Grief Stories, Grieving Voices Guest, Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast |
Patsy Kenney: Divorce, Caretaker of Dying Parent, and Closing a Business
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Patsy is my first guest interview on the podcast. She is also the first online, 1-on-1 participant to go through the newly developed online version of The Grief Recovery Method® program. The online, GRM program is a 7-week action-based proven method for helping grievers navigate and process a loss of any kind.
In this episode, Patsy shares her grieving voice around her divorce, being a caregiver to her dying father, and closing a business. And, how resiliency found her during those two years of deep grief.
Patsy also shares her voice about her search for alignment and discovery of the gifts grief brought into her life. Through her story, she shares what was helpful to her as she was knee-deep in the grief experiences and experiencing a lot of change and transition at one time.
We also scratch the surface of how we live is how we die and the resistance grievers, as well as those dying, have around death (or the very thought of it).
Be a fly on the wall of our very deep conversation and, if Patsy’s story resonates with you or, you wish to follow her journey of creation, self-discovery, and alignment, you can find her at the following:
@andcelebrate on Instagram or her website at www.andcelebrate.com
RESOURCES:
One-on-One, Online Grief Recovery Support
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If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, there are free resources available HERE.
If you’d like to share your grieving voice on the show or want to share your thoughts about an episode, please send an email to [email protected].
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
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WAYS TO SUPPORT THE SHOW:
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA (@theunleashedheart):
Victoria Volk 0:08
This is Victoria of the unleashedheart.com, and you’re listening to grieving voices, a podcast for hurting hearts who desire to be heard. Or anyone who wants to learn how to better support loved ones experiencing loss. As a 30 plus year griever and advanced grief recovery methods specialist, I know how badly the conversation around grief needs to change. Through this podcast, I aim to educate gravers and non gravers alike, spread hope and inspire compassion toward those hurting. Lastly, by providing my heart with the ears and this platform, Grievers had the opportunity to share their wisdom and stories of loss and resiliency. How about we talk about grief, like we talked about the weather. Let’s get started. So today on the podcast is my first interview. And I am so pleased to have Patsy join me today to share her grieving voice and her grieving story. So thank you so much for being my first Patsy on here. And
Patsy 1:18
I am honored Victoria. Thank you. Thank you for having me.
Victoria Volk 1:22
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. We kind of were chatting earlier about the different grief scenarios that you’ve experienced in your life. We’re just gonna dive right in.
Patsy 1:35
I love it. Let’s go. So wait.
Victoria Volk 1:39
First of all, tell us when your grieving story first really began for you?
Patsy 1:49
Yeah, well. So I would say the the intensity of the grief I’ve experienced, really has been in the last couple of years. So when I was younger, it’s not. So when I prior to meeting you Victoria, it really I would have only associated the term grief with a loss like the death loss. Probably like in my younger years, I really had sort of this idealistic upbringing. And I did not experience a whole heck of a lot of adversity in an intense way. Like, yes, we all experienced change. And there were a lot of mini moments as I reflect back now that I would now label as grief. Like I was experiencing grief at the time, but I didn’t know it. And my grandfather, my mom, my mom’s dad passed away when I was a junior in high school. And I was very close to him. I had lost my dad’s dad had passed when I was just five years old. And we didn’t spend a lot of time with them on a yearly basis, it was more of like a yearly annual visit, to see all my dad’s family and cousins and that sort of thing. So I didn’t have a very strong relationship with that grant, my paternal grandfather. And I was five so didn’t fully acts like I remember, I remember experiencing my parents grief around that are sort of questioning like, what is this emotion? What does this energy didn’t have the language for it then but this new energy that was sort of present in our home during that loss, and my parents had gone away to, to see him in his final days, really, what’s what I later learned, right, but I didn’t really have that awareness at the time. And so then I would say my first really significant loss was my, the definition of grief, as relating to death was my grandfather who passed when I was a junior in high school. And then now I’m 35 years old. And in the last few years, I’ve experienced just this tremendous flood of loss and change. And really, it started learning about a high school classmate who had passed unexpectedly in his sleep, but 33 years old, from a heart attack, and he was the type of person who just made you feel like he’s known you forever just had an amazing outlook on life, really was creating a life that he loved and living a life that he loved and had this energy about him even back then that made you feel really seen and heard and celebrated. And I admired him and even though I hadn’t seen him in many years, hearing about that loss really struck something in me and so started actually, like, really making me question, you know, if I weren’t to wake up tomorrow, would I be satisfied with the life I’m living? Would I would I, you know, go to the other side or whatever that maybe I’m feeling Like really pleased with how I’ve, I’ve been living a month later, we received no notice that my dad was diagnosed with cancer. And it was a month in waiting that we then learned it was stage four, it was terminal had metastasized to all these other organs. And he was given about a year to live. And so in that, I said, that’s where like death really entered the room, like made its presence known. And I continued that line of self questioning. So death really helped me really reevaluate how I was living. And in that, it was sort of like this, you know, you pull the string of the sweater in the hole. I, that led to a series of conversations with my then husband, that illuminated, you know, some real, we had some real deep, honest conversations about the reality of our marriage, and how we just wanted different things in life. And we weren’t actively creating a life together, we were still sort of, we’re living in the same house, you know, and have had fun together. But there wasn’t a true, like, deep, solid foundation to build a life upon together. And death really invited us to look at that and make some decisions about how we wanted to move forward. And ultimately, we decided to separate so then there was change and loss in that.
And as my dad, health started to decline over that course of the year, I, again, like in my change of moving house and reevaluate, and getting back on my feet and all this that me other, it helped me to reevaluate my business and how that was running. And I it became really clear that I was, I was not setting myself up for this sustainable growth, I was feeling burnt out the sort of vision of the heart of it all wasn’t matching the execution of it, I had sort of backed myself into this corner, and I was like, This isn’t even what I want. So that evolved, and, like I had two businesses and sort of ran for, what would I say, merged the one with the other, add two business partners that I was working with. And that was an amazing transition at the time. And I felt very supported in that. And then flash for my dad ended up passing in June of last year. And, and so there was this whole new, just like, way of being on my own, because at that point, I was no longer living with my ex, like, there was so much motion and movement and change throughout all of that. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. And then flash forward to this the start of this year, and experiencing this global pandemic that we’re all in and reevaluating. Again, where does you know, how do I want to align my values with my business and my life and what I’m creating, and that second business, we made a decision to sunset. And so like, I don’t know how to say that in a more succinct way. But there’s been a heck of a lot of grief in the last year, a year and a half. And I’ve been doing a lot of unraveling that.
Victoria Volk 8:41
Thank you for sharing all of that. I want to go back first to to actually your first loss as a child. Um, you know, that’s 10 we that’s where we often need to start really when we start processing loss because grief is cumulative, and it’s cumulatively negative. And so sure, as a child, when you last had that loss as a five year old, I’m just curious and for our listeners as well, because we often don’t make that connection of what we are allowed or not allowed to express around grief. How did your parents seem to view your put your relationship with that grandfather? And did they address how maybe you were possibly grieving?
Patsy 9:36
No, I wouldn’t say that. I don’t think they were really conscious of it. And that’s where there’s sort of this like fogginess for me around that loss. Like I don’t, I don’t really remember processing only being more aware of what their emotions were, and feeling like I must be present for that or not ask any questions or be too inquisitive about it. It was sort of it was shared. I witnessed my dad cry. That was a first for sure. Um, he was not very emotional. He was an emotional guy, but he hit it. You know what I mean? He, he never expressed his emotions openly. And I guess I would describe that now as just sort of like, Can I was confused more than anything. There wasn’t a conversation really even about death, or? I mean, they explained what it is. But I don’t think there was active, continual conversations about it.
Victoria Volk 10:36
I think we can all agree that when there is, like heavy grief within a household within a home, that it creates ripples, right? Oh, we can agree. Oh, right?
Patsy 10:49
1,000%. Yeah.
Victoria Volk 10:50
So yeah, as a witness to grief as a young child. Even just the idea of not having the language around that or be given the language or be totally in clusion? Yeah. Oh, gosh, yeah. Of what your parents themselves were feeling
Patsy 11:12
We’re going through or explaining, oh, and like, I had no history of my dad’s relationship with his dad either, right? I’m, like I, I only know of him when I see him when I go to visit, like there. If you think about it now to my own brain at that moment in time, there was really no context or, yeah, that inclusion piece would have been so helpful.
Victoria Volk 11:36
I’m curious too like, in the years that followed, maybe 567 years that followed after that, was it a topic that was ever discussed? Like, was there
Patsy 11:46
I honestly don’t remember it being discussed or even an honoring of him, right, okay. Like I feel more of a connection to the honoring. Now, granted, I was older, I was a junior in high school, and my second grandfather passed away. And I was much closer to him, you know, just because we lived next door to him. But there was more of a process around the honoring, I do not remember attending, I guess I didn’t, I didn’t attend my paternal grandfather’s funeral, like I had no, I had, I had no idea of what even sort of ritual can or you know, honoring could have could happen around a death around a loss like that. Until, you know, you hear about it, you watch it on the movie you consume in other ways people around you have deaths or losses and things that you’re exposed to, but hadn’t experienced yourself. Like the first funeral, I think I attended was probably around the same timeframe that I lost my maternal grandfather.
Victoria Volk 12:44
So I’m curious when you look in hindsight, yeah. The contrast between that first loss as a child, young child do where you’re a junior in high school, was there a change? Or was there more of a communication with how you were feeling? Yes, later in life, as opposed to waiting for a child?
Patsy 13:06
Definitely, definitely. Um, and I remember the Minister of our church came over, and we had like a family meeting, it was definitely inclusive. So when they talked about how they were going to present what they were going to do, what kind of the service were they going to have, all of that was the whole family was involved. And she and she really led that meeting. So I grateful to her for that. I don’t think she realizes, till this moment, I probably hadn’t even put it all together. But she, she helped to almost emulate how those conversations can go, right? Because she was leading it. And she asked each individual grandchild, like, what was your What would you like to call out in memory of around your grandfather? What’s a specific memory you want to share? Or, you know, that kind of thing, which was really nice. And I think then, right, the cumulation of that experience, sort of it just it the other first experience feels foggy, because I had a new refreshed experience of loss of my grandfather. And in the honoring because we gathered so frequently as a family. There was more of an honoring around each first of that first year, right? So it was like, his birthday is like our gathering as a family of like, Oh, this is the first time he won’t be here with us for Thanksgiving, or he won’t be here with us for Christmas, or there was more of just like a remembrance and honoring of him. throughout those family gatherings, which I didn’t experience in the lot like in my first loss.
Victoria Volk 14:40
Do you think? I mean, when looking back now to do you think that there was a difference in relationship that may have influenced how one death was handled versus the other?
Patsy 14:54
In some ways, yes. But I Yeah, I do. It wasn’t that we weren’t close with our, you know, my dad’s side of the family, it was just a proximity thing for me like they were in New Jersey, we were in Maine. So it was like less frequent that we were seeing them I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t be I wouldn’t describe it as like, feeling less loved by them or anything like that we always had just a blast when we were all together. But I think because I was in my brother was really like a brand new baby pretty much when that loss happened. I don’t know if it was because of my age that they just thought, well, like we’re protecting her. But I don’t I feel like that would have been such an awesome learning opportunity to talk about death.
Victoria Volk 15:39
Right. And that’s the that’s kind of why I’m really kind of drilling this point. And I love it the childhood experience because we we learn 75% of how not First, we will process grief and learn about grief and how we’ll deal with it for the rest of our life by before we’re age seven or eight. By the time we’re age eight. Yep. And so those first years are the most influential on us in terms of how we process our feelings, or don’t
Patsy 16:15
So there wasn’ta whole heck of a lot of processing. Right, right. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. And I think I thought I kind of felt it felt foreign, it felt it didn’t feel it obviously didn’t feel like safe to inquire about, it felt a little scared because of the unknown of it. It was like they they went away for four or five days came back. And then I remember being like Papa darp passed away. Like, I don’t think I even knew he was sick. Hmm. You know, because our, again, our inter now we talk about our family and other updates all the time. And I have my own relationships with my aunts and uncles, my dad’s siblings, and my cousins and all of that. But like, there was never I don’t remember a conversation about because they were probably talking about it when I went to bed or whatever. Like I don’t remember even over hearing like Papa DARPA’s sick. And this, you know, like there was no, there was no context or heads up, like this is a possibility, you know, or even when they were leaving, I didn’t know why they left.
Victoria Volk 17:24
Which and that’s this isn’t unusual. No. And so this is where this educational piece comes in. For you, parents who are listening, who have a child who has gone through or is going through a grieving experience. This is why it’s so important that we have an awareness around that. Children grieve, too. And it’s just as important to tell the emotional truth about yourself to your child, so that you emulate that example of what it means to share our emotional truth, and getting the conversation going around what that child may be feeling. Because what is not a big deal to us adults, like we the child can be making the biggest deal about something and to us, it’s like what is the big deal? Like, right, you know, and to the child. It’s like, it’s not even usually about the thing we think it’s about No, right? You know, for example, there’s two, there’s a story I heard there was a child whose grandpa father had passed away, but they would plant flowers every year. And every year, they would watch these flowers bloom. And the grandfather passed away. After they had planted flowers, when he passed away before they saw them bloom. And the house was sold. And this child was so upset that he wasn’t going to see their flowers bloom. But they didn’t you know, that nobody made the connection that, you know, what’s the big deal with the flowers? And it was that the grandfather said, we will see these bloom Bloom? Yeah, like it was their shared experience. Yeah, of course, once the Koreans had this awareness about it, and discuss. Right, right, and how can we address this? how can how can we help you? And they realized, well dig up the flowers. Yeah, yeah. Bring them to our ring so you can learn
Patsy 19:29
New home and plant them? Yeah, yes. Yeah. Yeah, that’s beautiful. But it’s true and and then as a child, if you don’t have the language for it, you can see how quickly and easily that gets brushed under the rug doesn’t get addressed. Again, you know, can come up like you said, I love the way you phrase like it’s cumulative. And if you’re not aware of what’s under the surface, you know, that can really impact. I mean,
Victoria Volk 19:55
What we don’t see what we don’t see and what we sweep to the side Yep, within us, right? I want to make a point to and bring up. You talked about alignment and, you know, emotional truth. And how you had this awareness around you weren’t really living in alignment. Yeah, so grief kind of was that door that opened that awareness to you, right? It did, it really did.
Patsy 20:26
Which is fascinating to me, because I had been actively working toward building a life of alignment for years, a good number of years. But, you know, I know, I feel like if I were to put the word death out there, it’s often like, associated with heaviness, right, there’s like, I think society there is a, like a negative connotation about it. And that could just be my own perception, but there’s a feeling around it that it’s sort of this this thing that like, we don’t talk about, and it’s shocking to us when it arrives and it’s like it’s just this dance of strangeness around
Victoria Volk 21:11
We’re immortal. We’re immortal.
Patsy 21:15
And the thing that the only effing guarantee that we have in the human experience is death like that that’s the one guarantee and it is shocking to me that like we forget that instantly like we have to remind ourselves of it minute to minute sort of thing right and but what’s so cool about it is that it is this extreme clarifier like when you take any decision you have to make and put that up against like death like time right this is another thing so that is associated with time How much time do you have I mean, the conversation I could go on too we could have a whole podcast episode about time and waiting like when you are diagnosed with something How much time do you have you know, how is it going to happen when is it going to happen Death is inevitable it’s been it has been you know, stated galvanized ballots, you have only an you know, a finite amount of time left are we going to use your time and so that sort of invitation to evaluate that really clicked everything into place for me and I know I mean, our journeys here are constantly evolving, we’re learning we’re growing right? But that was no doubt a catalyst for all the other change I saw in the last year and a half. And now if I think back I can easily get my body to that place of like, tension that I felt and misalignment that I was living and that just like low level thing that it’s like a feeling it’s intangible it’s just this low level hum I guess it’s not quite right. But I didn’t have enough data to even know what to change until death entered the room and it’s amazing to me how because I’ve had that experience and come through it that continues to be a filter for me when I’m making even small decisions
Really
because I guess for me the alignment factor if I’m living in alignment with with my truth then at the end of the day no matter when I go like I can feel that level of satisfaction I started questioning like yes there’s so much more things I want to do here so much more I want to experience in this lifetime so much more I want to create and just like fully live I think that was another thing like there was this energy within my relationship I would have described it as fine a friend of mine and I were talking about this the other night and I was like what fine isn’t living to me like five minutes Fine fine is monotone fine is going through the motions. It’s not experiencing the highs and lows of life like truly embracing them like sort of what can I learn from them all of those things. I was doing that in my own way but within the context of my marriage within my partnership it was there it fell flat I felt flat and I’m like whatever happens on the other side of whenever we die like that’s a whole nother topic too. But if I get to that place like I want to feel like I really like enjoyed this lifetime that I experienced it
Victoria Volk 24:46
Fine doesn’t equal fun right now, and in grief recovery. What do we say about fine its feelings inside not it’s not expressed. And what my dear listeners Miss Patsy has actually gone through the grief recovery method with me. We’ll get to that. Yeah, we’ll speak to that in a little bit. But I want to also give you the opportunity to share a little bit about how the transition like how did you get from? Okay, well, death came in the room. Oh my gosh, I have all this awareness about how misaligned I feel. Yeah. Like what needs to change in my life. And that transition. Can you speak to that transition a little bit? And how in terms of the role that grief may have played in Yeah, how you process that? How you made it, okay with yourself, like how, you know, because it takes courage. It takes courage to Yeah, open the door, first of all, and not shot it.
Patsy 25:55
Totally the door. It was open. And I yeah, that’s such a great way to continue that analogy. It’s true, I think.
Victoria Volk 26:04
Do you feel like because like, for me, it was like one more loss that like, took me over the edge, like, Oh, my gosh, I’m not okay. Like, it’s been over 30 years, and I’ve had a lot of loss in between but this next loss like this, did it like this? Is it this is the cherry on top? Did you have that experience where it was like, Okay, this is it like?
Patsy 26:25
Well, I think, I think when my friend passed what I learned if my friends passing, that was like the knock on the door, and then when the diagnosis when my dad’s diagnosis came through, that just like bursts the door right open. And then death was standing there in a room for a year. And that’s a whole nother like, just talking about transition. When he when he finally passed, there was a relief. And I think this is another thing that people probably I mean, I struggled with too, because because his decline has helped decline was so slow, and just really, really hard to witness, really hard to witness. Toward the end, I was literally praying for it to be over. Like for him, for us, for everyone who was involved, like, because it was getting to that point of just like, a piece has to come soon. Like this is this is really challenging, you know. And so inside of that, like energy, I was also processing change. And in some ways it was my life had been up ended. And part of that was my choice, right. And I had temporarily moved, it was like I was taking, I was only taking one step forward with each new like phase. So I moved out into my friend’s really tiny bedroom, which is basically an oversized closet, I had enough room for a single bed and like a few of my things. And then I moved apart like I moved my office, which was at my home into a little shared workspace. It felt like the transitions and change just never never stopped for that concentrated period of time. How did I meander and like navigate them? I really allowed myself to feel throughout all of it. I’m not really sure. I think Sorry, it’s taken me a long time to answer this question. But I feel like, as I’m reflecting on this, knowing my dad was gonna pass it, it created this level of important like things that really matter. Like the A brings the things that really matter to the surface, right. And so standing in my truth and having these courageous conversations with my then husband, getting through that alone, I almost like built my strength in that first phase. And so I was like, if I can do that I can do anything, I have to move again, no big deal, I have to change my office space, no big deal. I have to you know, and so it’s almost it’s interesting to that, that as we talk about grief cumulating that like strength was cumulating. For me, my resilience was cumulating. And so then when my dad was declining, and I was I was really his primary caregiver for a number of months. And we had help from hospice and then ultimately toward the end we had another nurse come in to relieve us from nights and my brother was very present and all of that my mom was very present and all of that too. And his his family but because of the way my schedule worked within the I had created my own business I was able to be present frequently for that extended period of time whereas everybody else’s work schedules were, you know, anyway, being in that actually helped Like all the other transitions actually help staying present. And enough, right there wasn’t that weren’t days of frustration or just like completely, like burnout was imminent, I can feel it coming, I knew that there was going to be an end, that that phase was temporary. And I did my best within that phase to find something to be grateful for every day, even if it was a small thing. And to kind of like stay anchored and hope and, and remind myself that there’s, I really believe that like, life is working out for us, not to us if we’re present to it and engaging with it. And so there was there was meant to be healing, I was meant to be that person, I didn’t aspire to be that person, I never dreamt that I would have that rule. Like, it’s not even one I wanted. But I took it on. And it actually was really beautiful. In terms of like, healing my relationship with my dad, and being able to be in a place of being that caregiver and provider that he always took. So, you know, in pride growing up, does that answer your question? Or did I go on a very long tangent?
Victoria Volk 31:16
No, that’s great. It actually brought to light. Another thing that I want to bring attention to, for my readers or listeners, readers, listeners, is that you had this awareness i what i hear you saying is that you had an awareness that you can do hard things. Yeah. You know, I can do hard things. Yeah, this is going to be hard. You made it through it, you can use it. And what does that do for us? that builds our confidence, right?
Patsy 31:49
It does totally, I think right now, yeah, like, little things happen. And that’s interesting to God, we can talk about this for a long time. But like, when you are in that space, right, where you’re, you’re navigating through the hard things, your world becomes really narrow. Like the things I cared about before I truly, I don’t care about now. Like in a lot of ways if I had a false caring for it, because I thought I should care about it. Because somebody somebody else’s view influenced, like my caring for the thing. Now I’m just like, it’s so clear to me, like where I stand, like, where the line is drawn. And so which has been a really awesome power tool now, like, inner power thing, as I’m re you know, rebuilding my life, in which direction I want to go. And I love that you called attention to that because it builds confidence, it builds clarity. And just this this like, inner knowing that no matter what the heck comes down the pipe, which I know that’s life, life is gonna life. I’m just gonna, like there’s gonna be more hard things. That’s no question. But I I’m living, knowing that’s inevitable, but enjoying the ride. Like actively seeking out the joy inside of that to have I think really helped. The density, like, alleviate the density that I was feeling in it, because that that was, like ever present. You know, I like reflect on it back now. And I can I can immediately get that tightness in my stomach. So I don’t think I knew sorry, I just I don’t think I knew that I was resilient. Prior to that.
Victoria Volk 33:45
You found it within yourself. In the process. Yeah, I would agree the same for myself. Yeah, grief is funny like that, huh? We get these we get these unexpected. And I can hear that I can just see the eyes roll. You know, the gifts. I knew. I knew. Like, okay, I can see the eyes rolling, you know, but really, truly I’m telling you this I’m over 30 years, over 30 years. Yeah, I’ve grieved losses and trauma in my life. And to be able to not be one of those people rolling my eyes. Like, it is like I can say now I am on the other side. Alright, grief, like it’s no longer in the driver’s seat of my life. And that’s what I ultimately hear in your message as well as that it’s not in the driver’s seat anymore. That suckers in the back in the trunk locked. Locked in the trunk, but released. Actually, you know, it’s a beautiful way Put it. I would say I’ve seen it in the car. It’s not even in the car.
Patsy 35:04
It is it is released as like it’s changed form. Yes. Right. I feel. I feel like it’s changed form and it’s definitely lost. It’s Um
Victoria Volk 35:16
It’s all in change to you. Yeah. Yeah. There you have it. Yes. And that’s why I’m the unleashed heart. It’s like, I was leashed, you know, yes. leashed to this thing.
Patsy 35:33
Absolutely, absolutely. And I feel like living right. So my philosophy on life, is to live on leash. That’s why we have such alignment and like kinship and immediate friendship and resonance with each other, because you can feel free even within constraints. And I think that was sort of my practice to in that space of being the caregiver for my dad was like, how can I access even a moment or a minute of freedom inside this experience, and, and the cool part of that was, you know, there were days, like I said, that I was frustrated that I was praying for it to be a different outcome than it was. And at some point, in that journey, I surrendered, I released the expectation of how long it would take, I surrendered to the like, I accepted, like, accepted that this is the journey, like this is the this is the path I’m on and shifted my energy around that. And there was release and relief in the release of that, and he hadn’t passed yet. So before he passed, there was some sort of shift in my energy around it, too.
Victoria Volk 36:46
Would you say that you changed how you perceived the situation? Like your perception, like you allowed yourself to be open to a new perspective? Totally what was happening? Totally. Yep, I too, like, you know, I was eight when my dad passed away, but he survived like he was he hung on for two years. It’s amazing. And he was a lot of he was a stage for it diagnosis. So too, it’s, it’s, I could actually I want to go on a whole nother episode on that on just like, how we, especially if we have not allowed ourselves to process grief, how that impacts the transition for someone who is dying. Oh, my guy, like,
Patsy 37:33
Right guy. I don’t even think of that. But that’s so true.
Victoria Volk 37:33
Right? like how I read a story just recently, and I’m not going to get too far into this because this is a whole nother This is a whole episode all by itself, that I want to give it justice to, but it really just opened my eyes to, to what I read, it was talking about how, for example, let’s just say I’m in a room because I actually used to do hospice care, home health and hospice. Which isn’t a surprise to me, because I’ve, I have a really long relationship with death in my life. So it was no surprise that I you know, I worked in a nursing home as a certified nursing assistant, I’ve been around death, all my life. So what I didn’t really consider though, was how, as we are grieving, and if we have not allowed ourselves to process what we’re feeling and were shut off emotionally from what is the reality of what is happening, like our loved one is transitioning our loved one is actively dying. And working through that process. If we How do it’s like, I’m just having this thought, like, how does that impact the person who is passing? Like, how does how does our resistance to them pass? Yeah
Yeah, impacting them? Like, is that why they’re hanging on? Yeah, is that’s a great point, you know,
Patsy 39:00
Great, great, great point. And that was a whole other thing too. Resistance to passing. So my dad definitely held that resistance to passing I witnessed his his fear around this the fear, right, the fear around it. And so it was interesting, a very interesting exercise for me and and a test of faith as well. Because yes, it’s bringing up my own stuff, witnessing him reached this point, right of his life, but also witnessing his his journey of acceptance to this is what’s inevitable, right and so there, there was a strong resistance. Now it’s interesting, I wouldn’t say he was resistant in the sense that like he’s gonna suck the rest of the life out of the time. He has here kind of thing like, charge for Word and, quote, live the way I was describing before. But it was like he didn’t want to move, because he was afraid it was gonna happen. And so it was like the opposite end of the spectrum.
Victoria Volk 40:12
And can you imagine the grief then the one who is transitioning is feeling because they cannot emotionally express their fear. They can’t emotionally express what they’re experiencing and feeling. Because the people in the room are so closed off and resistant to what is happening. Like, we don’t think about how our energy that we bring to the room in a situation like that impacts the person who’s actually trying to transition. And I’ve just like, I just had like this total. Yeah, I I’m
Patsy 40:50
So like, full full body goosebumps on that one, for sure.
Victoria Volk 40:54
I’m so digging into this topic more, because I think it’s so important, like when I think about the whole premise of this podcast is to give Grievers the opportunity to share their grieving story, right, their grieving voice. Someone who’s already past obviously can’t, doesn’t have that opportunity. But I feel like there’s a part of me that needs to be a voice for someone who’s transitioning because I’ve seen it so many times. And because families that are and
Patsy 41:22
you’re sorry, Yeah, go ahead.
Victoria Volk 41:25
You know, hearing is one of is the last sense to go. And I just recall, being in rooms, where the family is talking, like they’re not there. That’s like, I can hear you. They can hear you. You know, and so it’s it’s actually bringing to attention. What can I do as a loved one who’s watching my loved one transition? What can I do to mainly hat? Okay.
Patsy 41:57
Yes, I, I was like, seeking those resources in that time. I really was. And I feel like I was conscious of his fear. And so I, I did my best to normalize the process, even though I’d never witnessed it before. And to just sit there and be present with him. And you know, it’s, it’s every relationship is different to right. And, and every death experience is different. And it was it was just this really, as sad and hard. And like, challenging as it was, it was actually it was, it was there were some really beautiful moments too, because I hadn’t spent that much time with him. I mean, maybe ever, in that way, like growing up as a kid, like, he’s present. He’s there, but he was working. And he was, you know, it wasn’t like you’re, you’re sitting with each other for hours at a time. For an inevitable like, for it. Um, we don’t know how long, right? So it was just this really interesting shift. It was deep, like an intimate experience, you know? And in some ways, I feel like I yeah, I was there to reassure him that it would be okay, even though I don’t frickin know, I had faith that it’s gonna be okay. That it would be lighter than what he was experiencing in that moment. You know?
Victoria Volk 43:34
And when you look back too that time, it’s Do you feel like, what a blessing it was that you allowed yourself to have those conversations that you may not have had otherwise? Or? It doesn’t. I mean, when we do that, it helps to bring emotional completion to certain things, you know, they can, they can transition and, you know, go on to the next life I, you know, whatever you believe, but, and that’s another topic in and of itself to
Patsy 44:07
A lot of topics out of this conversation. No, I completely agree. Um, the other thing that eye has stuck with me, and I don’t know if you’d heard this in your time as a hospice care, nurse, or just in your experience of life and death. One of the nurses said to me, and this was really funny and fitting, and it actually this probably was the thing that helped me reach that place of acceptance a little bit. She said, you know, in my experience, the way you’ve lived, your life, is the way you’re gonna die. Or is the way you’ll pass essentially. So your relationship to life is your relationship to death and how you pass and so for those who, you know, were stubborn, resistance to resistant to change, that sort of thing. It’s usually a longer, more stubborn drawn out process. For those who are really like go with the flow open to life open to all of these things. It generally happens more quickly and I just burst out laughing because that was my dad’s personality he was completely resistant to change. He lived a lot of his life, you know, in that space of, right like, I like there was of a general cautiousness about him. He didn’t take a heck of a lot of risks. You know, he was very like comfortable in his small little life. That is not to say don’t say that to diminish it. Right. But there was a level of comfort he did not stray too far out of his lifetime. And so the fact that I mean hospice we chose the hospice he chose the hospice route in January and he didn’t pass until the middle of late June.
Victoria Volk 46:01
That’s fascinating. It is fast. I wholeheartedly agree with that nurse to I can I can just think of certain relationships of people passing and things and and yeah, I would have
Patsy 46:16
an yeah interesting that
Victoria Volk 46:18
I think it’s actually to like I think we live in fear of life itself. Like we’re fearful beings, anyway, like fear is the driver of our DeSoto lanes. And but I think it is because I think fears a driver, because we have not, we have this emotional dis ease within us that we kind of we’ve spoken about this before. But it closes us off to our to living like grief puts a veil of our perception of life. And early eventual, and we can’t see we just can’t we don’t see the world as it is we see it, either. How we want it to be or how it was how it was or how we wish it was we wish it was right grief is the loss of hopes dreams and expectations and anything we wish it would have been different better or more we get so hung up emotionally on on those Zoo experiences that cause those feelings. We do that maybe they fearful Yeah.
Patsy 47:34
So true. And even in that it’s so interesting, you bring that up too. And I think for me, again, it was sort of illuminating and reaffirming to embrace life and and enjoy it and like truly live it in the witnessing of my dad’s passing and being with him. And all that time. And there were moments where he would reflect back on something. And I would have these moments where I was like, you’re still holding on to that, like, so far from my memory, you know, and just I can’t even think of a good example at the moment, but several occasions where I had that awareness where I was like, wow, that has been building and we talked about energy right and I really believe it like if we can feel our feelings and process and utilize the the framework that you have exposed me to which I’m so so grateful for, to work through that to unhinge those hang ups that we have because it gets stuck. Like if I sort of look back in retrospect and sort of what I know of his life and his upbringing and those conditioning and and where that fear got hung up in his life and kind of kept him in place for a long time. No wonder, you know that there was this energetic build up there at that lead to dis ease. You know, say this is fascinating.
Victoria Volk 49:01
This is a perfect transition to bring up then the grief recovery work and the grief recovery method that you had experienced because I feel like for me, I know it connected. All of the dots. So many. So many. So yeah, can you speak to your experience now for the listeners? Patsy went through the seven week grief recovery method online one on one with me. And we recently finished up and so yeah, I couldn’t think of a better guess than someone who’s gone through one have gone through the method with me. So can you speak to your experience?
Patsy 49:49
Oh gosh, yes. And I’m so grateful you’ve asked me to be on because I want the whole world to know about this resource that I known you speak of first. long as I’ve known you, and I’ve been very intrigued by it, and, and then obviously moving through all that I moved through in terms of change and transition in the last couple years, it was it is the perfect tool for continuing to process and re release really, so much residual, emotional. I want to I don’t even have a word for it, you see me using my hands, energy energy in your day. And I shared with you at the beginning that like I knew this would be beneficial, I was open to the process. But I also wasn’t feeling in my day to day life that I was weighed down to the point of not living, right. Like I didn’t feel like I was stuck in grief per se when we started this process. But let me tell you, what this process has done is like taken that really it’s elevated the relief and provided just this new layer of peace, I didn’t even realize I need it. Like I knew I needed it, I knew it was gonna be beneficial, but I didn’t recognize like really truly how beneficial it would be. And part of the process is yes, acknowledging death, but really reorienting our definition of grief itself, which is loss and change right of expectations, you just went through it so beautifully. And it helped me see just how much change I’ve gone through in my lifetime not just concentrated to the last few years, but really helped me provide a perspective and reach a new sense of compassion within myself for all that I enjoyed and was never labeling as grief. And so that was amazing because it was like, Oh, this residual energy as at has been taking up space and excited me all this time and I didn’t even really realize it and I’m somebody who has been actively seeking and putting myself in the way of self development work for a long time now like over a decade probably being active in that space of awareness and unpacking and and unbecoming as our mutual friend talks about. And so I found this so beneficial not only for to kind of unpack the last couple of years, specific relationships and knowing that now this framework can be used forevermore, that is like excited me beyond measure. And the work that I didn’t expect actually, well I had a little bit of an inkling because we’ve you know, we’re friends, we’ve been talking about it, but the work around grief within relationships that are still present today. So with the living relationships with the living, that was a game changer has been a game changer. And I think prior to meeting you, I would have guessed that the work would have been done around relationships with people who have passed
Victoria Volk 53:12
Well, and we often don’t see what we’re feeling with real in terms of our and when we think about our relationships with the living we often don’t think about what we’re experiencing as as great as that right? But again, the definition of grief recovery Institute defines grief is the loss of hopes, dreams and expectations and anything we wish would have been different better or more or would be different better or more. And so that’s where like with the living when you have this like Aha, like okay, well they’re never going to change sometimes especially with family we can’t choose who our family is. But it is going through this process and doing this work. I know for me, I was able to then look at that relationship with a new perspective. Totally compassion
Patsy 54:08
Compassion such a big one.
Victoria Volk 54:10
Yeah, take one instead of being filled with anger or resentment. It’s it’s not condoning No, not like dismissing what has been done to hurt you or anything like that. It is what this did for me and I you can speak to it for yourself as well after I share but it Ah that’s why is why that person does this. That’s why because we when we look back on the relationship and how we grew up, how we grew up is how our parents grew up grew up. Because this cycle which is why let’s talk about grief, like we talk about the weather let’s kind of address the elephant in the room. Yeah in our in our hearts in our His in our homes like this is our pandemic. I say yes, yes. demak? Yes, let’s, let’s address this thing. So that the cycle stops, so that we don’t continue to teach and be ample of what it is. What is harming us in the law?
Patsy 55:24
Totally, totally. It. I mean, I’m not a parent. Yet God willing, someday, if that works out for me, I feel like every parent or new coming parents should go through this work truly like it is it is life changing. And it will change the relationships with the living you have today. Because as we talked about reaching that new perspective, or that new level of something shifted, and an energetic shift happened, when I was coming to accept my dad’s death and his, his path to death, right, the way he passed and all that. When you reach a level of acceptance, for another person who’s living, it immediately changes the dynamic within the relationship, and they don’t even know how or why it changed. That’s the beauty of this work, too. You’re not forced to face someone unwillingly, who may not accept what you have to say, this is an internal process and such a gift to be able to sit and feel witnessed and heard and seen from a loving individual yourself. In this case, who I love so much. You call it a heart with ears. Yeah, right? finding someone who has a heart with yours. So to bear witness to your story, to what you’re uncovering to your emotion to all of that, in a way that feels very safe. And love, yeah, loving. That’s the key word that keeps coming where and what’s really amazing to me, too. And obviously, we technology is so incredible that we could do this and be in different states, but still feel that presence of acceptance and reassurance that like, you know, your feelings are valid. And both of both, like, you know, polarities exist in the same moment, regardless of circumstances, or person or experience, right, like we can, we can honor and hold space for the way we were feeling. But also see how someone else’s perspective would create a feeling within them and acknowledge that too. And so there’s so much healing in that. And the magical part is you don’t even have to have those conversations with the person. You’re processing your grief around amazing. It’s so incredible. It’s so incredible. So thank you for exposing me to this. I just feel it’s so powerful. And seven weeks is nothing in the realm of thing
Victoria Volk 58:07
Blew just flies, it flies, right.
Patsy 58:10
That was crazy. I look back and I’m like what I feel like we just got started. So yeah, I feel I feel like an inner peace as a result of the work.
Victoria Volk 58:20
And you have the tools in your backpack, right in your back pocket for the rest of my life now, right? Exactly the knowledge right to bring to other people to bring to other relationships to create ripples in your life. Right? That’s exactly what this does this work creates ripples. When we do the work on ourselves. It creates ripples.
Patsy 58:45
It really does. Because that whole idea of resistance, right? Like, if you’re resistant, resisting and engage, you know, like, say for example, like okay, I’m going to see my mom this weekend. And then there’s resistance around that because you’re already anticipating like how this is going to go, right?
Victoria Volk 59:04
Yeah
Patsy 59:05
You create more aches like they’re there. You just create more resistance like nothing is running smoothly. You’re like this is you know, just talking off the cuff. But anybody can relate to that where Yep, you create a story, the stories read a story, the story is playing out it’s already written you can already see it going and sure enough, there you are having the argument in the kitchen again, whatever. If you show up to that weekend, just accepting and like knowing like, Okay, this is how it is like I’ve laughed more and I don’t know if anybody’s ever gonna see the backdrop but I’m here in Maine, where my family is this week, I just moved into a tiny cabin. I had been living in my mom and grandmother’s home for the last week and a half and it’s really interesting to witness bear in their relationship, status, shareholders and the resistance they both have but ultimately really want the same thing you know, So I brought a new level of acceptance to the situation, circumstance, you know, the circumstance and just the dynamic, knowing what I was walking into. I was just like, Alright, here we go, I have left more this week than I have felt frustrated.
Victoria Volk 1:00:14
And what do you think that does for creating connection?
Patsy 1:00:19
But the thing that everybody wants exactly? spontaneous
Victoria Volk 1:00:23
Yeah, you know, how can we connect with other people, when we got these residual stories already playing out in our minds of what’s going to happen, how it’s going to happen? What’s going to be said, and we’re just going to leave our spaces and be annoyed with each other in irritated? And where’s the connection, then?
Patsy 1:00:39
There isn’t there. And that’s the beauty in it. You know, that is the beauty of it. So powerful.
Victoria Volk 1:00:49
So I want to we, I think we’re like, this amazing conversation could go on for hours, I’m sure. But I do want to get to one question, what is the best piece of advice you ever received, when you were deep in your grief?
Patsy 1:01:13
To feel it, and to just remember that it’s temporary, like it’s, I almost started to embody it like, okay, a wave would wash over me, and I would allow it to come up and through me, right, like, I didn’t resist, if I, if I if something struck me and brought me to tears, I like allowed myself to try it out. If something struck me and brought me to laughter, I would rate I would sort of like lean into it, knowing that it was sort of temporary, and it felt like I could go with the flow of the way it was actually I became the wave a little bit, as opposed to like, swimming against it, resisting it. That helped a lot. And also, we’ve talked about this a lot, because you are a heart with ears, this is the work that you do. If you have someone in your life that can be that for you, like you recognize that they have the capacity to hold space for you in that way, have that vulnerable conversation to ask them to be that in moments when you need it. Because sometimes you just need to be you just need a heart with your eyes, you just need to shout it out or cry it out, or have somebody sit with you in that pain. And that’s not a job for everybody. And there’s also I think a certain level of, well, there’s certainly a level of deep vulnerability that comes with sharing a space like that with someone. So the importance of safety comes to mind, you know, like feeling like you can do that without being judged, right?
Victoria Volk 1:02:45
Which is the whole premise of grief recovery work. This method is a structured safe environment
Patsy 1:02:53
Incredible. Yeah, incredible.
Victoria Volk 1:02:56
And what do you think is a characteristic of someone who has, you know, if someone’s sitting here listening to this, they’re driving down the road? And they’re like, thinking in their mind? Well, who could who was in my life? That would? would be that for me? Or could be that for me? What do you think is a characteristic of that person? I have something in mind, but I’m curious what your answer is.
Patsy 1:03:18
I can’t wait to hear yours. First thing that comes to mind is that person, a person who is is championing you. Like for me, my friend Deb comes to mind and it’s like, she will always fight for my most evolved self. So like in moments of doubt, so we’re not talking necessarily about the pain of loss, but we’re talking about Okay, making a decision or something and I’m doubting myself or I’m starting to, like lean toward, lean into, like programming I’ve received over time, there’s this intimate level of like, she sees me in my, she sees the truth underneath, whatever I may be presenting to her. And so she she’s going to hold me to that truth. She’s not going to just accept what I’m saying for face value, or tell me what I want to hear necessarily. Right? Like to keep me safe or it’s comfortable.
Victoria Volk 1:04:17
So it’s the person that calls you on your bias.
Patsy 1:04:20
Yes, yes, exactly. Exactly. Um,
Victoria Volk 1:04:25
Also too I think we had talked earlier before but the one thing too i thought was that I picked up on that you said that I think is an important characteristic and this is your so it’s not mine, but it’s yours, but it’s something I want to bring to attention for our listeners is that it’s someone who asks you how can I be there for you? How do I like what does it look like for me to be there for like, do you need just need me to sit here and listen, do you need me to do you want my InSite like asks you, like they asked you what you need. And I think that was a very important characteristic that you brought to light on, on a relationship that you have in your life of someone who would be a good heart with yours for you.
Patsy 1:05:15
Absolutely. And there’s a level of self awareness that they have right? within themselves, so
Victoria Volk 1:05:21
Awhoo, that’s good, too. Like, they’ve maybe done some personal development work themselves. And, you know, like you said, sense of awareness.
Patsy 1:05:31
Sense of awareness, becauseit’s like, you know, if I, if I call, and I think of this in reverse to, like, how have I been able to be that person for others in my life, but if the person is you, though, however, however, way the exchange unfolds, if I’m the one calling you, and I’m in tears, right? Sometimes I don’t even know what I need. So that’s one thing, but to have like, to you as the heart with yours, to have the awareness that those tears aren’t about you. Right? Or like, I, sometimes I find myself in this dance, because so often, we do share experiences, all of our, our all of our experiences are individual, but there’s a commonality or resonance in some of the life experiences that we have, right? As humans, so there can be a tendency within myself to want to share the experience I’ve had that may be similar, right? to yours. But in these I think specifically around processing grief, it’s recognizing, again, what what’s most helpful and asking that question, as opposed to projecting on to that person, like, Oh, I know exactly how you feel. Yes. You know, what I mean,
Victoria Volk 1:06:49
Which is what we tend to do in grief is we tend to compare losses and yeah, and try to create a connection, right? Where you may not feel a connection in that area of life, you know, right. Right. Right. So good, such a good conversation. Is there anything else that well, first of all, you are you have talked about your business, business transition? If someone is interested in reaching out to you based on something you shared, or can feel a connection to you in some way listening and hearing your grieving voice? Where can they find you a Patsy?
Patsy 1:07:35
Oh, good question. Um, I am rebuilding a business called and celebrate and I’m on Instagram over there @andcelebrate the word and spelled out, And the celebrate. And my website is coming soon. There’s a it’s exciting time because it’s, it’s in creation right now. Much of what I will be talking about through that platform really has a lot of key themes to what we talked about today. My vision is to create a platform that celebrates the human experience and all its messy, glorious, triumphant, not so shun sunshiny magical moments, you know, and to be sharing human human stories and expression of what it’s like to live. And so you can find me over there. And then my email address is [email protected]
Victoria Volk 1:08:36
Wonderful. I absolutely cannot wait to see and celebrate, make its re nude debut. Thank you amazing just like you inside out some, because I have no doubt it is a direct expression of who you are. Beautiful inside and out. So thank you for being a friend. Thank you.
Patsy 1:09:00
Oh Thank you.
Victoria Volk 1:09:01
Thank you for being my first guest.
Patsy 1:09:05
I’m so honored. Thank you for having me.
Victoria Volk 1:09:08
Thank you for trusting in me to walk you through the grief recovery and to be there for you in that way and for sharing all with me that you have. Thank you for sharing your grieving voice with my listeners today. So thank you. Yes, you’re welcome. And thank you for listening. We’ll be back next week with another interview.
Patsy 1:09:35
Incredible, I can’t wait to continue listening to the grieving voices as you host here on this platform.
Victoria Volk 1:09:41
Thank you so much, Patsy. From my heart to yours. Thank you for listening. If you liked this episode, please share it because Sharing is caring. And until next time, give and share compassion by being hurt with yours. And if you’re hurting Know that what you’re feeling is normal and natural. Much love my friend
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Grieving Voices Podcast, Living Unleashed, Podcast |
Apologies and Forgiveness
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Do you have a difficult time apologizing? Is there someone you wish you could forgive?
Apologies and forgiveness are two of the pillars and cornerstones of grief recovery. And, the beautiful thing about both, is they don’t require us to confront anyone, in person. And, even if the person is deceased, we are still able to process the feelings around apologies and forgiveness.In this episode, you will learn:
- What an apology is.
- How “forgiveness” and “condoning” differ.
- What to do if you’re a victim of abuse.
- What to do if the “offender” is living?
and more…
Mentioned in the episode:
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If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, there are free resources available HERE.
If you’d like to share your grieving voice on the show or want to share your thoughts about an episode, please send an email to [email protected].
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
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WAYS TO SUPPORT THE SHOW:
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA (@theunleashedheart):
We’re not taught how to effectively process what it is we’re feeling. And a huge component of the work that I do in grief recovery is about apologies and forgiveness. And initially, this week was going to be about intangible losses, which are the kind of loss that it’s not the death of a loved one or divorce or it’s like the secondary losses; it’s those things that not specific to a person. However, it can be a ripple loss due to the loss of a loved one.
So, for example, let’s say you get a divorce. Well, it’s the loss of maybe the life that you had, the home that you had, the support the financial support that you had, there’s a lot of other loss that happens in divorce and death of a spouse or death of a loved one, things like that. In the case of being a victim or being victimized, we can have a loss of trust, a loss of self-worth, loss of faith. That’s a big one. So that’s initially what I was going to talk about. But there was a conversation with some girlfriends recently and it kind of sparked this. I got a little revved up about it, actually; in talking about, we often talk about the story of what it is that happened to us. And which is easy to do, right? Someone asks you to tell the story, but rarely do people ask how it made you feel. And if someone were to ask you well, how did that make you feel? That’s probably when you would get the emotions coming up for you. That’s when you might realize, maybe I haven’t processed everything fully. Maybe there’s more to dig into here. Maybe there’s something residual that is still lying dormant. Things can provoke us. That might happen and provoke us and cause us to reflect on a certain time in the past or when we were victimized or experienced trauma. And that’s an indicator if especially if you have a physical response to that, it’s that muscle memory.
When We Apologize
But there’s emotion tied to that. There’s going to be an emotional residual residue that makes sense, emotional residue. I’ll say that emotional residue from that experience unless we’ve learned how to effectively process it and take actual action with the apologies and forgiveness that I’m going to talk about today. So when we apologize, we’re actually apologizing for anything that we did or did not do that may have hurt someone else. So let’s say when we steal something from someone else, we apologize. That was for something that we did. When it comes to apologies, the focus is on ourselves and how we perceive our own actions or inactions. Grief recovery helps you work through the apologies like these for a relationship in which you are incomplete. And the beautiful thing about it is that you don’t have to apologize in person. In fact, some should remain private and indirect. For example, if you cause someone physical harm or emotional damage, what if they don’t accept your apology? You haven’t helped the relationship; there aren’t any mended fences, and what more likely, the person may not accept it. And that’s where forgiveness is often intertwined with apologies in this manner. The other person hasn’t worked through forgiveness, and they likely wouldn’t accept an apology.
Forgive Yourself
That’s why it’s so important that we work through and process apologies and forgiveness, for the most part, privately. Now, I’m not saying never apologize when you know you’re in the wrong, don’t hang your hat on it being accepted, and acknowledged that it’s not their responsibility to absolve you of your feelings. And this is where we must forgive ourselves, which is also an inside job. So what if, though you are a victim, whether you survived a physical assault or emotional, psychological abuse, many people develop lifelong relationships with their pain and act like victims. I personally experienced this. And that’s why I have a whole chapter devoted to victim mindset in my book; this became one of the biggest veils of my potential in my life. And what do I mean by that the biggest veil? Because I like to think of grief as a veil, a veil that covers our eyes to ourselves and how we see ourselves and how we see the world. So when things didn’t go right in my life, or someone let me down or took advantage of me in various ways. Yet again, I didn’t see that my default and automatic response to my life circumstances were to slip into being the victim.
Being a child that is physically and emotionally taken advantage of lays the foundation of learned behavior, to be in survival mode, fearful of the future, an inability to live in the present, and a skewed sense of what nurturing love and compassion really look like. Therefore, victims have a really hard time apologizing. How and Why would I need to apologize to the person who molested me as a child? How and Why would I need to apologize to the person who sexually assaulted me? These are big questions and not easy ones to process. However, I have learned that even the slightest transgression should be given a voice. We, humans, have a desire to be right. And it’s this need to be right rather than happy that causes us additional suffering. We can be right, or we can be happy. And often, the hardest apology to give is the one that needs to be given. If I apologize, you may be wondering, isn’t that absolving someone of their responsibility, and what happened? No, it is merely owning your role in the relationship, not necessarily the incident. But no matter how slight it is, it’s important to give it a voice.
Forgiveness Becomes our Friend
To really move beyond the emotional suffering of being a victim. Forgiveness becomes our friend. Forgiveness is giving up the hope of a different or better yesterday. And being a victim, forgiveness does not equal condoning. These two terms are misunderstood in our society, and that the belief is that if we forgive, we are condoning the behavior. Webster’s dictionary, though, defines forgive as to cease to feel resentment against an offender. Whereas condone means to treat as trivial, harmless, or of no importance. If these two words meant the same thing, we would never be able to forgive. This implies we’re trivializing horrible events. And as a victim, you would never do that. However, if we talk about forgiveness, now that’s on the path to healing. When we get stuck on the story of past traumatic or victimizing events, it limits us and restricts our ability to participate fully in our life. And I can personally attest to this, especially once I had my three kids for sure. Forgiveness is the completion of the pain. The opposite is the retention of resentment. When we forgive, we are acquiring our own sense of well-being. Forgiveness is an action; it’s not a feeling. And you cannot feel forgiveness until you do it. Action first, feeling follows. Forgiveness is giving up the resentment you hold against another person.
So what if the other person you need to forgive is living? That’s another beautiful thing about grief recovery. You do this privately without ever saying one word to the other person. We never want to forgive someone directly to their face. Because again, what if the person on the receiving end didn’t realize or believe that they did anything wrong? You’re your back in emotional jail, and the other person’s defenses go way up. Finally, what about asking for forgiveness? When you do this, it’s manipulating. You are asking someone to do something you need to do for yourself. If you are asking for forgiveness, what you’re really needing and trying to do is apologize.
Through Grief Recovery
Don’t ask for forgiveness; instead, make an apology. And through grief recovery, you can address apologies and forgiveness and so much more for any relationship to someone living or deceased through taking empowering action for your well-being. Well, there you have the information I needed to share today on apologies and forgiveness. And I really feel like I’ve kind of flew through it. But take your time, listen through it again if you need to, and reflect on your life on where you need to apologize or forgive where you’re waiting for an apology that you may never get and forgive that person for the apology you will never receive. Resentment is a poison that we take hoping the other person dies. And the apologies and the forgiveness components were probably the most significant portions of the grief recovery method for me personally because I was a victim of sexual assault sexual abuse. And there was a lot that I needed to process through too many relationships with people living in my life that required me to wrap my head around and fully embrace forgiveness and apologies and not for the other person, but rather for myself for my well-being.
P.S. So, this is very empowering work. And if you want to learn more, I encourage you to reach out if you have a question about apologies or forgiveness, don’t hesitate to email me [email protected], or you can DM me, I’m on Facebook, and Instagram messaged me there, wherever you feel comfortable to reach out. If this was helpful to you, if you found this informative, if it resonated with you, I would love for you to share it with someone who needs to hear this message today.
Grief Tips, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness, Pespective, Resources |
Replay Today and Rehearse Tomorrow
There is a lot of empowerment that comes with reflecting on your day and rehearsing the day ahead. I found myself doing this regularly, only when I started using The Five Minute Journal. And, I gotta say, I’ve noticed a marked improvement in my productivity and feelings of abundance, too. It may be part psychological but, I do know that I have noticed that if I write the same thing several days in a row, it’s the motivation I need to “get ‘er done.” And, I’ve also found all the little ways I am blessed. I just feel like it’s been a great motivator for me. It’s me against me; I’m only comparing myself to the me who made an entry the day before. I do think that’s a powerful aspect of using this little book; it has the potential to be transformative. I also see it as a wonderful tool as someone is working to heal through grief.
On tough days, it can be challenging to find the littlest thing to be grateful for, and feeling the opposite of that is not empowering. I wrote a post a while back about making little changes and, this book definitely makes my list now.
Replay Today
When you reflect on the day, consider what could’ve made the day even better. Maybe you passed someone you knew whose energy seemed off, and rather than stopping to say hello and ask how they were doing, you, instead, made it seem like you were preoccupied and gave a slight wave. And, now you regret not saying hello because you sense something is wrong. Reflecting on that moment and what you could have done differently helps bring that awareness to the forefront. And perhaps, the next time you see that person, you will apologize for not following through on your gut. Not delivering that communication of regret stays within you.
Moments, such as the one described above, happen in our lives all of the time. We just give those moments very little attention. This little book helps to bring moments like that to the forefront.
Similarly, you also can reflect on what was amazing about the day – gratitude! What a great way to end the day!
Rehearse Tomorrow
A natural thing happens when you reflect on the present day; you start thinking about the next day. And, although this isn’t a step to work through in this little journal I’m talking about, I think it naturally happens, at least it does for me. I also typically plan my week ahead on Sundays. Doing this activity helps me to prepare for the week ahead mentally. I plan out what needs to get done and when. I’m not perfect at getting everything done that I set out to do, but as I mentioned, when I write these things in this little book and don’t get them done, it’s highly motivating. I don’t need to look to others to motivate me – it’s possible to find it myself, which is found through action only I can take (and you, too)!
I also believe that by rehearsing tomorrow, you can go into the day with intention. And, going about your time with intention is a way to uplevel your day (and life), too.
Applying Replay & Rehearse to Grief
Again, it comes down to awareness, intention, and action. As you go through your days, you will find a theme emerging. You will start to see where you can stand to make some changes. And, you can make some micro changes that add up to big shifts over time. And, both reflection and gratitude are tools for doing just that.
Wrapping you in love and light today and always. Thank you for reading.
Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Grieving Voices Podcast |
Grief Shaming
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY
Grievers are often on the receiving end of some hurtful, even harmful, unsolicited advice. They’re often told how they should be grieving, how long, and how they should be feeling. Analytical, judgemental, and criticizing comments like these go back to all of the Myths of Grief that I talk about in Episode 4.
In this episode, I use widows and widowers as my example of what to say and what not to say to the griever after the death of their spouse/significant other. In this episode, you will learn those tips and more, including taking faith into consideration. We don’t all believe the same, therefore, it’s important to use caution when it comes to faith-based remarks.
Referenced in this episode:
Episode 4: Myths of Grief
Episode 6: The Manifestation of Grief (STERBS discussed in this episode)
Grief Support
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If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, there are free resources available HERE.
If you’d like to share your grieving voice on the show or want to share your thoughts about an episode, please send an email to [email protected].
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
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WAYS TO SUPPORT THE SHOW:
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA (@theunleashedheart):
It’s important because of how Grievers slip into the myths of grief. You know, the Don’t feel bad, replace the loss. All of those things that I’ve talked about many times; grieve alone, be strong, keep busy, and time heals all wounds. It’s these messages that we receive as Grievers from society from well-intentioned people in our lives, who likely have not swept their own doorstep in terms of addressing their own grief. But yet people tend to share unsolicited advice of what other Grievers should be doing shouldn’t be doing, how long they should be grieving or shouldn’t be grieving. And this post is about that.
People are Well-Intentioned
Social media can be an excellent tool to reconnect with family and friends and stay connected and nurture new relationships. However, there’s also a less favorable side to social media. And we all know there’s cyberbullying, which is an issue not only for teens but also for adults. But have you ever considered the harmful things people say to others who are grieving, and maybe things that you’ve even spoken to others who are grieving? I think this is especially true right now, as we all address and deal with COVID. But I believe people are well-intentioned. However, even well-intentioned people can do some emotional damage to an already hurting heart. In fact, 85% of the things people say to the widowed, for example, are not helpful. And I will be talking about widows or widowers in this post, using that loss as an example because it is very common. So think about how you can apply what I share today to other types of losses as you listen. But you know, furthermore, there can be remarks made in response to someone sharing about their grief online that tell the person how they should be over their grief by now or how they should be presently handling it. Or maybe people go as far as to tell the person to stop sharing their emotional pain online.
I’ve actually seen this, and people that I’ve worked with through grief recovery have shared with me that this has been said to them. And I’m going to call this for what it is. It is grief shaming. Instead of body shaming people, Grievers become victims of grief shaming. It’s the critical, analytical, and judgmental responses to sharing their emotional pain. And this term came to me during a conversation with my mentor. I had not heard this term before. And in the process of actually creating the blog post, I googled it. And Alas, I can say it’s not an original idea. And I’ve read several other blog posts by Grievers who have felt grief shamed themselves. So this topic is not something new. But I think it’s essential to bring to light the emotional damage unhelpful comments can do. And it ultimately boils down to the fact that society has no idea what to do or say in response to grief.
When Grief Recovery Institute Started
When John James had started the grief recovery Institute, he chose the name grief recovery, despite being told by many that people will not want to talk about grief. And that is why he chose the phrase grief recovery. The narrative around grief needed to change then. Which was, at the time, in the late 70s. And it still needs to change. Unfortunately, what I find with grief recovery is when you begin to give yourself compassion, and recovery opens your heart more fully to the pain of others. Grief recovery isn’t only about healing. It’s educational, too. And I think we all would agree that we could use more knowledge when it comes to grief. So back to grief shaming, which to me is the feeling the griever has after sharing their emotional pain, and others share remarks that are criticizing, judging, and analyzing of what the griever shared. I’ve said it before. But grief involves healing a broken heart, not a broken brain. And the more other people attempt to fix widows and widowers, for example, or any griever with intellectual comments and advice, the more isolated they feel. They might even start to think something is wrong with them because they are still grieving.
11 Things not to say to a Widow or Widower
Be grateful for the time you were married.
You’re still young; you can always remarry.
You must stay strong for your children.
Don’t feel bad; your husband is no longer in pain. And that’s you know, especially if they died of an illness.
Your wife wouldn’t want you to be sad; she’d want you to celebrate her life.
Everything happens for a reason.
This might be a good time for you to get a new pet or take up a new hobby.
Make sure you donate all your husband’s stuff to charity; you don’t need any reminders of him.
Make sure you don’t throw away any of your wife’s stuff; you will regret it. It just takes time.
And finally, I know what you’re going through.
And then the person starts talking about their own loss.
Online or in-person remarks like these are not helpful because although they may be intellectually valid, they’re not addressing the feelings of the heart. Therefore they’re doing more damage than good. The griever is left feeling shame or embarrassment for sharing in the first place. When all they’re trying to do is process what they’re feeling. I’ll say this until I’m blue in the face. We don’t know what to do with our feelings when it comes to grief. Expressing them in the only way we know or are familiar with is what we resort to instead. And when a griever hears judgment, criticism, or analysis, they end up grieving in isolation.
So tell me, is it any wonder why our obesity rate is what it is? Why our alcohol and drug addiction is an epidemic? How the debt of individuals also accrue continually increase over time? Of course, this is due to many reasons. However, on average, and 2019 people are spending just as much of their income on paying down current debt as they are on accruing new debt for clothes and trips. According to a nationwide study, so that was 2019, I am not sure what the numbers would be for 2020, considering we had COVID. However, essentially, Americans are paying billions overall in interest and are continually in debt. In grief recovery, these modes of distraction, such as food, alcohol, drugs, shopping, workaholism, or gambling, and many more, in our lives are called STERBS, short-term energy relieving behaviors. And I actually have an episode on that a while back. And I could do a whole topic of that, just a podcast episode again, probably on that as well. But I digress back to shame, grief shaming yet again.
Here are helpful things to say to a Widow or Widower Instead
What happened? Ask what happened, then listen to their reply. You can do the most loving thing for widows and widowers who want and need to be listened to is to do just that, without judgment, comparison, or trying to fix them.
And it may also be helpful to ask how they felt at the time because often, two people get wrapped up in the story of what happened, but they’re rarely asked how it made them feel.
Another thing you can say is, I don’t know what to say. And it’s okay to tell the truth if you don’t know what to say. Your honesty allows the widowed to know you’re a safe person to talk to because they’ll know you aren’t trying to fix them.
Another thing to say, I can’t imagine how you feel. No two relationships are the same because they are comprised of two different people. So even if you’ve had a spouse die, you could never know exactly how another widow or widower feels.
At best, only you know how you felt when your loss occurred. Comparing losses is never helpful when offering advice or suggestions.
It breaks my heart to hear of your loss. This is a good one. Following up with a fond memory of the person who died also expresses how their loved one touched your life.
You can also give an emoji of a sad face or tears. You know we are in a time of texting and messaging and things like that we often don’t see people face to face. But just sending emojis, expressing your feelings is a far more positive response to their pain. Rather than telling them, they shouldn’t feel bad.
Regardless of the griever or the type of loss they’ve endured, the most helpful things you could say are likely not what your impulses tell you to say. So I caution you when replying to agree or sharing online or in person. Instead, dig into your heart, not your head, and approach the situation as if you’re holding the griever’s heart in your hands.
We are all Grievers
Utilize the suggestions I have given and change them up to reflect their loss and maybe even help to imagine them as a child. Because often adults say things to other adults that they would never say to a child. And you know, what? Aren’t we all holding our inner child in our hearts? We carry all of our losses with us from childhood into adulthood. Therefore, we are all Grievers. It’s just some are willing to admit it to others when the most compassionate thing they could do for themselves is to admit it to themselves. So another thing to keep in mind. While you may have found great assistance in your faith at times of personal loss, do not assume that this is the best way to assist others. Grievers, especially those dealing with an emotional loss caused by death, might still find themselves in emotional pain while still being secure in their relationship to their faith.
They may even have conflicting feelings regarding their faith as well, primarily if religion or faith was used against them in past loss experiences. Their relationship to their emotions and their faith are two different things. Many Christians often forget that the shortest sentence in the Bible is Jesus wept. It’s only reasonable that mere mortals might cry as well, even if their beliefs are strong. And it is my opinion that the Bible does not tell us the how of recovering from grief. Or faith can undoubtedly help us through the darkest of the days. When thoughts of your loved one come to mind, in fond memories turn, painful recovery has not occurred. You may have convinced yourself you are. However, when another significant emotional loss occurs later and stacks on top of the ones before it, you will be taken back to that old familiar pain you experienced before. The past hurt and pain will rise again to the surface. And when this happens, think about the STERBS that I mentioned go back to that episode as well.
Recovery is an Ongoing Process
Our minds concoct all kinds of ways to distract ourselves from our hearts. And I’ve only begun to scratch the surface on this topic. And as you’ve been listening (or reading), you may believe you’ve been doing just fine with your grief. But something you’ve heard (or read) is perhaps needling at you, pressing a button on your heart that makes you squirm in your seat. Perhaps you even want to email me and tell me I’ve got it all wrong – I get that. What we resist persists. And I know you because I was you and still am you in ways because recovery is an ongoing process. I am a work in progress. You are a work in progress. And healing is a work in progress, too. However, recovery is only in progress. Once we can admit to ourselves that we need it, tell the truth about ourselves – to ourselves. Start there. And when you’re ready, you know where to find me. So I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.
Have you felt grief shamed? Have you recognized where you may have been grief-shamed by someone else? And if that’s the case, you know what, forgive yourself for that. And if you need to offer an apology, do so. Seek out education about grief, how to support others, how to support yourself. This is why I’m so passionate about grief education. Because as we start to work on ourselves, it creates ripples. And this work that I’ve done on myself has definitely created ripples in my life.
P.S. I hope this was helpful to you. Apply it to any losses that you’ve maybe encountered and will encounter because grief isn’t going away anytime soon. I thank you for listening. Reach out to me if you have any questions. If you are interested in any of the services I provide, if you want to dig deeper into your grief, reach out to me [email protected], or you can find me on Instagram or Facebook. I hope this finds you well today, and I wish you much love.
Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast |
Searching for Meaning
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
In grief, we often search for meaning to our losses. Through my personal story and examples, I illustrate the ways we do this.
You may have found yourself creating memorial walks, pursuing activism or legislation, or fundraisers following the death of a loved one or traumatic experience. And, doing these things are great, as they are a contribution to society. However, sometimes we do these things as a means to distract ourselves and channel our pain, thereby, trying to avoid the actual feelings we’re feeling.
I explore this topic in today’s episode and plan to do so, even more, in-depth at a later date. I feel like it’s an area of grief that’s not talked about often, but that explains a lot about our basic human needs and condition as they relate to grief.
If there’s a topic you’d like me to explore more deeply on the podcast, send your requests my way here.
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If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, there are free resources available HERE.
If you’d like to share your grieving voice on the show or want to share your thoughts about an episode, please send an email to [email protected].
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
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WAYS TO SUPPORT THE SHOW:
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA (@theunleashedheart):
As you all know I am a long-time griever – 30 plus years. And after grieving for so long, I just felt like that long time suffering was not going to be for nothing. I felt like I needed to do something with my suffering. And I believe we find our passions alongside our trauma and our grief. It’s why so many people after they lose someone, tend to have memorial walks or fundraisers or awareness around a certain issue they go to legislation to have some laws created or changed. We feel like we need to do something with our pain. And if you don’t feel this way that’s normal and natural to. And these things can be helpful. However, they don’t address the pain. It’s like putting pain into motion, it’s giving it a function or a job to do. However, it can also be a distraction. And when you find yourself, putting on these yearly memorial walks or these fundraisers and things like that, ask yourself is doing all these things and activities a distraction? Am I trying to busy myself from what I’m feeling? Because if that is the case, then it may be time to really address the story, address the feelings behind the story. And that’s all great and well to want to raise money and bring awareness and things like that. I’m only saying if it’s done as a distraction, or if you feel like it’s just a way to distract yourself really I mean that’s really the only best way I can put it. If it’s for a distraction. That’s not addressing the pain.
The 2 Camps of People
We often seek meaning for that which we can’t find meaning. So in other words, especially when we feel our loss was senseless too soon and explicable, traumatic. We desire to make sense of what we can’t understand. I believe there are two camps of people. They’re those who will say it was their time, it’s in God’s hands. And you may feel that way but not everyone does. So, please don’t say this to grievers. It’s unhelpful and it’s hurtful. And because no matter what you think or feel or say, the griever wishes their loved one was here with them in the flesh. People may also to say, it is what it is they have this attitude of, well, it is what it is, it’s they passed away. Again, that’s kind of saying it was their time, things like that. So that’s one camp of people and the other camp of people feel like there must be a reason why I’m experiencing this. And what is it? Why me? Why them? And this is where we set ourselves on a mission to find or make meaning or sense of what was lost. Regardless of the camp that you are in, always follow the griever’s lead when they’re sharing with you about their loss. Leave your own analysis or criticisms out of the conversation. Because as I said, not everyone feels or believes the same way. When I realized I wasn’t okay, and understood the ways that grief had impacted me. I then had the feeling that all these years of suffering could not and will not be for nothing.
With the Help of Recovery Method
I wanted more than anything to just feel better, and be a helper of others in grief. Because after experiencing what I had in working in a nursing home, working in home health and hospice, I knew that I had the empathy, compassion, and the heart to do it. Those years of work led to today and the work I’m doing now as a grief recovery specialist and energy healer, I found my purpose and my pain, your journey will be different. We never know where pain will lead us. But if we’re open to healing and are willing to ask for help and accept it, we can transmute our pain from darkness to light. By seeking education and new tools and help for navigating the emotional suffering that we experience. We are then able to transmute our emotional suffering from darkness to light. But it’s really a difficult road and a long road when we attempt to do that on our own. Now, I’m not saying that you have to go through grief recovery in order to feel lighter, to feel better, or anything like that. There are many ways to skin a cat. So they say right. But I’m telling you what worked for me. And grief recovery worked for me to help me transmute that emotional suffering from many years into something beautiful, into a way that I can give back and pay it forward. Because this work does create ripples in lives. This work created ripples in my life. I feel like I am a much better parent, a more compassionate spouse.
When Memorial Walk is Over
I just feel like it amplified those qualities that I always possessed. But I wasn’t necessarily used on a regular daily basis. And because I feel like I’ve been able to shed a lot of the grief that I had been carrying for so many years. It has opened my eyes to possibilities and opportunities that I don’t believe I would have seen otherwise. And so it really is important to recognize when we are stuck when we are not addressing our emotional wellness and when we are distracting ourselves by doing all the things that feel good while we’re doing them that make us feel like we have a purpose. But what about when that memorial walk is over and you go back home? It’s you can plan and execute and all of those things, but you still go back home and you still go back in your bed at night and feel the same feelings, right? Grief makes us feel like we don’t have a choice or a say in our lives.
And by doing those activities that make us feel purposeful, that make us feel good, that give our pain a purpose, they make us feel like we are given a choice. And we are making a choice by our own agency that it is of our own doing and that we are creating something out of what we are feeling emotionally, and putting it to work. However, wouldn’t it be a better choice to really dig into the feelings around the loss itself. And when you go to bed at night, actually feeling like it’s not keeping you stuck in every other area of your life. Because even while we’re doing those amazing things and these projects that are keeping us busy and making us feel like we have a purpose, what doesn’t change is that in everyday experiences that our loved one is not there with us, right? And so how do we go about addressing those feelings? There’s a book by Viktor Frankl called Man’s Search for Meaning. And it’s his story and an expression of his experience as a prisoner in the Nazi camp. And so it’s been on my reading list for quite some time. But I really wish to dig into this topic even more maybe down the road after I’ve read that book because I do feel like it is just an inclination that we have in grief, to find meaning for our suffering.
P.S. Catch all episodes of Grieving Voices HERE or on your preferred platform HERE. If you are enjoying this, please share it because Sharing is Caring. If there’s something that you wish for me to speak to message me, send me an email [email protected]. Thank you very much. I wish you a beautiful day 💛 Much love, my friend.
Childhood Grief, Educational, Grief, Grief Stories, Grief Tips, Grieving Voices Podcast |
Can You Recover From Grief?
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Do you believe that you do not have any undelivered emotional communications?
Do you believe that you’ve made peace in a relationship with someone who’s died?
Discover, in today’s episode, the truth behind these questions, after you’ve heard some examples of what “undelivered communications” may look like in your day-to-day life. And, more importantly, why there’s hope.
We often neglect to share our hearts with others, for fear of sounding silly, making the other person upset, or for fear of rejection. We also neglect to tell the truth about ourselves if we don’t feel safe to do so as well. This is often the case within the context of dysfunctional relationships.
Learn today if you have some unfinished emotional business and also learn a bit about a new offering that is near and dear to my heart toward the end.
Mentioned in today’s episode:
Miranda Lambert | The House That Built Me
Helping Children with Loss
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If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, there are free resources available HERE.
If you’d like to share your grieving voice on the show or want to share your thoughts about an episode, please send an email to [email protected].
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
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WAYS TO SUPPORT THE SHOW:
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA (@theunleashedheart):
I’m pretty sure you’re probably thinking, heck no, because if you’re a longtime grieving like I was 30 plus years, you’re probably thinking there is no hope. I’m always going to feel this way. I’m always going to be struggling with this. And I’m here to tell you, there is hope. You see the truth is the key to recovery. And not long ago, a good friend of mine, Michelle shared a quote on her Instagram and I’d like to read it to you. When we first tried to open her eyes after sleep it hurts. Truth gives us the same pain when it illuminates our minds. This is not an excuse to hide from it. Very true. And I thought of grief. As I read that. I’m not sure if that was necessarily her intent of it. I don’t believe it was but it’s pretty easy for me to tie everything back to grief. And so that quote definitely made me think of grief. If you’re interested in learning more about my friend Michelle and her wise words, you can find her on Instagram @happymemichelle. I also wanna share an excerpt from the grief recovery handbook. The essence of recovery is contained in the premise of being totally honest about ourselves in relation to others. However, as humans, it is virtually impossible not to have impressions and opinions about others. So we must allow that our perception of others may limit or restrict our recovery. Being super critical of what others did or did not do usually leads to an inaccurate appraisal of our relationship with them. How’s that for a truth bomb for you? Right?
Grief Recovery is Possible
Whether you’re grieving someone or a relationship or aspects of a relationship you don’t like, even if you have strong resentment or even hate. I’m here to tell you that grief recovery is possible. Do you believe you do not have any undelivered emotional communications? If you do, I’m going to tell you right now, that’s likely false. What you may not consider is that we really struggle to share our inner thoughts with others. Don’t you agree with that? If my son, heaven forbid, he’s 15. His name is Xavier. If he were to die tomorrow, I know that I haven’t shared everything with him that I appreciate what’s hurt me or that I admire about him. For example, he’s amazing with young children. And he’s patient and he’s playful, and he devotes all his attention to those little ones. He also has respect for his elders, he’ll open doors, he says please, and thank you, and most of their lawn just because he is a very good kid. And he approaches every goal with determination. And you know what? He doesn’t know all of these things. Because I haven’t told him. When was the last time you shared communications like this with your child, parent, sister, spouse? When was the last time you shared your heart with someone? What they mean to you? Maybe even how they’ve hurt you?
Or how about when trust has been broken with a friend? Do they know? We often avoid the hard conversations to for fear of rocking the boat, ruffling feathers, or avoiding confrontation. So yes, I am 99.9% certain that as you’re listening to this, that you have undelivered emotional communications with friends or foes and that both positive and negative, you may have unfinished business. If there was a long-term illness and you’re a caregiver, you were likely preoccupied as the caregiver, and not one you cared for was the patient-focused on their illness and their treatment and their medication and focused on just getting better. You can’t speak to each other like you normally would. Or how about the instance of divorce? It isn’t until the sense of finality when the gunk hits us. What if it’s a negative relationship? And you have lots of hopes and dreams, you hope to mend fences, you may wait for an apology that you’ll never get. And doing that my friend keeps you in emotional jail. If it’s a dysfunctional home, you may have realized that you missed out on a normal, healthy childhood; what would have been normal. Understand that unfinished emotions attach themselves to future events.
My Childhood Experience
I’ll use my personal experience to illustrate how unfinished emotions attach themselves to future events. In my childhood, I had been molested. And because of that, I developed a lack of trust, a lack of self-worth. I sought out unhealthy relationships. I had been looking for someone to fill a need that I couldn’t give myself. I was filled with shame. I also abused alcohol. And I got myself into unsafe situations. And I took risks. And I didn’t care. There’s a song by Miranda Lambert called the house that built me. And it was a song that really spoke to me in my 20s into my 30s and really captured a lot of what I had been feeling in terms of grief and things like that. And part of the lyrics goes like this: I thought if I could touch this place or feel it, this brokenness inside me might start healing. Out here it’s like I’m someone else. I thought maybe I could find myself. If I could just come in, I swear I’ll leave; won’t take nothing but a memory from the house that built me. You leave home, you move on, and you do the best you can. I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am. The lyrics in that song encompass a lot of what I had been feeling for many years. And now that you likely realize that you have to unfinished business, emotional business within a relationship, or undelivered emotional communications. I will share that yes, you can recover from grief due to the examples I gave or too many other causes.
Evidence-Based Program
And now I’ll share a little bit of how the grief recovery method is the only evidence-based program for moving beyond impact processing grief. The only one. It’s not based on evidence. It’s evidence-based. Meaning it’s not based on testimonials. It’s actually based on actual data that had been conducted in a study I can’t University. So yes, this program works. If you do the work and continue to apply the tools and education you receive to every relationship that you have. That is emotionally incomplete. I have applied this method to relationships with people in my life living deceased, to alcohol, which by the way I’m nine months now alcohol-free. I’ve applied it to money, my inner child or that relationship I have to myself. This is the one method that I come back to over and over and over. It is why I cannot not talk about it. When I say it’s changed my life that is not Fufu talk. I look back on who I was on that plane to Austin, Texas in March 2019. And who I am now and it’s apples and oranges. The changes I’ve made in my life, the impact that this program has had on my heart, and the ripples it’s created to still to this day still. Just blow my mind. And you know what, there were unexpected results as well and changes because not everyone in your life will be comfortable with your growth. And sometimes we outgrow relationships. But know that even if that happens, even if the people that you are closest to, start fading to the background, as they start to recognize and see these changes that you go through. Know that you’ll have grief recovery to fall back on to process that relationship as well. This is an educational program, as much as it is a therapeutic one. Even though it’s not therapy, it’s just very therapeutic. But it’s tools that you will have in your back pocket for the rest of your life. And you know what they say about education? No one, no one can take your education away from you.
Do you believe me now? When I say that you can recover from grief? Do you recognize that you may have emotional undelivered communications and unfinished business with the relationship in your life? These are big questions if you’re honest, and you tell the truth to yourself, about what it is that is still emotionally incomplete for you. That’s when you start to realize where the healing needs to start where it needs to take place where you’ve got some work to do. And I’m laying out a program for you. It’s here, it’s right here. And it’s available to you, no matter where you are, no matter where you’re listening to this, I can work with you one on one online. And we can start as soon as you’re ready. It is an incredible time, right now. There’s a lot of change. There’s a lot of dis-ease in our lives. There’s a lot of unrest going on in the world. But I’ll tell you one thing if you start to dig into your heart, and you start to do this work, and you start to peel back the onion that’s filled with all of the gunk, and the layers of hurt. And all of that stuff. If you start to peel that back, bit by bit, you feel lighter and lighter and lighter. And that is how I came home on that plane.
There is Hope
Back in March of 2019. I came home so much lighter, and an emotional boulder had been lifted from my shoulders. Now, I’m not going to say that it’s going to be as dramatic or it’s going to feel as massive of a shift that I felt. Because grief is individual. And it’s unique to each and every one of us. But if you’ve listened to this podcast long enough, or if you’ve read my book or if you read my blog at all, you will know that I’ve had a lot of grief in my life. So if I can share that this works for me and that it can work for you. That’s my hope. That is hope. And so when I open this podcast today, I said that maybe this episode is more about hope. And I think it is. So I’m going to leave you with that today that there is hope. As you listen to this, as you’ve reflected on your life, the losses that you’ve endured, the pain, the suffering, the hurt, know that I’ve been there too, for many years, and it is often the things that we can’t say to people. And I’m getting emotional as I start to say this. But this method can change your life. Like it changed mine. Because the hard things that we can’t say to people that we feel like we can’t say that we don’t feel safe, sane. We don’t need to say them to the other person. We can utilize this program and the container that it is delivered in and with me as a facilitator to address what is emotionally incomplete and a safe, supported, step-by-step way.
I’ve been sharing about the helping children with Loss Program, which is another phenomenal program based on the grief recovery method, but it’s specifically for the adults in children’s lives. It is the program that I wish my mother would have known about. That I wish if she would have known about that, she would have utilized it because I don’t know that I would have suffered in my life. As much as I had the opportunity to process this grief, way back when that program, the helping children with Loss Program is prevention. That’s where this program that I’ve been talking about today is recovery. But there is actually a program for prevention. And that’s why I’m very passionate as well about that program.
P.S. I hope you feel the hope in my heart for you.
Childhood Grief, Educational, Grief, Grief Stories, Grief Tips, Mind/Body Wellness, Parent Loss |
Losing a parent is a complex experience. You may feel shock, anger or frustration, or a combination of all three. Other common experiences include feeling guilty if you weren’t there for their death or a sense of the current situation not feeling like a reality.
As a child and even when you become an adult, you expect to have your parents around for many years to come. You believe that they’re going to be there, watching over you, providing you with their help and support until you’re well into adulthood yourself. But that’s not how it always works out. Many people lose parents early as I did (age 8).
Therefore, in this post, we take a look at some of the things that you can do after you lose a parent (from an adult perspective) and why the experience is so complex.
Do What You Need To Do To Take Care Of Your Wellbeing
Grief can have a profound physiological effect on the body. That’s because it puts you into a state of shock and can often happen without any warning. Even if you have forewarning, there is nothing that finalizes a loss like that person’s death. Even though you may know it’s coming, the finality of it often doesn’t hit until after the loved one passes. You may feel as though the person is already gone, depending on the circumstances (such as in the case of terminal illness or dementia). However, again, it’s not until the loved one passes where the finality hits.
Before the passing of the loved one, there are plenty of distractions, too. Doctor visits, daily tasks of caregiving and support, and logistical and practical things people need to be taken care of while they’re alive. Before a loved one passes, these familiar patterns of behavior suddenly change with death, and this alone can put people into an emotional tailspin. Suddenly, the need to be needed is no longer there. For some, this may come as a huge relief. However, it’s still a change in a familiar pattern of behavior. For others, it’s the sudden awareness of time and this desire to fill that space of time starts to creep in, so what do many grievers do? They find a way to keep busy. And, far too often, that is the unhelpful advice others will give, too. “Just stay busy and, you’ll be fine – eventually.” So, so unhelpful to a griever.
Therefore it’s at times like these that you need to ensure that you’re looking after yourself better than you usually would. Getting enough sleep, for instance, is critical. If you struggle with sleep normally because of work, you may request bereavement leave or a change in your duties. I’ve had several podcast guests share in this sentiment, too, to take the necessary time off. You will not be as productive, anyway. When we break a leg, we go to the doctor and take the necessary time off from work to heal. Why do we not do this with our hearts? Gotchya there, didn’t I? It’s absolutely true! Our hearts need time to mend, just like any broken body part would. Granted, there is no timeline to grief, and it can feel like a luxury to have time off. For some people, that’s simply not an option. That being said, what are your options? You may need to get creative, but sometimes just changing how you work can benefit your emotional health significantly. Maybe grief will help you to realize that the environment in which you’re working is toxic and that it’s time to find something else more nurturing to your spirit.
Grief is a clarifier, and it awakens the dormancy of other hurts in our hearts. Use the awareness that it brings to make positive changes forward for your well-being.
Another area you’ll want to tend to is ensuring that you prioritize your nutrition and cooking, even if you don’t feel like eating. Healthy foods are one of the best ways to get on the road to recovery. Clearly, aim for moderation in all things, and avoid alcohol use as dependency on it long-term can harm you. As I’ve shared before, alcohol and food can easily become STERBS (short-term energy relieving behaviors) that we resort to when all we want is to feel better. These things don’t make us feel better after, though. They only pile on the guilt and shame.
Share Memories
Telling stories about the loved parent that you’ve lost can actually aid you in your bereavement. Talking to grandchildren about your parents’ lives, for instance, allows you to appreciate their life and stops you from bottling it all up.
I recall a story that broke my heart. This person was an adult whose parent had recently died. The person expressed how upset it made them when their child brought up the grandparent (this person’s parent) and how they would, essentially, shut the child down from talking about their beloved grandpa. This absolutely broke my heart.
Young children know how to grieve. Heck, they express every emotion there is, don’t they? However, as we age, it is the adults in our lives (and unhelpful and hurtful) messages in society that perpetuate this belief that we are to not share our feelings and are to grieve alone. Therefore, emotionally stifled children become emotionally stifled adults. And, these beliefs about how to grieve are then passed on to the next generation.
Do you see why this is important to understand and why I am so passionate about educating about grief? Our future generations rely on us getting this through our heads and doing better than the generation before us.
So please, as much as it hurts you, put your adult ego aside, and please allow children the time and space to express themselves. Have the conversations about how you miss your loved one – together. Cry – together. Grieve – together. You are teaching a valuable lesson that they will carry with them well into adulthood.
I was not given that opportunity, like so many children aren’t. As an adult, expressing yourself and sharing memories is the fastest (and healthiest) way to feeling better. And, it’s so important to choose your listening ears wisely, too.
Do Something To Remember Them
You can also pay your respects by creating a tribute memorial for a loved one. This could be anything, from planting their favorite flowers in your backyard to creating a home shrine. You could also explore financial options, such as donating to their favorite charity.
Take Time To Forgive
Before you roll your eyes, read on…💛
Some people are angry with their parents. So, emotionally, their death can be even more complex. You feel various emotions, some of which make you feel dreadful about yourself and who you are as a human being. Trust me; I get it.
Life doesn’t always provide us with answers to all our questions. But that’s okay – you can accept the mystery. Therefore, you can forgive your parents, even if you don’t understand why they acted in the way that they did at times.
The beautiful thing about grief recovery is it allows you to address those moments in time you can’t seem to let go of and forgive. Those times that pull you back in time, and you feel the pain and hurt all over again like it was yesterday. These moments are impacting you daily, whether you realize it or not. How you are coping (or not) impacts your life, whether you care to admit it or not.
Forgiveness isn’t for them; it’s for you. It’s not about condoning or forgetting; it’s about no longer swallowing the resentment, which is a poison you’re holding onto in your body.
Forgiveness is about emotional freedom from the pain that you will no longer let those things hurt you anymore.
Allow Comfort
Lastly, you’re allowed to let other people comfort you and take over some of the responsibilities of your life for a time. Completely isolating yourself doesn’t do much to help, and it would likely make matters worse.
This is so hard for so many people who were raised as people-pleasers. You know who you are, the ones who take care of everything without a word needing to be said. You’re the one who gives until they’re blue in the face and, deep down, resentful for it. You want to be cared for but simply were never taught how to be because, again, you maybe had to grow up fast as a child. There wasn’t any coddling or nurturing in your life, so you found your resilience, self-sufficiency, and resourcefulness instead. You likely had a lot of responsibility as a child, too.
You don’t know how to be cared for and, I get you. I do. So, rather than feeling the pressure of delegating, start with YOU. What does your heart need today? A walk in nature? A soak in the tub? Or a good belly laugh? Nurture your heart with the simple pleasures of life and feel gratitude in those moments. Then, as you go, assess what you can let go of, delegate, and ask for help.
If you have children and are a stay-at-home/work-at-home parent, you may want to put them into childcare for a while or see if you can do a child swap with a friend – it’s a win-win! Or you could temporarily hire household help to assist with the chores. Find some way to build in support.
We often don’t know what we need until someone throws it in our lap. So, if you’re reading this and know of someone on the grief struggle bus right now, steal some of these ideas or read this post on learning how to support a grieving friend or listen to the podcast where my guests share tips just like this!
Childhood Grief, Educational, Emotions, Grief, Pespective |
The Power of Anger
Anger is a powerful emotion. It has a direct effect on our bodies physiologically and biologically. Early on, as children, we learn the physical cues of anger. For example, when you see someone make a fist before they hit someone or something, the facial expression when the brow narrows, and there is visual tension in the face, particularly the jaw area. The person’s face may even turn red, and their voice will get louder, depending on how angry they are. Their breathing pattern may shorten and become more shallow, too. They may even pace the room.
If you’ve been taught that anger is a “bad” emotion and it’s not one to be expressed, you may have become a pro at containing it. So, the physical cues will be different for those who are practicing constraint of anger. For someone working hard to contain their anger, their breathing pattern will change; it may become louder and perhaps slower as a conscious effort to remain calm. You may look for a way to expend that energy physically (such as exercise, cleaning, pacing, etc.). However, internally, I feel much of the same is going on – blood pressure is rising, adrenaline is pumping, and eventually, something has to give. Some people may vacillate between the two descriptions, too. I know, for me, I would start by trying my darndest to contain my anger but, eventually, would find myself yelling (even screaming), slamming doors, getting physical, and sometimes, too, I would often end up crying.
There is a sense of shame often felt after becoming angry. Again, this ties back to the beliefs we’re taught about anger. We must raise the future generations that there are healthy ways to utilize and channel anger. It serves a valuable purpose.
Anger is our cue that something feels unfair or unjust. We also may not feel as though we are living in integrity with our own values and expectations. Expectations are huge, anyway, when it comes to our relationships. There’s a quote I heard in my grief recovery training: “Expectations are planned disappointments.” Or, said in another way:
Expectations destroy our peace of mind. They are future disappointments planned out in advance.
– Elizabeth George
My husband says this phrase that, for a long time, drove me nuts. And, it drove me nuts because I was a person who would analyze everything. The phrase? “No one can make you angry; you make yourself angry.” Annoying, right? I have had to remind him of his own words. LOL! But, his sage words began to make more sense the more I worked through my unaddressed anger through grief recovery. As long as I was blaming another for my anger, I learned how disempowering that is and how I felt like a victim. However, once I learned that my feelings around that individual were showing up as anger because of undelivered communications, well then, that was something I could do something about. And that’s empowering stuff.
Anger Norms in Society
Although many of us are taught that anger isn’t an emotion that’s acceptable to express, society seems to often view those who rule with an iron fist as tempered, angry people. These “rulers” have the capability to control their anger with reason. It’s a persona, I believe, that is lived into. We aren’t born angry; quite the contrary. We’re born with the innate desire to love and be loved. It’s somehow anger that gets in the way of that ability; it clouds our judgment and causes us to say things we later regret and go against our desire, not intended to cause harm. And yes, the opposite is true; some have an intent to cause harm. Those who are filled with so much rage that it’s them versus the world, in their mind. These are people that can’t be reasoned with because reason itself has no place in their mind. I would ask, instead: “What happened to you that makes you angry?”
Here’s a quote shared by blogger Dan Spira that I find interesting in talking about anger:
“..we sometimes praise those who are harsh-tempered as manly, and fitted to command. It is therefore not easy to pronounce on principle what degree and manner of error is blameworthy, since this is a matter of the particular circumstances, and judgement rests with the faculty of perception. But thus much at all events is clear, that the middle disposition is praiseworthy, which leads us to be angry with the right people for the right things in the right manner and so on… ”
– Aristotle, The Nicomachean Ethics, Book IV Chapter 5,
English Translation by H. Rackham (1926)
Furthermore, here’s an excerpt from Dan’s blog post (which I found by Googling: “What’s the opposite of anger?”):
Tame it [anger] too much, and it gets snuffed out completely into apathy or “spiritlessness.” Most popular psychology and therapy are built around this Aristotelian concept of balanced, virtuous Anger (he called it “good temper“) and the idea of having a healthy, under-control release valve of emotional tension.
In other words, get angry; it’s a valid emotion; however, don’t allow yourself to get too carried away or “aroused” by it.
In the work that I do, I know it is often the “aroused” anger that prompts people to take action in their lives, too, finally. It’s this idea of being “sick and tired of being sick and tired” of one’s own crap.
Anger, Evil-doers, and the Energy of Anger
Our reaction to our own anger, and that of others, can be traced back to the beliefs about anger that we were raised to believe. I have this belief that those who do evil things must be angry people. And I have struggled for a long time with the notion that people are born evil. It’s probably why I’m fascinated by real-life murder stories/shows/podcasts. I have been trying to understand the part of society that harms others. What is it about the upbringing that made them (i.e., evil people) do horrible (sometimes unspeakable) things? Who were they before they did such evil things? What are the signs of such evil-doers? I suppose, too, and it really only occurred to me as I’m writing this now, having been a victim of someone who had the intent to harm; perhaps it’s my quest to better understand why, what happened to me, happened in the first place. I happen to know a lot about the history, and truthfully, it helps me look at the perpetrator with compassion. Granted, I say this after having done a lot of inner-work, too. Was I angry for a long time for what happened to me? Absolutely, I was. Given that those events also happened on the heels of my dad’s illness and subsequent death, and simultaneously when a lot of change was already happening in my life, I had a lot to be angry about.
I recognize anger (particularly hidden anger) in children quite easily, I believe, due to my experiences. And generally, my antenna of intuition, when I meet people, has become acutely attuned to the energy of others. This sensitivity to the energy of others used to be very taxing and draining until I learned to protect my own energy rather than taking everyone’s energy in as my own. However, it’s become a blessing. It’s as if I am a TSA agent armed with one of those metal detector wands. Rather than scanning for metal, I’m scanning the person’s energy where I can sense what they’re feeling without them saying a word. I get a vibe if the person feels like a “safe” person or something off about them. This is especially common, I believe, for those who grew up in chaotic, harmful, or dangerous environments. It’s a constant fight-or-flight of having to figure out who is safe and who isn’t, assessing the surroundings, and looking for danger.
What I am getting at, by sharing about the energetics of anger, is that it’s often palpable energy I pick up on. People’s choice of words, tone of voice, body language are all reflected by the state of one’s emotions. In a nutshell: all frequencies are equal to the issue at hand. This is true of every aspect of our body, whether emotional, physical, spiritual, or psychological. The energy (i.e., vibrational frequency) we give off in the world around us is also returned to us. It’s why it is so critical for those grieving to pay attention to their personal energy and that of others around them. An angry (in the moment) griever will bring a different frequency of energy versus a griever who is sad (in the moment). And, in grief, we can feel these and more in a span of moments. So, it’s really about elevating our personal energy – which is the sole responsibility, anyway. It’s not your responsibility to raise the vibrational frequency of the grievers around you no more than it’s their responsibility to raise yours.
I feel like I’ve taken the topic of anger down a deep rabbit hole. However, I think it’s important we look at the broader impact (and usefulness) of anger. We can be highly motivated to make something happen when we’re angry. And, if you think about it, when you’ve been angry, you’ve likely felt more compelled to move someone else to action rather than taking action yourself. Am I right? So, the better question here is: do you want to be a victim, or do you want to empower yourself?
Anger & Grief
I also think it’s important to mention that not all grievers will experience anger. Yes, it is often a factor in our difficult relationships with less than loved ones. Yet, to presume that someone is angry because of a loss is incorrect. For example, if you had a lovely relationship with someone who died, they lived a long, full life but became ill and died. You may feel relief that it wasn’t a long, drawn-out illness where your loved one suffered. Furthermore, if you had recently seen your loved one and shared all that you wanted to share, expressed your love and appreciation for them, and said goodbye, anger would likely not play a role in that scenario. However, had the relationship or scenario been different, if they were less than loving, or you couldn’t see them before they passed away, you may experience anger in this situation. In summary, do not believe that anger is an automatic part of unresolved grief.
In today’s blog post, you’ve learned:
the physical ques of anger
what anger is revealing to us
my personal perspective of anger and evil-doers
the role anger plays in our lives
about the energy of anger
why to never assume a griever is angry over a loss
I hope this has offered a perspective on anger you hadn’t considered and that you found it educational. Anger is a broad topic, with many more rabbit hole opportunities to dig into more deeply.
In summary, anger is a valid emotion and is a clue that something isn’t sitting well with our spirit. Rather than let the anger set you on a disempowering and dangerous path, perhaps a better approach is to sit with the anger. Look at it for what it’s revealing to you and ask yourself what you need to do at that moment; that would help release it in a helpful way. This makes me think of scenarios on playgrounds that play out time and time again. There’s the bully and the bullied. And, often (more often than not), it’s both – the bully is often bullied. And, even if the child isn’t bullied in school, what is happening at home? Where the child feels powerless, unheard, or maybe even worse – disregarded or unseen? I must say, if that were you as an adult, you’d be angry, too, wouldn’t you? And, my friend, it bears repeating: adulthood is childhood reenactments. I’m not saying every child who is bullied as a child becomes a bullying adult. But, I would argue that 9 out of 10 times, that adult has unaddressed childhood anger showing up in their life in other ways. Because, at its root, anger is sadness that will always find a way to express itself; somehow, in some way, at some point in time – even if it’s 20 years from now. That’s the sneakiness of anger – and grief.
Sending you love + light. 💛
Childhood Grief, Grief, Grief Stories, Grieving Voices Podcast, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness, Pespective, Resources, Spirituality |
How Do You Know When You’re Healing?
Once upon a time, 2016’ish, to be more precise, I thought I was doing pretty well emotionally. I had officially closed my boutique photography studio, started a blog, and was writing regularly about what I had learned and experienced throughout the previous two years. I had also hired a life coach, was reading a lot of self-help books and landed a job that matches my desire for flexibility and variety. Things were on the up and up and, I was optimistic about my future. However, for two years straight, I felt like a trainwreck.
During those two years, as my health declined, and I felt like I was never going to do anything meaningful with my life (being a mom wasn’t enough for me), it was a discovery process of what I needed to address emotionally, what wasn’t working in my life, and what I needed to change. This was also on the heels of unaddressed post-partum depression. And ultimately, what started to happen was decades of unresolved grief started to manifest in my business and life during that time, too.
Fast-forward to 2017, after three years of personal development work, an opportunity fell into my lap and the book that I longed to write was starting to come to fruition. My dream of one day writing a book was actually becoming a reality! Nearly every weekday morning, for two months straight, I got up at 5:30 AM to write. Then, while in the editing phase of the book, I would be hit with a loss that would bring up the deepest, unaddressed wound I had – the loss of my dad. My dad’s only living brother, and the one whom my dad was closest to, had brain cancer. And, the moment I heard the news that he was in the hospital, I decided right then I needed to see him, despite the thirty years that had passed since my dad’s funeral, which was the last time I ever saw him. So, the same day of receiving the news, I went to see him; not knowing if he’d want to see me, recognize me, or even if he was well enough to have a conversation. With a knock on that hospital door, the trajectory of my life would change, solely on that one decision, to knock on his hospital door. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and yet, I felt with every intuitive bone in me, that was exactly where I was meant to be.
The visit was incredibly healing, and the timing divine, because within fifteen minutes of my arrival, his daughter and niece arrived, neither of whom I’d seen since a kid. We were all shocked to see each other there and it was a moment I will never forget. And, the months that followed, were the greatest gift to my heart, as I would be gifted with several more visits with my uncle, and with his passing, I had felt we both received a gift we hadn’t expected, and one that would have never been possible had I not chosen to put my ego aside, risk my own heart, and knock on that door.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, grief makes us feel like we don’t have choices. Let this story illustrate to you that we always, always have a choice. And, doing nothing is a choice, too. That one act led to me realizing that I wasn’t okay. The inner-work that I had been doing up to that point, albeit not wasted, hadn’t actually addressed the root of all of my issues – the grief! It was that experience with my uncle that prompted a Google search that landed me on The Grief Recovery Institute website, which led to me registering for certification that was later canceled (I couldn’t believe it), that led to me booking a flight to Austin, TX to do my training there scheduled for the same time. I knew what I needed and I wasn’t about to let anything stop me at that point. Again, I had another choice to make. Do I take that cancelation as the end-all, be-all option? Or, do I find the resources to make, what I knew I intuitively was guided to, happen no matter the extra cost? I obviously chose the latter. Again, I had a decision to make; I could choose to live in my grief another year, which is what it would’ve been before another training within driving distance would’ve taken place, or answer the call of my heart. Thankfully, I chose wisely and, my heart has not been the same since.
It was not until after grief recovery where I knew I was healing. Surprise! But, it’s absolutely the truth. Because, for the first time in my life, I was able to have conversations I had never been able to have with the people closest to me, and not find myself a wreck for days that followed. The more I utilized the tools and knowledge of grief recovery, the less I looked to others to give me what I needed to be giving myself (love, affirmation, validation, etc.). My confidence started to grow and my self-awareness was through the roof. It was as if the veil of grief (which I’ve spoken about on my podcast) had been lifted and, I was seeing my life (past and present) with new eyes. I had the most life-changing experience when I went through the grief recovery method. And, it’s in knowing how hard it is to do the work, how emotionally and physically taxing it feels in the process, that I can guide others through the same process. It is anything but easy. And, it brings up stuff that you thought was long buried. However, in grief, you’re already suffering. You may as well be suffering and moving your feet. You may as well be moving one foot in front of the other, knowing that week by week of going through the process, you’re shedding another layer, and lifting that veil of grief higher and higher, until you, too, see clearly. Grief recovery is a clarifier of your life, a purifier of your heart, and allows you to be an emotional processing plant rather than the emotional storage tank you have been.
10 Ways You Know You’re Healing Emotionally
You find yourself changing your behaviors. Where you used to get angry about something someone said/did, you can step back from the situation and consider why that reaction provoked you. You may also be choosing healthier options in food, drink, or even friends.
You’ve discovered what your boundaries are and have implemented them in your relationships and life.
You’re no longer a pile of tears in the fetal position after you start talking about a story of loss or something that happened to you.
You no longer feel the need to share the story with anyone who will listen. By this, I mean that you’re not sharing with the intention of needing or getting something in return: sympathy, validation, affirmation, etc. You find yourself sharing because 1. you were asked 2. because you have found your way beyond the pain and want to share to inspire and connect. You understand grief because you’ve been there. You understand life beyond it, too, though, because it no longer dictates your life either.
When other people share their emotional stories, it doesn’t bring up your emotional pain thereby, causing an emotional reaction in you.
You see opportunities where there was once fear.
You feel hopeful about your future.
You find yourself pausing, bringing awareness to your feelings, before responding to situations or people with your emotions. The phrase I tell myself, “I don’t know what I don’t know” is my go-to to help me with this one.
When wounds from the past, that you long thought you buried, come up out of the blue, rather than resort to the same behaviors you used to, to feel better at that moment, you sit with all of the feelings, and seek support or help to work through it.
You ask for help. We do not heal on an island. We heal in community with others; with support, guidance, and a heart with ears.
I hope today’s blog post provided some good insight into healing; that it’s a journey of self-discovery and every choice you make can either make or break your path to healing your heart.
We go to the doctor when we have a broken bone. We go to the dentist when we have a broken tooth. And yet, when we have a broken heart, we somehow think we can intellectually and logically heal hearts.
You can’t heal the heart with the head. You must tap into your heart. It is necessary to dig up the past if you want to heal it. Those that feel differently about that are likely not ready (or willing) to face what has long been emotionally unresolved within themselves.
My word of caution to all those hurting today reading this: be careful who you take your advice from; it could potentially be more harmful and hurtful to your healing. Many people value freedom. However, where most people miss the mark is understanding that the most difficult prison to break free from is the prison of one’s own mind. Being attentive to your heart will bring you the kind of freedom that can’t be bought. The caveat? You have to choose to do the difficult inner-work to get there. And, doing that is also choosing a more fulfilling, emotionally stable, and joy-filled life.
P.S. TODAY, 6/11, is the ONE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY of my podcast GRIEVING VOICES!!! 📣🥳Thank you so much for listening, sharing, reviewing, rating, being a guest if you have been one (or are upcoming), and overall support! I am a one-woman show when it comes to the podcast, and I’ve definitely learned a TON along the way. And to think, I was hesitant and unsure right away because I wasn’t sure anyone would want to share their stories. And now, people wanting to be guests pop up left and right. And, if you are wanting to be a guest, and share your story, please head HERE and fill out this form. I don’t care if you’re an expert in a field or not; the premise of the show is to share your grieving voice and story. Everything beyond that is secondary.
Educational, Grief, Grief Tips, Grieving Voices Podcast, Mind/Body Wellness, Resources |
In my work with clients in grief recovery over the past few weeks, my clients and I have talked a lot about the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations. And, anything they wish would’ve been (or would be) different, better, or more.
So many people believe that grief is only an experience after someone dies. When in reality, no one has to die for you to grieve. Recently, during a consultation, the client shared that after listening to my podcast episode about the myths of grief, they realized that their life experience was, at the root of it all, grief. And, they had plenty of grief-causing experiences, too. And, another area of grief that’s come up with my clients lately has been how, in their relationships (and we all do this), both they and their significant others are bringing their luggage of what they wish had been different, better, or more in their lives, well before the relationship even started.
What happens when you have two people get together that both have unresolved grief? You get a simmering pot of unexpressed anger, sadness, resentment, fear, insecurities, you name it, that all come together. Circling back to the luggage analogy, and as I shared with my client, it’s as if you both dump your bags of luggage onto a bed, and your stuff mixes with their stuff and then something happens that shakes up the relationship, so you go to grab your stuff again, however, by that point, it’s hard to know what’s yours and what’s theirs anymore.
If every person who’s had a past that’s created emotional dis-ease and emotional restlessness and discontent were to address the grief itself (and calling it for what it is – grief) at the root, before getting into an intimate relationship with another, then we’d have happier and more emotionally stable homes, communities, and world. And more importantly, the children of our world wouldn’t become the byproducts of adult emotional pain.
I challenge you to look at who you are today and consider how the wounds of your past have shaped the decisions and behaviors you’ve resorted to, in an attempt to feel better, and how those decisions and behaviors have impacted others throughout your life. When we’re overcome with a long-standing undercurrent of grief, we easily become stuck in that “woe is me” mindset. As that quote goes, we can’t see the label from inside the jar. In other words, take your blinders off and look at what you’re trying so hard not to see.
What do you wish would have been (or would be) different, better, or more in your life?
A big hug from me to you, my friend. 💛
P.S. On 6/23 at 8 PM CST, I will be offering up a FREE, live event! It will not be recorded, so you must attend live! If you want to make sure you don’t miss the announcement or the opportunity to register, my email list will be getting the info FIRST (and spots are limited) next week Wednesday (6/9) when my newsletter goes out. Want a heads-up sneak peek? Sign up HERE. 😊
