Childhood Grief, Death/Dying, Grief, Grief Stories, Grief Tips |
You Are Never the Only One
When the world moves on and you feel forgotten – you are never the only one.
The meals dropped off, the condolences sent – you are never the only one.
Time ticks by, the food has gone rotten – you are never the only one.
No more check-ins, no more how do you do’s, and even the dog is lonesome for you – you are never the only one.
When showering takes work, and self-care feels like a luxury – you are never the only one.
How did it get this way? Who was I before all this? I don’t even know anymore.
Why do you look at me that way? Why do you say the things you do? What are you trying to prove?
Some people just can’t leave well enough alone and yet, I wish they’d know what to do.
This heart of mine is shattered. The tears all but washed me away. But I hang on another day because there’s still a glimmer of hope within me that’s not yet dead today.
So many times I sat there, the same kitchen table, the same cigarettes. The same drink in the bottle and the same voice in my head.
But here you are, sitting with me. I had forgotten about you – it’s been so long.
“Why did you abandon me? Why did you leave me alone?”
“I never did,” – a reply.
“Then why do I feel so alone?”
“I watched you grow up, carrying your wounds and your swords. Keeping everyone at arm’s length and too ashamed to go home. Keeping your armor on tight and your heart bound and closed.”
All of those years you watched me and you never said a word. I was screaming inside and you did nothing when everything felt a blur.
What do you mean? I’ve always been with you. I’ve just been waiting to be heard.
– A random grief-riff by me on this day. Even when you feel alone, you’re never the only one. Your inner-child is waiting to be heard and there’s always a friend who’s grieving, too. –
Grief, Grief Tips, Growth, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness, Spirituality |
Do you know how kids tend to have no filters? Well, maybe it’s about time we adults remove the filters we have around our grief.
Notice how I didn’t say feelings? Yes, all emotions are valid and have value; however, the one I am most concerned about is the feeling of grief. I mean, I am the grief lady, after all! Lol!
In all seriousness, though, this phrase has almost felt like a mantra for me this week. Such as, when I felt myself cower and shrivel a little when I felt my values and integrity were being challenged. Respectfully, I stated my case, stuck to my values, and slept well that night.
Or, in conversation with my accountability group that consists of a beautiful, supportive group of women from all walks of life. This theme popped up for me again as women shared how particular challenges were arising and causing them feelings of grief. Although grief was not the word used, grief is what we feel of relationships that we wish would be/had been different, better, or more.
Also, the courage the women in my current 8-week grief recovery, showed when they shared the truth of their sorrow and pain.
Speak your truth, to me, is not some modern, new personal-development phrase to throw around. When I say it to someone else or when you say it to someone and ask the other person to share their truth with you, you must mean it. Because what is shared back is their truth. And, if you’re not a heart with ears, prepared to hear it, and know what to do with what’s said, then please don’t ask them to share it. And, when someone does speak their truth, thank them for sharing – that’s all you need to do. Don’t analyze, criticize, judge, and by all means, do not compare your story to theirs. Honor their truth with a thank you for sharing and ask if they accept hugs. Hugs are good for the soul; they release the good chemicals in the brain, as do tears. Allow those healing droplets to flow.
Care to speak your truth and need a heart with ears? Speak your truth in recorded audio and email it to me at victoria [at] theunleashedheart [dot] com. This idea isn’t a challenge or anything, and neither the audio nor the email address attached to it will be used in any other way. Sometimes, we need to give our truth a voice and need someone to hear it – and nothing else. If this applies to you, I’m all ears.
P.S. I shared in this social post that I would share what’s next for me this next year in this week’s blog post. Between the time of that social share and sitting down to write this week’s blog post, I felt this topic was what I needed to write, rather than a reflection-of-the-year post that I thought I would write. At any rate, know that I will share a blog post probably next month, I think, where I will do a recap of the year and what I see for 2020. We will soon enter an entirely new decade – are you ready for it? I personally can’t wait! xx
Grief, Grief Tips, Growth, Living Unleashed, Personal, Resources |
In the personal development arena, you’ll often hear the words or phrase self-sabotage. But what is self-sabotage? It’s no different than self-betrayal. And that phrase feels a bit icky. It also feels more truthful, too.
Self-Sabotage vs. Self-Betrayal
When you choose to self-sabotage (i.e., get in your own way, choose thinking/behavior patterns that don’t serve you, etc.), you’re also betraying yourself. When you decide to sit in pain, anger, and sadness beyond the time those feelings have served you, that’s a betrayal of your heart. Essentially, you’re also keeping yourself in mental/emotional prison, too.
Human behavior has always fascinated me. I enjoy people-watching and hearing people’s stories about what makes them who they are, and I have made it my mission to figure out who I am and why I do the things I do. But if I had asked myself long ago this one question: In What Ways Am I Betraying Myself? Perhaps I would’ve realized what needed to change far sooner.
Our thoughts generate feelings, which prompt us to act – or not to. Considering thoughts can be changed, it would be safe to assume that our emotions and actions would follow suit, too. So, if you realize all the ways you are betraying yourself (your thoughts), and feel a desire for things to be different, better, or more (i.e., grief), then you have a litmus test for your actions. If the thing you think you want to do doesn’t align with your desire for your experience to be different, better, or more, then you know it’s not what you need to do.
Ways I Used to Betrayed Myself
Here are some examples of ways I have betrayed myself. If any of these resonate with you, then you have a starting point of where to look to heal.
- Looking for validation/affirmation from others.
- Quieting my voice when the situation didn’t feel right in my gut.
- Getting wrapped up in other’s emotional turbulence (taking their “stuff” on as my “stuff”).
- Keeping toxic relationships in my life far too long.
- Not addressing my mental/emotional health earlier in life.
- Not understanding/creating boundaries.
- Living in the past (or the future) – neglecting many present moments.
What I Do Now
Now that I’ve shared how I’ve betrayed myself, I think it’s important to share how I’ve turned these betrayals against myself around.
- Trusting my inner-knowing. No one will ever know me as much as I know myself, and no amount of outside validation/affirmation will mean more than the validation/affirmation I can give myself.
- Speaking up for myself—saying what is or isn’t okay—is a big way we can honor our hearts and spirits.
- I am mindful of when I feel myself taking on others’ negative energy and then addressing it. But first, if I know the situation could bring this feeling on, I am more mindful going into the situation in the first place. I imagine myself in a golden, protected bubble of light where that negativity doesn’t affect me. Similarly, I have become more mindful of the energy I bring to situations. Because we get back what we put out, right?
- As you grow, evolve, and change, those toxic relationships around you naturally fall away. We don’t need to push any sort of agenda on others. The only thing we have 100% control over is ourselves.
- Addressing my grief head-on has been the biggest game-changer of my life. Had I only known in my twenties what I know now, I could only move forward and pay it forward, too. Addressing my inner pain allows me to help others address theirs. Addressing your inner world has ten-fold ripple effects on your outer world.
- Boundaries? What the heck are those? I never knew what it meant to have boundaries, why they were necessary, how to create them, or how to respect others’ boundaries until I got to the other side of grief recovery. And, this book is a game-changer, friends. If you follow me on FB or IG, you’ll know I’ve shared this before, but WOW! I love this book! It has biblical references but is not preachy or in-your-face about God. I almost didn’t read this because of the reviews; I didn’t want another biblical-fluff book. This book is not. It is practical and will teach you all you need about boundaries.
- When we go through life wallowing in our sorrows, our minds are stuck in the past while our hearts fight to find hope for the future. And when we’ve stuffed our past for so long, we do everything we possibly can to avoid it and find ourselves always looking to the future, chasing the next thing. All the while, we’re never fully living in the present. Who do you are betraying? Well, not only yourself but also your family.
Do you see how self-sabotage is a “fluffier” word than self-betrayal? When you start to awaken to all of the parts of you that make you you, it becomes natural to begin to call things what they are. And it also makes healing possible. Awareness is a beautiful thing.
Journal prompt for you: How am I betraying myself?
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Grief, Living Unleashed, Mind/Body Wellness, Resources |
What comes to mind when I ask the questions: What does it mean to you to live an unleashed life? What does an unleashed life look like to you?
Perhaps no one has ever asked you that question or, maybe it was worded differently? Either way, it may be helpful to think about what it is in life that seems to be tying you down, holding you back, or keeping you stuck.
For me, I discovered it was grief. Grief had a hold on me up until this year, if I’m honest. Living unleashed has been a process of…unlearning. An unlearning of all the ways I would revert to old thought patterns and behaviors, as well as the misinformation and myths of grief passed on through generations.
It didn’t matter what decision I had to make early in my adulthood; I always reverted to the thought patterns and teachings of my childhood. I was leashed to my past in so many ways. I had yet to heal the loss and trauma I had experienced and lacked self-worth, confidence, and I also didn’t trust myself.
Living unleashed, or living an unleashed life, to me, means living a life that fully embodies the qualities of my soul and spirit. When our spirit feels crushed, and our hearts are broken, how can we ever see our light? How can we make decisions based on our soul’s desires instead of fear, if what we’ve been educated about grief is to keep busy, stay strong, that it just takes time, or that we need to bury and replace it?
I feel unleashed of grief for the first time and have grown more confident in my decision-making. Fear and self-doubt don’t over-rule my intuition. And, although my life hasn’t dramatically changed to others on the outside, I know my inner-world has. And, I’ve made moves and decisions that feel aligned with where I only dreamed of being five years ago.
There was a time, I longed for the day to have the inner-knowing I feel today. I felt so lost. So many significant changes were happening at the same time, and I didn’t have the tools to cope. And I also didn’t realize at that time that what I was experiencing was grief.
Significant changes in our lives often bring us grief – we don’t think of our daily experience as the by-product of grief. When self-care is thrown out the window, when you find yourself feeling as though life is passing you by, and you’re not able to live in the present – that’s very likely grief taking hold of your heart. You do your best to avoid, distract, or keep busy – all the while, the only thing you’re distracting yourself from is your heart.
I created Living Unleashed from the place of trying to find my way out of my grief hole. I have come so far, and I know that if it’s possible for me after 30+ years, it’s possible for you – no matter the loss or trauma you’ve experienced. I’ve relied on many means to heal along the way, and Living Unleashed is my way of sharing what I discovered about my grief along the way. The Grief Recovery Method experience I had, picked up where I left off and forced me to get real with my feelings, digging deeper than I had when I was developing Living Unleashed. Reiki has been another tool to deepen my Grief Recovery experience that I feel so grateful to share with others.
What works for me may not work for you – and that’s okay. But, I do confidently say, if you do the work outlined in the Grief Recovery Method, you will find relief, and you will find hope again. And, if you’re not quite ready to unleash your heart in the most in-depth way possible, there’s always Living Unleashed, that can get you started on your healing journey today.
Grief, Spirituality |
Since becoming certified in grief recovery seven months ago, I’ve had several conversations revolving around the topic of faith/religion as it relates to the grief recovery program I facilitate.
We Resist What We Don’t Understand
To my surprise, I’ve been met with resistance by various church organizations that were either disinterested in what I had to share or outright declined in allowing this program into their parish. I do understand the feeling or need for clergy to “protect” their parishioners from a non-faith-based program. Grief recovery is not based on religion, though, so anyone can participate without feeling judged, criticized, or analyzed. And, speaking for myself, at one point in time, I rejected God because I blamed Him. So, in this regard, it’s a beautiful thing that it’s not faith-based.
How does someone who’s struggling with their relationship to the Lord go deep within themselves and challenge those thoughts if, at the same time, religion is a part of the curriculum? In short, they can’t – and they won’t; therefore, healing is compromised.
Can Faith Alone Heal the Past?
There are times when people with great faith share their stories of grief with me. They will share that it is their faith that keeps them going. I applaud that, and I am happy for them! And, for those that had a firm foundation of faith, this truly is a beautiful thing. And still, as they share their hurting heart with me, their eyes well up with tears as they speak to the pain that still exists. Their lives may not be as fulfilling as they wish it would be, and they continue to struggle in ways that go unseen to those around them.
What I see is a hurting heart that clings to an emotionally incomplete past. Sometimes, all the prayer in the world can’t help to ease the pain of the fond memories that, instead, turn to sadness. That is what it means to be incomplete. The message I know that needs to be shared is that there is hope.
There is a path laid out for you that will guide you in navigating what is incomplete. There are action steps outlined for you that will move you through your pain. It’s not about forgetting; it’s about feeling empowered and having the ability to share a new story moving forward. It’s not about forgiving to condone, rather, forgiving to let go.
The Student and the Teacher
There’s a saying that when the student is ready, the teacher appears. I do believe He can be the path of redemption in a lot of ways. In the storm of grief, however, we can quickly lose our way. When we are ready, and our hearts are open, there can be grace, encouragement, and healing found in Him. All that said, the world around us can be cruel and in our upbringing, which may have been dysfunctional, we’re not taught how to deal with our grief and sadness in healthy ways. So, when the wounds run so deep that faith alone can’t erase, we must sweep our side of the street; doing what needs to be done so, He can fully enter our hearts.
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. – Psalm 147:3
Sometimes, suffering itself is the teacher. We know we need something but aren’t sure where else to turn or what more we can do. God knows how to use everything to bring us closer to Him – even painful things. I very much relate to this. Even still, there is always room for improvement in our spiritual life, and for me, working on healing my past is the only way I can fully live in the present, and strengthen my spiritual life.
Grief recovery is not faith-based, but it is (from my experience) a faith-inducing, spiritual experience. One that I believe God would never frown upon if it meant another soul found their way home – to themselves and to Him.
Child Loss, Grief, Miscarriage, Postpartum, Pregnancy & Infant Loss, Resources |
October brings to mind pumpkin spice latte, fall colors, and National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Also, October is also not just about breast cancer awareness, but it is also National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, which was established in 1988 by former President Ronald Reagan.
At the time, Reagan said: “When a child loses their parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose a child, there isn’t a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss, so many parents experience across the United States and around the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, congenital disabilities, SIDS, and other causes.” Also, October 15th is World Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.
The number of people who face this loss is staggering! The American College of Pediatricians noted the statistics from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services earlier this year:
- 1,000,000 pregnancies end with the loss of a baby through miscarriage or stillbirth each year (nearly 1 in 4).
- 24,000 infants die each year in infancy.
Each of these deaths creates multiple grievers. It is not just the parents who are impacted; the grandparents, siblings of that child, other family members grieve the loss as well and close family friends.
The American College of Pediatricians points out that this silent suffering can continue for years or even decades. Anyone who does grief recovery work would also agree with that statement. All too often, grievers receive little or no support to help them deal with this emotional pain. Considering miscarriage is one of the most minimized losses, it’s understandable there would be a whole lot of silent grievers out there.
The Emotionally Painful Things People Say
Friends and other family members may think that they are supportive, but all too often, the things that they say come off as intellectual comments rather than emotionally sensitive ones.
Typical, unhelpful comments include:
- You can always have another child
- At least it happened early
- God needed another angel in Heaven
- Next time will be better
- At least you have other children
- I know how you feel
- Grief just takes time
Ask any parent who has lost a child if any of these comments made them feel better. Most, if not all, will answer with a resounding “NO!” No child is “replaceable,” so the idea that they might have another child does little or nothing to relieve the pain of losing this one!
People never intentionally mean to say hurtful things to grievers! Very few of us have been educated as to “the right thing to say” in this situation or any other grief causing event. Furthermore, others that are worried about saying “the wrong thing” often say nothing at all. The absence of acknowledgment can leave these grievers feeling that their deep emotional loss isn’t important or painful.
Time Heals Nothing
People often say that “Grief just takes time.” It would be wonderful if this were the case or that there was a time table to grief. Unfortunately, this is not true; time does nothing but pass. Over time, a griever becomes accustomed to carrying around that emotional pain deep inside. Grievers “silently suffer,” because no one is there to offer an effective way to deal with it! It’s action taken within time that matters most! While there may be a number of “support groups” in your community or online, many of them support you in expressing your pain. However, few offer few, if any, assistance in helping you to take effective action to move out from under the cloud it has cast over your life. If you are, however, looking to connect with those who’ve “gone before you;” navigating a similar and devastating loss such as miscarriage or an infant, click here to find support, if you’re not finding it in your community.
How You Can Take Action to Move Forward
In addition to the link provided above, if you are suffering the pain of having lost a child, check to see if there is a Grief Recovery Method Support Group in your area. Unlike most other support groups, this program offers a truly effective action plan for emotional recovery. It is not about forgetting your loss, which you will never do, but instead teaching you the necessary tools to deal with the pain in your heart!
John W. James, a Vietnam veteran and creator of this program, lost his first son within days of his birth and struggled with his grief after that loss. Rather than just giving in to that pain and carrying it with him for the rest of his life, he searched until he found a recovery solution that worked. He discovered a way to say “goodbye” to the dreams and expectations he had for the life of his child, without letting go of the joy these dreams had brought to his heart.
The Best Thing You Can Say
In any grief situation, perhaps the best thing to say is: “I cannot begin to imagine how you are feeling. I’m here to listen if you would like to talk about it.” If you experienced a similar situation, you might add how you remember what it felt like to you, but that you wish to understand just what it is that they are feeling. After that, listen without analysis, criticism, or judgment. Realize that there is nothing that you can say that will “fix” the situation and make it better!
Reach out to anyone you know who has suffered such a loss and let them know that you are thinking about them and care! That’s the simplest way you can be supportive!
On a personal note, I’ve never experienced a loss such as these and I cannot even wrap my head around what these losses feel like. We are never supposed to out-live our children, regardless of how long they’re heart was beating. A beating heart is a human being with a soul and it hurts when the opportunity to watch their soul be fully expressed is lost. Not to mention, all of the hopes, dreams, and expectations, too. My heart goes out to you if you’re reading this and you’ve experienced a loss such as these. Never lose hope of recovery – it is possible. John James is living proof; he has created a gift that keeps on giving – for himself and for the world.
*This post is adapted from The Grief Recovery Institute blog.
P.S. Are you interested in learning more about the grief recovery programs I facilitate? Email me at victoria [at] theunleashedheart [dot] com. Do you want to be the first to know of the next group starting? Sign up for my newsletter that’s filled with content not shared anywhere else. News, Grief Recovery related info, and insider [personal] info is shared with my fellow hurting heart tribe first! Newsletters go out each Wednesday, so click here to join me >>> Or, perhaps you prefer one-on-one? We could start one-on-one as soon as you’re ready if you’re local to me! Get in touch for more info.
