Grieving Voices Guest, Grieving Voices Podcast, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness, Podcast, Widowhood |
Laurie-Ann Murabito | An Eternal Optimist
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Being an eternal optimist means always looking on the bright side and having hope, no matter what obstacles might attempt to push you off your path.
Some people may not necessarily be eternal optimists. However, they’ve become incredibly good at reframing a challenging situation for the better.
I would say I am more of a “reframing” type. However, this week’s guest, Laurie-Ann, can remember being an eternal optimist since she was a little girl. And as I dug more deeply during our conversation, it was discovered that being the strong one for those around her was a behavior emulated by her mother as she grew up.
Laurie-Ann shares about the loss of her mother very recently to cancer and the death of her first husband, where she found herself a widow at age 36 before they even reached their first anniversary. She additionally shares a funny story about her father. A bike accident caused him to go blind in one eye. However, that did not deter her from offering her father a little perspective, probably when he needed it most.
We all have a story to tell. Laurie-Ann helps others tell their stories through authentic storytelling. Loss has shaped her as a speaking coach and how she shows up on stage and writes her speeches. But perhaps, her optimistic energy has helped her stay grounded in the one thing she knows how to do and what she does best – reframe the weave the worst of stories into a tapestry of gold.
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Victoria Volk: Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. Today, my guest is Laurie Ann Muirbito, She is a public speaker. But first, I wanna share if you listened last week that I was going to change how I was gonna run this podcast a little bit. Forgoing the whole format of focusing on nonprofits and things, And I’m just gonna go with the flow and share content that I feel is on my heart or mind for that week what I feel I wanna talk about, who I’m speaking with, just go with the flow. So that’s how I’m going to move forward with this podcast, and I’m excited to say that the first conversation for this newly decided format is with Lori Anne. And so I’m going to have her fully introduce herself, and thank you for being here.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Thank you. So I am a reformed painfully shy girl who couldn’t even make eye contact who accidentally became a professional speaker. Funny story there. And I spoke on leadership and corporate engagement and would help companies and worked with a lot of the Fortune five hundred and one thousand companies. And then I just got tired of hopping on airplanes. And it was all because of a text message that I took a little bit of a pivot to help entrepreneurs such as yourself, new coaches, Victoria, to start leveraging speaking opportunities to grow their audience and fill out their programs. Because there are so many opportunities for all of us to be sharing our story and our solution with more people.
Victoria Volk: And so thank you for being here. And before I forget, what was the text? You can’t throw that out there and not share what the text was.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: That’s true. The text message was Lori and Do you write speeches? The people. And the answer was no. But because I kinda knew her, I said, I’ll help you.
And We met for coffee, and she was, like, three years away from retiring from her government job. And at that point, you will stand on your head for three more years to finish out your time. But I helped her craft a presentation because she had a side hustle that was kind of going to become her retirement hustle, if you will. And she was a stylist a personal stylist. And she had been successfully losing money for five years. Her husband said, you can’t do this when you retire. And so I was like, oh, I’ll teach you how to get booked. I’ll teach you how to write a presentation that’s compelling. Captivating and most importantly converting. And after her very first presentation, she walked away with two referrals to two other places to speak and three full-paying clients. In my books, that was a home run, and I that I was like, wonder if other coaches and consultants would like to know what I do and how to leverage speaking opportunities. And that’s how I kinda, like, got into the spot.
Victoria Volk: It was kind of a happenstance conversation for me too. Someone said, well, you wrote a book about grief, didn’t you? And I was totally looking to assist business owners, entrepreneur, solo entrepreneur, in just, like, one off conversations of how to, like, where are they stuck? And that’s what I was working towards, and this and she said that to me and I’m like, well, yeah, I did. It didn’t even occur to me that grief was something that I knew inside out. And so I’m glad that I asked about that text because oftentimes people ask us for what they need, right, that they know that we can offer them And if you are have experienced a lot of grief in your life, you have knowledge, you have wisdom, you have hinds the gift of hindsight to reflect on your life. And so what and you often ask yourself, what do I really wanna do? And the hint may be in what people are asking of you.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Yes. You have to listen very carefully.
Victoria Volk: So thank you for sharing that story. You actually are my speaking coach and it was kind of a no-brainer the last time we spoke to have you on as on my podcast because you’ve had a lot of loss and recent loss, big losses. And what struck me is that I didn’t even know your mother had passed away. I knew she was sick, but when we got on her call, I didn’t know she had passed away because you were still showing up. You’re still showing up for me and the other people that are in our mastermind. And I had no idea. I was like, none the wiser. And people might from the outside might say, oh, you’re so strong and say all these myths about grief, and are you really okay? They’re expecting you to fall apart too. So can you just share, like, your reflection on the well, first of all, let’s let’s start yeah. We’ll just I’ll let you take this.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: I’ll just share that. I’m not the sort of person to oh, my mother just died and put that out on social media and make the big announcement. My husband kind of did so. He put it out and he was like he put my mother’s obituary out there. But I’m not that sort of person. Probably because I don’t feel that I needed to have all of these people say, oh, I’m so sorry for your loss, when it was actually a beautiful experience. So my mother was diagnosed on Victoria, you don’t know this. Well, you know part of this. My mother was diagnosed with leukemia and like, sometime around February, March, there was a lot of tests that were going on. And my mother lives in Ohio. So she lives about a 12-hour drive away from where me and two of my other sisters are. And she lives close to one of my sisters. Who was taking her to the doctor’s appointment. And so and literally, on March 23rd, they’ve got the final diagnosis. My sister in Ohio called to share the news. And that my mother was going to proceed with chemotherapy. So, and she did well on the chemo. Until she just started to get too tired and she was tired of being tired. She was tired of being weak. She was tired of, like, she couldn’t even go to the bathroom by herself. And it was at that point that she was, like I’m just I’m done. I’m done with the treatments. I’m done with the blood work. I’m done with the getting platelets. I mean, she was literally had to get blood transfusions probably twice a week. Wow. Yeah. So that’s a little too frequent. She just decided she was like, I’m just done. So it’s a death can actually be a beautiful experience. And I have experienced one death prior my life got it back in 2004, and it was my first husband. And we hadn’t even been married that long. But again, both of them were a form of cancer. So it wasn’t a car accident. It wasn’t something that was really sudden. I knew it was going to happen. So I think when it’s gonna happen, like one I could step into being the person that my mother needed me to be, which was somebody who was strong, somebody who was smiling. Like me and my sisters, like, we just weren’t sad. It was, like, I mean, yes, it’s a sad experience. But it can also be really, really beautiful. And I don’t know, like, where I’m going with this story now. But the funny thing is so my sister made that phone call on March twenty third, twenty twenty two. My mother passed away on March twenty third. Twenty twenty three. Wow. Exactly one year. And I actually and I personally love the date that you died on three Twenty three. Twenty three. Just like mom to make her mark. Mhmm. But it can be sad if you decide that it’s going to be sad and traumatic, but it can also be really beautiful. And I chose to see it as a beautiful experience. I mean, I wouldn’t have wanted to have gotten the phone call that said, mom passed away. Moms you know, Mom’s mom’s dead. I was there. Listening to her, take her final breaths. And I found so much comfort. I mean, we were playing music, like my mother’s was had a very strong faith. So we’re playing a lot of these Christian songs that we knew that she’d love. And I remember telling my sister, can you she just lower it? Because I just wanted to hear her breathe. Yeah. Because sooner or later, it was like she was going to like, it was gonna be that last breath.
Victoria Volk: Eyes are just swelling up.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Mine too.
Victoria Volk: As a trained end of life do a lot, that is the goal and the mission to help families foster and nurture that desire for their loved one to have a death that is honoring their wishes and a death with dignity and respect and however they want that to look like. So had she expressed. I mean, obviously, she had a sense of agency where she was like, I’m done with treatment. And some family can get really up set by that, like, why aren’t you fighting? Why aren’t you trying? Like that can cause a lot of conflict in families when someone chooses that for themselves. But every family dynamic is different and every relationship is different. But it seemed that she was exhibiting her sense of agency from the moment she felt she needed to.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Yeah. And we as her daughter’s really look at it. It was like, what do you want mom? So we were constantly trying to honor her wishes and I remember, like, the moment, like like, okay. Let’s bring in hospice and they will explain everything to us. We’re also very blessed that one of my sisters is a registered nurse and actually does infusion therapies for people that are really ill. She goes to their home and gives them medicine. So to have somebody like my sister just like constantly monitoring and looking at the numbers, and she just knew where my mom was even if mom didn’t know where she was, And when I and when I say it was, like, it’s not that she didn’t know, like, her surroundings, but I’m talking about, like, diagnostically, like, what like, blood count numbers, what that actually meant. And so, I mean, so, like, having my sister, it was almost like, the adviser in the family, like, everybody was constantly looking to her, but we didn’t still opt for hospice so that my sister, the nurse, could be her daughter, and not her nurse, not her caretaker. And we think we thought that we were gonna be at the hospice house a lot longer than we actually were. We’re only there for two and a half days. Oh, wow. Yeah. I mean, when we when I tell you that, like, we packed snacks for days. For some reason, we thought we were gonna be there a while. Yeah.
Victoria Volk: Wow. How was this loss different for you in a lot of ways from your husband’s passing?
Laurie-Ann Murabito: My husband’s passing was really the first major death that I’ve ever experienced. And I was thirty-six and found myself a widow. I think, again, I was able to just put myself into the person that he needed me to be and honoring his wishes. And I’ll tell you a funny story. Because music is very uplifting for me. And I must have gone out, and this was literally like the day before he passed, and he passed very fast. I had gone to the market for something listening to some very upbeat music. So I come in the house and I’m smiling and upbeat and bouncy if my husband says to me. He says, you’re awfully upbeat for a woman who’s about to lose her husband. And I went, Mm-mm. Yeah. So would you like and I constantly was doing this throughout our marriage. I was always giving him choices. So would you like me to be sad and crying? Or would you like me to be smiling and laughing? And he chose to be smiling and laughing, and I said, okay, you got it. So your wish is my commands, basically. And that’s how I would just be. I just felt like I had to be this because he was constantly looking at me for clues, for, like, where am I? Again, health-wise, should I be afraid? And I was always like if I showed, like, no fear, like, you’re doing great. Everything is going according to plan on, then he would react And then his family, his brother, and sister, and daughter would also react the same way too. Like, everybody’s just feeding off of each other’s energy. So I just stepped into just being like, like, you’re doing great. Like, and that’s how I was throughout his illness. And my family didn’t even know that he was as sick as he was because it was always like, how is Bob? And I’m like, who’s great? But then great turned into good. Good turned into okay until my sister, the nurse, called one day and said, how are you doing? And I said about as good as a woman can be when her husband’s dying. My sister was like, what? Like, it’s just not something that I talked about because he was still in the mode at that time of fighting. He felt that it was part of his responsibility to because he was also the older brother, to be around for his siblings, to be around for his daughter, to be that role model. So it wasn’t until he made the decision. He was like, I’m tired. I said, okay. Well, like, like, little hospices next. So I think because of having that experience and when he took his last breath, that’s when I kind of got this new belief about death that it is as beautiful as life. Now, I’ve never had children myself but me and aunt and seeing my sisters have children I saw how beautiful like this experience was. And to me, like, It was as beautiful that I could be there with him as he departed from this world. So having that experience, it was like, here I am, I’m 55 and just lost my mom. So I was able to kinda tap into that same energy. And that experience to use with my mom. And we had a good time in her final days. My mother was hilarious. Tried a great sense of humor.
Victoria Volk: Did you not let people see your fear? Did you not let people see like, in the quiet moments, like, when you’re sitting on the toilet or when you’re driving, like, is that when, like, you just let it out? Like, when did you let it out?
Laurie-Ann Murabito: In the shower.
Victoria Volk: In the shower.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: That’s when I would cry in the shower. I would cry when I was when I was driving. Yeah. When yeah. When people couldn’t see me. Because, again, I guess, like and I’m the oldest. So I feel like that sense of responsibility to be that role model. And like, four others. So if I can be strong they don’t have anything to, like, worry about. So there are pros and cons to that sort of behavior, certainly. And But it also makes me the eternal optimist.
Victoria Volk: I was gonna say you must have positivity in your top ten and your u map. Fire I had to take the assessment. I bet you have positivity up there.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Well, my dad had a major accident on his bicycle. And so this happened, like Bob passed away. It was after Bob had passed away like, several years. And had a massive head injury med flighted to Boston, that sort of injury. And so ended up being blind in his right eye. Even though he’s wearing a helmet, he just hit a rock just right underneath his helmet. So my dad’s blind in his right eye. But meaning the eternal optimism, I think I sent this to him, in the hospital, if not, shortly after I was like, I was like, dad, that’s why you got two eyes, two arms, two legs, two kidneys, several lungs, slopes. I was like, stop it. Stop complaining about that you’re blinding your right eye. You got another one. Again, internal optimist
Victoria Volk: Perspective. Right. It can accept I mean, it’s like being kept and obvious, but But it’s also, like, just to give someone perspective. Like, it — Mhmm. — it could be worse. Right? It yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: It could have been a whole lot worse. And if anything with my dad because the front part of your brain is where your personality is, His personality changed. My father is the typical engineer. And as a result of getting hit in the head, he’s way more talkative. Really? Maybe we’re to oh, yeah. Had my sisters and I known this? We’d hit them in the head a long time ago. And I use that story in my speaking. Yes.
Victoria Volk: Perfect segue. So how has your speaking transformed from, because you were a public speaker before your husband, Bob?
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Yes.
Victoria Volk: And so how has that shifted and changed and how have you grown as a public speak speaker since you’ve experienced a grief and loss that like you’d have.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: More authentic — Mhmm. — more urgency, because life is short. I think a lot of us know that, but we don’t really know that. We understand it, but we don’t actually put that understanding into action. So he was here and he was in my life and I was in his life for a reason. So what was I going to do now as a result of like, wow, like just seeing the evidence that life is so short. Because he did die really young. And I just had that sense of urgency, like, why am I hanging around? Why am I just waiting. Why am I playing small? What if I just went all out? Because like, what if I only had another six months to live? And my mother was very fortunate to live to almost 80. And in those final days and weeks and months, I mean, like, to have, like, some of these conversations that her night should have had a long time ago. And I remember her saying to me something about, like, we wasted so much time because we didn’t have this a particular conversation. And I said, that’s okay. We’re gonna live a lifetime of our relationship in a short period of time. That’s all. Like, here’s what we got. Again, the eternal optimist kind of came out then also. So in my speaking, like, I really do share deeper stories, not these superficial stories. I’ll share myself. I mean, I’ve spoken on days that one time in particular I spoke in Boston, on the anniversary that, well, that my husband and I would have shared our wedding anniversary. So I’ve shared about that because then people really get to know really get to know me that I’m not just some stick figure up there that’s like talking about leadership and but I get to be like a lot more honest. A lot more honest even like with my private clients also. It’s like, here’s who I am. Here’s some of my loss. Like, my life has not been peachy came. It’s like the social media. Everybody thinks that everybody’s life looks so perfect. And that’s what I should be striving for when it’s like, no. It’s full of tears and some hurts and some disappointment. Am I disappointed that my husband and I didn’t even make it to our first anniversary? Yeah. I was. But what I did was I made the best of the situation. And I’ll problem. Me and my sisters will do the same thing with my mom. And what I mean by that is so my husband and I were married on March 6. He passed away on November 1st. So when March 6 rolled around, I had a cocktail party at my house. Filled with some people that I that I chose. And it was just to, like, celebrate that him and I, like, we got married a year ago. And then on November 1st, again, I had another cocktail party in my house, and it was filled with the people who had supported me in that past year. And I remember that time people saying, somebody had said, because everybody always stands around in the kitchen. Like, Laurie-Ann, who are all these people? And I literally went around the room and I not only named who they were, but this is what you did. For me and supported me or Bob, like, in the past year. And just kinda I knew that I had to change the date. The meaning of the day. Mhmm. And so that’s why I had the cocktail party. So my mother’s birthday is August 14th, and I know that we will one sister is already gonna be out of town, but I’ll probably have coconut cake. That was my mother’s favorite. Nothing fancy. It’s a pepperidge farm or nothing. My mother had to have pepperidge farm coconut cake. And I will have coconut cake in my mother’s honor.
Mhmm.
Victoria Volk: I don’t know if that.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: And then come March twenty-third, I’m sure me and my sisters will do something fun also. So I just think that grief gets to be what you want it to be. This is what you talk about all the time Victoria’s about. How to do grief differently. So let me share with you going to the funeral home. I remember my mother’s pretty funny. And me and my sisters all got her sense of humor. So we must have been giggling as we were walking up the steps. And it’s a Friday afternoon. Mom passed away on Thursday night. And he opens the door and just we go into his office, we sit at this table, this wooden table, it’s me and my sisters that are kind of in a semicircle and he’s on the other side and he says, this reminds me of growing up. Me and my four older sisters, not that you guys enrolled because I think I’m the oldest one, and that started it. We were in his office for ninety minutes. Laughing. The tissues that we had that he had on like, we weren’t crying. They were tears of joy or laughter. And he’s asking us questions about my about our mom, and we’re like, some of the questions, like, we actually didn’t know the answer. I remember hearing them, like, where did my mother go to when did you graduate high school? We were like, shit. I don’t know. I don’t know. So now we’re texting my aunt, her sister. Who’s her remaining the only remaining person in her family now. We’re texting her and I label it as, we’re doing funeral trivia. Funeral trivia. Okay? So these so so you sort of get a sense of what this was like, ninety minutes were laughing. So he was trying to ask all this information because he’s going to write the typical obituary. But my sister one of my sisters loves to write. And I’ve done a lot of copy classes. So we decided that we’re going to write it instead, and it was hilarious. It had lusilism and my mother loved Yazzi and some just some phrases that she constantly said, Well, my aunt, when she said when she read the obituary, she said, you guys are hired. You’re writing mine when I need one. But the funeral director he was expecting something like that because we send it to him, like, it’s not your typical obituary. He was, like, I wouldn’t spectatistical one from you for you girls. So he was just he really helped I love the fact that he was so he just mirrored us instead of, well, you’re supposed to be sad. Are you guys just avoiding this and, like, we weren’t avoiding anything? We knew that it was coming. And I think he also just made us feel that it was okay for us just to laugh. Now for anybody who’s listening, I mean, don’t think that we didn’t have our breakdowns. I certainly had my moments that I would say I’m not proud of. Just we’re not gonna get sad and said things that I like, in hindsight, it was just like, oh, god. Why didn’t I say that to that person? So there’s a lot of forgiveness. Forgiveness of ourselves. That’s something that I know that you talk about a lot.
Victoria Volk: I can see my siblings and I kind of doing a similar thing when we have the right obituary for my mom. Someday. She’s going to be 80, but she still works. And she’s a firecracker of a lady and she’s like the type of person you hear her before you see her. Gotcha. Yeah. She doesn’t know a stranger. Anywhere. Yeah. It just makes me reflect on how I can see us trying to I mean, it’s one last way to honor the person too, right, to kind of bring their personality into how you want them to be remembered and things like that. Yeah. So thank you for sharing that. And also that there is, like, you can be positive and you can try to support others in making light of the situation, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t have your own moments. Right? And the and the privacy of your own heart, and there’s a lot of people like that. I’m like that. Like, I try to keep it to not to myself. Like, I let it out, but I like to let it out in private because — Yeah. — and were you like that as a kid too? Like, I they had to send search parties out for me. At one time they did because I was in the linen closet. When I was upset or sad or I was crying, I would go and hide to cry. Under the bed and I’d fall asleep wherever I laid, whether it was the kitchen cupboard and where the cereal was. Which was one time or in the linen closet or under my bed, which was
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Oh my gosh.
Victoria Volk: That’s but I think, too, And this is where I wanna talk about this aspect of it too. It’s the myths of grief, like one of two of them are, grief alone, and another is be strong. And so this stuff is taught to us as children. And so can I ask growing up? Was that how grief was mirrored for you or shown how you respond. How was grief taught to you? When you’re growing up.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: I think the short answer is I don’t know.
Victoria Volk: Mhmm.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: But to answer the question, I think, watching my parents who are like growing up. You just think like that’s the way that life is. There’s so much that happens. In family dynamics that we don’t like, I wasn’t sort of person that question much. I observed I’m a really good observer. My father, the engineer, I remember a close uncle of his passing, and I did I do remember my father crying. As soon as he got off the phone, I was too young when his dad passed. To really remember that, but I do remember the uncle. And I do remember my mother bringing me to, like, wakes as a young girl. And I did think it was I thought it was weird. Like, I think the first one that my mother brought me to was a young girl who had was a somebody that she worked with, and their daughter, I think, had drowned. So it was a young person. Wow. So I don’t know if it was my mom’s way of just saying like, hey, like, this is just like what happens in life. But my mother was also the sort of person who didn’t deal well with any feelings that were other than happy and joyful. So she stuffed her feelings down. So maybe that’s where I learned that whole modeling thing, model your strength, and just be happy. So it wasn’t something that I don’t know how to answer that because I don’t
Victoria Volk: remember that I did. I think you guys did.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Thank you. Because of a coach and having gone through coaching, education and having coached a lot of people, like one the death of my first husband. So those were choices that I made. I decided. I decided that I didn’t wanna have any regrets.
I do remember that decision. I did not wanna have any regrets when he passed. So if that meant making the really fattening shrimp alfredo, which he absolutely loved, if it meant like having that like night after night, then that’s what I would do. If it meant having ice cream after a dock appointment instead of going and getting a decent lunch. Well, that’s what we did. I didn’t wanna have any regrets and that kind of meant, hey, what do you want? What do you wanna eat? What do you wanna do today? And just kind of making his final days and final moments joyful? And so I kinda did that with my mom too. She loved Arby’s especially during Lent. They had, like, the fish sandwich and and she loved their fries. So what do you think we did on Fridays? It was, like, We had to go get the fish sandwich. And it was really good, but just to see her enjoy eating it. Is it the healthiest thing? No. But who cares? Because the following day, it was like, mom, what do you wanna eat? I mean, she the woman was barely eating.
Mhmm. Just like I want a fish sandwich. Great. Texas Sifter. Pick up a fish sandwich.
I’m your way here.
Victoria Volk: So when she decided to stop treatment, did she start to feel like she could actually, like, live life a little bit?
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Because it was leukemia. I mean, she didn’t have a whole lot of time from the time that she decided. So it was literally like within seven days. We had a meeting on a Friday night knowing that come monday, mom, you gotta get platelets. Because it would give her a little bit of extra time. And actually, I might be getting my dates all messed up because I know she ended up in the hospital on Sunday night. So I remember it was just like, we’re gonna get you platelets before we, like, sign papers for that because it would give her a couple of days. And, I mean, leukemia can be a really an ugly death, and we are so fortunate that my mother she just stopped breathing. So it really wasn’t that much time. But she did end up in the hospital and she was like, I want it, I’m done. And so because she was in the hospital and she was saying, I’m done, she also can’t stay in the hospital because basically she was refusing care.
Victoria Volk: Right.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: So she got discharged to a hospice facility. And I gotta tell you, like, every step of the way, the people who picked her up in the ambulance, they were so amazing. This isn’t like this male and female, and they were kind of bickering back and forth. It was really kind of funny. I mean, it was just perfect for my mom. I was like, alright. And one of my sisters went with them and the hospice place was just absolutely it was a beautiful facility. Just a lovely room. It was just really nice just to be there with her.
Victoria Volk: I love that. I love that you had that experience with her and that you were able to, as a family, too,
Laurie-Ann Murabito: so many miracles happened. Oh, yeah. That’s
Victoria Volk: fair to share.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Yes. One of my sisters hadn’t seen or spoken to my dad in, I’m gonna say, fifteen years. This is the nurse’s sister. She also wasn’t even around for my mom for fifteen years, but when it came time that my mother needed that, my sister stepped right up to the point, she was there. Many sleepless nights, she stayed at, she just stayed at my mom’s house at her apartment. So in my mom’s passing, my sister and dad, I wouldn’t say that they I don’t know if they I don’t know what’s going on now, but I can say tell you that they were together looking at pictures and talking. And so that was beautiful. She brought all four of us together. It was nice that, like, we would, like, have relationships with this one and, like, that one and those two over there. But to bring us, like, all together. I mean, staying at my sister’s house, I was like, great. This is like a sorority house now. It was a lot of fun and it was a lot of laughs at the same time. So she’s done. In her passing, did some really amazing things. And we have now adopted our aunt, her sister, as our new mom, because she only had one daughter. So she’s like, now I got four more. Oh. Yeah. It was really it can be beautiful. So you are always talking about let’s do grief differently. People I just want you get to decide what it looks like. It doesn’t have to be what we’re taught, what we see on TV, that it’s this absolutely devastating thing. I mean, we just had Mother’s Day. I got a few people who sent me text messages concerned because it was the first mother’s day, but I didn’t my mother lived in Ohio. So I didn’t really see her on Mother’s Day, at least for the past six years, six or seven years. So it wasn’t that bad.
Victoria Volk: And I have a confession. I did not. I did not message you. And I know. And it didn’t even and, like, here I am. I’m, like, the grief specialist and I didn’t even message you. Like, I’m so sorry.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Don’t be.
Victoria Volk: I’m sure you didn’t think anything. I’m sure you didn’t think anything of it.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: No. But Two people who sent me messages that were just like, Oh, what? That’s nice. Oh. And I was just like, I’m doing well.
Thank you. Yeah. It can be a beautiful experience, but you gotta decide. How do you wanna look back on it?
Victoria Volk: How do you wanna look back on it? It’s almost like this foreshadowing. Like, you have to almost four and I have a friend that she kinda she says that a lot. Like, she almost lives her life with this foreshadowing perspective. Like, she kinda, like, plays out a scenario to the end.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Nice.
Victoria Volk: Yeah. And she, like, foreshadowed, like, okay. So how do I want the ending to be? How do I get the ending to be, how I want it to be? And part of that can be some control. Right? Like, you wanna control the outcome that, but at the same time, it’s like I think it’s just discerning for yourself and having some thoughtful contemplation, really. And some intention. Like, you’re bringing intention into how you move forward by playing out different scenarios. Playing it out to the end.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Yeah.
Victoria Volk: So I think when it comes to death and dying, especially for people who know it’s coming. It doesn’t feel like a gift at the time, but it truly is. Because you have the gift of knowing that it’s coming. Whereas, like you said, if it’s a tragic accident or something that’s sudden. It’s like you get hit by a truck yourself, you could can feel that way. And then you have all these regrets because, oh, I never told them I love them. And actually, I was just talking to someone not that long ago. It was a family member actually. I was there in the morning and so the family members were leaving and the husband was going off to work and the sun to school and the wife was working from home that day and and and I was saying goodbye, love you to is my family members and my sister-in-law, she was like, oh, great. So now you’re gonna show me up. Like, because they don’t have that kind of dynamic. They don’t communicate that on a daily basis, whereas in my house, every day, we’re telling each other, we love each other, and goodbye, and good morning, and good night. Like, even my kids are gone, I’m texting them, can I love you? Or, so it’s almost a daily. And I just said, you don’t know if you’ll get a chance later.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: You don’t.
Victoria Volk: And we often just don’t think about that. We just we go about our day-to-day and we just think that tomorrow is guaranteed or that we can say it later or what have you. But I think if there’s any message here in this conversation today, it’s that you get to choose what today looks like.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Mhmm.
Victoria Volk: And what you do with today and you also get to choose on if you have your regret or not.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Yeah. Choice. We all have choice.
Victoria Volk: Yeah.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: And it can be just something so different.
Victoria Volk: And it does it have to take someone getting a cancer diagnosis or someone getting a terminal illness or someone having that tragic accident that’s unexpected for us to, like, reflect on our lives and how do I wanna show up now? And just how you said, circling back to when your husband passed away, it’s like, you ask yourself these big questions. Like, you were 36. Like, there wasn’t a where there are a lot of resources for a young widow even at that time. I mean, that’s I hear that now, like, young widows or it’s difficult being a young widow.
Victoria Volk: It was very difficult. I found one group, but there was something that the social worker who was running it said and it didn’t sit with me well. And I walked out and I had gone with a friend of mine because I actually had two friends who lost their husbands in their twenties. So I had two young friends who were also young widows. Sort of navigating life also. And I walked out and I remember, like, asking one of them, did she really say and she’s like, uh-huh. I was like, yeah, I’m never going back there. So I never found my husband was paralyzed from an operation. And brought him out to California for this operation for somebody because he was just he was stuck between a rock and a hard place. So we ended up being paralyzed And I mentioned something about that. And she made some sort of comment, like, you married him even though he was paralyzed. Yeah. Yeah. Like that look. They’re just like yeah.
It’s kinda like what happens when you really love somebody. Like, it didn’t matter to me. Yeah. He ended up in a wheelchair. It was the his last operation paralyzed him.
Victoria Volk: Wow.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Yeah. So that was why I didn’t go back. So I had to navigate it by myself because there’s a lot of grief groups with, like, you walk in and everybody’s, like, in their seventies. Mhmm. It’s like, oop. I don’t really fit here. Yeah.
Victoria Volk: And it isn’t common that you had actually two friends that had experienced that.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Right.
Victoria Volk: what a blessing that was —
Laurie-Ann Murabito: It was a huge blessing. Yeah. Because they both kinda shared their experience with me and what they did and what not to do. Yes. I got a couple of whatnots to do afterwards. Yeah.
VictoriaVolk: What have you found or discovered about yourself in how you wanna move forward in speeches, in working with clients, like, now you it’s like you have all this just more experience, right, behind your belt and
Laurie-Ann Murabito: I think it’s too you have motivation to eliminate fear. Because like think back to some of those moments even just like ten years ago, if you’re listening to this, just reflect on something that you found fearful ten years ago, and you look back on it now. And you’re probably thinking to yourself because this is what I do at least. It’s like, what was I so afraid of? Let’s just take a difficult conversation. That fear of having that difficult conversation. And then you had it it’s just and then you have the conversation, and it’s so freeing. Mhmm. So I guess, like, my advice would be, like like, what would happen if you eliminated fear? So with my clients, like, they are telling their story. They are sharing their solutions so that they can grow their business have a bigger impact, help more people. But it’s always like, I know you’re afraid of being judged You’re afraid to hit that go live button. You’re afraid to send that email to that meeting planner. But what if we eliminate fear? Like, what would be possible if fear was not in the way? And fear shows up in many different colors. Shows up as procrastination. As the oh, this is hard. I’ll do it later. I don’t know how to do this. What if I’m judged? What will people think? Fear shows up in so many different colors and costumes, if you will. So what would happen if you recognize fear and just made friends with fear. Interested it anyways. So that’s part of my work is helping people tell their story. Helping people just get out there and share their story because it’s it all starts with your first story. Your first speech, your first video. What would happen if we didn’t compare ourselves to where we were, to where we think we should be? That’s how I would say that that’s how this has changed me. And I’m and I know that there’s lots of stories that I’m gonna have from my mother’s passing. Right now is not the time to be sharing them. Certain stories, I guess. But I’m sure, like, there’s a lot of lessons that have come from the experience. I got the phone call, and we literally thought my mother was dying, like, the next day. And when I saw her, like, my sisters and I, like, all flew out there. And when we saw her, I was just like, oh my god. My mother’s meeting her maker, like, in a matter of hours. They changed an antibioticer and she, like, turned around.
I was like, keep this crow, this is a there was a roller coaster ride that I wanted to get off. We all did. It’s an emotional rollercoaster ride, but that’s okay.
Victoria Volk: As many challenges in life are. Right?
Laurie-Ann Murabito: That’s right.
Victoria Volk: So once you get to the end, eventually, you get to the end of the roller coaster. That’s right. There’s dips and valleys and kinks and it’s all part of the experience.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Of life. Yes. And that’s why your work is so important so that this doesn’t become a weight that people carry in their backpack for the rest of their lives. You help them lighten the load unpack that backpack, if you will.
Victoria Volk: I do and is one of the most rewarding things. It’s my full circle moment, I guess, so to speak. I’m sure we all have those full-circle moments. Did you always expect as a child that you would be helping people tell their stories? Or did you wanna be a journalist?
Or did you see yourself on stages?
Laurie-Ann: God, No. Or painfully shy girl. No. I was in healthcare.
Victoria: And you were?
Laurie-Ann: Yeah. I come from a healthcare, doing cardiac and vascular ultrasound testing.
Victoria: Really?
Laurie-Ann: Yep. So just one on one work with people.
Victoria Volk: Wow. So what did you wanna be though when you were a child when you.
Laurie-Ann: I did wanna be an actress. So there is that sort of, like, limelight. But again, I was really shy as it is. And it’s so funny how it’s like, as a speaker, you are entertaining people. But I’m entertaining them while they are learning something. So there’s a little bit of that I wanted to be an actress. Yeah. Good question.
Victoria Volk: I love this conversation. Is there anything else that you would like to share you feel is important to share?
Laurie-Ann: I feel like I have shared a lot but I guess I will just reiterate that you always have choice. You always have a choice on how you wanna react to something and how you want something to look and feel. So whether you’re going through illness or lost like your mom, like like I did that you get to look at it and decide how you want to define it. If it’s a sudden death that you weren’t expecting, like, from an ax I think you still can do the same thing is to decide what does this get to look like? How will this change me? Do I want it to change me? Moving forward,
Victoria Volk: How do I want it to change me. I like that. I like that rephrase. Yeah.
Laurie-Ann: Thank you.
Victoria Volk: Where can people find you?
Laurie-Ann: They can find me at my website is speakandstandout.com. And I also have a podcast called Be in Demand. And you can find me over on Instagram and LinkedIn, but all of that is like if you just go right to my website, that will have everything.
Victoria Volk: And I will throw in a shameless plug because you are my speaking coach, and you did help me write a speech, which I’ve yet to present, but it is something that I do look forward to. And I have been working on getting some speaking opportunities. And I have had some and also yeah. And to get on podcast too, that’s part of it as well. That’s speaking too. So thank you for all the work that you’ve done with me and how you’ve supported me, and I just so appreciate you.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: My pleasure because you are helping so many people. Thank you.
Victoria Volk: And Likewise.
Laurie-Ann Murabito: Your work. Thank you.
Victoria Volk: Thank you. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Grieving Voices Podcast, Growth, Healing, Mental Health, Mind/Body Wellness, Podcast, solo episode |
Tough Love | I Don’t Have Time To Work On Myself
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
May is Mental Health Awareness Month!
Taking mental health seriously and prioritizing it is the job of the individual. Even if you find yourself in a situation where you are forced to prioritize your mental health, that doesn’t necessarily equate to successful results. The effort you make, along with your intention, will create positive outcomes.
We can allow ourselves to become bogged down by grief in our lives, or we can take small, actionable steps every day that move us forward and create momentum for healing. This is precisely what we do through my program, Do Grief Differently.
There are ripples created from grief, which are often not pleasant. But there can also be really positive ripples that come from healing as well. When we are hungry, we eat. When we are thirsty, we drink. No matter what we are doing, we will make the time to eat or drink when our bodies need nourishment.
How is your body giving signals that it needs the support of the mind and spirit?
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
Thank you for tuning in to another episode of grieving voices. If you’ve been here before and if this is your first time listening, thank you for being here. Typically, this would be a guest feature episode of a nonprofit, which is what the theme was to be for 2023. However, I’ve run into some snags in getting some nonprofits scheduled. There is one nonprofit. I’m really excited to get on the podcast, but they are busy at this time. With legislative work, very important work. So I’ll just have to be patient, but it just brought to my mind, why am I putting myself in a box with this podcast? Why am I thinking I need to stick to some sort of theme or whatnot?
And so just yesterday, actually I was on a call with Mastermind I am in for public speaking. And it just occurred to me “Why don’t I just do what I want?” When I want, however, I want. So it seems like a no-brainer but I think I was trying to stick to some sort of process or some sort of regiment or something so that I maybe could stay focused but truthfully, that’s not really how my mind works. I personally love variety. I love surprises and not necessarily knowing what’s coming next. And so if you’re my people listening to this, you might be the same. And if you aren’t, I’m sorry. Sorry, not sorry.
So I think moving forward, not I think. I am moving forward with this podcast. Just putting out content that I feel inspired to share it. It might be “Q and A episode”. It might be like today’s episode, which is a brand-new type of episode. It might be “Where are they now episode” which I do have someone scheduled that later this month. I’m excited about that. It might be a nonprofit or a foundation organization. I am in the works on getting some of those scheduled, so be on the lookout for those. And I’m thinking I will reconnect with I had a lot of applications last year for this year’s podcast. But because I had changed the format, I had to let them know that I was changing the format. So I think I will reach out to those individuals as well and bring back some guest interviews. I get a lot of author submissions. And so I don’t necessarily need more author submissions but if you have a nonprofit organization or foundation or you’re just the person next door, you don’t have anything to sell, you don’t have anything special to put out in the world but you want to share your story. I really want to hear the stories of grievers who are like most of us we’re just the person next door.
And so I really encourage you to reach out to me. Fill out the form on my website. I am going to be updating it. So it’s not just about nonprofits. Yeah so look forward to maybe more of a variety show, grieving voices variety show, which what won’t change is that we’ll be talking about grief because no matter what the topic is, business or parenting or our health, grief is an aspect of it and plays a role in our lives and in all areas of our lives it affects all areas of our lives, financial, spiritual, you name it.
What Is Taking Priority In Your Life?
So this brings me to today’s episode which I’m calling Tough Love. Where people might say I don’t have time to work on myself. I actually had a conversation with someone not that long ago where this was you can say a valid reason. The person traveled a lot. They just were on the road a lot. They traveled. So how do you find the time amidst travel to work on yourself? You have a work day and then your jet setting, flying here and there and everywhere. And there aren’t I don’t know if there aren’t a lot of us who fly a lot for our careers or our jobs, but no matter if that’s you or not, I hear this a lot from people. I don’t have time to work on myself. I’ve got one, two, three, four, five kids. I’ve got a full-time job and a lot of moms who work outside of the house called. They come home and they do what’s called the second shift. Like I get it. I have three kids. They’re all teenagers. They weren’t always teenagers. They used they require a lot more of my time. And in fact, they were much younger when I had a full-time business. And they weren’t all in school.
And I think you just have to make it a priority. It’s like saying you don’t have time to eat or drink. You’re hungry but you don’t have time to eat. Well, you’re still gonna eat. And if you’re thirsty, you’re gonna get something to drink. Because if you don’t eat or you don’t drink, you’ll shrivel away. You will collapse. And so like saying you don’t have time to work on yourself is like saying you don’t have time to eat. And I just want you to think about that because we prioritize nourishing our bodies. But how many of us prioritize nourishing our hearts, nourishing our minds, and nourishing our spirits? I want you to think about that. This is like I said, this is my tough love episode. I won’t call it out as an excuse but you can draw your own conclusion. If you feel like it’s an excuse, I don’t know you. I don’t know your situation, people in particular, listening to this. And everyone’s situation is different. But we prioritize what is important to us and often we put ourselves last. We put our mental health last. We put our hearts last. We put our spiritual well-being last. And so what is taking priority in your life? What has become more important in your life? Think about that. Because if I had not done the work that I started doing five years before I actually did the really difficult work. I don’t think I would have even gotten to the point of doing the really difficult work.
The Work That I Do
It took me five years to slowly slowly, very slowly, rip off the band-aid. I really took my time with it. And in hindsight, I wish I would have known in 2014 what I learned in 2019 because had I known in 2014, what I found out in 2019, I wouldn’t have waited. I would have just ripped off the band-aid in 2014.
Because I was so much better at it. I was healthier in mind, body, and spirit for it. Of really doing the deep difficult hard inner work. I had a client say to me, “You know hear all the time people say you have to do the work”. And I was just frustrated with what’s the work? Nobody would really explain it. She said, “What is the work?” And after going through my program, Do Grief Differently, She’s like, “It clicked.” This is the work. This is the work. The work that we do in Do Grief Differently is the work. So if you’re ready to do the work and need some support and ripping off the band-aid in and loving supportive, handheld way, I encourage you to reach out to me and inquire about Do Grief Differently, the one-on-one program. Or I also offer a group program which is available also online. But sometimes we just need some tough love.
And I love challenging people and pushing people beyond what they think they’re capable of because I will tell you that you are capable of so much more and your life can feel so much more fulfilling and meaningful once you clear out the cobwebs like get rid of all the yuck and the stuff that’s boggling you down in your life and in your heart and in your spirit and in your mind. So you can see more clearly, so you can discern for yourself more effectively, so you can make healthier choices and decisions for yourself. You can trust yourself more, build your confidence, create boundaries that maybe you’ve never had or never knew you needed. There’s so many byproducts and benefits of doing the work and taking the time to work on yourself. Think of it as life or death, and you might make a different choice for yourself. That’s today’s episode in a nutshell.
P.S. And if you found it helpful which I hope you did, maybe insightful and maybe like a kick in the tooth to just look at your life and maybe make a change. Do something differently, do grief differently. I’m here to support you. Either through this podcast. If you’re not quite ready to dig deep or through many of the resources on my website there are a lot of free resources. And there’s always help and support out there if you look for it. May is mental health awareness month and make it a priority because it’s probably not just your life depending on it. You may have a spouse, you may have children, grandchildren, you may be a daughter, maybe a mother, or a friend. There are ripples that are created from grief. But there can also be really positive ripples that come from healing as well. So thank you so much for tuning in. If you like my new idea for this podcast of just making it a variety show, doing whatever I feel like, whenever I feel like and however I feel like, please share your thoughts. I’m doing this podcast for you my listeners. It’s not for my health, although I get so much joy out of it. So maybe it’s partially for my mental health too. Because I get great joy from feeling like someone listening to this is truly being helped and feeling supported. Again thank you for listening and until next time. Remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life, much love.
Grieving Voices Guest, Grieving Voices Podcast, Growth, Healing, Mental Health, Mind/Body Wellness, Podcast, Suicide, Where Are They Now? |
Quandell Wright | Where Are They Now?
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Quandell’s first episode was Ep. 28 | The Scars of Abuse, Poverty, and Shame, recorded in October 2020 and went live on January 5th, 2021.
Listening to Quandell’s first episode is recommended to appreciate where Quandell was and how far he’s come in his life.
He asks one question in this episode: “How do you grieve?” It’s a question we all would benefit from reflecting upon and recognizing where we may need additional support or accountability for moving forward.
Personal development and life transformation is a marathon, not a sprint. In this first “Where Are They Now” episode, Quandell shares how his life has changed in the two and a half years since we first spoke.
In the words of Quandell: “You never know if the best is yet to come. What if you looked at life this way?”
Just breathe…
RESOURCES:
CONNECT :
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
This episode is sponsored by Do Grief Differently™️i. My 12-week in-person or online program helps Grievers who have suffered any type of loss to feel better, and Do Grief Differently™️. You learn new tools, education, and a method you can utilize the rest of your life. In this program. And with my guidance, you remove the pain of grief, the sadness will always be there because even in complicated relationships we love but it’s the pain of grief that keeps us stuck. Are you ready to do grief differently? Check out my website wwwtheunleashedheart.com to learn more.
Victoria Volk 0:00
Welcome to grieving voices today is a Where are they now episode and I would like to reintroduce you to an old friend of mine, who I’ve been following ever since we first talked and I’m excited to share where he’s been, because this is me learning for the first time to just what his updates are. But I’ve been following him online. And I know he’s been doing some amazing things. So I’m excited for him to share more about that. But first, Q Quandell I call you Q. Please reintroduce yourself to those who may be listening to this for the first time. Just tell us who you are.
Quandell Wright 0:45
Okay, cool. Hey, how you doing? My name is Quandell Wright I’m a I’m the founder, fashion designer of William Palmer. I’m based out of Detroit, Michigan. So that’s why.
Victoria Volk 0:55
I love it. And we first talked I actually looked it up just to make sure I get it right, because your first episode is episode 28. And it was published January 5 2021. So here we are, over two years later. Isn’t that crazy?
Quandell Wright 1:00
I know. Right?
Victoria Volk 1:04
And but we initially talked October 22 2020. And at the time you had been going through, or you had just finished something like that. It was around that time you were working with me in Grief Recovery. Yeah. And I imagine a lot has changed for me in that time. But I imagine so much has changed for you too. And yeah. So I suggest for those who haven’t listened to Episode 28, start there, because this one will make it’ll just be the icing on the cake. This episode is like that. Yeah. So listen to that one first, come back to this one. So please, share with me, what’s all changed for you since then?
Quandell Wright 2:06
Oh, a lot. Um, I mean, my, my spirit, you know, definitely, you know, start from there. I had a rough that was a rough year for me, every level you could probably think of, um, but, you know, my, my brand, like my career and everything that I’m doing a lot of things is elevated. And so it’s been it’s been a journey for sure. It’s been a journey. So from that time to now it’s been a lot of like recovery, a lot of growth. A lot of, you know, of course ups, you know, ups and downs, you know, that that comes with life. But overall, like, it’s been, it’s been great. It’s been an experience, you know, I want to kind of day ranch in 2020. That was a Yeah. So fast forward to now with that information, I’m actually kind of connected with the guy that designed Kanye footwear. So yeah, so that’s, that’s really, really dope, collaborating with Baron Davis, the former former former NBA player, and I’ve been working with Gary Payton as well. It’s been really nice. It’s been nice. It’s been nice. So but other than that, like my spirit, just the way that I look at life from a different perspective, controlling my emotions and know how to get out of certain spaces when I need to take in my time grieving when I need to knowing how to grieve, you know, because life still carry on and things still happen. You know, I lost a couple more people throughout the years and things like that. So just kind of learn it and just, you know, learn it from what you taught me about about grieving and everything like that helped me a lot with it, and helped me help others with the grieving process as well. So it’s been a journey and it’s been great. So that’s for now I am. I am happy.
Victoria Volk 4:03
I’m loving hearing that. Absolutely. Especially how you mentioned your spirit, like you feel healthier and your spirit.
Quandell Wright 4:11
Definitely feel healthy and my spirit and, and physically, I’ve been going to the gym like crazy. I lost about overall I lost almost about 20 pounds. So I’m 16 pounds away from my go. Yes, thank you and I’m a gym rat now like, I have to be in there. I’m in there almost every day of the week. If it’s not then you know, too heavy. I’m doing something like but I made sure I get in gym and I get into Gemini. I release you know, I release stress, whatever and it really helps you know, eating better. Intermittent fasting has been great for me. You know, I’ve been able to clear my mind and yeah, it’s been good. It’s been good. So far, so good. It’s been good.
Victoria Volk 4:55
And so at the time to you, we’re just really getting going on Disney shirt designs and things like that out of your garage. Right? And so how has that changed? Like what are you doing now in that line of business there since that’s been the huge biggest shift elevation?
Quandell Wright 5:13
Yeah, exactly. Um you know I’m still into like the apparel of course, but now I kind of shift a shifted more towards accessory so are we least like this handbag, the pyramid handbag and that kind of like just took me off like not a just like, oh, you’re a purse guy. Like they don’t even remember the polls at all. Yeah. But it’s great. It’s great. Just been in the public eye. People taking selfies with me getting invited to places is really though, is a huge change. Yeah, so I’m getting.
Victoria Volk 5:47
I want to celebrate you for a minute too, because I was looking through your Instagram. And there was a Grammy winner. Yeah, correct. Yes. Who sported your purse? Yeah. Can you share about that?
Quandell Wright 6:01
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, Mr. Ryan, he’s actually a writer for oh, what is the name of that show? I forgot. Last is it last week? Last week, last week. Thursday is a show but he’s, he’s a writer for I think his name is John Oliver. I think he wrote for him for that show. He was a co writer. And a friend of mine is actually she is her name is Stephanie. She is the fashion coordinator for William Palmer. The style is of Mr. Ryan contacted her because she knew that she was affiliated with me somehow. And she contact me like, hey, this style is need to talk to you. They want to pull a few bags. And I’m like, sure, you know, and the stylists came over. We got connected. She came over and she was like, Yeah, you heard John Oliver. I was like, Yeah, you know that. She was like, Yeah, well, you know, Mr. Ryan, you know, he right with him. And he would like to wear your bag on the red carpet. I didn’t. He’s like what? And I had all these. Luckily, I had some bags here in my studio. And I was like, well, whatever you like, whatever you can do take. They took a few bags, they ended up you know, sending me a payment. I wasn’t even expecting to get paid for it. I would just assign it to have someone just sport it, you know, but he paid for their bag. He paid for the bag and I still ended up gifting one to him or whatever. And um, the next thing I know he wore it I think they had like a preemies it’s like it’s like me like red carpet before the actual Emmys but he were both bags for both days. And I was just really excited about it. And it was just a great experience to be put in that space and knowing like yo like I’m actually more out there than I think I am because I still just walk around like a normal person and people like oh, you will your bomber your him you know what I say him? You’re him. You’re the purse guy. Like Yeah, can I get a selfie? Can I get so it’s a great experience is really no I love it. But that was a that was really good though. That was really though, and I appreciate Mr. Ryan for that. So he’s still where he posts a picture with you know, one of his bags and one of his outfits. I love it. I love to see that so,
Victoria Volk 8:18
I just wanted to celebrate you for a moment there because that is so exciting. I’m just I think back to so many of those early conversations and and how low that we can feel in our lives you know you feel like you’re at rock bottom and I know your backstory and to just see you flourish now just these are the stories I love it’s it the Triumph stories right the comeback kid the you know you’re kidding me of someone who just kept with it and just stuck with it and never gave up on your dreams and your goals and and how is the shift with shifted things with your family?
Quandell Wright 9:01
Um, it’s you know, I’ve learned to how I want to put this I learned to like just be okay with certain things we can’t control everything family I mean everybody is well you know we we functioning better you know, I will say that we okay but um you know, I’m working I’m just learning how to stay in my space stay respectful try my best to keep peace and the same as on you know, her side as well. We try to understand and things like that but other than that the kids is great. The situation is a little bit better. You know, we could kind of like bump heads here and there. But you know, for the most part is way better than what it was before. So, as time go on, I believe that it can become better. I believe that but in the meantime, you know I’m working. I’m in my space she’s wearing gives us the airspace, the kids, they do and everything and sports and, you know, relationship, there’s all types of stuff going on with them. But you know, we are supportive, we are a great supportive family for one another. And, you know, we’re just doing our best we’re doing the best we possibly can. But it’s way better. It is is way better. So that’s a good thing.
Victoria Volk 10:21
Well, and like you said, you only have control over yourself. And so drawing a circle around your feet and focusing on becoming better for for yourself, you in turn become better for your family, too. And so, I love that things have improved in that area as well of your life. How would you describe the queue that you talked that talk to me? Two plus years ago? And how would you describe yourself today.
Quandell Wright 10:57
Um, the cute two years ago was very, was very, like, hurt, in dealing with past hurt and present hurt. So that’s a lot of hurt at that time. Very hitting, you know, per se, just trying to stay out of the way. angry, very angry. felt misunderstood. And then understand a lot of things. So it was just a lot of this trying to figure out how to handle things, you know, I’m saying because we think life is this way, but then you get this curveball, but life is actually this way. But how can I make life this way? So is this you know, it just always this and what I had to realize is that life dude, throw curveballs here and there. And it’s actually lessons, you know, so the cue now is more understanding more something. Very, very, um, I listened more now, you know, I was more defensive than and I can be a little defensive steal a little bit, but I’m learning to just like just hush and just receive the information. And then now, you know, with that, I can, you know, put out the information I want to put out, you know, because sometimes if we just sit there and receive the information clearly, and really comprehend it, it might not the situation might not even be about you for one, or you know, I’m saying whatever the case might be, but you have to listen to understand what’s going on. And what I had to understand is that a lot of people paying is not really paying, they have flipped it on you, it already has nothing to do with you at all, it just a lot of just, I want to put it like this. A lady might bump you in a grocery store, and you might blow up at her, right? That frustration wasn’t really for her. But she was the one that kind of shut the bottle to make you explode. Everything else, they had nothing to do with her. But it would just that moment, they just trigger that emotion. Like, that was the last little thing that just helped you like just release and just blow up at her. And she looking like whoa, this lady hate people. But it’s not that it’s just that you’ve been bottling, so much pain from your past, and situations in your present time. And you’re trying to just keep this bad day or keep this capsule as hard as possible. But this lady, this bumped you just a little bit with her basket. And now you just like, because that was like just everything right? So I had to understand that a lot of stuff that people throw at you is not really meant for you in the first place. It just at that moment, you just trigger a nerve, you just trigger some type of circuit emotional circuit that they you know, we all have, and I’m just that person that they see at that moment. But a lot of pain is not for you. So I had to learn that. And I do accept that. Because sometimes some people don’t understand that I like but okay, that’s not meant for me. I know that you had a lot of stuff going on. And that’s stuff that you have to grieve about and learn how to like, kind of like, fix that yourself. So I know that’s not meant for me. So I can’t take that. You know, I’m saying and be like, Oh, that was for me. And now I’m doing the same to you because it never stops. If that keeps happening. You’re not fixing anything, you’re not fixing the problem. You’re not coming up with a solution and you’re not fixing ourselves. So it’s just toxic. You know, I’m saying like energy all day long. But the reality is, you didn’t cause the pain that I have. Anyway, you know, I’m saying like, so I had to learn it. I had to learn it. So she’s getting better with self expression or so too. And I am too in a way so yeah, listening is key.
Victoria Volk 15:00
Well, it sounds like you’re listening to hear not listening to respond. And that is the difference, right? It’s called active listening. Yeah. And it brings me back to what I talk about because you speak in my language with the tea kettle, the analogy we use in Grief Recovery is you know, the tea kettle, we either implode or explode. Remember that
Quandell Wright 15:20
Exactly, exactly what you’re describing, as Yeah, remember that? Yeah, it’s true. It’s true. grieving and like grieving is easier said than done. Honestly, and I’m listening to, to not respond. is easier said than done. That is a very hard task for someone to sit there and let someone just express how they feel about nobody likes to hear like the raw feelings about their selves, because you already think want you already think stuff about yourself anyway, I don’t care who you are, you already have some self. Some self thoughts about you, like, Oh, I feel this way. And I’m overweight and stuff like so somebody’s telling you like, yeah, I have a problem that you’ve been overweight, you’re gonna get upset, like what I am trying, I am walking like you’re not let them you know, you’re not you’re defensive. Now, you know, in this lesson, because the next sentence may be like, No, you’re overweight. But I do see you trying, you will never hear that part. Because you already just jumped the gun because you hurt. I don’t like how you’re overweight. And you’re like, hey, look, I’ve been trying, I’ve been walking, you see me getting up, you see, whoop. And this person, like, I don’t even want to talk anymore, because you can’t even let me talk. And I was the whole. No, I was not you picking not? You know, now you like, Well, when I was trying to talk, you know, and it never stops. But you don’t know that that next sentence possibly was agreeing with you like, No, I don’t like how you’re, you know, you overweight a little bit. But I do see you trying. And I love that. And I have a few solutions, but we never get to the good part, because we hear the bad part. And we blow up and begin ffensive. So listening, and not responding is very good. It does. Yeah, it’s very good. Um, I’m not perfect, but it’s good.
Victoria Volk 17:09
It’s almost like when you have purchases that are sitting in your cart, or you know, shopping is one of the STERBS, right, the short term energy relieving behaviors. And so the recommendation, I’ve heard this not that long ago, wait five days, just wait five days, have it in your cart, and just wait five days. And after five days, if you still think you can’t live without it, at least you’ve let five days pass and you’ve sat with it, right? It’s almost like maybe wait five hours before you respond after someone shares something with you. And it’s okay to say, Hey, I just need to walk away. And I need to think about this. And I don’t want to say something that I will regret later, I want to really give a thoughtful response. And so, you know, can we put a pin in this conversation and come back to it when I’m not emotional? Right? Right. That’s part of emotional regulation is knowing when we’ve met our, our capacity to, to articulate ourselves clearly and to also hear clearly as well to write. Alright, let me ask you this, what is something that you would tell somebody who may be you two years ago? And are listening to you today? Like what do you think has been, maybe it’s been multiple things, what has helped you the most to, like, maintain, and to keep on this track of growth and development and
Quandell Wright 18:40
I’m brief, brief, I had to like sit down one day, like in a quiet space, and just breathe and look at the reality of a lot of things like life is really what we make it, a lot of the situations that we are in, is because of decisions that we made. And if you make important decisions, you get poor results. So I had to sit back and just look like okay, I’m behind on bills, because because of me because I actually pay for something else and thought I was able to come back and pay for that. But I should have just paid my bill first, I will never shut off simple decisions like that will fix a lot of stuff in our lives. Like okay, this bill come in, I’m gonna take care of that right now. I’m gonna just get it out of the way. So whatever else that I want. I could get that whenever I want. But take care of this bill first, I can’t afford anything to get shot off. You know, so I feel like we cause a lot of disrupt like disruption in our lives with our decision making, just breathe and just kind of just look at life from a different perspective. You know, I’m saying is really is really easier than we think it is. Life is really easier than we think it is. It’s really based off what we do and how we handle situations. I mean, like, I mean things happen, because that’s the life that just one happens. But I think we have a little bit more control than anybody say that we do. I really believe that like, if I go outside and throw rocks at cars, I’m going to jail like it’s, you know, like, I can’t like that was an important decision. But if I go outside and help somebody that was in a car accident or something like that, I mean, a good word might come out of it there or later on in life, or just, it might not never come, but you did a good deed, you made a good decision. And good things happen when you do good things. And bad things happen when you do bad things. I’m all about energy and frequency as well. I feel like if you, you have a chance to change, you know, a guy that robbed like 17 banks, he probably would have got away at a 16 bank robbery if he really stopped, but he didn’t. So he got arrested on the 17th one, and he like, ah, oh, my God, I shouldn’t. But I mean, you know, like your frequency have to change. If you if your fingers see the same, you want to get the same results, you want to get the outcome that you’re not going to like or you can’t handle. So people have time to change, you do have time to change your frequency is a lot of people in the world as walking around that we can only imagine what they’ve done in a life, they probably don’t know worst of the worst that we could ever imagine. Right? But they frequency change. And they live in life. Now they knew when to stop. And I know like when I say this to certain people they by Well, I mean eventually karma. And I’m like, Well, I believe the universe is neutral. And I do believe a karma and as such, but if you’re Frank or sea change, you won’t have to worry about that type of karma in a sense. So yeah, it only the bad results only happens if you keep going. You know, I’m saying so if you always depressed, that’s what I’ll say I don’t. I said I’m depressed. I stopped saying that a long time. I’d be like, Look, I’m fine. I’m going to be okay. I’m okay. This would be the storm will pass. Because of you the subconscious mind. I know the difference. So if you I’m depressed, I’m upset. I’m sad. You’re building that space for yourself. And that’s how you’re going to feel you’re going to be more low every day, low vibrations every day. But even through bad situations, I’d be like, I’m fine. I figured out not dying. You know, I’m gonna be okay. If it don’t work out the way that I think it should. It’s okay, how do they want to come I can’t the whale and live in that space at this moment. It’d be Oh,
Victoria Volk 22:43
I remember when we first talked you kind of you were just dabbling in talk started, you know, or you’re just kind of dabbling into metal you were dabbling into meditation. And you’re you were thinking more along those lines of frequency and energy. And, and I at that time, I was I had just, I was a Reiki Master. But I’ve since added biofield tuning, which uses tuning forks and addresses our energy field that’s outside our body and I’ve added stuff to my energy healing work too. And, and so when you speak to that stuff, I get really excited because
Quandell Wright 23:17
Because it’s real. Yeah. It’s real is real for anybody that’s listening, please. I know. Dr. Joe Dispenza. Dispenza Yep. The guy’s top tier. The becoming supernatural was like my favorite book. It’s very deep, get chills reading it, real testimonies. And he showed his show you how to channel your energy and chuck is just so deep he is. He is a great guy. I would love to go one of his his workshops. I’m trying to get the money because it’s expensive, but it’s very, very worth it. I really want to go but I mean, the guy’s amazing. Just kind of follow him on Instagram and seeing the work that he put in he he’s definitely like a great, a great person, I can tell that but please anybody that’s like really interested in becoming more spiritual. Please check him out. Dr. Joe Dispenza is a great great, a great author, great doctor, like he’s, he’s phenomenal. Like, I recommend that book to anybody that’s going through and you don’t even have to be a spiritual, you know, Christian or whatever. Religion is still a great read because we all have to, we all have energy, we all have aura, so is very great. It’s not about religion, or anything like that. It’s really about self. So it’s really a great book is really a great read.
Victoria Volk 24:38
And for anyone who doesn’t know Dr. Joe Dispenza was actually told he would never walk again after he broke his back during a bicycling accident. And with the power of his own mind and his own thoughts, he helped to heal himself. Yeah. And so that’s what his work is based on. He’s actually doing a lot of research at his During his workshops, is week long workshops, he’s conducting research on meditation and how long to meditate and, you know, like, they’re doing research right now during their workshops. And so
Quandell Wright 25:14
Just check into that. Make sure
Victoria Volk 25:20
I saw you was going to be in Tulum, Mexico, I actually just got his workshop notification for Tulum, Mexico, but you’ll get there. I’ve no doubt you’ll get there. Put that forward.
Quandell Wright 25:31
Yeah, we definitely have to go. I think that’s, that’d be a great experiment is well, like, I love his book, I listened to the YouTube minute, you know, the meditations that he had the guidance, great guy, great guy. But yeah, we all make a human. If we tap in, we can heal ourselves. We can. The testimonies in that book are phenomenal. I mean, people heal on a cell from cancer, I mean, Zima, like, whatever, they really just happening with their inner self, their higher self, and really like figuring out the body, the body already held us up automatically, when we really, really tap into it, you can really get some stuff done. Ms. V is right, he did heal his self, he discharges. So from the hospital, he hid this stuff at home. So he’s amazing.
Victoria Volk 26:19
Speaking of good deeds, which you mentioned earlier, I’m curious myself, but at the time when we first started talking, you are inviting young men into your home. Yeah, almost a weekly basis just for moms, giving them a space that you could create community and have a safe space for them to talk about their feelings. Yeah, and all of that, or is that something you have come back to? Are you still doing that? Is it something you want to do? Again?
Quandell Wright 26:50
Yeah, yeah, I want to do it. Again, I’m trying to make it a nonprofit organization. And it’s actually called us, us men. So it’s on Instagram is us_mensociety. I don’t have a lot of push right now. Because my brand is like going crazy. But I am trying to, like, get back into that. And that was a really, really dope experience. Like, it wasn’t really like, I didn’t have it to where it was like a, like AAA meetings or anything like that, you know, we had the TV go on video games at FIU. It was just no phones, some beers. And we thought it would just regular conversation. And people share stories, you know, and I always say, like, you don’t have to share the deepest, we’re not here for that. We just really want people to feel like this is a safe space, even if you don’t say none that all along because you know, it feel like real good energy around you. And it’s people that you can talk to whenever you want to, you know, that’s more than enough. And people really, like it’s a lot of men out here that have to heal, like we don’t know where to go, there’s no know where to start. So I want to start it back up, for sure. I will love like, I would love to like rent out spaces or to have a bigger, you know, bigger space and have more men come and we could just converse and just talk about our feelings and testimonies or whatever the case might be for that, you know, so yeah, please call us man, I will be like, selling T shirts and all that, you know, selling to raise money. So we can so I can be able to have resources and brain resources to them as well. Because I know it’s not a lot of programs for men out here, or mental health, for that matter for anybody. Because everybody think medicine fix everything is not, you know, medicine don’t fix everything. It’s just a band aid. But we really need some like internal healing, you know, and sometimes it might just take a hug or like, No, I do care for you. You are enough. You know, you want to be okay, I’m here for you. That can be the cure. Some people have people out here who don’t care about the more they feel that way. But they need to hear that sometimes. And you don’t take the time to actually do that with people. So yeah, I just thought about all types are like great ideas like that for mental health for men and for everybody, for that matter. But um, yeah, I feel like a lot of men black and white man, he actually has, we have I believe you have the highest suicide rate right now as well. So, yeah, a lot of man feel feel alone, you know, because there’s so much teittleman in, like, man supposed to do this. And man, you know, we get that a lot, a lot a lot. And it’s like, Yo, I’m human, I just want to just be human for a day. You know, like, you know, like, what’s going on? Like, why we just watch us all the time. Like, can I just be I’d be pampered for once can I be a human today? Can I you know, I’m sad because I have feelings too. I do love I do care. You know, and I want people to do that for me, like love me and care for me as well. So, you know, to the men out there like there are a safe space. There are people that you can contact and talk to all the time and you’re not forgotten. You’re not You’re not overlooked. You know, it’s just society. Just got things twisted up, we’re gonna fix that we’re gonna figure it out.
Victoria Volk 30:04
And for anyone listening, men, white, black, whatever ethnicity you are. Q is obviously a wonderful inspiration. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for sharing about that in the work that you are hoping to do and hope to bring to your community. And yeah, just I love you. I love you. I love you.
Quandell Wright 30:27
I love you too. Happy. Yeah.
Victoria Volk 30:30
So looking forward to this conversation with you. Let me ask you this. And I’m biased, of course, because I’m love Grief Recovery. And I know that how it’s changed many people’s lives. But had you never done that? Have you ever thought about that, like, in the last two years? Like had you never experienced that or learned what you learned through that? The new tools and the new knowledge? Yeah. Have you ever reflected on that? Like, had you not had that experience?
Quandell Wright 31:00
Of course, of course. Um, yeah, it was definitely a huge impact for like, for where I’m at now. And I tell people about you all the time, you know, so I don’t know. Because so I thought I thought I was better, Dan, you know, because I come from a dark place before that time. And I’m like, I’m back here again. You know, it’s something I’m missing. But I just had to just, I had to realize, like, his life is life, like, you don’t matter, like how better we get life happens. And whatever that is, it just, it just happens. It just, I don’t know, a person that just went through life and nothing happened, like negative like, you know, it just doesn’t work that way. But the tools that you had gave me, it quit, you know, helped me quit was, is I still use to this day, like, because it’s true. And it’s real and been able to like, look at different light, just like Dr. Joe, you know, just been able to research and find people like him. And it’s another guy. He’s an artist, his name is line jurrell. He’s an artist. He’s like, so positive rap artists. And he’s very, very, very good. I’m gonna share some stuff with you. He have like, meditation, a playlist, like a meditation, like pay playlists, like from it’s a meditation for each for each chakra.
Victoria Volk 32:18
Chakra okay, yeah, I would love that.
Quandell Wright 32:21
And his music is beautiful. And I’m like, see, this is the music that needs to be on the radio positive energy, this is the music that need to be in your subconscious mind on a daily basis. So, you know, so without, without you definitely I would have it would have been worse for me for sure. And I really do appreciate you all, you know, for giving me your time and really taking the time to listen and really did a great assessment, you know, because anybody can just hear you. But everybody don’t listen to you. And that’s just that’s a difference. And you really didn’t listen to me. Give me a lot of tools. I still kind of journal to this day here and there. And that works. You know it do it works. Rip it up. Boom. You know, I know I was listening to Oh, Lon jurrell He was like, everything that’s making you feel upset or angry the press just think of it, like a balloon or a glass cup and just break it like release it mentally, like release it and you have to and we get some points. I still go through things I still get upset. I still you’re supposed to you’re human. That’s I know that I’m still alive. Like if you’re walking around here, like do I’m happy every day like nothing happened. Like no, no, it’s okay to be upset. It’s okay to be mad. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be. It’s okay. But don’t live there. Don’t live there. Brief. If you could come up with a solution. Try it’s okay to try to make turn things in try to see like, Okay, let me see if I can control the ball. We all try this. Try it. But the ball is this if it’s this, if it’s just too strong and it’s just a you know that you lose it. It’s okay. More bulls account for you to control more. It’s okay. Just let that one go. It’s alright, you fail that one. You got beat up cool. You didn’t die. So you got another chance we could figure it out. It might take weeks but we have figured it out. So I appreciate you a lot. I do. And I do tell people about you all the time. So this is this is great. And I’m I be able to share this and people are like oh, that’s what he was talking about. My yes follower. Your program. You know, I’m saying like sign up for programs and stuff like that because you are a very, very important person to the community. You know, to the cultures, different cultures and things like that. And people need to hear this because Grief Recovery that’s not been talked about a lot still to this day. People might try to get you to do your We’ll go meditation and that’s fine. But how do you agree? How do you agree? You know, and they don’t know how they don’t know. Some people I don’t, I don’t care too, I’ll just move on, like you came. That’s just pain that just another, it’s like, it’s like another arrow in your back. You just, you’re gonna carry that around like Nah, man, just take that arrow out and just gotta fix it. You gotta grieve, you gotta let go. So thank you for that for them tubes and everything for it. And helping my kids. Yeah, helping my kids and my teenagers. I let them express themselves, and I’ll be honest, I’m like, hey, look, if you got to cuss a little bit, don’t get crazy. But express yourself because I want them to know, like, I’m your parent. And I’m your friend to because you can be both, you know, just know your boundaries. But I want you to tell me how you feel. I want to hear everything. You know, I’m saying I want to understand you I want to know how I can help you. So I do, you know, say I do allow that to let them express I do let them you know do things like that. And that helps. It helps. Yeah, they write their own notes and stuff like that. And I got the little one she listened to affirmation for kids on YouTube every morning. Yeah, she just she so she the happy person. She don’t She’s sick. So she I love myself. I only know I only love me. I love Oh, oh, okay, your love. Okay, you take any real deep Yes, you know I only love but does she know her were so that’s that’s good. And I love when she do that. And even when we walk to school as you I love myself I’m brave and beautiful and smart. And just telling my kids that you are you are in control of your day. So when you get up you structure your day because the moment you don’t do that and you walk out this door and somebody say something to you now your structure is all over the place. You’re not who you need to be that day. No, you get up and looking at mirror like hey, look, you don’t want I love you You look good. You look handsome. You look beautiful. You cute you file again, this is I’m gonna one I’m gonna be this I’m not a you don’t think when you leave the door you are you like this and anything that’s negative that’s trying to break through that barrier, it’s gonna be hard to because you already solidify your your worth, you know who you are. So anybody say something negative. Okay, cool. You think that I know who I am. I’m good. Just don’t touch me. But we good you know his hand like, have a great day understand you. Because we don’t have to battle with everybody. Some people and I ain’t worth it. They don’t even understand their worth. They don’t know what’s going on all they didn’t structure their day, they upset they energy everywhere. Let them be that get away from the situation and still carry on with your day because people are going to think what they want. People want to say what they want. But as long as you know who you are and what your purpose is, and you walk in that purpose. You will be just fine no matter what. And I’ll tell people as I said, I just want to be happy no matter what and people say that but you have to understand this when you say I want to be happy no matter what that means you have to be happy during divorce, separation, losing someone somebody firing you if the kids is you know, especially for moms and stuff like kids you know, no home and audit things get crazy bills, you have to be careful what you ask for because things happen. Keep your structure keep your energy is one to be okay. You will figure it out and some things are meant to happen let it happen. The unknown is not as scary as you think. You know, we learn in it because we so we so comfortable with okay, everything this is nice and soon as some get dark and we’re gonna hold on I don’t like change. Things are changing. I don’t like that. I don’t like how we don’t like that, you know? But it’s okay. It’s okay. So thank you for for teaching me that. And thank you, you know for like sticking it out with me and still being accessible today. I just been like crazy busy. And I definitely still want to send you a handbag. But you’re on my list. Yeah, yeah. But I just been crazy busy. I’m just everywhere. I’ve been like California back and you know, I’m just like this. But yeah, yeah, I do appreciate you a lot.
Victoria Volk 39:18
And I love hearing the ripples of that work that you did. It’s an it continues and that to us? Yeah, just like there’s ripples in grief. There’s ripples and healing, too. So thanks. Thank you for sharing.
Quandell Wright 39:33
Yeah, we human. It’s okay.
Victoria Volk 39:34
I could seriously be your future TED talk.
Quandell Wright 39:38
I know. Right.
Victoria Volk 39:40
Thank you for that riff. I absolutely love it. Yeah,
Quandell Wright 39:43
Yeah. You definitely belong on TED talk. I can’t wait.
Victoria Volk 39:46
Tell you. That whole that whole riff you just did. Yeah,
Quandell Wright 39:50
I’m actually done. I’m actually doing I had a I had a meeting with the Detroit Pistons so I am doing a charity basketball game July. We live from two to 5:30pm at the Detroit Pistons practice facility, that’s somewhere like MIG tau, I would love to see you every station, if you would like to come, I can send you like a pass or something like that. I’m, I’m doing like a panel, I’m doing a panel from like three to four. And then we joined the basketball game. So I want to race. This is actually though this might actually work out. So I’ve been looking for someone that practices like that, you know, that’s in the mental health field that actually put in the work to actually help people. So my minimum, I’m trying to donate $500 to that organization, and $500 or organization for, for stop for stop the violence type of you know, program. So I do have that. I do love what you are doing. Um, so if we can somehow like donate that money to you. So you can carry on with what you’re doing? I would love to do that. So
Victoria Volk 41:04
You could actually sponsor someone for a Grief Recovery Program?
Quandell Wright 41:09
Yeah, that would be cool. That’d be cool. But I would love to donate that money to you. So you can continue your practice in what you’re doing. Because you’re like, so, so helpful. And we were sitting here and I’m like, I don’t know anyone would and how I was thinking about it. I’m like, Who is? Where are the nonprofit organization like mental health by organizations, I couldn’t think of none. And I was just like, You know what, we have figured it out. So I’m talking to you. And it’s exactly what you do, like you actually put in the work, you actually help people. So if we can raise the $500, I would love to give that check to you. And you can use that money to get books, or just maybe that might pay for somebody section, or whatever the case might be. I would love to donate to you. So we do we got a pitch deck, I think it should be completed today. You can send me your logo, we can put it in a pitch deck and your information. Let me see information like your company, when it started, what you do, we put into a pitch deck. And if you have like a paper or whatever it might be, we could put that in there too. So people could donate throughout the last the next couple of months. You know when we send the pitch deck out, and we will send you the pitch deck today. So you can send out to share it. Yeah, you can share it, and people could donate to you or whatever. And then we raised the money. Hopefully we do. But we raised the money. And we can give you you know, we can give me a check to you on top of whatever you got for your donations. We don’t have nothing to do with that. But I would just love to help you out with your journey as well. Because you helped me out a lot. So yeah, that’ll work. Yeah, so July 11. If you can’t come, it’d be great.
Victoria Volk 42:57
It would be amazing.
Quandell Wright 42:59
It’d be beautiful for you to come. I sent you two passes. Have you wanted to kids or someone? I would love to come and check it out. Have a great time. You definitely can. And we can show you around Detroit, you kind of get you know, yeah. Yeah. Beautiful downtown is beautiful. Like Dan Gilbert, just, he just reinvented everything. He just took over everything and made it beautiful. So
Victoria Volk 43:20
For me, it’s nice.
Quandell Wright 43:23
It’s nice. So yeah, definitely keep in touch. And I do have assistant and she is like very, very great. Because I respond very late because I got 1000 People call me inbox me and they want stuff so but I do have a great assistant. So I’ll definitely give you her information and you if whatever link that you have like your pay pal, if you GoFundMe, whatever link you want to create the center with a bio we want to start promoting on Instagram so people could donate to you and your work and we still want to you know, write you a check on top of whatever you earn so they can help you out. So it was well.
Victoria Volk 44:00
You’re amazing. And all the way.
Quandell Wright 44:02
You’re amazing. You’re amazing. Yeah,
Victoria Volk 44:06
I’m so glad we reconnected again and that you are my first Where are they now episode and I saw something in you back in October 2020 I saw something in you and I was spot on. I was spying on you. So thank you. That’s awesome to see you thrive. So thank you for sharing your time with me today. Is there anything else you would like to share?
Quandell Wright 44:29
Just be you be us everybody that’s listening is willing to be watching us be you love you care for you. You know learn you learn who you are walking your purpose and brief and it’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay, so we’re going to be fine. Yeah, we’re gonna be fine. So
Victoria Volk 44:49
Beautiful. Message. Thank you so much. Thank you. I will put all the links to how people can reach out to you how you prefer they reach out to you Okay, in the shownotes and where can people find you now? Social media and stuff?
Quandell Wright 45:05
Oh, yeah that’s the ground. The QX William Palmer. Facebook Quandell H Wright For Name, Email. That’s as long but it’s cute right at yeah [email protected]. So people can email me there find me on Facebook Quandell H Wright, W R I G H T or Instagram to QX William Palmer. So, I do look at my DMs I do take a day and be like, Okay, let me see what’s going on. So I do it. I do respond to people and people get very, very excited. And I’d be like, okay, hold on. I’m just a regular person. But they but you responded to me. Oh my god. So it’s, it’s nice. I love that though. I really do. I love making people really, really happy. And that’s really cool. I love it. The sweet.
Victoria Volk 45:54
Humble Q. Yeah, Humble Q. I love it. So I will put the links for all that in the show notes. And in the meantime, remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Educational, Grief Tips, Growth, Mental Health, Mind/Body Wellness, Pespective, Resources |
If you are struggling with anxiety, depression, grief, or another mental health challenge, it might be appropriate to seek the support of a therapist.
You don’t always have to be going through something to get therapy. There are a plethora of benefits to seeking therapy. However, therapy can allow you to open up about it and speak to someone when you are struggling. Ignoring or repressing your emotions is unhealthy and often leads to unhealthy behaviors. The sooner problem areas are addressed, the sooner one can pivot, make necessary changes, and gain positive momentum.
Seeking therapy will help you in the short term by providing someone to air your problems with while gaining valuable insights and tools to help you manage your emotions and struggles. And usually, but not always, family and those closest to you, aren’t the best options because they are too close; they have “skin in your game.” Meaning, that if you realize that you need to make necessary changes in your life, it is likely those changes may have an impact on friends and family, too. And change, by human nature, isn’t something we’re always comfortable with within our lives. By using discernment in who you choose to be your “heart with ears,” you will likely find yourself more open and honest.
Therapy will also help you in the long run, as issues often persist over time. As you develop tools to deal with your struggles, you will learn how to utilize them in everyday life and properly deal with any other curve balls thrown your way. Information and tools are great, but if you’re not integrating them into your life and taking action, information is just information. A therapist can assist you in maintaining an onward and upward momentum toward the life you desire.
We don’t get to the place in our lives where we finally seek help overnight. Therefore, we can’t expect one session to take away all the pain and hurt. Accountability with a trusted therapist is a wonderful investment in you and your future.
All this to say, therapy can only be as effective as it can be if the therapist possesses the qualities that align with you and make a great therapist. Your therapist needs the qualifications and experience to help you with your struggles and the compassion and listening skills to make you feel comfortable enough to open up. But also important is that they bring comfort to the room and you.
A therapist who is burned out will not be the best match because they are bringing that energy to you and your life, too. And, if they’ve managed to compartmentalize the problems in their own life and aren’t addressing their struggles with therapy themselves (if needed) and self-care, then you’re not receiving the best therapy possible either. This is often not talked about, but I think it’s important. In doing the work I do with grievers, either in a counseling-like session or in energy healing, I have become keenly aware of my mental health, self-care, and the importance of managing my energy. If I’m not tending to my needs first, I am no good to anyone else.
Five Qualities to Look for in a Therapist
Here are some top qualities you should look for if you are looking for a therapist.
#1 Qualifications
You must hire a therapist who has the qualifications to be able to work with you. Therapy deals with sensitive issues, so you want to make sure you are in safe and capable hands. Therapy is supposed to help you, not make you feel worse. Don’t be afraid to ask for your therapist’s qualifications and skills; check that they are a regulatory body member.
As an Advanced Certified Grief Recovery Specialist, I have been trained and certified to work with individuals (and groups) both online and in-person in the area of grief specifically. People are surprised to learn that traditional textbook study programs do not prioritize grief. It’s not studied much at all. So many therapeutic studies, from my understanding, focus on everything but grief. This is great if you are looking for a diagnosis that will end up in a prescription. However, if you are depressed, it’s likely because, as a child, your anger was repressed. And, in grief recovery, you learn how anger is important and a valid emotion that needs to be honored and expressed.
#2 Specialism
If you are struggling with something like drug or alcohol addiction, it can be helpful to find a therapist specializing in this area, for example, Pathways Real Life Recovery. This approach is because a specialist will have skills beyond a typical therapist and invest time and money into learning more about your particular issue. A specialist can help you develop and progress in therapy and tailor the sessions to your needs.
This also applies to grief. If you know that the emotional pain and suffering you’re experiencing is due to grief, that’s where someone like me can offer an evidence-based approach to address it and not with years of talk therapy. Rather, in 8-12 sessions (depending if you choose to work with me one-on-one or in a group), you will have addressed the most painful relationship(s) of your life.
#3 Good Listening Skills
Listening skills are key when it comes to finding a good therapist. When you speak to a friend or family member, you may find that they have something to say or provide unsolicited advice. And, advice, I might add, is based on what they value.
A good therapist will not try to tell you what to do. Instead, they should have been trained to listen to what you have to say carefully and reflect and paraphrase what you have said back to them. They should strive to understand what you are saying, ask you plenty of good questions to deepen their understanding, help you see what you are going through from a different perspective, and help you draw your conclusions. A good therapist can also hear the things you don’t say, connecting the dots that, for most of us, are difficult to see ourselves.
We are so deeply tied to our stories, and by the time we get to the point where we seek therapy, we have likely repeated our story more than a hundred times. Or, perhaps have never spoken it before because there wasn’t anyone with which we felt safe to do so.
A “heart with ears” will never criticize, analyze, or judge. If you feel this way leaving a session, they are not the therapist for you (and probably shouldn’t be practicing).
#4 Passion for Helping Others
The role of a therapist is to help a person struggling with something. Most people will enter the profession because they have a passion for helping others, and this should be obvious during the sessions as they work with you to resolve your issue. You will be able to tell straight away if they lack the passion or enthusiasm to help you, as you will find it difficult to open up to them, you won’t be able to relax, and you will be able to sense it.
When a therapist is burned out, that passion will also dwindle. This is where it’s important to listen to your body’s cues. Your body may tense up. You may make yourself small in your seat rather than opening your shoulders and sitting straight. There might be physical symptoms; headache, upset stomach, and emotional shifts. These body cues may also respond to what is being discussed or fear of discussing difficult topics, too, so it’s important to discern between what is a response to the therapist and the topics of discussion.
It’s best to pay close attention at your initial meeting; before any parts of your story come up and feel into the vibe of the therapist. If you feel a sense of support, comfort, and openness, you may have found a great therapist for you.
#5 Reliable
Therapy is an ongoing thing. It is not something you do once, and you are fixed. This is why it is important to find a reliable therapist. A reliable therapist is an important part of your journey, as you need to be able to work with someone long enough to trust them, and you need to work with someone consistently to make progress on the things you are struggling with. If you work with a therapist who doesn’t feel fulfilled in their work, they may suddenly become disengaged in conversation, be difficult to reach, or lack empathy in their approach, their reliability will show itself.
Finding a good therapist is vital if you want to progress in your life. Follow these top tips to help you find a therapist with the right qualities. And, if you know that grief is holding you back, please reach out to me; I am here to support you – you are not alone.
P.S. I will announce an online group program soon, at this writing (Sept. 2022). If you’d like to be kept “in the know,” you may find it helpful to join my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters. My newsletter is where I share personal aspects of my life, content not shared anywhere else, and business news. If you know you’re ready to move forward and get beyond the emotional pain of grief (due to any of the 40+ losses), click the link to learn more about my one-on-one program, Do Grief Differently™️.
Childhood Grief, Emotions, Grieving Voices Guest, Grieving Voices Podcast, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness, Pespective, Podcast |
Maha Bodhi | A Quest for Inner-Peace & Freedom
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Were you born and raised in the land of the free and home of the brave, the United States of America?
This week’s episode reminds me that oppression and enslavement are not only in Yemen, where this week’s guest was born but also in the free world. It just looks different from what Maha experienced.
Ironically, Maha fled Yemen, where she experienced oppression, enslavement, arranged marriage twice that included violence and rape, and two civil wars in search of a better (more free) life in America. A life where she could purchase a dress for the first time and make everyday decisions for herself without her father’s dictatorship and abuse from her mother.
This episode begs the question: Where is freedom truly found; is it a state of mind? Or is it simply where your feet touch the ground?
It depends on who you ask. Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl said: “It is not freedom from conditions, but it is the freedom to take a stand toward the conditions.”
Maha took a stand against her conditions. And we all have that power to do so, particularly within the confines of our minds.
Follow Maha’s journey from oppression to freedom when she became a U.S. citizen in 2018. Today, she truly is an unleashed heart, sharing her gifts, wisdom, and experience with all who are open to receiving her message.
There’s a story behind her name. Listen to learn the depth of her name and, more importantly, what it has meant to her as she’s reinvented herself as a free Maha.
The degree of your surrender is the degree of your success. – Maha Bodhi
RESOURCES:
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If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief, free resources are available HERE.
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
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CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk 0:00
Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. Today my guest is Mahabodhi. And after surviving a brutal upbringing of being enslaved as a female in Yemen, forced into an arranged marriage twice, surviving multiple death threatening situations, and two civil wars before arriving in the US, Maha found her freedom and true self through the practice of ancient Yogic and modern neuroplasticity techniques. She is a living example of the hero’s journey and is dedicating her entire life to spread the transformational texts techniques that have saved her life. Thank you so much for being Yoona.
Maha Bodhi 0:41
Thank you for having me, Victoria, thank you so much. It’s an honor to be here.
Victoria Volk 0:45
And I initially met, I had gone to a Women’s Business Summit, and you were one of the presenters. And you had shared your story, and I was just captivated by your story. And I thought, Gosh, I need to have her on the podcast. And here we are.
Maha Bodhi 1:00
Yes, here we are. Yes, thank you for having me. I, it was so just so refreshing to see you in that summit, and to see all the incredible women and the incredible work that that organization is doing, you know, I was just really impressed.
Victoria Volk 1:17
And so you tour the country, and go all over speaking and things like that. But that wasn’t always your life. And I imagine what shaped your life in the work that you’re doing today has been your life experience? And can you take us back in time?
Maha Bodhi 1:34
Absolutely. Like you mentioned Victoria, in your intro, I did come from a very kind of traumatic background, my both of my parents are from Yemen. And it’s a very poor and undeveloped country, you know, 50% of the population and lives below the line of poverty. You know, they don’t even most people don’t even have access to clean water or basic human necessities, any sort of appropriate health care. And women are treated very, very poorly in terms of their goal, the purpose of a female really in that country is to serve her husband and, and a man is allowed to have up to four wives. They call them like Sister Wives and they all live in the same house. And arranged marriage is very common in that region. And not only nemenhah Multiple Muslim countries, and even till this day, it’s still practice that arranged marriage were really the kind of your parents, mostly the father, it’s the male dominant culture, the father owns the daughter, and then potential husband will come and propose and it’s kind of like a business deal. They shake hands. And there’s a dowry involved a lot of money that the potential husband pays the father and then the father hands off the female, his daughter or to the new husband. In most cases, they don’t even ask the woman permission, if you call her consent, if she wants to marry this man, you know, they show her a photo and this is who you’re gonna marry, and they meet for the first time in their wedding night. And so a similar, you know, scenario happened to me not once, but twice. And it was very traumatic, you know, one of the husbands was very violent and tried to kill me. And because I came from a very unstable family I also there was abuse in my home. So we the whole country of Yemen is a very, there’s a lot of turmoil, there’s a lot of civil wars, there’s Tribal Wars, there’s international wars, there’s like five different wars going on at the same time. And, and in addition to that, there was violence inside of our home, my mother was extremely violent physically, verbally, you name it. And so I was used to violence and it was kind of my normal. And so when I married the especially the second husband, and I was forced into that marriage, and he was violent, and he was trying to kill me in a machine gun in my head and a sword in my throat and these like dramatic scenarios that you only see in you know, Hollywood movies. And for me, I you know, it wasn’t that extreme, because I was like, Okay, do I go back home and, you know, somebody’s gonna kill me there. Do I stay here and die here. So those were kind of were my options. So it was a very extreme, extreme situation. But in that moment, when you’re in it, it’s now that I look back now that I’m here and I’m safe, and I’ve healed and I’ve matured, I look back and it literally feels like it happened to somebody else that feels like a movie. What I went through and I don’t like the human spirit is just so incredible and so resilient and and I look at myself and like wow, how did I survive that you know, and, and still move on and still come here. And you know, it’s a long story. My father was a diplomat. So we there that was kind of my key my window to freedom because because of his job as a diplomat official, his job required him to travel and to move Every four years to a different country, so we would kind of go back and forth. I was born in Russia, and we lived in Rome in Italy. That was my upbringing. And we lived here in Washington, DC, and my father worked for the embassy there for four years. And so kind of had a taste of what life outside of Yemen looks like. And that’s why I kind of, I knew inside of me that there’s another way, there’s another way of living.
Maha Bodhi 5:26
And, you know, eventually my father had to retire, I went to school in Romania, and I decided to, he was supposed to retire. And the last station that he was as a deployment was in Bucharest, Romania, and I knew that this was, if I go back to Yemen for good, you know, I will die, either somebody will kill me or I will kill myself. And so I decided to start applying for graduate school here in the United States, I saw some of my Romanian classmates do that. And it was like, A ha, that’s my key to freedom. And I just started applying, and I got accepted. And, you know, it was truly nothing short of a miracle. That, you know, I had convinced my dad to let me go to come here and get my master’s degree in organizational behavior, you know, really used school as an excuse, and, and he was able to let me go, and I came here, and I knew, you know, the moment I landed, the moment I stepped on American soil, was the first time in my life that I was free that, you know, I didn’t have to answer to anybody, I didn’t have a curfew, and I was in my 20s. And as like, no one’s calling me, no one is looking over my shoulder, I can go wherever I want, I can wear whatever I want. And that’s kind of where my healing journey began.
Victoria Volk 6:43
Hard to believe that, that still happens, or is still happening to people to women. And I can’t imagine the person that you’ve become right like, how, what did that look like for you? What did that healing look like? And also, I’m also curious, how old were you when you were first? Sold for marriage? Like, what is the typical age?
Maha Bodhi 7:06
Yeah. So you know, I was 19 my first arranged marriage, but Truly Victorian, mentally, I would say I was 10 years old, because of the lack of education, the lack of exposure, the lack of maturity, there’s there was zero sexual education, I did not know what sex was or how it works, or what a man and a husband doing the bedroom. And so I literally was a child in my head, even though I was 19, I was so scared and terrified, all they told us, it’s gonna hurt a little bit, but then it’s gonna be okay. And eventually, you’re gonna love him, and you know, just have kids right away, and especially have a boy because that will increase your value. And literally, that was all the sex education that I got. And so I was terrified. And also, I’m with a stranger all of a sudden, and there’s a complete, like, segregation between the sexes, in that culture, men and women do not socialize whatsoever. You know, they cover up the woman from head to toe, and then all of a sudden, on your wedding day, here you go, this is your husband, you know, go and be intimate with Him. And it was it was just like, insane. And so that was that was that was a lot. And then it was two years apart between my first thing so literally, the first arrangement, I only saved 30 days, and I was playing hide and go seek with this man. For those 30 days, I was sleeping most of the nights in the bathroom floor locking myself, you know, because I did not want to have sex with him. And I never did. I just hid in the bathroom for 30 days. And then eventually I ran back to my parents house. And then they locked me up because now I brought shame to the family because that’s so taboo in that culture and, and I attained like the whole family reputation. And, and that was this. I was locked up for one year, and there was a negotiations of the divorce, they were trying to bully me back into the marriage. And I really was fierce, you know, now looking back, I was standing up to the most powerful men and a corrupt country, you know, that man that I married, his father was the prime minister of our country, and, you know, in that kind of corrupt environment, and I was saying no to those men, I’m like, I’m not going back. I don’t know where I had that ferocity from, and I and so they locked me up in my parents house, literally solitary confinement, and for one year, I could not even see my own sisters that lived in the same house with me. At one point, I remember I opened the door to go to the bathroom and I see my little sister. And last time I saw her she was crawling. She couldn’t even walk yet. And now she was like, bouncing around and walking. She’s grown and I didn’t even recognize her and we live in the same house. And so I was losing my mind and I was literally starting to hear voices in my head and And then after the divorce was finalized, it took a year, they forced me into an a second arranged marriage, like right into it. And at that point, I was so desperate that I thought, okay, maybe it’s better, you know, to get out of this, you know, jail that I’m in, and maybe maybe this guy will love me and be kind to me, and I’ll have a better life than I’m having right now. And so I was kind of optimistic about this one. And he ended up being extremely violent, he was the one with the machine guns and the swords and locking me up. And, and that was where sexual abuse came in. And he because I just tried to do the same thing that I did with my first husband and avoid, you know, sexual relations with him, and he wouldn’t have it. So he was forcing himself on me and was pretty much right. You know, even though we, you know, we were married, if you will, but I wasn’t, you know, I didn’t consent to this marriage. And then same thing, I stayed there, I stayed with him for 40 days, because, you know, I gave him 10 days more, because I was just so terrified of, you know, doing it twice. And but it really was death or life in the situation because of the, how violent he was. And I was like, you know, what, if I’m gonna die anyway, you know, just, I’m just gonna go back to my parents house and see what happens and, and that’s when my father, it’s interesting, I call this divine intervention, because my father was supposed to retire. He was at the end of his career traveling was over and we were in Yemen and, and all of a sudden, my dad gets one last final diplomatic mission to go on it to go to Romania in Bucharest, and, you know, be the ambassador of for our country in that in Romania. And my dad, just because the situation was out of control, my dad just grabbed me and he said, Come on, just I’m gonna go to Romania to come with me.
Maha Bodhi 11:52
And so that’s how I went to Romania. And I started going to college because I wasn’t doing anything. I wasn’t going to school. You know, I was just being bought and sold left and right. And locked up. And so I started going to school, I went to business school and things kind of slowly began to lighten up for me, I went to school. And then the final year when my father was this time, for real, he was supposed to retire. I applied for graduate school and came to the United States. And you asked me, what was this healing journey and you see me now, you know, doing the work that I do when touring the country, like you said, and I’m writing my memoir, and I’m leading yoga retreats, and I, you know, work with Fortune 105 100 corporations. It’s not overnight, you know, and I know our culture has this, like, quick fix this before and after picture. It’s not like that. It was a process. It was years and years of intense healing therapy, yoga, meditation, inward reflection, and a lot of self study. I came here you know, I had to figure out who is MMA outside of all that chaos. I never had a moment to know who I am. I never made one decision in my life up to that point I was 25 years old when I came to the United States and I never you know bought a dress or never, you know, get got to decide the you know where to go or what to eat. Or, you know, my bedroom. I remember we would like because we were traveling a lot like I can I choose my room like now you don’t get to choose your room. You don’t get to choose and everything is thought for you. Everything is decided for you. Even my hair cut even like the littlest thing, every decision was made for me. So here I am a grown women. Now I’m in the land of the free. Everything is supposed to be amazing, right? But no, because internally, I don’t know how to make the simplest decision. I don’t know how to process information. I don’t know how to behave like a grown woman. I remember I had to buy a mattress because right I just moved here. That’s the first thing you do you buy a mattress to sleep on. And I did not know how I’ve never had a bank account in my life. I did not know how to pay for the mattress. The cashier had to show me how to write a check. And he would tell me like paying the order right here, sign here, put the date here. And I was so proud of myself. When I did that. I thought I achieved something incredible. And I didn’t know how to put gas in my car, all these things. So I had to learn step by step by step and yoga played a big, big role in my healing. And it really changed my life. And that’s why now I’m so passionate about helping other people and sharing the techniques that helped me because they work if it worked for me, literally coming from under a rock. English is not even my first language. And now I’m doing what I do. I think anybody can do it. If you have Well, if you have the determination, and you put in the work, it is possible.
Victoria Volk 15:07
Wow, it was like you were a 25 year old infant, I’m sure. It felt like ways Yes. And really vulnerable to being manipulated and taken advantage of again. And so did you. Like where? How did you even know where to find support? As when you first came here? Like, how, what did that look like?
Maha Bodhi 15:29
You know, I was so excited. And so I fell in love with America and American culture. And because of when we were traveling with my father, one of our stops was in the United States was in Washington, DC. And we lived there for four years. And I started kindergarten there, and I studied up to third grade. And me and my sister was me and my older sister, were kinda like two years apart, we got hooked. It was our favorite country of all the countries that we lived in. And we just fell in love with America. And then when we had to move away, because, you know, my dad continued to travel, we were heartbroken. And we never got over it. It was like falling in love, and you never get over it. And so we would move to other countries. And we would watch, you know, American sitcom Saved by the Bell, full house, all these things. We were so immersed in American culture, and so kind of resisting. You know, we were in Saudi Arabia, and we were resisting that culture. Were like, no, America is like so much better. And so we always were dreaming of like, America was the dream. And so when I came here, it was literally like, I remember I called my sister, I just landed. And I was in San Francisco, and I called her I’m like, I’m in San Francisco. And she’s like, whoa, you did it. And she’s like, just live the dream live the dream for both of us, because she got arranged marriage, you know, and into that, you know, path and she already had two kids and, and so she was like, you know, just do it, do it for the both of us. And so what motivated me when you said, like, how did you feel I was so excited. I was literally living my dream. And I was like, I’m here. And anything is possible here. You know, all those restrictions and chains that I had, were gone. And I realized, now it’s up to me. Now, it’s, you know, me and me. All the excuses that I had are gone. So it’s up to me what I do with this freedom, what I do with this opportunity, and so I just, you know, saw, you know, therapy. That was number one, I would say number one was therapy. I knew I needed healing, I would have terror nightmares. You know, I suffered dramatically from PTSD. I mean, I didn’t even know I had PTSD, I would just have these nightmares. And so I went to therapy. And and it went from there. You know, therapy really, really helped me break down how your past, you know, is still showing up in your future and kind of shapes the lens of how you view your world and your life. Right. Dr. Gabor Mate said it. He’s an incredible physician and therapist in his holistic his work is incredible. But he says,
Maha Bodhi 18:04
Your mind shapes your world. But before that your world shaped your mind. And so that’s why you know, I talk a lot about manifestation and manifesting your best life and my work, but unable to tap into your innate power of manifestation become the creator of your life experience, you have to undo you have to unlearn you have to heal. What was done to you, especially if it was a negative thing, the old tape, the old limiting belief, all my life, I was told that I was unworthy, my mom would literally step on me, I’m like, in a fetal position when I was young, and she would put her foot on my back and tell me like, you are worthless, you are nothing, you know, and I’m being like, I’m not I’m trying not to be BullGuard, they’re on your podcast, but she would say a lot of more aggressive things than just that. And so those things shape your mind. And I carry that with me all my life that I am worthless, like, who’s gonna want to look at me who’s gonna want to hear me who’s gonna want to be my friend who’s going to give me a job, all these things, I carry those with me. And then they impact all the other, you know, areas of development in your life, your career, your finances, your relationships. And so therapy helped me kind of see that. But I felt like I plateaued. I reached a point where I just felt like I wasn’t progressing at the rate that I wanted to. And that’s when yoga kicked in, because I love therapy so much, but you’re only dealing with the intellect part of us. And there’s a whole other part that is the body that is not tapped into therapy, unless it’s a Holistic Therapist. But that’s where yoga really came in. What does it feel like to feel safe in your body? How does it feel in your belly? How does it feel in your heart? How does it feel in your legs? eggs. And so those things to embody to be in body to feel the qualities that you want to cultivate. And the beautiful news is that, you know, it’s possible you can cultivate those qualities just through your intentions. And being mindful. The brain is malleable, the brain is plastic, it’s a muscle just like any other muscle. And we know now through research through neuroplasticity, a lot of studies have been done in Harvard, at the Lazar lab, the impact and benefits of yoga and meditation and what it does to the physical structure of the brain, they take the brain and they scan it before and they scan it after, you know, an intensive yoga and meditation program. And they saw that you increase gray matter through these modalities and through these practices. And what does that mean, what is gray matter mean? You know, I’m a little nerdy, and I don’t want to confuse people. All that means is that you activate parts of the brain that correspond to hope, optimism, joy, and you just start to make different decisions, and you start to have a different view of life.
Victoria Volk 21:10
So much came up for me as I was listening to you and I, my eyes started to well up when you were talking about what you said, your sister had shared with you. And I just thought, oh my gosh, like you’re not only in a foreign country, or you were familiar with America, but you left your family, your grind everything behind that you knew solar’s I have a two part question. If you don’t mind going there. But did you ever think about changing your name? is Maha Bodhi your birth name, first of all? And then secondly, are you still in relationship with your family?
Maha Bodhi 21:46
I’m glad you asked that question, because a lot of people asked me that question. So my first name Ma is my given name. It’s a very common name in Middle Eastern countries and Arabic speaking countries. And it was, it means in Arabic, it translates into big, beautiful eyes. And that’s why my parents named me Maha. And so when I came fast forward to the United States, and I’m actually in my yoga teacher training, and it’s my first day of teacher training. And the teacher asked me, Can you introduce yourself to the group and I said, Hi, my name is Maha. And he said, Do you want to tell them what Maha means? And I said, Oh, it means the beautiful eyes. He’s like, yes, but in Sanskrit, it means the great. And I had no idea Victoria, that it meant that in Sanskrit, or it had a meaning in Sanskrit. And everybody looked at me, and they were like, Whoa, you were destined to be a yogi. And you know, it’s like Mahatma Gandhi or Maha Yoga, it’s a means the great. And so that was kind of one of those, you know, universal signs that I like, I feel like the universe gives us clues clues, clues like this is to nudge us in the right direction. And so that was the first thing. My last name was my family name, which is I’ll call it D. And I did change it when I became a US citizen. And so I became a US citizen in 2018. And I didn’t have any intention to change my name. And I was getting naturalized. And my immigration lawyer, she told me, I was filling up the form. And she said, click here, do you want to change your name, and I said, Oh, and she said, This is the easiest way to do it. Like the fastest and easiest way, just check that box and write whatever name you want. And I was like, I actually do want to change my last name, because I felt like I was a completely different person. I had just completed my yoga teacher training. And I became this Yogi and I, and you know, when you when, when you are expecting a baby, you have like nine months to figure out what you want your baby’s name to be, or some people even know that beforehand. They really thought it through. They did research. And I didn’t have time and it was like that moment. And I just like came to me just Bodi came to me. And Bodie means the enlightened ones. It’s the Bodhi tree where the Buddha sat under the tree and he became awakened. And I felt like I was at that moment, I was going through these journeys, and I was having these awakening experiences that were so so powerful, and I would share them with with my colleagues during Teacher Training. I like did you feel that did you and they’re like, What are you talking about? We didn’t feel any of these things that you’re talking about. And so I felt like I was having a unique experience. And so I literally just wrote down. Bodie, not honest, I like I said, I didn’t have a lot of time to think about it. And now so then my friend told me, she’s like, Oh, so now you are the great enlightened one. I’m like, Oh, my God. No, like that’s That sounds very egotistical. I don’t see myself that way. You know, I’m just a human and progress like everybody else. But you know, I think it called me the name kind of called me.
Victoria Volk 24:58
I’d actually looked your name up before Are ya Business Summit? Yeah, cuz I was curious of the, I figured there was some sort of meaning behind. Yeah. The other part of my question too was, Are you still in communication with your family?
Maha Bodhi 25:12
You know, unfortunately, no, I had to sacrifice that relationship and able to move forward in my life. It was very difficult. I slowly be transformed. You know, I call, I call myself there was Yemen Maha. And then there was American Maha, and then there was yo Hema. And the transitions were very extreme. And it was difficult for me, I would talk to my parents initially when I first moved to the United States, and I would call them and I would talk to my sisters and talk. And what I realized is that every time I spoke to them, I have to pretend that I’m still that old MA for them. And I had to really hide who I am. And it was painful. It felt like self betrayal. And, you know, also, it was reminding me of, you know, the past traumas. And I was on this healing journey. And so I realized that if I really, really want to heal and become my fullest expression of my fullest potential, that there’s a sacrifice that needs to be made. And I did. And it wasn’t easy, but I believe that it was it had it was necessary.
Victoria Volk 26:23
And that’s a part of grief that a lot of people resist is creating those boundaries. And yes, really being able to have the, to feel empowered enough to say, No, I need to walk away from this relationship. It’s not serving me.
Maha Bodhi 26:42
Yeah, absolutely. Wow.
Victoria Volk 26:45
So tell us about the work that you’re doing now. And your mission?
Maha Bodhi 26:51
Yeah, you know, when I came here, I just wanted to be an American, just like everybody else. So I’m like, Okay, what do Americans do Americans get a job and, you know, work in corporate America. And so that’s exactly what I did. And I just got a, you know, I studied, I got my master’s degree in organizational behavior. And after I graduated, I found a job. I worked in the headquarters here in Los Angeles for DirecTV. And I worked as a leadership development trainer and coach and I was delivering, like classroom style trainings. And I liked it, you know, I didn’t mind it. So I just, I kept going, and I kept doing what I was doing. But yoga was always my happy place. So I realized, like, after work, you know, I was still copying whatever American culture was doing. So after work, everybody goes to happy hour, everybody. And I liked that for a little bit. But then I realized that you know what, I’d actually rather go to yoga. After work. Instead of that happy hour, I feel better, I sleep better, I wake up better. And so yoga was always my happy place. And then I just kept going for years and years, until one day, I decided just to take it to the next level. And I was like, You know what, I’m gonna go to a yoga teacher training. And I signed up, and I thought it was gonna be a hobby. I thought I was going to teach a yoga class at the park on a Sunday. That was really my intention. But then the first day, Victoria promised to the first I stepped into that room, I knew I knew that I was in the right place, that I belonged, and that my life was going to change. And for the first time in my life, I felt understood, I felt that this is a language that I speak. And I just knew that this was what I was meant to do and who I was meant to be. I was never good at school. And I struggled a lot with, you know, academia. And when I was in yoga teacher training, I was the smartest girl in the training. And I never and it was so refreshing and surprising at the same time. Like when a teacher asks a question, I’m the one raising my hand, you know, I always say like, Monica from my friends, like, I know, I know. I’m, like, I’m that annoying student. And I never was that student, I started to realize that the other trainees were coming to me for advice, and were telling me oh, you’re the best one only you can do this, can you please teach me and it felt like I have something to offer the world I have value, like for the first time in my life, and it was very rewarding that I have something I can be of service to others, and I can help make a difference. And and I never looked back. And you know, I would I will say that I probably wouldn’t have the courage to completely quit my job and just become a yoga teacher. But what happened was, that’s another clue from the universe that I got certified. mid December, it was December 17. And then January 1, like two weeks later, I got certified I got my yoga teacher certification. And then two weeks later, I got a notice from my company that I’m being laid off. And the whole team is being laid off, not just me. They lay off a lot of people it’s part of their downside was a process. And it was just our time, you know? And everybody was crying for my team, what am I going to do? Oh my God, my job, you know, they have mortgages, they have an I was relieved and I knew I was like, I see you universe, I see what’s happening here, I know that you’re telling me to go this way. And I never shed a tear. I never was upset, I felt so light.
Maha Bodhi 30:24
And you know, they give you a severance and they I’m like, I I’m like, All right, I just took that severance. And I ran and I never looked back. And I started building my yoga business and building my work and, and it just unfolded. You know, I just started just teaching yoga and yoga studio in a classroom. And then because I had a huge corporate network, you know, for my corporate life, my friends were uh, what is this yoga you speak of? Like, what are you teaching? Can you come into our company and maybe talk about it and, and share it. And as you know, my my background, being the leadership development, training, trainer and holding, you know, that classroom type of training. So I kind of bridge those two worlds together. And I created my own formula, which is, you know, just from different schools of thought. So I combined the ancient wisdom, healing yogic techniques, with the corporate, you know, cutting edge best practices and efficiency and agility. With the science of neuroplasticity, I created my own formula, I call it the high performance mind. And now I you know, I go to corporations, and I deliver trainings, I do one on one coaching, and I do inspirational, speaking engagements, where you saw me at the Women Business Summit, where I just talk about my background, and my experience. So that’s kind of how it’s shaped. And it’s, you know, from from trauma from a very intense, you know, difficult situation. So that’s why I always say, you know, these traumatic experiences, they can break you down, or they can break you open. And it’s really up to you. It’s your decision, what you make of it, the poet Rumi said, The wound is where the light enters you. And so are you going to open to the learning, instead of slipping into victim and being Why did this happen to me, you know, which one is better, like, think about it for a moment?
Victoria Volk 32:16
Well, and you might be there for a time, and it’s exactly what you’re, you’re gonna sit with all of that and the overwhelm of it all, but not to stay there. And, you know, just wake up and just choose better for yourself.
Maha Bodhi 32:29
It’s just what you touched upon what we call in yoga, a spiritual bypass, we don’t want to bypass that trauma or that difficult experience, you actually want to hold space for it and be a container. So you’re not dismissing that pain or dismissing that part of you, that’s when we create disconnect, you actually want to integrate all parts of you that it all belongs the wounded part of you, and the and the the inner child, part of you, you know, and even the parts of you that you don’t really like, you know, maybe it’s anger or jealousy, or you know, that part of you also belong, and the loving part of you and the light part of you all of it. And once you become whole, and that’s really when you tap into your full power and you’re able to live your whole life.
Victoria Volk 33:15
Do you seem to draw people to your work that have experienced trauma? And is that a big part of your yoga practice today? Like, do you work one on one with a lot of trauma?
Maha Bodhi 33:27
You know, it’s interesting, I’m not a therapist. So I don’t think it’s my place to do that. But I do notice that people gravitate towards me that not just people who went through trauma, anybody who wants to reach their fullest potential and highest expression, you know, the dreamers, you know, the rebels, the people who want to follow the path of least resistance, which I call like, go with the flow, you want to be in alignment with yourself, you want what you feel is in aligned with what you say, and what you do show up as your best self. And so those are the kinds of people you’d like I said, I’m not a therapist, even though I understand trauma very well. And I see I can see it very clearly in people but I don’t have the skill set to walk somebody through it in depth, they probably will be better served by seeking a professional.
Victoria Volk 34:14
I know that you you did a piece in an HBO documentary, do you want to speak to that a little bit?
Maha Bodhi 34:15
You know, that was kind of part of it’s still in production. It’s not out there yet. But what happened is that I did one of my inspirational speaking engagements in Beverly Hills and they there was a lot of media there and you know, production companies follow me and there are females on there called CTV and they reached out to me and they said, We want to film your story and they’re doing the HBO documentary, which is every episode is focused on one story, and they came to me and we filmed it and I don’t know where it is right now. It’s kind of still in production.
Victoria Volk 34:54
Well, if it comes out before you know the your episode actually airs. I’ll put that in the show. Let’s but yeah, please keep me up to date on that. Yeah, great. And what’s next for you.
Maha Bodhi 35:04
You know, I’m just, you know, I’m continuing to evolve and grow. In my work, I’m leading international yoga retreats, which are tremendously transformational, because you kind of step away from the noise of your day to day life. And you know, a retreat is to retreat within. And so we are away from all of that, and you’re in a new environment, and we do yoga twice a day. And I really have seen people transform in front of my eyes. And it’s truly magical, if you if you’re willing and open to allow healing to occur to allow transformation to occur. And I always say like, the more you’re willing to surrender, the degree of your surrender is equal to the degree of your success. And so the more you resist, you know, the more you get stuck, you know, emotions are energy in motion, right? They’re designed to come pass through and let go. And it’s when we hold on, it’s when we resist. And when we grip, and we become identified by that story in that pain, that’s when we get stuck. And really yoga is Mo moving your body, you’re literally expanding your body or stretching yourself. Because when you are in pain, you contract the body, right, you physically contract the body, you can see it, you make a fist with your head, you close your ribs, you’re fidgeting, you’re tensing the body, so the energy is not able to flow freely in the body. And yoga is kind of a counter for that. So you’re stretching your body, you’re breathing through the practice. And so you’re kind of releasing that energy. Now the breath is flowing in your body, now the blood is flowing in your body. When you’re doing that downward facing dog, your head is lower than your heart. So you’re kind of reversing the blood flow, the effects of gravity. And what happens is literally you’re optimizing all the systems in the body, you’re optimizing your nervous system, you’re optimizing the blood flow, the bread we talked about in the brain, the heart, all these things. And then when you’re in that state of expansion, you liberated that energy because it takes so much energy to kind of be caught up in your stress and in your pain and in your story. And when you freed up that energy, literally, I talked about embodying and now you’re embodying freedom in your in your body, you can do so much with that liberated energy and use it in a very useful way that benefits you and really benefits everyone around you in the greatest good.
Victoria Volk 37:35
Love. Do you offer online classes?
Maha Bodhi 37:39
I do Insight Timer on Sundays. That’s a year Neoga de stress and deep stretch. That’s the That’s my online class. And I do the high performance mind, you know that my my leadership trainings, I do that with corporations, but I also offer free master classes on a monthly basis. So every month we meet, and I give them kind of like a snippet of the highperformance mind masterclass. It’s all on yogimaha.com.
Victoria Volk 38:05
Okay, I will put that link in the show notes too. But I kind of want to dip back into the serious stuff a little bit again. I’m curious because of your experience with the traumatic experience that you had with marriage and being in that environment of arranged marriage. And so how has that shaped and I know that you’re a completely different person now than you were then. And so I think sometimes what happens is, well, what I’ve seen even for me personally, and people I’ve worked with and through grief, once you have dealt with all that emotional stuff and the trauma, you are changed by it right for the positive and you seem to then attract more of the same to you. Yeah. And so how has because I imagine if I would have experienced something like that, I would have been very cynical about love, right? Like, so how has that shaped you today? And how you know, and love and marriage.
Maha Bodhi 39:04
It does shape and I just want to say that when you heal, it’s not that that is completely gone. It’s not like that it’s disappeared. It’s just that you learn how to like we said hold space for it. So it’s not kind of blurring your vision. It’s not dominating your decision mechanism. So it’s not leading the way so you kind of see it you observe it, it’s there. I see you I know you’re still there. But but it’s okay. Kind of like a little child but it’s okay, we got this we can do this together. So I think that’s what’s healing. It’s that integration, that sense of wholeness. I did struggle a lot with relationships, you know, I’m not gonna lie to Victoria. I struggled a lot with intimacy, love and relationships, especially when it comes to dating. There is this kind of like fear but, you know, I think if you have to choose between love and fear, I think when in doubt, always choose love and always open up to love you can Can’t go wrong with love.
Victoria Volk 40:01
There’s the show, I’ve been kind of watching just like my secret indulgence, if you will, you know, it’s like this not trashy TV, but reality TV. But it’s called Love is blind, and I just find the, the, it’s an experiment in love, but you, you don’t meet the people, you just talk. And you build this emotional connection before you ever see them. And it really highlights how superficial of a society we really are, when we’re looking at appearances. And you can’t you don’t make a decision on love based on on, you know, race or background or any of those things. It’s just purely an emotional connection. And so can you speak to that for someone who may be struggling to build that emotional connection with someone? That’s a good lead to, by the way?
Maha Bodhi 40:59
That’s a very interesting question. You know, it’s kind of what you mentioned, this show that they kind of connect on an emotional level before they see each other before on a physical level, which is kind of like the opposite of what’s happening with dating apps these days, dating apps is purely based on looks purely based on that snippet like swipe, swipe, swipe super fast make that decision, I do think that I personally am that kind of person. With the advice that I can, I’m the kind of person that I would like to connect more like, I’d like to know someone more, it’s easier to open up. Because if you have these trust issues, like that’s what I struggled with, it’s when you have that background, like similar to me, what happens is that you don’t trust people, because the people that were supposed to love you unconditionally violated that trust. And then as you grow as an adult, it’s really difficult for you to, to find that trust again. Especially, you know, with a complete stranger, you know, if my parents didn’t love me and take care of me, how is a stranger gonna love me and take care of me. So I better watch out, right? That’s the mindset for me, if that’s something you’re struggling with, probably the dating apps are not going to be beneficial to you, I would say friendships, you probably want to lean into it through a friendship through somebody, you know, doing what you love. So when you do what you love, and you follow your bliss, like Joseph Campbell said, you’re gonna put yourself in situations to be surrounded with like minded people, and you’re going to attract like minded people. And so you’re going to meet those people. And it could start off as no colleagues or you know, friendship, like I said, and you start to have conversation, I feel that creates a safe environment, to open up to somebody and be more trustful. And I know that’s a slower pace than, you know what our society teaches us the swipe, swipe, swipe, but I think it’s a very healthy way. And it’s also more authentic, and it’s probably going to be a more lasting relationship. You know, when I started I, I was working right in the corporate world, and I wanted and I just decided to be a yogi and I just made this huge transformation that literally my friends were worried about me, they were, you know, they were doing interventions like what are you, okay, like, who leaves their corporate job with all the benefits and the big salaries in the fancy offices, and you know, and health insurance and all that stuff, and then you just go live on a yoga teacher salary, and they thought I was crazy, right? They were worried about me, are you okay? Literally, I would get text message, are you okay? And that was a little bit isolating for me, you know, I felt like no one understood me. But when you chew, and it takes a lot of willpower, because the calling was so big for me, like my North Star was so big that the obstacles were small in comparison to the North Star. And so I followed through my passion. And, you know, I started to share it with the world and I start to use my voice and speak up, even though it was a big risks. You know, everybody’s telling me, I’m crazy. And I’m going out there and sharing it with the world. What happened is that people that are like me, started to see themselves in me and started to rally around me. And so that’s called community. So I started to build community. And I started to be surrounded by like minded people, just because I decided to do what I love. And I followed my calling. So the goal was not to meet people. The goal was not to create community. I just felt this calling and I followed my bliss. And then that cascade leads to other things, that leads so that’s kind of my advice to people is just do what you love and the right people will find you
Victoria Volk 44:41
Follow what lights you up. Right? Exactly. Well, that’s a great tip that takes care of that one question I was going through all of this, what is your grief taught you?
Maha Bodhi 44:51
You know, I like I said, my parents are still alive. But what I had to learn is I had to learn on how to support myself, I had to learn how to self regulate. And what you know, that’s me. And then literally, I had when you have nowhere to go, you go inside, that’s what happened to me like my when your face is like in the wall, there was nowhere to go but inside. And so I went inside, and I did the self work. And I did the self study, which allowed me to learn how to be my own best friend, and be my parent that I never had, and be my greatest coach and be my best friend, and be my greatest lover. So I was able to be all these things. And it’s not an easy journey. But it is such a powerful journey, the results are truly incredible. And so that’s when you become whole. And that wholeness allowed me to be a better friend for other people, a better lover for another person. And so now I have because my cup is so full, I’m able to give from my overflow, when your cup is empty, you’re no good for anybody around you. And so now I’m able to be compassionate, really, and see people when they’re suffering and just hold space for them, and not try to fix it really, I try not to slip into preacher or teacher mode or try to, you know, I’ll show you how to fix this, you know, just by holding space for somebody, people want to be seen people want to be heard. People want to be valued. And so I would say that’s what it taught me. And I think that’s a very powerful capability to have.
Victoria Volk 46:41
Absolutely agree. What gives you the most joy and hope for the future for your future.
Maha Bodhi 46:46
I feel I’m on the right path, I feel I’m on the right place and at the right time. And I feel the more I do this work, the stronger my relationship with my gut feeling is. And so sometimes it doesn’t make sense the decisions that I make, like from an external perspective, from an intellectual perspective, which our culture is very intellectual, and I know that my gut will never lie to me. And so I feel very optimistic because I see that relationship continues to grow and grow. And I trust it more. So I’m really looking forward to the future.
Victoria Volk 47:20
And I think that happens as we start to dig away and just clear away all of that stuff. We win
Maha Bodhi 47:28
The noise and the stories. Yeah,
Victoria Volk 47:31
A lot easier to tap into our intuition when we are able to do that. I think
Maha Bodhi 47:36
I’m writing my memoir, like I mentioned, and that’s been such a cathartic experience for me. And I’m really excited to share that with the world. Do you have a launch date? Yeah, no, I think by end of this year, okay. Yes.
Victoria Volk 47:50
I’m really excited about that for that. Yeah. Is there anything else that you would like to share?
Maha Bodhi 47:55
I don’t, I want to say to people, don’t give away your power, you are so much more powerful than you think you are. And if you don’t believe me, just sit quietly and listen, listen to the voice that is inside of you. And, you know, I’m a meditation teacher, and a yoga teacher and all these tools and techniques. They’re all just designed to quiet down the noise in your head. So you’re able to see things clearly to hear things clearly. And that alone is such a powerful technique. You know, Victoria, I just saw this documentary. It’s an old documentary, there’s this experiment in a prison in Atlanta or Alabama, I’m sorry, one of those. It’s a prison. It’s a maximum security prison. And it’s like the most the worst prison in the United States. And they started to deliver Vipassana meditation, which is a silent 10 day meditation. It’s it’s the most intense program that anyone can go through to be silent for 10 days. And they did it in Alabama. And you know, it’s a it was a very Christian place, and there was a lot of resistance. But, you know, somehow, you know, they rolled out the program. And these prisoners are murderers are the worst kind of people you can imagine did horrific things. And they did this 10 day meditation of being silent and completely transformed. Like you can see their faces light up, you see them talk before how angry they were. And then there’s just like this pure peace in their face, just because they were able to quiet their head and drop into the body and identify the sensations of the body that are invoking this kind of reaction, this reactive place. And so they just learned how to be in their body and how to manage their body and manage their reaction and realize that it’s just a chemical reaction and I have the power. You know, I own my body. My body doesn’t own me. I own my brain. My brain does An own mean, I own my emotions. My emotions don’t own me. So that’s a very empowering tool. And your listeners are no, they’re not murderers, they’re not you know, so their journey can be so much easier and they don’t even need to do a 10 day silent meditation. Just sit quietly five minutes a day, 10 minutes a day journal, reflect, go inside self study, the more you get to know yourself, the better you’re able to serve yourself and serve other people.
Victoria Volk 50:28
Yeah. Kristin Sherry has said she’s one of my mentors. She said, the more you know yourself, the more the less you look to others to tell you who you are.
Maha Bodhi 50:37
Exactly. The less validation you need from others.
Victoria Volk 50:41
Yeah, I’m going to try and find that documentary you’re talking about and
Maha Bodhi 50:45
it’s on YouTube yet. Okay, too. Yeah.
Victoria Volk 50:49
I’ll have to look that up. Thank you so much for sharing your story, which is incredible. We truly live in a very blessed country. And it we are so lucky that I take it so for granted. Yeah, sure. Yes. Thank you so much again, and you’re welcome idea. And remember, when you unleash your heart you unleash your life. Much love.
Grieving Voices Guest, Grieving Voices Podcast, Growth, Mind/Body Wellness, Pespective, Podcast, Spirituality |
Michelle Marsh | Flipping the Script on Loss During Covid
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
In the grief recovery programs, one way we describe grief is that it is the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations. This description of grief, in this way, has not been better understood by society as a whole more than it has since 2020 with the onset of the Covid-19 pandemic.
As society begins to emerge from the darkness Covid brought to so many lives, we start to see ourselves and others in a new light. We have started to see the impact of the past two years on the psyche of millions, its global economic impact, and deeply feel the ripples in our individual lives.
In this week’s episode, my guest, Michelle Marsh of Western Australia and @aromanosis, shares the ripples Covid-19 created in her life. Burying a loved one is never easy. Burying a loved one during a pandemic, well, it can be downright traumatic, elevating the emotions of everyone involved and leaving a lasting imprint.
Additionally, and not often talked about, are the secondary losses during Covid-19 due to government mandates, which Michelle also experienced in regard to hopes and dreams she had before the pandemic.
Michelle shares a few lessons she’s learned from her Covid-19 experience. And, how she’s managed to get to the other side of the darkness that was Covid-19 (and still is creating ripples in some ways).
For a long time, I have shared the expression “Covid Ruins Everything.” Well, one thing I believe it hasn’t ruined and perhaps has maybe strengthened, is the human spirit in the lives of millions.
May we all carry the lessons we’ve individually learned from Covid-19 into our future selves and be better for it.
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If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE or click HERE for mental health resources.
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Victoria Volk 0:00
Hi this is Victoria of theunleashedheart.com and you’re listening to grieving voices, a podcast for hurting hearts who desire to be heard. Or anyone who wants to learn how to better support loved ones experiencing loss. As a 30 plus year griever in advanced Grief Recovery methods specialist, I know how badly the conversation around grief needs to change. Through this podcast, I aim to educate grievers and non grievers like spread hope and inspire compassion towards those hurting. Lastly, by providing my heart with yours in this platform, grievers had the opportunity to share their wisdom and stories of loss and resiliency. How about we talk about grief, like we talked about the weather? Let’s get started. Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. I am your host Victoria Volk of The Unleashed Heart and today my guest is Michelle Marsh. She studied Reiki one and two as a teenager which began her journey into wellness. And after leaving school, she went into Registered Nursing where she learned the pros and cons of western medicine. After getting frustrated with the system, she left and began down a path of learning and natural health and hypnotherapy soon moving into coaching. Recently, Michelle has studied creative therapies and this year is delving deeper into alcohol herbalism and your Aveda. Now a mom of three and wife to a wonderful tolerant husband, Michelle describes herself as a highly sensitive person who loves to experience life to the fullest. In a nutshell, Michelle works with nature and creativity to help others grow and create change. Thank you so much for being my guest today. Michelle.
Michelle Marsh 1:52
Hello, thank you for having me.
Victoria Volk 1:55
We know each other to your friends for like two years. And this is the first time we’re actually recording. And I’ve been trying to pin you down for quite some time. But I think it’s perfect timing just given all of the change and transformation that I know you’ve gone through in the past two years. But more importantly, how that change has transpired probably in light in a lot of ways because of COVID. And so excited to see where this conversation goes today. But can you share a little bit about the Michelle before COVID and the impact that has had on your life in the Michelle after COVID? And just to clarify, she lives in Western Australia?
Michelle Marsh 2:42
Yes, it is. Although I think you’re the one with a funny accent. Okay, so Michelle. Oh, so that’s a doozy. Deezy Deezy question. Michelle, post COVID is much more accepting of the grayness of the future. So I think that’s probably the biggest change than the uncertainty of everything that’s kind of gone on here, has given me in the sense that before COVID, I really like to plan before COVID, I would always have a future vision of how everything is going to be. And with so many changes, and so much potential for change occurring. And there were you know, there’s been quite a few things in my life that I would I was doing that has been well felt like it was ripped beneath my feet. And all of a sudden, the trajectory I was on and my husband was on, career wise, family wise, all sorts of things disappeared. And in the past, when I’ve come across those kind of uncertain moments or you know, when big changes come into life as it does one of my biggest strategies for dealing with that would be to sit down and and replan and re visualize something into the future because knowing where you are going gives you a sense of purpose and hope. And so the last two years, particularly this this past year, it’s like, we don’t know what’s going to happen next and how well there’s a lot of freedom has been changed here, where I live and and so it’s like it was about six months ago, I had had a moment of going been so frustrated because I kept planning and it kept kind of falling apart. Just one little announcement and it would just crumble down again and this frustration and then wanting to plan but being afraid to Take the next step in a plan as well because of that, and I was sitting there and I was in a meditation and it was like, there was just this gray fog. And it’s like, well, I can’t just keep standing here where I’m at. Because you can’t do that for life. Like that’s, that’s the path we’re staying still to, to misery, right, we have to move forward. That’s where the growth is. But the fear of stepping into sight is the great unknown. So it’s, it’s not that I don’t dream and plan now. I do. But it’s with the knowledge that it can be. It can disappear at any moment. And I think now in hindsight, I look back. And I think how funny because it’s not like that was ever different. Life could always change on a dime, yet, your plans could always change. But I had a false sense of security, pre 2020. Whereas now, it’s like my eyes have been opened as to the true changeable nature of life. And, you know, it was terrifying at first. And in some days, it still is, and some days, I really feel the loss of that that certainty. On the other hand, what a gift because it’s kind of exciting, as well like to go the potential, you know, instead of knowing where you’re going, knowing the end of the story, it’s like a great book, where anything can happen. Like, yeah, hope that answers.
Victoria Volk 6:34
And I want to, I want to touch on that a little bit and go a little deeper on what you said, when you talked about the possibility because there I think there’s so many people that could think, like the negative, right, like, this isn’t going to work out. It’s like the worst possibility rates, so many people have that knee jerk reaction to think of the worst case scenario. Yeah. So what have you learned through the grief that this has brought you to? Because it is grief changing pattern patterns of behavior and your life and plans that gets swept from under you? What have you learned in how have you been able to reframe your positive goal of possibility instead of fear? Really?
Michelle Marsh 7:19
Yeah, that’s definitely been been grave. So saying that I’ve had in my head since I was a kid, I don’t know where it came from, is there’s always a way you just have to find it. And I’ve, I’ve always believed that, except for when I haven’t. Sometimes you forget, right. But it’s always kind of been there in the back of my mind. So one of the things that happened towards the end of last year in, in studying creative therapies at uni, is that I had a trajectory from going from this postgraduate diploma that I’m doing into the Masters, which would then take me into the system have been registered and been able to mingle with, you know, in the, in the medical world and things kind of in the system, I suppose. Because I, I fell in love with it. And I’m good at it. You know, they try to say that in the most non egotistical way, but you know, when you just go, oh, yeah, like, it all makes so much sense to me. And I find that quiet, it’s a lot of work but quite easy at the same time to understand. And so it was like, having this baby kind of gifted to me, and I was, I was just in love, and I was committed to it. And, and it was just such a beautiful gift. Because I had originally said, I’m going to do this, and I’m going to integrate it into like, my coaching and consulting that I do, what I learn, and, and then I had this whole new vision and pathway that I was going to go on. And then there was announcements at the end of last year that said that you have to be vaccinated to practice as as that kind of registered practitioner and we had chosen as a family not to go down that road health wise. And it was just dream shattered in a moment. And that really, it and I know I spoke to a lot about this at the time, you know, talk about a loss of hopes, dreams and expectations. I had such a strong vision of once I had that masters what I was going to do with it and it it felt so real. It felt so aligned and even talking about it now I can feel that emotion kind of coming up. And it was like, oh, what now and I did just throw my hands up and kind of say if you world and I don’t understand. And this felt so right, I felt so aligned, like, you know, my, the spiritual side of me was really well, the side of me trying to understand the spiritual side of me was very confused. Because I live my life like that I follow my intuition. That loss made me feel very lost in myself. And it made me question everything in the sense of, you know, I follow these, this path of of, like, following the whispers I call it the, you know, that intuitive following what feels good following what feels aligned, and here are here it was, I felt like the universe was just slapping me across the face and going, haha, just jokes, you know, give me the Give me Give me that beautiful baby back, take it away from night just took it straight back. And all the work that I’ve done and the sacrifices that I’ve made, you know, financially timewise to do that study, because, you know, it’s been a couple of years that I’ve been in, it really hurt, really, really hurt.
Michelle Marsh 11:14
And then at the same time been so aware of so many people in the world suffering so much more, you know, that there are there are bigger losses out there. And it could be so much worse, but then it felt like my heart was being tested that it’s such a funny thing, when you have a have a loss like that, because it’s what I was grieving was was never actually a reality in the first place. So going back to that, that same, there’s always a way, you just have to find that, you know, that was still in the back of my head. And gradually, I realized that what I have learned so far is still mine, I have not lost the last two years of study, it’s still in my mind that still integrated into how I work with people in the capacity that I work with people now. And then I found another way, then I said, I don’t need the approval of that organization over there, to to still study and learn what I love and to integrate it into what I offer into the world, nobody can stop me from offering my skills, I’m just not allowed to use certain words, you know, and it’s, there’s, there’s always a way, there’s always a way. And and it can be really hard and frustrating when you don’t have the support that you thought you were going to have on that journey. But then there’s, you know, six months on from that, so many gifts in that as well that have kind of come from that big shake up of that expectation. Now what I’m doing is so much more expansive, that it would never fit in that tiny little box of where I thought I was going. So I guess moving through it one foot in front of the other. With that mantra going through my mind, there’s always a way, I just need to keep moving forward, until I find that way, knowing that I’ll probably go this way and then that way and up and down and around in circles quite a few times before I feel like I’m sort of tracking forward maybe and that’s okay. That’s the other mantra in my mind. It’s okay. It’s all okay. Every emotion every, every wrong turn every, every every right. It’s all okay, it’s all perfect. So I suppose I have a much deeper trust and faith these days than I used to. Because I can’t plan.
Victoria Volk 13:59
Well, and again, like we’ve like so many of us get reminded it’s you can plan until you’re blue in the face, but not at all there’s an expression God will laugh at your plans anyway or something like yeah, as the last laugh. I just filled out a survey not that long ago or not a survey a questionnaire to be on a podcast and the question was something to the effect of when was a time in your life that you had failed? And you know, what, what did you learn from it? And like the old me, before I really started my journey of personal development, especially the last probably, like pre grade recovery me would have would have looked at that and and answered probably in the way of really looking down on myself. Right and really, I could have probably thought of things left and right to put in there. But my perspective of failure now. I don’t know if you I know from what I know of you I’m thinking you share the same thinking is that there is no failure. It’s all learning the perspective of how I look at failure like there, there is no failure. And I used to, you know, we are our worst critics, our own worst critics. And that used to be a really one of the things that brought me down the most, and my self confidence and, and my worth, and all of that. So I think it’s really important that we look at failure, and really dig deep into it. Of what how we want to reframe that. So how do you? What is your stick on failure these days?
Michelle Marsh 15:45
It’s a really good question, because it’s not something I really think about anymore. Because it’s kind of like you, I used to think about how many failures I’ve had. And just as you’re talking there, I’m like, Well, I guess what’s happened is I don’t see them as failures anymore. They seem as launchpads I see them as my biggest moments of, of growth. Because I’ve, I’ve had plenty of things which people could label us as failures if they wanted to. But if those things hadn’t occurred, I would not be the person I am right now. I would not feel the expansiveness and love and everything that I have hearing my heart so solidly these days, I wouldn’t have any of that. Because I wouldn’t have learned how to come come through. And so I suppose in the in the sense of how I saw things as failures in the past. Whereas now I don’t, I see them as growth opportunities now, which means I move through things a lot quicker. I think if like that example that I gave with my study, if that had happened, say three years ago, it probably would have taken me maybe a year, two years to get over it, you know, not over it, too. We don’t get over things, we integrate them. And we grow from them with without any kind of trauma or grief, or occurrence. And so I think it’s a reframe into a growth opportunity, instead of it being a failure. And the best thing we can do is to fail again, and again, and again and again. And I used to read books saying that, and I would think, yeah, because then you learn how to do it right, and you don’t fail anymore. You know, those Harar kind of books, like, you know, learn how to do it wrong. So then you know how to do it, right? It’s such a load of crap, get comfortable with it, and know that it’s an opportunity. And yes, it’s an opportunity that hurts like hell, and I can’t ever see myself seeking that out and saying, Oh, I hope this is one of those moments of
Victoria Volk 17:55
Great, right, we don’t ask for it.
Michelle Marsh 17:58
Every endeavor every step of the way, I’m hoping that things go smoothly and well, and that it feels so flow when you know all the rest of it, that when ultimately the pain does come along, it’s that knowledge in the back of your mind that that you can get through it. And it’s the previous failures or growth opportunities. And having come through those and then being able to see those in hindsight. That gives you the courage to know that no matter what happens into the future, and I suppose this is where getting comfortable with that greatness in front of in front of me has come from no matter what’s thrown at me, I will find a way through it, I’ll find a way to integrate that I’ll find a way to find meaning in it, which I think is is a big part of, you know, coming through trauma coming through grief is, is having some sort of meaning attached to it, not to dispel the pain. Because it’s so important, I think to to honor that and integrate it, but that the meaning gives us a sense of purpose and understanding of why we experience it in the first place, which to me is then that Launchpad into the growth in our future and into better experience.
Victoria Volk 19:22
I know because we’re friends that you experienced a loss during that transition of trying to understand that what you wanted to the stream that you were hoping to build and launch wasn’t going to happen, at least for the time being, but you did have a loss of someone you loved during that time as well. And
Michelle Marsh 19:42
Yeah, so that was my my grandfather and it happened quite quickly and suddenly, I mean, he was gosh, I should know this. I think he was 96 but he was still living alone and looking after himself. And you know, I’ve completed sound mind and he had a fall and within weeks he he had died. And in that time, we thought he was going home as well, because he, he was healing and then all of a sudden he crashed the night before of the funeral. There was there was an announcement we had really strict borders in, in Western Australia. And we hadn’t had COVID in in our state. And so they, there was one case that that came through. And so they locked everything down based on one case who was in isolation, and they’d identified everybody that had been in contact, which was nothing to do with me or my family or anything near near us. But they locked down everything and said that, so like lots of rules changed. One of them been at funerals, that you can only have 10 people attend, and mums, one to five children. So with partners, you know, she could attend with her her brothers, but none of us cousins and you know, there’s a there’s a big bunch of us cousins, and we’re a very, very close family. It was a grieving of not just the loss of my grandfather, but but from the head of the family. We lost my Nan, you know, 20 odd years ago. So it was this this fear then of is our family still going to come together? Or is it like all of it changed every dynamic of what had been a really solid foundation for all of us in, in that family. I remember, I was already grieving all of that. And then to have here this announcement that I can’t go to the funeral, yet the football was still going ahead was so discombobulated like the grief then that came up from that, and so that night, like and they said, Oh, you know, we’ll live stream and like, okay, okay. But it was kind of like a bit. But it was so hard to really comprehend the feelings that that were going on inside. And I don’t think I’ve ever really thought about how important funerals were. And so in the end, we made a decision, I think I was lying in bed awake at it, I couldn’t sleep, and just so much fire so much anger towards this politician made this decision that made no sense to me, no sense, you know, the rest of the world by then was kind of getting on with things and, and will freaking out a by one case, you know, and yeah, I just hit me, I’m like, No, I’m getting up and getting dressed. Because all of that process of getting dressed to go to the funeral, there’s like ritual in it. And and, and the kids are having the day of school, and they are getting dressed too. And so is my husband, and I’m taking my laptop. And we’re going to drive wasn’t strictly allowed, but we did it. We’re going to drive, we’re going to sit outside on the road in our car, of where I know, they are. So I can see the hearse drive in. So I can I can watch it on on the computer and as close as I can to that.
MIchelle Marsh 23:35
And it ended up being this beautiful on one hand, and then still so much anger and grief on the other side to have not been in the chapel because we turned up there. And I’ve spoken to my three siblings, and they decided they would do the same. So we were turning up but none of us has spoken to our cousins, because we’re a little like, you know, bit worried about what each other would think about breaking the rules to that extent, but we’re like, we’re safe. We’re in our cars where you know, because we weren’t supposed to say anyways, we get there. And the majority of my cousins had decided to do the same thing. And it was so incredible. Watching all of these cars line up on the side of the road with the same idea. They’d all had the same inspiration when I spoke to them later, you know, they’d had the same kind of thing where they’d stayed up all night I couldn’t sleep and angry and then you know, they got this idea to come and I so feel like my granddad went to each of us and gave us that inspiration. And so that was really beautiful. And it was a real kind of connecting moment. But then on the other hand, yeah, it was that there was so much anger because I felt like I’d been told I can’t grieve how I want to grieve and and I realized how important it is. is, you know, after a funeral, when a family comes together for the weight and the telling of those stories and the hugs and the the weird feeling of it all that you don’t have, you know, the grandfather there who’s who’s always been, like, the reason why we get it not the reason but you know that it’s, we get around. And so we didn’t have that. And, and there was a, we were kind of like, Oh yeah, well, once the lockdowns over we’ll, we’ll have awake and all the rest of it. But there was just this fizzling off. And then no one could kind of rally themselves to kind of come together and do that. And I still feel the desire for it. But when I spoke to the rest of my family, they’ve moved past it. So it was so yeah. Yeah, no, I still kind of can’t put a lot of words to it all and explain it because it was, as I was saying to you, before, we jumped on to record this anger on one side, which really made me want to jump into action and be vocal on what was going on over here and all the rest of it. And then the grief, which just felt like, cold, still depression. I can’t move. I give up. What’s the point? You know, and then then what’s the point was tied in with with the grief of what was going on with my grandfather, and then with the grief of everything that I was seeing kind of occurring around me and how much people were getting suppressed? And yeah, it just really made me flake. But then the anger. Good. I’m out in rage every now and then. Such an interesting, interesting process yeah.
Victoria Volk 27:04
Very much a roller coaster. And feeling the weight to have what you see. Right happening with people, you know, and love. It’s not just what’s happening with you. But, you know, friends who maybe lost their jobs because of their points of view, or yeah, you know, situations like that of losing loved ones. Due to but maybe not even getting to see them. Yeah, for they passed away.
Michelle Marsh 27:35
Yeah. Yeah. Dad’s not been able to be with their wives while they’re giving birth. Again, because of a Health Choice. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that’s a carry on at the moment, which is just ludicrous. Yeah, so there’s a lot of pain and grief that you hold for other people with that with. And I think when there’s a when you feel because again, this comes down to personal point of view. But when you feel like people are experiencing grief or additional grief, for no reason, or it seems pointless, because there’s a rule. It’s, it’s really hard to kind of integrate that. You know, it’s different when someone gets hit by a car, and you go through that grieving process and everything, but it’s, it’s almost like the cars been driven purposely or that person has been told to stand on the road or something. And it’s just like, it’s so frustrating. There’s this desire to scream, but you’ve got to let go of it all. Because you have no choice but to yourself, or the world, or your, your own family. And I think after holding that frustration, and for other people, for myself, for the world as a whole, I was crunching in on myself and I am a hermit anyways, but not in a good way. I lost all motivation to to share any any of the messages that I have. And I was I was really struggling with that. And, and I was snapping at my children and my husband and I even though we’re on the same page, we’re starting to get narky at each other. And it’s because it’s the frustration of what’s happening out here that is out of your control, and you’re seeing all these people in pain and you know, I’m that person that my friends call to tell me when they know Yeah, my husband’s just lost their job or and I’ve got a friend and they’ve got an amazing electrical business that and I know how hard her husband’s worked to build that up and employees and things like that. And then these are these crazy rules come in that don’t make sense. And and and then like, how do we navigate this and you know, that feeling that terror of your heart. And it’s, what ends up happening is that your suffering, and your children are suffering because of it, because you’re taking it all in. And it’s because the lack of feeling of control. So at some point, it was like, How do I not dissociate from this? Because that’s not healthy? How do I keep my eyes open and aware to the truth and be okay.
Victoria Volk 30:32
And as a highly sensitive person, and that’s kind of what I’m getting at to conversation, being a highly sensitive person. So what would you suggest to people who may be feeling that way, whether they’re identify as a highly sensitive person or not
Unknown Speaker 30:49
Think this is where your self care behaviors are so important. So as you know, I have been practicing Kundalini, religiously, every every day Kundalini yoga, for over a year now. So those kinds of practices and journaling and meditation, reading a book, all of those things, well, I suppose let me categorize it. So there’s some self care behaviors, like yoga, meditation, that are like muscle strengthening, emotional resilience strengthening, so they do help you to release and let go and integrate different things. But one of the really big things about them is that they are, they are building a strength a core like inside like this. And, and it’s so that when everything is swirling around in a storm around you, you can you can feel your center, still, instead of just been swept around in the storm. So those things, I think it’s really important to have a practice. And that’s hard to do, especially when you’re not feeling great. But that’s where self discipline comes in. And that’s having self integrity, and thinking you’re worth that time and that effort. And children and your family. Yeah. Sorry.
Michelle Marsh 31:07
Can I ask you a follow up question to that? Before I forget, because I think it’s really important, I actually want your thoughts on this. So just it’s come up recently in conversation. So like you can be you can have a yoga practice, let’s say you have a daily yoga practice, and Kundalini, whatever it is, and it’s a practice of being with your body, like being present with your body in your body, feeling safe and supported in your body, right? But what if it’s not, you’re not really with your feelings? Because there’s a difference in with your body. But if you’re not in or with your feelings, is it in a way, a form of spiritual, spiritual bypassing? Or could you be thinking that you’re addressing your grief or your emotions with this practice, but yet, it almost becomes a STERB. Like in grief, we call it a Short-term Energy Relieving Rehaviors.
Unknown Speaker 33:20
It can be a step. Yeah. Yes, this language through so you know what? Yeah. But that Yeah. Yeah.
Victoria Volk 33:28
What do you say to that? Like, yeah, you can have a yoga practice, but it’d be within your body, but how do you sit, be in with your feelings at the same time?
Michelle Marsh 33:39
So I would say that if you’re truly with your body, you can’t not be with your feelings. At the same time, I would say, when it say a sturb. So, you know, people often use that a physical movement as in that way to bypass things and to use it as a healthier band aid than alcohol, but it’s still a band aid, right? And yes, it’s it’s spiritual bypassing, but you’re not when you’re fully embodied. The mind and body are one, your feelings and emotions. It’s all it’s all one thing. So if you’re truly, actually been embodied, and if you’re truly doing the practice of yoga, you will feel it. And I mean, this is this is why, you know, so often, like if I’m consulting with somebody, and they’re having difficulty getting in touch with their emotions and feelings, just just from talk, because it really works well that way. It’s okay, let’s move your body because there’s usually somewhere I can see in them that they’re holding on I’m like, Okay, let’s see what’s there. And once they start to move it, the emotion starts to come up. And so this is what’s supposed to be occurring within within yoga or any of these movement. practices. But there are ways like you say, where you can move your body, and even use the breath and use the mind to completely compartmentalize. And and you know, that’s it’s an incredibly clever thing to do. But humans are clever and and I’d say most people have the skill to actually do this. It’s almost like it gets boxed up and put somewhere, right. But if you’re actually doing the practice properly, and I think this is where intention comes into it, and you are to the best of your ability, because, you know, when we meditate, we all go off and think about dinner and all the rest of it, but you just keep bringing yourself back, you keep bringing yourself back, you keep saying, If I feel something, I will feel it. I give myself permission I although these things are really important, there is no use going through some yoga said, or, or even meditation, you know, in kundalini, we do a lot of chanting and things like that, you can get lost in them. And there is a certain sense of peace and goodness to that as well. But the attention should always be in the present moment. It’s not about escaping, it’s about coming in and feeling and saying, I will feel I will feel this pain, I will feel the light, you know that that means a physical pain and an emotional pain. So I think it comes down to intention as to the difference between both because yeah, know what you mean. And I know, we’ve had conversations about it before in the spiritual bypassing, and I’ve been extremely frustrated in the past, because some of the most what I would have in the past called the most spiritual people I know, like highly psychic people, and mediums and things like that, that I I have known personally, have screwed up what I would personally call personal life and relationships. And I’m like, How does this occur? And it’s because they’re actually not embodied. It’s because they are trying to live in this spiritual world, as an escape, just like drinking can be just like, exercise can be just like, six can be eating anything. It’s an escape from actually feeling and dealing with what’s occurring. So yeah, I think it really does come down to that the mindset and the intention.
Victoria Volk 37:42
What sparked that was I had a podcast guest who had grown up with Yogi parents, but he had never learned how to grieve. He had never had that emulated for him, or, you know, to really be with your emotions, and how to let them move through you and work through them. It was all just, it’s almost as if well, yoga was just this, you’re just going through the motions, right?
Michelle Marsh 38:08
Well, I think a lot of yoga is these days. Isn’t that let’s say it’s a stretching practice. I think the spiritual teachings, which is the spiritual side of of yoga, as a practice is about connection. Actually, I was just reading last night in because as you know, I’ve just started the the teacher training for Kundalini. And and it says in there, I wish I had my manual here, so I could read it out exactly. But it says Yoga is not all of these things that we’re kind of saying right now. It is a relationship. It’s about relationship, relationship to spirit relationship to self relationship to others, which means if you’re in true relationship, you cannot not experience great right, amongst every other emotion as well. So like, without knowing this, this person and his upbringing and what is your your parents are like, I mean, it’s quite possible that they actually never never spoke about that type of thing. Kundalini is quite different from other yoga practices, from what I can see it is all about being embodied, which embodied means experiencing the physical, emotional, and the etheric together as one. But yeah, it happens. And I do it too. I think we all do it.
Victoria Volk 39:33
Especially when life feels like a shitshow. Right? You’ve touched on this now, so let’s go there. Okay, because obviously, you must have some hopes, dreams and expectations or for the future with now Kundalini, but like you said, it’s whatever you go through in life, it’s education. It’s not failure, and no one can take it away from you whether it is a training program or it is a perceived failure perceived by others. So what gives you hope for the future.
Michelle Marsh 40:09
Is failing inside of me. It sounds so whoo and so I exam low, ugly, shy I have honestly come to a point in my own growth and development where I feel like I said, it’s, it’s that so I’ve done so much work on strengthening this inner core and being of myself that there is such a pleasant feeling there. It doesn’t mean I don’t get angry or scared, you know, just this morning, you know, I was, I was saying to my husband, you know, I had had a lot of anxiety coming up around, you know, finances and things because everything’s quite changeable still. But it all seems to work out in the end. And, and I think what gives me hope is that no one can take away this feeling I have inside, the only way it disappears is when I let it disappear, like I did for a moment this morning. So say, Everything’s gonna be okay. It’s all okay. And, and there’s always another opportunity. There’s always another. I’m constantly surprised and delighted life can can offer and deliver. So even if what I’m not envisaging in my mind doesn’t come to fruition. While I was still grief that because like you say, you know, I’ve got another vision in my mind now. Wow, I know, I would grieve that. I also know that whatever comes here has got opportunity for for delight and joy that I can’t even envision right now. And so whichever way it goes, it’s okay. And I think that’s where the hope lies. Now. It’s, which is a funny way to put it, but it’s, it’s, I guess, in the past hope has been in relation to wanting something so that I could be happy. That will make me happier once I have that. Whereas now it’s like there’s there’s a sense of, of joy and connect and contentedness. That’s a word in the now and but a hope for the sparks and joy that I kind of know are going to come anyways, I just don’t know what form along with the, the grief and the pain that I know will be in there as well. And it’s like, okay, let’s do it. Welcome to Life, welcome to Life, which then brings me back to like that Kundalini morning practice. That’s what that feels like, right? And it doesn’t have to be Kundalini Yoga, there’s so many different practices out there that you can get this from. It’s a mixture of this, it’s like your life, because it’s a mixture of intense pain when you have your arms out here for seven minutes. And it really hurts. But then it’s like, why would you do that to yourself. But then at the same time, there’s, like, this box of just moments where everything syncs together, or you get this higher state of awareness after a bit of breath work or meditation or, or, or at achievement, when the first time that you actually managed to keep your arms up there without flaking out. And, and that that willpower, I feel like I need to let my arm down, and then your mind is going, No, I’m gonna stay on that path. No, you’re not putting your arm down, and you just stay there and you stay there and you stay there. That’s the training, but it’s also the experience of so then when it happens in your like day to day life. It’s like, oh, no, I’ve come through that. How many times have I failed? Was my arms falling down? And then I got it. Right. You know, so it’s like, it’s giving you life experience. And I think that’s, again, like I said, those types of practices, training. And, man, I always think Imagine if we all grew up with that kind of training, like understanding not just the physical side of it, like, my teachers speaks wholly in a lot about what’s actually even occurring internally, you know, it’s like, sometimes I’ll be like, there and I’ll be sobbing and so angry. She won’t let me put my hands down Yeah, yeah.
Victoria Volk 44:45
Life training,
Michelle Marsh 44:47
Live training. Yeah, yeah. And there’s lots of ways to do it.
Victoria Volk 44:50
So if people want to learn your way, or want to connect with you, where can they find you?
Michelle Marsh 44:56
Aromalysis which is my business And that is a Romanisis.com.au. And, yeah, there’s a there’s a couple of different offerings in there. One which can be offered to anybody around the world is my wellbeing readings where I use my intuition as well as my knowledge in herbalism, and Western medicine and psychology and everything else that I’ve studied. And basically given an overview of, of your wellness is along with some different suggestions in your lifestyle diet. And really, when it comes down to it, a lot of the time it’s what people are experiencing physically comes down to the grief they are holding within the unprocessed unintegrated emotions. I give some some tips and kind of next steps around that. And then yeah, I also consult with people face to face as well when the opportunity arises.
Victoria Volk 45:57
And do you have two years you make teas as well? Right?
Michelle Marsh 45:59
I do. I do. Oh, thank you for saying, see there’s so many wonderful things in the world. I do I love I love my my teas and my herbs. My shop is not up yet. But it will be discoverable with through aroma Gnosis, so you can follow me on Instagram, I’m at aroma Gnosis as well. And I will have that shot up soon with all my medicinal goodies which I love to when I put them together, I only ever put my my herbals and medicinals together when I am in alignment in myself. And I also like to do it in alignment with the moon and the energies of the planets. And so all of that that’s where the alchemical herbalism comes in. It all comes in into play. And it’s such a beautiful expansive thing to do is to sit there chanting away as you’re as you’re preparing something or have steam, or whatever state of that.
Victoria Volk 46:59
Lots of love infused I do not doubt so much. And I will put the link in to all of your information in the show notes. And is there anything else you would like to share?
Michelle Marsh 47:11
Just deep gratitude for you, my friend, I have learned so much from you about grief. And the true nature of grief. I think it’s it’s we often label it so many other things. And when it comes down to it, it’s it’s it’s grief. And, and not being afraid of that. And yeah, understanding the nuances around it, and this podcast that you’ve been doing and have the most incredible guests on that I’m just like, so amazed that, that I am on here in in the presence of some pretty incredible people, you’re a true gift to the world. An absolute true gift. So thank you so much.
Victoria Volk 47:58
Thank you, thank you for being my friend. Oh, sister from another mother tidally. This has been so much fun. Thank you so much for sharing. I think the loss of hopes dreams and expectations is a loss that many people can relate to and experiencing loss during COVID as well. And so I appreciate you sharing your story. We didn’t even get into you map which oh, I want to try and weave that in there some way but didn’t didn’t quite fit. So maybe that’s another conversation for another time.
Michelle Marsh 48:28
Next time. Yeah. So much I could say about that that.
Victoria Volk 48:33
Anything like in a nutshell, like what it what it did for you.
Michelle Marsh 48:36
Yeah. So when you did that, now I’m trying to remember the timeline. But that’s when I was feeling kind of squeezed. And it was towards the end of last year. So it was kind of like when all the things were going on. And at the same time, I was like no, I’m gonna find my path. I will find that way, you know, determined and you you offered the umat to me surprised me most about it was really bringing to my attention, what my priorities were, what my values were. And so I made a decision. Actually, I do remember exactly. It was mid last year because it was when my grandfather died. It was at right at that point. And I remember I was trying to make decisions am I gonna do this, I’m never gonna do that. And when I saw my values written in kind of hierarchy, and and I made a decision to I’m going to live by those because it because you kind of realized that Oh, hang on. I’m putting all my attention into my fifth or sixth Valley. But about that top one that changed my behavior and my actions and still does that was a catalyst into this. This this alien of solid joy and knowledge and knowing that I’ve got that that rock hard feeling that chord that I was talking about. That was a catalyst doing that YouMap I couldn’t recommend it higher. Lay enough to people, it’s such a good way to get to know yourself. Especially if you have no idea, I think, yeah, it is true. If you’re feeling lost, actually, it doesn’t even matter how much you know yourself. I mean, I’ve been doing self development for years, I thought I knew I was like, Yeah, I already know where I’m at, there’s always more to discover it, put it in black and white in front of you, and then try and weasel your way into putting your head back in the sand, it’s really hard to do. So it’s a gift to have in front of you.
Victoria Volk 50:31
Yeah, and for people not familiar with it, I’ll link to it in the show notes. But just it’s a holistic picture of who you really are, that combines your strengths and your values and your skills and, and, and how you’re wired to create this, this map of of you, and it can really shape your path forward. And so thank you for sharing that little snippet of your experience with my listeners. So I’ll put the link to that in the show notes. And thank you again, so much, my friend. Thank you. Thank you. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life much love. From my heart to yours. Thank you for listening. If you liked this episode, please share it because sharing is caring. And until next time, give and share compassion by being hurt with yours. And if you’re hurting know that what you’re feeling is normal and natural. Much love my friend.
