they need me to talk about something or have additional questions. It’s also true that the law changes a lot, a lot, actually, in this area, some big changes recently, have really, if people did their planning prior to 2020, some, some big changes have influenced how that that planning may end up playing out. And so that’s another reason why it’s just something to, to maintain. So, you know, once a year to like, spend a little spend a little brainpower thinking about it, and and check in.

Victoria Volk 11:39
I have a confession a long time ago, we had gotten like this booklet, or like a, like a full actually, I ordered it, I ordered this folder that had like all these documents in it like stuff, you know, basically it would be in my written words, what I wanted, and you know, different things like to prepare family and my wishes and things and even like financial stuff, right? Like the account numbers, and just all this stuff, and especially like having a business, oh my gosh, I can’t even imagine like my and my husband hates like, he kind of loads technology, like he hates computers he hates? Yeah. So he would be in total struggle bus. And so that is something really truly that I need to make easier for him. You know, I do have like a password book, you know, so that’s all in one place. You know, so that makes it easy. But yeah, so what are some quick off the cuff tips like that maybe people aren’t thinking about that they maybe should prepare for their family for and, you know.

Jen Kidwell 12:50
Yeah, I mean, I think it’s, it’s so family specific. So that is, that’s one of the things I really enjoy about the kind of planning meetings that I do with people is, is really, that people, often when I do this process, and when other folks do this process as well, people will submit a worksheet that kind of lists lists, all all the stuff, right all of their, their financial life, their relationships, their physical assets, all of that. And, and that’s sort of the the first pass for our, our work together, kind of making sure that everything is taken care of, but Right, like if folks have oftentimes, like people who have young children think about life insurance, for you know, being able to care for their children, if they’re not here anymore, which is wonderful. But I think often as baby boomers age, there are more families that have minor children and also have parents living with them. And, you know, they got to think about what’s going to happen with their parents too. And so what that life insurance, maybe that maybe they need more life insurance, maybe they need to kind of figure out how to take care for the aging relatives, as well as the as the younger as the younger generation. I think there’s a lot of a lot of life happens online these days. And so you mentioned you have a password book, which is great. There are there’s software out there, you know, one one password and other kinds of things that some folks find helpful. One of the things that I think a lot of folks don’t don’t realize is that a lot of the accounts that you set up online like in social media, for example, those are not those accounts would then not be governed by a will so they are contracts that you are establishing between yourself and the you know, say Facebook for example. And so there’s in Facebook, there’s a way for you to go in and designate like a legacy person, you can sort of name someone who can have access to your account, you know, if you if you pass and and maybe like they can’t get into it otherwise and so sometimes these social media spaces will will have those kinds of options. Sometimes they won’t, and you might you know, that’s another password to make sure that’s in your it’s in your list if it’s an account that’s important or that you want to be maintained. cryptocurrency is like a bigger thing these days. Right. And like that’s, that’s also something that’s kind of hard to deal with in a will, because it’s governed by these by these contracts that you make with these, these companies that that run these kind of off the grid spaces. So that I was working with someone recently who just sort of like, for a hobby, you know, has some cryptocurrency and I was like, Okay, you we need to deal with that separately. That’s not like this is not in the same category as like a bank account. And she was like, oh, and it was a, you know, it was a new a new thing. So yeah, so a lot of those those kinds of things kind of come up. And depending on people’s businesses, or their or their hobbies, right, there might be other things. copyrights are a thing also to deal with, right? If you have a blog, then you own the copyrights to your blog? And like, do you want to do something with that? I mean, maybe not. Right? The answer might be no, but it’s a it’s a good conversation to have, because copyrights live out. They outlive people for a long time. And so sometimes there, there might be ways to monetize those copyrights for your descendants in the future. And so passing those passing those copyrights along is also something that, you know, people don’t necessarily think about these days, too. So there’s a ton of there’s a ton of stuff that can that can get wrapped up in these conversations.

Victoria Volk 16:11
And I just suddenly felt myself get very overwhelmed. I’m just, yeah, I, first of all, thank you for that tip, too. With the legacy account of Facebook, I had no idea at all because people put a lot of pictures on their personal accounts. And it’s like, well, maybe those are gone, you know, the person passes away. And then now my question too, is like with teenagers, you know, you can be a parent that outlives your child, and then they have all this stuff to write. And so I think it’s important for us, as a parent, me as a parent, I three teenagers to, like, how do you convince your kid? You know, I need your password? You know, maybe write it down somewhere that, you know, maybe I’ll find it? You know, I don’t know, like, how do you any tips on that?

Jen Kidwell 16:59
Yeah, like, so that, and that’s going to be different for everyone. Right? Yeah. When I do planning for folks, I give people a big binder, it has tabs and has all the things in there spaces for like other documents, or, and I encourage people to write letters. And so and to keep the letters in, in the, in the binder. So maybe the letter will letters will say like this is where XYZ is, this is where I didn’t want to keep the passwords with everything else, because that didn’t feel safe. So but I’m keeping them in this other place. Or like this is the name of a file on my computer where you can find this kind of thing. And so having one place one, one binder to kind of rule them all is is something I recommend, but the binder itself doesn’t have to have everything in it, it just has to point and point the right people to kind of where where they need to be. I do also, you know, when I do work with folks, I give them emergency cards, just like little business card size size guys, that, you know, they can do what they want with them depending on their life. And some people will take them to car seats, some people keep them in their wallets, some people like put them on their fridge. And then that is a usually I focus on decision makers and if there are minor children of emergency caretakers for minor children, but there’s no reason you couldn’t also include like the binder is d if you know if that feels like something that’s that’s useful to you so so yeah, like every family every person is going to it’s going to feel differently about that because they may may have different levels of trust for the people in their life other people who are likely to be in their home, but it’s it’s always a good thing to work I try to work work through that with each of each of my clients to come up with a plan that fits for them. And that works for their for their lives.

Victoria Volk 18:47
I just thought of a tip for myself and maybe even for anyone listening you know because I’m big into technology and stuff and I’m thinking like if I have a binder and my house burns down unless that’s in a safe that binders like poof right? I’m sure you have a backup personally Yeah, yeah, that information Yeah. But I’m just thinking for people who do this on their own right like I do have documents but they all filled out no, that’s my confession but to have an encrypted file on your computer or on your computer and a USB you know or something that then that USB is maybe with a family member or maybe if that’s in the safe you know that’s a little bit easier. Maybe it’s in the glove box of your vehicle right right.

Jen Kidwell 19:32
Yeah. That’s like access to a secure cloud storage space right that’s another.

Victoria Volk 19:38
Yeah or safety deposit box at the bank right that’s pretty secure spot.

Jen Kidwell 19:42
Yeah. So and you know, they make like the fireproof boxes or you know, some other some other things that that I know some people some people use as well. So So yeah, there are having in promote for many of these documents the well it depends but for like for a will like the original there. Very important. But if you have a copy and the family doesn’t disagree, right, depending on your state, that still might be enough. But but for other documents, like a health care directive, or maybe even a financial power of attorney, depending on the terms, a copy would, would work. So it again, it depends on the state. And it depends on the what the documents themselves say. But, but yeah, so those having those, those backups in other places can definitely help you out, depending on what the needs are.

Victoria Volk 20:27
You know, in my mind, I think of having all of this stuff prepared and ready and all the personal decisions made for you know, for your family members, like for yourself, but for them, it really can help negate any bad blood that can happen, right? The the inner fighting between the family of disagree, and like you mentioned, and I’m thinking though, like, there can still be that, even if you’ve done all this, have you seen that?

Jen Kidwell 20:58
I mean, I haven’t at well, there’s always stories, right? So there’s, there are, there are tons of stories that people share about families that just think that they’re their descendants, or that maybe their siblings will, will just get along, and it’ll be fine. And that, you know, say, you know, an elderly elderly relative moves in with their child and then puts their child’s name on their bank accounts or on these other, you know, financial institutions, financial accounts, and then when they pass, they expect that that child will evenly share all of those things with the other children like that. It doesn’t actually happen that often. And and it’s, it can be, it can be quite contentious, right? People go from from intending to share, to thinking I did, I did a lot of this work, right? Like I did all like I took care of mom, right? Like this is this should be mine. And then like it becomes it can get real messy. Yeah, I mean, I think even this is another place where writing letters can be really helpful because the the legal documents, you can put some of like the rationale right? A person creating these documents can put some of the rationale in there. But that’s not what they’re for. Right? These are decision documents. And so but the rationale, I think, is often things that really helps family Sorry, I got a little dark there for a second. So the the rationale are really things that that help families and help them understand why certain decisions were being made, or certain assets were kind of given to one, one person over another, or kind of how, however, whatever feels important to share can be shared. And I think that does help in in dealing with those kinds of disputes. Kind of nipping them before they they creep up.

Victoria Volk 22:47
Yeah, cuz I think for a lot of family members context, can change everything, you know, just having an understanding of why a certain decision is made. You know, we don’t know what we don’t know. And I think maybe that’s one tip, other Another tip I would think of, in how you compose a letter would be what is something they don’t know, but I feel is so important that they do know, that can change your perspective of this decision.

Jen Kidwell 23:18
Right, right. And I think always, and again, this makes like a lot of assumptions about the dynamics going on in any given family. But I think the things that we as humans want from our loved ones that pass on is like more conversation more assurances of love, more expressions of identity that help to ground us in who we are. And so these letters can serve for the to meet some of those needs to and so I think they can be super powerful. I also, you know, if people feel up to it, and are either have a buddy who is tech savvy, or maybe tech savvy themselves, the like audio audio recordings, or video recordings are, are maybe even more powerful than letters, because you know, it’s in, it’s in the person’s voice, they have the opportunity to kind of share stories in addition to like, you know, information about decisions, right. And so, then you can get more into these, like legacy interviews and those those kinds of things that are that are, you know, valuable in different ways, but in some similar ones too.

Victoria Volk 24:25
Yeah, there are actually there’s several apps out there now. I did a podcast episode, there’s one called after cloud. There’s been a couple others too, that I’ve come across, but yeah, where you can really it’s an archive of your family. You can put all kinds of things you legacy planning, like you had said, like what you Yeah, that’s a great tip, too. So what led you to doing this work?

Jen Kidwell 24:50
Any things right, the long and winding road? Um, I I’ve done a handful of things. You know, as you mentioned, I have a seminary degree and a law degree but She’s not like a super common combination. And so I have found ways to use each of them sort of separately in my in my career. But in thinking a lot about kind of the next step after my, my prior job was sort of feeling like I was ready to move on. I was thinking a lot about what I love the most about working with people. And I think that that is meaning, right helping people create and we I love the the metaphor of weaving, meaning helping people weave meaning in their lives. And so the law is not great. It’s a great tool for that. But it’s this is definitely a space where I feel like I’m meeting a legal need, right? Like, you know, I enjoy enjoys maybe a strong word, but like, I appreciate a well written statute. I appreciate, you know, legal research and sort of combing through all of these these things and finding answers to complex problems. So I enjoy that personally. But then the broader context of conversation around like, what is what is the meaning of your life? What is the meaning of your death? Like, how do you want to talk about that? And how do you want to integrate that into the decisions that you’re making? Right? Like, your will, is probably not going to go into details about how you reflect on that. But ultimately, it should be a reflection of all of work that you do, to come to answers around those questions. So yeah, so I think I think that’s one of the things and also, I just I think our culture has such as an aversion to thinking about deaths, I think the healthcare industry has an aversion to acknowledging that, like death is the outcome for everyone eventually. And so I appreciate to invite people into some of those conversations, you know, my prior job, I was working at a church, I worked with youth and young adults, and then regular adults to do to do a bunch of programming and why teenagers, my youth loved to talk about death, they had so many questions, they, you know, adolescence that lots is happening, a lot is happening in adolescents, especially, like now with, you know, more and more awareness of, of mental health and, you know, trying to learn skills to support their peers, or, you know, even strategies to help them themselves in these spaces. And so, we used to spend a ton of time talking about death, and I thought it was wonderful, the opportunity to reflect on these things with them, and to create a space where they felt safe doing that, in the context of a faith that they that they claimed that maybe can could help provide some light posts along the way as they as they figure these things out. And so, so all of those things kind of wove together. And, and led me to this space, which I I’m enjoying and finding, quite meaningful.

Victoria Volk 27:57
That’s wonderful. And I’m not surprised that the teenagers love to talk about death or enjoyed that. Because for like you said, the many of them don’t have a space where they can ask their questions. And because like you mentioned, as adults, we have an aversion to death and dying, and we don’t want to talk about it. And even just attending a funeral or someone in the family passing away, it brings up all types of stuff for ourselves, because we’re reminded of our own mortality. And that’s confronting for many people, like, Oh, I am going to die. And I don’t know when no, like, that’s, that’s life. Right? That is life. And so I think it is important that that is important work that you were doing, do you still kind of dabble in that from time to time?

Jen Kidwell 28:44
So um, I mean, the, I have young kids myself, and so the schedule and the balance seems to change week to week kind of what is possible. But I love you know, my, my younger, my younger one isn’t ready to have any of these conversations yet, but my six year old is like, right, they say that like three is the Europe death, right? When when kids are three, they are very curious, they have all the questions like this is the time, but she’s never grown out of that. And so we talk about death all the time. And after, after my grandmother died, we and we, we still talk about it a lot. And before her before her memorial service, we went to the cemetery. And we spent we walked around, we spent a lot of time kind of thinking and feeling and and talking about that space that she’d never, you know, she’d never been there before. And you know, at her service, we went up to the altar, and we sort of touched all the things and we like talked about how the the rituals that are that are part of this kind of help us to to make meaning out of what’s happening and to kind of understand what’s happening in some different ways. And so having those conversations with with her has been has been really wonderful and she has her own beautiful way of understanding these things and of kind of interpreting, interpreting all of it too. So I mean, the way that many kids Do so that’s been a gift of that experience as well the opportunity to reflect with her. So So yeah, I mean, the the balance, I think will continue to shift over time, but I certainly still still love my teenagers and, and then you know, I mean adult groups to churches and other kind of faith or kind of ethical spaces I think are, are also I mean, they’re sort of made for this, I think right there. They’re made, not just to like, I mean, I love the fellowship, I love the fellowship of these spaces to write, go have a potluck, like go plan a fundraiser, like go go do good work. But some of the good work is going to be kind of sitting with each other in these like big questions that are really scary that we’d rather maybe avoid.

Victoria Volk 30:43
So here’s another tip that I thought of as I was listening to your talk. So there is a for parents listening, there is a book called when children grieve. It is the foundation of a program, the Grief Recovery Institute has called when helping children with loss. And I think that that would be a great book for parents to read or caregivers or caretakers to read. And then an invitation to take the child like you said, like a great segue to like, Well, how do I start that conversation? Right? Is go to a cemetery. And ask your child, ask the child like, what are your questions like? What are you curious about? What are you wondering, What can I answer for you, especially a child who is grieving, it opens up that conversation, but you have to be open as a parent to, or as a caretaker, you have to be open to that conversation yourself as well. It’s so important, I cannot stress it enough how, as children, like by the age of three, you’ve learned 75 That’s why they say since probably age three, you’ve learned 75% of how you will cope with certain insert certain situations like how you will respond to certain situations. By 15, you’ve pretty much taken in everything in your environment that has taught you how to respond to life. So it’s so important that we start early, and we start young to have those conversations so that future generations aren’t as have don’t have that same aversion to death, right, that we do. Or that even probably even 20 somethings do.

Jen Kidwell 32:21
Yeah, yeah. I mean, the and I think one of the most important things about approaching these conversations, I mean, regardless of who you’re having them with is like a, an openness to the kind of mysteries, right like even as even people of faith who feel certainty around certain or you know, whoever whoever write for President faith or not, who feels kind of certainty about how how things work, during death or after death, I think creating space for that mystery, especially when when talking with with kids, and letting them kind of work their way through instead of kind of providing them with an endpoint and kind of shutting down some of that reasoning process. And some of that discovering for them is, is also is super important. So that they they come to a sense of ownership of it themselves. So I could talk about this all day. Yes, yeah.

Victoria Volk 33:17
Thank you for mentioning that. Because I actually mentioned that yesterday in another podcast conversation about how beliefs that are passed down can really pigeonhole us, you know, we get so set in our ways of, there’s no, that openness kind of goes away. Right to, you know, so I love that you’ve mentioned that, because I think it’s so important, like, just be open and curious to the questions and leave something to be discovered. You know, don’t answer you don’t have to have an answer for everything. I guess that’s that’s the lesson there.

Jen Kidwell 33:50
Right. Right. And there’s nothing wrong with coming to a different answer over time. Right. I think so often, is one of my favorite parts of leading isolate a confirmation class at my at my church, which, depending on people’s familiarity was sort of a an opportunity for middle schoolers to think about whether they wanted to sort of formally declare that they were wanting to continue in this tradition, opportunity one way or another. And so, but that we only talked about the questions, right, like we are embracing the questions. So we’re going to talk about some of the possible answers. And I would love to hear sort of how you’re navigating these things. Here are some of the the answers that your tradition has offered over time, because I don’t want you to be 40 and stuck with like the faith of a 12 year old, because that’s sort of what you think faith means. Right? Like, it has to be a certain way. Yeah. Right. And so that I used to have so much fun with them doing that. And, and I think my experience kind of working with them, led me to have different conversations with adults as well around sort of like where did you learn the answer to this question, like, Does it still feel true to you? If the answer is no, maybe that’s what Okay, and we can kind of we can work on on discovering something else within this big tradition that might feel like it better reflects your experience and the way that you know, you feel called to respond in any given situation. So, um, yes, the mystery is a good thing.

Victoria Volk 35:16
Yes, I’ve actually just had a post about that. Good Friday how, you know, I don’t care what you believe it’s, you know, maybe there are just some things that are a mystery. There’s, how can anyone on this physical plane possibly know for sure, right, impossible. Right, in a lot of ways, like, we don’t know everything, look at how much is undiscovered in the cosmos. And under the, in the ocean, right. And even our bodies, like what our physical bodies are capable of, like, I think we’re, we, we just don’t even have, we couldn’t even wrap our head around what we don’t know yet. About everything under the sun. So yeah, thank you for bringing that. Yeah, I think it adds just a childlike wonder to, to what what is possible at end of life. And I think that can bring people comfort too. And you know, there are people that really struggle with I think death and dying because of an indoctrination sometimes of you know, I did this thing, I’m, I’m guess I’m destined for hell, or, I’ve done this thing and all these good works. So I, I know, I’m going I know there’s a place for me in heaven. I think there is a mystery there that we just, we won’t know until we know, for ourselves. But anyway, I’m sure I could talk about that all day. So how long have you been doing this work like specifically helping people with estate planning.

Jen Kidwell 36:53
So this is like and again, like I’ve had sort of different points where I have I have done done this over time. But I’ve only been kind of really dedicated kind of 100% of my professional time to it for about a year and but again, like it’s it’s sort of has found me at different points along along the way but but yeah, so it’s it’s still a newer endeavor.

Victoria Volk 37:18
So have you personally gotten your ducks in a row for years?

Jen Kidwell 37:23
You’re still in process we’re still in process so like you mentioned the having a business makes it all makes things more complicated and so we have been kind of in in process of updating and trying to figure out the best the best way to move forward with the I have another kind of another a second business as well it’s sort of more of a hobby space. And you know, talking a lot with my spouse about the best you know, does he does he feel like he could sort of step in and do these things or like do I need to like a point unusual which is a lot of conversations to have like with uh, you know, other attorneys who might be willing to be like a triage person to come in and work with my work with my clients and you know, make sure that everything is wound up right so there’s there’s a lot that goes into it and so yeah, so we are we are still updating although we have a goal of the middle of next month as our as our like as our time so I think it will it will be wrapped up pretty soon and then you know if things need to change we will we will change them right just like just like with others and so as I am really enjoying my work now it’s it’s just me but I am I’m busy and so you know as I may grow my business may may grow and other other folks are involved like that that plan may may change over time. So we will we will maintain the plan just like I advise everyone else to do.

Victoria Volk 38:50
I could totally like I just had a bit I had a vision for you. Visit for you. I don’t know if you have an interest in like Do you have a brick and mortar?

Jen Kidwell 39:01
No not yet again with the small kids I am woman juggling and all of that most of the time but we hope to have one in the near future.

Victoria Volk 39:10
Yeah, yeah, I envisioned this brick and mortar have like this one stop shop for like, end of life. Planning like end of life. doulas, like all these resources like in this one place and,

Jen Kidwell 39:24
I have I get more pride I tried this with you but I have I have flirted with end of life doula training, often and and I’m in some of the Facebook spaces and sort of passively learning from all of the wisdom that is that is shared there. But that was that was one of the there are there’s at least one or two. There’s at least one end of life doula training program I can think of that was started by a woman who is an attorney and sort of backed into this work kind of going with Grace maybe is what it’s called. And she used to sort of do both of these things. And I think at this point has just shifted to the end of life doula And now she has training and she does all these other things. But yes, I have often often felt like, like a team of folks who were similarly minded, who understood the interplay between all of these things would be a valuable resource for for the world. And so we’ll see where that vision takes us.

Victoria Volk 40:20
As you’re talking to, I just, I was like, Oh, my God, because you were talking about like, your clients. And I’m like, Oh, my gosh, like, I hadn’t even thought about that. Like, if I’m in the middle of a grief program with one of my clients, like, who? Who do I refer? Like, who to where do they go, right? And that’s horrible. Because in the work that I do, it’s like, I can be in, like, I can be at session seven or eight. And then there’s 12 sessions, and it’s important, meaningful, deep work, and it’s like, hang them dry, like, oh, my gosh, I need to plan that stat. First of all, so thank you for that. And then also, I thought of to like caretakers. Like, if you are a parent, who’s caring for a parent, like that sandwich generation, if something happens to you, what happens to that parent? That’s huge. That’s a huge. Yeah, that sounds very overwhelming to me.

Jen Kidwell 41:17
I know, I know. I know. Yeah, it did. And it can be I think, but, but even sort of think thinking through what it could look like for your family, and, and what you know, what the aging parent wants, what their values and their priorities are. So that sandwich generation is, is in a, in a hard place, because they, they need to make sure everyone gets what they need, and they themselves are spread very thin. And I know that can be super hard. And so you know, seeking support, whether again, that’s in some sort of community space, or a faith space, or a like a space to like intentionally plan these kinds of things out rather, whether that’s with an attorney, or, or a financial adviser, or, you know, whoever that structure can maybe can maybe be helpful to organize all of these interests into something that makes sense.

Victoria Volk 42:09
I was gonna mention too, so I trained through in Elda, I N E LDA. So I can put that in the show notes if anyone listening has an interest in end of life type of work. But yeah, I highly recommend that organization. I can I share that with you. So of course you’re in Maryland. And so a lot of the things that you share kind of generalized in people have to look at their own state specific stuff. Are there some things that you know, for sure, that definitely vary from state to state that people need to keep in mind?

Jen Kidwell 42:43
Well, yeah, I mean, there are there are a lot lots of things like it’s it’s tricky, because there’s nuance in every state, the general shape of what the documents can do are often very similar, but the even the the intestacy statute, right, so that is 50 cent word. But that is the default for what happens if you die without a will. Right. And so a lot of people say like, you know, if they don’t have a well, they’re like, Oh, well, I don’t I don’t have a plan, you do have a plan, it is the state’s plan, the state’s plan is what will happen if if you die without having kind of looked at that and made a plan for yourself. And that is different in every state, right? Sometimes it you know, divides everything evenly between children, sometimes the spouse gets everything, sometimes it’s divided between a spouse and children. Sometimes it’s, you know, it’s divided, sometimes parents are factored in if they’re their surviving parents. And so that’s something that’s different in every state. And so it’s different that it would have to be sort of worked around with with a with a will, or trust, depending the ability to name Guardians is something that in most states, or guardians for minor children, is something that in most states is only something you can do on a will, there are a few states that allow you to have kind of a separate document that that appoints a guardian for minor children, but in most, it’s just a will. So that is, that’s a big deal. Because there are a lot of people who feel like they don’t have anything, which may or may not be true. Sometimes when you start to think about like, you know, retirement assets, and just kind of little pieces of property here, they’re kind of adds up maybe to more than one might expect. And so they feel like they don’t really have anything but they come to me for a well because they want to name guardians for their children. And so that’s, that’s a big thing to think about. If you do have minor children and you don’t feel like you have anything you can get a will that is I always recommend going to an attorney because again, you don’t like you were saying earlier, you don’t know what you don’t know. And there are a lot of forms that you can get online or forms from other spaces. And depending on your situation those like might be they might like get you started, but but they might not ask the right questions. They might not sort of you know, they’re not able to reflect with you and kind of enter in the process with you and so or, you know, talking to an attorney, even if you feel like you have a simple situation and only need it for one thing you may find, you may find that a couple other couple other points are important. So but otherwise there’s there’s variation, right in some states probate. So probate is the process of retitling assets that are in your name when you die. And so if you’re thinking about like, so assets that you hold by yourself, if you when you die, you can imagine that you drop the assets and then the court is like, oh, assets on the floor, this is we have a process for how to like pick those back up and like get them where they need to be. In some states, probate is not so bad, right? It doesn’t take a super long time, and maybe only takes like nine months to a year, it may not be super expensive. And so there may be great resources in your state for how to how to go go through that without needing to hire an attorney. And then in other states, it may be crazy, right? Like in California, people work really hard to avoid probate, because it’s very expensive. And it takes a very long time, and things get tied up forever. And so that’s a that’s another thing that really varies a great deal. by state. I think in culture, people just really want to avoid probate because they’ve heard terrible things. And depending on your situation, that might be true. But depending on your state and your and your family and your life, it may not it may not be so bad. So lots of variation.

Victoria Volk 46:20
So would you say the biggest mistake that people made make at end of life planning, estate planning, all of that is not going with a lawyer.

Jen Kidwell 46:30
Again, it really depends, I really do think that even if even if it’s just like attending an information session, or you know, a lot of attorneys have, I care a lot about the education and counseling parts of my role, as hopefully you could tell. And so I do a lot of educational like seminars, and I go to mom’s groups, and I go to church spaces and talk about all of these things, to try to help people you know, feel confident that they can like attack the process. And, and there are a lot of attorneys out there who will, you know, sit down and have a conversation with you. And not, it’s not, it may not be quite as friendly as you think, depending on depending on your needs. And so it’s definitely worth looking looking into, even if it’s something that you might need to budget for a little bit, having the peace of mind of kind of going going through that with an expert, who knows and understands how the laws have changed, what what changes may be in the pipeline, and how to kind of plan for those two is a big deal. Like I mentioned, they’re big changes went into effect in 2020. And so people who planned, these big changes primarily have to do with retirement accounts. So people who planned to do certain things with their retirement accounts as part of their estate planning before 2020. Like those, some of those things are just not possible anymore. And so they if they haven’t updated, if they haven’t stayed in touch, they haven’t reached out to an attorney who has been wrestling with this crazy law for a long time. They’re not they’re not going to know. And they’re not going to know if they need a different structure, or if they need to kind of update their plan accordingly. So, so yeah, I mean, I think seeking professional advice from an attorney is always a good call. But as it relates to the biggest mistake, it’s hard to tell between not speaking to an attorney, and then not speaking to your decision makers. These are, these are sort of similar, I think, in terms of their, their importance, in terms of how the plans actually play out in the end,

Victoria Volk 48:38
I just had a scenario cross my mind. And I’m just like, oh my gosh, I couldn’t even imagine like, if you’re college age, but you but let’s say you’re a parent, your parents, right, and you have college age, but you also have kids still in school, high school, and something happens to both you and your spouse. So you got student loans, you’ve got kids that are still in school that need, you know, a parent role model like oh my gosh, that is such a complex, like, I cannot even imagine the situation, what is like the most complex, complicated situation you’ve come across that maybe people haven’t considered for themselves.

Jen Kidwell 49:16
Oh, man. Um, so again, like the the retirement, the change in the retirement roles has really impacted what the best, the best thing to do with some of these retirement cards aren’t right. And so the reason that the laws changed in 2020, is because Congress was looking, they were like, hey, these people have some of these people have a lot of dollars or their retirement accounts, and they’re not actually spending it in retirement. They’re using it as like a wealth transfer vehicle to share it with the next generation or with, you know, with children or with grandchildren. And so that’s not why retirement accounts were made. And so we could probably tax those a little differently and, and incentivize people sort of using them more during retirement. it or you know, tax them create a different scheme where they end up being taxed differently, so that we recoup some of those dollars. And so that has meant that people who have like charitable intent, right, so maybe they want to, like benefit another person during like, so they, they die, and they want to benefit another person during their lifetime. So they want to use a trust and benefit that person during their lifetime, maybe they’re not super great with money, or maybe they have some special needs, or maybe, you know, there may be other reasons. And so they’re gonna have a trustee manage that account and, you know, meet the person’s needs. But then if there’s anything else, they want to go to charity, that seems like a very reasonable thing to want to do. And it’s actually not quite complicated, because of the ways that charities are treated under the new law, and the ways that people within certain degrees of relationship to the plant owners are treated to so dealing with retirement accounts has gotten much more complicated. And, and that is, that’s frustrating, because a lot of folks have have retirement accounts, and they started contributing to them a long time ago. And, you know, they viewed them as savings vehicles, not just for themselves, but for their families. And so with this change, those those folks have have different different options. So now, people who have maybe some charitable intent, but also want to benefit their families. Now we’re looking more at doing charitable remainder trusts, which are cool, cool things that allow you to continue to benefit your family. Now, over the course of you know, the lifetime of the beneficiaries you choose, and then ultimately, then the rest would go to charity. And that, so that may end up being a better vehicle than a more traditional retirement trust. So yeah, I know, that sounds like a little, a little nitty gritty. But um, but those those rules have gotten have gotten pretty complicated. Yeah, and I think it is also thinking about folks with children who have who are like far apart in age, right. So if you have, you know, a 10 year age gap between two kids maybe or if you have kids that are sort of really spread out creating a trust that meets all of their needs, given that they will have very different needs when one is like 17, and one is 30, right like that, that can sometimes be challenging to design a trust to that will, that will work well for for everyone and make sure that the younger child has all of the has access to the opportunities that the older child had, you know, as it relates to maybe going to college or graduate school are other things. And so, and that’s a very like, back to the specific situation that you just sort of deal with as it comes up. But but sometimes can be tricky.

Victoria Volk 52:51
Well, this has been a wealth of information. I feel like, I’d probably come up with 50 More questions easily. But is there anything that you feel is of utmost importance that you didn’t get to share that you feel the listeners need to hear?

Jen Kidwell 53:07
I mean, I think that we’ve you’ve mentioned many times, and I totally agree that at some points, just considering all of these things can be very overwhelming. And, and so when you have that kind of overwhelm experience, I really encourage folks to like return to your values and return to something that is grounding to you. Right? Whether these are kind of stories, that that help you reflect on what is really meaningful to you are stories, that you’ve things you’ve experienced that you’re like, Oh, well, I definitely don’t want that to happen, or I don’t want I don’t want to feel like that, right? I want to feel like this, those kinds of resources, from your own reflections and from your own life are, I think, a great place to go and retreat when you have that kind of overwhelm. And so So staying staying true to those things and and finding, you know, a home in those things, when, when these kind of technical pieces feel a little overwhelming, I think is a is a good call. So I would I would encourage that and and hopefully that is that is a helpful tip.

Victoria Volk 54:09
What is one thing that you would love to scream to the world about your grief experience or this work that you’re doing?

Jen Kidwell 54:18
Hmm, I mean, I think one of my favorite metaphors for grief and there are so many good ones is that and it works really well with my like weaving the way that I understand sort of meaning in the world, but that that grief is like a drop stitch. So I’m not really a knitter. I really enjoy spending time with knitters because I find their knitting to be very soothing. I have been known that family functions just sort of curl up next to someone knitting and b b suits. But my understanding is that when you are knitting and you drop a stitch, you can either go back and fix it. Or if you don’t, it just leaves sort of a little hole in the in the finished garment or the scarf. I think that’s such a good metaphor for grief because You can’t really go back and fix it right? Like you can’t, you can’t undo it, you can’t make it go away, it is just it becomes a part of you, it becomes a part of you that you carry into all aspects of your life, right. And there will be moments when all you feel like you can see is the whole and there will be moments when you can zoom out and see the whole the whole garment and the garment, your life is still beautiful and meaningful, even though it ends up with all these little holes in it. It is uniquely yours. And those people that the love of those people is still with you, right? It’s reflected in these in these little kind of absences. And so I’ve been reflecting a lot on that, as you know, we we just celebrated Easter, right. And actually, so many holidays, this season is so great, they all overlapped all these like religious traditions and very beautiful to see reflections of that. But my my grandmother was a singer and sang beautifully, right, she died, she was almost 98 and had a beautiful voice. And I have so many recordings of her singing that I did very sneakily. So she didn’t know, and, and I think, you know, in the choir on Sunday, and thought of her a lot like it was it was a beautiful way to feel close to her. And so I think as we get through sort of the first year of of her not being with us, there will be so many of those opportunities to feel close to her. And to feel all the feelings, right joy and humor and sadness. And, you know, wishing she could be here to tell us some of the stories that that we’ve heard before, but that she you know, she tells the best. And so, so I think it just is cycling, we will I will cycle through it. And that is okay. That’s how it is.

Victoria Volk 56:47
Thank you for sharing that. What’s your grandma’s name was Gigi?

Jen Kidwell 56:52
We Yes, we called her grandma. And then after she had great grin. great grandchildren, they called her GT great grandma. So yes, so she got to spend a lot of time with them in the in the month before she died. And and that was a that was a gift, a gift to everyone.

Victoria Volk 57:08
Yeah, no, a lot of kids get that opportunity. It’s amazing. What is one thing that your experiences have taught you like grief and the work that you’re doing?

Jen Kidwell 57:18
I think it’s that the default is not a good death. Like the medical system, there are so many things that really push people towards an institutionalized death experience. And that’s not always avoidable. But there are, there are times when it feels like doctors, other people are not kind of brave enough to talk about these things with families. And so like families need to be brave, and to be aware of the options and be able to like assert the vision and the options that they have. And so the opportunities for whether it’s hospice, whether it’s working with an end of life doula, whether it is kind of just finding ways to claim a space for your loved one in an institution, right, like using using music using art using reading, right, like there are so many tools that we have to create an influence a space to reflect to the the personality and the the joys experienced by the person who is needing to be in that space. So I think just being aware of that, like, what a good death is to you is probably not the default of what like the system is is going to provide you unless you you act within it. So I know that’s not like one of the shouldn’t I should have probably thought of illegal take away but that I feel like is a big really important thing. That is you know, then loved ones carry with them for the rest of their for the rest of their lives. And so yeah, it’s a it’s a it’s a big deal.

Victoria Volk 59:04
It is a big deal and I’m I’m very glad that that was your your share because we do medicalized dying, and death. And I had Dr. Chris Curry. He’s I’ve mentioned in his episode many times throughout all different conversations and I’ll put it in the show notes again on this episode because he was an ER physician whose job was to keep people alive. And what he saw in the work he was doing at that time was people were not physicians were not being honest with family about what was truly happening with their loved one, that they were actively dying. And so he said we medicalized we’ve medicalized dying, and then they die in the hospital. They die in the nursing home away from their family or loved ones, and oftentimes alone, and he’s, you know, so he’s a huge he’s actually he switched gears completely and has been a hospice physician now for many yours and is studying has studied the end of life experiences of people who are dying and was featured in the Netflix Docu series. Surviving death. You might be interested in if you haven’t yet, haven’t seen it, I’ll have to look into who you would like that. So yes, I’m completely on par with what you just just shared. What is one thing I’m putting on the spot? So what is one thing that you can think of off the top of your head that this I want present? Like, if you have that agency, you have that choice, you’re, you know, have a good death? What is one thing that is an absolute that you want? At your end of life?

Jen Kidwell 1:00:45
Hmm, I think I’ve thought about this a lot, especially after, after being there with with my grandmother and I think laughter is something that I want kind of around around me right laughter of my laughter of my loved ones and my kids, right? People telling stories and carrying the joy that I hope that I bring into the world, right, carrying that, that forward, I think about some of my favorite children’s books, and how I would love for people to kind of people to read them to me, whether I whether I can experience them or not, but so that they can experience them kind of together. So I think laughter is a is a big thing. I remember it was that was a significant moment, when we were together, around right GG had passed, but we were still sitting sitting around her and talking about her and playing music and, and sharing stories and laughing and that just felt like a really lovely way to honor her honor her spirit. And, and so yeah, I think I think laughter should be in the room. Even though you know, it might be sad. Hopefully, it’ll be a little sad. But I don’t want people to be to be afraid, too afraid to tell stories and to and to be silly and playful. So yeah,

Victoria Volk 1:02:08
I just got full body chop up. That was good. That was very good. Thank you for sharing that. And it is true. I think, you know, we it’s almost like you feel guilty for feeling joy in a moment like that. You know, and it’s like you just expressed it’s, that’s the juice of life is joy. Really. It’s all the things.

Jen Kidwell 1:02:29
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. We were embodies all of that. Yeah. Yeah, I was with my daughter in the cemetery before the day before my grandmother’s service. And my mom and I were there together. She has a My mom has done done a ton of childcare for us and is much beloved, by my by my kiddos, really, by all children, she encounters. But and so Lucy, my daughter was was there and we were she was sort of like skipping around and, and I could tell at first that my mom was a little uncomfortable with the fact that she was like, being a six year old kid kind of, you know, dipping in and out of the of the reflection and being kind of silly. And I, I wanted to say something to kind of help both of them maybe feel a little more comfortable. And so I I told I told this is like Sweetie, you. I want you to be joyful. If you’re if you feel joyful here be joyful, right? We are respectful. We do not, you know, we don’t touch the gravestones, we don’t you know, there’s a lot of things we don’t do. But think about all the people who were buried here and all of the life that they loved, right? They all had a favorite joke, right? They all they all had moments in their life when they couldn’t stop laughing. And so think about how it’s like it honors them to bring that spirit to this place. Right? And so and so yes, we are respectful. But absolutely, we are also playful. We are also you know, if you’re feeling joyful, then then you’re joyful. And we live in that space, too. And so that was a I was really glad for both of them actually to be able to kind of share that and then talk about it a little bit with them. Because again, like we don’t work somber, right, where cemeteries are somber, and maybe that’s okay, sometimes. But, um, but maybe not all the time. So,

Victoria Volk 1:04:16
That’s, that’s the gift that children give us. Righ? Yeah. And lighten up, lighten up a little. And here’s another tip. You know, when I was when I was listening to, it’s really considering that person that you’re there to support and their their transition. What did they love? What did they enjoy? Bring that to the room? You know, it’s like you love children’s books. So Exactly, exactly. Like you said, like, what are some of her favorite books and when I used to volunteer at the nursing home, I don’t have the time like I want eventually I want to get back to that. But I would read to the residents, the newspaper whatever it was they wanted me to read because you lose You know, your eyesight isn’t the best you get to a certain age, you have glaucoma, cataracts, all these things you can’t. And if you loved reading the paper, and you can’t do that anymore, you’re not you can’t enjoy the paper anymore. And so having someone to read it to them, right. So, I think that’s a good tip for to leave people with as well. If you have someone who’s transitioning, just think about what they truly what juice them up, what did they love doing? What were their hobbies? And I’m curious, what is your side hobby business?

Jen Kidwell 1:05:29
Oh, um, so I did, I dabbled in some web design for for fun. And also for, you know, for clients. And then also I, I sell some curriculum that I that I written mostly for, for youth groups, and for adult small groups, some there’s sort of an anti racism series, and a couple series that I loved using TED talks to in in ways to kind of bring that in conversation with with Scripture and with the experience of, you know, whatever, whatever the group was. And so I have a handful of those, and that, you know, a bunch of other things, games and other things for mostly around the ministry ministry world.

Victoria Volk 1:06:12
Well, I send that my way, because I would love to include that in the show notes as well, because that could be a resource for people, especially with inclusion and all of that, you know, so I think,

Jen Kidwell 1:06:22
Absolutely, it totally well, and the, and I do, as you mentioned, I am, I am in Maryland, but I do do values, values based coaching for anyone who is feel stuck or overwhelmed in the process and wants some some guidance and interaction to sort of, really ground themselves in, in their, in their values and in their stories of identity to so I do that sort of as a It’s not I don’t, you know, provide legal advice as part of that. But as someone who, who knows the types of questions that would be part of an estate planning journey, in any given state, I offer some of that as well. If that, if that sounds helpful.

Victoria Volk 1:07:04
I love that you brought up the values piece, because I’m a certified Youmap coach. And we through that process, we there’s like four assessments that basically ultimately create what’s called a you map. And it’s basically a map of you, that includes your top five strengths, your values, how you’re wired, and your skill set that you you know, the your most preferred skills, and all of that together creates a U map. But what the U map really does, too, is through the values, it really creates a it’s a pathway for making decisions, right. And I, I hear that, and what you’re saying is that our values really dictate if we tune into that guidance that we have instead, you know, not let it be filtered out through other people’s perceptions, or what we think they think or what they want, or whatever, if we stick to what our values are, and use that as our guide, we can never go wrong in our decisions.

Jen Kidwell 1:07:58
Right? Right, then our story is always ours, right? Because it come out of it has come out of us. And we can we can use those values and those sort of those those words and those phrases as we as we tell our stories, too. I think that’s that’s a big anyway, talk about this forever.

Victoria Volk 1:08:15
But I know where can people find you?

Jen Kidwell 1:08:20
Yeah, so I am at www.marylandlegacylaw.com You can check out some things there. Again, if you’re interested in chatting about some some values based stuff as it relates to estate planning. That information would be on my website. And then if you if you happen to be interested in the in some some ministry resources, or even a book about storytelling, that said, jenkidwell.com, so I’ll send those to you and you can include them if you’d like to.

Victoria Volk 1:08:49
Awesome. And how about on social media?

Jen Kidwell 1:08:52
I am mostly just on Facebook. Just my self. Jen Kidwell. Well, you can you can find me. I have a picture of me with my cute little ones. So if you if you need some some kiddo joy. They are they are on my on my Facebook feed from time to time, primarily where I am.

Victoria Volk 1:09:13
Thank you so much for being here. I think this was a very much needed conversation that I’m glad to have brought to my listeners. So thank you so much for your time today. Great. Thank you for the invitation. And remember, when you unleash your heart you unleash your life. Much love.

 

Ep 122 | Spiritually Challenged: Releasing Anger & the Story

Takeaways & Reflections | Spiritually Challenged: Releasing Anger & the Story

 

 

SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:

There are two camps of grievers; those who talk about their grief and share their stories and those who keep their grief and stories hidden.

Regardless of the camp, you find yourself in, there is one common denominator that is often present with most, if not all, grievers – anger.

There is a caveat to sharing your story, though. As we look for meaning in our experiences, including those that cause us grief, we can find ourselves repeating the story without ever getting into how the experience made us feel.

Depending on the grief experience, we may disassociate ourselves from those experiences, never feeling the feelings, and recite what happened when speaking our stories to others as if it were a recipe card. Repeating only the story does nothing to help us move forward in our lives — to move beyond the story.

Anger adds to the feeling of powerlessness over something that cannot be changed or undone. It can impact our spirituality, too. And, if we pay attention to when anger shows up for us, it informs us where our attention to the pain needs to be.

Over time, anger resulting from grief can chip away at our souls, our spirituality, and the essence of who we are. However, through Kim, Scott, and Christian’s stories, we learn how sitting in the emotional pain (and the anger) can be the fuel and the catalyst for change and growth.

If you are struggling with your grief, listen to this episode and then take a moment to reflect on your spirituality, anger, and the story you have lived.

What has your grief (and anger) been trying to tell you?

________

NEED HELP?

  • National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
  • Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor

If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.

Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.

CONNECT WITH VICTORIA: 

 

A Little Update About My Son

I do just want to give a little update as to what’s been happening in my neck of the woods. If you’ve been listening for a while, you know that my son had an accident back in November of 2021. And it’s still an ongoing process, he’s still somewhat healing I was I say somewhat because technically, his pancreas is still necrotizing, which really means it’s dying. But in the process of the pancreas dying, he experiences vomiting from time to time still. And so we’re just watching it, and he will be having another CT or MRI coming up here in a few months. And so we will see where things stand at that time. So I just wanted to thank you for any good wishes that you’ve sent his way. And I will continue to keep you updated on that front.

Launching Another Program This Year

I have another piece of news for you if you follow me on Instagram, Facebook, or LinkedIn, you may have seen a couple of hints here and there or if you follow my newsletter if you have signed up for my newsletter, The unleashed letters, which is a bi-weekly newsletter I send every other Wednesday. If you follow there, too, you may have seen some rumblings of a launch that’s coming up. I will be starting a group program on November 30, 2022, and if you would like to stay in the know when of all the happenings with that and be the first to know when you can register. Sign up for my newsletter. That’s the easiest way to keep up to date.

The Imprint of Fear and Feeling Unwanted To Finding My Voice

Going back to Kimberly Bell’s episode, one of the things that I jotted down as I was that if we believe our stories and our experiences are so unique, that no one could possibly understand, we are setting ourselves up for more suffering and disappointment.

And what I mean by that is anyone truly going to understand what you’ve been through? Absolutely not. Because you are in your own story, you have lived that story, you have lived that experience, and no one else has. And so if we focus on that aspect of no one knowing what it was like because they weren’t there, that is true.

But at the same time, if that is our reason for not sharing with others, if that is what we are using as a way to shut ourselves down from connecting with others, or if we’re using that thought process or that belief, of say, belief, if we’re using that belief, and really believing that is to be true, then we are only becoming more disconnected from those around us. And we are only isolating ourselves more in our grief.

And I say this several times, throughout other podcasts or in my writings that we can get so stuck on the story that we will repeat our story of what happened, this happened to me, and then this happened. And then that happened. And then this happened as if we were almost just reciting a recipe or reading something someone else gave us. And it’s this.

And I think we do that because we’ve assigned certain meanings to what happened. And our minds just want to understand it, our minds want to logically understand what happened. And so this process of repeating the story, really only keeps us in the story. If we feel like we have to share the story with anyone who will listen, any chance we get, there’s a clue there, that there’s probably something unresolved. There is a difference between speaking your story to inspire, to connect, to help someone else maybe connect the dots of their story, or to highlight a turning point.

But if it’s reciting just what happened, this happened. And that happened, and this happened. And that happened. What good is that doing? Anybody, you relive it in your body? If you haven’t processed that story. If you haven’t fully processed the story, every time you repeat it, you’re living it in your body. Again, as you’re speaking your story you might feel might have a flashback, or you might have a feeling in your body, your heart rate might go up your blood pressure might increase you. You might have these physical responses to what you are speaking out loud. And how is that serving you? How is that helping you move forward?

And this is what we can see oftentimes in support groups, especially in-person support groups, which could be online to where there is no outlined action
or purpose for the group. If it’s just this open sharing of the story. You might leave feeling worse about yourself. Actually. You might feel worse leaving because you are taking in that other person’s story. You’re feeling something so heavy of someone else shared.

There is no hierarchy of grief. There is no loss or experience that anyone can say is worse than this or worse than that.

There are certain losses we can’t even fathom experiencing. But there is no hierarchy of grief because we all grieve at 100% regardless of what the loss was. I just want to encourage you that to challenge that belief that no one could ever possibly understand. Because to receive compassion and empathy from another griever, or from another person who’s experienced loss, can do so much for the soul, can do so much for the griever’s heart. 

And so if we come into the conversation, or to the room, or to the group, or wherever you’re going into, and you’re sharing your story, or you’re afraid to share your story, just remember that your grief is worthy of being honored and heard. But if you’re repeating the story, and it’s not moving you forward, you haven’t been moving forward, there’s something to dig into there.

Facing The Challenges in Our Life

Let’s skip the surface-level recipe card of all the crap that you’ve experienced. Let’s get deeper than that. Let’s go beyond that. How did that change you? How did that shape your life today? How is that changing you now? Talk about that stuff, the meat, and the juice, that is the experience of life, that is life. Because this stuff will constantly be popping up in and out of our lives we’ll always be experiencing loss and will always be having these experiences that shape us and challenge us. Some might be deeply wounding and others might just sting a little. But regardless, let’s go deep into these conversations we’re having or get the recipe card conversation, forget the repeat, and repeat. We’re in a boat conversation, right? Let’s talk about the deeper emotional side of grief when we’re sharing our stories. That’s where the connection is.

Anger After a Loss And The Anger Within Ourselves

Let’s go back to Scott Deluzio’s episode, he lost his brother while they were both on a deployment to Afghanistan, and he spoke a lot about his experience with anger after that loss.

Scott shares this “I put grief down and I picked up anger” I think that is so common with so many grievers and grievers of all kinds. Because you can lose a brother in that way on a deployment, but you can also be sexually assaulted or you can experience the death of a complicated relationship with a parent. And you might have a lot of anger towards that parent, and then they pass away and you still might be angry. There are a lot of things in life that can stir up anger within us. And a lot of relationships that can too. And so I think anger is one of these emotions that from a young childhood that is stuffed away, pushed down, told us badly, you can’t be angry, don’t show your anger at me type of thing.

I had a lot of misplaced anger within me. And I’ve actually seen glimpses of it every now and again, you know, if I’m working on something very intently, and I’m super hyper-focused. And then something comes to disrupt that flow or something malfunctions and doesn’t want to work, or he’ll be at software or the kid needs something, or the phone keeps ringing, or some distraction of some sort. Any kind of distraction that takes me off that hyperfocus train. Then I’ve been quick to anger. Because it’s so hard for me to get back. It’s really difficult for me to, get back on track when I’ve been derailed. I’ll say it that way when I feel like I’ve been derailed. Because I do personally know that my energy, I work in bursts. And I can knock out a lot of things in a short amount of time.

So when I’m in these productive mental bursts of energy, and things aren’t going right, then the ugly comes out. And so I’ve recently seen this, and I’ve caught myself in those moments of anger. Now granted, that’s very different anger versus grief anger. But at the same time, I can recognize that those moments of those, those anger bursts, when something isn’t going right or going my way or isn’t working or what have you. Those are far wide and in between, like those aren’t a common thing for me. Whereas when I was experiencing my anger from my grief, I was just angry all the time.

If something isn’t going right in your life and you’re angry about it, there’s your sign if there is something you are angry about, there is your sign that something needs to change. If you are not pissed about something, kudos to you. But if you are listening to the Grieving Voices Podcast it’s about grief, I guarantee you, you probably are pissed about something. So what is that anger guiding you to that you are not getting the message? You are not listening to that intuitive knowing within you. And that anger is either seething inside of you and you’re misplacing it and you’re projecting it elsewhere. Or it’s physically making you sick, there’s a clue. Look to your anger. And that’s what needs to change. And use it for fuel to do so. And your life can change.

Religion Versus Spirituality

Talking back to Christian’s episode last week, which was about religion versus spirituality. It is something that I’ve personally struggled with over the years, from childhood into well into adulthood. One thing Christian shared, and I wholeheartedly agree with this, is that spirituality is a part of us, it’s inherently a part of us. It is the essence of who we are. It is like, it is us like it is the core of our being. We are spiritual beings.

But what happens is, is grief happens and trauma happens. And it puts these layers against our spiritual selves, our inner physical selves, our emotional selves, like there are all these layers, then it’s almost like I imagined it looking like when you walk into like those mirror mazes. And you don’t know which way like you see your reflection and you think that’s the way to go. But it’s really not that, your reflections, you’re looking back at yourself but it’s an illusion. And I feel like, that’s what happens with grief and our spirituality is we can’t see the forest through the trees.

And so we may even cut ourselves off from our own spiritual essence of who we are. So then we might cut ourselves off from even God and religion, and walk away completely, which I had for several years. I wrote off God, I was angry with God. Why is there so much suffering in my life and the whole victim story I had down pat. But that was what was happening since my childhood and on, and I had never felt this connection to myself. Because so much was taken from me at such a young age that I didn’t even know my spiritual self existed. And so, it’s been a process of coming back to and rediscovering who I was.

The glimpses, like recognizing, again, those glimpses of my essence that I got when I was a teenager, and I was into like astrology and palm reading and all this mystical stuff. I was into that. And I loved collecting stickers because it was a form of play in it, it was childlike to me. And I didn’t have much of a childhood. It was a traumatic childhood. I don’t even remember a lot of it. And so I loved stickers as a teenager. And so I do today, too. I play with stickers today as an adult. It’s because I’ve learned how to reconnect to those parts of myself. I’m an energy healer. I’ve learned energy and healing. The mystical stuff. The stuff we can’t explain that I was into as a teenager but hadn’t allowed myself to really lean into that part of myself.

Grief is just really the impact it has on our spiritual souls. And how that ripples into the rest of our lives and what we do and what we become and what we do for play and how we show up in the world and all these things, right? But we don’t get that from religion. I don’t feel we do. Religion didn’t give me that. Its religion is an external thing. And spirituality is within. And so religion can be a pillar of growth and evolution and a foundation to start a spiritual journey. But I really feel like they are two separate things. That you can be spiritual, and have a religion, that there are many religious people who are not spiritual. The book says this, and this, and this, and this, and that’s it, right? But they’re not connecting with it. They’re not connecting with the words, they’re not connecting with what that means in their life. They’re not connected to themselves. They’re reading these words, but they’re disconnected from themselves. Because so many believe that you just gotta pray about it. All you got to do is pray about it. We got to pray and move our feet. The shortest line in the Bible is Jesus cried, he wept. And so many of us we’ve been private, we cry in private. And that’s so isolating.

And I even talked about how in the newsletter I even talked about how religion can be used against people. And so we have to be very careful about the advice that we give to people because we may be religious, or you might be a religious person, but not everybody is. And what if that person had religion used against them as a means to control as a means to manipulate? That person is religiously scarred. And we don’t want to inflict any more pain on that person who has experienced that type of grief.

In someone who has experienced that type of grief, and if you’re one of them, and you’re listening to this, I would recommend can start doing practices that help you connect to yourself spiritually, look into spiritual practice, and start connecting to the self. And if you find religion again, great, and if you don’t, that’s okay, too. In that episode, I mentioned that the soul is in the gut, and grief is in the lungs. And grief can actually be anywhere in the body. And generally speaking, to like, as far as pain, we might feel it in the left shoulder. And biofield tuning, which is energy sound healing that I conduct either online or in person. If you have a lot going on energetically in the left shoulder. That is where grief and sadness often are.

In Chinese medicine, they say grief is in the lungs, asthma, and different lung conditions. I believe that could be true. You can’t take a deep breath right? You can’t breathe, it’s like you’re suffocating in your own grief. And that makes sense to me, and that resonates with me, too. And as a teenager, I was dealing with a lot of gut issues. My soul was literally being chipped away. Spiritually, I have chipped away. And it makes sense to me to have that my gut was just screaming at me as a teenager.

How Powerful Breathwork Is

And so through breathwork, Christian talked about how connecting to the breath. We understand this powerful resource that we have within us in the breath. And I’ve personally experienced this with a friend of mine and I mentioned it during the episode too. I learned the power of the breath and how we can channel it to create so much energy within our bodies. It’s you can’t even imagine, I can’t even bring it into words, what that experience was like for me, but my hands are just vibrating, just talking about it. I feel the vibration in my hands. So we can’t destroy energy, but we can move energy and we can also create it within ourselves. So again, if you are low energy, you’re low vibe, you’re not living life in the full vibrant way that you wish to, look at where you’re at spiritually.

He also mentioned these two hurdles, that most people that he’s worked with or over the years have to personal freedom and empowerment. And one is being the victim. The poor be this relation to this poor me relationship to life, he said. And then also a struggle with forgiveness. And, he shared to give space to others is to be human. And get off of this self-righteous ego that we so often have, when it comes to forgiveness. I could have just an episode on victimhood and forgiveness, and actually have a chapter in my book about the victim mindset because I was stuck there for so many years. And I also coincidentally, and not coincidentally, had a real challenge with forgiveness. And so both of these things are actually addressed in the grief, evidence-based grief programs that I facilitate, and what I personally experienced myself that transformed my grief.

much love, victoria

P.S. I highly encourage you to think about what I share today. Let it settle in your heart and reflect on it. Just take a moment to journal your thoughts after listening to this episode. What are your takeaways and reflections? I would love to hear your takeaways and reflections from this takeaways and reflections episode and I encourage you and I hope you share because I would love to know your thoughts on this episode. And I hope it was helpful. And also be sure you signed up on The Unleash Letters to get updated about the new program that I am launching this November.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ep 121 | Christian de la Huerta

Christian de la Huerta | Awakening the Soul of Power

 

 

SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:

Christian is one of nine children born and raised in Cuba during turbulent times and in the Catholic faith.

His parents instilled in him the importance of excelling and reading. These early lessons laid a foundation. However, those lessons also set the stage for a desire to escape and not be seen.

Introversion and depression plagued his adolescence, as was his knowledge of being gay. With courage, he came out to his family. Christian speaks about this challenging time in his life and the ones that came to be in the future, including the recent (and unexpected) decline of his mother’s cognitive health.

Through his breath and deep, internal work, Christian paved a path to personal empowerment and now leads others in doing the same. Through the lens of 30+ years of experience, he shares two of the biggest hurdles others have to personal freedom and empowerment.

RESOURCES:

CONNECT:

________

NEED HELP?

  • National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
  • Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor

If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.

Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.

CONNECT WITH VICTORIA: 

 

Victoria Volk 0:00
Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. Today my guest is Christian de la Huerta. He has 30 years experience and is a sought after spiritual teacher, personal transformation coach and leading voice in the breathwork community. He has traveled the world offering inspiring and transformational retreats combining psychological and spiritual teachings with lasting and life changing effects, and award winning critically acclaimed author he has spoken at numerous universities and conferences and on the TEDx stage. His new book, awakening the soul of power has described by multiple Grammy Award winner Gloria Estefan as a balm for the soul of anyone searching for truth and answers to life’s difficult questions, and has received a novelist Book Award and a nonfiction book award. So thank you so much for being here. And we are gonna go deep today.

Christian de la Huerta 0:52
Thank you so much, Victoria. I’m so happy to be here with you.

Victoria Volk 0:56
I actually really want to start, because I know you’ve done a lot of these podcast episodes, interviews, and then on the stage and things like that. But I really want to get to know you as a child, because I think our childhood really shapes our adulthood because adulthood is childhood reenactments. I say a lot. So I’m interested in learning about you as a child. So would you describe yourself as a child and your life? What it was like, for you?

Christian de la Huerta 1:24
Yeah, that’s, that’s interesting. I was I was born in Cuba. And so lived in a communist regime for the first 10 years of my life. And I’m one part of a large family of one of nine kids and only 12 years between the oldest and the youngest, and my mom was pretty much pregnant the whole time. Which I can’t even imagine having any kids, I’m happy if I don’t kill my plants when I travel. The scene so it was it was a beautiful and challenging in different ways. Childhood, I’m really appreciative of the fact that we grew up without watching TV, we had a TV, but there was nothing worth watching, really. So we grew up reading and I’m really grateful for that. We grew up creating, inventing our games and our pastimes and spending a lot of time out outside. So you know, when I see some of my kids in my life, you know, just like with their nose to the to the screen, just lost in there’s, it’s, it saddens me a bit. To see that. I was, you know, it was interesting, because my parents were involved in counter revolutionary activity. So they were conspiring against the revolution, or the Communist revolution, there was this kind of interesting push pull between, like an implicit, wanting to be seen and wanting to excel, like there was sort of sort of a family message like most of us were, like, really good students. I think we all were, and then because of their cattle revolute with the right kind of revolutionary activities, there was an innate, another message not to be seen too much. So So I see that, that, you know, I’m basically introverted, which, which means that you know, that I that I process internally that I need time off, if I don’t have time alone, that’s when I’m liable to lose my center. And so this was an interesting childhood me surrounded by kids and then having this also introverted streak like looking fighting for I was looking for my own space. And what I think your your, your audience might relate to also is that my adolescence, if you don’t, going forward a little bit, was one long depression with suicidal fantasies, like, I don’t think I know, I wouldn’t have done anything about it. But I did have thoughts about not not being alive and sort of like that escape fantasy, and and what’s important for your audience, because another another depth of the work that you do is that flash forward now, no matter what the details, or the circumstances are in my life, whether a relationship works out where it doesn’t, whether a project succeeds or it fails in quotes. I never, ever, ever questioned my sense of self, my level of self love self acceptance, are established, and unshakable and so that I know that that we can all break out of that stuff, the traumatic the difficult stuff, the self esteem, stuff from from childhood that all that stuff can be healed and transcended.

Victoria Volk 4:47
In your TED talk, you spoke a lot about this fight, flight or freeze and would you express that that was your adolescence, like was it like a, like a lack of stupid ability or security, like what was the? What was the grief? Of of your experience, then?

Christian de la Huerta 5:07
Yeah, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t say that I was in that. Maybe No, I didn’t know that I would say that it was in the fight flight or freeze mode. I think it was just numbed out. And for me, it was an existential struggle. You know, I knew at a young age that I was gay. And I was raised in a very Catholic, very Catholic environment. So trying to reconcile, you know, those two parts of who I am, there was a part of me that that’s always had a spiritual sense, sense of mission sets of helping humanity making a difference in other people’s lives, with serving the sacred that’s interpreted that in different points in my life. So there was a huge part of me, and this other part of me that was told by the religion in which I was raised, that I was, you know, another I’m an abomination in the eyes of God, that I was gonna burn in hell for eternity. So that was the struggle, which, you know, looking back on it, I’m grateful for that now, for several reasons. But one of the reasons is that it forced me to struggle with those tough, existential questions of, you know, who am I? What am I here for? What’s life about? What, why do we do the things we do at a younger age that most of us have to struggle with. And so, for that, I’m grateful. And it also gives me an ability and an ability to deeply empathize with another person’s pain or their grief, you know, the details might be different, but the experience is similar, for most of us, so so I’m grateful for all of that.

Victoria Volk 6:43
Where you accepted your loved ones?

Christian de la Huerta 6:48
Eventually, yes, I mean, my siblings immediately, my parents, you know, it took a little bit longer for it to, you know, for my mom to get to the place of, I just want my kids to be happy, which, you know, which that foundation was always there, so that I know that I’m blessed in that area that many other people don’t have, which was that I knew that the love was there. And no matter what, even though I spent years, you know, with with that deep, dark secret, not telling them, but once I finally did come out to them, you know, it’s it took some navigating for sure. And my father was a psychiatrist. So there were other layers around that of, you know, his philosophy about that, but but I knew that deep down inside the love, was there always.

Victoria Volk 7:43
Can I ask for those listening? Who might get a sense that their child may be gay? Or be struggling with their sexual identity? What is one piece of advice that you would give them? Is it to confront it, and just start the conversation or allow the child to express it in their own time?

Christian de la Huerta 8:11
You know, it’s hard to make a blanket choice about that, or suggestion about that? I think it depends. My inclination, my initial inclination would be to let it let it come out in the child, but I’ve also heard stories where the father, the father, or the mother, just opening up the space and, you know, creating an environment which, in which the kid feel safe, and you know, kind of setting them up, to be able to come out to them, but that’s also very helpful. Here’s the thing that I think will be helpful, because I know that the reason that all of us you know, but especially parents, you know, struggle with that, how can I accept this in my child, when my religion may be telling you that this is wrong, or that it’s sinful, or whatever. So it’s going to take work, right? It’s gonna, it’s, for me, it was it took years to get to that point of self accepting and reconciling my sexuality and my spirituality. But But here’s what’s really key is that a lot, there’s about six, and I’m going to go immediately to the majority religion and in this country, and the West, which is Christianity. There are basically six biblical texts that are interpreted, and I would say misinterpreted, to condemn homosexuality. And the thing to remember about about this is that they’ve been taken out of their cultural and historical context, and they’re very selectively interpreted. What allowed me to get through this into healers and myself is that I started doing a lot of research and discovered and realized that before the patriarchal times and cultures and religions, people that we today would call gay or lesbian or LGBT, or Q or whatever. We’re not only spiritually inclined, but wherever actually honored, respected, in some cases revered for the roles of spiritual service and spiritual leadership that they played all over the world. So my first book was called coming out spiritually, and dives deeply into that, because there are examples of that all over the world and all inhabited continent. And so that begins, like, once we’re able to reconcile that for ourselves as parents, then it becomes easier to arrive at that point is like, you know what, all right, well, I don’t know about this stuff, and where these teachings come from, but I know the love I have for my child, no matter what, and I help them to arrive to a place of inner peace with that.

Victoria Volk 10:43
Isn’t that the goal? Just to find inner peace with it on both sides? Right? Yes, yes. It’s better than creating, destroying the bridge between that relationship, there’s ripple effects in that for sure.

Christian de la Huerta 10:57
Oh, my God, and it’s so unnecessary. And so unnecessary. By the way, it’s important to remember to that because the more I think about this, the more that I realized that homophobia and misogyny are two sides of the same coin. And the more that I think about it, I think misogyny is really the deeper one. Because if you look at any culture, any religion, that persecute homosexuality, or you know, LGBTQ people, 100% correlation, they are the same ones, where women do not have equal status. And so, you know, taking one of those, you know, what are called the holy text of terrorists, those six biblical injunction injunctions that are used to condemn same sex behavior. One of them is like, you know, you should not lie with a man as you do with a woman. But what about two women together? You know, that, that doesn’t even come up? And why is that? Because at that time, in that culture, you know, women weren’t even human. Women were property. And so am I going to base my my choices about what’s right, and what’s wrong on stuff that was written, you know, 1000s of years ago, that was translated and re translated and mistranslated, stuff was taken out stuff was put into those those those, you know, sacred texts that were written by humans. And so I’m personally not, you know, and even if we, if we flash forward to today, you know, for, you know, like, the many examples of homophobic, straight men, you tell him, Oh, two women, or you show him a movie with two women, it’s like, Ooh, I want some of that. But how different two men together, it’s like, wow, you know, either either, you got to shoot them, you got to kill them, get rid of them, or the yuck factor comes out. So why is that? And I think is because of two women together. We’re not a threat to the status quo. Right? Because again, they weren’t seemed to hold the same kind of amount of power in the world and still don’t, which connects to the book that, you know, that I just published last year, whereas two men in their mind, I think they believe that one of them is willingly forfeiting giving up their superior male status, and that is a threat to the status quo.

Victoria Volk 13:19
Do you think that if men, just straight men in general got more in touch with their femininity, their feminine side? You know, the yin and yang, equally balanced? Do you think that would change things?

Christian de la Huerta 13:39
Of course it would. And, and, you know, because we’re part of the cosmos, the cosmos is equally balanced between masculine and feminine energies. So that means that those masculine and feminine energies course through every one of us, no matter what kind of body we’re in, and for some reason, you know, at the rise of the patriarchy, the feminine was made, was turned us into weakness into something less than, and whereas, whereas, you know, from my perspective, if you want to talk, strength and power and resilience and courage, let’s talk about the power of creation that lies in a female body and to lighten things up a little bit, you know, read about an interview of Betty White Pass to not long ago, the one and only inimitable Betty White, but apparently she was in one of those group interviews and somebody said something about having balls and she goes, Wait a minute, I don’t know where we got this connection between having balls and encouraging strength and strength you thumped those little things in the guy collapses bends over in pain. You want to talk courage and strength, let’s talk vaginas. Those things take a pounding.

Victoria Volk 14:56
You know, just yesterday, my soul i you actually mentioned her in your TED Talk Joan of Arc. And so my daughter, she’s going to be confirmed. I’m actually a convert to Catholicism. But I, you know, I struggled spiritually and religiously for many years because my dad died when I was a child, and I was sexually assaulted and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I wrote off God, I was angry at God, and I didn’t, you know, that relationship, I cut it off. And so I struggled for a long time, but I found something I could set a foundation of faith in. And it’s still evolving, it’s always going to evolve. And I think that’s where we kind of get stuck in our thought process. And then in our, we get stuck in our ways. Like, this is how it is, this is how it’s always gonna be. But I feel like I’m more spiritual now than I would say, I’m religious, you know, and that took a long time to get there. Anyway. Sure. My daughter, my daughter chose Joan of Arc, though as her patron saint. So anyway, I just said to her, I said to her yesterday, she has to do this paper on her and I just said, you know, well, you know, she was she’s like, she’s a badass. She, I don’t know how, how I will describe her. But I did say she has lady ball. That she had lady balls, you know, when you mentioned that, it’s like, oh, my gosh, my language, right. Like it is. It is in so this is my question, because I wasn’t gonna go here. But I feel like it’s, it’s just coming up. So currently, there’s this all this talk about gender neutral clothing, and I haven’t even seen the story I it was just shared with me and, and my thought is let the kids wear what they want to wear. Just let them wear what they want to wear. Let them express themselves. You know, here it’s us as parents and society, that places these places, children in a box, well, let’s just give them gender neutral, because they look male, and they they see male, so let’s just put blue clothes on him. But as adults, we were all kinds of colors. I’m wearing blue today. That make me male. You know what I mean? Like, it’s not a big deal as adults. It’s ridiculous. Why do we make it a big deal? I think we as a society, we make mountains out of molehills, where there doesn’t need to be just compassion, and kindness and free freedom of expression. Right? I have a picture of my child sheet my youngest girl, she, I don’t know, one time, it’s one of my favorite pictures. But she was dressed literally like a clown. Like just mismatched, and stripes and solids and all kinds of it. And she looked silly, ridiculous. And she had like a wellness check that day, I let her dress like that. I don’t care. Like what, you know, people get so afraid of what it what it says about them. You know? So I think that’s yeah, anyway, that’s my schpeel. What are your thoughts on that?

Christian de la Huerta 18:01
I think you’re absolutely right. It’s ridiculous and tragic. How much power we give away to others, and how much weight we give to what other people think how many choices we make, based on what we think they think. Right? So it’s all made up in our minds, and based on whether other people are gonna like it or not. And to me, it goes back to self esteem, right, the stronger our sense of self, the deeper that our level of self acceptance, the less and less and less that we care what anybody else thinks. And, and we get to that place of freedom, which I think is what we all have, we’re all longing for freedom just to be who we are, wherever we are. Because we spent so much time like with, you know, with masks, and being this way at work, and this other way, with, with our friends this other way with our family this other way with, with our lovers, it’s exhausting. It’s right, what if we were just able to, to be who we are, right, of course, selectively, unconsciously and intelligently. We don’t have to share every part of who we are with everybody in our lives. But it’s such a relief, we spend so much energy, worried about what other people think and then presenting ourselves in a way that we think they’re going to like exhausting.

Victoria Volk 19:21
Exactly. You mentioned in your TED Talk, too, which I’ll put that in the show notes link to that. But you mentioned you’re speaking the language of Grief Recovery. When you were talking about are you familiar with grief recovery method at all?

Christian de la Huerta 19:36
Not the method method specifically my degrees in psychology so and from personal experience I’ve also dealt with you know with grief, but I don’t know that particular methodology Grief Recovery, recover.

Victoria Volk 19:46
Okay. It Well, it’s based on the Grief Recovery handbook. But you were talking about particularly there was a spot where you’re talking about drugs and alcohol and shopping and gambling like all these ways that we call opened to distract ourselves from what we’re feeling. And I’m like, Oh my gosh, she’s speaking the language of Grief Recovery. Because in Grief Recovery, we call those stirpes short term energy relieving behaviors. And so as a teenager, when you are going through all of this struggle with self self acceptance, and you know, this tog, and what were some of the ways you were coping with that.

Christian de la Huerta 20:24
Yeah, you know, that’s, that’s a good, great conversation too, because we all do that, right? We, like most of us, I’m gonna say most of us, like, have become really adept at running away from numbing out or emotions. So and there’s so many creative ways in which we do that, right, that we numb out and not to not feel to not remember whether it’s substances, drugs, alcohol, food, whether it’s behaviors, exercise, social media, shopping, work, workaholism. Yeah, yeah, and not that there’s anything intrinsically wrong with any of those. It’s how we do it, how we a relationship to all those things, TV, and, you know, all of them have potential to be have good or negative effects not so good effect. I think for me, I definitely hit at my books. And I love you know, the fantasies science fiction, it was it was easy for me just get lost in these worlds, whether it was Lord of the Rings are the foundation series are so many other series like that, that I could just go get lost in book after book after book after book for your Pisces, no, I’m a Gemini.

Victoria Volk 21:42
Oh my son’s a Gemini, but just how you’re describing getting lost in the fantasy. I’m like, okay, that’s, that’s like me.

Christian de la Huerta 21:48
And you know, and it’s understandable, it’s easier to go through it with, you know, to not want to feel stuff that wasn’t pleasant, or to remember stuff that, you know, may not have been great experience. So it’s understandable that we want to run away from that stuff, but the price we pay, the reason that it’s not an effective strategy, as you know, is that that stuff doesn’t go away, just because we don’t want to deal with it. So we stuffed it in we stuff our emotions, and you know, what used to be spiritual teaching that everything is energy. Now we know from quantum physics, that everything is energy. And we know that energy cannot be destroyed. And by everything, I mean everything like this cherub sitting on the table, or the computer, the body, the emotion, even though it might feel solid, it’s just energy, just vibration. And so whenever we stuff those emotions, whenever we numb out and run away from them, it doesn’t go away. It gets it gets lodged in the tissues of the body. And after years, and decades of doing that, we walk around with layers upon layers upon even more layers of repressed emotional crap, and unhealed past situations. And here we are trying to have a relationship in the present moment. And all of it is getting filtered through that lifetime of unhealed trauma, and repressed emotions like Yikes, how any relationship can work is it boggles my mind, because we haven’t been taught how to hold on how to approach them. And we certainly haven’t been taught how to clear ourselves of that cauldron of repressed emotion, because what happens is we suppress, suppress, suppress, and then the next unfortunate one just says something to us the wrong the wrong way and boom, volcanic eruption. And because our, to our relationships, sometimes irreparably, or suppress, suppress, suppress, suppress, that energy has to come out, and it begins to start seeping out of the body and showing up as physical symptoms, like cancer, heart attacks, ulcers, so we’ve got to get this we’ve got to get a relationship to our emotions and accept that they’re not weakness. Emotions are not good. They’re not bad. They’re not strength, they’re not weakness. They’re just energies coursing through our bodies, we get into trouble with them when we when we suffer, because what happens when we stuff sadness, as you know, it congeals it turns into grief. And when we stuff anger, it turns into rage and we walk around like a raging cauldrons. So better to nip it in the bud and learn how to first identify what we’re feeling because most of us are clueless about our emotions, including my psychiatrist, that including myself up until I started doing this conscious work 20 years 30 years ago, I had no idea no clue as to what I was feeling. I couldn’t tell you what I was feeling because I had no idea and so we can talk about processes, you know, like simple techniques to become more emotionally intelligent to increase our EQ and then learn how to communicate them responsibly like owning their our emotions, so that nobody can make us feel any anything, unless there’s some little button there that they’re triggering. But it’s here, right? So we’ve got to own that stuff. And then learning how to communicate them responsibly not not courageously, because it takes courage for sure, responsibly just not having a tantrum like a two year old and in a way that they can be heard that they can be received. And so, so level of mastery, so it’s the opposite of weakness, it’s a level of mastery.

Victoria Volk 25:27
I love that. You said so much that we talk about in Grief Recovery to just you know, the implode or explode, that’s we either implode or we explode. We either suffer from disease and illness and you know, all these symptoms, these physical symptoms, or we explode and have these dherbs Right, these behaviors and angers in anger can be a sturb I was very angry as a child and I grew up. I was very angry as an adult too. And if solidly I yeah, I would argue that at the root of grief and sadness and, and fear and anxiety is grief, like all of those emotions. It just is the embodiment of grief. And I always say to like grief was our pandemic long before COVID-19, long before your teenage years. And growing up, that was just the start of your experience with grief. But there’s more to your story. And I would like to get there. So you had shared in your information with me that your brother, you had lost your brother when he was 26? you mind sharing that story with us?

Christian de la Huerta 26:31
Yeah, of course. And I want to say to that there’s that it’s important for us to realize that there is there is an end to suffering. Right? Like there is an end to that. Not so much for sadness, like there’s always going to be stuff in life, that’s going to be sad, that’s going to evoke those emotions in US people are gonna come people are gonna go crazy traumatic stuff, crisis level stuff is going to happen in the world, as we’re witnessing right now. And global pandemic wars, the things that humans do to other humans, it’s just like boggle the mind. So what once we get to the level where we can feel our emotions, we are no longer running away from them, or numbing them out or stuffing them? Well, we can just let them course through us, then we can get to that place of freedom, where we just allow those energies to course through us and we don’t get stuck in and and so yes, you know that what happened with my brother and my nephew? Later, it’s just stuff that shouldn’t happen. You know, my brother was 26. And he drowned in a kind of freaky boat accident, riverboat accident and attempts in London. And I can’t even imagine, of course, we’re all impacted. But I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like for a parent to lose a child. I don’t have any kids myself, have many kids in my life. But no, none that are mine, so to speak, because and then I witnessed that again with my sister, my nephew was also around 2627. He was 27 incredible. I mean, both of them really creative and smart. My my nephew shown because he had these amazing leadership qualities. He his passion was being a DMT. He was a firefighter DMT gave up a scholarship to Harvard because of his grades, because that was what he really wanted to do. And at 27, he, his wife was seven months pregnant with their first child, which they never met. He got this really aggressive form of brain cancer. And within weeks, like four or five weeks, it was gone to everybody’s Chuck. And again, like how do what does one do with that, of course, it’s sad, of course, takes the parents years degree that stuff, some of that lingering grief doesn’t ever really leave you we heal it for sure. But there are layers of the sadness and the missing somebody like that. And I guess I guess what I’m saying is that the more work that I did on myself, the more that I was able to get to that place of feeling these incredibly sad emotions and not be stuck with them. Either we can we can weave it into the fabric of our lives and realize that one thing we know for sure, is that life is going to continue throwing curveballs our way, whether it’s a global pandemic or a 26 year old getting brain cancer or an an unexpected drowning like there is not one thing that any of us can do about that. So we can that can help us add you know the to the feeling of grievous grief and sadness, it can add a layer of feeling helpless, and even some people feel victimized by life. Like I got such a horrible deck of cards this lifetime. And if only this hadn’t happened or that had happened if I had only been born in a different place a different time, a different culture. You finally You know, the system was set up differently. As long as we’re doing that, if only and feeling victimized by life, we’re giving our power away. And sometimes even to the perpetrators, as you know, as long as we’re holding them responsible for our emotions for our state of being. And it’s not to minimize any of that, or to excuse anything. If we want to be free, we’ve got to get to that place of healing and acceptance. And one thing that helps to reframe that is knowing that no matter what happens going forward, no matter what new curveballs come our way, no matter what happened in the past, we always, always get to choose how we show up in response and that element of choice, just remembering that and knowing that it’s liberating, and it’s empowering.

Victoria Volk 30:49
And I just had a thought to it when you are someone who isn’t there yet, in their heart and their mind, because forgiveness, too, can be very, very difficult for people. Again, like you said, it always comes down to choice you can you can have grief in the back seat, you can, because it’s going to follow you, right? You take you everywhere you go. But you have a choice, if you’re going to continue to look in the rearview mirror at it. That’s where you can look forward to but what if what if you’re stuck looking at the rearview mirror, I think that’s where finding support in someone who is a little further along than you, who maybe is an example of of where you’d like to be in your life. So when you were going through these losses, had you already been at this place in your life with the breath work and on your spiritual journey and things like that, like had you because we never fully arrived? Right? But had you already started.

Christian de la Huerta 31:46
In this in the case of my brother’s death, it was synchronous, it’s right around that time, is when I did breathwork for the first time and were in when I started to, to reclaim my spirituality, right, because like many people and like you were referring to, I threw the baby out with a baptismal water, I didn’t know that there was a difference between religion and spirituality. And I didn’t know that spirituality is just an inherent part of who we are. That is just as ludicrous for you to for me to have tried to repress and reject and run away from my sexuality, as it was to ignore it and repress it in in with my spirituality. It’s just part of who we are as humans. So yeah, I did have much better tools in those situations. And I want to go back to something I want to highlight something you just said, which I think is really important, because we just hit on the two biggest hurdles on the on the on the journey to freedom and personal empowerment. One is that victimization, you know, poor me, woe is me relationship to life. The other one that you mentioned is forgiveness. Because we know we’ve heard this, we’ve heard that forgiveness is really for us. But how do we forgive? You know, the what feels unforgivable? How do we do that, because if we think about it, as long as we’re holding someone, right, looking in that rearview mirror, where we’re holding somebody over the fire for what they did, or failed to do, our hand is also getting burned or hand is in the fire. So, so it helps us to understand the necessity for forgiveness. Another way to convey that visual, if you think of the heart center, not the organ or the chakra, the energy center, it opens and closes in the same way that like the shutter of a camera, or the iris of the eye. If I shut my heart to my sexual abuser, or to my father who left or to mom who did who was emotionally abusive, or to the teacher, or the minister, or society, or sexism or misogyny or racism, or homophobia, I can’t close it selectively just to that, or to the boss who fired me or the ex who cheated on me, right? We I can’t close it just to them. If I close it, I close it. So it’s not even about them. Because in closing it we’re giving our power away again. So this is between me and my heart. This is a bit in my heart and love between my heart and life. And so how do we do that? How do we even begin to forgive the unforgivable and this is something that I picked up along the way from a teacher that begins to open the door to the possibility of forgiveness. And it’s forgive two syllables, flip them around, give for what we do, when we forgive, we’re giving others and ourselves which is often even more difficult to do. We’re giving them the space to be human, to make mistakes, to fall short of the mark to to make a royal mess of things like to really if things up.

Christian de la Huerta 34:50
And it’s it getting off the self righteous stance of the ego. Like we don’t have time to dive into what the ego construct is here. But it’s really important To understand what the ego is, I spent the first quarter of the book, maybe even the third talking about the ego mind, and and how it keeps us in a self made prison of fear and lack and limitation and self doubt, and reactivity and the victim and defended victim mindset and defensiveness. So really, really important. If we want to be free, if we want to step into our power, if we want to have relationships that have a chance of working, that we understand that how the ego is and how it works, so that we can get ourselves out of it out of its self made prison because nobody else can. So the ego one of the aspects of it is it’s very self righteous, again, knows, it went to law school and appoints itself a judge, jury prosecutor, it knows exactly what the other person did that was wrong, what the punishment should be and delivers the punishment. So forgiving means getting off, like stepping off that self righteous stance, I know I’m right, I would never do anything like right, because that closes the heart. And again, a highlight it again, it’s not about making it okay about denying what happened about rationalizing. It is not about any of that. It’s not about minimizing, or making Okay, whatever they did or didn’t do, but it’s not about them. This is about us, and how do we free ourselves from that. And so when we forgive we make we give the other and ourselves the room to make all those mistakes, to to forgive to get off that self righteous stance, and say maybe right, all it takes is that question mark MIDI, I can’t see it, I cannot even begin to imagine that I would ever do that. But maybe if they had been raised in their situation with their parents, their culture, their time, in whatever way their parents raised them and their parents before them, raise them. Who knows what was going on in their brain cut biochemistry? Who know what, who knows what happened in their own past? Who know what traumas they had, because we know trauma is the gift that keeps on giving, especially in sexual abuse and that kind of stuff. And right and again, not minimizing it not making it okay. We don’t have to hang out with them. We don’t have to be friends with them. We don’t have to ever see them again. But that question marks like maybe, maybe I might have done that. I might have I might have done that. And here’s like an extreme way to be able to do that a terrorist like it’s really hard for us to otherwise them we because we can’t imagine like anybody listening to this for sure. Watching this cannot have Woods is not about to wrap their bodies in explosives of walk into a crowded mall and detonate ourselves. So it’s really difficult for us to understand that standard is easy to say I would never do that. And have we ever terrorized others emotionally? Have we ever terrorized ourselves emotionally and that I know every single one of us has done. So we have an inner terrorist inside me that inside of each one of us, the details are different. But we have that potential. So it’s again not to make it okay not to minimize it. It just begins to soften that harsh separation of I wouldn’t ever do that, because that’s what makes forgiveness difficult. Like when we soften that then it begins to to free ourselves from carrying that weight and being stuck in the past.

Victoria Volk 38:19
I can bring a visual to this that can lighten things up. Because when you were talking about emotions, and how like what came up for me is like yeah, we’re just all walking around a little bit emotionally constipated some more than others. Right? And I when you were saying how we terrorized others emotionally. It’s like if we think of that emotional constipation, right? It’s gotta go somewhere. So either it’s gonna, we’re just gonna have, we’re gonna let it come out of us, or we’re going to just throw it at people, right?

Christian de la Huerta 38:50
Yes. You know, it’s so funny because I called breathwork. Virtual Drano. Oh, cool. Yeah, emotional and spiritual drain, and we get rid of all that crap that we’ve been carrying inside of us. Quickly, and it works fast. Well, that’s so profoundly at so many levels. It’s just a really amazing and for lack of another word, miraculous.

Victoria Volk 39:12
That’s a great segue. So I do want to talk about that. What is I had a personal experience, a friend of mine, she does Kundalini yoga, and she’s in a training right now to become a practitioner in that. But she does breath work. She does breath work practice every day, and she walked me through this breathwork practice was about 30 minutes, but I tell you what, I learned the power of our breath. In that one session that blew my mind. I felt I’m a Reiki Master, but I had my hands were vibrating to the extent of nothing a comparison like my hands are starting to tingle just thinking about it. I felt so alive. Like the Most alive that I had felt in a long time after experiencing that it was so powerful for me, can you give our listeners something that they can do today, if they are in a moment of panic, fight flight or freeze, grief, whatever they’re experiencing right now can you share some a technique with them.

Christian de la Huerta 40:20
Of course, and you know, breathwork is a, it’s a really broad umbrella, there’s a lot of breathing practices, a lot of breathing techniques, yoga, practice yogic practices, pranayama, it’s called in that yoga tradition, you know, whether it’s Kundalini yoga, or any other kind of yoga. And so the breath is at the core of all those practices, and at the core of every meditation practice at the core of every spiritual tradition. And so the particular breathwork that I do, it’s longer, it’s about an hour, an hour and a half, there’s different modalities, it’s you. So you can use breathing techniques. for different purposes. If you’re if you’re stressed out, if you’re stuck in traffic, if you’re, like, stressed out or nervous about right before a difficult conversation, or an important meeting, you can do take slow, deep breaths, to calm yourself down and the body has to slow down. Like there’s Swamis in India have that much control over their body, they can tell their hearts to slow down. And they do you know, they can, some of them can mimic states that are really, really hard to distinguish from death, they can slow down the body that much, most of us are not gonna be able to aren’t there. And I’m probably not going to learn how to do that kind of stuff. But anybody can slow down the breath, anyone can slow down the breath. When we do that, the heart has no choice, the heart has to slow down. And and when the heart slows down, the nervous system begins to quiet down, the body begins to relax. Right? So it’s, it’s slowly and under breath. It’s like it’s your best friend, your most effective practice. There are also breathing techniques that you can use, like in place or the afternoon slump, you know, a cup of coffee, you know, there’s the faster, more energizing more focusing practices, the type of breathwork that I do, it’s a different model, it’s more of a, to me, it’s part of my psycho spiritual therapy, you know, approach to healing. I was on a trip my father was a psychiatrist. As I said, my my degrees in psychology, I was on a track to get a PhD. When I discovered breathwork, this modality that I that I practice, I jumped tracks, I never went for the PhD because it works so fast and heal so profoundly at so many levels, including, by the way, I don’t know anything more effective that healing past traumas, including sexual abuse, including, you know, just violent stuff that people have have experienced, that I’ve worked with over the years, and it gets healed. And so not only that, which will be hard enough to believe, but it heals spiritually, mentally, even physically. And yes, you know, even like more than 30 years saying this or talking about this, I know to my mind, it still sounds hard to believe, to my logical, more scientific, more skeptical mind. But I can’t argue with the result. It works with permanent effects. And you know, they haven’t studied it yet. They’re starting to do more research now about what’s happening in the body scientifically. But even that, it doesn’t explain it to me, like, like the stuff that happens. Because you can also have incredibly ecstatic moments like moments of oneness, moments of feeling connectedness to to everyone and everything to all of creation. And so just from breathing, but here’s what ultimately helps me understand that the way that I can understand if you look at any religion, any culture, some even languages, in many of them the same word, one word, can mean breath, or spirit, depending on the context. So for example, from Numa, from that Greek word Numa, from which we get pneumonia, that word meant or it meant soul, and lung, from the Latin root speed at A, we get both respiration and inspiration or exploration. So that breath spirit connection is is available, like I said, most spiritual traditions and even several sets of regular languages. And that’s what ultimately helps me understand that is when we breathe in this conscious, intentional way, that the effects of which are undeniable like you felt your body was you will beginning to notice your body more as vibration. So you popped out of that limited perspective of separateness as like I’m just over here, this is this description as Victoria which is what the ego is that artificials you know, sense of of separate separateness, and you began to experience yourself beyond the confines of your body as a physical thing, and that that’s what that vibration was, and that we can access Not only profound healing, but ecstatic states, which by the word, that’s what the word ecstasy means means out of ourselves. And that’s what that breathing practices and breathing practices help us to do. So that we can pop behind the illusion of separation of the ego, and reconnect with our, no our ultimate nature.

Victoria Volk 45:20
There was a conversation one time about psychedelics, and she’s like, you don’t need to take a psychedelic to have that experience, you can find that through your breath. And I totally, totally agree. I actually had written down just before you said it, I wrote the soul is in the gut and grief is in the lungs. So isn’t that just really ironic in a way that the breath connects us to? Both right is part of both, essentially. So I’m curious. Is it was it just breathwork? Because, you know, I’ve dabbled in different healing modalities. I’m currently actually learning biofield tuning, which addresses the energy field that’s around us the stuck energy that’s outside of us, you know that, because our bodies are a mirror of what’s out here, stuck in this energy field, and that extends five to six feet beyond us. So was it just breathwork? Or have? Were you kind of dabbling in a lot of different things? And breathwork? Is what stuck? Or was it always breathwork. And that’s just kind of been your thing?

Christian de la Huerta 46:28
I think the combination I mean, there’s so many tools to help us heal and help free. The ones that I include in every single retreat for over 30 years. No matter whether the retreat is on conscious relationships, and having relationships that can actually work, whether it’s stepping into our personal power, and reconciling the conflicted, ambivalent relationship we have to power? And how do we step into power in a way that’s not about hierarchy and control, and fear and force and domination? How do we do it in a way that’s a match for who we are? Whether it’s about life purpose, and what are we really, really doing here? And how do we stop selling out for that illusion of security of a biweekly paycheck, because we sell ourselves so cheaply for that illusion, as many have had to discover the hard way during this pandemic, but no matter what the theme of the retreat the to constant, or the breath work, because I’ve yet to come across any tool that heals as quickly and as profoundly. And in many ways, the other one is understanding that you go, because it’s to me, there’s that’s step one, understanding the mind and why we do the things we do and our patterns, why do we get triggered what? Well, the same behavior would have could have a completely different response in you. And yet, it’s got me just out of control and got my goat. So why is that? Understanding our patterns? Like, why do we do the things we do? Why do we attract certain people into our lives? Why do we have certain what are we recreate patterns and situations? What? Why do we keep creating patterns of relationships that sometimes feel like it’s the same boring movie, different actor different co lead, but the same crap? Same argument, same patterns? Why is that? Right? So it’s so again, a lot easier to go through life numbing out and running away from these questions. But then we get stuck in a there’s no way to this, we’re just going to recreate and recreating, and keep creating the same stuff. What we’re talking about is like having the courage to face our grief, to face our memories to do whatever it is that we need to do to heal ourselves and declare ourselves that is nothing less than heroic. That’s why there’s no book awakening this whole power is the first of a series of three, which is the tide the series is titled Calling All Heroes, what does it mean to live heroically in the 21st century? And so yes, you know, I honor you for the work that you’ve done to not only heal your past trauma, but to now use that to make a difference in other people’s lives. And I honor anybody who has stuck with this conversation thus far. It’s, you know, this stuff is not easy. It’s not for the faint of heart. This is And speaking of heart, you know, that’s courage comes from that root, the same root core which a Latin means heart, courage, courage, and in French, the big heart, take this word takes big heart, big courage. Nothing short of heroic. incredibly rewarding, like freedom, empowerment.

Victoria Volk 49:40
Empowerment. Yes. That’s huge. Yes, absolutely.

Christian de la Huerta 49:44
Like you were telling me when we were connecting right before we started recording like this podcast is like, the best thing you ever did. Like wow, and you using your own? Like that’s what he lives there, right. We use our own stuff to bring healing to others for On lived experience, not just stuff that we read in a book, and we all have access to that.

Victoria Volk 50:05
You actually mentioned that your mother’s presence is diminishing slowly is is that did you? Do you mean cognitively? Yes. Okay. And I asked that because a friend of mine mentioned this, you can have cancer and you can have disease and things like that, which is really difficult for the person going through it. Right? They have to reconcile their life right when you’re faced with this is what’s happening to me, whether it’s, you know, MS, or muscular dystrophy, or, or any kind of debilitating progressive disease, cancer, anything like that. It’s really difficult on the person experiencing, and of course, the family and people watching it happen. But when it’s someone that’s going through a cognitive decline, they aren’t necessarily aware of it. And so that’s really more impactful on the family and the loved ones. And that struck me because I hadn’t really thought about that. But what do you say? How is that different? for loved ones? In your, in your experience? You’ve had both experiences, right? You’re your nephew, and now your mother.

Christian de la Huerta 51:12
Yeah I think this one’s even more difficult. Because what I’ve realized is that I’ve been preparing I’ve been preparing for the for the inevitable, which is my mother’s passing for years, she’s not in good health, physical, like she, you know, nine kids is take a toll on my body, She’s diabetic, she’s overweight, from that generation that never took care of her bodies of her body. And, and that dealt with everything. Like from the perspective of Western medicine, my dad being addicted to it just medicated it, rather than addressing the symptom, I mean, the addressing the symptom rather than addressing the source. And so I never thought for a moment that my mom, my mom’s body would outlive her mind. And so I didn’t see that coming. That one I was not prepared for it. caught me off guard. And, and it’s, it’s, it’s difficult to experience not only to see her and this beautiful, vibrant, brilliant, loving woman to be like a shell of who she was, to be caught in, in fear, which, which it’s heartbreaking. And there’s nothing, nothing that as a family we can do except no lover and create, you know, like, try to improve the quality of our life as best we can. And, and be one thing to connect to everything else. We’ve been talking about the importance of doing the heroic work of, of self discovery and, and healing ourselves. What I’m beginning to see is that is her undone work. Like sometimes when she goes into these places of fear that, you know, she’s living or reliving something that we can’t see. And beginning to feel that as she’s recreating, like, there’s this one kind of actor that keeps coming back into her her her moment. And it’s, it’s beginning to realize it’s a young woman, like a teenage girl, and my mom calls her all sorts of names, like stuff that she would never say in real life. Like now it’s like, unleashed. And so what I’ve what I’m beginning to put together is that when she was in high school, there was a moment where they were put into they were taken to boarding school and Cuba, my aunt and my sister and her aunt Amy. And her sister, my aunt, and I think she had to, you know, just piecing together stories, there was a there was a group of girls, you know, I mean, girls that were kind of bullies and they were rich, the rich girls in the school. And I think because she never really worked with with her feeling, I’m projecting I’m making it up in my own mind that a feeling rejected or feeling unloved because she was put away were taken away to a boarding school and then having to deal with this bullying, that she never really worked through that and so now when the filters are off, it’s coming back up. And so important for us than to do this kind of work whether we’re using traditional therapy whether we’re using breathwork you know, it’s really important to do or your your energy work, whatever whatever it is that were guided to do. To to have that courage to to clear to face and clear or inner demons.

Victoria Volk 54:23
I just got chills as I heard you talking about that, because it’s like the same. It’s almost like reliving a nightmare over and over and over that you can’t just push stop on.

Christian de la Huerta 54:34
I know it’s it to me, that’s hell, she’s still going to Hell yeah, weaving it back to the religion and it’s, you know, that it gets tragic to me, that in her end, the end of her life, that the religion to which she devoted her entire life is not a source of love and support and support and inner peace, that because of the teachings about hell, which, you know, I personally don’t believe like there’s a physical place that you go to When you die, I don’t believe in a punitive micromanaging didi. But don’t take away my mother effer to, to fear that she might go to hell, like why? It’s nothing that she could have ever done. And it to me, I found that tragic that that fear was put into her head, which to me is not even real.

Victoria Volk 55:19
I had a medium expressed to me once, it was a teenager experience, spirit that had come through and she just her experience was that what she’s learned through her work was that it’s even someone who’s done not great things are good things, you know, good deeds, who have maybe done some bad things, right? It’s, they’re going through school. They’re just they’re going through school, and they’re having to learn these lessons. And they’re kind of in school until they can graduate, I suppose in a way to, to be with the good spirits. I don’t know how to explain that, you know, but that’s kind of how she said it. How, you know, because the mother was so worried that he because he died by suicide, she was so worried that he was in hell. And that brought so much peace to her. But you know, how the Son explained, he’s like, No, I’m in school. I’m having to learn these lessons that I never was open to learning on the physical plane. Yeah, I just thought that was beautiful.

Christian de la Huerta 56:23
I think it is beautiful, and very, very liberating. And to me, you know, from my current perspective, heaven, and hell are not places that we go to after we that I think their states of being heaven, and hell can be right here right now. It’s not your truth. Yeah. And, and it’s a state of mind. And I think that even if we’re going to, you know, stick with a Christian frame of belief, philosophy, mythology, whatever you want to call it, teachings, Jesus said, You know, these greater things you will do. And so, that comes from that state of mind, which he had access to, and to which he never claimed exclusivity. He never had never really did.

Victoria Volk 57:08
And I think there’s just so much we don’t know, that we’ll never know. And even when it comes to healing to the forgiveness piece that we talked about earlier, and, you know, trauma and stuff, it’s, or we feel like we were a victim in our own stories, we just we don’t know what we don’t know. Yeah, if I want to learn this method of breathwork, especially as a Griever, where do I go to learn that.

Christian de la Huerta 57:31
I mean, if anybody’s interested, they can email me, or, you know, just go to my website, soulfulpower.com. And I can either try to help them find somebody local, where they can do it, there’s some people that do it virtually now, I do it virtually very selectively, because it’s really powerful, that the modality that I teach is very powerful. And you never know what’s underneath the surface of somebody’s psyche, what’s going to what’s going to come up. And as you know, so many of us have memories that we suppressed. So like in person in live, I have no hesitation, like, I know that I can handle anything that comes up. And I’ve had some really traumatic stuff come up for people virtually, not so much, right? There’s because there’s my what I’m able to do to support intervene, to, to hold space for them is limited by and all they have to do is click, and then there’s nothing I can do to help. So I do it only with people that you know who have come to my retreats, people I know, people that that are part of my year long coaching program, and that I don’t even start with breathwork that’s only like halfway through once I get a sense of who’s in the group and what kind of stuff they’re dealing with. Or if it’s somebody maybe who has a support system. So sometimes therapists refer people to maybe therapists, you know, where they’ve been with a client for some time, and they’re plateaued, they’re stuck, they’re stagnant. Even one breathwork session can can change your life it did for me, my first session, I knew that I’d never be the same. And I wasn’t. And I knew that I had to do it again, I didn’t care where I had to go what it cost, and I knew that I had to make it available to others. It was just the most amazing thing that I’ve ever experienced. And by the way, you mentioned psychedelics in a different, like branch of breathwork, which is called Holotropic. To more, it’s longer you do for like three, four hours, kind of very similar technique, but longer. And there are other differences, but the founder of that modality. Stan Grof, was a psychiatrist from the Czech Republic. When he was over there, he was researching LSD. And what he realized, you know, once he came to the States, he couldn’t, you know, continue that research. But somewhere along the way, he discovered because when once people attain certain levels of pain, through the chemical substances are the sacred plant medicines that so many people are working with these days. The breath that kind of breathing pattern sometimes gets triggered automatically. spontaneously. And so he realized, by just using the breath, you can access the same levels of non ordinary beings or states of being. So yeah, and I hear that constantly from people who come to breathe with me, it’s like, yeah, I got to the same place that I did with on an Ayahuasca journey or, or whatever, mushrooms, whatever they were doing, it got to that same place, that same ability to perceive myself from from a different perspectives. And that sense of oneness of connecting with all of it. Because here’s a great metaphor for that for the ego goes back to the ego, right? If, if you think of the ego as a baseball, it’s a part of who we are, that’s a very limited experience of who we are. It’s like a tiny, tiny, tiny part of who we are. Yet we think it’s all who we are. And we make really important consequential choices in our lives from its very limited small and always fear based perspective, once who we are. So imagine the ego in a center of a stadium, that’s the the baseball in the center of a stadium, that’s the ego, who we are, is actually the stadium. And we’ve allowed this tiny, tiny part of us to think and then to make choices from its from its small perspective. So part of what happens in breathwork. And with sacred plant medicine work is, you know, we experience ourselves, we pop out of the, the false limitation of the ego, that false sense of separation. And we reconnect with our essence with our interconnectedness with everything with all of it.

Victoria Volk 1:01:32
Is just hanging on your every word there.

Christian de la Huerta 1:01:34
And it’s accessible to all of us like it’s our breath, it’s just in the beginning, we and you can be taught how to do it yourself in the beginning, that’s the first 510 sessions, it’s important to do it, somebody who knows what they’re doing somebody who has been trained that can hold space, and so that the ego can feel safe enough to release a lot of stuff that’s been suppressing and allow it to come up to consciousness and call you and by the way, the psychologist said that the process of enlightenment is making the unconscious conscious, and breathwork is really speeds up that process.

Victoria Volk 1:02:07
Love it, love this conversation. And we could go so many other directions, too. I want to be respectful of your time. But is there is there anything else that you would like to share that you didn’t get a chance to address?

Christian de la Huerta 1:02:21
Well, I just give a brief overview about the book on empowerment, because as I started to say, most of us have an ambivalent conflict, the relationship to power, we part of us wants it part of us is afraid of it. And I think what we fear the more that I work with people around this issue, what we fear is that if we really stepped into our power, if we really stepped into all of who we are, that other people wouldn’t be able to handle it and that we might end up rejected that alone, and who wants that? We also fear that we might abuse it. And no wonder like how many abuses of power have you on I experience and have all of us experience? Like all we got to do is turn on the news any day, any given day to witness at least one abuse of power. So and then on top of that we’ve been in court, it’s been ingrained in us that power is bad, that power is negative, you know, with quotes, like power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Who wants to be corrupted. But what they didn’t tell us is that Lord Acton who said those words, were speaking specifically about political power, not personal power. And so, add to that mix, what we were talking about the emotions, we’ve turned the emotions into weakness, you know, we hate conflict, we avoid confrontation. And so what happens when you put all that together, we we end up giving our power away our power that nobody can give to us, nobody can take away. We are the only ones who can give it away. And the sad part, the tragic part is that we give it away for the lamest of reasons. Like we say yes, when inside we really feel no inside, it’s really not okay with us. But in order to maintain that illusion of peace do not rock the boat too much. We override our desires or preferences or dreams. And we say yes, when inside we feel no we stuffed ourselves into tiny little packages that the you know that not gonna rock anybody’s boat. So we limit ourselves we play small for an illusion of security for a false sense of acceptance. And for crumbs, we settle for morsels of pseudo love. So it’s not a good strategy. It’s a really good strategy in life. And so what the this book walks the reader through in a very doable way I know how crazy busy and overscheduled everybody is. So designed the book and with very readable, doable short chapters with power practices. Do you have to rush through the book one chapter a week Do the practices because those practices are designed to integrate and apply the teachings to our lives. So they don’t stay at the level of information, we don’t need more information. We’ve got information overload, what we need is transformation. And that only comes from taking on the stuff and really living it. And so so the, if they will do that, it’ll begin to transform the relationship to power and began to discover ways that we can step into and express our power. And we’re in the in the wet in the world in a way that’s not about fear, hierarchy, force, control, domination, that kind of power that that requires that we step on, somebody push them down. In order for us to feel powerful. There’s a different way to do this.

Victoria Volk 1:05:48
I recently, there’s so much so many synchronicities. And what you say is because just the other day, I shared a quote on my social media about it was in a podcasting email of all things, and it just it hit me it’s, it’s stuck out. So I created a quote, for knowledge isn’t power. It’s the application of knowledge. That gives you power. Exactly. Right. So it’s the application of the knowledge. And that’s just what came to my mind as I was hearing you sharing that? Yeah, that’s a great quote, for sure. So where can people reach you, I know you have your website, just share all the things.

Christian de la Huerta 1:06:25
Yeah, I think the best way to reach me, well, the book is available anywhere where books are sold, you can get it at your local bookstore, you can order it there, if you want to support them. You can also get it on Amazon. In terms of reaching me probably the best way is my my website soulfulpower.com, and by any for anybody who of your audience who signs up goes to soulfulpower.com, and get to my email list. And we all know how easy it is to click unsubscribe down the road if it doesn’t work for you. And I’m not going to take it personally. That’s one of the benefits of doing this kind of self love and self acceptance work is like you don’t take stuff personally anymore. And so anybody who signs up for my email list will send them a sample chapter from the book, and it’s one that talks about what it means to live heroically. In the 21st century, we’ll share some of the power practices we were talking about, and a guided meditation. And it’s on trust that I created last year, with a year before in the midst of the pandemic. And so how do we find a place of inner peace and trust? How do we become that eye of the storm? In a world in a time of chaos and fear and uncertainty? How do we move into trust?

Victoria Volk 1:07:42
It’s a big word. Trust, right?

Christian de la Huerta 1:07:44
It’s a big word.

Victoria Volk 1:07:46
Thank you so much for this conversation today. I could talk even longer about energy and all of that more about the ego. Maybe around two,

Christian de la Huerta 1:07:56
Maybe around two. Yeah, it’s clear that you and I would not run out of stuff to talk about.

Victoria Volk 1:08:01
Never. No, I don’t think so either. Maybe after I get a chance to read your book. Okay, well, thank you so much for being here today.

Christian de la Huerta 1:08:11
Thank you. Thank you so much for having me on the show and for having the show.

Victoria Volk 1:08:15
And remember, when you unleash your heart you unleash your life. Much love.

Ep 120 | Scott Deluzio

Scott Deluzio | Seeing Red: A Gold Star Brother & Brothers in Arms

 

 

SHOW NOTES SUMMARY: 

Less than 1% of Americans serve in the U.S. military. That leaves 99% of Americans who will never understand the cost of serving their country, particularly during wartime.

Scott shares his path to emotional freedom from the scars of war after deploying to Afghanistan with his brother, Steven. Rather than Scott celebrating homecoming with his brother, he accompanied Steven, killed in action, in a casket draped with the American flag.

Although Scott was scheduled to return to Afghanistan two short weeks after his brother’s funeral, the mayor of Connecticut declared that he would not return to duty with his National Guard unit in Afghanistan because the family should have to endure the potential of another loss.

But there is so much more to Scott’s story. Because coming home after being in a war, doesn’t necessarily feel like you’re home. Scott put his grief to the side and picked up anger, and over the years, his grief ate away the core of his very being. He became someone he didn’t recognize. His drinking got out of control, along with his anger, and he realized he could no longer go it alone and sought support.

Like many grievers and veterans, Scott thought he was doing okay after a couple of years of therapy and stopped going. However, a life-threatening event with his spouse would occur, and he would later find his old patterns resurfacing. He sought support again and learned that growth and healing are ongoing processes.

Whether you’ve served in the military, know or love someone who is serving or has served, or not, please listen to Scott’s story. It may help bring a deeper understanding of the scars and costs of war – and America’s 1%.

RESOURCES:

CONNECT:

The real divide in the U.S. is that only one percent of us fight in war, and the rest don’t understand the true cost of conflict. – an op-ed piece by “60 Minutes” producer Henry Schuster, Operation Proper Exit
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If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.

Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.

CONNECT WITH VICTORIA: 

 

Victoria Volk 0:00
Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. Today, my guest is Scott deluzy. Oh, he is an Army veteran having served six years with the Army National Guard, including a deployment to Afghanistan in 2010. Scott’s brother Steven was also deployed to Afghanistan also in 2010. Unfortunately, Steven was killed in action on August 22 2010. After returning home, Scott struggled with coping with the stresses of combat the loss of his younger brother and adjusting back to civilian life. Thank you so much for being here, Scott.

Scott Deluzio 0:34
Thanks for having me. I’m really glad to be able to come on and share my story with you and your audience.

Victoria Volk 0:39
And it is a story that hasn’t been expressed on the podcast. I know I was on your podcast Dr. On a little while, a while back and not sure when that episode will go live for sure. I don’t remember anymore. But at the time of this recording, it doesn’t matter. But we have that in common where we both deployed, I was deployed in Iraq, but I have not had this type of loss represented on the podcast. So thank you for being open to sharing your story. We have a lot of acronyms, right in the military. It’s all acronyms. And one acronym that we also have in Grief Recovery is our stirpes. And it means short-term energy relieving behaviors. And you mentioned a STERB in your information that you shared with me and yours. It sounds like was alcohol, is that correct?

Scott Deluzio 1:32
Yeah, that’s, that’s correct. When I got back from Afghanistan, I was home with with my family and I couldn’t sleep to for anything I sleep was just eluding me, it was night after night, where I would just be laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, not able to fall asleep. And the pain of losing my brother was significant. And I found myself drinking more and more and more, you know, it started off just normal, like casual drinking, having a glass of wine with dinner or something like that. But then it became more and more after, you know, after dinner going going in later into the night. And I found that I was helping myself to fall asleep by basically drinking until I passed out. So it wasn’t really sleep, it was really just making myself pass out. Which obviously has the issue of you know, the next morning, I was hungover, I wasn’t the the friendliest, nicest person to be around. And, you know, I would, I would kind of get through the day just by drinking more and more coffee throughout the day just to keep myself going, you know, energy drinks, things like that. But then that that’s sort of affecting my sleep too, as I was drinking it later. And later in the day, it just became this vicious cycle. And, you know, I would use, like sleeping pills trying to help myself get to sleep and, you know, combining that with the alcohol that doesn’t isn’t exactly the healthiest option, either. And, you know, it was just, it was just one of those things where I was looking for that, that relief that basically numbing the pain getting getting rid of that, not not addressing it not facing it head on and dealing with it in a healthy way. And and that was that was causing a lot of problems caused problems with my physical health, my mental health, my relationships, my my job, I was going into work basically hung over, you know, on a regular basis, and it wasn’t exactly what you want to do. And when you’re, you’re working in a professional kind of corporate job, it’s not what you really want to do, you’re kind of looked at a little bit differently when you’re, you’re walking in still still kind of shaking off the cobwebs and everything. So, you know, it was it was just really hard for me to be able to deal with the stuff that I was going through. And it was it was hard. It was hard for me to get through all of that.

Victoria Volk 4:09
How old were your kids at the time.

Scott Deluzio 4:12
So I had a before I deployed my my first son was born. So he was nine or 10 months old at the time so young enough that he doesn’t remember this part of of life. I now have two other kids who fortunately, were not around during that time period either. And so, you know, they don’t they don’t remember that obviously either. So, you know, but I also wasn’t the best at either, you know, I would have and this was like when he when I got home he was about nine or 10 months but this obviously went on for a little while afterwards too. So you know he was a toddler he’s getting into trouble like all little kids do right and I would just have a short temper with Just about everything. And when he would do things that normal kids do, they spill their food off the their highchair, or they, you know, make a mess in the living room or whatever it is, you know that he was doing it, I just would would flip out and I’d started screaming and yelling, and, and it was that was just not who I was. That’s not the type of person who I was before I deployed. I was a pretty easygoing type of person I didn’t get I wasn’t too high strung, I didn’t get upset over little things like that. You know, sure. There’s, there’s inconveniences, but you just deal with them as you go along in life, right. And, but I was finding it harder and harder to deal with even these small, little inconveniences. And so I found myself just getting angry and frustrated, upset at all these little tiny things. And it was just about everything that I was getting mad at. And anything that that was even slightly inconvenient or off or whatever, I just would, I’d be flipping out about it. And, and I realized that’s not the kind of dad I wanted to be. That’s not the type of person I wanted it to be. For my son, for my wife, for the people who are around me that I cared about who cared about me, I didn’t want to be that kind of person, because then then you just end up pushing those people away. And so, so yeah, it was kind of a long answer to that question. You know, how old they were. But, but yeah, that was that was kind of that situation that I was going through?

Victoria Volk 6:34
When did that change for you? And did you notice that? How you are reacting to situations, then your children? Sort of that’s how they responded to to situations? Like did you how were their behavior, things with the kids then being reflected back to you?

Scott Deluzio 6:52
Yeah, that’s exactly what it was. I started noticing my my oldest son, I would, I used to do this thing, when I would get frustrated or angry, where I would grit my teeth. And I started noticing him doing that anytime he would be getting upset at at small little things, you know, things that weren’t going his way, you know, it’s it’s time for a nap. And he didn’t want to go take a nap. And he grit his teeth and he’d get angry. And it was like looking in the mirror. It was a it was an ugly mirror, I didn’t want to look in that mirror, you know, I wanted to I wanted to have a happy, healthy child not not one who was getting angry at these little things the way I was doing. And really, for me, the moment where the light bulb went off and I realized Something is definitely wrong is this time when my my dog that we had at the time, she’s since passed away. But back then she she had gotten sick. I don’t know if she ate something that didn’t agree with her or whatever. And she was walking in our bedroom. And she was right at the edge of our bedroom and in the master bathroom that we had which had nice tile floor and the bedroom which had a nice brand new white carpet. And she started to throw up and she’s standing right at the edge between the bathroom and in the doorway and to the to the bathroom. And she throws up right on the white carpet. And ice flipped out. I started screaming and yelling and everything as if the dog can understand the anyways Right? Like she she didn’t know what I was saying. She knew I was mad. Probably just by the tone of my voice and you know how loud I was and everything like that. But I mean, she’s sick. She’s not feeling well, what good was all of that yelling and screaming going to do anyways? You know, I was I was just mad that she didn’t take two seconds to go walk into the bathroom where it had been so much easier to clean up on a tile floor versus, but the white carpet right now I know I probably have to go rent a steam cleaner and you know, get get that out and everything. But again, in the grand scheme of things, it’s a pretty minor inconvenience, to do things. And like that’s not the kind of person that I am. I love dogs. I am not the type of person who’s going to be you know, getting upset at at a dog for doing something that you know, is natural. She’s feeling sick. So she that’s just what dogs people that’s what anyone is going to do. You know, quite frankly, I I feel like I like like more dogs than than certain people. It’s at times too, right? So I was like, Who is this person? Who am I wouldn’t have I become and my wife and I at that time, we kind of sat down and she said you know I thought you might be able to handle some of the stuff on your own. You know the stuff that you’re going through, but it seems like you’re having some tough time with it. It might be time to reach out and get some help and so So I did. And I kind of realized that at that moment, too, I was like, this isn’t this isn’t me, this isn’t who I want to be, and I can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong and what, what I need to do to change. And so I reached out to the Vet Center, which is kind of affiliated through the VA. I’m not sure exactly how but but no, they are. And they, they offer counseling services. And they, they helped me to get my my anger under control, so that I wasn’t having these outbursts all the time, wasn’t perfect. It’s a slow process. It’s not like you go in, you sit down on a on a couch for one session, and then boom, magically, everything’s rainbows and unicorns, right? It, it’s a process and it takes time. But you have to, I what I realized is that you have to let the process work, you can’t just go in expecting that that Amazon overnight delivery, where you get the results instantaneously, it’s something that you have to work at, and you have to be conscious about what you’re doing and, and how your things are affecting you in your life. And, and that’s what kind of helped me to get away from being so frustrated and angry all the time.

Victoria Volk 11:12
There is a quote, and I’m going to add live because I don’t know exactly how it goes. But something to the effect of I sat with my anger long enough until he told me its name and its name was grief. And I really relate to your story in that in the anger because I would call myself a read I would have called myself a raging mom, you would call yourself a Rayji dad at that point by just so much anger, which really is grief and sadness and all these feelings unexpressed and undealt no not dealt with. But I didn’t connect the dots to a situation I experienced and tell your story when my son was three years old, and I had three children in four years. So I had a three year old I had an 18 month old and I had a boy she’s six months old. Something I mean boom boom boom like I was like a walking zombie angry raging mom right but my son just would not listen He wanted to take his bike out and I couldn’t watch him get my kids in you know I pulled into the garage and I need to get the car seat and the 18 month old or you know I wrote she was I think 18 months at the time. They’re 18 months apart actually the older two are 18 months apart and then the girls are two years but anyway a baby in a car seat then the younger one or the middle one had to get them in the house and he was like just going on and on about needing his bike and wanting to ride his bike and I said I can’t be outside with you right now and I can’t let him just ride around outside all by himself so right i lat I did what I thought I could do in that moment and I locked his bike in the van. Take the girls into the house next thing I know my middle one is coming in Mommy Mommy is Xavier is to is hitting the van with a bat what? And I step out in the garage and no crap he is slugging my van with the bat. So angry that I locked his bike in there that he couldn’t have his bike, broke our window, ended up costing over $2,000 to get that replaced. But I didn’t connect it until your your story of how our anger is just reflected back to us from our kids. If there are behavioral issues with your children, how about you look at your own behavior? Parents listening. Right? And what grief Do you have those on expressed? So thank you for sharing all of that. Because I really feel like that is a very good message for this podcast today.

Scott Deluzio 13:53
Yeah, and there’s there’s another example of this to where it not from my own personal life, but just from some TV shows that I’ve seen where there’s a show that it used to be on I don’t know if it’s still on or not. But it was with this dog trainer is a Cesar Millan the dog whisperer, right. And I remember, he would go into these households where the dog is out of control, and they’re acting all crazy and out of control. And he walked observes how the owners are, are acting in interacting with the dogs, and they’re just as out of control. And so he looks at them and he says, I think I need to train you before I start working on on your dogs because you’re the problem you are the one who is is basically making this dog so crazy. And once when he starts addressing those behavior issues, then the dog starts starts behaving a little bit differently. And maybe there’s still some work that needs to be done with the dog itself but but it’s it’s really reflecting from from the the owners, right? And so, you know, it’s the same idea, I think, Where where are our behaviors and our reactions get reflected to those who are around us.

Victoria Volk 15:14
Back to us, right? It’s like a boomerang, the energy you bring to a room, you’re gonna get it back. Yeah, exactly. So well, let’s rewind the clock before you were raised you Dad to where it all started, because you deployed with your brother.

Scott Deluzio 15:33
So we were, he was in the Vermont Army National Guard, I was in the Connecticut Army National Guard. And both of our units, there was some reorganization that took place before we deployed. And both of our units ended up in the same brigade. And so this deployment was a brigade wide deployment. So we are both deployed, just about the same time, you know, give or take a couple of weeks just with, you know, training and other cycles that we have to go through. Before getting there. I actually got to Afghanistan first, he got there, maybe a week or two later, but we were stationed far enough apart that we never saw each other once when we were there. And as a matter of fact, the only communication really that we had between the two of us was kind of playing that telephone game, when I would call home to our parents, they would they would tell me what was going on with him and vice versa with with him. So when he would call home he’d find out what was going on with me and everything. So. So we really didn’t talk at all, we may have sent an email here and there, but but really not much. And quite frankly, we’re kind of focused on our, our jobs. So we didn’t really have all that much time to take off to go give each other a phone call or you know, find out what’s going on with each other. So, so yeah, so we were we were deployed at the same time, but not together. If that makes sense.

Victoria Volk 16:59
I asked that because I think it’s important that people understand listening to this, that that’s a scenario that played out, often, still does, likely where you have siblings or people who are married, like my husband and I deployed together, not in the same place, but we knew each other was doing right. You knew what he was doing. He knew what you were doing. And yeah, you don’t have that same level of communication as you did calling home. Right? And so it makes it harder, I think, because you know what you’re doing, and you can’t communicate as openly and freely. And so, I mean, was that always in the back of your mind, like this worry, knowing what he was doing too.

Scott Deluzio 17:42
You know, what? It wasn’t really and I think it was like a defensive mechanism that I put up this the shield, telling myself, basically lying to myself saying that he nothing was going to happen to him, nothing bad was going to happen to him that he had previously deployed to Iraq. He was in Ramadi, in 2006, which was a really rough time to be in that area. And I said, if he made it through that, he’s going to be able to make it through this deployment, no problem. You know, I wasn’t even worried about him getting injured, or killed. That wasn’t even a thought on my mind. I didn’t even entertain that thought we were both going to come home. As far as I was concerned, we’re both going to go back to our lives, I was going to come back to my wife and my son and us, he was engaged to be married about a year after we were scheduled to come back home. So he was going to come home, he was going to get married, he was going to start his family start his life and everything with with his his fiance. And I just figured that’s what’s going to happen. And I didn’t give it too much more thought than that. I wasn’t worried that he was gonna get injured or killed or, or anything like that. Because that’s just not what happens. That happens to other people. That doesn’t happen to you that that’s what you read about in the news. That’s not what you experience firsthand in real life, that that’s just stuff that happens to quote unquote, other people, but it’s a it’s real punch of that gut when you become those other people. You know, and it truly was unexpected. As far as I was concerned. I knew what he was doing. I knew it. It was a dangerous job. Just never occurred to me that it would be a job that could ultimately take his life.

Victoria Volk 19:30
So what was that? How did that play out? Like how did you find out?

Scott Deluzio 19:35
You know, both happened to be on missions that day, where we were out in patrolling in these remote villages. His was not that remote. They were able to drive from their base to this village and then dismount and walk into the village. The village I was in we we actually had to fly in on helicopters the night before to this mountaintop, just outside the village and then we we patrol down into the village As soon as the sun came up reason why is because we were working alongside with the Afghan army and they they didn’t have night vision capability. So they weren’t able to walk on that uneven rough terrain in the dark, to go do the mission that we’re planning on doing so. So we had to wait for the first light. So we went through the village, and we’re doing our, our job looking, looking through everything. And at one point, kind of partway through the day, I got a call on the radio, and they said that there was a helicopter coming in, and I needed to take my squad out to go secure a landing zone for it. And so we did, we went over, we found a clearing, kind of at the far end of the village. And we secured that area formed a perimeter around it, there’s some smoke in that area, and the helicopter came down and landed. And when we were just told that there’s some VIPs on the helicopter, we didn’t know who but it was an American general and a couple French soldiers. So we are operating in French controlled territory, they kind of had that that area. But I think they’re just there to kind of check up and see what kind of intelligence we found and what kind of stuff was going on that day. Since I was a highest ranking guy, next to the general, I went to go greet him and show him where everything was in everything, which as a sergeant that was kind of a little nerve wracking, going and interacting with that general. So but he was, he was a nice enough guy. And you know, we were chatting for a little bit. And he gets a call on the radio. And it tells him and I can hear the radio, just by the nature of the microphone that he had. It says that there were two American casualties. Now anyone who’s been in the military knows that we don’t use names on on the radio call signs that at best, but we’ll never we never use names going over the radio. So there are no names spoken. So at that point, I was just like that, you know that that sucks. That’s, that’s terrible. I feel bad for those people for their families. You know, I feel bad for him. But there’s nothing I can really do about that situation right now. So so we continued on, I passed off the general to my my platoon sergeant and, and then I continued on with our mission. It A little while later, I don’t remember exactly how long later it was. But I got a call on the radio from my commanding officer. And again, for anyone who’s familiar with the chain of command in the military, for a sergeant to get a call directly from the commanding officer, either you did something really good or really bad. And, you know, they usually work their way through the chain of command. And I couldn’t think of anything particularly good I did that day. You know, I did my job, but it was nothing spectacular. And I wasn’t getting any medals for what I had done that day. And so my first thought was okay, what, what did I do wrong? What would I screw up, my guys lose some equipment, whatever, you know, and I’m flipping out trying to figure it out. And I couldn’t figure it out. So eventually, I linked up with a commanding officer. And he told me to come over to the side kind of away from everybody else to take my helmet off and and take a knee. And that was another red flag because they never tell you to take your helmet off when you’re outside the wire. Like that’s, that’s like a big no, no, You never do that. And so I was like, Okay, what, what’s going on here, something screwed up. And so when he told me it was that my my brother’s unit was involved in an ambush and that my brother had gotten hit. And so now it’s like the first time it’s It’s dawning on me that he’s not invincible, that something could happen to him. And so, of course, I’m just thinking, he got hit, and you know, maybe he’s wounded. And he’s he’s injured. So I start going into big brother mode thinking, How do I handle the logistics to get to him? How do I how do I get to him to be there for support? Or if he needs blood or an orchid? Or something like that? How do I get to him? And I guess what I didn’t understand was that, that he was killed in action. And so when, when the commanding officer finally told me that he was killed in action, I look anyone else I broke down, I was crying I was I was a mess. Except for I was a mess with with a rifle, you know, fully loaded rifle, all the ammunition that I could possibly need. So it was a little more of a volatile situation than then maybe if I was to find out when I was still at home, you know, and so I didn’t realize that at the time. But they they constantly had people with me, basically to make sure I didn’t do something stupid to either myself or to somebody else. And so there was there’s always at least a couple soldiers around me to just make sure that I was okay. Within about 20 minutes or so of finding out that my brother was killed. Our own unit started taking fire from the village that we had just come out of. And so, at that point,

Scott Deluzio 24:55
I realized I had to I had to do something I couldn’t just sit there feeling sorry for myself. But that grief that I had that I was experiencing in that moment, turned to straight anger. I was so angry at the people of Afghanistan for not being able to handle this, this fight on the road to require people like my brother and the 1000s of others who, who came there and gave their lives for these people. Why couldn’t they fight their own fight? Why did we have to be there? Why do we have to lose good people like my brother, I was so angry, in fact that I had actually this this fleeting thought of me just running back down into this village, and just killing everybody that I saw. And because I was just so angry at, at these people, not even just the the enemy who were fighting it with us, I had this vision of I just want to kill everybody. I was that angry. But I realized, if I was to do something like that, first off, I

Scott Deluzio 26:03
I wouldn’t make it. You know, just one man running down into a firefight like that. This isn’t a Rambo movie, I’m not going to, I’m not going to survive that. So I started thinking about my wife, you know, I don’t want her to become a widow. I don’t want my son to grow up without a father. And God forbid, my parents ended up getting a second knock on the door that day, telling them that that now both of their kids have been killed. I couldn’t do that to them. So I realized that I needed to suck it up, put this anger aside, put this grief aside, and I needed to focus on on my job. I had about 10 soldiers or so that I was responsible for that day. And if something happened to me, or if I wasn’t doing my job, I’d have my head on straight. something bad could happen to them. And then how do I explain that to their families? How do I tell them that, hey, your loved one is no longer here? Because I couldn’t keep my stuff together. I couldn’t, I couldn’t keep my head on straight throughout this whole ordeal. You know, how do I how do I say that to them. And so I realized I now had another group of people that I needed to get myself straightened out for. And so I did, I was still angry. But I went and made sure that my my men were positioned where they needed to be. And I said men, because we are infantry. And at the time, there were no females in the infantry. So they were all men. And I made sure that they were positioned where they needed to be, I made sure that they fire on their targets was going in the right direction, made sure that they were they were conserving ammunition, made sure that they were doing all the things that they were supposed to be doing. And they did a phenomenal job, I was very proud of how well they were able to operate under under fire during that time period. And, and some of them had already known about what had happened to my brother. So they were just as mad as, as I was maybe not quite as mad as I was, but they were they were pretty mad. At one. One of my my soldiers had a the two or three grenade launcher and he just wanted to launch all of them in just annihilate whatever was standing in his way, because he was just so mad. I had to remind him to conserve some of the ammunition, because we didn’t know what else was coming. And so you know, so that that took place just that was about 20 minutes after finding out that my brother was killed. And it was just horrible for me. After that attack died down, and we came out on top. Fortunately, we didn’t have any any American killed in action in that fight. But we we managed to stop the attack. I was I was told that they were getting a helicopter to come back and take me out of that that area to start me on my journey home. When the helicopter landed. I got on the helicopter and I was sitting directly across from that same general that I talked to earlier in the day. And he recognized me and he said, What Weren’t you the soldier that I was talking to just a little while ago? And I said, Yeah. And I said, Do you remember that call that you got about the the two soldiers who are killed? And I said, well, one of them was my brother. And he and I both just couldn’t believe the coincidence that I happen to be out of all the 1000s of soldiers who were in Afghanistan, I happen to be the one who was standing next to him when when he got that call, you know, thank God they didn’t use names on the radio because I don’t know how this whole situation would have played out differently, but it would not have ended very well. I don’t I don’t think so. That would have been a terrible way to find out but but yeah, that was that was my day. And then that that that started my journey home. So they flew me to Bagram Airbase the next day. I was I was able to be a part of what’s called the ramp ceremony, which is where they bring the bodies of the fallen soldiers onto the plane that that takes them out of Afghanistan. And and there were There were two soldiers. The other soldier Tristan Southworth, he was he was killed in the recovery efforts of trying to recover my brother’s body. And so I was able to be a part of that. And I felt actually felt very fortunate that I was able to be there for that. Most soldiers don’t have anybody who is like a blood relative that is that close to them, who is able to be a part of that. And so I felt fortunate that I was able to be there and, and thank all of the people who came through there were high ranking American soldiers, generals, colonels, things like that. There were foreign soldiers, Polish and German soldiers who came through who were paying their respects to soldier that they didn’t even know. But they felt the need to come and pay their respects. And I was able to be there and thank them, and, you know, really just show my appreciation that they were able to take that time out of their day to come in and do that. So from there I was, I was actually able to get on that same flight with my brother, we flew to Kuwait, where he and I parted ways. I continued on to Germany, Atlanta, and then back, back home from from there. So all in all, it took me about two days, from the time that I found out that my brother was killed to the time that I was standing back home in Connecticut from from the time that I found out that my brother was killed, it took about two days, which is breaking all sorts of records. As far as deployment travel is concerned. Usually you don’t get home that quickly, but but they bumped me to the head of the line for for all these all these flights.

Victoria Volk 31:39
Wow. And so did you end up having to go back on.

Scott Deluzio 31:42
I did not know, I originally was scheduled to go back, they they gave me two weeks to come back home for the funeral and, and things like that. But at the funeral with with any kind of high profile deaths, like a military death or things like that, there were a lot of politicians and, and things like that, who attended the funeral. And one of one which happened to be the state governor. And for anyone who’s not familiar with the National Guard, the National Guard falls under both federal and state jurisdiction. So so the the commander in chief is also the Governor as well as the President of the United States. So at the funeral, the governor of the state of Connecticut told, told my family and I that I was not going to be going back, she was going to issue an order that I would stay back, stay at home because she said no, no family should have to go through that a second time. And, and so from there, I stayed home. I was I was home for the most part. Since the day that I came back. The only time that was that was that I had to leave was to do the out processing. When you when you get back from a deployment, you have to go through various medical and mental health screenings and, and process all the paperwork and all that kind of stuff. Unfortunately, that that took me back to Indiana, and Camp Atterbury. So I had to leave my family for a period of time, they scheduled me for about three days to be there. And I was like, There’s no way I’m gonna stay here for three days. This is just too much for me. So I ran through everything. I lived through my teeth through all the mental health screenings, just just to check the box and get it over with because I wanted more than anything I wanted to be home with my family. And the only thing that was standing in my way was a checkbox on a piece of paper from the these counselors saying that I was I was good to go. I wasn’t good to go. I was nowhere near good to go. But I was like I don’t, I don’t care at this point. I just want to get home.

Victoria Volk 33:44
And I think that’s the case with anyone whenever they come home off a deployment. Let’s just get this over with and check the boxes. And you know, there’s no real transparency and honesty, and not just because you want to get back home. But it’s gotten a lot better. But I think you know, your rank your career, like all those things come into play when you’re looking at those boxes. And was this earlier on in your deployment? Or did it happen later? Like did you feel guilty about that?

Scott Deluzio 34:15
Yeah, it was towards the end of the deployment. So we I had gotten there in like early February, and we were scheduled to be there until October, sometime in that timeframe. And he was killed at the end of August. So so we only had about a month and a half or so left, maybe two months left in this deployment. And so yeah, did I feel guilty I felt guilty about a lot of things. I I started questioning, you know why I joined the so my my brother had joined the Vermont Army National Guard, which I think I mentioned earlier, but he had joined before I did. And I felt guilty that I didn’t join with him in Vermont. I I joined the Connecticut Army National Guard. And had I joined the same unit is, as he did, I may have been able to be there with him, I may have been able to do something to help him to prevent this from happening. And so I kept going through all those what if scenarios in my head, like what if I had joined the Vermont National Guard? What if I had to talk to him out of re enlisting when he did, which would have made him ineligible to deploy because his enlistment was going to be up at some point during that deployment. And so he wouldn’t have deployed. What if I had done any number of other things, you know. And so I felt guilty for all of those those things, that I didn’t try harder that I didn’t try to talk him out of reenlisting that I didn’t try to join the Vermont National Guard that I didn’t do any of these things. And all of that was starting to eat away at me too. It just made me feel like I was just a terrible brother, you’re a big brother, like, that’s your job, like, your job is there to protect your younger siblings. And here I was, and I, I screwed that up. And I couldn’t be there for him when he needed me the most. And so I felt terrible about all of that. And it really it just ate me up inside.

Victoria Volk 36:23
You said you reached out the Vet Center and and things started to turn around? When did you start to feel like you were really reconciling your grief and what what you had been through and experienced with the loss of your brother, and how did that transform your life.

Scott Deluzio 36:39
It took a while. Like I said earlier, it’s not a immediate overnight transition that takes place. At least it wasn’t for me, I don’t know, some other people may have different experiences, maybe they have that light bulb moment earlier on in the process, and things just get started getting better. But for me, I was going to the Vet Center for almost two years. And at the time that I stopped going, the counselor that I was seeing he was being transferred to another location. And my family and I we were we were planning on moving to Arizona where we live now. And it just seemed like a good time to kind of cut off the treatment. I said, you know, I feel like I’m in a better place right now, I feel like I’m not having these angry outbursts all the time. Maybe I’m not perfect, maybe I still have them occasionally. But I’m getting better at this. And I think I can I can handle it from here. And I wasn’t drinking nearly as much as I had been before, you know, and the goal was never to quit drinking altogether. For me anyway. So because I still, you know, enjoy a beer every once in a while, you know, with family or friends or whatever it’s not, but it’s not like, I need this every night kind of thing. And that’s what I was trying to get away from I didn’t need to drink to make myself pass out and go to sleep. I that’s what I wanted to get away from. So. So it got me to the point where I was able to kind of manage my life a little bit easier. And I knew I still had some work to do. But I felt like I had the tools to do it and handle these things on my own. And so we moved out here to Arizona stopped going to treatment for for a while. And a few years after, after being here, I started noticing that I was slipping into some of these old habits and patterns that I was that I had successfully gotten away from for a little while. But but they were creeping back. I was starting to have a short fuse again, where where I just get mad and angry at the littlest things. And it wasn’t until actually late last year, where I really realized why I was getting so angry at the little things when you’re in the military. And you know, this probably just as well. When someone tells you to do something, they give you an order. It’s not one of those things that’s up for debate. Like oh, well, you know, maybe if we do it this way and change it. No, it’s no, this is what needs to happen. And that needs to happen. Now it just do it. Yeah, there’s some times when that might be appropriate. But but in the heat of the moment, you kind of just have to follow those orders and and do what is asked of you. And if it’s not done as as it’s intended to be done, then that’s when lives are at stake when people start getting injured and killed. And I felt like I was carrying that same level of intensity just into my everyday daily life. And like that’s, that’s no way. There’s no way to live life right like constantly acting as If everything is a life and death situation, when my son spills a glass of milk on the floor, that’s not a life and death situation, when my dog throws up on the carpet, that’s not a life and death situation, I don’t need to have that level of intensity with, with those kinds of situations. Yeah, I can be frustrated that something like that happened. But I don’t need to be, you know, turning into Sergeant Scott mode, you know, insert gelling with the knife, hands and everything. And, and, you know, going absolutely crazy about these situations. And, but that’s what I was doing. And I found myself falling back into those old patterns, I was having more and more trouble sleeping. So I found myself drinking more and more, and getting it back into those old habits. And,

Scott Deluzio 40:48
And I realized at that point that our mental health is, it’s not like some things with your physical health, like, if you were to break your arm, you go to the doctor, you get the cast put on, it’s healed, you take the cast off, and it’s good, you don’t really need a follow up unless you break your arm or you reinjure it somehow, right. So you’re kind of just just good after that, right. But your mental health is a little more fluid, it comes in waves, you know, certain things can set you off sights, smells, times of day, or even times of year, can can set you off anniversaries of of things like the loved one staff that have their birthdays, or certain holidays that you enjoyed celebrating together or things like that, those kinds of things can set you off. And so what I realized is that it’s it’s worthwhile to just like with your physical health to go get a checkup, every once in a while, go go in, just have a chat with someone and just make sure that everything’s still ticking the way it’s supposed to be ticking, you know, you go to the doctor for an annual physical, to make sure that your cholesterol is in check to make sure that you’re, you know, you’re maybe do a cancer screening, you know, on an annual basis to make sure that something didn’t pop up in the last year, right. There’s nothing wrong with going and continuing to get mental health treatment on a periodic basis, whether that’s annually or more or less frequently, whatever makes sense for you. But there’s nothing wrong with that. If there’s, there’s something that could be popping up for you. Go talk to somebody. And lately, I’ve been in several different treatment options for PTSD. And currently, I’m doing prolonged exposure therapy, where you basically are talking about these, these trauma memories that replay in your head over and over again, and you talk about it. And the idea is sort of like if you were to watch a scary movie, the first time you watch it, it’s pretty scary. But if you were to sit down and force yourself to watch that movie 2530 times by that point, you kind of know when the guy is going to jump out of the closet, and you know what, what’s coming, and it’s not so scary anymore. And so that’s kind of the idea with with this as well is that you kind of relive some of those, those memories over and over again, to the point where they’re, they’re not as traumatic to you, there’s still, it’s not taking away the impact that they may have had on your life, but it’s reducing your response to it, you’re not jumping out of out of the seat in that scary moment in the movie anymore. You’re not waking up in the middle of the night, you know, having nightmares about these things anymore. And that’s, that’s kind of the goal. And so, so that that’s what I’ve been doing. And this is this is 12 years after, after the fact. And it’s okay, it can be one of those things that that goes on for for years. But you just manage the situation differently. And I it’s been 12 years for me, but I did have a significant time period in between where I took took a break. So it wasn’t like I was continuously working on this for 12 years, you know, so not to discourage anyone who who might be looking for that type of thing. It’s not like, this is a normal results. Where Yeah, this is gonna take me decades to get through. It may it may not I don’t know. But you know, for me, it’s one of those things where I just realized it’s okay to ask for help, even all these years later, and the help that I’m getting is, is helping in various areas. And so, you know, it’s just being open to getting that treatment.

Victoria Volk 44:38
I commend you for reaching out a second time. You know, we often think that you had that gap and you think you go through life and you think I’m good, I’m fine. I’m fine. I got this right. Did you have another loss that kind of catapulted you back in time to that heart Break, because you mentioned, you know, this is the perfect part to say this too, because you said, when you have a broken bone, you go to the doctor and we say in Grief Recovery, you have a broken bone, you go to the doctor, why do we not go to the doctor when we have a broken heart? Right? It’s it’s more than just our mental health, it’s a broken heart. Did you have a broken heart again, during that, that you found yourself realizing, Oh, I’m falling back into these patterns?

Scott Deluzio 45:31
You know, I, I didn’t have a loss to the same extent that, that losing my brother was I didn’t have a loved one passed away, like that. But what I did have, and this was, this was about four years ago now. And this was kind of in the middle of the process. So I don’t know if this was exactly, exactly what was the catalyst for, for this change for me or whatever. But it may have helped push me over the edge a little bit. But my, my wife had pretty significant medical issues where she started having some seizures. And she had never had seizures before in her life. And she, she ended up in a coma. And the doctors and the nurses weren’t sure what we were gonna get when she came out of this, this coma, they weren’t sure if, if she was going to be responsive. They didn’t know they didn’t know what was going to happen when she eventually came out of a coma. And so, yeah, that was a scary situation for me, because here I am, with three kids, you know, I’ve always relied on her. We’ve always relied on each other, I should say, to build this family. And now I’m questioning whether or not she’s going to be there anymore. And and that was, that was really scary for me. And I’m not saying that that necessarily caused me to start drinking and start, you know, falling down that this path because I think there were some other warning signs early on that I was starting to slip back into that that pattern but but that’s when I realized that I needed to get some help for myself, too. I needed to get back into it and start seeking out some sort of treatment. And I tried, you know, several different things, but but it really was once when when we found out that she was going to be okay, I realized I needed to get back in and start taking this seriously and not just say, Oh, I’ll be okay, I’ll just deal with it. I needed to do more, be more act proactive with my mental health.

Victoria Volk 47:47
I think that a situation like that, too, is such a reminder for us that we are not in control. Right. So when you’re in the military, and you’re wearing the uniform, and you’re the one that has to be in control, and everything is precise, and accurate, and you’re giving orders and taking orders and everything is you know, you know how it is. It’s a controlled, you know, we do our best to have it be a controlled environment, and respond like that when it’s not. Right. Right. And so when there’s a situation like that, like with your wife, I can see it could pull you right back into that when you lost your brother in this feeling of no sense of control out of, you know, but I also know, you had lost a dog, didn’t you?

Scott Deluzio 48:35
Yeah, well, this was this was later on. This was in the summer of 2020 that that my dog passed away. And that was that was a pretty significant loss too, because she had been with our family for, let’s say, we got her probably two months or so after my wife and I got married. So pretty much our entire marriage. She was there throughout this whole grieving process. And she was the dog that I was yelling at for throwing up on the carpet. You know, and, and the cool thing about dogs is as much of a jerk as I was to her during that time period, she still for the day that she died, she still was wagging her tail and happy to see me and we actually called her my my co worker because I work from home. And whenever I would go into the office, she’d be right at my heels she she’d always come into the office with me as she got older. She was an English bulldog. So very low energy. She would just come into the office and sleep at my feet all day and and she was happiest can be to be able to do that like that was just was was so awesome for her. So much so that on the weekends when I wouldn’t go into work, she would stand by the door and just start barking because she’s like, No, this is where we need to be right now. I need to be here and so, you know, so hurt the loss of that dog was, was significant. She had been there for the entirety of my my children’s lives up until that point. They never knew what it was like to live without a dog, my wife and I actually found it because the dog is so used to sleep in our bedroom, which had a little bed next to next to ours. My wife and I actually found it difficult to sleep at night because we didn’t have her snoring in the room with us. Which, which sounds weird. Like, you might think, like, Oh, my God, that’s so annoying, but it actually became like a, like, white noise kind of thing. Where were we almost came to expect it to be. And so yeah, it had some impact as well on on us. And, you know, we’re coming up on two years. As of the time of this recording, by the time this recording airs, it’s going to be a little bit after that, but even just last night, I was talking with my daughter, and and she was saying how she still misses the dog. And and, you know, so it’s had an impact on our family. And, you know, yeah, you can say it’s just a dog, but the people who live with the dog, like that’s, that’s a part of part of your family. And you don’t want anything bad to happen to them.

Victoria Volk 51:24
And you don’t want to break a dog owners heart by saying it’s just a dog, don’t people. Right, right. breaking their heart all over again.

Scott Deluzio 51:33
Exactly. Yeah. So

Victoria Volk 51:34
Yeah, I bring that up. Because it’s grief is cumulative. It’s cumulatively negative. So all of those things that you experienced it just stack up over time.

Scott Deluzio 51:45
Yeah, yeah. And it’s what really got me. And I knew that she didn’t have much time left with us. Just because English Bulldogs ate tend to live for about eight to 10 years, and she was pushing 12 I kind of knew it time was limited for her shoot, she was basically on borrowed time, as far as I was concerned, because that’s, you know, that they just don’t live that long. And what killed me though, was seeing my kids reaction when they found out that that she had died. The heartbreak in them was, was like, just stabbing me too, because like, I never, I don’t want my kids to be sad and upset over over things like that. But at the same time, I was glad that they knew the love that they had, right. But I’m glad that they were able to experience that because without the highs, you can’t have the lows, or maybe the other way around. Right? If you don’t have those lows, you don’t appreciate the highs as much, right? And so, you know, in a way, I was sort of glad, but at the same time, it was just it was like stabbing you with a knife. It was hard to see them experienced that.

Victoria Volk 53:06
So how do you because I know like, in those earlier years and the angry years and experiencing the grief years, you felt very angry and things and guilt and all of those things that we these feelings that we punish ourselves with, and we don’t give ourselves compassion or grace. What does that look like for you today? Now that you’ve, you’re in, you know, you’re getting help again, and things or you’re feeling more, maybe more like yourself? How has that changed for you? How you give yourself compassion and things like that?

Scott Deluzio 53:44
I think what you you said earlier about how grief is cumulative. I think that’s true for a lot of the experiences that we have in life. So you know, as you experience things, you you learn and grow from them all the way back from when you’re a kid and you touch something that was really hot for the first time. You’ve learned really quickly not to do that again, right and, but that’s like one experience that you you carried on throughout your entire life. Everything that you experience is something that you’re going to carry on throughout life in grief is included the loss of a loved one, a pet, family member, what whoever it is, there, that is something that’s going to carry with you, and how you deal with those, those things will also carry it with you. And I think I had a really hard time for for the longest time letting myself just just accept the fact that that there are certain things that are out of my control that that no matter what I did or didn’t do. It was it was his time. It was his time. wouldn’t have happened, whether I was standing right next to him or not. And so I just had to be okay with that. And, you know, it took me a while to start to accept that there are certain things just out of my control took me a while to learn how to grieve when I had lost loved ones before, you know, grandparents and things like that earlier on, but never, never someone is as close to me as my, my brother was, and I, I didn’t really know how to grieve that kind of loss. When we got into that firefight, right after I found out that he was killed. I felt like I put the grief aside, I stopped being able to grieve. And I picked up the anger. And that’s all I really knew was just how to be angry in the military. It’s almost like, applauded when, when you’re going around being angry at things all the time, like, Okay, well, this person is serious, and they’re intense. And they, they’re, you know, they’re, they’re really taking their job seriously. Okay, yeah, I get that. But when you’re coming home, and you’re screaming at your, your one year old, and you’re, you’re yelling at your dog, and you’re, you’re just being an absolute jerk. That’s not the same thing. And that’s, I think, I’ve replaced my, my grief with anger. And so for the longest time, I don’t, I don’t think I was actually even breathing, I think I was just actively being angry, trying to do something, trying to be in control of a situation I had no control over. And so it took me a while, but I eventually figured out how to accept the things that I had no control over to accept the fact that, that he was gone, that that no amount of yelling and screaming and losing my temper was going to bring him back. But what I could do is, remember the good times with him, remember, the things that we used to do the trouble we used to get into as kids remember the fun that we would have? Even as adults, we, we would go to hockey games together, and we’d have fun. i There’s various stories, I probably could tell about all that, that kind of stuff, too. But you know, I started thinking about those those things. And then I started thinking about, would he be okay with how I’m reacting to this, like if, you know, whatever people believe if they believe in heaven, and hell, and all that kind of stuff. But, you know, just imagine for a minute what, regardless of what you believe that there’s some portal to wherever they are, and they’re able to look down at us and see how we’re behaving, knowing what you know about that person, would they be proud of what you’re doing with your life and how you’re doing? Would they be upset? Would they be sad for you with?

Scott Deluzio 58:14
And I thought, you know, why not try to whether there’s that portal that I’m talking about? We’re not, why not try to live life in a way that would make him proud. And, and that’s what I’ve done, I think anyways, with, with my podcasts, you mentioned it earlier, the drive on podcast, where I I’m trying to help out other veterans who are struggling with various issues, whether it’s PTSD, or addiction or job transition, things like that. I want to help people, and so that they’re not struggling by themselves. And I’ve also written my book that talks about this whole experience of surviving son, which my goal for that is to hopefully have the other people who needed the service members who were dealing with, with stuff similar to what I was dealing with, to make sure that they realize that there are healthier ways to deal with the grief and the losses that they may experience. Maybe that those those people didn’t lose a blood relative the way I did, but maybe they lost a close friend in combat or in a training accident or something like that. There’s healthier ways to deal with it than what I did. But I also want everyone else who reads it, to realize that there is a real person behind the name that you hear on the news. Anytime that you hear about these combat deaths, you know, last year had the 1313 troops that were killed in Afghanistan during the end of that withdrawal period. Each one of those people had a family and had people who cared about them, and they had a life before that. They had a hobbies and interests and and things that they were known for. And, you know, we don’t know, every single one of them, we don’t know, maybe even don’t even know their names. But why not? Why don’t they were people who went out and laid their lifestyle down, we should take some time to get to know who these people were not that that would ever replace their being here, but it helps if their memory lives on. And so that’s, that’s what I wanted to do in my book is talk about my my brother and his upbringing and how, how we were as kids and everything. So by the time you get to the point where, you know, he’s killed, you sort of feel like you knew him before, before he was killed, and almost gives you that, that sense of like, you almost lost someone that you knew to not, not necessarily to that same extent that, that I would have grieved him or anything but but it just gives you a little perspective, little little insight into those names that you hear on the news.

Victoria Volk 1:01:08
It humanizes the story. Yeah, it does. So what is one of your most favorite memories with Steven or have Steven or a memory that like would embody who he was.

Scott Deluzio 1:01:21
So he was, he was kind of a goofball. He would, he would always do things to make people laugh. No matter what, no matter what the situation was, if you were having a bad day, you came home from work or school or whatever, and you’re having a bad day, he’d figured out a way to get you to laugh. If you were telling a story, talking about something that was boring to him. If he was standing there, he would literally collapse on the ground and pretend like he was sleeping. Because that was his way of saying, Hey, this is boring. I don’t want to talk about this anymore. And so we’d all start laughing because it was it was just funny, right? There was there’s one time and I talked about this in the book, because I think I’m gonna steal that. You know what the, we’ve done that, too. Like after, after he passed away, sometimes we’ll be sitting around, I’ll be sitting with my parents and talking and they’ll be saying something and I’m like, This is so boring is stupid. And I’ll just like put my head down and like

Victoria Volk 1:02:19
I wanna do that to someone see what the reaction is.

Scott Deluzio 1:02:26
But so so this other story that I talked about in my book, I think really shows how much life he had in him and how lively of a person he was. So we were up in Boston, watching a Boston Bruins hockey game, and they were playing the Montreal Canadiens. And it’s big rivalry between Montreal and Boston and, and everything. And so the Bruins had won that game. And so there’s this whole big, like, USA, USA kind of vibe in the arena, right? Everyone’s like, you know, all this patriotic kind of thing. Like, oh, Canada, you know, yeah. Okay, whatever, Canada, you know, that kind of stuff. And so, he and I had been a few few beers deep at that point, you know, really enjoying the game. And so if you’ve ever walked out of a pro sports arena, you know that the sea of people, you’re waddling like penguins trying to get out of place, right. And there’s, there’s this hole, as far as your I can see almost, there’s people, right? Well, we’re standing there, and with this whole big patriotic vibe going, my brother starts yelling, USA, USA, and he gets the entire arena, all of these people to start chanting that too. And, and it’s amazing. It’s like deafening how loud it was because we’re in the small, like, hallway corridor kind of thing. And it continues all the way into the stairwell walking out of the place, going down out into the street. And it’s just funny, right? So he and I had nothing but the or up until that point. And so we were pretty hungry. And we found a burger place across the street, and we went in to go get some food. And so we sit down and the waiter comes by and it takes our order and and he asked my brother is Canadian bacon, okay, on your burger. And my brother looks at him like he was about to rip his face off. And he goes, hell no. I want American bacon on this burger. And then he cracks a smile and we realized that he’s just joking, right? And then the waiter goes Would would you like french fries with that? And he has that same disgusted look on his face. Because hell no, I want American fries and the guy is like, I don’t even know what to do with that but you’re gonna get price whatever, you know, but, but you know, that’s just the kind of guy he was where he could get an entire arena to start chanting you USA USA. And then he can flip to just joking around with a waiter at the restaurant. And it was just to me, it was a very memorable time. You know, if he was still here today, I don’t even know if he would remember that he had done any of that. But to me, it was just like, that’s him. That’s that’s his personality. And I think that that gives a good good example of who he was.

Victoria Volk 1:05:25
Wit and humor. Yeah, I love that. I’ll probably share that story later. Thank you so much for sharing that. Yeah, absolutely. Thank you so much for sharing everything that you have, I have no doubts that this is going to be helpful for many people I could have, I wanted to like dig into more the alcohol and you know, because that’s a stir by talked about that earlier. And anger is also a sturb. And I could have gotten there too in the conversation. But I feel very whole and complete with what we’ve talked about. And I want to give you an opportunity to share anything else if there if you have anything else to share?

Scott Deluzio 1:06:03
Yeah, a couple of things. You know, for people who are going through grief, like like this, or any kind of grief, some people say it gets better with time, I don’t know that that’s true, I think it gets different. You kind of learn to live with that difference in your life. You know, you learn to live with that loved one, not in your life anymore, you start to learn how to not rely on that person being there, and you adjust. So life gets different. And the sooner you get Okay, with the fact that life gets different, I think the easier you’ll use your time you’ll have with the whole process. Not I’m not trying to say that it ever gets easy. It just gets different. And when you have that difference, and you’re okay with that difference, it does get easier. Because you’re not, you’re not swimming upstream, you’re not fighting against the current or whatever you’re, you’re, you’re kind of accepting it and, and moving on and learning how to how to live life. Without whatever that thing is in your life that you’re you’re grieving. So you know, anything from loss of a loved one or pet, a job loss relationship that ends, all of those are different types of grief. But the sooner you you learn to accept the fact that things are just going to be different. I think that the sooner you can get on with with life and have a happier, more fulfilling life, if I can. I know we mentioned my podcast earlier, the drive on podcasts for any veterans or loved ones of veterans who might be struggling to drive on podcast, you can find it at Drive on podcast.com. And then my book, Surviving son, you can get that on Amazon. Just search for surviving son, and it should should pop up there. It’s also at surviving son book.com. And you can find it there. But, but ultimately, the goal for me is to help people find hope, where they might feel that all hope is lost. So you know if there’s anything that I’ve said or have worked on that that might help people. That’s really the goal for me is just to get that information out there. And I can help as many people as possible.

Victoria Volk 1:08:42
Thank you so much. And I’ll actually I’ll put the links to those mentions in the show notes just to piggyback what you had shared. It’s about time, it’s making the choice to take action in that time. That really is the catalyst for change. It’s making a choice to make a change and taking action towards that change that you want to see in your life and in your grief. So, thank you so much. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.

Ep 119 | Kimberly Bell

Kimberly Bell | The Imprint of Fear and Feeling Unwanted To Finding My Voice

 

SHOW NOTES SUMMARY: 

Every human being experiences trauma to some degree. We don’t have to experience “Big T Traumas” for those experiences to leave an imprint on our hearts and bodies.

At age 5, Kimberly had such an experience after witnessing her father physically abuse her mother while she and her older sibling were present. And, because they were in a vehicle, there was nowhere to run or hide. Afterward, her father dropped off her mother and sibling at a family member’s home. On the other hand, Kimberly was taken by her father to sleep elsewhere and away from her family, with terror in her body and fear in her heart. From that day forward, Kimberly’s life changed forever.

Kimberly was left in the care of her father’s sister and husband, where Kimberly went from a family unit of four and an older sibling she adored to becoming an only child. She became estranged from her immediate biological family in an instant. Her older sister remained with their parents and experienced the addition of more siblings that came along over the years that Kim had no part of, too, which only added to her grief over the years.

Defining moments like these shape the rest of our lives and impact who we become and how we show up in the world. Kimberly had to learn how to build her self-esteem, that self-love is the best love, and that she was worthy of love no matter what she did or didn’t do for others.

Kimberly shares a lesson her adopted father shared with her: “Stand for something, or you’ll fall for anything.” I believe Kimberly did just that by finding and sharing her voice.

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Victoria Volk 0:00
Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. My guest today is Kimberly Bell. She is a native of Salisbury, Maryland. And she holds two degrees, one in human growth and development, psychology, and the other in theology. She is an inspirational speaker, Minister, mentor and author of the epitome of Kimmy, accept and embrace it all. Through her work, she shares her life story and personal experiences to inspire others to never give up hope, while raising awareness to societal issues. Thank you so much for being my guest.

Kimberly Bell 0:37
Thank you for having me. It’s a pleasure. Thank you.

Victoria Volk 0:41
We’re just going to dive right in, because a part of your story is of being adopted. And I don’t know that I have had a guest who has been adopted, necessarily, I tried to think and I There isn’t. I’m gonna have to look that up. Yeah. What is that like?

Kimberly Bell 1:02
Huh? Well, as I started the healing process, and going through investing in me and building my self worth and getting to understand things that was broken foundations that was broken, and how I dealt with the depression and anxiety of separation, and abandonment and stuff is that when I really realized that I went through a great loss of along with that separation of staying with my biological parents, my biological mother and father and my biological sister, she was two years older than me up until I was five. And then, my biological father, and my biological mother had one of the worst fights ever. It wasn’t not normal, that they had chaotic, you know, in their marriage. And, you know, and in the home, where I witnessed physical, verbal, and, you know, abuse there, but this particular time, it was one of the worst. And it ended up my biological father and my boss and my biological mother separating for a short time. But during that traumatic experience, it took me with him. And he dropped me off to his sister, which is my paternal aunt, she’s the oldest sibling of them. And he said, I would come back, he, you know, told me, I was going to have to stay there. But he would come back and never happened. Now, their relationship did not cease, you know, they still had the sibling relationship. And he came periodically, in and out, he ended up really getting a divorce from my biological mother down the road after they had other kids, and making a new family. But it was almost like, it was a continuous journey for me in my mind that I lost my dad, and I lost my mother. At that time, at that tragic event, I lost, and no one gave me a say, I had no control. And now how do I grieve? Losing and being separated from all that? I knew from the beginning?

Victoria Volk 3:29
At home? What age five, five?

Kimberly Bell 3:32
Going on six? Yeah.

Victoria Volk 3:33
What happened to your sister?

Kimberly Bell 3:35
She stayed with, with my mother.

Victoria Volk 3:38
So you lost your sister too

Kimberly Bell 3:40
Exactly yeah, I lost a relationship. And we talked about that a couple of times, I was vocal one. And I said, you know, we were robbed from our relationship. Because we were really close. She was two years older than me. And she was pretty much my hero. I remember, you know, being upset going in her room. And, you know, she would make me you know, as big sisters would, you know, smile and laugh and, and those years of missing and wondering, you know, what is she doing and wanting to be around her wanting to be connected, and that’s not happening. Until we got to almost adult age, we still stayed in our hometown, but we was not connected. We was not connected.

Victoria Volk 4:25
Wow, that’s almost even harder, right? Like you’re young. And you knew like you consciously knew like even, let’s say, maybe not necessarily at five not understanding that but surely, eight 910 11. Knowing your mom, your sister in the same town, but you’re not connected. You’re not seeing each other right

Kimberly Bell 4:47
Now a couple of times I went through my little spells of and I never wanted not to be connected to either one of them. It’s just it never worked in my favor. But I always wanted to be back with my mother, you know, even even knowing the treatment wasn’t, wasn’t good. It was only the treatment that I knew. And I loved her. So wasn’t I never wanted, you know, so I would go do some episodes and spells that I would cry and I’m like, oh, what my mom, I want to go with my sister. You know, and then episodes with my dad coming in and out talking to his sibling, or the, you know, my adopted mom, which is just sister about his life. And then, you know, looking at me and saying, I’m gonna come, I’m gonna come back and get you I’m going to come and, you know, I’m going to take you with me, and I’m getting my bags packed and, and hopes up, and he never shows up. So I’m going through all this talk tormal. And my, my adopted father, which is her husband was like, always the mediator, he was always trying to balance my episodes out. So I remember him making, it’s crazy that you said around eight or nine, there was pretty much around that age between eight to 1010, that he gave my dad a talk. And I remember listening in the other room, and he was really kind of like getting on him stern and was like, stay away. If we want to promise her and not come not deliver. And we see the hurt and we see the pain. Don’t do that. Just stay away. And so it he did four months, I didn’t see him. And then when I did see him when months, they you know, he would come there periodically and and pretty much update my mom, his sister on his life. When he was going into the ministry, he remarried. He had other kids and stuff like that. And in the episodes that I was going through a wanting to be with my mom, I remember my mom, at that time, my adopted mom saying, you know, I just don’t understand you. Why would you want to be with someone that mistreat you and don’t want you and other and you know, my dad, he would be the mediator, he would say, you know, her husband, we’re not going to do this. It’s okay. And that was he was really like the first one that really gave me a sense that my emotions, my feelings didn’t matter, despite of anybody else made me feel that way. He said, I guess kind of this foundation because he said, we’re not going to do that we’re not going to do that. It’s okay that she wants to go and see her mom. It’s okay that she was, but it was never an initiated from her. So that even hurt worse because it was always me initiating. So with me initiating, and he was he allowed him and my mother allowed me to periodically to go and see my mother, we’re all still living in that same hometown radius. So probably like 20 to 25 minutes apart. When I come to visit her, it was never it was always the same. It was just like I was a neighborhood kid. So here I’m going back, Justice torn as I was leaving. So then, you know, that stopped after for a while that stuff. But it was never. And that’s why I said I know that I had to come to grips and accept that was a complete loss. Mentally, physically and emotionally from my birth mother, that I want it so much to have. She was all I knew. But I had to accept. That’s not what she wanted, you know, and I’m not responsible for that. I held guilt and shame for being responsible of her choice of not wanting me not fighting for me, not coming back to get me not, you know, concluding the separation, you know, so it was those episodes. And like I said, during those years, up until 18 When I did leave my adoptive parents home, you know, because I’m of age or whatever in my life changed. It was never an initiation from my birth mother. No calls that I can recall. No gifts, no kind of mental, physical, or emotional contact to let me know that she wanted to be connected with me so that sealed and I had to live through some rejection and pain because I wasn’t ready to accept the complete loss all the way around. And to grieve. It’s a reality. It was a reality. Yeah.

Victoria Volk 9:36
So how did you find yourself coping with that reality over the years?

Kimberly Bell 9:41
Oh, really in bed cycles depression, anxiety, very impulsive. I was very impulsive and relationships because I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to be feel that abandonment anyone anymore. And once I felt like and get this it was like Because I had, up until five tried to find anything that I could to make her accept me or to make her Be kind, just because to me that that seemed like it never happened or the emotional connection that I seen her do with my sister, that was quite different when it came to me was almost like a resentment. And I didn’t understand why. And so it was always it was like a foundation built on. If I was only quite enough, if I wasn’t only pretty enough, if I was only good enough, if I was only quite smart enough, if I didn’t ask for seconds or whatever, to get approval to be accepted. And that took a lot of years down to other relationships, even down to my kids wanting to be the best. Because here if I could just get one ounce of acceptance that I got you instead of someone just accepting me for me and me not having to work for it. Tough, because I built my life with years of relationships of doing draining myself, too. Am I not just good enough? I have this to offer. I can say you accept me. So once you accept me, then I am I’m good. Why would you ever want to leave me that? Did you get what I’m saying? And then I’m like trying to hold on to whether it’s a bad relationship, rather as a toxic relationship? Because now you’ve used you said, you accept me, you’re in my life? How dare you want to now leave out my life or do something that make me feel like it’s this what life is all about this bad behavior? Or this unhealthy behavior? Or this top sickness? my stress level or the way you’re disrespectfulness? Or the way you’re talking to me? Is this worth you being in my life rather than you not being in mind? No, I’d rather for you to be in my life. And not make me feel abandoned again. And do whatever you want. Shoot me however you want. Because this is what I only knew. This is the cycle. I’m so. And it’s the shame that I got all the way to my 40s. But I had to really choose and accept the dysfunctional cycle and accept and choose. Do I want my life to be this way?

Kimberley Bell 12:36
Like it was the depression, the anxiety, that buying love that feeling like I have to buy love feeling like that I have to force love, beg for love. I don’t. And I had to find I’m worth so much more than have to do by love. I’m worth I was created for love. And to be loved, naturally, does not foresee No. So I had to really like process and get it and say this cycle and changes has to start with me. It has to start with me, from my heart to my mind. And when I got that accept and embrace it all. During those times during those chapters of my memoir, I had to actually live that I had I when I read the story and I wrote story. I was like, holy shit. God, I said, this is really sad. This really this How unfortunate. And I never looked at my story like that. I looked at it as if like, someone looking out in a numb stage like, oh, yeah, you know, she did have two birth parents. She did have to adopt your parents but never actually accepting the effects physically, mentally and emotionally. That took place beyond my control. And then how I staged and I made decisions based on those effects that was never dealt with. And then I was raised in a generation, that era that what goes on in home stays in a home. I didn’t have any they didn’t embrace, you know, therapists they didn’t embrace you know, so I was definitely going through PTSD on so many, so many different levels from that traumatic incident that I just seen blood from my mom’s head to her chin. That that event he physically beat her so bad in the car with me and my sister that led me being taken to his sister’s house. She got dropped off at my grandparents house her and my sister and I say I had to get back in the car with my dad. And then we went, that was one of the I in his vivid. I will never forget in details, what had happened and then having to stay overnight to someone’s house. I didn’t know them. I did. I knew of them. But that was that was my first night that I’ve ever remember staying over and I’m staying there, I’m alone. And it seemed like they already had a bedroom prepared for me. But I’m so shocked and scared. I didn’t even want to tell them that I was scared to be in the dark. I just laid there. And I cried, and I’m thinking of my sister. What is where she, what is she doing? And when when would my dad come back? That something with that inside of me a built in hope was if I could get through this night, I’ll be alright. But as far as my voice as far as me saying to these strange but but not strange people and how I feel oh, it was it was not heard of. So I built a silence about me. You know, so that had to be breaking broken. That had to come to grips with accepting and and then I remember as I was writing the story and reliving marriages and relationships that I adopted the same coping skills, unhealthy coping skill of being silent being feeling like my voice did not matter. Okay, it hurt. Okay, that was very painful. But if I say something, who works for what would it even matter, I had to, you know, really invest some time of breaking my solid, understanding what I’m worth, and building my own self esteem. And then just being comfortable loving me. And once I started just examining and loving me, I still went through some, and I still go through the process of hurt times, I just lost my my adopted mother that raised me and how I was treated, like alienated for speaking my truth, or being courageous enough to share my story. When I tell you, I’m coming from a generation though that you don’t expose any family secrets you don’t share. Even if this was about to help you. You just don’t do that. So I was alienated from the funeral. From the program. My I suppose recent, this was recent. This was last night.

Kimberly Bell 17:33
Her brother took in charge of everything which is my biological father, younger brother, they’re about two or maybe two to four years apart. And my biological father has been dead probably over 11 years now. But he took in charge of everything. And he would not let me or my children be a part of the funeral arrangements, the funeral program. And then on the hair was the icing on the cake. And this is why I’m so glad that I’m able to be a voice and inspire other listeners that had I not took the time to be courageous enough and share my truth and heal and invest in myself. My biological mother, my birth mother was in the program. She was there reading the obituary, and she has never contacted me. She has never contacted me. We still live in hometown, or even give me her condolences that the woman that passed away that raised me acknowledged that she’s passed away but yet she was there and the funeral at the funeral title. Yes, yep. And I’m just saying, If I end it, and don’t get me wrong, I got I didn’t do or the funeral but I didn’t even get out of the car to go to the memorial. The board burial I, one of my adult daughters was with me. So I took her she drove she rode with me. And I was feeling so sick stomach. after that. I went home. And I just laid in the bed and I went to sleep but not saying that I wasn’t hurt. I was hurt, pain when it but what I found was some strength that I allowed myself to choose to reinvest in myself since last year to work on me. My book was published last year in August. So and like I said she just passed away last month, April the 11th. If it not if they did not, if I did not release my truth and invest in me and start building my self worth up and loving me and leaning on the support of my children. I wouldn’t been able to I wouldn’t have been able to pass that test. I know I wouldn’t have. I probably would have turned that y’all probably would have me on CNN. I probably would have turned the funeral out because that was a lot to handle. I’ve been alienated on both sides, but yet having to confront it. You know what I mean? being alienated from both sides. But yet, I’m looking at the woman that raised me. And the casting, she’s going, here’s another loss. And then the birth mom, that has always been a loss there, she’s they’re still portraying. I don’t know what. But it’s a double loss, double alienation, because you never even contacted me. You have not spoke to me. And much almost, you know, a year probably,

Victoria Volk 20:39
To your adoptive parents, did they have other children and for all the love they had to give, it really just went to you.

Kimberly Bell 20:48
Yep I was there. I was her cam and I was his Kimmy. How I got that name. That title is he used to call me his Kimmy. And so yeah,

Victoria Volk 20:59
There’s so much of your story that I personally relate to very different ways. But there’s so much of your story, just really this lack of having a voice, not being able to have a voice and really finding your way, too, that much later in life, like 40th year. So very much like you just walking through life like shrinking, shrinking, shrinking. And it’s really just this way that we self sabotage, and never really truly find our own potential. Because we are so busy looking for approval, and validation and validation and all these things. And I think we do it differently. You know, you mentioned buying love You tried to buy other people’s love, I suppose you You’re what you What do you mean when you say that, and then I want to elaborate more on this.

Kimberly Bell 21:52
I never really remember getting any gift, monetary gift to me from my birth mom, but yet I would. Birthdays, I would give money and cards, I would, you know, give her Mother’s Day cards with money in it if I seen her because like I said it. Being in the hometown at a gas station. I remember saying, you know, being so excited to see her and wanting so much of her acceptance and conversation. You want gas, you know, I can fill your car up. And I’m doing that, you know, like, yeah, so

Victoria Volk 22:24
How about just with, with relationships? How did that show up in relationship,

Kimberly Bell 22:29
I was always the initiator, you know, you need a job. Like, if it wasn’t my money, it was always my time, sacrificing, sacrificing my time, my energy to help them to get on their feet, help them to, you know, if they didn’t have a place to stay, while I haven’t, you know, you can stay here, you know, you need what do you need to get a car, you know, just, you know, I would just be always the one that would use over exceed, you know, the energy, the time the money to, to get that acceptance or buy that approval? You know,

Victoria Volk 23:09
It’s an over giving

Kimberly Bell 23:11
Yeah I can help you, I can help you, I can help you.

Victoria Volk 23:14
And here’s what’s interesting about that, because I very much relate to that. Whether it’s usually it would be my time that I would give to other people and, ya know, deplete my own energy and, and some people do it with food, right. Like some people will just feed people just that’s how they, you know, they get something from that when people would respond with Oh, you’re such a good cook. I love your food. And yeah, so it perpetuates that right. Yeah, that giving and, but when other people would see, right, and correct me if I’m wrong is you have such a big heart. Yep. You know, and so people see that you have such a big heart, but really what they don’t see is the reason for that is the pain. Yeah, the over giving is right for pain, and it’s giving for the wrong reasons. Right? Right. We don’t see that pattern until we see it right until we’re ready to see it. And that’s where you said when you were writing your book, it was obviously a very therapeutic thing for you. I experienced the same it was like the first time really that i same thing I express my voice express express my story shared my story. And it was it was received in a lot of the same way where we don’t talk about what’s happening in the in you know, the family and that’s nobody’s business and but it’s

Kimberly Bell 24:42
True. I had my story right dad at me. Yeah, serious and they’re still mad at me and the retaliation is crazy. But on the other hand, I got so many support of people saying that my story helped inspire them and you know, I never looked at. And I even made sure I remember specifically, when I had. And when I sent the transcript, which was that needed to be edit, you know, I said, and I made it very clear, I said, if you see that I’m going outside and touching my feelings and emotions negatively, to make someone else look bad. Please delete it. Because that is not my mission. This is about me, I want my book to help heal someone else. And to understand that this is my truth, that these are things that I went through, that I had to accept, and how these things has brought me to where I’m at now. Exactly. And so like you said, with people that are from different generations, or different mentality, or mindsets of of, you know, how dare you, you know, with knowing that you’re not just the only soul person that had certain effects on you that happened was like, you don’t cross the line, you don’t do that. You don’t do that I’d rather is for to inspire, heal, you’re not, you just don’t do that you you keep solid. That’s like you said, That’s nobody’s business. And so I am just, and that was like that door of I’ve never felt now, I felt that courageous move, just a touch of it, when I stopped the procrastination, and ended up graduating from the first college and completing something because I felt like I had this mentality that I just had the spirit of, I just couldn’t finish, I just would leave things open, and then go to another thing, and not complete, and then just go to another thing. And so that one courageous move was just a touch of this last one that I said, Okay, now, this is the biggest courageous move of speaking out, standing on my truth. And leaving in in the hands of God, on what the outcome will be. Because God knows it wasn’t about diminishing or damaging anybody else’s character. It was about setting me free. And it did. It set me free. But it also, and I just believe my story is going to set other people free. You know. So my dad said to me, and that really struck me when I was and I had a massage therapist. On on call. During the time I was writing the book during COVID. She didn’t even know that I was writing the book. Actually, I sent the book to her way after, you know, I therapy sessions when the book was released in August of last year. And she just called me she called me but she was like, I can’t believe it. She said, I did not know because some of the things she she didn’t even know. She said, and you were writing this at the time. And I was like, Yeah, but getting back to my dad said, and that really took me to the level that I knew that I had to do this. He said, and this is what he instilled in me was one part of my foundation, he said to me, if you don’t stand for something, learn right now to stand for something. Because if you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything. So that’s why I can talk it, because I lived it. And let people know that even with courageous moves, the it’s it’s still a process that I’m going through that I still feel hurt and pain. Yeah, because I just explained what happened to me a month ago, and I’m still grieving, I still miss her. I want pictures of us when we were a family that he he refuses to give me. So me and my, my, my children don’t have anything of her. Or my dad. And so we’re just waiting on him and at the mercy of him and, and I’m I have to work on me, to allow God to fill my heart with continue to fill my heart with love and not bitterness and not hate and say this is a battle that I don’t want to fight. If it’s going to disrupt my peace like this. You have it. If you take this and just bring me peace with this. I have his Bible. So and I have her obituary, and I do have some, you know some pictures of us. Especially you know when she went to my kids graduation, and you know, I look at those and I just think about things that and a piece comes over me when I think about this I know it’s nothing but God is saying one thing that no one can take away from you is the memories. This is things that they instilled in you. It’s the thoughts.

Kimberly Bell 30:11
It’s the way now that you have become as a woman and a mother. And, and a grandmother is because of them people that raised you. They can’t take that away from you. So I tear up with that. But it’s a good to hear, because it’s a piece that God has allowed me to strengthen through this, through this journey. And one thing I’ve found, and I and I tried to express so much, because I’ve dealt with this so many times, and I really believe we as human beings deal with this too. I’m not responsible for anyone else’s actions or behaviors. Do they hurt? Yeah. Are they disappointing? Yes. But the only thing that I can control and and deal with is my responses is my actions is my behavior is how I choose to live my life. Under stress, I can’t I can’t do anything else. Yeah. But for years, and I know a lot of people have, I’ve dealt my emotions on feeling responsible, or in control of what people done, and say, and how they acted, and how they behaved. And for instance, just like I said, if I had continued with that mentality, and that depression and anxiety and an impulsive, Kim, a month ago, when that had happened, for no one to think about, how could Kim come to this conclusion in her life and live and that journey, and then be courageous enough to share it to the world of my first sexual Foundation, my misdiagnosis of PTSD missed PTSD to mild retardation of six years and resource of bullying and, and taunting and the silent cry, and then having a child at 15. And if this is the type of, if I wore that, what I felt at that funeral that no one cared for my birth mother to my paternal uncle, that was in it, he knew me, he knew that, you know, he, you know, he had a relationship with, you know, my mom, my mom, his sister, so he knew he was in and out the house, he, you know, I called him my uncle didn’t you know, so it’s not like, you know, you did not know me, but for you to act and to behave and feel my heart was such disappointment and hurt. Had I not invested in me and had God to really start healing the process of not being responsible for what people do and say, I would have went off, I would have went in Andrew. Yeah

Victoria Volk 32:58
I think that’s what happens in a lot of situations.

Kimberly Bell 33:01
And that’s what exactly because all that builds up. And that release hasn’t been able to be dealt with and deal with and accept that. This is just a part of life, we have no control of what people will say do or at, towards us. None. But it all has an impact it but it all has an impact.

Victoria Volk 33:24
And that is the thing we all, every single one of us. Yeah. creates an impact in other people’s lives. Right. And we have the choice. what that impact is, there you go. That’s where personal responsibility. That is. That is owning your feelings. Yes. letting that be okay. But giving people the grace to to have their own feelings.

Kimberly Bell 33:51
Yes. Yeah, absolutely. Right. And not because like you were saying, there’s people that would not been able to take and give up. Totally give up. I’ve been there just give up. Want to give in, wanting to tap out? It’s no way. I mean, I remember that one of the last relationships. I was like, I’m at this age 40 Something my life is no way. I want to start all over again. Why? For what, you know what I mean, just let me tap out. I don’t want to have to even deal with this pain of having to regroup. You know, but it’s so much worse. The best gift I could ever gave myself was giving myself the gift to invest in me to love me.

Victoria Volk 34:42
I just got goosebumps, because that is truly I mean, really what it comes down to right? Is we always seem to look for everybody else to give us what really we may not have ever been taught how to give ourselves. Right. Right Self Love is the best love, right? That’s love.

Kimberly Bell 35:03
Yeah. Yes. And then when you do get that self love that best love that only you can give, I am just so confident with hope and faith that I’ll get that reciprocated. I don’t have to look for it in a calm.

Victoria Volk 35:22
I heard the quote just the other day actually yesterday, in fact, you attract more flies with honey. Right? Be the honey. Yeah. And leave the legacy that is one you are proud of the impact of one that you’re proud of? Yes. And here’s the thing, you know, whether it’s your uncle, whether it’s your mother, your biological mother, or whoever it is, we all bring our perspective in our personal experience and our, our lens of the world to situations and really, that just reveals that he has work to do. And when you have somebody like yourself that can really rub people the raw, you know what I mean? Really, honestly, like that’s the that’s the impact that we that you have, like, once you have gotten to a place where things that ruffled your feathers once upon a time don’t anymore. It people take notice of that and like in their energy bumps into your energy and their energy is like, well, aren’t you high and mighty? Or aren’t you don’t really mean like people? Can they interpret that as either indifference or Pollyanna or better than, you know, people can interpret those interpret that however, and that’s not your responsibility?

Kimberly Bell 35:24
Exactly Yes, exactly. What my responsibility is only, like you were saying, I love that word, only my own aura, my own love for me. My own confidence in me my own self worth in me, you know, only my own peace. I fight hard for it. So why don’t I fight? Hard to keep it? I do. And, you know, it’s just the process that I worked on me to get there, too, you know,

Victoria Volk 37:30
And I bet you feel empowered? I do. I don’t it’s disempowering to give that away. And either, right?

Kimberly Bell 37:37
Yes, I do. One of I did ended up. It was so therapeutic to, I did write a tribute. And that’s on my website, I wrote a tribute to my mom. And it just so happened, my birth mom had to read it, mind you. I wasn’t on the program. And I wasn’t able to do anything at the funeral. But she was in the program to do the obituary reading. And all the knowledge was in the cards. So I had to give my daughter had to give her whoever was on the program to do that. The tripping. And it just so happened to get in her hands.

Victoria Volk 38:12
Well, isn’t that full circle?

Kimberly Bell 38:13
Exactly so but getting back to the tribute, I remember it, you know, you just you just did a light bulb that came out when I was writing this. And I had a statement that was in the tribute that I said to her you know, I remember getting in the bathtub, you know, she she was one of the best scrub the back scrubbers ever because she was you know, she’s so old school. So I’m gonna scrub the bark off your back. But I don’t mean to be so heavy handed. But it felt so good. Because, you know, it was just like my little poor but but she said a phrase I never forget when I put that in the tribute She said your little frail, timid, timid Thank you are, you’re just a little frail to the thick and, you know, as I’m writing this is still so therapeutic. I’m laughing as I’m writing it. And I said it wasn’t for you and daddy bill because that’s what I called them. i What how you are raised me now has turned out to be the strongest and the courageous person in the world. So see how that we how that the you know, the investment. And as you said, until I started only that, even though I’m not responsible for how it affects anybody else. My silence or you know, my lack of silence my you know, my voice and my truth is regardless whether it you know, rubs anybody so one way is that I am so glad and it’s just such a blessing that an investment has taken into my life through experiences and through people that has raised me and that has loved me loved me their way But love me that I am able to, as you said, Now feel empowered. And I am not that frail, timid person, but it was because of those two that started that investment in me. So yeah.

Victoria Volk 40:17
And I think too, like when we’re talking to other family, or we’re talking to people, or we’re sharing our voice, as long as you’re sticking to how you felt in that moment, or how you felt at that time, or, you know, basic, you’re really just sharing your story of it. Right? People can argue that, right? There’s no argument there. Right? You know,

Kimberly Bell 40:41
I never in this crazy because none no one. Now my sister got a copy, you know, she she’s said, you know, she loved me, you know, she never, you know, spoke in details about the about the book, but no one from the family that have made me feel that they were kind of rubbed the wrong way for me exposing my true for whatever, have came to me and, and asked for me to explain anything. Like I said, they’re in that generation, where, you know, that’s how you felt. That’s how you felt. But my thing is, I’m ready. And I’m determined. And this is what I had been doing from 15 is breaking the generational curse, even with my minor. She gets upset and I said, mine. Yeah. Are you sad? Are you angry, that was never talked about or heard of, when I was growing up, you do not tell you do not even act like you’re mad or angry. First of all, in the Bible, it said, you know, they were very strict about the Bible, you don’t get angry, you don’t. And you know, you get mad, you know, mad at, you know, pretty much as a sin, you know, violence or whatever. But that emotion part point was definitely put on the back burner. Because as a child or as a child, you’re not taught that emotions are real. And they are valid, you know. And so I have clearly took a stand against that and gave my children that nugget that it is okay to be sad, it’s okay to be disappointed. It’s okay. And it’s okay to talk about it as you were talking about, and it’s okay to share. And, um, how you feel even with me, sometimes I even have to come because now I’m adult, I’m loving and mothering adult children, and, and a minor, which is quite different. But I remember even saying to my son, we had gotten in a little conversation and it didn’t, didn’t go too well that I had to come back to him and let him know that, you know, I apologize if I said it wrong, where you didn’t understand where I was coming from. And it really made you feel the way you felt. But this is what I met. And then I concluded with him by saying this, Emanuel, and this is my adult son, my only only once one son. I said, besides me being your mother, understand, I am also a woman that I’m not perfect. I’m still treading this process. And I make mistakes too. But I’m also a woman, not just her mother, you know? Yeah. So it’s breaking that generational curse where you know, the communication. It’s like you said, it’s okay. I tell you, No, I’m, I’m 47 years old and saying to even myself, it’s okay to not be okay to that. Just before my mother passed away, I had to celebrate. And it was crazy, because this year, and he died in 97. When my adopted dad’s birthday came up. That was in March. I’m looking at his Bible and he has an I have his little obituary in the Bible when that day came. And I was just, I was just like, not a good day.

Kimberly Bell 44:14
I need a minute. I need a day I need from and I’m gonna give myself guess what Kim I’m giving myself permission to be sad. Just today for a few hours and think about if he was here, how he would have been proud of me how I would have been able to say, you know, daddy, Bill, look at this or, you know, he wasn’t able to see the youngest video and and hear him saying Kimmy, but it’s gonna be alright. It’s gonna be alright, you got this. It’s gonna be okay, you know? And I just kept you know, the tears just kept rolling. And I was like, I’m gonna give myself the time to cry. And it was just like, because so much had happened over the year and here the book and here March was his birthday, that I gave myself permission and being okay to celebrate my way, mourn my way. And like I said, I’m breaking that generation generational generational curses were growing up from an denominational church and religion was our main, our top umbrella is that you leave a lot of emotions and you trust God and you pray and you fast and you, you know, speak in tongues, and God is, God is the healer of all. And when go to outside sources, no, you know, which it’s not that way. It’s not that way all the time, I have felt so much love, throughout this whole year, that from people that doesn’t even look like me inspiring and telling my story, and it’s been healing, it’s been therapeutic for me, because I’m receiving, especially especially, I’m receiving what has already been given and created for me. And that is that unconditional love that love that once we talked about earlier that I didn’t have to buy, that I didn’t have to be not nothing but Kim. And they’re receiving and saying I’m supporting, you know what I mean, I’m not getting, I didn’t get it from all my family members. You know, I got it from my, you know, my, my, all my immediate, you know, my children, but I’m just giving a point where to listeners that it may not even come from what you, you were where you would want it to come from, or even look like you. But embrace it, I had to learn to embrace it. And I’m telling you, this has been I have had so many sisters, you know, and been on interviews and podcasts male and female that has poured their love out and support that I felt it, I didn’t hate it, you know, and I’m just like, you know, this is what life is all about, you know, loved us definitely doesn’t have a color, and it doesn’t have a gender. But it is created for us to receive. were created in love and it is for us to receive and I’m just so happy that I’m able to express that and inspire to someone that um, don’t shortchange yourself, don’t cut it off, because it doesn’t look like you, it doesn’t feel like it should come from there. Because that’s just not the way life is. That’s just not the way like this.

Victoria Volk 47:33
I love to all of that so much. I have this thought, recently, actually, like when you have a challenging situation, and I did not that long ago. And I thought to myself, What would love do, you know, we can still have boundaries, we can still act from a place of love. We can share our voice and our feelings from a place of love and compassion. And with grace, right? And I’m curious if as a child, you were like, do you look at yourself as a Do you consider yourself as a highly sensitive person? Yeah, so I am too. And I, my childhood did not make sense until probably three years ago. And so when you were talking about, you know, these big feelings as a kid and having these big feelings, and I think that’s where sometimes like, I don’t think my mom either knew what to do with my big feelings. You know, so it was no, you’re not going to cry. If you want to cry, I’ll give you something to cry about. So I’d go under my bed to cry or I’d go in the linen closet to cry. You know, I just never expressed or shared myself. I didn’t have the safety and the freedom to do that. Right. And, but I am curious. And I was going to ask this after we were done recording but I’m just going to ask this. When what was was your dad’s birthday? Dad Bill, you said March.

Kimberly Bell 49:01
Yeah, March. Yeah, no, listen, March. Hold on. Let me get my calendar. But March is that crazy weather right?

Victoria Volk 49:12
Yeah, it’s like that in between

Kimberly Bell 49:14
Where it does it you know, the you never know whether it will comes

Victoria Volk 49:20
Comes in like a lion goes out like a lion at first. Yep. I was just because I’m not sure what the changes in the astrology but I was gonna say if he’s a Pisces. I’m a Pisces. He gets the feelings piece. And that’s probably what he was bringing into his relationship with you. Yeah, it’s that the deep feeling of a Pisces?

Kimberly Bell 49:46
Yeah, I’m so glad and her birthday and her birthday is in June. But I’m so glad that he he said that balance of the feelings. He said that balance and so the feeling is they We’re gonna get when I was probably eight or nine. I know I was young. Of course I’m my skin is a lot darker than them. And they would my, my biological well my adopted mom would say, you don’t look like us now in which was true, but she wasn’t intentionally saying things to hurt me but this these are things like like I said back in a generational, they they felt like children or children were you could say whatever and they didn’t know they don’t absorb things as a sponge. But she said, you know you don’t look like us and they were they their their color was much lighter than mine. But this is you don’t look like us. But you’re ours. You know, you’re you’re you’re a girl, you know, you belong to us. And you might have the bigger nose, you might have the gloves, but so I started not liking my features. But I remember like, it was yesterday. My dad sensed a feeling over me once she said it. That depressed. My look of myself. Now I’m not I’m a child. I’m young. I’m not even a teenager. But he says that, where he stopped me one day because I don’t know what how I was moving around or whatever. But he stopped me one day he said, Kimmy, is that I want you to know something. He said the world needs your smile. You have a beautiful smile. He said stop covering yourself. Do you smile for Daddy never never, never brought up what she said about my features or whatever. But she ballots when he said that? I never forgot. And I put that in my in my head along with what she said. And let me tell you something, that ballots helped me find some peace and build on my self esteem from that comment that he said that embed into my spirit. Yeah. So it’s very tempting, isn’t it? Very nice.

Victoria Volk 52:11
Something once one simple,

Kimberly Bell 52:13
One comment. Yeah, comment. Now. Now. Now here this I didn’t forget about what my mother said. But if it had not if he had never said that comment about my smile, I would probably been, you know, had to deal with so many more issues of my physical attributes that I call beautiful attributes now. Yeah. So Yeah.

Victoria Volk 52:35
Sounds like he was a very intuitive man. Yes. Is there anything else that you would like to share?

Kimberly Bell 52:44
What comes to mind, I have believe it’s eight or I believe is eight affirmations that I thought of that. It’s on my website that you can download for free. But one of them has come to mind as I kept talking to you is that I have learned to do and consistently try to remember not to do is to expect to see the me and other people. I’m just uniquely created the way I am. And I’m owning, you know, given the biggest gift of me have invested in me but not expected and not seen the me and other people not being responsible for it either.

Victoria Volk 53:25
It’s beautiful. One question. What would you say grief has taught you your grief has taught you?

Kimberly Bell 53:34
You can find strength in it. You’ll find strength in it. If you allow yourself to choose, you’ll find strength and

Victoria Volk 53:43
If you choose Yes, and it really does truly come down to choice. Yeah. So where can people find you if they’d like to connect with you and find their find your book?

Kimberly Bell 53:53
Okay, well, I have a Facebook Kimberly Bell and I’m on Instagram, Kimberly bell at Crimson Kimberly Bell and I have this website that is just truly my baby. I love it. I have such an awesome team and your website. Yes, the website is www.kimberlyannebell. Kimberly anvil, Kimberly anvil and with the E though.com. And you’ll see the book right there the memoir of the epitome of Kimmy the memoir, accept and embrace it all. And I the book is found on Amazon and good reads and you can contact me off the website. A speaker I travel I also do mentoring sessions. One of the mentoring sessions is titled accept and embrace it all. And another one is balance beam of life. So I’m just I’m just so excited about the season in my life. So

Victoria Volk 54:53
I love it. I bet your kids are very proud of you too.

Kimberly Bell 54:56
They are and I proud of them. I keep saying you guys rock because you guys rock I rock

Victoria Volk 55:03
But you know, it’s like, don’t you feel just so much more at peace as a parent to just take comfort in knowing that you are breaking the chains and this the cycle of because I think what I wanted to say too is you what you did was you challenge the beliefs, and you know, the beliefs that you were born into whether they were self limiting beliefs or whether it was beliefs passed down to you. But it’s when we challenge those beliefs that we find our own truth. Yes. So thank you for sharing your truth today.

Kimberly Bell 55:36
Thank you for allowing me to share. Thank you for so much for your platform. Thank you.

Victoria Volk 55:43
And I’ll put all the links in the show notes. So look there if you want to connect with Kim, Kimmy, Kimberly, what do you prefer? Is by Kim All right, so And remember, when you unleash your hearts, you unleash your life. Much love

Ep 118 | How to Grieve

Takeaways & Reflections | How To Grieve

 

SHOW NOTES SUMMARY: 

People say you have to move on or that you should “be over it by now.” However, no one tells you or shows you how to do it.

For me, after struggling to get beyond the pain of my trauma and losses for 30+ years, the Grief Recovery Method was the how.

Naysayers and doubters are welcome. 🤗 I was a skeptic, too. How could a process or method help me move on from the pain after sitting in it for 30+ years?

I went into it with some doubt, convinced I would, at the very least, learn new tools, knowledge, and information I could use to help others. However, what I got was so much more. The program and my experience through it (albeit emotionally challenging and, at times, draining) exceeded my expectations.

In this week’s episode, I explore the phrase “How To Grieve…” We all find our way through the messiness of life and the grief that comes with it. However, what if there was an evidence-based process that cuts through the crap, gets to the heart of the story of what happened (the emotion and what’s emotionally incomplete as a result), and brings with it peace within at the end of it. What would that experience be worth to you? Furthermore, what is doing nothing, or what you’ve always done, costing you?

RESOURCES:

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Short-Term Energy Relieving Behaviors

Many years ago I started creating my own blend with TEECCINO and if you haven’t heard of TEECCINO it is good for you stuff in there. It’s figs and chicory and basically the thing I think chicory root is what gives coffee its flavor. And that’s in Ticino but there’s, it’s kind of it’s an herbal coffee basically. And it’s got prebiotic. They also have teas. But anyway, I’ve been drinking this for years. And it helps to lower the acidity of regular coffee and it doesn’t give me the jitters like too much caffeine straight coffee would like I have now because I actually met a friend for lunch and just had too much straight black coffee. So anyway, that’s my tangent on coffee but I can tie that in grief because you know just like alcohol I suppose great that coffee can be a STERB for people, short-term energy-relieving behavior, right? Or we might indulge in a daily real sugary coffee drink to feel better if we’re having a bad day whether we reach for an alcoholic beverage or something sugary coffee drink that can be a STERB it can be something that you feel like you need to feel better at that moment. So I can tie everything to grief but I just remember a time to where my mom was struggling she would sit at the cot at the kitchen table and she would be drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes one after the other.

How to Grieve

Today I want to talk about how to grieve. And I actually Googled it. And it’s interesting what comes up and at the top of it, the search comes Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services. S.A. M. H. S. A ‘s national helpline was created for family members of people with alcohol abuse or drug abuse problems. I find that interesting that when I search how to grieve that that’s the first thing that pops up at the top. And I’ll say that if you are struggling with substance use problems, or you have in the past or someone you know or love is, it’s likely that grief is at the root of that. I’ll just leave that there. But here are some other things that come up. Helpguide.org – has a post titled coping with grief and loss. It’s a helpful guide. WebMD – What is normal grieving? And what are the stages of grief?

I’ve talked about Stages of Grief on this podcast before in fact, Ken Ross, the son of Elisabeth Kubler Ross, who developed these five stages, which was about people who are struggling with their own terminal illness diagnosis was on the podcast a while back. University of Washington healthy grieving, Counseling Center grief is in the first line here says “grief is a normal and natural response to loss”. That is what we share in Grief Recovery. Betterup.com has a blog post on how to process grief and find healthy ways to overcome loss And npr.org  grief for beginners: five things to know about processing loss. So this one had me curious, and I clicked on it. And there is one part in particular that caught my attention and talked about if, after a year, you feel stuck, you could be moving into what’s called quotations complicated grief. And I just find that unhelpful to label any phase of grief.

Complicated Grief

Complicated grief – is acute grief that interferes with daily function more than a year later.

And my thing is, when I think about that, and read that as if the year prior was uncomplicated, right, it’s as if the first year is not complicated, right? And it’s like, I think that has to be the most complicating gear because you’re thrown into it, right? You’re it’s like, you feel like you’re in a small fishing boat out on the sea, and there’s a storm, right, you just feel like you’re being whipped each way and not knowing which way is up and it rocks your world, you are thrown completely off kilter when you know a big loss occurs, and doesn’t have to be a big loss, either. I mean, that’s the thing. It’s like you can have a hope or a dream, completely be taken away by something that happens where your dream will not be realized. Because something that occurred that makes that impossible.

And people might say, well, “nothing’s impossible” Well, for instance, my son wanted to join the Marines. And he had an accident that completely severed his pancreas. And that is impossible. He cannot join the military. He has a severed pancreas. So that is an impossible dream. That’s grief as well. It’s a loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations is grief. To say that there’s a complicated phase of grief, I just feel like it’s all complicated. And I feel like too, this part that says “acute grief that interferes with daily function more than a year later” so if it’s after a year, and you’re still having these issues, it’s still just grief. And I don’t mean just, it’s still grief period.

Fooling Ourselves and Believing We Are Fine

And I think we fool ourselves into believing or thinking that we are fine. And so we go about out our daily lives, let’s say 23456 years into grief after a loss or after a dream is shattered, go about our lives. And we think we’re fine. If people ask you “Hey how are you doing? And you say I’m fine. In Grief Recovery, we say fine as feelings inside not expressed. So if we haven’t addressed emotionally, what happened in the past, it’s always going to be there, it’s always going to show up, whenever we get our feathers to get ruffled by someone else, whether we’re trying to make a living, starting a new business, whether we become parents for the first time, or maybe first time to teenagers, because trust me, I’m in the trenches of that. And it is no joke. Our grief grows with us. 

I think we’re fooling ourselves into this narrative that we are fine. And we put on this front, that we are fine. When really, it’s impacting every area of our lives, but we don’t connect the dots, we don’t see the repetitive behaviors or the beliefs that we have about our grief, or our story of what happened or about our past.

If we haven’t found a resolution to that if we’re continually searching for meaning to what happened, looking for the answer as to why like Why me, like if we’re always looking for that, or we’re looking to someone else to fill that gap, we haven’t addressed our grief. But we fool ourselves by believing we have because things might be going well for a time. But as soon as that next loss comes, or as soon as someone says something that just really pains us or hurts us, we’re pulled back in time. And if that happens, then you have unresolved grief. There’s something coming up there to be sat with. And if we don’t sit with it, or we sit with it and then we stay there. That’s not good, either. One of the suggestions and I 100% agree with this, is you want to keep moving between feeling the grief, feeling the sadness, and feeling the pain to restoration. It’s feeling it’s ping-ponging, as this article says between the two and as long as you’re doing that, you are moving forward.

Move Forward with your Grief

One of my podcast guests here on the show, had said one time and I’ve never forgotten it, it’s really stuck with me. I’ve used her phrase many times, and I give her full credit. And she says “when you lay you decay”. She herself had gone through Grief Recovery. And it changed her grief, it transformed her grief for her. And it is true when we lay we decay. And so if we’re not constantly moving that constant, I hate to say that. And if we are not in motion with our grief, then it’s probably overtaking us. It’s filtering into all areas of our lives. Or not working through it and processing it or not digesting it.

Ram Dass shared, he had a coach or someone he had been working with who has a program that talks about emotional constipation. And we become emotionally constipated in our grief if we just sit with it way too long as if we’re wallowing in it. And that’s healthy for a time. It is healthy to sit with it. But if you’re not coming to that restorative aspect of it, if it’s not something that’s propelling you, okay? I’m feeling this way at this moment, today is not a good day, you know, it could be an anniversary, the anniversary of the person’s death or the anniversary, your life together that you started, maybe it’s your wedding anniversary, or their birthday, you know, we have these special days that we share with people. And when those come around, and that person is no longer here, those are really difficult days, and rightfully so that person’s not here, there’s a void, but we can’t fill that void with other things or other people ever. But to sit in that gap, to stay in the gap is not moving us forward either doesn’t move us forward.

It can be the thing that propels us. I think we just, as they say, people who are struggling with substance abuse disorders might have their rock bottom. I think, for me, I had a rock bottom with my grief. And I think we all get to that point, eventually, where there’s just only so much you can take emotionally, that was true for me. And I was pretty slow to the party. It took me almost till I was 40 to come to the party. To realize that my potential was suffering there was more cost to me not addressing my grief than I realized I had the cost of my potential, I had the cost of my ability to make money. I had, and it was costing me the ability to be the best parent I could be. It was costing me real relationships, and friendships. Because I took things to heart. I thought people were out to get me. I just analyze things to death. I spun my wheels on things that really didn’t matter.

Grief is Always There

So many different aspects of my life were costing me by not addressing my grief by not facing it head-on. I feel like I’m facing it head on every single day, I look in the mirror and it’s right there staring right back at me. We are facing it every single day of our lives. Grief is always there. It’s always staring back at us. But we can choose how we perceive it in our lives. And I think that the shift that happened for me is I sought to change how I perceived my experiences, and how I felt about my experiences, I had to shift my perspective of my own story. It’s really hard to do by yourself.

My dear friend Patsy says all the time, she’s been a guest on this podcast, too. “You can’t see the label from inside the jar” Just like every single guest Martika Whylly, Reid Peterson, Phil Cohen, every single one of them sought support and sought help. And so it doesn’t matter how you go about doing that, when you go about doing that. But I will say it’s never too late. And it’s never too soon.

Do I wish I would have come to that awareness in my 30s? The answer is yes, I do wish I would have come to that awareness before I had kids. I would have been a very different parent. I guarantee that. It’s so important that we learn how to grieve. Nobody knows how. We don’t come out of the womb knowing how to grieve but yes, we do. Yes, we do. Because as young children (under 3 years old)  we 1,000% express ourselves authentically. We know how to express ourselves. We cry, we throw tantrums. That is part of the growth. That is part of the development. Before we have words and language, we have the ability to emotionally express ourselves. But the world around us shuts us down. Nope, your anger is not welcome here. Your tantrum is not welcome here, you’re crying is not welcome here. You want to cry, I’ll give you something to cry about. You want to be angry, go to your room.

Emotional Expression

As a society, we have not learned that emotional expression is a part of growth is healthy. And that there are positive ways that we can do so. And we aren’t taught those positive ways that we aren’t taught that all feelings and emotions are valid, that anger is valid. So if you’re like me and you stuffed your anger, it’s almost like you get to begin to get canker sores, you know, bite your tongue. It cankers sores or, or whatever you’re going through Emotionally, it for me, it shows up as canker sores, I get stressed, I get a canker sore. That, that’s how stress manifests in my body. For some people, it might be increased blood pressure or heart disease.

We have enough stuff that happens to us traumatic experiences or just life itself, the pressures of you know, just being a human being in a relationship with people brings up a lot of stuff. And if we’re not emotionally, working towards becoming emotionally intelligent, and understanding and knowing ourselves, then half the battle is just knowing ourselves. Which grief makes really difficult. That makes grief makes that a difficult task. And knowing and understanding ourselves, especially if you were a child griever. And you’ve grown up with your grief. It takes a lot of skill and learning and education and trial and error to really kind of discern what you need and when you need it. When you grew up with grief.

Virgin River Show

I’ve been watching the show on Netflix called Virgin River. And I actually finished all the seasons. I finished watching and I thought, What is the theme or what is like the similarities with all of these characters, for the most part, they’re all emotionally intelligent people like the characters are written as being emotionally intelligent, expressive with their emotions honest about how they feel. And I’m just thinking, gosh, imagine if everybody talked this way. Imagine if society really was this emotionally intelligent. And I’m thinking this is not real life. This is not how society really actually is. But I spring this up because I think that you can learn a lot through the stories and how the show is written. And how the characters speak to one another. And dealing with situations I found it fascinating how grief is a real central theme of the show and how the show has been written, the characters have almost been written around the aspect of grief and challenging situations, and although a lot of the situations aren’t like, like a typical day to day life.

Grief Recovery Changed Many Lives

I think there’s a lot to learn in just how we communicate with each other, openly and honestly. And that’s really what Grief Recovery is all about, too. It’s learning new communication and finding the language. And expressing how we feel with this about this new language.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. But there is a way and people say you have to move on, people say you should just be over it by now. But no one really tells you how. And for me personally, I found the how with Grief Recovery. And that’s why I’m so passionate about it. It’s changed my life. It’s changed countless other people’s lives. And perhaps it could work for you as well. We don’t know what we don’t know. And when we’ve tried everything else, what else do we have to lose? A lot, actually. Because every year that passes, our grief is costing us the pain of our grief is costing us. And so there is a way to move beyond the pain of grief will always have sadness, no doubt. But it’s the pain that is really what is perpetuating the behaviors and the patterns and our beliefs that keep us from creating the change we desire, learning new tools, new skills, new knowledge, and with action. Because knowledge without action is just knowledge. This program is all about empowering you and taking action. And that’s a beautiful thing.

much love, victoria

P.S. At the end of November, I will be launching an online group program. And if you’re interested, stay tuned to upcoming episodes, takeaways, and reflections, I’ll probably put in updates and things on that. But if you’d like to stay in the loop on those on that program coming up, then I invite you to go into the show notes. And I have a link to my bi-weekly newsletter called The unleashed letters, where I share content not shared anywhere else, I get a little bit more personal there. And I share business updates there too. So I recommend that if you’re interested in learning more about the online group program coming up be sure to subscribe to The Unleashed Letters or listen to my upcoming takeaways and reflections episodes.