Childhood Grief, Grief, Grief Stories, Grieving Voices Podcast, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness, Pespective, Resources, Spirituality |
How Do You Know When You’re Healing?
Once upon a time, 2016’ish, to be more precise, I thought I was doing pretty well emotionally. I had officially closed my boutique photography studio, started a blog, and was writing regularly about what I had learned and experienced throughout the previous two years. I had also hired a life coach, was reading a lot of self-help books and landed a job that matches my desire for flexibility and variety. Things were on the up and up and, I was optimistic about my future. However, for two years straight, I felt like a trainwreck.
During those two years, as my health declined, and I felt like I was never going to do anything meaningful with my life (being a mom wasn’t enough for me), it was a discovery process of what I needed to address emotionally, what wasn’t working in my life, and what I needed to change. This was also on the heels of unaddressed post-partum depression. And ultimately, what started to happen was decades of unresolved grief started to manifest in my business and life during that time, too.
Fast-forward to 2017, after three years of personal development work, an opportunity fell into my lap and the book that I longed to write was starting to come to fruition. My dream of one day writing a book was actually becoming a reality! Nearly every weekday morning, for two months straight, I got up at 5:30 AM to write. Then, while in the editing phase of the book, I would be hit with a loss that would bring up the deepest, unaddressed wound I had – the loss of my dad. My dad’s only living brother, and the one whom my dad was closest to, had brain cancer. And, the moment I heard the news that he was in the hospital, I decided right then I needed to see him, despite the thirty years that had passed since my dad’s funeral, which was the last time I ever saw him. So, the same day of receiving the news, I went to see him; not knowing if he’d want to see me, recognize me, or even if he was well enough to have a conversation. With a knock on that hospital door, the trajectory of my life would change, solely on that one decision, to knock on his hospital door. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and yet, I felt with every intuitive bone in me, that was exactly where I was meant to be.
The visit was incredibly healing, and the timing divine, because within fifteen minutes of my arrival, his daughter and niece arrived, neither of whom I’d seen since a kid. We were all shocked to see each other there and it was a moment I will never forget. And, the months that followed, were the greatest gift to my heart, as I would be gifted with several more visits with my uncle, and with his passing, I had felt we both received a gift we hadn’t expected, and one that would have never been possible had I not chosen to put my ego aside, risk my own heart, and knock on that door.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, grief makes us feel like we don’t have choices. Let this story illustrate to you that we always, always have a choice. And, doing nothing is a choice, too. That one act led to me realizing that I wasn’t okay. The inner-work that I had been doing up to that point, albeit not wasted, hadn’t actually addressed the root of all of my issues – the grief! It was that experience with my uncle that prompted a Google search that landed me on The Grief Recovery Institute website, which led to me registering for certification that was later canceled (I couldn’t believe it), that led to me booking a flight to Austin, TX to do my training there scheduled for the same time. I knew what I needed and I wasn’t about to let anything stop me at that point. Again, I had another choice to make. Do I take that cancelation as the end-all, be-all option? Or, do I find the resources to make, what I knew I intuitively was guided to, happen no matter the extra cost? I obviously chose the latter. Again, I had a decision to make; I could choose to live in my grief another year, which is what it would’ve been before another training within driving distance would’ve taken place, or answer the call of my heart. Thankfully, I chose wisely and, my heart has not been the same since.
It was not until after grief recovery where I knew I was healing. Surprise! But, it’s absolutely the truth. Because, for the first time in my life, I was able to have conversations I had never been able to have with the people closest to me, and not find myself a wreck for days that followed. The more I utilized the tools and knowledge of grief recovery, the less I looked to others to give me what I needed to be giving myself (love, affirmation, validation, etc.). My confidence started to grow and my self-awareness was through the roof. It was as if the veil of grief (which I’ve spoken about on my podcast) had been lifted and, I was seeing my life (past and present) with new eyes. I had the most life-changing experience when I went through the grief recovery method. And, it’s in knowing how hard it is to do the work, how emotionally and physically taxing it feels in the process, that I can guide others through the same process. It is anything but easy. And, it brings up stuff that you thought was long buried. However, in grief, you’re already suffering. You may as well be suffering and moving your feet. You may as well be moving one foot in front of the other, knowing that week by week of going through the process, you’re shedding another layer, and lifting that veil of grief higher and higher, until you, too, see clearly. Grief recovery is a clarifier of your life, a purifier of your heart, and allows you to be an emotional processing plant rather than the emotional storage tank you have been.
10 Ways You Know You’re Healing Emotionally
You find yourself changing your behaviors. Where you used to get angry about something someone said/did, you can step back from the situation and consider why that reaction provoked you. You may also be choosing healthier options in food, drink, or even friends.
You’ve discovered what your boundaries are and have implemented them in your relationships and life.
You’re no longer a pile of tears in the fetal position after you start talking about a story of loss or something that happened to you.
You no longer feel the need to share the story with anyone who will listen. By this, I mean that you’re not sharing with the intention of needing or getting something in return: sympathy, validation, affirmation, etc. You find yourself sharing because 1. you were asked 2. because you have found your way beyond the pain and want to share to inspire and connect. You understand grief because you’ve been there. You understand life beyond it, too, though, because it no longer dictates your life either.
When other people share their emotional stories, it doesn’t bring up your emotional pain thereby, causing an emotional reaction in you.
You see opportunities where there was once fear.
You feel hopeful about your future.
You find yourself pausing, bringing awareness to your feelings, before responding to situations or people with your emotions. The phrase I tell myself, “I don’t know what I don’t know” is my go-to to help me with this one.
When wounds from the past, that you long thought you buried, come up out of the blue, rather than resort to the same behaviors you used to, to feel better at that moment, you sit with all of the feelings, and seek support or help to work through it.
You ask for help. We do not heal on an island. We heal in community with others; with support, guidance, and a heart with ears.
I hope today’s blog post provided some good insight into healing; that it’s a journey of self-discovery and every choice you make can either make or break your path to healing your heart.
We go to the doctor when we have a broken bone. We go to the dentist when we have a broken tooth. And yet, when we have a broken heart, we somehow think we can intellectually and logically heal hearts.
You can’t heal the heart with the head. You must tap into your heart. It is necessary to dig up the past if you want to heal it. Those that feel differently about that are likely not ready (or willing) to face what has long been emotionally unresolved within themselves.
My word of caution to all those hurting today reading this: be careful who you take your advice from; it could potentially be more harmful and hurtful to your healing. Many people value freedom. However, where most people miss the mark is understanding that the most difficult prison to break free from is the prison of one’s own mind. Being attentive to your heart will bring you the kind of freedom that can’t be bought. The caveat? You have to choose to do the difficult inner-work to get there. And, doing that is also choosing a more fulfilling, emotionally stable, and joy-filled life.
P.S. TODAY, 6/11, is the ONE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY of my podcast GRIEVING VOICES!!! 📣🥳Thank you so much for listening, sharing, reviewing, rating, being a guest if you have been one (or are upcoming), and overall support! I am a one-woman show when it comes to the podcast, and I’ve definitely learned a TON along the way. And to think, I was hesitant and unsure right away because I wasn’t sure anyone would want to share their stories. And now, people wanting to be guests pop up left and right. And, if you are wanting to be a guest, and share your story, please head HERE and fill out this form. I don’t care if you’re an expert in a field or not; the premise of the show is to share your grieving voice and story. Everything beyond that is secondary.
Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Grieving Voices Podcast, Mind/Body Wellness, Resources |
In my work with clients in grief recovery over the past few weeks, my clients and I have talked a lot about the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations. And, anything they wish would’ve been (or would be) different, better, or more.
So many people believe that grief is only an experience after someone dies. When in reality, no one has to die for you to grieve. Recently, during a consultation, the client shared that after listening to my podcast episode about the myths of grief, they realized that their life experience was, at the root of it all, grief. And, they had plenty of grief-causing experiences, too. And, another area of grief that’s come up with my clients lately has been how, in their relationships (and we all do this), both they and their significant others are bringing their luggage of what they wish had been different, better, or more in their lives, well before the relationship even started.
What happens when you have two people get together that both have unresolved grief? You get a simmering pot of unexpressed anger, sadness, resentment, fear, insecurities, you name it, that all come together. Circling back to the luggage analogy, and as I shared with my client, it’s as if you both dump your bags of luggage onto a bed, and your stuff mixes with their stuff and then something happens that shakes up the relationship, so you go to grab your stuff again, however, by that point, it’s hard to know what’s yours and what’s theirs anymore.
If every person who’s had a past that’s created emotional dis-ease and emotional restlessness and discontent were to address the grief itself (and calling it for what it is – grief) at the root, before getting into an intimate relationship with another, then we’d have happier and more emotionally stable homes, communities, and world. And more importantly, the children of our world wouldn’t become the byproducts of adult emotional pain.
I challenge you to look at who you are today and consider how the wounds of your past have shaped the decisions and behaviors you’ve resorted to, in an attempt to feel better, and how those decisions and behaviors have impacted others throughout your life. When we’re overcome with a long-standing undercurrent of grief, we easily become stuck in that “woe is me” mindset. As that quote goes, we can’t see the label from inside the jar. In other words, take your blinders off and look at what you’re trying so hard not to see.
What do you wish would have been (or would be) different, better, or more in your life?
A big hug from me to you, my friend. 💛
P.S. On 6/23 at 8 PM CST, I will be offering up a FREE, live event! It will not be recorded, so you must attend live! If you want to make sure you don’t miss the announcement or the opportunity to register, my email list will be getting the info FIRST (and spots are limited) next week Wednesday (6/9) when my newsletter goes out. Want a heads-up sneak peek? Sign up HERE. 😊
Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Growth, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness, Personal, Pespective, Reiki, Resources |
What I Do & How I’m Different
Today, I thought I would speak about what I do, how I’m different, and the type of client I resonate most with.
What I Do
Through grief healing programs, I walk you through the process of being leashed to grief – to being unleashed and emotionally free.
Through online and in-person programs, trailblazers like you realize that the one area of your life that’s always had a background presence is the one area you’ve also never addressed (i.e., grief). You have not connected the dots that loss, suffering, and grief have negatively impacted your life. But, you recognize that the chip on your shoulder, the poison (i.e., resentment) you’re drinking, hoping the other person dies, and the anger that’s been stewing from years past isn’t helping you live the life you envisioned for yourself. You know it could be better; you just haven’t found the how.
That’s where I come in – empowering and equipping you to help yourself.
There is no magic pill, and what I have to offer isn’t that. However, it does feel like a magical formula that works in magical ways in your life. When paired together, I believe I have found two programs that will be the key to you becoming unleashed from your past and unlocking your future. They have certainly done that for me. And I have already seen amazing results for my clients. While the Grief Recovery Method® was the light at the end of the dark tunnel (the hope and guidance they needed to leave the pain in the rearview), YouMap® was the lantern that has illuminated their path forward.
With empathy as my number one strength and the driver of my life, my approach is heart-centered. Please take a peek at my own YouMap® and, it’s clear to me that I am fully aligned in the work that I do with every service I offer, including Reiki and End-of-Life services (which I have yet to bring to the forefront). What brings me fulfillment is being of service in a meaningful way. I love helping others unlock their own potential, and, for the vast majority of us, the secret sauce is addressing the very stuff of our hearts we try so desperately to avoid or bury. And, an area of service I have yet to share fully is to help those dying die in a way that honors their wishes, helps them and their loved ones feel supported, and provide guidance for end-of-life, in general. There’s so much to share I haven’t even gotten to yet!
On a final note that supports what I do, I am the only Advanced Grief Recovery Method Specialist in the world certified as a YouMap® coach and vice versa. And, because 1 in 33 million people share the same top 5 strengths as me (or you), it is a particular skill-set I bring to grievers and those who want to uplevel their lives (and, in turn, their energy).
Be The Trailblazer of Your Life
The trailblazer is the go-getter, the do-er, a maverick, of sorts. You know you’re meant for more but have found yourself, year after year, stuck in the same old patterns of behavior that, well, keep you stuck. You may be the CEO of your home, wrangling all of the kids to their activities, all the while, you’re time is consumed by PTO/PTA, church council, city board, and the care of the household. Perhaps, on top of all of those duties, you also work outside the home, or perhaps, you have your own business, too.
You know your life (and/or business/career) could be better. You know you have a hard time making decisions. You likely feel inadequate in some ways, and if in business especially, you struggle with people skills and time management. You’re often feeling scatter-brained, have difficulty focusing, and most days could use a personal secretary. All the while, it feels like everyone around you isn’t struggling like you are. They go about their day unaffected by the little things that seem to set you off into a tailspin. – life could be better. You want life to be better. You want to feel better about your life. You know there’s potential for amazing things to come to fruition, but all of that seems out of reach. And, you also recognize that there’s a good reason for the struggle. You just haven’t connected the dots – yet.
You may not see yourself as a trailblazer, but if there’s one thing I have learned doing this work myself and with others, it is with momentum, you will become one. Once you start paving your path and blazing your own trail, you realize there’s nothing that can stop you. And, you’ll also feel far more prepared for the curveballs and sh*t-storms that happen in the future when you have the tools you learn through Grief Recovery to fall back on and rather than respond, approach the situation with a proactive mindset because you will have learned how to prevent yourself from further unnecessary suffering (through the knowledge gained in your YouMap®).
Connecting the Dots
You may be drinking more than you know you should be some nights. However, given the stress and anxiety you feel, it brings you relief and an escape for a time. The credit card debt may be racking up because spending money on things you don’t need has become another past-time to feel better. As a result of the shame and added stress these other behaviors (or behaviors like these) are causing in your life, you’re quick to anger. So, to combat the conflict at home, you’re becoming a workaholic.
Consider the losses in your life since childhood. These losses stack up. From losing a beloved pet, a grandparent that was more like a parent to you, a traumatic experience, or growing up in a dysfunctional home – perhaps with an alcoholic or witnessing domestic violence – your upbringing impacts your decision-making well into adulthood.
The cure to understanding the who, what, and why is to dig deep – in a guided, supported way. Unlike years of therapy (which has its place) and popping pills, tipping the bottle, or relying on mantras and affirmations (although these do have their time and place, too) – grief recovery is action. Through grief recovery, you go emotional mining, however, not in a willy-nilly way. Through an evidence-proven method, you’re guided through your inner, emotional experiences, thereby transforming your outer experience.
If a transformation of your heart, and your life, is what you seek, there is hope. If, what you’ve been doing, hasn’t been working, seriously ask yourself what you believe to be true about your life with grief. Are you exhausted by the emotional weight you’re carrying?
That boulder can be lifted, believe me.
And, I promise you – grief recovery is unlike anything you’ve ever experienced. There is nothing else like it. It’s trademarked for a reason. Kent University studied it for a reason. It works. Experience the difference for yourself.
For those that believe you don’t have to look back to heal – I’m talking to you, too.
How has sweeping the pain under the rug been working for you?
I know it hasn’t because I did the same. And, because we’re all taught the same myths about grief, we’re all “under-the-rug-sweepers” to some degree.
Start sweeping your doorstep today, and you’ll see how the dust begins to settle in all areas of your life.
I’ve so been there, friend. I was you. It’s pretty amazing on the other side of the pain. I hope you join me.
P.S. Would you like to learn more? Schedule a free, no-obligation consultation!
Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Resources |
How To Support a Grieving Friend
Grief can be an incredibly overwhelming and lonely time. So, when someone you care for loses a loved one, they need your care and support more than ever.
There are many ways to show care and support for someone during times of grief. It can be hard to know what to say, and the fear of saying something wrong can sometimes keep you from being there when they need you most. You can help someone who is grieving by being compassionate, open, and willing to help; your presence alone shows your support.
Here are a few things to keep in mind.
Checking In
Make an effort to check in, even if it’s just a quick phone call or an invitation to grab coffee. You may be surprised by how much your check-ins can mean to a grieving friend. It can be a great comfort to even speak about things like headstones, funeral arrangements, and old memories in the early days after a loss. These conversations can spark ideas for how the friend wants to honor their loved one’s life. Obviously, they would rather their loved one be with them in the flesh, but talking these things out loud with a supportive friend can ease the burden of making so many decisions. You may ask, “How would your loved one love to be celebrated?” For some, their loved ones have already expressed what they would like, or may have even made their own arrangements.
Regardless, checking in and being prepared to sit with them is kind to do when you’re unsure what to do.
Listen More And Talk Less
When you are with someone who is grieving, it can be hard to know what to say. You will naturally try to make your friend feel better. However, in a situation such as grief, talking excessively doesn’t help, and it can actually do more harm than good.
Instead, pay attention to how much you talk compared to how much you listen. Your friend will feel more benefit from talking about their feelings. Be there to listen to their thoughts and feelings, showing compassion for what they are feeling.
Deep, active listening is a skill. If you find yourself wandering off and lose track of where the person was in their sharing, be honest about it. Apologize for not being fully present in that moment. It’s not rude to ask them to repeat what they shared, but it is rude to pretend like you’re listening when you’re not. This is why I shared above: if you ask how they’re doing, be prepared to sit with them and genuinely care to know the answer.
Tip: If you are struggling to listen, it can help to focus consciously on each word coming out of their mouth.
Allow Them To Cry
One of the most important areas of the grieving process is showing deep sadness and allowing yourself to cry. Letting your friend cry shows them you understand that crying is a necessary part of the grieving process.
You may feel the urge to cheer your friend up or tell them to stop crying, but remember it is all part of healing. Think of their tears as a healthy part of the grieving process.
Tears from crying for long periods release oxytocin and endogenous opioids, also known as endorphins. These feel-good chemicals can help ease both physical and emotional pain. Crying is a good thing!
One of the earliest messages we receive as children is that crying isn’t okay. Children may be called “cry babies” or sent to their room to cry. This idea, that crying is a sign of weakness, is also very prevalent in our society.
When we are born, we know how to grieve. Think about that. Very young children express every emotion unapologetically. However, adults influence this shift, making crying and not being okay seem wrong. Or even showing anger as not being okay. Anger is a valid emotion, too.
Tip: One of the many things I learned in my training in grief recovery is never to hand someone who is crying a tissue unless they ask, of course. If someone is releasing emotions through crying, handing them a tissue at that moment will stop them in their tracks. It’s a gesture as if to say: “stop crying.”
Ask Questions If You Need To
People often hesitate to ask questions of a grieving friend. They worry about upsetting them or saying the wrong thing. You shouldn’t be afraid to ask questions if you need to. It helps your friend talk openly about their loved one.
You aren’t limited to asking about the past, though; you should also ask about their well-being. Check in on their self-care, sleep, and whether they are eating well. Explore how they’re feeling emotionally, and listen with care and compassion. You’re not there to fix anything. You can’t take away their pain. However, your presence can make a massive difference.
Tip: Grievers often don’t know what they need. They’re overwhelmed with emotion. What they need can change from day to day, too. So, you could ask: “What would help make today a better day than yesterday?”
Offer Practical Help
Sometimes grief can make you neglect your basic needs. Practical help can be more useful than anything else when it comes to grief. Some of the tasks you could help with include:
Cleaning their house
Cooking meals and batch cooking
Running general errands
Helping with childcare
Managing or coordinating bills
Helping with laundry
Walking the dogs
Food shopping
Yard work (mowing/watering, tending to the vegetable or flower garden)
Be Ready To Sit In Silence
Grief brings in a variety of powerful emotions, and sometimes all a grieving person needs to sit in silence to regain a semblance of peace. Sitting in silence can be challenging, especially when you know your friend is struggling emotionally. Resist the urge to fill the silence. Instead, allow it and embrace it. Your presence is enough support. By being there for your friend, you show them your support and love, even if you sit in silence and don’t say a word. If they are at home, they may feel supported enough to rest. Your presence alone may be more therapeutic than you know.
Tip: Sitting in silence with someone isn’t the most natural thing to do. And it may even feel awkward. But you could ask your friend: “Hey, how would you feel if I came over, made us some tea, and we just sat on the porch and listened to the birds?” Or, depending on the time of year, maybe watch a funny movie.
Make Sure You Remember Important Dates
Anniversaries, birthdays, and others can all be a painful reminder of your friend’s loss every year. If you can, remember all the important dates, including the date of their loss. They may need help and extra support when grief symptoms kick in. Reach out to your friend and let them know you’re thinking of them.
After a loss, people usually mean well when it comes to staying in touch. Busy lives can keep them from following through. Staying in touch can really help. Above all else, remember you can’t fix their pain but can help to ease it and allow them to work through grief.
Tip: Set a yearly reminder on your phone for special days so you can reach out with a card, a phone call, or a special text. You can take it one step further and ask if something special they had in mind of doing on that special day – or would like to do.
Is there anything else that could help? Please share them in the comments below.
P.S. If you’ve never listened to my podcast, Grieving Voices, every guest shares their experience and wisdom around grief. Every guest offers wonderful insight into how to support others who are grieving.
A go-to resource is available to help you help others.
Click the image below to check it out.
Educational, Mind/Body Wellness, Resources |
Photo by Spencer Selover from Pexels
Mental Health Awareness Month
May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and today, I’d like to share some insights on three areas of importance when it comes to mental health. Although there are many other factors and things to consider as this is an extensive topic, I am choosing the following areas to share areas of focus today.
You cannot focus on your physical health and make sustainable changes without considering your mental health. The way you take care of your mind and spirit will have lasting effects on your physical body. Only when you view your wellness as a whole will you be able to feel your best.
Support System
It is so important to compile a strong support system to help you through difficult times. It is not healthy to have your entire support system be wrapped up in one person, so cultivating a wider circle of people who can offer differentiated support is important.
A good place to start is friends and family members. Maintaining healthy relationships with those closest to you will help you feel grounded and give you an outlet when you need to talk about problems. Having people to talk to about your feelings will help you work through them and help release pent-up emotions that can fester if left on their own. It is also a good way to gain some perspective about your problems and maybe think of new solutions. They can also offer emotional support as you work through issues and make steps moving forward.
Talking to a professional is also a good idea. Whether you have past trauma and need PTSD Treatment or need an unbiased person to talk to about your life, a therapist or counselor can help you work through many issues. They can guide you on healthy coping mechanisms, setting healthy boundaries, and tools to help you move forward.
All that being said, there is a caveat to creating a strong support system. Sometimes, the people who are emotionally available to support you best are not your family or friends. Often, the best people to support you have no skin in the game; that is your life. It can be difficult for them to be objective and not have their feelings involved, too. They are invested in your life because they’re in your life. That’s where it can be refreshing and even more helpful to have an ally in your well-being who is unbiased and who won’t judge, analyze, or criticize your decisions or your current experience. This is what you receive when you choose to work with a grief recovery specialist who has been trained by The Grief Recovery Institute, the foremost authority on grief. Also, it’s worth noting that it pays to consider how much personal, inner work the individual you’re running toward for support has gone through themselves. I firmly believe that we can sit with others in their pain, only to the depths we’ve worked on healing our own. And this is why, I believe, so many relationships fall away for grievers after a life-altering event. Your pain and grief will bring up emotions that uncomfortable for others to face themselves. And for some, it’s too painful, so rather than addressing it when being faced with it, it’s easier to distance themselves from the source of the one “poking the bear,” so to speak.
Self-Care
You also need to make sure that you are taking care of yourself. Traditionally, when people think about self-care, they imagine facials and bubble baths. That can be an important part of your self-care routine. Making the time to relax and pamper yourself can prove to be an effective use of time if it is what your mental health needs.
Self-care also means taking care of yourself, even when it is hard. It means changing bad habits to live a healthier life. It means setting necessary boundaries to form good relationships. It means doing the tasks that you have been putting off.
Self-care became a buzzword in 2020 with Covid-19, in particular, rightfully so. I feel like boundaries are particularly vital for all of us to practice self-care that goes beyond any expenditures and has a far more lasting impact on our lives.
There are many books on creating boundaries. If you’re an empath, like me, this is a great book talking about energetic boundaries. And, if you’re looking to create boundaries in a variety of relationships, perhaps this book is just the thing you need to read asap. I read both, and they’re amazing in their own way. There are some Christian undertones in the latter mention; however, I don’t think it’s overly done or written intrusively. Just thought it was worth mentioning.
Say “Yes” To Yourself
It is also important that you take care of your mental health by engaging in things that interest you. This can be hobbies that you have done and lost touch with, things you want to learn but haven’t, or simply going to places and being involved in interesting things.
Permitting yourself to say “yes” to yourself can be powerful. It helps you acknowledge that what you want and need is valid, and that can translate into other areas of your life as well.
When you want to do something but then automatically start to push it out of your mind, stop for a minute. Ask yourself why you are pushing that away and why you can’t do it. If you cannot come up with a good reason, or the reasons you have are just excuses, start permitting yourself to put yourself first.
One of the most common barriers to receiving mental health support is cost. I have encountered this in my own business with potential clients who, at the end of the day, don’t believe they are worth investing in themselves. And that was me, too. What I learned, though, is that although growth through pain is inevitable, which will be extended as long as you resist it. However, you can greatly shorten the time it takes to get to your own end-game (i.e., mental wellness) only by seeking the right support, whatever that may be for you. It wasn’t until I invested in myself and continued to do so, where my life began to blossom. As a result, I have experienced so much fulfillment that could have, very easily, taken me another decade to attain had I not decided I was worth it.
You are the captain of your ship, the master of your heart, and the buck stops with you. What is stopping you from taking your mental health seriously? Access? Cost? Attitude? Belief system? What is it? And, what are you waiting for to help yourself?
Be the hero of your story.
P.S. I’ve recently added a perk to working with me through Grief Recovery, and that is by adding YouMap®, which addresses your personal strengths, skills, values, and how you’re wired, at no additional cost. It’s important to see how these areas factor into grief so that once we sweep out some grief cobwebs and you’ve received a whole lot more insight and healing, it’s important to devise a plan for what’s next. It’s important that I help support my clients beyond grief because there is more to us than our grief. And, I know firsthand how grief creates a great divide between who we were before grief and who we have the potential to become. Click HERE to learn more!
Childhood Grief, Educational, Grief, Grief Stories, Grieving Voices Podcast, Growth, Personal, Resources |
The 6 Myths of Grief
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Through influenced/generational learning, we are taught unhelpful ways in which to address and help ourselves (and others) through grief.
This episode highlights the six myths (and misinformation) of grief that have a direct impact on our ability to cope with what is emotionally incomplete. These myths contribute to why we have a difficult time moving beyond the emotional dis-ease that grief brings to our lives.
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We learned by many different methods and one of these is called influence learning. But I’d like to also call it generational learning because our parents tend to fall back on what they were taught and their parents and the parents before. And I can attest to that as well as I am a parent of three kids. And before grief recovery and before actually diving into my own grief, I did a lot of these things and said a lot of these things that I’m going to share with you today. And so when as you’re listening, there might be a knee-jerk reaction to feel bad to feel like you’ve been failing as a parent. I know when I was learning this myself and was going through certification and had to kind of dig into the error of my ways, I guess. I felt a lot of guilt, actually. And I will talk about the guilt word. But that’s for another conversation. But I did feel really bad about having the awareness as to how I was responding to my children’s emotional needs. I had never really dug into my own and had not addressed my own. Although I had tried for many years, even seeking therapy. At one point, I just had not really dealt with head-on what was emotionally and complete. And so when it came to my children’s needs emotional needs, that is. I responded much like I was taught and much as I will dive into today. So let’s get started.
Myth 1 | Don’t Feel Bad
The first myth of grief is don’t feel bad. Often this message is shared by Don’t cry because we are born into a family. And we are born into having the ability to learn by sight, hearing, and all of these things, the senses. And so we watch and we learn from watching and emulating what our parents do by 18 to 24 months when we start to gain verbal skills. And from that point forward. We also learn by what is said. Hearing the message don’t cry is basically meaning don’t feel bad. As a young child, I often was told if you wanna cry, go to your room. And I did I would go under my bed to cry. I often would hide in the linen closet to cry. At one time even a search party was sent out there was I mean like a search party but you know family had to go look for me because they couldn’t find me. And I do believe that time I was in the kitchen cupboard. And so I would hide to go cry because I didn’t feel safe obviously, sharing my emotion. And because I am who I am I you know about Pisces I’m An INFP on Myers Briggs. I’m also a highly sensitive person, I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve. So you really do not usually have to guess how I’m feeling. I was really taught though early on to hide how I was feeling. Because expressing my sadness, or anger or anything like that was, was kind of unacceptable or it really wasn’t embraced. I do feel like because my mom had not addressed a lot of her own grief in her life and didn’t know how to respond to mine and often would respond in anger. And so when my children were young, I often did the same, I would respond and had a hair-trigger for anger. Grief recovery has caused a lot of reflection in my life, if I would have had this information that I have today, back then. I do feel like I would have been a very different parent. And that’s why I’m also very passionate about this work.
Myth 2 | Replace the Loss
But coming back to the myth of don’t feel bad, we then morph into another myth of replacing the loss. Because if we expand on that, let’s say, as a child when my father passed away, he was 44 and I was eight, I was the youngest. And my next sibling is he was 14 at the time. And so my mom really rather quickly replaced the loss of my father. And that message, obviously really has stuck with me because that’s what I was seeing. That’s what I was learning. And growing up, we lose someone, replace them, right? replace the loss. And a simple message like this is passed on, even just by a child losing a pet, don’t feel bad Victoria, we can get another dog tomorrow, right? Or friend moves away? Well, don’t be sad there’s plenty of other friends you can make and you can try to find other friends. It’s these, they’re unintentionally hurtful. But they are damaging, these messages are damaging. And this is what influence learning is, it’s this generational learning that is passed down to us. And so if we expand this on into teenagers fall in love for the first time, and end up breaking up or let’s say my son had a girlfriend, and he got ditched. And I would say, don’t feel bad, there is plenty of fish in the sea. How often do we say things like that, right? So we have one math Don’t feel bad, then we add on to it with replacing the loss. And, if you’re going to cry, go to your room. That’s okay. There’s plenty of fish in the sea.
Myth 3 | Grieve Alone
This expands to the next math, laugh and the whole world laughs with you. And I bet you can finish that sentence, right? Cry and you cry alone. And it’s heartbreaking to realize that when you’re sad and might really benefit from some emotional understanding that you were taught to be by yourself. And so this leads into the next myth of grief. And that is to grieve alone. We can remember all of these instances in our childhood. And I’m sure as you’re listening, you’re thinking of some things yourself, it would be sad enough if it ended with feeling dismissed and misunderstood as a child as I did. Unfortunately, though this kind of misinformation becomes the foundation of lifelong habits. Many of which directly interfere with our ability to be happy. It’s tragic, right? It is absolutely tragic. If I need to grieve alone, then you do too. We grow up feeling like these are the correct ways to respond, to grieve, to isolate, to grieve alone, to not feel bad. And if I’m growing up believing that this is how you deal with grief, right? then you should too. This is how you do it too. And so we pass this on and this is how we respond to society as well.
The day my dad died, I was in school, and my sister is the one that came to get me. And I just remember it was like this out, it’s like an out-of-body experience. I can see myself holding your hand and we’re walking down the hall. It’s like, a kid you not. It’s like this out-of-body experience, I can see it today. And I’m looking at the back of us. And she says to me, “Dad died.” And at that moment, I don’t know what I was thinking at that time. But the impact of that statement changed my entire life. I was not given the opportunity to share what I was feeling, to share what I was experiencing. I saw my father lying in his casket and there was no discussion, no conversation with me about what this meant. There was no support for me. The teachers didn’t even know how to respond, the school didn’t know how to respond. Obviously, my friends, my peers, my classmates, the same age as me, didn’t know how to respond. I just remember that being like a very lonely time for me. That I do remember, the one statement that sticks out in my brain is that at my dad’s funeral. I remember someone saying and talking about me, she doesn’t know what’s going on. Anyway, I looked at my children at the age of eight. And I thought about that scenario of where I was growing up, when I was eight, in that what was going on in my life at that time. And there is no doubt in my mind that if my children’s father had passed away when they were eight, that they would not have understood or known what was happening or going on, children understand far more than we give them credit for. I mean, if you can take a three-year-old and give them an iPad that they have never seen or touched, and they can figure it out, you can bet your bottom dollar that they understand the emotional connection. And when that’s lost.
Myth 4 | It Just Takes Time
So up to this point, we’ve talked about not feeling bad, replacing the loss, and grieving alone. And next, we’re going to talk about the next myth is just give it time. Because why? Time heals all wounds. Or does it? I’m here to tell you, it absolutely does nothing that passes the two messages that replacing a loss and just give it time do not go together. Because if replacing the loss would have fixed my mother, she wouldn’t have to wait for time to heal her. And on the other hand, if time were to heal her, then maybe she wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to replace the loss. The concept that time heals is probably responsible for more heartache than any other single wrong idea our society has about dealing with grief. Because the terrible part is that it isn’t true. It’s one of those falsehoods that’s been passed down from generation to generation. And the mistaken idea that after enough time passes, something will magically change to make us whole again, is really preposterous. If we were dealing with any other human pain, no one would say just give it time. If you came across a person with a broken arm, you wouldn’t say just give it time. Just as broken bones should be properly set to heal and ultimately function again, so must the emotional heart. And I can tell you after 30 plus years of grieving the loss of my father, the time has done nothing for me but it is the action I’ve taken within that time that has mattered. So time heals is absolutely false. And we need to quit buying into it as a society. If you discovered that your car had a flat tire, would you pull up a chair next to the car and sit and wait for the air to somehow get back into the tire? No, it’s silly. Why would you do that? So time itself does not heal. It is what you do within time that will help you complete the pain caused by loss and I’m a testament to this. So far, we’ve covered four of the six myths. Don’t feel bad, replace the loss, grieve alone, and just give it time.
Myth 5 | Be Strong (For Yourself & Others)
Next, we’ll talk about being strong for others. There are no specific instructions on how to do that. It’s one of those expressions that sounds good but has no real value. And it has to be one of the most confusing ideas relating to the loss. And it’s confusing because it is undoable. Truly, if you think about it, be strong for others. What does that even look like? You can be strong or you can be human. And you know what, we’re all human. So I’m not even sure what being strong means. And when I think about being strong for others, or for yourself. It’s like a passage that we put on the show of I got this, this is gonna get me down. When really inside, we’re probably crumbling a little. We don’t have that support. And we know we don’t have that support we need because of these myths I’m talking about that society has taught us that our parents and their parents have taught. We apply these myths that don’t feel bad, replace the loss, grieve alone, just give it time, because of how society responds to us. And because of what we’ve learned, we attempt to be strong, we attempt to have broad shoulders and a strong back, because we don’t have the support to do anything but that right?
Myth 6 | Keep Busy
Another myth that is common that most people believe to be true and helpful yet it is neither is to keep busy, that you must stay active or keep busy are two clichés that we all have heard following any kind of significant loss. And here’s one important question, Does keeping busy discover and complete the pain caused by loss? The obvious answer is no. Well, then what does keeping busy accomplish if anything, it distracts you. And it makes one more day go by keeping busy buries the pain of the loss under an avalanche of activity. Every griever can attest to doing something to distract themselves from what they are feeling. And this is absolutely exhausting. And there are other dangers to and keeping busy. I have defined grief as the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or a change in a familiar pattern of behavior. So a death, a divorce, or any other major loss produces massive changes in all things that are familiar. And it is very difficult to adapt to life after loss. If you were never a busy person before a loss, keeping busy would add yet another major change to what was familiar. The most dangerous flaw of keeping busy is the idea that it will make you feel better. Busyness is just a distraction. It does not alter the fact that you have to take direct actions to complete the pain caused by the loss. So we have discussed six pieces of information, miss information about dealing with loss. Don’t feel bad, replace the loss, grieve alone, just give it time, be strong for others, and keeping busy.
None of these ideas lead us to the actions of discovering and completing the unfinished emotions that accrue in all relationships. And I can tell you, I identify with every single one. And I would bet if you’re listening to this, and you’re thinking about your losses, you resonate with this too. Earlier I talked about you know the grave and alone myth and how it teaches us to isolate ourselves. Since isolation is one of the problems confronting grievers in our society then participation is clearly part of the solution. So I encourage you to participate in your own recovery and suggest that you start right now. Using the list of the six incorrect ideas as a guide. See if you can think of any other ideas that you were taught or that influenced your beliefs about dealing with sad, painful, or negative feelings. All of these myths I’ve shared with you today cause us to have an indifference about our own losses. And lead to us pretending to put on an Academy Award recovery front to pretend that we’re happier than we are, to put on a brave smile, to really almost avoid even talking about our loss. Because other people have been taught these very same things and reflect on us based on their perspective and their lens of their loss. How we should be responding. Either we’re grieving too long, or not long enough, or talking about it too much or not enough. Right?
We can never satisfy society and how we express our grief. But when it comes down to it, we are all a little uncomfortable around other people’s losses, because we are incredibly uncomfortable facing our own. From my heart to yours, thank you for listening. If you liked this episode, please share it because sharing is caring. And until next time, give and share compassion by being hurt with yours. And if you’re hurting know that what you’re feeling is normal and natural.
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