Growth, Mental Health, Mental Health Awareness, Mind/Body Wellness, solo episode |
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Welcome to today’s episode, which focuses on mental health awareness and celebrating women entrepreneurs for May Mental Health Awareness Month.
In this episode, I will share my experiences from a recent women’s business summit in North Dakota where I met an array of incredible female business owners.
FEATURED EPISODE CONTRIBUTORS:
- Rachel Howard from 3andMe Mobile Coffee discusses how scheduling “me time” is essential for her well-being as an entrepreneur and mother.
- Chelsy Ciavarella from The Poppy Creative emphasizes the importance of alone time to recharge and offers practical tips on managing a busy schedule.
- Megan Vatnsdal from Onyx & Evergreen Travel discusses setting boundaries with technology to maintain a balance between work and personal life.
- Solli Frank introduces Kajaer GeoConsulting LLC, highlighting the value of personal connections within her team.
- Amanda Mogen with Dakota Dream Destinations, LLC, stresses self-care practices such as meditation, exercise, delegation, and building strong relationships.
Three vital tips based on my entrepreneurial journey:
- Seek support early by connecting with like-minded individuals or groups related to your business endeavors.
- Delegate tasks when possible; outsourcing can free up valuable time to invest in your family or other growth areas.
- Schedule personal downtime deliberately in your calendar; it’s crucial for maintaining a healthy work-life balance.
Let’s continue building meaningful connections, embracing lifelong learning, and finding that sweet spot between hustle and heart.
CONNECT WITH THE CONTRIBUTORS:
- Rachael Howard: 3andMe Mobile Coffee – Website / FB / IG
- Chelsy Ciavarella: The Poppy Creative – Website / FB / IG
- Megan Vatnsda: Onyx & Evergreen Travel – Website / FB / IG
- Solli Frank: Kajaer GeoConsulting LLC – Website / FB / LinkedIn
- Amanda Mogen: Dakota Dream Destinations LLC – Website / FB
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Balancing the Scales: Mental Health Tips for Women-Owned Small Businesses
As we step into May, a month dedicated to raising awareness about mental health, it’s crucial to shine a light on an often-overlooked demographic in this conversation – women entrepreneurs. In episode 195 of our series, we delve deep into the lives of inspiring women who not only run their own small businesses but also prioritize their mental well-being.
A Cup of Self-Care with Rachel Howard
Imagine sipping your favorite latte from a quaint vintage trailer surrounded by the aroma of fresh coffee beans. This is what Rachel Howard offers through her innovative venture, 3 and Me Mobile Coffee. But Rachel’s business isn’t just about serving caffeine fixes; it’s a testament to her commitment to self-care and fostering supportive relationships. By scheduling regular “me-time” and collaborating with local businesses, she creates an environment that encourages others to do the same.
Creativity Meets Mindfulness with Chelsea Sia Varela
Chelsea Sia Varela turned her passion for creativity into Poppy Creative—a space where imagination meets tranquility. She understands that running such a venue can be demanding, which is why she champions alone time as much as collaborative efforts. Her approach involves meticulous organization and reaching out for support when needed—key strategies in maintaining work-life harmony.
Travel Lightly Through Life with Megan Battenstall
Megan Battenstall’s Onyx and Evergreen Travel company doesn’t just curate journeys across the globe—it embodies Megan’s philosophy towards life: travel lightly. For Megan, managing stress means silencing email notifications after hours and dedicating time to personal hobbies. It’s about creating boundaries between work demands and personal pleasures—an invaluable lesson for any entrepreneur looking to avoid burnout.
Geospatial Growth with Heart by Solly Frank
Solly Frank has mapped out success not just geographically but emotionally through Kajair Geoconsulting. Her focus on forging strong personal connections within her team speaks volumes about her leadership style—one rooted in empathy and understanding. Moreover, intentional note-taking helps keep her grounded amidst daily challenges.
Dream Big but Care Deeply with Amanda Morgan
Dakota Dream Destinations isn’t just another travel agency—it’s Amanda Morgan’s dream materialized into reality while keeping wellness at its core. She underscores self-care routines not simply as indulgences but imperatives for sustained success in business—and life itself.
Now let me share three golden nuggets from my own treasure trove:
1) **Seek Support Early**: Don’t wait until you’re overwhelmed; reach out proactively.
2) **Delegate Wisely**: Free up your most precious resource—time—by entrusting tasks within your team.
3) **Schedule Personal Time Diligently**: Guard against burnout by making ‘you time’ non-negotiable on your calendar.
The common thread weaving these stories together is clear: Building robust connections (with oneself and others), engaging in continuous learning experiences, finding equilibrium between professional ambitions and personal needs are pivotal elements that empower women entrepreneurs to flourish without sacrificing their sanity or happiness.
In closing this chapter—but certainly not this discussion—I encourage you all listening (and reading!) today to take these insights beyond mere contemplation into concrete action steps tailored for you or someone you know navigating entrepreneurship’s thrilling yet demanding waters.
Remember always—to unleash your heart because therein lies true strength both in business endeavors and life paths charted anew each day.
Thank you ever so much for tuning in! Your feedback fuels our journey forward—if enjoying this content resonates deeply within you then kindly consider leaving us a five-star review.
Until next time…keep thriving mindfully!
Episode Transcription:
Victoria Volk: Good morning, good afternoon, or good evening, whatever time it is that you are listening to this episode. I thank you for being here. This is episode one ninety-five, Rising Tides, mental health, tips for women-owned small businesses. And this idea for this podcast episode came about because number one, it’s May Mental Health Awareness Month. And number two, I had recently attended a women’s business summit or conference where I was in a room full of a hundred around a hundred women small business owners from across my state of North Dakota, and all doing amazing, unique different things, there was an ultrasound woman there that her business is going into people’s homes and doing newborn or OB Ultrasounds. She does them for gender reveals and just for maybe a more private at-home experience. Another woman helps goes into women’s homes for postpartum support. Just so many different, cool, unique ideas. And so today, I had asked some of them to submit some information to me so that I could feature them on this podcast. And also, I’m going to be sharing, if you haven’t seen already, if you go to my social media, If you wanna learn a little bit more or kinda get a recap of the guests on this podcast episode, you can go to my social media. At the only chart on Instagram, the only chart our only chart LLC on Facebook, and and I’ll put the links are in the show notes to my social media, but you can check out their more information there and there’ll be a picture and all of that. So I just wanted to feature some women-owned small businesses because you know, especially, like, when you’re in a small business, it’s generally a lot of women. It’s a solo solo adventure and we don’t have employees or if we do, it’s, you know, small team of people and it can get lonely. It can feel lonely. And, you know, there’s so many struggles that come along with being an entrepreneur and having a small business. But to be able to come together at like a women’s conference or summit and share your struggles, share ideas, brainstorm, learn about branding, marketing, trademarking, all these different topics that are relevant to women in small business. Were presented at this women’s conference, which was three days packed full of information and networking and it was just a really great time. And so I just thought I would, you know, coming back home and trying to fall asleep, I just had this idea, like, I’m gonna feature some of these women for main mental health for small business because even at the summit, people I mean, I heard people saying how, you know, they barely take time for themselves, and this was the recharge they needed, and a lot of them are moms. And so I’m I’m you know, the same boat. Like, I’m a mom and small business owner and I, you know, have another job and so it’s like all the things. Right? We’re doing all the things and trying to build, you know, maybe a side hustle or trying to be of service to the world too. And, you know, it takes a village, to raise a family, and sometimes it takes a village to be in small business. So anyway, I wanted to feature some women. Today on this episode and I hope you support them, check them out. And maybe it’ll even spark some ideas for you if you’re listening as to what is out there, what is possible for you to create as a small business that is maybe lacking in your community. So the first business I would like to feature is three and Me Mobile Coffee by Rachel Howard. And on my form, I asked a couple of questions. And so how she described her business was three and me. Is a pretty pink mobile coffee shop, repurposed from a vintage stock trailer. We serve fresh wraps and delicious brought pays along with a large variety of other drinks and desserts. As a pride of Dakota member, we partner with as many other local companies as we can. Our motto is simple ingredients, simply delicious. And on my form, I ask, how do you prioritize yourself and your well-being as an entrepreneur? And as a mom or bonus mom if you are one. And she said she literally has to schedule in her meet time. If she doesn’t, she always ends up on the back burner. But she does have a wonderful spouse who supports her and her emotional well-being and makes sure that she always feels comfortable and empowered to take care of herself. Through yoga classes, journaling, business retreats, bubble baths, reading a book, and a good glass of Merlo, along with spending as much time outside in nature as possible. Like planting a garden and watching things grow is seriously therapeutic, she says. To the question, is there anything else you would like share that you would be helpful or supportive. She adds. You won’t be liked or supported by everyone. Don’t even try to please those who don’t and change their minds. Focus on the people who are supporting and encouraging you if you only have so many sticks. As in time and resources. Would you put those sticks in the fire that’s already burning or potentially waste your time trying to start a fire from nothing? Great tip for all of us women in small business who may be putting our sticks and resources of time to not the best use and not maybe to the best or most fruitful relationships maybe even in our lives. Or endeavors or opportunities or, you know, not everything that comes our way has to be a yes. And so I love that advice from Rachel Howard of three and me mobile coffee. The next business I would like to feature is business called the Poppy Creative by Chelsea Ciara Varella, which I hope I said her name. Right? She describes This is how she describes Poppy Creative. Welcome to the Poppy Creative, your ultimate destination for all things creative. Whether an individual, a dynamic group, or a vibrant club, our doors are wide open to cater to your needs. From studio rentals to venue spaces, we provide Canvas for your imagination to flourish. Save money with rental decor. Our collection has an eclectic mix of furniture, backdrops, and more. We can also create custom items to suit your event and style preferences, ensuring your vision becomes a stunning reality. Dive into our engaging craft classes suitable for all ages and skill levels. Her classes promise an immersive experience where everyone leaves with a peace uniquely their own. Join us in unleashing your imagination. When asked, how do you prioritize yourself and your well-being as an entrepreneur? Chelsea says, being an introverted person, I really rely on that alone time after the hustle and bustle of business business ownership working a full time job as well, three dogs, a household to run, and a husband who works shift work. Some of the things that give me peace and help me get back to my baseline are reading, journaling, watching shows or being outside. My passion is also creating. So working on my poppy stuff as busy as it is has also given me a sense of calm because I can just sit and watch new and cool ideas come to life. When asked if there was anything else she would like to share that would be helpful or supportive, she says, being such a new business I’m still working on finding that balance of work in life. It is one of the hardest things when you start out because you want your endeavors to be successful. So many small business owners often have full time positions as well, so the only time to work in our businesses are in our free time and quotations. Not really free time then, is it? Some things I have found helpful is getting everything on a board. What are the things you need to do? What are the things you want to do, and if there are deadlines. Seeing everything in one space, which she uses a foam core board with sticky notes so she can move them around. Seeing it laid out gives you a scope of tasks and allows you to set priority orders. It is always so successful checking off boxes and or completing tasks. This is something often overlooked and are oddly hard but ask for help. Use your support system if you don’t have one join networking groups or find a club. I have found so many great friends and connections through networking events. It is so nice chatting with like minded people who are struggling with the same things as you. Also, build in you time on your calendar. If you have a busy week, block off time and do not give it up. Your business succeeds when you succeed and you can’t do that when you are down and out from being overworked, and stressed out. Eamon Chelsea. The next business I would like to feature is Onyx and Evergreen Travel by Megan Vatinstall. Megan Vatinstall is a bismarck board and dedicated dreamer and entrepreneur who plans a bucket list dreams for a living. She is the founder of Boutique Travel Agency, Onyx and Evergreen Travel, and specializes and curating authentic experiences for the curious traveler. When asked how she prioritizes herself and her well-being as a entrepreneur, She says the best thing that I did for my personal happiness and balance was take email notifications off my phone. As a sole entrepreneur of two businesses, it can be very easy to get bombarded with questions, messages, and ideas from clients on multiple sources including Instagram messages, emails, texts, Facebook comments, messages, etcetera.
In order to ensure I give my clients and my family the best of me I’ve set boundaries in place to maximize productivity and joy. In terms of prioritizing myself, I enjoy reading Colleen hoover books, cuddling hardkitties, and I try to spend as much time as possible with friends and family, and my goal this summer is to take midday break for walks in the sun. When asked if there was anything else she would like to share that would be helpful or supportive, she said that You shouldn’t, don’t compare your starting step to someone’s top shelf. Take one step at a time as the goal is much closer than you think but don’t forget to practice gratitude for how far you’ve come. I love that too. Don’t compare your starting step to someone’s top shelf. And we do often forget to pause and consider how far we’ve come, especially as women small business owners. So thank you Megan for sharing those thoughts. Moving on, the next small business. Honor I would like to feature is Solly Frank of Cagier GEO Consulting LLC, which I hope I’m saying that right. K a j a e r, Geo Consulting LLC, and she says that Kajera is a North Dakota based woman owned technical consulting business that specialize and geospatial information systems, or GIS. Our services include mapping, data management, survey support, drawn technology, report production, and technical and theoretical training. When asked how she prioritizes her self and her well-being as an entrepreneur, she says, speaking for myself as one of the cofounders of her business, I feel that we prioritize personal connections within our team that includes discussions con concerning our families, faith and health. When asked if there was anything else she would like to share that would be helpful or supportive, she added that she tries my I try my best to take notes Of almost every discussion I have with those I work with, so I can make a proper assessment of what is going on professionally and personally with those who work closely with me, I admit that the management of the notes is not always the most efficient, but it does allow an opportunity to be more intentional with each connection I make. And that’s actually a great tip for those who have teams of people to take notes if you have to to check-in with your staff and other people on your team asking, you know, genuinely how their family is, how their health is, you know, if their struggling in some way. I think it’s, you know, as far as mental health awareness, it’s been just like My guest in last week’s episode shared Lisa shared Lisa Sugarman, you know, it’s all of our responsibility to check-in on each other. And so I thought that was a great tip from Solly to share. And last but not least, We have Amanda Mogan from Dakota Dream Destinations LLC, and Dakota Dream destinations is your trusted travel agency for unforgettable adventures and heartfelt journeys. Let us guide you on a path to discovery and healing. And how she prioritizes herself and her well-being as an entrepreneur. She says as an entrepreneur. Prioritizing myself and my well-being is crucial for sustaining both personal and professional success. I carve out time for self care practices like meditation, exercise, and spending quality time with loved ones. I also set boundaries to ensure a healthy work life balance and delegate tasks when necessary to avoid burnout. Ultimately, I recognize that taking care of myself allows me to show up as my best self for my business, clients, and community. When asked if there was anything else she would like to share that would be helpful or supportive, she says as a new business owner and travel agent, I found that these two things have been extremely helpful throughout my journey for the life, for the business, and life. Continuously learn, and build strong relationships. And I couldn’t agree more. I mean, I think entrepreneurship itself is a learning journey. I think you’re constantly learning something new, taken out of your comfort zone maybe. And entrepreneurship too in general is living out of your comfort zone because we have to do things like, speak on video sometimes or record audio. There’s one thing I’ve learned about using my voice. It’s using my voice in a way that I feel is impactful is what is aligned for me. And so this podcast has been a great outlet for me to share my mission in my passion as a small business owner, as someone who works with Grievers, and as someone with a message to share, which I think all podcasters who you know, continue the grind week after week, year after year, it’s because of a bigger mission, a bigger purpose, and a bigger impact that we want to have. And so I thank all of these five wonderful humans for sharing their tips with me and with you so I could bring them to you as small women I was gonna say small women. Women’s small business owners. But I do have three tips of my own. Which a lot of them a couple of them have been already stated, but which tells me it’s they’re really important. And I’ve been an entrepreneur since my very first business actually was a photography business. I started it when my after my second was born, And I started out just photographing, like, children. Actually, I started out with weddings. Well, just my kids. Right? And that’s how I think most photographers start out with their kids or out in nature or whatever. And I was kinda doing that and then I got bit by the bug and got asked to do a wedding and that that was kinda snowballed from there. So I started out in weddings professionally and then move to, you know, senior high school seniors and families and dabble into newborns really wanted to do new newborns, started them for a while, but it wasn’t that it really wasn’t where I phoned my my schtick, if you will. My favorite were high school seniors because they trusted me and they went along with all my crazy ideas. So I really was able to, you know, be creative and the high school seniors love that. So had that business for gosh. Well, I closed that in twenty fifteen. I think it was around it would have been around eight or nine years. Eight years. And when we moved, I we converted our garage into a studio, so I had had a photography studio. I used lighting. I did it in person ordering. Learned so, so much. And so many of the things that I learned in that business serve me today as far as QuickBooks. I learned QuickBooks through that business, taught myself QuickBooks, I taught myself Photoshop, taught myself Lightroom, taught myself photography, taught myself small business, and I didn’t have here’s my one here’s one tip is I did not seek out support and did not network and connect with other, like, minded businesses at that time. Other small business owners And so that would be the one tip I would give off the bat is, you know, reach out for, like, minded people to, like, minded people who are, you know, account trying to accomplish a life’s goal of having a small business, and maybe that’s, you know, a dream, seeing a dream come to reality, and you know, the more support you have, the better. So I would have gotten inside out support much sooner in my entrepreneurial journey. But one other tip I would say is ask yourself, what are the resources available? So again, that kind of comes back to support, but people programs support. There are so many programs today, like even the women’s business center in you know, the I call it the big city. It’s like an hour and a half for me, and that’s the we’re the nearest the nearest Walmart is an hour and a half for me. If if that tells you anything about how rural I am, which as an entrepreneur in a very rural area, it can really feel isolating. It’s all the more important to seek out support and network with others. This was actually the first this women’s business summit was the first event I had actually attended since COVID, I believe. So just kinda getting back into that groove again and networking is kind of my goal for the remainder of this year, but definitely seek out support and resources. There’s you know, organizations such as score, which I think is across the United States. It’s and I believe that’s free. There are so many support resources for small business owners at your local government or local you know, business development agencies seek them out. They’re there for a reason. You know, be resourceful. That’s one of the things that I think has helped me and served me in my business journey is that I can I’m very resourceful. Second, delegate and outsource. One of the things I did not do in my first business was delegate or outsource anything. So I was it was a lot of grinding. It was a lot of grinding. And so one of the things I did early on in the business I have now is I brought on a virtual assistant and I was actually within the second going into the second year of my business. So we had she’s been with me now three years this past this March. And I’ve been training her and and she’s learned a lot of things too, a lot of new skills that she wasn’t you know, didn’t learn before, and she’s been with me now, like I said, for three years. So she’s learned, I’ve learned, and she’s indispensable. I I don’t know what I would do without her honestly. So that is that was huge. That was really huge for me because that freed up so much of my time to spend with my family, to brainstorm other ideas, to work on training, like getting certifications and doing other things, and starting this podcast and it it just really opened up more opportunity. So I would encourage that. And lastly, some of the other women mentioned it, but also scheduling personal time and blocking it out. I will actually look at my schedule And if I feel like I’m, you know, kind of feeling the squeeze a little bit time wise or I wanna spend more time with my family or I just need a break, I want some space in my schedule. I will block out time as being unavailable where people can’t schedule it. And that has really served me. And actually, as I’m, you know, working on working in my business, I’ve had to do that because there’s certain, you know, big if I’m working on a big project or something, I can be easily distracted. And so, you know, I dedicate I’ve been dedicating quite a bit of time by blocking it off to work in my business. You know? And And also, like I said, to when I need space and time for myself, and I don’t take appointments generally, I don’t take appointments at all on Sundays, you know, and speaking of as a one time photographer, like, weekends was I mean, that everyone wanted weekends, right, and weddings, and and that’s when my kids were, you know, little yet. So I don’t miss that. I don’t miss having my weekends, you know, devoted to other people. I mean, really, you gotta choose where your priorities are and and I I do think honestly, I do think it’s possible to have a photography business without working on weekends if you aren’t doing weddings for sure. But there’s plenty of Friday weddings now that’s actually become a hot thing because it’s cheaper. So it is possible in my mind to be a Monday Friday photographer and then also to outsource and delegate some of those things. So if I were to start a photography business today, it would probably look it would look quite a bit differently. I would still do in person ordering and I would still do have the business model I did But, you know, how I do it would probably be different. But it’s so important to schedule personal time and to block it out. And if you go in advance and block it out, you know, or people can’t schedule it, it’s yours. You know, it is yours. Because it’s easy to say, you know, I’m just gonna take this time and put it in a day calendar or, like, write it on a calendar, but if you have a booking or scheduling, online scheduling calendar, and you block it out and no one can book it? That is how you schedule your personal time and block it out. It’s been huge for me. In my business. So I definitely would recommend that as well as what other the other women had shared about scheduling your personal time. You know, if you wanna take a yoga class, schedule it in, put that time in as private, and and stick to it.
Really? Can’t feel, you can’t, what does they say, you can’t give from an empty cup. Right? So, especially as muncturors, bonus entrepreneurs. You got a lot of hats that you have to wear. And so I hope that this episode was helpful to you. Rising tides do lift all boats and as small business owners. Who are women owned small businesses, it’s important that we support each other and forage those connections because it can be a lonely space. So thank you so much for listening. If you have any feedback for this episode, I would love to hear it. There’s actually a way you can do that. You can send me a message. If you’re on Spotify, I believe that is. And leave a five star review if you thought this content was great and you want more of it. I would love to feature more small businesses in this way. As far as, like, with grief too, like, grief and small business, like, I think that would be another great topic. For the podcast. And if you are on board for that, let me know. Until next time, remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Grief, Grieving Voices Guest, Healing, Spirituality, Suicide |
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
- On this episode of Grieving Voices, I welcomed David Chotka, founder and director of Spirit Equip Ministries. With four degrees and extensive experience as a pastor and conference speaker, David shares insights from his journey through grief personally and within his community.David discusses the challenges pastors face daily in dealing with grief within their congregations. He recounts his first funeral service—a daunting task for someone who had not yet experienced personal loss—and how that “baptism by fire” shaped his understanding of mourning.Our conversation turns to David opening up about a pivotal moment when he lost his brother to suicide. This tragedy occurred just as he was adopting a daughter, adding complex layers to an already emotional time. Despite having to maintain composure for important church services amidst this personal crisis, David candidly describes how the event left him grappling with questions about faith, forgiveness, life after death, and God’s mercy.
In a powerful account of healing in nature two years after his loss, David shares an epiphany that brought peace back into his soul regarding eternal destiny while walking through the Heartlake Conservation Area and reading Psalms 130.
The conversation also touches on navigating sudden losses like suicides within families—emphasizing compassion over judgment—and offers comfort to those wondering about loved ones’ fates after such actions.
Finally, David speaks on divine appointments—the idea that God orchestrates encounters where we can give or receive something significant—and gives listeners insight into finding meaning in seemingly random moments.
This heartfelt discussion provides solace for anyone grieving, highlighting the importance of spiritual guidance during one’s darkest hours.
RESOURCES:
CONNECT:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Finding Peace and Understanding in the Midst of Grief: The Journey of David Chaka
Grief can be a bewildering labyrinth, often leaving us grappling with profound questions about faith, life’s purpose, and our own resilience. In this heartfelt episode of *Grieving Voices*, we were graced by the presence of David Chaka—a man whose personal journey through loss and his role as a spiritual guide offers both solace and insight into navigating the murky waters of sorrow.
David is not just any guest; he brings with him an extensive background as the founder of Spirit Equip Ministries, an authorship that spans five books on spirituality, decades spent pastoring souls seeking comfort, and a voice that has echoed internationally across podiums dedicated to faith. His tenure as chair for the Christian Missionary Alliance’s prayer team in Canada has shaped countless lives—including his own.
Personal Encounters with Grief
When grief knocks on one’s door personally, it carries a different weight. For David Chaka, losing his brother to suicide was such an encounter—one that shook his beliefs to their core yet also led him down a path where he found deeper roots within his faith. He shares how these moments have been pivotal in understanding salvation—not as a checklist but as an intimate relationship with God—a concept offering great comfort to those mourning loved ones lost under tragic circumstances.
Unplanned Moments Leading To Life-Changing Outcomes
In what could have been seen merely as logistical frustration—the no-show moving van—David found friendship and vulnerability while stranded in Elizabeth’s empty apartment. This unexpected delay blossomed into marriage—a reminder that sometimes life’s detours are divine appointments in disguise.
His education under Dr. Gordon Fee further exemplifies this theme—unexpected influences shaping one’s spiritual perspective profoundly. And when called upon to pray for healing against all odds for a fellow student facing deathly illness? The result was nothing short of miraculous—an affirmation reinforcing David’s belief in being open to divine guidance despite personal doubts or hesitations.
Faith Amidst Everyday Life
The stories shared by David resonate deeply because they mirror everyday experiences where faith intersects ordinary moments—like Peter, James John catching fish beyond their wildest dreams at Jesus’ bidding or like ‘Bible-thumper Bob’, whose cancer recovery showed glimpses of heaven before its eventual return grounded us back to earthly realities.
These narratives aren’t just tales; they’re testaments reminding us about responsiveness towards God’s call—even when it seems illogical—and maintaining hope amidst uncertainties inherent in human existence.
Healing Pathways & The Presence Of God
In discussing pathways outlined alongside Maxie Dunham regarding healing prayers—from instantaneous miracles to enduring suffering—it becomes evident that encountering God isn’t limited by specific outcomes but rather defined by walking alongside Him through various journeys toward healing or closure.
David emphasizes experiencing God not only through words but also through non-verbal communication—the peace and joy brought forth even during tribulations signifying His ever-present Holy Spirit guiding our steps towards righteousness irrespective of surrounding chaos.
Extending Love In A Troubled World
As listeners absorb these powerful insights from *Grieving Voices*, it reinforces the notion that living out our calling involves extending love amidst imperfections—not allowing negative church experiences or disillusionment obstruct access to what lies beyond hurt: unconditional love from our Creator capable transforming pain into purposeful engagement within His kingdom here on earth.
For those inspired by this conversation who yearn for more depth within their spiritual walk—you’re invited over at spiritequip.com where you’ll find resources bridging denominational divides while nurturing your inner self for an enriched communion with divinity.
We leave you pondering 1 John 3:2—the promise transformation upon truly seeing God—as we await future content including audiobook chapters promising continued nourishment for your soul-searching quests.
Indeed embracing oneself leads towards fulfillment—but let us remember it is often intertwined intricately with embracing faith even when faced with life’s inevitable grieving voices.
Episode Transcription:
Victoria Volk: Thank you for tuning in to this episode of grieving voices. Today, my guest is David Chotka. He is the founder and director of Spirit Equip ministries, an organization devoted to developing training resources. Author of five books, a season pastor, and a conference speaker David has four earned degrees and travel has traveled and taught in countries to groups large and small. He has served as chair of alliance pray, the prayer equipping team of Christian missionary alliance in Canada for more than twenty years and is now committed to serving those who want to develop Their spiritual disciplines one small step at a time. David is married to Elizabeth and together they have two adult children and for fun he plays the piano. Thank you so much for being here.
David Chotka: Thank you, Victoria, for having me on your podcast. I it’s a delight to be here. And
Victoria Volk: I think you are the first pastor I’ve had on the podcast. I’m pretty sure.
David Chotka: Wow. On a topic like grieving, that’s really quite amazing.
Victoria Volk: I think so.
David Chotka: Well, because
Victoria Volk: meetings Two hundred episodes in.
David Chotka: So Wow. But listen, pastor, every day of the week, somebody’s grieving in their churches. Yeah. And they’re coming alongside people, you know, somebody’s died young, somebody’s died old, somebody’s died in between, and that grieving’s reality, left right and center for people like me.
Victoria Volk: I could be wrong. I’m approaching two hundred episodes, so that’s quite a few to go to remember up here and my memory isn’t as sharp as it used to be either. So just going off my memory, I think so. And I think, you know, initially, this podcast did start for grievers who are open to sharing their grief stories.
David Chotka: Mhmm.
Victoria Volk: And, of course, as a pastor and a minister, you have grief too.
David Chotka: I do. Yes.
Victoria Volk: And that’s really what is that what led you into the work that you were doing? Or What can
David Chotka: I What what led me into the work I’m doing was that’s there’s a remarkable call story that that didn’t actually I should tell you about my first experience of doing a funeral because I had had no losses? So my when I it was the call to the ministry was because I suddenly realized that that was what the Lord wanted me to do. And there’s a long and convoluted story attached to that that and some of that some of those details are just being written now into a little sample that I’m creating called the call. I wanted to put that out. But actually, I haven’t told this story in a podcast. So let me tell you about the first time I wind up doing a funeral. So the denomination I was in, you’re in the states, you’re American. Right? Okay. So it will be like being a night methods down the state. So I was and the in the trajectory there, we were sent to to churches that would have us over the summertime. We we go to school for eight months that we’d be under the tutelage of a pastor locally over the summer season. He’d take a little vacation. We’d spell him off. That kind of thing. But most of his time would be spent teaching in mentoring us. And so I got to my very first ever summer field. And the the pastor there had decided to take his vacation, and there was a methodist lay preacher from England in his congregation. And he said, look, if you’re in trouble, you can call up Ray over there. He’s he’s e stepping in for me all the time when there’s trouble. And so he said, but just in case, you need to walk down the street and there’s a lady there named Joyce. We haven’t had a funeral in this town. It’s a young town. We haven’t had a funeral list down in four years, but Joyce was the one who always does all the arrangements. And if something should happen, if there’s a car accident or something like this, You can always just call up Joyce and she’ll make sure everything’s good. So I went down the street, and I visited Joyce. And her and her husband were very cordial and very kind and nice to me. And we had a wonderful evening visit. And then then I I went to meet Ray, and I had a great chat with Ray. Ray took a one week vacation and enduring the one week vacation when the other passenger was on vacation, Joyce died. So I had to I had never had a loss. So my very first ever experience of doing a funeral was the lady who took care of doing funerals when both the pastor and the late preacher were weighed. So I wound up talking to one of the elders and there’s a lady in that church who was a leader in the congregation. And she worked like crazy to try and figure out what to do. And, you know, they call different pastors from all across the region. And in the end, you know, we figured this thing out and got it done. But, I mean, it was really hard for me because I’d never personally, at that point in the game, I’d never had to face death. It wasn’t until years later that I had a personal loss. But So it was a bit of a comedy of errors to get started like that. But that actually, there were four funerals in two weeks. Four funerals in two weeks. And they hadn’t had a funeral in that church in four years. And when the lead guy was away, the student minister got four funerals. So It was a crazy kind of a thing. Anyway, the day when the day was all said and done, I learned a lot from people who were on the other side of grieving, and that was, of course, my first experience. Of burying someone. I’d never done that before. And you can see the change in expression that there was a moment. And all four of those, and these are my no. Within two weeks, I watched this. Every time the body was lowered into the ground, that was the moment. Where the loss became real, just absolutely crystal clear clear real. And that for me was the moment when I realized that if you’re gonna extend care, that’s the time. You come along and you stand with somebody who’s in trouble when that when that casket goes down and they’re still there and they start to cry. Sometimes they want you there, sometimes they don’t want you there, sometimes you you touch their elbow gently. Sometimes you just hold off and wait until they want to say something. I agree. The way I describe it, you can is this an audio visual one or just visual is this just audio?
Victoria Volk: It’s both.
David Chotka: It’s both. Okay. So I’ll I’ll describe it for the audio people. It’s like you put your hand on their their waist and pull them close while you put your hand on their face and push them away. There’s this They don’t know if they want company or if they want to be alone. And sometimes in two seconds, their view changes. Right? Because grief is a weird animal life. I described it as a strange animal. Never know when it’s gonna purr where it’s gonna bite you. You’re just not sure. So that was that was my very first ever experience of dealing with death and my own my own personal loss came when my brother took his life. He was I I just adopted my daughter. We discovered that we could not my wife would be in danger if we had a second child. We had one born biologically.
And then it just became clear that it almost killed her. Just about killed him too, that both of them just about died. So I guess you could call that grief too because I realized we could not have another. And there was a long journey toward adopting that to happen in the middle of that. And, you know, and we actually vastly I’d be ready to adopt a she wouldn’t. And my wife would be ready to adopt and I wouldn’t. And it was this kind of up and down kinda crazy thing where we were navigating our own emotions, not quite sure what to do with this. And then in the course of time, We adopted her daughter. But just as we adopted her, my younger brother, who had been unsettled all of his days, we we were told in the adoption, what you have to do is you have to, you know, you know, how to say this. You close the doors to everybody except your nuclear family so that you can bond to the child for a good month, a month and a half. We adopted her when she was a year old and she had to rebound to us. And so we had there’s a whole bunch of adoption strategies that you do in order for that child not to feel abandoned by the foster family that they had, etcetera, etcetera. And we had to do that. And so we didn’t see anybody for a month. And then then the social worker told us that the best course of action after that is to introduce your new family member to your immediate family and my parents and my brother lived about an hour and a half away. So we got in the car, we drove down. And we had a beautiful magical, wonderful, glorious day with my brother who had been pretty troubled about lots of things. It was it looked like the the the page had turned and so on. And I was in a new church. I had been the pastor of that church from September right through to that time, which was March. It was the day before a good Friday. I don’t remember the number of day. I just remember the emotion of the event when my dad called and said that my brother had killed himself. Inside my parents home. Mhmm. And I had to get in the car and cancel my Thursday night service. It was gonna be my very first one in that congregation. I had to help my dad grieve while his dead body was in the house, and then they called the police. I had to call the police to make this thing happen. And I watched them take the body out of the home. And that oh, man. Then I had to do good Friday, then I had to do a resurrection Sunday because I didn’t have a capable associate to be able to handle those services, and then I hit the wall and just began to cry in. No pastor wanted to be a guest on Good Friday or you’re sending because they were all busy. Right? These are they’re all that’s the highlight of the church here. And I had to moner on through this kind of awful shock and did. I did what I had to do and thank the Lord. I had already prepared my messages and I simply had to work through whatever whatever was happened. I did tell my church, I just had been through this traumatic thing. If I get crazy here, if I do something odd, forgive me. I’m gonna molt I’m gonna get through these these two services. And then I’m gonna find somebody to take that service a week after, and I just need to stop. And to old man was it hard. It was just hard. But the the hard thing about that one was the suddenness. He was thirty nine. And he he played you know, I got a little son at that point, and he was picking up my son and wrestling with him and putting him in a tree and climbing a tree and walking along the fence tops. And We went to a baseball diamond and threw a ball back and forth with him while we were wheeling our new daughter up and down the the sidewalk as she was getting used to this beautiful spring day. It was a gorgeous lovely memory. Suddenly destroyed by this experience of somebody taking his life. And oh, and and then I and of course, in in the context that I’m in, I had no choice except to speak well and highly about, you know, about the the the the violation of Jesus on the cross and then the joy of the resurrection. While I’m in this anguish about what to do with my brother who’s who’s left a son behind and a wife and and he’s dead. And my parents who don’t know what to do. So that was my first significant loss. That was the first one that we I mean, I had friends who died and I had buddies who died and I had lots of parishioners who passed away and I had to bury a little two year old who died in a wounds tumor.
That was the first one that really hit my heart, but in terms of my personal life, that one. And, you know, it was like, I I I just and listen, I the last two funerals that I have done, and I’m a pastor and you do them every now and then, And the last two in a row were were her suicides. One of a guy, twenty nine years old, left his beautiful wife and son. And the the kid was, like, six months old. And the other was of this family that I knew from years ago, I was visiting Vancouver. And this funeral was gonna happen, and the widow asked if I do it because I had been significant in their lives back in the day. And both of them were, you know, it’s irrational when this kind of thing happens. It doesn’t make any kind of sense. So how do you navigate that? How do you how do you I’ll just tell you that with the with the suicide personally, it was like the sky was gray for the next two years.
Even if it was a beautiful warm, sunny, gorgeous day. And my home was about two blocks from a conservation area, it was kinda nice to be there. And I I started to do what I, you know, long walks and I started and I I don’t know what you do with with grief. For me, I have to speak. I can’t just sort of sit there and stuff it. I can stuff it for a week and then I explode with speech. That’s what happens to me. So I would go for these long walks and make sure that nobody was around that that I’d talk out loud while I was doing this walk in this conservation area. And for me, faith is is part of the answer, but it didn’t answer all my questions because, you know, I I said Is he gonna have it? Is he gonna have it? He took his life. That’ll shout not kill. Is that real? And what about it? Did he throw it away? Did, you know, did this is this is the stuff that goes through the brain with somebody who’s had a sudden loss like that. And, of course, if you’ve done two hundred podcasts, you know, people from all different stages and stages, whether they have faith or don’t have faith. They they wanna know what’s the destiny of the lost here. Is is there an afterlife? Is is it exists or is it just illusion? Is it real? Well, what about? Is there a god? What is this guy in the presence of that god? Or is there a devil?
You know? Why did this crazy guy do this crazy thing. And all those crazy thoughts, I’m sure you’ve heard them in two hundred podcasts. But I remember the moment, I was walking through the Heart Lake Conservation area, two blocks from my home. And I was reading the psalms, and I got to Psalm, I think it’s one hundred and thirty, and the the text of the psalm was this. Lord, if you should count sins, no one could stand. I thought to myself, absolutely right. You know, as I’m I’m walking and refreshed and and I’m trying to get two things. I’m trying to get my head cleared. I’m trying to get past my emotional fog.And the sky was still great even though it was a beautiful glorious day in early spring. And there was just traces of snow in in the parts of the of the woodland where the the leaves had covered the snow, that kind of thing. The day was brisk and sunny. And I remember I was reflecting on that verse from that song. And my foot broke a stick in the pathway, and it went snapped like that. And my brother died by hanging. And I know that he went snap like that too, and it was an instant death and that kind of crazy thought was going through my brain. And then suddenly as that thing went snap, I said, well, life is just like that. You don’t know if you’re gonna be living or dying. You could step in the street and get killed by a car accident in a second. You know, not even be aware this crazy things happen. And then that scripture popped back into my head. And I thought to myself, do you know? When my brother was an idiot. It would take me two weeks to forgive him. And so and and then but I know this about God. If you were in the middle of a crazy, ridiculous, and even awful action like aptic suicide and you realized that you were wrong as a help, in a second God hears. And then I realized, God’s hands were better than mine, much better than mine. And then I said, alright. I can commend his soul to you. And, like, you know, I was participating in his in his burial. I mean, I did the service with the pastor from my parents’ church. And I I mostly said, but I read the scripture and participated in that thing. And then I, you know, but I had not it would that that the issue wasn’t closed for me. It wasn’t done for me. Until the moment when that twigs snapped. Two years out, walking through a conservation area, I realized in my hard heart, that it’s the the rest of the verses this. If the Lord should count sins, who could stand? Nobody. But with you, there is mercy. That’s the next line. And I said, okay, Lord, I get this. He called himself a believer. He was a lousy believer, but he called us a believer. Right? And so and so listen. He believed in the same God I knew. I am I know this about you God. I know your nature. If in a second somebody says help and cries out, you do. You’re like a dog with a bone. If somebody cries out to you for mercy, your mercy gets sent in the next fraction of a second. That’s not true for me or for most humans. Most of us need time to forgive. Most of us need time to work through the reconciliation steps that are involved in that. Not so with the god I love. And so that was the moment when suddenly the peace turned back inside my soul. When I realized that I’m not God and I’m not the judge and he’s a whole lot better at it than I am. And now I will make a comment because I want people to hear me loud and clear about this suside thing and the thing that I just raised. People wonder if thou shalt not kill this violent and if that ruins somebody’s salvation of them. Let me say this as tenderly as I can. In the Christian faith, actually in Jewish faith too, I can’t speak for the other ones. I’ll just speak for the two that I know well. Your relationship with the God that you love is the basis of your salvation. Not whether you’ve been an idiot at the end of your life.
Alright? Now let me be as clear as I can. I think suicide is the wrong thing to do for lots and lots and lots of reasons. I have stood with families. I just I’m standing with two right now, who just did this. And the person who takes their life usually thinks they’re doing somebody in favor, It’s not true. The whole chaos just sort of explodes. All around the husband, the wife, the son, the daughter, the cousins, the uncles, the aunts, the parents, the friends, the workplace, everything. Just spins out of control for a very long time, varying degrees depending on how much you were attached to the person. But when the day is done, it is not the answer that you want to embrace. That being said, for all the listeners out there who have lost someone through their speech. It is not the fact that somebody makes a snap decision and chooses that or even if they make a plan when they’re in some sort of a weird state of mind. It is the relationship you have that you got, you serve. That determines your internal destiny. So I that for what it’s worth, I I put that in front of your audience because I know people who listen to this particular kind of podcast are trying to figure out how to make sense after a loss.
That’s what they’re doing. So
Victoria Volk: Very well said. Very well said.
David Chotka: Well, listen, I live through it. It’s it’s I live through it. If it’s yeah. So in the last two services that I did, where I did these two burials for and and actually because he was young, and because he was married, because he had a son. I could speak to that.
In fact, I just I had what I call a divine appointment yesterday. It’s funny because, you know, I have things to do, places to go people to see the world to win all that kind of thing. And I have done this general for this lady. Her name is Shentel. And she was a friend of a friend of a friend who called me to do a funeral because they thought it was the right thing to do. And I didn’t have proper contact information for her. And so I wanted to do a follow-up and I had not been able to because I couldn’t And so, actually, this is a crazy thing. On Friday, I said, God, I need to follow-up with this woman. Shentel needs pass through care after the after the thing. She I I’d be in touch with her.
How do I do that? Amen. And the next day, I went to a little free show that was being offered down at the event center down the street. And I walked in and I didn’t even wanna be there. My daughter wanted to go that thing. And I went because I had to go, you know, like I said, and I sit down and Shatjel sits down beside the high pastor, Dave. And that’s in a city of two hundred thousand. Wow. So I made the connection yesterday. One of the things I teach is I pray for a divided appointment today. I asked the Lord to shape my circumstances so that I walk into something that I could not and did not plan. Where God gets the glory or where something is needed that I can contribute to or where I need to receive what I cannot receive unless I have the divine point. Because I know this. God is at work everywhere, absolutely everywhere. And when we can see one or two things happening, God is doing millions. God. But if I could if I could see one thing that God is doing and enter Internet, I know that I’m on the right track. And so when COVID started, I I started to pray that, okay, God, I want one divine appointment a day, at least one. And sometimes I’ll get three and four. But I don’t feel the day is complete unless I’ve had one of those because I’ve prayed that prayer. So that was my divine appointment yesterday. That’s what happened yesterday.
Victoria Volk: I love that. I absolutely love that. You know what? And you might call it synchronicities or what have you. Right? We don’t we often have these things these moments like you said like you shared that happen throughout our lives and maybe in our days. And we maybe pass them off as insignificant or might think of but they’re not.
David Chotka: You know, just they’re not old. No. It’s true. It’s
Victoria Volk: Or you might not even give much thought in the moment, but then later, like, that’s really kinda cool if that happened, but we we don’t think about of it just being, like, this
David Chotka: Divine in nature. I’ll I’ll just say, yeah. Yeah. That’s right. That God did that. I’ll do that. That’s right. I can just say with you. Every significant thing I’ve done in life, every single significant thing that has happened was not my idea. And including the girl that I married. So here’s you’re gonna have with the girl I married. This this is the craziest thing. My heart was broke when the girl that I wanted to marry married somebody else. And I was in tremendous grief. That was another grief that happened there. And so I wound up saying, God, oh, God help me. I’m I’m in a mess here. And so So I wound up going to a a bible school called Regent College in Vancouver to you. It’s a graduate level of seminary. And it had a training component for people who were in careers that didn’t have theological education wanted to do a year out. And so, and I was a pastor and I had I had two degrees before this and I had my third degree there. Anyway, it looked like I was going to school because I wanted to improve my myself. But the real reason I was going there because it was a safe place to be a wreck. And as it turned out, when I was gonna move, I was living in Alberta, and the school was in British Columbia. And there was a good twelve hour drive from one place to the other.
And moving costs are expensive and students don’t have a lot of money, you know, that kind of thing. And I was a pastor and they didn’t pay much, you know, so it’ll just be blunt here. So I was looking for the cheap skateway to move that one of the things across the country. And there was a lady in my congregation who was also moving to the to a different school, but she was going to Vancouver. And she knew somebody in Edmonton that she was gonna be a roommate with because she was moving to Vancouver.
And we started asking about costs, you know? And how can we, you know, how can we pay this thing? And I I I did three or four quotes, and she got three or four quotes. And I said to this lady Ruth, why don’t you find out what it would cost if we put our two households together? I don’t have much. I could shove it in your garage. And it was the same price. And so that meant half price for both of us if we did this. And then she talked to the third person, and it was about ten percent more to move three than it was to move one. And so that’s a significant savings. Right? So I put all my stuff inside Ruth’s garage, and then Ruth had it moved down to Edmonton, and then we, you know, then we moved from Edmonton to. And I and I what I did. I got myself a tent and a sleeping bag. And, you know, and I I tented across British Columbia because it’s beautiful.
You know what? Then what that was it was a solo vacation, but it was great people. Oh, men’s. It’s a gorgeous province. Beautiful lakes and rivers and streams and mountains and trees and all gorgeous outside. So anyway, I get all the way to Vancouver. And the plan was I would show up on the day of the move at ten o’clock in the morning, and I would help the movers get stuff into their their their share department. And then I would direct the driver across town to help move in my stuff. And We save a lot of money and praise the Lord. You know? So I show up. Ruth isn’t there because she has to finish her her teaching issues you teach her up in that position. And she had to finish out this thing. She had a summer school course, she was teaching. But Elizabeth and her cousin were there cleaning the apartment out, getting her ready for the move.
And I show up, and I walk in, and we shoot the breeze, and we wait all day, and the moving van doesn’t come. And we’re hanging together. And, you know, in those days, there were no cell phones. Right? And they had in Vancouver, they didn’t have closed in phone booths. They had little round things that you put change in. And if you wanna do a long distance call, that was a lot of nickels and dimes and quarters. So so she calls from that phone. It gets her dad and said, dad, did you call the company? And he said, okay.
And they said they had he had a breakdown. He’d be there the next day at ten in the morning. And, okay. You forget one day. You know, and they’re gonna pay her hotel cost, and I have a room to stay in with my cafe stuff, so I’m fine. Come back the next day. There’s no moving van. Third day, no moving van. Fourth day. No moving. Yeah. Now we’re in the better business bureau after these guys, you know, trying to track down where this truck is. And so then her Elizabeth’s cousin had to go back to work. I mean, she had she had four days off and she took the four days. And I’m sitting in an empty apartment without so much as a tea bag. We’re saying, you know, there’s we’re there’s nothing to sit on. There’s a stairway in what we took turns sitting on that. I had a camper chair that I brought in. And I’d sit in the camper chair or on the step and we’d alternate this. And we spent all day a single man and a single lady inside this part. And my heart was broke because the girl I wanted to marry married somebody else, you know what? And after about three days of this, of course, we don’t know each other with strangers. And I said to her, look, just for the record, I’m a pastor. No, by the way, anything with a high voice and discouraged. I am not interested at all. I am no desire. My heart is broke. I just don’t wanna do this. And she heaped a big sigh of relief, and she said, well, for the record, I had an old boyfriend and he stalked me. And it was terrible. We had to get the police after him. I said, oh, brother. Well, look, I have two brothers. I had two brothers. That I no. I’m really my stolen. I have two brothers. And I don’t and my mom comes from a very conservative traditional Ukrainian household. She wears a head covering and walks behind my dad. Canadian girls aren’t interested in that. Neither American girls and most girls on Earth aren’t anyway. And so she said, I said, look, I don’t understand females at all. And she said, look, I have two sisters and my dad’s quiet. My mom ran the house and, you know, I don’t understand males at all. I said, look, I need a sister.
And she said, well, I need a brother. Thank you very much. And so we decided to become friends because we’re stuck in this apartment. We were there for ten consecutive days, ten days in that empty apartment. And finally, the guy showed up. And as it turned out, he had decided he was a casual driver who was hired by the moving company, and he put his son in the in the van to go through the BC interior. And he said, this is beautiful. I’m going fishing, and he took his son fishing for ten consecutive days with our stuff in the back of his And so I wound up meeting this lady and getting to know her. And, of course, by the time you get to day four or five, you start sharing deep things. See?
We have no choice. We’re stuck in that room. So in the course of time, I married the girl. But it’s that that’s how it started. It wasn’t even a planned thing. And every and listen, that’s the most important decision in life you can make who’s gonna be your life partner. And I I wasn’t my idea to be stuck in an empty apartment for ten days, you know, waiting for a moving bed. Being forced to have a conference when I was not I was still tender and broken over my own thing, you know, this this whole thing with this girl with married somebody else. And she was in the same as it turned out, this this whole thing turned into. First of all, who are you? To, oh, I guess we’re gonna be friends. Oh, let’s let’s get each other’s back while we’re in the middle of this. I actually prayed with the girl about girls I could take out when my heart started to saw. And then the course of time, she got mad when I gave him one of those names, and she picked dandelions out of the front yard for four hours while she realized she loved me. Then she told me, and then we got married and so on. But regardless of this, it was this it that and, actually, even the school that I wanted to go to, I didn’t so I wanted to go going there. And I had this desire to study your particular book of the bible where there’s a high concentration of holy spirit and unclean spirit language. And I discovered to my great surprise nobody had done the research on that. In all of scholarship, from, you know, five hundred years out, did nothing in French, German, or English. And I wound up going to that school because I like the school, but the guy who was assigned to me was writing the very first book in human history on that topic. And I didn’t choose the guy It was doctor Gordon Fee who wrote this anthology on the holy spirit in the Pauline literature. And I am in that book, but again, I didn’t know who the guy was I was looking for a competent scholar in a good school. That’s all I was doing. And the next thing, you know, I’m with the world’s finest, Paul and spirit scholar, best one on the planet. He’s gone to his reward now, but I will tell you his works are groundbreaking. We wind up being the head of the new international commentary series of the new testament. He wound up writing a huge anithology and holy spirit and a smaller one, they became standard reading in every seminary across the earth. And but I I didn’t try to do that. It was it wasn’t my idea. You know, anyway, the point I’m making here is that in the realm of faith, the intangible is always around us.
Always. You can cooperate with god’s movement, or you can fight it. Now, actually, the the helium prayer book that I wrote, I didn’t make up plan to write a book on healing prayer. It wasn’t me. In fact, the way I wind up doing my first ever healing prayer wasn’t my idea either. And so let me I’d love to tell you that story. Can I can I tell you that story? Sure. Okay. Well, here’s what happened. So I was a seminary student in my tradition. And and and my tradition was a mixed bag of people. There’s some who are what they call supernaturalists and some who are our cessationists believe those gifts of the spirit of cease. And some who said, oh, by the way, that was a pre scientific culture. And they didn’t know how else to describe it. So they attributed to God what was, in fact, a natural phenomena, that kind of thing. Yeah, these three streams going into the school. And I remember going into and we’re a new cohort, you know, and there’s a whole bunch of us that are all excited about going into the ministry and training. About thirty five of us who were swapping notes. And then after about two weeks to figure out who’s in which camp. Right? So, anyway, I I go into the class, and one of the props says this thing about Jesus walking on the water. He said, oh, as a pre scientific coach, and we know that Jesus didn’t actually walk on the water. And I said, wait a minute. I wanna just take a moment here and tell you, I really do believe that he did. It’s it’s I know it defies science and logic. And I’m a science guy, my best marks for science and physics and math and biology and so on. But I believe in the miraculous. And there was a guy in the class who was a first class jokester that the guy was hilarious. All you’d have to do is look at your sideways and the whole room would explode and laughter. And if he told a joke, then it was, how do I describe it? It’s like throwing a humor grenade into the room, waiting for the explosion to happen, and everybody would laugh so hard, it would hurt. You know? So I I say this thing about the miracle being true. And this guy cracks a joke, and everybody in the room starts to laugh. But the joke was at my expense. He was making fun of my believing that Jesus walked in water. Right? So anyway, whether you believe in that or not, this is beside the point for the sake of the story. So here we go.
So I go into one class after the class after the class. And whenever there’s one of these moments where the scripture is being said, it’s it’s not really true or it’s not historically accurate or this is primitive culture or whatever. I would defend scripture and the guy would tell joke. And this went on. It’s been on for months. Right? And I I then there came a defining moment and I said to myself, Yep. I’m never gonna be his friend. It’s not gonna happen. And I had a great class three times when we had to cross the class and was held at a different school. And one day, I was walking across this plaza, and there was a lovely classmate. And I called her Susie in the book. I’ve lost touch with her, but I I grew up in in I don’t have a permission to use it really, but she stops me and she says, David, how are you doing? And she and I’ll just tell you about this girl. She was a very sweet kind, other centered person. You know, that phrase do what others should have them do what to you. That was her write down to the toe nails. Always always others centered, always kind, always consider it. Always well mannered, always, you know, how do I say this?warmly caring. That’s the best way to describe it. Anyway, I’m walking across this class and I said, hey, Susan. How you doing? Said, I’m fine. I’m going to my Hebrew. I said, I’m going to my Greek. And she said, oh, okay. Hey, you know the class committee. I said, oh, yeah. I know. And she said, well, you see that hospital? Six blocks down. And I said, yeah. She said, well, he’s in there. And actually, I I just have to say this victory. I didn’t feel bad for about two minutes. So I had to abandon my stinking Ozzie attitude. Right? Now she didn’t see that, but it was going on exactly. Anyway, Finally, I looked at her. I said, oh, listen, what’s up? And she said he has phlebitis. I said, what’s that? And then she described it. She said, he’s got a clot in his arm. It’s in his vein. If the clot breaks free, it’ll travel to one or three places, the brain, the heart, or the lung. If it gets to any of those, you’re dead ninety five times out of a hundred. And I thought, oh, man, that’s bad. I said, I’m so sorry. Is he getting good care? You know, in Canada, healthcare is free. So I said, is he getting good care? He said, yeah, he’s in the hospital, now it’s university hospital. It’s a good one. I said, oh, okay. And I said, well, okay. Thanks for telling me. And she said, wait, I have something to say to you from him. Yeah. I went to see him and he asked me to ask you something. I said, oh, what do you ask? She said, he wants you to come and pray for it. I said, what? What kind of craziness is that? And so you know, and I said, I’m not going. And she said, why aren’t you going? I said, you have seen it. He’s been cruel. He’s mocked me in front of our peers on a regular basis. Every time I just say anything about the scripture being historically accurate, you know. And so and so she said, you know, he has been cruel. I said, yeah. Said, okay, I’ll talk to him. I said, well, I’m not going that way, I went to my class. And the next day, I see her in the coffee lounge in school.
Right? And we’re shooting a braze about this type of thing. And she said, well, listen, I I went see the Canadian in the hospital. And he’s terribly sorry that he did what he did to you. Would you go and see him? I said, I’m not going. Because now, There were three reasons why I wasn’t going. Number one was the one I’ve made to you. He mocked me in front of our peers, and it it it hurt. It really did hurt. The second was that I had never met anybody healed by what the Bible calls the prayer faith. I didn’t know anybody. I’d seen the crazies on television, slapped people on the forehead, screaming. And throwing hankies in the air. But I think that was a helpful model. Now the third thing is, I did I had not been trained in this. I didn’t I received no training. I didn’t know and I didn’t know if it was for today or not. I just didn’t know. But, you know, so I I I just told her I’m not going. And the next day, I’m walking across the same three times a week Plaza. And there she is going to her class. And she said, oh, by the way, did you go and see our friend in the hospital? I said, I’m not going. Now, Victoria, have you ever been told off by your mother? This is what the girl looked like. You know what I’m saying that you you get the fire in your eyes and you get the anger. Coming out of your pores and, you know, this girl outside in front of a crowd of people who are walking by, yelled at me at the top of your life. So he stopped her foot. The fire came out of her, you know, her visits, you know, and she gave that meeting. She used my middle initial. She knew a middle initial. She said David, our shotgun. Aren’t you gonna no. Aren’t you going around this school saying that the Bible is the word of God that’s supposed to be obeyed? I said, yes. She said, well, how about this? I was sick and you visited me. That’s what the Bible says. That’s what Jesus says and I thought, oh, No. We’re gonna have to go and see the guy. I’ve fell below eleven in my center. And I thought, okay. I’ll go. But it says sick and visit.
It doesn’t say sick and prayed. She said, whether it’s visitor, whether it’s prayed, he asked for you to go. So go. So I finished my class. Then I walked to six blocks.
I got to the hospital many times. And he was in a bad way, just, you know, he had monitors on him and, you know, the the tubes were going into his arms and and the sound the beeping sounds of the monitors were happening every couple of, you know, couple of minutes and The nurse chargers walked in drop, so medication watched him take it, you know, in the short time I was there. Anyway, he’s why does it go? He’s obviously terrified. And, you know, he and he told me that the clot had not shrunk.
It was still large. And I so I talked to him about the weather. Because I didn’t know what to do. I’d never done it before. Greer than your average rookie, you know, just just did not a clue. So I did the visit thing. I I talked about the weather. Then I asked him about his coursework and he was keeping up. And I said, well, I visited you now. I can go.
And he stopped and he looked at me and he said, wait. Aren’t you? Aren’t you gonna pray? And I said before I even consider that question, I have to ask you one of my own, why? Every single time I’ve said anything about the miracles of Jesus and healing or about the Lord’s miraculous life or about the cross being serious about the resurrection or anything to do with the faith. You have made me a laughing stock. Why? Do you want me to pray for you? And he burst into tears and he began to weep and he said, I’m twenty seven years old, the clock is big in my arm. If that clock breaks free, I’m dead.
That I don’t want to die. Won’t you please pray? Let your god heal me. And I mean, what are you gonna do? I mean, it was obvious the guy really didn’t mean it. But I still had not a sweet clue. What to do? I’ve never been dragged. It’s only way. What I then I remember, oh, the Bible says Jesus put his hand on people. Right? They did that. So I said, well, look, can I come or can I put my hand over you? He said, yeah, you could do that. I said, which arm is it? He said left arm above the elbow. So I went around to his side, and I put my hand over his left arm. Right where that embolism was he said was located. And I put my other hand on his yet. And then I don’t know, honestly, to this day, I can’t remember what I prayed, Victoria. And I’m sure it was an honest prayer. But it was pretty pathetic. Oh, God helped something like that. And I but here’s what happened in the middle of that prayer. Well, I don’t remember the words, but I remember the defining moment. The room filled with presence That’s the only way I can describe it. It was like compassion, filled the air, married together with love and fire. And both of us looked because something had happened, you know. It’s it’s one thing to just have a little prayer and lead the robot. We both locked eyes and we knew something was happening. And then that fire filled my soul and I cried a hot tear in the corner of my right eye. And I felt this energy rising inside of me and focus. The only way I can describe this, total complete focus on him and on God’s love freedom and how the Lord wanted him to receive a miraculous healing. And so then I said, oh, God healed this, something like this. God healed this man, and while I had my hand on his arm, that energy float down my arm and went into his. He looked at me and he said, what is that fiery presence? I said, spirit of Jesus, he’s making you well. And I ran out of the room right after that. For a lot of reasons, never one and never my life felt anything like that. Never.
Secondly, I didn’t know if I was even supposed to pray that way. Because I’ve not resolved the issue theologically. I I just didn’t know. And thirdly, I was terrified he was gonna make be. And I didn’t know if he’s gonna be. I mean, all these reasons are floating in my head to run out of the room. The next day, I’m in the school. And so is he? I said, you’re here? He said, I am. I said, what happened? And and then he he he it it was a nineteenth century stone building and he shoved me in one of these stone corners behind the column, and he looked in every direction, you know. Therese the floor hard everything. And then he said, that prayer. Changed my life. I said, thank you, and I ran away because I still I I I had the time to process it, you know? And then I went to my next class that he was in, we had three classes in common. And I said something that defended the scripture and he stood up to tell the joke. And he made fun of not believing. And the whole class exploded in laughter but the laughter was at the expense of unbelief, not faith. And he did that in rig class. I was with him, and then I heard from classmates that he was doing that in other classes where I was not present. And I didn’t know. So that story that I just told you, that’s in the healing prayer book that that prompted the conversation between you and I get on the the podcast here. So anyway, we had the summerfield thing and he I had to go away for four months and he walks up to me, he passes me a piece of paper with his phone number on it. And he says, if you’re in trouble, you’re trouble. You call me. You call me. I said, whoa. Okay. So I went to wait to wait to interview. Had a marvelous time, because it’s one of those times where you’re you’re looking at the new thing and you’re learning all kinds of marvelous things. And I learned how to preach a sermon, I learned how to visit people. I did I participated in a wedding, you know. Then I had four funerals. I had those four funerals. But the pastor wasn’t there and I learned how to do that. And then, of course, he came back from vacation way unpacked all the learning I discovered how to do various things. Anyway, I get back to school. And he walks up to me and he says, you didn’t call me. I said, I didn’t have any trouble. And he said, if you’re in trouble, you call me, you know, it’s always a little okay. Anyway, a couple months in, there’s a party for the students. Right? And we’re all gathered together, and we’re talking this and that. We’re just shooting a breeze. About nothing because if you do it apart, you have a little laugh, you know what? I was standing with him and his wife and this girl who had asked me in the first place. Because that girl and this man’s wife were great bunnies. Anyway, the two girls look at him and begin to get me elbow. You know, you’re you’re gonna have to tell Chuck what happened. Tell Chuck. Tell Chuck. Tell Chuck. He said, oh, I don’t wanna tell Chuck to what happened. And then eventually, he did. And he said, right after you left, the charters walked in. And I said, I can go home now. My friend from the bible’s book, he’s come here. He’s prayed in Jesus’ hand. And the charge nurse says, we don’t do things like that around here. We gotta run tests. He said, well, run the test then. And so they did because it was it was actually due for them. Every trace of phlebotis was gone from his body. And it had been big the day before every trace was gone. His wife picked him up. He was discharged from the hospital after all the tests confirmed that he was well. He went home and, of course, he’s thankful. Right? I mean, we’re we’re talking and he could have died and he’s well. And he kneels down beside his bed and he thanks the Lord. They go to bed and he prays before he sleeps. And he has a dream and in the dream, he hears a voice. And the voice says, my servant David defends the integrity of my word, and no one defends him. I’m gonna cry when I tell you this, when he defends the integrity of my word. You defend him. And he did for three years, all through that theological education. Thirty years later, thirty years after that event, he we changed I changed the nominations. He’s still in the scene over, but he contacted me.
I lost touch with him. And he said thirty years ago, he prayed for Jesus to heal my arre. Thank you that you did. I’m well. Three kids. Happily married. Finish she enters now retirement. He finishes ministry. Anyway, I I just asked you. Healing prayer was not my idea. It was a kiss so the reason the book is called God’s idea because it wasn’t my idea. It wasn’t this is not something that I decided that I wanted to learn how to do. It was something that I tripped into together with every other major thing that I’ve ever done in life. And actually learning how to breathe for the die. Wasn’t my idea? That the four funerals were of the late first one with the lady who was supposed to organize this, you know. So mean, it’s hilarious when you stop and think about it, but it’s it’s to deal with what you call pathos, this kind of strange emotion where you know you’re in the middle of something bigger than you. Much bigger than you. So, yeah, that’s and so the design appointment a day is an extension of that same principle. I want to be in something that I have not ordained, not established, not built toward. I mean, I want to do that too. I want to have a successful trajectory in what doing, etcetera, terror. That’s just ordinary life. But I want to know God’s involved in something. And so I ask him for those divine appointments each day. And he sends them. So I do believe in the power of faith to heal the breathing heart. I do. And the way that I describe the way God speaks is that he speaks nonverbally by presence. And that heals the broken heart. Let me tell you what I mean by that. There’s a text in the book of Romans. That’s, by the way, that’s the famous book from the from the apostle Paul, everybody who’s any kind of Christian reads Romans. It’s the if they call it the capital, that’s what because it’s the one that everybody refers to for all kinds of teaching. That is standard procedure in every branch of the Lord’s Church, whether you’re protestant or orthodox or evangelical or charismatic. They all say the capital of Pittsburgh’s Romans fourteen says this. Kingdom of God is not eating and drinking. Because they were arguing about eating and drinking. The kingdom of God is righteousness and peace and joy. In the holy spirit. And so the experience of knowing the lord through an encounter with the spirit produces three identity murders. Righteousness is a sweet walk with God, and peace is internal serenity despite external circumstance. And joy is internal celebration even when the world is flying apart. And when those three things wax large, and you find yourself in something you have not expected. That’s God talking. When you are praying find yourself in when those three things wacklired, and suddenly a stream of consciousness comes into your brain. To go and see so and so down the street. And you go when you discover there in a crisis moment. That’s God talking. When those three things diminish, that’s the hand of warning. Pay attention. And when they’re jarred, get out of the room. You’re about them correct. You’re about to walk into a disastrous business meeting. Get out of the room. This is God talking saying, this is big trouble right here. And I teach people how to pay attention to those three markers. And actually, to do more than just say, isn’t that a nice little coincidence? But to attribute that to God’s direct involvement in her lives. Because healing prayer is God’s idea. It’s not ours. Buraculous intervention is God’s idea, not ours. And it’s this is how scripture works. So, I mean, Can you imagine what it was like for Peter James and John and Xevity when they got called? I mean, they’re working in the boat. Jesus of Nazareth shows up there’s a miraculous catch of fish. You know, and let us I just wanna put I wanna illustrate that right in the sketch for you. They have found boats from that era owned by fishermen. That on average, they’re twenty seven feet long, they’re eight feet across and they’re four feet high. And two of those boats were sinking with the fish because they were filled to the brim. And so imagine you’re out there. You’ve worked hard all night. You’ve got nothing. You know you gotta pay your bills. You haven’t got enough money to pay the bills. And you’re washing your nets, repairing them because, you know, you gotta pay the bills. This is just not helpful. I know. So anyway, This guy shows up and says, throw your nets over there. Right? So they do and that they didn’t want to do that, but they did. And there were so many wrinkling tilapia in those two boats, then it touched their toes, it touched their ankles, it touched their knees, it touched it went up to four feet. I mean, I’m here. That much, and the boat is right at water level, and the other boat over there is doing the same thing. And then Jesus says, I want you to follow me. I mean, That was the Simon Peter’s idea. It actually says he throws himself down, but actually this is a tale of people who don’t know this. He has to throw himself down in the fish not on the shore because the boat had not yet come to shore. He throws himself down into a massive wriggling tilapia and he says to Jesus of Nazareth. I am not worthy of this. You are God, and I am not. And Jesus said to him, don’t be afraid you’re not gonna catch fish. You’re gonna haul in humans. That’s what you’re gonna do. Wasn’t his idea. Thank you very much. So that’s how that’s how I understand. Ministry. That’s how I understand care for people in grief.
Victoria Volk: I had a moment quite a few years ago there was a gentleman that died in my community. Okay. I think he was, I don’t know, late eighties, maybe even early nineties. A plumber by trade, new everybody, right, in the community.
David Chotka: Yep.
Victoria Volk: And I remember sometime before I passed away, we were sitting outside the bar.
David Chotka: I was
Victoria Volk: just sitting outside. It was a nice summer night evening or whatever, and I never really had a conversation with the guy before that.
David Chotka: Mhmm.
Victoria Volk: And he told me, I’m not even sure why, but he told me that the best thing he ever did was choosing to adopt his wife’s children as his
David Chotka: own. Okay.
Victoria Volk: Fast forward, I’m not sure how long after that, he passed away. Mhmm. But when he passed away, they had a celebration of life in the bar just, you know, everybody got together and things like that. And I just had this poll to go to the bar. I didn’t know who his kids were, didn’t know what they look like, to tell them what he said.
David Chotka: It changed their life. Right?
Victoria Volk: I don’t know. In the moment, I you know, I I did go and I did share what he shared with me.
David Chotka: Yeah. I
Victoria Volk: don’t know if they reflected on it after the fact or whatnot, but, you know, it was one of those things, like, it wouldn’t leave me alone. You know, like, I came home and
David Chotka: That’s him. That’s good. Yeah. Yeah. The fact that he should tell you in a happenstance, and that you that you should pass away shortly thereafter Mhmm.
And that you get commanded to go to that place, to say this, to a bunch of people you do not know.
Victoria Volk: Mhmm.
David Chotka: That’s him. Yeah. That’s hearing the voice. So you have heard the voice of Jesus. You’ve heard it.
Victoria Volk: I have several there I’ve had a lot of moments in my life. Even my marriage with my husband, like, we were friends for seven years. I was heartbroken and And I I’ve asked him, like, what made you, like, decide to pursue me? He really can’t answer that. Kind of funny because we hadn’t looked at each other, like, that way, you know, in a, like, in a the romantic way.
You know, we were friends for seven years.
David Chotka: Yep.
Victoria Volk: And and then all of a sudden, he was like this relentless consumer night and shining armor, you know. And I’d I’d I’d said one prayer. I just bring someone into my life who is good for me.
David Chotka: And the Lord heard you prayer.
Victoria Volk: And he heard my prayer. Yeah. Twenty plus years later, here we are. Three kids.
David Chotka: Well, so listen, though, the whole point of this podcast is to bring comfort to people who are distressed or in trouble. That’s the whole point of your podcast. I will say that the most important thing you can do is to straight up, some people have stroke trouble with faith, some people may break
Victoria Volk: down church. I did myself.
David Chotka: Yeah. Some people who had a bad experience in that catheter, some priest abused them or or maybe they’ve heard about that priest abusing their best friend and or they they were turned off by some bitter bibles number, you know, showing up pro bar in somebody. So nothing worse than that. Oh my heavens. Anyway, That the the point is it doesn’t matter where you are. The point is that don’t let a bad experience of some idiot. Get in the way of your accessing what is freely available to anyone who asks for it. One of my favorite scriptures is is found in the psalms. It says this God is near to the broken heart. So if you’re broken hearted, pray this very simple prayer. Okay? Your word says, so please send it. Please please come here. I’m Broken Heart. And the way that he shows up by presence is to manifest himself within, with this velvety smooth assurance of war, and behind your physical estate.
And I’ve I’ve tried to put words around this. And if you can say this better than can’t I will lift your quote. I’ll give you credit, but I’ll tell I’ll use it. This is so the way that I feel to mind presence, there’s this cognitive thing where you choose it and you say, oh, yes. Is fine and you make the decision that isn’t that nice, but that’s not that doesn’t cover the ground. There comes this moment inside where the believer knows inside their door. That’s the only way to describe this. Mhmm. There’s this awareness and it is other than you And it is something that is separate and distinct from you, but intrinsic to who you are because you said yes to him. And you sense this rising sense of fiery gentle presence and it’s a velvety smooth It’s assurance, it’s grace, it’s love, it’s yearning for more of him, and it’s settled contentness in who he is. Even if your circumstances are terrible. With the peace of God, which passes understanding, keep guard over your hearts and minds, In the knowledge and love of Christ, Jesus, so says the apostle Paul in the book of Philippians when he was in jail of all things. He was in jail when he wrote that he had a Roman guard chained to his wrist while he’s writing this stuff. I wonder what that Roman guard thought about the fact that the Apostle was writing this of just this. And he didn’t know he’s an apartment. He thought he was some guy who was upfront charges, you know, that kind of thing. And he writes about this experience of the internal presence with peace Staying like like a guard keeping watch over your door of faith. It’s like a soldier, a century standing at your door, walking back and forth. Making sure that the prisoner inside that space is content. That’s what I would ask people to consider doing to. Open their hearts up to that. Now, if there’s an atheist out there, my dad was an atheist. He became an agnostic, and then he became a Christian believer. He became a Christian believer because Jesus of Nazareth appeared to him. It was the most amazing kind of thing. And he’d suffered much. He had he’d lost a lot of his eyesight because of the childhood thing. He had scoped cold bottles in glasses. He then was treated by friends and family. And he didn’t believe that it was possible that people out there were actually kind of a gentleman’s suite. And then I became a believer. I was the first one in my family. Again, that wasn’t my idea. That wasn’t my dad’s idea either. Right? It was my mom’s idea. And when it was all set and done, my face impacted his existence course because that’s your kid. You got what he can do with this. You know, what school of the ministry is. What’s this crazy kind of thing? Be a dentist, be a doctor mix a month, you know? Be a lawyer. That’s that’s the immigrant story. So what there’s a Jewish joke or what’s the difference between a tailor and psychiatrist? One generation.
Anyway, getting back to this. He he couldn’t believe. And I remember praying for him three years. And then there was one critical moment where suddenly this whole thing changed. And he banging his head on a on a on a beam in one of our storerooms area and east war to jeez, his name to date. And the Lord behind him said, yes. And he turned around and he was eyes to eyes with the risen Lord. In the doorway of that storeroom, And my dad had agreed three education. And since because his eyes were bad when he was a little kid, but as they locked his eyes together, I he’s telling me the story is towards what is she and hardly speak and said, dad, What was that like? He said it was like I was looking into wells of love. He never talked that way. Grade three education, you don’t read Edison for fun. You’re not a Shakespeare fixinato. You’re not reading, you know, lawn failure. You’re not reading the wallwood or anything.
You’re you’re not you’re
Victoria Volk: I mean, he was an atheist.
David Chotka: Yes. Well, at that point, probably an agnostic. At that point, he kinda thought because of growing things regardless. Didn’t believe in that. And So apparently, he was looking at the Lord and I I’m he’s telling me the story about a week after it happened, trying to give words to this. Physically shaking. And then he I said, dad, what did you say? So if I told Jesus that I loved my son and he met me because I was the pastor, you know. And then Jesus said, I know this. And then he said to the Lord, I’m a sinner. And Jesus said, I forgive you. And he vanished. That’s how my dad came to faith. Wasn’t his idea. He banged his head on a beam. Took the Lord’s name in vain and the Lord appeared to him. I haven’t had a crazy kind of thing. So I’m a supernatural I believe from the power of the Lord to intervene in the flow of history, but I’m also a horse stance guy. I don’t believe that everybody you pray for sealed. I do believe that people die young. I do believe that sometimes people make bad bad bad mistakes and do terrible things they shouldn’t do. I do believe that crazy people kill others and so on and so forth. And there’s this thing where I do believe in the scientific enterprise and I do believe in the power of God in your v. And they flow in different channels. And some some faith traditions say you can never put these two channels together, and I completely disagree with that. Science works inside the framework of a world that is created, and God established those rules of creation. And so we, scientific enterprise, is only uncovering what lies fallow under the surface of the soil, and they endeavor to discover a trajectory of a particular sickness or affliction they find a cure or they find an adaptive therapy, you should take the gift. And every now and then there’s a miraculous intervention. And sometimes the two of them overlap like this beautifully. And sometimes they separate out and run-in different pathways, but regardless of this.
What I teach in the book and the reason I wrote the book, it’s a co write by the way. Co writer is a million selling author by the name of Dr. Maxi Dunnham. Have I got his yeah. Here’s his book. This book is the one that trained me in Huddl. Ford quicker living prayer. Maxi wrote this. It’s a million seller. And it gives it the the structure of this book is inspired. It’s the structure is the thing that that was amazing. He would give a little bit of teaching, a little bit of scripture, a little bit of reflecting, recording, a little bit of a challenge. You do that for seven days in the week. He learned how to pray. It’s just this and you do it by praying, not just by reading about prayer. Well, I met him and he and I wrote wrote together this book called healing prayer, and then I’ve that I’m on your podcast to talk about. And, of course, it includes stories of people dying before their time and grieving. It includes stories of people who who who prayed one way and who ended up getting something else. And it includes miraculous accounts of divine intervention. So there’s five pathways made in this book. The first one is the instant heal, and I’ve told you a couple of those stories now, and rackets integrations. The second is a pathway to a remedy. Somebody does research, well, and you wind up meeting the person who’s got an adaptive therapy for what you’re discovering you need. Well, take it. They spent thirty years because their kids’ sister died in leukemia and they’ve studied cancer. Well, why would you resist taking the fruit of someone’s labor when their intention was to make this this cure possible. Take it. That’s from God too. Third is an ordinary healing. Now, I will tell you something about this. My wife was miraculously cured of muscular dystrophy. That stories in this in this book about halfway through. It was incredible to watch. Before she was cured. If she damaged a muscle, the muscle was damaged forever. After she was cured, if she damaged a muscle, the muscle healed. So natural healing is also part of the equation. Then there is suffering that we don’t understand. And for some reason, it’s there. We wait through it. We don’t understand it. Sometimes somebody dies young. And last is the miraculous crossing in the end of your life. All of us have a purpose and all of us completed. And all of us have to face our maker. All five of those are legitimate means by which God leads us in this journey called healing prayer. That’s God’s idea.
Victoria Volk: So what about that with your wife and your daughter? The polarity of
David Chotka: Yeah. I live between the two. Like, I I do. I live between the two. Now, before I go any further, I I do have a two o’clock coming up.
And it’s it’s one fifty one.
Victoria Volk: Well, would you briefly share that how because your daughter has
David Chotka: Yes. So the way I say it is this. My daughter has my tonic dystrophy. My wife was cured of curing FSH. She’s adopted.
My wife was was hesitant in her family life. Mhmm.
Victoria Volk: And
David Chotka: we’ve when we adopted the girl, we didn’t know. And so part of the miracle of providence. Is that she was adopted into a family that could accommodate her and muscular dystrophy, and we knew it. Now I hope that in my mind, that’s not enough. I want the rest. Thank you very much. And so for about twenty years, we would pray for her to be well. And now we pray for her to be a peace. That’s how we pray because the the answer hasn’t come. So the way I describe it in the book is God initiates and we respond. Not we initiate and God responds. It doesn’t work that way. Thank you very much. So I teach people how to pay attention to the mind leading in that. Howard Bauchner:
Victoria Volk: What I kind of want to touch on now then is what you kinda said was how people can feel like their prayers are not being heard. Like, prayers are not being answered and
David Chotka: Yes.
Victoria Volk: And I have this thought or belief within myself that yes, pray, but you also have to move your feet.
David Chotka: Actually, the bet I heard heard of this bet this way. If you pray for potatoes, put your hands in plow. Yeah. I’m listening to this little kid. Right?
And it’s actually really that’s an important principle. And when it’s all said and done, The the principle behind that is not what it called passively. You don’t sit in your button with for God to take care of everything. You are born to work. And the reason why Adam was given the assignment of the garden was because he wasn’t just supposed to sit there and watch the animals. He was supposed to tend soil. You are created in the image of God in order to be creative and to do enter into the acts that God would have you do. Now, what do you do with unanswered prayer? There is this I have a chapter in the book where I talk about medicine, miracle, and mystery. And how all three of them intertwine. And the thrust of the book is to say, we are not god. We are those who are in submission to the movement of God’s spirit. And we cannot manipulate the Lord to accomplish all that we want because we we only have a little three pound brain. And the best that you and I can do is to use the three pounds and train it. But you can’t tell it’s around the corner. In fact, this lady that I was just gonna see just canceled and I wasn’t expecting that. Alright? So I didn’t know that. I had organized my time since I’d be done according to your timetable and then pick up my coal. So I I can’t tell that, but now we have more time to be able to to navigate this because we’re in the middle of an important cover that isn’t completed. You can break this up into two episodes if you want to do that, which is what you might do. But regardless of that, God initiates and he leads us in paths that we do not understand or know. And when it is all said and done, we’re always left with holding history. There are seasons where we see miraculous breakthrough, and there are seasons where we see partial breakthrough. And there are scenes where we see no breakthrough at all. This one came to a head when I had a buddy who was in his fifties. And I was pastor in church forty five minutes from here. I was serving in Chad and Ontario, now serving in Windsor. But it’s but that church was a really solid place. My very first ever visit was to this guy. So I arrive in my office, and the secretary walks in and says to me, you gotta go on see Bob. He wants the new passenger to come and see him. So we’re talking The books are not out of the boxes yet. I mean, I put the books in the office. The bookshelves are being constructed. And I said, well, I guess I can go down the road and see this guy, so I get in the car and I do my first ever pass through a call in that church. I walk into this house. He’s on an oxygen oxygen mask. And he’s carrying this tube with him and he’s full of cancer. And his godly wife is caring for him and they’re sweet people, but I know his skin is the wrong color.
His eyes are the wrong color. And I have been around the block enough to know when somebody’s tied days your number. So I pray a prayer of comfort with him. That’s the way I prayed. And I get back in my car and I drive home, but it was the end of the day.
I said to my wife, look, I think I got a funeral coming up. It’s a guy named Bob. Apparently, he’s a godly fellow. I just met him. I was in his home. And I think I’m gonna do here. What I didn’t know was that the elders of the church had already booked in to see him that night and he didn’t tell me that. And the elders went to pray for him, obeying James chapter five where it says that the elders of the church and like the with the royal prayer phase, etcetera. And he went into a miraculous recovery. And three days later, he’s down in South Carolina at Myrtle Beach. Gulfy. Exactly. He’s had this astonishing recovery in the board chair, Hal Norton, and him, Bob Roberts, they’re out there down there. Galtham, because he had this amazing recovery, happened instantly in front of those elders. And so I had witnessed amazing. This is incredible. In the in the course of time, Bob became a friend. Bob and Marlene and and was one of a a group of four couples and we all got together and we should reason laugh. He was one of the fun he was a delightful guy and there was a guy named Bill and Bill and Bob would do these back and forth kind of hilarious things. And if you were in the middle of that that rep r t, you’d laugh until you were done. It was just this marvelous fun and whenever I wanted to blow off steam always with Bob. He became one of my elders, and I remembered having significant prayer times with him. There was one that happened just before he became my friend. He said, I wanna go to a a church in Toronto that has a reputation of of being one of these healing places. I said, that’s a three and a half hour drive, Bob.
You wanna go? He said, yeah. I wanna go. I booked my associate in preaching because that was my sermon prep day. And he and I together with our two wives drove down the highway and it took us four hours because the highway was busy. We pull up at this place, and we show up at this place, and nobody prays for him, nobody prays for me. It doesn’t happen. You know? And we’re at the door of the place. And I said, this is crazy, Bob. We’ve gone four hours. One way, we gotta go four hours back. You wanna pray now, but he said, well, we better. So I put my hand on him. His wife and my wife put their hand on hand. We started to pray. Bob started to laugh. Heart filled joyful laughter. It just bubbling from inside of him. It was it was honest joyful laughter. Hilarious. And so he didn’t stop laughing. What what we got in the car to drive back home. And for the four hour drive from Toronto to Chatham, he kept laughing. And I had you know, then he gets in his car and his wife, Marlene, had the drive home because he was still laughing. And from that point forward, the man that I knew was full of laugh the laughter subsided when he finally went to sleep. But he started to have a crazy hilarious sense of humor, and it became part of this for some couple of things where we’d always have fun. And he became an elder in my church and we did all kinds of amazing things together and he was what I called bible from where Bob. He was the guy who called the elders to account when they were being a pack of idiots. When they were when they weren’t gonna do something that was the right thing to do because it caused too much.
He pulled the bible out, and he’d tell us off. You know, and then he make a joke and everybody in the room would crack up laughing. And then we’d we’d adopt the expensive decision and do the right thing and the money would come. And he was that kind of a guy. And then the cancer returned. And four years later, I was in the hospital room when he died. His daughter was with him. I was in the room. It was two o’clock in the morning. I got called up because it was pretty, you know, severe, and I was holding his hand. And his daughter was holding his other hand. And he breathed his last. I did the funeral. And when I was doing this funeral, I did my very best to put best foot forward, but this was not just a parishioner. This was a very good friend and this was someone who had seen healing and it ended and he died. And I remember so I did this service. I don’t know. I did my best to present a positive take on this. I watched his body descend to the ground. I went back to the office. I closed the door. I put a cover over the window. I sat in the corner and I cried like a baby, because that was my friend. Three weeks later, I was with the other three couples plus the widow. And they were thanking me for doing a beautiful service. And I said, okay, thank you. I appreciate that. And they said, yeah, it was so amazing to see Bob healed. I said, healed. I just buried and he was fifty five. He died. What are you talking about? And they looked at me and they said, you didn’t know him before. Did you? I said, no. I moved here. My first visit was him. He was on an oxygen tank, and there was this amazing recovery, and and they said, well, He was clinically depressed for a dozen years. He hadn’t laughed in a dozen years. And you drove him to that church in Toronto and nobody prayed for him. And then you and Elizabeth and Marlene prayed for him and he started to laugh. And the clinical depression vanished. And they were given three and a half years of blissful married life. Before he died of the cancer in the last six months. Jesus healed them of clinical depression. Even though he died at fifty five young. So what I say in the book is there’s this thing called already, not yet. We’re already participants in the powers of the next age. We are not yet as we should be. And those two realities overlap just like that in every life, in every family. And so I saw my wife healed. I’ve actually been physically healed. I had a paralyzed face. I was told I’d never speak again when I was fifty three. And the Lord healed me, and that’s a long story as well. I don’t want to tell a long story. It was so remarkable. It got recorded by the Christian Broadcast Network and there’s been a hundred and twenty thousand views of that story. I had a face that the doctor told me would never heal, and I was completely healed in a process that was just absolutely filled and wonder. And my daughter’s not. So I’ve been healed. My wife’s been healed. My daughter’s not. And I live between two ages that overlap, the age of life and the age of death. And the victory is partial until Jesus returns at the end of time.
Than what God would have us do. It’s live between the times and celebrate his presence in this fallen and broken world. Do we people who extend love and grace to those who have none? And to walk with them through all their struggles and all their difficulties, trusting that God will intervene in their lives.
Victoria Volk: Amen. That is a beautiful place to end this podcast, actually.
David Chotka: Well, thank you. That’s it. Yeah. There’s a scripture that has both of those in it. I’ll I’ll just say it to you. I think that’s a good way for me to close the sentences. The loved now We are children of God. It does not yet appear we should be. But when he appears, we shall be like him. For we shall see him as he is. Now, not yet. First John chapter three verse two. That’s where the believer lives.
Victoria Volk: Thank you so much. For all of your stories, for making what you shared relatable to people who may be struggling with their faith. I know I did personally for many years
David Chotka: Yeah.
Victoria Volk: And, you know, you you some people go many years blaming God for their circumstances and I think he lies in wait. Just waiting for us to awaken to his love for us, I suppose.
David Chotka: Yeah. Now the love’s unmerited. We don’t deserve it. Absolutely don’t deserve it. It comes because it comes. And it isn’t our idea. It isn’t our idea. It’s it’s God’s idea to love us. We just got the your guy. He woke up and he pursued you.
Yeah. Yeah. That’s it. Wasn’t your idea? Wasn’t it? Yeah. Look, that’s why. Why did she do that? Oh, because I love you. I just he just did that. And you So it’s the same with with the love of God toward us. We don’t deserve it. They even know why he wants to bother, but he does. So if you can awaken to that, it becomes something beautiful. And that’s where we live.
Victoria Volk: I love that. Where can people find you?
David Chotka: I have a website that’s the easiest way spirit equip dot com. And I think you’ll I think I sent the links to you, if I’m not mistaken, I believe. Yeah. Anyway, it’s the the word spirit is the same as holy spirit, s p I r I t, and a word equip is the same as the beginning of equipment, EQU IP. Put the two things together, spiritequip.com.
That’s my website. And it has links to all my social media, so my Instagram thing is there, my YouTube channels there, my blogs are there, my Facebook page is there, and so on and so forth.
Victoria Volk: And my In your books?
David Chotka: My books are there too. And, yes, all the things that the the ability to book me, I do three day events in churches. And if people want me to come to their church, I’m more than able to do that. You just have to give me some lead time. Pay my hair fair and take up offerings. That’s what we do. It’s it’s not expensive to do. Find me a place to stay as long as it’s not some scsi dive. You know, find me a private room with Matthew. And then I’m more than happy to come into churches. I teach principles. I’ll tell you why I the the organization is called Spirit Equipment. Because nobody equipped me in the spiritual disciplines. I had to learn the hard way. And my goal is to make spiritual disciplines one small step at a time, simple for people so that they know what steps they can take, so that they can learn to enter into the things that God would have us learn. And so I have five books out. All of them are books that teach spiritual disciplines one small step at a time. And so spirit clip dot com is named after the activity that’s involved in my ministry. And and I do it all cross denominational line. I’m gonna be speaking to a bunch of methodists in a few months. I’m gonna speak to a pentecostal group after that. I’m I’m working with the Christian missionary alliance. I have preached him back to churches and men and night churches. I have spoken trans denominationally to Catholics and Africans and Baptist and Presbyterian and many Knights. You name it, they’re all there. Either my own denomination, sometimes they’ll let me speak in my own too. Anyway, I am an orthodox believer. I believe in, you know, the classic statements, the creed of the church, and so on. And I’m looking for really three things when I’m going into a church. I know that I can work with you. And number one, you have a high view of the bible as final. That you believe that Jesus is in fact God the sun and that you believe that that the new birth is essential. If those three things are there, I don’t care which background is I can work with you. And that those are the groups that I go to.
Victoria Volk: And so I will put your website in the show notes, and anything else you would like to pass along with me to add?
David Chotka: You know, right now, I’m trying to figure out some way to get the first chapter of the book and audiobook. Available. So I’m talking to my publisher. So God willing, I think it’s really important that you actually it’s it’s in my voice and in the voice of the other co writer. And so both of our voices are in the first chapter. And we both tell a story or two. And it’ll be I’m trying to get that done. So If I don’t get it done from my publisher, I’m gonna rerecord it myself and send it to you. I’d like to make that available to anybody who’d like to receive that.
Victoria Volk: Sounds good. And anything else you’d like to share that you don’t feel and you got to?
David Chotka: Oh, listen. We covered the ground here. We went long. We waxed long so that we could cover all the ground. So I think we did. There’s lots I could teach and talk about. I’ve written five books. I have a book on hearing the voice of Jesus. I have a book on dealing with the key phrases and words of the Lord’s prayer. I have this one on healing prayer. I’m writing I’m rewriting the Lord’s prayer book, and I have a book where I am where I’m teaching on the Holy Spirit, how Holy Spirit works. I’m a I’m a sessional lecturer in the Pathways School for Ministry on the Holy Spirit’s baptismal, what it looks like, how it works. So these are the areas of my expertise. And I’m more than happy to to talk. In this case, I believe with your podcast, your audience, the Healing Cray book was the best book to to put forward. It was the one that speaks to the constituency that you’re in.
Victoria Volk: I would agree. Yeah. And thank you so much for everything that you shared today and to my listeners and I enjoyed our conversation.
David Chotka: And likewise, it was been it’s been easy to have the conversation with you. Thank you, Victoria.
Victoria Volk: And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life, much love.
Divorce, Grieving Voices Guest, Pespective, Podcast |
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
In a world where life’s transitions often have heavy financial implications, Leah Hadley is a beacon of guidance and support. On this episode of Grieving Voices, Leah—founder of Intentional Wealth Partners and Intentional Divorce Solutions—shared her journey from investment analyst to empowering individuals through some of their most challenging moments, including divorce, of which she brings her personal experiences into her work with others.
Leah navigated personal upheavals such as adoption and divorce while building her career in finance for over fifteen years. Her transition to entrepreneurship was not just about professional growth but also about creating flexibility to address the nuanced needs of her own family and those facing significant life changes like divorce.
Key Points Discussed:
- Leah’s transition from an investment analyst to starting her own business to accommodate her role as an adoptive mother and her experience through divorce.
- The challenges faced during divorce include co-parenting dynamics, emotional turmoil, and financial restructuring.
- The importance of understanding one’s finances when heading into a divorce.
- The importance of support systems.
- Working as both an advocate for one spouse or neutrally for couples to optimize marital estate division fairly.
One core message from our conversation was the critical need for financial clarity amidst the emotional storm of separation. Leah underscored how even experts can feel overwhelmed when emotions cloud judgment—a powerful reminder that during times of distress, having expert advice isn’t just helpful; it’s essential.
For anyone facing the daunting path of divorce, Leah advises taking measured steps toward thoroughly understanding their finances before making any decisions. This approach minimizes costly mistakes and ensures today’s choices positively shape the future.
RESOURCES:
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CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Navigating Life’s Transitions with Financial Empowerment: Insights from Leah Hadley
Life is a journey marked by transitions, and while some are joyous, others can be incredibly challenging. One of the most tumultuous changes many face is divorce—a process that not only signifies the end of a relationship but also brings about profound financial implications. In this blog post, we dive into the insights shared by Leah Hadley on Grieving Voices, where she offers invaluable advice drawn from her personal experiences and professional expertise as a financial empowerment expert.
From Analyst to Advocate
Leah’s career trajectory took her from being an investment analyst to becoming a trusted financial adviser. Her decision to launch Intentional Wealth Partners and Intentional Divorce Solutions stemmed from her desire for flexibility and dedication to addressing the specific needs of individuals undergoing significant life shifts such as divorce or adoption.
Her own path wasn’t just shaped by professional growth; it was deeply personal too. Having navigated through adoption processes and her own divorce, Leah understands firsthand how emotional distress can cloud one’s judgment—especially regarding finances.
The Crucial Role of Financial Clarity in Divorce
Divorce isn’t just about legally parting ways with your spouse; it involves dissecting intertwined lives—and finances play a huge role in that separation. As Leah points out, achieving financial clarity is paramount during this time:
1. **Understanding Your Finances**: It begins with grasping the full picture—your income streams, monthly expenses, assets you own jointly or individually, debts owed together or separately.
2. **Consulting Experts**: Engaging with financial neutrals who provide unbiased guidance can be critical alongside at least consulting lawyers for legal aspects.
3. **Taking Measured Steps**: For those embarking on this daunting path, taking it one step at a time helps manage overwhelming emotions tied to these decisions.
Communication & Respect: Pillars During Transition
When children are involved in a divorce scenario—or any family transition—the stakes rise significantly concerning communication dynamics:
– Effective Communication: This means managing challenges without letting past baggage interfere with present conversations (e.g., discussions around children’s education).
– Mutual Respect: Treating each other respectfully ensures that co-parenting decisions remain consistent and child-focused despite differences between parents.
Facing Fear Through Preparation
Fear is an inherent part of any major life change—be it retiring or coping with loss—but preparation diminishes its grip over us:
– By utilizing tools like comprehensive financial planning ahead of transitions like buying houses or retirement planning.
– Recognizing fear as natural yet addressable through informed support systems.
Avoid DIY Pitfalls & Embrace Expertise
Common missteps during divorces include attempting to DIY complex legal procedures without adequate knowledge—a risky endeavor leading potentially towards bankruptcy among other issues:
1. Seeking early consultation minimizes risks associated with uninformed decision-making.
2. Tapping into community resources provides practical assistance along with familial understanding during trying times.
Furthermore, resources such as “divorce toolkits” aid in organizing your finances meticulously which could translate into reduced legal costs down the line—an aspect where services offered by professionals like Leah come into play offering tailored solutions based on case complexity.
Finally—and perhaps most importantly—Leah encourages viewing divorce not merely as an end but also as an opportunity for self-realignment and growth despite challenges faced throughout this period.
In conclusion, whether you’re facing upheaval due to personal relationships ending or other significant life events triggering fear and uncertainty—it’s essential not only to seek clarity within yourself but also reach out for expert guidance when needed. Remember: You don’t have to navigate these waters alone; there are compassionate professionals ready to steer you toward calmer seas equipped with intentionality every step of the way.
Episode Transcription:
Victoria Volk: Thank you for tuning in to this episode of grieving voices. Today, I am happy to welcome Leah Hadley, She is a nationally recognized financial empowerment expert is committed to providing personalized compassionate financial guidance through life transitions. She will tell you she’s had many challenging financial times in her adult life, becoming a parent of three overnight, getting divorced, and building a business from the ground up to name a few. These have been times when her ability to hunt down appropriate resources and careful financial planning was critical to her peace of mind. A former investment analyst sought after speaker an award winning financial planner Lea is the founder of intentional wealth partners and intentional divorce solutions. Leah uses her knowledge of more than fifteen years of experience to help our clients make intentional, financial decisions. Thank you so much for being here, my being my guest, and for sharing a topic, I think, specifically for divorce, but because of your background experience of and your personal experience of divorce and just briefly before we started to record of adoption, I think that we can go into two of these big life transitions pretty deeply on this podcast.
Leah Hadley: Thank you so much for having me. I appreciate the opportunity.
Victoria Volk: So let’s start with how you got from investment analyst to building your own business.
Leah Hadley: Yeah. It was not planned, Avianis. It was an equity research analyst. And so for equity research, you travel quite a bit to the companies that you cover and to the portfolio managers that are your clients and that kind of a thing. And my ex husband and I had decided that we were going to adopt and we were adapting through the foster care system. And at that time, it was very difficult to get through all of the requirements with the travel that I had for my job. And so I decided that, you know what, just to be the mom that I wanted to be, that job was not gonna be very conducive to what I wanted for my life. And so I decided that I would take my skills and start helping individuals and families, and I became a financial advisor with a large broker dealer at the time. And we were blessed with three amazing children while I was there. And then I found that there was only one way to do business there. They had kind of a structure in place that didn’t allow a lot of flexibility. And honestly, people have different needs especially people who are going through life transitions. So I decided to leave there and go to another firm that I thought was gonna allow me to do more work helping people through these transitions and also found a lot of red tape at that particular firm. Ultimately, I found that if I really wanted deserve people in a way that I felt like people needed support. And I wanted the lifestyle that I wanted for my kids, so I wanted a lot of flexibility to be able to be there to take them to their therapy user to, you know, participate in the PTA and all of these things that I needed to do it on my own. I needed to create the, you know, way of serving people, create the hours, create the time, that’s gonna work for me and my life. And so, ultimately, that’s how I ended up struggling my own business.
Victoria Volk: I have two questions, and I’m gonna ask them so I don’t forget.
Leah Hadley: Okay.
Victoria Volk: Had you had you always wanted to be an adopted mom, first of all? And then the second question is, can you make a distinction between and maybe that if things are different today, I imagine, in firms and that process. But can you make a distinction for people for, like, the financial planners and the firms, Edward Jones, or whoever they may go to, versus these transitions that require maybe a little bit a different approach. Can you make that distinction for people? So two questions for you.
Leah Hadley: Absolutely. So I had not thought that I would become an adaptive mom. That wasn’t something that I had, you know, grown up thinking about or anything like that. And my ex husband and I came to that decision after a lot of conversation and We had a wonderful couple who introduced us to many adoption resources. We went to some different workshops and things to learn more about what the options were.
So it was a long road to deciding that that was gonna be the right option for us. And as far as the different kinds of firms in the way that they serve people. They each have like, especially a larger firm, has a certain way of doing things because there are so many rules in the industry. There just are. There are today, there were then, there are a lot of rules in the industry. And so they create ways of doing business to make sure that everybody is in compliance with all of those rules. But what happens is then you have somebody that doesn’t quite fitthe mold, what they need, doesn’t necessarily fit the way that they do business, And suddenly, that firm is not gonna be the best one to serve that person. Okay? And so for example, if you think about a divorce, every divorce is different. There are no two divorces that are the same. Financial planning for divorce is like financial planning on steroids. You know, you’re looking at every single thing and you’re knowing that everything’s gonna change. Right? And so there are so many different scenarios that it can be really hard for a very large firm to make sure that if they have a lot of advisors working in the space, that they are always in compliance. If they’re not going through that advisers, you know, all their communications and all their reports and things like that. And so I think that’s where it’s really tricky. I don’t think, you know, they’re set out to not help people. But I think there are are very real reasons why it can be difficult for them to have the flexibility to support people in different transitions in their lives. Does that make sense?
Victoria Volk: Yes. And so when you found yourself, going through your divorce, where were you at in your career at that point? And with the kids,
Leah Hadley: Yeah. I was working as a financial adviser, and I was on my husband’s health insurance at the time. And so I was not going to have health insurance through my employer when we divorced, which was a big issue. And I really wasn’t making enough to work myself and the kids as a single mom either. And so that was a big issue for me as well. So there was a lot going on there as far as, you know, when I was going through this transition and figuring out how can I continue, what does my job need to look like how can I be available for these kids in a way that I need to be available for them? So that’s kind of where I was and what was going on.
Victoria Volk: What were some of the things that you did then to navigate that divorce in what worked for you, what didn’t work for you? If you could go back in time, what you can’t, what would you have what would you have done differently, things like that?
Leah Hadley: Yeah. You know, one of the things that we did really, really well Victoria, we spent a lot of time talking about the conversation we were gonna have with our children and letting them know that this is what we had decided to do. And we had really prepared well for that conversation. We sat down together and had that conversation with all three children. My youngest was still a toddler, so I think it was very difficult for him to really understand what was going on. But the other two were old enough to understand at the time. And we had a great conversation with them and answered questions and it went really well. What we didn’t plan for is everything that comes after that. And so one, my ex husband moved out and the kids would go between our homes, especially my youngest. He was still a toddler. He would scream and, you know, fuss because he had to go between our homes. And, you know, toddlers don’t like change. And, you know, it didn’t matter which way the kids were going. It was always very volatile, stressful situations when we were going through these transitions. And he lived close to me. So it’s not like we live as far apart. We really tried to make this as easy on the kids as we could, but those transistors were really, really difficult. And, you know, you still have the hurt and the anger and all of that that goes along with the divorce itself. And so we’re struggling as adults with our own feelings but then also didn’t necessarily have the communication in place to deal with what does co parenting look like going beyond this initial conversation. So that first year, that first year was very, very hard. I was, you know, changing jobs, starting my own business, we’re dealing with, kind of with a schedule that was working for our family. There were just so many changes that we were experiencing at that time. And I think it was just really hard on everybody. What could I have done differently? Absolutely sat down and had a conversation with my ex husband very early on about how we wanted to handle communication, how we wanted to handle transitions. Now we actually have dinner as a family about one a month. I talked to him every single week, you know, we really prioritize making sure that we’re staying on the same page when it comes to raising our children So that way, you know, we’re both there. We’re we’re still a united front even though we’re both remarried to other people, you know. And just really prioritizing what co parenting looks like for us. But it took us a while to get there.
We had to get past some of that, our own hurt and our own anger, to really be able to get to a place of being able to have these comfortable communications and prioritizing the children’s needs.
Victoria Volk: What resources and or people you bring in to your divorce experience that helped you at that time?
Leah Hadley: I have to tell you, I am so fortunate because so many people’s families really struggle when people get divorced and have a hard time kind of finding their space within this new family structure. But my mom has always been my rock. She had gone through two divorces of her own many years ago. And so I think she really understood. I mean, she raised my brother and I as a single parent. I think she really understood what I was going through. And, you know, she was there for both me and my ex husband. It’s not like she was just there for me. So when we needed childcare, we needed you know, one of the kids to get a ride somewhere or something, she was always willing to step in as much as she could. And that was so beneficial. She never said anything negative. About my ex husband, especially nothing in front of her children. And she was really a huge, huge, huge support. Another big support was my church community, and I also know that everybody’s not that fortunate in that respect either. But I wasn’t a church community that was very supportive in helping me figure out you know, what is this role for me? How do I balance these things? How do I take the kids to certain activities and whatnot? And still be able to participate as an adult. So I was very lucky in a lot of ways. I didn’t feel a tremendous amount of judgment, which I know so many people do. And I think my heart just breaks for them when I hear some of their stories. But I I was very fortunate in that I had a community that really surrounded me and lifted me up and helped me figure out what I needed. And even when I didn’t know what I needed, Victoria, somebody would say, hey, let me take your kids for for an afternoon and and give you a break or, you know, something like that. And it was just so valuable
Victoria Volk: in terms of what you do today, intentional divorce solutions. And I imagine that much of your experience or much of the work that you do is based on your personal experience, and you bring that to the work with that you do with clients. So aside from family support, community support, how about in terms of maybe you see a lot of people making different mistakes, you know, as they go through that divorce process. Not I’m talking the financial stuff now. Like, the financial advice, the what do you do next?
Like, how do you create the separation of assets and all of that? What did you bring into your divorce that helped you at that time? And is that what’s really, I guess, informed the work that you do today.
Leah Hadley: It is a big part of why I do what I do because one of the things I saw, you know, I had been a financial professional for years before I went through my own divorce. And it was still, financially, these changes were incredibly overwhelming today. And I a a a budgeter. I go through and create an annual budget every year and then update it throughout the year. And that skill of being able to do that and knowing how to adjust that budget in order to deal with these huge changes I was experiencing. Was so, so important to my peace of mind. Like, I just don’t know how I could have gotten through it without being able to do that. But there were times when I was just so emotionally overwhelmed, I couldn’t I couldn’t sit there and look at the budget and figure it out because I couldn’t get myself to be clear headed enough to really take those skills and use them. Right? And so for somebody who had that much experience and was still struggling, And I’ll tell you, even today, I work with a lot of accounts who are going through a divorce. I work with other financial planners who are going through a divorce. It doesn’t matter what your background is, when you’re going through this huge change impacting every area of your life, can just cloud your, you know, anything that you’re trying to think about objectively. So I did not use a CDFA when I wasgoing through my divorce. Quite frankly, we didn’t have that much of a complex financial situation. But I did definitely lean on the tools that I had already created in my life in terms of budgeting and looking at our assets and looking at our debts and figure out how’s all of this going to work out. But again, my mom was incredibly supportive. My mom does have a financial background. And so when I couldn’t see through the trees, you know. She could really help me kinda clear my way and and say you’re out, okay, this is what we need to prioritize right now. You know. So for example, when we first got divorced, I needed to make sure I got health insurance right away. I was responsible for the mortgage on the home because I stayed in the marital home. So there were all of a sudden big expenses that really increased on me very quickly, and I knew that my income at that time was not going to support that. And so I had to make a change.
Victoria Volk: And what did that look like?
Leah Hadley: So that’s how I ultimately ended up starting my business. First, I went back to equity research because I thought, okay, if I just need to make more money, this is a place where I could make more money. Right? And I could get good benefits. But it came back to right where I was before we ever had the children in that that is just not a career that’s very conducive to prioritize in motherhood. And so I started my own business, and I was really serious about looking at how am I going to support us, and it took some time but I was able to build, you know, two thriving businesses at this point. And and it it ended up working out, but I’ll tell you what. It was not an easy road those first couple of years.
Victoria Volk: I’ve built two businesses too over the over the years and it’s a grind. It’s definitely a grind at first, you know, up all day with the kids and then up all night because they’re sleeping and then you can actually sit and focus and do what you need to do. And so, you know, I love entrepreneurs in that way just because I understand that, you know, sometimes you live your life a certain way that most people wouldn’t so that you can live the rest of your life how you want. Right? Right. What are the baby steps people can take as they’re listening to you and find themselves. Maybe maybe they got served papers or they’re thinking about serving papers to their spouse and, you know, just embarking on this. Journey. What are some baby steps people can take?
Leah Hadley: Yeah. It’s really important that people get very clear on their financial situation. How are you gonna make any decisions if you’re not clear on your current financial situation? And I recognize that this can be very, very difficult for a spouse that may not be involved in the family finances. I work with lots of people who weren’t involved in the family finances during the marriage. Suddenly you’re going through this huge life change and you’re just learning about your own financial situation. So if that is you, you’re absolutely not alone. But that makes it even more important to really prioritize figuring out what is income, where is it coming from, when am I receiving it, What are expenses? What are my fixed expenses that are the same every single month? What are my variable expenses that change from month to month? And if you find that your income is barely covering your six expenses, money is going to feel tight. It’s going to. Especially if you have attorney fees on top of that or other professional services that you may be utilizing through the divorce process. So starting with a very clear sense of cash flow, income, fixed expenses, variable expenses is really important. Under standing what your assets are, what you own, and your liabilities are, what you owe. And so getting clear on what is the value of my home you may need to get an appraisal in order to get a good number on that. Right? Where are the retirement accounts? You know, whose retirement account is in, whose name. If you’re not quite sure you are not alone, so many times people will say, well, we have a joint retirement account. Well, there are no joint retirement accounts. So retirement account is an individual account. And so that’s, to me, a red flag that, like, okay. We’re not clear on the financial situation here. And so really knowing if you are a joint user on a credit card, if you’re an authorized user on a credit card, if it’s your own credit card, that can be very confusing for people. So really getting very clear on your financial situation, is a very important start because until you know what your whole picture looks like, how can you even start to think about dividing things? How can you even start to think about can I afford to stay in the house or what can I afford in terms of whether it’s a rental or another home if you don’t know what your financial situation looks like? So that may not feel like baby steps for a lot of people. I know that that can feel like a very, very big task start with one thing. Getting clear on where income is coming from, when income is coming in, how much.
Right? And then move on to the next thing. Look at, okay, what are my expenses that come every single month? And if you’re not sure, think about how they get paid. Can you go through a bank statement? Can you go through a credit card statement? Review, you know, the last several months and just make a list? It doesn’t have to be overly complicated. But the idea is just to give you some clarity around those numbers. Okay?
But just take it one step at a time. Now a lot of people will tell me, well, I don’t know what our assets are. I don’t know where the retirement accounts are. I don’t know where the investment accounts are. Okay. But if you know they exist, write them down. Just write down that you know there is an investment account. Maybe you know it’s held at Fidelity or something like that. So that way, Ultimately, you can gather that information. You may not have all the information at your fingertips. That is normal, unfortunately. But through the divorce process, you’ll be able to gather the additional information needed to really clarify that financial picture.
Victoria Volk: Do you generally work with one spouse? Or are you finding that you’re working with the couple? And then you’re an advocate for the couple? Going through that transition.
Leah Hadley: I do both. So sometimes I work as an advocate for one spouse and sometimes I work as a neutral for the couple. I think we do our most productive work when we can work as a neutral because then we’re looking at everybody’s financial situation. Trying to optimize the marital state for everybody involved. Everybody’s getting the same financial information at the same time. And that really helps people to stay on the same page. Everybody is looking at the same projections. So if if you’re looking at like a spousal support scenario and finding, okay, you know, I’m I’m thinking I need this much spouse to support, but my my spouse can really only afford that much spouse to support. How do we get to the numbers that are gonna work for everybody? So I really think it’s important to work as a financial neutral as much as possible. I realize that sometimes it’s just not possible. And we do actually more financial advocacy work for one spouse than we do neutral work, but that neutral work is so valuable.
Victoria Volk: I could see where that would be the best case scenario for, I think, both people going through that process just because for like you said, everyone’s on the same page, there isn’t this my divorce lawyer versus your divorce lawyer? And do people still have a lawyer on either side as they work with you generally?
Leah Hadley: So that varies. Sometimes we’re hired by the client directly. Sometimes we’re actually hired by the attorney. One people work in the financial neutral scenario. I like for them each to have a lawyer that they at least consult with. I think it’s important that you feel like you have the knowledge to make decisions for yourself through the process. There are options. It’s good to have the legal background. And I’m not an attorney. I don’t provide legal advice at all. I look at everything through that financial lens. And so for people to really consult and understand what the legal context is in your local area is really important.
Victoria Volk: Who do you think needs to seek support or counsel from someone with your expertise? Like, what are the most pressing scenarios? Or what do you say that.
Leah Hadley: So I find it fascinating who seeks out our services. It tends to be either the spouse who has limited financial knowledge and absolutely knows that they have no idea how they’re gonna work through this financial piece, and they know they need the support. But I’ve mentioned earlier that we work with fair amount of accountants, financial planners, attorneys. And so those folks know what they don’t know. And for whatever reason, we don’t get a lot in between. So we tend to get those who have limited financial knowledge and absolutely need that support. And those who know exactly what they don’t know, and that’s why they want to fill in that gap and they know they need to fill in that gap. But I think, you know, it’s really important that you do understand the financial decisions that you’re making through the divorce process because these decisions don’t just impact you in that moment in time. These are financial decisions that are going to impact your lifetime. They it’s a weird way to think about it, but for most people, the work is the largest financial transaction they will ever experience. And so not having good financial guidance to make sure you fully understand what are the tax implications of that decision. How are you going to support your cash flow, whatever the, you know, issues may be. You know, you’re really selling yourself short. If you’re not allowing yourself to have that person who can really help you to navigate these things. There are some very costly mistakes that people make. Because they just don’t know any better. And so having that applicant on your side can be really, really powerful. But I would say the people who really have limited financial knowledge it’s critical that they have somebody on their team who’s helping them understand and helping them to prepare for their next chapter.
Victoria Volk: Excellent advice. It’s like we, you know, we have a realtor when we buy a home and we go through all this paperwork and all this processes to do so, and that’s a huge financial investment and commitment as well. But like you said, this a divorce can that’s a lifetime impact. You know, I know some people that they end up filing for bankruptcy, did they even need to file bankruptcy?
Leah Hadley: Right.
Victoria Volk: You know, but you feel like you’re so overwhelmed with the pro I’m just gonna do this and be done with it and move on. And I think that’s a lot of what how people maybe approach it and probably one of the approaches that isn’t maybe in their best interest for the long term.
Leah Hadley: Yeah. And that is very true. A lot of people just wanna get it done. They just don’t wanna take the time to think it through. They just wanna be done with it. It feels difficult, that messy middle where you, you know, know you’re getting divorced, but you’re not divorced yet. And there’s a lot of ambiguity around finances during that period of time. We just wanna get past it. But, yeah, some of those mistakes can be so costly that you’re right. They can absolutely lead to bankruptcy or other issues.
Victoria Volk: You talked a lot about communication with your ex husband in that process. And I found on your website that you have a blog post about communication with an ex spouse and navigating all of those conversations that you especially if you have children. Right? You’re going to have this ongoing relationship with this person. And it sounds like you and your ex have done a beautiful job of making it not this, you know, pitting one against the other experience for the kids and just making it a family experience that can be as positive as it can be. So what are some recommendations that you have for the communication piece?
Leah Hadley: Well, I think one of the biggest recommendations I have is to be very real with yourself about where you are at personally at this moment in time. Because wherever you are, if you’re hurting, if you’re angry, and you’re not really paying attention to it, it’s going to come out in your communication. And so really acknowledging that, like, this is a difficult thing. This is really challenging. And it’s okay to have the feelings that you’re having. And then we can we can look at this communication as something that is important, something that I need to prioritize. And that I need to set these feelings aside for the moment in order to be able to have clear concise communication. And that is focused on, you know, whatever the outcome needs to be. Right? So if it’s related to the children and something going along going on at school, we’re not bringing all this baggage that has everything, you know, all these years of arguments and whatever led to the divorce ultimately. Into this conversation about what’s going on at school that we’re really focused on. Okay. This is what we’re communicating about in this moment. And I’m gonna acknowledge that, yes, I have all these other feelings, but I’m gonna set them aside for right now and really focus on what needs to be dealt with. But if you don’t acknowledge that, that’s where a lot of times we get those, you know, quick responses, especially angry responses, that have nothing to do with what you’re actually communicating about in that particular moment. And that’s where we were that first year, you know, that first year where we had not kind of cracked this communication code yet. You know, we were very irritable with one another. We were always assuming the worst in one another. Whereas now, we treat each other with a tremendous amount of respect, which, you know, that’s the kind of relationship I want my kids to see. Between their parents. I think that’s really critical. And we support one another, especially with the kids and making sure that they know that, hey, at the top of the dad’s house, you know, I’m gonna there’s still gonna be consequences in mom’s house because it’s not okay. Right? So really truly staying on the same page and and backing each other up in that life.
Victoria Volk: I think that’s huge even just when you’re married. Hate. I mean, I saw him for it when you’re married to pack each other up and be on the same page and know that, you know, the kids can’t pick one parent against the other. And well, mom said yes. And, you know, and then especially, it’s especially more important when they’re in separate. You know, homes of, you know, when the parents are separated or divorced. How much of it do you when you were talking about the anger and stuff. I one thing that came up for me or what I think I especially people that don’t have that background knowledge, I imagine that it would be a lot of fear that people are coming into your office with or just fear in general as you go through a divorce, like, how are you gonna support yourself? Like, everything that you’ve said, I’ve heard fear in everything that you’ve said. And so I think just bringing someone in like you who has that background expertise can help to diffuse that fear. Like, okay, I don’t know this, but she does. She’s the expert. And, you know, feel empowered by that. Having you as that you know, supports you are a support system for somebody going through this. And so I think it’s important that people recognize that it’s fear really that is probably driving the anger and the emotion and, you know, now you have this huge life transition and what do you do about it? And so let’s talk about some other life transitions that you assist people through that may be filled with fear.
Leah Hadley: You know, I assist people with really exciting things, like buying their first house or retiring or having a baby. They all do. These changes. Changes in our life, you are absolutely right. Do bring bring about fear. And so regardless of whether it’s something that you really look at as like a positive, I’m excited. This is what I’ve been working toward. You know, there are a lot of people who go through a very difficult transition when they retire. It can be really hard on somebody, especially if they had much of their identity tied into their work. And now it’s like, well, who who am I now that I don’t have this this part of me. Right? So certainly, loss of a loved one. You know, that is a huge area where people are so much like, what does life look like? And it’s in an instant in some cases. Right? In some cases, there can be more planning, but not in all cases. And so you know, what does this change mean for me? I had a woman one time come into my office and she had lost her husband. He had actually been sick for a while, so I wish he had come in sooner because we could have done some planning, but she hadn’t have her name on anything. She didn’t have her name on the credit card. She was just an authorized user. She didn’t have her name on bank accounts. And, you know, everything wasn’t set up to easily transfer over to her. So she goes, Leah, I feel like a two million dollars bag lady. Like, I don’t know what to do, and it was just unfortunate because there’s so much could have been done that could have made that transition easier. And then when you do have that that kind of a transition, there’s so much paperwork involved. And for some people, on a good day paperwork, it’s overwhelming. Right? So when you’re really going through all these these emotions, paperwork can absolutely just feel like the thing that’s gonna take you over. And so walking people through what are the steps that need to happen now? That’s a big part of what we do in any transition. Getting really clear on a, b, c, d, e, and knowing that these are the things that need to happen, and this needs to happen before that happens, and that sort of thing. But when people have that concrete guide, that can just be so beneficial because it takes some of this year away. And it’s like, alright. Let me just follow follow with the directions here and kinda work through it. But the other big thing when it comes to fear and finances is a lot of people just don’t necessarily understand the power of financial planning. You know, when you have a financial plan, it really truly is like your financial guide book. And it makes it very clear, will I have enough money to retire or a wall tie? And if I won’t, what changes do I need to make in order to make sure that I do. Right? When people have the financial plan and then they’re going through our divorce, you have that plan as that basis. So now you know, this is where we’re at. We need to make some adjustments here because obviously there’s some big changes but it’s so much easier for them to see what those changes mean for them when they had the plan to begin with. Right? They didn’t have the plan to begin with. Having that plan especially post a worse to know, hey, what can I really afford to spend? What can I really afford to invest for my future? And those kinds of questions, to make sure that I have that strong financial foundation that I’m building wealth and I’m working toward goals is really so critical for so many people’s peace of mind.
Victoria Volk: And what I heard you saying, there’s two things. It’s not enough to just have a retirement account and just letting it build and letting it do its thing.
Leah Hadley: Right? Right.
Victoria Volk: K. That’s that’s me. I’ll be I’ll be the first to admit. I got retirement accounts and they’re just doing their thing. So that’s mistake number one.
Right? And mistake number two that I heard that I figured out for myself as I heard you was that it’s not enough to have just an authorized user on a credit card. Yeah. I did not know that.
Leah Hadley: Mhmm. Yeah. So if you are an authorized user on somebody’s credit card and that card is closed. First of all, they can remove you as an authorized user at any time. They have complete and full control over doing that. But let’s say that person passes away or something and the account gets closed, you don’t have that credit history on your credit report because that wasn’t your your account. To begin with. And so you really need to have a credit card in your own name to be building your credit history.
Victoria Volk: Okay. So I’m so in the event of okay. Well, then it to it’s my it’s to my benefit. Right? Like, if I so for my credit card business credit cards and things like that, husband is an authorized user, but he’s not on the accounts.
So in the event of my passing, he’s not responsible for the debt that’s on those cards. Correct?
Leah Hadley: Not necessarily. Yeah. That’s that’s not necessarily the case. You know, it it can reconsider the marital debt. Oh. And, yeah, the the state can have to pay off those cards. So that’s kind of a gray area.
Victoria Volk: So even if there’s cash back, my husband wouldn’t be able to get that cash back.
Leah Hadley: That’s true.
Victoria Volk: See, it’s like, we can still stick them with the debt, but we weren’t gonna give them a give them a cash back. Okay. Well, good to know. What are some of the consequences you’ve seen in working with those who’ve tried other means or to DIY their way through divorce or other transitions. You know, they come to you maybe desperate. Right? Like, I’ve tried this and this and this and that didn’t work? Like, what are some scenarios that you’ve seen walk through your door?
Leah Hadley: You know, the biggest thing I see people is not wanting to deal with it. They literally just want to put their head in the sand and not have to deal with any of it. As far as the DIY stuff goes, I see some very big mistakes. Sometimes people kind of DIY through the divorce, and then they may come to me afterwards for support for financial planning or portfolio management, and I look at the agreement that they made and there may be tremendous amount of financial risk in that agreement that they hadn’t even thought about. So, for example, you know, spousal support is a big one where if it’s not protecting in some way and the payer of spouse’s support passes away, all of a sudden there goes your income. Right? So we look at how do you protect these things, whether it’s for life insurance policy or or something else. Sometimes people will withdraw funds from retirement accounts, not recognizing that there are other ways to deal with those transfers without having a huge tax burden or penalty associated with it. So I see all kinds of things that people are doing. When they’re when they’re not necessarily informed in doing things on their own, things that they just don’t know any better. Right? But the sooner that you can consult with somebody, the better, and the sooner you can pay attention to this stuff, the better. Like, just don’t keep your head in sand because a lot of times when that happens, people are just accruing debt as it relates to paying their lawyers and that kind of a thing. And it’s like, well, I’m just gonna kick that can down the road and deal with it later, but you can create a real financial burden for yourself if you’re not paid attention.
Victoria Volk: What I see what the dots I’m connecting here is that what you do in one area of life is how you do everything. And so if you are a person who wants to avoid conflict at all cost and confront confronting the things that you don’t want to deal with in life and throughout, like, So for example, if there’s trouble in your marriage and you just wanna put your head in the sand, you don’t wanna talk about it. Right? There’s in marriages, there’s many things you don’t wanna talk about money being one of the big ones. Right? So if you find yourself in your marriage, not talking about money. And I I have people in my life or they don’t have those conversations. There’s one person like you said in charge of everything and they don’t sit down and talk about you know, purchases even. Like, you know, you’re gonna see that reflected in a divorce if that’s where that relationship goes down the road. Like, So if you’re putting your head in the sand now and you’re married and you think everything’s hunky dory but you’re putting your head in the sand eventually that you know, that’s how you’ll respond when you get faced with challenges too, I think.
Leah Hadley: Well, that’s one of the reasons why I see a lot of divorces becoming real contentious is because the one person didn’t know necessarily about the financial situation. Now they’re learning about it through the divorce process, and they don’t trust anything. Because they’re just to that point where trust has been completely broken down. And that other spouse may very well be forthcoming with that information and maybe sharing exactly what’s going on, they may not be. But how do you know? Right? I mean, we certainly can do analysis to figure out what might be missing, what’s not being disclosed, things like that. But just kind of between the two, you know, it can be really difficult to know whether or not that person that can be trusted. So if you come into the divorce process, both being very clear on the current financial situation, you can avoid that whole issue.
Victoria Volk: That is the big takeaway, I think, in this episode today is communication. It comes down to communication. Being open and honest and communicating makes your life a whole lot easier. Alright? Yeah. We’re kinda nearing the end of our time together. And I just wanna touch back, though, on what you experienced in your divorce and personally. And what were some of the helpful and unhelpful things that you experience throughout that time. And maybe things that people said to you.
Leah Hadley: You know, one of the things that I think about when I think about divorce it’s one of these, it’s a huge life change. Right? But through all of the other life changes, there are some kinds of ritual celebration, something that happens. Right? Like, you know, you’re having a baby, you have a baby chatter, you’re getting married, there’s, you know, the whole ceremony reception, what have you. You’re going through a divorce, a lot of times it feels like you have to, like, close the curtains and hide and not necessarily say anything about what’s going on. And for some people had a divorce goes on for years. I was fortunate that, you know, ours was probably six months or something in that range, so it wasn’t, you know, real long. But It’s a period of time where it’s hard to talk about what’s going on. You know, I think a lot of people struggle with feelings of failure you’re grieving all of the loss of all of what you’ve dreamed about together. Right? You know, you have this image of what you thought your life was going to be. Not to mention this person who, you know, thought was going to be your life partner. So there’s a lot going on during that period of time For me, the most important thing was somebody just being there, just listening. I didn’t want anybody saying anything bad about my ex husband. That’s not I wasn’t in that space of wanting to hear that. I just wanted to know that I wasn’t alone that even though I felt like I had to shut the the curtains and kinda hide out, that that there was somebody else in there with me, so to speak. Right? That was really, really important to me. There are things that were awkward, like when I first got divorced, I had kept my ex husband’s name. When I remarried, I changed my name. But his his last name is one that people asked about a lot. And so every time I had this conversation with somebody, I had to beep, like, awkward and, oh, that’s my ex husband’s last name. And I didn’t necessarily want somebody I had just met and I didn’t wanna be talking about my ex husband. Right? And so divorce was really very normal. It is very it happens a lot. And so I think normalizing it is really, really important. I’ve said before, I was so fortunate in that I was supported by my community. I didn’t feel a lot of rejection around the divorce itself. I was just struggling with the changes in my life, but I know for a lot of people there is this whole other element that makes it even more complicated and more difficult. Right? And so just you know, having people who are there can take some of the pressure off you even, you know, for me, my kids were young, taking them for a little bit of time. So I would have a break, you know, my mom taking them overnight sometimes. So I would have space, you know, just being able to have time to spend with friends and not have to worry about what’s going on with the kids. I could not afford babysitters when I was first going through my divorce and, you know, had all those expenses right away, but people were also so generous in, like, giving me clothes that their kids set out brown or you know, giving us toys or, you know, things like that that are just let me just make your life a little bit easier. I know you’re going through a difficult time Let me just do something. Right? All of that stuff was so so meaningful to me and just helped that transition so much.
Victoria Volk: Do you see more women coming to you or particularly maybe men that I think there’s this I think there’s this idea that men should know what to do financially and things like that, but that’s always that’s not always the case where they’re the ones that who were in charge of the finances or were involved with the finances. So is it kind of a mixed bag, or do you see one more versus the other?
Leah Hadley: I definitely see more women. But I also have men who reach out as well. You know, a lot of times in relationships nowadays, one of the spouse’s teachers responsibility for the finances, but it’s not always the man. Sometimes it is the woman who takes responsibility for the finances. But it’s also not always the person who wasn’t involved in the finances that reaches out. You know, I mentioned before a lot of times it really is that person who knows that their knowledge is limited. So they have enough knowledge to know that they need support. But it’s it’s both genders. I see more men reaching out for financial neutral service than I do, women, but that’s just kind of how our practice is. I don’t know if that’s overall.
Victoria Volk: I was looking at your website and I saw that you have some resource is on there, and you have a resource resource toolkit. Can you speak a little bit about what that includes and what someone can find coming to your website and maybe that’s their baby step.
Leah Hadley: Yeah. There’s a lot in the toolkit. It’s a really valuable bundle of resources There’s everything from ebooks around parenting and negotiation skills to a financial clarity kit, which is a series of videos that walks you through the steps that I was talking about before where you really get clear on your income, get clear on your expenses, your assets, and your liability. It’s So there are a variety of resources that are really all about helping you to get super organized and prepared for the divorce process. The more organized you are, the more you will save on legal expenses. One of the reasons that legal bills go up is just because of that lack of organization and people don’t even think about it. But going back and forth with attorneys about documents and things like that, it’s just unnecessary in a lot of cases. You get everything organized, provide it to them all at once, make sure they have everything they need. That can actually save you quite a bit
Victoria Volk: of money. Wow. I actually know of some people I’m going to share that resource with that are going through a divorce and You also have the podcast intentional divorce insights as well, and that’s weekly. Correct.
Leah Hadley: Yeah. Yeah. We just launched that this year. We’ve had some wonderful wonderful guests on the podcast, and I definitely encourage anybody who really wants to be empowered through the divorce process, not to feel like I’m just a victim of the process or I’m giving my power away to my attorney. But people who really want to be educated and empowered through the process to check out that podcast and great resources on there.
Victoria Volk: Howard Bauchner: And you say the word empowered, and I mentioned that earlier, that I think just having you in in someone’s corner is empowering. Right? Yeah. Because you don’t know what you don’t know. Right.
So even if you don’t know, you have someone that does.
Leah Hadley: That’s right. That’s right.
Victoria Volk: That’s empowering. Is there anything else that you would like to share that you didn’t feel you got to mention,
Leah Hadley: just that you get through it. You know, it’s a difficult time. There’s a lot of emotion. There’s a lot of financial change. But the beauty of the work that I do is I often am working with people on ongoing financial planning and investment management post divorce. And I get to see you know, how their life changes. In a lot of cases, you know, they’re meeting their next person or, you know, starting a job or a business that they love or whatever that next chapter looks like for them, I just get to see so many wonderful things taking place. And if you allow yourself to really look at it, as like being your time to really take ownership over your life and, you know, really be in alignment with what’s important to you and your values. It can really be a beautiful next chapter. It’s just getting through that messy middle.
Victoria Volk: About how long do you generally work with a person, an individual, or a couple through the process?
Leah Hadley: So through the divorce, it just depends on the divorce itself. You know, it could be anywhere from three months to three years, really. But ongoing, you know, we work with people through their lifetime. So
Victoria Volk: And do you is it chart, like, a charge, like, per session? Or do you have packages? Like, how do you set up that that work environment for people.
Leah Hadley: Yeah. So on the divorce side of the business, we try to do as much as we can on a flat fee basis. Based on financial complexity. That’s because, you know, we want people to ask us questions. A lot of times, people won’t faster or surety questions because they’re worried about the bill. And so we really try to structure it that way. In terms of the investment management financial planning that we do ongoing basis. That is also on a flat fee for financial planning or a percentage of the assets that we manage, for portfolio manage.
Victoria Volk: Awesome. Well, I have learned a lot today, and I thank you for your time and your personal story and experience of what brought you to the work you’re doing today. And I I I always say this, but I think ninety nine point nine percent of the guests I have in my podcast, they’re doing what they do today because of their past experience. It’s, you know, we find our purpose through our pain often. And so I’m glad that you have phoned yourself in this situation to be of service to others in this way. I’m, you know, unfortunately, you had to go through some difficult times to get there, but I think I think anybody who’s been through a challenging time or a really hard transition eventually. We look back and like, oh, man, that sucked, but it sure really helped build my resilience and empower me to be who I am today. And I think that’s the message I want people to take away from today’s podcast is, one, plan ahead. Two, you’re not a failure. It’s it’s learning. Right? You’re always learning. And three, it’s this is temporary. Right? There’s hope. Absolutely. And your corner.
Leah Hadley: Well, thank you so much for the opportunity to be here with you. It was really my pleasure.
Victoria Volk: Thank you. And I will put links to your resources in the show notes. Again, divorce resource toolkit. Get your hands on it. Share it with someone you love who’s going through this that really could use some empowering information, you know, some baby steps. Information at least. So thank you again. And when remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Grieving Voices Podcast, solo episode, Spirituality |
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
For this week’s episode, I drew inspiration from an oracle deck by creator Colette Baron-Reid called Postcards from Spirit. Its message to you, my audience, and myself was the importance of stepping back to observe our thoughts and behaviors. This card pull reading inspired me to share my personal experience in decision-making as it relates to my business and how stepping away helped me gain clarity. The episode touches on human design, emotional authority, and the traps of fear-based decisions while offering encouragement.
Key Points Discussed:
- Oracle Card Inspiration: Victoria begins by sharing an Oracle card reading meant to provide guidance for herself and listeners.
- Observation as a Tool: Emphasizes the value of being an observer of life’s situations rather than reacting impulsively or emotionally.
- Personal Anecdote on Decision Making: I share a recent, behind-the-scene experience in making a business decision.
- Human Design Insights: This is a brief introduction to Human Design elements, such as ’emotional authority,’ that impact decision-making processes.
- Growth Through Challenges: Encourages embracing opportunities that push us beyond our comfort zones for personal growth.
- Grief Reflections: The observation theme is connected to grieving, urging listeners to examine their beliefs about suffering and healing.
- Taking Action Toward Peaceful Living: Inspires listeners to take small steps towards observing their inner selves for peace.
- I invite anyone who wants to further the discussion or would like additional support to reach out for a free consultation.
RESOURCES:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
In the hustle and bustle of our daily lives, we’re often swept up in a whirlwind of emotions and hurried decisions. This week on Grieving Voices, we delve into the profound wisdom found within Colette Baron Reid’s Postcards from Spirit oracle deck – a message that serves as a gentle reminder about the power of stepping back to gain clarity.
The Message: Neutrality is Key
The card pulled speaks volumes: “Observe rather than act.” It’s an invitation to take a breath, step out of the chaos, and look at situations with fresh eyes. In doing so, we allow ourselves space for neutrality in decision-making. But what does it mean to be neutral?
Neutrality doesn’t imply indifference or lack of care; instead, it means approaching decisions without being clouded by intense emotions or biases. It’s about finding balance between detachment and engagement – observing your thoughts and feelings without immediately reacting to them.
Personal Reflections
As your host Victoria shared from her personal journey, making significant choices such as investing in a business coach can stir up an array of emotions including fear, excitement, doubt, and hope. She navigated this crossroad through journaling and open discussions which allowed her to step back from the emotional edge.
Here are some ways you can apply this practice:
– Journaling: Write down your thoughts without censorship. Seeing your fears or hopes on paper can make them less overwhelming.
– Talking it Out: Discussing options with trusted friends or mentors provides new perspectives.
– Waiting Period: Give yourself time before making big decisions; sleep on it if necessary.
Applying Wisdom Amidst Grief
Grief has its own complex layers that affect decision-making processes profoundly. When you’re grieving – whether over lost loved ones or past versions of yourself – old beliefs may surface like uninvited guests at dinner time.
Ask yourself:
– Am I choosing based on fear?
– Are my decisions trying to avoid pain rather than embracing growth?
Observation becomes crucial here because grief can obscure our view like foggy glasses. By cleaning those lenses through observation, you might find peace amidst turmoil.
Supportive Steps Forward
Remember that observing isn’t passive; it’s an active process towards informed choices leading toward healing and potential fulfillment. As mentioned in Grieving Voices podcast:
1) Reflect deeply on how past experiences influence current choices.
2) Seek support when needed – consultations offer professional guidance.
3) Embrace patience with yourself during difficult times.
Tune In For More Insights
If these ideas resonate with you or spark curiosity about navigating life’s challenges more mindfully—be sure not miss next week’s episode! Available across platforms like iTunes, Google Podcasts & Spotify (you can even ask Alexa), each session aims at empowering listeners towards unleashing their heart’s full capacity—because ultimately unlocking one’s heart unlocks life itself!
Let us all remember: there is immense strength found within moments where we choose simply observe before leaping into action—it is there that clarity emerges from calmness much love until next time!
Episode Transcription:
Victoria: Hello. Hello. Thank you for tuning in to this week’s episode of grieving voices. I am your host, Victoria. And I wasn’t sure what I was going to do for today’s episode in just decided I would pull a card from one of my oracle decks to see if I felt inspired. And I chose my favorite deck to pull a card from. And it’s called postcards from Spirit, and it’s from been created by Colette Baron Reid, who is the bestselling author of the map and uncharted. I have not read her books, but I might have to just because I absolutely love this deck so much. I bring it to expos and public events that I go to where I share about grief recovery and the grief work that I do and energy healing, and I ask people if they would like a a card pulled. And the is the deck I usually use and it’s amazing to me how people read these cards and they’re brought to tears. It’s as if it really is a message from one of their dearly departed, just giving them a message of of hope or comfort or just exactly what they needed to hear that day. And so when I pulled this card, I pulled it with the intention of what my audience, what you out there may need to hear today. And So I’m gonna read the card and then I’m just gonna share some reflections around it and my thoughts about it. Deer you. Now as one of those times, you’re being asked to add some distance. Take a step back and do nothing but observe. Don’t worry about how long it will take to regroup. Just know it’s temporary and actually an opportunity to take a breath, slow down and look at how far you’ve come. Decisions for the highest good are made when you have clarity, which comes from being open to information from both the intellect, and the intuition. When you step into the role of observer, it’s as if you turn on a switch that allows your soul to be an essential part of the information gathering and decision making process. In this way, you can approach things from a more neutral and non judgmental place. We know you’ll make the right choice. Trust us when we say now is not the time to get too close to the fray. Step back now. You will be glad you did. When I read that, I thought a lot about just how we go about our day to day, not even being an observer. Of our own behavior, of our beliefs, of the thoughts that we have about ourselves, Maybe even others, judgments of others, a quick glance and we have this quick thought We don’t observe our own thoughts. We don’t take the time enough to observe ourselves, our behavior, our thoughts, our beliefs, all of it. And I think what I’ve personally learned just even through human design, in my human design as a manifesto, which I’ll link in the show notes if you’re not sure what that is. I’m not gonna go down that rabbit hole today, but what I learned is, for me, what I need to do to get my clarity and to observe is to step away from whatever it is is activating me in the moment. Whether it is a decision to be made or I’m gathering information like this is the perfect card probably for me and this is probably something I needed to hear too. But a reminder for me and you that if you are an emotional authority in human design, which is fifty percent of the population, If you are an emotional authority, you have to ride your emotional wave. We are not in a Claire And we are not clear in our decision making process. We are not in a neutral place. When we make decisions on an emotional high or in an emotional low. I’ll give you an example. I recently was like February or so I had been well, starting in January, actually, I had been debating on if I wanted to hire the certain business coach. And I it just threw me into this emotional roller coaster that was so unexpected it was a significant investment. I’d never invested that much in myself nor for my personal development in my business for I’ve invested plenty. Trust me, in my certifications and in learning. And growing for my business, but never to this degree. And it really just threw me for a loop. I I mean, I was I couldn’t sleep. I was trying to intellectually rationalize why I thought I wanted this, why I couldn’t afford it, or why I didn’t deserve it, or all these things like it was it was literally like an emotional roller coaster. And but what was at the heart of it was that in what I came to understand when I stepped away and journaled through my emotions, which, you know, I have a defined throat. If you have a defined throat, you need to get this stuff out. I think either way, you need to get the stuff out, but, you know, emotionally or you know, with sound or singing or poetry, like, the if you have a defined throat, like, you have a motor in your throat that needs to get things up and out verbally. And So I started to do that. I started to talk with some trusted friends, talk it through with trusted friends, journal it through, and really did my due diligence on making sure that I was gonna get to a place that I felt like it was a decision that was coming from a neutral place and that I wasn’t trying to intellectualize my decision, and I wasn’t trying to shut down my intuition at at the same time. Honoring both, the both and, like, I can feel scared, but I can also feel excited about this opportunity Not knowing, will I ever get this opportunity again to work with this person? At the end of the day and after weeks, trust me, it was weeks. I even asked for an extra week to give my final decision, which they were so graceful in doing. I came to the decision that this is exactly what I needed. And what I wanted for myself and for my business and I can tell you that it has been one of the most stretching things I have ever done in recent years. Aside probably since I went through my grief recovery program, since I worked through my grief the very first time. In twenty nineteen when I got certified and went through the program for great recovery myself. So a lot’s changed for me since that time, but just since signing up with this coach, it was almost like that act of of choosing and doing that has really stretched me and that’s what I wanted. I wanted growth in a different way. I wanted to challenge my beliefs around what I deserved or what was, you know, money. Money is a huge issue for so many people. But I found a way. I found a way, and I have made a way. And because it was a priority, for me. And but I had to come to the place of being an observer first. And how many decisions do we make? Not observing. Just making a fear based decision. For the most part, I think most of us make fear based decisions. Had I said no to this opportunity, which I was looking at it like an opportunity number one, but had I said no to it, I thought that through to the end, like, I would have I I would have felt like I missed an opportunity to expand and grow my business in a way that I couldn’t see it for myself. And also, I know myself well enough to know then I need some accountability. And, you know, so some of us, you know, do really well answering to ourselves what some of us need. More than that, some of us need accountability, partners, or somebody to, hey, did you do that thing? And I’m very good at pushing people off the ledge. Of whatever it is they’re trying to do or wanting to do. So if you need a ledge pusher like I’m your gal, if there is a dream or a goal that you’ve been putting on the back burner and have been afraid to do, I can be your courage, your ounce of courage that you need. And I can be your pusher because I love pushing people. To meet their potential. And that comes back to my u map, which I have Maximizer in my top ten, so I love to maximize other people into their meeting their potential. Anyway, I’m getting on a tangent of view map and human design and all of that. But coming back to this card, I want you just to think about and maybe listen to it again in the framework of your grief. You know, if you’re not observing yourself, and your beliefs, and your grief, what is that costing you? Do you believe that you are just destined to suffer the rest of your life? That how you’re feeling today? Is how you’re just always gonna feel and why bother? That was me at one time? That’s a lie. I’ll tell you that is a lie. Check-in with your intuition. Make a point to observe yourself. Observe your behavior, observe your thoughts? Like, why am I thinking this way? Why do I think that is true? What is the evidence? What proof do I have? We will always look for the proof in whatever of how we perceive things. We will look for the proof to back that up. Right? We don’t like to be challenged in our in our thought patterns and beliefs. Particularly, we don’t like it. But that’s what I think is what’s keeping so many people stuck in their grief in particular. Is they’re not being challenged in that way. They’re not challenging themselves. They’re not being the observer of their own selves because we can we can project our pain and our suffering on other people all we want, but it’s not gonna bring us to peace. That’s an inside job. Peace is an inside job. And it starts with being an observer. And that’s that’s my reflection on this card and I’m really glad I just, you know, I needed some inspiration for today’s episode, and I it was the perfect card. For today, for you, and for me, a reminder of how far I’ve come, Since I’ve been working on my grief in early twenty nineteen, my life has just exploded in the best way. In growth, in learning, and It’s expanded in all areas of my life really. You know, I worked out this morning and it was a really hard workout. That I hadn’t done in quite some time. In fact, I hadn’t picked up weights in quite some time. I had been doing power walks and stuff, but because I’d yeah. I’d hired a biz I’d I’d hired a health coach and was working with her and did was doing awesome. But for whatever reason, I can’t remember there was something that happened and it just kinda derailed me and I just I wasn’t picking up the weights anymore, and now I’m back to square one. When you don’t use it, you lose it. And that is the truth when it whether it’s your body, your mind, your heart, If you don’t give yourself love, you lose it, you start to lose it for yourself. And So yeah, I hope this inspired you to take some sort of small action today If you want to discuss further or talk deeper about whatever came up for you, I would love that. I’m all for free consultations. If I can better help and serve you, I that’s what I’m here to do. And otherwise, I will see you next week here in iTunes. Google Podcasts or Spotify wherever you’re listening to me. It’s available on all platforms. You can even say, Alexa, play, griving voices, podcasts, and it’ll start playing. So, I’m here when you need me. And remember, When you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Grief Tips, Grieving Voices Guest, Mental Health, Mind/Body Wellness, Pet Loss |
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Welcome to another profound episode of Grieving Voices, where we explore the emotional intricacies of dealing with loss and healing.
Today’s guest is Denise Schonwald, a registered nurse turned nationally licensed therapist. With her holistic approach to care that encompasses mental, physical, and spiritual well-being, she offers insights into nurturing both body and mind.
In this episode:
- Discover how Denise transitioned from critical care nursing into mental health support.
- Understand why honoring commitments is crucial for personal trust and self-care.
- Learn about the high burnout rates in nursing – especially post-COVID – and how self-care can prevent it.
- Explore the importance of emotional intelligence in recognizing when you’re inflicting suffering on yourself through poor self-care choices.
- Gain strategies for managing anger effectively without damaging relationships or your own well-being.
- Delve into people pleasing: why we do it, its impacts on our lives, and how to establish healthier boundaries.
- Hear about grief’s “waiting room” – what keeps us there and how to move forward.
Denise’s journey from a nurse fascinated by the intricacies of human anatomy to a spiritual teacher and family mediator is nothing short of inspiring. She has woven her experiences into a tapestry that offers comfort and guidance to those navigating emotional turmoil.
Through her narrative, Denise uncovers an essential truth: honoring personal commitments is pivotal. When we falter on these promises to ourselves, trust erodes, leaving us vulnerable to self-inflicted suffering.
Self-care isn’t just about indulgence; it’s preventative maintenance for our souls—something Denise has embraced through meditation and mindful practices like Reiki. These practices have been instrumental in managing stress levels after witnessing patients’ crises firsthand as a critical care nurse and mental health professional.
Denise sheds light on how emotions like frustration are precursors to anger—an emotion many grapple with yet struggle to manage effectively.
RESOURCES:
*Denise is generously offering my listeners a free copy of one of her books. Reach out to her through her website to receive your FREE copy today!*
CONNECT:
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Insights on Personal Commitments and Emotional Management
In the labyrinth of life, we often find ourselves at crossroads where our hearts bear the heavy toll of grief. Today, I had the privilege to converse with Denise Schonewald—a beacon of solace and understanding in such turbulent times.
Denise’s journey from a nurse fascinated by the intricacies of human anatomy to a spiritual teacher and family mediator is nothing short of inspiring. She has woven her experiences into a tapestry that offers comfort and guidance to those navigating emotional turmoil.
Through her narrative, Denise uncovers an essential truth: honoring personal commitments is pivotal. When we falter on these promises to ourselves, trust erodes, leaving us vulnerable to self-inflicted suffering. It’s akin to constructing a dam without acknowledging the river—eventually, the waters will breach their confines.
She sheds light on how emotions like frustration are precursors to anger—an emotion many grapple with yet struggle to manage effectively. Her approach? Acknowledgment paired with therapeutic tools like tuning forks that recalibrate our emotional energy.
One profound aspect she touches upon is people-pleasing—a double-edged sword that while momentarily alleviating anxiety can lead us astray from our true selves. Clear communication and solid values stand as sentinels guarding against this tendency.
As someone who has experienced loss closely through my son’s grieving over his friend’s suicide, Denise’s insights resonate deeply. Creating safe spaces for expression and being present in silence are powerful acts of support during grief.
Nurturing the Soul Through Meditation and Mindful Practices
Self-care isn’t just about indulgence; it’s preventative maintenance for our souls—something I’ve embraced through meditation and mindful practices like Reiki which have been instrumental in managing stress levels after witnessing patients’ crises firsthand as a critical care nurse.
Wisdom and Practical Guidance
Denise reminds us that preparing for tomorrow doesn’t mean living in fear but rather simplifying life so we can face what comes with grace and resilience.
Her work goes beyond counsel—it provides hope anchored in real-world wisdom honed through years of helping others navigate their darkest hours.
And if you’re wondering about tangible steps towards healing? Engage with nature or nurture—a pet or even a plant—to foster growth amidst sorrow.
For those seeking more than words, Denise extends an invitation: visit deniseschonewall.com for resources including mental health quizzes and books designed not merely as reads but as companions along your journey toward healing.
The essence here is clear: Unleash your heart because within its beats lies untold strength capable of weathering any storm—with love serving as both anchor and compass guiding us home.
Episode Transcription:
Victoria Volk
00:00:00 – 00:00:38
Welcome to grieving voices. Thank you for joining me today and listening. And today I have Denise Schonewald with me. She is a dedicated registered nurse for over 30 years, a seamlessly transitioned into a nationally licensed mental health counselor and published author based in Sarasota, Florida. With a deep understanding of the emotional challenges faced by patients and their families, Denise’s holistic approach integrates mental and physical well-being. As a spiritual teacher and certified family mediator, she brings a unique perspective to her private practice, offering support to clients nationwide through virtual sessions.
Victoria Volk
00:00:39 – 00:00:55
Denise is committed to nurturing both body and mind, providing flexible and accessible care for individuals, couples, families and even young thinkers starting at the age of 4. Thank you so much for being here and also thank you for a copy of your book.
Denise Schonwald
00:00:56 – 00:00:59
Oh, terrific. I’m glad you received it. Welcome.
Victoria Volk
00:01:00 – 00:01:30
It’s insightful self-therapy, increasing your awareness about mental health and how to live a happier life. And I will put a link to that in the show notes, and we’ll actually be talking. I’ll be there’s a couple of things I have noted that I would like to talk about that you mentioned in the book, but first I’m curious what brought you into the nursing profession and you know, it’s in a way a healer profession. What brought you there?
Denise Schonwald
00:01:31 – 00:02:07
Well, I love how fascinating and sophisticated the body is. So I always saw myself in some sort of nursing. I considered just very briefly being a physician, but and I love also helping people. I did my specialty was critical care, and working with people who are very sick and dying is quite an honor and very stressful. And I just it was just a wonderful career until I was getting to the point where I was getting too old to do the grind of 12-hour shifts and call and nights and weekends and holidays.
Denise Schonwald
00:02:07 – 00:02:13
And so the transition for me to into mental health was an easy one.
Victoria Volk
00:02:13 – 00:02:19
What would you say to a young person who is just pursuing a career in nursing?
Denise Schonwald
00:02:20 – 00:02:58
I think a lot of people go into nursing, a lot of the young people that I meet, because it’s a wonderful career. I mean, you certainly have a lot of opportunities. You can certainly do very well financially. But what I really encourage them to do is not to forget that these are people that are going through very tough experiences. And I think a lot of times, we get caught with the clinical aspect of ordering meds and titrating drips and so forth, and we forget that these patients are going through something very very difficult, probably one of the most difficult things I’ve ever gone through, not only physically, but emotionally and sometimes spiritually.
Victoria Volk
00:02:59 – 00:03:18
What do you think is the highest indicator or greatest indicator of a nurse who will burn out in that career because they can be a very high burnout rate in that career as well, especially with COVID. I mean, you can you saw it. We saw it happening before our eyes.
Denise Schonwald
00:03:19 – 00:03:45
Yes. One thing when people are either physically sick or emotionally struggling, they pull energy. They only they’re thinking about themselves. They’re focused on themselves, rightly so, because they’re sick. And as healers and helpers, we understand that it takes a lot out of us to try to help them and nurture them, not only physically and emotionally.
Denise Schonwald
00:03:45 – 00:04:00
And when nurses and physicians and and mental health counselors don’t do their own work, so when we get home, we have to recover from that with self-care and exercise and rest, then we’re likely to burn out.
Victoria Volk
00:04:01 – 00:04:17
In your book, one thing I jotted down was, and I didn’t really think about this in terms of how we can inflict suffering on ourselves, but I think there’s actually a book. Oh gosh. The four agreements.
Denise Schonwald
00:04:17 – 00:04:18
Yeah. Love it.
Victoria Volk
00:04:18 – 00:04:35
Yeah. Yeah. But you mentioned in your book, the importance of honoring commitments. And when you think about the flip side of that, of dishonoring our commitments, and one of the commitments can be self-care to ourselves, right? Just self-care.
Denise Schonwald
00:04:35 – 00:04:35
Yeah.
Victoria Volk
00:04:36 – 00:04:40
But can you speak a little bit about the importance of honoring our commitments?
Denise Schonwald
00:04:42 – 00:05:10
If you think about relationships, the only thing that we can sort of we rely on with each other is trust. And when I tell you that I’m going to do something or you tell me that you’re going to help me with something and you don’t do that, that really betrays my trust. And so that’s difficult to recover from. But what I find more frequently is people, and individuals really don’t honor themselves. They don’t get enough self-care.
Denise Schonwald
00:05:10 – 00:05:34
They don’t, sometimes when I talk to patients about self-care, they say, I don’t have time for that. And I say, well, you’ll either make time for self-care or you’re gonna have to make time for illness because the body cannot sustain if we don’t nurture it. And I’m not really sure why as a society now, we’re neglecting our own self-care care for sacrificing it for helping others.
Victoria Volk
00:05:37 – 00:06:10
You know, there’s been periods of time in my life where I’ve been guilty of sabotaging my own self-care. It’s like in those moments of, like, extreme challenge or being confronted with something really challenging, that that’s when you need to double down on your self-care. And me personally, I think I’ve had to learn that lesson several times. Like, okay, this is when I need to really double down on taking a break and needing a mental break. And so I’m glad that you mentioned that in your book.
Victoria Volk
00:06:11 – 00:06:41
In that same vein, you talk there’s another aspect of your book where you talk about the importance of emotional intelligence. And I think as we develop that emotional intelligence, we have that obviously more self-awareness when we realize that we’re self-sabotaging our self, you know, our own self-care and things like that. What have you found in your practice has been helpful for people that you’ve worked with and even for yourself in developing emotional intelligence?
Denise Schonwald
00:06:42 – 00:06:57
Here’s a very easy way. 1 is notice, not judge. Notice how as an individual that we’re starting to act. Are we all of a sudden very irritable? Are we going to the refrigerator one too many times for more food?
Denise Schonwald
00:06:57 – 00:07:26
Usually, when we’re very stressed emotionally, we go for sugar and carbs just automatically. Watch how much we’re drinking. If we’re smoking, watch how much we’re smoking because the body is trying to balance. And if we’re not doing healthy things, the mind becomes very active, and we start reaching for things in the environment that are unhealthy, spending, too much screen time. It’s something that the body is trying to find ease.
Denise Schonwald
00:07:26 – 00:07:30
But, unfortunately, if the mind’s in charge, it’s likely not gonna be a good choice.
Victoria Volk
00:07:31 – 00:08:10
My personal go-to is anger. So when I’m, like, just this last week, last week was a doozy of a week. I had some credit card fraud on my website, and it’s like when I thought that the week couldn’t start off any worse, it snowballed. I’ve lost access to my business Facebook page. Like, it’s been just technical, like stupid stuff that, I actually like the Facebook page thing was my own stupidity, not realizing what I was doing, but it’s really created a lot of anger to come up inside me.
Victoria Volk
00:08:10 – 00:08:27
And I find that when I’m angry, and I would love to talk about anger more because I think it’s a really important emotion that we have. But when I find that I’m getting angry, I don’t eat. I don’t drink. I don’t want it. I don’t want people to even talk to me.
Victoria Volk
00:08:28 – 00:08:32
Don’t talk to me. I just I need to sit with my anger.
Denise Schonwald
00:08:32 – 00:08:33
Mhmm.
Victoria Volk
00:08:33 – 00:09:01
And I know not everybody’s like that. Like, a lot of people will just that like you said, they’ll reach for the refrigerator or they’ll go shopping to distract themselves. But for me, it’s like I have and it I it doesn’t come out very pretty either. So, like, how do you reconcile that? Like, when the anger is coming out and up, it’s like and you have people around you and you don’t wanna be, you know, you don’t wanna be a jerk.
Denise Schonwald
00:09:01 – 00:09:01
Mhmm.
Victoria Volk
00:09:01 – 00:09:07
What is your advice for that? Because I’m sure there’s a lot of people out there listening like, that’s me.
Denise Schonwald
00:09:07 – 00:09:25
Yes. One of the things, as a therapist that I do when I meet someone is I’m trying to figure out where they are emotionally. Like, where is their emotional frequency? It’s actually measured in something called Hertz. Anger is around a 150 Hertz.
Denise Schonwald
00:09:25 – 00:09:52
So it’s a low vibrational energy, but it’s got a lot of intensity. So anger, ego, jealousy, they’re all around the same sort of frequency. And when we get to that point, we likely are going to say something or do something. We can no longer hold it in. And after we say something or do something, likely, we feel either very guilty or shameful about how we just acted out.
Denise Schonwald
00:09:53 – 00:10:27
And then many times, we feel very sad and depressed. Both anger and shame and depression are take a lot of energy from the body, both very extreme emotions. For me, personally, when I want to say something out of anger or ego, let somebody know how I really feel, I remind myself not to say a word. Because even if I do, it’s not likely going to be well received. I will say, however, right now, I really don’t feel like I’m in a good place to talk about this.
Denise Schonwald
00:10:27 – 00:10:38
I would like a little time to, you know, think about it or whatever I wanna say just to give myself a little bit of space knowing that I’m going to very dangerous territory because I’m already pretty darn angry.
Victoria Volk
00:10:40 – 00:10:45
And it’s not even like I’m getting angry at people around me. They’re just trying to ask me a question
Denise Schonwald
00:10:45 – 00:10:45
Mmm
Victoria Volk
00:10:46 – 00:11:17
or they’re and I’m just so wrapped up in my own anger that I can’t even have a conversation. But you bring up a good point. I never I so one of the service offerings I have is, biofuel tuning with tuning forks. And so it’s interesting that you mentioned the hurts of anger, because I never thought personally to get out my tuning fork, maybe just come to my office, light a candle and you know, just strike my fork
Denise Schonwald
00:11:18 – 00:11:18
Yes.
Victoria Volk
00:11:18 – 00:11:19
Few times.
Denise Schonwald
00:11:19 – 00:11:35
Vibrational energy to go a little bit higher
Victoria Volk
00:11:21 – 00:11:21
Yeah
Denise Schonwald
00:11:21 – 00:11:35
to get through that anger. Yes. The other thing is underneath anger, and I when I work with little children who have anger issues, I pretend it’s an umbrella. And I say, what’s underneath the angry umbrella? I’m frustrated.
Denise Schonwald
00:11:35 – 00:11:50
I’m overwhelmed. I’m disappointed. And I try to give them some language so that it doesn’t just come out in door slamming or screaming or calling names. And I go, okay. Let’s let’s think about the what’s under the angry umbrella.
Denise Schonwald
00:11:50 – 00:11:52
It’s actually very helpful for me too.
Victoria Volk
00:11:53 – 00:11:59
I will probably remember the umbrella the next time because I’m sure this issue that I’m dealing with is not over yet. And so, I’m suspecting some more anger will pop up
Denise Schonwald
00:12:00 – 00:12:00
uh-humm
Victoria Volk
00:12:00 – 00:12:39
as a result, but, thank you for that. I also wanna talk about people pleasing, which you mentioned in your book too, because just this past weekend, there was a skit on SNL. Ariana Grande was on and it was a people-pleasing support group skit. And, you know, it was it kinda was making fun of the people pleasing, but it had it was interesting that SNL is addressing this on their show
Denise Schonwald
00:12:40 – 00:12:40
Mmmor
Victoria Volk
00:12:40 – 00:12:41
talking about it on their show in this way.
Victoria Volk
00:12:41 – 00:12:56
But, you know, what people were saying was, oh, no worries. You know, because they had their lines to say, and one of them was, no worries. Whatever you decide and, you know, what do you think? Well, I’m I’m okay with whatever you think, you know, and so it was kind of exaggerating things. Right?
Victoria Volk
00:12:56 – 00:13:25
But I heard myself in what they were saying in some of these things, like, no worries, you know. What is what are some techniques for people to stop themselves when to recognize again, it’s developing that emotional intelligence about people pleasing first, but what are some suggestions that you have for people to get out of that? First of all, why do we do it? And then secondly, how do we stop it?
Denise Schonwald
00:13:26 – 00:13:37
Well, the reason why we do it is when someone’s unhappy or they don’t have something, it causes us a lot of anxiety, and we want to go in and fix it. And I might say, well, I wanna do it because I wanna help them but what I really want to do is make myself feel better about it.
Victoria Volk
00:13:37 – 00:13:37
Mmm..
Denise Schonwald
00:13:38 – 00:14:09
And so we have to be careful of that. And so what I tell a lot of people is when somebody’s unhappy or some they’re going through something, you can be supportive without fixing it. Because sometimes when we please, every the other person gets very resentful and frustrated because we’re coming in and we’re trying to just rescue and take care of when that’s not what they’ve asked for.
Denise Schonwald
00:14:09 – 00:14:45
They’re just letting us know they’re upset about something or some situation. But what happens with people pleasers, if we can imagine drawing a circle, and inside the circle should be our personal values and ethics and what makes us different from the next person. What is it that we know to be true about us? And when we meet people, they will figure out fairly quickly what’s inside our circle, what our values are, and they will like us or not like us or align with us or not. Does it mean one’s good or bad?
Denise Schonwald
00:14:45 – 00:15:17
Just means we understand and we appreciate each other or we don’t. The people pleaser circle has a lot of gaps in it. And what happens with them, unfortunately, is they will fall prey to people who are very manipulative and controlling. Because somebody who’s manipulative and controlling, they’re masterful at finding a people pleaser. And so when the people pleaser pleases, they’ll walk away knowing that they really may not have wanted to do what they just volunteered to do.
Denise Schonwald
00:15:18 – 00:15:34
And then they get a lot of they betrayed themselves, and they also have supported somebody to be very manipulative and to be very unkind. And that is really hard on the body.
Victoria Volk
00:15:34 – 00:15:34
You can see why.
Denise Schonwald
00:15:35 – 00:15:35
Mhmm.
Victoria Volk
00:15:35 – 00:15:45
So in the dynamics of friendship and when we think about grief and what I hear a lot too is and I know people that have had this personal experience, but when you are going through something really challenging and you’re reaching out to people and they’re not showing up in a way that you need them to
Denise Schonwald
00:15:46 – 00:15:46
Mhmm.
Victoria Volk
00:15:47 – 00:16:23
or are asking them to, how do you reconcile that where I don’t know how I’m trying to ask this, because it kind of revolves around people pleasing. It’s like, what if 2 people pleasers? I guess. You know, if you’re 2 people pleasers, and then you one person has, like, a really difficult time and needs the other person, and yet they can’t they just can’t do it.
Victoria Volk
00:16:23 – 00:16:39
They just they’re not able to support you. And so how do you reconcile honoring where someone else is at that they just can’t support you in that time? Because this can happen with grievers too a lot. Right?
Denise Schonwald
00:16:40 – 00:16:40
Yes
Victoria Volk
00:16:40 – 00:16:47
Like, this is where friendships kind of can break down and break apart, because people aren’t showing up for you how you hoped.
Denise Schonwald
00:16:47 – 00:16:47
Yes
Victoria Volk
00:16:48 – 00:16:50
Yeah. Can you speak to that a little bit?
Denise Schonwald
00:16:50 – 00:17:36
And I think with people pleasers, I think sort of the fear is that they’re going to hurt or disappoint someone. And what I try to do is help them with language because you can express how you feel without being insulting or dismissive. What I have found with grief is many people get very uncomfortable with grief, and they don’t know what to say, so they will say something very insensitive. Not meaning to, but they can hurt your feelings because they just sort of speak out of fear, and then they say something that is very hurtful. So what I tell people is understand that it’s just a very uncomfortable situation, and a lot of people don’t really feel comfortable navigating it.
Denise Schonwald
00:17:37 – 00:17:56
If they’re offering something that you really don’t want or won’t appreciate, it’s thank you so much. That’s so thoughtful. Maybe next week would be better to drop off whatever, some food or something like that. It’s always complimenting and appreciating, but then also letting them know what would work best.
Victoria Volk
00:17:59 – 00:18:01
So you bring up boundaries
Denise Schonwald
00:18:01 – 00:18:01
Yes
Victoria Volk
00:18:01 – 00:18:03
in a way in a roundabout way.
Denise Schonwald
00:18:03 – 00:18:03
I do.
Victoria Volk
00:18:04 – 00:18:12
So, I actually wanted to talk about that because you have a great exercise for creating boundaries in your book. Do you mind sharing that?
Denise Schonwald
00:18:12 – 00:18:16
Well, is that about the circle? Is that what I talked about about the 2nd?
Victoria Volk
00:18:16 – 00:18:20
Yes. Yes. You did. Yeah. You did touch on that when it came to yeah.
Denise Schonwald
00:18:20 – 00:18:38
Yes. And so what I tell people when your circle is clearly defined, you don’t have to defend it. You don’t have to overexplain it. You don’t have to get nasty when somebody but people will test boundaries. They want to know, like, what you will accept, what you won’t tolerate.
Denise Schonwald
00:18:39 – 00:18:55
It’s very important that we all understand that. As a therapist, as you can imagine, I get a lot of good experience and practice with boundaries. People are can be very manipulative, and why can’t you do this, and why can’t you see me there? And I said, listen. I would be happy to.
Denise Schonwald
00:18:55 – 00:19:16
Unfortunately, I’m not able to do it today, but I certainly have time tomorrow or Wednesday. If that’s acceptable to them, they go, okay. Thank you very much. If it’s not, that means that they’re not that there’s no boundary there. They don’t they would prefer that I don’t have boundaries, and it’s not going to be a good fit.
Denise Schonwald
00:19:16 – 00:19:30
I don’t wanna support them to be manipulative and abusive, nor do I want to run myself to the point where I’m exhausted and I’m no good to anyone. So I honor them, and I also honor myself with boundaries.
Victoria Volk
00:19:31 – 00:19:52
I was just gonna say, and that’s where a lot of helpers get themselves into trouble is yeah. And it and that ties in with the people pleasing. Right? Where you just you want to be supportive, you wanna be helpful, and it’s often to your own detriment when you’re not recognizing or acknowledging that boundaries are healthy, and they’re good for both parties involved.
Denise Schonwald
00:19:52 – 00:20:18
They really are. And if we don’t have, boundaries, what we end up doing is have being very bitter and resentful. Because we feel like people are taking advantage of us, and they are, but we’re also allowing that. So we also have to take responsibility for that. And, again, it’s getting comfortable just having these conversations nicely and then allowing the other person to accept it or not.
Victoria Volk
00:20:19 – 00:21:05
Yep. Absolutely. What I like you what you said about grief too, you know, when you get to that point where all these things just kind of where you realize you need boundaries and you start honoring your own commitments and you’re recognizing that you’re a people pleaser and you’re doing all these things and you have all this awareness, you can find yourself in a lot of grief just because like you said, when you’re start implementing these things in your life and having these awarenesses, people can it can rub people the wrong way. And that’s where these, you know, friendships and relationships can deteriorate as a result.
Denise Schonwald
00:21:01 – 00:21:01
Mmm.
Victoria Volk
00:21:01 – 00:21:06
And there’s grief in that, especially if it’s been a long-time friend or whatever the scenario may be, or even a marriage or a partnership and, and things.
Victoria Volk
00:21:06 – 00:21:10
I like how you said grief is it’s like you can become stuck in the waiting room.
Denise Schonwald
00:21:10 – 00:21:10
Mmm
Victoria Volk
00:21:11 – 00:21:29
And so many people get stuck in the waiting room. And me personally, I was stuck in the waiting room Most of my adult life. I was a child griever and I, you know, you carry that stuff with you from childhood into adulthood and all the trauma and the mess and the baggage. Right?
Denise Schonwald
00:21:29 – 00:21:29
Mmm
Victoria Volk
00:21:29 – 00:21:42
You carry it with you into adulthood. And, I mean, only in the past 5 years, have I had this leaps and bounds of self-awareness and growth and reconnecting with my own intuition and my own knowing.
Denise Schonwald
00:21:42 – 00:21:42
Mmm
Victoria Volk
00:21:43 – 00:21:55
But can you speak to the philosophy you have about that and then about treating grief with medication and your philosophy around that?
Denise Schonwald
00:21:56 – 00:22:27
One of the things about grief, and I tell people this all the time, there’s no way of going around it. You have to just go through it. And you we’re we get so frightened of pain. But also with pain is I try to remind people, and this has been helpful in my own life, I try to look for meaning. Because what you said was so true about relationships, people that you think will show up for you sometimes don’t, and people that you think really didn’t even know you that well will show up.
Denise Schonwald
00:22:28 – 00:23:04
So grief will cause this major shift, and what you’re gonna get from it, hard to say. And it’s just something that that it just surprises me. But what I tried to find through my own grieving times is what how can I come through this a better person? One thing about with death, even back when I was in my critical care days, is boy I had such an appreciation for life and relationships and so forth. Also, for me to be more compassionate when other people are grieving.
Denise Schonwald
00:23:04 – 00:23:27
We tend to go to the funeral and maybe check in once, and then we go on to our daily lives. But yet, that’s when it’s the most difficult, you know, when things start to settle down. And so I’ve made myself a mental note to reach out to a lot of people that are grieving and suffering, just checking in. Not offering to help, not offering to just hey. How are you doing?
Denise Schonwald
00:23:27 – 00:23:33
Giving them that space to just speak their truth and how they’re feeling. It’s very important.
Victoria Volk
00:23:35 – 00:24:03
Do you find working in the mental health or the area of mental health and obviously with and things like that. Do you find because I’ve I’m feeling like, you know, there’s so much heaviness in the world. There’s so much sorrow and, suffering. Really? I mean, suffering.
Victoria Volk
00:24:03 – 00:24:03
Yeah.
Denise Schonwald
00:24:03 – 00:24:04
I agree.
Victoria Volk
00:24:04 – 00:24:53
It’s like, I feel like sometimes I just want to cocoon myself. And it’s like, you know, when you are work and when you work in this space, it’s like sometimes I think to myself, do people expect that I should do or behave or respond a certain way because I’m the grief expert or I work with grievers or the mental health expert, and I’m, you know, working with patients and families. And I know all this stuff, and I’m a helper. Like, how do you reconcile that for those listening, who are helpers, who are working in this space. Because to me, sometimes it is it feels like too much.
Victoria Volk
00:24:53 – 00:25:02
And that’s where I know I need to then maybe address some self-care within myself, but can you speak to that a little bit?
Denise Schonwald
00:25:02 – 00:25:32
It it’s very true. And so when you’re finding that it’s all so overwhelming and it’s so heavy, we need to go in and go, okay. What do I need so that I’m in a better, I’m sort of in a better fitness state to handle and to share space with this person who’s grieving? But, you know, at the end of the day, we’re all human beings, and it does affect us. Just because we don’t know this person or who’s lost somebody doesn’t mean we don’t feel that energy.
Denise Schonwald
00:25:32 – 00:25:57
That energy that their experience is pulling. They’re pulling from us because they want support and they want help and they’re they’re struggling and they’re suffering, and yet that’s gonna take a toll on us. You asked me before about medication.
Victoria Volk
00:25:49 – 00:25:49
Yeah
Denise Schonwald
00:25:49 – 00:25:57
That’s something as a nurse, I understand that sometimes medication is needed, but we also have to go through this grieving process. We’re not gonna get around it.
Denise Schonwald
00:25:57 – 00:26:12
We can try to numb it a little bit, but it’s very very painful. Some people can’t survive it. They’ve been married 50 years and their spouse dies. They tend to go right after them because it’s so heavy on the heart in particular.
Victoria Volk
00:26:13 – 00:26:29
Yeah. Thank you for circling back to that question. And even for me personally, it’s not even that I think you know, it’s not even people reaching out to me asking me but it’s like this I feel like this maybe a sense of duty in a way.
Denise Schonwald
00:26:30 – 00:26:30
Mmm
Victoria Volk
00:26:30 – 00:26:34
And then I feel guilt when I don’t. And so that’s a little bit hard to reconcile for myself sometimes.
Denise Schonwald
00:26:35 – 00:27:10
Well and sometimes you need to make sure you’re in a good space to like, for instance, if somebody’s people that don’t know that I’m a therapist, if they catch me at the grocery store, I’ll say something like, listen. I’m really sorry this has happened to you. Why don’t you give me a call so we can meet privately or something like that? I just don’t know that I’m in a good mental space to have this conversation, you know, standing in the and the deli guy or whatever and so forth. And so I understand that it’s important to them, but I also have to make sure that I’m in a good place because I wanna give them my 100% focus.
Denise Schonwald
00:27:11 – 00:27:15
And I’m not in a good place when I’m out doing errands and so forth.
Victoria Volk
00:27:16 – 00:27:19
Yeah. And that’s great advice for the helpers listening to this.
Denise Schonwald
00:27:19 – 00:27:25
Mhmm. Yes. We’ve we all, sometimes have to go through that challenge.
Victoria Volk
00:27:26 – 00:27:59
We had talked before we started recording, talking about grief. And one of the things I would like to talk about is supporting kids because we had, you had mentioned that you, there’s been a lot of loss for your children or your son over the years and throughout his school years and into adulthood. And I think one of the things that hasn’t really been talked about a whole lot from a mental health standpoint is supporting, kids who have lost friends.
Denise Schonwald
00:27:59 – 00:27:59
Mmm
Victoria Volk
00:28:00 – 00:28:05
And so can you share your professional and parental because it was also your son, right, from that like, the two halves of that?
Denise Schonwald
00:28:06 – 00:28:31
Yes. My son, who is now 28, probably lost 10 friends between 18 and 25, many to drug overdose, suicide. And you know, how do you and as parents, we wanna we don’t want them to suffer because they’re our children, and we wanna make it easier for them. But, again, this is something we gotta go through. We can’t go around.
Denise Schonwald
00:28:31 – 00:29:09
So all I have been able to do, and and the most recent one was just a couple years ago for my son, his very good friend committed suicide, This is to really sort of sit down and say, how are you doing? How are you feeling? Just because it’s an uncomfortable conversation, but it’s one that he needs the space to grieve. It can be very painful for me to hear it because he’s my son, and I don’t want him to suffer. But it’s also important that he know that I’m willing to sit with him in that time and in that space and be as comfortable as I can when he’s uncomfortable.
Denise Schonwald
00:29:10 – 00:29:11
So but it’s tough.
Victoria Volk
00:29:12 – 00:29:19
One of the common things that people say in grief is when people are asked, you know, how are you feeling? How are you doing? Most people say I’m fine.
Denise Schonwald
00:29:19 – 00:29:19
Mhmm.
Victoria Volk
00:29:20 – 00:29:26
And in the grief work that I do, we say that fine means feelings inside not expressed.
Denise Schonwald
00:29:26 – 00:29:26
Mhmm.
Victoria Volk
00:29:27 – 00:29:45
So it’s really just a mask. Right? That we say. So what are some things that you suggest then if you ask your son or your child or young adult or whether they’re 5 or 15 or 25 and you ask them how they’re doing or how they’re feeling and they say I’m fine, when do you press that?
Victoria Volk
00:29:45 – 00:29:50
Or how do you press that? And do you just keep asking until they say otherwise?
Denise Schonwald
00:29:50 – 00:30:00
Well, the other thing that yeah. I’m I’m very intuitive. So I’ll I’ll say something like, you know, how are you doing since you’ve lost such and such? And if they go, yeah. I’m doing really well.
Denise Schonwald
00:30:00 – 00:30:16
They seem to be very dismissive of it. I’ll say, listen. You know, if at any time you wanna talk about it, I’m I’m happy to have the conversation. Because it’s a little bit tough when you don’t wanna have the conversation, and somebody goes, well, just tell me. Just tell me or just share with me.
Denise Schonwald
00:30:16 – 00:30:37
And, you know, that’s also a boundary. But I like to sort of create the opening of listen, if you ever have a tough time with it, I’m more than happy you know, give me a call. I’m more than happy to talk to you and sit with you during this. But we have to understand that some people everybody deals with grief differently in their own way, and we need to honor that.
Victoria Volk
00:30:37 – 00:30:57
So what if you as the parent is uncomfortable with the topic of grief, period? And how do you get yourself more comfortable in having that conversation? Like, if you’re not confident in how you would respond or how you would support them, you may not be inclined to even ask. So how do you get to that point as a parent?
Denise Schonwald
00:30:58 – 00:31:17
Right. Well, so what maybe what you’re asking or what you’re suggesting is that the parent feels very anxious and very fearful of doing that. And so when we do that, we only think about ourselves. So we pull in and go, oh, I don’t wanna have this conversation. I don’t wanna feel uncomfortable and so forth.
Denise Schonwald
00:31:18 – 00:31:54
And what you were saying with your tuning forks to get your vibrational energy a little bit higher is for me to say, I’m okay to be uncomfortable to just open this space for this person to express themselves. And what I tend to do when I’m uncomfortable is I try to listen more than speak so that I don’t say something that I wish I hadn’t said. So I open the opportunity for conversation unless they don’t seem to wanna have it, and then I assure them that, listen. I’m happy to talk to you if you want to. If not, no problem.
Denise Schonwald
00:31:54 – 00:31:57
Just want you to know that I’m just checking in and hope you’re doing well.
Victoria Volk
00:31:59 – 00:32:09
Yeah. And you touched on it, but I think a lot of people think they have to have the solution, right or the fix it.
Denise Schonwald
00:32:09 – 00:32:09
Mhmm.
Victoria Volk
00:32:10 – 00:32:15
And sometimes you just need to listen, and that’s maybe the best medicine is just to listen. You don’t even, you know, release that pressure from yourself to have to have to respond.
Victoria Volk
00:32:16 – 00:32:18
And just like like you said, just listen.
Denise Schonwald
00:32:18 – 00:32:22
Yes. I like to say, just checking in, see how you’re doing. So just it’s really light.
Victoria Volk
00:32:22 – 00:32:22
Mhmm.
Denise Schonwald
00:32:23 – 00:32:28
And if they say, you know, doing this well as can be expected, I’ll say, okay.
Denise Schonwald
00:32:28 – 00:32:31
Just want you to know I was thinking about you. Maybe that’s enough.
Victoria Volk
00:32:32 – 00:32:49
Right. What is one thing that you would like to scream to the world or wish that people knew about just grief in general, your personal grief that you’ve experienced? You had mentioned before we started recording, you have lost your parents, but what would you like to scream to the world?
Denise Schonwald
00:32:50 – 00:33:17
With any time someone comes into your life that I would say touches your soul, when they leave this earth, there’s going to be suffering and grief. That’s just a natural part of it. I try personally not to pull in and suffer by myself. These are times where I can connect with other people. These are times when other people will come in to support me, and I need to receive that.
Denise Schonwald
00:33:18 – 00:33:39
Certainly, with grief and any sort of suffering, there’s meaning. I think about my parents and some of the wonderful things that they taught me and left me as a legacy. You know, something’s not so great, but I can let those go. And to me, that’s very meaningful. My my sister and I talk about my mom all the time because she had some, like, silly habits.
Denise Schonwald
00:33:39 – 00:34:03
And then we’ll notice ourselves doing the same silly thing, and we connect, and we think of her in a positive light. I certainly, when I leave this earth, don’t want my children every time they think of me to burst into tears. No. I certainly know that they’ll grieve me, but I also hope that I’ve left a lot of goodness in them that they will think of me and smile, say some nice things. That’s my hope anyway.
Victoria Volk
00:34:04 – 00:34:14
I’m pretty sure my kids will probably say, you know, she was pretty weird. They say I’m weird now. So I take that as a compliment though.
Denise Schonwald
00:34:14 – 00:34:14
Yeah. Absolutely.
Victoria Volk
00:34:15 – 00:34:32
So throughout your career, I mean, as you know, a critical care nurse, like what were some of the things before you had these tools and before you went to school and back to school for mental health, what were some of the things that you personally leaned on and that you’ve brought into your practice and kind of incorporated?
Denise Schonwald
00:34:33 – 00:34:51
For me personally, self-care is key. I start every day with about 15 minutes of meditation just to sort of keep get myself grounded and sort of to find my center, if you will. I work hard, but I also take time. I exercise every day. For me, that’s something that I really need to do.
Denise Schonwald
00:34:52 – 00:35:11
Just just really helps me just disconnect for a little while. I’m very careful with my screen time. My first hour of the day, no screen time, and I shut it down a couple hours before I go to bed just so that I can my mind can take a little bit of a break. I’m a big proponent of acupuncture. Reiki, I love quite a bit.
Denise Schonwald
00:35:11 – 00:35:23
Massage, not saying you need to do these every week, but sporadically, depending upon how you’re feeling, incorporate some of these wonderful practices for just overall health and healing.
Victoria Volk
00:35:23 – 00:35:32
Did you start doing these things as you were a critical care nurse too in the within in the 30 years or just in recent years?
Denise Schonwald
00:35:32 – 00:35:52
I had a defining moment one night in the ICU. I was looking around at all of the patients that we had, and I realized some were just at the end of their lives. They were, you know, in their nineties and maybe had a heart attack and so forth. But most of the patients that we had sort of put themselves there. They neglected their body.
Denise Schonwald
00:35:52 – 00:36:19
They were stressed out. They were smoking, diabetes, and I made a commitment to myself that if I were ever in the ICU, it wouldn’t be because I did something to contribute to that. And then when I went over to mental health, I felt the same thing. I was like, boy, you know, we me included, and I really start to invested, invest more in my mental health. And I realized that when we don’t we’re not mentally healthy, we’re eventually going to become physically ill.
Denise Schonwald
00:36:20 – 00:36:30
And so I understand how important it is for me to manage. And this is my responsibility, my own stress and wellness, so that I can stay healthy and happy.
Victoria Volk
00:36:31 – 00:36:48
You bring up a good point in that. Well, it just brings up the feeling in me that you can have, let’s say you’ve been you have a there’s a couple they’ve been married 30, 40 years or, or even not. Let’s say it’s just been maybe 5 or 10, like or significant other. You don’t have to be married. Right?
Denise Schonwald
00:36:48 – 00:36:48
Mmm.
Victoria Volk
00:36:48 – 00:37:35
In partnership with someone. And you see these people just like one or the other, or maybe even both, just kind of going about life and just eating whatever they eat and drink whatever they eat, drink. And like you said, perpetuating these the disease that’s probably slowly manifesting until it becomes a flow full-blown heart attack or stroke or whatever the case may be that lands them in the hospital or in a medical crisis or terminal illness or whatever the case may be. And then one of them becomes a caregiver.
Denise Schonwald
00:37:35 – 00:37:35
Mmm.
Victoria Volk
00:37:35 – 00:37:41
So for those listening who may find themselves as a caregiver, who are looking at their significant other who has put themselves in that position and now feel maybe anger,
Denise Schonwald
00:37:42 – 00:37:42
Mmm.
Victoria Volk
00:37:42 – 00:37:42
resentment.
Denise Schonwald
00:37:43 – 00:37:43
Mhmm.
Victoria Volk
00:37:43 – 00:37:46
And to reconcile that as a caregiver, like it’s like you’re holding the both the reality and the grief.
Denise Schonwald
00:37:46 – 00:37:46
Mhmm.
Victoria Volk
00:37:47 – 00:38:02
The reality of what you’re looking at in the situation of what it is and how that person got there. And then also, but I love this person. I wanna care for them.
Victoria Volk
00:38:02 – 00:38:02
Like,
Denise Schonwald
00:38:02 – 00:38:02
Mhmm.
Victoria Volk
00:38:02 – 00:38:05
I think that’s a really difficult challenge for caregivers.
Denise Schonwald
00:38:06 – 00:38:47
I agree. And what I suggest for people that are going through that is to consider having a therapist just to sort of, you know, catharsis or venting with somebody that can help us in coping skills can be very very healing. It’s just hard when we have to go through it alone, particularly when they’ve got some sort of, like, dementia or something like that. It’s you know, this is why these support groups are so important that we can sort of help each other. There’s no way of eliminating it, or it’s just getting some help to just sort of cope through it, cope with it, and also get other people that can help and support as needed.
Denise Schonwald
00:38:48 – 00:38:58
But I know my husband is is 15 years older than I am, and as his health has started to decline, I have reached out to my own therapist more frequently just for support.
Victoria Volk
00:38:58 – 00:39:15
Let’s say you see where the train is going, and they’re just not wanting to take the power back within themselves. They’re not taking ownership of the situation. They’re not doing what you would hope they would be doing. And I’m sure there’s a lot of people in this situation listening. Right?
Victoria Volk
00:39:16 – 00:39:21
What do you do in that situation? Because you can’t make somebody start working out. You can’t make somebody seek mental health.
Denise Schonwald
00:39:21 – 00:39:21
Yeah.
Victoria Volk
00:39:22 – 00:39:27
You can’t make somebody else do these things.
Denise Schonwald
00:39:27 – 00:39:32
Correct. And what what I see down here in Florida, we have a lot of people that obviously that retire and come down to Florida.
Victoria Volk
00:39:32 – 00:39:32
Mhmm.
Denise Schonwald
00:39:33 – 00:40:03
But what I see typically is that neither husband or wife or partner has really prepared for sort of the end or the latter stages of life. For example, they have 2 or 3 homes, you know, and they’re 80 years old. I mean, that’s and they’ve never really downsized and so forth. Then one or the other gets sick, and the one person is not only caregiving but now has the 2 homes, you know, 1 in Michigan and 1 in Florida.
Denise Schonwald
00:40:03 – 00:40:38
And so what I say to them is, as you’re starting to age, downsize and get something manageable, manageable for 2 or 1 because that may happen. But there’s some things that we can do regardless of what our spouse chooses so that we’re in a better position, maybe financially and logistically and so forth so that we’re preparing for this. But I can’t tell you how many times I’ve met with people that with the 3 homes. This is, you know, it’s really unreasonable at 80.
Victoria Volk
00:40:39 – 00:40:44
Like you mentioned though, you made a statement something to the effect of planning for retirement or later years or the golden years ho you know,
Denise Schonwald
00:40:44 – 00:40:44
Mhmm.
Victoria Volk
00:40:45 – 00:41:00
that time period in your life, we you know, so many people spend so much time financially preparing for that, but you don’t think about what do I want my health to be
Denise Schonwald
00:41:00 – 00:41:00
Mhmm.
Victoria Volk
00:41:01 – 00:41:02
At that stage.
Denise Schonwald
00:41:02 – 00:41:02
Mhmm.
Victoria Volk
00:41:03 – 00:41:17
And what’s in my power and control to address that starting today so that when I get to that stage, I can enjoy it. Right. Because what’s the point of getting to that period of your life if you are sick and you can’t enjoy it?
Denise Schonwald
00:41:17 – 00:41:17
Yeah.
Victoria Volk
00:41:17 – 00:41:19
And I think yeah.
Denise Schonwald
00:41:19 – 00:41:57
And one of the things that I work with people in is when we become physically ill, depending upon what’s happening, that has started on the emotional energetic level. So certain emotions will play out physically. And what happens is, you know, we’re so afraid to deal with I don’t, guilt or shame or trauma or so forth, but eventually they manifest physically. I cannot tell you how many patients that we had in the ICU, and they would say, can you believe I’ve had a heart attack? And I would look at their chart, and I’d be like, you know, I sort of can.
Denise Schonwald
00:41:57 – 00:42:11
I mean, you have a lot of risk factors and you don’t take care of yourself. And yet, you know, we think that just because we don’t wanna recognize it or acknowledge it, it’s not gonna take have an impact on us, and it really does.
Victoria Volk
00:42:12 – 00:42:14
And everybody around them.
Denise Schonwald
00:42:15 – 00:42:29
Yes. Yes. And so I have to think, not only is it gonna affect me, but it’s gonna affect my spouse, it’s gonna affect my children. And you know, we have to take responsibility for that. But many people don’t, unfortunately.
Victoria Volk
00:42:30 – 00:42:44
No. What is one tip that you would give? I mean, you’ve shared a lot of tips, but what’s one tip that you would give to someone listening who is hurting, whether it’s watching someone else suffer who is grieving or whether they’re grieving themselves.
Denise Schonwald
00:42:44 – 00:43:02
Mhmm. Even when life is going fairly well. So we’re going through our developmental stages and so forth. At every stage, it’s a struggle, because we haven’t done it before. And once the kids go off to college or we retire or we get a new job or whatever.
Denise Schonwald
00:43:04 – 00:43:33
I highly recommend I started to see a therapist every now and then back in my twenties. Because even again, when there’s nothing really particularly wrong, certain stages are very difficult for me. When my husband retired, that was a major change because he was home all the time. I’m still working, and it for me, that was a struggle. And I really felt like I needed somebody just to other than my sister and my friends, and that’s not their job, to be my therapist, but just talk through it.
Denise Schonwald
00:43:34 – 00:43:53
And I highly recommend everybody have a therapist, not just because I am one, because they’re very very helpful. Find somebody that you connect with and find somebody that can work with you when you’re really going through a tough time so that it doesn’t play out physically and affect your life and others around you.
Victoria Volk
00:43:53 – 00:44:09
Well and when would you rather find a therapist? When you are in the emotional throes of something and it’s like, feels very immediate, like stat important or
Denise Schonwald
00:44:09 – 00:44:09
Mhmm.
Victoria Volk
00:44:09- 00:44:14
When you can kinda ease yourself into the experience. Because for a lot of people, they may not never have had an experience of working with a therapist too.
Denise Schonwald
00:44:15 – 00:44:27
Yes. And it may be take a couple till they find somebody that’s right for them. People will say to me all the time, can you recommend a good therapist? And I go, a good therapist is somebody that is right for you. So that’s very important.
Denise Schonwald
00:44:27 – 00:44:34
And you’re right. Let’s not wait till we’re right in the throes of crisis, and then we’re scrambling to try to find somebody.
Victoria Volk
00:44:35 – 00:44:49
What would you say to people who don’t really think therapy is for them because they just don’t wanna, like, just talk about I just don’t wanna talk about talk, talk, talk. Right?
Denise Schonwald
00:44:49 – 00:44:49
Mhmm.
Victoria Volk
00:44:50 – 00:44:58
Like, what is your perspective of that? Like, do you core incorporate other things or, like, action steps and things into your practice?
Denise Schonwald
00:44:58 – 00:45:22
One of the things that I recommend for everybody is always have a self-help book around. I mean, there’s thousands of them, and I always carry a book with me. And I’m I read and read and read. And, again, 1, 2 pages at a time because I sort of have a busy schedule and so forth. But there’s always some advice and some keys and some ways to cope that can be very very helpful.
Denise Schonwald
00:45:22 – 00:45:33
So start that way where you start to just learn about yourself and emotions and how they affect the body and whatever you’re interested in meditation and so forth, and then move from there.
Victoria Volk
00:45:34 – 00:46:14
That has actually been one of the catalysts for my growth is reading self-help books because at least to you know, it’s like one book can lead to the next book to lead to the next book or you end up down this rabbit hole where you learn maybe a new perspective. And, you know, it just it really it’s like, you didn’t get to where you are overnight. You’re not gonna get to where you want to go overnight. So you might as well just take these incremental steps. And if it’s reading 2 pages at a time, like you said, I mean, that’s it’s has a camp compound effect,
Denise Schonwald
00:46:15 – 00:46:15
Yeah
Victoria Volk
00:46:15 – 00:46:17
you know, just like grief and trauma, and it has this compound effect, but we can chip away at that.
Victoria Volk
00:46:18 – 00:46:22
I think by doing the things that you’ve talked about and mentioned,
Denise Schonwald
00:46:22 – 00:46:22
Mhmm
Victoria Volk
00:46:23 – 00:46:23
in this episode.
Denise Schonwald
00:46:23 – 00:46:43
Plus it helps us when we connect with other people. I can’t tell you how many times I’ll be out and about and somebody will say thank you for recommending that book. And I have no memory of and I go, what book was that? And they go, oh, this book, it was so helpful. I rec I gave it to my sister and this is how we the power of our ripple in a positive way.
Denise Schonwald
00:46:43 – 00:46:43
Mhmm.
Denise Schonwald
00:46:43 – 00:46:57
Other than complaining or you know, connecting with people just over problems, we’re actually connecting with people and recommending books and then talking about the books to each other and what we liked and what was helpful and so forth.
Victoria Volk
00:46:57 – 00:47:02
What is your grief and the grief that you’ve helped others work through taught you?
Denise Schonwald
00:47:04 – 00:47:26
I have a very good friend that lost her son at 16, so it sort of was a freak accident. And so now he’s passed away a little over 10 years. And I said to her one night, how do you deal with it now that it’s 10 years? You know, it’s not like it’s been 2 months and so forth. And she said, you know, she said, we’ll never get over it.
Denise Schonwald
00:47:26 – 00:47:50
She said, but we’ve learned to live peacefully next to it. And I thought that that was such an interesting way to describe. She said, you know, it’s just something that’s always gonna be there, and you have to learn to be at peace with it living next to you. It’s a wonderful question to ask people who are going who have are grieving 5 years down the road. Ask them, well, what is it like?
Denise Schonwald
00:47:50 – 00:48:08
Like, what is what are the challenges 5 years later or 15 years later and so forth? It’s something that not only is helpful for them and also helpful for us. I never forgot that that’s how she described it, and I thought that was so beautifully said.
Victoria Volk
00:48:08 – 00:48:21
One thing I talk about with my own experiences, so I lost my dad when I was 8 to cancer. So he was sick for almost 2 years before that. So I really didn’t have much of a childhood.
Denise Schonwald
00:48:21 – 00:48:21
Mhmm.
Victoria Volk
00:48:21 – 00:48:28
Had to grow up really fast. And my grandma had died the year before that my mom, my mom’s mom, and then my sister moved away.
Victoria Volk
00:48:28 – 00:48:49
So there was just a lot of change and trauma and things happen very back to back in the early part of my life. And one thing I say to people is that, especially with children who experienced grief or trauma in childhood is that they’re gonna grow up with it.
Denise Schonwald
00:48:49 – 00:48:49
Mhmm.
Victoria Volk
00:48:49 – 00:49:06
So and one thing I hate that people say is that children are resilient. Like, I can’t stand that when people say that because children don’t have a choice. And they just they may be just are able to adapt a little bit more easily than the adults because we don’t have a capacity at that young age to wrap our head completely around it.
Denise Schonwald
00:49:06 – 00:49:06
Mhmm.
Victoria Volk
00:49:06 – 00:49:28
And so we, we adapt and how, because we’re imaginative. Right? As children were more imaginative.
Denise Schonwald
00:49:06 – 00:49:06
Mhmm.
Victoria Volk
00:49:06 – 00:49:28
And so I created a lot of stories in order to adapt to my experience. And so people saw that as resilient and saw that I was fine and I was adapting well and but, you know, that stuff has stuck with you.
Victoria Volk
00:49:28 – 00:50:29
It you carry it with you and you grow up with it and it changes over time.
Denise Schonwald
00:49:29 – 00:49:29
Mhmm.
Victoria Volk
00:49:30 – 00:49:49
And that’s what I want people to understand about child grievers is that it will never leave them. It is, you know, and there’s so many people too. Like, I can recognize when I come across an adult who hasn’t had probably a lot of loss in their life. They haven’t had an experience that has completely flipped their life upside down or completely changed life for them,
Denise Schonwald
00:49:49 – 00:49:49
Mhmm.
Victoria Volk
00:49:50 – 00:50:06
it’s easier for me to see, you know, they and I think that’s what helps build emotional intelligence too is grief and trauma.
Victoria Volk
00:50:06 – 00:50:09
I mean, would you kinda say that in a way?
Denise Schonwald
00:50:09 – 00:50:23
Yeah. And I always think where I’m going through it, why me? And then I think, well, why not me? Yeah. Because we, you know, we think that that’s something somebody else should should experience. But I realized that it’s important for me to experience too because it’s very very painful.
Denise Schonwald
00:50:23 – 00:50:33
And it also helps me get have a new understanding of other people that are going through it. But you’re right. You have to learn to look next to it because it doesn’t go away.
Victoria Volk
00:50:34 – 00:50:37
Yeah. What gives you hope for the future?
Denise Schonwald
00:50:37 – 00:50:56
I absolutely love what I do, and I feel it’s very fulfilling. It’s also very challenging. And for me, certainly I my passion is I just finished my second children’s book. I write books. That’s sort of my ministry.
Denise Schonwald
00:50:57 – 00:51:07
I enjoy sharing what I know about mental health. I hope to help people live happier, more fulfilling lives. And so that is sort of why I’m here.
Victoria Volk
00:51:09 – 00:51:29
I love that. In the last paragraph of your book, I just want to read it because I absolutely loved it. It was one of my favorite parts of the book. Remember the mind does what you tell it to do. If you say, I choose to take care of myself because I’m worth it, your mind will be the best assistant you could hire.
Victoria Volk
00:51:29 – 00:51:39
It will help you flow through your day in with ease and less pain, suffering, and stress. Our perception is our reality. Make the choice to help others by first helping yourself.
Denise Schonwald
00:51:39 – 00:51:39
Mhmm.
Victoria Volk
00:51:40 – 00:51:56
I think that beautifully wraps up our episode. But I do wanna ask you about one more thing because I found it interesting in what you also incorporate into your practice is Henry your dog.
Denise Schonwald
00:51:56 – 00:52:02
Yes. Yes. In fact, I keep snapping my fingers because he’s growling a lot.
Victoria Volk
00:52:02 – 00:52:03
He wants your attention, I suppose.
Denise Schonwald
00:52:03 – 00:52:12
He does. He does. Yes. I started my practice initially with a therapy dog by the name of Max, and he worked with me. He we had to put him down when he was 15.
Denise Schonwald
00:52:13 – 00:52:27
And you know, it’s just such a wonderful part of the practice. And so Henry is now his successor and people just love to come in. And of course he loves his job and that has been, it just helps people feel more at peace.
Victoria Volk
00:52:28 – 00:52:35
Since you brought up Max, can you discuss a little bit briefly how you navigated that pet loss of
Denise Schonwald
00:52:35 – 00:52:50
That was, that was a tough one. He was the dog that we got when the children were little, and now the children are all, you know, out of the house and married and often. And then he worked with me for years years years. And so, you know, when he passed, it was like I had lost to Lynn.
Victoria Volk
00:52:50 – 00:52:50
Mhmm.
Denise Schonwald
00:52:51 – 00:52:53
Talk about being in the waiting room.
Denise Schonwald
00:52:53 – 00:53:12
I mean, I didn’t I had Henry at the time. He was a puppy, and I just didn’t know how to move forward. And I had difficulty sort of sitting through a session and so forth. And and again, you know, he was a very important part of my life and and had to sort of work through that.
Victoria Volk
00:53:14 – 00:53:23
How did you work through that? Because I know there’s a lot of people listening that probably have experienced pet loss. I know I’ve talked pet loss has come up a lot in recent months for me.
Denise Schonwald
00:53:23 – 00:53:56
And there are times where I still struggle. I have this little picture that I kiss before I go to sleep every night and so forth. And I just, you know, he was, he taught me a lot. In fact, my first book, Healing Your Body by Mastering Your Mind, the reason that I wrote that book was I dedicated it to him because I felt like he was such an important part of the practice and I wanted his leg you know, I wanted him to live on. And so I sat down and I wrote the book and dedicated to him, and that book has been very well received.
Denise Schonwald
00:53:56 – 00:53:58
So that was one of the ways that I honored him.
Victoria Volk
00:53:59 – 00:54:02
Well, and I’m sure it was very therapeutic for you to write it.
Denise Schonwald
00:54:02 – 00:54:15
Mhmm. Yeah. I wrote a little bit at the end about how we got him and how we named him and how he was very instrumental in our practice and so forth. And so we’re a little bit about him, and people love that part of the book.
Victoria Volk
00:54:16 – 00:54:19
So how did you know that you were ready for another dog?
Denise Schonwald
00:54:19 – 00:54:45
Well, it’s interesting. He was getting older and I wasn’t sure that he was really wanted to practice with me anymore. We had a little dog door, which I do in my office, and he was starting to come in less and less. And I thought, you know, maybe I’ll get another puppy and see if he can teach the puppy how to be a therapy dog. But by the time the Henry came in, he really was getting very sickly and he just really didn’t live too much longer.
Denise Schonwald
00:54:46 – 00:55:02
And that was really tough too, having a puppy and then also a dog sort of toward the end of his life. But I just he was such a valuable part of not only my practice, but to me. You know, he was he was just a real special little guy.
Victoria Volk
00:55:03 – 00:55:07
Well, and I’m sure to your patients as well, the people that you worked with, your clients.
Denise Schonwald
00:55:07 – 00:55:18
Hundreds of emails and texts and cards after he passed. And and that just also reminded me of how important it is for us to connect to each other and support each other when we’re going through grief.
Victoria Volk
00:55:19 – 00:55:38
In a recent episode too, I was saying to I mentioned weird pet loss come had come up and I said, you know, even if people listening can’t, they’re in a place where they can’t have a pet or they don’t feel comfortable getting a pet because it’s maybe more care than what they can handle at the time or whatever. Just get a plant, get something to nurture,
Denise Schonwald
00:55:39 – 00:55:39
Mhmm.
Victoria Volk
00:55:39 – 00:55:43
you know, give that, give yourself something to nurture. And even maybe that small thing can help you
Denise Schonwald
00:55:43 – 00:55:43
Mhmm.
Victoria Volk
00:55:43 – 00:55:44
create some purpose
Denise Schonwald
00:55:44 – 00:55:44
Yes.
Victoria Volk
00:55:45 – 00:55:52
in your day. You know, if you’re feeling a little low, if you’re
Denise Schonwald
00:55:52 – 00:55:52
Mhmm.
Victoria Volk
00:55:52 – 00:55:53
yeah.
Denise Schonwald
00:55:53 – 00:56:09
You’re very fulfilling. In fact, if when people sort of look me up after this episode, if they’d like to email me, I’d be happy to send them a copy of one of my books. That’s just a thank you for listening today. We’ve talked to us about some really great topics.
Victoria Volk
00:56:10 – 00:56:13
Yeah. And where can people find you to connect with you?
Denise Schonwald
00:56:14 – 00:56:33
My website is the best, deniseschonewall.com. In there, I have a little 10 question mental health quiz, which is also very fun to do, just to sort of see where you are. My books are listed. I have 3 currently. I’d be happy to send someone a copy of one of them if you email me.
Denise Schonwald
00:56:33 – 00:56:48
If you’d like an appointment, I’m licensed both in the state of Florida and nationally. So I see clients all over the United States. If somebody would just like to try a session and see how it works out, be more than happy. My calendar is online.
Victoria Volk
00:56:48 – 00:56:50
Wonderful. I will put the link in the show notes, and
Denise Schonwald
00:56:50 – 00:56:50
That’s great.
Victoria Volk
00:56:51 – 00:56:53
Thank you so much for everything that you shared today.
Denise Schonwald
00:56:53 – 00:56:55
You’re welcome. I enjoyed it.
Victoria Volk
00:56:55 – 00:57:01
Great. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Cancer Thriver, Childhood Grief, Grief Stories, Grieving Voices Guest, Mind/Body Wellness, Parent Loss, Pespective, Pet Loss |
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
In this heartfelt episode of Grieving Voices, I’m joined by the remarkable Kris Carr, a multiple New York Times bestselling author, wellness activist, and cancer thriver. Known as a force of nature and recognized as one of Oprah’s Super Soul 100 influential thought leaders, Kris shares insights from her latest book “I’m Not a Morning Person,” which delves into the raw emotions that surface when life falls apart unexpectedly.
Kris discusses navigating through loss and grief with humor and hope while providing readers with strategies to move forward. She opens up about her personal journey living with stage 4 cancer for over two decades and how it has shaped her approach to health advocacy.
The conversation touches on profound topics such as:
- The unexpected grief journey sparked by the death of her father.
- How old wounds resurfaced during this period.
- The importance of emotional literacy in healing.
- Tools she developed to manage anxiety related to ongoing cancer scans.
- Her transition from trying to cure herself to focusing on healing.
Listeners will learn how Kris transformed fear into proactive self-care measures that millions now embrace. She also emphasizes the power of naming our emotions as a step toward understanding them better.
Kris’s story isn’t just about survival; it’s an inspiring testament to thriving amid adversity by harnessing love, acceptance, and resilience. Join us for an episode that promises deep reflection and practical wisdom for anyone grappling with their own grieving process or supporting others through theirs.
RESOURCES:
CONNECT:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Navigating the Tumultuous Seas of Grief: Insights from Kris Carr
Grief is like an unpredictable storm; it can hit us with ferocity when we least expect it, leaving us to navigate through its tumultuous waves. In today’s blog post, we dive deep into the insights shared by Kris Carr – a beacon of hope and resilience in the face of life’s most challenging moments.
Kris Carr isn’t just another voice in the wellness community; she is a testament to living vibrantly even amid adversity. Her journey began with a stage 4 cancer diagnosis that would forever change her trajectory. But rather than allowing this diagnosis to dictate her life’s story, Kris turned it into an opportunity for profound self-discovery and healing.
Her latest literary offering, *I’m Not a Mourning Person: Braving Loss, Grief, and the Big Messy Emotions That Happen When Life Falls Apart*, isn’t just about coping mechanisms but also about embracing our vulnerabilities as sources of strength. It’s about finding humor amidst pain and discovering hope when all seems lost.
One crucial takeaway from Kris’ philosophy is understanding that **self-care is non-negotiable**. Whether facing illness or loss, prioritizing oneself isn’t selfish—it’s essential for survival and growth. This means acknowledging our emotions fully without judgment or suppression.
In particular, emotions like anxiety and fear often get a bad rap as being purely negative forces within us. However, as Kris illustrates through her own experiences dealing with these powerful feelings constructively can lead to personal empowerment instead of paralysis.
Moreover, anger—a frequently misunderstood emotion—can be constructive if we view it correctly. Anger signals something deeper at play beneath our surface reactions; injustice felt or pain endured demands attention so healing can occur.
Another poignant aspect discussed by Kris is how society has historically viewed grief—and especially women expressing grief—as unbecoming or taboo. Yet openly discussing such emotions paves the way toward wholeness and recovery—a message particularly resonant in times where mental health awareness is gaining much-needed recognition.
For those who find themselves in caregiver roles—often overlooked heroes—the reminder comes loud and clear: care must flow both ways for sustainability’s sake.
The act of writing itself serves dual purposes for someone like Kris —it becomes both cathartic release and personal reflection tool while simultaneously offering solace guidance others traversing similar paths.
Perhaps one most compelling points made during her interview was regarding language used around illnesses such cancer – traditionally framed battles waged against enemy within ourselves body seen battlefield casualties inevitable consequence warlike mindset approach disease aggression compassion holistic perspective needed here one treats their body ally need tender loving care opposed adversary conquered defeated at all costs
This shift viewpoint not only changes how individuals experience their illness but also affects societal perceptions surrounding diseases overall thus promoting more empathetic inclusive dialogue
Lastly let’s touch upon interesting tidbit revealed by herself – past involvement Budweiser Super Bowl commercials showcases versatility breadth career spanned beyond realms health activism authorship Indeed professional background advertising gives unique lens which view cultural phenomena such annual spectacle Super Bowl ads yet choice refrain watching year underscores commitment staying true authentic self regardless external expectations trends
As wrap up thoughts on enlightening conversation had between Grieving Voices host inspirational figurehead wellness movement encourage readers seek out additional resources provided kriscarr.com follow along Instagram @crazysexykris delve further into book available wherever books sold. Remember whether you’re bracing yourself against storms grief learning sail smoothly calmer waters wisdom gleaned voices experienced navigators invaluable compass guiding towards brighter horizons ahead.
Episode Transcription:
Victoria Volk
00:00:00 – 00:00:15
Hello. Hello. Thank you for tuning into Grieving Voices. Today, I’m excited to share my guests, Kris Carr, with you, my listeners. She is a multiple New York times bestselling author, wellness activist, and cancer thriver.
Victoria Volk
00:00:15 – 00:00:44
She’s been called a force of nature by o magazine and was named a new role model by the New York Times. Kris is also a member of Oprah’s Super Soul 100, a group of the most influential thought leaders today. Her latest book, I’m not a mourning person, braving loss, grief, and the big messy emotions that happen when life falls apart, shares what to expect when you’re not expecting your world to fall apart. It’s raw and inspiring, but has joy, humor, and hope too. This book gives readers tips and strategies to move forward and start living again.
Victoria Volk
00:00:44 – 00:01:04
Kris has helped millions of people take charge of their health and live like they mean it through her award winning books, blog, online courses, and membership communities. Thank you so much for being here and taking your time to share with my listeners. And I just gotta say, I loved the book. The movie we recommend.
Kris Carr
00:01:04 – 00:01:05
Sorry. You can’t really see it.
Victoria Volk
00:01:05 – 00:01:20
I loved it. I do have one question because I wanna make sure I ask this because I just I don’t remember reading the acknowledgments the first time., And so I just kind of peeked through now. What book on grief were you given by your friend, Jeanette?
Kris Carr
00:01:21 – 00:01:24
Oh, well, that’s Julia Samuel’s book.
Victoria Volk
00:01:25 – 00:01:26
Julia Samuel’s book. Okay.
Kris Carr
00:01:27 – 00:02:13
Yeah. And, one of her books, and that was my introduction to a world that I was resistant to enter. And then once I entered it, I realized, actually, this is the conversation that not only do I need for myself, but I wanna have with other people because it’s the most meaningful conversation that I could have. And I didn’t realize up until my most recent life kick just how grief was woven into, the nooks and crannies of my heart, my history, and how it was really something I was so afraid to touch, and yet it was holding me back.
Victoria Volk
00:02:13 – 00:03:00
In reading the book, I resonated with so many aspects of your story of re I, like, reconnected with parts of myself where, like, I was like, I could imagine myself back in time and feeling those similar emotions. And I have, like, a 1000000 and 1 questions, it feels like on my paper. But what you’re here to talk about though is the death of your father, which seems to have been the catalyst for you to explore grief in a way a deeper and more meaningful way than you ever had despite all of like, despite a stage 4 cancer diagnosis that you’ve been living with and all of that, like because there’s a lot of grief in that. And so to not really touch it until until recently. Yeah.
Victoria Volk
00:03:00 – 00:03:04
It’s a very timely book, I’m thinking, for you.
Kris Carr
00:03:05 – 00:03:16
Oh, definitely for me. And I you know, it wasn’t the book that I set out to write. It I’ve written 7 books. This is my 7th book. And you know, there comes a time when your publishers are like, Sue, we need to write another book.
Kris Carr
00:03:17 – 00:03:47
And it had been a minute, and there was this idea that I should write something that’s more mass market, more appealing. I’ve written books for cancer patients. I’ve written books about plant based living. Apparently, I like to tackle difficult topics, vegetables and disease. And so anyway, there was these conversations about me writing something for a wider audience, and I initially went to that.
Kris Carr
00:03:47 – 00:04:09
You know, what’s that self help, aspirational, inspirational book that I could write? Which at some point, I will probably write. But everything in my body and in my being and in my heart was like, I can’t write that book now. I don’t feel that way. I’m not inspired by that conversation.
Kris Carr
00:04:09 – 00:04:49
I am hurting. And so this was my father was diagnosed with cancer in 2016, and he lived for about four and a half years with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. And during that time, you know, obviously, it’s a big life change for the whole family. But I was approaching my milestone of living with my own stage 4 cancer for 20 years. My we were in the middle of a global pandemic, so each and every one of us was hurting in a whole new way and losing people left and right, losing our jobs, losing our former sense of selves, losing our sense of safety and security.
Kris Carr
00:04:49 – 00:05:37
And my business was struggling because I had taken the steps to pull back so that I could be more present with my family. And what I realized is I hadn’t life proofed my business to allow me to do that. And so I was going through a very difficult time. And my initial response, even though I’ve been doing been in the wellness world for 20 years, and so I’ve done a lot of my own personal work and I’ve coached a lot of people in 20 years. Even though I thought I had done this kind of deep healing work when it comes to our mental health and heart tending, it was a big blind spot for me because my go to is to hustle, is to solve, is to fix, is to get the job done.
Kris Carr
00:05:38 – 00:06:09
And I was in a time and place where there wasn’t a way to get the job done. Right? It was a much deeper, more spiritual, more impactful journey that I would have to go on. I couldn’t check a box or get something behind me, much like living with cancer. And so instead of trying to push the river or hold back the ocean because I was afraid it would devour me, I decided to go through it.
Kris Carr
00:06:09 – 00:06:37
You know? And I remember the moment I write about in the introduction when the dam broke when I was sitting in a parking lot at CVS and my mother had asked me to go get more insured because it was the only thing my dad could tolerate. And I am at the aisle not knowing how many to get because I don’t know how much time he has to live and I’m not consciously choosing those thoughts. But here they come. And it was that moment of pushing it down and working harder and all the things that I do to avoid pain where I couldn’t hold it back anymore.
Kris Carr
00:06:37 – 00:06:53
And I was running through the CVS to get back to my car so that nobody would see me cry. And I get in, I break down all of the emotions coming out. And afterwards, I feel this quiet in the storm. I start to feel a little bit better. I feel a break from the fever.
Kris Carr
00:06:54 – 00:07:13
And I think to myself, where are other areas of where are the other areas of my life that I am holding back the opportunity to feel better by just allowing myself to be with the emotion. And that truly was the turning point for me to say, oh, I have to look at this.
Victoria Volk
00:07:14 – 00:07:19
One of my mottos is allowing myself to feel is allowing myself to heal.
Kris Carr
00:07:19 – 00:07:20
Mhmm.
Victoria Volk
00:07:20 – 00:07:30
Pretty much embodies what you just shared. I think the importance of just allowing ourselves to feel what we have to feel, even if it’s to go into our car and have an ugly cry.
Kris Carr
00:07:31 – 00:07:44
You’re so right. And for many of us, we’ve never allowed ourselves to do that. Maybe we don’t even know what we’re feeling. We just know that there’s some sort of disturbance in the force. We’re feeling off.
Kris Carr
00:07:44 – 00:08:19
We’re feeling unsettled. And perhaps that’s old stuff. Like, when we were kids and we didn’t have the words to describe what pain we were experiencing, what discomfort we were experiencing, we may not also have those words as adults. And so it’s an incredible exploration process to even say, what if I just start by trying to identify and articulate what feeling is up for me right now? I don’t have to fix it.
Kris Carr
00:08:19 – 00:08:23
Maybe I could just give it a name and start it there.
Victoria Volk
00:08:23 – 00:08:34
On your Instagram, I saw you had a picture of yourself as a little girl, which prompted me to read the caption. Can you share a little bit about that for our listeners?
Kris Carr
00:08:36 – 00:08:38
About being a little girl?
Victoria Volk
00:08:38 – 00:08:38
Mhmm.
Victoria Volk
00:08:39 – 00:08:41
Having what you the exercise of taking your a picture of yourself
Kris Carr
00:08:42 – 00:08:42
Yeah
Victoria Volk
00:08:43 – 00:08:44
as a little as a child?
Kris Carr
00:08:44 – 00:09:17
You know, sometimes when we don’t know how to self-soothe, we weren’t given those tools. Many of us and our parents weren’t given those tools either. And certainly, we find ourselves in a time of mourning. Then if we don’t know what to give to ourself, I like to have that picture, and then it is the picture that I use up on my desk, or it’s, like, in my bathroom or it’s in my closet where I’m getting dressed. And to just check-in with her and ask her what she needs.
Kris Carr
00:09:17 – 00:09:40
And to allow her to say, what I really need is a little break. I actually need to play a little bit. I need to give myself more unstructured time, you know, because she’s still there. But all of the way that I put on masks or you know, I remember when my mantra was suck it up buttercup. Like, what a terrible mantra.
Kris Carr
00:09:41 – 00:09:51
Right? But it was one I followed. And if I’m willing to tend to her and say, I love you. I’m here for you. What do you need?
Kris Carr
00:09:51 – 00:10:04
I’ve got you. I can re-parent you. Then inevitably, I, adult Kris, start to experience the healing that comes from that.
Victoria Volk
00:10:04 – 00:10:31
Because in your book, you share how being a child of anxious parents. And because you mentioned it just briefly there a little bit, how that shaped you into adult life being a child of anxious parents. Because I have this theory that and reading your book, I’m like, okay. Well, that makes sense. Because I have the theory that a lot of children are carrying anxiety and fears that aren’t even theirs.
Kris Carr
00:10:34 – 00:10:34
Yeah.
Victoria Volk
00:10:34 – 00:10:37
That of their parents. And then I read that in your book and I’m like, okay. That’s kind of affirming.
Kris Carr
00:10:39 – 00:10:52
Yeah. I mean, we are these blank slates, and we pick up vibes. We pick up energy. We pick up behaviors. I think we come here, and we are then domesticated.
Kris Carr
00:10:53 – 00:11:28
And so much of what our job is in this lifetime is to unlearn and to come back to the original source, which is that self-love, love for self, love for others, love for life. And so naturally, if we’re raised by parents who are anxious, then anxiety is gonna maybe even go be one of our go to responses to things. So we’re kind of moving through life fearful. And anxiety really is a rumination about what may or may not happen. Right?
Kris Carr
00:11:28 – 00:11:42
It’s kind of taking fear and saying, I’m thinking ahead. I gotta cover my bases. I gotta have my own back. The world is unsafe. How can I get ahead of this situation so I can make sure I stay safe?
Kris Carr
00:11:43 – 00:12:14
And fear and anxiety serve a purpose. Right? I would say in the book and often try to remind myself that we can’t amputate any of our emotions and expect to be whole. So oftentimes, I think in our very black-and-white society, certain emotions we deem positive and emotions that we should strive to have and show, and other emotions we deem negative as if therefore, there’s something deficient about us for having them. And it’s sort of like saying, here are all the crayons in the crayon box.
Kris Carr
00:12:15 – 00:12:45
But, Victoria, you can only use blue, green, and red because all the other colors are bad. And if you use those colors, you’re bad. And you may be like, but secretly, I love yellow. You know? And so I think when we get a little curious about these emotions and what they’re here to teach us and show us, which we can talk about, then we can follow the breadcrumbs and understand how they work and why our brain uses them.
Kris Carr
00:12:45 – 00:13:00
Why did why are we designed to experience anxiety from time to time? How is it a benefit to us? How does it truly keep us safe? And how does it go awry? Right?
Kris Carr
00:13:00 – 00:13:18
What do I need to do when I’m finding myself spinning out, let’s say, before a CAT scan? I get checked every 5 years. There’s always gonna be some anxiety before I go in for my scan. This is the moment, 21 years later, when my doctor says, oh, it turned on. It’s finally aggressive.
Kris Carr
00:13:18 – 00:13:43
This is what we’ve been waiting for. And I’m I’m gonna have some anxiety, but I can develop some tools to soothe that anxiety. I can develop some tools to make sure that that anxiety doesn’t become a rumination that’s out of control that can even become almost like an addiction, like a hot spot that I’ll just go to. It’s almost like we’re going to the mental gym when we’re dealing with some of this stuff.
Victoria Volk
00:13:44 – 00:14:19
Those that may not be familiar with you and never heard of you, can you just briefly share? Because I know we’ve mentioned it, but we haven’t really said about your diagnosis. And then I’d like to move into how that anxiety and that fear played a role through your diagnosis and how that transitioned to when you became then a caregiver for your father. And then the moment that you realized, you know, the P there’s like 3, I have a note here. There’s 3 spiritual or 3 pivotal moments that led you to writing the book.
Victoria Volk
00:14:19 – 00:14:23
And so can we rewind and then fast forward a little bit?
Kris Carr
00:14:24 – 00:14:47
Yes. So, I was in a very different career and had very different hopes and thoughts and dreams for my life. And then on Valentine’s Day in 2003, I was diagnosed with a rare and incurable stage 4 cancer. And so the first doctor that I met with suggested a triple organ transplant. The next doctor gave me 10 years to live.
Kris Carr
00:14:47 – 00:15:30
The doctor after that suggested radical treatments that wouldn’t do anything. And it was that moment where I realized I had to become my own advocate, and I had to become, as I like to call, the CEO of my health. So as a CEO, the leader of our lives, it’s like, okay. I’m responsible for putting together the team, for hiring, for firing, for finding my second in command because the doctors work for me. And I was lucky, or actually just hardworking to find a great oncologist who knew the most about my very rare disease, who had his finger on the pulse of research, and who also had a wonderful bedside manner.
Kris Carr
00:15:30 – 00:15:46
So I was very surprised when he said, sometimes your disease can be slow growing. It can become aggressive. We just don’t know. We have to watch and wait. And while we’re doing that, we want you to watch and live.
Kris Carr
00:15:46 – 00:16:34
And I didn’t really know how to do that. So the first place I went afterwards was the grocery store because I figured vegetables were good, even though I hated them. And what I was truly looking for was some sort of control, some place to put my energy so that I could feel like I was participating in my well-being as opposed to participating in my disease. And that’s what started the work that I do first and foremost for cancer patients when I began and then later for people who are interested in not becoming patients, because I truly believe that self-care is health care and that we have more power than we think. And, again, it was this career is not something that I went into saying this is what I wanna do.
Kris Carr
00:16:34 – 00:17:05
But I think for many of us, our lives change in sometimes miraculous ways because of these warning signs or wake up calls that we have. And this is what I chose to do with my wake up call because, again, I live with stage 4 cancer. This is a marathon for me. And I’m very, very inspired to live every moment like it is my first, and I can’t wait to have another. And so where are we going after this?
Kris Carr
00:17:06 – 00:17:10
Where would you like me to take you after this? You had a 3 part question.
Victoria Volk
00:17:10 – 00:17:12
I did. I know. I’m I tend to do that.
Kris Carr
00:17:12 – 00:17:14
It’s okay.
Victoria Volk
00:17:15 – 00:17:26
Try to squeeze it all in. Just the anxiety of that.
Kris Carr
00:17:19 – 00:17:19
Yeah.
Victoria Volk
00:17:19 – 00:17:26
Diagnosis and the experience of going through that and then being hit with another rupture, as you call it in your book, of your father?
Kris Carr
00:17:27 – 00:17:53
So for me, like I said earlier, I am the person that’s going to pretty much try to put a plan in place. And I think it’s very helpful to do that. It’s one of the reasons why my work has helped a lot of people is because I help people and people who don’t wanna be patients just put that wellness plan together. But a lot of that came from my fear, and a lot of that came from my anxiety. So isn’t that wonderful, though?
Kris Carr
00:17:53 – 00:18:39
So fear and anxiety helped me out in a big way. The problem is when they take over and they shut you down, they paralyze you. They make it so that the only thing that you feel like you can do to cope is to numb because they’re just too big. And so that’s when all of our self-care principles and practices, the toolkits that many of us go through life trying to build, we wanna open the box and lean on a few of them, whether it’s through breath work, whether it’s with a therapist or a counselor, like, hey, these emotions are too big for me to hold on my own. Oftentimes there may be other things tied into them, past traumas, past grieves.
Kris Carr
00:18:40 – 00:18:59
One of the things that my therapist talked about and I wrote about in the book is she says, when the grief train pulls into the station, it brings all the carbs.
Victoria Volk
00:18:49 – 00:18:49
Mmm
Kris Carr
00:18:49 – 00:18:59
The stuff you thought you were over is behind you, and you’re just totally sideswiped. Brings up trauma. It brings up anxiety. It brings up shame.
Kris Carr
00:18:59 – 00:19:10
It brings up rage. For me, I went through a period where, you know, my number one emotion I was experiencing was not grief. It was rage. I’m like, where is all this hot energy coming from? Well, it’s old stuff.
Kris Carr
00:19:12 – 00:19:37
And so learning to live with stage 4 cancer for me is more of a mental game than physical game. It’s about learning how to work with my fear and anxiety as opposed to be overwhelmed by it because that those moments are going to come. I was talking to a patient the other day, and you know, I’ll go to, okay. I’m having this anxious moment. Let me get in my body.
Kris Carr
00:19:37 – 00:19:51
Because sometimes when I’m in a anxious spiraling out place, I’m having kind of an out of body experience. Right? So I could jump on my bike or jump in the water. You know what I mean? Like, right now, I’m in Florida.
Kris Carr
00:19:51 – 00:20:03
The ocean’s nearby. Like, why don’t you just go for a quick swim? And it’s gonna change the channel. It’s almost like we’re dogs with in brain rot, licking, licking, licking a hot spot. You know?
Kris Carr
00:20:03 – 00:20:13
What if the scan’s worse? And what if this and what if that? Well, in this moment, none of that is true. I like to say it’s not something until it’s something. So why don’t you get back to living?
Kris Carr
00:20:13 – 00:20:28
Or it’s been 21 years since I’ve been dealing with this. I know I’m gonna feel anxious. I’m gonna allow myself that day or the day before to go there. But before then, why am I wasting time? Now is it as easy as that?
Kris Carr
00:20:28 – 00:20:33
No. But for me, I’ve been able to work with my brain.
Victoria Volk
00:20:35 – 00:20:36
You’ve had a lot of time to practice.
Kris Carr
00:20:37 – 00:20:43
I’ve had a lot of time to practice. I’m like, come on. Let’s go for a bike ride. In this moment, how are you feeling? Pretty good.
Kris Carr
00:20:43 – 00:20:44
Let’s focus there.
Victoria Volk
00:20:45 – 00:21:07
So when there was kind of training ground for you, when this happened with your father, I imagine that you had to lean on a lot of those tools that have supported you in getting through your own diagnosis and the spiraling thoughts and all of that. And what did you learn about yourself through the process. And how did that change you?
Kris Carr
00:21:07 – 00:21:08
Thought
Victoria Volk
00:21:08 – 00:21:09
Your perspective, maybe of a lot of things.
Kris Carr
00:21:09 – 00:21:38
Very beautiful question. I mean, I think I’m still learning it. And, I think that it was all well and good for me to work with my own palate, which is me. But then when it come came to working with, you know, the potential of losing someone that I love very dearly, he’s my chosen father, so he adopted me. And that was really hard for me because what was coming up, what I didn’t realize was a lot of the old abandonment wounds.
Kris Carr
00:21:38 – 00:22:06
The core, you know, father wound was highly activated, the idea of losing him. Because whether I was conscious of it or not, what I was feeling was that he was leaving me. And that’s what happened the first time with my biological father. And that’s when you go, oh, I have an opportunity here to work with some really old stuff because he’s not leaving me. He’s dying.
Kris Carr
00:22:07 – 00:22:28
And I want to spend as much good time with him as I can. So because of that, it was inspiring to do the work and to go back into therapy. And and to initially, I was like, oh, no. Cancer’s not on my watch. You know, there’s one thing I know.
Kris Carr
00:22:28 – 00:22:55
It’s navigating cancer, and it’s not taking you. I got pissed and angry and called everybody I knew, and I got some wonderful people in my address book. The problem was is that he didn’t wanna do any of it. So the treatments that he was undergoing were really hard. So we could do enough to, you know, keep him as well as possible, but he wasn’t gonna do a full on lifestyle, save my ass technologies Kris Carr plan.
Kris Carr
00:22:55 – 00:23:38
And so I had to make peace with that and say, the best medicine that I can deploy right now is love and making sure that when I enter the room, love is leading the way and that the time that I have with him is filled with it. And so there’s a lot of gin rummy. There’s a lot of really wonderful times that we had. And I learned how to let go of more control, which was very anxiety provoking for me. And just to continue to show up with love even though my heart was breaking and breaking wide open too.
Victoria Volk
00:23:39 – 00:23:48
In this book, you really do speak the language of the work that I do in grief recovery, the grief recovery method. And you talk about how grief manifests in our lives and in our bodies and talk about keeping busy.
Victoria Volk
00:23:48 – 00:24:37
You essentially addressed the sense of grief and you essentially addressed them all like including stirbs or short-term energy relieving behaviors and these things that we do to occupy ourselves and distract ourselves from our feelings. And, and you’ve had so many years of sitting with and working through your grief before writing this book. Who were the people or the resources that have supported you and provided the information that gave you that new perspective. And I know you mentioned that book, on grief, but kind of even before that earlier in your, like, when you were diagnosed and as you were going through that journey, what were the things that helped you shift your perspective from, you know, woe is me to the self-driven mission?
Victoria Volk
00:24:37 – 00:24:43
Or was it just did perfectionism take over? Because I know you talk a lot about perfectionism in your book too a little bit.
Kris Carr
00:24:43 – 00:25:01
I don’t know. Maybe sometimes. Oh, maybe sometimes. But I think so I practice what I call the 5 pillars of wellness. So they are basically being mindful of optimizing what you’re eating, drinking, thinking, and how you’re resting and renewing.
Kris Carr
00:25:02 – 00:25:32
And all of that sits on a foundation of stress management because we know that stress is really the number one killer. And stress comes in all sorts of ways, including heartache. And so that’s the basis of the lifestyle practice that I teach in my books and in my community. And that all came from all of my research as a first and foremost, as a cancer patient, what can I do to extend my life? Is there any way I can participate and help my longevity, help my odds?
Kris Carr
00:25:33 – 00:25:59
And it’s really the basis of lifestyle medicine, which has been around for a very long time. You know? And so all of that work for 20 years now has certainly taught me a lot about myself and my body. The big turning point for me, I think, emotionally was on my 10 year cancer versary when, you know, one of the doctors had originally given me 10 years to live. And here I am making it to the 10 year mark.
Kris Carr
00:26:01 – 00:26:21
And everybody was so thrilled except for me because I didn’t think that unless it was behind me, I could really live my life. So I was very frustrated, very angry. And so I was trying to cure myself since the doctors couldn’t cure me. You know? And it wasn’t happening.
Kris Carr
00:26:22 – 00:26:54
But I also wasn’t my disease wasn’t progressing either. And so it was just something that I was having to learn to live with. And there are many things for everybody that we might not want, but we have to learn to live with. And for me, it’s cancer. And so I remember thinking in that moment when everybody’s celebrating but me that I have to come up with a better way because I could live my whole life with this disease and I could waste it all.
Kris Carr
00:26:55 – 00:27:10
Because I wasn’t truly living unless it was behind me on paper. I got that stamp of approval. You’re in remission. And what if I lived? A whole lot of years healthy and happy, you know, if I allowed myself to be.
Kris Carr
00:27:11 – 00:27:25
But I didn’t get that stamp of approval. And that’s when I started to think about the difference between healing and curing. And that curing may or may not happen. You know, it happens in the physical body. It happens for some of us.
Kris Carr
00:27:25 – 00:27:49
Doesn’t happen for all of us. There are a lot of people out there who are living really big, abundant, wonderful lives with chronic illnesses, chronic shit pickles, just chronic stuff. And that’s okay. But healing can happen for each and every one of us. There is no timeline, and it can happen even beyond our physical form.
Kris Carr
00:27:49 – 00:28:09
And so I started to move more in the direction of aspiring to be on a healing path and to be loving and patient and caring with myself. And that, to me, when you say, okay. Where’d you learn this? What are the most inspirational resources or what not? It was actually that mental shift that changed everything.
Kris Carr
00:28:10 – 00:28:30
There are incredible grief resources out there. Right? You’re one of those incredible resources. And it was a world I wasn’t very familiar with. And then when we get interested, when we get curious, when we start to, you know, do the research, buy the books, follow the breadcrumbs, we start to find the voices that resonate for us.
Kris Carr
00:28:31 – 00:28:54
But the principles are still universal. You know, and that is that or at least I believe they’re universal, that our emotions are energy, we can’t amputate them, we need to allow them to flow. When energy is stagnant, it’s not good for your physical body. It’s not good for your mental health. And emotions are also filled with information.
Kris Carr
00:28:54 – 00:29:10
So if we can become a little bit more emotionally literate and curious, then we can start to learn how to tend to these crayons, these parts of ourselves that make up the whole beautiful picture that is us.
Victoria Volk
00:29:12 – 00:29:30
I’d love to talk about anger a little bit. You talked about a lot about emotions, but and you mentioned anger, and you mentioned anger quite a bit in your book too. And I didn’t address my grief until 2019. And that was at that point over 30 years. So I had a lot of time to build up a lot of anger and resentment.
Victoria Volk
00:29:31 – 00:30:12
And so to allow those floodgates to open, it was like, you know, if we imagine ourselves like a tea kettle and this pressure just keeps building and building and building, and if we don’t release that pressure, it like, we literally are dying from the inside very, you know, slowly and just deteriorates our bodies. And like you said, it’s stress. It’s physical stress, emotional stress, mental stress. Imagine that as is your body like a tea kettle. So allowing that rupture in that way, a good rupture, that’s a good rupture, you know, but you have, there’s a part I wrote here and we act out instead of crying out because anger feels powerful while grief feels powerless.
Victoria Volk
00:30:14 – 00:30:25
And you talk about caring for your anger and your grandmother had a motto, don’t cure the darkness, light a candle.
Kris Carr
00:30:25 – 00:30:25
Mmm
Victoria Volk
00:30:26 – 00:30:34
And I absolutely love that. But in talking about anger and the wisdom that anger has for us, what has anger taught you?
Kris Carr
00:30:36 – 00:31:13
My anger is very powerful, and my anger helps me to be a fighter when I need to fight. And it has protected me. It has inspired me. There have been so many moments, even as a female entrepreneur, when somebody has told me, you know, pipe down, ambition is not appropriate for women, Be satisfied with what you’re getting, even though I know other people are being paid more for the same work, where I relied on the wisdom of anger to say no. Right?
Kris Carr
00:31:13 – 00:31:41
And so I don’t want to vilify it. And yet, I definitely need to learn more about it because it’ll be a go to emotion for me if I’m not careful, thoughtful, inquisitive. My grandmother also used to say that emotions like anger and grief specifically were unbecoming for women. And she came from a very different time. Right?
Kris Carr
00:31:41 – 00:32:14
And so the chapter on anger is called Becoming, Unbecoming. And when I started to explore it more, and I have in my own therapy for many years, but actually starting to explore the mechanics of anger, almost like, you know, you’re approaching a research project, is that many people say that it’s a signaling emotion. Right? And it’s signaling to something else. It’s like the tip of the iceberg is what you see, but underneath of the iceberg is so much bigger.
Kris Carr
00:32:15 – 00:32:30
And so what is it signaling? What is it trying to point out to us? Sometimes it can be injustice. Sometimes it can be extreme pain. Like anger is saying, oh, this is not okay.
Kris Carr
00:32:31 – 00:33:10
And anger is also very protective. And so for me, if grief was something that felt so scary and so destabilizing. You know, there’s a reason why we go into fights, light, or freeze because it’s like a physical manifestation of us protecting ourselves. If an emotion like grief feels so unstabilizing to many of us because, again, we don’t necessarily have the tools for this, especially because we live in a grief-phobic society. Right.
Kris Carr
00:33:10 – 00:33:29
So few of us know how to talk about these things or want to talk about these things because we’re afraid of how people will react. Then an emotion like anger is going can easily step in and help you out. You know, like, oh, I’m starting to feel these emotions. I’m starting to feel out of control. I start to feel so uncomfortable.
Kris Carr
00:33:30 – 00:33:42
And then all of the stuff that can bubble up as a result of that, people will judge me. People won’t like me. People won’t wanna hang out with me because I’m a big downer. Boom. I got you, buttercup.
Victoria Volk
00:33:44 – 00:34:05
There was one part too where you where you talk about making yourself small. I can’t remember exactly how, how it went, but just to the, what you were just saying, how we make ourselves small, especially when we’re trying to express anger and then we’re told you’re too much or you’re too loud or, you know, be seen and not heard and all of these messages that we receive more commonly as little girls. Right?
Kris Carr
00:34:06 – 00:34:06
Yeah.
Victoria Volk
00:34:07 – 00:34:25
Do you see yourself as I mean, would you describe yourself as a child and like a free spirit, kind of wild, kind of like a poking the bear questioner, initiator of things, maybe initiator of other people? Do you just would you describe yourself like that?
Kris Carr
00:34:26 – 00:34:58
I think as a child, there was definitely a free spirit and a very creative little soul, and very imaginative, very caring. Somebody who’s I hopefully still have those traits. Very connected to animals in nature. And I don’t think I was a bear poker because I think I was very shy and very kind of like, I gotta figure out feel my way because the world isn’t safe. It wasn’t until much later in life that I became a bear poker.
Victoria Volk
00:34:59 – 00:35:17
Yes. Okay. That’s what I was gonna get to because when you start coming into your own. Right? Because you had a lot of grief in your childhood. So I just I saw myself in your story, and that’s why I asked that because, yeah, I just I felt like we’re kindred spirits in a way.
Kris Carr
00:35:17 – 00:35:41
Yeah. Oh, well, that’s wonderful. I mean, I think the more we don’t know if you feel this way, but the more work that I’ve done to heal my heart and befriend myself and really, like who I am. And I think one of the greatest things that you can ever experience in this life is the joy of your own company.
Victoria Volk
00:35:39 – 00:35:39
Mhmm.
Kris Carr
00:35:39 – 00:35:41
And I really wanna park on that for a minute because people don’t talk about it enough.
Kris Carr
00:35:42 – 00:35:53
I mean, getting to a point where you enjoy your own company is so big. We come here alone. We leave her alone. And we live in an epidemic of loneliness. We do need each other.
Kris Carr
00:35:53 – 00:36:00
We need community. We need support. We need our people and our true blues. But, damn, we need ourselves.
Victoria Volk
00:36:00 – 00:36:04
I think it goes back to what you said about self-soothing,
Kris Carr
00:36:03 – 00:36:03
Yeah
Victoria Volk
00:36:03 – 00:36:04
our ability to do that.
Kris Carr
00:36:05 – 00:36:30
I don’t think any of that matters unless we can do that, because all of it was temporary. You’re always gonna reach outside of yourself.
Victoria Volk
00:36:11 – 00:36:11
Mhmm.
Kris Carr
00:36:11 – 00:36:30
And then when a relationship ends, it’s gonna be so destabilizing. Because you never had that relationship connection with yourself first and foremost. And so to go back to your question, when did it when did I start to come into my own?
Kris Carr
00:36:30 – 00:36:49
It was more so when I said, I don’t really care what other people think about me. I don’t wanna be a jerk. And but I’m less interested in what other people think about me and more interested in that relationship and what I think about me and my ability to enjoy my own company.
Victoria Volk
00:36:49 – 00:36:56
I actually I’m glad you said that because I actually had, are you someone who enjoys alone time?
Kris Carr
00:36:56 – 00:36:57
Why?
Victoria Volk
00:36:57 – 00:37:18
Maybe you even need it, because that was actually one thing I wrote on there because I love my alone time. I need it. I love my own company. But this is a great segue into having more 4 legged friends than 2 legged friends.
Kris Carr
00:37:19 -00:37:19
Mmm..
Victoria Volk
00:37:19 – 00:37:22
And the fact that you, don’t have children, but you had you know, buddy or dog, you talk about losing buddy your dog.
Victoria Volk
00:37:22 – 00:37:33
And I just kinda wanna talk about if you are open to sharing about the importance of the importance that animals played a role in your healing and as you were grieving.
Kris Carr
00:37:34 – 00:37:54
Yeah, they always will. They’re so a big a big part of my life. And I’ve had a lot of fur children. And you’ve you know this because you are in this world. And so I remember the first time that I got the concept that the other side of grief is love.
Victoria Volk
00:37:54 – 00:37:54
Mmm
Kris Carr
00:37:55 – 00:38:23
And the more that we love, the more we’re gonna grieve. But who wants to go through life saying, oh, no love for me because I don’t wanna feel that pain? So taking on all these incredible companion animals, you know that at some point, you’re gonna have to say goodbye to them. And several of my fur children were very instrumental at certain points in my healing. My first my cat.
Kris Carr
00:38:23 – 00:38:33
My dedicated my second book to my cat. My cat was the first person I told I had cancer, Kristal, I’ve got cancer. What are we gonna do? Right?
Kris Carr
00:38:33 – 00:39:00
And so she was a big part of that early journey. And then Buddy was a big part of making peace with not having children. And then here comes this big old hound dog who is, you know, near death, emaciated, we found on the side of a mountain while we were hiking and nursing him back to health. And thinking, wow, there’s love all around if I just choose to open to it. It might not be in the form that I think.
Kris Carr
00:39:01 – 00:39:21
And it’s in this case, it’s a big old hound dog. But boy, do I love him. And life is still good. And, then most recently, my dog, Lola, who is probably my number one soulmate. And so she was there throughout my dad’s journey and she passed after.
Kris Carr
00:39:21 – 00:39:45
And I think she stuck around because she knew that it would be so big for me. And I couldn’t lose them both at the same time. So we have all these opportunities. And the reason why I write about pet loss in the book is because I was actually shocked by a lot of the grief books and grief literature that didn’t either include it or dealt it dealt with pet loss in a way that felt very diminishing?
Victoria Volk
00:39:46 – 00:39:58
I actually just developed a pet loss program.
Kris Carr
00:39:50 – 00:39:50
Oh.
Victoria Volk
00:39:51 – 00:39:58
But it hasn’t launched yet. And, because I’ve had clients that I’ve worked with where they were seeing, it was a single woman. She didn’t have children.
Victoria Volk
00:39:58 – 00:40:17
She didn’t have a spouse. Her family were in another country. Like she came here with knowing nobody and that her dog was her everything. And so people don’t understand or even think about grief when it comes to pets. But it’s like, we can just go out and get another pet and the things people say.
Victoria Volk
00:40:17 – 00:40:29
Right? And it just yeah. It’s so this is why I started this podcast so people can learn. Right? So people can learn through people’s stories of the import of all the different ways we grieve.
Victoria Volk
00:40:29 – 00:40:39
But even if you’re listening to this and you, for whatever reason, can’t have a pet, get a plant.
Kris Carr
00:40:40 – 00:40:40
Mhmm.
Victoria Volk
00:40:41 – 00:40:44
I see a plant in your background. I have one right on my shelf here. I started actually, that was one of the things I think naturally came up for me.
Victoria Volk
00:40:44 – 00:40:52
And as I was starting my healing was I just started accumulating plants left and right. Like, you know, it’s nurturing something.
Kris Carr
00:40:52 – 00:40:53
Uh-huh.
Victoria Volk
00:40:53 – 00:40:55
You know, I think get a plant.
Kris Carr
00:40:55 – 00:40:55
Yeah.
Victoria Volk
00:40:56 – 00:41:00
Think of yourself as a plant. Like, what does a plant need? It needs water.
Victoria Volk
00:41:00 – 00:41:13
It needs sunlight. It needs I think it goes back to what is that, doctor Emoto with the water and the rice, the rice experiment where you talk to it. And, I mean, you could talk to your plants. You talk to your pets. Right?
Kris Carr
00:41:13 – 00:41:14
Oh, yeah.
Victoria Volk
00:41:14 – 00:41:41
But none of those things, like, judge, analyze, or criticize you. So you can say whatever you want. And I think that’s the different dynamic of that relationship is that and why the bond is so deep for so many people with their pets is that they feel like you said in your book, it’s like it’s like Christmas morning. Every morning, every day that you your dog sees you, it’s like you could be gone 3 minutes. Like, I can leave and be gone for 3 minutes.
Victoria Volk
00:41:41 – 00:41:51
And my dog, it’s like Christmas morning. I was perfectly how you said that. So, yeah, it’s I think it’s one of the most minimized losses, and so it is something that I’m looking to address. And
Kris Carr
00:41:51 – 00:41:53
I’m so happy to hear that.
Speaker 1
00:41:53 – 00:42:00
So I’m glad we talked about that. Let me look on time. Okay. So I’m just gonna can I just do, like, a quick run through of questions?
Kris Carr
00:42:00 – 00:42:02
Oh, yeah. Of course.
Victoria Volk
00:42:03 – 00:42:11
Okay. Maybe these aren’t gonna be quick answers. I don’t know. Let’s see. I loved how you said life is a terminal condition. We’re all going to die.
Victoria Volk
00:42:12 – 00:42:24
But how many of us truly live? And acceptance helps get you there. And I think you’ve really touched on that quite a bit, not as much of the acceptance piece, but I guess I’ll ask you this. What does acceptance mean to you?
Kris Carr
00:42:25 – 00:42:48
Acceptance for me means that I accept who I am and what my needs are, and then I have my back. I’m not trying to be somebody I’m not. I’m not putting myself into a box that was not made for me. And, that’s a piece of it, but also accepting when I’m going through a difficult time that this is what’s happening. I’m not sugarcoating it.
Kris Carr
00:42:48 – 00:43:08
I’m not trying to slap on an affirmation, even though I think affirmations are very helpful. I’m accepting that this is where I am so that I can do the healing work. That perhaps some of that healing work will help me get to another place. But if not, I’m giving myself which exactly what I need, which is some heart tending.
Victoria Volk
00:43:09 – 00:43:14
And even if just for that moment, you feel better, I mean,
Kris Carr
00:43:12 – 00:43:12
Yeah
Victoria Volk
00:43:12 – 00:43:14
that’s a win.
Kris Carr
00:43:14 – 00:43:15
It’s huge win.
Victoria Volk
00:43:16 – 00:43:49
As your dad was going through his cancer treatment, I’m just curious on this because I just I spoke with another end of I’m trained in the end of life doula. And I spoke to another gentleman just recently. And the big conversation was having your affairs in order and just preparing and all of that. And so I imagine, like, when you got your diagnosis and when your father received his, was that something that had you already is that something that you’d, like, made a mission to take care of, like, get your affairs in order? Is that something that your dad made a priority when you first diagnosed?
Kris Carr
00:43:50 – 00:44:14
When I was first diagnosed, I didn’t wanna get my affairs in order. And I had there was a lot of frustration around my unwillingness to get my affairs in order. And it’s one of the reasons why my biological father left my life again.
Victoria Volk
00:44:09 – 00:44:09
Mmm
Kris Carr
00:44:10 – 00:44:14
So I met him when I was 18, and he split again when I was not long after I was diagnosed. And so and I was partly around that.
Kris Carr
00:44:15 – 00:44:33
And so for me, it was like I will do this on my own timeline when I’m ready. I’m not ready to talk about this. And I’m not going to have it forced upon me. So, but, you know, obviously it’s helpful to have these things in place. It’s something that I’m working on now.
Kris Carr
00:44:34 – 00:44:55
I’m 52, and I really wasn’t ready to do it. And for me, it was a psychological block. And now it feels like, you know, my husband and I get on a turbulent plane, and we own our business together, and we run everything together. And it’s sort of like, jeez. Still a little stressed out that we don’t have.
Kris Carr
00:44:56 – 00:45:29
I mean so it’s like, let’s Just take care of some of these things, especially because it makes whether you realize it or not, it brings you more peace and clarity and what not. It’s also really important as our life does become shorter, because dying is a big job. It’s a big job. And we, as a culture, we are the first to throw the big parties and get all the gear and the showers and what not, for when a baby comes into this planet. And it’s a wonderful celebratory event.
Kris Carr
00:45:30 – 00:46:07
But dying is very complicated it takes a lot of energy and it leaves a lot of tentacles and yet it’s so scary for many of us that we don’t have somebody to walk through it with. And that’s when a lot of stuff can happen, I think, in families too. A lot of undue stress and tension and discord and even, you know, estrangements and whatnot. So my dad and I talked about it a lot. At first, it was hard to talk about though, and I wasn’t sure if he wanted to talk about it.
Kris Carr
00:46:07 – 00:46:24
And so I approached it very delicately. Is this something you’d like to talk about? And the answer was yes. And I worked on it with my therapist because I was afraid that I would fall apart and make things worse. And I said, I am willing to talk about these things.
Kris Carr
00:46:25 – 00:46:34
I might not always keep it together. There will be tissues. I might say the wrong thing, but I’m willing to show up. And he was grateful for it. And so we did talk about that.
Kris Carr
00:46:34 – 00:46:55
We did talk about his fears. We did talk about his wishes. And we talked about what he wanted at his celebration of life. There were absolute tears. When hospice came, they told us with him in the room, you know that this is not curative.
Kris Carr
00:46:56 – 00:47:11
We are making you comfortable. Here are the stages of what will happen. This is what will happen as your body starts to shut down. This family is what we’re teaching you and how to support. I’d never had candid conversations like that before.
Kris Carr
00:47:11 – 00:47:34
It was terrifying. I was grateful that we were in the middle of the pandemic because I had a mask on, and I would just pull it up really high. So that nobody could see that I was like, my lips were quivering and I was crying under the mask and whatnot. Because I was so scared to have that conversation. And I know people who, you know, whose loved ones have said, I’d really like to talk about what I want you to have.
Kris Carr
00:47:34 – 00:47:43
And they shut the loved one down and say, I don’t wanna talk about this. This isn’t positive. Oh, don’t worry about it. You’ve got plenty of time. La la la.
Kris Carr
00:47:43 – 00:48:07
That’s all coming from that person’s own discomfort, which I honor. But for the person who’s dying or struggling with mortality that you know, may have less time than you, it can be very isolating, create a lot more loneliness and a lot more discomfort. So it’s these opportunities that we have to really, like, grow up and show up.
Victoria Volk
00:48:08 – 00:48:11
Grow up and show up. Suck it up, buttercup.
Kris Carr
00:48:14 – 00:48:22
You know, you don’t want to. Like, I didn’t I really didn’t wanna put on my, like, big grown up panties, but I was like, I can do it now. When are you gonna do it?
Victoria Volk
00:48:23 – 00:48:32
But it is. It’s it’s the ability to okay. These are my emotions. I’m just gonna park them to the side before I walk in the store so that I can be fully present and give my loved one what they need.
Kris Carr
00:48:33 – 00:48:33
Yeah
Victoria Volk
00:48:34 – 00:48:36
And so that they feel heard.
Victoria Volk
00:48:36 – 00:49:09
And that is very difficult to do. And I think when you save those conversations for the death bed, that time could be spent having rich, meaningful conversations. And so I think it’s the importance of us planning for ourselves ahead of time so that we can have those deeper conversations and we’re not worried about the logistics after we’re gone. I think that’s the biggest service we can give our loved ones that we have power to do, I think.
Kris Carr
00:49:09 – 00:49:25
Yeah. The second intention so I wanna just I’ll remind that you’ve when everyone listening, the first intention that was helpful for me, I throw it out if it’s gonna be helpful for anyone else, is to lead with love. You know, like, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to show up.
Kris Carr
00:49:25 – 00:49:50
What would love do? What would love say? What does leading with love look like? And then just do that. And then the second thing is an intention that I set for myself, and this really helped me in the difficult conversations that I thought I would literally implode or come undone or just like, evaporate in my chair because they were so scary and big and hard in my mind was, how do I minimize my regrets?
Victoria Volk
00:49:51 – 00:49:51
Mmm
Kris Carr
00:49:53 – 00:50:11
What’s it gonna take for me to minimize my regrets? Am I gonna regret that I didn’t have the courage to have this conversation when my loved one wanted to have it? Yes. I am gonna regret that. Is that fear of that regret bigger than my lack of courage right now?
Kris Carr
00:50:11 – 00:50:14
Yes. There’s your answer.
Victoria Volk
00:50:16 – 00:50:19
The answers are in the deeper questions, really.
Kris Carr
00:50:19 – 00:50:20
Not easy.
Victoria Volk
00:50:21 – 00:51:03
You talk about caregiving and giving versus receiving, and being I loved how you said this, but being a giver you felt like nothing could ever be taken away from me. And you said, listen to the whispers before they become roars. And so just the act of like caregiving versus giving. And, you know, I think just in reading your story, reading the book, which I highly recommend everybody does because there’s so many layers to yours to your book that I would love to cover all of those in this podcast. But can you just speak to a little bit for those who are in the caregiving role and people who have always been the giver, giver, giver, giver, giver, giver, and then they find themselves in the giving role.
Victoria Volk
00:51:03 – 00:51:24
And then like yourself where you’re diagnosed and then you’re having to receive and the challenge of that. And then you’re having you’re you’re needing like, not needing support, but being faced with this grief of a different kind of grief right, with your chosen father. Again, here, I’m asking like, 3 questions in 1. Can you just speak to that giving versus receiving a little bit?
Kris Carr
00:51:25 – 00:51:42
Yeah. I think it’s helpful for each of us if we struggle with receiving, to really get to the nugget of the why. Because the nugget of the why has freedom for us. And for me, it was actually really as a result of writing this book. Because when you write, you have to figure shit out.
Victoria Volk
00:51:43 – 00:51:43
uh-huh mmm.
Kris Carr
00:51:43 – 00:51:57
You have to be able to articulate it. You have to be able to understand it. It’s not just an esoteric feeling or vibe that you have. And for me, I was like, wow. It wasn’t until I wrote that sentence that pieces of me came together.
Kris Carr
00:51:58 – 00:52:15
Yeah. And I knew that somewhere, but I didn’t really understand it. And it goes back to that core trauma of loss, of abandonment. So if I’m the giver, nothing can be taken from me. If I receive, something can be taken from me.
Kris Carr
00:52:16 – 00:52:32
So what does that hit? Big core wound for me. So if we if not everybody struggles with this, but if you do, you know, like, get to the heart of the tootsie roll pop. And you’d be surprised what’s there. And the oh, I can spend some time with this.
Kris Carr
00:52:32 – 00:53:00
And then it becomes easier to receive because we need to receive when we’re going through these difficult times. We need self-care practices. We need to keep our well not full because that’s not possible. But not running on empty that you’re going into burnout and then, you know, adrenal issues and physical illness and all the stuff that comes with it. So we’re not looking for perfection here.
Kris Carr
00:53:00 – 00:53:41
I have the full tank, and I’m all spiffy, and I’ve just had a lifestyle makeover, and I’m living my best life. It’s, like, not gonna happen when we’re going through a difficult time. But, boy, do those difficult times make us grow and evolve and become people we really wanna be. I think just to button up self-care, understanding why we might have resistance around receiving, and then as caregivers, making sure that we’re putting our masks on and we’re taking care of ourselves so that we can be as resilient as possible, as stress hardy as possible, because it’s a roller coaster. And I always encourage people to come to the day with as much as they possibly can.
Kris Carr
00:53:42 – 00:53:44
And we can’t do that when we’re on empty.
Victoria Volk
00:53:45 – 00:54:10
You talk about having 2 intentions for the book, like, for the audience, those reading it and for you to normalize conversations around the different emotions so that people feel less alone and crazy and that to heal the deeper parts of yourself as a result of this writing. And you kind of touched on one of those. But what did you learn about and heal for yourself while you’re writing it and since the book has been out?
Kris Carr
00:54:12 – 00:55:20
You know, you write the book and then you think it’s one thing, and then you talk about the book and it becomes something else.
Victoria Volk
00:54:20 – 00:54:20
Mmm..
Kris Carr
00:54:21 – 00:55:04
And, so the whole process is very illuminating. And I’d say my biggest growth edge has been my willingness to talk about really difficult things, even more difficult things than my own diagnosis. And you read that vulnerability is a strength, and it can be a meme and a TED Talk and all the things. But then I think for me, until I really allow myself to go to a more vulnerable place, And I did push myself in the book to tell the stories the way they were and not a polished version that would be more appropriate for Instagram, that I did find a real strength in that.
Kris Carr
00:55:04 – 00:55:17
And the strength in that vulnerability isn’t a hard strength. It’s a soft strength. That strength and that softness of vulnerability, something I’m still exploring and experiencing but really enjoying.
Victoria Volk
00:55:19 – 00:55:21
Do you have any regrets?
Kris Carr
00:55:24 – 00:55:51
My dad wanted to have a celebration of life on Zoom while he was still alive, in addition to the celebration of life that he had and we had when he was gone, and I couldn’t do it. And I said, I can’t do that. I can’t do that. No. And it didn’t happen, and I regret that.
Victoria Volk
00:55:55 – 00:56:01
Is there anything else you would like to share, or do you have a little bit of time where I can ask a few more questions?
Kris Carr
00:56:02 – 00:56:06
Yeah. I can definitely do a little more time? Yeah.
Victoria Volk
00:56:07 – 00:56:07
Okay.
Kris Carr
00:56:08 – 00:56:09
Maybe 5 minutes or so.
Victoria Volk
00:56:09 – 00:56:18
Okay. Let me just look here. I wanna make sure I’m picking the one I wanted to pick. Oh, yeah. This is one thing you hear a lot.
Victoria Volk
00:56:18 – 00:56:34
Like, especially after people pass away. They lost their battle to cancer or they’re losing the battle. Did you have moments that you felt this or was this outside messaging? And what do you think about this messaging?
Kris Carr
00:56:36 – 00:56:58
I think every patient is different. It is not my preferred messaging for myself because I live with cancer, so I don’t see that I’m warring with my body. I think that I have cancer in my liver and both of my lungs. Those organs need more support. Those organs are struggling.
Kris Carr
00:56:58 – 00:57:16
Why am I gonna beat them up? Why you know what I mean? I wanna learn more about them so I can care for them and see what they like and what they don’t like. And, again, going back to that part of, like, amputating parts of ourselves. I was worrying with my body way before cancer
Victoria Volk
00:57:16 – 00:57:16
Mmm..
Kris Carr
00:57:17 – 00:57:20
of you know, other things I didn’t like about myself or my weight or whatever it was at the time.
Kris Carr
00:57:21 – 00:57:36
Just always in a fight with my body. And it’s like, gosh, this body does so much on a daily basis to keep me alive. Things I could never even wrap my mind around. It’s a miracle. It’s like I wanna be on the side of my body, not fighting against it.
Kris Carr
00:57:36 – 00:58:07
So that, again, does not work for me. I think my biggest pet peeve is when people who don’t have cancer use cancer metaphors. Like, I don’t get triggered by a lot of things. I’m not a you know, I’m not a I don’t really walk on eggshells or things like this, but it does bother me when people use cancer metaphors of like, that behavior is a cancer or that person is a metastasis or you know, a lot of folks use that. And so I would say, don’t do that.
Victoria Volk
00:58:08 – 00:58:08
Mhmm.
Kris Carr
00:58:09 – 00:58:13
Doesn’t feel good for people who actually have cancer.
Victoria Volk
00:58:13 – 00:58:23
Right. Thank you for sharing that. What is something about you that many people don’t know? It’s not in the books. You haven’t said it before.
Victoria Volk
00:58:23 – 00:58:28
I guess you answered maybe the one regret. Maybe I have I don’t know if you’ve said that before, but
Kris Carr
00:58:28 – 00:58:43
No. I’ve never said that before. People don’t know about me. Well, I have said a lot of things about me because I do use my stories. My teaching method, I like to teach through stories.
Kris Carr
00:58:44 – 00:59:02
Well, I have been into Budweiser Super Bowl commercials.
Victoria Volk
00:58:47 – 00:58:47
What?
Kris Carr
00:58:47 – 00:59:02
In my previous career as an actor, and as somebody who did a lot of TV commercials and a lot of advertising, I was into Budweiser Super Bowl, bowl commercials.
Victoria Volk
00:59:03 – 00:59:04
That’s pretty cool.
Kris Carr
00:59:06 – 00:59:07
That’s cool.
Victoria Volk
00:59:09 – 00:59:17
Too bad it couldn’t have been, well, the Budweiser well, it was I thought the best one this past Super Bowl was the Dunkings. Dunkings.
Kris Carr
00:59:18 – 00:59:27
That’s amazing. Yeah. Yeah. I usually watch the commercials because it was just, like, a very big part of my career but I didn’t watch them this year. But this really is kinda like the Oscars of advertising.
Victoria Volk
00:59:27 – 00:59:27
Yeah.
Kris Carr
00:59:28 – 00:59:28
So
Victoria Volk
00:59:29 – 00:59:39
that’s that’s very cool. Okay. Well, I will leave it there. I think that’s a fun. We’ll leave it on a fun note.
Kris Carr
00:59:39 – 00:59:39
Yeah
Victoria Volk
00:59:39 – 00:59:53
And, because if I ask another question, it’s gonna be a deep run, probably. So you just have to read the book, my friends, because all the questions I’d probably ask her in the book. Anything else you would like to share, though?
Kris Carr
00:59:54 – 01:00:08
No. Thank you so much. This is a beautiful interview, and I’m so appreciative of the places that you took it. I really love having these transparent, honest conversations. Again, going back to how have you grown?
Kris Carr
01:00:08 – 01:00:16
What have you learned? And these are the conversations I wanna have. So thank you for allowing me to have one with you and with your community.
Victoria Volk
01:00:17 – 01:00:26
Thank you. I purposefully did not watch any of your other podcast interviews or listened to anything else because I just wanted to stay in my own lane
Kris Carr
01:00:26 – 01:00:26
Yeey!
Victoria Volk
01:00:27 – 01:00:29
because I can’t let’s see. Like, I have so much did you see the highlight?
Kris Carr
01:00:29 – 01:00:31
Oh my gosh.
Victoria Volk
01:00:31 – 01:00:59
I don’t know why I do that screen like that, but there’s so many. I’ve highlights and doggy ears, and it just really I really enjoyed the book. If people are uncomfortable with grief, I think it’s a wonderful story. You again, like you said, you I think teaching through story is the best way to share information. It’s something I think I personally need to do more of.
Victoria Volk
01:00:59 – 01:01:20
And so thank you for writing this book. I think it’s wonderful for people who are going through something that can maybe see a different perspective through a lens of someone who’s been living it for so long in so many different ways.
Kris Carr
01:01:17 – 01:01:17
Mmm
Victoria Volk
01:00:17 – 01:01:20
It’s a great example of grief and the many faces of it. So thank you.
Kris Carr
01:01:20 – 01:01:21
Thanks, Victoria.
Victoria Volk
01:01:22 – 01:01:24
And where can people find you?
Kris Carr
01:01:24 – 01:01:34
You can find me at kriscarr.com. You can find me on Instagram at @crazysexykris, and the book is available anywhere books are sold.
Victoria Volk
01:01:34 – 01:01:42
And I will put links in the show notes. Remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.